My grandpa always says, “When one door closes, another opens.”

He was a good man, but a lousy cabinet maker.

A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED!
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman wi...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife is doing a sponsored parachute jump tomorrow and I am genuinely terrified that the chute won't open.

Last time something that big hit the earth, the fucking dinosaurs got wiped out.

My last relationship ended because I didn’t open the car door for her.

Instead I just swam for the surface.

If you're ever skydiving and your parachute fails to open, don't panic.

You will have the rest of your life to try and fix it.

I was banging this hot chick on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open

She said "it's my husband!. Quick, try the backdoor!"

Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that every day.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The FBI had an open position for an assassin

**The FBI had an open position for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you wil...

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A man walks into a bar with an alligator. He call for everyone's attention, orders a beer and proceeds to put his balls in the gator's open mouth.

The gator closes its mouth, the man drinks the beer and then takes the bottle and whacks the gator on the head with it real hard. The gator opens its mouth and the man shows off his unharmed balls.

He looks around the bar and says, "I'll give anyone here a 100 dollars to try this."

The...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. ...

Mrs O’ Sullivan hears the doorbell and opens the front door of her house

Standing in the rain, is her husbands best friend, Paddy.

"Hello Paddy, but where is Seamus? I thought he went with you to the brewery"

Paddy shook his head. "Ah Aileen, there was a terrible accident at the brewery, your husband fell into a vat of Guinness and drowned"

Mrs O’ Su...

Sometimes, the best way to open an egg

is to hatchet

My girlfriend wants to open a yoga studio, even though she currently cannot afford it.

I told her it's a bit of a stretch.

A woman was sobbing on the side of the street because she had accidentally locked her keys in her car,

a passing soldier saw this and assured her that he can help.

She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.

Magically it opens....... "That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"

"Easy," replies the s...

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A professional gambler wins big and dies of an aneurysm.

When he gets to the afterlife, he finds himself at the back of a miles-long line to get into Heaven.

Drawing on his experience, the gambler immediately thinks of a way to get ahead of everyone else. He taps the old man ahead of him on the shoulder...

"Want to make a bet while we wait?"...

How do penguins open windows?

They drink wine

A man goes into a restaurant. He has a seat at a booth and opens a menu to find out that none of the foods have prices next to them.

He asks the waiter, “How much is the Fettuccine Alfredo?”

The waiter says, “A penny.”

The man exclaims, “A penny? How much for a steak?”

The waiter says, “A nickel.” The man is astonished.

“Are you serious? Where’s the man who owns this place? I’d like to shake his hand!”...

A man rushes home late from work, slams the door open and plops himself down on the sofa. He turns on the tv and looks at his wife “quick” he says “get me a beer and some food before it starts!”

The wife gets up slowly looking startled but slightly excited. She wanders into the kitchen and comes back quickly with a beer and some food for her husband.

The man gulps down the beer and looks back to his wife “quick!” He says “get me another beer before it starts!” The man goes back to fl...

Did you hear about the geometry teacher who left his parrot's cage open?

Polygon.

The police knocked on my door and said open up.

So I told them my dad didn’t hug me.

A man goes to the Super Bowl but his tickets are for the upper tier. He spots an open seat on the 50-yard line and grabs it.

The guy sitting next to him says, “Actually, this seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven’t been together since we got married in 1967.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” says the first man. “Couldn’t you find a friend or rel...

A new jokes store opens up in town.

A kid walks in to check out the place early the next day. Looking all around, he sees that the store has several recognizable items (such as whoopie cushions) and some unique items that he'd never seen before. There was also a wall full of candy, with weird names such as "Hoot Gummies" and "Woof Bar...

Why couldn't the surf shop afford to stay open?

It was double overhead!

The world’s best female and male thieves got married. When their first child was born, they saw and surprised that the newborn baby was holding something. They finally managed to open the baby’s hand and shocked more

The midwife’s ring

Tomorrow I'm going to open the time capsule I buried as a kid

I can't wait to see how big my puppy got!

The head of human resources is interviewing a potential candidate for the open position of corporate attorney.

“Would you consider yourself an honest lawyer?” the HR person asks in the interview.

​

“Honest?” the lawyer responds. “Let me tell you how honest I am. My father sold everything he had to put me through law school. After my very first case, I paid him back in full.”

&...

what did the tap say to you when you struggled to open it?

Don’t faucet!

I used to open so many cards on Valentines Day.

Eventually the post office fired me for it.

My wife decided to open the car door for me today.

It would’ve been a nice gesture had we not been going 70 mph.

My neighbors leave their windows open, so last night

He conquered, She came, I saw.

A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: 'I have lost my sense of taste.'
Chinese: 'Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth.'
Lawyer: 'Ugh. this is kerosene.'
Chinese: 'Congrats, your s...

What happens when musician Gene Simmons opens up a jewelry shop inspired by his Israeli heritage?

Family Jew-els :)

The Chinese medic , opens a private clinic.

At the front dor , there was a huge banner saying : " The treatment costs $20 , if you don't get cured , we will give you $100 back"

A lawyer walking by saw the sign and thought it's a good opportunity for him to make an easy $100 , so he walks into the clinic .

- I have lost my tas...

A farmer buys a rooster to service his 200 hens. When he gets the rooster into the barnyard, he tells him, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Have fun, but take your time."

The farmer points him toward the henhouse and the rooster takes off like a shot.

WHAM! Randy nails every hen in the henhouse, three or four times. Randy runs out and sees a flock of geese down by the lake. WHAM! He nails all the geese. Randy runs to the pigpen, the cow pasture -- soon, he's b...

Sinks can't open doors

Let that sink in

Mother Superior is in the convent, when she hears a knock at the door. She opens the door and is shocked to see two leprechauns standing at the threshold, hats in hand. The first leprechaun speaks, "Mother Superior, would you be having any leprechaun nuns in this convent?"

"No, my son. We have no leprechaun nuns in this convent."

"And mother, do you have any leprechaun nuns in all of Ireland?"

"No my son, I don't believe there's a single leprechaun nun in the whole church!"

The first leprechaun rounds on his companion and shouts, "AH TOL' YE YOU'D...

I hate it when people leave the door open...

It leaves me pretty unhinged

You're hungry. In the fridge there is a bag of bread, jar of jam, a can of tuna, and some milk. To answer the riddle, what do you open first?

This thread!

How does a ghost open locked doors?

With a Spoooooky

What do you call a jar that's slightly open?

ajar

A few partners and myself are planning to open a combination chiropractic office and marijuana dispensary.

It's going to be a joint joint joint joint joint.

My daughters have decided to open a computer repair service together!

They’re going to call it “2 Girls 1 CPU”

Im going to open a Kosher Hotdog stand in my attic.

It’s called Anne’s Franks.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

On a recent safari, I saw two male lions having sex with each other out in the open.

I thought, “Have they got no pride?”

I want to open an Indian restaurant that caters to the workingclass individual.

I'll call it Naan to Five.

Going to open up a donut shop next to a medical marijuana store

I’ll call it glazed and confused

Yesterday, a clown held the door open for me.

It was such a nice jester!

My skydiving parachute and backup didnt open but somehow I lived

long enough to post this

Why did Piglet open the toilet?

He was looking for Pooh

Inspector Javert gives up on catching Jean Valjean and opens a bakery.

But old habits die hard. The bread is on special, two for $6.01

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

He's about to blow her head open.

So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?"

"Yup."

"What if you miss?"

He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss..."

"Okay, we'l...

My dad adviced me to never open a funeral business.

Bewildered as to why he gave me this advice, having never worked in a funeral business himself, I asked why.

"Because the market is dead, son"

Teacher: What should you do when someone opens fire at you?

Blonde: Use a FIRE extinguisher?

It was late at night and my car was running on empty, but then I turned a corner and saw a sign saying "Open 24/7."

I thought to my self, that's no use, July's ages away

Due to reposts I now try to guess the punchline before i open up a joke on Reddit. Can you guess how many I've gotten correct?

Bus driver.

If you thought I was going to say "nun" you were probably surprised.

My fridge has an annoying habit to make noise if I leave it open too long

I wish it would just chill

What type of key opens a banana?

A monkey.




Please help me

Your fly is open!

An army secretary was trying to be discreet with her boss when she saw his fly was open so she said “excuse me sir but your Barack’s door is open.” He replied “oh it is? Well do you see a soldier standing at attention?” She responded “No sir. I see a disable veteran sitting on two duffle bags.”

Little Jimmy wakes up due to the loud sounds coming from his parents room. Little Jimmy gets there, opens the door and catches them doing it.

The mom was *riding* the father. Of course Little Jimmy being such an innocent child, he didn’t know what they were doing, so he asks his mom : -“Mom what you doing “ ... - “Your father is too fat , and he has such a big belly , so I told him to lay down, I got on top of him and started pushing and ...

What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?

Gloves.




Jk, he hasn’t opened it yet.

The president opens his curtains on a snowy morning when he sees that someone had urinated the words "The president sucks" on the lawn.

Furious, the president orders the FBI to launch an investigation.

Two hours later, the head of the FBI calls the president. "Sir, we have bad news, and we have even worse news. The urine was the Vice Presidents".

The President responds, "What? What could be worse than this?"

Th...

An old lady phoned the police about her neighbour stripping off in his bedroom with light on and curtains open, the police came round and checked, they said but mam there is a tree blocking the view you cannot see his bedroom window, she replied.

You can if you stand on top of the wardrobe.

I have bought my wife a fridge for christmas.

I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

One day, some friars open up a flower shop

Before long, their store attracts quite a lot of customers; after all, who wouldn’t want to buy flowers from men of God? Unfortunately, though, this means that all the other florists in town are being driven out of business. They plead with the friars to close shop or move elsewhere, but they refuse...

I went to the sperm bank but found out they weren’t open yet.

Guess I came a little too early.

Open and shut case

A cop stopped a speeding car, approached the driver's window and said, "Can I have your license and registration, please?"
The driver said, " I don't have a license. I've never even took driving theory."
The officer asked: " Can I have the car registration?"
"it's not my car, I stole it" an...

A woman was walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out.

A cop was approaching from about a block away, thinking to himself, "Boy, my eyes must be going. It looks like that woman is hanging out of her blouse."

But, as he got closer, it became apparent that she really was hanging out her blouse.

When the officer got face to face with the woma...

Why didn't the yam go to the Australian Open?

Because he wasn't a commontator

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was staying in a crappy motel. In the middle of the night a beautiful woman woke me up by pounding on the door and begging me to open it. I felt so bad...

... that I decided to let her out.

What does the sign say at the brothel when they are not open?

Beat it, we're closed.

Why did the Jewish guy open up a coffee shop?

Cuz he brews!!

An Italian tells a magical door, "Open!"

"Says who?" Asks the door. The man replies, "Open, says-a me!"

Gotdam cop just wrote me a ticket for an open container.

How's I'm supposed to drink it if it ain't open?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

We had an open position with 60 applicants. I said, "I don't have time to review all these resumes. Just hire the one with the biggest tits!"

Larry starts Monday.

Two brothers open their gifts on Christmas Day...

Two brothers, Jack and Charlie, open their gifts on Christmas Day, only to find that Jack has been spoiled with everything he ever wanted. Seeing his brother so jealous, Jack is basking in his smugness.

_Jack:_ I got so many gifts, I don't even know where to keep them!

_Charlie:_ Was c...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man goes to hell and the devil greets him.

He takes him to a hallway which has three different doors and tells the man he'll have to choose one room to spend the rest of eternity in.
So he takes him to the first door and he opens it and sees everyone standing on their heads on wooden floors. The man thought that would be pretty terrible t...

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A guy with a stammer participates in an open Mic night at a pub.

In his opening joke, he makes fun of other people with stammers. A guy from the audience shouts, "You can't make fun of disabilities even if you have one!" The comedian replies, "Did I f-fucking s-s-stutter?"

A girl had her bag open and a calculator fell out. I picked it up and said “excuse me , I think this is yours. I saw it fall out of your bag”

“that adds up” she said

How does a pirate open an essay?

With a hook.

If you get a message from me about tinned meat, don’t open it...

It’s spam

After 50 years of marriage. The wife let her husband to open the mysterious chest.

A couple was married for 50 years. And from the first day of their marriage the wife put a chest in their bedroom. It was a tough chest, impossible to open. 50 years the husband tried to open it, but nothing worked. The wife didn't tell him what was in there either. So at the 50th anniversary of the...

Heading down to the Autopsy Club later.

It's open Mike night.

A lawyer parks his brand new BMW on the curb and opens the door as a car drives by and smashes through the door.

The lawyer quickly spots a police officer across the street and shouts: «Officer, officer, did you see what just happened? That car smashed off the door on my brand new BMW!» «Oh, my god,» replies the officer. «You lawyers are so materialistic. You stand there whining about your car and you haven’t ...

I don't like going on the male toilets because men are a lot more open to farting loud there so I sometimes like to sneak into the female toilets and there they are a lot more quiet and discreet about it....

At least when they know I'm there

A man rings at the door of a flat. A lady opens the door.

He: "Hello, I'm a piano tuner."

She: "But I didn't ask for a tuner."

He: "I know, but your neigbours did."

I turned in my doctor for corruption charges when he wouldn't treat my open wound.

He was a good guy but I had no choice. I was losing blood fast and only

"snitches get stitches".

“You know how it is in life. One door closes – that means another door opens…”

“Yeah, very nice, but you either fix that or I’m expecting a serious discount on that car!”.

If you went to a strip club at lunchtime and it wasn't open, would the sign on the door say...

"SORRY, WE'RE CLOTHED"

Why did satan open a gym?

So he could exercise his demons.

How many men does it take to open a bottle of beer

None. It should already be open when she hands it to you.

I want to open a perfume store...

I'd call it: "Common Scents."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My Ex was was so weird. She would get angry when I told her she had to keep her eyes open and watch me when she blew the candle on her birthday. One year she got so mad at me and did the strangest thing... she bit the candle. She was mildly crazy.

She did other weird things too, like constantly twerking everywhere we went and naming my penis "The Candle".

It was so cold last night that I had to cut open my tauntaun to sleep.

Unfortunately that only got me luke warm.

In a recent poll, 80% of people in America said they would not open their homes to a sentient water basin that walked up to their door and asked for shelter...

Let that sink in...

Government is back open but I heard

If trump sees his shadow it's 6 more weeks of shutdown

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 83-year-old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have noth...

What do you call it when your parachute doesn't open?

Jumping to conclusion

There are only 2 words in life that will open a lot of doors for you...

Push & pull

A guy is relaxing at his home in Copenhagen when he hears a knock on the door. He opens up and it's Hamlet.

"What are you doing here?" he asks.

"Sorry to bother you," says Hamlet, "but I need a place to crash for a few days, do you mind if I stay here?"

Guy scratches his head and says "Well, I guess you can, this is pretty out of the blue though."

"I know," says Hamlet, " Nobody exp...

I got the weirdest reaction from a girl whenI held the door open for her

She kept screaming things like “who the hell are you!” and “this is the girl’s bathroom!”

—-

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An ok dude dies and goes to heaven

Reaching the Pearly Gates, he sees Saint Peter, who stops him immediately. Saint Peter then says :

"Hey you, where do you think you're going ?"

"Inside", says the guy.

"Inside?" The Saint wonders. "Let me check my books for a while."

So, a couple minutes pass and he fina...