UPJOKE
meatmuttoncattlegoatdearvealporkbeefpighogwoolsheepmammalewechicken

A Muslim buys a pet lamb from a petstore

The seller says:

"What are you thinking of calling it?"

The Muslim responds with

"I think I will call it ISlamb"

A teacher goes for a long walk on the beach. She finds a shiny magic lamb, picks it up, and rubs it.

There is a puff of blue smoke and a genie pops out. “You have three wishes. I can give you anything in the world. If I fail, I must become your personal genie for eternity.”

The teacher thinks for a moment and says, “For my first wish, I want jewels. Silver, gold, platinum, whatever you have....

If Mary gave birth to Jesus and Jesus is the lamb of God...

Did Mary have a little lamb?

As a butcher is shooing away a dog from his shop, he sees a $10 bill and a note in his mouth, reading: “5 lamb chops, please.”

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag
of chops in the dog’s mouth, and quickly closes the shop.

He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green
light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-
stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench.
When a bus arriv...

I made a lamb curry last night

It didn’t go down well, turns out they prefer hay

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just a friendly reminder to show respect to Ramadan

Yes, yes. I know we all like to have a good laugh about certain things. But Ramadan is a very important and sacred time for Muslims. And as a non-Muslim, I have since learned that we need treat it with some respect.

See, my next door neighbour is a Muslim. Ever since the start of Ramadan, I h...

What's the difference between a vegan and a computer programmer?

One is disgusted by rack of lamb and the other is disgusted by lack of RAM.

Mary had a little sheep, and with that sheep, she did sleep.

The sheep turned out to be a ram. Mary had a little lamb.

A lamb, a drum, and a snake are thrown off a cliff one day!

Baaah dummm tssssssss

A missionary lives with a tribe in the jungle

one day the Chief of the tribe approaches him:

"You are the only white man around here, and now my daughter gave birth to a white child! Explain yourself, or prepare to die!"

The missionary hesitates for a moment, then replies:

"Nature is full of wonders. Look at those sheep ove...

When my next door neighbour started throwing chunks of chicken, lamb, beef & pork off his roof, I thought “Wow...

...a meatier shower”.

My daughters pet lamb died today.

The grieving process was delicious.

What weapon do sheep like to use while in prison?

A lamb shank

When Love Fades......

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's lovely voice from the kitchen.

"What would you like for dinner, my Love. . . Chicken, beef or lamb?"

I said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."

She replied "You're having soup, a\*\*hole. I was talking to the c...

A monkey escaped from the petting zoo.

He rode out the gates on the back of a baby sheep.
Authorities have stated that he is on the lamb.

A teacher goes for a walk on the beach. She finds a shiny magic lamb, picks it up, and rubs it.

The lamb gives her a weird look and runs away.

What's the difference between Antony Hopkins' character in Silence of the Lambs and someone who taunted Jeffery Dahmer as he ate?

One's Hannibal Lechter and the other's a cannibal heckler.

How did the lamb tell the other lamb that it had a crush on her?

Sheepishly.

Why did one lamb friendzone the other?

She didn’t want to ruin their friendsheep.

I heard Miley Cyrus is in the new Silence of the Lambs reboot

She plays Hannibal Montannibal.

Did you hear about the new Silence of the Lambs sequel that's set to take place in Newfoundland?

It's going to be called Ewes Be Quiet.

What do you do to save a lamb that's having a heart attack!

Give it Sheep P R


(Say it out loud....)

Mary had a little lamb...

Her gynecologist fainted.

I just saw a car being driven by a sheep in a swimsuit.

It was a lamb bikini.

Why didn't Gordon Ramsay upvote the picture of the lamb steak?

Because it was /r/aww

A lamb hovered at the foot of my bed, then disappeared, as I lay frozen in fear.

Sometimes I get sheep paralysis.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If a bear shits in the woods, where does his friend the lamb go?

The baathroom.

*new dad, first OC dad-joke of my own*

My wife asked me what the price of lamb meat is. I told her I didn’t know much but...

I know it ain’t sheep.

I only had 5 minutes to season my Lamb before it went in the oven

It was a race agaisnt thyme

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mary had a little lamb, It ran into a pylon.

10,000 volts went up its arse,

And turned its wool to nylon.

Just found out that Sir Anthony Hopkins is Welsh.

Certainly explains why he wanted all those lambs to keep quiet.

I love my vegetarian-only diet.

Lambs, Cows, Deers, Rabbits. They're all vegetarians and they're delicious!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks up to his wife with a lamb under his arm...

A guy walks up to his wife with a lamb under his arm.



He loudly proclaims, "This is the pig I used to fuck."



The wife says, "That's not a pig, it's a lamb."



The man replies, "I wasn't speaking to you."

What do you call a crocodile that will only eat sacrificed lambs?

A Halalligator.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Blind man

A blind man went to a restaurant."Menu,sir?"asked the owner.I'm blind.Just bring me one of your dirty forks.I will smell it and order."The confused owner got a fork.The blind man smelled the fork with deep breath.Yes,I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoes and spring vegetables.2 weeks later,the...

When Mary had a little lamb, The doctor was surprised.

But when Old MacDonald had a farm, The doctor nearly died.

I met this girl Mary on tinder and took her to an all you can eat buffet I knew it wasn't going to work out when she told me she was a vegetarian so I decided to go down with guns blazing.

She came back with her salad to find me with my plate loaded up with every type of meat I could get my hands on.

I was shocked, though pleasantly surprised, when she asked for a bite of my kabab.

Mary had a little lamb.

I'm currently learning English (not my native language) and my teacher keeps wearing pentagrams, bathing in lamb's blood, and praising Lucifer

I'm not sure, but I think it's TEFL worship

I took a class on 'The Silence of the Lambs'

It was a Hannibal lecture.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A third grade teacher was teaching English.

"Mary had a little lamb, whose fleece was white as snow/And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go." She explained that this was an example of poetry, but could be changed to prose by changing the last line from "the lamb was sure to go" to "the lamb went with her."

A few days lat...

What do you call 2 lambs dating?

A relationSHEEP.

Mary had a little lamb.

The event made medical history.

Why'd the lamb crash the car

Cause he was a sheep at the wheel

A Chinese husband and wife are having a busy night in their restaurant..

..when an old friend of the husband makes a surprise visit, the two men have a few drinks to celebrate and after a while the husband tells his wife they are going to a nearby pub, but won't be long.

The husband eventually comes home at 3am and gently awakens his wife and asks "Hey, what about...

I found an animal cracker shaped like Jesus...

...it was a snackrificial lamb.

At what point does a Lamb become a Sheep?

When its had it's Baaaaa-Mitzvah!

A Frenchman Visits Texas

A French man came to Texas to visit an old friend from WW2. The Texan picked him up in his gigantic Cadillac with longhorns mounted on the hood. Knowing that his friend must be hungry and thirsty after the long flight, he stopped at a bar and grill on the way. They walked in and took a seat at the b...

In USA being -on the lamb- means:

:Running away from the Police, because they committed a crime.
In Wales it means...well, something else.

A sacrificial lamb is really nothing more than

a mutton for punishment.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Help, my wife is missing!!!

Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?

Husband:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over 170 centermeters tall.

Sergeant:
Weight?

Husband:
Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant:
Color of eyes?

Husband:
Sort of brown I think. Never ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sikh Joke

Each Friday night after work, Sardar would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a tandoori chicken and some meat kebabs. But, all of his neighbors were strict Catholics ... and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating chicken and meat on a Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled ...

The lion decided to invite everyone to his birthday party. But, him being the king, he ordered everybody to bring him meat as a present, or else he will hit them with his massive dong. And soon, the day came and all the animals lined up in front of the lion's cave with their presents.

The Wolf wanted to gift the King lamb, the fox had a chicken, the leopard an antelope, and so on...The lion greeted all of his guests and welcomed them to the party. Suddenly, the rabbit stood in front of him with a carrot. All guests went silent. The lion looked him in the eyes and said: " You know...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Jamaican restaurant informed me that they're getting low on lamb meat.

Or in other words:

THE JERK STORE CALLED AND THEY'RE RUNNING OUT OF EWE.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blind man walks into a restaurant

The waiter notices that he's blind and says "Would you like me to get you the braille menu sir?"

The blind man says "No, thank you. Just bring me one of your dirty forks and I'll decide what I want." So the waiter does that and the blind man smells it and says "Yes, I'd like the roasted lamb ...

I went to the butchers and asked if he had a lambs head

No he replied, it's just how I come my hair.

It's a miracle

A devout old shepherd lost his favorite Bible while he was out looking for a wayward lamb. Three weeks later, a sheep walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The shepherd couldn’t believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the sheep’s mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer is having trouble getting his sheep to bear lambs.

Nothing seems to work. He asks the neighbouring farmer who lets him in on his secret for having plenty of lambs.

"Every morning, get a few of them in your Land Rover and shag them yourself. Persevere and eventually they will become pregnant. You'll know when they are because they will be lyin...

A bartender's slow afternoon is interrupted by the sudden clatter of the door being pushed open by a man in a big hurry.

The man is clearly distraught. In between deep breaths, he manages to say, "Quick, barkeep... I need four shots of... (*gasp gasp*)... your best whiskey... (*gasp gasp*)... Hurry, please!"

The bartender spring into action, and within two shakes of a lamb's tail, he has four shots of his top-s...

A blind man walks into a restaurant...

The owner greets the blind man and asks him how he can help him choose a meal "shall I read to you our menu? “the owner asks.

" no need" says the blind man, "just bring me a selection of dirty forks and I'll know what to choose."

Curious, the owner goes back to the kitchen, gets a hand...

Gordon Ramsey hates reposts on r/aww. One day he sees someone reposting a baby sheep

He yells in the comments, "WHERE'S THE LAMB SOURCE!?"

Why wasn't the little lamb allowed to frolic in the meadow with the other little lambs?

Because he had a serious gambolling problem.

A rabbi, a priest and a minister want to see who is best at their job...

So they decide to go out into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. A few days later, the the priest and the minister bump into each other at the hospital, where each person is being treated for their particular injuries. They then tell each other about their experience.

The prie...

Alternative nursery rhymes

Mary had a little lamb, her father shot it dead. Now it goes to school with her, between two chunks of bread.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer goes to the vet about his sheep

It's coming into lambing season, but the ewes aren't getting pregnant, and he doesn't know what to do. The vet suggests artificial insemination.



Our friend the farmer is a bit dim, and doesn't know what that means, and takes it that it falls on \*him\* to do the deed.

So that ...

A butcher is serving his customers...

... when a stray dog comes in and starts barking.

The butcher is about to shoo him away when one customer says, "give him few lamb chops".

The butcher agrees and puts some in front of the dog. The dog eats everything in front of him but is still hungry. He looks at the butcher and st...

How did I get rich?

Well I was working on my sheep farm. We had just sheared the flock and spun the wool into yarn. As I was dying one skein of yarn green, a lamb wandered over and fell into the tub of dye. By the time I rescued the poor thing, he'd already managed to turn himself completely green.

Well, a littl...

A dark skinned lady named Betty goes to the butcher and asks for some beef.

The butcher replies: "Nooooo Black Betty, ham or lamb!"

Johnny’s up to it again

The first-grade teacher was showing pictures of animals to her students to see how many they could name. She held up a picture of a lamb, and a little girl said, "That's a sheep!"

"That's right!" said the teacher. "How about THIS one?" she said, holding up a picture of the king of beasts.
...

A recent widow, Elizabeth, gets dressed up in her mourning cloths and goes shopping for the week

She's known the butcher for years and says "Every year my husband insisted on a turkey for Easter. But now that he's dead, I can have whatever I want! I was thinking I'd do a nice roast or maybe a meatloaf. Is that traditional?"

The butcher just shakes his head. "No, black Betty. Ham or lamb...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.