A vacuum salesman knocked on a newly built home

A lady opened the door. The salesman rushed into the home and threw rotten scrambled eggs, fries and hot dogs on the carpet floor. Before the lady said anything, the salesman said "Mam, the vacuum i have is the best in business. I'll vacuum every single thing and also ensure there is no odor. If i f...

What’s the difference between a Harley Davidson and a vacuum cleaner?

The position of the dirtbag.

I recently got a job selling vacuums and finally got the courage to make a pun around my new coworkers

it sucked.

The highlight of my week was my new vacuum cleaner.

Things are picking up.

I don't know why they bother with all that science history stuff in class like "Nature abhors a vacuum".

Anyone who's ever had pets knew that already.

I had to return my Buddhist vacuum...

It came with no attachments.

My wife was frustrated “ this vacuum just doesn’t suck anymore” she said

“What happened? Did it get married?”

My jokes are like vacuum cleaners

They suck

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Men vacuum in the same way that they have sex

They just put it in and make some noise for 3 minutes before they collapse on the couch and think that their wife should be really happy.

I got rid of my vacuum cleaner the other day.

It’s been gathering dust for a while, and generally kind of sucks.

I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner

as all it was doing was gathering dust.

I tried buying a vacuum the other day

The sales associate told me they all suck

Life is like a vacuum cleaner.

It sucks

Here’s the thing about vacuum cleaners

It doesn’t matter if you have the best or the worst, because at the end of the day they all suck.

My vacuum stopped working

... Another one bites the dust

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I got my testicles stuck in a vacuum cleaner.

Now we're both bagless.

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Did you know that if you put your testicle on the opening of a beer bottle and put a lighter under the base, eventually the heat will create a vacuum and your testicle will be sucked into the bottle?

If you ever tried this, let me know how the reverse the process.

Need answers fast

I really like my new job in the vacuum industry

There's no pressure.

How did the robot vacuum the house?

Roomba room.

What sound does a vacuum sweeper make when it explodes?

KA-BROOM!

What did the grain of dust say when i turned on the vacuum?

This sucks!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's got 8 legs and sounds like a vacuum sucking up honey?

Greedy bastard at KFC.

Salesman: "Ma'am, this vacuum cleaner is so great it will cut all your work by half!"

Woman: "That's fantastic! Give me two."

When shopping for a vacuum on amazon, never trust a 5 star review.

There is no such thing as a perfect vacuum.

Everyone in Britain prefers brushes over vacuum cleaners when it comes to tidying their floors.

Sorry if that's a sweeping generalisation.

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A vacuum cleaner salesman

A vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on my door
Before I spoke he tipped a bucket of dog shit over my carpet and said
If this vacuum doesn't remove every trace of it I'll personally eat what's left
I replied I hope you're hungry because they cut off my electric this morning

My vacuum cleaner is better than most women

It sucks me off and cleans my room for me.

5 times a day

Dad, I hate my life. It's like a functioning vacuum cleaner.

Dad: I don't understand

It sucks.

Dad: well, there is always roomba improvement.

- Hello. I want to return the robot vacuum cleaner I bought from you a week ago. The agreement allows it?

\- Yes, just tell me what you didn't like, we will inform the manufacturer.

\- Everything is in order, I just no longer need a vacuum cleaner. After he sucked the cat three times, My cat learned to use a brush, rag, scoop, and report a full bin.

Despite space being a Vacuum

Mars is really Dusty

I bought a very cheap vacuum cleaner from a sale

What do you expect? It sucks.

My girlfriend said, “Why have I never seen you mop or vacuum in my life?”

I said, “Floors are beneath me.”

There once was a little red man

Who lived in a little red house. One day the little red man was driving to his little red house in his little red car.

He opened his little red door and went into his little red room, took off his little red clothes and suddenly heard his little red doorbell ring.

So the little red man...

A man is selling a vacuum cleaner

He met up with a buyer, who asked him if it sucked well.

“Like my wife,” he responded.

Unsure of himself the buyer asked him whether that was a good or bad.

All the seller could say was “How the hell would I know?”

Last night, I did the dishes, vacuumed the house, hung up our laundry and mopped the floors while my wife was resting.

She was incredibly thankful, and after I finished she came up to me and gave me a massive hug, saying "What would I ever do without you?"

The dishes would be a good start.

A new vacuum came out yesterday

Yeah, apparently it really sucked

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the difference between my wife and my vacuum?

The vacuum doesn't snore after sex.



April fools, I don't have a wife.

Students, for your science exam you will be required to create a vacuum.

No pressure.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A salesman trying to sell vacuum cleaners knocks on the door and the mother answers

Before she can say two words, the salesman pushes past her and throws a bag of horse shit on the carpet. The mother is understandably furious.

\- What the HELL do you think you're doing?!

The salesman doesn't lose his composure, after all, he's confident in his product.

\- Ma'am...

What's the difference between a wife and a vacuum cleaner? [NSFW]

The vacuum still sucks after a year.

Why do vacuum hoses suck?

Because they’re not long enough.

I had a broken vacuum...

then I put a One Direction sticker on it and it suddenly sucked again.

I put the "cum" in "vacuume"

No seriously guys, my moms gonna be home any minute and the tube is filled. How do I get it out.

What’s an antivaxxers favorite vacuum?

Dyson.

I noticed my vacuum is cleaning less of the house than before.

I think it has roomba-toid arthritis.

Despite its bad review I bough this vacuum cleaner from Amazon

It sucks.

My Roomba accidentally went out the front door, and the neighbourhood animals immediately started attacking it.

Nature abhors a vacuum.

My wife wants a vacuum.

I think I'll give her some space.

They say a fool and his money are easily parted, but...

Vacuum repair shops really are for broke suckers.

What’s the difference between a canary and a hamster?

The canary goes “foshhh” while the hamster goes “fump” in the vacuum.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just be careful because people are going crazy from being in lock down!

Actually I've just been talking about this with the microwave and toaster while drinking coffee and we all agreed that things are getting bad.

I didn't mention anything to the washing machine as she puts a different spin on everything.

Certainly not to the fridge as he is acting cold a...

Wife: The vacuum cleaner doesn’t suck the way it used to.

Husband: Neither does the dish washer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A vacuum cleaner salesman knocks on a woman's door. As she opens the door the salesman quickly runs inside and empties a bag full of poop on her expensive carpet.

Woman, shocked and angered, shouts "what the hell are you doing to my carpet?!?". The salesman replies "Ma'am, this is not just any ordinary vacuum cleaner. This vacuum cleaner has been engineered by top German scientists in their super high tech labs. If this vacuum cleaner doesn't clean up your ca...

My friend got a job working at a vacuum cleaner factory.

He said the money is good but the job sucks.

Thank you. Thank you.

My pet name for my wife is "broken vacuum cleaner" because...

##

...neither of them can cook.

My 90yr old Grandfather got startled by my automatic vacuum, and smashed it.

KO Roomba

No matter what vacuum cleaner you buy

They all suck

The only vacuum I use is the one made specifically for made for antivax parents...

Dyson

Whats the last thing your father says before killing you with a vacuum cleaner?

Dyson

What did the murderer say to his child as he pointed his vacuum cleaner at him?

Dyson.

Every vacuum cleaner in existence is an antique.

Because all they do is collect dust.

Astigmatism is like a vacuum cleaner

I can see two u’s!

I just bought a vacuum cleaner from Wal-Mart.

It's the only thing I ever bought there that didn't suck.

How to fix a broken vacuum.

If you ever come a cross a broken vacuum, put a toronto maple leaf hockey jersey on it.

It will start sucking right away.

I told my wife to sell all the vacuums we have,

they are only collecting dust anyways...

What did Reddit say when it opened a vacuum?

Wow! Such empty.

Two dust particles meet in a vacuum cleaner

"Man, I hate this place" says one of them.
"Yeah, it sucks."

I personally think vacuums are terrible at cleaning

I don’t really have a reason, they just suck

A door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman knocks on a woman's door.

The woman answers, and the salesman says "Lady, I have the best damn vaccuum cleaner in the whole world."

Before she could decline, he invited himself in. "Lady," he said, "This vaccuum cleaner can suck up anything. In fact, if you leave it running, it'll probably suck the carpet up!"

...

Your dad does the vacuuming in boxing gloves

Calls himself Dyson Fury

I got Inside a vacuum chamber once.

It was breath taking.

I had amnesia and can't figure out what a vacuum cleaner is supposed to do

It sucks

Can someone recommend a good vacuum?

Because it seems like they all suck.

I am anti vax and I don’t care what you think...

I am sick and tired of seeing people that are anti vax getting slandered on Facebook .

We have good reason to feel this way and simply attacking us or bad mouthing us is not going to change our minds. We will not be silenced.

I for sure will never have another one again. No chance, I...

Imagine getting a vacuum cleaner for Christmas

That would suck

Why do carpets in white folk houses always need vacuuming?

Crackers always leave crumbs.

Quick, you have ten minutes to create an absolute vacuum

no pressure

Who wants to hear my vacuum joke?

Forget it. It sucks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 vacuum sellers are making their way towards a nearby farm

The three walk past a beautiful young girl, the farmers daughter, and go straight for the front door. They knock and the farmer opens up. They ask would he be interested in buying a vacuum. The farmer ponders for a moment and agrees to buy a vacuum, but on one condition. They don't try to flirt with...

There once were two people out in the woods...

When they happened to come upon an old well. One person looks at the other and says, "I wonder how deep that well is."

The other responds, "We can figure that out quick enough. Grab one of these logs here, toss it down the well, and count how long it takes to splash."

So the two find a...

I threw away my vacuum cleaner......

because It kept collecting dust.

I'm sorry that joked sucked, like a vacuum cleaner

My wife said we need a new vacuum cleaner because ours really sucks

I replied: Well then why do we need a new one?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One of my favorite jokes

So there was a cucumber, pickle, and penis talking about how bad their lives were.

The cucumber says, "My life is terrible! When I get big and hard they chop me up and put me in a salad!!"

The pickle says, "That's nothing! When I get big and hard, they stick my in a jar full of vinegar...

I finally found out what they call the vacuum at the abortion clinic

Woomba

Why couldn’t the Buddha vacuum underneath his couch?

He had no attatchments

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW]Did you know that when you stick your dick in a vacuum....and turn it on to reverse...

they'll kick you out of Sears?
__

Someone wrote in the comment jumping on my ass about nit giving credit. I heard this on Conan last night by comedian Matt Donaher. I wasn't stealing the guys joke. I'd never seen anyone on here giving credit to people they hear the jokes from. And because ...

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