UPJOKE
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Matter Jokes

Boss: You're 4 hours late! What's the matter?

Employee: I fell from the 2nd floor this morning.

Boss: That's 20 feet tall! It shouldn't take you more than 5 seconds!
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No matter how kind you are...

No matter how kind you are, German kids are kinder.
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No matter what they say, you matter.

Unless you get multiplied by the speed of light squared. Then you Energy
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I don't know what the big deal is about Black Friday. All Fridays matter.

.
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What’s a large grey animal that doesn’t matter?

An irrelephant
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Putin thought that taking Kyiv was just a matter of painting letters on tanks.

It was easier Z than done.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man walks into a bar looking annoyed and sullen. "What's the matter, son?" asks an older patron.

The young man sighs.

"I have a girlfriend who's very nice and very pretty."

"So? What's the problem?"

"Actually, she's not just pretty. She's the most beautiful woman I've ever met in my life."

"That sounds great."

"Not only that, she also adores me and wants to b...

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Wife: Does this dress make me look fat? Me: You promise not to get mad no matter what i say? Wife: Yes

Me: I fucked your sister

What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?

Steve. Just because he's irrelephant doesn't mean we don't use his name.
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Dr. Mike had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Mike, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of your patients, and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just le...

My parents said that if I got a tattoo I'd have to get it in a place that didn't matter...

So I got it in Appleton, Wisconsin.
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My dad, a vietnam veteran, told me that there's one thing that always sticks with kids and adults no matter how old they are.

Napalm
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No matter how much you push the envelope.

It’ll still be stationery.
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No matter how famous a child actor gets

They're always going to be a minor celebrity.
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It doesn't matter if you're gay, straight or bisexual, at the end of the day ...

... it's night.

With the rise of self driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time...

Until there's a country song where the guy's truck leaves him.
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No matter who wins the presidential election, it will be historic.

We'll either have the first female president, the first Jewish president, the first Canadian president, or the last president.
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What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?

Irr-elephant

Hahahaha

What did the drummer name his twin daughters?

Anna-one, Anna-two.

Buhahahahaha.
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Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn't want to waste time on things that don't matter.

He runs Facebook.
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No matter how much I love cake…

Never gonna run around and desert you
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No matter where I go, I like to bring my ukulele, then, whenever someone asks if I play an instrument, I say...

“I play a little guitar!"
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I was taught to always follow my dreams no matter what.

So now I just need to rescue my boss’s wooden horse from the pool that’s filled with spaghetti before the Egyptian soccer team gets back from practice.
“Rachel from middle school? What are you doing here?”
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Why do all hot dogs look the same no matter where you see them?

They’re in bred
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A man in Melbourne walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter...

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage."

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "...and this gentleman kindly o...

There are five states of matter.

1. Solid
2. Liquid
3. Gas
4. Plasma
5. Black Lives
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"You matter"

-Caveman Carl Sagan
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Punctuation Matters!

I was walking past a farm and a sign said:

"Duck, Eggs"

I thought: That's an unnecessary comma - and then it hit me."
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A cowboy walks into a bar looking frustrated. The bartender asks, "What's the matter?"

The cowboy replies, "Well I've got these two horses and I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods."

The bartender suggests, "Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?"

The cowboy says, "That sounds like a goo...
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Size of matter in descending order.

Molecule > Atom > Proton > Quark > x on a mobile ad
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How many Black Lives Matters protesters does it take to change a light bulb?

Don't be silly, Black Lives Matters protesters can't change anything.
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Only vibrations mattered...

Spencer the Garbagehead had dropped some very powerful Owsley Purple, an hour or so ago.
It didn't matter exactly when.
Time was illusory.
Only vibrations mattered.
He was at one with the All.
His gaily painted Herse was just chugging onto the Golden Gate Bridge. 
The s...
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I named my penis "matters"

So when my girlfriend breaks up with me I can take matters into my own hands.

It doesn't matter how nice the soap smells..

Never let anyone see you walk out of the bathroom sniffing your fingers.
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It only takes 4 inches to please a woman

And it doesn’t matter if it’s credit or debit
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They say size doesn't matter

But imagine how many lives would be saved if putin had normal size dick.

A judge calls opposing council into his chambers . . .

. . . and says "Gentlemen, I've called you here to discuss a very serious matter. Both of you have given me bribes to influence my decision".

The lawyers begin to squirm in their seats.

"Mr. Morgenstern, you have given me $40,000 to rule in your favor, and Mr. Atkinson, you have given ...
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I'm not a discriminatory person, and I'll say it again : It doesn't matter for me if you're gay, bi, trans, black

or normal.

Physicists are the only scientists that matter

But mathematicians are the only ones who count

Edit: First time on the front page of /r/Jokes!

Edit 2: #10!
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No matter how much I torture him, Gollum won’t tell me where the Ring is.

Bad hobbits are really hard to break.
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It doesn't matter how much mascara I put on my penis...

I can't seem to make it thicker, fuller or longer lasting.

It doesn't matter how fast I'm going. What matters is that I'm moving forward in the right direction.

police officer: That's very inspiring, but you're still getting a ticket.
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A young girl.

A young girl, who was writing a paper for school, came to her father and asked...

"Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?"

The father replied, "It is mostly a matter of degree."

"Let me show you what I mean... "

With that, the father went to the tele...
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They had a Ginger Lives Matter protest today

There was not a soul.
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No matter what I do as a mountain climber, I’m always the best.

I just can’t stop peaking.
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No matter how bad your personal situation is - alcohol is never the answer

Alcohol is the question, and "yes" is the answer.
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Scientists have today discovered that dark matter actually does not exist.

The source of the unknown mass in the galaxy was never dark matter, but the result of a calculation mistake.

The scientists admit that they forgot to include your mother in the calculations, and therefor the last (approximately) 80% of the mass in the Milky Way has finally been discovered.
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Alright so hear me out, if the big bang was 13.8 billion years ago, and matter cannot be created nor destroyed, and all our bodies are made of matter, that mean we're all 13.8 billion years old...

so in conclusion yes officer she was old enough.
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You matter.

Sorry, meant to say you *are* matter. An exceedingly insignificant bit of it.
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My wife says that a small penis shouldn't matter in a loving relationship...

but I still wish she didn't have one.

How does a human make all three states of matter at once?

Diarrhea.
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Life is all a matter of perspective

For example, I know a guy who eats three square meals a day, reads two books a week, works out twice a day, has sex every week...and STILL he complains about being in prison!

Menstruation is NOT a laughing matter.

Period.
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No matter what this husband did in bed, his wife never achieved an orgasm.

Since by Jewish law a wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to consult their Rabbi.

The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes thefollowing suggestion: 'Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. T...

What's the difference between dark matter and Black Lives Matter?

Dark matter has the capacity to leave an impact on a system
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Family Matters

A husband and wife are on a long car trip and get into a big argument that eventually ends in an angry silence.

Some time later they pass a pig farm. The husband looks at the pigs and says, "Family of yours?"

The wife replies, "Yup, in-laws."
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No matter how much I study

I always get a B- on my blood test
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What’s the difference between a liquid and the matter baby?

What’s the matter baby?

Nothing honey
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Looks doesn´t really matter

* Girl: The reason why you´re still single is because your standards are too high. Looks doesn´t really matter, you know.
* Boy: Wow! You´re the first non-beautiful person that I´ve heard say that looks doesn´t matter..
* Girl: WHAT?! Are you calling ME ugly!!!
* Boy: Why so upset? You just...
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The All Lives Matter crowd is extremely upset.

To learn that All Votes Matter.
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“Listen Son, Always Wear a Condom No Matter What”

But dad You didn’t Wear one when you had me. “And look Where that got me”
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Proper capitalization DOES matter, my teacher used to say...

...because there is a huge difference between "Helping uncle Jack off a horse." and "helping uncle jack off a horse"

Punctuation matters!

Behold, the difference a single comma makes!

Phrase 1. Sans-comma - "Let's eat grandma."

Phrase 2. With comma - "Let's eat, grandma."

See the difference? : o )
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