This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man in Melbourne walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter...

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage."

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "...and this gentleman kindly o...

What’s a large grey animal that doesn’t matter?

An irrelephant

There are three states of matter

Doesn't matter

Matters a bit

Really matters a lot

My boyfriend claimed size doesn't matter.

But then the wallpaper he put up all fell off.

What do you call a pachyderm that doesn’t matter?

Irr-elephant.

It doesn't matter how kind you think your child is.

German children will always be kinder.

What remains stationary no matter how hard you push?

The envelope.

The big bang happened 13.8 trillion years ago and since matter can't be created and destroyed and since our body's are made of matter that means all our bodies are all 13.8 trilllion years old.

So in conclusion, no officer, that girl was not underage.

No matter where I go, I always bring my ukulele

So if anyone asks if I play an instrument, I tell them I play a little guitar.

No matter how much I love cake…

Never gonna run around and desert you

Doesn't matter if you are tall or short, fat or thin, black or white, at the end of the day...

It will be night time.

Don't think that colour doesn't matter. Brown, yellow and black must be eliminated so that only white remains. It's the only way to reach victory.

Said the snooker teacher.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It doesn’t matter if you’re gay, straight, or bisexual. At the end of the day,

It’s night

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife came up to me the other day and said "Do these jeans make me look fat?"

I said "Do you promise not to get mad at me no matter what I say?"

"Yes"

"Okay, I fucked your sister."

What do Canadians think matters?

Nunavut

No matter where you go, you will always find three things...

Food, music, and incompetent people who think they’re very good.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Angry I paid top dollar for a session with a sex therapist - only to be told I need to masturbate more.

I should have just taken matters into my own hands instead.

No matter who wins the election

Oklahoma will be OK

With the rise of self driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time...

Until there's a country song where the guy's truck leaves him.

The All Lives Matter crowd is extremely upset.

To learn that All Votes Matter.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.

The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, ...

What do you call a Subway manager who spends too much time helping make sandwiches up front and not enough time back in the office attending to business matters?

Counter productive.

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The only thing that matters about penis size is how it compares to your significant other's past lovers.

It's the theory of genital relativity.

Spelling matters!

I was waiting on a Zoom call to start, but client was having technical issues. The client texted and said, "please bare with me." Thought it was an odd request, but he's the client.

Eventually we got the video to work, but now I'm fired.

Reddit, no matter how much I love cake...

...I would never dessert you.

(Thanks Reddit for 4 years of fun facts, interesting stories, and new hobbies!)

Donkey Lives Matter

Two terrorists having discussion in a bar. The waiter asks them what the discussion was about? Terrorist :- We are planning to kill 14 thousand people and a donkey.. Waiter :- Why a donkey? Then one terrorist says to the other, "See I told you nobody will care about the 14 thousand people".

It does not matter how many times you fall down, what matters is how many times you get back up

Unfortunately the officer did not appreciate my grit during the roadside sobriety test.

A white scientist is studying a tribe in Africa

A white scientist is studying an African tribe.

One day, the tribe leaders wife has a white son.

The tribe leader approaches the scientist soon after.

"Well, we both know what happened here. No one else could have done it. You slept with my wife, I have to kill you." The tribe l...

Punctuation matters!

Behold, the difference a single comma makes!

Phrase 1. Sans-comma - "Let's eat grandma."

Phrase 2. With comma - "Let's eat, grandma."

See the difference? : o )

No matter what statistics partisan hacks use to back up their lies today, just remember that mathematics....

...is the true source of division.

No matter how big or small, you can make a difference.

It's called subtraction.

PS5 sold out in every store in a matter of hours.

Looks like toilet paper has some serious competition.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grandad told this one to his friend and I kinda overheard it and knew where it should belong

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into ...

Say what you want about carrot top, but fact of the matter is he’s out there making a living as a comedian

You gotta give him props for that

Does length matter? Short answer: no.

Long answer: yes.

They had a Ginger Lives Matter protest today

There was not a soul.

A young man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The young man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The fr...

After Oregon decriminalized the use of hard drugs, I wanted to do a playword on the matter...

But then I thought it was maybe too soon to crack jokes.

Ever since I was a little boy, I’ve learned that there are four types of matter. Solid, liquid, gas, and...

Black lives

I'm seeing a lot of stuff on social media about how 'Blue Lives Matter'.

I reckon if someone's turned blue, it's a bit late to be debating whether or not their life matters anyway.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For those of you that never heard an ending to Bender's joke from the movie The Breakfast Club.

A naked blonde walks into a bar with a poodle under one arm and a two foot salami under the other. She sets the poodle down on the bar and the bartender says "I suppose you won't be needing a drink." The blonde says "as a matter of fact, make it a double scotch on the rocks! I was just drying off af...

I hate to break it to you, but it doesn't matter if Epstein committed suicide. If those cases had ever gone to court -

- it would have been a hung jury.

Today would have been my 20th wedding anniversary, so I remembered this joke...

People gather for a 20th wedding anniversary at the couple's house, but husband is missing, as the party is about to start. Wife goes looking for her husband and finally finds him curled up and sobbing in a corner of the attic.

"What's the matter, dear? The guests are here, party is about to...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The FBI are looking to recruit an assassin...

The FBI had an opening for an assassin.
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; Two women and a man.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the women to a large metal door and handed her a gun.
'We must know that you will follow yo...

My parents said that if I got a tattoo I'd have to get it in a place that didn't matter...

So I got it in Appleton, Wisconsin.

Incest is no joking matter.

Every death in the family is worse because you lose multiple family members at once.

If a person who speaks three languages is trilingual, and a person who speaks two languages is bilingual, what do you call a person who only speaks one language?

It doesn't matter. Just make sure it's not the language they speak beforehand

I’m glad that no matter how bad things are getting..

The Republicans are staying positive!

It doesn't matter if some people wear their masks below their noses...

Because they're mouthbreathers.

Thin Mints are very inappropriately named.

No matter how many I eat, I never get thin.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Goodbye Grandpa

A father put his 3-year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God
bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'

The little girl said, "I don't kn...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man ask for absolution to a priest during conffession. The priest tells the man " is clear that you are too attached to money so as a penance give 20€ to the first person you meet outside of the church, it doesn't matter who he or she will be". So the man leaves the church and walks away

After a few minutes, finally, he sees someone, is a woman, from her appearance alone he understands that the she is a prostitute but he remember Father's words "it doesn't matter who he or she will be". So he approaches her and trys to give her the 20€. The woman is furious! "You think you can have ...

‘I just feel like being black is a huge disadvantage no matter how much skill you have ‘ said my friend.

‘oh come on, it’s just one move at the start of the game’ I responded as I took his Knight.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and a chicken walk into a small restaurant

A man and a chicken walk into a small restaurant, they sit down, and the waitress takes their order, the man says "I'll have a number 5 with a large coffee", and the chicken says "I will have that as well". When they finished their meal, the man walks up to the counter to pay, and he reaches into hi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

what is similar between sex, and fishing? It doesn’t matter how deep you go,

it matters how you wiggle the worm.

My girlfriend just broke up with me due to my linkin park obsession.

...But in the end, it doesn't even matter.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The coach grimaced as he watched his young ice hockey team. At one point during the game, he called one of his 7-year-old players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded affirmatively...

"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?"

The little boy nodded once more.

"So..." the coach continued. "I'm sure you know that when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-...

I reported to the police that some thieves had stolen my suitcase. The matter got taken to court. Long story short...

I lost the case.

Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?

A naked woman jumps into a taxi. The taxi driver stares at her, looking her over from top to bottom. The woman is offended and asks the taxi driver "What's the matter? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

The taxi driver responds: "Oh, it's not the fact that you're naked that bothe...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If size doesn't matter...

Then why is my wife's dildo not 3 inches long and crooked?

Why was the cheetah so bad at hide and seek ?

No matter where she hid, she was always spotted.

After getting punched for making a racist comment at our last family gathering, my uncle won't be attending the next one because

black eyes matter.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(Subject matter: Anything is a dildo if you’re brave enough) There once was a lady named Jill

Who tried a dynamite stick for a thrill
They found her vagina
In North Carolina
And bits of her tits in Brazil

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend left me because she didn’t like that i had a name for my penis..

I guess i will have to take Matters into my own hands.

Which font do the protesters use to paint BLACK LIVES MATTER onto the streets of New York City?

Times Square New Roman.

The only cow in a small town in USA stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from BC Canada for 1,000 dollars, or one from Alberta Canada for 800 dollars. Being poor, they bought the cow from Alberta. The cow was wonderful.

It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man gets home from work very disgruntled, his wife asks "What is the matter?" (Man) "I got fired from the factory today." (Wife) "Oh honey you poor thing, what did you do now?" (Man) "I stuck my dick in the pickle slicer." Wife *Looks down at his johnson* "What happened to the pickle slicer...?"

She was fired too.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man's car breaks down in Tibet..

A man's car breaks down in Tibet, and wouldn't you know it? His phone gets no service. So he walks up a long windy road to a huge monastery at the top of the hill. He knocks at the reinforced double doors and a Tibetan monk after some minutes finally opens.

"My car broke down. Do you...

I asked my chem teacher wether he knew the formula for nitrous oxide

Unfortunately he said no

EDIT:

for the people complaining about how i messed up the formula name, its a joke, it doesnt matter

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rabbit needed a ladder to get on the roof of its house. He knew the bear had a ladder, so

he decided to go borrow a ladder. The trouble was, the bear wasn't always the nicest animal in the forest. *"Doesn't matter,"* the rabbit said to himself, *"I'll head on over and if it doesn't work out, at least I tried!"* With that, he started walking to the bear's house, which was quite a bit away...

Left wing or Right wing, it doesn't really matter.

If either is harmed the plane will crash.

Lebron James is like Justin Timberlake.

No matter how good he his, he will never be Michael.

An Irishman walks into a bar and orders 3 beers

The bartender doesn’t say anything and gives him his three beers,the man drinks all three and leaves

This goes on for a couple weeks and eventually the bartender gets curious enough to ask.

He says “Why do always buy three beers at once ?”

The man says to the bartender “ Back in...

[META] r/Jokes keeps me going

I'm sorry if this is not allowed here but I had to share. I have a bunch of health issues, severe anxiety, and depression. I've on multiple occasions felt like giving up. Sometimes, no matter how much support you have it is difficult to keep going. That's where you guys come in. I read your jokes al...

All lives matter

Because we have mass and take up space

No matter where you go in the world...

There will always be a women there who has made £9750 a month working from home

Size does matter.

I was getting head from this chick for the first time but she kept talking. It was ruining my the whole experience.

Was trying to find the right words to make her stop talking.

What came out was “ it’s not polite to talk with your mouth full.”

She replied “well, it’s not....f...

Apparently, scientists proved the existence of dark matter

Does that mean

Black Matter Lives?

What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?

Steve. Just because he's irrelephant doesn't mean we don't use his name.

The resemblance was uncanny!

A newlywed man was in the garage working on his motorcycle. His new wife came out of the house and watched him work for a few minutes before saying, “Now that we are married, you should probably sell that motorcycle.”

The man’s face went pale and he looked as if he might throw up.

“Ar...

Whenever I fart, I let people know that that's my thoughts on the matter.

I'm just giving them my two scents.

So I held a race between my farmhands. They ran equally fast, and demanded I determine the winner.

However, they both threatened to leave the farm if I declared the other the winner. I felt unable to make a decision. As a matter of fact, my hands were tied.

~~it's dumb but at least it's original~~

It only takes 4 inches to please a woman

And it doesn’t matter if it’s credit or debit

I organized a "Fat Lives Matter" march. We all got very tired...

I can't breathe.

Are you RACIST?

Why, yes, I am R.A.C.I.S.T:

Respect my friend's different beliefs

Adore the little quirks in their traditions

Care for my friends, no matter their skin color

Inform myself on what taboos I should never break

Smile when they speak their native tongues

The Fre...

A protestor wearing a Black Lives Matter t-shirt walks into a bar

The bartender asks what will you have. The protestor replies only “ice”. The bartender looks at him with a very confused look and says “sorry did you say you only wanted ice?” The protester says that’s right - just ice.

Friends, it happened yesterday! And this is CONCERNING!

Friends, it happened yesterday! And this is concerning!

A friend had his 2nd injection of the vaccine at the vaccination center and began to have blurred vision the whole way home.

When he got home, he called the vaccination center for advice and to ask if he should go see a doctor or...

If you truly believe that "Colour Doesn't Matter"

try arguing with your wife when choosing wallpaper.

No matter what you think of the celebrities commenting on how we handle the current crisis, you should ALWAYS listen to music producers.

They give sound advice.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Welcome to the Psychiatric Care Hotline ...

"Welcome to the Psychiatric Care Hotline.

If you have Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are Co-Dependent, have someone press 2 for you, now.

If you have Multiple-Personality-Disorder, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you have Short-Term Memory Loss, press ...

Which matter is denser than a black hole?

The grey matter inside lockdown protesters.

Black life matter cuz..

they occupy space and have weight

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

the lioness was sitting next to her husband lion

when out of nowhere the hayena came and starts throwing insults at the lion :
"you son of a bitch you motherfucker u are one weak ass king you are so stupid... etc".
the lion doesn't move an inch and keeps his cool but the lioness is so furious :
"are you not gonna do anything " .
but th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A group of scientists was doing an experiment involving the bacteria in feces. They asked for donations of fecal matter from the public...

...but nobody gave a crap

A wealthy billionaire dies, and his final wish is to be buried with his money.

So, at the funeral reception, the widow is speaking with guests when the matter of the billionaire's last wish comes up. The widow confirms that she honored her late husband's request.

A friend says to the widow, "You really buried him with billions of dollars?!", and the widow replies, "O...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking

Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.<...

Blue lives matter

There’s only 100 smurfs, their an endangered species.

As a firefighter, I know there is one thing that we always save no matter how bad the fire.

The foundation

I don’t feel like I matter now, but I think I will eventually

I’m just really energetic right now

I asked my friend how nihilism is pronounced.

Neelishm or nylisim.

He said “it doesn’t matter.”

To the people that say all lives matter, I disagree.

There are people out there that still yell at their servers.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Queen's breasts

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.


Sid, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death, should he try to touch them, but he had to try.


One day Sid revealed his secret desire to ...

Black lives matter held a rally in Houston, but no one knew what they were trying to say.

The Astros stole all their signs.

I asked my photographer friend which pose was the best for selfies...

...he said, "It doesn't really matter. Just take your pic."

Little Johnny is taking a shower

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest!?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.

Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father t...

The secret to success

There are all sorts of tips for a successful life but I have found the one guaranteed to bring you success and wealth.

To truly be successful it is important to only work half days.

And the best part of it? What makes this such a great plan? It’s that it doesn’t matter which 12 hours y...

No matter how improbable, there's a parallel universe with anything you can think of. Even one where the Irish invented rap.

It's how the universe achieves Homie O'Stasis

Life's Philosophy

The great man told his followers, 'There are 2 things in life that matters above all else - Integrity, if you'd made a promise, you carry it out, even if it bankrupts you, cripples you or kills you. The other thing is common sense, like not making that promise'.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's Career Week in the parochial school...

(OK, real old one but=)

It's Career Week in the parochial school. One day, when all the parents who've come to explain their jobs have done their presentations and gone, Sister Mary Domino has some time to kill, so she has the children stand up, one at a time, and say what THEY want to be wh...

I'd tell you a science joke...

But I know it wouldn't get a reaction. It doesn't really matter, all the good science jokes argon.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

America wants to repay its soldiers after the Afghanistan war.

After the Afghanistan war was over, America decided that every soldier can choose a certain part of their body to be measured, and they will get as many thousands of dollars as the lenght of that body part.


First soldier wants to be paid his hight. He will be measured from the tip of his ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tom and Yuu's love story

Tom Wake and Yuu Watanabe met in Japan while Tom was on a business trip. Ironically, Tom didn't want to take the job, but he was the only one fluent in Japanese, so he reluctantly went on the trip. Usually, deals like these took place over video conferences, but the company's client insisted on meet...

Stormtroopers and dogs are a lot alike

No matter where you're at, they always miss you.

How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?

It doesn’t matter. How did that joke make you feel?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

No matter how hard you work out, (nsfw)...

...your ballsack still looks like an old mans elbow.

So A Plane Got Filled With Anti-Maskers...

The airline decided to let them all take the flight, but decided to bar all the people who wore masks. The anti-maskers all died from asphyxiation during the turbulence because they refused to wear the oxygen masks that dropped down, thinking their freedom mattered more than safety. Make sure you ad...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.