UPJOKE
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Such Jokes

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My wife is such an idiot

My wife is such an idiot.She went on a business trip yesterday and took a whole pack of condoms with her.

She doesn't even have a penis.

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Is finding out your spouse sucked hundreds of dicks before getting married really such a big deal?

Or is my wife overreacting?

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A married man keeps telling his wife "Honey, you have such a beautiful butt"

Every person in the town agrees that she does have a very beautiful butt. The man's birthday is coming up so she decides to take a trip to the tattoo parlor and get the words "Beautiful butt" tattooed on her ass.

She walks in and tells the tattoo artist he husband thinks she has a beautiful b...

My Son is such a c**t...

I bought him a new trampoline for Christmas and all he wants to do is sit in his wheelchair and cry.

Why is there no such thing as reverse cowgirl in Alabama?

Because you never turn your back on your own family.


Thank you guys for gold and silver! :)

America is going through such bad luck at the moment

It's as if the whole country were built on haunted Indian burial grounds...

Why do the Lannisters have such big beds?

They push two twins together to make a king.

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one asked - Where did you get such a great bike?

The second one replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike".

She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want".

The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice, the...

For my cake day, a joke I made up as a kid: Why is Aquaman such a dedicated super hero?

Because he was born with a sense of porpoise.

A 60 year millionaires is getting married. His friends are jealous and one of them ask how he landed such a hot 23 year old blonde beauty...

"Simple", grins the millionaire.

" I faked my age".

His friends are really amazed and ask him what age he told her...

he replies: " I said i was 87"

Why do mice have such small balls?

Because not many of them know how to dance.

My girlfriend's such a bad cook,

she uses the smoke alarm as a timer.

How did Jesus stay in such great shape?

Crossfit

Why do the Lannisters have such big beds?

They pushed two twins together to make a king.

I'm a 5G installation engineer and people are constantly accusing me with bizarre conspiracy theories, such as how 5G is giving them headaches, or killing their sperm. I think they are completely crazy.

4G must've fried their brains.

Why are people acting like Kamala Harris is the first woman to obtain such a high ranking position in the US Government?

Have we all forgotten that Monica Lewinsky was directly under Bill Clinton?

My friend is such a big fan of the Royal Family, each of his four sons are named after a king.

**Henry**

**George**

**Charles**

**Burger.**

Christians are such hypocrites.

I saw a bumper sticker that said "I stand up for **GOD!**" but that dude was totally sitting in his car.

Why do geologists make such good friends?

Because they’re gneiss

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Why does Japan have such low obesity rates?

Because the last time a fat man was there a whole city blew up.

Climate change is such a joke...

Even the Antarctic ice sheets are cracking up.

A dog and a cat are having an argument on who is the favorite of humans. The dog says, "Humans like us more. They even named a tooth (canine) after us. Naming such an important body part after us shows that they like us more."

The cat smiles and says, "You are really not going to win this one you know."

My Neighbor is such an a**hole...

He knocked on my door at 3AM!!3AM!
Lucky for him, I was still awake playing on my drums.

Why do some presidents make such great fishermen?

They know exactly how to rig the poles,
tell tall tails, and lie about the size of their cache.

Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject.

Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.

Boss: There are no such things as problems. Only opportunities.

Me: Ok. I have a huge drinking opportunity.

I'm such a chronic procrastinator....

...that I got a birthmark when I was seven.

Guys come on, we shouldn't give fat people such a hard time.

They have enough on their plate already.

Why are Mexicans such prolific writers?

Because they finish every sentence with an essay.

Why are skeletons such bad liars?

Because you can see right through them.

Why do farmers have such strong legs?

Because they are calf-raising.

I have such a great memory.

I can't even remember the last time I forgot something.

If abortion is such a mature subject,

why does it bring out people's inner child?

There no such thing a fully committed Jew.

Most of them are only Jew-ish.

Why does galvanization take such a long time?

I don't know, but I think it's starting to zinc in!

Why did Pavlov have such nice hair?

He conditioned it.

People make such a big deal about vegans, but I don't get it.

I've never had a beef with one.

Pat Robertson was such a hypocrite

He claimed to be pro-life and died

Why did the pot farmer have such ugly fields?

He was afraid to use a weed whacker.

Why did the quantum physicist have such toned abs?

Because they planck constant.

Why is the kia Carnival named as such?

Because when you have a eleven seater car, and it is your family car, YOU ARE DAMN RIGHT IT WILL BE A CARNIVAL.

Obesity is such a problem in Florida...

They had to add a SIT your ground law

During interviews he seems like such a nice guy, but the actor who plays Wolverine is a real phoney

It’s a huge act, man..

Why do gorillas have such big finger?

Because they have such big nostrils!

Why does Indiana Jones have such a hard time getting a girlfriend?

Bad dates.

I went to a Indian restaurant last night. After I had ordered, a little old lady came to me and said, "Aren't you polite. You have such lovely manners."

It was my complimentary nan

The United States doesn't use torture techniques such as water boarding

The prefer the term "tactical baptism"

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My wife is such a slob...

Every time I go to the sink to take a piss, it's full of dishes.

My son is such a prick. I bought him a trampoline and he won't even jump on it.

He just sits in his wheelchair and cries.

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My friend is such a dick

He took viagra and got taller

This is such a horrible time for the NRA

First schools are closed, and now this.

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"You know how I realized I had such a great butt?"

Because every time I would walk away after meeting a group of ladies I could hear them say, " what an ass"

My dad was such a proud union member his whole life …

When I was a kid, he began every story with “Once upon a time-and-a-half …”

I once asked my 97 year old grandfather what his secret was to such a long life.

He said, "I'm just waiting until I can afford a burial service."

Why do woman have such bad memories during their period?

Because one day bleeds into the next.

How did the pirate afford such a big boat?

It was on sail.

Why were the gassy mummies such great friends?

They had Tutankhamen.

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My friend is such a homophobe…

He thinks the Trans-Siberian Orchestra is a band of cross dressing Russians.

Why are quantum physicists such bad lovers?

When they find the position, they can’t find the momentum. And if they do find the momentum, then they can’t find the position.

It was such an emotional wedding...

Even the cake was in tiers.

Why did the conspiracy theorist have such strong legs?

Because he spent so much time jumping to conclusions

History is such a boring subject..

You never learn something new.

Why does the mailman work for such a low salary?

Its not about the money. Its about Sending a message

Why is india such a peaceful country?

There is no beef there

Why is Stephen such a neutral name?

Because its pH is in the middle.

Rick Astley is such a nice guy

He'll let you borrow any of his Disney Pixar DVD collection! Except Up!

He's Never Gonna Give You Up

I'm such a genius...

I know everything about the Dunning-Kruger effect!

Some people are such treasures

That you just want to bury them

Why do mountain ranges make such good comedians?

Because they're HILL-AREAS!

The shovel was such a great invention.

It was truly groundbreaking.

Why does Santa have such a big sack?

For all the toys he brings to the good little girls and boys.



What were you thinking, you perv?!?

Why does Santa have such a big sack?

Cuz he only comes once a year

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I have such low self-esteem that

When I'm having sex, I fantasize that I'm someone else

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My wife was really pissed that I have such a bad sense of direction.

So I packed my bags and right.

The United States has such bad luck

It's almost as if it was build on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.

Why did Sweeney Todd’s wife have such a hard time keeping her restaurant staffed?

Employee turnover.

They always say that daylight savings is such a great idea

I give it six months

Why did Aaron Paul do such a good job portraying Jesse Pinkman in Breaking Bad?

Because he’s a meth-head actor.

I don't get why money is such a taboo in job interviews.

It would be much easier if they just accepted my bribe.

Bernie Sanders is such a socialist...

...he gave Hillary Clinton half the votes in Iowa.

A friend sent me a message the other day, "Your dog is such a lovely angle."

Acute dog, indeed.

I used to sell office supplies to the mafia, file cabinets and label makers and such

I was involved in very organized crime

Why did Pluto have such a terrible vacation?

Because he didn’t planet well.

I watched such a sad movie in the cinema today

Even the seats were in tiers

why are all ducks such terrible doctors ?

they are all quacks.

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Why are vampires such jerks?

Because they are incapable of self reflection.

Why are stadiums such cool places?

Because they are full of *fans*

There’s such a gap between men’s and women’s sports.

The difference is nuts!

I heard that science has discovered a way to reverse the behavior of Pinocchio’s nose, such that genuine statements make it grow.

Huge if true.

Hollywood is such a fake industry

Just a bunch of paid actors

Why do hurricanes get such boring names, like Sandy?

Name that thing Hurricane Death Megatron 900 and I guarantee people will be evacuating like rats.

my grandad was such a sweet person on the inside

it's a shame we didnt notice before the diabetes killed him

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Why does Japan have such strict BMI regulations?

They remember what the first fat man did to them.

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"Babe, a tiny penis isn't such a big deal.."

"I don't know Jenny.. I kinda wished you didn't have one at all.."

Why is buying raw iron such a pain in the ass?

I don't know. It's just a real ore deal.

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Why does japan have such a Low birth rate?

Because the last time they saw a little boy, 90000 people died

Absolutely loved Malcolm in the Middle. Such a great show.

Not like it’s super sad sequel, Malcom’s Now The Oldest

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Q: Do you know why Michael J. Fox makes such good milkshakes?

A: Because he uses really good ingredients, what did you think asshole?

Hotel receptionists always seem to be such massive perverts

They spend all day checking people out.

There are two kinds of people: those who say there is no such thing as infinite recursion, and those who say

"There are two kinds of people: those who say there is no such thing as infinite recursion, and those who say

"There are two kinds of people: those who say there is no such thing as infinite recursion, and those who say

"There are two kinds of people: those who say there is no such th...

Why are horses such high performers?

... because they are brought up in stable environments!

Credit: my wife!

Schools should teach useful things such as parenting skills to children.

Okay, that's not a good idea. Children will immediately realize that they have bad parents.

Which kind of flowers are such excellent talkers?

Tulips. (Because they have two lips.)

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My wife and I recently agreed to a Hall Pass system, but she made such a stupid choice.

I told her that the two women I picked were Scarlett Johansson and Gal Gadot.

But instead of celebrity hunks, my wife went with the 2 guys who cut our grass.

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I feel like porn has given me such unrealistic expectations for sex... for example,

having it with another person

Why does Santa have such a hard time with chimneys?

Because he's Klaustrophobic.

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There’s no such thing as a virgin bird.

They’ve all been laid at least once.

It’s not fair that procrastination gets such a bad rap.

It has literally kept me alive for years.

A plumber fixes a damaged pipe in a doctor's house and asks for 200 dollars. Doctor says to him: "Even i, don't make so much money in such a short period and i'm a doctor".

And the plumber goes: "I know sir. I used to be a doctor myself"

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A married couple was on holiday in a remote part of the Arab country side. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with an Arabian accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop."

So the couple walked in and the shopkeeper says to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. They have special power. Dey make you wild at sex like a great desert camel." Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the shopkeeper claimed, but he...

Why is a UTI such a bad thing?

Because it means urine trouble

Slavery is such an ugly word...

I prefer the term lifetime unpaid internship.

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Such a Weird Religion!

In a feast, a Catholic priest was sat next to a Jewish man.

The priest, who wanted to make fun of the Jew, put some bacon on his dish and said:

\- Sir, would you like some of this bacon?

\- Thanks, but don't you know pork is not allowed in my religion?

\- Wheeeew, such a ...

What makes Pokémon such terrible roommates?

Some of them pikachu

Why are all the nuclear byproducts such an issue?

They are not. Just barium.

People in France have such bad pronunciation

They called me a bigot I'm pretty sure they meant baguette.

Why is 2 such a romantic number?

Because it's <3

Why do soldiers have to wear such fancy uniforms?

Because they don’t allow civilian casual tees!

My wife told me, There's no such things as problems, just opportunities. "

That's great, I thought. Well, I have a serious drinking opportunity !!

My girlfriend has such a neck fetish,

she barely cares about me she just likes my neck. She's a necromancer.

It's not my fault I'm such a pessimist.

My blood type is B Negative.

Why is Darth Vader such a spoilsport at Christmas?

Because he feels everyone's presents.

Why are pirates such good singers?

Because they hit the high C's.

A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, “In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.”

But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”

I became such an expert in how to park a car

I'm now known as Parking

Why was the Catholic priest in such good shape?

He exorcised.

Finnish is such a beautiful language.

There's a word, Kalsarikännit, which basically means 'getting drunk in your underwear'. This tells you all you need to know about Finland, and my current state of affairs.

I am such a terrible person

Yesterday my friend told me, "I don't think my grandpa can make it"

Me: "What's he making ?"

Mail workers are such terrible strikers

They always keep hitting the post

Scientists recently discovered that there's no such thing as gravity...

This planet just sucks.

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