UPJOKE
balkanssyriaottoman empirebulgarianatorussiaistanbuleuropeiranarmeniabyzantine empireconstantinopleworld war iroman empirepoultry

It’s great that Turkey is providing heavy armoured vehicles to Ukraine.

Everyone loves tanks giving turkey.

At a Diplomats' dinner, a waiter tripped and shattered the beautiful plate in which he was carrying a large turkey.

Hushed silence turned into a roar of  laughter, when the quick-witted Diplomat  announced:


"Gentlemen ! 

You have just witnessed 4 major international events happening :-


Fall of Turkey

Breakup of China

Spillage of Greece 

 and

Frustration of ...

I recently heard that Turkeys aren't allowed to play baseball.

No matter how many times they hit, they'll always hit Fowl balls.

If Russia invades Turkey from the rear...

Would Greece help?

Did you hear about the spelunker that quit cold turkey?

He caved

What sound does a one legged turkey make?

Wobble wobble wobble.

What was the turkey thankful for on Thanksgiving?

vegetarians!

What’s the difference between retail workers and turkeys?

We let the turkey rest on Thanksgiving.

I shot my first turkey today!!!!

People ran out of the frozen food section in excitement, and even the cops showed up to see!!!!

What's a turkey's favorite dessert?

Peach gobbler

Why’d the Turkey cross the road?

Cause it was the chickens day off.

Thanksgiving joke.

Cold Turkey

Guy buys a parrot and when he gets home, he discovers that it won’t stop cussing.

After a few days of embarrassment and covering his kids’ ears, he threatens the parrot.

“I’m gonna send you to go live in the freezer if you don’t clean up your act!”

The parrot: “F*** off, A**ho...

What was written on the turkey’s gravestone?

Roast in peace

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man get pulled over with his young son in the back seat.

The cop comes to the window.

"Sorry officer, I was rushing tog et home. My wife is throwing a dinner party for very important guests."

The cop writes him a ticket anyway, wishes him a good day and walks back to his patrol car. As he walks away, the dad mutters "Bastard."

The lit...

My kids told me they want a cat for Christmas

We normally cook a turkey for Christmas, but if they want a cat, okay.

What's the turkey's favorite letter of the alphabet?

Gobble-You!

Note: my six year old made up this joke.

So there's this village on the Black Sea coast in Turkey

Over time a pothole in the road has got so big that people are falling into it and getting injured.

It get so bad that all the villagers get together to decide what to do about the hole in the road.

One of them says, "We should have an ambulance standing by ready to take people to the ...

What’s a turkey’s favorite lunch meat?

Gobblegool

Wife: “Honey let’s play a game?” Husband: “Ok, what is the game all about?”

Wife: "If I mention a country, you will run to the left side of the room and touch the wall. And if I mention a bird you will run to the right side of the room and touch the wall. If you run to the wrong direction, you will give me all your salary for the month."

Husband: "Ok and if you fail,...

A turkey is about to cross the road...

When suddenly the chicken appears and says, 'Don't do it man! You'll never hear the end of it'

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6 Life Lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

What's something that all cooked turkeys have?

They all have cavities and no teeth

Do you know how to keep a Turkey in suspense?

...I'll tell you later.

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A turkey was chatting with a bull.

"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough st...

My favorite Easter Joke

St Peter meets three new potential Heaven Members and says, “Ok, tonight we’re going to have a quiz. Just a simple question: What is Easter?”

The first guy says, “oh, that’s easy. It’s when the family gets together and have turkey and mashed potatoes and…”

“No, no. That’s Thanksgiving!...

I once tried dating in China and Turkey

It didn't work out, there were a lot of red flags everywhere

A Saudi Prince wants to buy a bull, so he goes to see a famous Russian bovine breeder.

The Russian tells him "I have many good animal. Here is Swedish bull, is born black color, but color turns white when grows.”

"Over there is American bull. Color when born is red, but become dark brown when full grown.”

"And here, Turkish bull. They is born dark brown, but grow up to b...

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“Whats the Difference between a blowjob and a turkey sandwich?”

“Im not sure”

“We should get lunch sometime!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ever been to a turkey orgy? #NSFW

A cluck’n’fuck

A drunk orders a shot of Wild Turkey....

Sorry sir, we don’t have Wild Turkey only a House bourbon? What can I get you?

I’ll have a shot of Wild Turkey

I’m so sorry sir, we just ran out, how about a Jack Daniels

I’ll have a shot of Wild Turkey

Okay sir, if you can spell Wild Turkey, I’ll get you a shot

...

Why did the Turkey cross the road?

To get to the other side dishes.

Because he's a vegetarian, see?

Thanksgiving An old couple had been married for 50 years. Every morning (without fail) the man produced a massive fart when he got out of bed and then laughed like a madman.

Also every morning, his wife would admonish him: "One of these days you're going to fart your guts out."

It's Thanksgiving morning. The old man is sleeping in and the old lady is in the initial steps of preparing the turkey. While she has a handful of turkey innards, she gets an idea:

...

Why did the Turkey cross the road at the cattle farm?

Because it couldn’t stan the bul

Woman gets a tattoo

A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh right up just below her bikini line. She
also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey. So the guy does it and it comes out looking real good. The woman then instruc...

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A husband liked to fart in bed (Long).

A husband liked to fart in bed, much to the dismay of his spouse. He named his farts, he gave them scores, and he often invited anyone around to smell it. He even farted in his sleep without waking. His spouse told him, “One day you’re gonna fart your guts out.”

Months later, on Thanksgiving,...

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Dave's wife is out for the night and he decides to eat some shrooms.

Dave's wife is out for the night and he decides to eat some shrooms. He passes out and wakes up at the pearly gates of heaven.

St Peter greets him and explains that he's actually died from eating some bad shrooms. However, if he makes dinner for Jesus and his 12 disciples *AND* they happen to...

What’s the capital of turkey?

The stuffing

How much Turkey should I buy?

I need enough for 12 people and maybe 2 police officers

I've been smoking weed for most of my life, and today I quit cold turkey.

I'll make do with the much cheaper chicken cold cuts and put the extra money towards buying more weed.

I tried to post a Thanksgiving joke about turkeys...

But it was removed because of fowl language.

I decided to become vegan today

The hardest part is quitting cold turkey.

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A drunk guy walks into a bar...

...and orders a shot of Wild Turkey. The bartender says, "I'm not going to serve you. You look intoxicated." The guy says, "I only want one. Then I'll go straight home!" So the bartender says, "OK you can have one." and pours the shot. The guy drinks it and immediately throws up onto his own shirt. ...

I used to live in Turkey, China, and Morocco, but I left ...

there were too many red flags.

For Christmas I adopted a dog that used to belong to a locksmith.

I just caught him helping himself to the turkey and he made a bolt for the door.

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Little Bobby woke up early on Thanksgiving Morning

As he was putting on his clothes for the day, he heard a loud, "FUCK!" coming from the Kitchen.

Little Bobby rushed downstairs, to see his mother nursing a cut on her finger.

"Mom, what does 'Fuck' mean?" asked little Bobby.

"It's a way of preparing the turkey for Thanksgiving."...

I got the family a dog for Christmas this year

With the amount of upset it caused, I’ll probably just get a turkey next time.

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The bastard that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.

On the other hand, he makes great smoked turkey sandwiches.

What did the turkey dress up as for Halloween?

Goblin

A man goes to a restaurant and has the most delicious turkey he's ever tasted...

He asks the chef, "How do you prepare the turkeys?"

The chef replies, "Oh, nothing special, we just tell them they're gonna die."

I was Hungary so Iran to the store to get some Turkey

Which I cooked in Greece, and served with a side of Chile, which I ate with my friends Jordan and Chad. Sudanly we had Togo because we were Ghana get in trouble because we didn’t Finnish paying. But I’ve Benin trouble before, there was Norway they were going to catch me, I Congo much faster than the...

What do you call a turkey's evil twin?

A Gobblegänger.

A 90 year old just told this: What happens when you drop the turkey out of the oven?

It's the downfall of Turkey and the overflow of grease.

I quit cold turkey!

Now I only eat hot turkey. Reheat those leftovers people. Happy Thanksgiving!

I shot my first Thanksgiving turkey this year.

Scared the hell out of everyone else in the grocery store.

I used to eat cold turkey all the time..

The only way I could stop was to taper off my intake gradually.

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"12 Days Of Christmas - Bayou Style"

Day 1 Dear Boudreaux, Thanks for de bird in de Pear tree. I fix it
las' night with dirty rice. I doan tink de pear tree will grow
in the swamp, so I swap it for a Satsuma.


Day 2 Dear Boudreaux, You letter say you sent two turtle doves, but
all I got was two scrawny pigeon...

A turkey farmer was experimenting with ways to make a better turkey.

After many frustrating attempts, the farmer announced to his friends, "Well I finally did it! I bred a turkey that has 6 legs!"

They all asked the farmer how it tasted.

"I don't know" said the farmer. "I never could catch the darn thing!"

What did the turkey say to the turkey hunter during thanksgiving week?

Quack quack.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So i saw some people translating jokes so here is a Turkish one. One day a Japanese man walks into a bar in Turkey...

One day a Japanese man walks into a bar in Turkey and challenges everyone in the bar for a fight.

\-Are there anyone who believes he can defeat me ?

Temel gets up and walks to the door saying:

\-I can do it. Let's see what you are made of.

A few minutes later Temel walks ...

Why did you ruin the Thanksgiving turkey at the last minute?

It just wasn't very well thawed out.
(it's bad, but it's mine)

What did the turkey say to the US president on Thanksgiving?

I beg your pardon.

How old do Muslim turkeys need to be before they go to Mecca?

Pilgrim age

Turkey can now finally join the EU

Why? Well because now that the UK has left, there's 1 GB of free space

You're probably Ghana think"no one will Bolivia. There's just Norway."

I thought I Kuwait but then I Saudi Turkey, Iraq of ribs and a Canada best sauce and my Bahrain was like Oman, I Israel Hungary... so Iran to the kitchen to put Greece in the pan.

I hoped it could get Finnish quickly and because I was Russian, I didn't Czech the label and accidentally added ...

Finally time for my thanksgiving joke!!

Why did the turkey get kicked out of the football stadium?


Because he tryptophan

Where can you find radioactive turkeys?

Chergobble

After only a week of dating, my girlfriend broke up with me because she doesn't like my comparisons...

I feel worst than a turkey sandwich on a yacht.

Preparation

He laid her on the table,
So white, clean and bare.
His forehead wet with beads of sweat,
He rubbed her here and there.
He touched her neck and then her breast,
And then, drooling, felt her thigh.
The slit was wet and all was set,
He gave a joyous cry.
The hole was wide...he ...

Today I will eat TURKEY

...and all 80.81 million people in it.

I roasted a chicken for dinner tonight.

I told it that it was so ugly it could be a Turkey, and that it laid horrible eggs.

I used to eat a lot of cold cuts, but I recently stopped.

I quit cold turkey.

Why did Jesus ask Judas to crave the turkey?

Cause he likes stabbing things in the back.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Happy Thanksgiving!

If the natives had given the pilgrams donkeys instead of turkeys, we would all be eating Ass for Thanksgiving!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the turkey cross the road?

He didn't. He's an asshole and just stood in front of my car for 5 mins.

My wife threw a pack of turkey and a lighter in the cart and my God the temptation was strong...

It was just last week that I quit smoking cold turkey

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the san...

What did the australian say to the undercooked turkey?

Are you all raw?

What do you call a turkey that shows too much cleavage?

A fowl temptress.

What do you call a man who lives in Turkey who was not born there.

Turkish

My wife was giving me a hard time about drinking too much over the weekend. I finally agreed to quit cold turkey.

I don't much care for leftovers anyway.

A lady walked into a tattoo parlor and said, "Can you do a tattoo of a turkey on my right inner thigh and one of a Christmas tree on my left inner thigh?"

"Sure,* the tattoo artist said. "But if you
don't mind me asking, why did you choose
those two designs?"
The lady smiled. "My husband' she explained. "He says there's never anything to eat
between Thanksgiving and Christmas!"

I quit smoking cold turkey

And started putting it on my sandwiches instead.

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Little Johnny

One day Little Johnny was in the car with his father when the cops pull them over.

His father says, "Oh the bastards."

Little Johnny asks, "Daddy, what does bastard mean?"

His father replies, "Oh it's just another name for the cops."

When they get back, Little Johnny's ...

[From my 8-year-old] What did the Mandalorian say about how to cook the Thanksgiving turkey?

...This is the way.

What’s the difference between a turkey and Turkey?

A turkey wouldn’t commit genocide against innocent people

Thanksgiving in Indiana.

When I was a kid in Indiana, we thought it would be fun to get a turkey a year ahead of time and feed it and so on for the following Thanksgiving.

But by the time Thanksgiving came around, we sort of thought of the turkey as a pet, so we ate the dog.

Only kidding. It was the cat!...

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I had sex with a turkey. I know what you’re all thinking...

That’s fowl

Why doesn’t Trump like Turkey?

Too much dark meat.

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