Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Each and every morning of those 15 years, Bob has woken up, farted loudly and proudly, rolled over onto his back and got out of bed to go to work...

And each and every morning for those 15 years, Martha has said to him disgustedly, "One of these days, you're gonna fart your guts out!"

But this has had no effect on Bob as he has continued merrily with his routine each morning.

Martha is totally fed up with this and then one Thanksgi...

I decided to stop smoking cold turkey...

...and put it on my sandwiches instead.

So, John received a parrot, as a gift.

Now this parrot was the rudest, noisiest, most foul mouthed parrot you can imagine. Every other word out of this parrot's beak was profanity, and strings of filthy insults - absolutely appalling behaviour!

Well, over the course of the next week, John tried speaking to it softy and calmly, pl...

I shot my first Thanksgiving turkey this year.

Scared the hell out of everyone else in the grocery store.

I went turkey hunting recently with my new shotgun...

scared the hell out of everyone in the frozen foods section.

Why did the turkey NOT cross the road?

To prove that he wasn't chicken.

What sound does an injured turkey make?

Hobblehobblehobblehobble

While picking up a turkey for this Thanksgiving, I overheard this gem.

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they’re dead."

Why don’t turkeys eat on thanksgiving?

Because they’re stuffed!

Whats the difference between a chicken and a turkey

a chicken is a common farm animal

and a turkey commits genocide against armenians.

I hit a Turkey..

and it flew over my car and landed on the car behind me. It was a Cop and he pulled me over and gave me a ticket for flipping him the bird.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

This literally the first joke with curse words that I remember knowing.

The boy who didn’t know curse words

There was a boy who didn’t know curse words and it was thanksgiving day. He comes out of his room and sits down with his sister. She is watching a reality show, the actress on the show calls out the actor “you dick” the little boy never hearing that word b...

Why did she spit out the turkey soup?

She said it had a fowl taste.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why did the turkey cross the road?

He didn't. He's an asshole and just stood in front of my car for 5 mins.

What do you call a group of turkeys?

A turkey club.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I had sex with a turkey. I know what you’re all thinking...

That’s fowl

What do you call it when a family passes down a turkey recipe?

Copy and basting

Irish animal rights activists have broken into a turkey farm.

They say they are going to release thousands of turkeys into the wild...

as soon as they’ve defrosted

If Russia attacked Turkey?

If Russia attacked Turkey from the Rear...
.... would Greece help?

Just seen a sign "Turkey £29" in the butcher's window...

...That's £300 cheaper than Thomas Cook.

Why do we only eat Turkey for thanksgiving?

Because the Armenians are all dead



PS: I am going to hell for this

I tried to deep fry my turkey this year but it went horribly wrong

Boom. Roasted.

The turkey says, "gobble, gobble."

I appreciate it when food comes with instructions.

When is a turkey scary?

When it's a goblin.

The day after Thanksgiving someone wished me Happy Turkey Recovery Day

Sorry to burst your bubble, but those turkeys aren't recovering from yesterday.

What did the turkey say to the turkey hunter?

Quack, quack.

Saudi Arabia heard that Trump was going to pardon a turkey

But they'd still like to have a word with it at their embassy.

Why does Trump have the most expensive Thanksgiving day?

Because he’ll impose tariff on Turkey

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

AITA For getting my daughter a turkey sandwich from subway instead of ham?

She asked for ham but she usually picks off the ham, so I thought I would get her turkey so she can try something new. Just wondering, if I am the asshole I understand.

Turkey has just banned cheese...

It seems they have issues with the curds.

Why did the turkey cross the road?

He wanted people to think he was a chicken.

Terrible joke, I know. Happy Thanksgiving!

I heard Donald Trump pardoned two turkeys this year...

Eric and Don Jr

A soccer mom walked into a tattoo parlor and asked for a Christmas tree on her left thigh and a turkey on the right thigh.

When they were done the artist asked why she wanted these tattoos.


She replied, "My husband always complains that there's nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If the Indians gave the pilgrams a donkey instead of a turkey

We'd be having a nice piece of ass right now...

Reporter: Mr. President, will you be pardoning Turkey today?

President: Is Saudi okay?

From a conversation at the the Thanksgiving table about the turkeys Trump pardoned

Why did John Lennon hate carrots?

Because he wanted to give peas a chance.

A woman called the turkey hotline to ask how long to cook her 12lb turkey...

A woman called the turkey hotline to ask how long to cook her 12lb turkey in the microwave.

The hotline worker responded, “Uhhh... one minute...”

She said, “Thanks!” And immediately hung up.

I recently decided to stop smashing pumpkins cold turkey.

It was difficult at first, but it got easier once I decided to use the pumpkin patch.

When Christmas was coming up, my kids asked for a puppy. When I got them one, they cried for days...

I'll just get a turkey next year like normal.

What’s the hardest food to stop eating?

Cold turkey

In Turkey, a prisoner goes to the prison library and asks for a book.

The librarian answers “Unfortunately, we do not have the book here. But the author.”

Matthew McConaughey, what kind of meat do you want off the turkey?

All white, all white, all white!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Lesson 5 of 6: The Flying Turkey

A turkey was chatting with a bull “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, but I haven’t got the energy.” “Well, why don’t you nibble on my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.” The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave hi...

Punchline not included.

Timmy : I'm Hungary.

Mum : Why don't you Czech the fridge.

Timmy : Ok, I'm Russian to the kitchen.

Mum : Hmm...maybe you'll find some Turkey.

Timmy : Yeah, but its all covered in Greece. Yuck !

Mum : There is Norway you can eat that.

Timmy : I know, I gu...

A smoker quit cold turkey

It wasn't hard, no one likes cold turkey anyway.

My wife's inappropriate Christmas dinner joke

Last night My wife and I were having Christmas dinner with her parents, grandparents, aunts/uncles, and a German neighbor who is a widow. We were talking about messing up while cooking meals and I mentioned the first time I cooked a turkey I cooked it upside down. The neighbor was incredulous that...

I was addicted to lunch meats, but I quit cold turkey.

I'm still hooked on salami and roast beef though.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A farmer goes out and buys a new, young rooster. As soon as he brings him home, the young rooster rushes and screws all 150 of the farmers hens. The farmer is impressed.

At lunchtime, the young rooster again screws all 150 hens. The farmer is not just impressed anymore,he is worried. Next morning,not only is the rooster screwing the hens but he is screwing the turkeys,ducks even the cow. Later farmer looks out into the barnyard and finds the rooster stretched out, l...

How many chefs does it take to stuff a turkey?

One, but you really have to cram him in there.

Why will Donald Trump pardon his first turkey this year?

Because the bird is accused of fowl play

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Six Lessons of Life

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

The doctor said I should stop eating meat immediately for health reasons...

I asked if I had to quit cold turkey.

Donald Trump dies and goes to hell

In 50 years, he comes to the devil and says: "I know I'm going to spend an eternity here. I would like to ask you for a favor. I miss my country, I miss the United States. Can I go back to Washington DC for 15 minutes? I will go to the nearest bar, drink some beer and have a little chat with the bar...

I finally got a microwave to heat up my leftovers

So I was able to quit cold turkey

I regret joining a band with a turkey on drums.

He usually forgets his drumsticks so he has to wing it.

What do Americans and Putin have in common?

They'll both be nuking Turkey after Thanksgiving.

Why don't you take a turkey to church?

Because they have fowl language

I really like European food...

...so I decided to Russia over to a European restaurant because I was Hungary. After Czech'ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter 'Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite'.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Curious child

There was family reunion one day and the mom and dad were preparing for it.

The kid went to the kitchen where his mom was cutting the turkey.

She accidentally cuts her finger and screamed "Fuck!"

Kid: what does "fuck" mean?

Mom: o-oh it means "cut" hah ha...

so ...

A turkey and his friend are walking down a street...

When a ghost pops out and screams "Boo!". The friend screams in terror while the turkey has no reaction. A while later, the friend asked why the Turkey wasn't afraid. He responded "I'm not chicken".

What do turkeys make their streets out of?

Gobble-stones!

What are the Russians eating for thanksgiving?

Beef with turkey

Turkey Hunters (just in time for Thanksgiving)

Turkey Hunting

An 80-year-old man went to the doctor, who was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"

The old timer said, "I'm a turkey hunter and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up before daylight and out chasing...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a bird that’s half rooster and half turkey?

Cock Gobbler

What do turkeys like to walk on?

Cobble cobble cobble

(long) Three men die together and end up in front of the gates of Heaven...

St. Peter states to the three men "It is not widely known but in order to get into Heaven, you need to answer a simple question about religion." so, he turns to the first man and asks, "what is Easter?"

The man pauses and says, "Is that the holiday where we gather around the table with our fa...

What's the difference between a turkey and Def Leppard?

A turkey has two drumsticks

What key won’t let you through any doors?

A turkey.

A man buys a talking parrot from the local pet shop.

He takes the parrot home and tries to teach the parrot to say a few things. Instead of repeating him, the parrot just swears at the man. After a few aggravating hours of the same responses from the parrot, the man threatens the bird with a severe punishment.

​

“If you don’t ...

The Turkey, the Parrot and the In-laws

Martha had a parrot called Brutus, the only problem was that Brutus had a terrible issue with cursing. 

Now Martha was having her in-laws over for Thanksgiving, and so she needed to train Brutus quickly not to swear.

Just before her Mother-in-law was due Brutus cursed terribly, so Mar...

This year, I tried to smoke a turkey.

But I rolled it too tight and couldn't get the end lit.

Do you fart in bed ?

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she ...

Why didn’t the turkey eat dessert?

Because it was already stuffed, guys!

I like to keep my Thanksgiving dinner simple: turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, and veggies

Everything else is just gravy

What did turkey do on thanksgiving?

Changed its foreign policy on syria.

I was Hungary...

so Iran to Turkey

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Mother and Father get into a heated argument in front of their child on Christmas Day.

***PART 1***

The Mother calls the father "a Bastard".

The Father retaliates by calling the mother "a Bitch".

The child asks his mother "What's a Bastard" and the mother replies "it's just another word for Father".

The child then asks his father "What's a Bitch" and the fa...

I just shot my first turkey today!

I don't think they are going to let me back into that store again.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Once there was a boy named Billy, whose parents were very kind and overprotective.

One night Billy heard them arguing. They called each other bitches and bastards. That morning Billy asked what those words meant and his parents replied, "Oh, uh, boys and girls!"

In the afternoon Billy went into the bathroom. His dad was shaving and cried "SHIT!" as he accidentally cut himse...

Shoutout to all the people that got rid of their addictions to cold turkey

I just think not enough people talk about this epidemy that affects thousands of Americans

What is Easter?

Three men all die in an accident and met Saint Peter in front of the pearly gates.

"Welcome to heaven gentlemen. I would love to let you in but before I can do that I need to prove that you're devout Christians. If you can tell me what Easter is I can let you through."

The first man st...