What do you call a fake koi fish?

A dekoi

There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish. He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale."

A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish.
The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish."
The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish.
His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to ...

“Poor old fool.” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”

The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”

What did the fish say when he ran into a wall?

DAMN!

Give a man a fish and you’ll feed him for a day.

Poison that fish and you’ll have fed him for the rest of his life.

What's the stupidest kind of fish?

A dumb bass

What do you call a fish without eyes?

Blind.

Two fish are in a tank.

There are two fish in a tank.

One asks the other: Do you know how to drive this thing?

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What do you get when you cross an illegitimate fish with a piece of shit?

A bass turd

Yes . . . shitty joke. Craptastic.

Two fish were having a race underwater when one of them hits a wall. What does the other fish say?

Dam

Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. Give a man a woman...

you feed him for atleast a week (more if he rations the meat properly).

As a blind man, I have a hard time eating fish

I can't seafood

Why are people who work in a fish shop mean?

Their job makes them sell fish.

My mate took his Grandad to one of those fancy Health Spas, where tiny little fish eat all the dead skin.

It cost him $35, but it was a lot cheaper than a funeral.

Does anyone know how long it takes to cook those boil in the bag fish.

I didn't get any instructions at the fun fair.

Did you hear the one about the paedophile fish?

It wasn't allowed near any schools.

I had a favorite fish once.

She would come and visit me in the same spot each day when I was diving until suddenly she disappeared. I was devastated! I lobster! But luckily I flounder.

What happens when fish start an addiction to worms?

They get hooked.

If you can think of a better fish pun..

let minnow.

What do you call a fish with no eye?

>! A fsh.!<

Where does the President's fish go to work?

In the Presidential Offish

Did you hear about the fish and chip shop owner that was taken to court?

He was charged with assault and battery.

Why did the fish’s wife leave him?

He got caught in Annett.

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A nun was out fishing and caught a huge fish for supper...

A man was walking by and said "Wow what a goddamn fish!" The sister said "Sir you shouldn't talk to me like that: I'm a nun", and the man said "But that's the name of it: a goddamn fish".

So the sister took the fish back to the rectory and said
"Mother superior, look at the goddamn fish...

A boy is selling fish on a corner.

To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!"

A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam."

The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife...

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So a priest is walking across the market and he hears a fisher yell”DAMN FISH GET YOUR DAMN FISH” so the priest walks up to the fisher and says “you can’t just swear like that you’ll make god angry” on which the fisher replies “this is an misunderstanding these fish were caught at the dam they’re

Dam fish” The priests understands what the fisher means and buys 2 dam fish when he comes home the priest asks his wife “can you cook these dam fish for supper tomorrow”on which the wife replies surprised”dear you’re a priest you can’t just swear like that” on which the priest explains the situation...

Fish will be extinct by 2020 in the US

Their fault cause they gather in schools

Give a man a fish and he'll feed his family for a day

Teach a man to fish...and over the course of the next few years more and more pieces of fishing equipment will disappear from your garage

A redneck with a bucket full of live fish, was approached recently by a game warden in Georgia as he started to leave a lake well known for it’s fish.

The game warden asked the man, “May I see your fishing license please?”

“Naw, sir,” replied the redneck. “I don’t need none of them there papers. These here are my pet fish.”

“Pet fish!?!?”

“Yep. Once a week, I bring these here fish o’mine down to the lake and let ’em swim ’roun...

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There's a forest, and in this forest is a river and hovering above this river is a fly and and looking at this fly is a fish and the fish is looking at this fly and is thinking: you know what, that fly drops six inches, i'm gonna go up there, get that fly and have myself a really nice meal.

What the fish didn't realize was that there was a bear looking at the fish looking at the fly. The bear is thinking: you know what, that fly drops six inches, that fish gets that fly and i'm gonna go in then get that fish i'm gonna have myself a really nice meal.

What the bear didn't reali...

I've developed a simplified version of the popular card game "Go Fish"...

It's called, "No".

Why didn’t the cop let the fish get off the hook?

Because it got caught with seaweed

I was in the downtown last night thinking about having a dinner and went to a nearby restaurant. I asked the waiter, "I don't eat eggs, meat, fish, dairy or gluten. What would you recommend?"

He said a taxi.

What does a female fish need when she has difficulties laying her eggs?

a SEA-section!

I was buying fish the other day and asked the cashier for a plastic bag...

He said it was already inside

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Japan has been hit by another tsunami. Tokyo is now covered in fish and seaweed

One newspaper described the situation as delicious.

Why are fish harder to catch in the middle of the day?

They are in schools

Where do fish keep their money?

The Riverbank

What is an impatient communist’s favorite fish?

Red Snapper

I tried to make a pie with fish innards!

It was cod offal.

What did blind man said when he passed the fish market?

&nbsp;
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Hello Ladies!

What do you call a fish with cancer?

Finding chemo

What's the difference between a cat burglar and a cat fish

A cat burglar will steal all your stuff but a cat fish will steal all your dignity.

What do you call a fish that lost his fin and grew another one?

Finnegan

Why did the fish swim across the Atlantic?

To get to the other tide.

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Apparently, 29% of pet owners let their pet sleep on the bed with them, so I gave it a try...

...my fucking goldfish died.

Have you seen the new fish burger from McDonald's?

They call it McKerel

What do fish smoke?

Sea weed

Why do Americans take a gun while they go fishing ?

Cause groups of fish are called schools

My friend laughed when I told him I could make an instrument sound better with fish.

He didn’t laugh for long when he saw how I could tuna guitar.

3 fish are arrested and questioned by an officer

The officer brings the first fish in for questioning. He asks, "Alright, what's your name?" To which the first fish responds, "Fish". "Okay, Fish," the officer replies. "Can you tell me what the hell you were doing in the public fountain??" The first fish smiles and says, "I was blowing bubbles, sir...

What do you call a fish stuck in a tree?

A fish stick!

My 4 year olds first joke.

Why do fish swim in salt water?

Because pepper makes them sneeze.

I made some fish tacos last night

But they just ignored them and swam away.

With relationships, they say there's plenty of fish in the sea...

But I'm just stuck here holding my rod

A fish and chip van crashed into two cars,

Both cars got battered!

An old man always leaves his fishing trips with tons of fish.

-my recently deceased grandpa told this all his life-


The game warden always asked him “How’d you catch so many fish?”

The old man would always say “Fisherman’s secret, can’t tell you.”

After about a year of asking, the old man finally agrees to take him fishing. As the two ...

The Pope, Jesus, and an old man are playing golf.

The pope crosses himself, blesses the ball, and swings. He drives the ball 600 miles. He bows his head and gives thanks for the amazing drive.


Jesus steps up to take his shot, I holds his hand in the air, creating a tailwind, and takes a swing. He drives the ball 900 miles.


T...

Why are musicians afraid of fish?

They have thousands of scales.

How do fish get high? (I'm so sorry)

SEAWEED!!



(*forgive me*)

What’s the difference between a bench, a fish, and a bucket of glue?

You can’t tune a bench but you can tuna fish! I bet you got stuck on the bucket of glue part.

I went to pike's market to buy some fresh fish.

Me: can I get a plastic bag for the fish please?

Cashier: it's already inside.

What do you call a fish rapper?

Swim Shady.

What did the fisherman say to the magician?

Pick a cod, any cod.

My Dad took me fishing

But the reel joke ...

A Park Ranger is patrolling one day

When he passes what appears to be a young fisherman carrying 5 fish in a bucket.

"Excuse me sir! You can't fish here. This is a National Park and all species are protected. I am going to have to take you to the Ranger Station."

"But sir, I didn't catch these fish here. These are my pe...

If you found a river in a video game with dead fish in it...

would it be considered a spawnpoint?

Perogies are like fish

You put them in the water and they float to the top when the're finished

Theres a live fish in a restaurant

Upon accepting his fate ge says to the chef in defeat "Fillet me to rest."


(i think i made it up myself could use some work probably)

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In Pennsylvania, you legally cannot catch a fish with your mouth...

...but that doesn’t stop me from eating pussy.

What do you call a small group of small fish?

A miniscule minnow mini school.

A fish is efficient

But a whale is a fishn't

D’ya hear about the annoyed shell fish...

a proper frustracean.

Lady Gaga once dated a fish

He felt that the relationship was abusive.



He was a cod in a bad romance.

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