If you can think of a better fish pun..

let minnow.

What do you call 5 fish cut in half?

Tuna half.

Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says:

"I don't know how to drive this thing."

What did the fish say after it swam into a wall?

Damn

fishing is like girlfriends

There may be plenty of fish in the sea, but until I find one, I’m stuck here holding my rod

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A priest hooks a huge fish

A priest hooks a huge fish

Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!".

"Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.

Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called, it's a Fucker fish".<...

What do fish get high on?

Seaweed.

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Fishing

Four married blokes go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:

First bloke: 'You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend.'

Second bloke: 'That is n...

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A man’s wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes, so he walks down to the store only to find it closed.

So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her.

They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.

After they’ve had their fun, he realizes its 3 a.m. and says, “Oh no, it...

My kids have been wanting a Beta fish

So we went to the pet store, but they told us it was stuck in development. .... I’ll see myself out

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Went to a pet shop today to buy a fish

The lady said do you want a aquarium why the fuck do I need to know it’s star sign

A traveler stopped at a monastery and they invited him to stay for a delicious dinner of fish and chips.

After dinner he went in the kitchen and asked a guy "Are you the fish friar?" and the guy said "No I'm the chip monk."

What kind of STD's do fish get?

Merm-aids

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Have you heard about the new Japanese-Jamaican raw fish dish?

It's just pokemon...

How does an old timey 1930s era gangster threaten a jelly fish?

"You're see, through!"

With the threat of the new coralvirus, who did the fish put in charge of finding a cure?

The Sturgeon General

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't ...

What kind of a fish is made of only two sodium atoms

2 Na

(From my 9 year-old son) What type of fish should you use to catch other fish?

Bait-a fish.

What’s the difference between a piano, fish and a glue stick?

You can’t tune a glue stick.

I once had a pet fish that could breakdance on the carpet

He died doing what he loved

I just started reading fishing jokes

Now I’m hooked.

Two fish are swimming in a river, when one of them hits a concrete wall. He turns to the other and he says...

Dam

I saw this fisherman lose an absolutely epic fish and he started crying inconsolably.

I told him "Never mind, mate. Plenty more women on the land".

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A hungry fish spots a fly sitting on the bank of the river.

The fish really wants the fly to come closer to the edge of the water, so he can jump up and eat him.

Meanwhile, there's a fisherman a few feet downstream. He sitting on a little stool, eating a cheese sandwich, and wishing that the fly would drop down about 4 inches so the fish would catch a...

A man walks into a bar and sits next to a guy with a very small head

After having a couple drinks the man asks the other guy, "hey, I don't mean to be rude, but how is it you have such a small head?"

The guy replies, "well it's a bitter sweet story. You see when I was in the war my plane got shot down in the Pacific. I parachuted out and ended up on a deserted...

What do you call a fish that performs surgery in freshwater?

Lake sturgeon.

What kind of fish lets you borrow money?

A loan shark

I made my fish listen to an Eminem album...

...now he's Swim Shady.

Old man and fishing

Yesterday I watched an old man fishing in a puddle outside our neighborhood bar. So I invited him in and bought him a beer..I thought I would humor the old man and ask him how many fish had he caught today. The old man replied, "you're the eighth."

What do fish wear on their fins?

Glubs

I read on the news today that a guy caught a fish they thought was extinct...

and now they're *sure*.

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What’s the difference between a piano and a fish?

Your mom’s pussy doesn’t smell like a piano.

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Grandpa and Grandson go fishing

Grampa decides to take his grandson fishing. They put the boat in the water. Row the boat out a little ways. Grandson casts his line and then once grandpa gets the anchor in he casts his line leans back and opens a beer. This is their conversation.

"GrandPa"
"Yes Grandson"
"Can I h...

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A Man says to his wife, get ready, you me and the dog are going fishing.

Wife says I don't want to go. Man gives her 3 choices. Fishing, Blow job or take it up the arse. Wife picks blow job. After sucking for a while she say, your cock taste like shit. He says I know, the dog didn't want to go fishing either.

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Two neighbors are used to fish together

Two neighbors are used to fish together, but John didn't get a single fish while Richard got lots of them. So John was curious about it. Then Richard said: "Well, I have a superstition. You can try also. When your wife is cooking, just stay behind her, hold her tight and touch her boobs. It's what I...

Ole and Sven grabbed their poles and headed out to do some ice fishing

Ole and Sven grabbed their poles and headed out to do some ice fishing. As they were augering a hole in the ice they heard a loud voice from above say, "There are no fish under the ice." Ole and Sven moved about 25 feet over and started to make another hole. The voice said a little stronger, "There ...

I have six goldfish named Major, Minor, Flat Nine, Bebop, Altered, and Blues.

The only way I can tell them apart is by their scales.

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A man goes fishing every Saturday without fail.

He Wakes up Saturday morning at 6 am, gives his wife a kiss and says goodbye, makes a flask of tea and sandwiches and puts his fishing gear into the car, then of he drives to the lake.

One Saturday morning he awakes at 6 am, kisses his wife and says goodbye, makes his tea and sandwiches, pops...

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I almost came up with a fishing joke the other day

Then the bastard got away from me.

Fishes just finished it's box office run

It flopped.

Why are fish never overweight?

Why are fish never overweight? They carry their scales with them.

What happened when a fisherman saw that they spent more on missing fishing equipment than they made selling fish?

They realized a net loss.

TWO men go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment.

The reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. The first day that they go fishing, they don’t catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their holiday, one of the ...

If I make an app for fly fishing

Is that considered a streaming app?

How do you catch a cursor fish?

click bait

A Man Decides to go Ice Fishing

One day, a man decides to go ice fishing. He grabs his gear and heads out onto the ice. Once he finds a suitable spot he cuts a large hole in the ice and sits down.

An hour passes and he still hasn't caught anything. Another hour passes, and then another, and still no fish. Suddenly the man ...

Give a man a Fish..

Give a man a fish, and he won't see you dump the body in the lake.

Teach a man to fish, and he'll be the only one at the crime scene when the police arrive..

What do you call a fish looking for cancer treatment.

Finding chemo.

What's the difference between meat and fish?

If you beat your fish, it dies

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Little Johnny goes fishing

Little Johnny goes fishing with his grandfather out on the lake. While they're fishing, grampa pulls out a tin of chewing tobacco and takes a dip.

"Grampa, can I try that?"

Grampa thinks for a minute, then says "Does your dick reach your asshole?"

"No sir...."

"Then you a...

What kind of sandwich does a fish like to eat?

A “gilled” cheese.

I’m sorry. But a joke is a joke.

What do you call a North Korean fish?

Kim Jong Gill

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Little boy and his grandfather go fishing

Grampy lights a cigar, little boy says Grampy give me a puff. Grampy says son you can have a puff if you can touch your penis to your asshole.
Little boy shrugs it off and opens some cookies.
Grampy asks for a cookie. Little boy says Grampy can you touch your penis to your asshole? Grampy says...

What do you call a fish who is very knowledgeable and enthusiastic about an activity, subject, or pastime?

An aficionado!

You know, if someone makes one more fish pun

I’m gonna krill myself

There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish. He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale."

A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish.
The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish."
The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish.
His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to ...

A guy goes fishing out of season and gets caught

So this guy goes fishing out of season for some delicious endangered fish he read about.
After a long day with no luck he finally snags one on the line. He gets it in the boat and sure enough the fishery officer who was watching from afar puts on his lights and motors his police boat over.
“I...

Three guys out in a fishing boat together got struck by lightning and killed.

When they arrived at the pearly gate St. Peter met them. He approached Joe first and introduced him to a homely woman a said this will be your mate for eternity to fulfill your every need. Joe said ok, but why not a pretty girl? St. Peter got out his book and searched, hmmmm, yes,hmm hmm, ok hum and...

What do fish talk on?

Their shell phone

I tried ordering fishing gear on amazon, but it was a scam

Oh my Rod, it was Click Bait!

When lawyers go fishing, why do they throw back the sharks?

Professional curteousy.

My local coastline has been so overfished that during 30 minutes of snorkeling I saw only a single fish.

It was the sole survivor.

Give a man a fish and you'll feed him for a day

Give a man a head of romaine lettuce and you'll feed him for the rest of his life

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Murphy and Patrick were fishing in the sea

Murphy and Patrick were fishing out at sea when their boat died. They spent two days floating at sea and trying to fix the engine. On the third day Murphy saw a bottle in the water and grabbed it. When he uncorked the bottle a genie came out and told him that he getd one wish. Murphy thought to hims...

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A rich business man goes fishing....

... he has all the newest gear, brand new top quality rods, beautifully handcrafted lures and he sits at the side of the river enjoying his peace. Sadly though after a few hours he still has not caught a single fish. Just as he ponders to retire for the day another man approaches the river not very ...

What did the fish say when it got into masochism?

I'm hooked

Whenever I go out fishing with my girls...

I catch fish really quickly and really well

They say I am the Master-Baiter

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That's how the fight got started...

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I ...

Why was the school of fish so small?

They were all playing hookie

If I were to win the World Fishing Championship

Would I then be the Master Baiter?

Alan takes his wife fishing

On a usual trip he catches 10-15 fish. He's gobsmacked when the pair of them manage a haul of over 100! He decided to enter them both into the local fishing competition.

The day of the competition rolls around, and each of the Anglers take it in turns. The first man is a big beefy lad, and he...

Just been fly fishing

Caught a lovely blue bottle

What country do fish come from?

Fin-land

Why does no one like fish merchants?

Because they selfish.

What do you call a fake koi fish?

A dekoi

What type of military vehicle to fish go to war in?

A fish tank

A boy is selling fish..

A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!"

A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'"

The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a cou...

Q: What do you get when you cross a fish and an elephant?

A: Swimming trunks.

I am a type of fish that becomes SO loud in Sweden. Who am I?

Yellyfish.

(As told by a 10 year old) A white cat goes fishing in the sea and falls in. He’s struggling to stay afloat until a red cat jumps in to save him. What’s the first thing red cat says to white cat?

Meow.

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After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable – an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

<...

My dad and I disagree on the way fish move.

But I don’t see the point in arguing over salmon ticks.

What’s the difference between a lawyer and a cat fish?

One is a slimy bottom feeder and the other one is a fish.

What do you call a fish stuffed with candy?

A fiñata.


^I’m ^sorry

What do you call a fish that can't stop sneezing?

Achoona Fish

The other day I took my Grandma to one of those spas where the little fish eat your dead skin

It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery

I was going fishing with an American friend of mine.

I asked him if he was going to bring his gun.

- No, why would I? - he answered.

- So, schools of fish don't count?

I drew a large picture of a small skinned fish.

It’s not a scale drawing

Ned and Fred Go Fishing

Ned and Fred rent a row boat to go fishing. It costs $20 for five hours to rent the boat. For the first four hours, they row around the lake but find no fish. Finally, at the last hour, they find the prefect spot and catch a lot of fish. Fred tells Ned "Mark this spot so that next time we don't...

if a group of fish is called a school

if one leaves, is he called a drop out?

Why was the hipster fish late to the party?

Because he didn’t take the mainstream.

Studies show that keeping tropical fish at home has a calming effect on your brain.

It’s because of all the indoor fins.

What were the last words of the fish at the AA meeting?

"Hello, I'm the fish and I'm dry."

Why did the fish accept its death after losing its respiratory organs?

Because it lost the gill to live.

Why did the police suspect the fish sold drugs?

Because they noticed he had a lot of small scales with him.

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A young guy from West Virginia moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in West Virginia ." Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and
figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you d...

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So a priest is walking across the market and he hears a fisher yell”DAMN FISH GET YOUR DAMN FISH” so the priest walks up to the fisher and says “you can’t just swear like that you’ll make god angry” on which the fisher replies “this is an misunderstanding these fish were caught at the dam they’re

Dam fish” The priests understands what the fisher means and buys 2 dam fish when he comes home the priest asks his wife “can you cook these dam fish for supper tomorrow”on which the wife replies surprised”dear you’re a priest you can’t just swear like that” on which the priest explains the situation...

A man is illegally fishing

So a man is illegally fishing for 2 hours, at this point he has a bucket full of fish and he’s still fishing, out of nowhere a cop comes in and tells him

“You know you can’t fish here right? It’s illegal, I’m gonna have to arrest you.”

The man hides the pole and replies:

“Oh no...

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