UPJOKE
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So Much Jokes

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Two older guys were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog. The 80-year-old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87-year-old said, *"Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."*

So, on the way home, the 80-year-old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the cashier asked if he needed any help. He said, *"Do you have any Rye...

My girlfriend has made so much money since she's been on OnlyFans that I've got a new car and a set of custom golf clubs

I do worry that someone will recognize her in public and tell her she's on it though.

A man in a bar is drinking whiskey and says: with what I have, I shouldn't be drinking so much...

Then he turns to the bartender and says: give me another one, even though... with what I have, I shouldn't be drinking so much.
As soon as he finishes drinking, he goes back to the bartender and asks for another whiskey, still murmuring: with what I have, I shouldn't be drinking so much.
A...

My girlfriend's red flags wouldn't have bothered me so much

....if they didn't have swastikas on them.

Me: "Why does that emo cake cost so much?"

Bakery Cashier: "It cuts itself."

Satan was angry because Jesus was always so much better on the computer than he was.

So he went to God and said, "I have been practicing really hard, and although I can't beat Jesus at much of anything, I am pretty sure that I can beat him at computers. So will you set up a contest between us to see once and for all who is the best?"

God reluctantly agrees. He sets up two c...

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Why is hotel sex so much better than sex at home?

You can be loud if you want, make a mess, your spouse isn't there....

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I've been reading so much about the bad effects of smoking, drinking and sex that I've finally decided

To give up reading

My wife is so much better looking than me...

...that a cashier just put a plastic divider down in the middle of our groceries.

Credit: Charles Demers

I shouldn't make jokes at the expense of my anti-vax neighbours so much...

They tend to get offended by those hurtful little jabs

Why do the French like to eat snails so much?

They can't stand fast food.


It's my first post on Reddit. Hope you like it.

So much has changed ever since my girlfriend told me we were having a baby!

For instance, my name, address, and telephone number!

It’s surprising that Jules and Vince spend so much time talking about the metric system at the beginning of Pulp Fiction

Quentin Tarantino usually only does feet

My next door neighbor is Bulimic and she was making so much noise last night, that I banged on the wall and shouted...

"For goodness sake, keep it down!"

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Why does Greta Thunberg like r/jokes so much?

We recycle our material every fucking day.

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Why do men love blow jobs so much?

It's the only way to get inside of a womans head!!

The reason why Saudi Arabia has so much money is not because of oil, .

but, because they wouldn't let their women spend it

My kids began ignoring me so much that I feel invisible...

Now I identify as trans-parent.

My dad told me this is why different branches of the military have so much trouble communicating.

They all have different vocabulary. For instance; "Secure that building."

Tell a marine that and he'll go kill everyone inside.

Tell a soldier and he'll put up razor wire, sandbags, and machine gun nests.

Tell a sailor and he'll go in and close and lock all the windows and door...

Why does McGregor love springtime so much?

Cause you just can't beat Mayweather.

Why did Noah have so much difficulty fishing on the ark?

He only brought two worms.

I told myself I need to stop drinking so much

...But I'm not about to start listening to some drunk weirdo that talks to himself

I rely on hotels so much I’ve actually become quite

Inn-dependent

A plumber fixes a damaged pipe in a doctor's house and asks for 200 dollars. Doctor says to him: "Even i, don't make so much money in such a short period and i'm a doctor".

And the plumber goes: "I know sir. I used to be a doctor myself"

A man once hated himself so much that he...

took it personally.

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It makes sense why women hate premature ejaculation so much

Our whole lives we're taught that nothing worth having comes easy.

There's so much nudity on TV these days, it makes me so angry.

I just sit there, shaking my fist.

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I've been watching so much porn lately…

I've started spitting on my front door lock before I put the key in…

Bondage is so much easier now we're older. I used to have to blindfold her.

Now I just hide her glasses.

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A man loved his girlfriend Wendy so much

that he tatooed her name along the side of his erect penis. But when soft, you could only see the WY.

One day in an airport restroom, he noticed a man at the next urinal with a noticeable WY on his member. The first man stretched his penis out and said "hey, you must have a girlfriend named...

William Shakespeare chewed on his pencil so much...

...that eventually he couldn't tell if it was 2B or not 2B.

Why do Scotsmen drink so much?

To slur their speech enough to do the accent.

A man was always travelling by plane everywhere. Because of that, he spent so much time on airports he developed an illness.

It was terminal.

The Irish must have lost so much money last night due to betting.

They'll be asking to rejoin the United Kingdom later today.

Why does Cerberus like the underworld so much?

Because of the Styx

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Why do Hawaiian Cockroaches hate Kona Coffee so much?

Because it turns them into Jitterbugs.

Parallel lines have so much in common.

It's a shame they will never meet.

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My Japanese carp recently got a new aquarium, but they're hiding in rocks and not coming out so much.

They're acting a bit koi.

There’s so much debate about whether to allow Russian athletes to compete internationally

Whatever else happens I hope they let Russians compete in the Paralympics. With the way the war’s going they’ll have a heck of a team

Trump hates saying "yes" to Mexicans so much

We may as well call him the "Not Si" President

My ex-girlfriend reminds me so much of Rapunzel...

Except Rapunzel lets her hair down while my ex lets everyone else in her life down

Why did Emperor Palpatine have so much trouble walking around?

He had Darth Ritis

I love my wife so much...

That if we were an a sinking boat, and there was only one life jacket, I would really miss her and think of her a lot.

Why do Soviet Russians dislike running so much?

Because they can never make it past the Finnish line.

My teacher told me I’d never amount to anything because I procrastinate so much

I told them, “Just you wait!”

Every morning I tell myself, "You have so much within you. You can do it!"

And then I sit on the toilet.

There's so much controversy surrounding school zones

I swear, I see a sign saying "end school zone" in every single one.

It makes sense that Leonardo DiCaprio cares so much about climate change…

He just wants a world his future girlfriends can turn 18 in.

A man is obsessed with reeling in a big fish... A man is obsessed with reeling in a big fish, so much so that he eventually buys a huge, synthetic sturgeon and hangs it on the wall above his fireplace.

Eventually, however, looking at the fake trophy makes the man feel like a fraud, and he can't stand it.

One day, he makes a final attempt at fishing up something impressive. Finally, after hours of waiting, he reels in a record-breaking chub, one that weighs more than any other in recorded hi...

TIL: A fly will drink so much vodka it can hardly stand, but a bee will only take a little sip.

Just enough to get buzzed.

How did the funeral home make so much money?

They had the market coronered

Why was the redhead in so much pain?

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

“Impossible!” says the doctor. “Show me.”

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more.

She pus...

I'm so much in debt, I can't afford to pay my electric bill...

These are the darkest days of my life...

The other night I drank so much I was on my knees puking. I should know better than to hang out with my best friends

Neal and Chuck

Why do Instagram influencers enjoy shopping at Walmart so much?

They just can't get enough of the self-checkout.

When I was a kid, I loved milk so much that I said I was going to marry a cow

Took me a good few years to realise why my father used to tell me, “You probably will...”

Why do orphans like playing tennis so much?

Because it’s they only way they’ll ever get love.

I hate waiting in line so much!

When I say the alphabet I stop immediately after P. That's how much I hate queues!

Why do people love whiteboards so much?

They're just remarkable

Why does everybody hate America so much?

Because America doesn't murder its critics.

if it wasn't love, why does my heart ache so much whenever i see her?

I asked myself as i went to order my 3rd big mac

Gambling addiction hotlines would be so much better if...

Every fifth caller was a winner.

My friend ate so much exotic spice, he practically turned into another species.

He's a cumin being.

Why is there so much hate for lazy people?

I mean, they didn't even do anything.

Why do fishermen catch and sell so much tuna?

Because they can!

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I hate myself so much, I refuse to masturbate

I'm not giving that prick the satisfaction.

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Dad walks into his son's room and says "Son don't masturbate so much or you will go blind."

The son replies,"Dad, I'm over here."

When I was an altar boy, Father Murphy always said that I was his favorite and was so much nicer than the other boys...

I was touched...

Why do old people read the bible so much?

They’re cramming for their finals

"Sometimes I miss NYC so much. ..

... I'll fill my humidifier with urine." - Emo Philips

People hate the police so much these days...

...that even Sting has stopped performing "Every Breath You Take."

Why do so many people like aromatherapy so much?

It just makes no frankincense to me

Liverpool had so much going for them. Dominated the ball, constantly on the attack, great strategy to win the day. But no matter how often the were close a score seemed inevitable, Real Madrid defenders always seemed to be in the right place at the right time. It must actually be true what they say

Nobody expects the Spanish in position

I asked my GF, "Why do abortion jokes made you laugh so much?"

She said, "because they bring out the kid in me."

I hate 'your mom' jokes so much.

They're stupid, old, and have been done by everyone hundreds of times.

Just like your mom.

My father went to Iraq. I miss him so much.

Please come Baghdad.

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The Bush Administration Makes So Much Sense Now...

George W. Bush meets with the Queen of England. He asks her, “Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?”

“Well,” says the Queen, “the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people.”

Bush frowns. “But how do...

Why did Napoleon conquer so much land?

Because he didn't have much Toulouse.

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Why do men seem to get away with their sexual promiscuity so much more than women do?

Men's underwear covers their asses

Why do people in China smoke so much?

They need fresh air

My friend has changed so much since becoming a vegetarian...

It’s like I’ve never met herbivore.

Why wife gets mad because I donate so much money every week to help support single moms.

She says I'm just using it as an excuse to go to the strip club

why does Han Solo like gum so much?

Because it's chewy

Mountain climbers do so much climbing

Don’t they Everest?

Why do Orphans Play GTA so Much

So they can be wanted.

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"Hey masochist, why do you spend so much time with the sadist?"

"Beats me."

I once asked an affluent French baker how he'd managed to make so much money making bread. His answer:

Success baguettes success.

I get ignored so much.

My name should be Terms and Conditions.

Why do depressed Frenchmen consume so much olive oil?

It gives them a huile d'olive

My buddy asked me how my post got so much karma

“Simple, piece of cake”

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Why are female orgasms so much different from men's?

Because their O varies.

Why do techno snobs love acid and ketamine so much?

Cuz they can't get over their high horse without tripping.

Why do bags of potato chips have so much less chips these days?

Inflation

Why did Genghis Khan conquer so much?

Because he was Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khannot.

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Why do Catholics make so much money with stocks and cryptocurrency?

Because they have perfected when to pull out.

We need to stop joking on fat people so much.

They have enough on their plate already.

Going to be saying goodbye to this group that I love so much

I am here to say goodbye, this group has been fantastic but my wife says I spend too much time here and she can't take it anymore. We argued about it and she told me its either her or the group. So I am going to be gone for a few minutes while I help her pack and call her an uber.
I'll be right ...

She said, "Thank you so much!" And I said...

"Not at all. But I find knitting very relaxing."

A woman was sipping a glass of wine while relaxing with her husband... "I love you so much, she said, I don't know how I could live without you:

Her husband asked, "is that you or the wine talking"?
She replied "it's me, talking to the wine"

I didn't know Mariah Carey liked trees so much.

But apparently all she wants for Christmas is yew.

Boy: Why are girls so much hotter than boys?

Girl: Coz boys have two 5watt bulbs and one 40watt tube, whereas girls have two 500watt bulbs and one 3000watt oven.

Hey y'all, I tried my best to convert this from Hindi to English.

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My girlfriend told me she enjoys sex on vacation so much more #NSFW

It was the worst postcard I’ve ever gotten

British man: If you like vodka and tomato juice so much...

then why don’t you bloody mary it!

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Whiskas (the cat food company) are missing out on so much money

They can just start producing sex toys and they don't even have to change their slogan

"Your cat is going to love Whiskas"

A few years ago my wife asked me if I'd seen the news story about a Moose walking into a lobby in Alaska. It sounded so much the first line of a joke that I figured I had to come up with something...

A moose walks into a hotel lobby in Alaska and starts eating the plants.

The hotel manager comes over and says, "Juneau, it's illegal to eat the foliage, don't you?"

The Moose looks at him calmly, still chewing, and says, "Nome, Nome, Nome."

Trump complains so much about being oppressed and degraded that he should make his own show and call it...

Orange is the New Black.

I used to wonder why my history teachers loved to teach about the Roman Empire so much. I think I get it now.

They both hated vandals and goths.

I just adopted two puppies the other day. I love them so much but they're so distracting whenever I try to watch a movie.

They keep pressing paws.

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Why do we have so much toilet paper hoarding again?

Because we have too many assholes.

Why do women live so much longer than men?

Because they're not married to women.

Courtney Love and Kurt Cobain really did have so much in common.

Because both were successful punk rockers, who are most well known for killing Kurt Cobain.

I don't know why I love bad puns so much.

It's just how eye roll.

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I love my wife so much I had “I Love You” tattooed on my penis.

Now she’s mad at me because she says I keep putting words in her mouth.

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Elton John did so much LSD at a party one night, he tried to have sex with a woman...

Dude was straight trippin'

A friend of mine opposes religion so much that they say they’re “allergic to Jesus.”

So I told them to take an anti-theist-amine.

Why do blind people like basketball so much?

There's just a lot to read on the ball.

How is it I'm so much more famous a ballerina than I thought?

I get compliments on my routines, my form, my posture... everything. But I find it particularly ridiculous that even when I receive *bills* the companies feel the need to highlight my outstanding balance. Like... come on, you don't even *know* me!

Why do Cattle Ranchers gamble so much?

They Like Raising Steaks

I had so much fun doing surgery

I might become a surgeon one day

My mom loves me so much she thinks I'm made of Gold, Titanium, Sulfur, and carbon.

She's always calling me Au Ti S Ti C.

So much has been going wrong in the USA

You would think it had been built on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.

Why do the French like escargot so much?

Well, they've long expressed their disdain for fast food.

I met a monk a year ago today, and as soon as we met, he began to pester me for secrets. I told him most, but there was one I only disclosed today. He asked how I got so much karma, and I told him...

Piece of cake

Why did Lizzie Borden accomplish so much?

Because she was so good at life hacks!

I've been traveling through time so much

that I even forgot what I had for tomorrow's breakfast.

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