Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Each and every morning of those 15 years, Bob has woken up, farted loudly and proudly, rolled over onto his back and got out of bed to go to work...

And each and every morning for those 15 years, Martha has said to him disgustedly, "One of these days, you're gonna fart your guts out!"

But this has had no effect on Bob as he has continued merrily with his routine each morning.

Martha is totally fed up with this and then one Thanksgi...

I went turkey hunting recently with my new shotgun...

scared the hell out of everyone in the frozen foods section.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

This literally the first joke with curse words that I remember knowing.

The boy who didn’t know curse words

There was a boy who didn’t know curse words and it was thanksgiving day. He comes out of his room and sits down with his sister. She is watching a reality show, the actress on the show calls out the actor “you dick” the little boy never hearing that word b...

I shot my first Thanksgiving turkey this year.

Scared the hell out of everyone else in the grocery store.

So, John received a parrot, as a gift.

Now this parrot was the rudest, noisiest, most foul mouthed parrot you can imagine. Every other word out of this parrot's beak was profanity, and strings of filthy insults - absolutely appalling behaviour!

Well, over the course of the next week, John tried speaking to it softy and calmly, pl...

I hit a Turkey..

and it flew over my car and landed on the car behind me. It was a Cop and he pulled me over and gave me a ticket for flipping him the bird.

A lady was looking for a turkey but couldn't find one big enough.

She asked the stock boy "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied "No they're dead."

Why don’t turkeys eat on thanksgiving?

Because they’re stuffed!

How do you bury a dead turkey?

You put GRAVey on it

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why did the turkey cross the road?

He didn't. He's an asshole and just stood in front of my car for 5 mins.

What do you call a group of turkeys?

A turkey club.

Whats the difference between a chicken and a turkey

a chicken is a common farm animal

and a turkey commits genocide against armenians.

Why do we only eat Turkey for thanksgiving?

Because the Armenians are all dead



PS: I am going to hell for this

What do you call it when a family passes down a turkey recipe?

Copy and basting

Irish animal rights activists have broken into a turkey farm.

They say they are going to release thousands of turkeys into the wild...

as soon as they’ve defrosted

I tried to deep fry my turkey this year but it went horribly wrong

Boom. Roasted.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If the Pilgrims had hunted a wildcat instead of a turkey

We'd all be having pussy for thanksgiving instead!

Just seen a sign "Turkey £29" in the butcher's window...

...That's £300 cheaper than Thomas Cook.

The turkey says, "gobble, gobble."

I appreciate it when food comes with instructions.

If Russia attacked Turkey?

If Russia attacked Turkey from the Rear...
.... would Greece help?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I had sex with a turkey. I know what you’re all thinking...

That’s fowl

The day after Thanksgiving someone wished me Happy Turkey Recovery Day

Sorry to burst your bubble, but those turkeys aren't recovering from yesterday.

What did the turkey say to the turkey hunter?

Quack, quack.

Saudi Arabia heard that Trump was going to pardon a turkey

But they'd still like to have a word with it at their embassy.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Is it turkey day yet?

You butterball-ieve it is!

A woman called the turkey hotline to ask how long to cook her 12lb turkey...

A woman called the turkey hotline to ask how long to cook her 12lb turkey in the microwave.

The hotline worker responded, “Uhhh... one minute...”

She said, “Thanks!” And immediately hung up.

I heard Donald Trump pardoned two turkeys this year...

Eric and Don Jr

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If the Indians gave the pilgrams a donkey instead of a turkey

We'd be having a nice piece of ass right now...

When is a turkey scary?

When it's a goblin.

At my local super market it says "turkey is 30 dollars"

Thats 300 dollars cheaper than what my airline company is charging

Reporter: Mr. President, will you be pardoning Turkey today?

President: Is Saudi okay?

Donald Trump has made another controversial pardon with this year’s turkey

Personally, I’m just glad he finally gave Peas a chance.

Turkey has just banned cheese...

It seems they have issues with the curds.

Why does Trump have the most expensive Thanksgiving day?

Because he’ll impose tariff on Turkey

I recently decided to stop smashing pumpkins cold turkey.

It was difficult at first, but it got easier once I decided to use the pumpkin patch.

A soccer mom walked into a tattoo parlor and asked for a Christmas tree on her left thigh and a turkey on the right thigh.

When they were done the artist asked why she wanted these tattoos.


She replied, "My husband always complains that there's nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."

Why did the turkey cross the road?

He wanted people to think he was a chicken.

Terrible joke, I know. Happy Thanksgiving!

In Turkey, a prisoner goes to the prison library and asks for a book.

The librarian answers “Unfortunately, we do not have the book here. But the author.”

Matthew McConaughey, what kind of meat do you want off the turkey?

All white, all white, all white!

What sound does a Turkey make?

"coup coup"

What’s the hardest food to stop eating?

Cold turkey

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Six Lessons of Life

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

When Christmas was coming up, my kids asked for a puppy. When I got them one, they cried for days...

I'll just get a turkey next year like normal.

A smoker quit cold turkey

It wasn't hard, no one likes cold turkey anyway.

Punchline not included.

Timmy : I'm Hungary.

Mum : Why don't you Czech the fridge.

Timmy : Ok, I'm Russian to the kitchen.

Mum : Hmm...maybe you'll find some Turkey.

Timmy : Yeah, but its all covered in Greece. Yuck !

Mum : There is Norway you can eat that.

Timmy : I know, I gu...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Lesson 5 of 6: The Flying Turkey

A turkey was chatting with a bull “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, but I haven’t got the energy.” “Well, why don’t you nibble on my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.” The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave hi...

I was addicted to lunch meats, but I quit cold turkey.

I'm still hooked on salami and roast beef though.

How many chefs does it take to stuff a turkey?

One, but you really have to cram him in there.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man once bought himself a parrot, but immediately found it to be quite rude

A man once bought himself a parrot, but immediately found it to be quite rude. It would shout profanities at him, crap all over the house, and insult all his houseguests.

At first, he tried ignoring it, thinking the bird would stop. "You're fuckin stupid, mate," the parrot would say, "the si...

Why will Donald Trump pardon his first turkey this year?

Because the bird is accused of fowl play

What do turkeys make their streets out of?

Gobble-stones!

I finally got a microwave to heat up my leftovers

So I was able to quit cold turkey

My wife's inappropriate Christmas dinner joke

Last night My wife and I were having Christmas dinner with her parents, grandparents, aunts/uncles, and a German neighbor who is a widow. We were talking about messing up while cooking meals and I mentioned the first time I cooked a turkey I cooked it upside down. The neighbor was incredulous that...

The doctor said I should stop eating meat immediately for health reasons...

I asked if I had to quit cold turkey.

Why don't you take a turkey to church?

Because they have fowl language

What do Americans and Putin have in common?

They'll both be nuking Turkey after Thanksgiving.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a bird that’s half rooster and half turkey?

Cock Gobbler

A turkey and his friend are walking down a street...

When a ghost pops out and screams "Boo!". The friend screams in terror while the turkey has no reaction. A while later, the friend asked why the Turkey wasn't afraid. He responded "I'm not chicken".

I really like European food...

...so I decided to Russia over to a European restaurant because I was Hungary. After Czech'ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter 'Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite'.

Turkey Hunters (just in time for Thanksgiving)

Turkey Hunting

An 80-year-old man went to the doctor, who was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"

The old timer said, "I'm a turkey hunter and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up before daylight and out chasing...

I regret joining a band with a turkey on drums.

He usually forgets his drumsticks so he has to wing it.

What do turkeys like to walk on?

Cobble cobble cobble

Where does the best turkey leg meat come from?

Thailand

(hint: þ)

What's the difference between a turkey and Def Leppard?

A turkey has two drumsticks

What are the Russians eating for thanksgiving?

Beef with turkey

This year, I tried to smoke a turkey.

But I rolled it too tight and couldn't get the end lit.

What key won’t let you through any doors?

A turkey.

Why didn’t the turkey eat dessert?

Because it was already stuffed, guys!

I like to keep my Thanksgiving dinner simple: turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, and veggies

Everything else is just gravy

Shoutout to all the people that got rid of their addictions to cold turkey

I just think not enough people talk about this epidemy that affects thousands of Americans

What did turkey do on thanksgiving?

Changed its foreign policy on syria.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A little boy wakes up in the morning and overhears his parents arguing downstairs.

“... those bitches and bastards will be coming...” is all he hears. When his parents are done arguing, he comes out of his room and asks his mom what that means. She says to him, “Oh, it just means men and women, sweetie.”

Later, the boy hears them arguing again, picking out the phrase “penis...

Do you fart in bed ?

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she ...

The Turkey, the Parrot and the In-laws

Martha had a parrot called Brutus, the only problem was that Brutus had a terrible issue with cursing. 

Now Martha was having her in-laws over for Thanksgiving, and so she needed to train Brutus quickly not to swear.

Just before her Mother-in-law was due Brutus cursed terribly, so Mar...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A kid walks into the bathroom with his dad shaving...

A kid walks into the bathroom with his dad shaving. Dad cuts himself:
Dad: "*Shit!"*
Son: "*What does that mean?"*
Dad: "*It's just shaving."*


He soon walks into the kitchen with his mum stuffing a turkey. She gets her hand stuck:


Mum: "*Fuck!"*
Son: "*W...

I was Hungary...

so Iran to Turkey

Ready for Thanksgiving, steps for a great Turkey!!!

Step 1. Buy a turkey
Step 2. Have a glass of wine
Step 3. Stuff the turkey
Step 4. Have a glass of wine
Step 5. Put turkey in oven
Step 6. Relax and have a glass of wine
Step 7. Turk the bastey
Step 8. Wine of glass another get
Step 9. Hunt for meat thermometer
Step 10. Gl...

I just shot my first turkey today!

I don't think they are going to let me back into that store again.

Turkey has the moon on its flag

Meanwhile the United States has its flag on the moon.

My daughter wants a pony for Christmas

I think a traditional turkey would taste better but it's her choice.

I accidentally ordered a ham and cheddar instead of a turkey and swiss...

Whoops, wrong sub