UPJOKE
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Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from many men.

It was laid out over five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.

The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return....

A Russian had a talking parrot that constantly trashed Putin. When the man's friends came over he'd take out the parrot and bird would stuff like "Putin is a moron", "Putin without a shirt looks like a ballerina", and "Putin cannot swim cuz sh!t floats". one day banging on the door, "KGB open up!"

The man panics and hides the parrot in the freezer. The KGB ransack the house and can't find the parrot. After they leave the man takes the parrot out of the freezer and says "you see how stupid the government is". The parrot shaking start saying "Putin is a genius", and "Putin is the best democrati...

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She wants to open an account

One day, a raggedy looking woman carrying a large paper bag walks into the bank and asks to see the bank manager.

The receptionist is hesitant, but when she sees the large amount of cash in the bag, she escorts the lady into the manager's office. The raggedy old lady says she'd like to open ...

My wife and I have an open relationship

Found out last night

I surprised my mailman by opening the door completely naked this morning

I don't know which part shocked him the most, my nudity or that I know where he lives

An Scotsman accidentally dropped a penny into an open sewage pit

The pit was full of excrement, and after a few moments of thinking the Scotsman concluded:

"It's not worth it. I will never dive in for a penny!"

Then he checked his pockets for some change, picked two pounds and throw it to the pit:

"Now it's better" he said and jumped into the...

I just opened up a gym where my entire staff asks you a series of annoying questions every so often for the length of your stay.

Welcome to Jehovah's Fitness.

I opened a little shop that sells clickbait.

You won't believe what's in store.

Whats the worst thing to hear during open heart surgery?

Anything

when does the liquor store open?

A man calls the owner of a liquor store one evening. What time do you open the store tomorrow morning? The owner answers - we open at nine, Sir, good bye.

A few hours later the same man calls again and asks the same question, only this time he is a bit tipsy. I already told you Sir - we open...

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A fifteen-year-old Amish boy and his father were in a mall.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in ...

I always knock on the fridge door before opening

Just in case there is a salad dressing

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A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable. (one of my favourite jokes, worth the read)



However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they can't afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the z...

I want to open an Aerosmith-themed mexican restaurant

...and call it 'Guac This Way'

Why did Will use an open hand?

Because paper always beats Rock.

I was really happy when I opened four birthday cards and found a total of $200 in them.

I love being a postman.

What do you call a real estate agency opened by a detective?

Sherlock Homes

(I don’t know if it was posted before but I found the joke by myself )

I just opened my water bill and electricity bill at the same time

I was shocked

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A: Why are you so sad?

B: I was watching porn and all of a sudden my wife opened the door.

A: Ok I see, but is that really such a big deal?

B: I mean, she opened the door in the movie

A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds

A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds.

Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughe...

Jesus Christ said " When one door closes another opens":

Not the best line to come from a carpenter

I'll open a bar and call it "The Doctors Office"

Motto: Get your shots here

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender rema...

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A blond cop pulls over a blond and asks for identification.

The blond asks, “What’s that?”

The blond cop replies, “It’s the thing in your purse with your picture on it.”

The blond reaches into her purse, pulls out her compact mirror, and hands it over.

The blond cop opens it, takes a look, and says, “I’m sorry mam. If I knew you were an ...

A mailman notices a mailbox with the flag up

So, he opens the box and picks up a letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day.
<...

Someone Opened the Cages in the Reptile House at the Zoo

The keeper tried everything but couldn’t get the snakes back in their cages.

Frantic, he yelled to his assistant, “Call a lawyer!”

“A lawyer? Why?”

“We need someone who speaks their language.”

My meemaw always used to say, "As one door closes another one opens."

Lovely woman.

Terrible cabinet maker.

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How many homosexuals does it take to open a gate?

None, they’ll usually come in the back door.

Thinking about opening a bondage themed sandwich shop

Call that BLTDSM

[NSFW] The village idiot wanted to get rich.

Everyday he would pray to the gods that he would win the lottery.

Every night, "God, please let me win the lottery!!!!"

This went on for years and years, until one day suddenly there was a blinding flash of light as the heavens open, god steps in front of him and slaps him across his ...

“As one door closes, another one opens,” he said.

“That's all well and good,” I said, “But until you fix it, I'm not buying the car.”

I told my kid to not open the door for anyone while I’m not home

Now I’m stuck outside

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A farmer buys a young cock

As soon as he gets home it fucks all of his 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunch, the cock again screws all 150 hens. Next day it’s fucking the ducks and the geese too. Sadly, later in the day the farmer finds the cock lying on the ground half-dead and vultures circling over its head. Farmer...

A man decided to open a farm.

He went to the store and asked for a hen. The store owner said "Sure! They're called pullets around here." The man also asked for a goose. The owner said "Sure, but we call those peckers here!" Lastly, the man asked for a donkey. The owner said "They're called asses around here. I'll sell you mine, ...

My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “It’s not working. I can’t take it any more. I’m going to my mom’s.” Confused and extremely worried, I slowly opened the fridge door. The light came on, the beer was cold.

What the hell did she mean?

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A married man keeps telling his wife “ Honey , you have such a

"Honey, you have such a beautiful butt"

Every person in the town agrees that she does have a very beautiful butt. The man's birthday is coming up so she decides to take a trip to the tattoo parlor and get the words "Beautiful butt" tattooed on her ass.

She walks in and tells the tattoo...

A man rushes home late from work, slams the door open and plops himself down on the sofa. He turns on the tv and looks at his wife “quick” he says “get me a beer and some food before it starts!”

The wife gets up slowly looking startled but slightly excited. She wanders into the kitchen and comes back quickly with a beer and some food for her husband.

The man gulps down the beer and looks back to his wife “quick!” He says “get me another beer before it starts!” The man goes back to fl...

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My wife FINALLY agreed to a Star Wars role play in the bedroom

The only catch was I had to be Obi Wan, because she always had a thing for Ewan McGregor.

"Of course!" I said, and got to work putting together the sexiest Obi Wan costume I could. I even managed to find Glow in the Dark condoms so I could impress her with my "lightsaber".

The night f...

It's another hot day, so I've opened all the windows and stripped off all my clothes .... it feels fantastic

The other people on the bus are complaining though

Man walked by old man sitting on bench openly weeping, so the man said, “what’s wrong?” The old man responds..

I’m married to a beautiful 25-year old woman who quit her modeling career to spend time with me. Every single night she makes love to me like no other woman ever has in my life, she follows it up with dinner afterwards cooks me up a delicious gourmet meal then we fall asleep holding eachother in bed...

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A kid is running around the house when he runs upstairs and finds his dad shaving in the bathroom.

The dad cuts himself and yells "shit."

The kid asks, "dad, what's shit?"

"Oh it's shaving cream."

The kid says "ok" and runs around again. He goes into the kitchen and his mom is cutting the turkey. She cuts herself with a knife and says "fuck."

The kid asks, "mom, what's...

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Tickle Me Elmo

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.
The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manage...

I went to the doctor because every time I open my eyes, I barf everywhere.

He looked me over and said it was the WORST case of SEE SICKNESS he'd ever encountered




^(made that up just now... I'm so sorry everyone)

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A couple of guys open a new storefront

30 min later a nosey passer-by is peering through an open window trying to make out what’s going on..

He says, Hey what are you guys selling?

They respond .. We’re selling assholes…

He says.. business must be good, it looks like you only have two left…

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Six Lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

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A dwarf was drinking in a bar, when a sexy blonde walked up to him and said "Ive always wanted to have sex with a little person"

**The dwarf replied "Im sorry, but Ive had women say that before, then I go home with them and the husband or boyfriend finds out and I get beaten up" "Its ok" said the woman, "my husband is working away until next week" So, against his better judgement he goes back with the woman. They start having...

What’s the difference between a velociraptor and a police officer?

The velociraptor can open doors.

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A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:

"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uni...

Novak Djokovic is the first person to be knocked out of the Australian Open.

He only missed two shots.

What kind of key opens a banana?

A mon-key

There’s a great actor who can no longer remember his lines, and when word gets out, no one will hire him.

After many years he finally finds a theater that is prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says, “This is the most important part, but it has only one line. You walk out on stage at the opening, carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff...

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A nun goes for a bath

Ten minutes in there's a knock on the door. She looks around to grab her towel but must have left it in the bedroom. She peeps out the window to see who has called.


''Who's there'' she yells
" Hi Sister Kathleen, it's the blind man " is the response


" He's probably loo...

a german bar opened in our neighborhood

i'm a curious guy so i get in

i ask the bartender: "can i get a glass of punch?"

he says: "sir, we are german, we are efficient and practical, there's a line for each beverage"

i look over and what do you know, i see a queue for each drink!

there's a long line just for wh...

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A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator. What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with h...

If there are 502 bricks in a plane and 1 falls off, how many are left?

>!501.!<

How do you put an elephant in a fridge?

>!You open the door, put the elephant in, and close the door.!<

How do you put a giraffe in the fridge?

>!You open the door, take the elephant out, put the giraffe in, and close the door.!<

So, the ...

A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside reading 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 14 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."

Chinese: "Congrats, yo...

there's no better experience than cracking open a cold one at the end of the work day

i love working at the morgue.

Phil Mickelson just missed the cut at the U.S. Open

He must be LIV-id

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A man is seated in 1st class with an open seat next to him.

Anxiously awaiting departure he can't believe his luck when a stunningly beautiful blonde approaches. As she sits down next to him he silently vows to abstain from hitting on her. It's doubtless she's had that happen to her frequently. She settles in and they're off and heading for San Francisco i...

Ben and Jerrys have opened a school of Martial Arts

It's called Cookie-Do

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Little Johnny wakes up one night…

Little Johnny wakes up one night hearing noises from his parents bedroom.

He opens the door to his parents room and sees mom, handcuffed to the bed's headboard, dad ramming her from behind.

Johnny screams.

Dad turns to looks at him, laughs and gives mom a slap on the bum for g...

Jesus opened a brewery. Do you know what he called it??

HeBrew

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Men: stop holding doors open for women -- it's sexist

Hold them closed instead, so they have equal opportunity to prove their strength

BREAKING: The Internet has been permanently shutdown in Russia, Kremlin announced today, adding that a new network open only to Russians is set to go online within the week

Sources close to the Kremlin says Putin himself took to naming the network, proudly dubbing it as 'The Internyet'

You can say what you want about the open-mic hip-hop audience.

But, they really don't deserve the bad rap.

A lady finds out that she is pregnant, but she is worried.

He husband has anger management issues, yelling a lot, breaking things, really horrible to be around. She doesn't want her kids to be like that, so she asks her doctor for advice. Her doctor says "Rub your belly once a day every day and say 'Be polite, be polite.' "

So she starts doing so. Bu...

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A rude man walks into the bank and tells the teller: "I want to open a fucking checking account." [NSFW]

A rude man walks into the bank and tells the teller: "I want to open a fucking checking account."

The teller, upset, says "We don't tolerate language like that here."

The man asks "What's the fucking problem? It's not like anyone really gives a shit!"

The teller then leaves with...

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Aliens invade earth

A flying saucer comes down one day. A group of heavily armed, green-skinned extraterrestrials disembark carrying enormous weapons.

One opens his mouth and announces "Greetings Earthlings! You have 72 hours to bring us your world leader! If he finds favor in our eyes, you will be spared. If ...

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A man walks into a bar and sees a 5 gallon jug filled with $20 bills...

He sits at the bar and asks the bartender about it. The bartender replies,

"It's the $20 challenge. You put a $20 into the jar, complete a set of three challenges, and if you win you take home the entire jar!"

The man looked at it and asked what the challenges were, because that much m...

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door...

“Quick, jump out the window,” she says to him... “What???, the guy says, “we’re on the 13th floor!” She says... “ just jump, this is no time to be superstitious!”

I was banging this hot chick on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open.

She said "It's my husband!. Quick, try the backdoor!" .

Thinking back, I really should have run but you don't get offers like that every day.

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A young priest is new to a confregation

And he strikes up a conversation with a young nun. He tells her that on his studies in The Vatican he’s come to understand an important teaching that’s been neglected. Basically, it turns out the kingdom of heaven is sealed with an earthly lock. Luckily, men posses the key and women, the lock itself...

An old farmer got up in the middle of the night to use the toilet.

As he was heading back to bed, he looked out the window and saw the lights on in his shed. A closer inspection revealed men loading his tools and farm machinery into their truck.

He rushes to the phone and calls 000 (911)

"I need the police! There are some guys clearing out my shed!"...

Questions

At the skydiving training course, the instructor would take time to answer some of the First Timer Questions.One guy asked: If our chute doesn't open.....and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have till we hit the ground? The instructor looked at him and in perfect deadpan answered: The rest ...

A man walks into a bar, takes a small piano out of his bag and then a tiny man. the tiny man starts playing the piano.

The bartender asks the gentleman "what's up"?
The gentleman explains how he found a magic lamp with a genie inside and he grants wishes. The gentleman says if you give me a couple free drinks I will gladly let you make a wish.
The bartender thinks, ok what's the worst that can happen.
The b...

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Superman is out flying and sees wonder woman naked on a rooftop with her legs wide open and moaning in delight

He thinks to himself that as he is faster than a speeding bullet he can do his business with her and fly off before she knows it. He toys with the idea and decides to go for it. He swoops down fucks her with lightning thrusts and zooms off in a flash. The whole event lasts less than a second. As soo...

A new nightclub opened in my town, but it went out of business quickly.

It was called the "Watch Your Head" bar.

Apparently, nobody walked into it.

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The local brothel is hiring

This to be told at parties - needs to have women in the audience.

So, the local brothel has been losing business for a while and the owner thought it's time to add some new faces to shore up some business. She had 3 rooms open and could hire 3 more girls.

She puts up an ad on the loc...

Did you hear Elmer Fudd opened a distillery?

According to him, it's a whiskey business.

A old TV psychic is given a question in an envelope and asked for the answer to said question without opening the envelope. The psychic holds it up to his head, concentrates, and says "The Answer! Is! 'Perpetuate!'"

Then, the old psychic opens the envelope to read the note inside out loud to the studio audience and says, "The Question! Is! How does a Chinese deli charge their customers...?!"

If anyone gets a message from me about canned meat, don't open it....

It's spam

A man tells his friend that he has a dog in a suitcase who can play the piano.

The friend says “ok let’s see it”. The man opens the suitcase and sure enough a small dog with a small piano comes out and plays the piano with great skill. As he plays a crowd gathers around to watch. After some time a female dog comes out from the crowd, picks him up by the scruff and carries him ...

A man wearing a ski mask walks into a sperm bank, holding a gun he orders the receptionist to open the vault.

“But sir, this is just a sperm bank” replied the receptionist.

“I don’t care,” the man screamed, “open the vault.”

The receptionist opens the vault and inside are dozens of sperm samples. The man says “ Now take one of those sperm samples and drink it” the man demands.

“ But sir...

Rookie cop pulls over an old biker…

A rookie police officer pulls an old biker over for speeding:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Biker: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it.

Off...

Why Trojans are a terrible brand name

Trojans are a terrible name for a brand of condoms. Here's why: when you think of Trojans you think of the Trojan Horse. What's the Trojan Horse do? It sneaks past your defenses, then in the middle of the night it breaks open and a whole bunch of little dudes come spilling out of it. That's exactly ...

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My girlfriend says she’s open to a lot of stuff when it comes to sex

Apparently one of those things isn’t criticism

A famous Vietnamese chef named Quan Si Ho was opening a restaurant, but couldn’t decide what to name it.

His brother Bao Ho told him: “It’s trendy to name restaurants after their best dish and the name of the chef.”

“Oh really?” said Quan.

“Yeah,” Bao said. “Like LB Steak, or Pizza Angelo. You could call yours ‘Ho Noodles’ or ‘Soup by Quan Si.’”

“That’s it!” said Quan. “I’ve thoug...

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2 college students accidentally miss the math final exam

The next day they both went to plead with their professor. He was feeling pretty good that day so he allowed them to retake it. He told them to both come back tomorrow for an oral exam. When they both showed up he told one of them to wait outside while he tests the other. So one enters and the other...

Help: best man opener

Context groom and bride are smart with money, please let me know if anything i can add to make it funnier or even if this isnt funny at all


“I would first like to thank everyone for taking time out of their busy schedules to be here. After two long years of waiting, i would like to firs...

Uvalde citizen gets pulled over

A very cute blonde was pulled over for speeding by an Uvalde motorcycle officer. When he walked up to her window and opened his ticket book, she said, "I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the policeman's Ball."

The cop replied, "No, ma'am. You're thinking of the Border Patrol , the Uval...

I drank a little too much at the bar last night, so I walked home...

Stumbled, actually. I was messing around with the keys and couldn't open the front door. After a few minutes a cop rolled up, got out of the car and asked if I was OK. "Yes, officer, just a little drunk, and trying to get into my house here" The officer asked if I was sure this was my house. "Of cou...

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I'm going to open a Scottish themed strip club...

I'm going to call it haggis, nips and titties

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A man calls his friend

Tells him, hey man! I opened my own business. Its a brothel. You should come by! Were having specials now as the business is newly opened!

\-Oh yeah? What prices do you offer?

Well, we're having a special on Anal, thats $100, BJs are also on sale, for only $20.

\-Wow, those pric...

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A man walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar, sits down at the counter and orders a beer in a glass and a beer in a thimble.
The waiter finds his request strange, but he complies.
Suddenly a tiny man comes out of the man's shirt pocket, sits down on the bar and drinks his beer from the thimble. The waiter looks at ...

The Madam opened the brothel door to see a frail, elderly gentleman.

"Can I help you?" the madam asked. "I want Natalie," the old man replied. "Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..." "No, I must see Natalie."

Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. Without blinking, the man ...

If anyone knows how to fix broken hinges..

..my door is always open.

I finally bought the limited edition Thesaurus that I've always wanted, but when I opened it, all the pages were blank.

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

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The Sexual Mosquito

A nymphomaniac woman was a regular at a sex shop, but after using their products for years she ended getting bored of the usual stuff. She asked the male cashier if there was something else out of the ordinary to try.
He suggest the Sexual Mosquito. That got her attention, so she asked on how t...

Went to the strip club at lunchtime today and it was not open.

The sign on the door said, "Sorry, we are clothed."

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A Russian communist is lying on his deathbed

His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says,

"Dimitri, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me."

"Oh, no worries buddy," says Dimitri.

The Commu...

Snoop Dogg should open up a Vietnamese-German fusion restaurant

and call it Pho Schnitzel

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Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally, sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska, as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it’s total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it, and a huge, bearded man is standing there. “Name’s Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Hav...

A guys parachute fails to open.

While he is still falling and awaiting his death, he looks down and sees another person coming from down there right in his direction.

As they both meet, the man says: "Hey, can you repair my parachute?" The other answers: "No sorry, I usually only repair gas leaks.."

Mahatma Gandhi decides to open an all you can eat buffet

After thinking about a slogan for a while he settles on:

“Gandhi’s, when hunger strikes.”

Lil Russki Joke

A little boy named Ivan lived in a small village. He was so dumb that nobody liked him. Especially the teacher who always shouted at him: "You drive me crazy, Ivan!" One day, Ivan’s mother came to school to check how he was doing. The teacher honestly told the mother that her son was just a disaster...

I want to open a Thai/Mexican/Korean fusion restaurant

It will be called Thai Cuando.

A cowboy on a long journey stops at a small town to wet his throat he ties his horse up outside the saloon and enters...

The town's folk eye him uneasily, but he makes his way to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender opens his beer and sets it down on the table. "I'd be careful if I was you. Town's folk don't take kindly to newcomers, they give em a hard time. And that's what you are is a newcomer."

"Is that...

An Irishman is walking on a beach when he stubs his toe on an old metal box

He opens the lid
And a Genie pops out and praises him for letting him out after 500 years…

He offers him a wish… and the Irishman says… every evening after dinner when I pee, I want to pee the finest Irish Whiskey…

Done says the genie and vanishes in a flash…

That evening af...

A calligrapher died peacefully in his sleep.

He soon woke up in a land of paradise. He spent the next few days exploring. Heaven was exactly as he imagined—pristine rolling hills, golden castles upon cloud tops, reunions with lost loved ones, and endless opportunities to explore one's hobbies. He had access to the finest selection of inks and ...

The psychologist said that children at a certain mental age believe that everybody knows what they’re thinking.

He used a doll to prove his point.

He placed a crayon box filled with candles on the table in front of the child. He then asked the child what was in the box. Of course the child answered crayons.

Then the psychologist opened the box to show the child that the box contained not cray...

As a butcher is shooing away a dog from his shop, he sees a $10 bill and a note in his mouth, reading: “5 lamb chops, please.”

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag
of chops in the dog’s mouth, and quickly closes the shop.

He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green
light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-
stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench.
When a bus arriv...

I asked my parachute instructor what happens if it doesn't open.

He said you're jumping to a conclusion.

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A young monk joins a monastery

He enters the building and is greeted with a sight of many hardworking monks rigorously copying from seemingly new manuscripts onto paper. He makes his way through the busy scene and heads to the head monk's quarters.

The head monk greets the new monk warmly and shows him to his writing stat...

I opened a bar for men with erectile dysfunction.

It was a total flop. Nobody came

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Uncle

A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.'What's up?' he says.'I'm having a heart attack,' cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing. his fou...

Nine Words

Once upon a time, long before any type of writing or sign language there lived an attractive young prince.

This prince, through no fault of his own, was cursed by a witch such that he was only allowed to say one word per year.

Fortunately, however, he WAS allowed to save up his words.<...

Three doctors walk into a bar…

They all sit down at the bar and order drinks.

They tell each other about some of their biggest surgeries.

The first one takes a sip of his drink and sets it down on the bar.

“I had a guy walk into the ER last week who was in a terrible construction accident. He lost his whole ...

British teenager Emma Raducanu has just won $2.5m by winning the US open final

Sadly she needed 2 band-aids and a bandage for a cut on her leg in the last game, so she still owes about $25k

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A Billionaire’s Party

A billionaire is throwing a lavish party for an elite crowd of party goers. Raging well past the midnight hour, the host heads outside and attempts to get everyone's attention by tapping his champagne glass as he walks towards the pool.

*"If you could all please direct your attention to the p...

Dad always says when one door closes another will open.

He never could figure out carpentry

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Buzz Buzz

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?' The daughter replied: 'Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this t...

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It's a couples 25th anniversary.

He comes home to find his wife on the couch wearing crotchless panties. She spreads her legs open and says "You want some of this baby!" He said "Fuck No, look what it did to your underwear!"

A chat server has been opened for world leaders to talk to one another,

and the world has fallen into chaos and Discord.

A wife comes back home to her husband only to find out that the building of her apartment has caught fire

The place is surrounded by fireman and police officers who are not letting anyone through. The wife hysterically goes forward shouting at them to let her through and that her husband was inside.

The Fireman tries to calm her down, tells her his condolences and that all the people that were i...

Making babies

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said,
'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-t...

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A sales guy rings the doorbell on a house, and the door is opened by a 12 year old, holding a glass of cognac and smoking a cigar

The sales guy is a bit stunned, but plows forward and asks, "Is your dad home?"

The kid replies, "What the fuck do you think?"

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A maid worked at the house of a very rich couple

One day, she was peacefully sweeping the floor when the phone rang. She answered it:

"Hello, who am I talking to?"

"It's me, the boss. Is my wife already home?"

"What...? I mean, yes, she's here, sir, but why are you calling? Aren't you here too?"

"What do you mean? I'm a...

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Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard and sent the ball through his neighbors window. He rang the bell but nobody answered so he opened the door to see an old lamp lying near broken glass and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch

Dylan asked, "Who are you?" The fat man replied, "I am a genie you have freed from that lamp."

Dylan questioned, "Oh man, do I get three wishes?" The genie replied, "Since you freed me by accident you only get two and I get one."

Dylan thought about it and realized what he wanted, "I w...

Three Frogs

Three frogs exploring the forest decide to find a place to sleep since it was becoming late. One of the frogs spots a house in the distance so the three head towards it. Once at the house, they find an open window and enter inside finding themselves in the bathroom. Looking for a place to sleep, the...

The geography of a woman as she ages: (from a friend)

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa .
Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe.
Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain.
Very hot, re...

I swiped right on a girl without a picture, and we matched.

# So after a brief chat i went to go pick her up. I wasn't expecting much, probably 300 lbs with bad skin, but hey, I was so desperate it was this or join an incel chatroom.

I walked up to the door and lo and behold, 5'2", baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, all the right curves in all th...

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A shepherd was herding his flock

in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie,
leaned out the window and asked the shepherd... "If I tell you exactly how
many sheep you have in your flock, ...

Stalin is trying to seduce a girl in Soviet Russia

Stalin: Tell me what you want, I will grant you any wish to be with you..

Girl: I want you to open the borders.

Stalin: Aaah, you little tease, so you want us to have some alone time..

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Two beggars are sitting on a sidewalk in Rome.

One is wearing a large cross, has rosary beads in his hand, and has a picture of the Virgin Mary. The other is wearing a kippah and tzitzit, and has a beard and side curls. The first is getting tons of money, but the second is hardly getting any. A priest comes to the second beggar, and says "you kn...

A couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnant.

A couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnant
...so they go to see a priest for advice. The priest tells them they came at the right time, since his superior just sent him to Rome for 10 years, and he's leaving tomorrow.
'As soon as I'll get there, I'll immediately light a can...

Putin was Giving a Speech to his Soldiers

When all of the sudden in the midst of a particularly moving segment, he hears a loud, uproarious sneeze coming from amongst the crowd. Putin stops speaking, glares at the soldiers, becomes very visibly annoyed, and says "Who sneezed?...".

All of the soldiers don't say anything, some of them ...

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There's heavy knocking on the door

Father opens the door and a scruffy guy stands there leaning on the porch.
Guy: Hi, my name is Fortunado and i'm here for fucking your daughter.
Father: FOR WHAT?
Guy: Fortunado.

The ring leader hired the best safe cracker for their bank job...

In criminal circles he was known to crack any safe and the police never caught him. When the day of the heist came, they entered the bank, secured the building, corralled the hostages in the bank managers office and the safe cracker proceeded to the locked vault.

After a few quick inspection...

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A man is driving down a road when he breaks down next to a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door and says "my car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and go...

Two flat tyres...

I forgot to zip up my trouser.

So a lady told me politely, "Sir, your garage is open".

I gave her a naughty smile as I zipped up and asked, "Did you see my Range Rover parked inside?".

She smiled back and said, "No, just one small Toyota with two flat tyres".

Professional Help

A woman hurried to a pharmacy to pick up the medication. When she got back to the car, she found her keys locked inside.

The woman found an old rusty coat hanger on the ground. She looked at it and said, "I don't know how to use this."

She bowed her head and asked God to send her some...

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I’m going to open a Japanese Noodle restaurant as an Italian man in a Muslim community.

The Ramen Don

How do I get rid of my ‘Check Engine’ light on my dash?

I opened the hood and it’s all there

King Arthur

King Arthur was preparing to go out on an adventure and would be away from Camelot for an indefinite period of time. But King Arthur was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those Knights of the Round Table. So he went to see Merlin to see if he had a solution.

Merlin, the wiz...

Jean-Luc Picard just opened a Chinese restaurant.

It's called Make It Tso.

A husband and wife had been married for 60 years and had no secrets except for one:

The woman kept in her closet a shoe box that she forbade her husband from ever opening. But when she was on her deathbed—and with her blessing—he opened the box and found a crocheted doll and $95,000 in cash. “My mother told me that the secret to a happy marriage was to never argue,” she explained. ...

The chief of staff of the US air force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of the armed forces. He directed that a nearby Air Force base will be open and all eligible young men and women would be invited.

As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F - 15 fighter jet, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them.

The chief of staff struck out his hand and introduced himself. He looked at the first young man and said...

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An old woman walks into a bank

She asks for a meeting with the bank manager to set up an account. She explains that she wants to deposit five million dollars.

The bank manager says "If you don't mind my asking, where do you get all of your money?"

The old woman says "I'm a professional bettor."

"So like sport...

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Someone spray painted "Pervert Lives Here" on my garage door.

Fucking vandals wasting my time.

I just opened it and there was nobody inside.

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Joe rented an apartment and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.

Joe smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. Poor Joe broke out into a sweat...

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