UPJOKE
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Open Jokes

Whats the worst thing to hear during open heart surgery?

Anything

I opened a bar for men with erectile dysfunction.

It was a total flop. Nobody came

Open letter to the mods of /r/jokes

C

Paratrooper: What happens if my parachute doesn't open?

Sergeant: Bring it back and we'll give you a new one.

My wife and I have an open relationship

Found out last night

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She wants to open an account

One day, a raggedy looking woman carrying a large paper bag walks into the bank and asks to see the bank manager.

The receptionist is hesitant, but when she sees the large amount of cash in the bag, she escorts the lady into the manager's office. The raggedy old lady says she'd like to open ...

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door..

In a panic she told her lover “Hurry, stand in the corner. Don’t move until I tell you to. Just shut your eyes and pretend you’re a statue.”

At the moment her husband walked into the room. “What’s this, honey?” he asked.

“Oh, it’s just a statue,” she replied nonchalantly. “The Smiths b...

What did Chuck Norris do when his parachute failed to open?

Brought it back for a refund.

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When Bill and Hillary Clinton got married, Bill informed Hillary that he had a shoebox under the bed, and she was never to open it under any circumstances. Hillary agreed and promised to never open the box.

Hillary respected his wish as the years went by and kept her promise. But after several years of marriage, Hillary's curiosity got the best of her. She opened the box and found several hundred dollars in cash, and a couple of empty beer cans.

She felt guilty, and confessed to Bill that she ha...

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A store opens which sells husbands (long)

A few women think this is cool and decide to try it out. When they enter in the building, an employee tells them the rules: on each floor there is a door with a list of qualities the men on that floor possess. The women must choose whether to go into that floor to shop or move up to the next floor. ...

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The FBI had an opening for an assasin

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what th...

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Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from many men.

It was laid out over five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.

The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return....

Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edges with hammer."

Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."

I was banging this hot chick on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open..

She said "it's my husband!. Quick, try the backdoor!"

Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that every day.

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My 4yr old was struggling to open his yoghurt, today.

When he suddenly mumbled, "Fucking shitty lid!". My wife immediately looked at me and said, "I wonder where he's got that from?". I said, "The fucking fridge, you silly cunt."

If you open a camp to help kids with ADHD

Is it a concentration camp?

My last relationship ended because I didn’t open the car door for her.

Instead I just swam for the surface.

During an interview, my boss-to- be said that she only had 3 openings

I said "I know"

If you want to read the Gospel according to Shrek, open your Bible to Psalm–

–BODY ONCE TOLD ME…

My granddad always used to say, “As one door closes another one opens.”

Lovely man.

Terrible cabinet maker.

A madam opened the door to her brothel....

.....to see a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties. "Can I help you?" she asked. "I want to see Natalie." the man replied. "Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else?" "No. I must see Natalie." Just then N...

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I held the door open for an old Japanese man, and he said "Sank you!"

Being able to understand his heavy accent, I replied "You're welcome."
He laughs and says "No, you misunderstand, I am taunting you about Pearl Harbor."

An unemployed engineer opens a clinic..

An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic:
"A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail."

A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.

Doc...

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Superman is out flying and sees wonder woman naked on a rooftop with her legs wide open and moaning in delight

He thinks to himself that as he is faster than a speeding bullet he can do his business with her and fly off before she knows it. He toys with the idea and decides to go for it. He swoops down fucks her with lightning thrusts and zooms off in a flash. The whole event lasts less than a second. As soo...

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A rude man walks into the bank and tells the teller: "I want to open a fucking checking account." [NSFW]

A rude man walks into the bank and tells the teller: "I want to open a fucking checking account."

The teller, upset, says "We don't tolerate language like that here."

The man asks "What's the fucking problem? It's not like anyone really gives a shit!"

The teller then leaves with...

A priest opens his confessional panel to a young boy.

The boy says, "Forgive me Father for I have sinned."
The priest asked, "What have you done, my son?"
He replies, "I threw pickles into the well."
The priest seems a little confused but says, "Very well. Say three Hail Marys and you will be forgiven."

Four more boys follow and say the...

A woman was walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out.

A cop was approaching from about a block away, thinking to himself, "Boy, my eyes must be going. It looks like that woman is hanging out of her blouse."

But, as he got closer, it became apparent that she really was hanging out her blouse.

When the officer got face to face with the woma...

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Mohammad Atta opens his eyes a second after flying his plane into the WTC

He finds himself inside a chamber, filled with a large group of angry men wearing wigs and weird costumes.

“Who, who are you?” He asked in great confusion.

A tall man strode forward and smacked his hand across his face with a vicious back hand. “I’m George Washington. This here are my...

Yesterday, a clown held the door open for me.

It was such a nice jester!

Today, I shocked the hell out of the postman by opening the door completely naked.

I’m not sure what surprised him most: my nudity, or the fact that I know where he lives.

I always knock on the fridge door before opening it

I do it just in case there's a salad dressing

After the UN summit, it was really shameful to see so many people basically openly mocking a mentally challenged child.

Though to be fair, Trump kinda had it coming.

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(Old joke) A supermarket opened up next to a small grocer and to show how much cheaper they were put a big sign out the front advertising butter.

The grocer used to sell butter for 50p a packet, but the supermarket advertised it for 49p. The next day the grocer put a big sign on the front saying:

Butter: 48p

The supermarket couldn't afford to lose face so the next day it was loudly advertising:

BUTTER, ONLY 47p

How...

A new jokes store opens up in town.

A kid walks in to check out the place early the next day. Looking all around, he sees that the store has several recognizable items (such as whoopie cushions) and some unique items that he'd never seen before. There was also a wall full of candy, with weird names such as "Hoot Gummies" and "Woof Bar...

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A man tells his friend he just opened a brothel.

“$100 for anal and $50 for a blow job”, says the man.

His friend asks “How much for the pussy?”.

“Nah” says the man, “I don’t have any employees yet”.

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(NSFW) A man walks into a bank and says to the the teller, “I want to open a fucking checking account.”

The astonished woman replies, “I beg your pardon, but we don’t tolerate language like that in this bank.”

The teller then leaves the window and walks over to her manager to explain the situation.

The manager agrees that the teller shouldn’t have to put up with that kind of language. <...

Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…

I was shocked

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OPEN LETTER TO QATAR: you’re seriously banning homosexuality at your World Cup?

Come on guys…

Tomorrow I am going to open the time capsule I buried as a kid.

I can't wait to see how big my puppy got

Did you hear about the first restaurant to open on the moon?

It had great food, but no atmosphere.

This morning at about 7:45, I was in a long line at a grocery store that opens at 8:00 for senior citizens only.

A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.

He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.

As he ap...

Open and Shut

A man’s wife disappears and he’s accused of killing her. At the trial, his lawyer tells the jury, “Ladies and gentlemen, I have amazing news. Not only is my client’s wife actually alive, but she’ll walk through that door in ten seconds."

An expectant silence settles over the courtroom, but no...

It was my birthday yesterday, and I received $500 from all the cards I opened.

I really love working in a post office.

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A sales guy rings the doorbell on a house, and the door is opened by a 12 year old, holding a glass of cognac and smoking a cigar

The sales guy is a bit stunned, but plows forward and asks, "Is your dad home?"

The kid replies, "What the fuck do you think?"

British teenager Emma Raducanu has just won $2.5m by winning the US open final

Sadly she needed 2 band-aids and a bandage for a cut on her leg in the last game, so she still owes about $25k

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A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable.

However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they can't afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can a...

"When one door closes another door opens" he said

"That's all well and good", I replied, "but until you fix it I'm not buying the car."

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I tried being polite by holding the door open for a lady

She kept yelling, "I'm peeing in here!"

What a bitch.

A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands.

When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:

"You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor or may choose to go up to the nex...

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A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.

He asks the lady, ‘Do you have a vagina?’

She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman, ‘Do you have a vagina’?

She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband g...

Did you hear about the suicide bomber performing at the comedy open mic night?

He had everyone in pieces!

I've only opened three birthday cards and I'm already £150 up!

God I love being a postman

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My wife is doing a sponsored parachute jump tomorrow and I am genuinely terrified that the chute won't open.

Last time something that big hit the earth, the fucking dinosaurs got wiped out.

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My girlfriend says she’s open to a lot of stuff when it comes to sex

Apparently one of those things isn’t criticism

I'm thinking about opening up a Swedish restaurant but my chef isn't actually Swedish

Do you think anyone will notice I'm using an artificial Swedener on my food?

when does the liquor store open?

A man calls the owner of a liquor store one evening. What time do you open the store tomorrow morning? The owner answers - we open at nine, Sir, good bye.

A few hours later the same man calls again and asks the same question, only this time he is a bit tipsy. I already told you Sir - we open...

How do you open a parachute?

I need answers quickly please.

An engineer quit his job and decided to open a clinic...

He hung a sign saying," I will cure your illness for $500 otherwise, if I fail to cure it, I will pay you $1500."

A doctor was curious and assumed that he could easily exploit this, so he walked into the clinic and told the engineer,“ I have lost my taste."

Upon hearing this, the engin...

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The Queen of England is taking a tour of an American hospital when she spots a patient furiously masturbating through an open door.

Her Majesty: "What's going on here? This is absolutely appalling."

Nurse: "Actually, Your Highness, it's for medicinal purposes. This patient has a very serious condition, and if he doesn't orgasm at least once every eight hours, his testicles will swell and cause fatal clotting."

Her ...

I'm opening a funeral parlor for people of no specific faith

I'm calling it "Die Agnostic Services."

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A man saw a lady with big breasts. He asked, "Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000?" She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner. She opens her blouse.

A man saw a lady with big breasts. He asked, "Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000?" She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner. She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes." Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?" He replies, "No, it's too e...

I went to the doctor because every time I open my eyes, I barf everywhere.

He looked me over and said it was the WORST case of SEE SICKNESS he'd ever encountered




^(made that up just now... I'm so sorry everyone)

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NSFW - A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he ...

I asked my parachute instructor what happens if it doesn't open.

He said you're jumping to a conclusion.

I want to open an all-you-can-eat Italian restaurant…

I’d call it “Endless Pastabilities.”

Why was Roy Moore waiting outside the liquor store when it opened?

He heard they had a 14 year old Brandy

An Scotsman accidentally dropped a penny into an open sewage pit

The pit was full of excrement, and after a few moments of thinking the Scotsman concluded:

"It's not worth it. I will never dive in for a penny!"

Then he checked his pockets for some change, picked two pounds and throw it to the pit:

"Now it's better" he said and jumped into the...

If a jockstrap covers a gentleman's genitals, but leaves the rear open, what do you call something that just covers the rear?

A manhole cover

I received a thesaurus in the mail today, but when I opened it all the pages were blank.

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

When Noah reached land, he threw open the ark doors and said, "Go forth and multiply".

When all the animals cleared out, only a pair of confused looking snakes remained.

"Didn't you hear me? Go forth and multiply!" Said Noah, annoyed.

"We can't" replied one of the snakes. "We're adders".

I want to open a store for used drums.

It will be called Repercussions.

My friend, Karen, and I visited a place you can stand in three states at once: Oklahoma, Kansas and Missouri. Karen opened up that she was actually in a fourth state: crippling depression. I said, "I'm so sorry"

"...but you can't count Missouri twice."

A bear opens up a grocery store in the woods

A bunny walks in the store and goes to the bear.

“Mr. Bear, mr. bear do you have strawberries?”

“No I don’t” responded the bear.

A few minutes pass and the bunny asks again.

“Mr. Bear, mr. bear do you have strawberries?”

The bear confused responds.

“You just...

What do you call a can opener that doesn't work?

A can't opener

Sinks can’t open doors

Let that sink in

Man tries to open a bank account

Teller asks him : "Your name?"
"J-j-jj-hhh-on S-ss-mm-i-tthh"
"Oh you stutter?"
"No my dad did but the person who did by birth certificate was a complete moron."

What do you call an old lady in an open relationship?

A poly Esther.

While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth. Just as he throws another peanut into the air, the front door opens, causing him to turn his head. The peanut falls into his ear and gets stuck.

His daughter comes in with her date.
The man explains the situation, and the daughter's date says, "I can get the peanut out."
He tells the father to sit down, shoves two fingers into the father's nose, and tells him to blow hard.
The father blows, and the peanut flies out of his ear.
Af...

Why a cat can't open a door that is a little bit open?

Because it's a jar and cats can't open them either

The day my daughter turns 18, I’m going to buy her a locket, put her picture in it, and when she opens it tell her:

“Well, I guess now you really are… independent".

“It feels nice to finally open up to someone”

Proctologist: “Please don’t make this weird”

*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk*

Hey bro, you should charge your milk.

I opened a tub of soft margarine and it looked just like the face of Jesus!

I showed my Indian friend and he said "I can't believe it's not Buddha".

A Bar Opened Opposite a Church.....

The Church Prayed Daily against the bar business.

Days later the bar was struck by lightning & caught fire which destroyed it.

Bar Owner Sued the Church Authorities for the cause of its destruction, as it was an action because of their Prayer.

The Church Denied all Responsib...

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A lawyer parks his sportscar on the side of a busy road. As soon as he opens the door to get out, BOOOM, an eighteen wheeler takes the driver side door clean off.

The lawyer gets out, sees the damage and immediately starts cursing the world "ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!!! I JUST PAID THEIS BITCH OFF!!! TOP OF THE LINE EVERYTHING, AND NOW IT IS RUINED!!!!! WHY GOD, WHY ME!?!?!?!" As he continues on his tirade, a bike cop pulls up, and says the the lawyer, "you ...

A man decides to put his life savings into opening an aquarium...

A young man took every penny he had and used it to open an aquarium. He worked tirelessly, growing it from a small roadside attraction into the greatest aquarium ever. Over a lifetime, he amassed the largest collection of sea life ever assembled. He and his team conducted scientific research and ran...

I got booed off stage on open mic night because of my terrible Schwarzenegger impersonation but I'm not gonna let that get to me....

I'll return

A new gym opened near me. They are currently going door to door signing up new members.

It's called Jehovah's Fitness.

An unemployed engineer opens a clinic...

He soon goes out of business, since the field is over saturated due to all the unemployed engineers opening clinics recently.

How do penguins open windows?

They drink wine

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I just found out someone opened a credit card in my name and used it to buy thousands of dollars worth of milf porn!

I think I’m a victim of identity Freud.

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A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table…

As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow.

A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table.

The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters here carry spoons in their pockets?"

The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever ...

Who are the most open-minded presidents?

Abraham Lincoln, James A. Garfield, William McKinley, and John F. Kennedy

If a husband open the car's door for his wife, it can mean one of two things.

Either the car is new, or the wife is.

I'm going to open a dollar store in England

It'll be called Pound Town.

Today is the Grand Opening of the new Lego Store.

People are lined up for blocks.

I'm opening a bar that hosts brass bands every weekend.

I'm calling it "HornPub".

They put Chuck Norris in Schroedinger's box, and when they opened it...

...he was STILL both dead and alive.

A new supermarket opened near my house.

It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing, and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.

In the meat department, there is th...

The gyms must remain open

The Constitution guarantees freedom of the press

Did Schrodinger have an open-casket funeral?

You know, just to be sure?

\[Credit to my brother\]

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A penis grew to 5ft9 and had functional arms and legs. With his new found life he opened doors, pulled out chairs and was very chivalrous.

He was a true genitalman

a german bar opened in our neighborhood

i'm a curious guy so i get in

i ask the bartender: "can i get a glass of punch?"

he says: "sir, we are german, we are efficient and practical, there's a line for each beverage"

i look over and what do you know, i see a queue for each drink!

there's a long line just for wh...

A man called Andrew moved from Cork to Dublin to open a flower shop.

He was quite successful and through great marketing, quality product, and reasonable prices, Andrew's Flowers became the top garden shop in all Dublin. Some monks that had a stall set up nearby took notice and, since attendance at the local parish (and the accompanying tithing revenue) was way down,...

I was passing by my son's bedroom and was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow, addressed to, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, I opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands...

"Dear, Dad.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.

I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy.

She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of al...

A New Pho Restaurant Opened up its second location

The proprietor, Mr. Ngo, was very excited for the opening of his new restaurant. It had been a dream of his for many years to expand his business. He wasn't very original and named his original restaurant "Ngo Pho."

However, business was great and he was soon able to open a second location o...

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A Nun was taking a bath when there was a knock at the door. "Who is it?" She asked. The voice back replies "It's the blind man, can I come in?" The Nun thinks for a moment and says "yes that's fine". The door opens and the man says.

Nice tits, where you want me to hang the blinds?

A man walks toward a barbershop and opens the door

Instead of walking in, he just sticks his head through the door and asks, “How long before I can get a haircut?”

The barber looks around the crowded shop and replies, “About three hours.”

The man leaves the shop. He returns a few days later, sticks his head in and asks the same questi...

Thinking about opening a bondage themed sandwich shop

Call that BLTDSM

If you are on a blind date, try opening with a joke you found here on this sub.

That way you can make sure it’s not some weirdo who is on Reddit.

If you're ever skydiving and your parachute fails to open don't panic

You will have the rest of your life to try and fix it

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Two openings 4 me

I Received a call from a recruitment consultancy.
She said to me: "Sir I have two openings for you...!"

I replied : Yes. I know.

There was a long silence and then she said.....

Asshole!

Then I said, I prefer the other one

My can opener quit working last night.

Guess its a cant opener now.

It was a day like any other at the office for Dave, when all of a sudden, a bear opens his door.

"We're out of coffee," says the Bear, and it left.

Dave was obviously surprised that a literal bear opened his door. He almost thought he may have been smoking something, but he brushed it off immediately. "Maybe someone is pulling a prank, I don't know." But later when he goes to the break r...

A Russian had a talking parrot that constantly trashed Putin. When the man's friends came over he'd take out the parrot and bird would stuff like "Putin is a moron", "Putin without a shirt looks like a ballerina", and "Putin cannot swim cuz sh!t floats". one day banging on the door, "KGB open up!"

The man panics and hides the parrot in the freezer. The KGB ransack the house and can't find the parrot. After they leave the man takes the parrot out of the freezer and says "you see how stupid the government is". The parrot shaking start saying "Putin is a genius", and "Putin is the best democrati...

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I hate it when you hold the door open for people

And all they can say is, "Oh fucking hell, I can see you having a shit!"

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Why did Peanut butter not open the door for the Jelly?...

Because it was already ajar.

(Sorry, I'm a dad.)

My friend said, “Do you want to come see my band play this weekend? The doors open at 8.”

Me: How’s that possible? I thought Jim Morrison was dead.

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I’m opening a Tom Petty themed Japanese Restaurant

It’ll be called, “Udon, know how it feels”

New local fusion restaurant opened. The chef decided to leave classical music for high food.

His most delicious dish yet was the ciabatta and fugu in a meuniere.

My wife emailed me our wedding photos, but I couldn’t open any of the files.

I always have trouble with emotional attachments.

A guy opens up a bakery specializing in pies.

He calls it Fool’s Gold Bakery. The slogan is “We do Pyrite.”

The British Flat Earth society opened a branch in the US

It is called Apartment Earth Society.

The cast of Friends has reunited to open a DVD shop

A man walks in and says, “My Netflix subscription just ran out. Do you have the latest season of You?”

The staff points to a corner of the shop and says, “Aisle B there for You.”

Peyton Manning is opening a bakery.

As a special promotion, he's giving away turnovers.

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A LAWYER is getting out of his BMW when a semi rolls by, taking the open door clean off. A nearby cop has seen all of this, and runs over.

The lawyer immediately starts screaming and gesticulating about the value of his beamer and how much it’s going to cost him to get it fixed.

The cop loses his patience and says, “You lawyers are so materialistic. All you care about is money!”

The lawyer is incensed and says, “How dare...

How do blind people know when to open their parachute?

When the dog's leash goes slack.

You know why the gates of heaven are always left open?

Cuz Jesus was raised in a barn!

Merry Christmas everyone!

A parachutist has just jumped from a plane and his chute doesn't open.

As he is plummetting earthwards and trying to get the parachute to open, he is surprised to see someone heading up towards him. He calls out "Hey! Do you know anything about parachutes?"

"No," says the other. "Do you know anything about gas stoves?"

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Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard and sent the ball through his neighbors window. He rang the bell but nobody answered so he opened the door to see an old lamp lying near broken glass and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch

Dylan asked, "Who are you?" The fat man replied, "I am a genie you have freed from that lamp."

Dylan questioned, "Oh man, do I get three wishes?" The genie replied, "Since you freed me by accident you only get two and I get one."

Dylan thought about it and realized what he wanted, "I w...

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