UPJOKE
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A vacuum salesman knocked on a newly built home

A lady opened the door. The salesman rushed into the home and threw rotten scrambled eggs, fries and hot dogs on the carpet floor. Before the lady said anything, the salesman said "Mam, the vacuum i have is the best in business. I'll vacuum every single thing and also ensure there is no odor. If i f...

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A vacuum cleaner salesman came to my door, poured a bag of dog shit on my carpet and said, "Sir, if this vacuum can't clean it completely, I'll eat whatever's left."

I said, "I hope you're hungry 'cause they cut off the electricity this morning."

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Men vacuum in the same way that they have sex.

They just put it in and make some noise for 3 minutes before they collapse on the couch, thinking that their wife should be really happy.

Before my abusive father left, he was really enthusiastic about vacuuming

He would always say "Whenever I look at your face I want you to Dyson"

A well stole my vacuum cleaner recently...

I showed my friend a picture and he sent "well that sucks"

Why did the Buddhist vacuum cleaner have dirty window sills?

Because it had zero attachments.

This bloke knocked on my door and said, "Can I come into your house and talk about vacuuming your carpets?"

I am sure he was a Jehoovers Witness.

Do you know what your momma and a vacuum cleaner have in common?

Turn them on and they'll suck.

The vacuum extractor is a device used in some childbirths.

It sucks for the baby.

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A vacuum salesman knocked on my door this morning

When I opened my door, before I could even talk to him, he dumped a bucket of dog shit on my carpet

He then said “if this vacuum cleaner doesn’t clean your carpet within 2 minutes, I will personally eat whatever’s left of the shit

To which I replied “well you better be hungry because m...

I sold my vacuum the other day.

All it was doing was collecting dust!

The Dyson Ball Vacuum…

Is a horribly misleading name for this product.

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My wife fell on the vacuum cleaner the other day and had to go to hospital as it got stuck in her vagina

You’ll be glad to hear she’s not quite back on her feet, but she’s picking up well

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I used to sell vacuum cleaners door to door and do demonstrations by appointment. Seriously I did.

I had an appointment to demonstrate a machine at a home in a rural area. The house looked rough and as I walked to the door carrying all my demonstration equipment, a big mangy dog with a matted eye crowded me and followed me to the house.

I rang the bell and the lady let me in and the stupi...

Last night the Grim Reaper came for me, but I managed to beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.

Talk about Dyson with Death.

What's the difference between a Harley Davidson motorcycle and a Hoover vacuum cleaner?

The vacuum cleaner only has room for one dirt bag

the vacuum cleaner in my dorm is so bad..

i would say it sucks but it can’t even do that

What do BMWs and Vacuums have in common?

They both have a dirtbag inside them.

At one time, Lucas Electrics manufactured a vacuum cleaner.

It was the only product in their entire history that didn't suck.

What's another name for a Pore vacuum?

A broom and a dustpan!

How many ensigns does it take to clean the USS Enterprise?

Zero, space is a vacuum.

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Did you know that if you put your testicle on the opening of a beer bottle and put a lighter under the base, eventually the heat will create a vacuum and your testicle will be sucked into the bottle?

If you ever tried this, let me know how the reverse the process.

Need answers fast

Used Vacuum cleaner for sale.

I don't need it anymore. All it does is collect dust.

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I'm not surprised that my dog is scared of the vacuum cleaner...

I know exactly what a vacuum cleaner is for, but to my dog, it's just a screaming robot that keeps attacking his owner's dick.

What’s the similarity between a female and a vacuum

They only suck when they are turned on

Bought my wife a new belt and bag for Valentines day,

The vacuum works just fine now.

There once was a boy named George Gunderson who did not do very well in school. His classmates ridiculed him every day, as did his teacher, Mrs. Jones. George couldn't stand it, and always came home crying to his parents.

One day, Mr. and Mrs. Gunderson decided to come to the school early to give Mrs. Jones a piece of her mind. The second the door opened to let the kids outside, Mr. and Mrs. Gunderson peeked inside to hear Mrs. Jones screaming at George. "George Gunderson, you are the dumbest kid in the world!"
...

A man walks into a vacuum cleaner store

After browsing around for a while, he asked to see the manager. When the manager came, he asked, "Is there something wrong?" And then the man replied with, "Oh something's wrong alright. Everything you sell sucks!"

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Salesman’s promise

A salesman knocked at the door and a woman answers. The salesman barges in and scatters fresh horseshit all around the living room floor and the carpet.
The woman is shocked and her kids are amused.

The salesman confidently says, “Do not worry. I am selling this brand new extra power vacu...

Milk production on a dairy farm has slowed down…

Management needs to figure out what’s going wrong, so they hire three consultants. A psychologist, an engineer, and a physicist.

The psychologist spends a few days wandering the fields before returning to the farmer and saying “The cows are stressed tf out. Give them a window for natural ligh...

My wife was frustrated “ this vacuum just doesn’t suck anymore” she said

“What happened? Did it get married?”

I recently got a job selling vacuums and finally got the courage to make a pun around my new coworkers

it sucked.

I got rid of my vacuum cleaner the other day.

It’s been gathering dust for a while, and generally kind of sucks.

My jokes are like vacuum cleaners

They suck

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One day, a good-looking door-to-door seller knocks on the old lady's house and is offering the "world's best" vacuum cleaner...

He runs into the middle of the living room and bursts a cow dung on the floor.

"Madam", he says, "I swear to god, if I won't be able to clean the shit out of the carpet in 2 minutes, I will personally eat it".

The lady just smiles: "I hope you are hungry. The power is out since morni...

I feel like my purchase of a vacuum cleaner was a waste of money

Ever since I bought all it's done is collected dust

If you think that your computer, laptop and phone spying on you is scary then think again,

Because your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years

The highlight of my week was my new vacuum cleaner.

Things are picking up.

It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.

Either it sucks or it sucks!

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Did you know?

Did you know that if you stick your penis in a vacuum cleaner, >!they kick you out of Walmart?!<

Here’s the thing about vacuum cleaners

It doesn’t matter if you have the best or the worst, because at the end of the day they all suck.

How do you fix a broken vacuum cleaner?

Put a Green Bay sticker on it, it'll suck again.

How did the robot vacuum the house?

Roomba room.

Salesman

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners." "Go a...

I really like my new job in the vacuum industry

There's no pressure.

I tried buying a vacuum the other day

The sales associate told me they all suck

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What's got 8 legs and sounds like a vacuum sucking up honey?

Greedy bastard at KFC.

Salesman: "Ma'am, this vacuum cleaner is so great it will cut all your work by half!"

Woman: "That's fantastic! Give me two."

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I got my testicles stuck in a vacuum cleaner.

Now we're both bagless.

My vacuum stopped working

... Another one bites the dust

“What if you had vacuums for hands?

Wouldn’t that suck?”

-my old coworker Flip

I don't know why they bother with all that science history stuff in class like "Nature abhors a vacuum".

Anyone who's ever had pets knew that already.

Everyone in Britain prefers brushes over vacuum cleaners when it comes to tidying their floors.

Sorry if that's a sweeping generalisation.

Why do billionaires race to space?

Cause the bubble they live in is so limiting.
They'd prefer to exist in a vacuum.

(Note: I made this joke up. Help me improve it and share your funny alternative answers in comments :))

What sound does a vacuum sweeper make when it explodes?

KA-BROOM!

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What is the difference between my wife and my vacuum?

The vacuum doesn't snore after sex.



April fools, I don't have a wife.

I bought a very cheap vacuum cleaner from a sale

What do you expect? It sucks.

My dog has been humping pillows… I think he learned it from watching me.

I’m just glad he’s still afraid of the vacuum cleaner.

My girlfriend said, “Why have I never seen you mop or vacuum in my life?”

I said, “Floors are beneath me.”

I got Inside a vacuum chamber once.

It was breath taking.

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A vacuum cleaner salesman knocks on a woman's door. As she opens the door the salesman quickly runs inside and empties a bag full of poop on her expensive carpet.

Woman, shocked and angered, shouts "what the hell are you doing to my carpet?!?". The salesman replies "Ma'am, this is not just any ordinary vacuum cleaner. This vacuum cleaner has been engineered by top German scientists in their super high tech labs. If this vacuum cleaner doesn't clean up your ca...

Despite space being a Vacuum

Mars is really Dusty

What’s an antivaxxers favorite vacuum?

Dyson.

When shopping for a vacuum on amazon, never trust a 5 star review.

There is no such thing as a perfect vacuum.

Why men don't write advice to the lovelorn columns:

Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a few hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's hel...

Why do carpets in white folk houses always need vacuuming?

Crackers always leave crumbs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I found a way to take faster poops

Quick, grab the vacuum cleaner, I will explain on the way.

Wife: The vacuum cleaner doesn’t suck the way it used to.

Husband: Neither does the dish washer.

A wife asked her husband...

"Why did the vacuum cleaner stop sucking?"
"I don't know it probably got married..."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A salesman trying to sell vacuum cleaners knocks on the door and the mother answers

Before she can say two words, the salesman pushes past her and throws a bag of horse shit on the carpet. The mother is understandably furious.

\- What the HELL do you think you're doing?!

The salesman doesn't lose his composure, after all, he's confident in his product.

\- Ma'am...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know that, when you take your dick out and put it inside of vaccum cleaner hose and turn the vacuum on,

... they are kick you out of Target?

Dad, I hate my life. It's like a functioning vacuum cleaner.

Dad: I don't understand

It sucks.

Dad: well, there is always roomba improvement.

- Hello. I want to return the robot vacuum cleaner I bought from you a week ago. The agreement allows it?

\- Yes, just tell me what you didn't like, we will inform the manufacturer.

\- Everything is in order, I just no longer need a vacuum cleaner. After he sucked the cat three times, My cat learned to use a brush, rag, scoop, and report a full bin.

Whats the last thing your father says before killing you with a vacuum cleaner?

Dyson

A man walks into a store to replace his broken vacuum

Saleman: "Well this sucks"

A man is selling a vacuum cleaner

He met up with a buyer, who asked him if it sucked well.

“Like my wife,” he responded.

Unsure of himself the buyer asked him whether that was a good or bad.

All the seller could say was “How the hell would I know?”

My wife wants a vacuum.

I think I'll give her some space.

Last night, I did the dishes, vacuumed the house, hung up our laundry and mopped the floors while my wife was resting.

She was incredibly thankful, and after I finished she came up to me and gave me a massive hug, saying "What would I ever do without you?"

The dishes would be a good start.

How to fix a broken vacuum.

If you ever come a cross a broken vacuum, put a toronto maple leaf hockey jersey on it.

It will start sucking right away.

I put the "cum" in "vacuume"

No seriously guys, my moms gonna be home any minute and the tube is filled. How do I get it out.

My friend got a job working at a vacuum cleaner factory.

He said the money is good but the job sucks.

Thank you. Thank you.

My 90yr old Grandfather got startled by my automatic vacuum, and smashed it.

KO Roomba

I finally found out what they call the vacuum at the abortion clinic

Woomba

Two dust particles meet in a vacuum cleaner

"Man, I hate this place" says one of them.
"Yeah, it sucks."

Students, for your science exam you will be required to create a vacuum.

No pressure.

What did the young vacuum cleaner say to the old one when it wouldn’t shut up?

Ok, Roomba

My pet name for my wife is "broken vacuum cleaner" because...

##

...neither of them can cook.

My son was overjoyed when I told him that I found his hamster.

Not so much when I said it was in the vacuum cleaner.

I told my wife to sell all the vacuums we have,

they are only collecting dust anyways...

I personally think vacuums are terrible at cleaning

I don’t really have a reason, they just suck

I noticed my vacuum is cleaning less of the house than before.

I think it has roomba-toid arthritis.

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