What’s the difference between a turkey and Turkey?

A turkey wouldn’t commit genocide against innocent people

My wife threw a pack of turkey and a lighter in the cart and my God the temptation was strong...

It was just last week that I quit smoking cold turkey

A woman walks into a tattoo parlor and asks for a tattoo of turkey on her right inner thigh

After that she asks for a Christmas tree on her left. The tattoo artist asks her what the point is so she replies

"My husband complains there's nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."

Why did the police arrest the turkey?

They suspected fowl play.

Why did they ask the turkey to join the band?

Because He had the drum sticks.

What does Trump have in common with the Thanksgiving turkey?

Both will need a pardon by Thanksgiving

An ode to the Canadian Thanksgiving: How do you keep a turkey in suspense?

I will tell you tomorrow.

Coming to theaters: the thrilling tale of a man who ate biographical books instead of turkey on Thanksgiving.

Baste on a true story.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

WW1 as a bar fight...

Serbia is walking across the bar with a beer in his hand. He bumps into Austria, and spills some beer on his pant leg. Austria is furious, and demands Serbia pay for an entire suit. Serbia can't afford this, so he offers to pay for the dry cleaning.

They argue, Russia tells Austria to back o...

My kids tell me that they want a cat for Chrismas this year.

We normally cook a turkey for Christmas, but if they want a cat, okay.

I have tried to quit cold turkey; but...

It is just so tasty!

The country of Turkey is a lot like Little Miss Moffett...

They both have Kurds in their way.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A turkey was chatting with a bull "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next say, after eating more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally, ...

Every morning when this woman's husband wakes up he let's a loud and horribly smelling fart.

She tells him over and over "some day you're going to fart your guts out!"
Her husband just laughs and brushes it off.

This goes on for months until Thanksgiving comes around and she is preparing the turkey. The woman gets this idea. Her husband is still sleeping so she grabs the turkey gu...

I sat down to eat my turkey sandwich and my wife yells, "Enjoying your meat, you murderer?"

I only wish one day goes by without her mentioning the time I killed her mother

Our son want a puppy for Christmas

We usually have turkey, but if that can make him happy...

Why don't they like cheese in Turkey?

Because they despise letting the Kurds have their way.

My girlfriend said I need to stop eating frozen poultry for every meal or she was leaving me.

I said, "I'll try but I don't think I can quit cold turkey."

My Family asked me to stop telling Thanksgiving jokes.

I told them I couldn't stop cold turkey!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A drunk guy walks into a bar...

and says, "I'll have a shot of Wild Turkey, please." The bartender says, "I'm not going to serve you, because I think you're intoxicated." The guy says, "I just want one, man. And then I'm going straight home." So the bartender says, "All right, you can have one" and gives the guy his shot.

...

What do you get when you cross a turkey with a centipede?

Drumsticks for everyone!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The boy's dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled "Ass!" And the boy heard...

(This might be a repost, but my friend told me it and I thought it was funny.)

The boy's dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled "Ass!" And the boy heard...

"Daddy, what does ass mean?"

"It means... beard."

Downstairs, the b...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the san...

Why was the UN concerned when the waiter dropped Thanksgiving dinner?

Because it meant the fall of turkey, the ruin of grease, and the breakup of china.

I shot my first Thanksgiving turkey this year.

Scared the hell out of everyone else in the grocery store.

I went turkey hunting recently with my new shotgun...

scared the hell out of everyone in the frozen foods section.

As of 2019, Trump is the best Thanksgiving president.

He let the biggest Turkey off scot free.

A month earlier.

What do you call a man who lives in Turkey who was not born there.

Turkish

what do you call it when butcher suddenly quits his job?

going cold turkey

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Five Minute Management Lesson

Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob ...

Why did the turkey NOT cross the road?

To prove that he wasn't chicken.

What do Thanksgiving and the Kurds have in common?

..



America loves them and Turkey would prefer they didn't exist.

Hi everyone, if you know someone who has animals to give up for adoption, tell them to contact me before Christmas.

I'm interested in:
Turkeys, chickens, snappers, bream, lobsters, prawns and lobsters.
Thanks

Trump must have never eaten a thanksgiving poutine...

Anyone who has could tell you curds and turkey don’t get along.

I recently heard that you can get salmonella from eating raw meats

Guess I gotta quit cold turkey

Why did she spit out the turkey soup?

She said it had a fowl taste.

Whats the difference between a chicken and a turkey

a chicken is a common farm animal

and a turkey commits genocide against armenians.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the turkey cross the road?

He didn't. He's an asshole and just stood in front of my car for 5 mins.

Why don’t turkeys eat on thanksgiving?

Because they’re stuffed!

Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Each and every morning of those 15 years, Bob has woken up, farted loudly and proudly, rolled over onto his back and got out of bed to go to work...

And each and every morning for those 15 years, Martha has said to him disgustedly, "One of these days, you're gonna fart your guts out!"

But this has had no effect on Bob as he has continued merrily with his routine each morning.

Martha is totally fed up with this and then one Thanksgi...

We should start a middle eastern war over Thanksgiving.

That way we can slaughter a Turkey twice.

I hit a Turkey..

and it flew over my car and landed on the car behind me. It was a Cop and he pulled me over and gave me a ticket for flipping him the bird.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

AITA For getting my daughter a turkey sandwich from subway instead of ham?

She asked for ham but she usually picks off the ham, so I thought I would get her turkey so she can try something new. Just wondering, if I am the asshole I understand.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young lady walks into a pet store to buy a parrot

The guy behind the counter says that he only has one and that it's a real smart-ass, with a vulgar vocabulary and a rude temperament.

The woman says that's OK I know how to handle assholes like that, I want the parrot anyway.

So the woman gets the bird home, puts it in her room, and st...

If Russia attacked Turkey?

If Russia attacked Turkey from the Rear...
.... would Greece help?

What do you call it when a family passes down a turkey recipe?

Copy and basting

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had sex with a turkey. I know what you’re all thinking...

That’s fowl

When is a turkey scary?

When it's a goblin.

Why do we only eat Turkey for thanksgiving?

Because the Armenians are all dead



PS: I am going to hell for this

I tried to deep fry my turkey this year but it went horribly wrong

Boom. Roasted.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A family is getting ready for Thanksgiving dinner.

Little Timmy sees his dad shaving. While shaving his dad cuts himself and says "shit"

Little Timmy "Dad what's shit mean"

Dad "It's just another word for shaving"

Little Timmy heads upstairs and sees his Brother and Sister fighting. His Brother calls his sister a Bitch and his S...

Just seen a sign "Turkey £29" in the butcher's window...

...That's £300 cheaper than Thomas Cook.

Irish animal rights activists have broken into a turkey farm.

They say they are going to release thousands of turkeys into the wild...

as soon as they’ve defrosted

Do you know what the hardest part of becoming a vegetarian is?

To quit cold turkey.

The day after Thanksgiving someone wished me Happy Turkey Recovery Day

Sorry to burst your bubble, but those turkeys aren't recovering from yesterday.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Harold and Ethel had been happily married for years, except for one quirk

Every morning when Harold woke up, he would announce his consciousness to Ethel in the form of a great trumpeting fart, the kind that make the covers billow. This annoyed Ethel, and she'd taken to telling him, "Dammit Harold, one of these days you are going to shit your guts out." Harold would alw...

What did the turkey say to the turkey hunter?

Quack, quack.

Trump's 4th of July 'Salute to America' has bankrupted Washington D.C's Emergency Planning and Security Fund, which is used to provide police and security support at Presidential events.

This throws uncertainty on whether or not the President will be able to hold the annual Turkey Pardoning Ceremony this November, which is expected to feature a Presidential Pardon for Trump's close personal friend Jeffrey Epstein.

Turkey has just banned cheese...

It seems they have issues with the curds.

The turkey says, "gobble, gobble."

I appreciate it when food comes with instructions.

In Turkey, a prisoner goes to the prison library and asks for a book.

The librarian answers “Unfortunately, we do not have the book here. But the author.”

Saudi Arabia heard that Trump was going to pardon a turkey

But they'd still like to have a word with it at their embassy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer goes out and buys a new, young rooster. As soon as he brings him home, the young rooster rushes and screws all 150 of the farmers hens. The farmer is impressed.

At lunchtime, the young rooster again screws all 150 hens. The farmer is not just impressed anymore,he is worried. Next morning,not only is the rooster screwing the hens but he is screwing the turkeys,ducks even the cow. Later farmer looks out into the barnyard and finds the rooster stretched out, l...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Is it turkey day yet?

You butterball-ieve it is!

Reporter: Mr. President, will you be pardoning Turkey today?

President: Is Saudi okay?

I heard Donald Trump pardoned two turkeys this year...

Eric and Don Jr

Why did the turkey cross the road?

He wanted people to think he was a chicken.

Terrible joke, I know. Happy Thanksgiving!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If the Indians gave the pilgrams a donkey instead of a turkey

We'd be having a nice piece of ass right now...

Donald Trump dies and goes to hell

In 50 years, he comes to the devil and says: "I know I'm going to spend an eternity here. I would like to ask you for a favor. I miss my country, I miss the United States. Can I go back to Washington DC for 15 minutes? I will go to the nearest bar, drink some beer and have a little chat with the bar...

I regret joining a band with a turkey on drums.

He usually forgets his drumsticks so he has to wing it.

What country has the most birds?

Turkey

I decided to change my diet; I’m starting to eat hot poultry sandwiches.

I’m quitting cold turkey.

Matthew McConaughey, what kind of meat do you want off the turkey?

All white, all white, all white!

I was addicted to lunch meats, but I quit cold turkey.

I'm still hooked on salami and roast beef though.

Turkey Hunters (just in time for Thanksgiving)

Turkey Hunting

An 80-year-old man went to the doctor, who was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"

The old timer said, "I'm a turkey hunter and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up before daylight and out chasing...

What do turkeys make their streets out of?

Gobble-stones!

A butcher answers a phone call.

The caller asks:

- Do you have chicken legs?

- Yes.

- Do you have a pig head?

- Yes.

- Do you have cow ears?

- Yes.

- Do you have turkey wings?

- Yes.

The caller finally says:

- Damn, dude, you must look really crazy!

A woman called the turkey hotline to ask how long to cook her 12lb turkey...

A woman called the turkey hotline to ask how long to cook her 12lb turkey in the microwave.

The hotline worker responded, “Uhhh... one minute...”

She said, “Thanks!” And immediately hung up.

Why don't you take a turkey to church?

Because they have fowl language

A non sequitur walks into a bar

In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.

What's the difference between a turkey and Def Leppard?

A turkey has two drumsticks

No dog meat please

Daddy, daddy, can we have a dog for Christmas? No, I think we'll have turkey as usual.

How many chefs does it take to stuff a turkey?

One, but you really have to cram him in there.

A man buys a talking parrot from the local pet shop.

He takes the parrot home and tries to teach the parrot to say a few things. Instead of repeating him, the parrot just swears at the man. After a few aggravating hours of the same responses from the parrot, the man threatens the bird with a severe punishment.



“If you don’t stop swearin...

A Blonde, a Brunnete, and a Redhead work at a construction company.

They have all worked with each other for years, and would always eat together for their lunch break.

They would always have the same sandwiches packed for their lunch. They were sick and tired of eating the same thing every day.

The Brunette said, "If I have another turkey sandwich p...

(long) Three men die together and end up in front of the gates of Heaven...

St. Peter states to the three men "It is not widely known but in order to get into Heaven, you need to answer a simple question about religion." so, he turns to the first man and asks, "what is Easter?"

The man pauses and says, "Is that the holiday where we gather around the table with our fa...

Why will Donald Trump pardon his first turkey this year?

Because the bird is accused of fowl play

So, John received a parrot, as a gift.

Now this parrot was the rudest, noisiest, most foul mouthed parrot you can imagine. Every other word out of this parrot's beak was profanity, and strings of filthy insults - absolutely appalling behaviour!

Well, over the course of the next week, John tried speaking to it softy and calmly, pl...

The Parrot

A young man named Steve received a parrot as a gift. The parrot really had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with
profanity.

Steve tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite w...

There’s a strange new trend in my office.

People are naming food in the office refrigerator.

Today I had a turkey sandwich called Betty!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 thieves rob a bank

They run and try to hide in a farm

The cops follow them into the farm so they hide inside boxes

One cop comes and while searching sees these boxes so he kicks the first one
“Baack buck b-buck”
“chickens” he says
He kicks the second one “glogloglo “
“Hmm ,a turkey” ...

What do turkeys like to walk on?

Cobble cobble cobble

My daughter wants a pony for Christmas

I think a traditional turkey would taste better but it's her choice.

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