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The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his Deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.

IRS AUDITOR: “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them".


Boat Owner: “Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and d...

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A team of archaeologists were excavating in Israel when they found a cave with the symbols of a woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish and a Star of David on the wall.

Pointing to the first drawing, the head of the team declared: 'This indicates that these people were family oriented and held women in high position. The donkey shows that they were intelligent enough to use animals to till the soil. The shovel means that they were able to forge tools. Even further ...

A German, a Frenchman and an Englishman go fishing...

They fish quite happily for a while until the German catches a huge golden fish, but as he plls it off the hook it says ‟Please do not kill me! Spare my life and I will grant you all a wish!”

The German throws the fish back and says ‟I wish for a mug of beer that will never empty”, and immed...

What does the blind man say when walking past the fish market?

“Good evening ladies”

What do you call a fish who raps?

A. Swim Shady

A woman goes into Cabela’s to buy a fishing pole for her grandson.

She doesn’t know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark glasses. She says to him, “Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?” He says, “Ma’am, I’m completely blind; but if you’ll drop...

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A priest hooks a huge fish

A priest hooks a huge fish

Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!".

"Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.

Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called, it's a Fucker fish".<...

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A father and son go fishing

While fishing the father cracks open a beer, the son says dad can I have a beer? The father asks can your Dick touch your asshole? “No” said the son, the father said you can’t have one then. A little while later the father lights up a cigar, the son asks dad, can I have a cigar? The father asks does...

Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day

Teach a man to fish and he'll colonize your land.

Why shouldn’t you ask a fish vendor for help?

Because they sellfish

What do you call hunting for fish in Chernobyl?

Nuclear fishin'.

They always say that there’s more fish in the sea

But it’s kinda hard to catch fish when your rod is too short.

I recently took my grandma to a fish spa...

It was easier than burying her or getting her cremated.

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My friend was having trouble with girls, so I told him there's plenty fish in the sea

He's since been charged with beastiality.

What’s the fish that makes this sound “ shhhhhhhhhhhhh” ?

The fried fish.

Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.

Teach a man to fish, he eats for a lifetime.

Teach 100 men to fish, you're the single biggest threat to our ecosystem.

What do you call a man and a woman who own a fishing store?

Rod and Annette

Tired of his parent's incessant harangue a very lazy young man went for fishing to add some fishes in their menu.

While sitting for fishing he felt very sleepy and was yawning. An old timer saw his lackadaisical approach and poked him, "Son, why are you working so hard? Just go to home and take a nap. It won't be hard for you I guess." The young man replied, "No. I have to catch some fish. But it seems very har...

What did the fish say when he swam into a wall?

Dam

An old fisherman and his wife ate fish every day...

An old fisherman and his wife lived in a remote outport and they ate fish every day. One day, the fisherman said, "Dear, I'm sick of fish. A big grocery store opened in the town that's 40 miles away, I'm going there to buy something different for dinner."

So the fisherman goes to the grocery ...

Bob Ross was out fishing when his pole started to dip.

He reeled in the fish and the fish said, "please don't eat me, can you please throw me back?"

Bob Ross replies, "Woah, a talking fish! I was going to throw you back anyways!"

The fish swims away a bit and then turns back, saying "Now that you let me go, how about a wish?"

Bob Ro...

This one was made by my 8 Year Old brother: How did the fish cross the road?

It wore flip FLOPS!

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Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place...

First guy, "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second guy, "That's nothing; I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

Third guy, ...

Jesus and Moses were fishing on a lake one day.

Jesus and Moses were fishing on a lake one day.

Jesus: Hey Moses, when's the last time you parted the water. You still got it in you.

Moses: It's been a while. Let's see.

And standing in the boat he held out his hands and the water parted.

Moses: What about you? Can you ...

Three friends are out fishing, having a competition to see who can catch the biggest fish.

The first guy says “Ill use worms as bait, surely this will catch the largest fish. My dad was a fisherman for all of his life, and taught me all of his tricks to catching the biggest fish. There is no possible way you guys can beat me.”

The second guy bursts out laughing. “You expect to catc...

what is the most lonely fish?

a selfish

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Hey man went fishing on a beautiful Sunday morning

On his way there he passed couple of women walking to a church.

"Oh I see you are going fishing, but why do you need this brick?"

Says one of the women pointing at his hand.

"Well that's my secret, but I can tell you this secret for a blow job"

"You are disgusting!" Woman...

What do you call a fish that is not smart, a dumb bass

Now laugh

2 men are out fishing and each wanted a cigarette. They had 3 cigarettes, but no lighter. How did they light their cigarettes?

>!they threw one cigarette overboard and the boat became a cigarette lighter!<

Have you heard about the fight in the fish and chip shop?

2 fish got battered.

(Oldie but goodie) Why did Beethoven quit fishing?

Because you can’t tune a fish but you can tuna a piano

I made some fish tacos

but they just ignored them and swam away.

Fishing words of wisdom:

If you're going to go fishing be certain that if you ask a Baptist to be your fishing partner, you ask that two Baptists go fishing with you.

Because if you only ask one....He'll drink all of your beer.

I met a fish from the future and asked him what his favourite genre of music was. He answered,

"Future Bass"

The only thing I can take seriously in the newspapers nowadays is fish and chips...

... and even that I take with a pinch of salt.

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led h...

Did you hear about the guy who was fishing from a railway bridge?

He was trying to catch a train.

My child will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?

A cat.

Cats love fish.

My fish clean my tank for free

Suckers

So two fish are swiming

One of the fish hits a concrete wall the other fish turns and says dam

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Little Billy is out fishing with his dad

When a butterfly lands on the boat and Billy smashes it. The dad exclaims “That’s it! No butter for you all week!”

A week passes by and they are out fishing again when a honeybee lands on the boat. Smash! Little Billy kills the bee. “That’s it!” The dad yells “Now no honey for you for a wee...

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Jesus and Moses go Fishing

Jesus and Moses are sitting by a riverbank, fishing, and shooting the shit about the good ol' days.

Moses says, "I had a few great days, but I have to say, that day I parted the Red Sea was the best of them. Man, that was spectacular! You should have seen the look on everyone's faces." ...

There should be an urban fishing show that stars released convicts,

and it should be called "Off the Hook".

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Fishing Trip

Two guys are fishing. The first guy reels in his line and sees that he's snagged an old bottle. As he's taking it off the hook, a genie pops out and promises to grant him one wish. "Turn the lake into beer," he says.

The genie goes "Poof!" and the lake turns into beer.

The first guy...

Two fish are in a tank

One says "You man the guns! I'll drive!"

Give a man a fish and he eats for a day.

Teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot

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NSFW : He just LOVES to fish!

A couple checks into a seedy motel and asks for the Honeymoon suite. Around 3:30am the groom all decked out completely in fishing gear comes walzing thru the lobby and headed for the door.

Overcome with curiosity the desk clerk stops him and asks, "Aren't you the fellow that just checked in a...

Two Italian guys, Dino and Marcello, go fishing on a boat

Suddenly, Dino spots an old WWII bomb floating towards them.

Dino screams "Marcello! Look! It's a mine!"

Marcello -scared- replies "Okay okay Dino, you can a have it!"

What do you call a fish wearing a tie?

So-FISH-ticated

;)

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Boris Johnson,Donald Trump and Angela Merkel are fishing..

Boris Johnson, Donald Trump and Angela Merkel are fishing on the North Sea coast .

Boris Johnson starts to brag while looking at the Water : „We British have the best submarines in the World. Our subs can be submerged under water for over one month without refueling!“

Merkel is looking...

Why are DJs bad at fishing?

They always drop the bass

So there is a Priest, a Rabbi, and an Atheist in a boat fishing.

The priest says "Oh heavens, I forgot my lures back on land" and steps out of the boat, walks across the water back to the land, and grabs his lures before walking back to the boat.

The atheist was astounded, but before he could make sense of the situation, the rabbi says "Oh Hashem help me, ...

A blond lady gets 3 fishes for her birthday from her brother...

Her brother finds them dead the day later.he asks her :

"Have you fed them?"

She replies:


"Yes! I even followed the rule of not letting them go swimming for 20 minutes after eating!"

Don't eat the fish in France.

They're literally poisson.

Fishing and girlfriends are exactly alike, there may be plenty of fish in the sea,

but until i find one, i’m stuck here holding my rod.

What do you call a fish that eats ass?

A bottom feeder.

One fisherman said to the other: "Using bait during fishing isn't necessary".

The other fisherman said: "that's debaitable".

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There is a fly flying about 12 inches over a lake with a fish swimming below thinking "If the fly drops 6 inches I can jump and catch it."

Meanwhile, a bear on the edge of the same lakes sees the fly and thinks "If he drops 6 inches, the fish will jump after it and I can catch it."

Across the same lake is a hunter eating a sandwich watching the bear and the fly thinking "If the fly drops and the fish jumps I can shoot the bear a...

Took grandma to a spa where they have fish eat your dead skin

It was cheaper than paying for a funeral.

I was arrested for illegal fishing even though there was clearly no "fishing prohibited" sign...

...apparently that's "very clear" if you're in a hotel lobby with an aquarium.

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A bear and a rabbit find a magical fish.

The fish tells them “I will grant you three wishes.”
Bear: “I wish for all the bears in the forest to be female.”
Fish: “Granted. All bears in the forest are now female.”
Rabbit: “I wish for a motorcycle.”
Fish: “Granted.” A motorcycle appears out of thin air ...

I have a fish that can breakdance!

Only for about 20 seconds, though. And only once.

I identify as an elongated fish...

People say im mentally eel

I always considered fishing to be boring.

But then I got hooked.

A man walks into a bar with a fish under his arm...

He asked the barman if they sold any fish cakes. The barman said no and the man pouted. “That’s a shame,” he said, pointing to the fish, “it’s his birthday!”

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A man is fishing when he pulls out a shark...

...as he’s reeling him in, the shark yells “please let me go, I’m a magic shark, if you let me go I’ll grant you a wish”

“Ok” says the man “I wish that my dick would reach all the way to the floor”

So the shark ate his legs.

Son : Dad, how do I catch fish?

Dad : Just throw this clickbait into the water

Son : And then what?

Dad : What happens next will shock you

Why did the fisherman go fishing on his day off

Just for the Halibut

So i've gotten a fish tank recently

And I check the Temerature and the pH-Value regularly. But my Guinea pigs keep diying. Do u guy have any advice?

A guy is out fishing and runs out of bait...

And he sees a snake that slithered into his boat with a frog in his mouth. He’s fishing for big fish, so he thinks the frog should do for bait. He picks up the frog close to his head, and the snake goes limp enough for him to take out the frog. Well, the fisherman didn’t think too far through with ...

Why did Barbie smell like fish?

Because Australians like throwing shrimp on her.

Why can’t blind people eat fish?

Because it’s sea food.

Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?

Because they don't have pockets.

What do you get when you cross a fish, a donkey, and a cat?

wap

(OC) A buddy and I flew up to Alaska to do some ice fishing.

Neither of us had ever been and we were both pretty excited, but when we got there my friend was just too freaked out about falling through the ice and freezing to death to go. Well, I was still super stoked so I ended up calling a local tourist company and I hired a couple of locals to take me out...

Two rednecks were fishing when one asked the other "If I slept with your wife, wouldn't that make us like family?"

His friend replied "No, that would make us even".

A man walks into a seafood restaurant carrying a fish under his arm

He approaches the owner of the restaurant and says, “Does your restaurant serve fish cakes?”

The owner responds, “Yes, of course!”

And the man with the fish says, “Good, because it’s his birthday.”

A man with two buckets of fish was leaving a lake well known for its fishing and was stopped by a game warden.

The warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?!" the warden replied.

"Yes, sir. Every night I take these fish down to this lake and let them swim around for about a half-h...

Man walks around with a dead fish in his pocket instead of wearing a mask

In thier community almost all of them caught the virus and this guy never did. The community head was curious and invited him to learn his secret and to talk to him as the smell was harassing this community.
Man came to the head's with the dead fish in pocket.

Man: I will talk to you only...

A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!"

A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a pr...

I started going to the new fish gym a few weeks ago

It has been all hunky dory so far.

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Ole and Sven are out on the lake fishing...

They've found a pretty good spot where no one else seems to be fishing. Ole says to Sven "Say Sven. There's no one else around here. The fish are biting pretty good. You think we've found a new secret spot?" "Why, it seems that way Ole. We should mark it so we can come back later." "You're right, I'...

Often on r/Jokes, I make jokes about fishing rods in the comments.

'Cause usually, the reel joke is in the comments.

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A little kid goes goes fishing with his grandfather

When they get to the fishing spot the grandfather lights a cigarette. The little boy asks “can I have one of those”. The grandfather takes a drag and asks “Is your dick long enough to reach your asshole”? The kid immediately says “No” and the grandfather says “then you’re not old enough for these”....

Q: You know what you call a fish with nine eyes?

A: Fiiiiiiiiish

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what is similar between sex, and fishing? It doesn’t matter how deep you go,

it matters how you wiggle the worm.

Give a man a fish

Give a man a fish, and he'll ask for a lemon.

Teach a man to fish, and he'll leave work early on Fridays.

Why are fish no good at tennis?

They don’t like getting close to nets

Which type of fish has only 2 atoms? [OC]

2 Na

You hear the one about the woman who went on a fishing expedition with three fishermen?

She came back with a Red Snapper!

A Priest, Rabbi, and Imam are fishing on a lake

They finish the drinks in the cooler.

Rabbi: "I'll go get some more" and he walks across the water, gets more drinks, and walks back across the water.

They finish the drinks again.

Imam: "It's my turn to get more" and he walks across the water, gets more drinks, and walks back a...

So once, when I went fishing with my dad

there was this guy who had already set himself at a really good spot towards the edge of the lake.
So we sat there with our hooks and all set up but were having a hard day catching a single one. Meanwhile, the dude was doing quite well, having really nice catches one after the other as bypassers...

There was this fish and it wants to be a broadcaster

It went on air.....And died

I went fishing at the weekend and there was this bloke splashing about in the middle of the lake shouting, "I can't swim! I can't swim!"

"It's alright, mate," I shouted, pointing at a nearby sign, "It says no swimming anyway."

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A priest goes fishing

A priest goes fishing with one of his parishioners and catches a large fish. The parishioner, still excited at the catch, exclaims "That's a big fucker!"

The priest immediately chastises the parishioner for his language. Thinking quickly, the parishioner replies: "But Father, that's the n...

A magician goes to a fish market...

The fishmonger says “pick a cod, any cod”

A heavily inebriated gentleman is going ice fishing .

He starts to drill a hole with his auger when a loud booming voice says , " THERE'S NO FISH DOWN THEREI " So he stops drilling and moves a little ways and starts to drill again . The same voice booms , " THERE'S NO FISH DOWN THERE ! " So he moves a little further and is about to drill again , but th...

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Young Timmy rushed out on Christmas morning

Young Timmy rushed out on Christmas morning, anticipating that he'd be getting a new Nintendo Console this year.

"Surprise!" shouted his parents. "We know you wanted video games, but we think you need to get outdoors more. We got you this set of fishing gear! Unfortunately, it was rather expe...

Q. Where does a fish keep his money?

A: In the River Bank!

What kind of music should you listen to when you're fishing?

Something catchy!

What did the drowning Scubadiver say to the fish?

Blubblrubblrbrb.....

A gypsy man caught a golden fish

And the fish said "Dear fisherman, if you throw me back in the water, I will grant you three wishes."

The gypsy threw the fish back and went "I want to be white, I want to be 8 inches long and I want all women in the world to want me."

Fish did it's magic and the man turned into a peri...

What do you call 5 fish cut in half?

Tuna half.

What kind of bait cannot be used for fishing?

The Answer Will Shock You!

A man and his wife went fishing one day. As they were fishing, they spotted the Coast Guard coming towards them.

Wife: "Honey, we caught four fish, and we are only allowed three, so lets throw one back into the sea."

Husband: "Are you mad, woman, that's our food for tonight. Take one fish and hide it in your panties."

wife: "And what about the smell???"


Husband: "Just block the fish'...

Two blondes rent a boat and go fishing.

They catch a lot of fish and return to the shore.

1st blonde: I hope you remember the spot where we caught all these fish.

2nd one: Yes, I marked X on the side of the boat to mark the spot.

1st blonde: You idiot! How do we know we will get the same boat tomorrow?

Why do fish form schools, but ants form colonies?

Cause *truants* don't go to school!

(I came up with this right now)

John's wife won't let him go fishing with his buddies

They have all went together on a fishing/camping trip the past four years together. But this year she wouldn't let him. The guys were very disappointed

Two days later the other guys made it to the campsite and noticed John was sitting by a fire with a cold beer. The tent was already set and s...

My pet fish is really good at tricking people

It's a catfish

Ice fishing

I was in Greenland a few years ago and I wanted to try ice fishing. So I went to the local sporting goods store to purchase everything I would need, an ice saw, fishing pole, line, hooks, and a bucket to hold my catch. I drove out to the ice lake, cut a hole in the ice, and got set up. I had been...

I hired a musician to look after my fishing equipment during my flight.

Rod Steward.

Why do fish gets stressed ?

Current events

When river fish need cash

they go to the nearest bank

What do you call a fish that's been pressure cooked ?

fishhhh...



fishhhh...



fishhhh...

Two guys and a union worker were fishing on a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and joined them in the boat.

When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked, humbly, "Jesus, I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam War...could you help me?"

"Of course, my son," Jesus said, and when he touched the man's back, he felt relief for the fir...

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