For my cake day, a joke I made up as a kid: Why is Aquaman such a dedicated super hero?

Because he was born with a sense of porpoise.

Why are people acting like Kamala Harris is the first woman to obtain such a high ranking position in the US Government?

Have we all forgotten that Monica Lewinsky was directly under Bill Clinton?

The White House has suddenly turned into such a polite place.

Everyone is going around saying, "Pardon me."

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Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?

Because he only cums once a year.

Why did Quasimodo make such a great detective?

He always had a hunch.

Pakistan is such a weird country

It's a Muslim country but their capital is Islamabad?

The shovel was such a great invention.

It was truly groundbreaking.

I'm a 5G installation engineer and people are constantly accusing me with bizarre conspiracy theories, such as how 5G is giving them headaches, or killing their sperm. I think they are completely crazy.

4G must've fried their brains.

Why do cinnamon sticks have such great stock advice all the time?

Because there all in cider, trading.

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Why Does A Penis Have Such A Difficult Life?

His closest friends are nuts, his backdoor neighbor is an asshole, and he has to regularly take a beating.

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Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and politely asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and politely asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

"Well," replied the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Trump frowned, and...

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Why are people from Alabama such generous lovers?

Because family always cums first

Jack, a renown atheist, dies and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself. Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith". Satan laughs and replies: Awh it's not so bad.

He then proceeds to escort Jack through a beautiful lush green plain with flowers, scattered here and there there's a bunch of houses where other "damned" live. As they pass through each house the inhabitants recognize Satan and invite them inside for a drink and a chat, a request that's always gran...

Why was Harry Potter such a good computer programmer?

Because he spoke python.

Haha
Haha

This is such a horrible time for the NRA

First schools are closed, and now this.

My husband commented on the new store that is being built nearby: “That’s a nice looking Aldi!”

I told him it just looks like Aldi others.

...

Sorry y’all. It’s been such a bad day, and this little exchange my hubby and I had earlier had us both laughing probably more than we should have. Hope it makes one of you out there smile too.

Why is there no such thing as reverse cowgirl in Alabama?

Because you never turn your back on your own family.


Thank you guys for gold and silver! :)

Why is Cheetara such an easy lay?

Because ThunderCats are loose.

When I was a kid, I used to believe in such nonsense as Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, and the Easter Bunny.

Now that I've grown older, I don't believe in that rubbish anymore, thank God.

Freud is such an incesting guy.

Interesting! I meant interesting.

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How does japan have such a low obesity rate?

Last time Japan had a fatman it didn't end well...

Theres no such thing as a Communist economy

There is however, a thing such as an communist economOURS

Every other country simply does not understand why the United States keeps making such a big deal about 9/11...

"Never forget", "Fallen Heroes", "forever in our hearts",

Big woop, it means nothing to us.

the 9th of November is just as boring as any other day

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Why was working in the butter factory such a high stress job?

Because there was no margarine for error.

A Sensitive Guy (NSFW-ish)

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.


They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the ...

Why is Covid-19 such a problem for Republicans?

Because people that can't breathe turn blue.

My fortune teller is such a fraud, said my dad would live a long life but he died at 51

I wish my dad could live longer like our chef who completed 73 years yesterday.

Sometimes I have such a hard time remembering my favorite Celine Dion song

..but it's all coming back to me now.

“Hey, why do you still work as a mailman despite having such a low salary?”

“It’s not about the money, it’s about sending a message.”

One of my band members asked why I was using such a thin plectrum...

I told him it was slim pickin’s at the music shop.

My girlfriend was feeling down and said "I'm such a negative person what if I drive you away?"

I reassured her and said "babe, that'll never happen; I have no place else to go"

Scientists say they may be able to synthesize a completely clean biofuel using the enzymes in finely shredded fungi, such as mushrooms...

Some critics have questioned the ethics of the process, but admit they are comforted by the researchers’ strong Morel fibre.

Scientists recently discovered that there is no such thing as gravity

The Earth just sucks

My girlfriend told me that there is no such thing as problems, only opportunities.

That's great because I have a serious drinking opportunity.

A college engineering student shows up with a new bike

"Woah where did you get such a nice bike?" his fellow engineering student asked.

"I was walking down the street last night and this girl on her bike came up to me started taking off her clothes and said 'its all yours' so I just took the bike" he said.

His friend replied "Good choice b...

If abortion is such a mature subject,

why does it bring out people's inner child?

Given that the “logy” ending usually means the study of something such as in “paleontology”...

Do you think that the first analogy was discovered by a proctologist?

Trump ends up in hell...

Trump dies from the virus. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as...

Why are cows such great coworkers?

Because they’re out standing in their field.


My 8-year-old nephew said this joke today and he can’t stop laughing. I thought you all would enjoy it.

A man drives a train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder

So, he’s on death row and the executioner approaches him.

“What would you like for your last meal?”

“I would like a banana please.”

The executioner thinks it’s weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits a while, and gets strapped into the electric c...

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I’m such a nice guy but my crush would rather move to Africa and date a huge jerk.

Probably some Chad.

Why do dyslexic chess players have such fresh breath?

Because they're so good at finding Tic Tacs.

Why are Australians such confident baseball players?

They’re always being told “good eye”


Yes I realize this is stupid :)

There's a boy named Bonnie...

There’s a boy named Bonnie.

He is made fun of throughout high school because of his weird name, and so he is become very shy.

But he has a crush on a girl and works up the courage to ask her out.

She says yes, and he is so happy.


After years of dating, he works up ...

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I had such a horrible day at work. Some dick head spilled milk on me. Rude right?

How dairy.

Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject...

... now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow. :/

Why did Pluto have such a terrible vacation?

Because he didn’t planet well.

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Once there lived a horny man (NSFW)

There was once a horny man, who always wanted to suck the Queen's tits. He kept fantasizing, but he knew that he could never do it. He got a friend who was in the King's Palace, so he decided to ask him for help. The Friend agreed to help the horny man to fulfill his dream, but the horny man should ...

A new guy starts work at a bakery.

He's handed his rota and his eyes lighten up: "Great, it's dinner-roll day!". The supervisor is puzzled to see such enthusiasm for so mundane a task as baking dinner rolls, but sure enough, the new guy goes to it with zest and panache and is soon turning out dinner rolls the like of which the superv...

Trump became so controlling that he refused to allow people and restaurants to buy shredded cheese, and as such, companies that shredded cheese got shutdown.

I guess he really did make America grate again.

I don't understand why authoritarians get such bad rep!

They rule!

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[Nsfw] "My wife is such a hypocrite, she is dead against abortion" said husband

Friend: "So why hypocrite?"
Husband: "It's a totally different fucking story when she found out my girlfriend was pregnant!"

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- "Darling, why is our son such foul-mouth?"

-"Bitch, I don't fucking know where he learned all this shit... Must be bad influence of the Internet!"

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A man is walking in the street and sees a women with the most beautiful breasts he’s ever seen.

He walks up to her and asks: “If I give you 10’000$, will you let me bite your boob?”
The woman, quite shocked, obviously says no.
The man then asks if he can bite her breast for 100’000$. The woman still says no. The man asks for 1’000’000$, 10’000’000$ and 100’000’000$ but the woman still re...

8 years ago Neil Armstrong died, such a loss for mankind.

My Apollo-gies to his family.

Why did the melons have such an expensive wedding?

Because they canteloupe.

Three old spinsters die and go to heaven and at the Pearly Gates, they are met by St Peter. He says: “Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives that I’m granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be.”

The first spinster says: “I want to be Sophia Loren.”

With a bang, she’s gone.

The second says: “I want to be Madonna.”

She also disappears immediately.

The third says: “I want to be Sara Pipalini.”

St Peter looks perplexed. “Who?” he says.

“Sara Pipalini,” ...

I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox

the cat kept covering me
up.

Little billy lives in the country and gets home from school one day to see the family rooster dead on the ground laying on it's back, legs up in the air. He asks his dad "why did it die in such a position?" His dad being religious and quick thinking says

"it's so God can just grab him by his feet and lift him off into heaven." Billy thinks this is ok. A few days go by and billy runs up to his dad and says "DAD, DAD! MOM ALMOST DIED, MOM ALMOST DIED! I heard her screaming Jesus I'm coming, Jesus I'm coming. and when I went to check on her, she was on...

"It baffles me, that bacteria can thrive, even when being turned into cheese. It seems like a such a hostile environment! Then again...

"Life finds a whey."

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This is such a bad joke but my brain made me write it out so I'm making all of you suffer, too.

A man named Martin absolutely hates elections, and when it comes time to elect a new mayor, or president, Martin never bothers to vote. He also makes it known to people that he hates elections and never participates in them. Martin is into cars, and constantly brags about his Ferrari, which also vex...

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NSFW:A preacher asked his congregation for help one sunday .

The preacher stood up and asked his congregation for help by giving anything they could to Brother Thomas because his house burned down the other day . One man stod up and said
" i have some old clothes and such he can have "

"Thank you" said the preacher . Another man stood up and said ...

There was an old man who lived by a forest

As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting.

He said, “Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it’s completely gone now. My hair can’t be saved. But look outside at the...

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I got such a vigorous hand job whilst watching the new Adams Family movie that my dick has turned purple.

Talk about too much of a good Thing.

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The best joke I’ve ever heard which never fails to make me smile whenever I remember it.(NSFW)

Three explorers get lost in a huge jungle. After wandering around for days, they are found and captured by a jungle tribe. The tribesmen take the explorers to their leader and drop them at his feet. The chieftain looks at them for a moment and says, “ The three of you will die unless you manage to d...

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One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife.

Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!"

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go un-rewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. "What...

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Why is Medusa such a good pornstar?

Anyone who looks at her will get rock hard immediately.

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The Pope contracts a rare terminal illness.

The best specialists were quietly called in from around the world for consultation.After much debate and research they determined that the only hope to save the Pope's life was for him to have sexual relations with a woman. His advisors were notified and they in turn spoke in confidence with the pop...

I ran over 2 Miles yesterday

Such a coincidence that both unfortunate fellas had the same name.

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Q: Do you know why Michael J. Fox makes such good milkshakes?

A: Because he uses quality ingredients, what did you think asshole?

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My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I’m “such an arrogant prick”.

I told her not to let the door hit her in the ass on her way back in.

Why do computers make such good parents?

They all have motherboards.

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A woman overhears her 8 year old son playing with his train set.

As he's moving his train around, he stops the train and says "This stop is Los Angeles. If this is your stop, get the fuck off. If this is not your stop, stay the fuck on."

The boy moves the train around for a minute, and stops the train once again.

"This stop is Seattle. If this is yo...

Why was Helen Keller such a terrible driver?

She was a woman

Trump is visiting a class

Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings. The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”.

So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, “if my bes...

I'm such a bad train operator, I can't even remember how many trains I've derailed.

It's hard to keep track.

Why Is C++ Such A Rough Language To Learn?

Because it has a bunch of std's...

My uncle is such a great businessman that he made $6 million in profits this year

He works in a non-profit organization

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A young family moved into a house...

next to a vacant lot. One day, a Construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the constructio...

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"So, Doctor van Helsing, we meet at last," said the Count.

van Helsing turned slowly. The castle library was lit in patches by the bright moonlight spilling through the windows, and otherwise only in a circle of yellow gold by the Dutchman's candle. He had never even heard the door open or a hint of a footfall; and yet there Count Dracula was, less than twe...

Climate change is such a joke...

Even the Antarctic ice sheets are cracking up.

Why is Kim Jong Un such an evil dictator?

Because he has no Seoul.

Idk if someone has already posted this joke but... How does Spider-Man come up with such witty comebacks?

With great power comes great response-ability

A priest, doctor, and engineer are golfing

They are stuck behind a really slow group of golfers. The engineer fumes, “What’s with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!”

The doctor chimes in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such inept golf!”

The priest says, “Here comes the greenkeeper. Let’s have a word...

My father in law said he felt so lucky that his daughter met such a great guy.

But that relationship didn't work out so she settled for me.

It was such an emotional wedding

Even the cake was in tiers!

Yesterday a clown held the door open for me.

Such a nice jester!

Love

A boy named Carol had a particularly rough childhood because of his uncommon name. He always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school.

Eventually, he overcame his hang-up and married his high-school sweetheart.

When their first child was born, he let his wife name her.

She name...

Son: Mom you are such a liar!

Mom: What?
Son: You told me that lil Johnny is an Angel.
Mom: He sure is.
Son: Then how come he didn’t fly when I threw him out of the window...

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A mathematician walks into a bar, actually...

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks....

Needing a little more room to park our bikes I said, "another 10cm would make such a great difference"

and so my wife, bless her, replied with a stellar "that's what she said".
True story from yesterday morning, just wanted to share our mirth :)

Why did thor have such a hard time accepting his brother was actually a frost giant?

He was loki racist

Am I adopted?

Fred came home from University in tears.

"Mum, am I adopted?"

"No of course not", replied his mother. Why would you think such a thing?

Fred showed her his genealogy DNA test results. No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived the other side o...

A US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies...

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. “What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend et...

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My wife cries after sex.

I don't understand how she can get so upset in such a short time.

My dad chopped Onions, and I cried...

Onions was such a good dog ;-;

(It’s meh cake day, please don’t booli me)

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Why do innie belly buttons make such bad criminals?

Because they can't stop attracting the fuzz

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A Birthday Gift For My Dad

This conversation has to have come up before with these devices. I generally don't have much wit, but my Dad pitched me such a lob, I couldn't resist to nail him with the "obvious."

I called my Dad to ask him if he might like a set of Tile Stickers. These are cool little devices you can stick...

A dinner speaker was in such a hurry...

...to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth.
Turning to the man next to him, he complained, "I forgot my teeth, what am I going to do now!?"
The man said, "No problem." He reached into his pocke...

I’m such a bad drawer.

I can’t hold clothes for my life.

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A man walks into a bar with a shoebox

He walks up to the bartender, sets the shoebox on the bar, and orders a beer and an empty shot glass. The bartender brings him his beer and watches as he then fills the shot glass with the beer and takes the lid off of the shoebox.

Out of the box he removes a small piano and a little bench, ...

America is having such bad lucky recently like it’s cursed!

It’s almost as if it was built on an ancient Indian burial ground or something...

How did Jesus stay in such great shape?

Crossfit

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A bear and a rabbit stumbled upon a magical lamp in the forest...

They rubbed it and guess what, a genie appeared. He granted both of them 3 wishes each. The rabbit asked the bear to go first, becuase he knew the bear's playboy nature.

Bear: I wish to be the most handsome bear in the whole world.
Genie: Granted.
Rabbit: I want a motorbike.
Genie (a...

4 Husbands

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.

"He's a funeral director,"...

My friend asked me how I got such a nice body

I tell him "you have to choose your victim wisely"

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A guy in full medieval armor walks into a bar

He sits down at the counter and asks the bartender for a gin and tonic.

The bartender preps the drink, but the armored man is visibly dissatisfied with the drink.

"Barkeep? Wouldst thou kindly rehome this drink in a larger glass?"

The bartender does so.

"Verily, I tha...

Two women go to heaven and meet St Peter

He told the two women you can do anything you want here in heaven but please do not step on a duck because they make a terrible noise and racket.

The two women agreed and entered heaven. One day, one of the women accidently stepped on a duck and sure enough it made such a terrible noise and ...

A linguistics professor says during a lecture...

A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room ...

Fun Facts about ants

So as you may or may not know, ants have many breeds, but above these breeds, two general groups can be seen in ants around the world. These groups are the Macro ants (Big ants), and the Micro ants (Small ants).

Multiple different breeds of ants can be found in each of the two groups (Such ...

Queen Victoria didn’t do such a good job keeping drinking water away from toilet water...

but it was still frowned upon to cholera fool.

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A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

She introduces hersel...

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago , another is from Tennessee , and the third is from Minnesota .

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
...

Say what you will about Trump

But it was pretty nice of him to air such a long ad for Biden free of charge

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and...

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It's crazy how sexist the postal service is.

I guess that's natural with such a mail dominated industry.

"I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am.

The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the ...

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This is a joke my dad told me a long time ago. I hope I don't offend anyone.

A young man was inspired to help out with his church's fundraiser. He asked the preacher if he could participate. The preacher, knowing the young man had a bad stutter, only gave him 3 bibles to sell.

The following day the young man returned asking for more. The preacher gave him 5. The follo...

Why is 2 such a romantic number?

Because it's <3

Why do construction crews on Mt. Rushmore have such a hard time figuring out who the boss is?

Because it's covered with foremen...

As I stood infront of the mirror, combing my hair to one side, I couldn't help but shed a tear.

Alas, parting is such sweet sorrow.

A very handsome man gets into a terrible car accident....

The doctors save his life, but he loses one eye.Before a nice glass one can be fitted, he's temporarily given a wooden eye.

The man becomes very depressed because of his eye loss and sits at home, moping around.Eventually his friends come over and drag him out to a bar to try and cheer him u...

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Two Covid deniers die of Covid and go to heaven. God tell them they can ask anything they want and get the truth....

Two Covid deniers die of Covid and go to heaven. God tell them they can ask anything they want and get the truth

Covid Denier 1: So there was no such thing as covid, right? I died of lung cancer or something!

God: No, Covid is real, you died of covid just like the Doctors said.
...

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Surgery can now provide you with the attributes of animals as body enhancements, such as gorilla arms for strength.

A complaint was filed, however, when a man got an elephant trunk to replace his penis:

"It's great and all but now I can't hang out with my friends much at taverns cuz while we're seated the trunk grabs some peanuts from the bar and sticks them in my asshole."

My wife is pregnant with a boy and i want to call him Lance

My wife said its such an uncommon name.


So i told her back in medievil days people were called Lance a lot

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Two Italian men are having a lively talk on a bus...

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one last time."

A church lady behind them is crimson red and beside herself. "You two need Jesus! How dare you say such shameless filth? ...

Finnish is such a beautiful language.

There's a word, Kalsarikännit, which basically means 'getting drunk in your underwear'. This tells you all you need to know about Finland, and my current state of affairs.

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