No matter what vacuum cleaner you buy

They all suck

What do you call an elephant who doesn't matter?

An irrelephant

It doesn't matter how much kindness and generosity you teach your Children..

German Kids Are always going to be Kinder

Italian Police are told to give tickets to anyone, no matter how important

One morning, the Pope comes out of the Vatican and decides he wants to go for a drive. The Pope calls for a limousine, but when it arrives he tells the driver to get in the back, he’s going for a ride.

As he blasts down the road in his limousine he speeds past two motorcycle officers. One of ...

I have some jokes about the states of matter.

But I don't think they're solid enough.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

No matter how many crayons you eat

If you paint with your poop it’s always going to come out looking like shit

No matter how much I love cake

I would never dessert you.

My doctor just told me, “If you don’t stop drinking and smoking pot, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat.”

It is the best day of my life.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This man walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks: "What's the matter?"...

"I found out my brother is gay"

The next day the same man goes to the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey. The bartenders asks: "You're back. What's wrong this time?"

"I found out that my son is gay."

The next day, the same man goes to the bar again and orders 20 shots of whiske...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wife: Does this dress make me look fat? Me: You promise not to get mad no matter what i say? Wife: Yes

Me: I fucked your sister

I keep a picture of my wife and kids at my work desk that way no matter how bad a work day gets

I'll always be reminded how much worse it is at home and keep me working late.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man in Melbourne walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter...

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage."

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "...and this gentleman kindly o...

It doesn’t matter if you’re white or black.

We are all pretty shady.

One problem with antibiotics is that no matter how popular it gets..

..It’s never going viral.

No matter how many times you go there...

You'll always be able to count the number of times you've visited Chernobyl on one hand

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife refuses to have sex with me until I stop referring to my penis by different nicknames

I guess it’s time to take Matters into my own hands

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's one thing that will always give you butterflies no matter what?

Caterpillars

Domestic violence is no laughing matter

For some people, they hit really close to home.

No matter what you guys say, I’m not unsubscribing from James Charles

That entails having to subscribe to him in the first place

It doesn't matter if you're black, white, old, young, tall, short or even if you're from another country. It's what's INSIDE that counts!

I love you refrigerator!

No matter where I eat, or what I order, they always cook me a sirloin.

I said to the apologetic waiter, "It's OK, everyone makes me steaks"

It doesn't matter whether you stand up or sit down to urinate...

...as long as your gender fluid is going into the toilet where it belongs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It doesnt really matter which girls wins 'The Bachelor'

He's still gay

What's the difference between the law of conservation of matter and the law of conservation of energy?

The law of conservation of energy matters less.

If I'm not a solid, a liquid, or a gas, does that mean...

...I don't matter?

It doesn't matter how many times you fall, it's how many times you get back up!

"That's not how field sobriety tests work." replied the police officer

You matter

Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light..

Then you energy

My mother used to say, "If it wouldn't matter after 5 years, don't worry about it."

Apparently, that's not a very good thing to say to someone recently diagnosed with cancer.

I asked my friend what kind of car audio system he preferred and he said it didn't matter because they were all the same...

...apparently he has a problem with stereotypes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend left me because she didn’t like that I had a name for my penis

I guess I’ll have to take Matters into my own hands

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A girl told me that my big personality is all that matters to her.

So I named it Penis.

I am unable to stop swearing no matter how much I try

It truly is a curse.

If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I’ve ever had...

Does money even matter?

I live in knowledge that no matter what I do, there is someone who will always remember me and follow me through my entire life.

The taxman.

A Russian meets his friend. He says, "Dima, my friend, you look so grim, what's the matter?"

"You see, Petya, every night my wife keeps having dreams where she's seeing Putin" says Dima.

"So?" says Petya.

Dima replies, "Yesterday I yelled at her and told her to stop seeing him."

"What happened next?" probes Petya.

And Dima replies, "Last night, I had a dream wher...

It doesn't matter how badly you want to, you just can't fight Destiny...

Because then you'd have to fight the bouncers and the other strippers too.

No matter how hard I try and buy supermarket conveyor belt dividers...

...the cashier keeps on putting them back.

A group of monks are responsible for hand-making new copies of the bible...

The entire monastery is devoted to the task, each day they all wake up and say their prayers before a humble breakfast and then they begin work. On the anniversary of creating his thousandth copy of the bible since he first joined the monastery two decades ago, brother Gray asks the abbot if he coul...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I marveled at my handiwork of my latest creation: a fence made entirely from fecal matter

It was a quality shitpost

Whats the word from which no matter how many letters you remove, it still remains the same?

Postman, ha gotcha

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Size Doesn't Matter

Why can't guys be like girls and just accept the size of things.

When it's a girl it's like:

"OMG your tits are Amazing"

when it's a guy:

"Yo, WTF bro you have tits"

What do you call a fart that doesn't matter?

A moot poot.

No matter what, there is one sure way to make me throw up...

by playing darts towards the ceiling.

What's Irish and stays outside your house all year no matter the weather?

Paddy O'Furniture.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

my wife says size doesn't matter

but i still wish she didn't have a penis.

'I just feel like being black is a huge disadvantage no matter how much skill you have ' said my friend

'oh come on, it's just one move at the start of the game' I responded as I took his Knight.

What does anti-matter do?

never mind, it doesn't matter.

No matter how much you push the envelope

It’s still stationary.

Position matters most

Three pregnant women are at a clinic having a chat about their future children.

The redhead says "i was on top so I'm having a girl!"

The brunette replies with "I was on the bottom so I'm going to have a boy"

The blonde hears this and begins to think about things then suddenly...

Helium excimers are no laughing matter...

Even if their formula is HeHe

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

No matter what sexual role play idea my wife decides on, I always have to play the same character.

The husband who is out of town.

Which dinosaur was the expert judge in matters of taste?

The Connoissaur

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day, a Mother Superior was attending to some matters just outside the main doors of her convent. She noticed that the Seven Dwarves had huddled some distance from her...

... and, as they argued amongst themselves, they kept throwing looks her way. After some time, one of them separated from the group to approach her. It was Doc.

“Good morning, Mother Sister. I mean Mother Superior. Really sorry to bother you, but could you help us settle an argument?”

...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Beauty is just a matter of timing: In 1970s America I would’ve been ridiculed for having a hairless chest. In ancient Greece I would’ve been laughed at for having a big penis.

Still waiting for that bald future all those fucking sci-fi movies promised me.

It doesn’t matter what color of skin you have

Whether it’s purple, black, orange, brown, or normal.

No matter what happens, I can't get angry.

I guess I'm terminally chill.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TIL size doesn't matter.

Chicks will always scream through their lungs no matter how big the cockroach in their rooms is.

Physicists are the only scientists that matter

But mathematicians are the only ones who count

Edit: First time on the front page of /r/Jokes!

Edit 2: #10!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just bought a new sex robot with artificial intelligence. But no matter what I did, I just couldn’t get her in the mood.

I just didn’t turn her on.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I sit here and realize I’m wiped from each side’s argument. It doesn’t even matter which way I roll; I still get shit. I refuse to push it any harder.

I really don’t care which way the toilet paper faces.

My dad, a vietnam veteran, told me that there's one thing that always sticks with kids and adults no matter how old they are.

Napalm

3 kids are in class Atom, Molecule and Matter. Atom turns to molecule and tells him a joke. Molecule laughs so hard and asks why don't you tell Matter the joke.

Atom: he wouldn't get it, he's too dense.

Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn't want to waste time on things that don't matter.

He runs Facebook.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just can't catch a break! No matter what job I get, I always end up dealing with stiffs!

First as a Porn Star, then as a Waiter, then finally in a Morgue. I just can't win!

I don't know what the big deal is about Black Friday. All Fridays matter.

.

What's big, grey, and doesn't really matter?

An irrelephant.

No matter how hard he tried, the duck just couldn’t stop

He was a quack addict.

A cowboy walks into a bar looking frustrated. The bartender asks, "What's the matter?"

The cowboy replies, "Well I've got these two horses and I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods."

The bartender suggests, "Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?"

The cowboy says, "That sounds like a goo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman pregnant with triplets walks into a bank.

Suddenly, armed men storm in and try to rob the bank. A shootout occurs and the woman is hit by bullets several times.

Shortly after, the woman is brought to the hospital and gets emergency surgery. The surgeon is able to remove all bullets except three due to endangerment to the triplets. ...

Why is Guardians of the Galaxy 3 ruined no matter what

You can't unfire a Gunn.

Doesn't matter how many CDs you have...

Benz has Mercedes.

No matter what one says about Putin

It's tough running two countries single handedly

A delicate corporate matter

All of the 10 Senior Members of the Board of Directors of the Company were called into the Chairman’s office one by one . . . until only Bob, the junior-most Member, was left sitting outside.

Finally it was his turn to be summoned . . .

He entered the Office to find the Chairman...

A friend of mine lost 200 pounds of excess fat and obsolete tissue in a matter of months.

Better still, he felt great about the divorce.

No matter how far you manage to throw a piece of paper

It is still stationery.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.