How do fish get high? (I'm so sorry)

SEAWEED!!

​

(*forgive me*)

What do you call a fish stuck in a tree?

A fish stick!

My 4 year olds first joke.

Fish story

A redneck with a bucket full of live fish, was approached recently by a game warden in Texas as he started to drive his boat away from a lake. The game warden asked the man, "May I see your fishing license please?" "Naw, sir," replied the redneck. "I don't need none of them there papers. These here ...

With relationships, they say there's plenty of fish in the sea...

But I'm just stuck here holding my rod

What do fish use in wars?

A fish tank

what do you call a plastic fish?

artifishal!!

Two fish are swimming in a river when they both run into a brick wall...

One looks at the other and says "dam"

I called my wife and told her that I will pick up Fish and Chips on the way from work, she didn't respond.

She is still mad about the names I gave our kids.

Two fish are in a barrel.

One turns to the other and asks, "How did we fit in this gun"?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My parents were fish

My parents were both fish, but my dad left before I was born. Guess that makes me a bass-turd.



I'll go ahead and leave now.

What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?

DAM

If you give a man a fish, he eats for a day.

If you give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
If you teach a man to fish, he can always eat.
If you give a man a fire, he's warm for a day.
If you light a man on fire, he is warm for the rest of his life.

Why did the fish refuse to play basketball?

He was afraid of the net.

The other day I took my grandad to one of those fish spas where the little fish eat your dead skin.

It was way cheaper than having him buried in the cemetery.

Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day.

Teach a man how to phish, and he'll probably become a Nigerian Prince.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A fishing man catches a golden fish and sets him free

The thankful fish grants the kind man three wishes, but adds that whatever the man wishes for, his arch enemy gets the double amout of it.
"OK, I wish that I had 10 million Dollars!"
"Here we go!" the fish answers. "But your arch enemy has now 20 million Dollars."
"I wish I had 20 female at...

Star Fish have an eye on the end of each leg

meaning all their treats are eye-candy

Why do fish do bad in school?

They are below the C level

My friend is making a lot of money by selling photos of salmon dressed up in human clothes...

It’s like shooting fish in apparel...

A pastors wife goes to the fish market

She’s looking to make fillets for dinner and asks the guy behind the counter for a suggestion.

“I’d recommend this right here, ma’am. It’s new to the market.”

“What kind of fish is it?” She asks.

“It’s dam fish, ma’am.”

The pastors wife abruptly says. “How dare you use th...

What do fish smoke?

Seaweed.

How did the fish get high?

He’s got a connection for really good seaweed.

I identify as an elongated fish.

People say I'm mentally eel.

What do you get if you cross an elephant and a fish?

Swimming trunks.

What did the shark say when he ate the clown-fish?

This taste a little funny.

I phoned my wife earlier and asked her if she wanted me to pick up fish and chips on my way home from work but she just grunted at me.

I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.

Give a man a fish and you will feed him for a day.

Teach a man to fish and he will spend hundreds of dollars on equipment he will
use twice a year

You are now fish!

Catholics don't eat meat during the 40 days of lent. Now it so happened a Muslim carpenter moved into a catholic area. Now this guy loved his barbeque and he'd be out in his garden almost daily to enjoy his afternoon feast. Now lent started and the smoky smell wafting from his garden had many people...

Give a robot a fish, feed him for a day.

Teach a robot to fish, feed him for a lifetime.

​

Teach a robot to teach other robots to fish, you're out of a job.

Whats the difference between meat and fish?

If you beat your fish it dies.

A fisherman took his boat far out to sea. He hooked a huge fish, and fought it for hours.

Unfortunately, as he wasn’t strapped into his seat, he was yanked overboard, and began to drown. Suddenly, he was rescued and brought back to his boat by a pair of dolphins. Without thinking, the fisherman thanked them.
They replied, “You’re welcome!” Aghast, the fisherman said, “You can talk! Th...

Dating is a lot like fishing...

Sure there's lots of fish in the ocean, but until I catch one, I'm just stuck here holding my rod.

What did the fish say when the river stopped flowing

Gosh dam it

A man walks Into a library and asks “can I have some fish and chips please?” The librarian replies “sir, this is a library”

“Oh sorry!”
*whispers* “can I have some fish and chips?”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A priest hooks a huge fish

A priest hooks a huge fish

Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!".

"Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.

Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called, it's a Fucker fish".<...

Why don’t fish pass their exams?

Because they work below C-Level.

How do you keep a fish from smelling?

Cut off its nose.

Badumtisss. Thanks dad.

Earlier today I saw a fish in a hospital waiting room going up to people and giving them medical advice.

I said "Oi fish, stop that, what do you think you're doing?!"

He said "Don't worry about it, it's ok... I'm the Sturgeon General".

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A fish sees a fly over the river.

The fish says “oh boy, if only that fly would drop six inches then I could catch it and have a great meal.” Little did the fish know, a bear was slowly creeping up on the riverbed and saw the fish watching the fly. The bear said “oh boy, if only that fly would drop six inches so that fish would jump...

Where do spanish fish live?

In the sí

Where do fish go to withdraw money

The Loan shark

A Man Walks Into A French Restaurant And Orders Fish...

The waiter brings out his order and the man begins to eat it. After about fifteen minutes, the man keels over and dies. The waiter, panicking, calls the paramedics. When they arrive, they examine the body of the deceased man.

"Well?" asks the concerned waiter "What killed this poor man?"
<...

I was going to make a joke about herbs and fish...

But this is neither the plaice nor the thyme to do so.

A penguin grows tired of winters in Alaska, so

... he buys a used Corvette and heads southbound for California for warmer climates.

After driving about 800 miles, he hears a bad noise coming from the engine. He sees an auto repair shop in a small town and decides to pull in. The penguin explains the problem to the mechanic and he is told...

There are plenty of fish in the sea.

But fishing rods, hooks, and bait are so damn expensive.

A boy is selling fish on a corner.

To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her...

I've been recently obsessed with the band Fish

They're having a few shows, I'm hoping to catch a live one!

A fish made from two sodium molecules

Two-Na

Don’t eat French fish

It’s poisson.

Yesterday evening i had fish for dinner,

When i was rudely asked to leave petsmart.

Two tuna fish passing by a submarine. Big Tuna Mommy says:

Don’t be scared little Tuna, these are canned humans.

-I read this joke when I was five. I still think it’s funny. -

Do you know what it's like to be a fish?

I don't, but Alaska Salmon.

If single life is hard don't worry, there are plenty of fish in the sea.

You just have to weave through all the plastic

What do you call it when you have a fish on the line but it gets away?

Herring Loss.


Alternatively:

Q: Why was it so difficult for the old man to reel in his fish?



A: He was hard of herring.



Q: How can fish just ignore you completely?


A: They just tuna you out.



Q: Why is Timmy afraid to go ou...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I've had my goldfish for a year now and it still hasn't learned how to use the litterbox

i think it might be retarded

What kind of fish is made of only two atoms?

2 Na

Why do fish live in salt water?

Because pepper water would make them sneeze

Why can't a fish play jump rope?

It keeps getting caught on the line.

What do you call a human/fish hybrid made of rubber ?

An Elastomer-maid!

What is a profane chef's least favorite fish to work with?

Cod, dammit.

What do you call an amateur expert on fish?

A fishionado

I had a gold fish who could break dance on a carpet.

... for 20 seconds.

... And only once.

Did you hear about the fight in the fish and chip shop?

The fish got battered

Give a man a fish

And he will be back hungry tomorrow.

Teach a man to fish and he becomes your competition.

Cut him up into little bits and he becomes your chum.

Where do fast food places get those square fish for the filet-o-fish sandwiches?

From the asquarium.

Where do fish store their money?

In a river bank

I've got an amazing joke about a group of people obsessed with fish food!

Cliquebait.

The fish and chip shop near me has gone into liquidation

Now the owner is stuck between a rock and a hard plaice

My teacher didn't believe me when I said I had 36 pets so I showed her a picture of my fish tank.

She freaked out when she saw how many dogs I could fit in there.

I tell people I don't have a favourite fish,

... but really it's a red herring.

If I had two fish I’d name them one and two...

Because if one died, I’d still have two!

Just got a new tank for my fish...

Unfortunately none of them could drive it

A fish walks into a bar

The bartender asks, “How did you do that?”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There was once a fish in the stream who was looking up at a fly...

...the fish thought, “boy if that fly drops 6 inches, I would have myself a nice meal.”
Meanwhile, there is a bear sitting behind a tree, looking at the fish who was looking at the fly. The bear is thinking, “boy if that fly drops 6 inches and that fish goes up to get it, I’ll go grab that fish ...

I have a theory that if something works optimally, it HAS to be inside a fish.

Everything that's outside a fish wouldn't work the way it should, because it's inafishn't.

What do you call a fish that lives in the greatest depths of the ocean?

Mega-low-don.

I looked into the ocean and saw two fish happily swimming, I thought

Water good time they are having