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Muscle Jokes

I pulled a muscle digging for gold.

It was just a miner injury.

What do you get for winning a muscle loss competition?

Atrophy.

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Young woman in a muscle car: " Is there a problem, Officer?"

Officer: "Ma'am, you were speeding. "

Woman: "Oh, I see. "

Officer: "Can I see your license please? "

Woman: "I'd give it to you but I don't have one. "

Officer: "Don't have one? "

Woman: "Lost it 4 times for drunk driving. "

Officer: "I see...Can I see your...

What does the Mandalorian say after he starts a new diet to gain more muscle?

This is the whey.

How did the skeleton try to build muscle?

By doing dead lifts.

Bodybuilders agree on most methods of building muscle...

but they can never agree on which is the best whey.

What prize does someone get if they haven’t moved a muscle in over a year?

A trophy.

What is first prize in a competition to lose muscle mass?

a trophy.

What does a "muscle buff" do in the afterlife?

Deadlifts.

What does your lateral thigh muscle have in common with a really cool kidnapper?

They're both hip abductors.

A lot of guys struggle to add muscle

Take my cousin, for example. He has a very strict diet and always sticks to his regimen. He never skips a day. The dude is still a skeleton, basically. Some people just struggle to add weight. Granted, his regimen mostly includes heroin, but still.

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Sex and Golf

Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to first-year medical students.

This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know...

I had the most obedient dog in the world. I told him not to move a muscle

And he died of cardiac arrest.

What does a muscle contraction cost?

80p

Have you heard about that singer with muscle atrophy?

He calls himself the weakened.

What’s the most important muscle at the gym?

The TRY-cep.

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I have these weird muscle spasms in my gluteus maximus,

I figured out from my doctor that everything was alright:


They said "Weird flex, butt okay."

What did the winner of the muscle loss contest receive as a prize?

Atrophy

As you probably know, the guards at Buckingham Palace are not supposed to move a muscle.

As you probably know the guards at Buckingham Palace are not supposed to move a muscle. One day one of the guards moved just a bit. The sergeant rushed over and said "George, did I see you flinch?" George replied "Yes sir. You see there was a squirrel in the tree. He ran down the tree across the ...

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Love muscle

This fellow was so deeply in love that just before he was married, he had his bride's name tattooed on his love muscle. Normally, only the first and last letters were visible, although when he was aroused, the tattoo spelled out W-E-N-D-Y. Now they're on their honeymoon at a resort in Montego Bay. O...

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A man scores a hot date

Not wanting to disappoint his date in the bedroom, he goes to the doctor to get his penis enlarged.
The doctor says, "we happen to have a new experimental procedure that uses muscle cells from an elephant trunk that should do the trick." To which the man accepts.

Later on, the man and his...

What do we call people who have no prefrences about muscle size?

They're BiFlexuals.

I have great muscle memory

I totally remember when I was in shape.

Last year a guy took his Blonde girl friend to the Superbowl

They had great seats right behind their team's bench.

After the game, he asked her how she liked it.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the

tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't

understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."<...

Outside the pharmacy in a busy street, a poor man is clutching into a pole for dear life, not breathing, not moving, not twitching a muscle just standing there, frozen.

The pharmacist goes up to his assistant and asks: “What’s the matter with that guy? Wasn’t he in here earlier?”

Assistant replies: “Yes he was. He had the most terrible cough and none of my prescriptions seemed to help.”

Pharmacist says: “He seems to be fine now.”

Assistant repl...

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[NSFW] a white guy is showering at the gym alone when in comes the biggest and most muscle bound black guy he has ever seen walks in...

The black man whips off his towel and reveals the largest member on a dude the white guy has ever seen. He can’t stop staring and it makes the black man uncomfortable after a few minutes

“You got a problem?” the muscles dude says

“I have to be honest” starts the white guy, “that thing...

A muscle cell walks into a bar

Muscle cell *coughs and sneezes*
Bartender "oh my god, what did you contract?"
Muscle cell "Nah I was only Actin"

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A Jock goes to the doctor, worried that he pulled a muscle.

Based on the activities that the jock describes doing, the doctor determines the most likely place of injury is his ass.

"I have a simple method of determining whether or not you've pulled a muscle. Try contracting the muscles of that area in a manner that you don't normally contract them. ...

They say that when you encounter a lion, you shouldn't move a muscle.

So when I encountered one, I stood still for 6 hours.

Then a bloke approached me and said, "The zoo is about to be closed."

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What's the smartest muscle in the human body?

The anal sphincter; it can differentiate solid, liquid, and gas.

A surgeon just removed my son's cardiac muscle.

That's disheartening.

What do you win if you don't move a single muscle all week?

A trophy!

I have so much muscle definition...

people started calling me the muscle dictionary.

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I'm really fortunate for my sphincter muscle.

Without it I'd lose my shit.

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These three drunk guys decide to go to the brothel. The madam sees them coming and tells the girls to just throw some blow up dolls in the rooms

These three drunk guys decide to go to the brothel. The madam sees them coming and tells the girls to just throw some blow up dolls in the rooms and turn the lights out. The guys are so drunk the won't know the difference.

30 minutes later the fellas are back out on the street. The first dru...

Today I learned all about the orbicularis oculi muscles.

Quite the eye opener I tell ya

Did you hear about the mathematician who suffered muscle pain when writing out equations?

They had fibromyalgebra

Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass!

I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!

You can spend all of the quarantine without moving a muscle

And still get a-trophy

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When a guy drives an excessively loud motorcycle or muscle car we know what they’re compensating for...

...they must have a really quiet penis.

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Two women are sitting at a roadside cafe when a muscle car roars by.

"Looks like someone's compensating for something," the first woman says.

"What do you mean?" her friend asks.

"Well, you know what they say," she replies. "A guy with a big car is making up for his other... shortcomings."

The second woman looks puzzled, and says, "You mean sex? ...

What do you call a muscle car that won't start?

All torque, no action.

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A cowboy rides in to town

A cowboy rides in to town on his horse and ropes it in front of a canteen. After a few hours of drinking he walks out and finds that his horse is missing. The cowboy turns around and bursts in to the canteen. Seeing the cowboy pissed as Hell the place goes quiet. The cowboy looks around and with a d...

What's the strongest muscle on a pig?

The hamstring.

Where does Muscle Milk come from?

Muscle mammary

Name a rapper with small abdominal muscles

2Pac

What did the Arab leader drink every day to build muscle mass?

A protein sheikh.

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Three men are standing at the pearly gates...

St. Peter tells them, "As you all know God has a sense of humor and his latest idea is to put the Kingdom of Heaven several hundred miles from the Pearly Gates."
"How is that supposed to be funny?" one guy asks.
"Well, God had the novel idea of allowing those admitted into Heaven a vehicle to...

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I pulled a muscle masturbating...

I know, I know; you're not supposed to put the punchline in the title.

I just replaced a bunch of parts on my Chevy muscle car and made it a Pontiac muscle car.

Now it’s a trans Trans-Am.

After getting acupuncture, my chronic muscle pain is completely gone.

The pin really is mightier than the sore.

I was complaining about my lack of muscle growth to a buddy of mine in the gym...

Me: I come here everyday, 3 hours each day and I look the same as I did 6 months ago.

Buddy: No whey!

I'm taking a course with a focus on muscle fatigue.

I don't want to talk about it.

...It's a sore subject.

A bodybuilder takes off his shirt and starts flexing in front of a blonde woman. She exclaims...

"Wow, what a great chest you have!"

"He says, "Solid dynamite, babe."

He then takes off his pants and the blonde says, "Wow, what massive calves you have!"

He flexes his leg muscles and says, "Like I said, pure dynamite, sweetheart."

Then he removes his underwear and the ...

What do you call a rich guy with muscles?

Vanderbuilt

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We use 300 muscles to keep our balance when we stand

We use 300 muscles to keep our balance when we stand, The length of a penis is 3 times the length of the thumb the femur is as hard as concrete. A woman's heart beats faster then a man's.A woman has read this entire post..a man is stil lookin at his thumb

If it takes 13 muscles to smile…

...and 33 muscles to frown, how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?

I just got a trophy for the world's weakest muscles!

What trophy?

Dystrophy

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A young lady becomes a hooker, and after her first night on the streets, the other hookers are asking her how it went...

"Well, the first guy I met was really hot! A marine with all kinds of muscles!"

"Ooh! Nice!" another girl says. "How'd it go?"

"Well I told him it was $50 for a fuck. He said he didn't have that much. So I told him it's $25 for a blowjob. He didn't have that much either. So I said it's...

What are Star Wars clone troopers muscles built of?

Kamino acids.

Jean-Claude Van Damme is "the muscles from Brussels." Who are his kids?

Brussels sprouts.

I entered a competition to see whose muscles could whither away the fastest.

The winner got atrophy.

What Do You Call a Ocean Raider Tired of His Pet Bird's Muscle Spasms?

What do you call a ocean raider tired of his pet bird's muscle spasms?

A pirate tired of polly tics.

The guy who de-tenses my muscles hates women

He's a real massage-inist

It takes 45 muscles to frown and 10 to smile:

Frown all day. Get ripped. Gains.

A very heavy blond went to the clinic to lose weight.

The doctor told her to eat what she normally ate for three days and then skip a day. He told her she would have lost at least 4 pounds till the next month.

She came back four weeks later, 30 pounds lighter! The doctor looked at her surprised and said "How do you feel now?"

Blonde: "I a...

What happened to the guy who called Terry Crews muscles too small?

He died of dissing terry

What do you call a Mexican with small muscles?

No whey José.

Satan was showing a group of people how he flexes one of his muscles.

It was a demonsstriation.

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"Dad, does wanking give you big muscles?"

Dad: "I don't know son, but don't stop now... I'm about to cum."

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What is it called when you compare glutes and chest muscles?

Ass-Pec Ratio

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4 Men at a bar discuss the most difficult sport to play. The first man, wide as a dishwasher and having huge muscles all over, says

“I’m a football player, it’s the hardest sport in the world to play! You’ve gotta be in top physical condition and have excellent situational awareness.”

The second man, an older gentleman wearing a collared shirt, says “Sorry champ, but the actual hardest sport to play is golf. Every swing o...

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A husband and wife go to Jamaica for vacation...

After seeing the typical tourist attractions, they wander off the beaten path into a darker part of town.

After walking a few blocks, they see an adult store and after some persuasion, the wife convinces her husband to enter.

They look around for a few minutes, and then they come u...

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class. The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Principal: 6+6.

Boy: 12.

The boy got all the questions right. The principal told the Madam to send ...

After divorcing from my ten year marriage, I started dating again and was soon using muscles I’d forgotten I had.

Mainly when I smiled.

I'm starting a new diet where I improperly use my jaw muscles to eat whatever I want

It's called CrossFat

What do you call a girl who only likes guys with big muscles?

A Biceptual

What do you call an Egyptian who treats sore muscles?

A cairopractor

A guy walks into a pharmacy: "I have extreme headaches, my belly cramps, I feel like I'm about to vomit and my back hurts like something tears the muscles apart. Do you have something?"

Pharmacists: Nope, I feel fine!

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