Why did the cows keep returning to the field of marijuana?

It was the pot calling the cattle back.

What newspaper do cattle read?

The Daily Moos.

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What do you call a cattle breeder?

A beef jerker.

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It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow-choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine.

The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake. "Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot - I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want."

The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of th...

I have 10,000 head of cattle back at the ranch.

Of course they're not worth much without the bodies.

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What do you call a herd of masturbating cattle?

*Beef-strokin-off*

A rancher turned weed farmer lost half a million dollar worth of his Marijuana crop to cattle.

The rancher had tried a novel idea of planting Marijuana in the grazing range as cows normally don't eat Marijuana. Unfortunately for him the cows developed a special predilection for the supposedly weed plant. The rancher is devastated but he was well aware that the steaks were high.

Why did the cattle rancher give up his small cannabis farm?

The steaks were getting too high.

I asked a cattle rancher if he knew any good cow jokes

but he totally butchered them.

Slogan for a cattle farm that's struggling to survive after being pressured by big pharma

We're doing rBST.

What do a cattle farmer and a compulsive gambler have in common?

They're both interested in raising the stakes/steaks.

A cattle transporter was moving a bus full of baby cows. He tried to make them sit still but they kept rotating.

I guess the veals on the bus go round and round.

What do you call a Texan cattle herder who wants to make holy war?

A yeehawdi. (Jihadi)

I was going to tell you a joke about cattle

But you probably have herd it before

What do you call sleeping male cattle?

Bulldozers.

What do you call a support group for cattle herders?

A steakholders meeting

An Easterner is visiting the West, and sees a man rounding up cattle on horseback.

He's wearing a ball cap, t-shirt, and tennis shoes. When the rider gets closer the guy waves him down and asks, "Hey, are you a cowboy?" The cowboy answers," Yep, I sure am." The guy asks, "Where's your Stetson, belt buckle, and cowboy boots?" The cowboy answers, "I don't want people to think I'm a ...

I recently got into high risk cattle farming

I'll be raising the steaks.

A herd of cattle got into a cannabis farm and began to graze...

When asked how serious the situation was, the owner responded, "the steaks have never been higher!"

What did Captain Obvious say as a baby cattle entered the room?

A door a bull

What do you call cattle that don't have courage?

Cowards.




*Thanks folks, I wrote this when I was 7 years old!*

A blonde and a brunette own a cattle ranch

Their bull's gotten a bit old and his about ready for the meat processor, so they decide that the brunette will head over out to another town to buy one. The brunette explains:

"We have $1000 to get that bull, that's all. I'm going to head to town with the Corolla and try to find us one. ...

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Little Johnny was sent to his grandparents farm to spend the summer.

The first morning, grandpa was having coffee and reading his paper when he saw Johnny walking by him with a roll of chicken wire.

“What are you doing with that chicken wire?”

“I’m going to catch some chickens!” Johnny replied.

“You can’t catch no chickens with that chicken wir...

The USSR also sent cattle along with the monkey that went to space...

...it was the herd shot around the world.

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What do you call it when a tornado hit's a cattle feed lot?

A shit storm.

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A herd of masturbating cattle is called Beef Stroganoff, but what do you call it when they do it to each other?

Hamburger Helper

Ranchers in Colorado are conducting a crucial experiment on the environmental sustainability of using hemp as a feed source for cattle.

The steaks have never been higher.

Did you hear about the rancher who put 196 cattle out to pasture?

When he rounded them up, he had 200.

A man is shopping for cattle in 1886...

He finally settles on a perfect Black Angus bull. He says to the owner "Here's the money. I need to send a message to my wife to come pick up the bull. She already knows where I am but I need her to come pick him up now before it gets dark. Where can a fella send a telegram?" The owner tells him tha...

A herd of cattle... A murder of crows...

...a migraine of children...

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I pity all cattle farmers

They have to deal with so much bullshit.

A farmer invested $10 million of his own money for a research on 'effects of Marijuana on cattle'.

The steaks were high.

Why do butchers avoid buying cattle from Colorado?

Because the steaks are too high.

A dairy farmer walks in to his feed store and asks the clerk, "Has your product recently changed?"

"Same formula for two decades now" replies the clerk. "Why do you ask? Your cattle not eating?"

"No, it's not that. It's just that their flatulence has become unbearable. It used to not bother me, but it's got to the point that I can't even be in the barn without wearing a respirator."
<...

A farmer comes into a large amount of money and decides to buy his son's a large ranch where they can raise cattle. He calls the ranch "Focus".

Because it's where the sun's rays meet.

The most heinous crime--against both Man and Nature--would be to plant dynamite inside cattle

That, my friends, would be a-bomb-in-a-bull...

My dad just told me that in some cultures, they trade women for cattle.

At first I was a bit concerned, but then I realised putting food on your family's plates was was much more important that cleaning those plates.

How do farmers count their cattle?

With a *cow*culator

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Jim and his Jolly Cattle Ranchers.

Jim had been a rancher for most of his adult life, it's only thing he was ever good at.


On Sunday evenings, Jim would head on down to the local bar to meet up with other cattle ranchers in the area and shoot the breeze. On such an evening, Jim was in the middle of an animated discussion ...

A farmer's cattle broke out of their pen and got into the marijuana plants he was growing.

The steaks were really high.

In a last ditch effort to curb over grazing, some ranchers have decided to drive their cattle up into the mountains.

Analysts say the steaks have never been higher.

Fencing in Cattle

Three gentleman who excel in their respective fields are invited to compete in a competition. Competing are: a top Engineer, a shrewd Businessman, and an award-winning Mathematician. The judges, in turn ask each gentleman to fence in a herd of cattle using the shortest length of fence.

The e...

What do you call someone who invested in a cattle farm?

He has a steak in it.

What are Turkish cattle best known for?

Mootiny.

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Ted and Bill are riding thier horses down the cattle ranch

When Ted spots a cow pie. He says to Bill "I will give you 200 bucks to eat that cow pie." and Bill responds "200 bucks? Thats easy!" so he jumps down and eats the cow pie right then. A few minutes later he sits up and Ted gives him his $200. Ted says "well I'll be damned. I didn't think you'd do it...

Why can't you keep a secret from cattle?

They herd

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A cattle farmer had three sons...

Mark, Jakob, and David.

Mark and Jakob weren't much for farm life.
Mark took off at 16 for the city, and didn't come back.
Jakob waited until he completed college, whenceforth he became a businessman and lawyer.

David, however, stayed with his father on the farm his whole life t...

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A cowboy walks into a saloon after a 2 month cattle drive. . .

. . . and asks the barman for 2 shots of whiskey and a pretty prostitute.

"We ain't got no girls here," says the barman. "But if yer desperate enough, Pretty Larry is in the back alley."

"I ain't that desperate," says the cowboy.

A while later the cowboy returns from a 4 month c...

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation.

There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says,
"Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large". 

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, <...

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What deal did the undead entrepreneurial cattle farmer advertise?

Shit for Brains

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An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses, mending fences, and branding cattle, so I guess I am."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. As...

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A farmer goes outside to check his livestock

While observing the cattle he notices that he needs to clean up the accumulated manure in one of his corrals. So he gets the tractor and pushes the muck into a pile on the edge of the pen. As he does this, the pile leans against the fence causing the wood to break and splinter. The farmer turns to h...

Young Bill

Young Bill was courting Mabel, from the adjoining cattle ranch.


One evening, as they sat on Bill's porch watching the sun go down over the western hills, Bill spied his prized stallion humping one of his mares.


He sighed in contentment at this idyllic rural scene and figured th...

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The cowboy

So it's the days of the old west. A cattle drive has ended in St. Louis, and a cowboy comes into a fancy restaurant. He's dirty, he's hungry, and he's tired.

The restaurant is crowded; the only seat available is next to a very wealthy, very proper woman with lots of jewelry and her nose in t...

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“Do you know what it means when a bunch of horses are bucking around and going crazy?”

No papa i don’t.

It means there’s a storm coming. Do you know what it means when a herd of cattle are all lying down?

There’s a storm coming?

No, they’re fucking tired.



*told to me by my 80 year old grandfather*

What do you call Fortnite with cows?

A cattle royale.

Why are farmers, who take good inventory of their cows, so efficient at chemical reactions?

Because they have a cattle list.

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An old cowboy walks into a bar

He's wearing a sun-tanned hat, a weathered and dusty leather jacket, and boots with spurs. He has a sheathed knife on his left hip, and on his right a holstered revolver.

A beautiful young woman comes up to him and asks, "Excuse me sir, I'm sure you get this a lot, but are you really a cowbo...

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Big juicy steak

Mitch and Bob are eating dinner at Bob’s cattle ranch.

“Bob, this steak is so good. How do you do it?”

“I got a little secret. Thing is, before you slaughter the cows, ya gotta *tenderize* the meat,” says Bob with a sly wink.

Aghast, Mitch spits out his streak, “You don’t mean...

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Success

Joe was showing his date what a successful and influential man he had become, and he really wanted his date to be impressed as she was a true 10.
"Sue, this resturant is the finest in the state. 3 Michelin stars, reservations booked solid for nine months, an icon. I built this up from a hotdog ...

Donald Trump...

-A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits the Middle East.
-Two million Muslims die and over a million are injured.
-Iraq, Iran and Syria are totally ruined and the governments don't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.
-The rest of the world ...

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A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a beer...

Taking the beer, he takes a few sips.

A couple sits down next to him, orders drinks and starts up a conversation with the cowboy. They ask him, "Are you a real cowboy?"

The cowboy thinks for a moment, and says "Well, I guess so. I ride horses, herd cattle, wear cowboy boots, work out...

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The tale of Paul and Old Joe

There once was a man named Paul who, after some trouble with the law, found himself homeless behind a fast food joint just outside of Wichita, Kansas. He stayed there for a few days, drinking from the bathroom sinks and eating scraps from the trash, when an old rancher named Joe found him and took p...

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Hillbilly CPR

Two hillbillies walk into a bar to wash the dust from their throats and grab a beer. They are standing at the bar drinking their beers and talking about current cattle prices when all of a sudden a woman at a nearby table, who was eating a sandwich, begins to choke. After a minute or so, it becomes ...

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A farmer's three virgin daughters are all going on their first date...

Farmer brown loves his daughters dearly, and is fiercely protective of them. So when they all ended up going on their first dates all on the same night, you might say he was a bit angry.

The farmer agreed, but only if he could meet each potential suitor at the door with his shotgun at his sid...

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Post turtles.

An old farmer was getting his hand stitched up after an accident at his cattle farm.

He and the doctor start into conversation, which leads into politics.

The old farmer explained, "Well, as I see it, most politicians are 'Post Turtles'."

Not being familiar with the term, the do...

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A cowboy is sitting in a bar...

A woman sits down next to him and says, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He says, "Well ma'am, I ride a horse all day, herd cattle, rope cattle, brand cattle. I reckon I'm a real cowboy alright. So... you like cowboys, do ya?"
She says, "Oh, don't get the wrong idea. I'm a lesbian."
Cowboy sa...

A classic

Judge "I see by your filing sir that you are suing the defendant for damages and injuries received when his cattle truck ran a red light and broadsided your car, now the damages I can understand but the defendant has provided a police report that says you claimed to be uninjured at the scene, why ar...

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Three cowboys (nsfw)

Three cowboys are sitting around a fire boasting about how tough they are.

The cowboy from Oklahoma says, "I was driving cattle last year, and was bit on the ass by a rattler. Finished the cattle drive. Took three days before I got the doc to look at me. Didn't shed a tear."

The cowbo...

Two Texans are sitting on a plane from Dallas and an old Jewish Texan is sitting between them.

The first Texan says, "My name is
Roger. I own 250,000 acres. I have 10,000 head of cattle and they call my place The Jolly Roger."


The second Texan says, "My name is John. I own 350,000 acres. I have 50,000 head of cattle and they call my place Big John's."


They both look d...

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Mister, why doesn't this cow have any horns

"Mister, why doesn't this cow have any horns?" asked the young lady from a nearby city. The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone, "Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep'em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up ...

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A cowboy walks into a bar...

A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a drink, as a woman comes in and sits next to him. After a few minutes, she asks "Are you a real cowboy?". "Well, I work on a barn, watch my cattle and fix the fences, I guess I'm a real cowboy."

The woman says "Hm, I'm a lesbian. I think of women the whol...

A Texan cowboy was walking down the road

When a little old lady walked up to him and asked, "Are you one of those cowboys every body talks about?"

"Why yes ma'am I am." He replied

"The ones who ride around on horses and herd cattle?" She continued.

"Yes ma'am I am."

"The kind who ties up those calves and brands ...

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A sad story...

A radio reporter decides that he would like to introduce how people lived before to his younger audience, so he goes to a remote village and seeks out the older living person there. After explaining his intentions he starts with the interview.
- Sir, I would like to ask you to tell me a happy st...

The sheriff's girlfriend asks to get married

GF: Please, marry me?
Sheriff: I can't, I have to go catch bank robbers.

GF: Please, marry me?
Sheriff: I can't, I have to go catch the cattle rustlers.

GF: Please, marry me?
Sheriff: I can't, I have to go catch the men who held up the train.

Moral of the story, some me...

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A Cowboy walks into a bar, and sits alone in the corner...

Soon enough, after ordering drinks, a woman walks over and sits down with him and asks "are you a real cowboy?"

He replies, "I've spend my whole life rearing livestock, droving cattle, and riding a horse till my ass is red raw, so yeah, I think I'm a cowboy."

The woman nods, and goes q...

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A cows tail

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the Doctor asked him, 'What happened to YOU?'
'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our...

2 farmers sitting on a porch just passin the time, shootin the sh!t

when a marijuana plant yells out of no where:

"You big dumb dark cow!"

One of the farmer turns to his friend and says

"look at the pot calling the cattle black"

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The Rodeo

Two ranchers are sitting on a fence taking a break while their cattle eat when one looks at the other and says, "What's your favorite sex position?"

The other rancher looks at him and says, "I'm a pretty plain guy, missionary I guess. What's yours?"

"Mine? I like the rodeo," the firs...

For my teacher who used to tell this one....

Two traveling salesmen were riding together across West Texas when their car began to sputter and cough. Soon, it died completely and they were stranded on the side of a state highway with little traffic.

Fortunately, a pick up truck pulled over to help. The driver was a comely middle aged wo...

So farmer Bob had a rivalry with farmer Jim.

They were both cattle farmers but Jim's herd was much larger and fatter, and his meat went for much more money. So bob started looking for a way to bulk up his cows. He started experimenting. Eventually he discovered that feeding them marijuana made them grow exponentially, while also making them mo...

TIL of an odd political problem in Colorado.

Cattle has long been the number one agricultural product of Colorado, but the recent legalization of marijuana is causing significant and unforeseen problems.

Apparently, cows love marijuana as much as people, and cattle ranches and nearby marijuana farms are on the brink of open warfare. Co...

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Y'all ever hear the one about the recently married Amish couple? NSFW

After a wonderful ceremony, the Amish groom and his new wife hopped into their buggy and started down the road...

After a little while the couple come upon a cattle farm. They see a bull mounting a cow proceeding to fuck. The wife looks to her husband and says, "Honey, what are those cows doi...

A Texan goes to Australia for vacation...

... while there, he takes a tour with a local guide. While driving around the guide points out a large wheat field. "In Texas, we have wheat fields twice as large!" They then drive past a herd of cattle. "Our long horns are at least twice that large in Texas!" the Texan drawls. The guide is becoming...

A cowboy shows up the morning of his first...

A cowboy shows up the morning of his first cattle drive. He notices a small flock of sheep with the cattle but thinks nothing of it. After a few weeks on the trail, he was watching the herd one night when he notices a drover go to the flock of sheep, pick one out, and take it over a hill. He brought...

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3 cowboys are sitting around a campfire...

...and talking about how tough they are.
The cowboy from Arkansas says, "I'm so tough I once russled a bear with my bare hands".
They all look kind of impressed.
Then the cowboy from New Mexico says, " T'aint nothin. I once stopped a stampede of cattle using a piece of straw, a pinecone an...

Abbott and Costello

Costello: . . . I was in love with a bow-legged cowgirl and she was roundin' up cattle. Abbott: And what happened? Costello: She couldn't get her calves together. ~ Rio Rita (1942)

3 Cowboys

Back in the Old West three Texas cowboys were
about to be hung for cattle rustling. The lynch mob brought the
three men to a tree right at the edge of the Rio Grande. The idea was that when each man had died, they'd cut the rope and he'd drop into the river and drift out of sight

The...

Blonde Joke

An old visually impaired cattle rustler meanders into an all-young lady biker bar by misstep...
He discovers his way to a bar stool and requests an injection of Jack Daniels.
Subsequent to staying there for some time, he shouts to the barkeep, 'Hello, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The b...

Umgawala!

The British came to America wanting to colonize the land some years after it had been discovered by Colombus. With the help of a translator the british ambassador made a speech to the general populous telling them how amazing things would be under the British rule.
"We will make roads for you" he...

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The bull trick (a bit long)

An old cattle farmer is being helped by the local vet with his herd of cows and bulls. It is breading season and some of his older bulls are having a bit of a hard time performing. These are top of the line studs, but age is finally catching up with the bulls. The farmer laments to the vet "Well, I ...

A hungry lion was walking through the savanna...

When he chanced upon a bull that had escaped from a nearby cattle ranch. Stalking the runaway was a meager challenge and the lion pounced from the tall grass and made short work and a large meal of his find. So proud of himself was the lion that he threw his head back and roared with all his might.<...

Can't remember this joke 100% about a farmer counting his cows.

It has something to do with counting the heads of all his cattle and then I think it ends in a really dry punch line. Any help?

EDIT* got it thanks to /u/noncharacteristic

"A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200."

So there is a First class only Indian Airline.

Their motto is "We will treat you passengers like Cattle"

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Rooty the Rooster [NSFW]

Farmer John found himself in a bit of a rut. His crops weren't yelding like they use to, cattle prices had hit an all time low, and he was really strapped for cash. After discussing it with Mrs. Farmer John, they decided to salvage what they had, sell the farm, and move to greener pastures. He kisse...

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