A farmer is selling his cattle at the market

He asks his friend to watch over his stand while he goes to the bathroom. When he gets back, he's alerted that one of his donkeys has died.
The farmer asks, "Are you serious?"
His friend replies, "Dead ass"

why did the cows return to the marijuana field?

it was the pot calling the cattle back

Very Punny

What happened to the rancher who lost his cattle?

Nobody’s herd.

Terrorist groups in the Middle East have started surgically implanting improvised explosive devices inside the cattle that they drive through town on the way to market

The UN has described this practice as abominable.

Click for hint: >!(hint - say it out loud)!<

A cowboy emigrated to Wales

and opened a ranch at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch



Unfortunately, none of his cattle survived the branding.

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One Sunday morning in the middle of a blizzard

One Sunday morning in February, the young new pastor slowly made his way to the rural church in the middle of a blizzard, arriving with just five minutes to spare. He walked in, turned on the lights and looked around. No one else was there.

As he was about to turn everything off and go back...

I have 10,000 head of cattle back at the ranch.

Of course they're not worth much without the bodies.

What newspaper do cattle read?

The Daily Moos.

A New York family bought a ranch out west where they intended to raise cattle. Friends came to visit and asked if the ranch had a name

"Well," said the would-be-cattleman. "I wanted to call it the Bar-J, my wife favored the Suzy-Q, one son liked the Flying-W, and the other son wanted the Lazy-Y. So, we're calling it the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y."

"But, where are all your cattle?"

"None have survived the branding...

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What do you call a herd of masturbating cattle?

*Beef-strokin-off*

Twelve of Jesus's closest followers have been accused of slaughtering a herd of cattle.

Police are treating it as apostle bull murder.

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What do you call a cattle breeder?

A beef jerker.

What do you call a Texan cattle herder who wants to make holy war?

A yeehawdi. (Jihadi)

A rancher turned weed farmer lost half a million dollar worth of his Marijuana crop to cattle.

The rancher had tried a novel idea of planting Marijuana in the grazing range as cows normally don't eat Marijuana. Unfortunately for him the cows developed a special predilection for the supposedly weed plant. The rancher is devastated but he was well aware that the steaks were high.

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation.

There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says,
"Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large". 

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, <...

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A farmer goes outside to check his livestock

While observing the cattle he notices that he needs to clean up the accumulated manure in one of his corrals. So he gets the tractor and pushes the muck into a pile on the edge of the pen. As he does this, the pile leans against the fence causing the wood to break and splinter. The farmer turns to h...

I asked a cattle rancher if he knew any good cow jokes

but he totally butchered them.

A group of cowboys were branding some cattle

While they were out the cook saw a sheep tied to a post. Thinking it was for that nights dinner he cooked it.
That night after dinner the cowboys were all sulking and ignoring the cook. He pulled one aside and asked, "Did I screw up the cooking?"
"No", the cowboy replied, "You cooked up the...

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It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow-choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine.

The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake. "Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot - I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want."

The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of th...

Young Bill

Young Bill was courting Mabel, from the adjoining cattle ranch.


One evening, as they sat on Bill's porch watching the sun go down over the western hills, Bill spied his prized stallion humping one of his mares.


He sighed in contentment at this idyllic rural scene and figured th...

Why did the cattle rancher give up his small cannabis farm?

The steaks were getting too high.

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“Do you know what it means when a bunch of horses are bucking around and going crazy?”

No papa i don’t.

It means there’s a storm coming. Do you know what it means when a herd of cattle are all lying down?

There’s a storm coming?

No, they’re fucking tired.



*told to me by my 80 year old grandfather*

What do you call sleeping male cattle?

Bulldozers.

A blonde and a brunette own a cattle ranch

Their bull's gotten a bit old and his about ready for the meat processor, so they decide that the brunette will head over out to another town to buy one. The brunette explains:

"We have $1000 to get that bull, that's all. I'm going to head to town with the Corolla and try to find us one. ...

An Easterner is visiting the West, and sees a man rounding up cattle on horseback.

He's wearing a ball cap, t-shirt, and tennis shoes. When the rider gets closer the guy waves him down and asks, "Hey, are you a cowboy?" The cowboy answers," Yep, I sure am." The guy asks, "Where's your Stetson, belt buckle, and cowboy boots?" The cowboy answers, "I don't want people to think I'm a ...

What do a cattle farmer and a compulsive gambler have in common?

They're both interested in raising the stakes/steaks.

I recently got into high risk cattle farming

I'll be raising the steaks.

Why are farmers, who take good inventory of their cows, so efficient at chemical reactions?

Because they have a cattle list.

The USSR also sent cattle along with the monkey that went to space...

...it was the herd shot around the world.

What do you call Fortnite with cows?

A cattle royale.

What did Captain Obvious say as a baby cattle entered the room?

A door a bull

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Big juicy steak

Mitch and Bob are eating dinner at Bob’s cattle ranch.

“Bob, this steak is so good. How do you do it?”

“I got a little secret. Thing is, before you slaughter the cows, ya gotta *tenderize* the meat,” says Bob with a sly wink.

Aghast, Mitch spits out his streak, “You don’t mean...

A cattle transporter was moving a bus full of baby cows. He tried to make them sit still but they kept rotating.

I guess the veals on the bus go round and round.

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A sad story...

A radio reporter decides that he would like to introduce how people lived before to his younger audience, so he goes to a remote village and seeks out the older living person there. After explaining his intentions he starts with the interview.
- Sir, I would like to ask you to tell me a happy st...

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What do you call it when a tornado hit's a cattle feed lot?

A shit storm.

What do you call cattle that don't have courage?

Cowards.




*Thanks folks, I wrote this when I was 7 years old!*

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A herd of masturbating cattle is called Beef Stroganoff, but what do you call it when they do it to each other?

Hamburger Helper

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The tale of Old Joe

There once was a man named Paul who, after some trouble with the law, found himself homeless behind a fast food joint just outside of Wichita, Kansas. He stayed there for a few days, drinking from the bathroom sinks and eating scraps from the trash, when an old rancher named Joe found him and took p...

Two Texans are sitting on a plane from Dallas and an old Jewish Texan is sitting between them.

The first Texan says, "My name is
Roger. I own 250,000 acres. I have 10,000 head of cattle and they call my place The Jolly Roger."


The second Texan says, "My name is John. I own 350,000 acres. I have 50,000 head of cattle and they call my place Big John's."


They both look d...

A herd of cattle got into a cannabis farm and began to graze...

When asked how serious the situation was, the owner responded, "the steaks have never been higher!"

The sheriff's girlfriend asks to get married

GF: Please, marry me?
Sheriff: I can't, I have to go catch bank robbers.

GF: Please, marry me?
Sheriff: I can't, I have to go catch the cattle rustlers.

GF: Please, marry me?
Sheriff: I can't, I have to go catch the men who held up the train.

Moral of the story, some me...

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Little Johnny was sent to his grandparents farm to spend the summer.

The first morning, grandpa was having coffee and reading his paper when he saw Johnny walking by him with a roll of chicken wire.

“What are you doing with that chicken wire?”

“I’m going to catch some chickens!” Johnny replied.

“You can’t catch no chickens with that chicken wir...

Donald Trump...

-A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits the Middle East.
-Two million Muslims die and over a million are injured.
-Iraq, Iran and Syria are totally ruined and the governments don't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.
-The rest of the world ...

A dairy farmer walks in to his feed store and asks the clerk, "Has your product recently changed?"

"Same formula for two decades now" replies the clerk. "Why do you ask? Your cattle not eating?"

"No, it's not that. It's just that their flatulence has become unbearable. It used to not bother me, but it's got to the point that I can't even be in the barn without wearing a respirator."
<...

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Post turtles.

An old farmer was getting his hand stitched up after an accident at his cattle farm.

He and the doctor start into conversation, which leads into politics.

The old farmer explained, "Well, as I see it, most politicians are 'Post Turtles'."

Not being familiar with the term, the do...

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Three cowboys (nsfw)

Three cowboys are sitting around a fire boasting about how tough they are.

The cowboy from Oklahoma says, "I was driving cattle last year, and was bit on the ass by a rattler. Finished the cattle drive. Took three days before I got the doc to look at me. Didn't shed a tear."

The cowbo...

A classic

Judge "I see by your filing sir that you are suing the defendant for damages and injuries received when his cattle truck ran a red light and broadsided your car, now the damages I can understand but the defendant has provided a police report that says you claimed to be uninjured at the scene, why ar...

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Hillbilly CPR

Two hillbillies walk into a bar to wash the dust from their throats and grab a beer. They are standing at the bar drinking their beers and talking about current cattle prices when all of a sudden a woman at a nearby table, who was eating a sandwich, begins to choke. After a minute or so, it becomes ...

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Mister, why doesn't this cow have any horns

"Mister, why doesn't this cow have any horns?" asked the young lady from a nearby city. The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone, "Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep'em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up ...

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A cows tail

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the Doctor asked him, 'What happened to YOU?'
'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our...

2 farmers sitting on a porch just passin the time, shootin the sh!t

when a marijuana plant yells out of no where:

"You big dumb dark cow!"

One of the farmer turns to his friend and says

"look at the pot calling the cattle black"

For my teacher who used to tell this one....

Two traveling salesmen were riding together across West Texas when their car began to sputter and cough. Soon, it died completely and they were stranded on the side of a state highway with little traffic.

Fortunately, a pick up truck pulled over to help. The driver was a comely middle aged wo...

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The Rodeo

Two ranchers are sitting on a fence taking a break while their cattle eat when one looks at the other and says, "What's your favorite sex position?"

The other rancher looks at him and says, "I'm a pretty plain guy, missionary I guess. What's yours?"

"Mine? I like the rodeo," the firs...

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A farmer's three virgin daughters are all going on their first date...

Farmer brown loves his daughters dearly, and is fiercely protective of them. So when they all ended up going on their first dates all on the same night, you might say he was a bit angry.

The farmer agreed, but only if he could meet each potential suitor at the door with his shotgun at his sid...

So farmer Bob had a rivalry with farmer Jim.

They were both cattle farmers but Jim's herd was much larger and fatter, and his meat went for much more money. So bob started looking for a way to bulk up his cows. He started experimenting. Eventually he discovered that feeding them marijuana made them grow exponentially, while also making them mo...

A Texan cowboy was walking down the road

When a little old lady walked up to him and asked, "Are you one of those cowboys every body talks about?"

"Why yes ma'am I am." He replied

"The ones who ride around on horses and herd cattle?" She continued.

"Yes ma'am I am."

"The kind who ties up those calves and brands ...

3 Cowboys

Back in the Old West three Texas cowboys were
about to be hung for cattle rustling. The lynch mob brought the
three men to a tree right at the edge of the Rio Grande. The idea was that when each man had died, they'd cut the rope and he'd drop into the river and drift out of sight

The...

Blonde Joke

An old visually impaired cattle rustler meanders into an all-young lady biker bar by misstep...
He discovers his way to a bar stool and requests an injection of Jack Daniels.
Subsequent to staying there for some time, he shouts to the barkeep, 'Hello, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The b...

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3 cowboys are sitting around a campfire...

...and talking about how tough they are.
The cowboy from Arkansas says, "I'm so tough I once russled a bear with my bare hands".
They all look kind of impressed.
Then the cowboy from New Mexico says, " T'aint nothin. I once stopped a stampede of cattle using a piece of straw, a pinecone an...

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Y'all ever hear the one about the recently married Amish couple? NSFW

After a wonderful ceremony, the Amish groom and his new wife hopped into their buggy and started down the road...

After a little while the couple come upon a cattle farm. They see a bull mounting a cow proceeding to fuck. The wife looks to her husband and says, "Honey, what are those cows doi...

A cowboy shows up the morning of his first...

A cowboy shows up the morning of his first cattle drive. He notices a small flock of sheep with the cattle but thinks nothing of it. After a few weeks on the trail, he was watching the herd one night when he notices a drover go to the flock of sheep, pick one out, and take it over a hill. He brought...

TIL of an odd political problem in Colorado.

Cattle has long been the number one agricultural product of Colorado, but the recent legalization of marijuana is causing significant and unforeseen problems.

Apparently, cows love marijuana as much as people, and cattle ranches and nearby marijuana farms are on the brink of open warfare. Co...

A Texan goes to Australia for vacation...

... while there, he takes a tour with a local guide. While driving around the guide points out a large wheat field. "In Texas, we have wheat fields twice as large!" They then drive past a herd of cattle. "Our long horns are at least twice that large in Texas!" the Texan drawls. The guide is becoming...

Umgawala!

The British came to America wanting to colonize the land some years after it had been discovered by Colombus. With the help of a translator the british ambassador made a speech to the general populous telling them how amazing things would be under the British rule.
"We will make roads for you" he...

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The bull trick (a bit long)

An old cattle farmer is being helped by the local vet with his herd of cows and bulls. It is breading season and some of his older bulls are having a bit of a hard time performing. These are top of the line studs, but age is finally catching up with the bulls. The farmer laments to the vet "Well, I ...

Can't remember this joke 100% about a farmer counting his cows.

It has something to do with counting the heads of all his cattle and then I think it ends in a really dry punch line. Any help?

EDIT* got it thanks to /u/noncharacteristic

"A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200."

A hungry lion was walking through the savanna...

When he chanced upon a bull that had escaped from a nearby cattle ranch. Stalking the runaway was a meager challenge and the lion pounced from the tall grass and made short work and a large meal of his find. So proud of himself was the lion that he threw his head back and roared with all his might.<...

So there is a First class only Indian Airline.

Their motto is "We will treat you passengers like Cattle"

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Rooty the Rooster [NSFW]

Farmer John found himself in a bit of a rut. His crops weren't yelding like they use to, cattle prices had hit an all time low, and he was really strapped for cash. After discussing it with Mrs. Farmer John, they decided to salvage what they had, sell the farm, and move to greener pastures. He kisse...

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Many years ago, I was passing a church in San Antonio, Texas.

There in the courtyard was a large statue of Jesus, and praying to the statue was a wealthy Texas rancher. These are the words I heard him say,

"Jesus! Please help me! My Cadillacs are all in the shop. My oil wells have run dry. My cattle got the blight. My Internal Revenue Service is after m...

Patient just told me a joke yesterday

When you are driving though the field in Texas, you see a lot of cattle. They are very special.

Wanna know why?

They are out standing in the field

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Sopranos Jokes

Here are two pretty good jokes from the HBO television series:


A rich man and a poor man are friends. Every year they go Christmas shopping for their wives and every year meet up and get dinner afterwards.

At dinner the poor man asks the rich man "So, what'd you get for your wife ...

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