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A priest hooks a huge fish

A priest hooks a huge fish

Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!".

"Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.

Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called, it's a Fucker fish".<...

How do you catch a cursor fish?

click bait

What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?

Dam

Give a man a fish and you'll feed him for a day

Give a man a head of romaine lettuce and you'll feed him for the rest of his life

You know, if someone makes one more fish pun

I’m gonna krill myself

What do you call a fish looking for cancer treatment.

Finding chemo.

“Poor old fool.” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”

The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”

Why does no one like fish merchants?

Because they selfish.

What type of military vehicle to fish go to war in?

A fish tank

What kind of fish is made of only two Sodium atoms?

2 Na

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A rich business man goes fishing....

... he has all the newest gear, brand new top quality rods, beautifully handcrafted lures and he sits at the side of the river enjoying his peace. Sadly though after a few hours he still has not caught a single fish. Just as he ponders to retire for the day another man approaches the river not very ...

I was going fishing with an American friend of mine.

I asked him if he was going to bring his gun.

- No, why would I? - he answered.

- So, schools of fish don't count?

Why was the school of fish so small?

They were all playing hookie

What do you call a fake koi fish?

A dekoi

A boy is selling fish..

A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!"

A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'"

The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a cou...

There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish. He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale."

A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish.
The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish."
The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish.
His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to ...

How do fish get high?

Sea weed

My dad and I disagree on the way fish move.

But I don’t see the point in arguing over salmon ticks.

Why did the fish accept its death after losing its respiratory organs?

Because it lost the gill to live.

What were the last words of the fish at the AA meeting?

"Hello, I'm the fish and I'm dry."

If you can think of a better fish pun

Let minnow!

What did the blind man say as he walked through the fish market?

“Hey ladies!”

Why was the hipster fish late to the party?

Because he didn’t take the mainstream.

What do you call a fish stuffed with candy?

A fiñata.


^I’m ^sorry

Two fish are in a tank

One says to the other: “does anyone know how to drive this thing”

What’s the difference between meat and fish?

If you beat your fish it dies

I drew a large picture of a small skinned fish.

It’s not a scale drawing

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One day A fish was looking at a fly but the fly was six inches two high for the fish to jump up and get it

and fish said to himself.
“If that fly drops six inches and I can jump up and grab it I could get my self a pretty good meal.” But unlucky for the fish to know there was a bear who was watching the fish who was watching the fly and the bear said to himself.
“If the fly drops six inches and the...

What's the difference between a Fish and a piano?

You can't Tuna Fish.

Studies show that keeping tropical fish at home has a calming effect on your brain.

It’s because of all the indoor fins.

Why did the police suspect the fish sold drugs?

Because they noticed he had a lot of small scales with him.

The other day I took my Grandma to one of those spas where the little fish eat your dead skin

It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery

Did you hear the one about the guy who took his fishing rod to Burger King?

He caught a Whopper.

(I'm hoping that this translates well to cultures outside of the UK - apologies if it doesn't)

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A boy and a Catholic priest go on a fishing trip

The priest catches a large fish.

Boy: *"Look at that bastard!"*
Preacher: *"Watch your language!"*
Boy: *"Sorry father, it's called a Bastard fish".*
Preacher: *Chuckles and says "that's OK then".*

The preacher takes the fish back to the church and hands it to the Bish...

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day

Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.

As a blind man, I have a hard time eating fish

I can't seafood

Me and a friend went camping. We pitched our tent, went fishing, then got in our tent and went to bed.

At around midnight, I woke up and looked at the stars. I told my friend, “Look! The stars! Do you know what that means?” He says, “The stars are other planets. Does that mean there could be other life out there?”

I told him, “You idiot. It means someone stole our tent.”

A man is illegally fishing

So a man is illegally fishing for 2 hours, at this point he has a bucket full of fish and he’s still fishing, out of nowhere a cop comes in and tells him

“You know you can’t fish here right? It’s illegal, I’m gonna have to arrest you.”

The man hides the pole and replies:

“Oh no...

What contaminated the fish tank?

Baby shark doo doo doo doo dooo

Boris finds a gold fish...

"Hello Boris," says the gold fish "I will grant you three wishes". Excited brexeter says "I really like Donald Trump. Can I have a road running through the UK to America?", The goldfish laughs and tells him that bulding such thing on water is impossible! "Another wish, Boris" slightly annoyed Boris ...

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I treated the wife to one of those fish pedicures and I must say I was very pleased with the result.

Those piranhas don't fuck about.

[LONG] [NSFW] Two guys are in a boat fishing

One guys pulls out a cigarette and says to the other, "Hey man, do you have a light?"
The other guy goes into his tacklebox and pulls out a 10-inch lighter and hands it to him.
As he lights his cigarette, he says "Hey that's really neat, where did you get a lighter this big?"
"Oh, I have ...

Three guys are out fishing when Dave falls out of the boat and sinks like a stone.

The two left start panicking and pull in their rods but one is caught on something.
Pull him up,pull him up, they both heave till he is in the boat and not breathing.
I know mouth to mouth yells Steve and gets right down to business administering first aid to their fallen buddy Dave. After a c...

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The man who loved fishing

A husband is fanatical about fishing.

Twice a month on the weekend, he heads out for the lake early and spends most of the day.

He does this come rain or shine.

One Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his lunch made, puts on his long johns, grabs the dog and...

I once had a gold fish that could break dance on the carpet

But only once and only for twenty seconds

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Two alter boys fishing at the pier

Two alter boys were fishing at the pier with little luck. All of a sudden the first alter boys pole jerks downward and he reels up a monster fish.

"Hey, look at this big sonofabitch I caught!" The second alter boy looks at him and says,

"You can't say that we're Catholic."

The ...

Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. Give a man a woman...

you feed him for atleast a week (more if he rations the meat properly).

Where do fish keep their money?

The river bank.

An atheist is fishing in a boat on Loch Ness

When all of a sudden, the Loch Ness Monster comes up and begins thrashing his boat around. The monster tosses him into the air. On his way down he shouts "God, help me!"

Everything stops. He is mere feet from the monster's mouth. Then a loud, booming voice comes from the heavens and asks:
...

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In a small town there's a priest who makes good friends with his congregation. One Sunday, a fisherman invites the priest to go fishing with him.

The next weekend, they get in a boat and spend the day fishing. Unfortunately, neither of them has much luck, until all of a sudden, the priest feels a huge tug in his line. With some help from the fisherman, he reels in what must be a thirty pound largemouth bass.

Forgetting himself, the fis...

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I’d be a shitty fish

I can’t breath underwater

A Catholic bishop, a Hebrew rabbi and a Buddhist lama were sitting in a boat and fishing.

The rabbi looked at his watch and said: "Hey, it's lunch time, there's a restaurant on the shore, I'll go and eat there".
He stepped overboard and walked to the shore on the surface of the lake as if it was solid.

The lama watched him and said: "Yeah, I'll also go and have a lunch". ...

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A man was out fishing in his tuxedo...

A curious onlooker stopped and asked him,"Excuse me.I was just wondering why your fishing in a tuxedo?"

The man replied,"I just got married."

"Well, congratulations" He said. "But shouldn't you be in that hotel room banging that new bride."

"Well, normally yeah, but she has AIDS...

What's the saddest type of fish and chips?

a battered sole.

What were the fish's last words before it hit a wall?

Dam

What is the tightest fish in the sea?

Cheap skate

Someone threw a giant bottle of omega-3 pills at me

I'm fine - i only suffered super fish oil injuries

A priest, a rabbi, and a Baptist preacher were out fishing together

"We should all confess our sins," the priest suggests. "Give it a shot and see how it feels."

The three agree, and the Catholic goes goes first. "I'm an alcoholic. I drink till I black out every night."

"I love watching naked women on the internet," the rabbi confesses. "I just can't s...

Why are people who work in a fish shop mean?

Their job makes them sell fish.

Why do Americans take a gun while they go fishing ?

Cause groups of fish are called schools

What's the stupidest kind of fish?

A dumb bass

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Fishing is expensive

A young student looking for a job goes to a big “everything under one roof” department store.

The Manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?” The kid says “Very little.”

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see ...

The kids tried to name the pet fish

But they were far too literal with names like "fishy" and "flipper".

I wonder where Little Human and Naked Baby get that from.

Two fish were having a race underwater when one of them hits a wall. What does the other fish say?

Dam

What do gangster fish have at parties?

Hooks and blowfish

While sports fishing off the Florida coast in Key West, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber walking on the shore, the tourist shouted,

“There wouldn’t by chance be any
alligators in these waters?!”“No,” the old man hollered back, “haven’t been any for years!” Feeling relieved, the tourist
started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway toward shore he asked the old man,
“Say, how’d you get rid of the gators, any...

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A nun was out fishing and caught a huge fish for supper...

A man was walking by and said "Wow what a goddamn fish!" The sister said "Sir you shouldn't talk to me like that: I'm a nun", and the man said "But that's the name of it: a goddamn fish".

So the sister took the fish back to the rectory and said
"Mother superior, look at the goddamn fish...

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Father Conor is walking by the Shannon when he sees one of his congregation fishing...

He stops for a chat, and mentions that he's never fished before. 'It's a doddle,' says the angler. 'Take a rod and give it a go.'

'Well, I suppose the blessed Saint Peter himself was a fisherman. Perhaps I'll try my hand,' says the priest.

Father Conor sits down and casts his line. Aft...

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What do you get when you cross an illegitimate fish with a piece of shit?

A bass turd

Yes . . . shitty joke. Craptastic.

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So a priest is walking across the market and he hears a fisher yell”DAMN FISH GET YOUR DAMN FISH” so the priest walks up to the fisher and says “you can’t just swear like that you’ll make god angry” on which the fisher replies “this is an misunderstanding these fish were caught at the dam they’re

Dam fish” The priests understands what the fisher means and buys 2 dam fish when he comes home the priest asks his wife “can you cook these dam fish for supper tomorrow”on which the wife replies surprised”dear you’re a priest you can’t just swear like that” on which the priest explains the situation...

What happens when fish start an addiction to worms?

They get hooked.

What did the pet fish say when the cook served fish steak for dinner?

Oh my Cod!

Wife cheats on her husband with the mailman

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope....

Fishing is all location location location

Me and a buddy rented a boat and went fishing on a lake we had never been to before. For several hours we tried everything we could think of and just could not catch anything. We moved to a spot at the far end of the lake and on the first cast and every cast after, we caught fish. Daylight was runn...

The secret fishing bait

An angler walks into a tackle shop and heads to the counter. “Give me the best bait you’ve got,” he says. “My buddy told me there’s a fishing spot down by the creek here, and he always get lots of bites when using your bait.”

The clerk pulls out a small jar of bait which fills the shop with ...

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A grandfather takes his 10 year old grandson fishing

They're sitting in the boat out on the lake dangling their lines when the old man pulls out a pack of cigs and lights one up
"Can I have a cigarette grandad?"
Oh dear, thinks the grandad, better think of a way out of this
"Tell you what" grandad says "can your willy bend round and touch you...

(dad joke) What happened to the fish who ate raw chicken?

He got salmon-illa

I had a favorite fish once.

She would come and visit me in the same spot each day when I was diving until suddenly she disappeared. I was devastated! I lobster! But luckily I flounder.

Why did the fish’s wife leave him?

He got caught in Annett.

Did you hear the one about the paedophile fish?

It wasn't allowed near any schools.

I was in the downtown last night thinking about having a dinner and went to a nearby restaurant. I asked the waiter, "I don't eat eggs, meat, fish, dairy or gluten. What would you recommend?"

He said a taxi.

The Pope dies and arrives in Heaven

St. Peter awaits him. St. Peter asks who he is.

The Pope: "I am the pope."

St. Peter: "Who? There's no such name in my book."

The Pope: "I'm the representative of God on Earth."

St.Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me ..."

The Pope: "But I am t...

Does anyone know how long it takes to cook those boil in the bag fish.

I didn't get any instructions at the fun fair.

I was thinking about getting a blue fish from the middle east

But I dont think they have turk-kois

Give a man a fish and he'll feed his family for a day

Teach a man to fish...and over the course of the next few years more and more pieces of fishing equipment will disappear from your garage

My dad used to take me fishing.

Just for the halibut

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After a night out at the pub with his buddies, Carl came home rather drunk.

He slid into bed, kissed his wife on the cheek and fell into a deep sleep.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, “You died in your sleep, Carl.”

Carl was stunned. “I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!”

St. Peter said, “Hmm, perh...

Last time I went fishing I caught some sort of clam and got hurt, but I don't quite remember the rest of the day.

All I really know is that I pulled a mussel

A redneck with a bucket full of live fish, was approached recently by a game warden in Georgia as he started to leave a lake well known for it’s fish.

The game warden asked the man, “May I see your fishing license please?”

“Naw, sir,” replied the redneck. “I don’t need none of them there papers. These here are my pet fish.”

“Pet fish!?!?”

“Yep. Once a week, I bring these here fish o’mine down to the lake and let ’em swim ’roun...

Did you hear about the fish and chip shop owner that was taken to court?

He was charged with assault and battery.

I was buying fish the other day and asked the cashier for a plastic bag...

He said it was already inside

I tried to make a pie with fish innards!

It was cod offal.

What do you call a fish stuck in a tree?

A fish stick!

My 4 year olds first joke.

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