UPJOKE
beefdairy cattlebosoxlivestockmanurebisonpasturevealmilkruminantleathercowcowsherd

Cattle Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call it when a tornado hit's a cattle feed lot?

A shit storm.

Fire broke out at a local marijuana farm, and the smoke began to drift to a nearby cattle ranch.

The steaks were high

A Farmer and his Son went to the local Cattle Market to buy some Pigs.

The Farmer goes up to the first Pig he comes across and put its curly tail in his mouth.

After tasting for a while the Farmer says:"This Pig is 4 years of Age ill buy this one.

The Owner overhears this and asked the Farmer:"Did i heard you right?? You guessed its Age by tasting its cur...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three cowboys are settling down after a long day herding cattle.

The first cowboy says, "You know, it takes a real man's man to do this job. I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why? just the other day a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns, with my bare hands."

The second cowboy not t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do a politician, a PR company and a cattle farm have in common?

All produce massive amounts of bullshit

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call 100 masturbating cattle?

Beef strokin’off…

I had a rancher ask me to help him round up his cattle. I asked him how many he has and he stated 99.

I said 100, you’re welcome!

A man had a cattle ranch that he ran with his two daughters.

One day their only bull went crazy, broke through the fence and killed the man. The bull was injured and was attacking everything and everyone in sight. The daughters had to put him down. They needed a new bull, but they only had $1000 in cash. So one daughter decided to go to town and see if she co...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

New camp cook joins a cattle drive..

Cowboys are all out herding the cattle. Cook sees an old sheep tied to the back of a wagon. Figures he can use it for dinner. Butchers and cooks up the sheep. Cowboys come back to camp hungry. As they are enjoying their meal, one of the cowboys looks around and can’t see the sheep. New camp coo...

A blonde and a brunette own a cattle ranch

Their bull's gotten a bit old and his about ready for the meat processor, so they decide that the brunette will head over out to another town to buy one. The brunette explains:

"We have $1000 to get that bull, that's all. I'm going to head to town with the Corolla and try to find us one. ...

A cattle buyer goes on his annual hunting trip

A cattle buyer and his buddy decide to go on their annual hunting trip in the wilds of Canada. They always went pretty far out from civilization to hunt moose and had to hire a small Cessna and pilot to take them out so far. Contracting a guy, they fly out and booth shoot and kill the limit, a moose...

When I heard that terrorists were killing farmers by putting C4 in their cattle I was horrified...

It's abombinabull!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A city slicker goes to visit a cattle ranch in Montana one day.

He meets the chief ranch hand who takes him on a tour of the place.

"Here we keep the heifers," he says. "They have this huge pasture to roam and feed until they're ready for market."

"Interesting," the city guy says. "What about the bulls?"

"They're across the way over there," ...

A Family from New York buys a cattle ranch in the West.

A New York family bought a ranch out West where they intended to raise
cattle. Friends visited and asked if the ranch had a name.

"Well," said the would-be cattleman, "I wanted to name it the Bar-J. My
wife favored Suzy-Q, one son like the Flying-W, and the other wanted the
Lazy...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend claims there's no word for excrement produced by male cattle.

I think that's bullshit.

Why did the cows come back to the marijuana field?

The pot was calling the cattle back

Where do ranchers buy food for their Cattle?

The Stock Market.

Why did the gambler buy a cattle ranch?

Because he wanted to raise the steaks

Cattle feed shopping

Recently I got to know of this site which sells excellent Cattle feed. It mainly constitutes grain supplement and came highly recommended.

However I was disappointed with the quality when it was delivered. I had to give them the feed back.

How do space cowboys wrangle their cattle?

A tractor beam

A cattle farmer walks into a store

and asks the cashier "can I pay in meat", to which the cashier responds "as long as it's tender".

I'm really sorry

Why did the cowboy give his cattle MDMA?

Gotta keep them dogies rollin'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was walking near a cattle pen when my friend said "Look, there's chocolate on the floor!"

It was bullshit

Why do Cattle Ranchers gamble so much?

They Like Raising Steaks

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three cowboys (nsfw)

Three cowboys are sitting around a fire boasting about how tough they are.

The cowboy from Oklahoma says, "I was driving cattle last year, and was bit on the ass by a rattler. Finished the cattle drive. Took three days before I got the doc to look at me. Didn't shed a tear."

The cowbo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A teenaged farmboy is tending to his family's cattle

When his father comes out to the pasture. He says, 'Son, another family in town is paying us to breed more cattle for 'em. Take our three largest heifers over to their farm where their breeding bull is waiting.'
The son dutifully walks the mile or so with their three cows over to the Anderson far...

TIFU by neglecting the fence between our marijuana farm and the cattle ranch next door.

We're struggling to salvage our crop for harvest this year, and the steaks have never been higher.

Why did the Turkey cross the road at the cattle farm?

Because it couldn’t stan the bul

Why did the farmer refuse to get his cattle off the top of the mountain?

The steaks were too high.

A cattle rancher thought he had 196 cows...

...but when he rounded them up, he had 200.

What newspaper do cattle read?

The Daily Moos.

Did you hear about the cattle farmer that experimented with feeding his cow cannabis?

The results were promising at first but it turned out the steaks were too high.

So I guess there was this rancher who was growing a really weird breed of cattle.

They were a really vivid blue green color.  No one could believe it... They thought he was airbrushing them or painting them or using Instagram filters or photoshop.

Finally an fda inspector--Neal Beal was his name--wanted to go out to the ranch and see for himself whether these cows were re...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple of cowboys on a cattle drive were sitting by their fire in the middle of the night

... when a bearded stranger wearing bear-skins galloped up in a cloud of dust. He was riding a longhorn bull with a brass ring through his nose.

He jumped off , punched the bull in the head to knock it out, came to the campfire, and emptied a hot pan of beans straight into his mouth then wash...

Why shouldn't you feed marijuana to cattle?

Because of the high steaks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cattle rancher walks into a bar...

He walks up and orders a strong drink, "herding cattle is tough work!"

The bartender nods.

In walks a middle-aged woman, who orders two strong drinks, "Cattle? Try herding cats! I've got eight of them!"

The bartender raises an eyebrow, but nods.

Then comes a preschool t...

An older couple go to a cattle show...

The wife takes interest in the prize bull. She goes to the first one... bred 100 times in a single year... the second one, 20p times. She comes to the third bull... it bred 500 times in a single year! She turns to her husband and says:

“Dear, you could take example from this bull... it jumpe...

A Texan cattle rancher was in New Zealand

and visited a local pub in a sheep farming area of the South Island. He struck up a conversation with a sheep farmer in the pub. After a bit of chit chat, the Texan asked the Kiwi a question. The conversation went thus:

Texan - “So, how long does it take you to go from one end of your farm to...

Oregon fires trapped cattle on a pot farm...

...the farm made up the majority of the surrounding town’s economy so an unprecedented rescue effort ensued.

Unfortunately, It all burned to the ground and the steaks couldn’t have been higher...

I don't need to tell you how to round up the cattle.

You've herd it all before.

Last night, while watching old “Little Rascals” movies, I realized cattle aren’t herbivores, they’re omnivores.

If you give them the opportunity, they’ll eat Buckwheat and Alfalfa.

Why did the cattle rancher give up his small cannabis farm?

The steaks were getting too high.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two cattle are standing in a field

One says to the other, "I'm getting awfully worried about this mad cow disease that's been going around, what about you?"

The other replies, ***"You wanna say that my face, you fucking piece of shit?!"***

The cattle population is being affected by the pandemic.

They have cowronavirus.

What do you call cattle that don't have courage?

Cowards.




*Thanks folks, I wrote this when I was 7 years old!*

Where is the best place to trade Cattle?

At the swap-meat

I recently got into high risk cattle farming

I'll be raising the steaks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

With Age Comes Wisdom

Two bulls, a father and son, are standing on top of a hill, looking down at the herd or cattle below. The younger bull turns to his father and says "Hey Pops, we should run down this hill and fuck some of those cows!"

The older bull shakes his head. "No, son," he says, "we should *walk* dow...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s The Difference Between A Breeze On A Cattle Farm And A Frenchman’s Buttocks?

One is dairy air, and the other is derriere.

A group of cowboys were branding some cattle

While they were out the cook saw a sheep tied to a post. Thinking it was for that nights dinner he cooked it.
That night after dinner the cowboys were all sulking and ignoring the cook. He pulled one aside and asked, "Did I screw up the cooking?"
"No", the cowboy replied, "You cooked up the...

I watched a documentary on the feeding behaviors and biology of cattle...

"Graze Anatomy"

A herd of cattle... A murder of crows...

...a migraine of children...

Why wouldn’t the cattle rancher take the bet that he could raise his cows on marijuana instead of actual grass?

The steaks were too high.

Why do butchers avoid buying cattle from Colorado?

Because the steaks are too high.

Donald Trump...

-A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits the Middle East.
-Two million Muslims die and over a million are injured.
-Iraq, Iran and Syria are totally ruined and the governments don't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.
-The rest of the world ...

I asked a cattle rancher if he knew any good cow jokes

but he totally butchered them.

The USSR also sent cattle along with the monkey that went to space...

...it was the herd shot around the world.

A man is shopping for cattle in 1886...

He finally settles on a perfect Black Angus bull. He says to the owner "Here's the money. I need to send a message to my wife to come pick up the bull. She already knows where I am but I need her to come pick him up now before it gets dark. Where can a fella send a telegram?" The owner tells him tha...

Legal ramifications of roaming livestock

An issue/nuisance some farmers encounter is roaming livestock. For example, a farmer could lose some money if his neighbor’s livestock graze on his land and eat or trample on his crops. In the US, many states have enacted laws to address this issue, deferring the scheme to individual counties.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jim and his Jolly Cattle Ranchers.

Jim had been a rancher for most of his adult life, it's only thing he was ever good at.


On Sunday evenings, Jim would head on down to the local bar to meet up with other cattle ranchers in the area and shoot the breeze. On such an evening, Jim was in the middle of an animated discussion ...

Where do religious cattle go to eat?

Out to pastor.

What do you call a support group for cattle herders?

A steakholders meeting

A herd of cattle got into a cannabis farm and began to graze...

When asked how serious the situation was, the owner responded, "the steaks have never been higher!"

What do a cattle farmer and a compulsive gambler have in common?

They're both interested in raising the stakes/steaks.

Why can't you keep a secret from cattle?

They herd

What are Turkish cattle best known for?

Mootiny.

The most heinous crime--against both Man and Nature--would be to plant dynamite inside cattle

That, my friends, would be a-bomb-in-a-bull...

What do you call someone who invested in a cattle farm?

He has a steak in it.

How does a rancher keep track of his cattle?

With a cow-culator.

Born and bred in Manhattan Larry and Gene left the city to buy a cat cattle ranch in Wyoming.

Months later a friend flew out for a visit, “so what did you name the ranch,”he asked.

“At first we couldn’t agree on anything”said the new cowboy, “we finally settled on the Double R Lazy L Triple Horseshoe Bar-7 Lucky Diamond Ranch”

Wow! his friend was impressed but looking around h...

[Long] A family of four decides city life doesn’t suit their style anymore

So they sell their house in the suburbs and buy a dairy-cow ranch. After a week or so, the dad and 2 sons are out mending the fences, when their neighbor comes driving up the road and stops to introduce himself.

“How y’all doin? The name’s Al, friends call me Big Al. Are you folks new to the ...

Twelve of Jesus's closest followers have been accused of slaughtering a herd of cattle.

Police are treating it as apostle bull murder.

Ranchers in Colorado are conducting a crucial experiment on the environmental sustainability of using hemp as a feed source for cattle.

The steaks have never been higher.

An Easterner is visiting the West, and sees a man rounding up cattle on horseback.

He's wearing a ball cap, t-shirt, and tennis shoes. When the rider gets closer the guy waves him down and asks, "Hey, are you a cowboy?" The cowboy answers," Yep, I sure am." The guy asks, "Where's your Stetson, belt buckle, and cowboy boots?" The cowboy answers, "I don't want people to think I'm a ...

I was gambling with a farmer last week and apparently had a really good hand, so good to the point that he bet his livelihood, all 397 of his cattle.

He really raised the steaks

A farmer invested $10 million of his own money for a research on 'effects of Marijuana on cattle'.

The steaks were high.

A cattle transporter was moving a bus full of baby cows. He tried to make them sit still but they kept rotating.

I guess the veals on the bus go round and round.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Texan, an Oklahoman, and a Louisianan are sitting around a campfire.

The guy from Louisiana says, “I once moved two hundred head of cattle through a hurricane.”

The Oklahoman scoffs and says, “Heck, that’s nothing. I once moved three hundred head of cattle through two tornados!”

The Texan said nothing and continued to stir the coals of the fire with his...

What do you call a Texan cattle herder who wants to make holy war?

A yeehawdi. (Jihadi)

The obligatory "cattle guard" joke for the next president

Stolen from [Snopes](http://www.snopes.com/politics/humor/cattleguards.asp)

For those of you who have never traveled to the west, or southwest, cattle guards are horizontal steel rails placed at fence openings, in dug-out places in the roads adjacent to highways (sometimes across highways), t...

Here's a joke I made up in high school, around 1981, or thereabouts

What do you call a cattle-rancher that's lost all his land?

Deranged!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Post turtles.

An old farmer was getting his hand stitched up after an accident at his cattle farm.

He and the doctor start into conversation, which leads into politics.

The old farmer explained, "Well, as I see it, most politicians are 'Post Turtles'."

Not being familiar with the term, the do...

One night, a husband murmured in his sleep, "Oh, Emily, you're the one that got away."

The wife, wide awake beside him, bolted up and exclaimed, "Emily? Who is Emily?"

The husband, still in the depths of slumber, muttered, "Emily, your laughter is the melody of my heart."

The wife, now fully awake and boiling with anger, shook him vigorously and demanded, "I demand...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What deal did the undead entrepreneurial cattle farmer advertise?

Shit for Brains

A cowboy emigrated to Wales

and opened a ranch at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch



Unfortunately, none of his cattle survived the branding.

A farmer's cattle broke out of their pen and got into the marijuana plants he was growing.

The steaks were really high.

In a last ditch effort to curb over grazing, some ranchers have decided to drive their cattle up into the mountains.

Analysts say the steaks have never been higher.

Drink like a man or...

An alcoholic in serious health condition finally goes to see a doctor:

\- "Are you drinking like a man, or like cattle?"
\- "Geez doctor, of course like a man!"
\- "That's the problem! Cattle know when to stop."

Old Soviet Joke #2

At a local Party meeting the Chairman concludes his speech and asks if there are any questions. No one says anything until Shapiro raises his hand.

"I have three questions, Comrade Chairman. First, where have all our cattle gone? Second, where has all the meat from the cattle gone? Third, whe...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny was sent to his grandparents farm to spend the summer.

The first morning, grandpa was having coffee and reading his paper when he saw Johnny walking by him with a roll of chicken wire.

“What are you doing with that chicken wire?”

“I’m going to catch some chickens!” Johnny replied.

“You can’t catch no chickens with that chicken wir...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The New Cowboy

Young man is on his first cattle drive, new to being a cowboy. Chow time, all the men are sitting around the campfire, new cowboy asks, "So what do we do for fun?' One of the old hands tells him, "Well, it's dark and nobody around - just go find yourself a stump and fuck the hell out of it."
<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny and his Ranch

Little Johnny was a rancher. He owned cattle, horses, and things all of the sort. One day, a black SUV had pulled up. An FBI agent got out of the car.

"Are you little Johnny?"

"Yessir."

"I'm here to investigate a murder. Someone was killed down the road, you mind if I take a pee...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A struggling rock band...

A struggling indies band from Brooklyn, The Spoonerists, was in the process of recording their debut album. The artistic sentiment of the group led them to use ambient sounds from nature in their arrangements. One of the members of the band took it upon himself to go out in to the field and make rec...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cowboy walks into a saloon after a 2 month cattle drive. . .

. . . and asks the barman for 2 shots of whiskey and a pretty prostitute.

"We ain't got no girls here," says the barman. "But if yer desperate enough, Pretty Larry is in the back alley."

"I ain't that desperate," says the cowboy.

A while later the cowboy returns from a 4 month c...

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation.

There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking.

The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, “Oh! We have. wheat fields that are at least twice as large.”

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle.

The Texan immediate...

While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona cafe, four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather to how things used to be in the "good old days."

Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary soon?"

"Yup, we sure are," Roy replied.

"Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" an...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow-choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine.

The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake. "Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot - I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want."

The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of th...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.