This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. As I walked in, she turned to me and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "This is my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table!

Afterwards she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She giggled, "The egg timer's broken."

What did the egg say to the pot of boiling water?

It might take me a minute to get hard, I just got laid this morning.

I ordered a chicken and an egg from amazon...

I’ll let you know

I went to a halloween party dressed as a chicken. Met a girl dressed as an egg. A question as old as time was answered

The chicken

I'm assuming that none of the Jenners ask Kylie to make breakfast.

Since she can't even beat an egg

Edit:
Whoa, front page, im ashamed. Thank you kind stranger for the silver oh, you made my day!

I miss going to the store with 1$ as a kid and being able to get a pack of milk, 12 eggs and a lot of candies.

Now they have cameras everywhere

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

I would'nt know, never fucked an egg before.

I don't know why the teen that cracked egg on the Aussie senator's head is hailed as a hero.

He's clearly an eggstremist and we don't condone eggstremism

Why shouldn’t you tell an egg a joke

You’ll look crazy

Why was the newly born egg so happy?

He just got laid!

I like my eggs how I like my children.

Beaten.

A farmer's wife is making breakfast for her husband...

As she's serving his breakfast, he grabs her breast and tells her "if these could give milk, we could get rid of the cows". Visibly upset, she continues cooking. A moment later he grabs his wife's crotch and tells her "if this could lay eggs, we could get rid of the chickens".

As the wife sit...

A programmer

A programmer is going to the grocery store and his wife tells him, "Buy a gallon of milk, and if there are eggs, buy a dozen." So the programmer goes, buys everything, and drives back to his house. Upon arrival, his wife angrily asks him, "Why did you get 13 gallons of milk?" The programmer says, "T...

I had a hen who could count her own eggs

She was a mathamachicken

Every time I eat eggs benedict I'm reminded of my time in the Netherlands.

You know, my Holland days.

What's the worst part about being an egg?

You only get laid once and it's by your mum.

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.

The chicken rolls over, lights up a cigarette and says “Well, I guess that answers that question.”

I like my women the way I like my eggs.

Over easy.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I sa...

I dropped an egg onto a concrete floor and it didn't break…

This is probably because concrete floors are really hard...

My girlfriend broke up with me this morning over a broken egg

She said Omelette you go

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Eggs, blowjob, wife, and meat. Which one doesn’t belong?

Well you can beat you eggs, you can beat your wife, and you can beat your meat... but you can’t beat a blowjob!

The Egg

I'm utterly opposed to any form of egg cracking on anyone's head and I totally condemn the act of the underage violent vigilante who cracked an egg on senators head. However with that being said what it highlights is the endless distribution and importing of eggs all around the world. Rising fear of...

If you can convince a hooker to make eggs after....

Is she a bed and breakfast?

At the risk of getting egg on my face and being too cheesy.

Omelette au fromage.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter explained, "You died in your sleep, Bob." Bob was stunned, "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!"

St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back and that is as a chicken."

Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.

The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled...

Where did the amphibian lay her eggs?

Dunno, she frogot.

What's the difference between Kylie Jenner and an egg?

One is just a fragile shell, containing contents so shallow, they hardly give any sustenance to those who want it. And if dropped, or tossed away, can be easily replaced by bunch of others, exactly like them.

And the other is an egg.

So my friend's daughter Zas, who is 3, asked me where eggs come from.

I said, 'Well, they come from a chicken'.

To which she replied: 'But where do they COME from?'

I chuckled and said, 'From a chicken, silly!'

But this did not satisfy her.

'I mean WHERE do they come from?'

'From chickens of course', I reiterated for the third time.<...

What’s the difference between me and an egg?

An egg gets laid.

How can you tell which eggs are the best?

Ask an Eggs-pert.

When I was of 6, Mom would send me down to the corner store with $10 and I would get 5 bags of potato chips, 2 loaves of bread, 3 pack of milk, some cheese and 6 eggs.

You can't do that now, too many damn security cameras!

A housewife comes running from the kitchen and grabs her husband

"We have to make love right this moment," she declares, pulling his clothes off.

Not one to waste an opportunity, the man stands at attention and gets to work.

After the deed is done, the man says, "That was pretty good. But why all of a sudden?."

"Oh," the wife replies, "my egg...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why Does the Easter Bunny hide the eggs.?

Because he doesnt want anyone knowing he fucked a chicken.

Why do the French make omelettes with only one egg?

Because one is always anouef

*true story. I dropped an egg on my feet while cooking breakfast

I guess the yolk's on me...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you get when you eat unsalted butter, all-purpose flour, baking powder, sugar, raw eggs, vanilla extract and whole milk?

A stomach cake!

What are the 5 worst reasons to be an egg?

You only get laid once, you only get hard once, you only get eaten once, the only person to sit on your face is your mom, and you come in a box with 11 other guys.

What kind of a car does an egg drive?

A Yolkswagen.

How I accidentally crushed a vegan customer's soul at Subway ;-;

So I work at Subway, yesterday I had a chick come in, she told me she wanted a Veggie Delight. As I went to get the bread she asked me if I could change my gloves cause she was vegan and I had been handling meat. I did that, no problem, perfectly reasonable request. I get her bread, toast it and put...

How does Kanye West like his eggs?

Over Yeezy

Give a man an egg and he’ll eat for a day

Breed a man that can lay an egg and suddenly you’re “taking science too far.”

TIL in France it's rare for people to have more than one egg for breakfast

It turns out that in France one egg is un oeuf.

What do you call a hen that counts its own eggs?

A mathemachicken.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Given the terms: drum, meat, egg, blowjob which one doesn't fit?

Blowjob. You can beat a drum, beat an egg, beat your meat, but you can't beat a blowjob.

What do you call an egg made of gold and diamonds?

Eggspensive!

My fiance told me that she would never marry me if I had anything on my eggs when I ate them

One day, when I thought she was out for work, I decided to toast an english muffin to go along with them. Apparently, she forgot something, and came back to get it, when she caught me in the act. "Baby, wait," I said, "I can eggs plain!"

My mate was telling me he buys extra large cage eggs instead of the regular ones.

He feels better knowing their cages are bigger than all the rest of the other chickens.

What noise do French eggs make when they die?

Oeuf

A picture of an egg on Instagram got more likes than Kylie Jenner...

...I guess you could say the egg beat her.

Eggs

​Two eggs boiling in a pan.
One says,"I've got a huge crack."
The other replies,"Stop teasing me, I'm not hard yet."​

Told by a 7 year old boy: How do you drop on an egg on a concrete floor without cracking it.

Concrete floors are really hard to crack.

Then he said "you were thinking about the egg weren't you!"

Because of the egg getting the most liked picture on Instagram an age old question has been answered.

The egg came first

A man had been feeling sick for several days. Finally he decided to try a new doctor who had just moved into town...

After hearing the man's symptoms and listening to his belly with a stethoscope the doctor told him that he had a tapeworm. ''Oh, is that bad? How can I get rid of it?'' asked the man. ''Come in tomorrow and bring a hard boiled egg and a oreo cookie,'' said the doctor. When he saw a puzzled look cros...

I only eat eggs Benedict on a hubcap.

There’s no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.

I wasn't going to visit my parents this xmas, but my mom promised she'd make me eggs benedict

So I'm going home for the hollandaise

A chicken farmer and his son went out to gather eggs one morning

They went in the hen house but couldn't find a single egg. As they left the hen house they saw several sets of footprints leading away from the roost.

Following them up and over a hill they found an abandoned campsite with a still smoldering fire.

Next to the fire was an old pot and a ...

What did the egg say when it got too high? (My own creation as far as I know)

"OMELETTE.."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was at a deli when the waitress asked me “What would you like?”

I said, “I want to DEVOUR THE UNBORN!”

Waitress: What the fuck?

Me: Eggs. I want eggs.

A chicken farmer is having a problem with the number of eggs the chickens are laying. They hires 3 scientists to help them figure it out, a Biologist, A Chemist, and a Physicist.

The Biologist runs some tests and tells the farmer that the hormone levels are off and a better living condition might help.
The Chemist does some tests and tells the farmer that the feed doesn't contain enough calcium for the birds to produce eggs and suggests changing to a calcium rich diet wou...

What is it called when you bid on a bunch of crow eggs on Ebay?

Attempted murder.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

“Back in the day...” my grandfather started to say. “You could walk into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs and a bit of butter as well.”

“But today...” he continued. “Wherever you go, there are cameras...”

An egg, a bacon, and a coffee walk into a bar...

The bacon asks the bartender “I’d like three beers for me and my friends” the bartender replies “no way man, we don’t serve breakfast here”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When did the Japanese start eating eggs?

A long ta ma go

My wife asked me if I was good at making scrambled eggs.

"Yes," I replied, "I worked at an abortion clinic for a while."

I’ve concluded the chicken came before the egg

and got arrested for paedophilia

Why don’t French people order 2 eggs in a restaurant?

Because one egg is un oeuf.

Bacon and Egg lead very interesting lives

Egg went to college but Bacon Strips

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What’s the difference between an egg, cancer and a blow job? NSFW

You can beat an egg, you can beat cancer but you just can’t beat a blow job.

Can I tell you an egg joke? Its gonna “crack” you up!

Sorry I got so eggcited I forgot what the yolk was.

Why is a plate of Eggs Benedict the perfect breakfast?

Because it is beyond repoach

When I'm single I go straight to the farm and collect eggs

It's the best place to pick up chicks.

I can't believe people are still asking each other "Who came first, the chicken or the egg"

It was obviously the rooster

A programmer's wife tells him to buy a loaf of bread, she also said that if there are eggs, get a dozen

The programmer returns home with 12 loaves of bread.

A programmer and his wife are reviewing their grocery list.

She says, “We’re out of bread. Please go the grocery store and buy one. And if they’ve got eggs, get six.”

After a while, he’s back with six loaves of bread.

The wife asks, “Why did you buy 6 loaves of bread?”

He replies, “They had eggs.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Given the words 'wife', 'odds', 'egg', and 'blowjob' which one doesn't fit the category?

Ans: (First, change the above term "wife" to "traffic" so that the good people are happy.) Blowjob. You can beat an egg, you can beat the odds, you can beat the traffic, but you can't beat a blowjob.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman is cooking eggs in the kitchen when her husband walks in.

Immediately, he sees the eggs and gasps in horror.

"Be careful! CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh, my GOSH!"

The wife, startled at her husband's violent reaction, dashes to the fridge to get some butter.

"You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!"...

[NSFW] How do you get into a girl's eggs?

With spermission.

A chicken and an egg are in bed

A chicken and an egg are in bed together.

The chicken has her arms crossed and is glaring at the egg.

The egg has an amused look on his face and is smoking a cigarette.

After few moments the chicken says:

“Well I guess we answered THAT question.”

What do you get when you cross Tim Minchin with an egg?

Bill Bailey

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did you know that when you the sperm originally enters the vagina the female immune system tries to destroy it? But later on it helps it get to the egg....

This is the just another example of a woman not being able to make up her mind