There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish. He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale."

A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish.
The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish."
The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish.
His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to ...

The other day I took my Grandma to one of those spas where the little fish eat your dead skin

It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery

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So a priest is walking across the market and he hears a fisher yell”DAMN FISH GET YOUR DAMN FISH” so the priest walks up to the fisher and says “you can’t just swear like that you’ll make god angry” on which the fisher replies “this is an misunderstanding these fish were caught at the dam they’re

Dam fish” The priests understands what the fisher means and buys 2 dam fish when he comes home the priest asks his wife “can you cook these dam fish for supper tomorrow”on which the wife replies surprised”dear you’re a priest you can’t just swear like that” on which the priest explains the situation...

If you can think of a better fish pun..

let minnow.

Give a man a fish, and you’ll feed him for a day ...

Give a man a poisoned fish, and you’ll feed him for a lifetime!

Maybe the phrase shooting fish in a barrel comes from Americans...

Because fish swim in schools.

What do you call a fish with cancer?

Finding chemo

Why did the fish swim across the Atlantic?

To get to the other tide.

As a blind man, I have a hard time eating fish.

I can't seafood.

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Apparently, 29% of pet owners let their pet sleep on the bed with them, so I gave it a try...

...my fucking goldfish died.

What happens when fish start an addiction to worms?

They get hooked.

Two goldfish are sitting in a tank...

One goldfish looks at the other and says: "Hey man, how the hell do you drive this thing?"

A blind man went to a fish market...

Hello ladies!

The Pope, Jesus, and an old man are playing golf.

The pope crosses himself, blesses the ball, and swings. He drives the ball 600 miles. He bows his head and gives thanks for the amazing drive.


Jesus steps up to take his shot, I holds his hand in the air, creating a tailwind, and takes a swing. He drives the ball 900 miles.


T...

Why do fish swim in salt water?

Because pepper makes them sneeze.

A boy is selling fish on a corner.

To get his customers’ attention, he is yelling, “Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!” A pastor hears this and asks, “Why are you calling them ‘dam fish.'” The boy responds, “Because I caught these fish at the local dam.”

The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and a...

An old man always leaves his fishing trips with tons of fish.

-my recently deceased grandpa told this all his life-


The game warden always asked him “How’d you catch so many fish?”

The old man would always say “Fisherman’s secret, can’t tell you.”

After about a year of asking, the old man finally agrees to take him fishing. As the two ...

Why do Americans take a gun while they go fishing ?

Cause groups of fish are called schools

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A fish was watching a fly and thought ‘if that fly drops 6 inches, I’ll jump out of this river, catch it, and have a really nice meal’.

What the fish didn’t know was that there was a bear watching from a distance. The bear thought to himself ‘if that fly drops six inches and that fish jumps out to get it, I’ll catch the fish and have a really nice meal.’

What the bear didn’t know was that there was a hunter eating a sandwich ...

What do you get when you cross a fish with an elephant

Swimming trunks

I went to pike's market to buy some fresh fish.

Me: can I get a plastic bag for the fish please?

Cashier: it's already inside.

What’s the difference between a bench, a fish, and a bucket of glue?

You can’t tune a bench but you can tuna fish! I bet you got stuck on the bucket of glue part.

What did the fish say when it swam into the wall?

Damn.

What did the fisherman say to the magician?

Pick a cod, any cod.

Theres a live fish in a restaurant

Upon accepting his fate ge says to the chef in defeat "Fillet me to rest."


(i think i made it up myself could use some work probably)

Why are musicians afraid of fish?

They have thousands of scales.

What do you call a fish rapper?

Swim Shady.

I was having fish and chips with my grandad, and we brought a bottle of ketchup, which was nearly finished.

He said: ‘It hasn’t got much left, so we might as well bin it.’

‘But, Grandad, you haven’t got much left and we still keep you.’

What do you call a fish stuck in a tree?

A fish stick!

My 4 year olds first joke.

A fish swims and hits a concrete wall,

"Dam," yelled the fish.

How do fish get high? (I'm so sorry)

SEAWEED!!



(*forgive me*)

What do you call a small group of small fish?

A miniscule minnow mini school.

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In Pennsylvania, you legally cannot catch a fish with your mouth...

...but that doesn’t stop me from eating pussy.

With relationships, they say there's plenty of fish in the sea...

But I'm just stuck here holding my rod

3 fish are arrested and questioned by an officer

The officer brings the first fish in for questioning. He asks, "Alright, what's your name?" To which the first fish responds, "Fish". "Okay, Fish," the officer replies. "Can you tell me what the hell you were doing in the public fountain??" The first fish smiles and says, "I was blowing bubbles, sir...

What do you call a three eyed fish?

A fiiish

Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day.

Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

D’ya hear about the annoyed shell fish...

a proper frustracean.

A fish is efficient

But a whale is a fishn't

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So two people are discussing logic..

One of them asks what logic is an the other one explains:
A_”So, you have a fish tank?”
B_”Yeah”
A_”So you like fish and water?”
B_”Yes”
A_”Where else can we find fishes and water together?”
B_”The sea!”
A_”Yes. And you also like beaches considering how close they are to sea”...

Every time my wife asks whether the kids want fish fingers

I have to respond by saying "I didn't even know fish had fingers". I try to stop but I just can't.

Fish story

A redneck with a bucket full of live fish, was approached recently by a game warden in Texas as he started to drive his boat away from a lake. The game warden asked the man, "May I see your fishing license please?" "Naw, sir," replied the redneck. "I don't need none of them there papers. These here ...

Perogies are like fish

You put them in the water and they float to the top when the're finished

A puffer fish went to a surgeon because his puffer mechanism wasn’t working right.

When he got back he talked with his fish friends for a bit.

They asked him, “How did your surgery go? Did they fix your puffer?”

He replied, “It went *swell*.”

A blonde was going ice fishing. When she drilled the first hole she heard a voice “there’s no fish under the ice!” So she stood up and found a new spot. As she drilled the second hole she heard the voice again “there’s no fish under the ice!!” So the blonde responded with a shiver “god is that you?”

“No mam I’m the janitor of this ice rink”

Give a man a fish and you will feed him for a day.

Teach a man to fish and he will spend hundreds of dollars on equipment he will
use twice a year

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Fish marriage aid

What does a pair of married fish use to help their ailing sex life?



a "gill-do"

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Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day...

Give a man a fishing rod and he'll pretend it's a massive penis.

I started a new diet; I eat fish for breakfast.

My wife doesn't like me talking about it.

Lady Gaga once dated a fish

He felt that the relationship was abusive.



He was a cod in a bad romance.

Did you hear about the two fish in the tank?

One drove and the other one controlled the big gun

If you give a man a fish, he eats for a day.

If you give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
If you teach a man to fish, he can always eat.
If you give a man a fire, he's warm for a day.
If you light a man on fire, he is warm for the rest of his life.

I met Jesus while walking on a dusty road, he pulled out some bread and fish. Then some red wine.

At that point I knew the guy wasn't legit because white wine goes a lot better with fish than red does. Rookie mistake.

All my wife's chickens and fish go to heaven.

Because she cooks the hell out of them.

What’s Michael Jackson’s favorite fish?

Ahi-hi Tuna!

A gold fish swims into a bar

"Pour me a coke" he asks the bartender. "Anything else?" He asks? "Pour me a coke" he asks the bartender. "Anything else?" He asks? "Pour me a coke" he asks the bartender....

What do you call a fish that 3.14 inches long?

πrahna

Two fish are swimming in a river when they both run into a brick wall...

One looks at the other and says "dam"

I called my wife and told her that I will pick up Fish and Chips on the way from work, she didn't respond.

She is still mad about the names I gave our kids.

A pastors wife goes to the fish market

She’s looking to make fillets for dinner and asks the guy behind the counter for a suggestion.

“I’d recommend this right here, ma’am. It’s new to the market.”

“What kind of fish is it?” She asks.

“It’s dam fish, ma’am.”

The pastors wife abruptly says. “How dare you use th...

Where do you go to eat the freshest fish?

The aquari-yum

I identify as an elongated fish.

People say I'm mentally eel.

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A priest hooks a huge fish

A priest hooks a huge fish

Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!".

"Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.

Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called, it's a Fucker fish".<...

What do pimps and fisherman all have in common?

They all use hookers

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A fishing man catches a golden fish and sets him free

The thankful fish grants the kind man three wishes, but adds that whatever the man wishes for, his arch enemy gets the double amout of it.
"OK, I wish that I had 10 million Dollars!"
"Here we go!" the fish answers. "But your arch enemy has now 20 million Dollars."
"I wish I had 20 female at...

My friend is making a lot of money by selling photos of salmon dressed up in human clothes...

It’s like shooting fish in apparel...

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My parents were fish

My parents were both fish, but my dad left before I was born. Guess that makes me a bass-turd.



I'll go ahead and leave now.

Dating is a lot like fishing...

Sure there's lots of fish in the ocean, but until I catch one, I'm just stuck here holding my rod.

Why do fish do bad in school?

They are below the C level

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Why was the fish drunk?

Too much cocktail sauce.

I phoned my wife earlier and asked her if she wanted me to pick up fish and chips on my way home from work but she just grunted at me.

I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.

Why did the fish refuse to play basketball?

He was afraid of the net.

A fisherman took his boat far out to sea. He hooked a huge fish, and fought it for hours.

Unfortunately, as he wasn’t strapped into his seat, he was yanked overboard, and began to drown. Suddenly, he was rescued and brought back to his boat by a pair of dolphins. Without thinking, the fisherman thanked them.
They replied, “You’re welcome!” Aghast, the fisherman said, “You can talk! Th...

You are now fish!

Catholics don't eat meat during the 40 days of lent. Now it so happened a Muslim carpenter moved into a catholic area. Now this guy loved his barbeque and he'd be out in his garden almost daily to enjoy his afternoon feast. Now lent started and the smoky smell wafting from his garden had many people...

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