Why are dogs afraid to go to space?

Because of the vacuum

Edit: Sorry if this joke is ruff

Double Edit: on the other hand, when I go to space I feel no pressure

I sold my vacuum cleaner the other day.

All it was doing was collecting dust.

What’s the difference between a vacuum cleaner, and someone who drives a Harley Davidson?

Position of the dirt bag.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Men vacuum in the same way that they have sex.

They just put it in and make some noise for 3 minutes before they collapse on the couch and think that their wife should be really happy.

How to fix a broken vacuum.

If you ever come a cross a broken vacuum, put a toronto maple leaf hockey jersey on it.

It will start sucking right away.

What vacuum cleaner brand do Antivaxxers prefer?

Dyson.

Wife: The vacuum cleaner doesn’t suck the way it used to.

Husband: Neither does the dish washer.

I’m reading a really good book about vacuums

I’m just so sucked into it!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

3 vacuum sellers are making their way towards a nearby farm

The three walk past a beautiful young girl, the farmers daughter, and go straight for the front door. They knock and the farmer opens up. They ask would he be interested in buying a vacuum. The farmer ponders for a moment and agrees to buy a vacuum, but on one condition. They don't try to flirt with...

I bought the new "Ford" vacuum cleaner, but it doesn't work.

I guess it's the only thing Ford has made that doesn't suck.

I had amnesia and can't figure out what a vacuum cleaner is supposed to do

It sucks

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A vacuum cleaner salesman

A vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on my door
Before I spoke he tipped a bucket of dog shit over my carpet and said
If this vacuum doesn't remove every trace of it I'll personally eat what's left
I replied I hope you're hungry because they cut off my electric this morning

My vacuum cleaner was having a hard time doing its job. Yet the one I bought to replace it didn’t work either.

It really sucks

Imagine getting a vacuum cleaner for Christmas

That would suck

What's the difference between a woman and a vacuum cleaner?

Vacuum cleaners don't shout at you for not wearing a condom

A young, former Kirby vacuum salesman from North Dakota starts working at a "everything under one roof" store in Florida...

Though the manager who interviewed him was nervous with only that one bit of work history he liked the kid so he decided to hire him. "You can start tomorrow and I'll check up on you by the end of the day and see how much you have sold."

​

The first day on the job was a bit ...

My wife said, “I’ve never seen you mop or vacuum in my life!”

I said, “Floors are beneath me.”

What do you call a vacuum that interferes with the legal system?

Obsuction of justice

How would a vacuum talk?

Loud and clear.

Who wants to hear my vacuum joke?

Forget it. It sucks.

Quick, you have ten minutes to create an absolute vacuum

no pressure

Vacuums are the worst

Not only do they suck, but they're also empty

Why can’t the Buddha vacuum under the couch?

Because he doesn’t have any attachments.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A vacuum cleaner salesman knocks on a woman's door. As she opens the door the salesman quickly runs inside and empties a bag full of poop on her expensive carpet.

Woman, shocked and angered, shouts "what the hell are you doing to my carpet?!?". The salesman replies "Ma'am, this is not just any ordinary vacuum cleaner. This vacuum cleaner has been engineered by top German scientists in their super high tech labs. If this vacuum cleaner doesn't clean up your ca...

My girlfriend refuses to vacuum the carpet

It’s like it’s beneath her or something

What animal SHOULD be scared of vacuum cleaners?

Dust bunnies.

My friend just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to vacuum the house.

Turns out she was a Slovak.

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day..

..only to be confronted by Kevin, carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning", said Kevin. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!"

And ...

Mr. Hoover sold vacuums. He dreamed about vacuums. When on vacation he went to the vacuum museum. He would dump dirt on the floor when he got home just so he could vacuum. One day he decided to try a career in stand-up comedy. Why was he a complete failure as a comedian?

He was mute.

What did the Witch say when the Broom Salesman showed her a Vacuum?

I don't want an automatic! I want a Stickshift!

I'm trying to get rid of my vacuum.

All it does is gather dust.

After spending all day looking for the perfect vacuum I finally realised...

They all suck

My vacuum cleaner wasn’t working properly, so I tried to fix it.

Now it sucks even more.

So i went to an shop to buy a vacuum cleaner...

And i looked at the prices, one was $100 the other was $99.

I looked in my pocket and i had $200.

But they were too cheap, so i went to look in a thrift shop for something better.

When i got there, one was $130, the other $200 and the other $100.

But those were all used v...

My vacuum cleaner wasn’t working that well

So I put a Honda sticker on it so it would suck more

I went to see the doctor yesterday as I wasn’t feeling too good after emptying my bagless vacuum cleaner

He told me I might actually dyson.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do a vacuum cleaner and a porn star have in common?

They both suck better when they are empty inside.

I got Inside a vacuum chamber once.

It was breath taking.

A vacuum cleaner company removed their latest model from stores a week after launch,

All user reviews said that it sucked.

What did the father say to his son when he burnt the house down vacuum cleaning...

DYSON!!!

Why did Jill Stein try to censor a movie where the hero uses a shop vacuum to save people?

Because she doesn't want anyone to think there's such a thing as good vac scenes.

I finally found out what they call the vacuum at the abortion clinic

Woomba

My vacuum cleaner recently had babies

Oh whoops, I meant my dog

More and more married women are being diagnosed with aged vacuum disease

They start making strange noises all the time and don't suck any more

What do an old vacuum cleaner and years of marriage have in common?

Loss of suction.

My wife went to the doctor yesterday and was diagnosed with the broken-vacuum-cleaner syndrome

It means that they make a ton of noise and don't suck anymore.

Once upon a time ...

Once upon a time ..a small boy named Basheer lived in a tiny Moroccan village. All his classmates hated him for his stupidity especially his teacher who was always yelling at him "you are driving me crazy Basheer"...

One day his mother went to check out how he is doing at school and the teach...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[NSFW]Did you know that when you stick your dick in a vacuum....and turn it on to reverse...

they'll kick you out of Sears?
__

Someone wrote in the comment jumping on my ass about nit giving credit. I heard this on Conan last night by comedian Matt Donaher. I wasn't stealing the guys joke. I'd never seen anyone on here giving credit to people they hear the jokes from. And because ...

If space is a vacuum...

Why is the earth so dirty?

The other day a blimp told me he contained a perfect vacuum

I told him he was full of hot air

Apple is going to release the first smart vacuum cleaner this year

The first Apple product that doesn't suck

(not hating on apple or anything but i got this joke somewhere)

What do you get when you cross a uterus and a vacuum?

A Woomba

Where do baby robotic vacuums come from?

The Woomba

I'll show myself out.

If space is a vacuum...

There must be a giant woman up there.

Why don't Buddhists vacuum in the corners of the monastery?

Because they have no attachments.

Did you hear about the Buddhist vacuum cleaner?

It has no attachments.

I HATE being stuck in a vacuum chamber

Makes my blood boil

What is a time travelling vacuum cleaner called?

Dr Whoover

I told my son that I found his hamster.

He was ecstatic. Until I said it was in the vacuum cleaner.

World's Best Vacuum Cleaner

A young man knocks on a residential door and an elderly lady answers, the young man says "hello maam, I'm here to show you the world's best vacuum cleaner!", she responds "sorry but I'm not interested and I have no money" as she tries to close the door.

Of course the young man puts his foot...