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Did you hear about the race between the giraffe and the ostrich?

It was neck and neck the whole way.

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A man walks into a bar with a donkey and an ostrich.

He sits down at the counter and asks for a beer.

“That will be 5.98$, sir.”, the bartender says.

The man, puts his hand into his pocket and pulls out 5 dollars and 98 cents in exact change.

“How much will it cost to buy everyone here a round of drinks?”, the man asks, taking a s...

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A guy walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks for their orders. The guy says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $18.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket an...

What do you call an ostrich that practices dark magic?

An ostwitch!

I used to love telling jokes about penguins and ostriches

But it turns out they don't really fly around here

When ostriches are in a group it's called a flock.

But if they go at it alone they are ostracized.

Why is an ostrich wealthy?

Because if it wasn't it would be an ostpoor.

A polygamist lion walks into a bar with 3 of his wives: a giraffe, an ostrich and a llama.

He walks up to the bar and asks the rhino bartender to recommend a beer.

Rhino: "Sure, we have lots of great choices on tap."

Lion: "C'mon man... Can't you see I prefer longnecks?"

I decided to keep an ostrich as a pet.

But after a few weeks I felt I was being ostracized and thought it best to give him to another home.

A man goes into a restaurant with an ostrich

They sit down and order:

'I'd like a hamburger, fries and a Coke,' says the man, then turns towards the ostrich. 'And you?'

'The same', says the ostrich.

A few minutes later, the waitress brings the food and the bill.

'$6.40,' she says.

The man takes out the exact ...

Why are ostriches grumpy?

Because they are not emus.

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A guy walks into a bar, followed by an ostrich, followed by a cat.

All three sit down at the bar. The bartender looks at the man and says, “What’ll ya have?” The man says, “Gimme a beer.” The ostrich says, “I’ll have one too.” The cat says, “I want two beers, but I’m only gonna pay half price.” The bartender serves up four beers, and tells the man, “that’ll be $12....

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A man and an ostrich walk into a bar...

The man asks for a beer and the bartender obliges.

"Ahem," says the ostrich. The bartender looks up at it. It nods its head at the beer in front of the man and says, "I'll have the same." Bartender shrugs and gets a second beer for the bird.

After a few hours of drinking in silence, th...

The world's largest egg is laid by the Ostrich...

And the world's largest woman is laid by your dad.

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A man walked into a pub with an ostrich and a pussy cat.

A man walked into a pub with an ostrich and a pussy cat.

He walked up the the bar and said "Beer for me, beer for the ostrich, whiskey for the cat."

They found a table, sat down and drank their drinks.

After they finished their drinks, it was the ostrich's turn to buy a round.<...

The French chef's apprentice really messed up when he dropped an ostrich egg on the floor.

Big ouef

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A Guy, An Ostrich, and a Cat

Guy goes in a bar with an ostrich and a cat. He orders a beer for himself, a soda for the ostrich, and gin on the rocks for the cat. They drink their drinks, the guy pays with the EXACT change, the cat yells, "I'm not payin!," and they leave. The next day they all come back to the same bar, the g...

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A man, an ostrich, and a cat.

A man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat and sits at the bar. The bartender walks over to them and says, "What can I get for you?"
The man says "I'll have a beer", the ostrich says, "I'll have a beer", and the cat says, "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." So the bartender says, "O...

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A guy walks into a diner with an ostrich.

The waitress comes up to take their order. The guy says, "I'll have the fried mozarella sticks, triple bacon cheeseburger, and extra fries with chili and cheese on them."

The waitress looks at the guy, stunned- he's in great shape, and she's amazed that he could eat like that and maintain his...

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A Guy and an Ostrich Walk into a Bar

The guy tells the bartender: "I'll have a whisky." The ostrich says: "I'll have the same."

The bartender gives them their drinks, and when they finish, tells them: "That'll be 7.46$."

The guy reaches into his pocket and pulls out 7 dollars and 46 cents exactly, without even having paus...

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A man, an ostrich and a cat walk into a bar...

One day, a man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat. The man orders a beer, and so does the ostrich. The cat orders half a pint, and refuses to tip the bartender. The bartender tells them their bill is $10.78. The man reaches into his pocket and gets exactly $10.78.

The next day, the ma...

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A man goes into a bar followed by an ostrich.

He gets a beer and a sandwich. When he asked the bartender for the bill the bartender replied: "$7 33 cents"

The man puts his hand in his jacket pocket and randomly grabs a few bills and coins and drops it on the table. To the bartender's surprise it was exactly $7 33 cents.
"That was for...

For over 30,000 years humans gave social "likes" by sharing beads made from ostrich eggs.

I guess you might call them emu-jis.

Why did the emu lose all his friends when he grew a few feet taller?

Because he was ostrich sized.

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A man, an ostrich and a cat walk into a bar

A man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat, the man says to the bartender "I'll have a pint of lager please"

The ostrich says "and I'll have the same"

The cat then says "Gin & tonic for me, but I'm not paying!"

The bartender looks a bit perplexed but announces ...

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A man, an ostrich and a cat walk into a restaurant...

The man and his companions sit down at a table and a waitress walks over to them to take their order.

"I'll have a 16oz Steak with all the trimmings and a bottle of champagne." The man says.

The waitress nods and turns towards the ostrich, who seems confused.

"Oh! Uh, I'll, um.....

I put a " No Flyers" sign on my front door

The next day I was sent Two Emus and an Ostrich

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A man is eating dinner at a very nice restaurant with his Ostrich...

and as they finish up, the waitress brings him the bill. He owes exactly $84.38. The Ostrich takes a long drag from his cigarette, and without looking or hesitating the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exactly enough to pay the bill. The waitress was impressed but didn’t really give it a se...

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What have an Ostrich, a Pelican, and the tax man got in common?

They can all stick their bills up their arse.

(Credit: Billy Connolly)

I dunno, seems like a joke to me

Never use poems in evil ways. Well I'm

gonna do exactly that. I might as well

give you the knowledge that

you will be pranked **hard**. So leave. Still reading? You don't give

up easily. You should've

never read this. Let me just tell you that you're

gonna h...

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A man walks into a bar with an ostrich.

A man walks into a bar with an ostrich. He sits down at the bar, and the bartender asks him: "What can I get ya?"
The man: "I'll have two whiskeys please."
"That'll be $5.56.
The man pulls out exactly 5 dollars and 56 cents from his pocket. He puts it down on the bar, takes his whiskey, dri...

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A guy walks in to a bar with a cat and an ostrich.

He orders a pint for himself a whiskey for the ostrich and a vodka for the cat.

Half an hour later the ostrich comes up to the bar and orders a whiskey for himself, a pint for the guy and a vodka for the cat.

Half an hour later the man comes to the bar and orders again... this goes on...

A guy walks into a bar with an ostrich...

He sits down at a table and orders a meal for him and his bird. After the meal, and the check was delivered, the waitress noticed the man pulled out his wallet and dumped the exact amount of the bill onto the table plus a generous whole number tip. She was surprised but grateful so didn't mention an...

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A Man, an Ostrich, and a Cat, Walk Into a Bar...

The bartender, used to these sorts of jokes, lets it slide. "What'll you have?" he asks the trio.

"I'll have a pint," the man says.
"Just a Coke for me," says the ostrich.
"I'll have a scotch," the cat says. He looks at the man, "so long as you're buying."

"Right," the bartender ...

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A man walks into a pub with an ostrich under one arm and a cat under the other...

When he approaches the bar to order a pint the cat says “I’m not paying, I’m not paying, I’m not paying!”

After the third pint with the cat refusing to pay the bar tender asks “What’s with the ostrich and the cat?”

The man replies annoyed “It’s your bloody pub, The Wishing Well. I thre...

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A man walks into a bar with an ostrich

he goes up to the bar and say "I'll have a bud." The ostrich nods and goes "I'll have a bud too." The bartender shrugs and goes "That'll be $9.78" The guy reaches into his pocket, and without looking pulls out a wad of cash and hands it to the bartender. He counts it out and it's exactly $9.78. The ...

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The ostrich

A man and an ostrich pull up to a main-street pub in a brand-new ferrari. They park up and enter the bar. The man says to the bartender, "Lemme get a cheeseburger, some chips, and a pint of lager." The ostrich leans forward and says, "I'll have the same."

They finish eating and receive the bi...

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A guy walks into a bar with a ostrich and a cat

...and the trio sits down to order a drink. When the bartender asks what they'd like, the man says he'll have a beer.

The ostrich says, "Me too!"

The cat says, "Me too, but I'm *not* buying!"

So the man says, "Relax, don't worry, I've got it."

So the three of them drink ...

Called the vets this morning...

Me: "Hello, I need to make an appointment for my pet Ostrich."

Vet: "Ok what's the problem?"

Me: "He's holding his head to one side."

Vet: "Hmm, maybe neck's weak?"

Me: "Haven't you got anything sooner?"

I need help finding a joke a homeless guy told me.

Hello reddit, (I hope the mods don’t mind)
Today I saw a guy holding up a sign that said “will work for food” so I stop at a gas station and I bought a cheese burger, a bottle of pop and cookie. then I drove back to where he was and I gave him the food, he was really happy and grateful and he wa...

Why couldn't the ostrich fit in with the rest of the chickens?

It was ostrich-cized from the chicken coop.

A hen lays a shockingly huge egg.

News reporters visit the hen for an interview. “This is amazing,” they tell the hen, “a two pound egg, that’s unheard of!

Do you have any goals for the future?”

“Yes, I’m really aiming for a four pounder!” says the hen proudly.

“And you, sir, congratulations,” the reporters app...

Repost

A friend of mine posted a joke about an ostrich with a broken leg 2 years ago. so many people have reposted it since then that it's still running.

What do you get when a condor, an ostrich, and an eagle walk into a bar?

Three golfers lying about their game

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A Guy/Gal walks into a bar with an Ostrich/Race-horse

A good-looking young man (or woman) and an ostrich (or racehorse) walk into a bar. The two sit down, order some nachos and wind up drinking a few beers by the end of the night. When it comes time to pay the tab, the (wo)man reaches into his/her pocket and dumps a slightly-crumpled mess of bills and ...

have you heard about the emu who was kicked out of the emu gang?

he was ostrich-sized.

An interesting title

In high school kids used to say i resembled a large bird so they would exclude me from activities.

I guess that would make me Ostrich-sized

The lion’s birthday is coming up and he wants entertainment.

So he tells the zebra to find the funniest animal in the whole kingdom. In order to do this the zebra decides to hold a competition in which animals will have to compete in front of a judge. Whoever the first one to makemake the judge laugh wins and will perform for the lion.

So the first thi...

Why did the chicken get kicked out of the coop?

Because it was ostrich-sized.

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My gf thought I had a big cock

It was actually a ostrich.

Some African animals playing cards in Las Vegas.

Lion: Stop taking extremely quick glances at my card, you're a cheetah!

Cheetah: No, your Lion!

Warthog: You guys are just ignoring the guy with the super long nose who can suck up cards while nobody notices.

Elephant: Well I wouldn't be so hungry for cards if you weren't HOGGIN...

Why did big bird develop a complex?

Because he was ostrich-sized.

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The moral of the story.

One day a monkey was walking in the jungle when he heard a terrible screeching sound. He ran on further to find that an Ostrich was stuck in the deep mud near a watering hole. The monkey dare not try to go into the mud, he tried to find a branch from a tree.. but it was too small. He had no rope. Wa...

BREAKING: A dyslexic terrorist had stormed the zoo

He has taken 6 ostriches

Your mama is so fat...

When she wants to eat some hot wings an ostrich must die

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My dad told me this one so i thought i share it here

A man, a lepricorn and an ostrich walk into a bar. They order their drinks and immediately the lepricorn starts saying im not paying for this, no fucking way am i paying for this, theirs no fucking way. The barman looks confused as the lepricorn continues to swear and the ostrich continues to give h...

I released a flock of birds at my friend's wedding, just like they asked, but now they aren't speaking to me.

How was i supposed to know ostriches weren't an acceptable choice?

The majestic lion

Lions, as everyone knows, are the kings of the animal kingdom. Apex predators of the Serengiti, there are few who can stand steady in the face of their mighty roar.

Unfortunately for lions, however, they are rather limited in their mobility. When it comes to such places as ice, water, and air...

A man walks out of a bar...

He realizes he must be drunk after having seen an Irishman, Englishman and a Scotsman drinking together, A horse, 2 chemists (one dead), a piano player, a dog, a monkey, an octopus, 007, an ostrich as well as a befuddled bartender tending to countless men walking into the bar...

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A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar with an ostrich under one arm and a cat under the other.

The man orders a pint for himself and one for the ostrich.

The cat says "Don't think for a moment I'm paying for this!".

The bartender looks puzzled but diligently pours two pints.

The man ...

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This bloke walks into a bar...

This bloke walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat.
The bloke says "let's have a drink then" the ostrich nods but the cat freaks out an says " ok but I'm definately not paying"
The bloke sighs and gets 3 drinks from the barman sits down with the cat and the ostrich and drinks up.
After...

What did the man robbing the zoo say to the police?

Don't come any closer, I've got ostriches!

How did the emu feel when his friends disowned him for being too big?

Ostrich-sized.

A great big bird with a long neck strapped me into a chair and put a gun to my head.

I guess you could say I was held ostrich.

Did you hear about the large bird that tried to join a small bird club?

Unfortunately, he was Ostrich sized :(

A buddy of mine is working on a program to fit large birds with new clothes, but he only gives them to birds with black feathers.

I said "Wow, that's some ostracizing ostrich-sizing!"

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