UPJOKE
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Soon Jokes

Too soon for COVID jokes?

COVID is like fashion…

We started hearing about it in Italy…

Became popular in LA and NYC…

Florida ignored it…

And it was all made in China in the end.

My wife is turning 32 soon...

I’ve told her not to get her hopes up for her birthday. “After all,” I said, “The celebrations are only going to last half a minute.”

“What are you talking about?” she asked.

I said, “It’s your thirty-second birthday.”

Got my girlfriend a "get better soon" card

She isn't sick, I just think she can get better

Soon after the General retired..., he decided he must do something different...

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank...!

*He soon found himself on an island with no flagstaff, no batmen, no ADC, no club, no canteen, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.*

After about four months,...

Q : With Britain leaving EU soon, how much space will be freed up?

A: 1 GB

Netflix is soon releasing an extremely realistic documentary series about the life of Abraham Lincoln.

The finale is shot before a live audience.

Guys, abortion may be illegal soon. If you accidentally get a girl pregnant, make sure she’s an anti-vaxxer.

Instead of paying for 18 years of child support, you’ll only have to pay for 3.

As soon as he clicked on the title...

...he realized that someone was narrating him while he was browsing reddit.
He chuckled and left an upvote, ready to read some more reposted jokes.

Soon, the only way to abort a kid in the US...

... will be to wait for him to go to school and get gunned down.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"

He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."

Pretty soon the only place you will be able to buy a Confederate flag will be the black market.

Oh the irony.

I loaned my girlfriend $100 sometime soon after we met. After 3 years, when I broke up with her, she returned exactly $100.

I guess I just lost interest in that relationship.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer buys a young cock. As soon as he gets home it fucks all of his 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunch, the cock again screws all 150 hens.

Next day it's fucking the ducks and the geese too

Sadly, later in the day the farmer finds the cock lying on the ground half-dead and vultures circling over its head. Farmer yells , "You deserve it, you horny bastard!"

The cock slowly opens one eye, looks up at the sky and whispers , ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his:

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out. "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said. "Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him and sh...

Is it ok for me to start drinking as soon as the kids are at school?

Or does that make me a bad teacher?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lawyer parks his sportscar on the side of a busy road. As soon as he opens the door to get out, BOOOM, an eighteen wheeler takes the driver side door clean off.

The lawyer gets out, sees the damage and immediately starts cursing the world "ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!!! I JUST PAID THEIS BITCH OFF!!! TOP OF THE LINE EVERYTHING, AND NOW IT IS RUINED!!!!! WHY GOD, WHY ME!?!?!?!" As he continues on his tirade, a bike cop pulls up, and says the the lawyer, "you ...

A scientist recently said that the “perfect earthquake” was going to strike the West Coast soon.

The evidence to support his claim was shaky at best.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Getting a vasectomy soon.....

I'm saving this joke to tell my wife when I get home from the consult because she's been on me to lose weight a lot lately.


Great news, babe. The dick doc said I can jerk off WHENEVER I want.
His exact words were "You could have a stroke at any time" but I know what he meant.

My girlfriend just told me, “If we don’t get married soon, I’m going to kill you!”

I said, “I guess..it’s a matter of wife or death.”

The lion decided to invite everyone to his birthday party. But, him being the king, he ordered everybody to bring him meat as a present, or else he will hit them with his massive dong. And soon, the day came and all the animals lined up infront of the lion's cave with their presents.

The Wolf wanted to gift the King lamb, the fox had a chicken, the leopard an antilope, and so on...The lion greeted all of his guests and welcomed them to the party. Suddenly, the rabbit stood infront of him with a carrot. All guests went silent. The lion looked him in the eyes and said: " You know...

Coming Your Way Soon!

An old guy is driving home from work when his wife rings him on his cellphone. "Honey", she says in a worried voice, "Be careful. There was a bit on the news just now, some lunatic is driving the wrong way down the freeway."

"It's worse than that," he replies, "there are hundreds of them!"

My landlord told me that he would like to have a chat with me soon...

about the house's sky high heating bills this winter.

I told him: "Sure thing, whenever you want. My door is always open".

If any of you on this sub are thinking of getting married soon, consider this carefully before you do.

On the one hand, you get to wear a really cool ring.

On the other hand, you don’t.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really..?" the photographer asked. "Well, good....

"Hope to see you soon"

isn't always what you want to hear from your doctor

My son is starting school soon and thinks the other children will bully him because of his name...

I said, "Don't be silly, Someoneyourownsize, why would anyone pick on you?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I told my wife if we didn't have sex soon...

I'd take matters into my own hand.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I came as soon as I got your message

Turns out I'm terrible at sexting.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Young Elizabeth is soon about to be crowned Queen of England. However, there is still one important thing missing: a husband. Her family and court advisors are getting increasingly worried.

Every single day court advisors approach Elizabeth and ask:

"Ma'am, have you already decided on a husband?"

To which the young future queen always answers:

"No. Why do I need a husband? I'm modern, I'm independent, and I'm about to be the Queen of England! A man would surely onl...

Inspired by Obama, Trump will soon be releasing his favorite books of 2022

along with the crayons that go with them.

Trump is going to make soon a major announcement

Meet us again at Four Seasons Total Landscaping parking lot

Doctor: "You'll be at peace soon!"

Me : "Am I dying?"

Doctor: "No!! Your wife is."

Too soon

What is making a joke about Alex Tribek's cancer diagnosis?

Pete, the serial flasher was thinking of retiring soon...

But hes decided to stick it out for another year...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A soon-to-be bride asks her fiancé

"Honey what exactly is a penis?"
"That baby, you'll see the night after our wedding."
Then comes their wedding night and the new husband and wife go to their hotel room. The husband takes his pants off and proudly shows his organ to his wife.
"That honey, is what we call a penis." ...

Why do Horses stand up and stretch their legs as soon as they are born?

Because they’ve been running out of womb.

No joke will ever be too soon for Joan Rivers thread.

Joan Rivers died doing what she loved to do best. Surgery.

George Bush started cracking a 9/11 joke, but one of his advisors whispered, “Too soon.”

It was September 10th.

Will be opening up a Christian gym soon.

Can't decide what to call it, Jehovah's Fitness, or CrossFit.

A young woman was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback soon came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the
horse and they rode off.

The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would shout out a wild "Ye-e-e-e-e-ha-a-a-" so loud that it echoed off the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local servic...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For years, my wife and I had sex as soon as we woke up. Sadly, she passed away.

Now I wake up every day with mourning wood.

I received a lovely card saying "get better soon"

Which I found confusing, because I haven't been sick. Should I tell my manager she's made a mistake?

"Ladies and gentlemen, we will begin our descent soon," the Scottish pilot announced, as he took a hit and passed the joint to his copilot.

The copilot shook his head. "Look, I'm not gonna rat you out to air traffic control," he said. "But please, *please* stop asking me to call you 'The Highlander."

An old man asks his wife: "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know

An old man asks his wife: "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"


Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you.. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these...

The next fast and furious film comes out soon.

Fast 10: Your seat belts.

Too soon?

Why do muslims extremists drink instant coffee?

Because they hate the french press

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Japanese tourist had been learning English conversation. However, as soon as he landed at an American airport, he collapsed. A doctor rushed to the scene and lifted the Japanese man up. "How are you?"

The Japanese answered in a hoarse voice.
"I'm fine thank you, and you?

I really need to plant some herbs of my own as soon as possible.

I'm living on borrowed thyme.

I hate it when people at church always tell me Jesus Christ will return soon…

Like dude, calm down, he was nailed to a cross, not a boomerang!

It's way too soon for Kobe jokes.

They never land well.

A too-soon Kobe joke

Q: What does Kobe now have in common with his helicopter?

A: They both have torn rotators.

(Let the downvotes begin)

I heard that NASA is going to send cows into space soon.

The steaks have never been higher.

As soon as Don Cappelli and his thugs entered Mario’s restaurant

...all of the guests immediately stopped what they were doing and quietly left. Don Cappelli’s face was very well-known around the city, and while he was ‘saving’ business after business from going bankrupt and helping families at their time of need, nobody dared ask where his money came from, nor d...

What type of hair will Putin soon have on his head?

Crosshair

There's going to be a big, new multi-building back pain treatment center here soon.

A Thoracic Park, if you will.
I'll see myself out now.

Shipping out soon!

A young woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier crying.

He took pity on her and said, "Look, you'v...

Apple is introducing robot dogs to the market soon. They're testing one in Mexico right now.

It's called the iChihuahua.

I absolutely hate donating blood. As soon as you walk through the door you get bombarded with questions.

I absolutely hate when they ask
“Where did you get it?”
“Why is it in a bucket?”

My book is coming out soon

But don't worry, it's my fault, I shouldn't have eaten it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Soon after 9/11, an Arab leaves behind a suitcase at a train station

Standing nearby is a blond-haired blue-eyed white man who immediately notices this. He walks up to the suitcase and the zipper's not completely closed, so he takes a peek inside.

He sees electronic gizmos, what looks like a timer, and a huge pile of cash. He grabs the suitcase and chases down...

Soon...

A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known lover’s spot, famous for all obscene activities. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.
The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazin...

Guys biggest fear.... Too soon.

Girls biggest fear.... Late.

A medieval astrologer prophesied to a king that his favorite mistress would soon die.

Sure enough, the woman died a short time later. The king was outraged at the astrologer, certain that his prophecy had brought about the woman's death. He summoned the astrologer and gave him this command: "Prophet, tell me when you will die!"The astrologer realized that the king was planning to kil...

Why do Americans rarely tell jokes about mass shootings?

Because it’s always too soon.



^(i feel bad)

Soon Canada will take over the world

Then you'll all be sorry

To all the people who stand up as soon as the plane has landed...

You must suffer from premature evacuation.

The Capitol rioters could soon become angels

If only Trump manages to persuade them to storm the Pentagon next

My friend said she couldn't afford to pay her huge water bill

So I sent her a "get well soon" card.

Why did the Egyptian go swimming as soon as his mom passed away?

De Nile is the first stage of grief

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Indian and two Pakistanis sat on a Plane.

An Indian got a seat between two Pakistanis on a plane. Relaxing, he took his shoes off.

Soon enough, he got hungry.

"Hey, I'm going to get myself a snack. You guys want anything?" He asked the Pakistanis.

The man to his right said he would like a Coke.

"Of course." s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer goes out and buys a new, young rooster. As soon as he brings him home, the young rooster rushes and screws all 150 of the farmers hens. The farmer is impressed.

At lunchtime, the young rooster again screws all 150 hens. The farmer is not just impressed anymore,he is worried. Next morning,not only is the rooster screwing the hens but he is screwing the turkeys,ducks even the cow. Later farmer looks out into the barnyard and finds the rooster stretched out, l...

Soon we have to hunt so we can eat

... and I don't know where lasagnas live.

There's a new chainsaw coming out soon.

I hear that it's cutting edge technology.

With climate change coming, economists predict that Canada will soon be the most powerful country in the world.

And then you all will be sorry.

Good thing Chris rock didn’t make fun of hilaria baldwin.

Too soon?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Russian communist is lying on his deathbed

His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says,

"Dimitri, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me."

"Oh, no worries buddy," says Dimitri.

The Commu...

A couple is having a baby soon.

The husband says, "Let's name him Pete!", after hearing the results show that it's a boy.

But the wife says, "Honey, I'm having twins."

"Well then the second one is called RePete."

If you accidentally drop ice cubes on the floor, just gently kick them under the refrigerator.

Soon it’ll be just water under the fridge.

Husband won't be back soon

Some days ago, I came to know a girl on the Internet. Beautiful...

After some chat, I felt that we had connected at a deeper level.

Yesterday, she asked me to visit her house and said, "My husband is on a business trip, and I'm alone at home."

I was very cautious and asked, "Wi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was fucking my wife last night ( NSFW )

I was fucking my wife last night when she looked back and said ,"i'm feeling kinky tonight , turn off the light and stick it in my arse".

As soon as i did , she screamed

Maybe next time i should let the bulb cool down first

Why did the cat stop moving as soon as it stood up?

Because it was on paws.

What’s an old joke told too soon?

We really are going to be talking about the hindsight of 2020 for the rest of our lives.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop! Hop! Hop! When he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed! Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest!"

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed.

The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run! Run! Run! Hop! Hop! Hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep.

This sheep is about to shoot up ...

How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?

As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It’s my half cake day soon so I thought I would post a joke.

A older Marine just came back from deployment and went to the local brothel to get some. He lays his money down and asks for the best girl they have. The madam tells him to go into the room and get undressed and he does.

A few minutes later a very vivacious blonde walks in and introduces her...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bob was excited about his new .338 rifle and decided to try bear hunting.

He traveled
up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Soon after there was a tap on
his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.


The black bear said, “That was a very bad mistake. That bear is my cousin, I’m going to give you two choices. Either I mau...

It’s too soon for coronavirus jokes.

They’re tasteless. And smell-less.

People say Steve Jobs died too soon.

But I think its a fitting metaphor for his company's attitude to battery life.

Is this too soon

Every Christmas Santa seems to skip Indonesia, he just gives them a big wave

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Coming Soon:

A story of premature ejaculation.

A new guy starts work at a bakery.

He's handed his rota and his eyes lighten up: "Great, it's dinner-roll day!". The supervisor is puzzled to see such enthusiasm for so mundane a task as baking dinner rolls, but sure enough, the new guy goes to it with zest and panache and is soon turning out dinner rolls the like of which the superv...

I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes.

The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.

I told my friend with mesothelioma to get well soon.

He told me he was trying asbestos he could.

I bet a lot of money that scientists will be able to perfect human cloning soon.

If not, I won’t be able to live with myself.

Microsoft is releasing a a reverse Outlook soon

So we should all be on Lookout

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