What do you call a fish stuck in a tree?

A fish stick!

My 4 year olds first joke.

With relationships, they say there's plenty of fish in the sea...

But I'm just stuck here holding my rod

A pastors wife goes to the fish market

She’s looking to make fillets for dinner and asks the guy behind the counter for a suggestion.

“I’d recommend this right here, ma’am. It’s new to the market.”

“What kind of fish is it?” She asks.

“It’s dam fish, ma’am.”

The pastors wife abruptly says. “How dare you use th...

My friend is making a lot of money by selling photos of salmon dressed up in human clothes...

It’s like shooting fish in apparel...

Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day.

Teach a man how to phish, and he'll probably become a Nigerian Prince.

There are 2 fish in a tank.

One of them looks at the other and says "How do we drive this thing?"

What's the difference between a steamed fish and a stupid donkey?

One's a dum bass, the other's a dumb ass.

I identify as an elongated fish.

People say I'm mentally eel.

What did the fish say when he hit a brick wall?

Dam

Two goldfish were sitting in a tank. At one point, one of them turns to the other.

Do you know how to drive this thing?

What do you call a fish with no eyes

It's still called a fish

I took my grandma to a fish spa center where the little fish eat your dead skin for only $45.

It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery.

What do fish smoke?

Seaweed.

You are now fish!

Catholics don't eat meat during the 40 days of lent. Now it so happened a Muslim carpenter moved into a catholic area. Now this guy loved his barbeque and he'd be out in his garden almost daily to enjoy his afternoon feast. Now lent started and the smoky smell wafting from his garden had many people...

Give a robot a fish, feed him for a day.

Teach a robot to fish, feed him for a lifetime.

​

Teach a robot to teach other robots to fish, you're out of a job.

Whats the difference between meat and fish?

If you beat your fish it dies.

How do you keep a fish from smelling?

Cut off its nose.

Badumtisss. Thanks dad.

I phoned my wife earlier and asked her if she wanted me to pick up fish and chips on my way home from work but she just grunted at me.

I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.

Give a man a fish and you will feed him for a day.

Teach a man to fish and he will spend hundreds of dollars on equipment he will
use twice a year

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A priest hooks a huge fish

A priest hooks a huge fish

Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!".

"Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.

Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called, it's a Fucker fish".<...

Why don’t fish pass their exams?

Because they work below C-Level.

A fisherman took his boat far out to sea. He hooked a huge fish, and fought it for hours.

Unfortunately, as he wasn’t strapped into his seat, he was yanked overboard, and began to drown. Suddenly, he was rescued and brought back to his boat by a pair of dolphins. Without thinking, the fisherman thanked them.
They replied, “You’re welcome!” Aghast, the fisherman said, “You can talk! Th...

Earlier today I saw a fish in a hospital waiting room going up to people and giving them medical advice.

I said "Oi fish, stop that, what do you think you're doing?!"

He said "Don't worry about it, it's ok... I'm the Sturgeon General".

A man walks Into a library and asks “can I have some fish and chips please?” The librarian replies “sir, this is a library”

“Oh sorry!”
*whispers* “can I have some fish and chips?”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A fish sees a fly over the river.

The fish says “oh boy, if only that fly would drop six inches then I could catch it and have a great meal.” Little did the fish know, a bear was slowly creeping up on the riverbed and saw the fish watching the fly. The bear said “oh boy, if only that fly would drop six inches so that fish would jump...

Where do spanish fish live?

In the sí

Where do fish go to withdraw money

The Loan shark

Two tuna fish passing by a submarine. Big Tuna Mommy says:

Don’t be scared little Tuna, these are canned humans.

-I read this joke when I was five. I still think it’s funny. -

A Man Walks Into A French Restaurant And Orders Fish...

The waiter brings out his order and the man begins to eat it. After about fifteen minutes, the man keels over and dies. The waiter, panicking, calls the paramedics. When they arrive, they examine the body of the deceased man.

"Well?" asks the concerned waiter "What killed this poor man?"
<...

There are plenty of fish in the sea.

But fishing rods, hooks, and bait are so damn expensive.

Dating is a lot like fishing...

Sure there's lots of fish in the ocean, but until I catch one, I'm just stuck here holding my rod.

I was going to make a joke about herbs and fish...

But this is neither the plaice nor the thyme to do so.

I've been recently obsessed with the band Fish

They're having a few shows, I'm hoping to catch a live one!

Don’t eat French fish

It’s poisson.

Yesterday evening i had fish for dinner,

When i was rudely asked to leave petsmart.

A fish made from two sodium molecules

Two-Na

Why can't a fish play jump rope?

It keeps getting caught on the line.

The other day, we took my Grandpa to one of those spas where the fish eat your dead flesh.

It's a lot cheaper than cremation.

Do you know what it's like to be a fish?

I don't, but Alaska Salmon.

A boy is selling fish on a corner.

To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her...

What do you call a human/fish hybrid made of rubber ?

An Elastomer-maid!

Why do fish live in salt water?

Because pepper water would make them sneeze

What is a profane chef's least favorite fish to work with?

Cod, dammit.

What kind of fish is made of only two atoms?

2 Na

If single life is hard don't worry, there are plenty of fish in the sea.

You just have to weave through all the plastic

Two fish swim into a concrete wall.

One turns to the other and says "Dam."

What do you call it when you have a fish on the line but it gets away?

Herring Loss.


Alternatively:

Q: Why was it so difficult for the old man to reel in his fish?



A: He was hard of herring.



Q: How can fish just ignore you completely?


A: They just tuna you out.



Q: Why is Timmy afraid to go ou...

Did you hear about the fight in the fish and chip shop?

The fish got battered

Give a man a fish

And he will be back hungry tomorrow.

Teach a man to fish and he becomes your competition.

Cut him up into little bits and he becomes your chum.

Where do fast food places get those square fish for the filet-o-fish sandwiches?

From the asquarium.

The fish and chip shop near me has gone into liquidation

Now the owner is stuck between a rock and a hard plaice

Just got a new tank for my fish...

Unfortunately none of them could drive it

Where do fish store their money?

In a river bank

A fisherman and his fish

A fisherman caught a fish so big that he dislocated his shoulders describing it.

What do you call an amateur expert on fish?

A fishionado

I had a gold fish who could break dance on a carpet.

... for 20 seconds.

... And only once.

What do you call a man who can predict the number of fish a boat will catch?

A net prophet.

I've got an amazing joke about a group of people obsessed with fish food!

Cliquebait.

I tell people I don't have a favourite fish,

... but really it's a red herring.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There was once a fish in the stream who was looking up at a fly...

...the fish thought, “boy if that fly drops 6 inches, I would have myself a nice meal.”
Meanwhile, there is a bear sitting behind a tree, looking at the fish who was looking at the fly. The bear is thinking, “boy if that fly drops 6 inches and that fish goes up to get it, I’ll go grab that fish ...

What do you call a fish that lives in the greatest depths of the ocean?

Mega-low-don.

If I had two fish I’d name them one and two...

Because if one died, I’d still have two!

I have a theory that if something works optimally, it HAS to be inside a fish.

Everything that's outside a fish wouldn't work the way it should, because it's inafishn't.

A fish walks into a bar

The bartender asks, “How did you do that?”

Pet fish

A man was at the lake with a bucket of fish one day when a game warden walked up to him and started to cite him for fishing illegally. The man said “no, you don’t understand, these are my pet fish! I put them in a bucket every day and bring them down to the lake and turn them loose, then I let them ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

You call it a fish. Having a disability doesn't mean you're a new species, ya jerk!

How did the fish get from one lake to the next?

They took the carpal tunnel.

I asked my Jamaican friend what he named his pet fish

He said “Sal mon”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My fish died

Was is my garden yesterday and noticed that my neighbours 6 y/o daughter was digging a rather large hole.

"What you doing suzie" i asked

"My fish died this morning" she repiled

"Well never mind its just a goldfish"

Looking confused i ask

"Thats a rather big ho...

My teacher didn't believe me when I said I had 36 pets so I showed her a picture of my fish tank.

She freaked out when she saw how many dogs I could fit in there.

I have a Christian friend who only eats fish

He’s a prescyterian

Q:What makes fish jumpy?

A: Spring water

(Transmogrified Danish joke)

Why Aren't DJs allowed in the Fish Market?

They always drop the bass.

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A fshhhh

&#x200B;

(This works a lot better if you say it out loud)

What do you call a long, skinny fish wearing makeup and a suit of armor?

Pretty Sir Eel

When I’m feeling down my friend keeps saying ‘Cheer up, you could be stuck in a big fish, like Jonah!’

I know he means whale.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Adam and Eve

Were in the garden of eden and Adam says to Eve “Hey Eve lets go for a swim!” And Eve says “That sounds wonderful!”

So they start running towards the dead sea and God shouts down “No Eve, no Eve NOOOOooooooo!” And Eve dives into the water!

God says: Awe crap now I will never get th...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Magic Fish

A man is fishing on a lake when he catches a fish.

The fish says to the fisherman, "I'm a magic fish! I since you caught me I have to grant a wish ...But only on one condition."

The fisherman asks what the condition is.

"In order to grant your wishes I need to swim up int...

Why are fish poorly educated?

All the schools are below C level.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A priest enters a fish market.

When he asks what the man behind the counter recommends, the man brings out a large fish. "My goodness!" The priest exclaims. "That fish is huge!" "Yeah." The man replies. "It's a big son of a bitch." The priest says "Sir. Please mind your language." Thinking quickly, the man says "Oh. No. The name ...

Why cant blind people eat fish?

They can't sea food!

What hormones does a fish use to swim in a house?

Indoor Fins

What's pink inside and smells like fish?

Salmon

Poor old man...

“Poor Old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”

The old man re...