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A New Zealander walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says....

"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."

The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says,
"If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."

The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd realize I was ta...

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There was a farmer who wanted his sheep to get pregnant

However, he hadn't got a male sheep, so he asked a friend what could he do. His friend told him to take the sheep to the mountain, fuck them himself and wait to the next day. If the next day they were placed in the sun, they were pregnant, of they were placed in the shade, they weren't pregnant.
...

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(NSFW) Two rednecks, Junior and Billy, are walking through the forest and stumble upon a sheep with Its head stuck in the fence

Junior Looks at Billy and says, “Ima fuck that sheep!” So he runs up behind the sheep, pulls down his pants and starts fuckin it. After a few minutes he steps back, pulls up his pants and walks back to Billy. Junior looks at Billy and Says “I’m sorry, do you want a turn Billy?”

Billy looks a...

What did one sheep herder say to the other sheep herder?

Let's get the flock out of here

A farmer who owned 67 sheep asked me to round them up

I said, “Sure, 70.”

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, some of the training of the astronauts took place on a Navajo reservation. One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question that his son translated.

"What are these guys in the big suits doing?" A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. Afte...

What did the sheep sing to the sheepdog?

Do you really want to herd me?

Theres an old African Saying "A Lion leading an Army of Sheep can defeat An Army of Lions led by A Sheep".

And like i get the message and its a nice analogy and all but if A Sheep somehow manage to become leader of an Army of Lions, then my moneys on the Sheep

A sheep, a drum and a snake fall from a cliff ...

Baa Dum Tss

how many sheep are stuck in traffic

none because sheep cant drive!! hahahaha

Scientists have discovered a way to milk sheep.

Just release a new iphone every year.

What do sheep call the oldest patriarch of the herd?

The pasture prime.

What did the sheep say to the pig on Christmas Day?

Fleece Navidad

A cornea, a female sheep, a tire and a nerd walk into a haunted house

The cornea bounces in first, making plenty of noise all throughout the house, and leaves terrified and satisfied.

The female sheep prances in next, and terrified bleeting can be heard by all, before she leaves in fear.

The tire rolls in next, making loud, frightened rubbery noises insi...

What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?

A candy baa

A New Zealander is walking down the road with a sheep under each arm...

A local man spots him and asks 'Are you shearing?'

To which he says 'No, I'm gonna sleep with both of them '.

What happens when you cross a sheep with consequence?

Ramifications

The idea of using sheep intestines as condoms was originated in Scotland.

The British further refined the idea by removing it from the sheep

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Two farmers are walking along a field and come across a sheep that has gotten its head stuck in a fence.

"Now let's have some fun!" one of them says as he takes off his pants, and fucks the sheep. "Now it's your turn!" he says to the other farmer. -"Okay" he responds, sticking his head into the fence.

What do you call a sheep with a machine gun?

Lambo.

A Welsh father is hitchhiking with his son when he comes across a sheep with his head stuck in a fence

The father says to the son "Watch this." and proceeds to undo his zipper and then makes love to the sheep. When he is finished, he steps away from the sheep and says to his son "Your turn, son." The son sighs before sticking his head in the fence.

My friend the sheep herder had his bachelor party.

He was so happy I gave him velcro gloves.

In an African tribe village, the chieftain's wife gave birth to a white skinned child.

The chieftain quickly figured the voluntary doctor from Europe might be to blame. So the chieftain asked him to talk in his tent.

Chieftain: "Today my wife gave birth to a white child. She and I are dark skinned. You are white. It doesn't take a doctor to figure out that you have slept with ...

How do you milk a sheep?

Put an apple logo on it.

A guy gets stranded on a small island with a dog and a sheep...

After a few months, the sheep starts looking really pretty. But every time he makes a move on it, the dog growls menacingly. He tries to run up and shove it in the sheep before the dog notices, but the dog freaks out and starts biting him, so he runs off, leaving the sheep alone.

Then one da...

What do you call a kangaroo whos in love with a sheep?

A wolly jumper

Why should you muzzle a wounded sheep?

To help stop the bleating

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A farmer man was accused of having sex with his sheep

The farmer simply replied "Fuck what you heard."

You're gonna ask me why i have a sheep's skull on my bathroom scale, arent you?

Weigh a head of ewe there.

Husband doing crossword with his wife

Husband: Emphatic no, five letters.

Wife: Never

H: Pistol, 3 letters.

W: Gun

H: Disgust, 3 letters.

W: Ugh

H: Charity, 4 letters.

W: Give

H: Female sheep, 3 letters

W: Ewe

H: Pixar movie, 2 letters

W: Up

How does a shepherd find a sheep on a mountain top?

Acceptable

I saw a sports car being driven by a scantily clad sheep

It was a Lamb-Bikini...

What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill?

A lambslide.

Where do sheep go to get drunk?

a baaa

I pretended to be a female sheep in order to satisfy a man’s unique fetish.

We actually ended up in a relationship but I didn’t like living a lie so I decided I had to break up with him.

I said “it’s not ewe, it’s me!”

A female sheep walks into a bar with a baby cow and a baby goat

Bartender says: Ewe Calf to be Kidding me!

How does a Welsh man find a sheep in talk grass?

Irresistible.

How does a New Zealander find sheep in tall grass?

Delightful

Scientists have determined that it's impossible to change a female sheep into a male.

They'll never make a man out of ewe.

In 1872 the Welsh invented the condom, using a sheep's lower intestine.

In 1873, the British refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the sheep first.

Why do Scots wear kilts?

Because a sheep can hear a zipper from miles away.

They found a new use for sheep in Ireland.

Making wool

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Englishman: "That your dog?"

Englishman: "That your dog?"

Welshman: "Aye"

Englishman: "Mind if I speak to him?'

Welshman: "Dog don't talk.”

Englishman: Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doing all right."

Welshman: (look of shock)

Englishman: Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the We...

A blonde woman was getting tired of all the blonde jokes she heard, so she dyed her hair and set out to prove them wrong while “undercover”

She came across a huge heard of sheep and saw their shepherd.

“Hey! If I can correctly count all your sheep, can I have one?” she asked, eyeing a chance to prove blondes could at least do basic math.

The bored shepherd answered, “Yeah, sure”.

The blonde set about counting and...

Where do sheep go to watch funny videos?

EweTube

Why do sheep have yellow teeth?

Because an Apple a day keeps a doctor away

A retired boxer goes to see his doctor because he’s having trouble sleeping. “Have you tried counting sheep?” the doctor asks.



“I tried,” the boxer explains, “but every time I get to the number nine I stand up.”

How are a joke and a sheep similar?

Once you’ve herd one, you’ve herd them all.

How does a sheep say Christmas?

Fleece Navidad



(one of my son's best, so he says)

My Girlfriend is the sort of girl Men whistle at...

She looks like a sheep dog.

A journalist is doing an article on the life in a small rural town in the Balkans. NSFW

He arrives in the town and starts interviewing a local:

Journalist: "So can you tell me about the happiest day in your town's history?"

Local: "Well it was about 3 years ago, a goat got lost and all the men were looking for it. We finally found it after 2 days and we were all so happy ...

Where do sheep go to get their hair cut?

The baabaa shop



(the other best joke from my son)

A farmer has 895 sheep.

Realising that this is quite a lot of sheep for one farm, and Jess the sheepdog is getting a bit old, he decides he'll probably need a new dog- no, a whole team of dogs- to round so many sheep up.


So the next day, the farmer goes to the pet store. He looks around at the various herding do...

Guy moves to America, just learning English, gets cut off in traffic and yells 'E# Female Sheep'

buddy in the car goes, um, no, it's f u

What is a sheep’s favorite office tool?

A lamb-inator

A woman is walking on the mountains when she sees a huge flock of sheep, lots of sheep are grazing in a very green meadow. She spots the shepherd near them so she goes to talk to him out of curiosity.

The shepherd notices her approaching him and greets her.

“Oh, good morning young lady, maybe I can help you with something?”

“Yes, hi! I was walking on that path over there and I saw this enormous flock and I had to come and know more about them!”

“Sure thing. What is it that yo...

What do you call a guy walking down the middle of the street in Alabama with sheep under his arms?

A Pimp!

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Sheep Shagging

An old Oxford professor is nearing retirement and decides that he wants to do something fun for once. He's spent his whole life researching scientific theories in his lab and wants to do something outside for a change, so he asks his assistant for a suggestion of something different to go and resear...

A vegetarian lady looked at my mutton curry and said, "You know, a sheep died so you could have that."

I looked at her salad and responded, "Maybe she died because you keep eating all her food!!"

What do you call a secret agent who watches over sheep?

A sheppard spy

Where is a sheeps favourite place to drink?

At their local baa.

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A man walks in on his wife in the bedroom

With a sheep under his arm, much to his wife's horror.

"honey, this is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."

The wife angrily replied "well for a start, that's not a pig, you bloody idiot!"

"I wasn't talking to you!" he replied.

A sheep, two doughnuts, and a snake walked into a bar.

Bah-Dunk-Dunk, Sssss.

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In the mid-1200s, the Arabs found that women would not become pregnant if a sheep intestine was placed around the penis during sex.

When the practice came to Europe, it was immediately discovered that the intestine should first be removed from the sheep.

What is the sheep's favourite musucian?

Bach.

Courtesy of my 11yo - where do sheep go on vacation?

The Baaaaa-hamas!

Why are sheep biased when it comes to car sales?

They only buy and sell Ram

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Little Johnny is back

The teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate', not 'fascinati...

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Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"

Man: "Yes!"
Reporter: "Name?"
Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."
Reporter: "Sex?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy cow!"
Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."...

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A Scotsman and a Newfie were walking down the road when they saw a sheep with its head stuck in the fence.

A Scotsman and a Newfie were walking down the road when they saw a sheep with its head stuck in the fence.

"A'right! The perfect opportunity!" cried the Scotsman, who lifted his kilt and leapt on the backside of the sheep, shagging it furiously until he was satisfied.

Smiling, the Scot...

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematicians have to build a fence around a flock of sheep,

using as little material as possible. The engineer forms the flock into a circular shape and constructs a fence around it. The physicist builds a fence with an infinite diameter and pulls it together until it fits around the flock. The mathematicians thinks for a while, then builds a fence around hi...

Why are sheep the most unimpressed species on the planet?

Because all they ever say is “meeeeeh”.

A Scottish farmer is sitting on his front porch one day, resting after finishing his tasks with his dog at his feet.

A man in a suit approaches the farmer, greets him warmly, and the farmer greets him in turn. The man notices the dog lying at the farmer's feet and smiles at the pooch.

"Can I talk to your dog?" The man asks. The farmer gives him an odd look but shrugs.

"Dog don't talk, but whatever...

What do you call a sheep tied to a pole in rural Ireland?

A sperm bank

How do Russian sheep talk?

They CYKA BLEAT

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What do elephants use for tampons ?

Sheep

Why do elephants have trunks ?

Because sheep don't have strings

What is a dimension completely inhabited by sheep?

A eweniverse.

Did you hear about the Sheep who wanted to become a Jedi?

He hailed from the Dagobaaaaaaah system.

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Any person who illegally exports sheep is called an Owler.

Unless they're from Wales. Then they're just called a sex trafficker.

What was the first thing the farmers daughter said after watching a sheep give birth for the first time?

Ewe

Growing up my mom sacrificed at lot for me..

It was mostly goats and sheep....

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Bud the Cowboy

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new 2019 AUDI advanced towards him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man named Cliff in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked...

A physicist, engineer, and mathematician are asked by a local farmer to build the smallest fence they possibly can to hold in all of his sheep.

The physicist builds a big fence and slowly reduces the size until he can't reduce the fence any longer.

The engineer measures each sheep, stacks them in a specific way, and then builds a fence around them.

The mathematician builds a small fence around himself, then defines himself to ...

A shepherd tells his dog to go count the sheep...

So the dog goes out, comes back a little later. Shepherd says: “How many sheep you count out there?”
Dog says: “40”.
Shepherd says: “That’s not possible, I only had 38 to begin with!”.
And the dog goes: “Yeah but I rounded them up”.

I just saw a farmer shave a sheep in 1 second.

It was shear brilliance!

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What do you call a Pakistani with a sheep and a goat

Bisexual

Where do Welsh sheep farmers take their fleece to send overseas?

OooOooo woolwarves of London

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What's the difference between a sheep and a ram?

I can't sheep my dick into ur ass

Do androids dream of electric sheep?

Yes, but it takes a lot of ram.

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Research has shown that sheep have vaginas almost similar to women

Is that why Mary had a little lamb?

If cows go moo and sheep go baa, what do pigs say?

I'll make America great again

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