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My wife caught me one day for watching a porn channel so i quickly turned the tv to a fishing channel. On her way out she said:

‘You should stay on the porn channel. You know how to fish!’

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My wife has an eccentric but harmless new habit. She started taking a fish to bed with her. It didn’t really bother me until last night.

When I suggested we have sex, she replied: “Not tonight, dear, I have a haddock.”

What do you call a fish with 10 eyes?

Fiiiiiiiiiish.

What’s the difference between a piano, a fish, and a bucket of glue?

You can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish.

Give a man a fish and he will have a meal,

Teach a man how to fish and he will spend thousands of dollars on fishing equipment.

What kind of instrument helps you catch fish?

Castanets

What do u call a fish with a bow tie?

So*fish*ticated

A boy is selling fish on a corner.

To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her...

Watching tropical fish in a tank can be very relaxing.

It’s the indoor fins.

A fish walks into a bar

It took him 395 million years.

Did you hear about the girl who went on a fishing trip with six guys?

She came back with a red snapper.

Where do fish sleep?

In the riverbed

There are plenty of fish in the sea…

…plenty of whales too.

2 men go fishing, One has a stutter

The man with a stutter says “shh ssshhh sshh”. The other man says “what is it, did you catch a fish”? The stuttering man continues to make ssshhh noises, the other man says “spit it out”. The stuttering man says “ssshhh ship!!” Before the 2nd man can react a ship crashes into their boat.

M...

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(LONG) An Elderly man and his Grandson go fishing

If you've ever been fishing, you know there's a lot of waiting. To pass the time, the Elderly man pulls out a cigarette and starts smoking. Seeing this, the boy asks "Hey grandpa! That looks super cool! Can I try?"

Not wanting the kid to start smoking, he says "well that depends... can your ...

I was told that you catch more fish if you put maggots in your mouth for 5m before attaching them to your rod. Is this true?

I await your replies with baited breath.

Who are the most popular married couple with their own TV fishing program?

Rod and Annette.

What's the first thing a fish thinks of when it swims into a concrete wall?

Dam

I have a fish that can breakdance!

Only for 20 seconds though, and only once.

Fishing & girlfriends

Fishing and girlfriends are exactly alike, there may be plenty of fish in the sea, but until i find one, i’m stuck here holding my rod

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What a fish…

So, one day a monk goes fishing. He walks out on the pier, throws that line out there nice and good, and lets it rest for a bit. BAM! Fish on! And man, is he fighting! Falling over, sliding across the pier, no good! Some good Samaritans decide to help. They prop him up, and fight that good fight! Be...

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The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his Deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.

IRS AUDITOR: “I Need A List Of Your Employees And How Much You Pay Them".


Boat Owner: “Well, There's Clarence, My Deckhand, He's Been With Me For 3 Years. I Pay Him $1,000 A Week Plus Free Room And Board. Then There's The Mentally Challenged Guy. He Works About 18 Hours Every Day And Does...

Every day I go down to the harbour and throw fish to a baby dolphin. My friends say it's a waste of time.

But at least I'm serving a youthful porpoise.

So there’s these three Catholic priests go fishing at the local lake for the day

While their there, they notice that the fish aren’t biting. They’re bored out of their minds until one of them says something about it.

The first priest mentions that “We always give confession amungst others, but we never have the opportunity to give it amungst ourselves.”

The other t...

Just made this up: whats the no.1 movie for fish at the moment?

JAMES POND. NO TIME TO FRY!

Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.

Give him a POISONED fish, and you feed him for his lifetime.

What kind of fish likes to try new food?

Betta tester

I had to kill a fish today...

I was fine about it but the fish was gutted.

I've never had Fish Fingers

I didn't know fish had hands.

What fish sounds the most like a harp?

A carp.

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Why is fishing with Skrillex so difficult?

He keeps dropping the bass.

Give a Man a Fish and You Will Feed Him for a Day.

Teach a man to fish and he will spend a fortune on gear he will only use twice a year.

What do you call a religious fish poem?

A Psalmon.

I phoned the wife earlier and asked if she wanted me to pick up Fish and Chips on the way home, but she just grunted at me.

I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.

My friend thinks he's a fish but he's wrong.

He's living in the Nile.

Did you hear about the guy on trial for murder trying to get off with an insanity plea by pretending he’s a fish?

He was trying to be coy

What is the sub-genre of metal preferred by most tuna fish?

Alba-core.

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Two altar boys catch a fish. One says, “look at this huge dam fish!”

The second altar boy says, “You shouldn’t swear like that! You’re an altar boy.”

The first says, “I wasn’t swearing. A dam fish is a type of fish that lives near a dam.”

The second altar boy says, “Oh, cool. That IS a huge dam fish! Let’s go show the priest!” So they run off.

W...

Why did the fish get kicked out of school?

It got caught with sea weed.

Lesson in History The king wanted to go fishing and he asked the royal weather forecaster the forecast for the next few hours. The palace meteorologist assured him that there was no chance of rain.

So the king and the queen went fishing. On the way they met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and the king asked the man if the fish were biting.

The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace! In just a short time I expect a huge rain storm."

The king r...

Whats an idiotic fish

A dumb bass

Where do fish go to get high?

The marijuana trench

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What did the fish say when it collided with a concrete wall?

“Dam.”
What did the dam say back?
“Dumb bass.”

An ice fishing joke never before posted here.

Billy Bob and his family decided to go ice fishing. So they loaded up all their tackle and headed up north and found a lake where they could go ice fishing with a tackle shop nearby in case they needed anything. When they got there the man behind the counter said they'd need ice picks for breaking t...

Give a man a fish he eats for a day. What happens if you teach a man to duck?

He avoids walking into a bar.

Which world leader loves fishing?

Angela Merkel

Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says

"Okay, you man the guns. I'll drive."

I bought the love of my life some fish from Washington, but she dumped me immediately afterwards.

Oh well, there's plenty more fish in DC.

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A boy and his grandpa go out fishing

A boy goes out fishing with his grandpa who is an old retired sailor, real rough around the edges kind of guy

While fishing grandpa pulls out a cigarette and lights it. The boy asks "can I have one?" And grandpa asks back "can you touch your pecker to your asshole?" The boy says "no" and gra...

What's the difference between a freshwater fish and a mountain goat?

One mucks around in fountains,

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A blonde wants to go ice fishing....

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing.

She’d seen many books on the subject and after gathering all of the necessary equipment decided to head for the ice.

Once on the ice, she pulls out her auger and starts to cut a hole in the ice.

Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,”THERE ...

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Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess...

"Will you marry me?"


The Princess said "NO!"


And the Prince lived happily ever after, and rode motorcycles, and went fishing, and hunting, and played golf, and fucked women half his age, and drank beer, and scotch and had tons of money in the bank, and scratched his balls...

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A game warden sees an old man going out fishing alone and asks if he can go along.

The old man relents and rows out to the middle of the lake. Then he opens his tackle box, pulls out a stick of dynamite, lights it and drops it into the lake. After it goes off the boat is surrounded with dead fish and the old guy starts scooping up the bodies. The warden is incensed and says 'That'...

A Russian, an American, and an Englishman catch a goldfish while fishing on a boat

The goldfish pleads to them: “C’mon guys, I have a family down there, don’t eat me! Here’s what I’ll do for you, wherever you want to go, just say the place and jump off of the boat into the water, the very next moment you’ll be there.”

The Russian comes forward and says: “I’ve missed my dear...

One eyed guy goes fishing without any word or notice to his wife. Has a great trip, comes home sunburnt with a cooler full of fish fillets. Wife meets him at the door, screaming, "HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF YOU DIDN'T SEE ME FOR TWO DAYS?!". Guy answers without thinking, "That'd be freakin' GREAT!".

So the rest of that night, he doesn't see her. Next day, doesn't see her. Third day? He finally sees her.

She says "So, smart ass? How was that?"

.

.

.

He says, "Punch me again, it was better when I was all swollen and couldn't see you."

Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day.

Give a man two prosthetic legs, and he'll shoot his girlfriend.

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A russian, an american and a dane are drinking beer, and get into a bragging contest.

The russian says: "Our navy is so large that if all the ships set out to sea at once, the fish in the ocean won't have a single spot where they can reach the surface"

The american looks sceptically at him and says: "Well, our mighty airforce is so large that if all the planes take off at once...

What do you call a license to hunt fish?

A license to krill!

Why can’t Jabba the Hutt eat fish?

Because he needs a bib for tuna

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Imagine a wilderness scene, a flowing river and critters running around There is a fly, buzzing above the river, but what he don’t know is that there is a fish watching him, thinking “That fly is gonna drop 6 in. And I’m gonna jump up and get em, and have myself a good meal”

But the fish don’t know that there is a bear watching him thinking

“That fly is gonna drop 6 in. Fish is gonna eat the fly, I’m gonna get the fish, and have myself a good meal”

But the bear don’t know that there is a hunter watching him, eating a sandwich, and the hunter thinks

...

Last night I made fish tacos

They looked at them and just swam away.

What do you call a fish that won’t walk away from a poker table?

A gambling haddock.

What is the most envious fish?

The jelly-fish

I watched a movie about fishing...

It had a great cast in it.

Steve and Buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and name calling, Steve headed home frustrated.

The following week when Steve's buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see Steve.
He was already sitting at the campground with a cold beer, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and a camp fire glowing.
"How did you talk your missus into letting you go Steve?"
"I ...

What kind of fish belongs in a circus?

A clownfish.

A man gets stopped by a game warden with his basket full of fish.

Warden: do you have a permit for all these fish?

Man: no sir. These are all my pet fish

Warden: your pet fish? How’s that?

Man: well, every night I take all my pet fish for a walk to the lake, I let them swim for about a half hour, and then I whistle and they all come back and j...

My pet fish is a gamer

His favorite game is cod



(this is my first post on here please be nice)

Don't worry, plenty of more fish in the sea

Except wherever the Chinese fishing fleet has been.

what do you call a fake fish?

a de"koi"

>!(if you don't get it, say it out loud)!<

How do you catch a fish with a computer?

Use click bait.

What do you call a fish that provides woodland services, primarily pruning and treatments to preserve old or damaged trees.

A tree sturgeon

[oc] Why do you never invite a DJ to fishing

They always drop the bass

How can you tell if a fish is a Swedish fish?

It only has Finns on one side.

What kind of music do fish listen to?

Something catchy.

My local fish market was selling e-cigarettes

and isopods

How do you call a fish that's turned on

A sam-ON

A man walks into a bakery with a goldfish in a bowl under his arm and says “Do you have fish cakes?” The lady behind the counter replies, “No”.

That’s a shame he says “It’s his birthday.”

(My 8 year old just told me this one) Who is the fish's valentine?

His Gil-Friend!

Idc what ya'll say, that was golden! Lol

Who’s the wealthiest fish in the sea?

Gill Gates, the flounder of Mackerelsoft

You know how they create fishing lures?

By casting them

Sorry to anyone who felt my joke about herbs and fish was inappropriate.

I realise there’s a thyme and a plaice for these things...

(*Hopefully* original joke) What did the fish say when it swam into the dam?

Ma nose!!! (Minnows)

Where do fish keep their money

River banks.

A woman and a man are lying in bed

A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings. She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens. She is speaking in a cheery voice, "Hi. I'm so glad you called. Really? That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you. That sounds terrifiic. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye." She h...

What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?

Sofishticated.

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A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota....

The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to
read. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing
and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the
wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance,
anchors, and ...

Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily, I only sustained super fish oil injuries

I've been breeding non-aggressive Siamese fighting fish.

I call them beta bettas.

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How to catch a fish

Another joke that i heard in Hindi many years ago. Trying to translate in English.

On a sunny day, a man was sitting by a river with his fishing hook in the water hoping to catch a fish. He was unsuccessful, so he goes the next day and the day after and continuously for several days with no ...

I kept asking the aquarium owner about the walking fish.

He said 'you axolotl questions!'

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A Russian and a Ukrainian go fishing together. They catch a talking goldfish, and she grants them 3 wishes if they let her go

The Russian says: we used my fishing rod, so I get first 2 wishes.
First: I want all the *insert some racial slurs* out of my glorious country.
Second: I want a big wall around Russia, nobody can cross.

Then Ukrainian has a dialogue with the fish
- Is the wall done?
- Yes
- I...

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There once was a fish

One day, a fish was swimming down a lake when he spotted a fly...
“Boy, I wish that fly would fly just a little lower so I could eat it” thought the fish.
Little did the fish know though, that there was a bear waiting nearby...
“Oh boy, if that fly would go just a little lower, the fish wou...

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A priest hooks a huge fish

A priest hooks a huge fish

Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!".

"Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.

Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called, it's a Fucker fish".<...

I went to Bill Hayleys fish shop last night

They do Hake, Haddock and Sole

A man walks into a bakery with a salmon under his arm and says “do you have fish cakes?” The chap behind the counter replies, “No”.

“That’s a pity, it’s his birthday”.


I was going to make a cake day joke...
But I feel like it would have too many layers

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A Man wants to go on a fishing trip with his wife and dog, but his wife doesn’t want to go. He says you can either go on the trip, suck my dick, or take it in the butt. She doesn’t want to do any but decides to give him a BJ.

“This tastes like shit!” She says “Yeah, the dog didn’t want to go either.”

what do you call a fish that can dunk?

swooshi !
(proud of this one)

Talented fish

I have a fish it can do break dance better than most out there
But just for a minute and only once in a life

What do you call a fish that eats ass?

A bottom feeder.

What part of a fish weighs the most?

The scales.

A man is obsessed with reeling in a big fish... A man is obsessed with reeling in a big fish, so much so that he eventually buys a huge, synthetic sturgeon and hangs it on the wall above his fireplace.

Eventually, however, looking at the fake trophy makes the man feel like a fraud, and he can't stand it.

One day, he makes a final attempt at fishing up something impressive. Finally, after hours of waiting, he reels in a record-breaking chub, one that weighs more than any other in recorded hi...

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Chuck Norris injected his blood into a monkey, a fish, and a lizard.

These are now known as King Kong, Jaws, and Godzilla.

What every athlete says after winning: "First of all, I'd like to thank Chuck Norris for not competing."

Chuck can eat Chinese food with one chopstick.

Chuck threw a few rocks into the Pacific Ocean. These are now known as Ha...

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A priest is out fishing on a lake with a member of his church.

Just when they were fixing to call it a day and reeling in the lines, the priest gets a bite. He finally gets the fish on the boat and his friend says, “Wow! What a beautiful son of a bitch.”


The priest looks at the man shocked. The man explains, “No Father. That’s what the fish is calle...

I went to visit the wife's grave today...

She still thinks it's going to be a fishpond.

While fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat.

He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft.

Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted:

“Are there any gators around here?!”

“No,” the man hollered back, “they ain’t been around for years!”

Feeling safe,...

Bugs in C code should be called fishes

Because fishes are found in the sea

A game warden catches an unlicensed fisherman in the act. "You're going to pay a big fine for all those fish in your bucket" But, officer, I didn't catch these -- they are my pet fish and I just bring them here to swim. When they're done they jump back into the bucket.

"Oh really? This I've got to see. If you can prove it, I'll let you go."r>
The fisherman empties the bucket into the lake and waits patiently. A few minutes go by and nothing happens.

Game warden: So where are the fish?

Fisherman: What fish?

What do you call a fisherman fishing with a gun

A school shooting

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The preacher’s wife goes to the store to get something to cook for dinner.

She walks up to the seafood counter and asks, “What’s the special today?”.

“Dam fish”, says the clerk

“Excuse me, sir, but you know I’m the preacher’s wife and you shouldn’t use those words.”

The clerk, a little embarrassed, says, “No no no. They were caught by the dam so they’r...

You know why fish are so political?

They are always taking debate.

Americans like to fish by shooting guns at big groups of fish from their boats.

They call it "School Shootings".

How do you call a fish that has trouble walking?

Limpin Karp

What does a librarian take fishing?

A good hook!


(Evidently the correct answer is book worm but I liked my answer better!)

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Two men are fishing one day, when the game warden approaches them and asked to see their fishing licenses.

One man takes off running at a full sprint, and instinctively the warden chases after him.

He chased the man over a hill and through a field, around the lake, and through the town, until finally he catches up with him.

“Aha! Gotcha! Now show me your fishing license!”

“Sure thin...

What do you call a fish with no “eye”?

fsh

Joke of the day from my kid...

Noah was fishing one day off the side of the ark.

Suddenly he looked around and yelled out, "Can someone bring me the *other* worm?"

What kind of fish has a medical degree?

A Sturgeon.

Did you hear about the blonde that was killed while ice fishing yesterday?

She was hit by a zamboni...

What did the fish say to the fisherman?

"No one will ever believe you."

What did the fish say when it ran into the brick wall?

Dam

P.s. sorry if you know this one

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