I pulled a muscle digging for gold.

It was just a miner injury.

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Young woman in a muscle car: " Is there a problem, Officer?"

Officer: "Ma'am, you were speeding. "

Woman: "Oh, I see. "

Officer: "Can I see your license please? "

Woman: "I'd give it to you but I don't have one. "

Officer: "Don't have one? "

Woman: "Lost it 4 times for drunk driving. "

Officer: "I see...Can I see your...

What is first prize in a competition to lose muscle mass?

a trophy.

What does the Mandalorian say after he starts a new diet to gain more muscle?

This is the whey.

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Sex and Golf

Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to first-year medical students.

This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know...

What do you give someone who hasn't moved their muscles in over a year?

A trophy

I just got a trophy for the world's weakest muscles!

What trophy?

Dystrophy

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her class in Grade 3.

The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

**Principal:** What is 3+3?

**Boy:** 6.
...

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A detachment of US Marines are conducting jungle warfare training in the Congo, and one night around the campfire, the Congolese troops they're training with tell the Marines the tale of a cave in the middle of the jungle, filled with golden treasure but guarded by a fearsome monster.

According to the local soldiers, the cave is filled with the treasures of an ancient African king, but a sorcerer used his arcane powers to create an unholy creature to guard it. She was formed from a mix of human, gorilla, chimpanzee, and baboon, and stands seven feet tall, enormously strong. She h...

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4 Men at a bar discuss the most difficult sport to play. The first man, wide as a dishwasher and having huge muscles all over, says

“I’m a football player, it’s the hardest sport in the world to play! You’ve gotta be in top physical condition and have excellent situational awareness.”

The second man, an older gentleman wearing a collared shirt, says “Sorry champ, but the actual hardest sport to play is golf. Every swing o...

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A man scores a hot date

Not wanting to disappoint his date in the bedroom, he goes to the doctor to get his penis enlarged. The doctor says, "we happen to have a new experimental procedure that uses muscle cells from an elephant trunk that should do the trick." To which the man accepts.

Later on, the man and his dat...

A guy walks into a pharmacy: "I have extreme headaches, my belly cramps, I feel like I'm about to vomit and my back hurts like something tears the muscles apart. Do you have something?"

Pharmacists: Nope, I feel fine!

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The...

Woman's interpretation of football

A Guy Takes His Girlfriend To Her First Football Game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why ...

Today I learned all about the orbicularis oculi muscles.

Quite the eye opener I tell ya

I entered a competition to see whose muscles could whither away the fastest.

The winner got atrophy.

It takes 43 muscles to frown and 17 to smile

but 182 to blink.

What did the winner of the muscle loss contest receive as a prize?

Atrophy

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Taser Gun

Last weekend I saw something at Costco that sparked my interest.

The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little
something extra for my wife, Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt,
pocket/purse-sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short...

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Love muscle

This fellow was so deeply in love that just before he was married, he had his bride's name tattooed on his love muscle. Normally, only the first and last letters were visible, although when he was aroused, the tattoo spelled out W-E-N-D-Y. Now they're on their honeymoon at a resort in Montego Bay. O...

What do we call people who have no prefrences about muscle size?

They're BiFlexuals.

Human Design

Three engineers went out for drinks after work. An electrical engineer, a mechanical engineer and a civil engineer. They rehashed their respective jobs, complained about the hours and all agreed about insane expectations and demands of clients. After a couple drinks they started loosening up, discus...

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We use 300 muscles to keep our balance when we stand

We use 300 muscles to keep our balance when we stand, The length of a penis is 3 times the length of the thumb the femur is as hard as concrete. A woman's heart beats faster then a man's.A woman has read this entire post..a man is stil lookin at his thumb

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These three drunk guys decide to go to the brothel. The madam sees them coming and tells the girls to just throw some blow up dolls in the rooms

These three drunk guys decide to go to the brothel. The madam sees them coming and tells the girls to just throw some blow up dolls in the rooms and turn the lights out. The guys are so drunk the won't know the difference.

30 minutes later the fellas are back out on the street. The first dru...

Outside the pharmacy in a busy street, a poor man is clutching into a pole for dear life, not breathing, not moving, not twitching a muscle just standing there, frozen.

The pharmacist goes up to his assistant and asks: “What’s the matter with that guy? Wasn’t he in here earlier?”

Assistant replies: “Yes he was. He had the most terrible cough and none of my prescriptions seemed to help.”

Pharmacist says: “He seems to be fine now.”

Assistant repl...

What Do You Call a Ocean Raider Tired of His Pet Bird's Muscle Spasms?

What do you call a ocean raider tired of his pet bird's muscle spasms?

A pirate tired of polly tics.

Jean-Claude Van Damme is "the muscles from Brussels." Who are his kids?

Brussels sprouts.

One morning, the new owner of a saloon was setting up his establishment for the day

He heard a commotion from the street and walked out to see people jumping onto their horses, climbing into buggies, or just running away.

"Hey," the owner called to one of the men. "What's going on?"

"You better run, barkeep," the man replied. "Big Ed's a'comin', and can't nobody sto...

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Three men find a lamp...

Three middle aged men are walking along an abandoned beach when they find a golden lamp glistening in the sun. Deciding they have nothing to lose, they decide to rub it and see what happens. In astonishment, they see a genie appear before them.

"Thank you for freeing me from my lamp. To thank...

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Body parts were arguing, about who should rule the organism.

I should rule! Said the brain. I tell you all how to work!

No! I should! Said heart. I pump blood, so you all can live and have nutrients!

Bullshit! Said kidneys. We filter toxic things out of the blood! Without us you all would get poisoned!

What? Said stomach. I digest the foo...

What do you call a rich guy with muscles?

Vanderbuilt

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[NSFW] a white guy is showering at the gym alone when in comes the biggest and most muscle bound black guy he has ever seen walks in...

The black man whips off his towel and reveals the largest member on a dude the white guy has ever seen. He can’t stop staring and it makes the black man uncomfortable after a few minutes

“You got a problem?” the muscles dude says

“I have to be honest” starts the white guy, “that thing...

What does a muscle contraction cost?

80p

What do you win if you don't move a single muscle all week?

A trophy!

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I have these weird muscle spasms in my gluteus maximus,

I figured out from my doctor that everything was alright:


They said "Weird flex, butt okay."

What are Star Wars clone troopers muscles built of?

Kamino acids.

An electrical engineer, mechanical engineer, and civil engineer are sitting in a bar

when the civil engineer wonders, "If god were an engineer, what type would he be?"

The electrical engineer says, "Oh, that's easy. Think of the human body: impulses in the brain, signals sent through muscles and nerves...god is an electrical engineer."

The mechanical engineer counters,...

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< Athletes foot! >

I made up this joke in 2010

........................................................

A very active runner was hit by a power shovel. The affect was to shear his privates off. When he got to the hospital the doctor tried to reattach it, but to no avail. The doctor then noticed that...

As you probably know, the guards at Buckingham Palace are not supposed to move a muscle.

As you probably know the guards at Buckingham Palace are not supposed to move a muscle. One day one of the guards moved just a bit. The sergeant rushed over and said "George, did I see you flinch?" George replied "Yes sir. You see there was a squirrel in the tree. He ran down the tree across the ...

I had the most obedient dog in the world. I told him not to move a muscle

And he died of cardiac arrest.

Name a rapper with small abdominal muscles

2Pac

What’s the most important muscle at the gym?

The TRY-cep.

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A strong japanese man named Akihiro

Had Moved to New York City. He took a bus to his work every day from monday to friday. When the bus driver asked Akihiro to buy a ticket, Akihiro said "Akihiro no pay ticket". And the driver was too scared to argue, and let Akihiro go to his spot. The bus driver started building muscles so he could ...

Weight loss

There is an overweight guy who is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it. Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about he...

What happened to the guy who called Terry Crews muscles too small?

He died of dissing terry

I've got the heart of a lion, the muscles of 100 men

and a long prison sentence ahead of me

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My grandma told me this joke.

An older gentlemen with some money in his pocket was heading down an old country dirt road with peddlers and wares dealers every few miles.

He runs across a man with several of the biggest roosters he's ever seen, at a price even better. He has to have one, so he says "Sir! Sir! I must have o...

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A man went to the doctor to inquire about options for penis enlargement...

"Doc," he said, "you've got to help me. My penis is miniscule. It always has been. The other boys used to make fun of me in the locker room, girls I dated would laugh at me as soon as we got to the bedroom... I experienced nothing but humiliation my whole life, until I met my wife, god bless her. Sh...

If it takes 13 muscles to smile…

...and 33 muscles to frown, how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?

A muscle cell walks into a bar

Muscle cell *coughs and sneezes*
Bartender "oh my god, what did you contract?"
Muscle cell "Nah I was only Actin"

Did you hear about the mathematician who suffered muscle pain when writing out equations?

They had fibromyalgebra

Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass!

I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!

You can spend all of the quarantine without moving a muscle

And still get a-trophy

What did the man get for losing the most amount of muscle?

Atrophy

It takes 45 muscles to frown and 10 to smile:

Frown all day. Get ripped. Gains.

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What is it called when you compare glutes and chest muscles?

Ass-Pec Ratio

Whats the most muscled cereal ?

Cornflex

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What's the smartest muscle in the human body?

The anal sphincter; it can differentiate solid, liquid, and gas.

A surgeon just removed my son's cardiac muscle.

That's disheartening.

Bodybuilders agree on most methods of building muscle...

...but they can never agree on which is the best whey.

After divorcing from my ten year marriage, I started dating again and was soon using muscles I’d forgotten I had.

Mainly when I smiled.

I just replaced a bunch of parts on my Chevy muscle car and made it a Pontiac muscle car.

Now it’s a trans Trans-Am.

You know how Popeye has muscles of steel? Which muscle does he have that never rusts?

The one that he dips into Olive Oyl.

They say that when you encounter a lion, you shouldn't move a muscle.

So when I encountered one, I stood still for 6 hours.

Then a bloke approached me and said, "The zoo is about to be closed."

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A Jock goes to the doctor, worried that he pulled a muscle.

Based on the activities that the jock describes doing, the doctor determines the most likely place of injury is his ass.

"I have a simple method of determining whether or not you've pulled a muscle. Try contracting the muscles of that area in a manner that you don't normally contract them. ...

A woman sees her doctor complaining about chest pains.

The doctor prescribed her some testosterone pills to help strengthen her heart muscle and warned of the expected side effects.

A few weeks later the woman returns for a follow up appointment complaining of hair growth in unusual places.

When the doctor re-assured that this was to be ex...

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I'm really fortunate for my sphincter muscle.

Without it I'd lose my shit.

What did the Arab leader drink every day to build muscle mass?

A protein sheikh.

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"Dad, does wanking give you big muscles?"

Dad: "I don't know son, but don't stop now... I'm about to cum."

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When a guy drives an excessively loud motorcycle or muscle car we know what they’re compensating for...

...they must have a really quiet penis.

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Two women are sitting at a roadside cafe when a muscle car roars by.

"Looks like someone's compensating for something," the first woman says.

"What do you mean?" her friend asks.

"Well, you know what they say," she replies. "A guy with a big car is making up for his other... shortcomings."

The second woman looks puzzled, and says, "You mean sex? ...

After getting acupuncture, my chronic muscle pain is completely gone.

The pin really is mightier than the sore.

Satan was showing a group of people how he flexes one of his muscles.

It was a demonsstriation.

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The Old Lady and the Gentleman-for-Hire

The Old Lady and the Gentleman-for-Hire

A little old lady checked into a motel on her 70th birthday, but she was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in the phone books for escorts and sensual massages."

She looked through the phone book, found a fu...

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Jake went the doctor for manhood problems

Jake went to the doctor and told him he was having a problem, as he was unable to get his manhood erect:

The doctor checked him out then told him that the muscles around the base of the organ were damaged and there was nothing he could do for him. However, he knew of an experimental treatment...

What do you call a muscle car that won't start?

All torque, no action.

Two Muscled Buff Girls

were at their gym working out one day. About halfway through their workout one of the girls turns to the other and with a very serious face says.
"I'm really thinking about getting off of steroids."

Second girl sets her weights down, "Why would you do that?"

"Well i'm getting hair...

I have great muscle memory

I totally remember when I was in shape.

There once were two people out in the woods...

When they happened to come upon an old well. One person looks at the other and says, "I wonder how deep that well is."

The other responds, "We can figure that out quick enough. Grab one of these logs here, toss it down the well, and count how long it takes to splash."

So the two find a...

I was complaining about my lack of muscle growth to a buddy of mine in the gym...

Me: I come here everyday, 3 hours each day and I look the same as I did 6 months ago.

Buddy: No whey!

What do you call a Mexican with small muscles?

No whey José.

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On a Trans-Atlantic Flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it! Screaming.

she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well, I've had it! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?" For a moment ...

What's the strongest muscle on a pig?

The hamstring.

What's the difference between the winner of a body building competition and a coach potato?

One has a trophy for muscles and the other has muscle atrophy.

A very heavy blond went to the clinic to lose weight.

The doctor told her to eat what she normally ate for three days and then skip a day. He told her she would have lost at least 4 pounds till the next month.

She came back four weeks later, 30 pounds lighter! The doctor looked at her surprised and said "How do you feel now?"

Blonde: "I a...

I'm taking a course with a focus on muscle fatigue.

I don't want to talk about it.

...It's a sore subject.

A long time ago, on the Island of Tridia,

A group of peculiar people dwelled in peace. They were a small, peace-loving group of individuals. They were peculiar for several reasons: they were all extremely short, the tallest of them coming to a whopping meter in height; they were zealously religious, but they had no particular religion; and ...

What do you call an Egyptian who treats sore muscles?

A cairopractor

A divorced lady in her early 40's, out for a walk in the countryside, stumbles over an oddly shaped bottle. Picking it up and rubbing it lightly to see what it is, there’s a puff of smoke and a pixie appears from the bottle neck.

A divorced lady in her early 40's, out for a walk in the countryside, stumbles over an oddly shaped bottle. Picking it up and rubbing it lightly to see what it is, there’s a puff of smoke and a pixie appears from the bottle neck.

"Wow, that’s a relief,” says the pixie, “I’ve been in there a...

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A young lady becomes a hooker, and after her first night on the streets, the other hookers are asking her how it went...

"Well, the first guy I met was really hot! A marine with all kinds of muscles!"

"Ooh! Nice!" another girl says. "How'd it go?"

"Well I told him it was $50 for a fuck. He said he didn't have that much. So I told him it's $25 for a blowjob. He didn't have that much either. So I said it's...

Where does Muscle Milk come from?

Muscle mammary

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I pulled a muscle masturbating...

I know, I know; you're not supposed to put the punchline in the title.

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