Why did the turkey cross the road twice?

To prove he wasn't a chicken!

If Russia invaded Turkey from the rear....

... do you think Greece would help?

What do you call a turkey that shows too much cleavage?

A fowl temptress.

I quit smoking cold turkey

And started putting it on my sandwiches instead.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man has a habit of starting every morning by breaking wind.

Of course, his wife finds this habit disgusting, and even as she asks him to stop, he only snickers, continuing the habit every morning.

After one of the husband's daily bouts of morning flatulence, the woman tells him that if he continues to fart every morning, his intestines will come out ...

I was Hungary so Iran to the store to get some Turkey

Which I cooked in Greece, and served with a side of Chile, which I ate with my friends Jordan and Chad. Sudanly we had Togo because we were Ghana get in trouble because we didn’t Finnish paying. But I’ve Benin trouble before, there was Norway they were going to catch me, I Congo much faster than the...

A couple fingers, Vaseline, and the grace of God

Not an original joke but hilarious nonetheless. Presented for your enjoyment.


This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.

The noise would wake his w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

6 life lessons

6 life lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, ...

Europe is like a fridge

You have the freezing cold part at the top


Then in the middle, you have cheese, cold meat, and a good drinks selection


Then down the bottom corner, there's just turkey and grease

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If World War One were a bar fight.

Germany, Austria and Italy are standing together in the middle of a pub when Serbia bumps into Austria and spills Austria's pint. Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete new suit because there are splashes on its trouser leg. Germany expresses its support for Austria's point of view. Britain recomm...

My wife threw a pack of turkey and a lighter in the cart and my God the temptation was strong...

It was just last week that I quit smoking cold turkey

What do you do if you grew up In Hungary?

Move to Turkey

Turkey can now finally join the EU

Why? Well because now that the UK has left, there's 1 GB of free space

Why is Turkey's President Erdogan like Little Miss Muffet?

They both have Kurds in their way.

A woman walks into a tattoo parlor and asks for a tattoo of turkey on her right inner thigh

After that she asks for a Christmas tree on her left. The tattoo artist asks her what the point is so she replies

"My husband complains there's nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."

What do you call a turkey's evil twin?

A Gobblegänger.

1915-17 may have been the worst years in human history for food poisoning.

1.5 million Armenians died from bad turkey.

Why doesn’t Trump like Turkey?

Too much dark meat.

My wife was giving me a hard time about drinking too much over the weekend. I finally agreed to quit cold turkey.

I don't much care for leftovers anyway.

A Saudi Prince wants to buy a bull, so he goes to see a famous Russian bovine breeder.

The Russian tells him, "I have many good animal. Here is Swedish bull, is born black color, but color turns white when grows."

"Over there is American bull. Color when born is red, but become dark brown when full grown."

"And here, Turkish bull. They is born dark brown, but grow up to ...

What did the Turkey say to the computer?

"Google Google Google!"

What’s the difference between a turkey and Turkey?

A turkey wouldn’t commit genocide against innocent people

[From my 8-year-old] What did the Mandalorian say about how to cook the Thanksgiving turkey?

...This is the way.

I was excited to judge my first cooking competition

The local university was holding an iron chef style cooking competition where three students prepared a meal centering around a theme ingredient. The theme of the competition was turkey dinner, and before I knew it the kitchen was abuzz with the sounds and the smells of cooking.

After an hour...

Coming to Theaters: The thrilling tale of a man who cooked biographical books like turkey on Thanksgiving.

*Baste on a True Story.*

Today I will eat TURKEY

...and all 80.81 million people in it.

Why did Jesus ask Judas to crave the turkey?

Cause he likes stabbing things in the back.

A recent widow, Elizabeth, gets dressed up in her mourning cloths and goes shopping for the week

She's known the butcher for years and says "Every year my husband insisted on a turkey for Easter. But now that he's dead, I can have whatever I want! I was thinking I'd do a nice roast or maybe a meatloaf. Is that traditional?"

The butcher just shakes his head. "No, black Betty. Ham or lamb...

What did the mother turkey say to the little turkeys on Thanksgiving?

Mind your manners! If your dad could see you now, he‘d roll over in his gravy!

Did you hear what happened to the Turkey that got into a fight?

Apparently he got the stuffing knocked out of him.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Christmas Supper

**Might of heard this one before**

A boy and his family prepare for a Christmas supper with his grandparents and a few of their friends.

The boy walks over to the kitchen and sees his mother carving the turkey.

She slices her finger open and yells "fuck".

The boy looks ...

Why did the police arrest the turkey?

They suspected fowl play.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 guys die and go to heaven ...

... St. Peter is working the gate and tells the men, "All your paperwork appears to be in order. But before I allow you into heaven I need you to answer one final essay question. In 50 words or less, can you tell me the true meaning of Easter?"

The first man scratches his head, "Well, you cut...

Why did they ask the turkey to join the band?

Because He had the drum sticks.

What do you get when you cross a turkey with a centipede?

Drumsticks for everyone!

I was carving the Thanksgiving turkey and cut my hand. My not so bright brother-in-law ran over and grabbed the bloody wound with his fingers and started twisting it. I screamed “Ouch!! What the hell are you doing!”

He replied, “I’m applying a turn-a-cut”

Shot my first turkey today!

Went really well, except for the little old lady in the frozen food section that nearly had a heart attack.

What does Trump have in common with the Thanksgiving turkey?

Both will need a pardon by Thanksgiving

Every morning when this woman's husband wakes up, he let's a horribly smelling fart.

She tells him over and over "some day you're going to fart your guts out!"
Her husband just laughs and brushes it off.

This goes on for months until Thanksgiving comes around and she is preparing the turkey. The woman gets this idea. Her husband is still sleeping so she grabs the turkey gu...

Wives are like Thanksgiving Turkeys.

They eventually get fat and then stop gobbling.

An ode to the Canadian Thanksgiving: How do you keep a turkey in suspense?

I will tell you tomorrow.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three Asian men die in a car accident on Easter Sunday.

They find themselves at the pearly gates, where Peter is at his receptionist desk awaiting them.

“Now, here’s the deal,” Peter says to them. “You three were not believers, so you are not allowed in here.” The men glance at each other, beginning to grow pale. “However, since it’s Easter, I’m w...

I sat down to eat my turkey sandwich and my wife yells, "Enjoying your meat, you murderer?"

I only wish one day goes by without her mentioning the time I killed her mother

Why doesn't a turkey like math?

Because when he added 3 to 5.


He got Ate.

Why didn't the turkey finish his Christmas dinner?

He was stuffed.

Why don't they like cheese in Turkey?

Because they despise letting the Kurds have their way.

What do you call a man who lives in Turkey who was not born there.

Turkish

What sound does a Turkey make?

"coup coup"

I shot my first Thanksgiving turkey this year.

Scared the hell out of everyone else in the grocery store.

My kids tell me that they want a cat for Chrismas this year.

We normally cook a turkey for Christmas, but if they want a cat, okay.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three Japanese men die in a horrible bus accident and go to the gates of heaven. St. Peter stops them at the gate, eyes them suspiciously and says "Boys, most Japanese practice Shinto or Buddhism. You're actually Christians?"

The three indignantly protest that they were raised in Christian families and have practiced the religion their entire lives. St. Peter says: "Ok, I'm going to ask you one question. If you get the one question correct, you will get to go into heaven." Excited about not going to hell, the three Japan...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A turkey was chatting with a bull "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next say, after eating more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally, ...

Happy Easter

Three blondes died in a car crash trying to jump the Grand Canyon and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St Peter tells them that they can enter the gates only if they can answer one simple religious question. The question posed by St. Peter is "What is Easter"?

The first blonde replies, "Oh...

Single, huh?

A woman went to a grocery store and did some shopping. She gave her basket to the check-out clerk, who scanned the following:

1 toothbrush
2 small packages of noodles
1 banana
1 small turkey
1/2 gallon of milk

The clerk looked at the woman and said "single, huh?'
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the san...

I went turkey hunting recently with my new shotgun...

scared the hell out of everyone in the frozen foods section.

Why does congress have as much meat as Arbys?

Because something's really fishy with all these turkeys playing chicken in a beef over pork.

Donald duck walks into a bar...

Donald duck walks into a bar to escape the rain and orders a shot of wild Turkey. The bartender hands him his shot and Sparks up a conversation with the duck.
"Hi Mr duck how is your day going," asks the bartender?
"Oh I'm doing good bartender. I'm in and out of puddles all day and living the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Its thanksgiving

A little boy around 4 years old is watching his dad cut the turkey. He accidentally cuts his hand and he yells "fuck." The boy asks his dad what that word means. His dad says it means to cut.

The boy then goes to the bathroom where his mum is putting on makeup. Her hand slips and she goes "s...

What's the best way to quit being vegan?

Going cold turkey

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The boy's dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled "Ass!" And the boy heard...

(This might be a repost, but my friend told me it and I thought it was funny.)

The boy's dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled "Ass!" And the boy heard...

"Daddy, what does ass mean?"

"It means... beard."

Downstairs, the b...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the turkey cross the road?

He didn't. He's an asshole and just stood in front of my car for 5 mins.

My five-year-old said he wanted a kitten for Christmas.

Usually we have turkey, but why not?

I Recently I received a parrot as a gift.

The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

I tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else I could think of to "clea...

A woman goes to the pet store to buy a parrot

(Long)

She walks in and the merchant shows her the only parrot they have available. "I must warn you" the merchant said, "this parrot was owned previously buy a sailor and has very foul language". Well the woman, like most of us, thought she could change the parrot so she takes the parrot hom...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

WW1 as a bar fight...

Serbia is walking across the bar with a beer in his hand. He bumps into Austria, and spills some beer on his pant leg. Austria is furious, and demands Serbia pay for an entire suit. Serbia can't afford this, so he offers to pay for the dry cleaning.

They argue, Russia tells Austria to back o...

My 6yo told me a dad joke: What kind of key has no lock?

A turkey.

Why don’t turkeys eat on thanksgiving?

Because they’re stuffed!

When is a turkey scary?

When it's a goblin.

What do you call it when a family passes down a turkey recipe?

Copy and basting

Why did she spit out the turkey soup?

She said it had a fowl taste.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had sex with a turkey. I know what you’re all thinking...

That’s fowl

3 Women goto Heaven where they’re addressed by St Peter

He says “we have 1 major rule here in heaven, there are a lot of Turkeys up here. Do not step on the Turkeys there will be consequences “

Accepting this rule the women nod their heads and go on into heaven. About 5 days later the first of the 3 women step on a Turkey. She is immediately calle...

Turkey has just banned cheese...

It seems they have issues with the curds.

I tried to deep fry my turkey this year but it went horribly wrong

Boom. Roasted.

I hit a Turkey..

and it flew over my car and landed on the car behind me. It was a Cop and he pulled me over and gave me a ticket for flipping him the bird.

Whats the difference between a chicken and a turkey

a chicken is a common farm animal

and a turkey commits genocide against armenians.

Why was the UN concerned when the waiter dropped Thanksgiving dinner?

Because it meant the fall of turkey, the ruin of grease, and the breakup of china.

I say it every year but I'm quitting Thanksgiving

...cold turkey

The turkey says, "gobble, gobble."

I appreciate it when food comes with instructions.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

AITA For getting my daughter a turkey sandwich from subway instead of ham?

She asked for ham but she usually picks off the ham, so I thought I would get her turkey so she can try something new. Just wondering, if I am the asshole I understand.

Why do we only eat Turkey for thanksgiving?

Because the Armenians are all dead



PS: I am going to hell for this

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A drunk guy walks into a bar...

and says, "I'll have a shot of Wild Turkey, please." The bartender says, "I'm not going to serve you, because I think you're intoxicated." The guy says, "I just want one, man. And then I'm going straight home." So the bartender says, "All right, you can have one" and gives the guy his shot.

...

In Turkey, a prisoner goes to the prison library and asks for a book.

The librarian answers “Unfortunately, we do not have the book here. But the author.”

What's the difference between NATO and the bottom of my fridge?

NATO has more than just Turkey and Greece

Our son want a puppy for Christmas

We usually have turkey, but if that can make him happy...

Just seen a sign "Turkey £29" in the butcher's window...

...That's £300 cheaper than Thomas Cook.

The day after Thanksgiving someone wished me Happy Turkey Recovery Day

Sorry to burst your bubble, but those turkeys aren't recovering from yesterday.

I'm addicted to Boxing Day sandwiches.

I'll have to go cold turkey.

My Family asked me to stop telling Thanksgiving jokes.

I told them I couldn't stop cold turkey!

My family keeps telling me I have a serious lunchmeat problem

But I can't just quit cold turkey

Saudi Arabia heard that Trump was going to pardon a turkey

But they'd still like to have a word with it at their embassy.

Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Each and every morning of those 15 years, Bob has woken up, farted loudly and proudly, rolled over onto his back and got out of bed to go to work...

And each and every morning for those 15 years, Martha has said to him disgustedly, "One of these days, you're gonna fart your guts out!"

But this has had no effect on Bob as he has continued merrily with his routine each morning.

Martha is totally fed up with this and then one Thanksgi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Is it turkey day yet?

You butterball-ieve it is!

Irish animal rights activists have broken into a turkey farm.

They say they are going to release thousands of turkeys into the wild...

as soon as they’ve defrosted

Why did the turkey cross the road?

He wanted people to think he was a chicken.

Terrible joke, I know. Happy Thanksgiving!

Reporter: Mr. President, will you be pardoning Turkey today?

President: Is Saudi okay?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There's this old couple, and every morning as he wakes up, the man lets out an unbelievably loud fart in bed.

The wife has been putting up with this for years, and is very annoyed by it. She keeps telling him, "One day, you're going to fart your guts out." The man laughs it off and continues to wake his wife up with a fart every morning. Then, Thanksgiving rolls around. The wife gets up early to prepare the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If the Indians gave the pilgrams a donkey instead of a turkey

We'd be having a nice piece of ass right now...

I heard Donald Trump pardoned two turkeys this year...

Eric and Don Jr

I always like to go bowling on Thanksgiving.

Because I am guaranteed to get a turkey that day.

A woman called the turkey hotline to ask how long to cook her 12lb turkey...

A woman called the turkey hotline to ask how long to cook her 12lb turkey in the microwave.

The hotline worker responded, “Uhhh... one minute...”

She said, “Thanks!” And immediately hung up.

Donald Trump dies and goes to hell

In 50 years, he comes to the devil and says: "I know I'm going to spend an eternity here. I would like to ask you for a favor. I miss my country, I miss the United States. Can I go back to Washington DC for 15 minutes? I will go to the nearest bar, drink some beer and have a little chat with the bar...

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