A lamb, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff.

*baa-dum-tssssssssss*

I'm currently learning English (not my native language) and my teacher keeps wearing pentagrams, bathing in lamb's blood, and praising Lucifer

I'm not sure, but I think it's TEFL worship

Mary had a little lamb, she shot it with a gun,

she sold it to McDonald's, and now its on a bun.

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As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please."

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot acro...

A teacher goes for a long walk on the beach. She finds a shiny magic lamb, picks it up, and rubs it.

There is a puff of blue smoke and a genie pops out. “You have three wishes. I can give you anything in the world. If I fail, I must become your personal genie for eternity.”

The teacher thinks for a moment and says, “For my first wish, I want jewels. Silver, gold, platinum, whatever you have....

A lamb hovered at the foot of my bed, then disappeared, as I lay frozen in fear.

Sometimes I get sheep paralysis.

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A blind man went to a restaurant.

"Menu sir?" asked the owner.
"I'm blind, just bring me one of your dirty forks, I will smell it and order." The confused owner went to the kitchen to retrieve a fork, and returned to the blind man.
The blind man smelled the fork with a deep breath, "yes I will have the lamb with seasoned p...

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The Difference Between Poetry and Prose

An English teacher was explaining the differences of poetry and prose to her class.

“Mary had a little lamb, whose fleece was white as snow, and everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go.”

“This is an example of poetry, but if I wanted to change it to prose I would say, ‘the l...

A recent widow, Elizabeth, gets dressed up in her mourning cloths and goes shopping for the week

She's known the butcher for years and says "Every year my husband insisted on a turkey for Easter. But now that he's dead, I can have whatever I want! I was thinking I'd do a nice roast or maybe a meatloaf. Is that traditional?"

The butcher just shakes his head. "No, black Betty. Ham or lamb...

A teacher goes for a long walk on the beach. She finds a shiny magic lamb, picks it up, and rubs it.

The lamb stared long and hard at the teacher and groaned, "mmm yeah that's the spot".

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Mary had a little lamb, It ran into a pylon.

10,000 volts went up its arse,

And turned its wool to nylon.

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A guy walks up to his wife with a lamb under his arm...

A guy walks up to his wife with a lamb under his arm.



He loudly proclaims, "This is the pig I used to fuck."



The wife says, "That's not a pig, it's a lamb."



The man replies, "I wasn't speaking to you."

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If a bear shits in the woods, where does his friend the lamb go?

The baathroom.

*new dad, first OC dad-joke of my own*

Why didn't Gordon Ramsay upvote the picture of the lamb steak?

Because it was /r/aww

Why'd the lamb crash the car

Cause he was a sheep at the wheel

I only had 5 minutes to season my Lamb before it went in the oven

It was a race agaisnt thyme

What do you call a crocodile that will only eat sacrificed lambs?

A Halalligator.

Most annoying joke ever

A man dies and is sent to the first level of hell. There he sees two queues. He joins the back of one and asks what the queues are for. He is told one is for a glass of wine and the queue he joined for a leg of lamb. After a millennia he gets to the front and eats his lamb. Once finished a door open...

The lion decided to invite everyone to his birthday party. But, him being the king, he ordered everybody to bring him meat as a present, or else he will hit them with his massive dong. And soon, the day came and all the animals lined up infront of the lion's cave with their presents.

The Wolf wanted to gift the King lamb, the fox had a chicken, the leopard an antilope, and so on...The lion greeted all of his guests and welcomed them to the party. Suddenly, the rabbit stood infront of him with a carrot. All guests went silent. The lion looked him in the eyes and said: " You know...

My wife asked me what the price of lamb meat is. I told her I didn’t know much but...

I know it ain’t sheep.

When Mary had a little lamb, The doctor was surprised.

But when Old MacDonald had a farm, The doctor nearly died.

An African American woman named Bethany goes to the butchers to see if they have any beef.

"No, black Betty. Ham or lamb"

Pushing a young sheep into a hostess snack...

Is a ram-a-lamb-a-ding-dong.

Alternative nursery rhymes

Mary had a little lamb, her father shot it dead. Now it goes to school with her, between two chunks of bread.

What do you call 2 lambs dating?

A relationSHEEP.

Why wasn't the little lamb allowed to frolic in the meadow with the other little lambs?

Because he had a serious gambolling problem.

Mary had a little lamb.

The event made medical history.

In USA being -on the lamb- means:

:Running away from the Police, because they committed a crime.
In Wales it means...well, something else.

I took a class on 'The Silence of the Lambs'

It was a Hannibal lecture.

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The Jamaican restaurant informed me that they're getting low on lamb meat.

Or in other words:

THE JERK STORE CALLED AND THEY'RE RUNNING OUT OF EWE.

A sacrificial lamb is really nothing more than

a mutton for punishment.

I met this girl Mary on tinder and took her to an all you can eat buffet

I knew it wasn't going to work out when she told me she was a vegetarian so I decided to go down with guns blazing.

She came back with her salad to find me with my plate loaded up with every type of meat I could get my hands on.

I was shocked, though pleasantly surprised, when she aske...

At what point does a Lamb become a Sheep?

When its had it's Baaaaa-Mitzvah!

Missionary in the jungle

A missionary lives with a tribe in the jungle, when one day the Chief of the tribe approaches him:

"You are the only white man around here, and now my daughter gave birth to a white child! Explain yourself, or prepare to die!"

The missionary hesitates for a moment, then replies:
<...

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV.

I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen. "What would you like for dinner, my love, chicken, beef or lamb?"





I said, " Thank you, I'll have chicken please"




She replied, "You're having soup, you fat goat. I was talking to my cat"

An old lady decides to go to the new butcher shop that just opened in town

So she walks in, the butcher welcomes her with a big smile

\- "Welcome, what can I do for you today"

\- "I'll need 400 grams of ham please"

The butcher goes to his ham, get his chopper, does a clear cut in one go, put it on the scale : 400.0g. The old lady says :

\- "You ...

What's the difference between Gordon Ramsay's favorite dish and a slow running computer?

One is a Rack of Lamb, the other is a Lack of RAM

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I saw nothing.

The first speaker, a lady from England stood up and said, "During last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well, after the conference I went home and told my husband, Barrington, that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself! After t...

Mary went to a restaurant with three of her friends.

The three friends ordered from the vegan section whereas Mary had a little lamb.

I saw a sports car being driven by a scantily clad sheep

It was a Lamb-Bikini...

What was the prisoner's favorite food?

Lamb shank

Took my wife Mary out to a fancy restaurant last night. I had the filet mignon...

Mary had a little lamb.

What do you call dentures made for sheep?

Lamb chops!

Last week was my birthday...

and I didn’t feel very well waking up that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, “Happy birthday!” with a possible present for me.

No such luck. Barely a good morning, let alone a “Happy birthday”.
I figured…well, that’s marriage for you. Maybe ...

What is a sheep’s favorite office tool?

A lamb-inator

A priest, a preacher and a Rabbi walked into their favorite bar

where they would get together two or three times a week for drinks and to talk shop. 

On this particular afternoon, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another and they decided to ...

A cook during medieval times is ordered to prepare a feast for the king...

Knowing this was a feast for the king, the cook prepared everything diligently and carefully. At the day of the feast, the king and his guests arrive and begin to eat. They are in love with the food from the lamb to the roast duck to even the soups. The king recognized the cooks ability and made him...

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A horse begins learning the guitar as a teenager

A horse begins learning the guitar as a teenager. He was dealing with depression at the time, and learning an instrument was exactly what he needed to help him cope. You see, he didn't know it, but he had bi-polar depression. This means it was a chemical thing; he couldn't get out of it easily. So t...

A Muslims favourite meat ...

is lamb.

Feeding the family

The kids asked for dog this Christmas. Normally we serve Lamb, but this time of year is all about the kids.

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Research has shown that sheep have vaginas almost similar to women

Is that why Mary had a little lamb?

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Enjoying a meal at a nice restaurant, ended up saving a life!

So I’m at a restaurant enjoying a nice meal with my wife. She’s ingesting the smoked pork jowl while I’m enjoying a nice rack of lamb cooked to perfection. All of a sudden at a few tables near us, the lady who’s splitting with her husband a smooth roast chicken (with an immensely enjoyable aroma) s...

A couple are on a blind date. She, a New York realtor; he, a Russian businessman. After a lovely dinner, conversation turns to world affairs, and the man expresses some anti-Islamic views.

The woman is incensed, but the guy is cute so she decides to give him a second chance: “I don’t know what’s acceptable in Russia, but I don’t want to hear any of that bigoted rhetoric. Not another word! I’m going to the washroom to cool off and we’ll try again.” As the woman leaves the table the...

What do you call a pirate who became a sheppard?

A Lamb Lover

What do you call a knife made to kill goats?

A lamb shank.

long. Two cops lead an unfortunate man into a padded cell

Instantly the men in white coats grab him, wrench his arms behind his back and, when he screams in pain, the psychiatrist tears down his trousers and jags him with a needle.

As they're carrying the unconcious body out the younger of the cops, shocked, says:

"Was that really necessary? ...

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The Chicken and the Horse

On a farm in the countryside, there was a chicken and a horse that were best friends, and they often went walking through the pastures together, just talking.  

One day while on one of their walks, the horse fell into a mire, and was steadily sinking.  The horse was getting very afraid and as...

What do you call a sheep that's been brought back to life?

Lamb Shankenstein's Monster.

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi hear about a bear causing trouble in the woods nearby.

The three men, friendly rivals, decide among themselves that what this bear needs to be soothed is some religion, so they declare it a contest to see who can convert it. They draw straws, and the Catholic priest is the first to try.

He heads into the woods, and comes back three hours later wi...

Converting a Bear

A protestant minister, a Catholic Priest, and a Rabbi were in a coffee shop arguing about whose religion is best. After hours of arguing, they agree to go into the woods and convert a bear. They would meet up in next week to see who won.

The next week, the Priest comes in to the coffee shop w...

What do you call a young eigensheep?

A lamb, duh!

When you go to a French-Afghani fusion restaurant...

...but you can't decide between the lamb burger or l'hamburger.

Terrible Food Pun

Someone offered me a pureed lamb "shake" . . .

&nbsp;

My first thought was eww.

&nbsp;

They also had some ram jam. Despite the name, still eww.

What do you get when you chloroform a petting zoo?

The Silence of the Lambs

At the World Women's Conference...

At the World Women's Conference, the first speaker from England stood up:
"At last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After ...

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The King of the Jungle [long] [nsfw]

The lion, the king of the jungle, once summoned all the animals to celebrate his new born child. Sure enough all the animals showed up and gazed with awe upon the famous lion's rock.

The lion roared fiercly and all animals awaited silently the big announcement of their king. After a brief mom...

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