A 90 year old just told this: What happens when you drop the turkey out of the oven?

It's the downfall of Turkey and the overflow of grease.

Why did the turkey cross the road twice?

To prove he wasn't a chicken

Where can you find radioactive turkeys?

Chergobble

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Seven Lessons of Life

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

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So i saw some people translating jokes so here is a Turkish one. One day a Japanese man walks into a bar in Turkey...

One day a Japanese man walks into a bar in Turkey and challenges everyone in the bar for a fight.

\-Are there anyone who believes he can defeat me ?

Temel gets up and walks to the door saying:

\-I can do it. Let's see what you are made of.

A few minutes later Temel walks ...

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A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the san...

What did the australian say to the undercooked turkey?

Are you all raw?

I was Hungary so Iran to the store to get some Turkey

Which I cooked in Greece, and served with a side of Chile, which I ate with my friends Jordan and Chad. Sudanly we had Togo because we were Ghana get in trouble because we didn’t Finnish paying. But I’ve Benin trouble before, there was Norway they were going to catch me, I Congo much faster than the...

A jockey was riding the favourite at a race meeting, and was well ahead of the field.

His horse rounded the final corner, when suddenly the jockey was hit on the head by a turkey and a string of sausages.

He managed to keep control of his mount and pulled back into the lead, only to be struck by a box of Christmas crackers and a dozen mince pies as he went over the last fence....

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A grammar book walks into a bar

* An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television, getting drunk, and smoking cigars.

* A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.

* A bar was walked into by the pass...

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Little Timmy comes home from school to find his parents in the middle of a fight.

Timmy's parents keep him pretty sheltered, and they don't normally fight in front of him, so he stops to see what is going on. The argument is pretty heated and at this point has devolved to plain old shouting insults at one another.

His mother yells at his father "At least I don't have hair...

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Dad, Sister and Mum

So my dad is in the bathroom shaving his beard as usual, when he drops his razor and shouts "Dick!"

I ask "What does Dick Mean?"

He says it means "Beard" and I say "Okay"

I go downstairs into the living room, where my sister is eating Cake. She drops the spoon she is using onto ...

A lady walked into a tattoo parlor and said, "Can you do a tattoo of a turkey on my right inner thigh and one of a Christmas tree on my left inner thigh?"

"Sure,* the tattoo artist said. "But if you
don't mind me asking, why did you choose
those two designs?"
The lady smiled. "My husband' she explained. "He says there's never anything to eat
between Thanksgiving and Christmas!"

If Russia invaded Turkey from the rear....

... do you think Greece would help?

I quit smoking cold turkey

And started putting it on my sandwiches instead.

What do you call a turkey's evil twin?

A Gobblegänger.

What do you call a turkey that shows too much cleavage?

A fowl temptress.

Turkey can now finally join the EU

Why? Well because now that the UK has left, there's 1 GB of free space

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A young boy discovers his first swear words on Thanksgiving Day.

A young boy discovers his first swear words on Thanksgiving Day. After aggravating his mother, he's sent outside to play. In the yard, he overhears his neighbors fighting: "You bitch!" "You bastard!" Astounded, he runs back inside and asks his mother, "Mommy mommy! What is a bitch and bastard?"
...

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Mr. Johnson joined a bowling team. "We meet at 8:00 every Saturday morning," said the captain. "Okay," said Mr. Johnson, "but I might be five minutes late for the first game."

That Saturday, Mr. Johnson arrived at exactly 8:00 and bowled a turkey with his right hand. When he left the bowling alley, he said, "Next week, I might be five minutes late."

The next Saturday, Mr. Johnson arrived at exactly 8:00 and bowled a six-pack with his left hand. When he left the bow...

My wife threw a pack of turkey and a lighter in the cart and my God the temptation was strong...

It was just last week that I quit smoking cold turkey

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A man has a habit of starting every morning by breaking wind.

Of course, his wife finds this habit disgusting, and even as she asks him to stop, he only snickers, continuing the habit every morning.

After one of the husband's daily bouts of morning flatulence, the woman tells him that if he continues to fart every morning, his intestines will come out ...

Why did Jesus ask Judas to crave the turkey?

Cause he likes stabbing things in the back.

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A Psychologist once had a patient who masturbated with a raw chicken

He had a crippling addiction where he would masturbate with a raw chicken. This was really harming his social life and he became a recluse. His psychologist suggested he went cold turkey.

A couple fingers, Vaseline, and the grace of God

Not an original joke but hilarious nonetheless. Presented for your enjoyment.


This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.

The noise would wake his w...

Today I will eat TURKEY

...and all 80.81 million people in it.

Why doesn’t Trump like Turkey?

Too much dark meat.

My wife was giving me a hard time about drinking too much over the weekend. I finally agreed to quit cold turkey.

I don't much care for leftovers anyway.

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Three guys die and go to Heaven...

St. Peter is working the gate and tells the men, "All your paperwork appears to be in order. But before I allow you into heaven I need you to answer one final essay question. In 50 words or less, can you tell me the true meaning of Easter?"

The first man scratches his head, "Well, you cut dow...

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Little Johnny and his family are preparing for Christmas dinner.

Johnny goes upstairs to his brothers room while he’s playing video games. His brother gets a kill and yells “Yeah, eat that bitch!”
Little Johnny asks, “Hey bro, what does that word mean?”
His brother looks around hurriedly and replies “It means uh...a lovely lady.”

Little Johnny goe...

Europe is like a fridge

You have the freezing cold part at the top


Then in the middle, you have cheese, cold meat, and a good drinks selection


Then down the bottom corner, there's just turkey and grease

[From my 8-year-old] What did the Mandalorian say about how to cook the Thanksgiving turkey?

...This is the way.

Coming to Theaters: The thrilling tale of a man who cooked biographical books like turkey on Thanksgiving.

*Baste on a True Story.*

Friday Lunch


Oh lunch how I long for you so
Quickly to noon i hopeith this day go
I have been preparing for your flavor since your conception last night
Merely your presence at my feet brings delight

Turkey, cheese, horseradish oh my
My only regret is that you're not perched on ...

Wives are like Thanksgiving Turkeys.

They eventually get fat and then stop gobbling.

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If World War One were a bar fight.

Germany, Austria and Italy are standing together in the middle of a pub when Serbia bumps into Austria and spills Austria's pint. Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete new suit because there are splashes on its trouser leg. Germany expresses its support for Austria's point of view. Britain recomm...

Why did they ask the turkey to join the band?

Because He had the drum sticks.

What’s the difference between a turkey and Turkey?

A turkey wouldn’t commit genocide against innocent people

Who is Turkey's Minister of Propaganda?

Joesph Gobbles

What did the mother turkey say to the little turkeys on Thanksgiving?

Mind your manners! If your dad could see you now, he‘d roll over in his gravy!

Why did the police arrest the turkey?

They suspected fowl play.

Did you hear what happened to the Turkey that got into a fight?

Apparently he got the stuffing knocked out of him.

What do you get when you cross a turkey with a centipede?

Drumsticks for everyone!

What sound does a Turkey make?

"coup coup"

I was carving the Thanksgiving turkey and cut my hand. My not so bright brother-in-law ran over and grabbed the bloody wound with his fingers and started twisting it. I screamed “Ouch!! What the hell are you doing!”

He replied, “I’m applying a turn-a-cut”

Why doesn't a turkey like math?

Because when he added 3 to 5.


He got Ate.

Why didn't the turkey finish his Christmas dinner?

He was stuffed.

What does Trump have in common with the Thanksgiving turkey?

Both will need a pardon by Thanksgiving

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A longish darkish joke about 3 construction workers

3 construction workers are eating lunch on the edge of the unfinished 13th floor of an office building.

The welder opens his lunchbox in disgust and says “tuna salad again? I’m gonna have a talk with my wife because if I I have to eat tuna salad again, I’m going to jump off this building.”...

A Saudi Prince wants to buy a bull, so he goes to see a famous Russian bovine breeder.

The Russian tells him, "I have many good animal. Here is Swedish bull, is born black color, but color turns white when grows."

"Over there is American bull. Color when born is red, but become dark brown when full grown."

"And here, Turkish bull. They is born dark brown, but grow up to ...

I shot my first Thanksgiving turkey this year.

Scared the hell out of everyone else in the grocery store.

An ode to the Canadian Thanksgiving: How do you keep a turkey in suspense?

I will tell you tomorrow.

What do you do if you grew up In Hungary?

Move to Turkey

What do you call a man who lives in Turkey who was not born there.

Turkish

The country of Turkey is a lot like Little Miss Moffett...

They both have Kurds in their way.

1915-17 may have been the worst years in human history for food poisoning.

1.5 million Armenians died from bad turkey.

I used to be addicted to thanksgiving leftovers,

but then I quit cold turkey

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A turkey was chatting with a bull "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next say, after eating more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally, ...

A recent widow, Elizabeth, gets dressed up in her mourning cloths and goes shopping for the week

She's known the butcher for years and says "Every year my husband insisted on a turkey for Easter. But now that he's dead, I can have whatever I want! I was thinking I'd do a nice roast or maybe a meatloaf. Is that traditional?"

The butcher just shakes his head. "No, black Betty. Ham or lamb...

My kids tell me that they want a cat for Chrismas this year.

We normally cook a turkey for Christmas, but if they want a cat, okay.

I went turkey hunting recently with my new shotgun...

scared the hell out of everyone in the frozen foods section.

Every morning when this woman's husband wakes up, he let's a horribly smelling fart.

She tells him over and over "some day you're going to fart your guts out!"
Her husband just laughs and brushes it off.

This goes on for months until Thanksgiving comes around and she is preparing the turkey. The woman gets this idea. Her husband is still sleeping so she grabs the turkey gu...

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A kid keeps overhearing his parents fighting....

During one of the fights he hears them say bitch and bastard. Afterwards and curious, he asks his dad "Daddy what are bitches and bastards?" He says "Theyre different words for boys and girls". The next day he hears them fighting again and he hears them say penis and vagina. Afterwards and curious a...

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Why did the turkey cross the road?

He didn't. He's an asshole and just stood in front of my car for 5 mins.

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Three Asian men die in a car accident on Easter Sunday.

They find themselves at the pearly gates, where Peter is at his receptionist desk awaiting them.

“Now, here’s the deal,” Peter says to them. “You three were not believers, so you are not allowed in here.” The men glance at each other, beginning to grow pale. “However, since it’s Easter, I’m w...

Why don't they like cheese in Turkey?

Because they despise letting the Kurds have their way.

I was excited to judge my first cooking competition

The local university was holding an iron chef style cooking competition where three students prepared a meal centering around a theme ingredient. The theme of the competition was turkey dinner, and before I knew it the kitchen was abuzz with the sounds and the smells of cooking.

After an hour...

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Christmas Supper

**Might of heard this one before**

A boy and his family prepare for a Christmas supper with his grandparents and a few of their friends.

The boy walks over to the kitchen and sees his mother carving the turkey.

She slices her finger open and yells "fuck".

The boy looks ...

Why don’t turkeys eat on thanksgiving?

Because they’re stuffed!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The boy's dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled "Ass!" And the boy heard...

(This might be a repost, but my friend told me it and I thought it was funny.)

The boy's dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled "Ass!" And the boy heard...

"Daddy, what does ass mean?"

"It means... beard."

Downstairs, the b...

When is a turkey scary?

When it's a goblin.

Whats the difference between a chicken and a turkey

a chicken is a common farm animal

and a turkey commits genocide against armenians.

What do you call it when a family passes down a turkey recipe?

Copy and basting

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Three Japanese men die in a horrible bus accident and go to the gates of heaven. St. Peter stops them at the gate, eyes them suspiciously and says "Boys, most Japanese practice Shinto or Buddhism. You're actually Christians?"

The three indignantly protest that they were raised in Christian families and have practiced the religion their entire lives. St. Peter says: "Ok, I'm going to ask you one question. If you get the one question correct, you will get to go into heaven." Excited about not going to hell, the three Japan...

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WW1 as a bar fight...

Serbia is walking across the bar with a beer in his hand. He bumps into Austria, and spills some beer on his pant leg. Austria is furious, and demands Serbia pay for an entire suit. Serbia can't afford this, so he offers to pay for the dry cleaning.

They argue, Russia tells Austria to back o...

Why did she spit out the turkey soup?

She said it had a fowl taste.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had sex with a turkey. I know what you’re all thinking...

That’s fowl

Why was the UN concerned when the waiter dropped Thanksgiving dinner?

Because it meant the fall of turkey, the ruin of grease, and the breakup of china.

Single, huh?

A woman went to a grocery store and did some shopping. She gave her basket to the check-out clerk, who scanned the following:

1 toothbrush
2 small packages of noodles
1 banana
1 small turkey
1/2 gallon of milk

The clerk looked at the woman and said "single, huh?'
...

Turkey has just banned cheese...

It seems they have issues with the curds.

How do you bury a dead turkey?

You put GRAVey on it

I tried to deep fry my turkey this year but it went horribly wrong

Boom. Roasted.

Happy Easter

Three blondes died in a car crash trying to jump the Grand Canyon and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St Peter tells them that they can enter the gates only if they can answer one simple religious question. The question posed by St. Peter is "What is Easter"?

The first blonde replies, "Oh...

In Turkey, a prisoner goes to the prison library and asks for a book.

The librarian answers “Unfortunately, we do not have the book here. But the author.”

The turkey says, "gobble, gobble."

I appreciate it when food comes with instructions.

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AITA For getting my daughter a turkey sandwich from subway instead of ham?

She asked for ham but she usually picks off the ham, so I thought I would get her turkey so she can try something new. Just wondering, if I am the asshole I understand.

I hit a Turkey..

and it flew over my car and landed on the car behind me. It was a Cop and he pulled me over and gave me a ticket for flipping him the bird.

My five-year-old said he wanted a kitten for Christmas.

Usually we have turkey, but why not?

Why do we only eat Turkey for thanksgiving?

Because the Armenians are all dead



PS: I am going to hell for this

I ordered a foot long Italian on whole wheat at Subway but I got a six inch turkey on flatbread.

Wrong sub.

A woman goes to the pet store to buy a parrot

(Long)

She walks in and the merchant shows her the only parrot they have available. "I must warn you" the merchant said, "this parrot was owned previously buy a sailor and has very foul language". Well the woman, like most of us, thought she could change the parrot so she takes the parrot hom...

I Recently I received a parrot as a gift.

The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

I tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else I could think of to "clea...

Donald duck walks into a bar...

Donald duck walks into a bar to escape the rain and orders a shot of wild Turkey. The bartender hands him his shot and Sparks up a conversation with the duck.
"Hi Mr duck how is your day going," asks the bartender?
"Oh I'm doing good bartender. I'm in and out of puddles all day and living the ...

Just seen a sign "Turkey £29" in the butcher's window...

...That's £300 cheaper than Thomas Cook.

The day after Thanksgiving someone wished me Happy Turkey Recovery Day

Sorry to burst your bubble, but those turkeys aren't recovering from yesterday.

Irish animal rights activists have broken into a turkey farm.

They say they are going to release thousands of turkeys into the wild...

as soon as they’ve defrosted

Our son want a puppy for Christmas

We usually have turkey, but if that makes him happy...

What's the best way to quit being vegan?

Going cold turkey

Why does congress have as much meat as Arbys?

Because something's really fishy with all these turkeys playing chicken in a beef over pork.

Saudi Arabia heard that Trump was going to pardon a turkey

But they'd still like to have a word with it at their embassy.

Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Each and every morning of those 15 years, Bob has woken up, farted loudly and proudly, rolled over onto his back and got out of bed to go to work...

And each and every morning for those 15 years, Martha has said to him disgustedly, "One of these days, you're gonna fart your guts out!"

But this has had no effect on Bob as he has continued merrily with his routine each morning.

Martha is totally fed up with this and then one Thanksgi...

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Its thanksgiving

A little boy around 4 years old is watching his dad cut the turkey. He accidentally cuts his hand and he yells "fuck." The boy asks his dad what that word means. His dad says it means to cut.

The boy then goes to the bathroom where his mum is putting on makeup. Her hand slips and she goes "s...

Donald Trump dies and goes to hell

In 50 years, he comes to the devil and says: "I know I'm going to spend an eternity here. I would like to ask you for a favor. I miss my country, I miss the United States. Can I go back to Washington DC for 15 minutes? I will go to the nearest bar, drink some beer and have a little chat with the bar...

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