UPJOKE
vacuum cleanersuctionhooverouter spaceemptinessspacevoidmatteraetherpressuretorrfrictionvacuum tubecleanvacuity

A vacuum salesman knocked on a newly built home

A lady opened the door. The salesman rushed into the home and threw rotten scrambled eggs, fries and hot dogs on the carpet floor. Before the lady said anything, the salesman said "Mam, the vacuum i have is the best in business. I'll vacuum every single thing and also ensure there is no odor. If i f...

A witch was flying on her broom when she noticed that all the witches she passed were flying on vacuum cleaners.

She thought to herself, "Am I the only one who still drives a stick?"

What's the difference between a Harley Davidson motorcycle and a Hoover vacuum cleaner?

The position of the dirtbag.

I told my son that I found his hamster in our vacuum cleaner.

With tears in his eyes he said, "Please get a new one, daddy..."

"I was thinking the same," I said, "the suction is absolutely terrible."

When you clean a vacuum cleaner, you become a vacuum cleaner

So if I show someone a shower, do I become a shower?

I finally decided to sell my vacuum cleaner.

All it was doing was gathering dust!

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Men vacuum in the same way that they have sex.

They just put it in and make some noise for 3 minutes before they collapse on the couch, thinking that their wife should be really happy.

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Since we're on a vacuum kick...

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners....

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Do you know what happens when you put your penis in the vacuum cleaner?

The Walmart security guard throws you out.

Aristotle said that nature abhors a vacuum.

This explains why the floor outside is covered in dirt.

What’s the most infanticidal vacuum cleaner?

A Dyson

I was going to tell you a vacuum joke...

But they all suck.

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I used to sell vacuum cleaners door to door and do demonstrations by appointment. Seriously I did.

I had an appointment to demonstrate a machine at a home in a rural area. The house looked rough and as I walked to the door carrying all my demonstration equipment, a big mangy dog with a matted eye crowded me and followed me to the house.

I rang the bell and the lady let me in and the stupi...

A salesman was looking for a house to sell his vacuum cleaner in a new territory

He found the first house and knocked at it's door


A woman answered the knock but before she could say anything,the man rushed into the house and dumped a pile of garbage there


"Ma'am" the man said in his best salespitch "if this vacuum cleaner doesn't work wonders in cleaning u...

How do astronauts keep warm in a vacuum?

They bring a space heater

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Did you know that if you put your testicle on the opening of a beer bottle and put a lighter under the base, eventually the heat will create a vacuum and your testicle will be sucked into the bottle?

If you ever tried this, let me know how the reverse the process.

Need answers fast

Why are dogs afraid to go to space?

Because of the vacuum

Edit: Sorry if this joke is ruff

Double Edit: on the other hand, when I go to space I feel no pressure

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A vacuum cleaner salesman came to my door, poured a bag of dog shit on my carpet and said, "Sir, if this vacuum can't clean it completely, I'll eat whatever's left."

I said, "I hope you're hungry 'cause they cut off the electricity this morning."

I just want to say the Dyson Ball vacuum cleaner is tragically misnamed

and don't even get me started on the crevice tool.

A couple of religious guys knocked on my door trying to sell me vacuum cleaners

They were Jehoovers Witnesses

Vacuum Salesman

A new vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on the door of the First house on the street.

A tall lady answered the door.

Before she could speak, the enthusiastic salesman entered the living room, opened a big black plastic bag, and poured all the cow droppings onto the carpet.

"Madam,...

What is the best vacuum brand?

I don’t know they all suck.

I'm really frustrated with this faulty vacuum cleaner.

It would suck less if it sucked more.

I got Inside a vacuum chamber once.

It was breath taking.

The Vacuum Cleaner Salesman

A door to door vacuum salesman visits a house. When he proposes a deal the woman tells him to take a hike. Without giving her a second chance the man empties a bucket of cow dung onto to carpet and says "If the vacuum cleaner doesn't suck all of this up then I will eat the rest myself" The woman goe...

A well stole my vacuum cleaner recently...

I showed my friend a picture and he sent "well that sucks"

Used Vacuum cleaner for sale.

I don't need it anymore. All it does is collect dust.

Do you know what your momma and a vacuum cleaner have in common?

Turn them on and they'll suck.

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My wife fell on the vacuum cleaner the other day and had to go to hospital as it got stuck in her vagina

You’ll be glad to hear she’s not quite back on her feet, but she’s picking up well

My wife was frustrated “ this vacuum just doesn’t suck anymore” she said

“What happened? Did it get married?”

At one time, Lucas Electrics manufactured a vacuum cleaner.

It was the only product in their entire history that didn't suck.

the vacuum cleaner in my dorm is so bad..

i would say it sucks but it can’t even do that

Last night the Grim Reaper came for me, but I managed to beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.

Talk about Dyson with Death.

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I'm not surprised that my dog is scared of the vacuum cleaner...

I know exactly what a vacuum cleaner is for, but to my dog, it's just a screaming robot that keeps attacking his owner's dick.

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One day, a good-looking door-to-door seller knocks on the old lady's house and is offering the "world's best" vacuum cleaner...

He runs into the middle of the living room and bursts a cow dung on the floor.

"Madam", he says, "I swear to god, if I won't be able to clean the shit out of the carpet in 2 minutes, I will personally eat it".

The lady just smiles: "I hope you are hungry. The power is out since morni...

What's another name for a Pore vacuum?

A broom and a dustpan!

It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.

Either it sucks or it sucks!

I finally found out what they call the vacuum at the abortion clinic

Woomba

How do you fix a broken vacuum cleaner?

Put a Green Bay sticker on it, it'll suck again.

The vacuum extractor is a device used in some childbirths.

It sucks for the baby.

What did the father say when he was killing his kid with a vacuum?

Dyson.

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It's a little known fact that most vacuums are gay

They're always coming out of the closet

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The Human mouth is amazing. It can suck, blow, create a vacuum , is water tight....

And can create and infinite amount of shit!

A man walks into a vacuum cleaner store

After browsing around for a while, he asked to see the manager. When the manager came, he asked, "Is there something wrong?" And then the man replied with, "Oh something's wrong alright. Everything you sell sucks!"

The highlight of my week was my new vacuum cleaner.

Things are picking up.

There once was a boy named George Gunderson who did not do very well in school. His classmates ridiculed him every day, as did his teacher, Mrs. Jones. George couldn't stand it, and always came home crying to his parents.

One day, Mr. and Mrs. Gunderson decided to come to the school early to give Mrs. Jones a piece of her mind. The second the door opened to let the kids outside, Mr. and Mrs. Gunderson peeked inside to hear Mrs. Jones screaming at George. "George Gunderson, you are the dumbest kid in the world!"
...

Here’s the thing about vacuum cleaners

It doesn’t matter if you have the best or the worst, because at the end of the day they all suck.

I really like my new job in the vacuum industry

There's no pressure.

My jokes are like vacuum cleaners

They suck

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I got my testicles stuck in a vacuum cleaner.

Now we're both bagless.

I feel like my purchase of a vacuum cleaner was a waste of money

Ever since I bought all it's done is collected dust

How did the robot vacuum the house?

Roomba room.

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What's got 8 legs and sounds like a vacuum sucking up honey?

Greedy bastard at KFC.

Wife: The vacuum cleaner doesn’t suck the way it used to.

Husband: Neither does the dish washer.

Salesman: "Ma'am, this vacuum cleaner is so great it will cut all your work by half!"

Woman: "That's fantastic! Give me two."

You wanna hear a vacuum joke?

I would tell you but it really sucks

My vacuum stopped working

... Another one bites the dust

I tried buying a vacuum the other day

The sales associate told me they all suck

I don't know why they bother with all that science history stuff in class like "Nature abhors a vacuum".

Anyone who's ever had pets knew that already.

What sound does a vacuum sweeper make when it explodes?

KA-BROOM!

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A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida

He goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota ."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a ...

Everyone in Britain prefers brushes over vacuum cleaners when it comes to tidying their floors.

Sorry if that's a sweeping generalisation.

Despite space being a Vacuum

Mars is really Dusty

When shopping for a vacuum on amazon, never trust a 5 star review.

There is no such thing as a perfect vacuum.

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What is the difference between my wife and my vacuum?

The vacuum doesn't snore after sex.



April fools, I don't have a wife.

My girlfriend said, “Why have I never seen you mop or vacuum in my life?”

I said, “Floors are beneath me.”

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A salesman trying to sell vacuum cleaners knocks on the door and the mother answers

Before she can say two words, the salesman pushes past her and throws a bag of horse shit on the carpet. The mother is understandably furious.

\- What the HELL do you think you're doing?!

The salesman doesn't lose his composure, after all, he's confident in his product.

\- Ma'am...

A physicist, an engineer and a statistician are out hunting.

Suddenly, a deer appears 50 meters away.

The physicist does some basic ballistic calculations, assuming a vacuum, lifts the rifle, and the bullet lands 5 meters short.

The engineer adds fudge factor for air resistance, and lifts the rifle a bit higher, and the bullet lands 5 meters lon...

My wife wants a vacuum.

I think I'll give her some space.

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Did you know that, when you take your dick out and put it inside of vaccum cleaner hose and turn the vacuum on,

... they are kick you out of Target?

- Hello. I want to return the robot vacuum cleaner I bought from you a week ago. The agreement allows it?

\- Yes, just tell me what you didn't like, we will inform the manufacturer.

\- Everything is in order, I just no longer need a vacuum cleaner. After he sucked the cat three times, My cat learned to use a brush, rag, scoop, and report a full bin.

I bought a very cheap vacuum cleaner from a sale

What do you expect? It sucks.

Whats the last thing your father says before killing you with a vacuum cleaner?

Dyson

How to fix a broken vacuum.

If you ever come a cross a broken vacuum, put a toronto maple leaf hockey jersey on it.

It will start sucking right away.

Quick, you have ten minutes to create an absolute vacuum

no pressure

A Janitor sat staring at the vacuum after finishing using it and thought...

“How did I come to this?”

Why don't Buddhists vacuum in the corners of the monastery?

Because they have no attachments.

Dad, I hate my life. It's like a functioning vacuum cleaner.

Dad: I don't understand

It sucks.

Dad: well, there is always roomba improvement.

My friend got a job working at a vacuum cleaner factory.

He said the money is good but the job sucks.

Thank you. Thank you.

My 90yr old Grandfather got startled by my automatic vacuum, and smashed it.

KO Roomba

I noticed my vacuum is cleaning less of the house than before.

I think it has roomba-toid arthritis.

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