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I was watching a porno and it was just this fat dude crying and jerking off

then I realised I hadn't turned my computer on yet

Yo mama is so fat

She went out in high heels, and came back in flip flops

What do you call a fat person in Europe?

An American tourist

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.

I said, "Nice legs."

The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."

I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

Fat shaming is wrong.

They have enough on their plate already.

Not saying my Ex was fat

But it took a year for my memory foam mattress to forget her.

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What do you call the fat around an asshole?

A politician

Yo momma so fat..

She got triabetes.

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Speaking of a big fat butt!

A girl takes her big fat cat to the vet.

"My cat is very fat,” she says.

"Alright," says the vet. "I will look at him."

The vet picks up the cat and examines its teeth. Then she looks at its eyes. Then into its ears.

Finally, she turns to the girl and says, “I'm very sorr...

Finally my winter fat is gone!

Now I have spring rolls : (

Beer doesn’t make you fat

It makes you lean; against walls, doors, toilets, etc.

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Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard and sent the ball through his neighbors window. He rang the bell but nobody answered so he opened the door to see an old lamp lying near broken glass and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch

Dylan asked, "Who are you?" The fat man replied, "I am a genie you have freed from that lamp."

Dylan questioned, "Oh man, do I get three wishes?" The genie replied, "Since you freed me by accident you only get two and I get one."

Dylan thought about it and realized what he wanted, "I w...

You know that mouth-watering sensation you get when you're grilling a fat, juicy steak?

I wonder if vegans get that when they mow the lawn.

Yo momma’s so fat...

She slept on a memory foam mattress and it never forgot.

What do you call a fat alcoholic?

A heavy drinker

Yo mama so fat

she looked at the menu and said OK

Why do you never see a fat ninja?

Because fat ninjas are the best ninjas.

You can tell a girl she's pretty 1000 times & she'll never remember it, but if you call her fat just once she'll always remember it.

Elephants never forget.

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What do fat Japanese lawyers do when business is slow?

They sumo people.

Honey, am I fat?

"No darling! You are not fat. You're skinnier than on the day of our wedding."

"Honey I'm hungry, can you carry me to the fridge?"

"Just a second darling. I'll bring the fridge to you."

Do you think when fat people send smiley faces

They send them like this :))

After I've been waiting at the drive through they call me fat.

And they say it like it's their fault.

"Welcome sir. I'm sorry about your wait. Can I take your order?"

When you think about it I guess it kind of is their fault.

What do you call a fat drug addict?

Chunky junkie!

Yo momma's so fat that objects 5 meters away accelerate at 1 m/s^2 toward her. What is yo momma's mass if G = 6.67x10^-11Nm^2/kg^2?

Please, someone help me, I can't solve it and it's making me nuts.

Yo mama's so fat...

...whales harpooned her.

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My girlfriend walked into the room and said “Do these jeans make me look fat?”

“do you promise not to get mad no matter what I say?” I asked

“Yes” she replied

“I fucked your sister”

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Yo momma's so fat

When she gives a blowjob it is classified as a class 5 hurricane.

Yo Mama so fat

I took a picture of her last Christmas and it's still printing.

How can you tell your girlfriend is getting fat?

She fits in your wife’s clothes.

They say you shouldn't eat takeout too often because it makes you fat...

I think it's worth the weight.

What do you call an insect with a high fat diet?

A mosKeto!

Wife: "I'm fat, old and ugly, what am I?"

Husband: "Right"

What did the hippo say when another called it fat?

*"That's very hippocritical of you."*

Yo mama so fat it's hilarious

I'm not laughing but the floor is cracking up

Don’t make fun of fat people

It’s already hard enough for them to get up in the morning

Yo momma soooo fat

she entered a fat contest and they said "sorry no professionals."

I’m fat but I self identify as thin.

I’m trans slender

I would make a joke about how yo mama so fat...

But we shouldn't talk about the elephant in the room.

Your mamma’s so fat

She uses the large hadron collider as a hula hoop

I'm not saying your mom is fat, but...

Sailors use her sweat glands to gauge high and low tides.

Yo mama's so fat

when she fell I didn't laugh, but the sidewalk cracked up.

My Mother-in-law asked me to take a picture that doesn't make her look fat...

Apperantly taking a picture without her in it wasn't what she meant.

Not fat, just short.

According to the BMI chart, at the doctors office, I don’t need to lose 25 pounds! I do need to grow about six inches but hey, it beats dieting!

Yo mama so fat

That when her underwear got dirty and she went to the laundromat, they told her that they don’t accept parachutes

Yo mamma's so fat

They had to take her passport photo with Google earth.

My wife asked if these pants make her look fat…

I replied

“Definitely not. It’s you that makes the pants look fat.”

And oh how we both laughed and laughed.

Anyway, I’m single now in case any of you want to hang out.

I’m pretty open most days. Except for Tuesday’s when I do yoga.

My doctor told me I have to stay away from trans fats.

I told him it's none of his business who I date.

Yo mama is so fat

That when she jumped the fossils started screaming

Yo Mama so fat,

that she should be concerned because obesity is a huge problem

Yo mamma so fat

When she steps on a scale I see my phone number

How do you get an fat person in your bedroom?

Piece of cake

Yo mamma so fat

Yo momma so fat, clumsy and stupid, on her way to Wal-Mart she tripped over kmart and fell on target.

Yo mama so fat...

...when she goes camping the bears hide their food.

Yo mama so fat...

She uses DHL instead of UberEats.

Your momma is so Fat.......

She uses pillowcases as socks!!



What’s your best “ your momma “ joke?... I love these jokes.

Wife to husband: “Did I get fat during quarantine?”

Husband replies: “you weren’t really that skinny to be begin with!”

Time of death: 11:00pm
Cause of death: Covid-19

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A man invites some of his fetish club over for breakfast....

They are catching up on life and swapping stories about work, their grandkids’ birthdays, their recent stock market fortunes, and so on, when the subject of what they’re most proud of comes up.


Gerald, a 35 year old dentist, proudly exclaims, “Of everyone here, I by far, have the larges...

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Watched a porn last night of an old, fat man masturbating.

Turns out it was just a mirror.

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I'm glad they split off fat camp from incontinence camp

Fat people get shit on enough

Her: Am I looking fat in this dress?

Me: I choose Dare.

How do you make 5 lbs of fat look good?

Put a nipple on it.

Yo mama so fat...

it took Nationwide 3 years to get on her side.

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You’re so fat

You’re so fat that when you watch porn, you come when the pizza guy arrives!

Yo momma's so fat

She has to use a boomerang to get her belt on

Yo momma so fat...

There wasn’t enough room for a punchline

Yo momma so fat

when the lord said "let there be light" he had to ask her to move first

I’m not fat...

I’m enlarged to show texture.

What do you call a fat doctor who can predict the weather?

A meaty urologist.

I don’t find fat jokes funny anymore...

... I have outgrown them

Your mama's so fat...

...they call her missionary impossible.

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A young private is on sentry duty one night in the guardhouse when the telephone rings

"ARE THERE MANY CARS ON THE OFFICER'S CAR PARK?" a voice bellows down the line?

The private looks at the car park and replies "Only that fat bastard General Jackson's car"

"DO YOU KNOW WHO YOU'RE TALKING TO?" the voice shouts. "THIS IS GENERAL JACKSON!"

"And do you know who you'...

A 3 year old boy sits near a pregnant woman.

Boy: Why do you look so fat?

Pregnant woman: I have a baby inside me.

Boy: Is it a good baby?

Pregnant woman: Yes, it is a very good baby.

Boy: Then why did you eat it?!

Yo mama so fat she doesn't need the internet.

She’s already world-wide.

Yo mumma’s so fat

The ocean beaches on her.

My friend has been going to the gym because people kept calling him "fat" and "ugly".

Now they just call him "ugly".

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Yo mama so fat

The strip club calls her Hitler after all the damage she's done to the poles.

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Your momma so fat

She posts on Grubhub instead of Pornhub

Yo mama so fat

>!We’re genuinely worried about her. That kind of lifestyle is unhealthy. You should encourage her to walk more and lay off the Ben&Jerry’s.!<

How to loose belly fat

Little Johny walks to his mom and starts asking her about what he had seen the previous night while sneaking around the house.

Little Johny: Mommy, mommy why ware you jumping on daddy’s stomach last night?

Mom: Johny you’re old enough to know the truth... your dad is getting obese so ...

A cop pulls over a married couple on the highway.

Officer says to the husband, who was driving, "I'm pulling you over because I clocked you doing 65 in a 50."

"That's impossible officer, I had cruise control set to 55."

The wife chimes in "Ted, you know the cruise control doesn't work."

"Shut up woman!" shouts the husband.
<...

I went to the doctors with hearing problems. He said "Can you describe the symptoms?"

I said "Homer's a fat guy and Marge has blue hair"

Mr. and Mrs. Johnson had been happily married for decades, but there was one thing that bothered Mr. Johnson.

They had five sons named Al, Ben, Carl, Dan, and Edgar. Now Al, Ben, Carl, and Dan were all tall, thin, and handsome, but Edgar was short, fat, and ugly. Throughout his life, Mr. Johnson wondered if Edgar was really his son, but he never built up the courage to ask his wife.

Finally, the day ...

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A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, “What is this, Father?”

The father, never having seen an elevator, responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.”

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the movin...

Yo mama got so fat

She is now forever banned from hitching a ride to the Mediterranean on the #EverGiven

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A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband, " I feel horrible, I look fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment."

The husband replies, "your eyesight's damn near perfect."

He never even heard the shot

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Fat shaming is unacceptable...

...unless you disagree with me politically you fat fuck

What's the difference between the holocaust and the excess fat under a woman's upper arms?

You can make a joke about the holocaust.

What did the roman dad name his fat newborn?

Voluminous.

A lot of people are pretty upset about "fat shaming" jokes these days

Maybe they need to lighten up

I think my fat girlfriend is hot.

She's been sweating profusely.

Yo momma so fat...

She is considered a carbohydrate based life form.

Brain cells die, skin cells die, even hair cells die.

But FAT CELLS… must have accepted Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior because they seem to have eternal life.

Your mom is so fat she starts the alphabet with the letter "O"...

O B C D...

What do fat ghosts need to do to lose weight?

Exorcise

What do you get if you eat 3.14 cakes?

Fat. You get fat.


What, did you think I would make a pie joke on my cake day?

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What do you call a fat European knight who works in the porn industry?

Sir Cum France

Life is like a box of chocolates

Fat people go through it faster than skinny ones

So was at a bar last night and saw this fat chick wearing a shirt that said, "Caution, I'm a maneater". I walked up to the girl and timidly said, "Excuse me, Miss...about your shirt."

She interrupted me before I could continue and furiously shouted, "Oh let me guess, you're here to make a comment about how I'm so fat and how I actually eat men. I can't help my weight you know. I have feelings too and your comments can really hurt."

I looked at her, confused and said,"That'...

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Three men find a lamp...

Three middle aged men are walking along an abandoned beach when they find a golden lamp glistening in the sun. Deciding they have nothing to lose, they decide to rub it and see what happens. In astonishment, they see a genie appear before them.

"Thank you for freeing me from my lamp. To thank...

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My doctor gave me 6 months, so I shot him.

## The judge gave me 60 years!


&nbsp;

&nbsp;

&nbsp;


### My (other) favorite one liners:

1. I’ve had amnesia for as long as I can remember.

1. What do you call a cheap circumcision? A ripoff.

1. French tanks have five rever...

Yo momma so fat, her chin is like a forehead for her neck.

As above

Your mommas so fat.....

She got arrested at the airport for 10 pounds of crack.

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Why is everyone in Japan skinny?

Because last time there was a fat man in Japan a whole city got destroyed

The doctor says to the patient

"You are fat."

"I'm gonna need a second opinion", replies the patient.

"You are also ugly."

Stand up Comedy on Star Trek

Yo mamma so fat… she tried to use the teleporter, but it ran out of atoms before she made it to the other side

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Early one morning a fat kid was sitting in an airport terminal eating a giant size candy bar.

An older man strolled by and saw the boy.

He stopped abruptly and asked "Hey kid, do you think it's a good idea to be eating a giant candy bar for breakfast?"

The boy replied "I don't know, but my grandpappy lived to be 102 years old."

The old man said "I'm sure he did, but he ...

My girlfriend wants to break up with me.

She says it's because I keep making jokes about her getting fat. So I said ''That's not true. I would never try to have fun at your expanse"

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You and 2 friends of yours walk through a forest

after a while you lot stumble upon a hut, from which a weird old lady, resembling a witch, comes out from. She slowly says
*"...do not step on the purple flower..."*
and then goes back into her hut.

A little confused, you exchange looks with your friends, shrug, and keep walking.
...

Doesn't matter if you are tall or short, fat or thin, black or white, at the end of the day...

It will be night time.

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Man walks into a pub

Man walks into a pub orders a drink and goes straight to the jukebox puts money in nothing happens..he puts more money Nothing! Then gives it a push and a kick..(jukebox lights up) “GO AWAY YOU FAT BASTARD” in shock and confusion “who said that” the man says..”ME I DID GO AWAY YOU FAT BASTARD” the ...

Yo mamma's so fat that...

...when she got covid the CDC classified it a super spreader event.

Yo mama so fat...

When she hauls ass, she has to make two trips.


Gimme your best yo mama jokes.

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