I'm not saying my ex is fat...

But my memory foam mattress took a year to forget her.

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.

I said, "Nice legs."

The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."

I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

Yo mama so fat

Before she was buried the earth was flat

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I was watching a porno and it was just this fat dude crying and jerking off

then I realised I hadn't turned my computer on yet

Tell a girl she's beautiful one hundred times and she'll not believe you. Tell her once she's fat and she'll always remember

Because elephants never forget

My doctor told me I was fat

I told him I want a second opinion.


So he told me I’m ugly, too.

The son comes home crying and tells his mother "the lady next door hit me!". So the mother goes over and asks why she hit her and the lady replies "your son called me fat!". To which the mother replies...

"...and you think you'll lose weight by hitting him?"

You shouldn't fat shame people.

But to be truthful, they won't come running after you.

A fat man meets a skinny man

The fat man tells the skinny man: "when people look at you, they think the world's starving to death"

And the skinny man responds: "when they look at you, they know why"

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A fat man goes to a unique Health Centre that advertises weight loss and sex.

Intrigued by the ad, he goes in and asks the receptionist what this is all about.
She replies 'Well sir, it's exactly as we said, we have several formula and you can lose weight and have sex'
'Oh my' he says 'Let me try the first option then'
'Fair enough, that will be the door on your l...

How do you make 5lbs of fat look good?

Give it a nipple

What do you call a fat person in Europe?

An American tourist

How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat?

She starts borrowing your wife's clothes...

In which city do fat people stay?

Obesity.

What do you call a fat psychic?

A four-chin teller.

Guys asks his friend if he's fat.

His friend replies: "man, I know 5 fat people and you're 4 of them"

How do you get a fat girl into bed?

A piece of cake!

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Early one morning a fat kid was sitting in an airport terminal eating a giant size candy bar.

An older man strolled by and saw the boy.

He stopped abruptly and asked "Hey kid, do you think it's a good idea to be eating a giant candy bar for breakfast?"

The boy replied "I don't know, but my grandpappy lived to be 102 years old."

The old man said "I'm sure he did, but he ...

Yo mama so fat

She can tip the scales without touching them because her weight is AoE

You should never fat-shame people

They've already got enough on their plate

So was at a bar last night and saw this fat chick wearing a shirt that said, "Caution, I'm a maneater". I walked up to the girl and timidly said, "Excuse me, Miss...about your shirt."

She interrupted me before I could continue and furiously shouted, "Oh let me guess, you're here to make a comment about how I'm so fat and how I actually eat men. I can't help my weight you know. I have feelings too and your comments can really hurt."

I looked at her, confused and said,"That'...

Yo mama so fat

When she steps on a scale it says “To be continued”

What do u call a fat girls stalker?

A whale watcher

Yo mama so fat...

When she hauls ass, she has to make two trips.


Gimme your best yo mama jokes.

Yo mama so fat, the only way she gets clean

is during a meteor shower

A Doctor tells his patient that it’s okay to smoke, drink, be fat, etc

Patient: But isn’t that bad?

Doctor: That’s why I have the highest patient return rate.

Yo mama so fat...

She went to the beach and the lifeguard said “madam, could you please leave the beach, the tides waiting to come in”

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You know you’re fat when your piss smells like gravy.

You know you’re really fat when it tastes like gravy.

Yo Mama So FAT

When i was watching the simpsons and she walked past the Tv, I missed a whole SEASON

Is my mom fat?

Your mama's so fat
she heard the weatherman say it was chili outside she grabbed a bowl and spoon and ran out the door

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A fat guy decides to lose some weight

He heard that a company is running a special weight-loss program. Curious, he decided to sign up for a session.


He is taken to a basketball court. Standing in the middle of the court is a naked woman with a sign around her neck.


"If you catch me, you can fuck me in the ass....

Yo mama so fat

she sat on a bag of coal, and became rich by selling the diamonds!

Yo mama's so fat...

She achieved herd immunity by herself.

What’s a fat person’s favorite video game?

Space Invaders

Why was the big fat guy good at making decisions?

He could trust his gut

Wife: I look fat.Can you give me a compliment?

Husband: You have perfect eyesight.

A single cow can give us lots of things, such as: milk, meat, blood, leather, fat and many more...

You could say we're milking them.

A wife asks her husband if she’s gotten fat during quarantine.

The husband replies “you weren’t that skinny to begin with”.

The death certificate said time of death was 1035pm, cause of death was covid.

Yo mama so fat she’s four and a half feet tall

Lying down! - derived and adapted from the great Victor Borge

I told a joke about a fat man and a little boy once

Didn’t really expect it to blow up like it did

(Sorry if someone’s made this joke before)

My cat is really fat and chubby

Most people would call her “fubby” but french people would call her “chat”

Yo Momma So Fat.....

....when she dances the band skips!

A fat old man looks at himself in the mirror.

His insecurity rises. He’s not the same man he once was. He’s an old chunk of coal. Why, in high school he was a major athlete- the football type. All the girls wanted him and everyone respected him. He was a hunk. As he stared into this mirror now a some odd fifty years later- the juxtaposition of ...

Yo momma so fat

She has to wear a pillow case as a face mask

Your mama so fat

When she wears heels she finds oil

My wife asked me "Is it just me or is the cat getting fat?"

Apparently "No it's just you" wasn't the right answer.

Yo mama so fat.

She don’t need the internet, she already worldwide.

Money is like fat.

There's enough of both. Just in the wrong place.

Yo mama so fat,

When she stubs her toe, her forehead ripples.

Why did 6 call 9 fat?

Because 9 always 8 4 2.

They say five inches of fat is needed to stop a bullet reaching the organs

Which explains America's obesity problem.

What do you have without fat and sugar?

Napkins

A few years ago I called my mother in law fat and she still resents me for it

I should’ve known that an elephant never forgets.

I'm not saying my neighbor's dog is fat

But she's more than a little husky.

I’m a fat man starting to feel spiritual

As I looked into all the different religions, I found that that all of them, in one way or another, involved abstaining from food. Hindus, for example all give up beef. Mormons boycott alcohol and coffee. As a Catholic you can eat anything most of the year, but have to give up the foods like most fo...

I thought my jokes about fat people would be great for this sub

but none of them worked out.

My wife was worried that she was going to get fat, just because her sisters are fat, her mom is fat and her grandmother was fat. So I bought her a Peloton.

She broke the cycle.

Yo mama's so fat...

... she caught a flesh eating disease and the doctor gave her ten years to live.

Your mom is so FAT....

She can't save files larger than 4 gigabytes!

Do you know how to tell when you're really fat?

When you fall from both sides of your bed at the same time

A fat girl was wearing a T-Shirt that said "Guess" on it

So I walk up to her and say "385"

My gf asked me if her dress made her look fat

I replied no it’s not the dress

Your mother is so fat

that if she farts, she´s going to get charged with climate warming.

Yo mama so fat

The photo I took with her on xmass is still printing

The past tense of fat is

fit.

Your mother is so fat

nobody can be 2 metres away from her.

Yo momma so fat...

she don’t work the street corner, she work the freeway!

Yo mama’s so fat that when you were born...

They had to send in a search party!

Yo Mama so FAT

NTFS refuses to run on her system

A lot of people are pretty upset about "fat shaming" jokes these days

Maybe they need to lighten up

My son saw me reading War and Peace and asked me, “Why is the book so fat?”

I said, “Well,...it’s a long story.”

My friend rolled me a fat joint

He called it his American joint.

Why is Kim Jung Un so fat?

Because he never had to run for office

As a fat guy, I tend to avoid wearing skinny jeans.

I find it very difficult to pull it off.

I organized a "Fat Lives Matter" march. We all got very tired...

I can't breathe.

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Your momma's so fat...

She thinks table scraps are when you fight for food!

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A fat businessman joins a gym... [NSFW]

As he emerges from the shower in the locker room one of the trainers notices him toweling off.

"You must be a new member here", the trainer says. "What caused you to join our gym?"

"Well," says the businessman, "I've been getting out of shape for so long, I realized one day that it's b...

Fat guy walks into a doctor's office

He says "doctor, I think I have obesity. My mom had obesity, my dad had it, and evan my uncle has obesity."

Doctor replies "sir, the problem isn't that obesity runs in your family."

"The problem is that nobody runs in your family"

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Yo mama so fat

That when she enters a room her belly button gets there 5 minutes before she does

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I was watching a really weird porno yesterday, it was a fat man wanking and crying..

Then i realised i hadn't switched the tv on...

Yo mama’s so fat

that when Spider-man was saving her from falling off a building, he had to use the world-wide-web.

Yo mama's so fat...

...she gotta stay 12 feet away!

Why do Americans become fat by choice?

So they can add more bullets to their ammo belt.

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My kitten got a reward for having a fat ass

It was a catastrophe

My winter fat is gone...

... now I have spring rolls.

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What do you call two fat people having sex?

Missionary impossible

"Honey, do I look fat ?"

Asked the wife as she stood in front of the mirror.

"No, not at all..", the husband replied, "You look fabulous !!"

Wife, blushing, "Really ! Will you carry me to the fridge ? I want to eat some ice cream.. "

Husband, now visibly scared; "Don't you worry babe, just relax here ! ...

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Im not really Fat

In fact, Im too sexy that it overflows.

What do you get if you eat 3.14 cakes?

Fat. You get fat.

You were expecting a joke about pi? On my cake day?


C'mon, you know the rules!!

Your momma is soooo fat.....

she violates the social distance recommendations all by herself!

Your mama is so fat...

When she wants to eat some hot wings an ostrich must die

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A poor man goes to a sex club

After standing in line to get in het gets to the doorman. "What can I get for $5" the poor man says.

"You can get into the mystery room" says the doorman and he proceeds to lead the poor man to a door. Once he opens the door he sees a big round chamber with in the middle a donkey with a small...

Yo mama so fat

1 photo of her takes more space than your "homework folder"

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Did you hear about those 2 fat people having sex in the elevator?

It was wrong on so many levels

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Yo' mama is so fat

That she sends me nudes via torrent

Wife: Did I get fat during quarantine?

Husband: You were never really that skinny

Time of death: 26/4/20 11:31am

Cause of death: Corona virus.

What does a fat communist have?

Stretch Marx

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Wife: Does this dress make me look fat? Me: You promise not to get mad no matter what I say? Wife: Yes

Me: I fucked your sister

Your mother is so fat

That she was sent home for gathering in a public place

Yo mama so fat

The avengers hired her for her ability to be everywhere at once!

Your mom is so fat she starts the alphabet with the letter "O"...

O B C D...

I was going to make a fat joke

It didn't work out.

Me and a co worker were cremating a fat person.

My coworker said “ I wonder how many calories we are burning”.

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