Did you hear about the cattle farmer that experimented with feeding his cow cannabis?

The results were promising at first but it turned out the steaks were too high.

Why do Cattle Ranchers gamble so much?

They Like Raising Steaks

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What do you call a herd of masturbating cattle?

Beef stroganoff

Cattle feed shopping

Recently I got to know of this site which sells excellent Cattle feed. It mainly constitutes grain supplement and came highly recommended.

However I was disappointed with the quality when it was delivered. I had to give them the feed back.

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A cattle rancher walks into a bar...

He walks up and orders a strong drink, "herding cattle is tough work!"

The bartender nods.

In walks a middle-aged woman, who orders two strong drinks, "Cattle? Try herding cats! I've got eight of them!"

The bartender raises an eyebrow, but nods.

Then comes a preschool t...

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A teenaged farmboy is tending to his family's cattle

When his father comes out to the pasture. He says, 'Son, another family in town is paying us to breed more cattle for 'em. Take our three largest heifers over to their farm where their breeding bull is waiting.'
The son dutifully walks the mile or so with their three cows over to the Anderson far...

An older couple go to a cattle show...

The wife takes interest in the prize bull. She goes to the first one... bred 100 times in a single year... the second one, 20p times. She comes to the third bull... it bred 500 times in a single year! She turns to her husband and says:

“Dear, you could take example from this bull... it jumpe...

Born and bred in Manhattan Larry and Gene left the city to buy a cat cattle ranch in Wyoming.

Months later a friend flew out for a visit, “so what did you name the ranch,”he asked.

“At first we couldn’t agree on anything”said the new cowboy, “we finally settled on the Double R Lazy L Triple Horseshoe Bar-7 Lucky Diamond Ranch”

Wow! his friend was impressed but looking around h...

Fire broke out at a local marijuana farm, and the smoke drifted to a nearby cattle ranch.

The steaks could not have been higher.

I don't need to tell you how to round up the cattle.

You've herd it all before.

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation.

There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking.

The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, “Oh! We have. wheat fields that are at least twice as large.”

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle.

The Texan immediate...

How do space cowboys wrangle their cattle?

A tractor beam

The cattle population is being affected by the pandemic.

They have cowronavirus.

Oregon fires trapped cattle on a pot farm...

...the farm made up the majority of the surrounding town’s economy so an unprecedented rescue effort ensued.

Unfortunately, It all burned to the ground and the steaks couldn’t have been higher...

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Two cattle are standing in a field

One says to the other, "I'm getting awfully worried about this mad cow disease that's been going around, what about you?"

The other replies, ***"You wanna say that my face, you fucking piece of shit?!"***

A cattle farmer walks into a store

and asks the cashier "can I pay in meat", to which the cashier responds "as long as it's tender".

I'm really sorry

How does a rancher keep track of his cattle?

With a cow-culator.

What do you have when you get a bunch of cattle stoned?

High Steaks.

What do you call a sea cow in Seattle?

A sea-cattle.





I'm so sorry for the cringe...

Run-down Farm

A farmer purchases an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields are grown over with weeds, the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around.

During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's wo...

Why did the cows go to the Marijuana field?

It was the pot calling the cattle back.

In honor of 420.

What car is a rancher most likely to own?

A cattle-ac

A Texan cattle rancher was in New Zealand

and visited a local pub in a sheep farming area of the South Island. He struck up a conversation with a sheep farmer in the pub. After a bit of chit chat, the Texan asked the Kiwi a question. The conversation went thus:

Texan - “So, how long does it take you to go from one end of your farm to...

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Tonight, some friends and I got tired of being locked up at home and got together, sat around a fire boasting about how tough we are.

My friend Alex says, "I was driving cattle last year, and was bit on the ass by a rattler. Finished the cattle drive. Took three days before I got the doc to look at me. Didn't shed a tear."

Then Julio says, "Yeah? Well I broke up two bulls that were fighting. One popped out my right eye. I p...

A blonde and a brunette own a cattle ranch

Their bull's gotten a bit old and his about ready for the meat processor, so they decide that the brunette will head over out to another town to buy one. The brunette explains:

"We have $1000 to get that bull, that's all. I'm going to head to town with the Corolla and try to find us one. ...

Why did the cattle rancher give up his small cannabis farm?

The steaks were getting too high.

While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona cafe, four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather to how things used to be in the "good old days."

Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary soon?"

"Yup, we sure are," Roy replied.

"Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" an...

I watched a documentary on the feeding behaviors and biology of cattle...

"Graze Anatomy"

Where is the best place to trade Cattle?

At the swap-meat

What newspaper do cattle read?

The Daily Moos.

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It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow-choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine.

The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake. "Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot - I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want."

The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of th...

A New York family bought a ranch out west where they intended to raise cattle. Friends came to visit and asked if the ranch had a name

"Well," said the would-be-cattleman. "I wanted to call it the Bar-J, my wife favored the Suzy-Q, one son liked the Flying-W, and the other son wanted the Lazy-Y. So, we're calling it the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y."

"But, where are all your cattle?"

"None have survived the branding...

A cattle transporter was moving a bus full of baby cows. He tried to make them sit still but they kept rotating.

I guess the veals on the bus go round and round.

I have 10,000 head of cattle back at the ranch.

Of course they're not worth much without the bodies.

What do you call cattle that don't have courage?

Cowards.




*Thanks folks, I wrote this when I was 7 years old!*

I asked a cattle rancher if he knew any good cow jokes

but he totally butchered them.

Why do the cows return from the fields right about when evening tea is ready?

It’s tea-pot calling the cattle back

A rancher turned weed farmer lost half a million dollar worth of his Marijuana crop to cattle.

The rancher had tried a novel idea of planting Marijuana in the grazing range as cows normally don't eat Marijuana. Unfortunately for him the cows developed a special predilection for the supposedly weed plant. The rancher is devastated but he was well aware that the steaks were high.

Fencing in Cattle

Three gentleman who excel in their respective fields are invited to compete in a competition. Competing are: a top Engineer, a shrewd Businessman, and an award-winning Mathematician. The judges, in turn ask each gentleman to fence in a herd of cattle using the shortest length of fence.

The e...

Twelve of Jesus's closest followers have been accused of slaughtering a herd of cattle.

Police are treating it as apostle bull murder.

A group of cowboys were branding some cattle

While they were out the cook saw a sheep tied to a post. Thinking it was for that nights dinner he cooked it.
That night after dinner the cowboys were all sulking and ignoring the cook. He pulled one aside and asked, "Did I screw up the cooking?"
"No", the cowboy replied, "You cooked up the...

A herd of cattle got into a cannabis farm and began to graze...

When asked how serious the situation was, the owner responded, "the steaks have never been higher!"

What’s a cowboy’s least favorite car?

A Cattle-lack

Praying hands

In Tulsa, OK, on the campus of Oral Roberts University (Oral Roberts was one of those famous money hungry televangelists) there is a giant statue of a set of praying hands. It was discovered one day that they had broken apart and separated. They had construction engineers, all kinds of equipment, ex...

Ranchers in Colorado are conducting a crucial experiment on the environmental sustainability of using hemp as a feed source for cattle.

The steaks have never been higher.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call it when a tornado hit's a cattle feed lot?

A shit storm.

What do a cattle farmer and a compulsive gambler have in common?

They're both interested in raising the stakes/steaks.

What did Captain Obvious say as a baby cattle entered the room?

A door a bull

I recently got into high risk cattle farming

I'll be raising the steaks.

What do you call sleeping male cattle?

Bulldozers.

An Easterner is visiting the West, and sees a man rounding up cattle on horseback.

He's wearing a ball cap, t-shirt, and tennis shoes. When the rider gets closer the guy waves him down and asks, "Hey, are you a cowboy?" The cowboy answers," Yep, I sure am." The guy asks, "Where's your Stetson, belt buckle, and cowboy boots?" The cowboy answers, "I don't want people to think I'm a ...

What do you call a support group for cattle herders?

A steakholders meeting

The USSR also sent cattle along with the monkey that went to space...

...it was the herd shot around the world.

What do you call a Texan cattle herder who wants to make holy war?

A yeehawdi. (Jihadi)

There was a farmer who lived on 200 acres.

He owned sheep, cattle, horses and tons and tons of crops. One night, he heard wolves howling in the distant, and it kept him up all night. He woke up in the morning with bags under his eyes, his wife asked him “What’s wrong? Did you not get any sleep?” The farmer said “I kept hearing this howling n...

A cattle rancher thought he had 196 cows...

...but when he rounded them up, he had 200.

A farmer invested $10 million of his own money for a research on 'effects of Marijuana on cattle'.

The steaks were high.

The most heinous crime--against both Man and Nature--would be to plant dynamite inside cattle

That, my friends, would be a-bomb-in-a-bull...

A herd of cattle... A murder of crows...

...a migraine of children...

Why do butchers avoid buying cattle from Colorado?

Because the steaks are too high.

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Johnny was sent to grandpa’s farm for Summer

Little Johnny was sent to his grandparent’s farm to spend the summer. The first morning, grandpa was having coffee and reading his paper when he saw Johnny walking by him with a roll of chicken wire. “What are you doing with that chicken wire?”

“I’m going to catch some chickens!” Johnny repli...

A man is shopping for cattle in 1886...

He finally settles on a perfect Black Angus bull. He says to the owner "Here's the money. I need to send a message to my wife to come pick up the bull. She already knows where I am but I need her to come pick him up now before it gets dark. Where can a fella send a telegram?" The owner tells him tha...

*Staring at a barn full of feed*

Me: That's alot of feed.

Farmer: Yeah. The cattle eat it.

Me: Man.....that's one hungry cat

How do farmers count their cattle?

With a *cow*culator

A farmer's cattle broke out of their pen and got into the marijuana plants he was growing.

The steaks were really high.

Why can't you keep a secret from cattle?

They herd

A farmer comes into a large amount of money and decides to buy his son's a large ranch where they can raise cattle. He calls the ranch "Focus".

Because it's where the sun's rays meet.

What do you call someone who invested in a cattle farm?

He has a steak in it.

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Jim and his Jolly Cattle Ranchers.

Jim had been a rancher for most of his adult life, it's only thing he was ever good at.


On Sunday evenings, Jim would head on down to the local bar to meet up with other cattle ranchers in the area and shoot the breeze. On such an evening, Jim was in the middle of an animated discussion ...

In a last ditch effort to curb over grazing, some ranchers have decided to drive their cattle up into the mountains.

Analysts say the steaks have never been higher.

What are Turkish cattle best known for?

Mootiny.

Beef farmers in Washington are fighting to protect their cattle, whose water supply has been tainted with THC from the marijiana industry

The steaks have never been higher

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The Aussie, the Yank and the Canadian were having a bullshit session on this cruise ship.

The Aussie said, “In Australia we have sheep that are so big they take all day to be shorn.”

The Yank said, “That’s nothing, in Texas our cattle are so big the steaks have to be turned with a fork lift.”

The Canadian said, “That’s nothing, we have women with pussies this big.” (He then...

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A struggling rock band...

A struggling indies band from Brooklyn, The Spoonerists, was in the process of recording their debut album. The artistic sentiment of the group led them to use ambient sounds from nature in their arrangements. One of the members of the band took it upon himself to go out in to the field and make rec...

In the year 2045 Elon is tired of importing ice-cream from Earth to the Martian colonies.

The next day he puts a group of dairy cows on a rocket to Mars.

But inter-planetary customs officers make him hold the rocket in orbit while they inspect the cows. Earth leaders don't want to lose the tax revenue from exporting ice-cream and are looking for a reason to reposes his cattle. ...

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A cowboy walks into a saloon after a 2 month cattle drive. . .

. . . and asks the barman for 2 shots of whiskey and a pretty prostitute.

"We ain't got no girls here," says the barman. "But if yer desperate enough, Pretty Larry is in the back alley."

"I ain't that desperate," says the cowboy.

A while later the cowboy returns from a 4 month c...

The obligatory "cattle guard" joke for the next president

Stolen from [Snopes](http://www.snopes.com/politics/humor/cattleguards.asp)

For those of you who have never traveled to the west, or southwest, cattle guards are horizontal steel rails placed at fence openings, in dug-out places in the roads adjacent to highways (sometimes across highways), t...

First Rancher: What's the name of your place?

Second Rancher: The XWK Lazy R Double Diamond Circle Q Bar S

First Rancher: How many cattle do you have?

Second Rancher: Only a few. Not many survive the branding

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The Drover at the Pearly Gates

A drover from a huge cattle station in the outback appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates asking to be let in.


"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.


"Well, I can think of one thing," the drover offered.


"On a trip to the bac...

A cowboy emigrated to Wales

and opened a ranch at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch



Unfortunately, none of his cattle survived the branding.

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A Texan, an Oklahoman, and a Louisianan are sitting around a campfire.

The guy from Louisiana says, “I once moved two hundred head of cattle through a hurricane.”

The Oklahoman scoffs and says, “Heck, that’s nothing. I once moved three hundred head of cattle through two tornados!”

The Texan said nothing and continued to stir the coals of the fire with his...

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A Story from the Old West

Scene: The old west, in a Saloon, somewhere in Dodge City or Tombstone, AZ or the like....


A old man bursts through the doors and starts shouting "Everybody, y'all better clear out o' here.  Big John's a comin' to town!!!"


Everyone in the saloon jumps up knocking over table...

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A class of high school art students are broken into groups...

...and tasked with making silly and creative paintings combining culture with food.

One group decides to paint an Indy race car made out of roti. Another group decides to paint a business suit necktie being grated into cheese. Another group paints Donkey Kong serving up a creepy bowl of banan...

A guys in a bar turns to another

A rancher walks into a bar and sits next to a rugged old guy with a hat.

He says "I just had the hardest day rounding up my cattle".

The rugged guy responds "oh yeah ? I'm a rancher too. I got a couple hundred acres down by the creek".

The rancher brags "Not bad, not bad, but I ...

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(Long) a guy stops at a farm

He sees at the door of the farm house was a three legged pig. He had to know the story of the three legged pig. So he knocks on the door and the farmer answers.
"Please you must tell me the story of your pig," he says
"That pig is the greatest pig in the world. A couple of years ago our house ...

Vermont farmer

A texas cattle rancher came to visit a Vermont dairy farm. He gets a tour of the 10 acre farm, and says to the Vermont farmer "This farm aint nothin, my ranch back in texas is so big, it would take us 3 days just to drive my truck around the whole property". The Vermont farmer responds "yup I had a ...

Donald Trump...

-A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits the Middle East.
-Two million Muslims die and over a million are injured.
-Iraq, Iran and Syria are totally ruined and the governments don't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.
-The rest of the world ...

A Blonde, Brunette, and a Black haired girl are running from the police.

So they run into a farm and split up.

The Black haired girl runs behind a cow,
the Brunette runs behind a pig, and the Blonde runs behind a sack of potatoes.

Night comes and the police eventually find the barn and and search it. One of policemen look through the cattle and shines a ...

What do cows like to read?

Cattle-logs

A dairy farmer walks in to his feed store and asks the clerk, "Has your product recently changed?"

"Same formula for two decades now" replies the clerk. "Why do you ask? Your cattle not eating?"

"No, it's not that. It's just that their flatulence has become unbearable. It used to not bother me, but it's got to the point that I can't even be in the barn without wearing a respirator."
<...

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Post turtles.

An old farmer was getting his hand stitched up after an accident at his cattle farm.

He and the doctor start into conversation, which leads into politics.

The old farmer explained, "Well, as I see it, most politicians are 'Post Turtles'."

Not being familiar with the term, the do...

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A farmer goes outside to check his livestock

While observing the cattle he notices that he needs to clean up the accumulated manure in one of his corrals. So he gets the tractor and pushes the muck into a pile on the edge of the pen. As he does this, the pile leans against the fence causing the wood to break and splinter. The farmer turns to h...

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One Sunday morning in the middle of a blizzard

One Sunday morning in February, the young new pastor slowly made his way to the rural church in the middle of a blizzard, arriving with just five minutes to spare. He walked in, turned on the lights and looked around. No one else was there.

As he was about to turn everything off and go back...

What do you call Fortnite with cows?

A cattle royale.

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A farmer's three virgin daughters are all going on their first date...

Farmer brown loves his daughters dearly, and is fiercely protective of them. So when they all ended up going on their first dates all on the same night, you might say he was a bit angry.

The farmer agreed, but only if he could meet each potential suitor at the door with his shotgun at his sid...

A Texan cowboy was walking down the road

When a little old lady walked up to him and asked, "Are you one of those cowboys every body talks about?"

"Why yes ma'am I am." He replied

"The ones who ride around on horses and herd cattle?" She continued.

"Yes ma'am I am."

"The kind who ties up those calves and brands ...

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