A man forgot to zip his trousers...

so a lady told him politely...

“Sir your garage is open.”

The man gave her a naughty smile and zipped his trousers and asked..

“Did you see my Range Rover parked inside?”

The lady smiled back and said..

“No, just one small Toyota with two flat tires.”

chicken.zip

TL;DR: egg

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A guy with no arms walks into a bathroom….

So there’s a guy washing his hands and the guy with no arms says “hey man I’m a lil embarrassed, do you think you could help me out.” So he says sure, unzips the guys pants for him pulls his wiener out for him and it’s just the grossest most disgusting thing he’s ever seen, it’s all red and has open...

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I saw my dwarf neighbor standing at the bus stop this morning so I stopped him.

I said, "Jump in! I'll give you a lift!"

"Fuck off!" he said.

And I just thought to myself, "What an ungrateful person he is." So I zipped up my backpack and kept on walking.

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A navy man and a marine are in the latrine, taking a piss (mildly nsfw)

A navy man and a marine are in the latrine, taking a piss. The navy man finishes up and goes over to the sink to wash up. The marine finishes up, zips up, and heads for the door. The navy man pipes up "in the navy, they teach us to wash our hands after taking a piss."

The marine replies "in t...

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I zipped up my jeans and got my penis caught in the zipper. I painfully shouted out.....

"Username checks out"

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porno_collection.zip

\* sigh \* *unzips*

We all know the zip code to Beverly Hills is 90210 but what’s the zip code to Dawson’s Creek?

>!Spoiler!< 90108 for our lives to be over...

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There was three boys called Zip, Dick and Piss They were in class and their teacher went out to make a phone call

Right then Zip jumped on the table,
Dick jumped in the teachers chair,
And Piss was punchin everyone in sight .
3 minutes later the teacher back in and said

Zip down,
Dick out,
and Piss in the corner

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My penis got stuck in the zipper today

I doubt I'll be asked to zip up a dress again

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A sailor and an airman were in a base restroom at the same time. Both used the urinals. After completing his business, the sailor zipped up his fly and turned to leave. The airman glowered at him. "In the Air Force, they teach us to wash our hands after using the restroom."

"Oh yeah?" the sailor replied. "Well, in the Navy they teach us not to piss on our hands."

Drunk walks up to a beat cop

Says, "Ociffer, somebody stole my car!"

Cop says, "well where was it when you last saw it?"

Drunk holds up his keychain says, "it was right here on the end of this key!"

Cop looks the drunk up and down, points over the drunks shoulder says, " you'll need to go down to the precin...

Always have your zip up in Ukraine

Or Chernobyl fallout

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One of the first steps toward becoming a man...

One day, the father of a young boy decides that it's time to teach his son how to pee standing up.

"Alright, son, this is one thing that will help you become a man. It's a privilege we have that women do not, so it's important to take advantage of it. All you have to do is follow these nine s...

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A man goes in to a public toilet and sees a man with no arms standing by the urinal. The armless man turns to him and says, ''Could you help me, please? My zip needs undoing."

''Okay.'' says the first man, and he pulls down the man's zip.

The armless man then says, ''Could you take it out for me?''

''Um, well, okay." says the first man. He pulls the armless man's dick out of his pants and sees that it is covered in red bumps, green veins and brown scabs oozi...

In a crowded city at a bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt, with matching tight leather boots and jacket...

As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind and unzipped her skirt a little, thin...

I saw 3 men at the urinals.

The first man was peeing 2 streams.
I asked him why.
He said "Accident at my circumcision."

The second man was peeing 4 streams.
I asked him why.
He explained "I lost a fight with a rottweiler."

The third man was peeing 27 streams.
I said "What on earth happened to you??...

"Honey, let's just a couple of sheep so we don't have to mow the lawn." -- "Oh, but what would we do with the wool?" -- "Well, we could-"

shear it

wash it

dry it

pick it

card it

bag it

store it

sell it

process it

clean it

buy it

keep it

pack it

send it

mail

insulate it

mulch it

fertilise it

toss it

compo...

My friend wouldn’t stop talking about file compression

So I told him to “*zip it*”

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Zip line....

My grandfather was getting measured for a hand made suit at a very upscale tailor. The tailor asked him if he would prefer a zipper or buttons for the fly. Grandad thought about it and said, "Let's go with the buttons they're quieter in the movies."

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I asked a girl, "Do you know the zip code for sex?"

She said, "No."

I told her, "No wonder you don't have any male in your box."

You’re losing your mind if you forget to zip your fly after using the bathroom.

You’ve lost your mind if you forget to unzip your fly *before* using the bathroom

Why do you need to keep your flies zipped up in the Ukraine?

Because Chernobyl fallout.

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A boy was having sex with a girl on a railway track.

The train driver spots them and starts hooting but they ignore it..
He applies brakes so hard and the train stops just a few yards away from the couple.

Driver jumps from the engine and walks to the boy who just finished and is standing up and zipping up his pants...

The driver sho...

I got sent a 50gb .zip file from my friend. I don't know what's it's for but

sigh *unzips*

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Bob goes into a public restroom...

...and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms.

As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak. Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out.

Being a kind soul, Bob say...

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[nsfw] A man proposes to his girlfriend and to his delight she says yes.

To show her how deep his love is, he decides to get her name, Wendy, tattooed on his penis. Penises being as they are, the name ‘Wendy’ is only visible when he has an erection. When it is flaccid, all that can be seen is ‘Wy’. ‘No bother’, he thinks. ‘This will just make the surprise even better on ...

What is Bielefeld's Zip Code?

404

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“I don’t know, but...”

Joe walks into a bathroom. He walks up to a urinal and unzips his pants when he hears “Psst.. buddy. Can you help a guy out?” Joe looks over and sees a man standing a couple urinals down. “Uh.. what?” inquires Joe. “Buddy, I need help unzipping my fly,” responds the man, who upon saying so nods his ...

A man walks into a supermarket, unfortunately his zipper is down

A young female cashier approached the man and said to him, "Your barracks door is open." Not a phrase that men usually use, so the man went about his business in the store, slightly confused.

As he was almost done with his shopping, another man came up to him and said, "Hey buddy, your fly is...

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A father decides it's time to teach his young son how to pee standing up...

So he brings his son into the bathroom.

"Son, it's a 7 step process. Step 1: you unzip your pants. Step 2: you pull your penis out. Step 3: you pull back your foreskin. Step 4: you go pee. Step 5: you push your foreskin back over your penis. Step 6: you put your penis back in your pants. And ...

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Superman is flying around the world, bored out of his mind, looking for some excitement...

As he zips past the beaches of Brazil, he looks down and sees Wonder Woman, completely naked, legs spread, laying on her back catching a tan.

At that moment, he thinks to himself how long it’s been since he last got laid. He then says to himself, “I’m Superman! I can fly down there in a split...

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So this drunk guy stumbles up to a police officer

He said, "Officer, someone stole my car!"

The officer in disbelief asked him "Oh yeah where was it last?" The drunk replied "right on the end of this key."

The officer, clearly unimpressed and wanting to move on with his day said to him "Okay buddy, why don't you just take yourself d...

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A newcomer notices a barrel in town with a hole in the side and a long line to stand in front of it...

It's a small town, pretty isolated, and a little rough but the citizens all seem friendly. When the person asks "why are so many people waiting to stand in front of the barrel?", an old-timer tells them to wait in line and find out.

Sure enough, the newcomer waits their turn and after about 4...

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Bob’s flight

Bob is on his flight home from a long business trip.

He’s thankful to find the middle seat will be open for the upcoming 5 hour trip.

About 30 minutes after take off, he notices the man in the window seat sneeze and then proceed to take a handkerchief from his pocket to wipe off the he...

What do a zip lock bag and a walrus have on common?

They both like a tight seal

Wrote a free file compression program.

I made zip.

The waiter had a spoon in his pocket

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.
When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw t...

Two hobos get together at the end of the day to see how much money they have.

Hobo 1: "I only have 1 dollar, what are we going to do?"

Hobo 2: " I have nothing. Okay, let's buy a Bologna sausage and then go to a bar, I have an idea."

So they buy a bologna sausage and go to a bar and drink a couple of beers on the tab. They have a great time, but it's getting qui...

A Indian man walks into a toilet.....

A Indian man walks into a toilet and approaches the urinal besides a American man.

The American greets the Indian,"How do you do, mate!"

The Indian replies,"I open my zip and do, mate!"

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A man walks into a bar

*Please just keep reading*

He orders a drink and notices a jar of money sitting on the bar table. He then asks the bartender

“Hey bartender, what’s with that jar full of money?”

“It’s prize money” the bartender replies

Puzzled, since the man was not aware of any current c...

There was this drunk walking down the street

He walks up to this cop and he says, “man, somebody stole my car”.

And the cops says, “well where was it”... and he says “it was right on the end of this key”.

The cop says, “I don’t know man, why don’t you go down to the precinct house and report it down there. They’ll fill out all t...

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A guy walks into a bar with an alligator.

It's about 10 feet long. The bartender flips out and says, "Hey buddy, you gotta get that son of a b*tch outta here. It's going to bite one of my customers and I'm going to get sued."
The guy says, "No no no, it's a tame alligator. I'll prove it to you."
He picks up the alligator and puts it o...

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A man goes into a bar...

...and walks up to the bartender and says “Bar keep, a shot of your finest whiskey!”. The bartender grabs a bottle of his finest whiskey and pours the man a shot. As fast as he poured is as fast as the man drank the shot. He slammed the glass down and requested another. The bartender poured the man ...

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A dude gets stranded on a deserted isle all alone....

Six months later, a woman walks out of the ocean in a wet suit. She's gorgeous.

She strolls up and says, "Want a scotch on ice?"

The guy is dumbfounded and nods yes.

She unzips the wet suit a little and pulls out a flask, ice and a glass. She makes a Walker over ice.

She ...

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What do you do with a compressed porn folder?

*sigh* *unzip*

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A terrible joke from my childhood

Three friends all were in the same class at school. They all had nicknames for eachother that were Dick, Pee and Zip. These names caught on and soon everyone, even teachers, refered to them by their nicknames.

One day they were all in class and their teacher left the room and the three boys t...

A gorgeous blonde is trying to board a city bus...

but her dress is so tight, it won't allow her to lift her leg high enough to reach the first step. She reaches back and unzips the dress a few inches to allow more flexibility. She tries again, but it still isn't enough. She unzips a little more, starting to worry that she'll give the people behind ...

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Describe a time you faced a challenge, and what did you learn from it?

I caught my penis in a zipper. Last time I wear zip-up boots.

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(OC) A Hippie walks by a businessman...

A Hippie is walking by and sees a businessman looking over some construction that had been started on a plot of land. The Hippie is alarmed and exclaims "What are you doing?!"

The businessman responds by saying that this piece of land was bought by his company. The land was good and the found...

With the quarantine, California highway patrol's job suddenly got a lot more boring.

There was a trooper on the side of the 101 fighting to keep his eyes open, as there was empty road as far as he could see. Suddenly, he heard the roar of a charger zip past him. He flicked on his lights and siren and went after it. He clocked them going at 100MPH!

The car quickly pulled ov...

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Jim and bob are working

Jim and bob are working for the same big international company. They get underpaid and the workload is huge. At some point during the friday lunch Jim just has enough and goes "That's it! I'm going to quit and I'll show them who's boss."

He stands up and like a mad bull rages towards the CEO ...

A lovely woman is first in line at a bus stop.

The bus opens its doors to let her on. She lifts her leg for the step and funds she cannot reach it. She realizes it must be her tight dress and reaches back and unzips it a little bit.

Again, she brings her leg up and still cannot reach the first step of the bus. A little more embarrassed, ...

2 Men drink in a bar

after they had a few beer they noticed, that they don't have money.

ONe of them had a plan: "Here, take the sausage and put it in your zip of your pants. The other guy did it and Man 1 begins to suck the sausage. The Barkeeper sees it and throw them out. Without asking for the money.
...

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In the men's bathroom, an accountant, a lawyer and a cowboy were standing side-by-side using the urinal.

The accountant finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands...clear up to his elbows....he used 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from the University of Michigan and they taught us to be clean."

The lawy...

I just caught my pecker in my zipper and man it hurts.

No more zip up boots for me.

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A man and his wife are in a car accident.

The man is saved by the airbag, but the woman hits her head on the windshield and falls into a coma.

The man sits in the hospital waiting room day and night, praying for his wife to recover.

One day, while giving the wife a sponge bath, the nursing staff notices, when they wash her "pr...

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Jim is in a bar men's room finishing having a pee.

He zips up and washes his hand and is about to leave when he sees a man with no arms by the door.

"Hey mate, can you help me out here?" the no armed man says.

Jim grimaces but decides to help the man out. They walk over to a urinal and Jim unzips the man's pants. "Yeah, just take the o...

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3 Quick Ones

Brothel Trip

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'

'Oh, sorr...

A man walks into a bar with his pet alligator on a leash... (NSFW)

As he walks in, all the patrons of the bar gasp.

The man then says, "Relax. He is very trained. Here; watch!"
He plops his 5 foot long pet alligator on the bar counter and says, "Open!"
The alligator's mouth opens wide, then the man unzips his pants and proceeds to stick his d*ck in it....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW Fresh out of prison, this long time con tries out for a job playing at a piano bar...

So he plays a song for the bar owner who loves it. He gushes. “Incredible! You wrote that in prison?! What's the name of it?”


“I call that one “I smacked down the hooker who was sucking my cock!””


Taken back, the owner just gestures him on. “Play another!”


Again, a b...

A drunk was walking down the street and approached a cop.

He told the cop "Someone stole my car."
The cop glanced at his partner, then replied "OK, so where did you leave it?"
The drunk said "right here on the end of this key."
The cop laughed and said "Well why don't you head on down to the station, they got all the forms you need to submit a...

Garage Door

The Garage Door

The boss walked into the office one morning
not knowing his zipper was down and his fly
area wide open.. His assistant walked up to
him and said, 'This morning when you left
your house, did you close your garage
door?' The boss told her he knew he'd
closed th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman sits in her seat on a plane.

As she gets her pillow and mask out preparing for the long flight ahead, she hears the man sitting beside her sneeze. She looks over to say "bless you", but before she can get the words out she is startled to see the man unzipping his trousers. He pulls out his penis, wipes it off, tucks it back in,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] A woman sits down on a plane for a long flight

Sitting in the window seat next to her is a middle aged man. Some time after the plane takes off the man lets out a small "Achoo!". Immediately he unzips his pants, pulls his dick out, wipes it off.

Aghast, the woman is so stunned that before she can speak he's zipped back up, staring out th...

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I went to the doctor the other day

He told me I needed to stop masturbating.

I asked him “Why?” As I zipped up my pants.

[At proctologist’s office] Me: *unzipping pants nervously*

Doctor: You’re understandably nervous, but please zip my pants back up.

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A man is sitting next to a woman on a jet that's getting ready to take off.

Suddenly, the man sneezes. He unzips his pants and wipes off the end of his penis with his handkerchief. He zips up and continues reading his magazine. The woman cannot believe what she just saw.

Then he sneezes again, unzips, pulls out his penis and wipes it off with a handkerchief. The...

When I was a kid on Christmas nights I used to wait for Santa Claus to come

Then he would zip his pants up and give me my presents.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do nazi programmers greet one another?

Zip! File!

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Three Men Were Using Urinals In a Public Restroom

The first man finished relieving himself, zipped up, strolled to the sinks and proceeded to wash his hands, using plenty of soap and water and doing a splendidly thorough job.
As he was drying his hands (with lots of paper towels), he loftily announced to no one in particular "At Harvard, I lear...

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A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator...

Bartender says "Sorry sir, no pets allowed..."

Guy says "But this is a well trained alligator. May i demonstrate first?"

Out of curiosity, "Sure" says the bartender.

The guy picks up his pet alligator, sets it on the bar, and the alligator slowly opens its mouth. The pet owner...

Help needed!

I need some advice on a pretty serious decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my girlfriend has been having an affair. There have been a few signs which I think I may be taking the wrong way and wouldn't like to falsely accuse her, but the number of these little warning flags keeps i...

Once, a blonde visits a bar......

.........she orders a drink and waits, she spots two guys betting with dice. She goes there to check it out. They were simply calling out a number and rolling a dice, if it landed on the said number, they won. She was interested, and asked if she could get a try at it. Both men agreed. The blonde be...

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NSFW So this girl finishes giving a well-hung man a very rigorous blow-job.

... Her jaw aches, her eyes are watery, and her throat hurts. But she thought it would all be worth it, yet the guy just zips up & starts to walk away. "Hey!" She says, her voice still a little raspy from the deed. "You said if I gave you head you'd buy me a pony!"

"No," he replie...

What do I do with this large file I want to send to you?

Zip it!

No, really... Zip it!

A man and a woman are riding a bus.

The woman looks over and notices the man's fly is open.

She tells him, "Sir, your store is open."

The man promptly zips his fly.

After a few moments he asks, "Did you happen to see the store's owner?"

The woman replies, "No, but I saw a drunk stocker laying on two sacks...

Where do Klingons store their leftovers?

Zip'loc!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender he's short on cash. He proposes that he plays the piano in exchange for some drinks.

The bartender agrees and the guy walks over to the piano and starts playing. The bartender and patrons are amazed at the beautiful sounds that are produced from this old piano. He plays several songs in a row. After about 20 minutes he walks up to the bartender and asks if that was worthy of a drink...

An American woman is hiking through Germany...

She's enjoying taking in the sights and immersing herself in the culture. But one day, while hiking through a wooded area, she comes across an elderly German man taking a leak on the side of the path. He's hardly subtle about it; letting his sausage hang out for the world to see. Immediately the wom...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy from Oklahoma and a guy from Texas are in the restroom of a road house having a piss.

The guy from Oklahoma finishes up first, zips up, and makes for the door. The Texan says over his shoulder "In Texas they teach us to wash up after going to the toilet." The Okie replies "That's funny, in Oklahoma they teach us not to piss all over our hands."

Army officer in India

One time there was an army camp in India that just received a new commander. During the new commanders first inspection everything checked out except one thing. There was a camel tied to a tree on the edge of the camp. The commander asked what it was for, one of the soldiers who had been stationed t...

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A man receives a call from the hospital letting him know his wife was in an accident.

Upon arriving at the hospital the doctor informs him that his wife is in a coma and they cannot be sure when she will wake up.

Distraught, the husband asks, "Is there nothing we can do?"

The doctor replies, "Well, we have had some success with oral sex bringing people out of comas in t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The girl at the bar.

When I first met my husband, he told me about a poor girl he met and accidentally embarrassed when he was out drinking one night.

I guess he thought she was cute and asked her to dance, but she refused while all of her friends went off dancing with other guys. He bought her a beer and after ...

Dad potty trains his son.

"Son, if you want to pee like a big boy, then you need to follow these steps:

Step 1: unzip.
Step 2: pull it out.
Step 3: pull the skin back.
Step 4: pee.
Step 5: pull the skin forward.
Step 6: put it back in your pants.
Step 7: zip up"

Some tim...

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Three old guys are sitting around talking.

One subject leads to another, when the subject of pain comes up.

First guy says "you ever zipped your foreskin into your jeans? That's pain.."

Second guy, "that's not pain, you ever had the trots and went to jump on the toilet in a hurry and trapped one of your nuts between your leg a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and his wife went to a fancy dinner party at a friend’s estate...

...while there, the husband, feeling the luxurious meal, embarks on a journey to the restroom. After a good bit of time he returns and his wife begins to ask if he is feeling alright.

Interrupting, he enthusiastically describes “the most beautiful, wonderful toilet anybody has ever seen! Made...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was in McDonald's today..

I smiled at the bloke and said "Can I have a small shake please?"

"Fuck off" came the reply as he quickly zipped his up jeans and walked away from the urinal.

A Mothers Secret

A mom was teaching her 4 year old son to zip up his jacket.

“The secret,” she explained, “is getting the little straight piece all the way into the little slot before you pull up the zipper.”

Her son looked up at her and said, “Mom, why does that have to be a secret?”

A drunk is stumbling down the street, and approaches a cop on duty

The drunk says, "Officer, I need your help. Somebody stole my car!"

The cops askes, "Where was it when you last saw it?"

The drunk replies, holding a silver key, "right on the end of this key."

The cop chuckles, and says, "Well, you better head down to the station and fill out t...

Growing old

First you forget names;
Then you forget faces;
Then you forget to zip up your fly;
And then you forget to unzip your fly.

A man goes to the drug store for some condoms.

There's a spinsterish middle aged lady behind the counter, and he's a bit embarrassed, but makes his request. The lady asks what size he wants, and he gets a bit more embarrassed, and tells her that he doesn't know that they come in sizes. The lady tells him it's ok , there's a fence out back with s...

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