A sheep, a drum and a snake fell off a cliff.

BAA-DUMM-TSSS

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Englishman: "That your dog?"

Englishman: "That your dog?"

Welshman: "Aye"

Englishman: "Mind if I speak to him?'

Welshman: "Dog don't talk.”

Englishman: Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doing all right."

Welshman: (look of shock)

Englishman: Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the We...

A farmer joke

A man is driving down the highway past a farm. He glances into the vast fields and sees a farmer screwing a sheep. He is utterly disgusted.

A minute later, he slams on his brakes and says, "That was horrible. I'm going to give that man a piece of my mind!" He turns around, and soon arrive...

I was in a field and this farmer came up to me and said " I got 68 sheep can you round them up for me ?"...

I said "Sure, 70" ...

A blonde who was tired of all the blonde jokes going around and decided to dye her hair brown.

She then went for a drive in the country and came upon a shepherd herding his sheep across the road.

"Hey, shepherd! If I guess how many sheep there are here, can I keep one?" The shepherd is puzzled but agrees. Out of the blue, she blurts out "352!" He is stunned but keeps his word and allow...

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A New Zealander walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says....

"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."

The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says,
"If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."

The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd realize I was ta...

How do you milk a sheep?

Put an apple logo on it.

What do you call a kangaroo whos in love with a sheep?

A wolly jumper

Where do sheep go to watch funny videos?

EweTube

How does a Scottsman find a sheep in tall grass?

Very satisfying.

Why should you muzzle a wounded sheep?

To help stop the bleating

What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?

A candy baa

Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?

Because sheep can hear a zipper unzipping from a mile away.

I saw a sports car being driven by a scantily clad sheep

It was a Lamb-Bikini...

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Two farmers are walking along a field and come across a sheep that has gotten its head stuck in a fence.

"Now let's have some fun!" one of them says as he takes off his pants, and fucks the sheep. "Now it's your turn!" he says to the other farmer. -"Okay" he responds, sticking his head into the fence.

What happens when you cross a sheep with consequence?

Ramifications

A female sheep walks into a bar with a baby cow and a baby goat

Bartender says: Ewe Calf to be Kidding me!

A cornea, a female sheep, a tire and a nerd walk into a haunted house

The cornea bounces in first, making plenty of noise all throughout the house, and leaves terrified and satisfied.

The female sheep prances in next, and terrified bleeting can be heard by all, before she leaves in fear.

The tire rolls in next, making loud, frightened rubbery noises insi...

How does a Kiwi find a sheep in the long grass?

Absolutely irresistible

What sound does a sheep, drum, and snake make when they hit the ground?

Baa Dum Tss

A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science.

One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"
...

A New Zealander is walking down the road with a sheep under each arm...

A local man spots him and asks 'Are you shearing?'

To which he says 'No, I'm gonna sleep with both of them '.

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An Australian goes to new Zealand

An Australian goes to new Zealand and sees a guy fucking a sheep on the side of the road, he says mate, in Australia we sheer our sheep. The new Zealand guy says, fuck off, I'm not sheering her with anyone.

What noise do sheep make where Yoda’s from?

Dagobah.

You're gonna ask me why i have a sheep's skull on my bathroom scale, arent you?

Weigh a head of ewe there.

How does a shepherd find a sheep on a mountain top?

Acceptable

What do you call a sheep with a machine gun?

Lambo.

I pretended to be a female sheep in order to satisfy a man’s unique fetish.

We actually ended up in a relationship but I didn’t like living a lie so I decided I had to break up with him.

I said “it’s not ewe, it’s me!”

They found a new use for sheep in Ireland.

Making wool

How does a sheep say marry christmas in Spanish?

Fleece Navidad

Where do sheep get their clothes?

At the Wool-mart!

Whats round and green and chases sheep?

A Melon-collie!

A farmer has 895 sheep.

Realising that this is quite a lot of sheep for one farm, and Jess the sheepdog is getting a bit old, he decides he'll probably need a new dog- no, a whole team of dogs- to round so many sheep up.

So the next day, the farmer goes to the pet store. He looks around at the various herding dogs- ...

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There was a farmer who wanted his sheep to get pregnant

However, he hadn't got a male sheep, so he asked a friend what could he do. His friend told him to take the sheep to the mountain, fuck them himself and wait to the next day. If the next day they were placed in the sun, they were pregnant, of they were placed in the shade, they weren't pregnant.
...

How are a joke and a sheep similar?

Once you’ve herd one, you’ve herd them all.

Where do sheep go to get drunk?

a baaa

What do you call a Spanish sheep with two legs?

Gracias.

As a farmer, I love telling my dog sheep jokes,

But he'd herd them all.

Where do sheep go to get their hair cut?

The baabaa shop



(the other best joke from my son)

My (blonde) sister hates blonde jokes. I (redhead) told her I have a redhead joke for her. She was eager to hear it!

A redhead goes for a drive through the country, just enjoying the peaceful ride with her windows open. She has to stop as a shepherd is moving his flock across the road. The redhead gets out of her car to stretch and has an idea.

"Hey Mister! If I can guess how many sheep you have, may I keep...

In 1872 the Welsh invented the condom, using a sheep's lower intestine.

In 1873, the British refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the sheep first.

A retired boxer goes to see his doctor because he’s having trouble sleeping. “Have you tried counting sheep?” the doctor asks.



“I tried,” the boxer explains, “but every time I get to the number nine I stand up.”

A woman is walking on the mountains when she sees a huge flock of sheep, lots of sheep are grazing in a very green meadow. She spots the shepherd near them so she goes to talk to him out of curiosity.

The shepherd notices her approaching him and greets her.

“Oh, good morning young lady, maybe I can help you with something?”

“Yes, hi! I was walking on that path over there and I saw this enormous flock and I had to come and know more about them!”

“Sure thing. What is it that yo...

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A farm boy graduated from college with a degree in journalism.

He got hired immediately and was told his first assignment was to write a human interest story. Being from the country, he decided to go back home to do his research.

He went to an old farmer's house way out in the hills, introduced himself to the farmer, and explained what he was there to ...

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NSFW An Aussie ventriloquist is driving through New Zealand

An Australian ventriloquist is driving through New Zealand. His car breaks down and he has to walk to the nearest farm.

He gets to the farm and asks the farmer if he can use the phone. The farmer agrees, and the Australian calls for a mechanic.The mechanic is going to take a couple of hour...

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Sheep Shagging

An old Oxford professor is nearing retirement and decides that he wants to do something fun for once. He's spent his whole life researching scientific theories in his lab and wants to do something outside for a change, so he asks his assistant for a suggestion of something different to go and resear...

NASA was preparing for the Apollo project

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, some of the training of the astronauts took place on a Navajo reservation.

One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question that his son translated. "What...

How does a sheep say Christmas?

Fleece Navidad



(one of my son's best, so he says)

How do you milk sheep?

Bring out a new iPhone and charge $1000 for it.

Why are sheep biased when it comes to car sales?

They only buy and sell Ram

Scientists have determined that it's impossible to change a female sheep into a male.

They'll never make a man out of ewe.

Guy moves to America, just learning English, gets cut off in traffic and yells 'E# Female Sheep'

buddy in the car goes, um, no, it's f u

Where is a sheeps favourite place to drink?

At their local baa.

What is a sheep’s favorite office tool?

A lamb-inator

A blonde got fed up with all the Blonde jokes......

So she cut her hair short and dyed it black. Bought a snazzy convertible and went driving through the countryside.
On a back country road, she drove up to a large flock of sheep that were slowly crossing the road. As she sat there watching the flock she saw the farmer standing there.
She said ...

A sheep, two doughnuts, and a snake walked into a bar.

Bah-Dunk-Dunk, Sssss.

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Where does virgin wool comes from?

From ugly sheep.

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Did you know that the condom was invented by the Turks?

They used the intestines of sheep around their penis when having sex.

And did you know that years later, the Brits were the ones who improved the condom by removing the sheep?

This farmer was telling me about how brilliant his sheepdog was at maths,

"Watch this," he said. "Shep, what's seven plus two, "
And the dog barked ten times.
"OK, Shep, what's fifteen plus four. "
And the dog barked twenty times.
"He's very good, " I replied, but he's a little over. "
"Yeah, " answered the farmer, "old habits die hard, he's just rounding t...

What do you call a guy walking down the middle of the street in Alabama with sheep under his arms?

A Pimp!

What do you call a secret agent who watches over sheep?

A sheppard spy

Courtesy of my 11yo - where do sheep go on vacation?

The Baaaaa-hamas!

What would someone with dyslexia call two female sheep?

You and I.

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A man walks into a bedroom with a sheep under his arm

And on the bed is a lady. The man says, “This is the pig I have sex with when I’m not having sex with you”, to which the woman says, “That’s a sheep, not a pig.”

The man says, “Shut up, I’m not talking to you.”

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How did the Japanese sheep greet the farmer?

Konichi-baaaaa

What is the sheep's favourite musucian?

Bach.

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A Flat Tire.

An Inuit is visiting Scotland and his rental car got a flat tire. After getting towed to the local Auto repair garage, the mechanic looks at it and says, "looks like you blew a seal."



To which the Inuit replied, "Well, you fucked a sheep."

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In the mid-1200s, the Arabs found that women would not become pregnant if a sheep intestine was placed around the penis during sex.

When the practice came to Europe, it was immediately discovered that the intestine should first be removed from the sheep.

What do you call a bunch of sheep rolling down a hill?

A lambslide

A shepherd tells his dog to go count the sheep...

So the dog goes out, comes back a little later. Shepherd says: “How many sheep you count out there?”
Dog says: “40”.
Shepherd says: “That’s not possible, I only had 38 to begin with!”.
And the dog goes: “Yeah but I rounded them up”.

A vegetarian lady looked at my mutton curry and said, "You know, a sheep died so you could have that."

I looked at her salad and responded, "Maybe she died because you keep eating all her food!!"

A blond is driving down country roads feeling smart because she dyed her hair brown

She turns a corner and finds the road completely blacked by sheep. The farmer comes it the the window and apologizes for blockage, he says they’ll be past in a few minutes. The “brunette” looks at the sheep and back at the farmer and says “if I can guess how meant sheep are there can I have one?” Th...

What was the first thing the farmers daughter said after watching a sheep give birth for the first time?

Ewe

"I love my job!" said the farmer

"All you do is boss us around all day" said the sheep

"What did you say?" said the farmer

"You herd me" said the sheep

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A Scotsman and a Newfie were walking down the road when they saw a sheep with its head stuck in the fence.

A Scotsman and a Newfie were walking down the road when they saw a sheep with its head stuck in the fence.

"A'right! The perfect opportunity!" cried the Scotsman, who lifted his kilt and leapt on the backside of the sheep, shagging it furiously until he was satisfied.

Smiling, the Scot...

How do Russian sheep talk?

They CYKA BLEAT

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Any person who illegally exports sheep is called an Owler.

Unless they're from Wales. Then they're just called a sex trafficker.

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What do Welsh men and Apple users have in common?

Both are fucking sheep.

What is a dimension completely inhabited by sheep?

A eweniverse.

Why did the sheep all fall asleep before bed time?

They tried to do a head count.

What do you call a sheep tied to a pole in rural Ireland?

A sperm bank

Did you hear about the Sheep who wanted to become a Jedi?

He hailed from the Dagobaaaaaaah system.

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What's the difference between a sheep and a ram?

I can't sheep my dick into ur ass

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Honey, remember how when we started dating you told me you were an insomniac and I told you I only had five sex partners?

Neither of us were counting sheep.

Do androids dream of electric sheep?

Yes, but it takes a lot of ram.

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What do you call a Pakistani with a sheep and a goat

Bisexual

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematicians have to build a fence around a flock of sheep,

using as little material as possible. The engineer forms the flock into a circular shape and constructs a fence around it. The physicist builds a fence with an infinite diameter and pulls it together until it fits around the flock. The mathematicians thinks for a while, then builds a fence around hi...

Where do Welsh sheep farmers take their fleece to send overseas?

OooOooo woolwarves of London

What did the sheep say when it was startled by a musical dog?

Bah! Hum pug!

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Research has shown that sheep have vaginas almost similar to women

Is that why Mary had a little lamb?

I just saw a farmer shave a sheep in 1 second.

It was shear brilliance!

If cows go moo and sheep go baa, what do pigs say?

I'll make America great again

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