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Muscle Jokes

I pulled a muscle digging for gold.

It was just a miner injury.

What do you get for winning a muscle loss competition?

Atrophy.

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Young woman in a muscle car: " Is there a problem, Officer?"

Officer: "Ma'am, you were speeding. "

Woman: "Oh, I see. "

Officer: "Can I see your license please? "

Woman: "I'd give it to you but I don't have one. "

Officer: "Don't have one? "

Woman: "Lost it 4 times for drunk driving. "

Officer: "I see...Can I see your...

What does the Mandalorian say after he starts a new diet to gain more muscle?

This is the whey.

Bodybuilders agree on most methods of building muscle...

but they can never agree on which is the best whey.

How did the skeleton try to build muscle?

By doing dead lifts.

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game

They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfoun...

A lot of guys struggle to add muscle

Take my cousin, for example. He has a very strict diet and always sticks to his regimen. He never skips a day. The dude is still a skeleton, basically. Some people just struggle to add weight. Granted, his regimen mostly includes heroin, but still.

What is first prize in a competition to lose muscle mass?

a trophy.

What kind of prize do you give to someone that hasn’t moved a muscle in over a year?

Atrophy!

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Working in a forestry camp with my buddy Mike

My buddy Mike and I were working in a forestry camp, clearing brush, planting trees, trimming branches, and a hundred other chores.


The foreman, Silan, made us work hard. It seems like we rarely got a break. We would catch our breath, and then it’d be back to work. It was hard work, bac...

Steve owns a flower stand.

He’s got all kinds of flowers - daisies, petunias, roses, and even wildflowers like firewheels and bluebonnets. He has the most expansive collection of flowers in the city, all of the highest quality, and business is booming.

However, one day, a group of priests moved in across the street and...

The two medical examiners

A seasoned medical examiner brings his new trainee to their very first crime scene. The grizzled veteran tells the rookie that “this is a messy one – are you sure you can handle it?”

The rookie says “of course – I’ve got this.”

So they go in and it is a mess. All sorts of human bits an...

Today I learned all about the orbicularis oculi muscles.

Quite the eye opener I tell ya

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A man scores a hot date Not wanting to disappoint his date in the bedroom, he goes to the doctor to get his penis enlarged.

The doctor says, "we happen to have a new experimental procedure that uses muscle cells from an elephant trunk that should do the trick." To which the man accepts.

Later on, the man and his date are having dinner. The man is in love with her, but is experiencing an increasingly uncomfortable ...

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Sex and Golf

Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to first-year medical students.

This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know...

What do you give to someone who hasn't used their muscles In a long time?

A trophy

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4 Men at a bar discuss the most difficult sport to play. The first man, wide as a dishwasher and having huge muscles all over, says

“I’m a football player, it’s the hardest sport in the world to play! You’ve gotta be in top physical condition and have excellent situational awareness.”

The second man, an older gentleman wearing a collared shirt, says “Sorry champ, but the actual hardest sport to play is golf. Every swing o...

I just got a trophy for the world's weakest muscles!

What trophy?

Dystrophy

A bodybuilder takes off his shirt and starts flexing in front of a blonde woman. She exclaims...

"Wow, what a great chest you have!"

"He says, "Solid dynamite, babe."

He then takes off his pants and the blonde says, "Wow, what massive calves you have!"

He flexes his leg muscles and says, "Like I said, pure dynamite, sweetheart."

Then he removes his underwear and the ...

What do we call people who have no prefrences about muscle size?

They're BiFlexuals.

What does a muscle contraction cost?

80p

What did the winner of the muscle loss contest receive as a prize?

Atrophy

Outside the pharmacy in a busy street, a poor man is clutching into a pole for dear life, not breathing, not moving, not twitching a muscle just standing there, frozen.

The pharmacist goes up to his assistant and asks: “What’s the matter with that guy? Wasn’t he in here earlier?”

Assistant replies: “Yes he was. He had the most terrible cough and none of my prescriptions seemed to help.”

Pharmacist says: “He seems to be fine now.”

Assistant repl...

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I have these weird muscle spasms in my gluteus maximus,

I figured out from my doctor that everything was alright:


They said "Weird flex, butt okay."

I entered a competition to see whose muscles could whither away the fastest.

The winner got atrophy.

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Love muscle

This fellow was so deeply in love that just before he was married, he had his bride's name tattooed on his love muscle. Normally, only the first and last letters were visible, although when he was aroused, the tattoo spelled out W-E-N-D-Y. Now they're on their honeymoon at a resort in Montego Bay. O...

so i was in a urinal in the carribbean

And on my love muscle i have my GFs name Wendy tattoed. I was in the urinal next to this dark guy who had the letters W and Y tattooed on his love muscle. I asked him if he had a gf called Wendy as well, he said "Na man. It says Welcome to Jamaica, have a nice stay"

A guy walks into a pharmacy: "I have extreme headaches, my belly cramps, I feel like I'm about to vomit and my back hurts like something tears the muscles apart. Do you have something?"

Pharmacists: Nope, I feel fine!

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[NSFW] a white guy is showering at the gym alone when in comes the biggest and most muscle bound black guy he has ever seen walks in...

The black man whips off his towel and reveals the largest member on a dude the white guy has ever seen. He can’t stop staring and it makes the black man uncomfortable after a few minutes

“You got a problem?” the muscles dude says

“I have to be honest” starts the white guy, “that thing...

Pill commercials nowadays be like

“After just one use, derpatine fixed my knee pain and I can run again!”

“Consult a doctor if you’re experiencing any headaches, nausea, muscle pain, blurry vision, nasal congestion, loss of sight, kidney failure, hernia, heart attacks, strokes or knee pain after using derpatine”

As you probably know, the guards at Buckingham Palace are not supposed to move a muscle.

As you probably know the guards at Buckingham Palace are not supposed to move a muscle. One day one of the guards moved just a bit. The sergeant rushed over and said "George, did I see you flinch?" George replied "Yes sir. You see there was a squirrel in the tree. He ran down the tree across the ...

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We use 300 muscles to keep our balance when we stand

We use 300 muscles to keep our balance when we stand, The length of a penis is 3 times the length of the thumb the femur is as hard as concrete. A woman's heart beats faster then a man's.A woman has read this entire post..a man is stil lookin at his thumb

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

Name a rapper with small abdominal muscles

2Pac

What do you win if you don't move a single muscle all week?

A trophy!

It takes 43 muscles to frown and 17 to smile

but 182 to blink.

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class. The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Principal: 6+6.

Boy: 12.

The boy got all the questions right. The principal told the Madam to send ...

What Do You Call a Ocean Raider Tired of His Pet Bird's Muscle Spasms?

What do you call a ocean raider tired of his pet bird's muscle spasms?

A pirate tired of polly tics.

What do you call a rich guy with muscles?

Vanderbuilt

What are Star Wars clone troopers muscles built of?

Kamino acids.

What’s the most important muscle at the gym?

The TRY-cep.

Three men hold a contest in front of a panel of women to see who can pleasure a woman best.

The first man, a body builder, is brought up to the stage and announces that he can deadlift 550lbs and can bench 315lbs. Proving it true, the man completes the lifts with ease. Flexing his muscles in front of the women and winking, he leaves the stage.

The next man, a professional chef, impr...

I had the most obedient dog in the world. I told him not to move a muscle

And he died of cardiac arrest.

What happened to the guy who called Terry Crews muscles too small?

He died of dissing terry

A muscle cell walks into a bar

Muscle cell *coughs and sneezes*
Bartender "oh my god, what did you contract?"
Muscle cell "Nah I was only Actin"

They say that when you encounter a lion, you shouldn't move a muscle.

So when I encountered one, I stood still for 6 hours.

Then a bloke approached me and said, "The zoo is about to be closed."

If it takes 13 muscles to smile…

...and 33 muscles to frown, how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?

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What's the smartest muscle in the human body?

The anal sphincter; it can differentiate solid, liquid, and gas.

Do you wanna know what makes me smile?

Face muscles

A surgeon just removed my son's cardiac muscle.

That's disheartening.

Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass!

I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!

You can spend all of the quarantine without moving a muscle

And still get a-trophy

After divorcing from my ten year marriage, I started dating again and was soon using muscles I’d forgotten I had.

Mainly when I smiled.

A bus full of ugly people drives off a cliff.

They all make it to Heaven. When they get there God makes them all form a single-file line before the pearly gates and explains to them that as you enter paradise, you can make one wish, so long as it's not to come back to life or anything that interferes with the world of the living.

The...

You know how Popeye has muscles of steel? Which muscle does he have that never rusts?

The one that he dips into Olive Oyl.

It takes 45 muscles to frown and 10 to smile:

Frown all day. Get ripped. Gains.

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I'm really fortunate for my sphincter muscle.

Without it I'd lose my shit.

I have great muscle memory

I totally remember when I was in shape.

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These three drunk guys decide to go to the brothel. The madam sees them coming and tells the girls to just throw some blow up dolls in the rooms

These three drunk guys decide to go to the brothel. The madam sees them coming and tells the girls to just throw some blow up dolls in the rooms and turn the lights out. The guys are so drunk the won't know the difference.

30 minutes later the fellas are back out on the street. The first dru...

Did you hear about the mathematician who suffered muscle pain when writing out equations?

They had fibromyalgebra

What did the Arab leader drink every day to build muscle mass?

A protein sheikh.

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When a guy drives an excessively loud motorcycle or muscle car we know what they’re compensating for...

...they must have a really quiet penis.

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Two women are sitting at a roadside cafe when a muscle car roars by.

"Looks like someone's compensating for something," the first woman says.

"What do you mean?" her friend asks.

"Well, you know what they say," she replies. "A guy with a big car is making up for his other... shortcomings."

The second woman looks puzzled, and says, "You mean sex? ...

A substitute teacher enters the class and asks:

"What do we call it when a muscle moves in our body involuntarily?"

No answer comes from the students. After waiting for a while the teacher decides to move on with another topic, but he sees a reluctant hand rising from the back row. The teacher tells him to answer. The kid replies:

"...

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"Dad, does wanking give you big muscles?"

Dad: "I don't know son, but don't stop now... I'm about to cum."

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A Jock goes to the doctor, worried that he pulled a muscle.

Based on the activities that the jock describes doing, the doctor determines the most likely place of injury is his ass.

"I have a simple method of determining whether or not you've pulled a muscle. Try contracting the muscles of that area in a manner that you don't normally contract them. ...

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What is it called when you compare glutes and chest muscles?

Ass-Pec Ratio

I just replaced a bunch of parts on my Chevy muscle car and made it a Pontiac muscle car.

Now it’s a trans Trans-Am.

I was complaining about my lack of muscle growth to a buddy of mine in the gym...

Me: I come here everyday, 3 hours each day and I look the same as I did 6 months ago.

Buddy: No whey!

After getting acupuncture, my chronic muscle pain is completely gone.

The pin really is mightier than the sore.

An angry shellfish recently hunted me down…

It had muscle memory

What do you call a muscle car that won't start?

All torque, no action.

Satan was showing a group of people how he flexes one of his muscles.

It was a demonsstriation.

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A detachment of US Marines are conducting jungle warfare training in the Congo, and one night around the campfire, the Congolese troops they're training with tell the Marines the tale of a cave in the middle of the jungle, filled with golden treasure but guarded by a fearsome monster.

According to the local soldiers, the cave is filled with the treasures of an ancient African king, but a sorcerer used his arcane powers to create an unholy creature to guard it. She was formed from a mix of human, gorilla, chimpanzee, and baboon, and stands seven feet tall, enormously strong. She h...

Who was the strongest dictator?

Muscle-ini

Two Muscled Buff Girls

were at their gym working out one day. About halfway through their workout one of the girls turns to the other and with a very serious face says.
"I'm really thinking about getting off of steroids."

Second girl sets her weights down, "Why would you do that?"

"Well i'm getting hair...

What do you call an Egyptian who treats sore muscles?

A cairopractor

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Big Mean Steve

There's a boom town out in the desert in the old west.

One day word starts going around that Big Mean Steve's coming. All the shopkeepers start boarding up their windows and half the town starts loading up their wagons. They ask each other, "You sticking around?" "Hell no, Big Mean Steve's co...

I'm taking a course with a focus on muscle fatigue.

I don't want to talk about it.

...It's a sore subject.

What do you call a Mexican with small muscles?

No whey José.

Where does Muscle Milk come from?

Muscle mammary

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A man goes to the doctor to ask about options for penis enlargement.

He says, "doc, it's tiny. My pinky finger has more girth. I'm afraid my wife is going to leave me if I don't do something about it."

The doctor replies, "well, if you're really that small, I don't think medication is an option. However, there is an experimental surgery I've been developing, w...

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I pulled a muscle masturbating...

I know, I know; you're not supposed to put the punchline in the title.

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A young lady becomes a hooker, and after her first night on the streets, the other hookers are asking her how it went...

"Well, the first guy I met was really hot! A marine with all kinds of muscles!"

"Ooh! Nice!" another girl says. "How'd it go?"

"Well I told him it was $50 for a fuck. He said he didn't have that much. So I told him it's $25 for a blowjob. He didn't have that much either. So I said it's...

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An angry man walked into a Taverna one evening, and yelled "I hate the Greeks!"

He looked around, at the light blue wall paper, with the white Grecian key pattern going around the top. He stared into the eyes of the bar tender, a strapping young lad with an olive complexion, rich black hair, a glorious unibrow, and piercing green eyes.

"Are you a Greek?" he asked, menaci...

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I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend this morning who called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around.

We lost track of time, chatting about the wild,
romantic times we used to enjoy together.
I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be
interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that 'old magic'. Wow!' I was flabbergasted.
'I don't know if I could keep pace with you now',
...

a man walks into a bar and shouts

"who thinks he's badass enough and can beat me in an open fight?"

"I do", answers a man from the corner, 7 feet long, well muscled and looks like a professional boxer or something

Our man looks at him, then turns to the rest and shouts

"who thinks he's...

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Three men find a lamp...

Three middle aged men are walking along an abandoned beach when they find a golden lamp glistening in the sun. Deciding they have nothing to lose, they decide to rub it and see what happens. In astonishment, they see a genie appear before them.

"Thank you for freeing me from my lamp. To thank...

What do you call a girl who only likes guys with big muscles?

A Biceptual

I also have a joke that's never heard before!

My neighbor is going to court for allegedly beating his wife and kids with his belly muscles.

He's being tried for domestic ab use.

A very heavy blond went to the clinic to lose weight.

The doctor told her to eat what she normally ate for three days and then skip a day. He told her she would have lost at least 4 pounds till the next month.

She came back four weeks later, 30 pounds lighter! The doctor looked at her surprised and said "How do you feel now?"

Blonde: "I a...

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