I was banging this hot chick on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open

She said "it's my husband!. Quick, try the backdoor!"

Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that every day.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife is doing a sponsored parachute jump tomorrow and I am genuinely terrified that the chute won't open.

Last time something that big hit the earth, the fucking dinosaurs got wiped out.

My last relationship ended because I didn’t open the car door for her.

Instead I just swam for the surface.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The FBI had an open position for an assassin

**The FBI had an open position for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you wil...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A professional gambler wins big and dies of an aneurysm.

When he gets to the afterlife, he finds himself at the back of a miles-long line to get into Heaven.

Drawing on his experience, the gambler immediately thinks of a way to get ahead of everyone else. He taps the old man ahead of him on the shoulder...

"Want to make a bet while we wait?"...

Sinks can't open doors

Let that sink in

Did you hear about the geometry teacher who left his parrot's cage open?

Polygon.

A man goes to the Super Bowl but his tickets are for the upper tier. He spots an open seat on the 50-yard line and grabs it.

The guy sitting next to him says, “Actually, this seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven’t been together since we got married in 1967.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” says the first man. “Couldn’t you find a friend or rel...

Tomorrow I'm going to open the time capsule I buried as a kid

I can't wait to see how big my puppy got!

I used to open so many cards on Valentines Day.

Eventually the post office fired me for it.

How does a ghost open locked doors?

With a Spoooooky

A woman was sobbing on the side of the street because she had accidentally locked her keys in her car,

a passing soldier saw this and assured her that he can help.

She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.

Magically it opens....... "That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"

"Easy," replies the s...

A man rushes home late from work, slams the door open and plops himself down on the sofa. He turns on the tv and looks at his wife “quick” he says “get me a beer and some food before it starts!”

The wife gets up slowly looking startled but slightly excited. She wanders into the kitchen and comes back quickly with a beer and some food for her husband.

The man gulps down the beer and looks back to his wife “quick!” He says “get me another beer before it starts!” The man goes back to fl...

Yesterday, a clown held the door open for me.

It was such a nice jester!

An unemployed engineer opens a clinic

An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: "A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail."
A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.
Doctor: "I have l...

You're hungry. In the fridge there is a bag of bread, jar of jam, a can of tuna, and some milk. To answer the riddle, what do you open first?

This thread!

A farmer buys a rooster to service his 200 hens. When he gets the rooster into the barnyard, he tells him, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Have fun, but take your time."

The farmer points him toward the henhouse and the rooster takes off like a shot.

WHAM! Randy nails every hen in the henhouse, three or four times. Randy runs out and sees a flock of geese down by the lake. WHAM! He nails all the geese. Randy runs to the pigpen, the cow pasture -- soon, he's b...

Mother Superior is in the convent, when she hears a knock at the door. She opens the door and is shocked to see two leprechauns standing at the threshold, hats in hand. The first leprechaun speaks, "Mother Superior, would you be having any leprechaun nuns in this convent?"

"No, my son. We have no leprechaun nuns in this convent."

"And mother, do you have any leprechaun nuns in all of Ireland?"

"No my son, I don't believe there's a single leprechaun nun in the whole church!"

The first leprechaun rounds on his companion and shouts, "AH TOL' YE YOU'D...

My daughters have decided to open a computer repair service together!

They’re going to call it “2 Girls 1 CPU”

Im going to open a Kosher Hotdog stand in my attic.

It’s called Anne’s Franks.

A few partners and myself are planning to open a combination chiropractic office and marijuana dispensary.

It's going to be a joint joint joint joint joint.

The Chinese medic , opens a private clinic.

At the front dor , there was a huge banner saying : " The treatment costs $20 , if you don't get cured , we will give you $100 back"

A lawyer walking by saw the sign and thought it's a good opportunity for him to make an easy $100 , so he walks into the clinic .

- I have lost my tas...

I want to open an Indian restaurant that caters to the workingclass individual.

I'll call it Naan to Five.

Why did Piglet open the toilet?

He was looking for Pooh

Inspector Javert gives up on catching Jean Valjean and opens a bakery.

But old habits die hard. The bread is on special, two for $6.01

Going to open up a donut shop next to a medical marijuana store

I’ll call it glazed and confused

Teacher: What should you do when someone opens fire at you?

Blonde: Use a FIRE extinguisher?

My dad adviced me to never open a funeral business.

Bewildered as to why he gave me this advice, having never worked in a funeral business himself, I asked why.

"Because the market is dead, son"

It was late at night and my car was running on empty, but then I turned a corner and saw a sign saying "Open 24/7."

I thought to my self, that's no use, July's ages away

My fridge has an annoying habit to make noise if I leave it open too long

I wish it would just chill

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

On a recent safari, I saw two male lions having sex with each other out in the open.

I thought, “Have they got no pride?”

Little Jimmy wakes up due to the loud sounds coming from his parents room. Little Jimmy gets there, opens the door and catches them doing it.

The mom was *riding* the father. Of course Little Jimmy being such an innocent child, he didn’t know what they were doing, so he asks his mom : -“Mom what you doing “ ... - “Your father is too fat , and he has such a big belly , so I told him to lay down, I got on top of him and started pushing and ...

The president opens his curtains on a snowy morning when he sees that someone had urinated the words "The president sucks" on the lawn.

Furious, the president orders the FBI to launch an investigation.

Two hours later, the head of the FBI calls the president. "Sir, we have bad news, and we have even worse news. The urine was the Vice Presidents".

The President responds, "What? What could be worse than this?"

Th...

An old lady phoned the police about her neighbour stripping off in his bedroom with light on and curtains open, the police came round and checked, they said but mam there is a tree blocking the view you cannot see his bedroom window, she replied.

You can if you stand on top of the wardrobe.

One day, some friars open up a flower shop

Before long, their store attracts quite a lot of customers; after all, who wouldn’t want to buy flowers from men of God? Unfortunately, though, this means that all the other florists in town are being driven out of business. They plead with the friars to close shop or move elsewhere, but they refuse...

Due to reposts I now try to guess the punchline before i open up a joke on Reddit. Can you guess how many I've gotten correct?

Bus driver.

If you thought I was going to say "nun" you were probably surprised.

If your parachute doesn't open...

you have the rest of your life to fix it ;)

What type of key opens a banana?

A monkey.




Please help me

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was staying in a crappy motel. In the middle of the night a beautiful woman woke me up by pounding on the door and begging me to open it. I felt so bad...

... that I decided to let her out.

Your fly is open!

An army secretary was trying to be discreet with her boss when she saw his fly was open so she said “excuse me sir but your Barack’s door is open.” He replied “oh it is? Well do you see a soldier standing at attention?” She responded “No sir. I see a disable veteran sitting on two duffle bags.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy with a stammer participates in an open Mic night at a pub.

In his opening joke, he makes fun of other people with stammers. A guy from the audience shouts, "You can't make fun of disabilities even if you have one!" The comedian replies, "Did I f-fucking s-s-stutter?"

Open and shut case

A cop stopped a speeding car, approached the driver's window and said, "Can I have your license and registration, please?"
The driver said, " I don't have a license. I've never even took driving theory."
The officer asked: " Can I have the car registration?"
"it's not my car, I stole it" an...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

He's about to blow her head open.

So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?"

"Yup."

"What if you miss?"

He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss..."

"Okay, we'l...

Why did the Jewish guy open up a coffee shop?

Cuz he brews!!

Why didn't the yam go to the Australian Open?

Because he wasn't a commontator

A four bed room has four strangers arrive for the night, three of them open a bottle of vodka and begin to get acquainted, then drunk, then noisy, they begin to tell political jokes. The fourth stranger gets up from his bed and goes downstairs, he asks the hostess to make tea and bring it to room 67

In ten minutes, he then returns to the room and joins the others, five minutes later he leans down to the electric socket in the wall and says 'Comrade General tea to room 67 please' then the hostess walks in with the tea, the party dies a sudden death and the fourth stranger finally gets some sleep...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man goes to hell and the devil greets him.

He takes him to a hallway which has three different doors and tells the man he'll have to choose one room to spend the rest of eternity in.
So he takes him to the first door and he opens it and sees everyone standing on their heads on wooden floors. The man thought that would be pretty terrible t...

I went to the sperm bank but found out they weren’t open yet.

Guess I came a little too early.

What does the sign say at the brothel when they are not open?

Beat it, we're closed.

An Italian tells a magical door, "Open!"

"Says who?" Asks the door. The man replies, "Open, says-a me!"

I have bought my wife a fridge for christmas.

I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

My friends say that my sudden urges to crack open a cold one is becoming a problem.

I just don't see the issue with necrophilia.

How does a pirate open an essay?

With a hook.

A lawyer parks his brand new BMW on the curb and opens the door as a car drives by and smashes through the door.

The lawyer quickly spots a police officer across the street and shouts: «Officer, officer, did you see what just happened? That car smashed off the door on my brand new BMW!» «Oh, my god,» replies the officer. «You lawyers are so materialistic. You stand there whining about your car and you haven’t ...

I turned in my doctor for corruption charges when he wouldn't treat my open wound.

He was a good guy but I had no choice. I was losing blood fast and only

"snitches get stitches".

After 50 years of marriage. The wife let her husband to open the mysterious chest.

A couple was married for 50 years. And from the first day of their marriage the wife put a chest in their bedroom. It was a tough chest, impossible to open. 50 years the husband tried to open it, but nothing worked. The wife didn't tell him what was in there either. So at the 50th anniversary of the...

A girl had her bag open and a calculator fell out. I picked it up and said “excuse me , I think this is yours. I saw it fall out of your bag”

“that adds up” she said

What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?

Gloves.




Jk, he hasn’t opened it yet.

If you get a message from me about tinned meat, don’t open it...

It’s spam

A woman was walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out.

A cop was approaching from about a block away, thinking to himself, "Boy, my eyes must be going. It looks like that woman is hanging out of her blouse."

But, as he got closer, it became apparent that she really was hanging out her blouse.

When the officer got face to face with the woma...

“You know how it is in life. One door closes – that means another door opens…”

“Yeah, very nice, but you either fix that or I’m expecting a serious discount on that car!”.

Government is back open but I heard

If trump sees his shadow it's 6 more weeks of shutdown

I want to open a perfume store...

I'd call it: "Common Scents."

It was so cold last night that I had to cut open my tauntaun to sleep.

Unfortunately that only got me luke warm.

A man rings at the door of a flat. A lady opens the door.

He: "Hello, I'm a piano tuner."

She: "But I didn't ask for a tuner."

He: "I know, but your neigbours did."

Why did satan open a gym?

So he could exercise his demons.

Heading down to the Autopsy Club later.

It's open Mike night.

How many men does it take to open a bottle of beer

None. It should already be open when she hands it to you.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My Ex was was so weird. She would get angry when I told her she had to keep her eyes open and watch me when she blew the candle on her birthday. One year she got so mad at me and did the strangest thing... she bit the candle. She was mildly crazy.

She did other weird things too, like constantly twerking everywhere we went and naming my penis "The Candle".

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

We had an open position with 60 applicants. I said, "I don't have time to review all these resumes. Just hire the one with the biggest tits!"

Larry starts Monday.

What do you call it when your parachute doesn't open?

Jumping to conclusion

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 83-year-old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have noth...

If you went to a strip club at lunchtime and it wasn't open, would the sign on the door say...

"SORRY, WE'RE CLOTHED"

A guy is relaxing at his home in Copenhagen when he hears a knock on the door. He opens up and it's Hamlet.

"What are you doing here?" he asks.

"Sorry to bother you," says Hamlet, "but I need a place to crash for a few days, do you mind if I stay here?"

Guy scratches his head and says "Well, I guess you can, this is pretty out of the blue though."

"I know," says Hamlet, " Nobody exp...

In a recent poll, 80% of people in America said they would not open their homes to a sentient water basin that walked up to their door and asked for shelter...

Let that sink in...

I want to open up a discount book store

I’ll call it Food 4 Thought 4 Less

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is making passionate love to his wife when his neighbor busts open the front door.

Immediately embarrassed, he yells, “Jesus! Can’t you knock?”

His neighbor shouts back: “I’ll knock when you two get the fuck off my lawn!”

There are only 2 words in life that will open a lot of doors for you...

Push & pull

The Queen was riding in an open carriage with the American Ambassador when one of the horses let out an enormous fart.

The Queen turns to the Ambassador and says "My goodness, I do apologise"

"That's OK Ma'am, I thought it was the horse"

Woman are like an open book

But it's written in chinese and about quantum mechanics.

A new jokes store opens up in town.

A kid walks in to check out the place early the next day. Looking all around, he sees that the store has several recognizable items (such as whoopie cushions) and some unique items that he'd never seen before. There was also a wall full of candy, with weird names such as "Hoot Gummies" and "Woof Bar...

On Halloween night, a kid knocks on this man’s door. As the man opens the door...

Kid: Bick ‘r beat!

Man: I’m sorry, what was that?

Kid: Bick ‘r beat!

Man: Oh, you mean ‘trick or treat’?

Kid: Yeah! Bick ‘r beat!

Man: Ok, so what are you supposed to be, young man?

Kid: I’m a birate!

Man: Could you say that again?

Kid: A birat...

I got the weirdest reaction from a girl whenI held the door open for her

She kept screaming things like “who the hell are you!” and “this is the girl’s bathroom!”

—-

I'm thinking of opening a shop which sells used artificial limbs

Call it the second hand second hand store

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An ok dude dies and goes to heaven

Reaching the Pearly Gates, he sees Saint Peter, who stops him immediately. Saint Peter then says :

"Hey you, where do you think you're going ?"

"Inside", says the guy.

"Inside?" The Saint wonders. "Let me check my books for a while."

So, a couple minutes pass and he fina...

I left my front door open and my Roomba got out, and now I can't find it. What are the consequences of this? It has no natural predators...

Nature abhors a vacuum

A woman opens up a stand near the train station selling apples for 1$

Each day, the same man walks over to the stand, leaves a $1, but doesnt take any apples. This went on for an entire year, until one day, the man left a dollar and was about to leave but the woman grabbed him by the hand. The man says: "I see you are finally interested why I keep leaving a dollar wit...

My grandfather is always saying that in the old days people could leave their back doors open.

Which is probably why his submarine sank.

Today, I shocked the hell out of the postman by opening the door completely naked.

I’m not sure what surprised him most: my nudity, or the fact that I know where he lives.