50,000 blondes met in a center for the first ever "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention

Their leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"

A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"

After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eightee...

I took my grandma to a fish spa center where the little fish eat your dead skin for only $45.

It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery.

What language do they speak at the center of the earth?

Core-ean

How long does it take to draw a line through a circle without going through the center?

About a secant

Once you’ve seen one shopping center......

You’ve seen the mall.

Italian, French and Indian went for a job interview at call center

Before the interview, they were told that they must compose a sentence in English with three main words: green, pink and yellow.

The Italian was first: "I wake up in the morning, I see the yellow sun, I see the green grass and I think to myself: I hope it will be a pink day."

The Frenc...

What's the difference between a rehab center and a concentration camp?

One takes addicts out of people, the other takes people out of attics.

(Works best when said out loud)

Private Jones was assigned to the Army induction center,

where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their Serviceman's Group Life Insurance (SGLI). It wasn't long before the center's Lieutenant noticed that Private Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.

Rather than ...

A monk walks into a data center

And says to the owner, "Great things will come to you if you allow me to store my R.E.A.P device here."
The owner, confused, asks what a R.E.A.P device is. The monk smiles and writes a little note to the man that states: "It doesn't matter what it is but you will get great karma for R.E.A.P Hosti...

I looked up the nearest recycling center in my area in google maps and asked for directions

It opened up this subreddit

What do you call it when someone starts acting like an angry center divider?

They're in mean median mode.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' center.

After the community sing along led by Frank at the piano, it was time for the star of the show- "Larry the Hypnotist". Larry explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. "Each and every one of you, and all at the same time!" he said.
The excited chatter dropped to sile...

The EU just passed a new law and one member signed directly in the center of the document

No one expects the Spanish ink position.

A doctor who ran his clinic out of a shopping center was shut down this week...

He was sued for mall-practice.

When I get in the car after my wife had driven it, I only have to flip the center mirror lever.

The difference in our height is like night and day.

Why couldn’t the restaurant owners open a new data center

They didn’t have enough servers

I entered a contest where the grand prize was a shopping center, but I lost

Can't win the mall

Working at the Job Center has to be a tense job..

Knowing that if you get fired you still have to come in the next day!

I only eat the center of the egg.

Just yolking.

My buddy works at a call center

and he says that everyone's always trying to outdo each other in how many calls they can make in a given time. It's even gotten to the point where small teams have formed in different sections of the office. It sounded weird, but who am I to judge him and his call leagues?

How do they answer the phone at the burn center?

Aloe

Wanna hear a joke about drilling a beautiful hole to the center of the Earth?

Me neither. It's probably a pretty boring pun.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I’ve been thinking about opening an archery center somewhere in Mexico...

I figured I’d call it ‘Elbow’



...please pray for my girlfriend. My brain comes up with this shit all the time and normally she is my audience. I figured I’d try re-routing things here to save her sanity.

Why are Guitar Centers built on one floor?

There are no stairways allowed

So now I’m banned from going to the laser tag fun center

They said I’m not allowed to use melee attacks

Meineke car center opened up 3 sister stores today

Meibacke, Meipusse, and Meicracke

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

20 years into the future, NASA has a program for the public to travel to all planets. NASA has a Kennedy Space Center Ticket kiosk, run by Neil deGrasse. A man walks up with $200 "One ticket to soar around Uranus." Neil: "Here you go, you must take the proper precautions,the journey is rough."

"You have to pass through a black hole to get there."

What do a strip club and a Reddit data center have in common?

Both are full of big racks and lonely guys.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man and a woman were having lunch at the Senior Citizens Center...

..while talking, found out they both liked to fish. He asked her if she would like to go out in his boat that afternoon.

So they headed out and as they headed down the river, they came to a fork. He said to her, "Up or Down?" She ripped off her clothes and they made passionate love. A while l...

Working at the aluminum can recycling center is the saddest job I've had.

It's just soda pressing.

A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said

'Keep off the Grass.'

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Alien ship lands in the city center..

and out come two humanoid male and female aliens, who look pretty much human except they are blue in colour and have antennas where their ears should be.

They are immediately surrounded by a huge crowd, media has set up their booths and world leaders approach them to make contact.

The...

What do Hillary Clinton and the World Trade Center have in common?

Both collapsed on 9/11 after becoming overheated.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Husband says to his wife that he is going golfing. She gets upset because she thought they would spend the day together.

Husband: "honey just give me the day I need to relieve some stress. Besides You don't even golf."


Wife: "I want to learn and besides it's something we can do together."


The husband begrudgingly accepts his wife request and they go to the golf course. On the first tee the hu...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I told my gf to give me a blowjob like that Tootsie pop commercial, "How many licks to the center of a Tootsie pop?"

I'm currently being rushed to the hospital and as of now the world may never know.

Vince McMahon opened a fitness center in the memory of Randy Savage.

The Slim Gym

Tallahassee, FL (AP) - A 7 year old boy was at the center of a court room drama yesterday when he challenged the court’s ruling of who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents, and was initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beats him mo...

Why were the people in the World Trade Center mad on 9/11 ?

Because they ordered pepperoni pizza and all they got was plane.

There's something making the center of my back itch

But I can't put my finger on it.

A young guy goes to the Job Center in Charleston, West Virginia, and sees a flyer advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant at a Soothing Approach Gynecology Center.

Interested, he wants to learn more. "Can you give me some more details?" he asks the clerk.

The clerk pulls up a file and says, "The job entails helping ladies get ready for the gynecologist in a soothing and relaxing manner. You have to help them out of their underwear, lay them down and ca...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I walked into my local community center.

I was visiting a local community center because I was interested in learning a new hobby.


On my way to the office, I passed a group of guys in a beat boxing class.


I walked in and decided to try and fit in with my beatboxing skills, "bootssskts bootsskts uhh uhh my name is Chri...

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree.

One turns to the other and says, "John, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age, how do you feel?"

John replies, "I feel just like a newborn baby."

"Really! Like a newborn baby, you say?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, I wear a diaper, and...

A blonde calls a 24/7 support call center

The blonde asks what hours they are open for. The technical support person says “we are available 24 hours a day, seven days a week.” The blonde stops for a moment a thinks. After a while she asks “is that Eastern or Pacific time?”

I was visiting my hometown and I drove past the data recovery center I used to work at.

It really brought back a lot of memories.

Why is your nose in the middle of your face?

It's the scenter.

Game 7

It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. "No" says the neighbor. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the ...

CIA assessment center

After the standard round of interviews, a good dozen of applicants sit before the director of the CIA office.

"Trust is central to our business, ladies and gentlemen. Still, intelligence, precision and punctuality are nearly as essential. So, to the test: You have an envelope with a coded add...

A local earthquake center gets an anonymous tip.

One day a local scientist named Steve was sent a mysterious email. The email read:

Steve I know who you are, and where you live. My name must remain anonymous, so as of now you may refer to me as "Somebody". Steve I contact you because my independent studies have discovered a massive earthqua...

A well dressed 80yr old man walks into the senior center...

he stops, surveys the room and sees an attractive 70 yr old lady sitting by herself. he adjust his tie and walks over to her.
" So," He says, " do I come here often?"

What kind of pizzas did Al Qaeda deliver to the World Trade Center?

Two large plains.

An explorer goes into an undiscovered tomb for the first time, and in the center of the tomb there’s a lamp.

An explorer goes into an undiscovered tomb for the first time, and in the center of the tomb there’s a lamp. He picks it up, and as he starts to rub the dirt off of it, a genie comes out of the lamp and says, “I want to know the person you hate the most.” The explorer says, “That’s gotta be my ex-wi...

I like my women like the World Trade Centers

Tall, hot, and going down

I walked into a PETA adoption center and the receptionist asked me what kind of dog I wanted

Apparently "Whatever's low in cholesterol" was not the right answer.

Have you seen the new recycling center around here?

No?

But you're already in /r/jokes

Jack, a renown atheist, dies...

... and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself.

Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith"

Satan laughs and replies: "Awh it's not so bad down here, ...

CBS just greenlit a new soap opera centered around stoners

they're calling it "Mellow Drama".

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Hypnotist at the senior's center

One day the local senior's center brought in a hypnotist to entertain the elderly. He pulled out an old family heirloom pocket watch and waved it back and forth, slowly, repeating 'watch the watch' in a calm, soothing voice.
Back and forth it went, 'watch the watch, watch the watch' until the wh...

What does United Airlines and The United Center have in common?

The cheap seat are nosebleed seats.

Sales pitch

Bubba Joe's first military assignment was to a military induction center, and, because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about the government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled.

Before long the Captain in charge of the ind...

A couple are Christmas shopping.

The shopping center is packed, and as the wife walks through one of the stores, she is surprised when she looks around to find that her husband is nowhere to be seen. She is quite upset because they had a lot to do. She becomes so worried that she calls him to ask where he is. In a quiet voice he sa...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman finds a lost boy in the shopping center.

Woman: Where are your parents?

Boy: I don’t know!

Woman: What is your mummy’s name?

Boy: (looking confused) Mummy.

Woman: OK, what does daddy call.
mummy?

Boy: You Fucking Whore.

The World Trade Center had a Speed-Reading club

they went thru fifty stories in thirty seconds

A Glasgow girl goes to the Civic Center to register for child benefit.

"How many children?" asks the civil servant?

"10" replies the girl.

"10???" says the civil servant.. "What are their names?"

"Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec and.....eh...Alec

"Doesn't that get confusing?" "

Naw..." says the girl "its great bec...

What's the worst part about locking your keys in your car, outside of a planned parenthood center?

Having to go inside and ask for a coat-hanger.

new job in call center

I got a new job with the local suicide hotline. I tried to phone in sick but they talked me out of it.

(Old and not mine) A man dies and goes to heaven

When he gets there he sees a wall of immeasurable proportions made entirely of clocks with a gate in the center. He sees an angel in front of the gate so he asks

“What do all of these clocks represent?”

To which the angel replies,

“These are the clocks of man, every person tha...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Marketing explained

* You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Direct Marketing.

______________________________

* You're a woman and you’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to...

I work in a call center and a customer told me this one.

A lonely man puts in ad out in the paper looking for a wife.

the next day he gets 100 responses all from men saying "you can have mine"

Will you marry me...

There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known each other for a number of years. Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the mea...

A man is on a cross-country trip when he picks up a hitchhiker.

During a lull in the conversation, the hitchhiker notices a brown paper bag resting in the center console. The driver notices his glance and says, “That’s a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife.”

The hitchhiker replies, “That’s a pretty good trade.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Just walked by a senior center celebrating pride...

... It looked like they were having a gay old time

What does a pulley like best about its position?

Being the center of a tension.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three men are stranded on a desert island. (Long) (NSFW)

Three men wash up on a desert island. They don’t know each other and don’t know where they are. Soon, they get very hungry. They go into the island to see if they can find any food. They happen to stumble upon an enormous cache of perfectly ripe fruits. They eat to their heart’s delight, and when th...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

TIFU by messing my teams multi milion dollar project

So i work for this big organization that has been working on quite an important project. That is, to take a picture of a certain object.
I am a temp and my job was to move the file from our local server to a safe drive so we can move the file (yes the file is that big) to another center. ...

I want to tell the sun to stop being so self-centered

But the world does revolve around him

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Another stutterer

A guy with a terrible stutter goes to the doctor. Doctor examines him, and says, "I'm afraid the problem is your large penis. It requires such an enormous blood supply, not enough blood is reaching the speech center in your brain."

"W-w-well, what c-c-can I d-d-do?" asks the guy.

"We c...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Doug Pender lived all his life in the Florida Keys and is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons, are with him.

He asks for two witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place
to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:

"My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Ocean Reef houses."

"My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments between mile markers 100 and Tavernier."<...