“I love my job!” exclaimed the farmer. “All you do is boss me around all day!” complained one of his sheep. “What did you say?” challenged the farmer. The sheep glared back and growled...

“You herd me.”

A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff

Ba-dumm-tsss

What do you call a flock of sheep tumbling down a hill?

A lambslide

A woman is reading a book in bed when her husband enters with a sheep under his arm

The husband holds the sheep up to the woman and exclaims: "This is the pig I'm cheating on you with."

The woman, confused by the notion, replies: "But... that's a sheep."

To which the husband shakes his head and says: "I wasn't talking to you."

Tired of constant blonde jokes, a blonde dyes her hair brown. She then goes for a drive in the country and sees a shepherd herding his sheep across the road.

"Hey, shepherd, if I guess how many sheep are here, can I keep one?"

The shepherd is puzzled but agrees. She blurts out "352!"

He is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick a sheep.

"I'll take this one," she says proudly. "It's the cutest!"

"Hey lady," says the ...

One day the shepherd dog said to the shepherd man: “Here are all the 100 sheep. ”

The man was surprised: “What? We only have 97 sheep.”
The dog said: “I know. I rounded them up.”

Where are all these sheep getting their haircuts?

At the baa-baa shop

The Welsh invented the condom by using sheep guts

The English improved their idea by taking them out of the sheep.

The interesting thing about sheep puns

Is the SHEAR volume of them.

Just saw a sheep fight a cow

Looks like they were in a baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad mooooooooooooooooooooooooooood

How do you milk a sheep?

Release a new iPhone.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm.

His wife is laying in bed. The man exclaims “This is the pig I fuck when you don’t put out” His wife says “Are you drunk? That’s not a pig that’s a sheep”

The man replies “Shut up, I was talking to the sheep”

I read that the Welsh invented the condom in the Middle Ages by using a piece of sheep’s intestine.

The English later improved the design by taking it out of the sheep first.

A reporter interviews a sheep farmer.

They are standing next to a large meadow where lots of black and white sheep are being pastured.

"So how much grass do the sheep eat every day?" asks the reporter.

"Do you mean black or white sheep?" asks he farmer.

"Okay, let's say black."

"Oh, they eat about ten pounds ...

A retired boxer goes to see his doctor because he’s having trouble sleeping. “Have you tried counting sheep?” the doctor asks.

“I tried,” the boxer explains, “but every time I get to the number nine I stand up.”

A joke my 4 year old told me. What sound does a robot sheep make?

Be-e-ep, be-e-ep.

Why is it funny to put a Sheep, a stupid man and a snake next to each other?

Baa Dum Tss

A Welsh father is hitchhiking with his son when he comes across a sheep with his head stuck in a fence

The father says to the son "Watch this." and proceeds to undo his zipper and then makes love to the sheep. When he is finished, he steps away from the sheep and says to his son "Your turn, son." The son sighs before sticking his head in the fence.

A reporter visits a small village farm to interview a farmer about his sheep.

A reporter visits a small village farm to interview a farmer about his sheep.

Reporter:So Billy,what do feed your sheep?

Billy:I feed the white one corn mix.

Reporter:what about the black one?

Billy:I feed it corn mix as well.

Reporter: Ok,where do your sheep sleep...

How do you wrap plastic around a baby sheep?

Lambinate

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop! Hop! Hop! When he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed! Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest!"

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed.

The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run! Run! Run! Hop! Hop! Hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep.

This sheep is about to shoot u...

What do you call a wolf in sheep's clothing?

A woolf.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks in on his wife sleeping with a sheep under her arm

He points and says “This is the pig I fuck when you’ve got a headache”

The wife replies “This is a sheep you idiot!”

Husband says “I wasn’t talkin to you bitch!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(NSFW) Two rednecks, Junior and Billy, are walking through the forest and stumble upon a sheep with Its head stuck in the fence

Junior Looks at Billy and says, “Ima fuck that sheep!” So he runs up behind the sheep, pulls down his pants and starts fuckin it. After a few minutes he steps back, pulls up his pants and walks back to Billy. Junior looks at Billy and Says “I’m sorry, do you want a turn Billy?”

Billy looks a...

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A New Zealander walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says....

"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."

The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says,
"If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."

The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd realize I was ta...

Husband doing crossword with his wife

Husband: Emphatic no, five letters.

Wife: Never

H: Pistol, 3 letters.

W: Gun

H: Disgust, 3 letters.

W: Ugh

H: Charity, 4 letters.

W: Give

H: Female sheep, 3 letters

W: Ewe

H: Pixar movie, 2 letters

W: Up

What does a sheep need to do to become a lawyer?

Pass the baa-aa-aah!

So there's this sheep farmer who had money troubles because he wasn't selling a lot of wool. He decided to sell the meat instead...

...needless to say, things went from baa to wurst.

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Why do the Scottish graze their sheep at the edges of a cliff?

They push back harder when you're shagging them.

A strapping young man joins the sheep camp, but soon feels an ache in his loins.

Being up in the mountains, far from the nearest brothel, he asks the other shepherds what they do. They all say, "pick a sheep and have yer fun!" Turning beet red, he's sure they're messing with him, so he decides to wait.

A couple weeks later, he's really desperate, so he asks again. Again, ...

I lost my job as a Shepard for never cutting the sheep's wool

I guess it was due to shear laziness.

What do you get when you cross a sheep and a kangaroo?

A whooly jumper

How do sheep keep secrets?

They use bahhh-codes.

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Did you know all sheep have similar music tastes?

They all like music types such as Rock and Dubstep. So basically anything that has a lot of baaaaaaass.

Bob the sheepdog was getting the sheep

Bob the sheepdog was getting the sheep in for Farmer Fred. He completed his task and went bounding over to the Farmer shouting “Farmer Fred, Farmer Fred…. I chased 40 sheep in to the yard for you”.

“40 sheep?” queries Farmer Fred. “I’ve only got 37”

“I know” says Bob. “I rounded th...

I was gonna tell you a sheep joke but

It was going to be baaaaaaaad

An old shepherd was watching his sheep and resting himself on a very tall club.

A youngster notices him, while passing by, greets him and asks:
"Sir, why are you standing like that?"
He replies: "Like what?"
"Like that: stretching your legs. Why don't you cut off some of that club."


The shepherd takes his hands off the club and points at it:
"Ho...

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A farmer walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and stands at the foot of his bed next to his wife who is reading...

"See here, this is what I have sex with every time you have a headache." said the farmer.

"Honey, I do believe that is a sheep you are holding." said the wife.

"I do believe I wasn't talking to you." said the farmer.

Pushing a young sheep into a hostess snack...

Is a ram-a-lamb-a-ding-dong.

What did the sheep say to the abusive shepard?

Stop herding me!

How did the farmer find the sheep in the tall grass?

Satisfying.

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[Not the Same one] A sheep and a snake roll down a hill inside a drum

Ba dum tss ba dum tss ba tss tss dum



P.S. i know this is a shitty take on the sound, but you hear it at the start of the video.

My wife made this joke and she was so proud of herself so I have to share it:

What do you do with a dirty sheep?


*****


******


******


*****


Give it a Baaaaath

How to get the wool of a very very rare sheep?

With shear luck

Why could the flock of female sheep never remember anything?

Not enough Ram.

Which tastes better, sheep's milk or cow's milk?

My stepmother's.

What country was sheep's discovered?

In the BAAhamas

A Scotsman was giving a walking tour to a Greek guy through the hills of Scotland. They came across a sheep that had its head stuck in a hole in a fence.

‘Let me show you what we do in a situation like this’ says the Scotsman with a grin as he unzips his trousers and has his way with the sheep. After he finished he turns to the Greek and says
‘Ok, now it’s your turn’
‘I can’t!’ Protests the Greek, ‘My head won’t fit in that hole.’

What do you call Welsh man with more than 5 sheep?

A pimp

If I told you that I had carved a female sheep from a tree stump...

Wood Ewe believe it?

What are a sheep’s pronouns?

Sheep/herd

A new breed of sheep have been raising the

Baaaahhhhh

A sheperd and his flock of sheep wondered onto his grumpy old neighbors property and got stuck in a fenced area...

...his neighbor told him to hurry and get the flock out.

A Sheep, A Blonde, and A Snake fall over...

....Baaa Dumb, Tsss

NSFW The husband came home carrying a sheep under his arm and walked into the bedroom.

"This is the pig I've been sleeping with" he said. His wife looked at him and said, "That's not a pig, it's a sheep." The man answered " I wasn't talking to you"

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, some of the training of the astronauts took place on a Navajo reservation. One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question that his son translated.

"What are these guys in the big suits doing?" A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. Afte...

A farmer who owned 67 sheep asked me to round them up

I said, “Sure, 70.”

A New Zealander is walking down the road with a sheep under each arm...

A local man spots him and asks 'Are you shearing?'

To which he says 'No, I'm gonna sleep with both of them '.

What did one sheep herder say to the other sheep herder?

Let's get the flock out of here

My friend invented a machine that turns sheep shearings into cherries. If you put in black wool, you get black cherries. If you put in white wool, you get maraschino cherries.

Red wool gives you bings.

A sheepdog was working with a farmer to get the sheep into the pen.

When he was finished, he said to the farmer, "That's all fifty sheep!"

Confused, the farmer said, "But I only have forty-eight sheep."

The sheepdog replied, "I know. I rounded them up!"

 
^(courtesy of my desktop dog calendar I got last xmas)

What is the favorite instrument when two sheep get together?

....a tu-baaaaaaaaaaaa

How do you milk a sheep?

Put an apple logo on it.

Why do Scottish people wear kilts?

Because Sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jack is a cowboy working on a large ranch in a remote pasture in Wyoming.

One day as he’s overseeing the livestock on the ranch a brand-new 7 Series BMW suddenly advances towards him creating an enormous cloud of dust in the process

The car stops and the driver is a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses and YSL tie. He steps out of the car and...

What do you call a sheep with a sports car?

A Lamb-orghini...

What happens when you cross a sheep with consequence?

Ramifications

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two farmers are walking along a field and come across a sheep that has gotten its head stuck in a fence.

"Now let's have some fun!" one of them says as he takes off his pants, and fucks the sheep. "Now it's your turn!" he says to the other farmer. -"Okay" he responds, sticking his head into the fence.

Theres an old African Saying "A Lion leading an Army of Sheep can defeat An Army of Lions led by A Sheep".

And like i get the message and its a nice analogy and all but if A Sheep somehow manage to become leader of an Army of Lions, then my moneys on the Sheep

Where do sheep go to get drunk?

a baaa

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ok so a horse is watchin MTV

The horse is seeing a rock band and thinks "hey I could do that." The horse calls up guitar center and is like "hey I wanna learn guitar, just one problem, I'm a horse." The employee says "don't worry we can do that." The horse goes, learns guitar for a few months, gets really good, and is pretty ha...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blonde woman wants to prove she is smart.

So she dyes her hair brunette and goes out for a challenge.
She finds a shepherd with a big herd,
and asks him if she can guess the number of sheep in the first try and if she guesses right she could keep one of the sheep.
The shepherd agrees. After a good look at the herd she thinks and te...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer man was accused of having sex with his sheep

The farmer simply replied "Fuck what you heard."

A guy gets stranded on a small island with a dog and a sheep...

After a few months, the sheep starts looking really pretty. But every time he makes a move on it, the dog growls menacingly. He tries to run up and shove it in the sheep before the dog notices, but the dog freaks out and starts biting him, so he runs off, leaving the sheep alone.

Then one da...

The idea of using sheep intestines as condoms was originated in Scotland.

The British further refined the idea by removing it from the sheep

What do sheep call the oldest patriarch of the herd?

The pasture prime.

What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?

A candy baa

how many sheep are stuck in traffic

none because sheep cant drive!! hahahaha

A redhead goes for a drive through the country..

A redhead goes for a drive through the country, just enjoying the peaceful ride with her windows open. She has to stop as a shepherd is moving his flock across the road. The redhead gets out of her car to stretch and has an idea.

"Hey Mister! If I can guess how many sheep you have, may I keep...

What do you call a kangaroo whos in love with a sheep?

A wolly jumper

In an African tribe village, the chieftain's wife gave birth to a white skinned child.

The chieftain quickly figured the voluntary doctor from Europe might be to blame. So the chieftain asked him to talk in his tent.

Chieftain: "Today my wife gave birth to a white child. She and I are dark skinned. You are white. It doesn't take a doctor to figure out that you have slept with ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An interview

Interviewer: "So you must be here for the telephonic interview. What's your name?"

Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."

Interviewer: "Sex?"

Man: "Three to five times a week."

Interviewer: "No no! I mean male or female?"

Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."

Interv...

What do you call a sheep with a machine gun?

Lambo.

I went in the butchers the other day.

I said: "You've got a sheep's head in the window."

The butcher said: "That's a mirror."

What did the sheep say to the pig on Christmas Day?

Fleece Navidad

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A tourist in Australia

A tourist arrived in Australia, hired a car and set off for the Outback. On his way he saw a guy having sex with a sheep. Deeply horrified, he pulled up at the nearest bar and ordered a straight Scotch. Just as he was about to throw it back, he saw a guy with one leg masturbating furiously at the ba...

You're gonna ask me why i have a sheep's skull on my bathroom scale, arent you?

Weigh a head of ewe there.

A farmer has 895 sheep.

Realising that this is quite a lot of sheep for one farm, and Jess the sheepdog is getting a bit old, he decides he'll probably need a new dog- no, a whole team of dogs- to round so many sheep up.


So the next day, the farmer goes to the pet store. He looks around at the various herding do...

They found a new use for sheep in Ireland.

Making wool

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the sheep who thought she was a rope but couldn’t hold it together?

Shit ewe knot she fell fell apart!

My friend the sheep herder had his bachelor party.

He was so happy I gave him velcro gloves.

How to get a relationship

1)Buy a sheep
2)Name it relation
3)Now you have a relationsheep

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

a list of puns!

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

How does a Welsh man find a sheep in talk grass?

Irresistible.

A farmer bought a rooster to service his hens.

So, this farmer went out and bought a new rooster as a stud rooster. Every day, the farmer watched the rooster go service all the hens, then the rooster would start in on the pigs, the sheep, the cows, it would mate with them all. The farmer always shook his head and said, "One of these days.. one o...

Where do sheep go to watch funny videos?

EweTube

Why should you muzzle a wounded sheep?

To help stop the bleating

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There's a German Shepherd that comes to crap on my lawn every day. It's really annoying.

Yesterday, it got even worse because he brought all his sheep with him!

A female sheep walks into a bar with a baby cow and a baby goat

Bartender says: Ewe Calf to be Kidding me!

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