I told you I was broke

A little lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning" said the young man. "If I can take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high power vacuum cleaner"

"G...

Why are dogs afraid to go to space?

Because of the vacuum

Edit: Sorry if this joke is ruff

Double Edit: on the other hand, when I go to space I feel no pressure

Whats the last thing your father says before killing you with a vacuum cleaner?

Dyson

What did the father vacuum say to his son before he left for war?

Don’t Dyson

No matter what vacuum cleaner you buy

They all suck

I recently got rid of my vacuum cleaner.

All it was doing was gathering dust.

A door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman knocks on a woman's door.

The woman answers, and the salesman says "Lady, I have the best damn vaccuum cleaner in the whole world."

Before she could decline, he invited himself in. "Lady," he said, "This vaccuum cleaner can suck up anything. In fact, if you leave it running, it'll probably suck the carpet up!"

...

I personally think vacuums are terrible at cleaning

I don’t really have a reason, they just suck

I threw away my vacuum cleaner......

because It kept collecting dust.

I'm sorry that joked sucked, like a vacuum cleaner

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Men vacuum in the same way that they have sex.

They just put it in and make some noise for 3 minutes before they collapse on the couch and think that their wife should be really happy.

My wife said we need a new vacuum cleaner because ours really sucks

I replied: Well then why do we need a new one?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A vacuum cleaner salesman

A vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on my door
Before I spoke he tipped a bucket of dog shit over my carpet and said
If this vacuum doesn't remove every trace of it I'll personally eat what's left
I replied I hope you're hungry because they cut off my electric this morning

Two dust particles meet in a vacuum cleaner

"Man, I hate this place" says one of them.
"Yeah, it sucks."

I had amnesia and can't figure out what a vacuum cleaner is supposed to do

It sucks

What’s the difference between a vacuum cleaner, and someone who drives a Harley Davidson?

Position of the dirt bag.

Why couldn’t the Buddha vacuum underneath his couch?

He had no attatchments

Wife: The vacuum cleaner doesn’t suck the way it used to.

Husband: Neither does the dish washer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 vacuum sellers are making their way towards a nearby farm

The three walk past a beautiful young girl, the farmers daughter, and go straight for the front door. They knock and the farmer opens up. They ask would he be interested in buying a vacuum. The farmer ponders for a moment and agrees to buy a vacuum, but on one condition. They don't try to flirt with...

How to fix a broken vacuum.

If you ever come a cross a broken vacuum, put a toronto maple leaf hockey jersey on it.

It will start sucking right away.

What's the difference between a woman and a vacuum cleaner?

Vacuum cleaners don't shout at you for not wearing a condom

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A vacuum cleaner salesman knocks on a woman's door. As she opens the door the salesman quickly runs inside and empties a bag full of poop on her expensive carpet.

Woman, shocked and angered, shouts "what the hell are you doing to my carpet?!?". The salesman replies "Ma'am, this is not just any ordinary vacuum cleaner. This vacuum cleaner has been engineered by top German scientists in their super high tech labs. If this vacuum cleaner doesn't clean up your ca...

I bought the new "Ford" vacuum cleaner, but it doesn't work.

I guess it's the only thing Ford has made that doesn't suck.

I’m reading a really good book about vacuums

I’m just so sucked into it!

What do you call a vacuum that interferes with the legal system?

Obsuction of justice

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the difference between a vacuum cleaner and my life?

The vacuum cleaner stops sucking when I press the button.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young, former Kirby vacuum salesman from North Dakota starts working at a "everything under one roof" store in Florida...

Though the manager who interviewed him was nervous with only that one bit of work history he liked the kid so he decided to hire him. "You can start tomorrow and I'll check up on you by the end of the day and see how much you have sold."



The first day on the job was a bit rough but th...

Imagine getting a vacuum cleaner for Christmas

That would suck

My wife said, “I’ve never seen you mop or vacuum in my life!”

I said, “Floors are beneath me.”

Who wants to hear my vacuum joke?

Forget it. It sucks.

I threw out my old vacuum cleaner today...

It was just gathering dust.

(Courtesy of Tim Vine)

My vacuum cleaner was having a hard time doing its job. Yet the one I bought to replace it didn’t work either.

It really sucks

I got a new vacuum cleaner but think I'm going to return it...

It just blows.

Mr. Hoover sold vacuums. He dreamed about vacuums. When on vacation he went to the vacuum museum. He would dump dirt on the floor when he got home just so he could vacuum. One day he decided to try a career in stand-up comedy. Why was he a complete failure as a comedian?

He was mute.

Quick, you have ten minutes to create an absolute vacuum

no pressure

Vacuums are the worst

Not only do they suck, but they're also empty

How would a vacuum talk?

Loud and clear.

My girlfriend refuses to vacuum the carpet

It’s like it’s beneath her or something

My friend just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to vacuum the house.

Turns out she was a Slovak.

I'm trying to get rid of my vacuum.

All it does is gather dust.

What did the Witch say when the Broom Salesman showed her a Vacuum?

I don't want an automatic! I want a Stickshift!

So i went to an shop to buy a vacuum cleaner...

And i looked at the prices, one was $100 the other was $99.

I looked in my pocket and i had $200.

But they were too cheap, so i went to look in a thrift shop for something better.

When i got there, one was $130, the other $200 and the other $100.

But those were all used v...

After spending all day looking for the perfect vacuum I finally realised...

They all suck

What animal SHOULD be scared of vacuum cleaners?

Dust bunnies.

My vacuum cleaner wasn’t working properly, so I tried to fix it.

Now it sucks even more.

My vacuum cleaner recently had babies

Oh whoops, I meant my dog

I went to see the doctor yesterday as I wasn’t feeling too good after emptying my bagless vacuum cleaner

He told me I might actually dyson.

I got Inside a vacuum chamber once.

It was breath taking.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do a vacuum cleaner and a porn star have in common?

They both suck better when they are empty inside.

What did the inventor of the vacuum cleaner say to the child he never wanted?

Dyson

Once upon a time ...

Once upon a time ..a small boy named Basheer lived in a tiny Moroccan village. All his classmates hated him for his stupidity especially his teacher who was always yelling at him "you are driving me crazy Basheer"...

One day his mother went to check out how he is doing at school and the teach...

A vacuum cleaner company removed their latest model from stores a week after launch,

All user reviews said that it sucked.

Why did Jill Stein try to censor a movie where the hero uses a shop vacuum to save people?

Because she doesn't want anyone to think there's such a thing as good vac scenes.

My wife went to the doctor yesterday and was diagnosed with the broken-vacuum-cleaner syndrome

It means that they make a ton of noise and don't suck anymore.

My vacuum cleaner wasn’t working that well

So I put a Honda sticker on it so it would suck more

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW]Did you know that when you stick your dick in a vacuum....and turn it on to reverse...

they'll kick you out of Sears?
__

Someone wrote in the comment jumping on my ass about nit giving credit. I heard this on Conan last night by comedian Matt Donaher. I wasn't stealing the guys joke. I'd never seen anyone on here giving credit to people they hear the jokes from. And because ...

I finally found out what they call the vacuum at the abortion clinic

Woomba

What do an old vacuum cleaner and years of marriage have in common?

Loss of suction.

More and more married women are being diagnosed with aged vacuum disease

They start making strange noises all the time and don't suck any more

If space is a vacuum...

Why is the earth so dirty?

The other day a blimp told me he contained a perfect vacuum

I told him he was full of hot air

Why do we still use vacuum cleaners?

I mean.... They suck.

For a vacuum, blow and suck mean two different things.

That's not always true for humans.

Apple is going to release the first smart vacuum cleaner this year

The first Apple product that doesn't suck

(not hating on apple or anything but i got this joke somewhere)

Where do baby robotic vacuums come from?

The Woomba

I'll show myself out.

Why don't Buddhists vacuum in the corners of the monastery?

Because they have no attachments.

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