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My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"

He winked at me and said: “I’m off duty in 10 minutes - meet me in the car park.”

I loaned my girlfriend $100 sometime soon after we met. After 3 years, when I broke up with her, she returned exactly $100.

I guess I just lost interest in that relationship.

"Ladies and gentlemen, we will begin our descent soon," the Scottish pilot announced, as he took a hit and passed the joint to his copilot.

The copilot shakes his head. "Look, I'm not gonna rat you out to air traffic control," he says. "But please, *please* stop asking me to call you 'The Highlander.'"

My book is coming out soon

But don't worry, it's my fault, I shouldn't have eaten it.

It's way too soon for Kobe jokes.

They never land well.

Soon Finland will recommend to keep 1 m distance from each other

it will be really awkward to stand so close to people.

Microsoft is releasing a a reverse Outlook soon

So we should all be on Lookout

Soon Canada will take over the world

Then you'll all be sorry

The Zoo is considering shutting down the aquatic section soon due to the animals there not being popular anymore.

They haven't made a dolfinitive decision yet. It would be bad for business, all the customers would flip out. The porpoise of this is to save money, but it hasn't clicked to them yet that they'd just LOSE money.

A too-soon Kobe joke

Q: What does Kobe now have in common with his helicopter?

A: They both have torn rotators.

(Let the downvotes begin)

Is anyone trying to go to Jonestown anytime soon?

I hear that the mixed drinks are to die for!

I gave my wife a get better soon hallmark card

She's not sick, I hate her and she can do better

Some people were swordfighting with long pieces of bread. Then, pretty soon, everyone was swordfighting with long pieces of bread

because violence baguettes violence.

The lion decided to invite everyone to his birthday party. But, him being the king, he ordered everybody to bring him meat as a present, or else he will hit them with his massive dong. And soon, the day came and all the animals lined up infront of the lion's cave with their presents.

The Wolf wanted to gift the King lamb, the fox had a chicken, the leopard an antilope, and so on...The lion greeted all of his guests and welcomed them to the party. Suddenly, the rabbit stood infront of him with a carrot. All guests went silent. The lion looked him in the eyes and said: " You know...

Shipping out soon!

A young woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier crying.

He took pity on her and said, "Look, you'v...

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Soon after 9/11, an Arab leaves behind a suitcase at a train station

Standing nearby is a blond-haired blue-eyed white man who immediately notices this. He walks up to the suitcase and the zipper's not completely closed, so he takes a peek inside.

He sees electronic gizmos, what looks like a timer, and a huge pile of cash. He grabs the suitcase and chases down...

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One day a farmer buys a cock and brings it home, as soon as he lets the rooster go it screws all 150 hen and impresses the farmer.

One day a farmer buys a cock and brings it home, as soon as he lets the cock go it screws all 150 hens and impresses the farmer,
the next day the cock screws all the ducks and geese too. On the third day the farmer sees the cock laying on the ground passed out with the vultures circling overhead...

People say that Steve Jobs died too soon.

But I think his death was a fitting metaphor for apples attitude to battery life.

I met a guy who thinks he was mixed up with his twin soon after birth.

I asked him, "What makes you think that, Joanna?"

Google Pixel phones will soon come with its own proprietary mobile hot spot service that is currentlyin Alpha.

Much like their other services, Gmail and Gmaps, It is called Gspot, but phones are having a difficult time finding it.

My wife is turning 32 soon.

I told her not to get her hopes up for her birthday.

"After all", I said,
"The celebrations are only going to last half a minute".

"What are you talking about?" She asked.

"It's your thirty second birthday".

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I took my son to see Santa today for the first time, but as soon as he sat on his knee, he started crying. "What's wrong?" I asked.

"It's this job man, I fucking hate it."

A man took his 6-year-old daughter to his office on, "Take your child to work day" and as they walked around the office, the girl turned visibly upset and soon started crying…

Her father asked her what was wrong.

As everyone gathered around, she sobbed, "Daddy, I'm getting bored walking around the office. Please show me those clowns you said you work with."

Soon, the only way to abort a kid in the US...

... will be to wait for him to go to school and get gunned down.

One day, Albert Einstein was on his way to a science convention for a speech.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:

"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could giv...

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6 life lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

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A little kid enters the room and catches his dad masturbating

He lets a little scream out and look at his father, dumbfounded.

"Don't be shocked, son. Everybody does this. Soon, you will do it too."

"But... Why, daddy?"




"Because my hands are starting to ache"

Doctor: you'll soon be at peace

Man: am I dying?

Doctor: no, your wife is

Two men are stranded on a deserted island. One despairs, but the other one claps him assuredly on the back and says, “Don’t worry, they will definitely find us, and soon.” “Really? Why do you think so?”

“I owe the IRS five years’ worth of taxes.”

Q : With Britain leaving EU soon, how much space will be freed up?

A: 1 GB

I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home.

She smiled at me and said yes. The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.

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A man with no arms and legs was sun baking on the beach.

A gorgeous blonde was walking past him, stopped for a second with a tang of pity in her eyes.

“Have you ever had a hug?” She asked.
“No.”
So with an “aww”, she gave him a big hug.

Two minutes later, another beautiful woman was walking past the man.

“Aw look at you honey. ...

A young woman was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback soon came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the
horse and they rode off.

The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would shout out a wild "Ye-e-e-e-e-ha-a-a-" so loud that it echoed off the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local servic...

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A mother was in the kitchen listening to her five year old playing with his new train set in the lounge.

She heard the train stop and her son saying "All of You bastards who want off, get off now 'cos we're in a hurry! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get on now 'cos we're going down the tracks"

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this...

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What else could he say??

A young couple decided to take their 5 year old son to see the circus. After several amazing acts, the ringmaster led six bull elephants into the center ring, linked trunk to tail in the usual manner.

"What's that big thing hanging off the elephant, Mommy?" Little Johnny asked.

"That...

An old woman was sitting next to her fire one day when suddenly a spark jumped out and turned into a fairy.

The fairy told the old woman she could have three wishes.

The old woman thinks for a while and then asks for the following:

1) she wants 10 million dollars

2) she wants to be 18 years old again

3) she wants her faithful tomcat, Tiger, to be turned into a healthy 19 year o...

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Two statues (one nude male, one nude female) sit beside each other at the entrance of Central Park…

One day, very early in the morning, an angel comes down from heaven. He looks the statues up and down, and with a flick of his wrist, \*POOF!\* he turns the statues into real people.

The man and woman stare at each other in amazement, but their attention soon turns to the angel, who's quite s...

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A young guy from West Virginia moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in West Virginia ." Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and
figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you d...

So God creates Adam...

...and soon after he notices that Adam is lonely.

God says "Do not fear, my child. For I will create a partner to accompany you and man from this time forth. She will be known, as a woman."

God continues "She will be obedient, loyal, passionate and nurturing."

Adam hesitates..<...

It’s okay for me to use gorilla glue but as soon as I start using horse glue everyone gets all angry

Aren’t gorillas like, super endangered? WTF

With Britain leaving the EU soon, how much space will be freed up?

1 GB

A few minutes before the church service started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the back entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was i...

A fourth grade biology teacher is asking a series of questions to her students

Eventually she asks "What part of the body can grow ten times its normal size when stimulated?"

As soon as she asks that, a girl at the back of the class stands up and yells "EWW, THAT'S SO GROSS. HOW DARE YOU ASK THIS TO SMALL CHILDREN? I'M GOING TO TELL MY MOTHER ALL ABOUT THIS", then storm...

I bought a dog off a blacksmith today....

As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.



Thanks for the silver.

Brave Knight Edward is going to crusade

He doesn't know if he will ever come back or not. So, he puts on an iron chastity belt on his wife, gives the key to his best friend Micheal and says,

"If I don't come back in 3 years, set her free". Michael agrees and brave Knight Edward sets out on his big black horse. He gallops toward th...

A couple is having a baby soon.

The husband says, "Let's name him Pete!", after hearing the results show that it's a boy.

But the wife says, "Honey, I'm having twins."

"Well then the second one is called RePete."

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A pregnant woman walks into a bank...

While in the bank a group of robbers come in and demanded everyone to hit the ground and the tellers empty the tills. When the lady couldn't get down fast enough one of the robbers panicked and shot her three times in her belly and caused her to collapse. When she woke up hours later she found the r...

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A farmer goes out and buys a new, young rooster. As soon as he brings him home, the young rooster rushes and screws all 150 of the farmers hens. The farmer is impressed.

At lunchtime, the young rooster again screws all 150 hens. The farmer is not just impressed anymore,he is worried. Next morning,not only is the rooster screwing the hens but he is screwing the turkeys,ducks even the cow. Later farmer looks out into the barnyard and finds the rooster stretched out, l...

There’s been a surge of tourists embarking on the soon to be banned Uluru climb.

I blame the climb it change.

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What did one saggy boob say to the other?

If we don’t get some support soon, people will think we’re nuts.

Halloween must be soon...

Because everyone is ghosting me...

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An Englishman and an Irishman go out drinking one night....

The Englishman says to the Irishman, " listen paddy I wish I could stay out drinking with you but I'm skint."

Padd
y says, "aye George, I just spent my last few quid too.... but I've got an idea: go up and order two more drinks and a sausage and mash and tell them to put it on a tab." ...

Scientists have discovered a plant so deadly that even standing under it will soon kill you

It's known as the water lily.

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A guy was trafficking drugs hiding them in his testicles

The airport security dog started barking at the guy.
The cops grew suspicious. So they took him to he interrogation room and stripped him off his clothes.

The officer started checking this guy. As soon as he touched his testicles he felt he was onto something.

So he tried to break h...

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A man is driving when he notices a new bar has opened up

He decides he could use a drink, so he walks in and takes a seat at the bar. He is greeted by the bartender who promptly asks him what he would like to drink. “I’ll take a... I’ll do a Crown and 7-Up,” the man says. The bartender nods his head in acknowledgement, does a quick search under the counte...

A man as soon as he gets to his home

He says to his wife:

-Honey, we've got a problem...

Before he continues his wife says:

-Sweety, we've got to work together in any trouble we encounter in life, if you have a problem WE got a problem. Ok now that I made myself clear what were you saying?.

-Our secretary is...

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The head Nun....

The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes.

So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door." So they do this, and begin painting their room.

Soon they hea...

some people get offended by the coronavirus jokes

but, i don’t worry...they’ll all get it soon.

A young Programmer and his Project Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita.

They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother. After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young programmer are interested in each other, because they are giving each other looks. Soon the train passes into a tunnel and...

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One day, Putin called up Trump asking for a favor...

"We have a problem. All of Russia's condom manufacturers have gone bankrupt, and soon we will have a shortage," said Putin.

"That sounds pretty bad. How can we help?" Trump asked.

"We need you to send us American condoms."

"Of course, we can cut you a deal."

"Another thin...

Cheating For the Right Reasons

An old couple was having dinner one night when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Theresa, soon we’ll have been married for 50 years, and there's something I have to ask you. In those 50 years, have you ever cheated on me?"

Theresa replied, "David, I ...

After retiring to a small village in the country, a mathematician soon becomes restless...

One day his wife suggests he pursue his hobby for electronics repair and open a shop. On the first day of business, he places a sign out front that reads “Electronics repair — No Apple products!” His wife inquires: “Why shut out some of your best business? iPhones, iPads, iPods, and iMacs, and some ...

If I had a dollar for every woman that didn’t find me attractive.....

Soon they would find me attractive.

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A woman was angry because...

Her husband was coming home late again, so she leave a note saying “I’ve had enough and have left you. Don’t bother coming after me.” Then she hides underneath the bed so she can watch his reaction.

Soon the husband comes home. She hears him in the kitchen before the comes into the bedroom....

Two dogs walked into a bar....

As soon as the bartender saw them he said "Sorry, we don't serve dogs here".

The dogs replied with "I should hope you don't, this isn't China!"

An old king was about to pass away

He called his three sons before his sickbed. He gave each of them some coins and asked them to buy something to fill the room, whoever can fill the room the best will be declared his successor.

The eldest prince went to the market and bought a cart of straws. Despite his best effort, he only ...

A man and a woman meet in the elevator of a high rise office building.

The woman asks for the 10th floor and tells the man she is going to donate blood. She says that she’s able to donate once a month and that she earns $10 each time.

The man laughs and says that he’s going to the 20th floor to donate his sperm. He tells her that he is able to donate every day ...

The Jones didn't have any children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jones kissed his wife and said, "I'm off, honey. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell with the hopes of making a sale.

"Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to....."

"Oh, there's no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Jones cut in.

"You have?" the photographer asked....

Why do Americans rarely tell jokes about mass shootings?

Because it’s always too soon.



^(i feel bad)

C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them.

After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished, and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. So D comes in and heads for the bathr...

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A boy asks the Church Priest "What are you doing Father?"

"It's called masturbating. You'll be doing this soon", replies the priest.

"Why Father?"

"Because my wrist is killing me."

The screenwriters for UP were flying to get a view of what it would be like for the characters on screen. They had a fair idea, and they stopped writing. As soon as they did, the wind took them off course and higher than ever.

They got caught in an UP draft.

Jose a man who forces their pet to be vegan wakes up to go to a job interview

Jose gets things together to leave and drives down to the comedy club.

Jose: “Hi, I’m here for an interview.”

Manager: “Sure just go up on the stage and we’ll be with you soon.”

Jose looks confused but walks up on the stage. The manager starts to whisper something to everyone a...

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I asked my Scottish friend how many sexual partners he's had.

He started counting but soon fell asleep.

A man and his wife go into the delivery room to give birth. The doctor says, “we have this new machine, where by the flip of a switch, the father can bear some of the pain to ease the mother. Want to try?” The every supportive husband says “sure.”

So, the doctor sets it to 10% and asks the husband how he feels.

“Fine. You can turn it up.”

Surprised, the doctor goes to 20%.

“More. This is easy”

Soon enough, the doctor goes to 30%, then 40, 50, 60, all the way to 100%. “I’ve never gone past the 25% mark” says the d...

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A farmer wakes up to discover that his precious Alpine goat had died overnight.

Since he loved that goat very deeply, he decided to jump into the river by his house and commit suicide. Soon after, his wife woke up, and discovered his note. She too, followed in his steps and jumped into the river.

Their younger son woke up to find both of his parents dead, and seeing no ...

A kid talks to his dad about coronavirus

Kid: "Dad, why is coronavirus infecting so many people?"

Dad: *explains the biology of a virus and how it affects the immune system*

Kid: "Dad, I don't get it..."

Dad: "Don't worry son, you'll get it soon enough."

A rabbi woke up one morning and couldn't find his bike.

After looking everywhere for it, he concluded that one of his parishioners stole it. He goes to the priest and explains his problem.
The priest says, "Why don't you gather all your men at your synagogue and read The Ten Commandments aloud. As soon as you get to "Thou shalt not steal" look everyb...

The Scotsman

An older Scotsman is standing on the sidewalk while visiting Edinburgh.
Soon enough two young Lassies approach him and say, "Good Scotsman, is it true what they say about what a Scotchman doesn't wear beneath his kilt?
"Well have a look" replied the Scotsman.
So she leans over and slo...

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Why do men check out women's rear?

Historically, men at sea were trapped and killed by Mermaids who attracted them using their upper body beauty. Soon, the word was spread among all the sailors/pirates and subsequently to the whole world to check out women's rear to save yourself from murderous mermaids.

Thank you for coming t...

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An old Russian Communist is on his deathbed.

His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says,

"Vasya, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me."

"Oh, no worries buddy." says Vasya.

The Communist then ...

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A special talking koala was making his way from Australia to New York.

He wandered down a back alley one day and saw a sexy lady in heels and a short skirt smoking a cigarette.

She was shocked when he asked her for one of her cigarettes. "Omg you can talk?"

After talking she invited him inside and before she knew it he was up her skirt and performed cunni...

An overweight guy is watching TV.

A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it.

Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, "If you can catch me...

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A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop, hop, hop, when he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed. Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest."

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed. The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run, run, run. Hop, hop, hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep. This sheep is about to shoot up heroin. The ra...

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John gets pulled over on the highway for speeding

The cop walks up to John's car and says, "Are you aware you were going 80 in a 55 zone?"

John: "I'm sorry officer, I don't have the license to this car because I shouldn't even be driving it. I jacked it from the guy I just killed. The gun I used to kill him is right here in the glove box and...

What's a pirates least favorite letter?

Dear AT&T Customer...

We are sending you this letter to notify you that your IP address has been flagged for illegally downloading movies. We will have to suspend your account, pending further investigation.

We will be contacting you again soon, thanks for your cooperation.
...

My son is starting school soon and thinks the other children will pick on him because of his name...

I said, "Don't be silly, Someoneyourownsize! Why would anyone pick on you?!"

A man saw a sign on a farm: Talking dog for sale

He asks the farmer where the dog is.

Out back.

The man goes up to the dog, in his doghouse and says, hey what's your story?

The dog speaks: Well, as soon as I found out I could talk I wanted to be of service to my country. So I went to the CIA. They placed me as a spy in f...

A policeman sends his wife and kid to a resort for a vacation. ....

A policeman sends his wife and kid to a resort for a vacation. After a week he joined them in the hotel. As soon as he came to the hotel room he wanted to make love to his wife and gave her "the look".
Whispering under her breath, the wife says, "No darling, we can't do it here, our kid is watc...

my girlfriend has been quarantined because of the coronavirus.

i'm really worried, she's stuck at her ex's house and sent a voicemail of her moaning in pain. hopefully god is good to her and she can come home soon.

Two ladies had been friends for decades. Every day they sat together on a bench in the park and chatted.

One day, one lady told the other, "This is terribly embarrassing, but I hope you understand. You know how it is to be old. I keep forgetting things. I have to tell you, my dear friend, that I simply can't remember your name. Could you please tell me your name again?"

The other lady looked at ...

Anxiety is like breast.

It grows as soon as puberty hits you.

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Three men walking through a desert

Three English men were walking through a desert. They were tired and thirsty but most of all hungry.

Soon, they came across a nomad with about two camels, one alive and one very much dead.

The nomad said "Hey there, you guys look hungry"

The three men all nodded.

"I tell ...

Calendars are going to be discontinued soon.

Their days are numbered.

A man walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar and sees a 12 inch pianist sitting on the bar stand, the man asks

Man: “why is there a 12 inch pianist?”

Bartender: “they’re is a genie in the alley that grants 1 wish to anyone”

So the man runs outside to alley and sees this big old looking genie

M...

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His cat died......

I heard this joke during a Bob Newhart concert....
One day this feller gets a call from his brother "Bill" (a metrosexual) who asked him to take care of his cat while he went on a business trip. The brother "Larry" (a Marine) agreed and Bill came over and dropped off the cat and a very long list ...

Three brothers age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.

One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells, "Was I going up the stairs or coming down?...

Three old ladies are sitting on a park bench

, just chatting the day away like old ladies do.

Suddenly, a man in a trench coat walks up to them and flashes them with all the glory god gave him.

Well, the first old lady had a stroke right away.

The second old lady had a stroke soon after.

The third old lady, being mo...

I bet a lot of money that scientists will be able to perfect human cloning soon.

If not, I won’t be able to live with myself.

Kevin with his mistress on the bed

"You should leave now. My husband is coming back soon", said the woman.

"Don't worry, I've got my trained smart horse outside. If I just blow a whistle and jump out the window, it would catch me easily", smiled Kevin.

Then someone knocked at the door.

In a panic, Kevin blowed a ...

Husband won't be back soon

Some days ago, I came to know a girl on the Internet. Beautiful...

After some chat, I felt that we had connected at a deeper level.

Yesterday, she asked me to visit her house and said, "My husband is on a business trip, and I'm alone at home."

I was very cautious and asked, "Wi...

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Young naive couple

A young naïve newlywed couple from rural China decided to move to America to start a new life with nothing but big dreams and the love for each other. They arrived at their new home in rural Minnesota, and although they were happy and still in love, the first couple of months were difficult. They ...

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Birth of a Candy Bar! rated XXX and NSFW

One PAYDAY, MR. PEANUT wanted a BIT o' HONEY, so he took MARY JANE back behind the POWERHOUSE on the corner of CLARK and FIFTH AVE. He began to feel her MOUNDS. That was pure ALMOND JOY!! It made his TOOTSIE ROLL. He let out some SNICKERS as his BUTTERFINGER went up her JUICY FRUIT and caused a MILK...

A man came into a doctor's office with a hacking up a lung, coughing up gobs of mucous into a handkerchief.

The staff tried to find out what was wrong and get more info from the man but he was clearly speaking a foreign language and no one could seem to identify what it was. A nurse happened to walk by the man and heard what was going on. She immediately got on her phone and soon a translator was at the m...

A man orders soup at the restaraunt, but as soon as it arrives, it becomes apparent something is very wrong with his meal.

He flags down his waiter.

"Excuse me waiter, could you please taste my soup?"

The waiter gives the man a strange look.

"Is something wrong with your soup, sir?"

The man shakes his head,

"Please taste the soup, waiter."

The waiter gets flustered, he told the ...

Two Leafs fans die and go to hell

The devil greets them at the gate and shows them to their new home. Having lived in northern Ontario their whole lives, the two men are excited to enjoy hell's warmer climate. They immediately shed a few layers and kick back with a couple cold beers. The devil, none too pleased with their enthusiasm...

The ending is massive.

A shoe factory specializing in intelligent shoes contacted me, and asked me whether I wanted to try their new smart shoes.

It was free of charge, so I accepted the offer.

First, I asked the shoes to take me to the best burger place in town. And indeed, the shoes walked me right into th...

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A magical frog, a bear, and a rabbit

Once there was a magical frog in a forest. He woke up one morning and said to himself, “Today I’m going to be generous. I will grant 3 wishes to the first 2 animals I see.” He goes outside and he sees a bear. Soon after he sees a rabbit.

The frog calls over the bear and the rabbit, and he tel...

Too soon

What is making a joke about Alex Tribek's cancer diagnosis?

Excited grandkids: “Grandpa! Grandpa! Can you make a noise like a frog?!”

Grandpa: “I guess so, let me try.

*Ribbet, ribbet.*

How was that, was it good enough for you?”

Excited Grandkids: “Hooray! Let’s go tell Dad!”

Grandpa: “What’s the big deal?”

Excited Grandkids: “Dad’s been saying ‘As soon as that old fart croaks we’re all ...

A guy comes home from work,

He flops down in his favorite chair and yells, "Honey! Bring me a beer before it starts!" His wife br8ngs him a beer and he chugs it down. A few minutes later, "Honey, bring me another beer before it starts!" She reluctantly brings him a second beer and he chugs it down. Soon, he yells once more, "H...

They made a measles joke at work today and soon everyone laughed...

It was contagious.

As soon as space travel is possible, I’m moving from the Milky Way to the Soymilky Way galaxy

I’m galactose intolerant

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After countless attempts at Moby Dick the ol' cap'n was a nervous wreck and missing a leg...

Did someone at least send him a "Get Whale Soon" card?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A peasant goes to the lord of the land...

A peasant goes to the lord of the land and says

"My lord, if us peasants don't get any new livestock soon, we will be forced to revolt!"

The Lord replies

"We'll give out free roosters then!"

The peasant then asks

"How many roosters should each man get?"

The...

A boy ate a picture of his dad.

He was soon spitting image of his father.

The police were recently investigating a recent sheep theft..

No onces been charged yet, but police hope to have the criminals behind bahhs soon

Will be opening up a Christian gym soon.

Can't decide what to call it, Jehovah's Fitness, or CrossFit.

Beware

CORONA VIRUS WARNING!!!!

I don't want to alarm anyone but the coronavirus will soon spread in an irreversible way.
The first means of contamination are bank notes, don't touch them. Wear gloves and place all notes in a snap lock bag. Leave them in your letterbox and message me your address...

A man is going through a surgery. Before the surgery started, the doctor said "No need to be afraid Charlie, it's gonna be over soon." "But my name isn't Charlie." the man replies, confused.

"Charlie is my name." said the doctor.

Skipper was always bragging to his boss, “You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.”

One day, tired of Skipper’s boasting, his boss calls his bluff. “Okay, Skipper, how about Tom Cruise?”

“Sure, Tom and I are good friends, and I can prove it.” So Skipper and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, “Skipper! Great to se...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Old wife tries to get husband interested in sex again...

She makes several attempts but nothing seems to work.

She sees an ad in the church bulletin for crotch-less panties and decides to give that a try.

She put 'em on and lays down on the bed, waiting for him to come home from work.

As soon as he walks in, she does the spread-eagle ...

LPT: With Area 51 being raided soon, you should know what to do when you see a Spaceman...

Just park your car, man

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Bob....' Bob was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.' Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.... The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. 'So, you'...

It had been raining non stop for weeks

A fellow was stuck on his rooftop in a flood. He was praying to God for help.

Soon a man in a rowboat came by and the fellow shouted to the man on the roof, "Jump in, I can save you."

The stranded fellow shouted back, "No, it's OK, I'm praying to God and he is going to save me."
...

A man is on his dying bed, and wishes to confess something to his wife...

He says "my love, I must tell you something I've been holding in a long time..."

"Shhhh, it's okay, my love, you need to rest."

"But I have to tell you, I cannot hold it in any longer"

"It's okay, my love", she said, "you will soon be at peace and it does not matter....

Humans advanced to the point of space domination and could create clones of themselves.

Two friends, Dill and Jeuk decided to play space tag. Dill was 'it'.

Jeuk had a clever trick up his sleeve. He created 50 clones of himself and hid them in the galaxy, while he himself hid in a cluster of comets.

After a lot of looking, Dill found the first clone in a nearby star syste...

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