The 89+ Best Vacuum Jokes

A vacuum salesman knocked on a newly built home

A lady opened the door. The salesman rushed into the home and threw rotten scrambled eggs, fries and hot dogs on the carpet floor. Before the lady said anything, the salesman said "Mam, the vacuum i have is the best in business. I'll vacuum every single thing and also ensure there is no odor. If i f...

A witch was flying on her broom when she noticed that all the witches she passed were flying on vacuum cleaners.

She thought to herself, "Am I the only one who still drives a stick?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Men vacuum in the same way that they have sex.

They just put it in and make some noise for 3 minutes before they collapse on the couch, thinking that their wife should be really happy.

I told my son that I found his hamster in our vacuum cleaner.

With tears in his eyes he said, "Please get a new one, daddy..."

"I was thinking the same," I said, "the suction is absolutely terrible."

A salesman was looking for a house to sell his vacuum cleaner in a new territory

He found the first house and knocked at it's door

A woman answered the knock but before she could say anything,the man rushed into the house and dumped a pile of garbage there

"Ma'am" the man said in his best salespitch "if this vacuum cleaner doesn't work wonders in cleaning u...

I just want to say the Dyson Ball vacuum cleaner is tragically misnamed

and don't even get me started on the crevice tool.

I'm really frustrated with this faulty vacuum cleaner.

It would suck less if it sucked more.

I had a dream last night that I was vacuuming with the Grim Reaper

I was Dyson with death

When you clean a vacuum cleaner, you become a vacuum cleaner

So if I show someone a shower, do I become a shower?

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day,,.

only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" ...

This bloke knocked on my door and said, "Can I come into your house and talk about vacuuming your carpets?"

I am sure he was a Jehoovers Witness.

I finally decided to sell my vacuum cleaner.

All it was doing was gathering dust!

what's the difference between a Harley-Davidson and a Hoover vacuum?

On the Hoover the Dirtbag is on the inside.

Do You Know How I Know I Have A Buddhist Vacuum Cleaner?

It doesn't have any attachments

How do astronauts keep warm in a vacuum?

They bring a space heater

The Vacuum Cleaner Salesman

A door to door vacuum salesman visits a house. When he proposes a deal the woman tells him to take a hike. Without giving her a second chance the man empties a bucket of cow dung onto to carpet and says "If the vacuum cleaner doesn't suck all of this up then I will eat the rest myself" The woman goe...

A well stole my vacuum cleaner recently...

I showed my friend a picture and he sent "well that sucks"

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I used to sell vacuum cleaners door to door and do demonstrations by appointment. Seriously I did.

I had an appointment to demonstrate a machine at a home in a rural area. The house looked rough and as I walked to the door carrying all my demonstration equipment, a big mangy dog with a matted eye crowded me and followed me to the house.

I rang the bell and the lady let me in and the stupi...

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A vacuum cleaner salesman came to my door, poured a bag of dog shit on my carpet and said, "Sir, if this vacuum can't clean it completely, I'll eat whatever's left."

I said, "I hope you're hungry 'cause they cut off the electricity this morning."

Before my abusive father left, he was really enthusiastic about vacuuming

He would always say "Whenever I look at your face I want you to Dyson"

I recently got an Eastern European maid to help clean around the house

I gave her the vacuum and she said she’d start right away. When I came back from work, she was still vacuuming, 8 hours later.

She was a Slovac.

Do you know what your momma and a vacuum cleaner have in common?

Turn them on and they'll suck.

I sold my vacuum the other day.

All it was doing was collecting dust.

What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a lawyer on a motorcycle?

The vacuum cleaner has the dirt bag on the inside.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I am currently renting a really crappy furnished apartment.

All the appliances suck.

Except the vacuum cleaner.

Anniversary

On their 25th anniversary, a husband took his wife out to dinner.

Their teenage daughters said they'd have dessert waiting for them when they returned.

After they got home, they saw that the dining room table was beautifully set with china, crystal and candles, and there was a note t...

the vacuum cleaner in my dorm is so bad..

i would say it sucks but it can’t even do that

What's another name for a Pore vacuum?

A broom and a dustpan!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know that if you put your testicle on the opening of a beer bottle and put a lighter under the base, eventually the heat will create a vacuum and your testicle will be sucked into the bottle?

If you ever tried this, let me know how the reverse the process.

Need answers fast

What do BMWs and Vacuums have in common?

They both have a dirtbag inside them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife fell on the vacuum cleaner the other day and had to go to hospital as it got stuck in her vagina

You’ll be glad to hear she’s not quite back on her feet, but she’s picking up well

The vacuum extractor is a device used in some childbirths.

It sucks for the baby.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm not surprised that my dog is scared of the vacuum cleaner...

I know exactly what a vacuum cleaner is for, but to my dog, it's just a screaming robot that keeps attacking his owner's dick.

At one time, Lucas Electrics manufactured a vacuum cleaner.

It was the only product in their entire history that didn't suck.

Russian Tanks

"What's the difference between a Russian tank and a Hoover vacuum cleaner? "

"The Russian tank has 4 dirt-bags in it."

Apparently this joke comes from an OLD soviet-era General who apparently liked to tell it almost any time he gave a speeches to his NATO counterparts.

My wife was frustrated “ this vacuum just doesn’t suck anymore” she said

“What happened? Did it get married?”

Wanna hear about my appliances?

My fan blows me away, the fridge is pretty cool, the vacuum sucks and the air ventilator just sits there and collects dust

As a door to door salesman, you never want to hear people say that your product "really sucks."

Unless you're selling vacuum cleaners.

Ba dum tiss.

It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.

Either it sucks or it sucks!

Used Vacuum cleaner for sale.

I don't need it anymore. All it does is collect dust.

What’s the similarity between a female and a vacuum

They only suck when they are turned on

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day, a good-looking door-to-door seller knocks on the old lady's house and is offering the "world's best" vacuum cleaner...

He runs into the middle of the living room and bursts a cow dung on the floor.

"Madam", he says, "I swear to god, if I won't be able to clean the shit out of the carpet in 2 minutes, I will personally eat it".

The lady just smiles: "I hope you are hungry. The power is out since morni...

A man walks into a vacuum cleaner store

After browsing around for a while, he asked to see the manager. When the manager came, he asked, "Is there something wrong?" And then the man replied with, "Oh something's wrong alright. Everything you sell sucks!"

Men's Helpline for Women

Dear John,

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV. My car stalled, and then it broke down about a mile down the road, and I had to walk back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He wa...

How do you fix a broken vacuum cleaner?

Put a Green Bay sticker on it, it'll suck again.

I feel like my purchase of a vacuum cleaner was a waste of money

Ever since I bought all it's done is collected dust

The highlight of my week was my new vacuum cleaner.

Things are picking up.

A Kirby guy on a hot day…

A door to door salesman was walking down a street in a very hot day, when he came across a pair of little girls selling lemonade.

Taking a break, he buys a big glass and goes to sit under a large elm tree.

Suddenly, he hears a guy yell “Nice suit buddy, did you buy it at the goodwill s...

How did the robot vacuum the house?

Roomba room.

Here’s the thing about vacuum cleaners

It doesn’t matter if you have the best or the worst, because at the end of the day they all suck.

I really like my new job in the vacuum industry

There's no pressure.

I got rid of my vacuum cleaner the other day.

It’s been gathering dust for a while, and generally kind of sucks.

Salesman: "Ma'am, this vacuum cleaner is so great it will cut all your work by half!"

Woman: "That's fantastic! Give me two."

There once was a boy named George Gunderson who did not do very well in school. His classmates ridiculed him every day, as did his teacher, Mrs. Jones. George couldn't stand it, and always came home crying to his parents.

One day, Mr. and Mrs. Gunderson decided to come to the school early to give Mrs. Jones a piece of her mind. The second the door opened to let the kids outside, Mr. and Mrs. Gunderson peeked inside to hear Mrs. Jones screaming at George. "George Gunderson, you are the dumbest kid in the world!"
...

My vacuum stopped working

... Another one bites the dust

I recently got a job selling vacuums and finally got the courage to make a pun around my new coworkers

it sucked.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's got 8 legs and sounds like a vacuum sucking up honey?

Greedy bastard at KFC.

“What if you had vacuums for hands?

Wouldn’t that suck?”

-my old coworker Flip

Why do carpets in white folk houses always need vacuuming?

Crackers always leave crumbs.

I got Inside a vacuum chamber once.

It was breath taking.

why do witches only fly on brooms?

vacuum cleaners are too heavy

Bought my wife a new belt and bag for Valentines day,

The vacuum works just fine now.

My jokes are like vacuum cleaners

They suck

The faithfull Husband

The Husband comes home with new vacuum cleaner, the kind his wife really wanted. His wife gets suspicious and asks him where he got it from?

He answers:” Remember that shop we went last week, where we saw this vacuum and this sweet lady helped us out and showed us everything about it but we ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got my testicles stuck in a vacuum cleaner.

Now we're both bagless.

I tried buying a vacuum the other day

The sales associate told me they all suck

I don't know why they bother with all that science history stuff in class like "Nature abhors a vacuum".

Anyone who's ever had pets knew that already.

Everyone in Britain prefers brushes over vacuum cleaners when it comes to tidying their floors.

Sorry if that's a sweeping generalisation.

A chicken farmers’ chickens suddenly stop laying eggs one day…

He waits until the next day and still no eggs. A week goes by and still no eggs.

Worriedly, he calls a friend that is a biologist. The biologist comes over and takes temperatures of the chickens, takes stool samples and blood samples, and goes back to his lab. A week later the biologist ...

Despite space being a Vacuum

Mars is really Dusty

What’s an antivaxxers favorite vacuum?

Dyson.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the difference between my wife and my vacuum?

The vacuum doesn't snore after sex.

April fools, I don't have a wife.

What sound does a vacuum sweeper make when it explodes?

KA-BROOM!

A physicist tries betting on horse races

The physicist could not get any job, so he decided to bet on horse races to make a living. He did intensive experimentation, and used state of the art machine learning algorithms to gain more insight. After filling many notebooks and accumulating a very large amount of data, he exclaims "I have the ...

I finally found out what they call the vacuum at the abortion clinic

Woomba

Whats the last thing your father says before killing you with a vacuum cleaner?

Dyson

Wife: The vacuum cleaner doesn’t suck the way it used to.

Husband: Neither does the dish washer.

When shopping for a vacuum on amazon, never trust a 5 star review.

There is no such thing as a perfect vacuum.

My girlfriend said, “Why have I never seen you mop or vacuum in my life?”

I said, “Floors are beneath me.”

A wife asked her husband...

"Why did the vacuum cleaner stop sucking?"
"I don't know it probably got married..."

How to fix a broken vacuum.

If you ever come a cross a broken vacuum, put a toronto maple leaf hockey jersey on it.

It will start sucking right away.

My friend got a job working at a vacuum cleaner factory.

He said the money is good but the job sucks.

Thank you. Thank you.

- Hello. I want to return the robot vacuum cleaner I bought from you a week ago. The agreement allows it?

\- Yes, just tell me what you didn't like, we will inform the manufacturer.

\- Everything is in order, I just no longer need a vacuum cleaner. After he sucked the cat three times, My cat learned to use a brush, rag, scoop, and report a full bin.

I bought a very cheap vacuum cleaner from a sale

What do you expect? It sucks.

My 90yr old Grandfather got startled by my automatic vacuum, and smashed it.

KO Roomba

A man walks into a store to replace his broken vacuum

Saleman: "Well this sucks"

I put the "cum" in "vacuume"

No seriously guys, my moms gonna be home any minute and the tube is filled. How do I get it out.

Dad, I hate my life. It's like a functioning vacuum cleaner.

Dad: I don't understand

It sucks.

Dad: well, there is always roomba improvement.

I told my wife to sell all the vacuums we have,

they are only collecting dust anyways...

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