Did you hear about the race between the giraffe and the ostrich?

It was neck and neck the whole way.

A guy walks into a bar with an Ostrich

A man walks Into a bar with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, “A hamburger, fries and a beer,” and turns to the ostrich, “What’s yours?”
“I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. “That wi...

A man walks into a bar with an ostrich.

A man walks into a bar with an ostrich. He sits down at the bar, and the bartender asks him: "What can I get ya?"
The man: "I'll have two whiskeys please."
"That'll be $5.56.
The man pulls out exactly 5 dollars and 56 cents from his pocket. He puts it down on the bar, takes his whiskey, dri...

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A guy walks into a bar, followed by an ostrich, followed by a cat.

All three sit down at the bar. The bartender looks at the man and says, “What’ll ya have?” The man says, “Gimme a beer.” The ostrich says, “I’ll have one too.” The cat says, “I want two beers, but I’m only gonna pay half price.” The bartender serves up four beers, and tells the man, “that’ll be $12....

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A man goes into a bar followed by an ostrich.

He gets a beer and a sandwich. When he asked the bartender for the bill the bartender replied: "$7 33 cents"

The man puts his hand in his jacket pocket and randomly grabs a few bills and coins and drops it on the table. To the bartender's surprise it was exactly $7 33 cents.
"That was for...

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An Englishman walks into a pub with an ostrich and a talking cat...

He goes to the barkeep and orders a beer. The bartender says "That'll be £1.50"
The man looks over to the cat, who scoffs and says, "I ain't paying for that shit!"
The man sighs, reaches into his pocket and pulls out exactly £1.50 and hands it to the bartender.
The bartender finds this odd...

A man is eating dinner at a very nice restaurant with his Ostrich...

and as they finish up, the waitress brings him the bill. He owes exactly $84.38. The Ostrich takes a long drag from his cigarette, and without looking or hesitating the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exactly enough to pay the bill. The waitress was impressed but didn’t really give it a se...

A man walks into a bar with an ostrich

he goes up to the bar and say "I'll have a bud." The ostrich nods and goes "I'll have a bud too." The bartender shrugs and goes "That'll be $9.78" The guy reaches into his pocket, and without looking pulls out a wad of cash and hands it to the bartender. He counts it out and it's exactly $9.78. The ...

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A man walks into a pub with an ostrich under one arm and a cat under the other...

When he approaches the bar to order a pint the cat says “I’m not paying, I’m not paying, I’m not paying!”

After the third pint with the cat refusing to pay the bar tender asks “What’s with the ostrich and the cat?”

The man replies annoyed “It’s your bloody pub, The Wishing Well. I thre...

What do you call an ostrich going trough their emo stage?

An emu

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A guy walks in to a bar with a cat and an ostrich.

He orders a pint for himself a whiskey for the ostrich and a vodka for the cat.

Half an hour later the ostrich comes up to the bar and orders a whiskey for himself, a pint for the guy and a vodka for the cat.

Half an hour later the man comes to the bar and orders again... this goes on...

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A man, an ostrich and a cat walk into a restaurant...

The man and his companions sit down at a table and a waitress walks over to them to take their order.

"I'll have a 16oz Steak with all the trimmings and a bottle of champagne." The man says.

The waitress nods and turns towards the ostrich, who seems confused.

"Oh! Uh, I'll, um.....

I know this bird who was excluded from his flock for being too big

He was ostrich-sized :/

A guy walks into a diner with an ostrich.

The waitress comes up to take their order. The guy says, "I'll have the fried mozarella sticks, triple bacon cheeseburger, and extra fries with chili and cheese on them."

The waitress looks at the guy, stunned- he's in great shape, and she's amazed that he could eat like that and maintain his...

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A man, an ostrich and a cat walk into a bar...

One day, a man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat. The man orders a beer, and so does the ostrich. The cat orders half a pint, and refuses to tip the bartender. The bartender tells them their bill is $10.78. The man reaches into his pocket and gets exactly $10.78.

The next day, the ma...

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A man, an ostrich, and a cat.

A man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat and sits at the bar. The bartender walks over to them and says, "What can I get for you?"
The man says "I'll have a beer", the ostrich says, "I'll have a beer", and the cat says, "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." So the bartender says, "O...

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A guy drives up to a diner in a Tesla...

Dressed to the 9s, and clearly not hurting for money. He gets out of the car and is accompanied by an ostrich and a cat. The unlikely trio go into the diner and find a place to sit. When the waitress comes to take their order, the man orders the meatloaf, the ostrich also orders the meatloaf, and th...

A guy walks into a bar with an ostrich...

He sits down at a table and orders a meal for him and his bird. After the meal, and the check was delivered, the waitress noticed the man pulled out his wallet and dumped the exact amount of the bill onto the table plus a generous whole number tip. She was surprised but grateful so didn't mention an...

The world's largest egg is laid by the Ostrich...

And the world's largest woman is laid by your dad.

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A Man, an Ostrich, and a Cat, Walk Into a Bar...

The bartender, used to these sorts of jokes, lets it slide. "What'll you have?" he asks the trio.

"I'll have a pint," the man says.
"Just a Coke for me," says the ostrich.
"I'll have a scotch," the cat says. He looks at the man, "so long as you're buying."

"Right," the bartender ...

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A man walks into a bar, followed by an ostrich and a black cat...

He sits at the bar, orders a beer and a burger, and enjoys quietly his meal while the crowd stares at the animals. When he's finished, he blindly reaches into his pocket and pulls exactly the right amount of cash to pay the bill plus tip, and walks away with his ostrich and his cat.

The next ...

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What have an Ostrich, a Pelican, and the tax man got in common?

They can all stick their bills up their arse.

(Credit: Billy Connolly)

A guy walks into a bar with an ostrich...

A guy walks into a bar with an ostrich following him. He bellies up to the bar and asks the bartender for a beer. The ostrich says "I'll have the same!"

The bartender is surprised, but he puts two beers on the bar and says "that'll be $8.52". The guy reaches into his pocket and pulls out exac...

What do you get when a condor, an ostrich, and an eagle walk into a bar?

Three golfers lying about their game

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A guy walks into a bar with a ostrich and a cat

...and the trio sits down to order a drink. When the bartender asks what they'd like, the man says he'll have a beer.

The ostrich says, "Me too!"

The cat says, "Me too, but I'm *not* buying!"

So the man says, "Relax, don't worry, I've got it."

So the three of them drink ...

Why couldn't the ostrich fit in with the rest of the chickens?

It was ostrich-cized from the chicken coop.

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What do you do when you are riding a horse, and a cheetah and ostrich are chasing you?

You get your drunk ass off the carousel!

A Guy/Gal walks into a bar with an Ostrich/Race-horse

A good-looking young man (or woman) and an ostrich (or racehorse) walk into a bar. The two sit down, order some nachos and wind up drinking a few beers by the end of the night. When it comes time to pay the tab, the (wo)man reaches into his/her pocket and dumps a slightly-crumpled mess of bills and ...

I need help finding a joke a homeless guy told me.

Hello reddit, (I hope the mods don’t mind)
Today I saw a guy holding up a sign that said “will work for food” so I stop at a gas station and I bought a cheese burger, a bottle of pop and cookie. then I drove back to where he was and I gave him the food, he was really happy and grateful and he wa...

Repost

A friend of mine posted a joke about an ostrich with a broken leg 2 years ago. so many people have reposted it since then that it's still running.

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The ostrich

A man and an ostrich pull up to a main-street pub in a brand-new ferrari. They park up and enter the bar. The man says to the bartender, "Lemme get a cheeseburger, some chips, and a pint of lager." The ostrich leans forward and says, "I'll have the same."

They finish eating and receive the bi...

A dyslexic terrorist has stormed in to London Zoo making random demands.

He has taken six ostriches.

I released a flock of birds at my friend's wedding, just like they asked, but now they aren't speaking to me.

How was i supposed to know ostriches weren't an acceptable choice?

A great big bird with a long neck strapped me into a chair and put a gun to my head.

I guess you could say I was held ostrich.

The majestic lion

Lions, as everyone knows, are the kings of the animal kingdom. Apex predators of the Serengiti, there are few who can stand steady in the face of their mighty roar.

Unfortunately for lions, however, they are rather limited in their mobility. When it comes to such places as ice, water, and air...

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This bloke walks into a bar...

This bloke walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat.
The bloke says "let's have a drink then" the ostrich nods but the cat freaks out an says " ok but I'm definately not paying"
The bloke sighs and gets 3 drinks from the barman sits down with the cat and the ostrich and drinks up.
After...

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A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar with an ostrich under one arm and a cat under the other.

The man orders a pint for himself and one for the ostrich.

The cat says "Don't think for a moment I'm paying for this!".

The bartender looks puzzled but diligently pours two pints.

The man ...

A man walks out of a bar...

He realizes he must be drunk after having seen an Irishman, Englishman and a Scotsman drinking together, A horse, 2 chemists (one dead), a piano player, a dog, a monkey, an octopus, 007, an ostrich as well as a befuddled bartender tending to countless men walking into the bar...

What did the man robbing the zoo say to the police?

Don't come any closer, I've got ostriches!

Why couldn't Big Bird hang out with the sesame street gang?

Because he was ostrich-sized...

A buddy of mine is working on a program to fit large birds with new clothes, but he only gives them to birds with black feathers.

I said "Wow, that's some ostracizing ostrich-sizing!"

How did the emu feel when his friends disowned him for being too big?

Ostrich-sized.

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A man walks into a restaurant...

... with an ostrich that can magically speak. He asks to be seated and the waitress asks if the seat she shows him is alright. The ostrich replies instead saying "Whatever he says is fine with me!".

When it is time to order the man chooses, and the ostrich chooses the exact same drinks, star...

Why were the camels wearing sandals?

To stop themselves sinking into the sand.
Why did the ostrich stick its head in the sand?
To look at the camels who forgot to put their sandals on.

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