UPJOKE
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There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish. He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale."

A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish.
The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish."
The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish.
His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to ...

Give a Man a Fish and You Will Feed Him for a Day.

Teach a man to fish and he will spend a fortune on gear he will only use twice a year.

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A priest hooks a huge fish

A priest hooks a huge fish

Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!".

"Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.

Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called, it's a Fucker fish".<...

What did the Dried Fish say to the other Dried Fish?

Long time no Sea.

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Fishing or Sex?

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place.

The first guy says:

"You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

The second g...

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A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam."

The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish.
The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way."
He explains to her why they are dam fish.
Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the da...

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A priest enters a fish market.

When he asks what the man behind the counter recommends, the man brings out a large fish. "My goodness!" The priest exclaims. "That fish is huge!" "Yeah." The man replies. "It's a big son of a bitch." The priest says "Sir. Please mind your language." Thinking quickly, the man says "Oh. No. The name ...

Dating is a lot like fishing...

Sure there is plenty of fish in the sea, but until I catch one, I am just stuck here holding my rod.

Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says

"Okay, you man the guns. I'll drive."

A German, a Frenchman and an Englishman go fishing...

They fish quite happily for a while until the German catches a huge golden fish, but as he pulls it off the hook it says "Please don't kill me! Spare my life and I'll grant you all a wish!"

The German throws the fish back and says "I wish for a mug of beer that will never empty", and immediat...

Have you ever seen a fish bowl?

Have you ever seen…

…a barn dance?
…a fire escape?

Please help. When I was a kid I had a large joke book that I loved to read over and over. One page had a pretty long list of this type of joke (where the end could be read as a “noun verb” instead of a “noun”). Now that book is long...

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Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years.

Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do. Two days later the three mates get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, an...

Fishing……

Steve and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip.

Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him.

After a lot of teasing and name calling, Steve headed home frustrated.

The following week when ...

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3 priests are out fishing on a boat..

One of them says "We should confess our sins to one another."

The first one says "I have a gambling problem, I sneak out at night and gamble away all my money..

The second one says "I have an addiction to porn and can't stop looking at it."

The third one says "I am a gossip and ...

Did you know that koi fish will travel in groups of 4 for safety?

>!When in danger, kois A, B, and C will flee and escape, leaving behind the Decoy.!<

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Jesus Christ fed 2,000 people with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish

But Hitler made 6,000,000 jews toast

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

Fsh.

Why do koi fish travel in groups of four?

To protect the group from predators. When attacked, kois A, B, and C will go in one direction. The fourth one is the D koi.

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The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his Deckhand, so they sent an agent to investigate him.

IRS AGENT: “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."

Boat Owner: “Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does abou...

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How to determine sex of aquarium fish?

Easy. Give it some food. If he eats it, then it's a male, if she eats it, then it's a female.

what kind of fish is made up of 2 atoms only?

2Na

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing

when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both.

As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, “Oh, my God! Please help me!”

At once, the ferocious attack sc...

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Fishing with grandad

A boy and his grandpa went out fishing one day. After a while of fishing, the grandpa pulled out a cigarette. Curious, the boy asked, whats that grandpa? Lighting it up and taking a deep drag and exhaling, the grandpa says, boy, this here is a cigarette. Can I have one too grandpa? The boy asked. We...

I bought a new fish

For my ornamental pond but as soon as I put the fish in the water he hid behind a rock. Fine I thought probably take a few days till he's used to the pond. After a week he was still hiding behind the rock. So I rang the pet shop and explained to the pet shop owner what was happening. He asked me whi...

Koi fish are incredibly intelligent, and naturally form groups of four fish, with each having a specialized role.

The group is always led by a “leader fish”, called koi A. The other three fish will follow it everywhere.

Koi B is in charge of hunting for the group, and will report back to them with the location of food.

Koi C is usually a large, aggressive female. She protects the group from thre...

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Man wants to go fishing

A man says to his wife, “Hey honey, get out of bed. You, the dog, and I are going fishing.”

The wife says “I don’t want to go fishing.”

So the man gives his wife an ultimatum, “You either; come fishing, take it up the ass, or give me a blowjob.”

The wife chooses a blowjob..
...

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Father and little boy go fishing

After an hour fishing, dad cracks open a beer. Little boy looks up at his dad with wonder and asks for a sip. Dad says "Well Son, that depends. Can your dick reach your asshole?"


Little boy says "No."


Dad tells him "Some day it will. That's the day you can have a beer." And...

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two guys go fishing every weekend. one weekend one of them doesn't show up.

The next weekend when he shows up they load up the boat go out in the middle of lake and start fishing. One fisherman turns the other one and says "hey buddy what happened to you last week?"

The fisherman shrugs and says "I got married and went on my honeymoon"

The first fisherman look...

After watching Finding Nemo, a man runs out to the pet store and buys a clown fish

He brings the fish home and puts it into the tank, but after a few days notices that it doesn't seem at all settled in its new home.


He remembers that in Finding Nemo, the clownfish live in an anemone, so he returns to the pet store and asks the clerk if they have any for sale. The cler...

Fishermen hate him- You won't believe the one item he uses to catch more fish than anyone else

Click bait.

I phoned the wife earlier and asked if she wanted me to pick up Fish and Chips on the way home, but she just grunted at me.

I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.

My teacher didn't believe me when I said I had 36 pets so I showed her a picture of my fish tank.

She freaked out when she saw how many dogs I could fit in there.

A man is caught fishing illegally for lobsters.

A man is caught fishing illegally for lobsters.

He has two in his boat when the police approach him.

The man claims he's not poaching them and they are his pet lobsters, he's just taking them for a swim.

"I let them play in the water for a few minutes but when I whistle they ...

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A young boy and his grandfather are out fishing one day

When the grandfather pulls a beer out of the esky. The little boy asks, "Grandad, can I have a sip of your beer?" The grandfather replies, "can your dick touch your arse?" The little boy says no. So the Grandfather says "Then you can't have any beer"

A little later the grandfather lights up a...

A long time ago there was a fishing village...

In this fishing village, they worshipped the sea. They did everything on the ocean--they lived in huts on the beach or over the water, they were always fishing, cultivating, and harvesting from the ocean. They also had this custom where they would name their kids based off of how they interacted wit...

I took my grandma to one of those fish spa's where the fish eat your dead skin

Sooooo much cheaper than burying her in the cemetery.

I told the waiter my fish was dry.

The waiter said they had to take it out of the water.

2 men go fishing, One has a stutter

The man with a stutter says “shh ssshhh sshh”. The other man says “what is it, did you catch a fish”? The stuttering man continues to make ssshhh noises, the other man says “spit it out”. The stuttering man says “ssshhh ship!!” Before the 2nd man can react a ship crashes into their boat.

M...

One fish, two fish, red fish, dead fish.

Turbines, am I right?

A man gets stopped by a game warden with his basket full of fish.

Warden: do you have a permit for all these fish?

Man: no sir. These are all my pet fish

Warden: your pet fish? How’s that?

Man: well, every night I take all my pet fish for a walk to the lake, I let them swim for about a half hour, and then I whistle and they all come back and j...

A fish walks into a bar

It took him 395 million years.

My grandfather told me this one not long before he died

A man is in his boat out on the lake with a bucket full of fish that he had just caught. A wildlife officer spots him and pulls his boat up alongside. Seeing the bucket of fish in the man's boat, the wildlife officer asks to see his fishing license.

The man tells the officer that he doesn't n...

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- Dad, are mermaids fish or women?

-It depends on if you are horny or hungry.

Where do the fish keep their money?

In the river bank

Bill Gates Goes Fishing

Bill Gates goes fishing. Suddenly his fishing pole starts to jiggle, he quickly pulls it and see a gold fish hanging on it's edge.

"WAIT! PLEASE DON'T EAT ME!" the fish screams.

Bill answers: "oh wow, a talking fish! That's amazing! There you go little guy, I was going to release you a...

A Sargent in the army is out fishing with a navy sailor

A big gust of wind hits their small boat, and it capsizes. The Sargent starts to swim to shore, but he notices his friend is sinking and panicking in the water, so swims back, and pulls him to safety.

“Please don’t tell anyone about this.” The sailor says, “If people found out I can’t swim I’...

What do u call a fish with a bow tie?

So*fish*ticated

Police officer: sir, you can’t fish here

Man: I’m not fishing, I’m teaching my pet worms how to swim.

What do you call a girl who catches fish?

Anette.

^^^^Just^thought^of^this^i'm^sorry^it's^bad..



Edit: Wow, front page of /r/jokes I finally did it!

Edit 2: Thanks everyone, this is my highest up-voted post ever!

Why did the fish blush?

Because it saw the ocean's bottom!

What do you call 5 fish cut in half?

Tuna half.

How do fish get high?

Seaweed

what kind of fish works in a hospital?

A sturgeon

When I was younger I had a job baiting fish hooks down the docks.

I started off as an apprentice but by the time I left I was a Master baiter.

Where do the smart fish hang out?

A think tank.

Where do the smart fishermen catch em from?

A scholar ship.

I made some fish tacos last night but...

...they just ignored them and swam away.

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Jesus and Moses go Fishing

Jesus and Moses are sitting by a riverbank, fishing, and shooting the shit about the good ol' days.

Moses says, "I had a few great days, but I have to say, that day I parted the Red Sea was the best of them. Man, that was spectacular! You should have seen the look on everyone's faces." ...

What do you call a fish stuck in a tree?

A fish stick!

My 4 year olds first joke.

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Fishing channel or porn channel?

A married couple are laying in bed, flipping through channels while the decide what to watch. The husband has the remote, and he is constantly flipping through the fishing channel and the porn channel. Eventually, the wife makes the decision.

"Look, you can just leave it on the porn channel,"...

What do you call a Viking who can't catch fish?

.
.
.
.
.
.
-A cod-less heathen.

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Went to the aquarium today. It was beautiful but only had one fish.

Pretty crappie place. Note a sole there.

What do you call a fish wearing a suit?

Sofishticated.

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What is the favourite musical instrument for a couple of fish?

The double bass. This joke was made up by my 7yo daughter on the way home from school.

What do you call a fish that absolutely loves washing itself?

Cod in a bath romance

What did the fish say when it hit the wall?

Dam

I went fishing this morning, but after a short time I ran out of worms...

Then, out of the corner of my eye, I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. "Frogs are good bass bait," I thought to myself. Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket. Just then, I realized I h...

A Russian comes home after fishing trip

A Russian comes home after fishing trip and hears the news that Russia is at war. He asks another Russian what is going on, and he tells him:

"We are at war with NATO!"

"Oh wow, how many troops have been lost?"

"Well, we have lost 45,000 troops, almost 2000 tanks, a thousand art...

I can't tell if this fish is lying .....

They're so koi nowadays!

Our local fish market ranks their catches on how rare they are

I noticed today that they had rare salmon. It definitely isn’t common plaice!

Due to an increase in popularity, koi farmers are discovering an increase in counterfeit fish.

They’ve begun using a lettered grading scale:

As are the most rare of purebred koi’s

Bs are the more common variety purebred koi’s

Cs are mix/hybrid koi’s

Everything else are D koi’s

what do you call a fish who's all dressed up?

So-Fish-Ticated

What kind of wreaths do fish hang on their doors?

Coral wreaths

Today I'm making fish cakes covered in bread crumbs.

It will be a challenge because I've never been covered in breadcrumbs before.

What’s the difference between a piano, a fish, and a bucket of glue?

You can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish.

A man is obsessed with reeling in a big fish... A man is obsessed with reeling in a big fish, so much so that he eventually buys a huge, synthetic sturgeon and hangs it on the wall above his fireplace.

Eventually, however, looking at the fake trophy makes the man feel like a fraud, and he can't stand it.

One day, he makes a final attempt at fishing up something impressive. Finally, after hours of waiting, he reels in a record-breaking chub, one that weighs more than any other in recorded hi...

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After years of research and experimentations, a Generic Engineering Biologist was able to make a perfectly healthy Hybrid between a Fish and Duck.

The only problem left to be solved now for him is:

Whether to name it a Dish or a Fuck?

I had a Fish

That could breakdance, on the carpet, for 20 seconds, only once.

What do you call a fish you haven't put on the scale yet?

*The one you gotta weigh...*

Fish

I asked my doctor why he kept a giant tropical fish tank in his office lobby. He assured me it immediately made patients feel better. All the indoor fins.

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Jesus Loves Fish

God went to Adam one day and said:

"Hey man, who has been shitting near the Durian fruit I created last week. I told you guys not to disturb new creations for a week, at least. Now they will smell like shit for all eternity. They need a week undisturbed. Anything you add to them before that c...

why was the fish quick?

Because it was fin and out

Sorry for bad joke

A blonde wanted to try out ice fishing. She went out and purchased all the gear she would need and headed to a local spot to try to catch some fish.

She went out onto the ice with her gear and after getting comfy on the stool, she started to cut a circular hole in the ice as she had seen on the internet. As she was cutting, she heard a voice from the heavens speak out, saying, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

The blonde was startled. Sh...

"Hello, I need to make an insurance claim, a fish have damaged my car."

-"... a fish? We'll have to inspect the vehicle first. Where is it parked?"

-"In the lake."

I bought the love of my life some fish from Washington, but she dumped me immediately afterwards.

Oh well, there's plenty more fish in DC.

Did you hear about the fisherman who uses sperm to catch fish?

He calls it his master bait!

Why do fish live in salt water?

Because pepper water would make them sneeze.

(Roughly translated from a recent issue of *Acadie Nouvelle*)

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