What do you call an elephant who doesn't matter?

An irrelephant

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

This man walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks: "What's the matter?"...

"I found out my brother is gay"

The next day the same man goes to the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey. The bartenders asks: "You're back. What's wrong this time?"

"I found out that my son is gay."

The next day, the same man goes to the bar again and orders 20 shots of whiske...

No matter how kind you are,

German children are always Kinder

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A man in Melbourne walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter...

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage."

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "...and this gentleman kindly o...

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My wife refuses to have sex with me until I stop referring to my penis by different nicknames

I guess it’s time to take Matters into my own hands

What's the difference between the law of conservation of matter and the law of conservation of energy?

The law of conservation of energy matters less.

It doesn't matter whether you stand up or sit down to urinate...

...as long as your gender fluid is going into the toilet where it belongs.

You matter.

Unless you multiply yourself by the square of speed of light.

Then you energy.

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Wife: Does this dress make me look fat? Me: You promise not to get mad no matter what i say? Wife: Yes

Me: I fucked your sister

It doesn't matter if you're black, white, old, young, tall, short or even if you're from another country. It's what's INSIDE that counts!

I love you refrigerator!

If I'm not a solid, a liquid, or a gas, does that mean...

...I don't matter?

I live in knowledge that no matter what I do, there is someone who will always remember me and follow me through my entire life.

The taxman.

My mother used to say, "If it wouldn't matter after 5 years, don't worry about it."

Apparently, that's not a very good thing to say to someone recently diagnosed with cancer.

It doesn't matter how many times you fall, it's how many times you get back up!

"That's not how field sobriety tests work." replied the police officer

I asked my friend what kind of car audio system he preferred and he said it didn't matter because they were all the same...

...apparently he has a problem with stereotypes.

A Russian meets his friend. He says, "Dima, my friend, you look so grim, what's the matter?"

"You see, Petya, every night my wife keeps having dreams where she's seeing Putin" says Dima.

"So?" says Petya.

Dima replies, "Yesterday I yelled at her and told her to stop seeing him."

"What happened next?" probes Petya.

And Dima replies, "Last night, I had a dream wher...

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My girl named my dick "Matters"

because she always wants to take matters into her own hands..

I am unable to stop swearing no matter how much I try

It truly is a curse.

It doesn't matter how badly you want to, you just can't fight Destiny...

Because then you'd have to fight the bouncers and the other strippers too.

If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I’ve ever had...

Does money even matter?

Whats the word from which no matter how many letters you remove, it still remains the same?

Postman, ha gotcha

No matter how hard I try and buy supermarket conveyor belt dividers...

...the cashier keeps on putting them back.

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My girlfriend left me because she didn’t like that I had a name for my penis

I guess I’ll have to take Matters into my own hands

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I marveled at my handiwork of my latest creation: a fence made entirely from fecal matter

It was a quality shitpost

What do you call a fart that doesn't matter?

A moot poot.

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Size Doesn't Matter

Why can't guys be like girls and just accept the size of things.

When it's a girl it's like:

"OMG your tits are Amazing"

when it's a guy:

"Yo, WTF bro you have tits"

No matter what, there is one sure way to make me throw up...

by playing darts towards the ceiling.

Position matters most

Three pregnant women are at a clinic having a chat about their future children.

The redhead says "i was on top so I'm having a girl!"

The brunette replies with "I was on the bottom so I'm going to have a boy"

The blonde hears this and begins to think about things then suddenly...

Helium excimers are no laughing matter...

Even if their formula is HeHe

A group of monks are responsible for hand-making new copies of the bible...

The entire monastery is devoted to the task, each day they all wake up and say their prayers before a humble breakfast and then they begin work. On the anniversary of creating his thousandth copy of the bible since he first joined the monastery two decades ago, brother Gray asks the abbot if he coul...

What does anti-matter do?

never mind, it doesn't matter.

No matter how much you push the envelope...

It’s stationary.

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my wife says size doesn't matter

but i still wish she didn't have a penis.

What's Irish and stays outside your house all year no matter the weather?

Paddy O'Furniture.

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TIL size doesn't matter.

Chicks will always scream through their lungs no matter how big the cockroach in their rooms is.

Which dinosaur was the expert judge in matters of taste?

The Connoissaur

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Beauty is just a matter of timing: In 1970s America I would’ve been ridiculed for having a hairless chest. In ancient Greece I would’ve been laughed at for having a big penis.

Still waiting for that bald future all those fucking sci-fi movies promised me.

No matter what happens, I can't get angry.

I guess I'm terminally chill.

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I sit here and realize I’m wiped from each side’s argument. It doesn’t even matter which way I roll; I still get shit. I refuse to push it any harder.

I really don’t care which way the toilet paper faces.

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One day, a Mother Superior was attending to some matters just outside the main doors of her convent. She noticed that the Seven Dwarves had huddled some distance from her...

... and, as they argued amongst themselves, they kept throwing looks her way. After some time, one of them separated from the group to approach her. It was Doc.

“Good morning, Mother Sister. I mean Mother Superior. Really sorry to bother you, but could you help us settle an argument?”

...

'I just feel like being black is a huge disadvantage no matter how much skill you have ' said my friend

'oh come on, it's just one move at the start of the game' I responded as I took his Knight.

It doesn’t matter what color of skin you have

Whether it’s purple, black, orange, brown, or normal.

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No matter what sexual role play idea my wife decides on, I always have to play the same character.

The husband who is out of town.

My dad, a vietnam veteran, told me that there's one thing that always sticks with kids and adults no matter how old they are.

Napalm

It doesn't matter what you post.

It is all about how you paste it.

3 kids are in class Atom, Molecule and Matter. Atom turns to molecule and tells him a joke. Molecule laughs so hard and asks why don't you tell Matter the joke.

Atom: he wouldn't get it, he's too dense.

Physicists are the only scientists that matter

But mathematicians are the only ones who count

Edit: First time on the front page of /r/Jokes!

Edit 2: #10!

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I just can't catch a break! No matter what job I get, I always end up dealing with stiffs!

First as a Porn Star, then as a Waiter, then finally in a Morgue. I just can't win!

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Just bought a new sex robot with artificial intelligence. But no matter what I did, I just couldn’t get her in the mood.

I just didn’t turn her on.

What's big, grey, and doesn't really matter?

An irrelephant.

A delicate corporate matter

All of the 10 Senior Members of the Board of Directors of the Company were called into the Chairman’s office one by one . . . until only Bob, the junior-most Member, was left sitting outside.

Finally it was his turn to be summoned . . .

He entered the Office to find the Chairman...

Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn't want to waste time on things that don't matter.

He runs Facebook.

No matter what one says about Putin

It's tough running two countries single handedly

A cowboy walks into a bar looking frustrated. The bartender asks, "What's the matter?"

The cowboy replies, "Well I've got these two horses and I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods."

The bartender suggests, "Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?"

The cowboy says, "That sounds like a goo...

Doesn't matter how many CDs you have...

Benz has Mercedes.

Who handles financial matters in a monastery?

That's nun of your business

A friend of mine lost 200 pounds of excess fat and obsolete tissue in a matter of months.

Better still, he felt great about the divorce.

No matter how far you manage to throw a piece of paper

It is still stationery.

I don't know what the big deal is about Black Friday. All Fridays matter.

.

I have a bunch of canned meat in my pantry. No matter how many I was pulling out, more were appearing in its place.

...I got Spammed.

I come from a family of scientists who share the surname 'Matter.' We all get along, just like the particles we study.

Except for my Auntie Matter.

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No matter what they tell you, ear sex simply isn't a good idea

That's how you end up with hearing aids

If a white lie is a harmless lie that doesn't really matter

Then does that mean that black lies matter?

A man goes to a lawyer to ask about a legal matter

And first asks about his pricing. "What is your fee?" He asks. "$1000 per three questions," he responds. "Isn't that a little steep?" the man asks. The lawyer replies, "Yeah I guess.., what's your third question?"

There are three elephants. One is called mouth elephant and the second is eye elephant. Does it matter what the third is called?

Nah, it's ear elephant