I got rid of my vacuum cleaner the other day.

It’s been gathering dust for a while, and generally kind of sucks.

Everyone in Britain prefers brushes over vacuum cleaners when it comes to tidying their floors.

Sorry if that's a sweeping generalisation.

Salesman: "Ma'am, this vacuum cleaner is so great it will cut all your work by half!"

Woman: "That's fantastic! Give me two."

What is the difference between a Harley Davidson and a Hoover vacuum?

The position of the dirt bag.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got my testicles stuck in a vacuum cleaner.

Now we're both bagless.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Men vacuum in the same way that they have sex

They just put it in and make some noise for 3 minutes before they collapse on the couch and think that their wife should be really happy.

I would like to return this vacuum cleaner

Employee:why?
Costumer:it sucks

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's got 8 legs and sounds like a vacuum sucking up honey?

Greedy bastard at KFC.

A vacuum cleaner is never broken

Even when out of use it still gathers dust

My girlfriend said, “Why have I never seen you mop or vacuum in my life?”

I said, “Floors are beneath me.”

When shopping for a vacuum on amazon, never trust a 5 star review.

There is no such thing as a perfect vacuum.

What’s the worst thing about vacuums?

They suck to clean

A vacuum salesman knocked on a newly built home

A lady opened the door. The salesman rushed into the home and threw rotten scrambled eggs, fries and hot dogs on the carpet floor. Before the lady said anything, the salesman said "Mam, the vacuum i have is the best in business. I'll vacuum every single thing and also ensure there is no odor. If i f...

A man walks into a store to replace his broken vacuum

Saleman: "Well this sucks"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the difference between my wife and my vacuum?

The vacuum doesn't snore after sex.



April fools, I don't have a wife.

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Did you know that if you put your testicle on the opening of a beer bottle and put a lighter under the base, eventually the heat will create a vacuum and your testicle will be sucked into the bottle?

If you ever tried this, let me know how the reverse the process.

Need answers fast

You wanna hear a vacuum joke?

I would tell you but it really sucks

I put the "cum" in "vacuume"

No seriously guys, my moms gonna be home any minute and the tube is filled. How do I get it out.

What’s an antivaxxers favorite vacuum?

Dyson.

Last night, I did the dishes, vacuumed the house, hung up our laundry and mopped the floors while my wife was resting.

She was incredibly thankful, and after I finished she came up to me and gave me a massive hug, saying "What would I ever do without you?"

The dishes would be a good start.

A physicist, engineer and a statistician are out hunting...

A physicist, engineer and a statistician are out hunting. Suddenly, a deer appears 50 yards away.

The physicist does some basic ballistic calculations, assuming a vacuum, lifts his rifle to a specific angle, and shoots. The bullet lands 5 yards short.

The engineer adds a fudge factor f...

A man is selling a vacuum cleaner

He met up with a buyer, who asked him if it sucked well.

“Like my wife,” he responded.

Unsure of himself the buyer asked him whether that was a good or bad.

All the seller could say was “How the hell would I know?”

I noticed my vacuum is cleaning less of the house than before.

I think it has roomba-toid arthritis.

Why does nobody like jokes about vacuum cleaners?

Because they all suck!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A vacuum cleaner salesman

A vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on my door
Before I spoke he tipped a bucket of dog shit over my carpet and said
If this vacuum doesn't remove every trace of it I'll personally eat what's left
I replied I hope you're hungry because they cut off my electric this morning

Students, for your science exam you will be required to create a vacuum.

No pressure.

Despite its bad review I bough this vacuum cleaner from Amazon

It sucks.

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I sexually identify as a vacuum

Because my life sucks

My pet name for my wife is "broken vacuum cleaner" because...

##

...neither of them can cook.

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A salesman trying to sell vacuum cleaners knocks on the door and the mother answers

Before she can say two words, the salesman pushes past her and throws a bag of horse shit on the carpet. The mother is understandably furious.

\- What the HELL do you think you're doing?!

The salesman doesn't lose his composure, after all, he's confident in his product.

\- Ma'am...

I bought a Buddhist vacuum cleaner.

It's free of all attachments.

There was this haunted ICU in a hospital. People always died at 3pm on a Sunday afternoon, regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled the medical staff, so a group of doctors decided to keep a watch on the bed in secret and waited for the fateful hour.

At 3pm, the door to the ward slowly opened, then a cleaner came in, disconnected the life support machine and plugged in a vacuum cleaner.

What's the difference between a wife and a vacuum cleaner? [NSFW]

The vacuum still sucks after a year.

Why do vacuum hoses suck?

Because they’re not long enough.

My friend got a job working at a vacuum cleaner factory.

He said the money is good but the job sucks.

Thank you. Thank you.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know that, when you take your dick out and put it inside of vaccum cleaner hose and turn the vacuum on,

... they are kick you out of Target?

My 90yr old Grandfather got startled by my automatic vacuum, and smashed it.

KO Roomba

A Janitor sat staring at the vacuum after finishing using it and thought...

“How did I come to this?”

A store manager is doing the rounds one day when he comes upon a new employee talking to a customer

The customer wants a TV, but the employee says they don't have any so the customer walks away.

The manager, annoyed, calls the employee to his office and tells him "We never say no to a customer. Next time, tell him you need to fetch it from the back. Then go buy it from the store next door a...

A soviet worker wants to surprise his wife for their 10 year anniversary

A poor, soviet worker, who works in a vacuum factory wants to make his wife a present for their 10 year anniversary. He has barely enough money to survive tho, so he hatches a plan:

every day while standing at the production line he steals one vacuum part and brings it home. After a few week...

The only vacuum I use is the one made specifically for made for antivax parents...

Dyson

What did the murderer say to his child as he pointed his vacuum cleaner at him?

Dyson.

I had a broken vacuum...

then I put a One Direction sticker on it and it suddenly sucked again.

My wife wants a vacuum.

I think I'll give her some space.

I like to clean my floors around 1 or 2 in the morning because it's almost like having an audience cheer you on.

My downstairs neighbors just keep screaming "Vacuum!" at the top of their lungs.

What did Reddit say when it opened a vacuum?

Wow! Such empty.

No matter what vacuum cleaner you buy

They all suck

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three women were fed up with their husbands

They agree that the best way to get their husbands to help with cleaning, is to stop doing it themselves. A week later, they meet again to discuss how it went.

The first one said: 'My Harry never did the laundry. I was sick of it. I told him: 'Harry, you lazy ass, I'm not doing your laundry a...

I don’t care what type of vacuum cleaner you got

They all suck

What did the father vacuum say to his son before he left for war?

Don’t Dyson

Wife: The vacuum cleaner doesn’t suck the way it used to.

Husband: Neither does the dish washer.

Whats the last thing your father says before killing you with a vacuum cleaner?

Dyson

Astigmatism is like a vacuum cleaner

I can see two u’s!

Did you know one of the biggest technology companies manufacturing things like bladeless fans, hand dryers, vacuums and more was started by an anti-vaxxer?

Dyson

Every vacuum cleaner in existence is an antique.

Because all they do is collect dust.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just be careful because people are going crazy from being in lock down!

Actually I've just been talking about this with the microwave and toaster while drinking coffee and we all agreed that things are getting bad.

I didn't mention anything to the washing machine as she puts a different spin on everything.

Certainly not to the fridge as he is acting cold...

We recently bought a Roomba...

It requires keeping it's rollers clean, it's sensors clean, it's bag empty, it's charger station free of dust... I have officially become the vacuum cleaner.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A vacuum cleaner salesman knocks on a woman's door. As she opens the door the salesman quickly runs inside and empties a bag full of poop on her expensive carpet.

Woman, shocked and angered, shouts "what the hell are you doing to my carpet?!?". The salesman replies "Ma'am, this is not just any ordinary vacuum cleaner. This vacuum cleaner has been engineered by top German scientists in their super high tech labs. If this vacuum cleaner doesn't clean up your ca...

I told my wife to sell all the vacuums we have,

they are only collecting dust anyways...

Two dust particles meet in a vacuum cleaner

"Man, I hate this place" says one of them.
"Yeah, it sucks."

Can someone recommend a good vacuum?

Because it seems like they all suck.

Your dad does the vacuuming in boxing gloves

Calls himself Dyson Fury

A door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman knocks on a woman's door.

The woman answers, and the salesman says "Lady, I have the best damn vaccuum cleaner in the whole world."

Before she could decline, he invited himself in. "Lady," he said, "This vaccuum cleaner can suck up anything. In fact, if you leave it running, it'll probably suck the carpet up!"

...

How to fix a broken vacuum.

If you ever come a cross a broken vacuum, put a toronto maple leaf hockey jersey on it.

It will start sucking right away.

I just bought a vacuum cleaner from Wal-Mart.

It's the only thing I ever bought there that didn't suck.

I had amnesia and can't figure out what a vacuum cleaner is supposed to do

It sucks

A boy's mother was vacuuming her 13 year old son's bedroom

She comes across a pile of serious bondage gear and fetish mags under his bed.

She tells her husband and asks "What do we do?"

Husband says "I'm no expert, but I wouldn't spank him."

I personally think vacuums are terrible at cleaning

I don’t really have a reason, they just suck

My wife said we need a new vacuum cleaner because ours really sucks

I replied: Well then why do we need a new one?

the story of jimmy the dumb student

there once was a boy named jimmy who studied in an elementary school in a small town in oklahoma,

this kid was so stupid he didn't understand anything at all, no one liked him, his teacher ms. dorothy always yelled at him: "jimmy you're gonna give me a heart attack!"

one day his mom c...

Which machine is the worst and best at what it does?

A vacuum... It just sucks

I was Washingtons of clothes when...

Adams-el in distress ran up to me and said her boyfriend Jefferson was being not nice and even though I was a bit Madison at the guy I couldn’t help but give her retreat, and boy, she was such a Monroe!

My friend Jack’s son decided to do a van burying on me I was having a leisurely drive. He ...

Why couldn’t the Buddha vacuum underneath his couch?

He had no attatchments

Imagine getting a vacuum cleaner for Christmas

That would suck

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the difference between a vacuum cleaner and my life?

The vacuum cleaner stops sucking when I press the button.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 vacuum sellers are making their way towards a nearby farm

The three walk past a beautiful young girl, the farmers daughter, and go straight for the front door. They knock and the farmer opens up. They ask would he be interested in buying a vacuum. The farmer ponders for a moment and agrees to buy a vacuum, but on one condition. They don't try to flirt with...

I threw away my vacuum cleaner......

because It kept collecting dust.

I'm sorry that joked sucked, like a vacuum cleaner

Quick, you have ten minutes to create an absolute vacuum

no pressure

My vacuum cleaner was having a hard time doing its job. Yet the one I bought to replace it didn’t work either.

It really sucks

I got Inside a vacuum chamber once.

It was breath taking.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young guy from West Virginia moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in West Virginia ." Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and
figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you d...

Men's Helpline for Women

Dear John,

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV.  My car stalled, and then it broke down about a mile down the road, and I had to walk back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He wa...

The Vacuum Salesman

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleane...

I’m reading a really good book about vacuums

I’m just so sucked into it!

Mr. Hoover sold vacuums. He dreamed about vacuums. When on vacation he went to the vacuum museum. He would dump dirt on the floor when he got home just so he could vacuum. One day he decided to try a career in stand-up comedy. Why was he a complete failure as a comedian?

He was mute.

What do you call a vacuum that interferes with the legal system?

Obsuction of justice

What's the difference between a woman and a vacuum cleaner?

Vacuum cleaners don't shout at you for not wearing a condom

A wife is vacuuming as her husband relaxes on the couch...

All of a sudden the vacuum stops and the wife yells at her husband "HUNNY I THINK THE VACUUM IS BROKEN, ITS NOT SUCKING ANYMORE!"


He responds: "I guess it got married!"

Why do carpets in white folk houses always need vacuuming?

Crackers always leave crumbs.

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