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Bob the mailman

A couple of guys are at the bar. First guy says to his buddy, "My wife just admitted to me that she's having an affair with Bob the mailman."

"What?" says his buddy. "That fat ugly fucker I see every morning outside your house?"

"That's right," says the first guy.

"Jesus," says ...

Your mama so fat...

She won a free carnival cruise and the Sea Shepards attacked.

If I'm fat but identify as slim

Does that mean I am trans slender?

According to my wife, I'm a terrible dad for not treating my kids equally.

I just don't understand it. I love James, Nicole and the fat, ugly one all the same.

What is it called when the fat kid does karate?

Pork Chops

An Amish family visits a mall...

...the mother strolls along an aisle and experience modern life. The dad and the son, however, encounters an elevator.
"What is that, father?", the son asked.
"I don't know either, my son", replied the father, "Let's see what they use it for".
They then see an ugly, fat woman trudge into th...

I know I'm a little chubby

So I don't really mind getting called fat - give it to me straight, don't sugarcoat it.

Actually, sugar is the last thing I need right now.

What do you call a cow with no legs?

My fat, diabetic sister.

Saw a fat chick wearing a shirt that said “guess”

So I said about 340, now she wants to fight

What do you call a fat psychic?

A four chin teller

A lot of people are pretty upset about "fat shaming" jokes these days

Maybe they need to lighten up


Yo mama is so fat

When she passed by the TV I missed two episodes

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The psychiatrist

A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office. The psychiatrist asks, "What seems to be the problem?"

The guy replies, "I just can't seem to make friends with anyone. Can you help me, you fat ugly bastard?"

What do you call a fat mockingbird?

two kilo mocking bird

Why are cannibals always so fat?

They can't eat healthy, they run too fast.

Life is like a box of chocolates

It doesn’t last as long for fat people

Yo momma so fat

You took a picture of her on an empty sd card and it said memory full

Call a woman beautiful...

Call a woman beautiful every day for 10 years and she won’t remember you did.

Call a woman fat just once, and she will remember it forever.

Because elephants never forget.

Your mama is so fat

that by the time she turned around her biological clock ran out!

I have lots of jokes to tell about fat people and doors

But they just never seem to fit

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That milkman just called me a fat bitch!

How dairy!

Yo momma so fat...

She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.

My friend said he was gonna be a fat suit for Halloween

I told him you don't need one

Wanna hear an icebreaker?

Fat penguin

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I had such a strange dream last night...

everything was reversed. Vegans were eating meat. Christians were having un-married sex. Bodybuilders were fat and eating junk food. And the weirdest of all I was getting laid.

Yo' mama so fat she fell in love

And broke it.

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Why are companies who sell snacks sexist?

Cause they avoid trans fat

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Me: I'm so fat I can't even see my dick

Gf: Then I must be fat too!

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Corn cobs

A duo of men wandered thru the desert tired and hungry and desperate for a sip of water. They see a house in the distance and make their way to the house as quickly as possible and knock.
The door opens and fat ugly woman shows up. When they ask her for water. She asks for one of them to have sex...

Your mom is so fat...

...that a group of people started believing she was actually flat.

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My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theater.

Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a "night light" and then put the cat in the backyard. When our Uber arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our parakeet we didn't want to leav...

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A coroner comes home from work and sets his lunchbox down, laughing to himself...

"Wow!" he tells his wife. "You should have seen this autopsy I did today! The guy must have had a schlong at least 11 inches long and fat as a beer can! I've never seen anything so..."

He trails off as his wife bursts out sobbing. "Oh no!" she says. "Fred's dead!"

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Bill was a horny man who had just been deployed to a US army post in another country far away from the US.

Bill slept in a room, that had lots of bunk beds, about 15 and it was usually silent at night. You could hear a pin drop. Bill had his urges but he would not surrender, the power of the nut would not defeat him.

Well, eventually it did and one not trying to be as silent as possible he tried t...

Your friend say they are fat but they are really 120 pounds so you ask in what world are they fat?

A third world.

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Wife: Does this dress make me look fat? Me: You promise not to get mad no matter what i say? Wife: Yes

Me: I fucked your sister

My fat friend admitted that I was less in need of a diet than him.

I said "that's very big of you."

I have seen a lot of fat jokes here recently, and we should be nicer to them.

They have enough on their plates as it is

What does a fat train say?

A chubba chubba chew chew

How do you get rid of fat demons?

With a treadmill. You exercise them.

Fat-Pride movement is the only movement...

Without movement.

“ Yo momma so fat ...

..her fart caused the Big Bang! “

* overheard neighbour’s kids and I chuckled!*

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Mick, Sean and Paddy are chatting in the bar.

Mick says: Women are so stupid, my wife has just bought a car and she can't even drive!"

Sean says: "That's nothing, my wife's on a diet and she' not even fat"

Paddy says: "That's fuck all, my wife's taken 30 condoms to Benidorm and she hasn't even got a cock!"

Dog furries aren’t fat

Their just a little husky

Yo' mama so fat...

when she wears high heels, she strikes oil.

Yo mama so fat

She put on a pair of BVDs and it spelled boulevard. I'm sorry. I know yo mama jokes are old. But not as old as yo mama!

You should always be nice to fat people

There's more of them.

Why are there so many fat astronauts on the International Space Station?

Because the food is out of this world.

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Is watching this awful show about a fat, naked man masturbating

And then I realised that my TV wasn't turned on.

How do you burn a lot of calories quickly?

Set a fat kid on fire

Kids do say the Darnest Things.

This little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents' room. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him."

His mom is take...

A man walks into a bar.

When signing the bill, the bartender gives him a 10 inch pen. Amused, the man asks where the bartender got the big Bic pen from. The bartender says a genie granted him a wish.

The man laughs at the bartender in disbelief. The bartender not wanting to be called a lier, reaches under the bar,...

I’m really fat but I feel skinny on the inside

So I identify as translender

A fat priest didn’t get invited to a night party

Fat Priest: I’ll just make it day then to ruin it. Let there be light!!!

God: ....

Fat Priest: I said let there be light!!!!!

God: ....

Fat Priest: LET THERE BE LIGHT!!!!!

God: I heard you the first time, you just gotta move out of the way. You’re blocking the sun.

How do you get a fat girl in bed?

Piece of cake

How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat?

She starts fitting into your wife’s clothes.

What do you call a fat stripper?

A piggy bank.

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Last time my wife asked me if she looked fat, ...

I sighed and said, "Honey, if I tell you the truth, do you promise not to be mad?" She rolled her eyes, but agreed. So I said, "I've been fucking your sister."

I was behind a fat girl in tight jeans at the supermarket checkout...

Her label said “Guess?”

I said, “ Oh I don’t know, 450 pounds?”

I married Mr Take's daughter, who was fat

It was a big mistake

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I bought a porn DVD today and all I could see was a dark image of some fat cunt sitting there holding his cock.

Then I realised the telly wasn't on.

How do you make 3 pounds of fat look beautiful?

Simple, just add a nipple.

Yo momma is so vegan and fat...

..that she ate a meal and got arrested for deforestation.

I always make jokes about everything, but I won't make a joke about fat people...

...because an elephant never forgets.

AITA for telling "Yo mama so fat" jokes to my friend

I may be overreacting but its been over a week since her funeral and hes not talking to me

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A fat billionaire was found dead in his mansion

They're saying the butter did it

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John was a very fat guy who was sick of being ridiculed all the time.

So he decided to do something to reduce his weight. Next morning he found an advertisement in the newspaper claiming to help him lose weight quickly. Intrigued, he called them and asked for the plans available.
The operator told him that there are three plans
"10 pounds in a week"
"20 po...

Yo mama so fat...

When God said let their be light he was telling her to move out of the way

Yo mama is so fat

the tv show My 600lb Life needed to do a two hour special.

How do you make 2lbs of ugly fat attractive?

Put a nipple on it!

A Wall Street accountant asked me if she is too fat for her suit.

I told her she’s too big to fail.

Yo mama so fat

There's an entire movement that thinks she's flat.

A fat weatherman who enjoys watch collecting?

I’d call him a meaty horologist

Did you hear about the fat man who gave money to a piano player?

He really tipped the scales.

A fat women falls through the floor of her apartment whilst reading the news.

She must be a fast reader as she’s already gone through 10 stories.

Yo momma so fat..

She broke the branch in her family tree!

Yo mama's so fat...

her wedding music was the jurassic park theme

Just how fat am I!

Let me put it this way: According to my girth, I should be a ninety-foot redwood.

Why are fat people always friends with other fat people?

I guess you could say they just gravitate towards eachother

A fat lady walks into a bar.

She raise her arm showing off her hairy armpits and says “ Who wants to buy this nice lady a drink?” A drunk guy in the back says “I will, I’ll buy the ballerina a drink.”

This goes on a few more times. “ Who wants to buy this nice lady a drink?” “I will, I’ll buy the ballerina a drink.”

If a mass of beef fat is 'tallow', and mass of pig fat is 'lard', what is a mass of human fat called?


Just kidding, it's actually called 'Yo Momma'.

Why are bachelors skinny and married guys fat?

Bachelors go to the fridge, don't see anything they like, and go to bed. Married guys go to bed, don't see anything they like, and go to the fridge.

What's the fat kid's favorite day of the week?


My wife is like a fat vegan

I can't prove it, but she's probably cheating.

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85% of all women think their ass is too fat. 10% of all women think their ass is too thin.

And 5% are really happy that they married him.

Yo mama so fat...

Greenpeace tried to roll her back in the sea.

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I had sex with a fat chick last night but I was really nervous...

There was a lot riding on me.

So was at a bar last night and saw this fat chick wearing a shirt that said, "caution, I'm a maneater".

I walked up to the girl and timidly said, "excuse me, Miss... about your shirt"

She interrupted me before I could continue and furiously shouted; "Oh let me guess, you're here to make a comment about how I'm so fat and how I actually eat men.. I can't help my weight you know. I have feelings...

My doctor tells me my visceral fat needs addressing...

... I'm considering Ranch or Thousand Island, do you have any other recommendations?

"I wonder what he's thinking... I wonder if he likes me... I wonder if he thinks I'm fat..."

- Wonder Woman

(- Katherine Ryan)

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A man and his wife were getting dressed for a big event. After putting on her dress, she asked her husband, "does this dress make my ass look fat?"

The husband sighed, and asked his wife, "Honey, do you promise me you won't get mad, no matter how I answer?"

His wife said, "I promise, I'll never bring it up again."

The husband looked her over and said, "I fucked your sister."

What do you call fat Elton John?

Hot pocket man

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