Give a man a fish you'll feed him for a day

Teach a man to fish and he'll spend thousands of dollars on equipment and go once a year

What do u call a fish with a bow tie?

So*fish*ticated

I phoned the wife earlier and asked if she wanted me to pick up Fish and Chips on the way home, but she just grunted at me.

I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.

A boy is selling fish on a corner.

To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her...

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The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his Deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.

IRS AUDITOR: “I Need A List Of Your Employees And How Much You Pay Them".


Boat Owner: “Well, There's Clarence, My Deckhand, He's Been With Me For 3 Years. I Pay Him $1,000 A Week Plus Free Room And Board. Then There's The Mentally Challenged Guy. He Works About 18 Hours Every Day And Does...

what do you call a fish with no eyes?

>!a fsh!<

What do you call a religious fish poem?

A Psalmon.

What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?

You can tune a guitar but you can't tuna fish.

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Give a man a fish, and he will eat once.

Teach a man to fish and you can fuck his wife while he’s fishing.

An ice fishing joke never before posted here.

Billy Bob and his family decided to go ice fishing. So they loaded up all their tackle and headed up north and found a lake where they could go ice fishing with a tackle shop nearby in case they needed anything. When they got there the man behind the counter said they'd need ice picks for breaking t...

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A game warden sees an old man going out fishing alone and asks if he can go along.

The old man relents and rows out to the middle of the lake. Then he opens his tackle box, pulls out a stick of dynamite, lights it and drops it into the lake. After it goes off the boat is surrounded with dead fish and the old guy starts scooping up the bodies. The warden is incensed and says 'That'...

What did the fish say when he swam into the wall

DAM

Two fish in a tank..

one turns to the other and says "do you know how to drive this thing?"

A Russian, an American, and an Englishman catch a goldfish while fishing on a boat

The goldfish pleads to them: “C’mon guys, I have a family down there, don’t eat me! Here’s what I’ll do for you, wherever you want to go, just say the place and jump off of the boat into the water, the very next moment you’ll be there.”

The Russian comes forward and says: “I’ve missed my dear...

Two fish

There are these two young fish swimming along, and they happen to meet an older fish swimming the other way, who nods at them and says, “Morning, boys. How’s the water?” And the two young fish swim on for a bit, and then eventually one of them looks over at the other and goes, “What the hell is wate...

One eyed guy goes fishing without any word or notice to his wife. Has a great trip, comes home sunburnt with a cooler full of fish fillets. Wife meets him at the door, screaming, "HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF YOU DIDN'T SEE ME FOR TWO DAYS?!". Guy answers without thinking, "That'd be freakin' GREAT!".

So the rest of that night, he doesn't see her. Next day, doesn't see her. Third day? He finally sees her.

She says "So, smart ass? How was that?"

.

.

.

He says, "Punch me again, it was better when I was all swollen and couldn't see you."

I bought the love of my life some fish from Washington, but she dumped me immediately afterwards.

Oh well, there's plenty more fish in DC.

Give a man a fish he eats for a day. What happens if you teach a man to duck?

He avoids walking into a bar.

What is the most envious fish?

The jelly-fish

Steve and Buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and name calling, Steve headed home frustrated.

The following week when Steve's buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see Steve.
He was already sitting at the campground with a cold beer, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and a camp fire glowing.
"How did you talk your missus into letting you go Steve?"
"I ...

What do you call a fish that provides woodland services, primarily pruning and treatments to preserve old or damaged trees.

A tree sturgeon

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Imagine a wilderness scene, a flowing river and critters running around There is a fly, buzzing above the river, but what he don’t know is that there is a fish watching him, thinking “That fly is gonna drop 6 in. And I’m gonna jump up and get em, and have myself a good meal”

But the fish don’t know that there is a bear watching him thinking

“That fly is gonna drop 6 in. Fish is gonna eat the fly, I’m gonna get the fish, and have myself a good meal”

But the bear don’t know that there is a hunter watching him, eating a sandwich, and the hunter thinks

...

My local fish market was selling e-cigarettes

and isopods

[oc] Why do you never invite a DJ to fishing

They always drop the bass

What do you call a fish that won’t walk away from a poker table?

A gambling haddock.

What kind of fish belongs in a circus?

A clownfish.

You know how they create fishing lures?

By casting them

How do you catch a fish with a computer?

Use click bait.

Did you hear about the guy on trial for murder trying to get off with an insanity plea by pretending he’s a fish?

He was trying to be coy

A man walks into a bakery with a goldfish in a bowl under his arm and says “Do you have fish cakes?” The lady behind the counter replies, “No”.

That’s a shame he says “It’s his birthday.”

My pet fish is a gamer

His favorite game is cod



(this is my first post on here please be nice)

I watched a movie about fishing...

It had a great cast in it.

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A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota....

The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to
read. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing
and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the
wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance,
anchors, and ...

Fish Joke

What do you call fishing for whales?



A Pod Cast.....

Last night I made fish tacos

They looked at them and just swam away.

(*Hopefully* original joke) What did the fish say when it swam into the dam?

Ma nose!!! (Minnows)

How can you tell if a fish is a Swedish fish?

It only has Finns on one side.

I've been breeding non-aggressive Siamese fighting fish.

I call them beta bettas.

How do you call a fish that's turned on

A sam-ON

What kind of music do fish listen to?

Something catchy.

what do you call a fake fish?

a de"koi"

>!(if you don't get it, say it out loud)!<

Sorry to anyone who felt my joke about herbs and fish was inappropriate.

I realise there’s a thyme and a plaice for these things...

Who’s the wealthiest fish in the sea?

Gill Gates, the flounder of Mackerelsoft

I went to Bill Hayleys fish shop last night

They do Hake, Haddock and Sole

Where do fish keep their money

River banks.

What is the difference between a fish and a goat

One mucks around in fountains

What's the difference between a piano, a bucket of glue and a tuna fish?

You can tune a piano but you can't tune a fish.

Oh the glue you ask. I knew you'd get stuck on that.

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A Man wants to go on a fishing trip with his wife and dog, but his wife doesn’t want to go. He says you can either go on the trip, suck my dick, or take it in the butt. She doesn’t want to do any but decides to give him a BJ.

“This tastes like shit!” She says “Yeah, the dog didn’t want to go either.”

Talented fish

I have a fish it can do break dance better than most out there
But just for a minute and only once in a life

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How to catch a fish

Another joke that i heard in Hindi many years ago. Trying to translate in English.

On a sunny day, a man was sitting by a river with his fishing hook in the water hoping to catch a fish. He was unsuccessful, so he goes the next day and the day after and continuously for several days with no ...

What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?

Sofishticated.

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A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are all friends

Naturally, their mothers are blonde, brunette, and redheaded as well, and the ladies are chatting while their teenage daughters are hanging out in the other room.

The brunette says with a devilish grin, "Hey, let's look through the girls' purses and see what they're hiding from us." She...

Bugs in C code should be called fishes

Because fishes are found in the sea

A man gets stopped by a game warden with his basket full of fish.

Warden: do you have a permit for all these fish?

Man: no sir. These are all my pet fish

Warden: your pet fish? How’s that?

Man: well, every night I take all my pet fish for a walk to the lake, I let them swim for about a half hour, and then I whistle and they all come back and j...

(My 8 year old just told me this one) Who is the fish's valentine?

His Gil-Friend!

Idc what ya'll say, that was golden! Lol

I kept asking the aquarium owner about the walking fish.

He said 'you axolotl questions!'

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A priest is out fishing on a lake with a member of his church.

Just when they were fixing to call it a day and reeling in the lines, the priest gets a bite. He finally gets the fish on the boat and his friend says, “Wow! What a beautiful son of a bitch.”


The priest looks at the man shocked. The man explains, “No Father. That’s what the fish is calle...

What do you call a fisherman fishing with a gun

A school shooting

A man walks into a bakery with a salmon under his arm and says “do you have fish cakes?” The chap behind the counter replies, “No”.

“That’s a pity, it’s his birthday”.


I was going to make a cake day joke...
But I feel like it would have too many layers

what do you call a fish that can dunk?

swooshi !
(proud of this one)

An Irish man goes fishing

The rain was pouring down outside O'Connor's Irish Pub. There standing in front of a big puddle outside the pub was an old Irishman, drenched, holding a stick, with a piece of string dangling in the water.

A passer-by stopped and asked him, "What are you doing?"
“Fishing” replied the ol...

Did you hear about the blonde that was killed while ice fishing yesterday?

She was hit by a zamboni...

While fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat.

He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft.

Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted:

“Are there any gators around here?!”

“No,” the man hollered back, “they ain’t been around for years!”

Feeling safe,...

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A Russian and a Ukrainian go fishing together. They catch a talking goldfish, and she grants them 3 wishes if they let her go

The Russian says: we used my fishing rod, so I get first 2 wishes.
First: I want all the *insert some racial slurs* out of my glorious country.
Second: I want a big wall around Russia, nobody can cross.

Then Ukrainian has a dialogue with the fish
- Is the wall done?
- Yes
- I...

What part of a fish weighs the most?

The scales.

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Chuck Norris injected his blood into a monkey, a fish, and a lizard.

These are now known as King Kong, Jaws, and Godzilla.

What every athlete says after winning: "First of all, I'd like to thank Chuck Norris for not competing."

Chuck can eat Chinese food with one chopstick.

Chuck threw a few rocks into the Pacific Ocean. These are now known as Ha...

A man is obsessed with reeling in a big fish... A man is obsessed with reeling in a big fish, so much so that he eventually buys a huge, synthetic sturgeon and hangs it on the wall above his fireplace.

Eventually, however, looking at the fake trophy makes the man feel like a fraud, and he can't stand it.

One day, he makes a final attempt at fishing up something impressive. Finally, after hours of waiting, he reels in a record-breaking chub, one that weighs more than any other in recorded hi...

Americans like to fish by shooting guns at big groups of fish from their boats.

They call it "School Shootings".

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There once was a fish

One day, a fish was swimming down a lake when he spotted a fly...
“Boy, I wish that fly would fly just a little lower so I could eat it” thought the fish.
Little did the fish know though, that there was a bear waiting nearby...
“Oh boy, if that fly would go just a little lower, the fish wou...

What does a librarian take fishing?

A good hook!


(Evidently the correct answer is book worm but I liked my answer better!)

How do you call a fish that has trouble walking?

Limpin Karp

Noah was fishing one day off the side of the ark.

Suddenly he looked around and yelled out, "Can someone bring me the *other* worm?"

A game warden catches an unlicensed fisherman in the act. "You're going to pay a big fine for all those fish in your bucket" But, officer, I didn't catch these -- they are my pet fish and I just bring them here to swim. When they're done they jump back into the bucket.

"Oh really? This I've got to see. If you can prove it, I'll let you go."r>
The fisherman empties the bucket into the lake and waits patiently. A few minutes go by and nothing happens.

Game warden: So where are the fish?

Fisherman: What fish?

What do you call a fish that eats ass?

A bottom feeder.

I was going fishing, and caught a fish that told me I got three wishes

Then he said "wish wish wish"

What do you call a fish with no “eye”?

fsh

Joke of the day from my kid...

What did the fish say to the fisherman?

"No one will ever believe you."

A lonely fisherman decided to use his internet instead of a regular fishing net.

All he caught were catfish.

What kind of fish has a medical degree?

A Sturgeon.

What did the fish say when it ran into the brick wall?

Dam

P.s. sorry if you know this one

how do fish get high

they smoke seaweed

What did the fishing boat say to the man'owar?

I warship you

You know why fish are so political?

They are always taking debate.

A man wants to go ice fishing.

He goes onto the ice, drills a hole, and puts out his line.
Suddenly he hears a loud voice from above, saying ‘THERE ARE NO FISH THERE.’
He gets up, a little confused, and moves to another spot on the ice, drilling another hole and throwing his line out again.
Once again, he hears: ‘THER...

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Why do fish live in saltwater?

Because pepper makes them sneeze.

Two English gentlemen are fishing on a boat

As they are both fishing in silence, as gentlemen do, the one gets a big pull on his line. After a fair amount of fighting, he pulls a beautiful mermaid out of the water. As he is holding her, he looks at her head to tail: top half woman, and from the waist down fish.

The mermaid looks at him...

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Two men are fishing one day, when the game warden approaches them and asked to see their fishing licenses.

One man takes off running at a full sprint, and instinctively the warden chases after him.

He chased the man over a hill and through a field, around the lake, and through the town, until finally he catches up with him.

“Aha! Gotcha! Now show me your fishing license!”

“Sure thin...

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A priest hooks a huge fish

A priest hooks a huge fish

Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!".

"Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.

Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called, it's a Fucker fish".<...

Fishing Buddies

A Kiwi and an Aussie went fishing one afternoon and decided to have a couple of cold beers.

After a while the Aussie says to the Kiwi, "If I was to sneak over to your house and made wild passionate love to your wife while you were at work, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make...

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My favourite joke to perform. Terrible accent recommended.

Pierre, zee French fighter pilot is with his amour.

"Oh, Pierre, I want you to kiss me", she exclaims.

And so he tilts her chin up and leans in, but just before he plants a kiss on her lips, he pours a little red wine on them, and then goes in for the kiss.

"Oh, Pierre, mon di...

haha Belgians dumb

The King of Belgian visits the King of the Netherlands and laments that the Dutch people always make fun of the Belgian people. "Can't you just do something rediculously stupid? That way we have something to make fun of you. Just make a bridge in the middle of the desert, that would be so dumb"
<...

What kind of STD's do fish get?

**Merm-aids**

Fishing is for Narc's

Just saying that there seems to be an awful lot of baiting and entrapment going on

Jesus, Moses, and an old man are playing golf. They step up to a par 3.

Jesus is up first. He drives the ball short, into the water trap in front of the green. So Jesus, being Jesus, walks on the water, chips the ball onto the green and putts for par.

Moses is next. He drives the ball into the same water trap. So Moses, being Moses, parts the water, chips the bal...

What is the funniest fish?

A piranha-ha-ha.

In fact, it hurt itself laughing so hard, it had to see a sturgeon.

The world was a dust cloud, then it solidified, and some fish evolved into a human

And the rest was history

I got arrested for fishing without a license at a dubstep festival.

The arresting officer yelled "drop the bass!"

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An old man takes his grandson fishing in a local pond one day.

After 20 minutes of fishing, the old man fires up a cigar. The young boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?" The old man asks, "Son, can your d*ck touch your asshole?" The young boy says no. "Then u can't have a cigar." Another 20 minutes passes, and the old man opens a beer. The young boy asks, "G...

Fish tank

my friend told me they just got a new fish tank. They hadn’t gotten many fish yet, so it was still in the betta stage.

What do you call the racial separation of fish?

An apart-tide

After a day fishing in the ocean a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two lobsters in a bucket.

He is approached by the ranger who asks him for his fishing license.

The fisherman says to the warden, "I did not catch these lobsters, they are my pets. Everyday I come down to the water and whistle and these lobster jump out and I take them for a walk only to return them at the end of the d...

What language does a fish speak?

Finnish.

Give a man a fish and he will be fed for a day,

Give a man a gram of uranium and he will be fed for the rest of his life.

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Why isn't Skrillex invited fishing?

Because he keeps dropping the bass.

Two friends in a pub one says:

"Hello John hows your brother Brian?"

"He died Alf"

"Oh that is terrible how did he die?"

"Well he was driving his car and he slammed on the brakes with such force he got catapulted out of the roof through my second floor bedroom window and landed on the bed"

"Oh that...

A man is waiting in a line in the Soviet Union to get food

As he gets closer to the counter, he sees that most people are now walking away empty handed.

When his turn comes, he asks "Hi comrade, I assume you are out of fish?"
"No comrade, you are in the wrong place. We are out of meat. The store across the street is the one that is out of fish".

Why do fish stay in the sea?

Because they know they're Plaice.

What do you call a dead fish that worked for the military?

Marine corpse

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A young ventriloquist is touring Sweden and puts on a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Swedish blonde women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s men like y...

On our first date, I couldn't figure out why my wife was acting like a fish.

Turns out she was just being Koi.

What fish is made out of two sodium atoms?

2 Na

Why do koi fish always travel in groups of 4?

So the A koi, the B koi, and the C koi can escape, because they know the predator will always go after the D koi.

Fishing for whiskey...

“Poor Old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?” The old man replied, ...

Went to the pet shop to buy a gold fish the other day... Guy asks if I want a aquarium

Like I care about its star sign!

The Swordfish has no natural predators...

....Except the Penfish, which is supposed to be even mightier.

Keeping tropical fish at home can have a truly calming effect on the brain.

Due to all the indoor fins.

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My favorite joke

I went to go visit my friend Chuck on his farm out in Greater Minnesota, and he's showing off his barn, crops, and livestock. When we get to the swine corral, there's an enormous boar... with three wooden legs.

So I ask him, "why does that pig have three wooden legs?"

"Well, Steve, tha...

What do you call a fish with two knees?

A two knee fish.

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