UPJOKE
woolherdcattlelivestockdairygrazinggoatmammalpigblack sheeppasturebisonwetherewemutton

A horse, a sheep, and a chicken lived together on a farm.

The horse had long dreamed of learning to play the guitar.


So the horse rings a music shop and he says, “Hey, I’d love to learn to play guitar. Is there anyone who can teach me”?


The music shop manager says “That’s not an issue, let’s get you started on some music lessons.” ...

How do you milk sheep?

Bring out a new iPhone and charge $1500 for it.

How does a Welshman find a sheep in long grass?

Irresistible

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How do male sheep masturbate?

They bleat-off!

I know. The joke is baaaaad.

A German Shepherd and a Sheep are out on a date...

German Shepherd: "What do you mean I'm too controlling?!"

Sheep: "You herd me."

A paddy comes upon his neighbour carrying a sheep under each arm.

- You gonna shear'em?
- No, they're both for me.

A sheep, a drum, and a snake fell off a cliff

Baa-dumm-tssss.

what is a sheep's favourite holiday

The Baaaahamas

Did you know The Chuckle Brothers had a 6 Foot 7 sheep

It was a 2 metre ewe

What tool do you use to inseminate a sheep?

A laminator!

A shepherd looks over at his flock of sheep in the pasture.

The day is ending soon, and he has to herd the sheep into their pen for the night. The shepherd calls for his trusty sheepdog and asks it to get the job done.

"Right away, sir," says the sheepdog.

10 minutes later, and the shepherd glances out his window to see the sheep safely in thei...

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A Welshman Invented the Condom when he Discovered he Could Wrap his Penis in Sheep Intestines to Prevent Pregnancy

A hundred years later a Scotsman perfected the idea by taking them out of the sheep first.

A New Zealand Farmer gets a knock on his door, it's a man in his mid-thirties who looks like he's been traveling a while.

The man asks if he could earn a meal and a place to stay for the night.

"Do you have any skills?" The farmer asks.

"Well, I do have a rare gift -- I can communicate with animals."

"...sure you can," the farmer says. "But I like your style. I'll put you to work."

So the ma...

I just sports car being driven by a sheep wearing a swimsuit.

I think it was a lamb bikini

A group of bats is a colony, crows is a murder, sheep is a flock. What is a group of idiots called?

A Freedom Caucus.

what do you get when you cross a sheep and a tub?

a baaaaaath

A blonde woman who recently died her hair brown stops by a sheep ranch...

She talks to the rancher and makes a deal with him. She tells him she'll guess exactly how many sheep he has in exchange to be able to take one home.

She guesses 692. Amazed, the rancher lets her select her prize. While she was putting her pick in her car the rancher says, "If I guess your re...

I need a funny punchline...

My bf is going on a trip and I thought it'd be fun to give him a joke and tell the punchline when he gets home. Only thing is we were on a time crunch and I just said the first thing that came to mind which was:

What do you call a sheep with 3 legs?

I have absolutely no idea so if anyo...

Why was the sheep farmer confused when IT came to fix his computer?

He kept telling him he had bad RAM.

Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?

Because a sheep can hear a zipper from 100 meters away.

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I had no idea how serious stealing sheep in new zealand was.

Until i got charged for sex trafficing.

I used to be a Shepherd, but I have no idea how many sheep I had.

Kept falling asleep trying to count them.

What do you call a flock of sheep tumbling down a hill?

A lambslide.

“I love my job!” exclaimed the farmer. “All you do is boss me around all day!” complained one of his sheep. “What did you say?” challenged the farmer. The sheep glared back and growled...

“You herd me.”

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How does a Scottish Farmer have sex with a sheep?

On the edge of a cliff so it pushes back.

Mary had a little sheep, and with that sheep, she did sleep.

The sheep turned out to be a ram. Mary had a little lamb.

An Aussie walks up to a New Zealander

and asks: is that your dog?

Kiwi: "Yep."

Aussie: "Mind if I speak to him?"

Kiwi: "Dog don’t talk bro."

Aussie: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doin' all right."

Aussie: "How's he treating you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great...

A sheep is working for the CIA

If you don't tell him what he wants to know, he'll bleat it out of you.

A man walks into his bedroom carrying a sheep. His wife looks horrified...

"See? See what I have to bang when you're not in the mood?"

The sheep says "Myyyyyyyy god. You weren't lying..."

What do you call a wolf in sheep's clothing?

A woolf

A man, his sheep and his Vet girlfriend…

Farmer Sam is tending to his flock and notices one of his sheep is bumping into things in a clumsy manner.

He inspects the sheep and can’t find any reasonable explanation for the sudden lack of coordination.

Fortunately, Farmer Sam has recently started dating Veronica, who happens to...

If a sheep is in control of a country, it will be called

A dictatorsheep

What’s a sheep farmer’s pronouns?

She/ar

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Dude walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm.

His wife is lying on the bed, reading. Dude says "This is the pig I fuck when you have a headache."

Wife says "I think you'll find that's a sheep under your arm."

Dude says: "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

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A Welshman is visiting New Zealand and finds a sheep farm

He sees some sheep in the field and hops the fence. As he walks up to one of the sheep, he sees the farmer walking up.

While slapping the butt of one of the sheep, he asks the farmer what the locals think of a little romance with the animals?

The farmer looks at him disgusted and says:...

This guy shows up at a farm and says he knows how to make animals speak

The farmer says, "That's ridiculous."

So the guy walks up to the farmer's cow and says "Moo moo moo."

The cow replies in English, "Oh, thank you for asking. He generally treats me very well. He milks me promptly at 5:30am every morning. If I had one suggestion, I wish he'd change the w...

What did the sheep say to the wolf?

Get baa baa baaaack

Heating bills keep going up so I crossed a sheep with a kangaroo.

To make a wooly jumper.

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Man walks in with a sheep under his arm.

So a man walks into his house with a sheep under his arm. Looks at his wife and says.

"This is the pig im fuckin when im not fuckin you"

She laughs and says.

"You idiot, thats a sheep not a pig.."

The man smiles and says.

"I was talking to the sheep"

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Went for a walk with my new girlfriend

and we saw dogs mating.

She said: "How does the male know when the female is ready for sex?"

I replied: "He can smell she is ready . That's how nature works."

We then walked past a sheep field and the ram was mating the ewe.

Again my girlfriend asked: "How does the ram kn...

Logic

Three professors of logic get on a train in Scotland and take a seat. They look out the window and see a black sheep. One of them says: "I didn't know Scotland had black sheep". The second one says, rather pedantically, "You only know Scotland has at least one black sheep." The third one chimes in, ...

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I saw a summit sheep on a road trip this week while driving through a mountain pass.

Summit was here, summit was over there, summit was flat and summit appeared to be missing.

An Eskimos car breaks down and a man from New Zealand pulls over to help him out. He has a look under the bonnet and says “looks like you’ve blown a seal” the Eskimo replies

“So what you f**k sheep”

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a welsh man was asked if he would have sex with a sheep for 1000$

the welsh man said "sure but under three conditions."

first, the sheep shouldn't have any diseases obviously

secondly, I don't want anyone i know to hear about this

and finally, give me a week to gather the 1000 dollars for you

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An academic from Oxford University is writing a paper on sheep shagging technique.

Having no personal experience on the subject, he decides to travel across the country and interview farmers from different regions to find out how they shag their sheep.

First, he visits a farmer in Scotland and asks him what his sheep shagging technique is.

“Well laddy, after grabbi...

A farmer has 895 sheep.

Realising that this is quite a lot of sheep for one farm, and Jess the sheepdog is getting a bit old, he decides he'll probably need a new dog- no, a whole team of dogs- to round so many sheep up.


So the next day, the farmer goes to the pet store. He looks around at the various herding do...

The guessing game

Tired of constant blonde jokes, a blonde dyes her hair brown.

She then goes for a drive in the country and sees a shepherd herding his sheep across the road.

\- "Hey, shepherd, if I guess how many sheep are here, can I keep one?"

The shepherd is puzzled but agrees. She blurts ou...

Did you hear about the farmer who left her sheep out in the blizzard?

She had to take them to the Icy Ewe ward.

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I read in my local paper this morning about some guy who got caught having sex with a sheep.

I had to read it twice, couldn't believe they spelt my name wrong.

My New Year's resolution is to start my own sheep farm

I've already found the perfect location in Seattle and I already moved over there. Now I'm just waiting for the first animals to arrive, because for the moment I'm basically Sheepless in Seattle ...

What is the difference between New Zealand and the United States?

In New Zealand the sheep have four legs

New Zealand scientists have discovered two new uses for sheep

Meat and wool.

A farmer asked his trusty sheepdog to go out and collect all the sheep and put them in the barn for the night.

Oh course the loyal pup went and did just as he was asked.

He came back and told the farmer that all 100 sheep were safe in the barn.

Confused, the farmer said "But I only have 97 sheep."

The pup says "I know, I rounded them up."

What do you get when you put a vibrator in sheep skin rug?

A baa hum rug!

How do you milk a sheep?

Sell headphones for $549.

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What do you call a Welshman who transports sheep?

A sex trafficker.

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A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop! Hop! Hop! When he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed! Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest!"

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed.

The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run! Run! Run! Hop! Hop! Hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep.

This sheep is about to shoot up ...

The sheep says 'baaa'

The cat says 'meow'

The pig says 'oink'

The dog says 'Ed... ward..'

How do you milk a sheep?

By inventing the next "covid cure" that's not a vaccine.

Why did Russia assemble an army of female sheep and wading birds at the border?

They were preparing for a ewe-crane invasion.

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(Original) If your palm, your ear and your balls itch…

If your palm itches, it usually means you’ll come across some extra money, so you might be a rich fucker.

If your ear itches, it usually means someone’s been talking about you, and you might be a well known fucker.

If your balls itch, it usually means you should shower more often, and ...

A Drunk's Poem

Starkle, starkle, little twink,

Who the hell you are I think.

I'm not under what they call

The alcofluence of incohol.

I'm not drunk as thinkle peep,

I'm just a little slort of sheep.

Tee martoonis make a guy

Fool so feelish, don't know why. ...

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3 farmers were talking about how they have sex with their sheep. The first one said “I put it’s back legs down my wellies so it can’t run off”. The second said “I put its back legs down my wellies and it’s front legs over a wall, gives a different position”

The third says “I put its back legs down my wellies, with it facing me and put its front legs over my shoulders”
“Why do you do that” asked the others, “well, I don’t want to miss out on the kissing”

Edit - Wellies = Wellington Boots = Gum Boots = Rubber Boots

What sound do Yoda’s sheep make?

Dey go baa!

I couldn't figure out why a male sheep is called a Ram...

Then it hit me.

A retired boxer goes to see his doctor because he’s having trouble sleeping. “Have you tried counting sheep?” the doctor asks.

“I tried,” the boxer explains, “but every time I get to the number nine I stand up.”

What do you get when you cross human DNA with sheep DNA?

Kicked off the farm

What do you get when you cross a sheep and a cow?

An animal in a...
baaaaaaaaaaad mooooooooood.

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematicians have to build a fence around a flock of sheep, using as little material as possible.

The engineer forms the flock into a circular shape and constructs a fence around it.

The physicist builds a fence with an infinite diameter and pulls it together until it fits around the flock.

The mathematicians thinks for a while, then builds a fence around himself and defines hims...

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The sheep Farmer

A Welsh man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.
After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help.
The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.
The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but...

How do you properly milk a flock of sheep?

Tell them the election was stolen, then ask for money.

I was viciously attacked by a flock of sheep…

But there was nothing I could do to stop the bleating.

My wife tells me that she can't stand sheep.

I told her that I think that's a ewe problem.

The Welsh invented the condom by using sheep’s intestine

The English perfected the condom by removing the intestine from the sheep

A man walks into a bar

He sits at the bar and orders a drink, and looks around. There's only one other man at the bar, so he decides to sit next to him and strike up a conversation.

"So, there, where do you do for a living?"

"Ah, I'm just a simple farmer."

"No fooling? I'm a farmer too. Barkeep! B...

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Barnyard Blues

There’s this horse in a barn and he’s watching TV and he sees a rock band playing music so he calls up a music teacher “Hey, I wanna learn to play guitar, there’s only 1 problem I’m a horse” music teacher says “no problem I can teach anyone anything” 2 months go by and horse is shredding it on the g...

Husband doing crossword with his wife

Husband: Emphatic no, five letters.

Wife: Never

H: Pistol, 3 letters.

W: Gun

H: Disgust, 3 letters.

W: Ugh

H: Charity, 4 letters.

W: Give

H: Female sheep, 3 letters

W: Ewe

H: Pixar movie, 2 letters

W: Up

What do Star sheep sound like?

Degoba

How do you milk a sheep?

Put an apple logo on your product.

"Honey, let's just a couple of sheep so we don't have to mow the lawn." -- "Oh, but what would we do with the wool?" -- "Well, we could-"

shear it

wash it

dry it

pick it

card it

bag it

store it

sell it

process it

clean it

buy it

keep it

pack it

send it

mail

insulate it

mulch it

fertilise it

toss it

compo...

What's the difference between Mick Jagger and an Irish sheep herder?

Mick Jagger says "Hey you get off of my cloud" and the Irish sheepherder says "Hey McCloud get off of my ewe"

Why do sheep not get covid?

They have herd immunity.

You wouldn't happen to be a consultant now, would you?

One day, a shepherd was out grazing his sheep when a stranger came up to him and made him a proposition:

Stranger: If I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have without counting them, will you let me have one of them as a prize?

The farmer, out of curiosity , agreed.

So the ...

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A shepherd was herding his flock

in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie,
leaned out the window and asked the shepherd... "If I tell you exactly how
many sheep you have in your flock, ...

The Greek learned you could avoid pregnancies by using sheep intestines.

The English later learned it also works if you remove it from the sheep first.

How do sheep feel about goats?

Meh.

Weight lifting sheep

Really raises the bahhhh

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(NSFW) Two rednecks, Junior and Billy, are walking through the forest and stumble upon a sheep with Its head stuck in the fence

Junior Looks at Billy and says, “Ima fuck that sheep!” So he runs up behind the sheep, pulls down his pants and starts fuckin it. After a few minutes he steps back, pulls up his pants and walks back to Billy. Junior looks at Billy and Says “I’m sorry, do you want a turn Billy?”

Billy looks a...

What do you call a sheep thief?

Steel wool.

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A ship goes down at sea

Two survivors wash up on the shore of an island--a man and a Chihuahua.
The only other inhabitants of the island are harmless native sheep that roam and feed aimlessly on the lush grass. Conditions are primitive, but the man and Chihuahua coexist peacefully for several years.
The man event...

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Shamelessly copied from another post just too old

Radio guy talkes to some guy:
- Sir, Do you speak English?
- Yes!
- Name?
- Abdul Aziz.
- Sex?
- Three to five times a day.
- No, no...I mean male or female?
- Yes, male, female, sometimes camel.
- Holy cow!
- Yes, cow, sheep, animals in general.
- But isn't that hos...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old Welshman’s wife storms into his bedroom to find him sitting on the ruffled bed.

“How did this muddy cunt get in here?”, she snapped, holding a sheep in her hands.

The man sat there silently. The bedsheets are sprawled and the room is a mess. He opens his mouth to answer back but she cuts him off.

“Don’t bother! I’ve seen you and the farmer’s wife staring at each o...

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A Father is driving home with his child in the back seat

The boy looks out the window and, seeing a field full of cows, excitedly says to his father;

“Dad! Look! Moo moos!”

His father looks angrily in the rear view mirror and says

“They’re not called moo moos! They’re cows! Say it properly!”

The boy replies quietly “cows, dad.”...

I was suddenly surrounded by a flock of sheep!

It was... a lambush!!!

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The Man who could only Drink Milk

I know an old man who had lived a life full of adventure, but his health started to catch up with him. He'd run the Boston Marathon, was an avid surfer, and climbed Everest, but he'd started to have abdominal pains around his 85th birthday and went to see a doctor. Sadly, he ultimately was diagnosed...

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Traveling Salesman and the Sheep.

A traveling salesman is lost in a rural part of West Virginia (that's a redundancy, but...). He comes upon a farm and stops to ask directions. As he walks up to the door, he happens to look up on a hill behind the house and sees a man copulating with a sheep. He doesn't know whether he should tell a...

I love jokes about sheep dogs..

I won’t be satisfied until I’ve herd them all.

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A farmer goes to the vet about his sheep

It's coming into lambing season, but the ewes aren't getting pregnant, and he doesn't know what to do. The vet suggests artificial insemination.



Our friend the farmer is a bit dim, and doesn't know what that means, and takes it that it falls on \*him\* to do the deed.

So that ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sheep shagging

An old Oxford professor is nearing retirement and decides that he wants to do something fun for once. He's spent his whole life researching scientific theories in his lab and wants to do something outside for a change, so he asks his assistant for a suggestion of something different to go and resear...

Why are New Zealand horses so fast?

Because they've seen what they do to the sheep.

Old farmer Joe just uses all his savings to buy 51 sheep...

To pass the season he plans to reproduce the 50 female sheep he bought with one ram doing the work.


To his misfortune the ram dies suddenly just after he got it. He goes to complain to his neighbor Bob about his problems and Bob, who also was a farmer, told him he had to do the job him...

A hiker in the mountains, meets a shepherd with a flock of sheep.

He ask him:

\+ Do sheep give a lot of wool?

\- Which? the white or the black ones?

The surprised hiker tells him:

\+ Well, the white ones.

\- About seven kilos of wool per season.

\+ And the black ones?

\- Seven kilos as well.

\+ And do...

A Republican walks up to a Democratic with a face mask and say, “do you know what I say to sheep like you?...

Whatever the Republican Party tells me too say.”

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