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A priest hooks a huge fish

A priest hooks a huge fish

Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!".

"Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.

Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called, it's a Fucker fish".<...

Two fish are in a tank, one looks at the other and says,

How do you drive this thing?

What kind of bait cannot be used for fishing?

The Answer Will Shock You!

Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day...

Teach a man to fish and you'll never see him on the weekends.

A man with two buckets of fish was leaving a lake well known for its fishing and was stopped by a game warden.

The warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?!" the warden replied.

"Yes, sir. Every night I take these fish down to this lake and let them swim around for about a half-h...

What is the best type of fish?

It’s deBETTAble

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

Fsh.

Al, Ben, and Carl were fishing in the middle of a lake when Al fell overboard.

Ben jumped into the lake to rescue Al. When he finally found Al, he threw the body onto the boat and Carl pulled him up.

As soon as Ben was safely in the boat, he noticed that Al wasn't breathing, so he quickly gave Al mouth-to-mouth.

"Yuck!" said Ben. "I don't remember Al having such ...

Two fish are swimming in a lake.

They run into a concrete wall that blocks their path.

One fish turns to the other and says ‘Dam’.

What did Albert Fish like to get from McDonalds?

The kids meal.

Last night, in bed, my wife asked me to put fresh fish and herbs on her.

I said, "There's a thyme and a plaice for that sort of thing."

An atheist is fishing in a boat on Loch Ness

When all of the sudden, the Loch Ness Monster comes up and begins thrashing his boat around. The monster tosses him into the air. On his way down he shouts "God, help me!"

Everything stops. He is mere feet from the monster's mouth. Then a loud booming voice comes from the heavens and asks:...

What is the best way to prepare fish?

Send them to good schools.

Why do fish form schools, but ants form colonies?

Cause *truants* don't go to school!

(I came up with this right now)

What did the blind man say when he walked past the fish market?

Good morning ladies!

Fishing and girlfriends are exactly alike, there may be plenty of fish in the sea,

but until i find one, i’m stuck here holding my rod

Three gold fish die and go to heaven.

St. Peter is waiting at the gates.
The first gold fish approaches.

St. Peter. "what was your worst sin?"
GF1. "I blew bubbles."
St. Peter. "That's not a sin, come on in."

The second gold fish approaches.

St. Peter. "what was your worst sin?"
GF2. "I also blew bubble...

What do you call 5 fish cut in half?

Tuna half.

Once upon a time a lonely ant met a handsome fish.

Once upon a time a lonely ant met a handsome fish. Despite everyone telling them it was wrong, they fell in love.

One day they eloped and moved into a cottage by a pond. Their only neighbor was Mr. Frog

They lived many happy years together and then something unexpected happened; they h...

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My wife walked in on me while I was watching porn.

In a panic reflex I instantly changed to a random channel, the fishing channel.
As my wife walks out again she says: "you should stay on the porn channel... you know how to fish."

Why do fish live in salt water?

Because pepper makes them sneeze.

Fishing

The parish priest went on a fishing trip.

On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in.

The guide, holding a net, yelled, 'Look at the size of that Son of a B#tch!'

'Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!'

'No, Father, that's...

I made some fish tacos tonight.

But they ignored the tacos and just swam away.

Happy cake day to me!

What do you call a fake koi fish?

A dekoi...

My friend told me I could fish better if I took the worm off the hook.

That was debaitable.

What kind of fish is the most affectionate?

A Cuttlefish

A father had promised his two young sons he would take them on a fishing trip

The boys were digging for fishing bait in their parents' garden. Uncovering a many legged creature, one of the boys proudly dangled it before his Father.

"No, son, he won't do for bait" his Father said. "He's not an earthworm".

"He's not?" the boy asked, his eyes wide. "What planet i...

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What do you get when you cross a DJ with a fish?

A bass dropping the bass.

Guy went for fishing and caught a small fish

He angrily threw the fish into water and said " don't you dare come back again without your parents ".

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Why did the horny fish join the Peace Corps?

He wanted to build some schools.

What did the fish say when he swam into a wall?

Dam.

Two men were out fishing

when one decides to have a smoke He asks the other guy if he has a lighter He replies "Yes I do!" and hands the other a 10 inch long cigarette lighter Surprised the guy asks "Where did you get this?" The guy replies "Oh I have a personal genie." The first man asks "Can I make a wish? " Sure says the...

Why are fish so smart

Because they spend a lot of time hanging out in schools

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A man and a priest go fishing

A man and a priest are out fishing on a boat when the man hooks a large fish. After fighting this fish for several minutes, he pulls it into the boat and joyously exclaims, "Look at that son-of-a-bitch!!!"

The priest replies, "My goodness, what language."

The man thinks quickly, "Ha ha...

A tourist drives along the shore of the Dead Sea and spots a fisherman casting his fishing rod into the water.

The tourist, surprised, stops and explains to the fisherman that no fish can live in the Dead Sea.

The fisherman said “Yes, some do.   For $10, you may sit next to me and I will show you.”

The curious tourist paid the $10 and waited patiently. After an hour, the tourist said: “hey, whe...

During a recent fishing competition in England the fish were so scarce...

...that the prize was given to the competitor who caught the biggest cold.

---

Bonus joke from Henny Youngman:

A man says to another man, ‘Can you tell me how to get to Central Park?’

‘No.’

‘All right, I’ll mug you right here.’

What is it called when you get assaulted by a fish?

Aseasault.

Where does a fish keep its money?

At the riverbank.

Guy 1:"Tell me a bad pun" Guy 2: "Alright What’s the difference between a tuna fish, a piano and a tube of glue" Guy 1: "Ok that last one was random as heck what is the difference"

Guy 2: " you can tuna a piano, but you can’t piano a tuna" Guy 1: "Ok where does the glue come in" Guy 2: “Ah i knew you’d get stuck on that”

There was a fish who wanted to be a broadcaster

He went on air

And he died

I saw a movie about fishing last night...

The cast was pretty great

My ex could season a fish like no other.

I miss my Old Bay.

A fishing day

Once upon a time, a guy went to the river in order to enjoy nature and to do some fishing. When he was there he found out that he had forget the baits so he took a paper and wrote " lure " on it ,he put it on the hook and he had a sit waiting for a prey. After a while, he felt a move from the thread...

Did You Hear About The Preist That Was A Fish?

Holy Carp! There he is

Herman Himmelman wanted to try fishing

It didn't go very well, for a week he went to the lake every day and didn't catch a single fish. Not willing to endure another evening of jokes pointed at him, on the way home he stops at the local grocery store and asks the store clerk and points at the water tank in the corner
"Hey, could you p...

Why can't blind people eat fish?

Because it's sea food.

Where do fish go shopping for explosives?

The Sea-Floorium

(Yes, I am a dad)

What do fish do to pass the time?

Play cod games

I own a fish that can talk.

I asked him, "What lights up your night?"

He said "Blub".


Sorry, he's a bit dyslexic.

A man has been out fishing by the lake...

...all day and hasn’€™t caught anything. He decides to just give up and call it a day, but on his way he notices a young boy fishing few feet away from him. The man immediately notices the kid has several buckets full of fish, then witnesses him reeling in yet another one.

“Excuse me”, the ma...

I'm running out of things to watch on TV. I just finished a movie about five families of fish competing for control of the reef...

It was called "The Codfather".

If grass is to cows what fish is to cats, then what are donations to twitch cam girls?

Food for thot.

Give a man a fish and he eats for a day.

Teach a man to fish and he eats for a lifetime.

Give a man a duck and he eats for a day.

Teach a man to duck and he avoids low flying objects!

How do you tuna fish?

You raise or lower the scales

What do you call a fish that murdered someone?

Gill-ty

Don’t know why my fishing buddy is worried about getting the corona virus

He never catches anything!

What kind of STD's do fish get?

Merm-aids

Teach a Redditor to Fish

Teach a Redditor to fish, and he’ll catch it, photoshop the mouth, and post it in DontPutYourDickInIt

Ole and Sven grabbed their poles and headed out to do some ice fishing.

As they were augering a hole in the ice they heard a loud voice from above say, "There are no fish under the ice." Ole and Sven moved about 25 feet over and started to make another hole. The voice said a little stronger, "There are no fish under the ice." They both looked around and then looked up. ...

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Fishing

Four married blokes go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:

First bloke: 'You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend.'

Second bloke: 'That is n...

Two fish were swimming together in the river.

Suddenly, they swam headfirst into a concrete wall.

One fish turned to the other and said, "Damn."

(From my 9 year-old son) What type of fish should you use to catch other fish?

Bait-a fish.

What's the difference between meat and fish?

If you beat your fish, it dies!

In some places, line fishing is decreasing in popularity.

In other places, it’s becoming more common. But there’s been a net decrease.

There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish. He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale."

A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish.
The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish."
The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish.
His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to ...

What kind of a fish is made of only two sodium atoms

2 Na

I recently attended a catch and release fishing party...

...the music was ok, but the food was off the hook.

As a blind man, I've a hard time eating fish..

I can't seafood..

My kids have been wanting a Beta fish

So we went to the pet store, but they told us it was stuck in development. .... I’ll see myself out

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Went to a pet shop today to buy a fish

The lady said do you want a aquarium why the fuck do I need to know it’s star sign

John goes fishing on a lake in America where it's usually illegal to go fishing.

He just filled up the bucket when he suddenly gets approached by a police officer.

"Mr. John, it's illegal to fish here" said the police officer "I'm going to have to fine you".

"You don't understand" said John "These are my fish."

The police officer is puzzled by this.

...

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A man’s wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes, so he walks down to the store only to find it closed.

So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her.

They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.

After they’ve had their fun, he realizes its 3 a.m. and says, “Oh no, it...

Trying new things, decided to try to smoke a fish this weekend...

Just couldn't figure out which end to light!

Pete is walking down the harbour and sees 2 fishermen. He always wanted to have a go at fishing so he goes up to them to ask.

Pete has a stutter though so he goes " h-he-hello guys would y-you you mind if i come f-f-fi-fishing with you?"
They look at eachother and decide that "yes you can come, but be quiet, we don't want you to scare away the fish". So pete all happy gets in the boat and they go out into the sea.
A...

Why can't we play Go Fish?

Because we are under quarantine and can't go anywhere.

Graduate degree fishing

So there’s a guy who wants a graduate degree, but he’s not sure what he wants to study. He remembers a time in his youth where he learned about all different types of fish and things used to catch fish. That memory intrigued him. So he started looking into marine biology, but thought, nah that’s not...

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A hungry fish spots a fly sitting on the bank of the river.

The fish really wants the fly to come closer to the edge of the water, so he can jump up and eat him.

Meanwhile, there's a fisherman a few feet downstream. He sitting on a little stool, eating a cheese sandwich, and wishing that the fly would drop down about 4 inches so the fish would catch a...

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Have you heard about the new Japanese-Jamaican raw fish dish?

It's just pokemon...

I once had a pet fish that could breakdance on the carpet

He died doing what he loved

What do you call it when a fish makes it to the ocean?

Afishinsea

With the threat of the new coralvirus, who did the fish put in charge of finding a cure?

The Sturgeon General

How many Amazonian fish does it take to kill a Frozen character?

Just one per Anna.

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't ...

A traveler stopped at a monastery and they invited him to stay for a delicious dinner of fish and chips.

After dinner he went in the kitchen and asked a guy "Are you the fish friar?" and the guy said "No I'm the chip monk."

How does an old timey 1930s era gangster threaten a jelly fish?

"You're see, through!"

What’s the difference between a piano, fish and a glue stick?

You can’t tune a glue stick.

I saw this fisherman lose an absolutely epic fish and he started crying inconsolably.

I told him "Never mind, mate. Plenty more women on the land".

I just started reading fishing jokes

Now I’m hooked.

I made my fish listen to an Eminem album...

...now he's Swim Shady.

What do you call a fish looking for cancer treatment.

Finding chemo.

“Poor old fool.” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”

The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”

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What’s the difference between a piano and a fish?

Your mom’s pussy doesn’t smell like a piano.

A blind man is walking down the street through a fish market.

At one point he stops, takes a big whiff, and says “Good morning ladies!”

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God is walking through the Garden of Eden one morning, when he sees Adam sitting by himself, grinning from ear to ear.

God says to Adam, "you're looking very happy this morning! Has something good happened?"

"Oh yes" Adam replies. "This morning we found out why I have a penis and Eve has a vagina! It was *awesome*. We're going to call it 'sex'!"

God is shocked. "Adam, what you have done is a sin! You a...

What do you call a fish that performs surgery in freshwater?

Lake sturgeon.

A man walks into a bar and sits next to a guy with a very small head

After having a couple drinks the man asks the other guy, "hey, I don't mean to be rude, but how is it you have such a small head?"

The guy replies, "well it's a bitter sweet story. You see when I was in the war my plane got shot down in the Pacific. I parachuted out and ended up on a deserted...

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A Man says to his wife, get ready, you me and the dog are going fishing.

Wife says I don't want to go. Man gives her 3 choices. Fishing, Blow job or take it up the arse. Wife picks blow job. After sucking for a while she say, your cock taste like shit. He says I know, the dog didn't want to go fishing either.

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