The 104+ Best Sheep Jokes

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Did you hear about the man arrested for sexual relations with a sheep?

He's no longer on the lam.

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A drunk man with a sheep under his arm walks into his bedroom

Where his wife is in bed. He says "this is the pig I have sex with when I'm not with you"
His wife hardly looks up and says "you daft twat, that's a sheep"
"I know," says the man, "I was talking to the sheep..."

What happens if you you cross an angry cow with an angry sheep?

You get two animals that are in a *baaaad moooood.*

I saw a car being driven by a sheep in a swimsuit

It was a Lamb-Bikini

what do you call a sheep in a tub?

a baaaath

What do you call a really fast sheep?

A lamb-orghini.

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TIL: A Welshman Invented the Condom when he Discovered he Could Wrap his Penis in Sheep Intestines to Prevent Pregnancy

A hundred years later a Scotsman perfected the idea by taking them out of the sheep first.

How do you milk sheep?

Bring out a new iPhone and charge $1500 for it.

TIL humans bred sheep to grow an uncomfortable amount of wool

Some vegans object, but I think that's more of a ewe problem.

Where does a sheep sit in the car during a road trip?

In the Ba a a ack

How does a Welshman find a sheep in long grass?

Irresistible

What do you call a wolf in sheep's clothing?

Woolf

What did the insolent sheep mumble to the shepherd?

You herd me.

What’s a sheep’s favorite weapon?

Baaahzooka

A paddy comes upon his neighbour carrying a sheep under each arm.

- You gonna shear'em?
- No, they're both for me.

A sheep, a drum and a snake fell off a cliff…

Baa-Dumm-Tssssss….

I saw that our local zoo has an interesting attraction : A lion and a sheep living peacefully in the same cage.

I asked the zookeeper whether they ever fight. He said, "Rarely."

I asked what happens when they do.

"We get another sheep."

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How do male sheep masturbate?

They bleat-off!

I know. The joke is baaaaad.

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What do you call erotic fan fiction about sheep?

Smutton

The Swiss have an ancient Valentine's Day tradition of giving their crush a pregnant sheep

In Swiss German, this animal gift is known as "fond-ewe".

How do you milk sheep?

Bring out a new iPhone and charge $2500 for it.

(Please not this is the new 2023 edition of an older joke which used to be a bit sheeper)

A German Shepherd and a Sheep are out on a date...

German Shepherd: "What do you mean I'm too controlling?!"

Sheep: "You herd me."

What do you call a horse mixed with a sheep?

Your new neigh-baaa

My friend offered me some sheep stomach tacos...

I said "No, thanks. That sounds offal."

TIL New Zealand invented the first condom, using a sheep’s intestine

However, it was Australia who were the first to take it out of the sheep beforehand

A farmer has 895 sheep.

Realising that this is quite a lot of sheep for one farm, and Jess the sheepdog is getting a bit old, he decides he'll probably need a new dog- no, a whole team of dogs- to round so many sheep up.

So the next day, the farmer goes to the pet store. He looks around at the various herding do...

In 1802, the condom was invented in New Zealand...

...by using sheep's lower intestine.

Some years later, Australians refined the idea by removing the intestine from the sheep first.

What tool do you use to inseminate a sheep?

A laminator!

what is a sheep's favourite holiday

The Baaaahamas

Once upon a time, a lion announced...

Once upon a time, a lion announced he'll distribute free woolen coats if he is elected 'King of the jungle'.

One foolish sheep asked, "From where the wool will come?"

The lion just laughed and laughed and said, "My finance minister, the cheetah, will explain the source aft...

A man walks into his bedroom carrying a sheep. His wife looks horrified...

"See? See what I have to bang when you're not in the mood?"

The sheep says "Myyyyyyyy god. You weren't lying..."

What’s a sheep’s favourite holy text?

The Baa-ble.

A shepherd looks over at his flock of sheep in the pasture.

The day is ending soon, and he has to herd the sheep into their pen for the night. The shepherd calls for his trusty sheepdog and asks it to get the job done.

"Right away, sir," says the sheepdog.

10 minutes later, and the shepherd glances out his window to see the sheep safely in thei...

A Scotsman, an Australian and a Welshman are hanging out together on a farm...

The Scot notices a sheep that has become stuck in fence trying to squeeze in between the rails.

"I'll just be a minute, lads" says the Scot as he runs over and humps the helpless sheep.

After a good tussle, he rejoins his comrades as the Aussie pipes up:

"Well, I don't see why...

What do you call a flock of sheep tumbling down a hill?

A lambslide.

A group of bats is a colony, crows is a murder, sheep is a flock. What is a group of idiots called?

A Freedom Caucus.

“I love my job!” exclaimed the farmer. “All you do is boss me around all day!” complained one of his sheep. “What did you say?” challenged the farmer. The sheep glared back and growled...

“You herd me.”

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How does a Scottish Farmer have sex with a sheep?

On the edge of a cliff so it pushes back.

A blonde woman who recently died her hair brown stops by a sheep ranch...

She talks to the rancher and makes a deal with him. She tells him she'll guess exactly how many sheep he has in exchange to be able to take one home.

She guesses 692. Amazed, the rancher lets her select her prize. While she was putting her pick in her car the rancher says, "If I guess your re...

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The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock Cit...

Why was the sheep farmer confused when IT came to fix his computer?

He kept telling him he had bad RAM.

What are the only two words in the English language that have two U’s together?

Vacuum and Sheep.

What’s a sheep farmer’s pronouns?

She/ar

I used to be a Shepherd, but I have no idea how many sheep I had.

Kept falling asleep trying to count them.

I just sports car being driven by a sheep wearing a swimsuit.

I think it was a lamb bikini

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a welsh man was asked if he would have sex with a sheep for 1000$

the welsh man said "sure but under three conditions."

first, the sheep shouldn't have any diseases obviously

secondly, I don't want anyone i know to hear about this

and finally, give me a week to gather the 1000 dollars for you

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An academic from Oxford University is writing a paper on sheep shagging technique.

Having no personal experience on the subject, he decides to travel across the country and interview farmers from different regions to find out how they shag their sheep.

First, he visits a farmer in Scotland and asks him what his sheep shagging technique is.

“Well laddy, after grabbi...

A man, his sheep and his Vet girlfriend…

Farmer Sam is tending to his flock and notices one of his sheep is bumping into things in a clumsy manner.

He inspects the sheep and can’t find any reasonable explanation for the sudden lack of coordination.

Fortunately, Farmer Sam has recently started dating Veronica, who happens to...

Mary had a little sheep, and with that sheep, she did sleep.

The sheep turned out to be a ram. Mary had a little lamb.

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A teacher asked...

A teacher asked Johnny, "What does a chicken give us?"

Johnny replied, "eggs."

"Very good, Johnny. Jessica, what does a sheep give us?"

"Wool."

"Very good, Jessica. Robbie, what does a cow give us?"

"Homework."

Apparently Robbie has his own seat in the princ...

A sheep is working for the CIA

If you don't tell him what he wants to know, he'll bleat it out of you.

Woman asks her friend "How are your kids getting on now?"

"Fine!" Comes the reply. "My oldest boy grew up to be a doctor, the second grew up to be a teacher, and my daughter grew up to be a lawyer!"

"What about your youngest boy? How's he doing?”

"Ah. He grew up to be a thief. He lives at home with us still."

"So you let your three de...

Did you hear about the farmer who left her sheep out in the blizzard?

She had to take them to the Icy Ewe ward.

How do you milk a sheep?

Sell headphones for $549.

A retired boxer goes to see his doctor because he’s having trouble sleeping. “Have you tried counting sheep?” the doctor asks.

“I tried,” the boxer explains, “but every time I get to the number nine I stand up.”

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematicians have to build a fence around a flock of sheep, using as little material as possible.

The engineer forms the flock into a circular shape and constructs a fence around it.

The physicist builds a fence with an infinite diameter and pulls it together until it fits around the flock.

The mathematicians thinks for a while, then builds a fence around himself and defines hims...

If a sheep is in control of a country, it will be called

A dictatorsheep

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A Welshman is visiting New Zealand and finds a sheep farm

He sees some sheep in the field and hops the fence. As he walks up to one of the sheep, he sees the farmer walking up.

While slapping the butt of one of the sheep, he asks the farmer what the locals think of a little romance with the animals?

The farmer looks at him disgusted and says:...

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How do they practice safe sex in Wales?

They brand the sheep that kick.

Heating bills keep going up so I crossed a sheep with a kangaroo.

To make a wooly jumper.

A farmer asked his trusty sheepdog to go out and collect all the sheep and put them in the barn for the night.

Oh course the loyal pup went and did just as he was asked.

He came back and told the farmer that all 100 sheep were safe in the barn.

Confused, the farmer said "But I only have 97 sheep."

The pup says "I know, I rounded them up."

New Zealand scientists have discovered two new uses for sheep

Meat and wool.

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What do you call a Welshman who transports sheep?

A sex trafficker.

A New Zealand Farmer gets a knock on his door, it's a man in his mid-thirties who looks like he's been traveling a while.

The man asks if he could earn a meal and a place to stay for the night.

"Do you have any skills?" The farmer asks.

"Well, I do have a rare gift -- I can communicate with animals."

"...sure you can," the farmer says. "But I like your style. I'll put you to work."

So the ma...

What do you get when you cross human DNA with sheep DNA?

Kicked off the farm

What do you get when you put a vibrator in sheep skin rug?

A baa hum rug!

How do you properly milk a flock of sheep?

Tell them the election was stolen, then ask for money.

How do you milk a sheep?

By inventing the next "covid cure" that's not a vaccine.

I need a funny punchline...

My bf is going on a trip and I thought it'd be fun to give him a joke and tell the punchline when he gets home. Only thing is we were on a time crunch and I just said the first thing that came to mind which was:

What do you call a sheep with 3 legs?

I have absolutely no idea so if anyo...

Why did Russia assemble an army of female sheep and wading birds at the border?

They were preparing for a ewe-crane invasion.

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3 farmers were talking about how they have sex with their sheep. The first one said “I put it’s back legs down my wellies so it can’t run off”. The second said “I put its back legs down my wellies and it’s front legs over a wall, gives a different position”

The third says “I put its back legs down my wellies, with it facing me and put its front legs over my shoulders”
“Why do you do that” asked the others, “well, I don’t want to miss out on the kissing”

Edit - Wellies = Wellington Boots = Gum Boots = Rubber Boots

My New Year's resolution is to start my own sheep farm

I've already found the perfect location in Seattle and I already moved over there. Now I'm just waiting for the first animals to arrive, because for the moment I'm basically Sheepless in Seattle ...

How do you milk a sheep?

Put an apple logo on your product.

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I read in my local paper this morning about some guy who got caught having sex with a sheep.

I had to read it twice, couldn't believe they spelt my name wrong.

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A Farmer's Marriage

A farmer and his wife are having some issues with their marriage. One day, the farmer takes a little baby sheep inside his house and finds his wife.

"Just so you know, this is the pig I have sex with when you're not around," the farmer says.

"What are you, stupid?" his wife asks. "That...

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Went for a walk with my new girlfriend

and we saw dogs mating.

She said: "How does the male know when the female is ready for sex?"

I replied: "He can smell she is ready . That's how nature works."

We then walked past a sheep field and the ram was mating the ewe.

Again my girlfriend asked: "How does the ram kn...

I couldn't figure out why a male sheep is called a Ram...

Then it hit me.

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The sheep Farmer

A Welsh man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.
After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help.
The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.
The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but...

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A horse...

... sees a rock band perform and thinks "Hey, I could do that." The horse calls up his local music store and is like "I wanna learn guitar, just one problem, I'm a horse." The employee says "don't worry we can do that." The horse goes, learns guitar for a few months, gets really good, and is pretty ...

I was viciously attacked by a flock of sheep…

But there was nothing I could do to stop the bleating.

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(NSFW) Two rednecks, Junior and Billy, are walking through the forest and stumble upon a sheep with Its head stuck in the fence

Junior Looks at Billy and says, “Ima fuck that sheep!” So he runs up behind the sheep, pulls down his pants and starts fuckin it. After a few minutes he steps back, pulls up his pants and walks back to Billy. Junior looks at Billy and Says “I’m sorry, do you want a turn Billy?”

Billy looks a...

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Italian journalist takes a trip to Gennargentu's mountain

An italian journalist flies over to Sardinia to make a documentary on the Gennargentu mountain. He gets to a little town and finds an old man sitting by his house. The two of them talk a little, our journalist finds out the old man was a sardinian sheperd when he was younger so both of them agree on...

Proper English

An Englishman is out walking in the Highlands and gets thirsty, so he stops at a river to get some water. He's about to bring the water up to his mouth with his hand when he gets interrupted by a shepherd nearby.

"Dinnae drink oot the river, it's foo o' sheep pish!"

The Englishman look...

What sound do Yoda’s sheep make?

Dey go baa!

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Funny.

A labourer applies for a job on a farm.

The farmer asked him if he had experience and what he was particularly good at.

The labourer gave him his CV and said that he could actually communicate with animals.

The farmer wanted to test him and took him to the chicken shed.

O...

An Aussie walks up to a New Zealander

and asks: is that your dog?

Kiwi: "Yep."

Aussie: "Mind if I speak to him?"

Kiwi: "Dog don’t talk bro."

Aussie: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doin' all right."

Aussie: "How's he treating you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great...

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How Many Dogs Does it Take to Change a Lightbulb?

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!...

"Honey, let's just a couple of sheep so we don't have to mow the lawn." -- "Oh, but what would we do with the wool?" -- "Well, we could-"

shear it

wash it

dry it

pick it

card it

bag it

store it

sell it

process it

clean it

buy it

keep it

pack it

send it

mail

insulate it

mulch it

fertilise it

toss it

compo...

What's the difference between Mick Jagger and an Irish sheep herder?

Mick Jagger says "Hey you get off of my cloud" and the Irish sheepherder says "Hey McCloud get off of my ewe"

Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?

Because a sheep can hear a zipper from 100 meters away.

What do grumpy sheep say during the holidays?

Baa, Baa, humbug.

Why do sheep not get covid?

They have herd immunity.

The Greek learned you could avoid pregnancies by using sheep intestines.

The English later learned it also works if you remove it from the sheep first.

I was suddenly surrounded by a flock of sheep!

It was... a lambush!!!

How do sheep feel about goats?

Meh.

A physicist, engineer, and mathematician are asked by a local farmer to build the smallest fence they possibly can to hold in all of his sheep.

The physicist builds a big fence and slowly reduces the size until he can't reduce the fence any longer.

The engineer measures each sheep, stacks them in a specific way, and then builds a fence around them.

The mathematician builds a small fence around himself, then defines himself to ...

What's a sheep without legs?

A cloud.

This guy shows up at a farm and says he knows how to make animals speak

The farmer says, "That's ridiculous."

So the guy walks up to the farmer's cow and says "Moo moo moo."

The cow replies in English, "Oh, thank you for asking. He generally treats me very well. He milks me promptly at 5:30am every morning. If I had one suggestion, I wish he'd change the w...

What do Star sheep sound like?

Degoba

What is it called when a jewish sheep turns 13?

A baa mitzvah.

A woman is reading a book in bed when her husband enters with a sheep under his arm

The husband holds the sheep up to the woman and exclaims: "This is the pig I'm cheating on you with."

The woman, confused by the notion, replies: "But... that's a sheep."

To which the husband shakes his head and says: "I wasn't talking to you."

A hiker in the mountains, meets a shepherd with a flock of sheep.

He ask him:

\+ Do sheep give a lot of wool?

\- Which? the white or the black ones?

The surprised hiker tells him:

\+ Well, the white ones.

\- About seven kilos of wool per season.

\+ And the black ones?

\- Seven kilos as well.

\+ And do...

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Sheep shagging

An old Oxford professor is nearing retirement and decides that he wants to do something fun for once. He's spent his whole life researching scientific theories in his lab and wants to do something outside for a change, so he asks his assistant for a suggestion of something different to go and resear...

A Republican walks up to a Democratic with a face mask and say, “do you know what I say to sheep like you?...

Whatever the Republican Party tells me too say.”

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