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Center Jokes

With the international mathematics conference in town, the bars around the convention center were hopping.

As was her custom, the evening manager was going from table to table greeting her guests. When she got to the first table, there were eight mathematicians seated. Strange, she thought, since there were only six seats, but some of them were getting a bit frisky and were sitting on others' laps.
...

Once you’ve seen one shopping center......

You’ve seen the mall.

How did a guy who works at a call center propose to a girl who works at another call center?

He gave her a ring.

What language do they speak at the center of the earth?

Core-rean

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My local garden center has become like really sketchy neighborhood.

It's filled with rakes, hoes, and there's bird shit everywhere.

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I got my dick stuck in the center of that Pixar DVD with the old man and the balloons.

TIFU.

What's at the center of a bathroom candle?

A john wick!

What do you call self-centered and egotistical sleepwear?

Prima-jamas.

A priest, an imam and a rabbit walk into a blood donor center.

The rabbit says: "I think I'm a type O."

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Billy arrived at his new job, the local garden center/general store.

Mr Howard said "Just watch how I interact with the customers, Billy, and follow my lead. We need to upsell."

"Ok," says Billy, "I'm all ears."

A man walks in and mills around the store for a while, then comes up to the counter with a packet of grass seeds.

Mr Howard engages the ...

Why was the shopping center’s father ashamed?

He didn’t raise his daughter to be a strip-mall!

After the earthquake hit, the local juvenile detention center reported...

... a number of minor injuries.

CIA assessment center

After the standard round of interviews, a good dozen of applicants sit before the director of the CIA office.

"Trust is central to our business, ladies and gentlemen. Still, intelligence, precision and punctuality are nearly as essential. So, to the test: You have an envelope with a coded add...

Why do people hate jokes about the world trade center?

Because its an easy target

What do a Middle Eastern transportation center and a mythological English kingdom have in common?

They're both camel-lots

Earlier I had to go to the Pokemon Center

For my Koffing turned into Weezing.

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I walked into my local community center.

I was visiting a local community center because I was interested in learning a new hobby.


On my way to the office, I passed a group of guys in a beat boxing class.


I walked in and decided to try and fit in with my beatboxing skills, "bootssskts bootsskts uhh uhh my name is Chri...

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Weight loss center

Fat guy walks into a radical new weight loss center, that guarantees results.

Receptionist: How many pounds do you want to lose today?
Guy: Today?! Yeah, right, let's say 2.
Receptionist: 1st floor please, room 12, you have 3 hours.

He walks in a large empty room, sees a beauti...

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance

It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised.

Rather than ask about this, the Captain stands in the back of the room and listens to Jones' sales pitch. Jones explains the...

No wonder everyone's attracted to the earths center

It is pretty hot

Some people say I'm self centered

But that's enough about them.

Working at the aluminum can recycling center is the saddest job I've had.

It's just soda pressing.

Tell me a joke about self-centered people

I’ll go first

Room for rent with bathroom just 8km from the city center.

— Nice offer, but you don't have some rooms with a bathroom closer?

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I was at the garden supply center and noticed the price of manure has almost doubled.

Shit's getting expensive.

An elderly gentleman was on his deathbed as his wife and three children and nurse stood close by

Then he spoke:“Bill, you take the Beverly Hills houses.“Mary, you take the offices in the Center Center.“Debra, the apartments over the L.A. Plaza are yours.“To my dear wife, take all the residential buildings near downtown.”
The nurse was really impressed. She said, “Your husband must have been ...

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It was entertainment night at the Senior Center.

Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: 'I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.'

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

'I want you each to keep your eye on this antique wa...

Snow White started a tutoring center for the Dwarves to teach them math.

She called it "Making the Little Things Count"

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The Hypnotist at the senior's center

One day the local senior's center brought in a hypnotist to entertain the elderly. He pulled out an old family heirloom pocket watch and waved it back and forth, slowly, repeating 'watch the watch' in a calm, soothing voice.
Back and forth it went, 'watch the watch, watch the watch' until the wh...

Did you hear about the shopping center that burned down?

Nothing was left but Kohl’s.

A man walks into an LGBTQ center

He walks up to the front desk and introduces himself. "Hello, I identify as a chocolate bar. Can I join?"


The receptionist replies "Sir, that's disgraceful! You're mocking the community. We're going to have to ask you to leave."


"You can't call me sir!" The man exclaims. "I...

Why did the duck go to the rehab center?

It had an addiction to quack.

There's going to be a big, new multi-building back pain treatment center here soon.

A Thoracic Park, if you will.
I'll see myself out now.

"This is Mission Control speaking, it appears the center of ISS has been critically damaged, is that true?"

"Core wrecked".

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A cop pulls over an old lady for speeding on a highway. He asks for her driver’s license and registration.

When she opens her wallet, he notices a conceal-carry permit.

He asks, “Ma’am, do you have a weapon in your possession at this time?”

She responds that she has a .38 Special in her purse. And a .45 in her glove box. And a 9mm Glock in the center console. And a shotgun in the trunk.
...

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A hypnotist at the senior citizens' center

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens' Center. After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show, Claude the Hypnotist!

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.

"Yes, each and every one of you a...

What do you call a shopping center for Sith lords?

A Darth mall.

There was a competition at Sydney's center point tower.

Whoever could drop their watch from the tower, get to the bottom and then catch the watch will win $100000. A man from Western Australia tried his luck by dropping his watch and running down the stairs (if there are stairs). He picked up his broken watch and left. A man from Queensland dropped his w...

Are you the Center Of Disease Control?

Cuz theres nothing flat about your curves.

(seriously we have a real problem this virus is getting worse)

What do Hillary Clinton and the World Trade Center have in common?

Both collapsed on 9/11 after becoming overheated.

Inflation in the US is so bad right now that…

- My friend received a predeclined credit card in the mail.
- CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
- Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
- McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
- Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
- Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned ...

Sam and Greg lived in a retirement center...

Sam and Greg lived in a retirement center and were sitting on a bench under a tree when Greg turned to the Sam and said, "Sam, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

Sam says, "Well, I feel just like a newborn baby."

G...

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So there's a farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says "you know what? I'm gonna learn how to do that."

So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and...

A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas.

The husband wandered off as she was standing in line, saying something about being back in a little bit.

After getting through the line, the husband wasn't back yet and since they still had more shopping to do, the wife called him on the mobile. The wife said, "Where are you?"

He said,...

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Why can't you make calls at a Nazi center?

The reception isn't great

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When Bill and Hillary Clinton got married, Bill informed Hillary that he had a shoebox under the bed, and she was never to open it under any circumstances. Hillary agreed and promised to never open the box.

Hillary respected his wish as the years went by and kept her promise. But after several years of marriage, Hillary's curiosity got the best of her. She opened the box and found several hundred dollars in cash, and a couple of empty beer cans.

She felt guilty, and confessed to Bill that she ha...

I'm gonna open a shopping center for epileptics,

and call it the Grand Mall

Why were Loki's powers centered around creating illusions?

It allows him to be low-key with his mischiefs.

A cop pulls over an old lady for speeding on a highway. He asks for her driver's license and registration.

When she opens her wallet, he notices a conceal-carry permit.

He asks, “Ma’am, do you have a weapon in your possession at this time?”

She responds "I'll bet you $100 you can't guess the answer to that question" as she slaps a crisp bill on her dashboard.

The cop rubs his chin an...

I had a job interview at the city recycling center

"Why should we hire you?" They asked.

"Have you seen my r/Jokes posts?" I replied.

What's another name for a baby adoption center?

A stork market.

What do you call a smelly fitness center

A gym-nauseam

Did you hear about the new center for gambling addiction?

Your addiction cured or double your money back!

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Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from many men.

It was laid out over five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.

The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return....

At a bus stop near the center of town

An elderly woman gets on the bus and takes a seat behind two old Italian friends engaged in conversation.

"How was your night last night, Tony?"

"Ah Giuseppe, it was a a-wonderful night-a a last-a night-a."

" You see, Emma a-come first, then I come a-next. Then our two asses a...

What’s the most lively recycling center?

The organ transplant center

Why were the people in the World Trade Center mad on 9/11 ?

Because they ordered pepperoni pizza and all they got was plane.

I'm going to start a treatment center for children with epilepsy

I'll call it little seizures.

A monk walks into a data center

And says to the owner, "Great things will come to you if you allow me to store my R.E.A.P device here."
The owner, confused, asks what a R.E.A.P device is. The monk smiles and writes a little note to the man that states: "It doesn't matter what it is but you will get great karma for R.E.A.P Hosti...

Mark donated 100 chairs to the community center.

It was a very charitable act.

The headline was "two babies found dead at recycling center..."

I'm going to hell because my first thought was "Good job. We used to just throw those away. Now we're recycling."

Why did a retirement center worker not wear a mask?

They hoped for an early retirement.

What do you call the ppl who only monkey around when you go to the fitness center to workout?

Gym pansies

I only eat the center of the egg.

Just yolking.

My buddy works at a call center

and he says that everyone's always trying to outdo each other in how many calls they can make in a given time. It's even gotten to the point where small teams have formed in different sections of the office. It sounded weird, but who am I to judge him and his call leagues?

I'm opening a fitness center for females only.

It's called Gymnecology.

A lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 50th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice luxurious hotel..

The following morning, she was appalled when the desk clerk gave her a bill for $250.00. She requested to know why the charge was too high.

"It's a nice hotel, but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast," she told the clerk.

Th...

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Joke a customer told me when I used to work at a call center

A husband is eating dinner with his wife and he decides to ask her

"honey how come you never tell me when you have an orgasm"

the wife replies "oh I just don't want to bother you while you're at work"

How do they answer the phone at the burn center?

Aloe

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Man walks into a bar on the roof of the Time Warner Center

After a few drinks he looks across at the second tower with awe, and notices a gentleman with black glasses doing the same. "Pretty cool, huh?" He says to him.

"Oh, you don't know the half of it...Did you know they specifically engineered these buildings to catch the wind and create an updraf...

Don't know why everyone freaked when I tried to hug them at the covid center

I was just trying to spread some positivity.

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A man and a woman were having lunch at the Senior Citizens Center...

..while talking, found out they both liked to fish. He asked her if she would like to go out in his boat that afternoon.

So they headed out and as they headed down the river, they came to a fork. He said to her, "Up or Down?" She ripped off her clothes and they made passionate love. A while l...

new job in call center

I got a new job with the local suicide hotline. I tried to phone in sick but they talked me out of it.

What's the difference between a woman and a tiger entering a commercial center?

The woman is shopping in the mall and the tiger is mauling in the shops.

Did you hear about the crow who worked at a call Center?

He was fired for Just Caws

What kind of pizzas did Al Qaeda deliver to the World Trade Center?

Two large plains.

What do you call a hot dog with no center?

A Hollow Weenie!

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These immigrant internment centers are worse than Nazi concentration camps

The concentration camps at least had working showers.

"Noun; the force that attracts objects towards the center of a celestial body."

"Very nice, Elphaba, but I said '_defy_ gravity'"

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What else could he say??

A young couple decided to take their 5 year old son to see the circus. After several amazing acts, the ringmaster led six bull elephants into the center ring, linked trunk to tail in the usual manner.

"What's that big thing hanging off the elephant, Mommy?" Little Johnny asked.

"That...

What's the difference between a terrorist recruitment center and an Iranian general?

I don't know, man, I'm just a pilot.

Jack, a renown atheist, dies...

... and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself.

Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith"

Satan laughs and replies: "Awh it's not so bad down here, ...

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(Slightly NSFW) Man says to his wife that he is going golfing. She gets upset because she thought they would spend the day together.

Husband says to his wife that he is going golfing. She gets upset because she thought they would spend the day together.

Husband: "honey just give me the day I need to relieve some stress. Besides You don't even golf."

Wife: "I want to learn and besides it's something we can do toget...

Working at the job center has to be tense...

Knowing if you get fired you still have to come in the next day

The American view of the world is too self-centered...

I mean on maps they literally label their country "US."

There's something making the center of my back itch

But I can't put my finger on it.

What's the difference between a rehab center and a concentration camp?

One takes addicts out of people, the other takes people out of attics.

(Works best when said out loud)

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A guy sees a huge funeral procession in the center of town...

He sees a huge police escort, followed by 2 hearses, a man walking a German Shepherd and 100 people waking single file behind this parade...

The procession stops for a minute and he goes up to the man and asks? What the hell is going on???

The man quietly answers...

My wife is ...

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I’ve been thinking about opening an archery center somewhere in Mexico...

I figured I’d call it ‘Elbow’



...please pray for my girlfriend. My brain comes up with this shit all the time and normally she is my audience. I figured I’d try re-routing things here to save her sanity.

Why couldn’t the restaurant owners open a new data center

They didn’t have enough servers

People from Maine are so self-centered

All their T-Shirts and mugs say "I ❤️ ME"!

Italian, French and Indian went for a job interview at call center

Before the interview, they were told that they must compose a sentence in English with three main words: green, pink and yellow.

The Italian was first: "I wake up in the morning, I see the yellow sun, I see the green grass and I think to myself: I hope it will be a pink day."

The Frenc...

Why are Guitar Centers built on one floor?

There are no stairways allowed

I entered a contest where the grand prize was a shopping center, but I lost

Can't win the mall

(This is not a joke) I'm a linguistic researcher that is working on the semiotic of jokes and need help to find exemples of a particular type of joke.

Hi, I hope this is not against the rules but I need help for a research paper centered around jokes, and this obviously looks like a good place for that.

I am working on linguistic structuralism to try to find the linguistic value of surprise in a joke. (I'm simplifying a lot, but i can expla...

A blonde calls a 24/7 support call center

The blonde asks what hours they are open for. The technical support person says “we are available 24 hours a day, seven days a week.” The blonde stops for a moment a thinks. After a while she asks “is that Eastern or Pacific time?”

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A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said

'Keep off the Grass.'

One sailor said to another, "Did you know that starfishes have mouths in the center of their bodies?"

"Yup," the other sailor nods, replying, "And mermaids use them as bras!"

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A guy driving his car is on his way to the city center when he gets stopped by the police

"I'm sorry sir you can't go through here we blocked the road."

"Oh come on!" The guy replies, "I need to be there!"

"Apologies sir, nobody gets in or out of the center, we are searching for a serial-rapist!"

The guy's eyes widen, "Really??" And he drives off.

About 15 min...

A local earthquake center gets an anonymous tip.

One day a local scientist named Steve was sent a mysterious email. The email read:

Steve I know who you are, and where you live. My name must remain anonymous, so as of now you may refer to me as "Somebody". Steve I contact you because my independent studies have discovered a massive earthqua...

Pretty sure I saw Michael J Fox at the garden center this morning, it certainly looked like him..

But he had his back to the fuchsia....

Wanna hear a joke about drilling a beautiful hole to the center of the Earth?

Me neither. It's probably a pretty boring pun.

What do a strip club and a Reddit data center have in common?

Both are full of big racks and lonely guys.

Do you want to invest with me into a chiropractic center?

It will be a joint venture

A Father Notices His Son's Bedroom Is Spotless, Then Finds An Envelope

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the...

Vince McMahon opened a fitness center in the memory of Randy Savage.

The Slim Gym

A Glasgow girl goes to the Civic Center to register for child benefit.

"How many children?" asks the civil servant?

"10" replies the girl.

"10???" says the civil servant.. "What are their names?"

"Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec and.....eh...Alec

"Doesn't that get confusing?" "

Naw..." says the girl "its great bec...

I took my grandma to a fish spa center where the little fish eat your dead skin for only $45.

It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery.

How do we know Americans are self-centered?

The named themselves "US".

A 10 years old boy was at the center of a Philadelphia courtroom in Pennsylvania yesterday

.... when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused t...

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