How did the redneck find the sheep in the tall grass

Satisfying.

How do you milk sheep?

With iPhone accessories.

Where do sheep go to get their hair cut?

The baabaa shop

​

(the other best joke from my son)

A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science.

One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"
...

What do you call a muscular sheep?

Swool

In 1872 the Welsh invented the condom, using a sheep's lower intestine.

In 1873, the British refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the sheep first.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Australian goes to new Zealand

An Australian goes to new Zealand and sees a guy fucking a sheep on the side of the road, he says mate, in Australia we sheer our sheep. The new Zealand guy says, fuck off, I'm not sheering her with anyone.

How does a sheep say Christmas?

Fleece Navidad

​

(one of my son's best, so he says)

Where is a sheeps favourite place to drink?

At their local baa.

As a farmer, I love telling my dog sheep jokes,

But he'd herd them all.

A sheep, a drum, and a snake fell off of a cliff.

Ba Dum Tss

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There was a farmer who wanted his sheep to get pregnant

However, he hadn't got a male sheep, so he asked a friend what could he do. His friend told him to take the sheep to the mountain, fuck them himself and wait to the next day. If the next day they were placed in the sun, they were pregnant, of they were placed in the shade, they weren't pregnant.
...

Why are sheep biased when it comes to car sales?

They only buy and sell Ram

Scientists have determined that it's impossible to change a female sheep into a male.

They'll never make a man out of ewe.

A farmer has 895 sheep.

Realising that this is quite a lot of sheep for one farm, and Jess the sheepdog is getting a bit old, he decides he'll probably need a new dog- no, a whole team of dogs- to round so many sheep up.

So the next day, the farmer goes to the pet store. He looks around at the various herding dogs- ...

A retired boxer goes to see his doctor because he’s having trouble sleeping. “Have you tried counting sheep?” the doctor asks.

​

“I tried,” the boxer explains, “but every time I get to the number nine I stand up.”

What do you call it when you round up 69 sheep?

70 sheep.

How does a Welsh man find a sheep in long grass?

Irresistible

What is a sheep’s favorite office tool?

A lamb-inator

So my buddy and I were driving down a country road and see a sheep with it's head stuck in the fence.

Now, like any good ol Montana boy I know a good opportunity when I see it. I pull over and walk up to the sheep and unzip my pants and start giving it to her. I'm really give'n her the boots when I look over and my buddy is jacking off. I mean, he's really beat'n his meat. Kinda freaked out I stop ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Sheep Shagging

An old Oxford professor is nearing retirement and decides that he wants to do something fun for once. He's spent his whole life researching scientific theories in his lab and wants to do something outside for a change, so he asks his assistant for a suggestion of something different to go and resear...

Guy moves to America, just learning English, gets cut off in traffic and yells 'E# Female Sheep'

buddy in the car goes, um, no, it's f u

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

NSFW An Aussie ventriloquist is driving through New Zealand

An Australian ventriloquist is driving through New Zealand. His car breaks down and he has to walk to the nearest farm.

He gets to the farm and asks the farmer if he can use the phone. The farmer agrees, and the Australian calls for a mechanic.The mechanic is going to take a couple of hour...

How do you clean a sheep?

Give them a baaaath.

I will see myself out now.

A cornea, a female sheep, a tire and a nerd walk into a haunted house

The cornea bounces in first, making plenty of noise all throughout the house, and leaves terrified and satisfied.

The female sheep prances in next, and terrified bleeting can be heard by all, before she leaves in fear.

The tire rolls in next, making loud, frightened rubbery noises insi...

What do you call a guy walking down the middle of the street in Alabama with sheep under his arms?

A Pimp!

What do you call a bunch of sheep rolling down a hill?

A lambslide

A sheep, two doughnuts, and a snake walked into a bar.

Bah-Dunk-Dunk, Sssss.

What would someone with dyslexia call two female sheep?

You and I.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How did the Japanese sheep greet the farmer?

Konichi-baaaaa

NASA was preparing for the Apollo project

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, some of the training of the astronauts took place on a Navajo reservation.

One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question that his son translated. "What...

Where does virgin wool comes from?

From ugly sheep.

My (blonde) sister hates blonde jokes. I (redhead) told her I have a redhead joke for her. She was eager to hear it!

A redhead goes for a drive through the country, just enjoying the peaceful ride with her windows open. She has to stop as a shepherd is moving his flock across the road. The redhead gets out of her car to stretch and has an idea.

"Hey Mister! If I can guess how many sheep you have, may I keep...

What do you call a secret agent who watches over sheep?

A sheppard spy

Did you hear about the Sheep who wanted to become a Jedi?

He hailed from the Dagobaaaaaaah system.

An Army soldier, an Air Force pilot, and a Marine stumble upon a sheep with its head stuck in a fence.

The army man says, "Guys, this is a perfect opportunity!"

"For what?" the others inquire.

Before the other two can finish their thought, the army man walks over to the sheep, drops his pants, and starts giving it hot and heavy to the helpless animal.

"What are you doing?!" excla...

An Australian ventriloquist visits NZ

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks
into a Small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi

'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?'

Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid...

What is the sheep's favourite musucian?

Bach.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A farm boy graduated from college with a degree in journalism.

He got hired immediately and was told his first assignment was to write a human interest story. Being from the country, he decided to go back home to do his research.

He went to an old farmer's house way out in the hills, introduced himself to the farmer, and explained what he was there to ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Flat Tire.

An Inuit is visiting Scotland and his rental car got a flat tire. After getting towed to the local Auto repair garage, the mechanic looks at it and says, "looks like you blew a seal."

​

To which the Inuit replied, "Well, you fucked a sheep."

A vegetarian lady looked at my mutton curry and said, "You know, a sheep died so you could have that."

I looked at her salad and responded, "Maybe she died because you keep eating all her food!!"

Courtesy of my 11yo - where do sheep go on vacation?

The Baaaaa-hamas!

How do you milk sheep?

Bring out a new iPhone and charge $1000 for it.

What was the first thing the farmers daughter said after watching a sheep give birth for the first time?

Ewe

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

In the mid-1200s, the Arabs found that women would not become pregnant if a sheep intestine was placed around the penis during sex.

When the practice came to Europe, it was immediately discovered that the intestine should first be removed from the sheep.

A shepherd tells his dog to go count the sheep...

So the dog goes out, comes back a little later. Shepherd says: “How many sheep you count out there?”
Dog says: “40”.
Shepherd says: “That’s not possible, I only had 38 to begin with!”.
And the dog goes: “Yeah but I rounded them up”.

Why did the sheep all fall asleep before bed time?

They tried to do a head count.

A blond is driving down country roads feeling smart because she dyed her hair brown

She turns a corner and finds the road completely blacked by sheep. The farmer comes it the the window and apologizes for blockage, he says they’ll be past in a few minutes. The “brunette” looks at the sheep and back at the farmer and says “if I can guess how meant sheep are there can I have one?” Th...

How do Russian sheep talk?

They CYKA BLEAT

A blonde got fed up with all the Blonde jokes......

So she cut her hair short and dyed it black. Bought a snazzy convertible and went driving through the countryside.
On a back country road, she drove up to a large flock of sheep that were slowly crossing the road. As she sat there watching the flock she saw the farmer standing there.
She said ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Any person who illegally exports sheep is called an Owler.

Unless they're from Wales. Then they're just called a sex trafficker.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do Welsh men and Apple users have in common?

Both are fucking sheep.

This farmer was telling me about how brilliant his sheepdog was at maths,

"Watch this," he said. "Shep, what's seven plus two, "
And the dog barked ten times.
"OK, Shep, what's fifteen plus four. "
And the dog barked twenty times.
"He's very good, " I replied, but he's a little over. "
"Yeah, " answered the farmer, "old habits die hard, he's just rounding t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's the difference between a sheep and a ram?

I can't sheep my dick into ur ass

Do androids dream of electric sheep?

Yes, but it takes a lot of ram.

Why did Ebenezer shove mints up a sheeps ass?

baa! humbug

What is a dimension completely inhabited by sheep?

A eweniverse.

What do you call a sheep tied to a pole in rural Ireland?

A sperm bank

How did the sheep know he was going to succeed?

Where there's a wool there's a way.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Scotsman and a Newfie were walking down the road when they saw a sheep with its head stuck in the fence.

A Scotsman and a Newfie were walking down the road when they saw a sheep with its head stuck in the fence.

"A'right! The perfect opportunity!" cried the Scotsman, who lifted his kilt and leapt on the backside of the sheep, shagging it furiously until he was satisfied.

Smiling, the Scot...

Every time I visit my Uncle’s farm I think the sheep are pointing and laughing at me when I’m not looking..

Are ewe kidding me

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a Pakistani with a sheep and a goat

Bisexual

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did you know that the condom was invented by the Turks?

They used the intestines of sheep around their penis when having sex.

And did you know that years later, the Brits were the ones who improved the condom by removing the sheep?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Research has shown that sheep have vaginas almost similar to women

Is that why Mary had a little lamb?

Sheep Joke

\- What do you call a SHEEP covered with CHOCOLATE?

\--- CANDY BAA

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A married man carries a sheep into his bedroom.

His wife is laying on the bed confused and asks him what is going on. The man says "This is the pig I fuck when you are too tired". "That's not a pig that's a sheep" says the wife. To which the husband responds "shhh I'm not talking to you"

Where do Welsh sheep farmers take their fleece to send overseas?

OooOooo woolwarves of London

The sheep does not fight.

It fleece.

"I love my job!" said the farmer

"All you do is boss us around all day" said the sheep

"What did you say?" said the farmer

"You herd me" said the sheep

If cows go moo and sheep go baa, what do pigs say?

I'll make America great again

This farmer came up to me and said I've got 68 sheep, can you round them up for me?

I said sure, 70!

I just saw a farmer shave a sheep in 1 second.

It was shear brilliance!

What time is it in Montana when the sheep get their head caught in the fence?

It’s Mountain time

What do you call a sheep that's been brought back to life?

Lamb Shankenstein's Monster.

How can you tell if a sheep has met Yoda?

Dago Bah

A farmer sends his dog out to count his sheep.

When the dog returns, it says, "Woof! You've got fifty sheep out there!"

"Fifty?" said the farmer. "I thought there were only forty-eight."

"Yes, that's right," said the dog. "First I counted them, and then I rounded them up!"

If you've been a bad person in England, they will call you a pig. In America, they'll call you a sheep. In the Soviet Union...

You crane!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An angry man walks into his bedroom, carrying a sheep

His wife doesn't seem pleased. The man yells out angrily "This is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache"!

The wife replies "that's no pig, thats a sheep".

The man says "I was talking to the sheep"!

What do get when you cross a sheep with a cop?

A fleece officer

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematicians have to build a fence around a flock of sheep,

using as little material as possible. The engineer forms the flock into a circular shape and constructs a fence around it. The physicist builds a fence with an infinite diameter and pulls it together until it fits around the flock. The mathematicians thinks for a while, then builds a fence around hi...

My friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep.

I said "40"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Honey, remember how when we started dating you told me you were an insomniac and I told you I only had five sex partners?

Neither of us were counting sheep.

What did Dolly the Sheep’s friend say to her right after her clone was born?

“Look, it’s a little ewe.”

A sheep walks into a baa

You’re welcome

This morning Alabama announced they have discovered a new use for sheep.

Wool.

A group of sheep walk into a buffet.

The waiter approaches the group and says, "the ladies can eat, but the men will only be able to order drinks".

"Baaa... care to explain yourself?" asks one of the rams

"I'm sorry Sir, but as the sign stated on the door, this is an all ewe can eat buffet".

How did the farmer manage to shave 100 sheep in one hour?

Shear effort

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My uncle was caught having sex with sheep at a petting zoo and he just escaped from prison.

Now he’s on the lam

A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm...

...his wife wakes up and asks him what he's doing.

He says, 'Honey, this is the pig I sleep with when you have a headache.'.

The wife sneers at him and says, 'You idiot, that isn't a pig, it's a sheep!'.

The husband replies, ' I wasn't talking to you.'.

What's a sheep's favorite type of joke?

Baaad ones.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Australian farmer walks out of a barn with two sheep under his arms

The farmer’s assistant says “ya shearin’?”

He replies “Nah, I’m gonna fuck em both myself”

What sound do alien sheep from Star Wars make?

Dagobah

The Welsh have been using sheep intestine as a contraceptive for hundreds of years.

It is only recently that they have decided to take the intestine out of the sheep.

How many sheep do I have?

There once was a blonde who was very tired of blonde jokes and insults directed at her intelligence.

So, she cut and dyed her hair, got a make-over, got in her car, and began driving around in the country.

Suddenly, she came to a herd of sheep in the road. She stopped her car and went ...

Why did the sheep go to Boston?

To drink at the Bahs.

A sheep finds a penny on the street

"Better than mutton."

Why did the Sheep run off the cliff?

He didn't see the ewe turn

Herding sheep.

A sheep herder is watching his dog herd all their sheep into a pen. The dog finishes and says "Master, I've got all 30 sheep in the pen". The man looks at the sheep, then back to the dog and says "but I only count 26". The dog says "I know, I rounded them up".

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician see a black sheep while riding a train in England...

The engineer says: oh, there are black sheep in England

The physicist says: no... there is at least ONE black sheep in England

The mathematician says: no. In England there is at least ONE sheep of which at least ONE side of it is black

A physicist, engineer, and mathematician are asked by a local farmer to build the smallest fence they possibly can to hold in all of his sheep.

The physicist builds a big fence and slowly reduces the size until he can't reduce the fence any longer.

The engineer measures each sheep, stacks them in a specific way, and then builds a fence around them.

The mathematician builds a small fence around himself, then defines himself to ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A farmer walks up to his wife with a sheep under his arm...

He says “I’ve been fucking this pig since we’ve been together”.
The wife says “Stupid farmer, that’s a sheep, not a pig.”
“Shut up Pig, I’m taking to the sheep.”

What did the sheep say to its new Facebook friend?

Unfriend me if you don't like what I have to shear.