UPJOKE
woolherdcattlelivestockdairygrazinggoatmammalpigblack sheeppasturebisonwetherewetup

Why was the sheep farmer confused when IT came to fix his computer?

He kept telling him he had bad RAM.

“I love my job!” exclaimed the farmer. “All you do is boss me around all day!” complained one of his sheep. “What did you say?” challenged the farmer. The sheep glared back and growled...

“You herd me!"

I used to be a Shepherd, but I have no idea how many sheep I had.

Kept falling asleep trying to count them.

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TIL: A Welshman Invented the Condom when he Discovered he Could Wrap his Penis in Sheep Intestines to Prevent Pregnancy

A hundred years later a Scotsman perfected the idea by taking them out of the sheep first.

Heating bills keep going up so I crossed a sheep with a kangaroo.

To make a wooly jumper.

I just saw a car being driven by a sheep in a swimsuit.

It was a lamb bikini.

A man walks into his bedroom carrying a sheep. His wife looks horrified...

"See? See what I have to bang when you're not in the mood?"

The sheep says "Myyyyyyyy god. You weren't lying..."

Mary had a little sheep, and with that sheep, she did sleep.

The sheep turned out to be a ram. Mary had a little lamb.

What’s a sheep farmer’s pronouns?

She/ar

What do you call a wolf in sheep's clothing?

A woolf

What did the sheep say to the wolf?

Get baa baa baaaack

What do you call a flock of sheep tumbling down a hill?

A lambslide.

Why are the Sheep always booed out of the comedy club?

Their jokes are baaaaad.

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A Welshman is visiting New Zealand and finds a sheep farm

He sees some sheep in the field and hops the fence. As he walks up to one of the sheep, he sees the farmer walking up.

While slapping the butt of one of the sheep, he asks the farmer what the locals think of a little romance with the animals?

The farmer looks at him disgusted and says:...

Where do sheep get drunk in Boston?

At the baaaaa.


Thank you!

How do Welshmen find sheep in long grass?

Delightful

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Man walks in with a sheep under his arm.

So a man walks into his house with a sheep under his arm. Looks at his wife and says.

"This is the pig im fuckin when im not fuckin you"

She laughs and says.

"You idiot, thats a sheep not a pig.."

The man smiles and says.

"I was talking to the sheep"

A man, his sheep and his Vet girlfriend…

Farmer Sam is tending to his flock and notices one of his sheep is bumping into things in a clumsy manner.

He inspects the sheep and can’t find any reasonable explanation for the sudden lack of coordination.

Fortunately, Farmer Sam has recently started dating Veronica, who happens to...

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I read in my local paper this morning about some guy who got caught having sex with a sheep.

I had to read it twice, couldn't believe they spelt my name wrong.

Husband doing crossword with his wife

Husband: Emphatic no, five letters.

Wife: Never

H: Pistol, 3 letters.

W: Gun

H: Disgust, 3 letters.

W: Ugh

H: Charity, 4 letters.

W: Give

H: Female sheep, 3 letters

W: Ewe

H: Pixar movie, 2 letters

W: Up

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A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop! Hop! Hop! When he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed! Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest!"

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed.

The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run! Run! Run! Hop! Hop! Hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep.

This sheep is about to shoot up ...

If a sheep is in control of a country, it will be called

A dictatorsheep

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Dude walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm.

His wife is lying on the bed, reading. Dude says "This is the pig I fuck when you have a headache."

Wife says "I think you'll find that's a sheep under your arm."

Dude says: "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

Why did Russia assemble an army of female sheep and wading birds at the border?

They were preparing for a ewe-crane invasion.

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A man asks a farmer if he can work for a night's lodging and a meal.

Farmer gets a knock on his door, it's a man in his mid-thirties who looks like he's been traveling a while. The man asks if he could earn a meal and a place to stay for the night.



"Do you have any skills?" The farmer asks.



"Well, I do have a rare gift -- I can communica...

My New Year's resolution is to start my own sheep farm

I've already found the perfect location in Seattle and I already moved over there. Now I'm just waiting for the first animals to arrive, because for the moment I'm basically Sheepless in Seattle ...

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Do you know why the shepherd fucks the sheep on the edge of the cliff?

So it pushes back

What do you get when you put a vibrator in sheep skin rug?

A baa hum rug!

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a welsh man was asked if he would have sex with a sheep for 1000$

the welsh man said "sure but under three conditions."

first, the sheep shouldn't have any diseases obviously

secondly, I don't want anyone i know to hear about this

and finally, give me a week to gather the 1000 dollars for you

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An academic from Oxford University is writing a paper on sheep shagging technique.

Having no personal experience on the subject, he decides to travel across the country and interview farmers from different regions to find out how they shag their sheep.

First, he visits a farmer in Scotland and asks him what his sheep shagging technique is.

“Well laddy, after grabbi...

A farmer asked his trusty sheepdog to go out and collect all the sheep and put them in the barn for the night.

Oh course the loyal pup went and did just as he was asked.

He came back and told the farmer that all 100 sheep were safe in the barn.

Confused, the farmer said "But I only have 97 sheep."

The pup says "I know, I rounded them up."

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The sheep Farmer

A Welsh man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.
After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help.
The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.
The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but...

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An Englishman goes up to a Welsh farmer

Englishman: "That your dog?"

Welshman: "Aye"

Englishman: "Mind if I speak to him?'

Welshman: "Dog don't talk.”

Englishman: Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doing all right."

Welshman: (look of shock)

Englishman: Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the We...

My wife tells me that she can't stand sheep.

I told her that I think that's a ewe problem.

A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud toward him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefu...

How do you milk sheep?

Release new iPhone with less accessories

Did you hear about the farmer who left her sheep out in the blizzard?

She had to take them to the Icy Ewe ward.

New Zealand scientists have discovered two new uses for sheep

Meat and wool.

What sound do Yoda’s sheep make?

Dey go baa!

A missionary lives with a tribe in the jungle

one day the Chief of the tribe approaches him:

"You are the only white man around here, and now my daughter gave birth to a white child! Explain yourself, or prepare to die!"

The missionary hesitates for a moment, then replies:

"Nature is full of wonders. Look at those sheep ove...

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What do you call a Welshman who transports sheep?

A sex trafficker.

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and we saw dogs mating. She said: "How does the male know when the female is ready for sex?" I replied: "He can smell she is ready . That's how nature works."

We then walked past a sheep field and the ram was mating the ewe.

Again my girlfriend asked: "How does the ram knew when the ewe is ready for sex?"

I replied: "It's nature. He can smell she is ready."

We then went past a cow-field and the bull was mating with the cow.

My ...

What do you get when you cross a sheep and a cow?

An animal in a...
baaaaaaaaaaad mooooooooood.

The sheep says 'baaa'

The cat says 'meow'

The pig says 'oink'

The dog says 'Ed... ward..'

How do you milk a sheep?

By inventing the next "covid cure" that's not a vaccine.

The Welsh invented the condom by using sheep’s intestine

The English perfected the condom by removing the intestine from the sheep

A horse had a life long dream of playing the guitar

So there was a horse, and this horse always had a dream of playing the guitar.

So the horse calls up a music shop and he says, “Hey, I want to learn how to play the guitar.”

The music shop employee goes “That’s great we’ll set you up for music lessons.”

The horse responds “We...

What do Star sheep sound like?

Degoba

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Heard it?

A horse, Dave and his boss, the Pope, a cab driver, a drunk and his wife, a ventriloquist and a Welshman, two kids and their mother, three captives, a teacher and little Johnny, and a preacher and little Sally walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of a joke?"

Th...

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3 farmers were talking about how they have sex with their sheep. The first one said “I put it’s back legs down my wellies so it can’t run off”. The second said “I put its back legs down my wellies and it’s front legs over a wall, gives a different position”

The third says “I put its back legs down my wellies, with it facing me and put its front legs over my shoulders”
“Why do you do that” asked the others, “well, I don’t want to miss out on the kissing”

Edit - Wellies = Wellington Boots = Gum Boots = Rubber Boots

What is it called when a jewish sheep turns 13?

A baa mitzvah.

Did you know it was the Scots who first invented the condom, using sheep’s intestine?

Years later, the French perfected it by first removing it from the sheep.


^ An oldie my French-heritage father loves to tell around my Scottish-heritage mother.

How do you milk a sheep?

Sell headphones for $549.

I couldn't figure out why a male sheep is called a Ram...

Then it hit me.

What do you get when you cross human DNA with sheep DNA?

Kicked off the farm

A farmer has 895 sheep.

Realising that this is quite a lot of sheep for one farm, and Jess the sheepdog is getting a bit old, he decides he'll probably need a new dog- no, a whole team of dogs- to round so many sheep up.


So the next day, the farmer goes to the pet store. He looks around at the various herding do...

How do you properly milk a flock of sheep?

Tell them the election was stolen, then ask for money.

I was viciously attacked by a flock of sheep…

But there was nothing I could do to stop the bleating.

A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff

Baa-dum-ssss

What's the difference between Mick Jagger and an Irish sheep herder?

Mick Jagger says "Hey you get off of my cloud" and the Irish sheepherder says "Hey McCloud get off of my ewe"

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An Irish man bursts into a bar and demands a beer. He pounds it and slams it back and demands another. The bartender asks what's wrong?

The Irish man angrily slams the second beer and says, "You know, you build 100 roads for the community. But do they call you Seamus the road builder? No!"

He orders another beer and slams it back. "You build 1000 walls for the villages. But do they call you Seamus the wall builder? No!"
...

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Why do sheep herders wear pants with button flys?

Because sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.

Why do sheep not get covid?

They have herd immunity.

How do sheep feel about goats?

Meh.

Weight lifting sheep

Really raises the bahhhh

"Honey, let's just a couple of sheep so we don't have to mow the lawn." -- "Oh, but what would we do with the wool?" -- "Well, we could-"

shear it

wash it

dry it

pick it

card it

bag it

store it

sell it

process it

clean it

buy it

keep it

pack it

send it

mail

insulate it

mulch it

fertilise it

toss it

compo...

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Traveling Salesman and the Sheep.

A traveling salesman is lost in a rural part of West Virginia (that's a redundancy, but...). He comes upon a farm and stops to ask directions. As he walks up to the door, he happens to look up on a hill behind the house and sees a man copulating with a sheep. He doesn't know whether he should tell a...

I love jokes about sheep dogs..

I won’t be satisfied until I’ve herd them all.

The Greek learned you could avoid pregnancies by using sheep intestines.

The English later learned it also works if you remove it from the sheep first.

How did he guess?

A shepherd was tending his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a dust cloud approached at high speed, out of which emerged a shiny silver BMW. The driver, a young man in an Armani suit, Ferragamo shoes, Cartier sunglasses and a tightly knotted power tie, poked his head out the window and asked t...

A boxer was having trouble sleeping.

He goes to the doctor.

Doctor asks "Have you tried counting sheep?”

Boxer replies "I have but every time I get to the count of eight, I stand up.”

An Australian ventriloquist goes on holiday to New Zealand.

He's got a mate who has a property there, and he asks innocently, 'G'day mate, can I talk to your horse?' The Kiwi splits his sides. 'Horses don't talk you stupid Aussie!' Still the Aussie says, 'Hey horse, is this Kiwi your owner?' The horse nods, to the Kiwi's surprise. 'How does he treat you?' as...

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematicians have to build a fence around a flock of sheep, using as little material as possible.

The engineer forms the flock into a circular shape and constructs a fence around it.

The physicist builds a fence with an infinite diameter and pulls it together until it fits around the flock.

The mathematicians thinks for a while, then builds a fence around himself and defines hims...

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Sheep shagging

An old Oxford professor is nearing retirement and decides that he wants to do something fun for once. He's spent his whole life researching scientific theories in his lab and wants to do something outside for a change, so he asks his assistant for a suggestion of something different to go and resear...

In a remote tribal village…

A baby is born with light skin and fair hair. The expectant father, whose features are quite dark, is outraged. He gathers his weapons and heads straight for the only fair-skinned man in the entire region: a missionary the next village over who bears a striking resemblance to this newborn child.
...

Old farmer Joe just uses all his savings to buy 51 sheep...

To pass the season he plans to reproduce the 50 female sheep he bought with one ram doing the work.


To his misfortune the ram dies suddenly just after he got it. He goes to complain to his neighbor Bob about his problems and Bob, who also was a farmer, told him he had to do the job him...

How do you milk a sheep?

Put an apple logo on your product.

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Good old Johnny Boy

The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”...

I was suddenly surrounded by a flock of sheep!

It was... a lambush!!!

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(NSFW) Two rednecks, Junior and Billy, are walking through the forest and stumble upon a sheep with Its head stuck in the fence

Junior Looks at Billy and says, “Ima fuck that sheep!” So he runs up behind the sheep, pulls down his pants and starts fuckin it. After a few minutes he steps back, pulls up his pants and walks back to Billy. Junior looks at Billy and Says “I’m sorry, do you want a turn Billy?”

Billy looks a...

Gordon Ramsey hates reposts on r/aww. One day he sees someone reposting a baby sheep

He yells in the comments, "WHERE'S THE LAMB SOURCE!?"

Where do sheep live?

BAAASTON


Special thanks: my 5 year old son.

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A farmer goes to the vet about his sheep

It's coming into lambing season, but the ewes aren't getting pregnant, and he doesn't know what to do. The vet suggests artificial insemination.



Our friend the farmer is a bit dim, and doesn't know what that means, and takes it that it falls on \*him\* to do the deed.

So that ...

A hiker in the mountains, meets a shepherd with a flock of sheep.

He ask him:

\+ Do sheep give a lot of wool?

\- Which? the white or the black ones?

The surprised hiker tells him:

\+ Well, the white ones.

\- About seven kilos of wool per season.

\+ And the black ones?

\- Seven kilos as well.

\+ And do...

A dashing brunette is cruising through the countryside in her red sportswagon

She drives by a shepherd herding sheep and stops and ask:

"If I can guess your profession, can I get one of your sheep?"

As she is a rare beauty in the countryside, the sheepherder agrees.

She smiles knowingly:

"You are a sheepherder, aren't you!?"

The sheepherder ...

Farmer and his dog...

A farmer asks his Border Collie if he wants to hear a joke.

The dog replies yes.

The farmer says: There's a flock of sheep...

The Dog says: Herd it...

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Three Professors travel in a train in Switzerland...

A professor of sociology, a professor of mathematics and a professor of philosophy travel to a congress by train into Switzerland.

Looking out of the windows, the professor of sociology sees a black sheep.

"How interesting" he exclaims. "it appears there are black sheep in Switzerland"...

Train passes a flock of sheep

Passenger says to his friend, “wonder how many sheep there are.”

His friend takes a quick gander, shrugs, and remarks, “Looks like 82.”

“What? How do you know that??”

“Easy. I counted their legs and divided by 4.”

When you buy a sheep online...

Do you pay for a shipping fee?

A guy walks into a sheep pen,

"Hey, where's the baa-tender ?!"

What do you call a fat sheepdog?

A broader collie

Which One?

Once a shepherd was grazing his two sheeps. A man was walking around and aproached the shepherd and asks.

Man: "How much does the sheeps weigh?"

Shepherd :" Which one, black one or white one?"

Man : "the black one".

Shepherd : " 20kg".

The Man curiously asks,"And ...

One day a farmer notices his sheep have gotten out.

He puts them in another fence, and calls a guy to fix the other one. The guy arrives in a hour. The farmer shows him the fence and he gets to work. An hour later the farmer comes back and sees him removing fence post.

He does some work and returns a couple hours later. Again he is removing fe...

A monkey escaped from the petting zoo.

He rode out the gates on the back of a baby sheep.
Authorities have stated that he is on the lamb.

A sheep and a goat went on a blind date and found out they had nothing in common.

When asked about their experience,

the Sheep went: “Bah”

and the Goat went “Meh”.

Which side of the sheep has more wool?

Outside.

A farmer with a pet sheep has a serious problem...

The sheep is in heat and damaging the house. His daughter loves the sheep and he has no male sheep at all.
Considering the problem he decides on a solution and asks a young worker on his crew, who is a good lad but none too bright if he would be willing to “take care of” Bessie the sheep for $500...

A Republican walks up to a Democratic with a face mask and say, “do you know what I say to sheep like you?...

Whatever the Republican Party tells me too say.”

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