A vacuum salesman knocked on a newly built home

A lady opened the door. The salesman rushed into the home and threw rotten scrambled eggs, fries and hot dogs on the carpet floor. Before the lady said anything, the salesman said "Mam, the vacuum i have is the best in business. I'll vacuum every single thing and also ensure there is no odor. If i f...

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Men vacuum in the same way that they have sex.

They just put it in and make some noise for 3 minutes before they collapse on the couch, thinking that their wife should be really happy.

How come we call walkie-talkies "walkie talkies", but we don't call vacuums "pushie suckies"?

Because that title is reserved for wheelchair bound hookers.

The Dyson Ball Vacuum…

Is a horribly misleading name for this product.

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My wife fell on the vacuum cleaner the other day and had to go to hospital as it got stuck in her vagina

You’ll be glad to hear she’s not quite back on her feet, but she’s picking up well

What’s the difference between a Harley Davidson and a vacuum cleaner?

The position of the dirtbag.

This bloke knocked on my door and said, "Can I come into your house and talk about vacuuming your carpets?"

I am sure he was a Jehoovers Witness.

I sold my vacuum the other day.

All it was doing was collecting dust.

What do BMWs and Vacuums have in common?

They both have a dirtbag inside them.

Used Vacuum cleaner for sale.

I don't need it anymore. All it does is collect dust.

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I used to sell vacuum cleaners door to door and do demonstrations by appointment. Seriously I did.

I had an appointment to demonstrate a machine at a home in a rural area. The house looked rough and as I walked to the door carrying all my demonstration equipment, a big mangy dog with a matted eye crowded me and followed me to the house.

I rang the bell and the lady let me in and the stupi...

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One day, a good-looking door-to-door seller knocks on the old lady's house and is offering the "world's best" vacuum cleaner...

He runs into the middle of the living room and bursts a cow dung on the floor.

"Madam", he says, "I swear to god, if I won't be able to clean the shit out of the carpet in 2 minutes, I will personally eat it".

The lady just smiles: "I hope you are hungry. The power is out since morni...

I recently got a job selling vacuums and finally got the courage to make a pun around my new coworkers

it sucked.

How do you fix a broken vacuum cleaner?

Put a Green Bay sticker on it, it'll suck again.

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I'm not surprised that my dog is scared of the vacuum cleaner...

I know exactly what a vacuum cleaner is for, but to my dog, it's just a screaming robot that keeps attacking his owner's dick.

What’s the similarity between a female and a vacuum

They only suck when they are turned on

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The Human mouth is amazing. It can suck, blow, create a vacuum , is water tight....

And can create and infinite amount of shit!

A man walks into a vacuum cleaner store

After browsing around for a while, he asked to see the manager. When the manager came, he asked, "Is there something wrong?" And then the man replied with, "Oh something's wrong alright. Everything you sell sucks!"

Salesman

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners." "Go a...

It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.

Either it sucks or it sucks!

The highlight of my week was my new vacuum cleaner.

Things are picking up.

My son was overjoyed when I told him that I found his hamster.

Not so much when I said it was in the vacuum cleaner.

My wife was frustrated “ this vacuum just doesn’t suck anymore” she said

“What happened? Did it get married?”

I had to return my Buddhist vacuum...

It came with no attachments.

My jokes are like vacuum cleaners

They suck

I got rid of my vacuum cleaner the other day.

It’s been gathering dust for a while, and generally kind of sucks.

I feel like my purchase of a vacuum cleaner was a waste of money

Ever since I bought all it's done is collected dust

worst superhero

Who is the worst superhero?

Vacuum Man. He sucks.

Life is like a vacuum cleaner.

It sucks

Here’s the thing about vacuum cleaners

It doesn’t matter if you have the best or the worst, because at the end of the day they all suck.

I tried buying a vacuum the other day

The sales associate told me they all suck

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Did you know that if you put your testicle on the opening of a beer bottle and put a lighter under the base, eventually the heat will create a vacuum and your testicle will be sucked into the bottle?

If you ever tried this, let me know how the reverse the process.

Need answers fast

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I got my testicles stuck in a vacuum cleaner.

Now we're both bagless.

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A vacuum cleaner salesman

A vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on my door
Before I spoke he tipped a bucket of dog shit over my carpet and said
If this vacuum doesn't remove every trace of it I'll personally eat what's left
I replied I hope you're hungry because they cut off my electric this morning

I don't know why they bother with all that science history stuff in class like "Nature abhors a vacuum".

Anyone who's ever had pets knew that already.

How did the robot vacuum the house?

Roomba room.

I really like my new job in the vacuum industry

There's no pressure.

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Don't say ANYTHING about your sex life around any "smart" device like Siri, Alexa, television or refrigerator.

I made that mistake, and I'm now getting popup ads for vacuum cleaners, cat litter and oil changes at Jiffy Lube.

What does a vacuum cleaner say to another vacuum cleaner who has a bad day?

That SUCKS!

A wife asked her husband...

"Why did the vacuum cleaner stop sucking?"
"I don't know it probably got married..."

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Redneck book of manners.....

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.


2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.


3. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.


4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.


5. Even if you're ...

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I went to the store to buy a Vacuum. (Long)

One day, I went to the store to buy a Vacuum. There really wasn't any available except for one sitting in the corner. I bought it and the cashier told me that this vacuum was special. Not only can it do stuff like a normal vacuum could, it was so powerful that I could suck in animals whole.
I ...

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What's got 8 legs and sounds like a vacuum sucking up honey?

Greedy bastard at KFC.

My vacuum stopped working

... Another one bites the dust

What sound does a vacuum sweeper make when it explodes?

KA-BROOM!

Salesman: "Ma'am, this vacuum cleaner is so great it will cut all your work by half!"

Woman: "That's fantastic! Give me two."

Everyone in Britain prefers brushes over vacuum cleaners when it comes to tidying their floors.

Sorry if that's a sweeping generalisation.

Despite space being a Vacuum

Mars is really Dusty

I bought a very cheap vacuum cleaner from a sale

What do you expect? It sucks.

When shopping for a vacuum on amazon, never trust a 5 star review.

There is no such thing as a perfect vacuum.

Why didn't any dogs agree to follow the first one (Laika) into space?

Because they realized that space was really just a giant vacuum.

- Hello. I want to return the robot vacuum cleaner I bought from you a week ago. The agreement allows it?

\- Yes, just tell me what you didn't like, we will inform the manufacturer.

\- Everything is in order, I just no longer need a vacuum cleaner. After he sucked the cat three times, My cat learned to use a brush, rag, scoop, and report a full bin.

Why are there not more dog astronauts?

They’re afraid of the vacuum.

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What is the difference between my wife and my vacuum?

The vacuum doesn't snore after sex.



April fools, I don't have a wife.

My girlfriend said, “Why have I never seen you mop or vacuum in my life?”

I said, “Floors are beneath me.”

Tom was not the brightest kid in his school.

None of his classmates liked him. He was plain stupid when it came to even simplest stuff. His teacher always told him "you're driving me crazy".

One day, Tom's mother visited school and when she spoke to teacher, the teacher directly said: "Your child is absolutely stupid, not only his grad...

What's the difference between a wife and a vacuum cleaner? [NSFW]

The vacuum still sucks after a year.

A man is selling a vacuum cleaner

He met up with a buyer, who asked him if it sucked well.

“Like my wife,” he responded.

Unsure of himself the buyer asked him whether that was a good or bad.

All the seller could say was “How the hell would I know?”

Last night, I did the dishes, vacuumed the house, hung up our laundry and mopped the floors while my wife was resting.

She was incredibly thankful, and after I finished she came up to me and gave me a massive hug, saying "What would I ever do without you?"

The dishes would be a good start.

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Did you know that, when you take your dick out and put it inside of vaccum cleaner hose and turn the vacuum on,

... they are kick you out of Target?

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A vacuum cleaner salesman knocks on a woman's door. As she opens the door the salesman quickly runs inside and empties a bag full of poop on her expensive carpet.

Woman, shocked and angered, shouts "what the hell are you doing to my carpet?!?". The salesman replies "Ma'am, this is not just any ordinary vacuum cleaner. This vacuum cleaner has been engineered by top German scientists in their super high tech labs. If this vacuum cleaner doesn't clean up your ca...

Dad, I hate my life. It's like a functioning vacuum cleaner.

Dad: I don't understand

It sucks.

Dad: well, there is always roomba improvement.

What’s an antivaxxers favorite vacuum?

Dyson.

People are always worried about their cell phones or microwaves spying on them. Truth is, those are not the appliances you need to be concerned about.

It's your Vacuum Cleaner that you need to be worried about....



....it's been collecting dirt on you for years.

Whats the last thing your father says before killing you with a vacuum cleaner?

Dyson

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A salesman trying to sell vacuum cleaners knocks on the door and the mother answers

Before she can say two words, the salesman pushes past her and throws a bag of horse shit on the carpet. The mother is understandably furious.

\- What the HELL do you think you're doing?!

The salesman doesn't lose his composure, after all, he's confident in his product.

\- Ma'am...

Wife: The vacuum cleaner doesn’t suck the way it used to.

Husband: Neither does the dish washer.

My wife wants a vacuum.

I think I'll give her some space.

I got Inside a vacuum chamber once.

It was breath taking.

If you think that your microwave is collecting data and the Tv is spying on you is bad enough...

The vacuum have been gathering dirt on your for years...

Why do carpets in white folk houses always need vacuuming?

Crackers always leave crumbs.

Why do vacuum hoses suck?

Because they’re not long enough.

How to fix a broken vacuum.

If you ever come a cross a broken vacuum, put a toronto maple leaf hockey jersey on it.

It will start sucking right away.

I put the "cum" in "vacuume"

No seriously guys, my moms gonna be home any minute and the tube is filled. How do I get it out.

My friend got a job working at a vacuum cleaner factory.

He said the money is good but the job sucks.

Thank you. Thank you.

The only vacuum I use is the one made specifically for made for antivax parents...

Dyson

My 90yr old Grandfather got startled by my automatic vacuum, and smashed it.

KO Roomba

What did the young vacuum cleaner say to the old one when it wouldn’t shut up?

Ok, Roomba

What did the father vacuum say to his son before he left for war?

Don’t Dyson

The caretaker sat pondering a cube he held before him. (Long)

The caretaker sat pondering a cube he held before him. He sat amidst billions upon billions upon billions, which surrounded him. He alone, at the end of time, bore witness to the Great Library, the vast repository of consciousness in Universe.

Before him was a pile of similar cubes. These cub...

My pet name for my wife is "broken vacuum cleaner" because...

##

...neither of them can cook.

I noticed my vacuum is cleaning less of the house than before.

I think it has roomba-toid arthritis.

I told my wife to sell all the vacuums we have,

they are only collecting dust anyways...

Two dust particles meet in a vacuum cleaner

"Man, I hate this place" says one of them.
"Yeah, it sucks."

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[NSFW]Did you know that when you stick your dick in a vacuum....and turn it on to reverse...

they'll kick you out of Sears?
__

Someone wrote in the comment jumping on my ass about nit giving credit. I heard this on Conan last night by comedian Matt Donaher. I wasn't stealing the guys joke. I'd never seen anyone on here giving credit to people they hear the jokes from. And because ...

I personally think vacuums are terrible at cleaning

I don’t really have a reason, they just suck

I finally found out what they call the vacuum at the abortion clinic

Woomba

What did the murderer say to his child as he pointed his vacuum cleaner at him?

Dyson.

A door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman knocks on a woman's door.

The woman answers, and the salesman says "Lady, I have the best damn vaccuum cleaner in the whole world."

Before she could decline, he invited himself in. "Lady," he said, "This vaccuum cleaner can suck up anything. In fact, if you leave it running, it'll probably suck the carpet up!"

...

Can someone recommend a good vacuum?

Because it seems like they all suck.

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