A lamb, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff.

*baa-dum-tssssssssss*

A teacher goes for a long walk on the beach. She finds a shiny magic lamb, picks it up, and rubs it.

There is a puff of blue smoke and a genie pops out. “You have three wishes. I can give you anything in the world. If I fail, I must become your personal genie for eternity.”

The teacher thinks for a moment and says, “For my first wish, I want jewels. Silver, gold, platinum, whatever you have....

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Last night I was sitting in the couch and watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen " what do you want for dinner honey? Chicken, beef or lamb?

I replied "Thank you love. I feel like having chicken."

She replied " You're having soup you fat bastard. I'm talking to the dog."

Alternative nursery rhymes

Mary had a little lamb, her father shot it dead. Now it goes to school with her, between two chunks of bread.

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Mary had a little lamb, It ran into a pylon.

10,000 volts went up its arse,

And turned its wool to nylon.

Mary had a little lamb.

The doctor was amazed this happened.

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If a bear shits in the woods, where does his friend the lamb go?

The baathroom.

*new dad, first OC dad-joke of my own*

If God had a Lamborghini...

it'd be the Lam of God.

If Mary gave birth to Jesus and Jesus is the lamb of God.....

Does that mean Mary have a little lamb?

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please."

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot acro...

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A guy walks up to his wife with a lamb under his arm...

A guy walks up to his wife with a lamb under his arm.



He loudly proclaims, "This is the pig I used to fuck."



The wife says, "That's not a pig, it's a lamb."



The man replies, "I wasn't speaking to you."

When Mary had a baby boy, the wise men weren't surprised...

...but you should have seen their eyes when she had the little lamb.

I only had 5 minutes to season my Lamb before it went in the oven

It was a race agaisnt thyme

What do you call a crocodile that will only eat sacrificed lambs?

A Halalligator.

What do you call dentures made for sheep?

Lamb chops!

My wife asked me what the price of lamb meat is. I told her I didn’t know much but...

I know it ain’t sheep.

Why didn't Gordon Ramsay upvote the picture of the lamb steak?

Because it was /r/aww

Why'd the lamb crash the car

Cause he was a sheep at the wheel

When Mary had a little lamb, The doctor was surprised.

But when Old MacDonald had a farm, The doctor nearly died.

Why wasn't the little lamb allowed to frolic in the meadow with the other little lambs?

Because he had a serious gambolling problem.

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The Jamaican restaurant informed me that they're getting low on lamb meat.

Or in other words:

THE JERK STORE CALLED AND THEY'RE RUNNING OUT OF EWE.

I took a class on 'The Silence of the Lambs'

It was a Hannibal lecture.

What do you call 2 lambs dating?

A relationSHEEP.

The lion decided to invite everyone to his birthday party. But, him being the king, he ordered everybody to bring him meat as a present, or else he will hit them with his massive dong. And soon, the day came and all the animals lined up infront of the lion's cave with their presents.

The Wolf wanted to gift the King lamb, the fox had a chicken, the leopard an antilope, and so on...The lion greeted all of his guests and welcomed them to the party. Suddenly, the rabbit stood infront of him with a carrot. All guests went silent. The lion looked him in the eyes and said: " You know...

In USA being -on the lamb- means:

:Running away from the Police, because they committed a crime.
In Wales it means...well, something else.

Mary had a little lamb.

The event made medical history.

I went to the butchers and asked if he had a lambs head

No he replied, it's just how I come my hair.

At what point does a Lamb become a Sheep?

When its had it's Baaaaa-Mitzvah!

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A farmer is having trouble getting his sheep to bear lambs.

Nothing seems to work. He asks the neighbouring farmer who lets him in on his secret for having plenty of lambs.

"Every morning, get a few of them in your Land Rover and shag them yourself. Persevere and eventually they will become pregnant. You'll know when they are because they will be lyin...

I met this girl Mary on tinder and took her to an all you can eat buffet

I knew it wasn't going to work out when she told me she was a vegetarian so I decided to go down with guns blazing.

She came back with her salad to find me with my plate loaded up with every type of meat I could get my hands on.

I was shocked, though pleasantly surprised, when she aske...

A sacrificial lamb is really nothing more than

a mutton for punishment.

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I saw nothing.

The first speaker, a lady from England stood up and said, "During last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well, after the conference I went home and told my husband, Barrington, that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself! After t...

Why was the mint jelly so nervous?

Because it was always on the lamb.

Mary went to a restaurant with three of her friends.

The three friends ordered from the vegan section whereas Mary had a little lamb.

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Little Johnny

The third-grade teacher was teaching English and repeated for her class:



"Mary had a little lamb,
Whose fleece was white as snow,
And everywhere that Mary went,
The lamb was sure to go."



She explained this was an example of poetry, but could be changed...

A dark skinned lady named Betty goes to the butcher and asks for some beef.

The butcher replies: "Nooooo Black Betty, ham or lamb!"

An old lady decides to go to the new butcher shop that just opened in town

So she walks in, the butcher welcomes her with a big smile

\- "Welcome, what can I do for you today"

\- "I'll need 400 grams of ham please"

The butcher goes to his ham, get his chopper, does a clear cut in one go, put it on the scale : 400.0g. The old lady says :

\- "You ...

I saw a sports car being driven by a scantily clad sheep

It was a Lamb-Bikini...

What's the difference between Gordon Ramsay's favorite dish and a slow running computer?

One is a Rack of Lamb, the other is a Lack of RAM

What was the prisoner's favorite food?

Lamb shank

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Vladimir Putin is taking Donald Trump on a private tour of the Moscow Zoo.

While they're passing through the petting zoo section, they see a little lamb who has gotten its head stuck in a fence and is trapped.

Putin, eager to reassert his masculinity after seeing the dancing bears, drops his trousers and proceeds to penetrate the lamb forcefully with his penis, to ...

What is a sheep’s favorite office tool?

A lamb-inator

Missionary in the jungle

A missionary lives with a tribe in the jungle, when one day the Chief of the tribe approaches him:

"You are the only white man around here, and now my daughter gave birth to a white child! Explain yourself, or prepare to die!"

The missionary hesitates for a moment, then replies:
<...

What does a carrot say when it gets picked?

Nothing.

It can only silently scream into the abyss.

It has no mouth, yet it surely must have screamed when it was ripped from its comfortable life to face the cold, uncaring winds of its fate. It was a sheep to the slaughter.

And aren't we?

As a species, we have no other...

Took my wife Mary out to a fancy restaurant last night. I had the filet mignon...

Mary had a little lamb.

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi were sitting around drinking coffee...

>**Someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided that each would find a bear and attempt to convert it to their religion.**
>
>**Seven days later, they all ca...

Last week was my birthday...

and I didn’t feel very well waking up that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, “Happy birthday!” with a possible present for me.

No such luck. Barely a good morning, let alone a “Happy birthday”.
I figured…well, that’s marriage for you. Maybe ...

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Research has shown that sheep have vaginas almost similar to women

Is that why Mary had a little lamb?

The Chicken and the Horse

On a farm in the countryside, there was a chicken and a horse that were best friends, and they often went walking through the pastures together, just talking.  

One day while on one of their walks, the horse fell into a mire, and was steadily sinking.  The horse was getting very afraid and as...

A Blind man in a restaurant

A blind man went to a restaurant. "Menu sir?" asked the owner

"I'm blind just bring me one of your dirty forks. I will smell it and order." the confused owner got a fork. The blind man smelt the fork with a deep breath "Yes I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoes and spring vegetables. "U...

A Muslims favourite meat ...

is lamb.

Feeding the family

The kids asked for dog this Christmas. Normally we serve Lamb, but this time of year is all about the kids.

A couple are on a blind date. She, a New York realtor; he, a Russian businessman. After a lovely dinner, conversation turns to world affairs, and the man expresses some anti-Islamic views.

The woman is incensed, but the guy is cute so she decides to give him a second chance: “I don’t know what’s acceptable in Russia, but I don’t want to hear any of that bigoted rhetoric. Not another word! I’m going to the washroom to cool off and we’ll try again.” As the woman leaves the table the...

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Enjoying a meal at a nice restaurant, ended up saving a life!

So I’m at a restaurant enjoying a nice meal with my wife. She’s ingesting the smoked pork jowl while I’m enjoying a nice rack of lamb cooked to perfection. All of a sudden at a few tables near us, the lady who’s splitting with her husband a smooth roast chicken (with an immensely enjoyable aroma) s...

long. Two cops lead an unfortunate man into a padded cell

Instantly the men in white coats grab him, wrench his arms behind his back and, when he screams in pain, the psychiatrist tears down his trousers and jags him with a needle.

As they're carrying the unconcious body out the younger of the cops, shocked, says:

"Was that really necessary? ...

What do you call a pirate who became a sheppard?

A Lamb Lover

A cook during medieval times is ordered to prepare a feast for the king...

Knowing this was a feast for the king, the cook prepared everything diligently and carefully. At the day of the feast, the king and his guests arrive and begin to eat. They are in love with the food from the lamb to the roast duck to even the soups. The king recognized the cooks ability and made him...

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A horse begins learning the guitar as a teenager

A horse begins learning the guitar as a teenager. He was dealing with depression at the time, and learning an instrument was exactly what he needed to help him cope. You see, he didn't know it, but he had bi-polar depression. This means it was a chemical thing; he couldn't get out of it easily. So t...

When you go to a French-Afghani fusion restaurant...

...but you can't decide between the lamb burger or l'hamburger.

Converting a Bear

A protestant minister, a Catholic Priest, and a Rabbi were in a coffee shop arguing about whose religion is best. After hours of arguing, they agree to go into the woods and convert a bear. They would meet up in next week to see who won.

The next week, the Priest comes in to the coffee shop w...

What do you get when you chloroform a petting zoo?

The Silence of the Lambs

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The King of the Jungle [long] [nsfw]

The lion, the king of the jungle, once summoned all the animals to celebrate his new born child. Sure enough all the animals showed up and gazed with awe upon the famous lion's rock.

The lion roared fiercly and all animals awaited silently the big announcement of their king. After a brief mom...

Terrible Food Pun

Someone offered me a pureed lamb "shake" . . .

&nbsp;

My first thought was eww.

&nbsp;

They also had some ram jam. Despite the name, still eww.

Me: HOW COULD YOU LET YOUR EVIL BABY SHEEP ESCAPE? Sous: I hid it away with Gordon Ramsey.

Me: WHERE’S THE DAMNED LAMB SOUS??!!

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi hear about a bear causing trouble in the woods nearby.

The three men, friendly rivals, decide among themselves that what this bear needs to be soothed is some religion, so they declare it a contest to see who can convert it. They draw straws, and the Catholic priest is the first to try.

He heads into the woods, and comes back three hours later wi...

What do you call a young eigensheep?

A lamb, duh!

At the World Women's Conference...

At the World Women's Conference, the first speaker from England stood up:
"At last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After ...

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Mr. Tilley is running a Christian book store in a strip mall. [Long]

And business is good. The community has been growing, both in economy and spirit, with community centers and parks, factories and research laboratories. A true mecca of modern civilization. Mr. Tilley knows everyone in town, and everyone knows him. When anyone sees him, they smile, wave, and say "Bl...

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