Give a Man a Fish and You Will Feed Him for a Day.

Teach a man to fish and he will spend a fortune on gear he will only use twice a year.

Give a man a fish he eats for a day. What happens if you teach a man to duck?

He avoids walking into a bar.

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The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his Deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.

IRS AUDITOR: “I Need A List Of Your Employees And How Much You Pay Them".


Boat Owner: “Well, There's Clarence, My Deckhand, He's Been With Me For 3 Years. I Pay Him $1,000 A Week Plus Free Room And Board. Then There's The Mentally Challenged Guy. He Works About 18 Hours Every Day And Does...

I phoned the wife earlier and asked if she wanted me to pick up Fish and Chips on the way home, but she just grunted at me.

I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.

Last night I made fish tacos

They looked at them and just swam away.

Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says

"Okay, you man the guns. I'll drive."

what do you call a fake fish?

a de"koi"

>!(if you don't get it, say it out loud)!<

I kept asking the aquarium owner about the walking fish.

He said 'you axolotl questions!'

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How to catch a fish

Another joke that i heard in Hindi many years ago. Trying to translate in English.

On a sunny day, a man was sitting by a river with his fishing hook in the water hoping to catch a fish. He was unsuccessful, so he goes the next day and the day after and continuously for several days with no ...

A boy is selling fish on a corner.

To get his customers' attention, he begins yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!"

A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, ...

Who’s the wealthiest fish in the sea?

Gill Gates, the flounder of Mackerelsoft

Steve and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip....

Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and name calling, Steve headed home frustrated.

The following week when Steve's buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see Steve. He was alread...

what do you call a fish that can dunk?

swooshi !
(proud of this one)

What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?

Sofishticated.

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Chuck Norris injected his blood into a monkey, a fish, and a lizard.

These are now known as King Kong, Jaws, and Godzilla.

What every athlete says after winning: "First of all, I'd like to thank Chuck Norris for not competing."

Chuck can eat Chinese food with one chopstick.

Chuck threw a few rocks into the Pacific Ocean. These are now known as Ha...

What do you call a fish with no “eye”?

fsh

Joke of the day from my kid...

Americans like to fish by shooting guns at big groups of fish from their boats.

They call it "School Shootings".

I was going fishing, and caught a fish that told me I got three wishes

Then he said "wish wish wish"

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Are you goin to fish?

A game warden heard someone was fishing illegality so he arranged to go fishing with him. They row the boat out into a lake, the fisherman opens up his cooler, pulls out a stick of dynamite, lights it and throws it overboard. The game warden is shocked, he says, "Are you crazy, that's so illegal!" F...

What does a librarian take fishing?

A good hook!


(Evidently the correct answer is book worm but I liked my answer better!)

Noah was fishing one day off the side of the ark.

Suddenly he looked around and yelled out, "Can someone bring me the *other* worm?"

While fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat.

He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft.

Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted:

“Are there any gators around here?!”

“No,” the man hollered back, “they ain’t been around for years!”

Feeling safe,...

How do you call a fish that has trouble walking?

Limpin Karp

A lonely fisherman decided to use his internet instead of a regular fishing net.

All he caught were catfish.

A man walks into a bakery with a salmon under his arm and says “do you have fish cakes?” The chap behind the counter replies, “No”.

“That’s a pity, it’s his birthday”.


I was going to make a cake day joke...
But I feel like it would have too many layers

A man is obsessed with reeling in a big fish... A man is obsessed with reeling in a big fish, so much so that he eventually buys a huge, synthetic sturgeon and hangs it on the wall above his fireplace.

Eventually, however, looking at the fake trophy makes the man feel like a fraud, and he can't stand it.

One day, he makes a final attempt at fishing up something impressive. Finally, after hours of waiting, he reels in a record-breaking chub, one that weighs more than any other in recorded hi...

An Irish man goes fishing

The rain was pouring down outside O'Connor's Irish Pub. There standing in front of a big puddle outside the pub was an old Irishman, drenched, holding a stick, with a piece of string dangling in the water.

A passer-by stopped and asked him, "What are you doing?"
“Fishing” replied the ol...

A man wants to go ice fishing.

He goes onto the ice, drills a hole, and puts out his line.
Suddenly he hears a loud voice from above, saying ‘THERE ARE NO FISH THERE.’
He gets up, a little confused, and moves to another spot on the ice, drilling another hole and throwing his line out again.
Once again, he hears: ‘THER...

What music do fish listen to?

Something catchy

I named my fish mixolydian and dorian

Only way I could tell them apart was by their scales

A man gets stopped by a game warden with his basket full of fish.

Warden: do you have a permit for all these fish?

Man: no sir. These are all my pet fish

Warden: your pet fish? How’s that?

Man: well, every night I take all my pet fish for a walk to the lake, I let them swim for about a half hour, and then I whistle and they all come back and j...

(My 8 year old just told me this one) Who is the fish's valentine?

His Gil-Friend!

Idc what ya'll say, that was golden! Lol

What did the fish say to the fisherman?

"No one will ever believe you."

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There once was a fish

One day, a fish was swimming down a lake when he spotted a fly...
“Boy, I wish that fly would fly just a little lower so I could eat it” thought the fish.
Little did the fish know though, that there was a bear waiting nearby...
“Oh boy, if that fly would go just a little lower, the fish wou...

What did the fish say when it ran into the brick wall?

Dam

P.s. sorry if you know this one

Fishing Buddies

A Kiwi and an Aussie went fishing one afternoon and decided to have a couple of cold beers.

After a while the Aussie says to the Kiwi, "If I was to sneak over to your house and made wild passionate love to your wife while you were at work, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make...

Fishing is for Narc's

Just saying that there seems to be an awful lot of baiting and entrapment going on

how do fish get high

they smoke seaweed

What kind of fish has a medical degree?

A Sturgeon.

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Why do fish live in saltwater?

Because pepper makes them sneeze.

Two English gentlemen are fishing on a boat

As they are both fishing in silence, as gentlemen do, the one gets a big pull on his line. After a fair amount of fighting, he pulls a beautiful mermaid out of the water. As he is holding her, he looks at her head to tail: top half woman, and from the waist down fish.

The mermaid looks at him...

What did one fish say to another ?

Keep your mouth shut and you'll never get caught.

(could apply to to humans)

What part of a fish weighs the most?

The scales.

A game warden catches an unlicensed fisherman in the act. "You're going to pay a big fine for all those fish in your bucket" But, officer, I didn't catch these -- they are my pet fish and I just bring them here to swim. When they're done they jump back into the bucket.

"Oh really? This I've got to see. If you can prove it, I'll let you go."r>
The fisherman empties the bucket into the lake and waits patiently. A few minutes go by and nothing happens.

Game warden: So where are the fish?

Fisherman: What fish?

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A Russian and a Ukrainian go fishing together. They catch a talking goldfish, and she grants them 3 wishes if they let her go

The Russian Says: We Used My Fishing Rod, So I Get First 2 Wishes.
First: I Want All The Capitalists Out Of My Glorious Country.
Second: I Want A Big Wall Around Russia, Nobody Can Cross.

Then Ukrainian Has A Dialogue With The Fish
- Is The Wall Done?
- Yes
- Is It Strong And D...

What do you call a fish that eats ass?

A bottom feeder.

How do you make a stone fish

You give it sea-weed

What kind of STD's do fish get?

**Merm-aids**

The world was a dust cloud, then it solidified, and some fish evolved into a human

And the rest was history

Fish tank

my friend told me they just got a new fish tank. They hadn’t gotten many fish yet, so it was still in the betta stage.

What do you call the racial separation of fish?

An apart-tide

You know why fish are so political?

They are always taking debate.

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Why isn't Skrillex invited fishing?

Because he keeps dropping the bass.

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Two men are fishing one day, when the game warden approaches them and asked to see their fishing licenses.

One man takes off running at a full sprint, and instinctively the warden chases after him.

He chased the man over a hill and through a field, around the lake, and through the town, until finally he catches up with him.

“Aha! Gotcha! Now show me your fishing license!”

“Sure thin...

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My favourite joke to perform. Terrible accent recommended.

Pierre, zee French fighter pilot is with his amour.

"Oh, Pierre, I want you to kiss me", she exclaims.

And so he tilts her chin up and leans in, but just before he plants a kiss on her lips, he pours a little red wine on them, and then goes in for the kiss.

"Oh, Pierre, mon di...

Give a man a fish and he will be fed for a day,

Give a man a gram of uranium and he will be fed for the rest of his life.

What is the funniest fish?

A piranha-ha-ha.

In fact, it hurt itself laughing so hard, it had to see a sturgeon.

I got arrested for fishing without a license at a dubstep festival.

The arresting officer yelled "drop the bass!"

Why do fish stay in the sea?

Because they know they're Plaice.

Went to the pet shop to buy a gold fish the other day... Guy asks if I want a aquarium

Like I care about its star sign!

Fishing for whiskey...

“Poor Old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?” The old man replied, ...

What do you call a dead fish that worked for the military?

Marine corpse

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An old man takes his grandson fishing in a local pond one day.

After 20 minutes of fishing, the old man fires up a cigar. The young boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?" The old man asks, "Son, can your d*ck touch your asshole?" The young boy says no. "Then u can't have a cigar." Another 20 minutes passes, and the old man opens a beer. The young boy asks, "G...

After a day fishing in the ocean a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two lobsters in a bucket.

He is approached by the ranger who asks him for his fishing license.

The fisherman says to the warden, "I did not catch these lobsters, they are my pets. Everyday I come down to the water and whistle and these lobster jump out and I take them for a walk only to return them at the end of the d...

What language does a fish speak?

Finnish.

On our first date, I couldn't figure out why my wife was acting like a fish.

Turns out she was just being Koi.

What do fraternity fish study in college?

Algae, bruh.

Why do koi fish always travel in groups of 4?

So the A koi, the B koi, and the C koi can escape, because they know the predator will always go after the D koi.

You hear the one about the blonde who went on a fishing expedition with three fishermen?

She came back with a red snapper.

A detective finds a new clue, a coiled and bloody fishing line

Turns out, it was just a red hair ring

What fish is made out of two sodium atoms?

2 Na

Fishing on thin ice

One day a rather inebriated ice fisherman drilled a hole in the ice and peered into the hole and a loud voice from above said, “There are no fish down there.” He walked several yards away and drilled another hole and peered into the hole and again the voice said, “There’s no fish down there.” He the...

What do you have to pick in order to embarrass yourself during a formal dinner, when given a choice of four different utensils for eating fish?

Your nose.

(I made this up when trying to go to sleep at 3 a.m., please don't judge me)

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A man was going ice fishing.

He goes out onto the ice, cuts open a hold, and lowers his bait into the hole. 45 minutes pass, and the man has not gotten a nibble. A younger man walks out onto the ice, drills a hole right next to him, lowers his bait, and within a few minutes has hooked a largemouth bass.

The first man is...

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A young ventriloquist is touring Sweden and puts on a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Swedish blonde women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s men like y...

What is a profane chef's least favorite fish to work with?

cod, dammit.

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A fisherman is out fishing on a lake when he hears far off in the distance a man yelling “help me help me”...

At first he decides to ignore it. But then hears the man yell “ help me, I’m a wizard, if you help me I’ll grant you any wish you want”

So he rows over to help him and pulls him onto his boat.

“Thanks” says the man “now I can grant you three wishes”

*I wish I had a giant mansion...

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A priest hooks a huge fish

A priest hooks a huge fish

Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!".

"Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.

Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called, it's a Fucker fish".<...

Keeping tropical fish at home can have a truly calming effect on the brain.

Due to all the indoor fins.

What do you call a fish with two knees?

A two knee fish.

What's the difference between a piano and a fish?

You can tune a piano, but you cant tuna fish.

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Q: What kind of fish goes well with peanut butter?

A: Jellyfish!

I once drew a fish but...

...it wasn’t to scale.

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Two red necks go fishing

They row out to the middle of the lake and started to pull out fish after fish. One redneck says “We have to remember this spot! We should paint an X on the bottom of the boat so we know where it is”

“You idiot!” Says the other redneck “It’ll just wash off!”

What news sources do fish prefer?

Click bait (sorry for the dad joke)

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A team of archaeologists were excavating in Israel when they found a cave with the symbols of a woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish and a Star of David on the wall.

Pointing to the first drawing, the head of the team declared: 'This indicates that these people were family oriented and held women in high position. The donkey shows that they were intelligent enough to use animals to till the soil. The shovel means that they were able to forge tools. Even further ...

I got arrested for illegal fishing, even though there weren't any 'no fishing' signs.

Apparently if it's an aquarium in a hotel lobby, you don't need a sign.

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God asks Adam “Where is Eve?”

Adam says “she’s at the river washing her pussy”.

God says “Damn you, Adam. I’m never gonna be able to get that smell off the fishes again...”

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into the large Catholic neighborhood.

On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday during Lent.

On the last Friday of Lent the neighborhood men got together and decided that something just HAD t...

Give a man a fish and he'll ask for chips.

Give a man chips and he'll beg for salt.

Give a man salt and he's going to want a drink.

Give a man enough drink, and he'll start complimenting your wife.

Give a man your wife and you can go fishing as much as you'd like.

In light of the rising frequency of human - grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is...

advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field. They advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. They also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in ...

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The Fish and the Fly

Just below the surface of a nearby lake, a fish watches a fly buzzing along and thinks to himself, “If that fly drops 4 inches, I’m gonna jump out of the water and eat that fly.” A bear at the edge of the woods is also watching and he thinks to himself, “If that fly drops 4” and the fish jumps out ...

The lonely fish

Deep in the bamboo forest, there lived a tiny fish alone in a pond. Every day he swam around the pond in solitude. His little heart longed for a companion. He gradually became incredibly sad, he stopped eating and he started losing the color in his scales. A fairy, passing by, was taken with the pl...

Fish 1: So I heard you had kids. Where are they from?

Fish 2: The sea section

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Ice Fishing

It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line, and waited patiently for a bite.


He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out onto the ice and cut a hole in the ice next to him...

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The Fish and The Fly (Long)

Out in the woods one day there’s a Fish watching a fly. Fish is thinking to himself man if that fly drops 6 inches I’m gonna jump up out of that water and get me a tasty dinner.

Now there’s a bear watching the fish watching the fly. Bear says man if that fly drops six inches I’m gonna get me...

What do you called a mentally challenged freshwater fish that has never met it’s father?

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Basstard

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The build up is what makes it

So a priest walks down from the church into the market.

he sees a young boy at a stand, selling fish.

he had never seen fish like these.

so the priest walks over to the boy and asks, "what type of fish are these?"

boy replies "sons of bitches"

priest says" you shou...

Why dont peple fish for non metals?

Because it is very boron

I still remember my fathers last words...."you selfish boy"

So i became a fishmonger, to follow his dying wish.

Sven and Oli went ice fishing.

They had fished in this lake for decades, and they knew there were no more fish in the lake, but they went because they enjoyed going and getting away from their wives. After a while, a young kid came along and cut a hole in the ice under a tree, close to the shore. Sven and Oli looked at each other...

What do you call a fish who raps?

A. Swim Shady

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day

Teach a man to phish and he will start emailing people telling them he’s a Nigerian Prince

Spring Fishing

Three guys were out fishing and drinking beer one fine early Spring morning. The lake's ice was now completely melted and the sun shone bright. As one of the guys stood to pee he lost his balance and teetered overboard. When he hadn't surfaced after a few moments one of his friends dove in to try ...

A woman has a failing marriage, and she feels bad about it.

Her husband won't listen to her or acknowledge her, or anything. All he does is sit on the couch watching football and waiting for meals. The woman decides to go to the pet store to find a pet.

At the store, she sees all sorts of animals, such as fish, dogs, cats, parrots, and even a horse. S...

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A father and son go fishing

While fishing the father cracks open a beer, the son says dad can I have a beer? The father asks can your Dick touch your asshole? “No” said the son, the father said you can’t have one then. A little while later the father lights up a cigar, the son asks dad, can I have a cigar? The father asks does...

I have a fish

that can breakdance! Only for 20 seconds though, and only once.

A woman goes into Cabela’s to buy a fishing pole for her grandson.

She doesn’t know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark glasses. She says to him, “Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?” He says, “Ma’am, I’m completely blind; but if you’ll drop...

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My brother-in-law and I were fishing

Not having any luck when he told me to row faster. I rowed and rowed when all of a sudden both oars snapped right in half.

Stranded my brother-in-law said, "What now dipshit?"

"Don't worry. Somebody is going to come by." I answered.

Just then around a corner came an Englishman ...

What do you call hunting for fish in Chernobyl?

Nuclear fishin'.

I woke up with fish in my ears this morning

Ended up with a herring problem

Three friends are out fishing, having a competition to see who can catch the biggest fish.

The first guy says “Ill use worms as bait, surely this will catch the largest fish. My dad was a fisherman for all of his life, and taught me all of his tricks to catching the biggest fish. There is no possible way you guys can beat me.”

The second guy bursts out laughing. “You expect to catc...

Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.

Teach a man to fish, he eats for a lifetime.

Teach 100 men to fish, you're the single biggest threat to our ecosystem.

What did the cow do when it ate a fish?

It chewed the cod

A poem

A fisher was fishing a bass

The water came up to his knee.



Strange, it rhymed this morning when there was high tide.

The swordfish has no natural predators to fear from....

.....except the penfish, which is supposed to be even mightier.

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Jesus and Moses go Fishing

Jesus and Moses are sitting by a riverbank, fishing, and shooting the shit about the good ol' days.

Moses says, "I had a few great days, but I have to say, that day I parted the Red Sea was the best of them. Man, that was spectacular! You should have seen the look on everyone's faces." ...

What does the blind man say when walking past the fish market?

“Good evening ladies”

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