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My next door neighbour is an inconsiderate asshole. He knocked on my door at 3AM last night!! 3AM!!

Lucky for him I was still up playing my drums.

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A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot

One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest
in all the activity going on next door and spend much of each day
observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems...

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The young couple next door to me recently made a sex tape

I mean they do not know it yet.

My next door neighbour just knocked on my door with her dinner in her hands.

With Facebook and Instagram down she wanted me to see what she was having

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I’ve just discovered that the kids next door stole my credit card to pay for their Mom’s boob job

Just wait till I get my hands on them!

My next door neighbour is really loud and obnoxious

So now I know how Canada feels.

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So I asked the vet "what can I do here I think my dog is racist, he keeps barking at the Asian man next door?"...

The vet said "Muzzle him?"

I said "I don't know, but he does have a beard"

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My parents got mad at me for sleeping with the autistic girl next door.

I didn’t really want to, but they told me my first time should be with someone special.

Fucking hypocrites

Just as mom walks though the door, little Johnny comes running over. He says ''Mommy, Mommy. I was playing in daddy's closet and he came in with the lady next door and they started kissing and then they took off each others clothes and laid down on the bed...'" The mother interrupts him.

''Stop right there!! Wait 'till daddy comes home!!'' When the father finally returns from work, mother promptly goes up to him and says ''I'm leaving you.''
The father, bewildered, slowly asks ''Why!?! What did I do??''
The mother turns to Johnny and says, ''Tell daddy exactly what you told me...

My next door neighbor is a 90 year old man suffering from Alzheimer’s

Every morning at 9 AM he knocks on my door and asks me if I’ve seen his wife.

Which means every morning at 9 AM I have to explain to a 90 year old man suffering from Alzheimer’s that his wife has been dead for several years.

I could move. I could just not answer the door. But it’s wo...

When a young woman moves in next door to a married couple

A young woman moves next to a married couple.
One day, the wife looks out of the window and sees the woman hanging her laundry to dry and it's dirty.
She says to her husband "Why is her laundry so dirty? Does she not know how to do laundry properly? Maybe she has bad laundry detergent?"
The...

I’m upset that my doppelgänger moved in next door.

I’m beside myself about it.

A girl tells her mom she’s dating the guy next door

The mom’s like “you can’t date him he could be your dad”

And the daughter is like “so there’s an age difference who cares”

“I think you misunderstood me”

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My wife is really mad at our next door neighbour, because she is always sunbathing nude in her backyard.

Personally I’m on the fence.

A Blonde and her girlfriend are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours. The Blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this." She goes downstairs then comes back up to bed and her girlfriend says.

"The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?"The Blonde says, "I put the dog in our backyard. Let's see how the neighbors like all the barking!"

A woman who lived next door to a preacher was puzzled by his personality change.At home he was shy, quiet and retiring, but in the church he was a real fire orator, rousing the masses in the name of God. It was as if he were two different people.

One day she asked him about the dramatic transformation that came over him when he preached.

“Ah,” he said, “That’s my altar ego.”

Jay Leno went to Morgan Freeman’s house and had a lot of drinks. Leno suddenly started to urinate on Freeman’s carpet. Freeman was furious and ran after him as he kept on urinating. The banker next door saw the whole thing and decided to start a bank...

Kids, that is the true story of how Jay-pee-Morgan-chase was named

A young man tells his father he's going to ask out the girl next door.

A young man tells his father he's going to ask out the girl next door. His father looks grave and says "You can't. I've never told anyone this, but you need to know ... many years ago I had an affair with her mother, and, well..." Horrified, the young man runs out of the room where his mother as...

What do you call Bojack Horseman when he moves in next door?

Your neighbor.

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A man named Ted moved into an apartment building and was invited to have dinner by the old lady next door.

He arrives and is introduced to her beloved cat Sadie and then they sit down to eat.

A few minutes into the meal Ted starts feeling rather gassy. He holds it as long as he can but finally lets out a teeny fart.

Before he can apologize the old lady yells out "Sadie!" and tells her cat t...

Dropped off a small meal to the lady next door with questionable morals. Let’s be kind to our neighbors, y’all.

Just a little food for thot.

Me next door neighbour and I became good friends, so we decided to share our water supply.

We got a long well.

Someone stole my newspaper this morning, so I quickly sneaked next door and took my neighbours.

Now that I've calmed down, I think kidnap may have been excessive.

The Mexican guy next door was fired and kicked out of the house in the same day

You should've seen hispanic

Mr. and Mrs. Keaton notice the young man staying next door always kisses his girlfriend every morning before heading to work.

"Why don't you do that?" Mrs.Keaton asks her husband.

"Darling, I don't even know the woman."

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The beautiful woman next door came around complaining about items going missing from her washing line and threatened to call the police...

I nearly crapped her pants!

My next door neighbor is Bulimic and she was making so much noise last night, that I banged on the wall and shouted...

"For goodness sake, keep it down!"

When house hunting I look for a place where the people next door are successful at selling stolen items

Good fences make for good neighbors

I spotted my ex at the bar next door

It was ex-siting

In college, I used to live on a houseboat, and started dating the girl next door.

Eventually we drifted apart.

During lockdown my next door neighbours 4 year old started learning Spanish.

He still can’t say ‘Please’ though, which is poor for four.

The son comes home crying and tells his mother "the lady next door hit me!". So the mother goes over and asks why she hit her and the lady replies "your son called me fat!". To which the mother replies...

"...and you think you'll lose weight by hitting him?"

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My next door neighbour knocked my door last night, wearing lingerie and stockings. Asked to borrow a cup of sugar and if I wanted to come over for a night cap

I said, 'Fuck off Dave, I've got work in the bloody morning' .

The kid next door challenged me to a water fight

Thought I’d post it here while the water boils.

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While having sex with my wife, the next door neighbour knocked on our front door.

You couldn't believe my surprise when I opened it.

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Apparently I'm going to hell because I infected the Donkey next door.

They said I must not COVID my neighbor's ass.

" hey dad, I wanna date the girl next door what do you think?" Said the son, "no you can't!, don't tell this to your mom but, that girl is your sister" replied the father

Son: "What about the girl across the street".
Dad:"unfortunately son, that is also your sister".
Son: "how about the girl that works in the bakery down street".
Dad: " I'm really sorry son but, she's also your sister".

So the son gets frustrated and, goes to his mom to complain about...

The kids next door challenged me to water fight in the front yard.

I'm just posting real quick while I wait for it to boil.

My next door neighbor's 9 year old came over and had to tell me this joke I don't know what was funnier.Her trying to tell me that joke without laughing or the joke itself.

There was a herd of cows on this big hill. A big gust of wind came by and blew all the smaller cows away. So the rancher went up to one of the bulls that were still standing and asks,"How come you bulls are still standing?"

The bull replies,"Cuz we bulls wobble but we don't fall down."

A woman is amazed by pastor who lives next door and how quickly he changes his personality.

Around the neighborhood, he is incredibly shy, quiet, and timid. As soon as he begins to preach, he becomes loud, boisterous, and is able to entertain the congregation with his sermons.



“I’m not sure how you go from one personality to the next,” the woman tells the pastor over coffee....

My next door neighbour hasn't done an honest day's work in her entire life.

She's a politician.

I gave the woman next door the coronavirus.

Her husband's fuming.

And I feel morally guilty.

It goes against everything I was taught.

Thou shalt not COVID thy neighbour's wife.

I got a text from my next-door neighbor today.

I got a text from my next-door neighbor today.

It read:

Hi, Fred, this is Richard, next door. I’ve got a confession to make. I’ve been riddled with guilt for a few months, and I have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face.

At least I’m telling you in this te...

"Pull the blind when you're having a shower," I told the woman who lived next door.

She must've heard me through the window because she shouted back.

But I still couldn't see her through the blind.

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NSFW I'm pretty sure James Bond was having sex in the hotel room next door last night!!!

All I kept hearing was his lover's voice screaming "***Roger Moore***"

Joe and Bob are sitting outside a cafe enjoying a couple cigars when a young boy walks out of the ice cream parlour right next door.

Joe says "see that kid over there, dumbest kid I ever met, watch this...." and he calls the kid over.

Joe puts 50 cents in one of his hands, and a dollar bill in the other and holds them both out to the boy. Joe says "which do you want, 50 cents, or a dollar?" The boy quickly snatches up the ...

Three farm boys were looking for a wife, when a girl moved in next door....

She had hair like sunshine, a smile like a new morning, and was beautiful and perfect in every way - except for one flaw. She had one leg substantially shorter than the other, and she walked kind of tilted over because of it. The first boy came to call, and asked her to marry him. She said "If you c...

My next door neighbor banged on my door at 3:00 am last night.

Fortunately, I was wide awake, playing my bagpipes on the back porch at the time.

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A little boy lived next door to a fire station...

He would watch in awe as the fire trucks left the station with sirens blazing. The kid decided he was going to become a fireman. So he grabbed his radio flyer and stuck a makeshift ladder on it. Then he found a piece of old garden hose. He was well on his way. He remembered his plastic fireman's ha...

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My dog disgraced himself by escaping and bringing home next doors rabbit.

It was very dead and covered in dirt but I couldn't see any wound so I thought I might just be able to get away without confessing. So I quickly washed and blow dried the deceased bunny, snuck round the fence and popped bun back in its hutch, all snuggled up looking in its straw so it looked just l...

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I had a problem with my computer yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.

Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."


I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fi...

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The old man who lives next door to me is still mad at the Japanese for Pearl Harbor.

I had to tell him that it was the Americans who made the movie.

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The girl next door is known as the neighborhood bicycle, so I asked her to have sex with me.

But she was two tired.

The husband of the woman next door died.

The husband of the woman next door died. After the funeral, the widow shut herself inside the house for most of the day. The only time the widow would leave her home was at the crack of dawn, where she would stand outside and wail loudly in her yard until noon, before quickly retreating into her hom...

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The German Shepherd from next door keeps shitting on my lawn

This morning he even brought his dog!

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My next door neighbor was murdered.

Police found her facedown in a bath tub filled with milk. She had a spoon stuck in her ass.

They think it was a cereal killer.

My next door neighbour keeps saying he's actually a big cat in a human suit.

To be honest I think he might be lion.

My next door neighbour has just bought an Audi, a Toyota and 2 BMW's.

I think he's got car owner virus.

A woman is talking to her next door neighbour and she says I'm worried about my 16 year old son...

I looked in his school bag and found a gimp mask, nipple clamps and a whip. What should I do.
And the neighbour replyed I'm no expert but I wouldn't spank him.

I gave my daughter a watch for Christmas. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"

She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"

I called the cops and asked them why there were so many police cars in front of the brothel next door.

"Sir, we can't tell you about our police operations. Those are confidential."

"Oh my bad, I just wondered whether it was mother's day..."

I offered the old lady next door a box of biscuits for a go on her stairlift.

I think she's going to take me up on it

My next door neighbors are fortune tellers. They told me to turn down my television.

I told them I would find a “happy medium.”

The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.

But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.

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My friend Billy had a ten foot willy, he showed it to the girl next door.

She thought it was a snake and hit it with a rake,

And now it's only 4 ft 4.

My next door neighbour says I'm a bit of a looker.

Well, 'Peeping Tom' were the actual words she used.

Just moved next door to a guy who sells stolen goods on the black market.

You know what they say; *Good fences make good neighbors*

I was meeting a friend at a smoke shop and accidentally went into the dry cleaners next door...

Clothes, but no cigar.

The barber next door just got arrested for selling drugs I was a customer for years it blew my mind

I had no idea he was a barber

Did you hear about the dry cleaner that opened next door to the convent?

He knocked on the door and asked the mother superior if she had any dirty habits

A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist.

The  religious man prayed every single day and night, spending much time at  church, while the atheist never even thought of such acts.
However, the atheist's had a good life. An excellent, well-paid job, and a beautiful wife, lovely, healthy, children, whereas the religious  man's job was stres...

Couple next door.

One evening a wife drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said," Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? . He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?"."
I would love to". replied the husband,"but I don't know her well enough".

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I just told my next door neighbour we are moving out next week and she said “Great, that means you can stop stealing my undies off my clothes line”!

I nearly shit her pants when she said it.

Grandma, I heard a vegan moved next door to you

Has it affected your life anyhow?

- Well, just to be clear, I want to let you know that I'm a grandma. But no, I don't think it has affected me. By the way, did I tell you I'm a grandma

Growing up my mom was always like, "Why can't you be more like the kids next door!"

And I always responded, "But we live next to an abortion clinic?!"

A few years ago, I used to live next door to both Dwayne Johnson and the pop group that sang ‘Take On Me’.

I was stuck between a Rock and A-ha’s place.

What do Horses Call People That Live Next Door to Them?

Their NEIGHbors!!!

A weddit modewator wecently moved in next door to us. Wewanted to like him but he's a wacist and a pwick. Wecouldn't stand him any longer. Here's what wedid.

[Wemoved]

I first didn't buy it when the girl next door told me there were acid attacks in our neighborhood.

Then I saw her face, ...

The lady next door came by and said,"Tom."

So I said,"yes"
She said,"I want you to take off my dress"
I said,"ok"
"Then I want you to take off my bra,"she continued.
"Yeah!"
"Then I want you to take off my panties and high heels"
"O.k."
"AND GIVE THEM BACK TO ME ME YOU PERVERTED,USELESS,THIEF!!!"

Son told his dad he loves the girl next door

"Son, you can't love her. She's my secret daughter with another wife."

"But dad, what about the other girl next next door?"

"Sorry, son. She's also my secret daughter with the other wife."

Son walks away with tears in his eyes after knowing the truth. Mom heard it all and approa...

A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST DEALS...

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES.

The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea.

He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop.

It read… MAIN ENTRANCE.

I told my wife, “Did you know that our next door neighbor had half his intestines removed?”

Her: Really? Is he in a coma?

Me: No. A semi colon.

Hi Alan – It’s John from next door. I need to talk to you about

something I am very ashamed of and know you will probably be quite angry about. The last 3 months we have been sharing your wife. Not every day, but at least 3 times a week and my girlfriend found out yesterday and is making me tell you. I didn’t want to tell you face to face so decide to message yo...

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They say every 2 out of 3 people live next door to a pedophile

Not me, I live next to 2 smoking hot 8 year olds

Yesterday the lady next door received a buzz from the front door. When she opened the door there was a man there. With a saddened look the man says "Lady, I'm terribly sorry, I just ran over your cat." Without hesitation the man tells the lady that he would like to replace the cat.

The lady looks up at the man and replies "Thats all right with me, but how are you at catching mice?"

My older, attractive next door neighbor had a seizure on her front yard today.

The MILF shakes brought paramedics to the yard.

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I often hear people having sex in the apartment next door, but my wife never believes me.

It always happens when she steps out for a minute.

What does the 3 year old kid next door & myself have in common?

We both want his mommy

An East Indian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, has swam with sharks, has wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was...

Bindair Dundat

The worst thing about living next door to MC Hammer is the constant DIY noise.

I shouted 'Stop!' but if anything that made it worse.

(Gary Delaney)

I'm pretty sure my next door neighbor thinks I'm a stalker.

She wrote it on Facebook,Twitter, and in both of her diaries.

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An older woman heard someone digging in the backyard of the house next door.

She leaned over the fence and saw her neighbor's little girl digging a hole.

"Hi Nancy" she said "what's the hole for?"

Nancy sobbed and said "My goldfish died and I'm burying it."

The woman said, "Ha-ha, silly girl, that hole's way too big for a goldfish."

The little ...

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A family of gingerbread people lives next door to me. I hate their kids.

The crummy little bastards...

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Not saying we were poor, but many a time, my mother would send me next door with a button...

...and ask our neighbor if she would sew a shirt on it.

A wife went to the police station with her next door neighbor to report that her husband was missing.

The policeman asked for a description. She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."

The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is ...

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There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other.

The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast. One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman...

I think the kids next door stepped through my newly poured sidewalk

Don't have any concrete evidence though.

What do you call trash talking the person next doors and immediately act friendly around them?

Trump.

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