Three old spinsters die and go to heaven and at the Pearly Gates, they are met by St Peter. He says: “Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives that I’m granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be.”

The first spinster says: “I want to be Sophia Loren.”

With a bang, she’s gone.

The second says: “I want to be Madonna.”

She also disappears immediately.

The third says: “I want to be Sara Pipalini.”

St Peter looks perplexed. “Who?” he says.

“Sara Pipalini,” ...

Why does Santa have such a big sack?

Because he only comes once a year.

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What could possibly be making such a seductive sound?

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he he...

Yo mama such a ho she got fired from the sperm bank...

...for drinking on the job.

Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject.

Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.

Why are birds such great improvisers?

They're always wingin' it.

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Such a Weird Religion!

In a feast, a Catholic priest was sat next to a Jewish man.

The priest, who wanted to make fun of the Jew, put some bacon on his dish and said:

\- Sir, would you like some of this bacon?

\- Thanks, but don't you know pork is not allowed in my religion?

\- Wheeeew, such a ...

You’re such a bad comedian...

...you steal jokes from r/jokes

How does spider man think of such intelligent comebacks?

Because with great power comes great response ability.

Why do mice have such small balls?

Because not many of them know how to dance.

My newborn son made such a fuss when the doctor cut his umbilical cord.

It seems he had really grown attached to it.

Meeting with the eye surgeon is such a scam, I paid over $500 just for the consultation!

And I still don't know who I'm seeing.

Why is Yoda such a good gardener?

Green thumbs, he has.

Why do KGB agents make such good taxi drivers?

You get in and they already know your name and where you live.

I remember as a child my parents filling my head with nonsense such as the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, and the Tooth Fairy.

Now I dont believe in any of that made up rubbish, thank God.

Climate change is such a joke

Even the Antarctic ice sheets are cracking up.

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I had such a strange dream last night...

everything was reversed. Vegans were eating meat. Christians were having un-married sex. Bodybuilders were fat and eating junk food. And the weirdest of all I was getting laid.

I have such low self esteem

When I take a shower I realize how people missed opportunities to cleverly insult me

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Why does Japan have such a low obesity rate?

Because last time there was a Fat Man, 8000 people died.

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My little brother Jimmy is such an ungrateful fuck.

I purchased a trampoline for him yesterday and all he’s done since is cry in his wheelchair.

Why are Spain such a good football team?

Because no one ever expects The Spanish Inposition!

Why is “Walden” such a good read?

Because the author is very Thoreau.

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During the 60’s Michael Caine hosted some really wild parties. At one such party he had all the coolest people there, taking drugs, drinking and having a crazy time.

‘Alright jim’ he said to Jim Morrisson ‘are you and the boys enjoying the party?’. ‘Yeah its great, man’. ‘Well its going to get better. Ive got a girl in the bedroom who will suck all your dicks’ said Caine ‘Really? That’s great!’ replied Morrisson. So he and the band went into Michael’s bedroom....

All my friends have such expansive bucket lists.

Mine is just a little pail in comparison.

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"Sexual favor" is such a weird term.

"Hey i need a favor."

"Oh, you need like a ride or something?"

"Yeah kinda."

How did Jesus stay in such great shape?

Crossfit

Why is india such a peaceful country?

There is no beef there

Why does everyone have such an issue with Russian satellites?

It’s none of our business if they want to build a Death Tzar

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There was once a cannibalistic Japanese serial killer who killed and ate my mother. I asked why he would do such a thing.

He said, I just love the taste of Umami.

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Adolf Hitler and my wife have the same birthday. It's crazy to think that such a loathsome figure, who ruined the lives of so many people...

Shares the same birthday as Adolf Hitler.

On second thought, maybe Communist America wouldn’t be such a bad idea...

We could all stand to lose a few pounds.

Trump has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let ...

Vampires need to stop turning their victims at such a young age.

Help end Premature Draculation.

Why is parking at game companies such an issue?

They have loading zones only.

Why did Kevin Hart have such a short stay in the hospital?

He has the money to pay for adequate medical service

Why do Mathematicians Make such good farmers?

They know how to use a protractor

why do pupils have such a long life span?

because they dilate

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar...

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous."

"Oh c'mon" says mathematician #...

A young kid came upto me and said "Can I please have a cigarette?" I was astonished.

Kids these days have such great manners

There is a reason why "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is such a well known song.

The desire to sing it is only ever a whim away.

A whim away.

A whim away a whim away.

I'm such a chick magnet...

...that i repel them.

Do you know why China is such a great and loving country?

Because they have a very friendly and open minded government. All voices are heard and everyone is welcome , we are treated very well and our country is in a stable position. (Post this to a website to increase your social score and to increase international investment , remove this last part)

Why are pirates such good singers?

They hit the high c's...

With all of the shows such as Black-ish, Mixed-ish, and Grown-ish, TV executives have announced a new show about the people of an island in the North Atlantic.

They are going to call it Ir-ish.

There are two sorts of people: those who say there is no such thing as infinite recursion, and those who say...

"There are two sorts of people: those who say there is no such thing as infinite recursion, and those who say...

My son's kindergarten teacher is such a hardass, she failed him on his alphabet test even though he got 25/26.

He still doesn't know y.

Two engineering students were walking across campus...

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one asks, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replies, "Well, it was the craziest thing. I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up, threw the bike to the ground, took off...

Two women are talking. First woman: my new beau is such a gentleman, he is always calling me ‘fair lady’

Second woman: that’s only because he’s a bus driver!

The Pope dies and arrives in Heaven

St. Peter awaits him. St. Peter asks who he is.

The Pope: "I am the pope."

St. Peter: "Who? There's no such name in my book."

The Pope: "I'm the representative of God on Earth."

St.Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me ..."

The Pope: "But I am t...

I often ask myself questions, such as "Where did we come from?", "Why am I here?", "Where am I going?"

"Am I a terrible Uber driver?"

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"Babe, a tiny penis isn't such a big deal.."

"I don't know Jenny.. I kinda wished you didn't have one at all.."

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Hear me out, Hitler wasn't such a bad guy...

I mean, he killed Hitler after all!

[Easter Joke] Q: What kind of exercise did Jesus do to get such good abs?

A: Crossfit

‘Whaling is the hunting of whales for their usable products such as meat and blubber.’

\[ CETACEAN NEEDED \]

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A priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed.

“Very well, my child,” says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, “Tell me about your sins.”

“Well, Father,” says the guy, “On Monday, I was at my girlfriend’s house, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned, Father.”

“Don’t worry, child,” says the...

There was an old man who lived by a forest.

As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting.

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the...

I noticed that people under the age of 20 are strongly gravitating towards 60s classic rock by well-known bands, such as The Who.

I'm not trying to cause a big sensation, I'm just talking 'bout my generation.

Why does Edam have such a unique taste?

Because it's made backwards

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A beautiful woman is sitting next to a teenage boy on a plane.

There is terrible turbulence and then the plane goes into a sudden nose dive. The Captain comes on the intercom and says “I hate to have to tell you this folks, but we might not walk away from this one.”

Everyone begins to panic except for the boy who sheepishly turns to the woman and says, ...

Why do the Lannisters have such big beds?

They push twins together to make a king.

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A pretty blonde walks into a bar and asks the handsome fellow at the bar what he's drinking...

He says, "Magic beer. You want one?"
"Aw, that's stupid. There's no such thing" she says.
"Look, I'll show you". He takes a big swig and proceeds to throw himself  out of a nearby window, where he proceeds to fly up and around the  building, and back into bar window.
"That's incredibl...

Me- "Do you know in middle east most of married girls can't even vote on Facebook opinion poll".

Friend- "That's not true, there is no such law anywhere in middle east".
Me- "Yeah, but you need to be above 13 to use Facebook".

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An Elderly British Couple Takes a Trip to Australia

After seeing the beaches and tourist attractions they decided to rent a car to go and see the Outback. They ask the man at the rental car counter if it's a pleasant drive, and he assures them that it is beautiful and they'll have a lovely time.

After several hours the couple storm into the r...

Why do narcissists take such blurry photos?

They can only focus on themselves.

Anne is such a great actress.

You might say...she Hathaway with words.

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I feel like porn has given me such unrealistic expectations for sex... for example,

having it with another person

A man's fence is broken and he needs to hire someone to fix it

So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.

He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to los...

Why is the priest glad Little Johnny has such short legs?

Because he always ends up asking to have his stool pushed in.

My wife cheated on me with the garbage man

I asked her how she could do such a thing and she said "He actually pays attention to me, he takes me out!" I replied, "That's because it's his job, honey."

I went to the doctor to see why I had such a big fear of snakes...

He said I have a reptile dysfunction.

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Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a "for sale" sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. "Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and i...

In the early 1900s, there were a number of deaths caused by people putting themselves in and trying to escape risky situations such as being handcuffed underwater etc. People blamed Harry Houdini, but I don't think he was really responsible...

...he was just the escape G.O.A.T.

Composers are such hypocrites

They compose when they are alive and decompose when they are dead!

We live in such an uncaring society. The other day I was in the park watching an old man feed the birds

After a while I thought to myself: “I wonder how long he’s been dead?”

A boy named Carol had a particularly rough childhood because of his uncommon name. He always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school. Eventually, he overcame his hang-up and married his high-school sweetheart.

When their first child was born, he let his wife name her.

She named the baby girl "Love" inspired in the same spirit as Carol's unique name.

Unfortunately, Love grew up and endured much of the same teasing that Carol did, because of her strange name.

She came home from school...

I'm such a loser, that if I joined a contest for losers I'd be 2nd.

I won't be the 1st since I'm a freaking loser.

Some people don’t know why the black hole picture is such a big deal...

Honestly, they just don’t get the gravity of it.

Why do the French wear such big underwear?

It's easier to make white flags.

The Germans have developed a talking bread, but it only uses informal greetings such as "tag" or "morgen".

It's guten-free bread.

Why do necromancers make such good friends?

Because they're great at raising people's spirits.

A man was sitting in traffic when a cop knocked on his window.

He rolled down the window and asked the officer: "Why is there such a traffic jam?"

Officer: "A group of terrorists kidnapped a few politicians and are blocking the road. They have threatened to burn the politicians alive in 1000 gallons of gasoline if they don't get a 5 million dollar ransom...

Such a drag

Drunk guy, sitting at a bar, gets cut off. When he goes to stand up and protest, he falls flat on his face. Saying to himself, “Holy sh!t I’m boxed!” When he goes to pick himself up he finds that he can’t stand up. So, he drags himself all the way back home. When he’s finally there, bloody knees and...

The Dominican Republic is such a great vacation spot

People are dying to see it.

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I don't know why sex with customers is such a big deal

Well, anyway, I lost my job at the cemetery.

My Son is such a c**t...

I bought him a new trampoline for Christmas and all he wants to do is sit in his wheelchair and cry.

My Kids are such over achievers

They even get the extra chromosome

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!

Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him.

Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're ...

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A policeman is training three men, Bob, Don, and Rod, to become detectives.

The policeman flashes an image of a suspect at Bob for five seconds, and then asks him, "This is your suspect. How will you catch him?"

Bob replies, "Well, sir, that's easy! He only has one eye!"

The policeman replies, "That's because the photo I showed you is his profile! He doesn't h...

Ugh, French people are such cowards

I saved one and he just kept begging for mercy

I have such issues with Panic! At The Disco.

They’re teaching people to follow a single path when really, you can panic anywhere.

Whose soul did Ed Sheeran have to sell to become such a famous singer?

Because it certainly wasn't his

Why do shoes make such bad politicians?

Because they have soles.

Why are drag queens such good swimmers?

Because they're very flambuoyant.

I was joking around with my girlfriend the other day, and she asked me how she got 'such a hot boyfriend ;)'

So should I break up with her for cheating or...?

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A guy from Apple promised me a pre-release of a new product if I sucked his cock this morning. As if I would compromise my values for such a materialistic item!

Sent from my iPhone XI

My Life has been nothing but a disappointment. The Last 5 Years looked promising, but no such luck. After trying My Best, I've decided if One More Thing upsets me again, I'm calling it Quits.

Hmm, maybe I should start giving my race horses normal names.

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A sailor meets a pirate in a bar.

They take turns boasting about their great conquests and adventures on the ocean. The sailor is curious about the pirate's peg leg, hook, and eyepatch.

"How did you end up with a peg-leg?" he asks.

"We were in a storm and I was swept overboard. I started climbing back onto the ship, bu...

Why is Yoda such a good gardner?

Because he has two green thumbs.
(happy May the 4th)

A man was fresh out of accounting school and went to an interview for a good paying job. The company boss asked various questions about him and his education, but then asked him: “What is three times seven?”

“Twenty-two,” the man replied.

After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator and realised he wouldn’t get the job.

About two weeks later, he got a letter that said he was hired for the job! He was not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, but was still very curious. The next d...

A mathematician opens a bakery

and does a fine job making sure the goods are absolute delights and well priced for such. However, one day his customers walk in to see that the price of pies has doubled from the day prior, Furious, they ask why, and the owner says, “Well, I realized that I was charging for one pie but selling two!...

It’s such a hassle for people to have to bend over their drinks.

We really need to raise the bar.

Why does China have such a big population of 1bn people?

Because their condoms are "Made in China"

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Why are fishermen such wankers?

Coz they're master baiters.

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A sailor and a priest are playing golf...

The sailor takes a shot. He places the ball down, smacks it with the club, and watches as it goes flying straight into a sand trap. The sailor mumbles to himself

“Fuck, I missed...”

The priest, hearing him, immediately snaps round and says

“Young man! Please do not use such awf...

European commission

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and ha...

What has such good ads that even if people order but never get it they spend years telling people how much it's improved their lives?

religion

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Golf is such a discriminatory sport

I grew up in the glory days of Tiger vs. Phil and I always admired what that man had overcome to get to the heights of the sport's mountaintops. He was just like me, except for my whole life, I'd never felt accepted on the golf course. People would give me weird looks when I'd try to play and the pe...

Gravity is such a disappointment.

It always lets me down.

America is going through such bad luck at the moment

It's as if the whole country were built on haunted Indian burial grounds...

Why is the guy who can suck himself off such a narcissist?

Because he's full of himself

Millions of years ago, there was no such thing as the wheel.

One day, some primitive guys were watching their wives drag a dead mastodon to the food & fire area. It was exhausting work; the guys were getting tired just watching.

Then they noticed some large, smooth, rounded boulders and they had a great idea! They could sit on top of the boulders a...

Why is PETA such an inefficient organization?

They refuse to kill two birds with one stone

An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing the other day: "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

Why do the Midlands have such a distinctive odour?

'Cause they're full of Ol' Factory towns.

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One day a guy dies...

...and finds himself in hell. Walking around, he runs into the devil.

Devil: Why are you so sad?

Guy: Why do you think? I'm in hell.

Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Devil: Well ...

I am such an idiot.

I took a date to the movies the other night. When the message came up on the screen to silence our cell phones, my date looked frustrated. She stood up and started to leave.

I said, "What's wrong? You can't sit through a movie without your phone on?"

"No," she said, "I left it in the c...

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