The 76+ Best Egg Jokes - ↑UPJOKE↑

NSFW What did the egg say to the boiling water?

I just got laid and you expect me to be hard in3 minutes?!?

A wife is frying eggs for her husband in the morning

Suddenly the husband appears behind the wife's back and says:

"Careful, CAREFUL, put more fat in the pan! You're frying too many at a time. TOO MANY! Flip them! FLIP THEM! Come on!
Put more fat in there. Oh dear lord. How are you gonna make space for the fat now, look, they're sticking to ...

This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. As I walked in, she turned to me and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "This is my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table!

Afterwards she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She giggled, "The egg timer's broken."

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Which one doesn't belong: eggs, your wife, or a blow job?

The blow job. You can beat your eggs and your wife but you can't beat a blow job.

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A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once.

TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to sal...

John was in the fertilized egg business.

He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
...

Lets face it English is a stupid language There is no egg in the eggplant No ham in the hamburger And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England

French Fries Were Not Invented In France.

We Sometimes Take English For Granted

But If We Examine Its Paradoxes We Find That:

Quicksand Takes You Down Slowly

Boxing Rings Are Square

And A Guinea Pig Is Neither From Guinea Nor Is It A Pig.

If Writers Write, H...

I went to a costume party dressed as an egg and I met a girl dressed as a chicken.

I said to her "So are we going to find out, or what?"

A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The cashier says, "You must be single." The man answered, “Wow, how did you know that?”

The cashier replied, “Because you’re ugly.”

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon today

I'll let you know.

Told by a 7 year old boy: How do you drop on an egg on a concrete floor without cracking it.

Concrete floors are really hard to crack.

Then he said "you were thinking about the egg weren't you!"

A piece of toast and a hard boiled egg walked into a bar.....

The bartender says " Sorry, we don't serve breakfast here".

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A women is cooking eggs in the kitchen when her husband comes running in…

Immediately, he sees the eggs and gasps in horror.

"Be careful! CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh, my GOSH!"

The wife, startled at her husband's violent reaction, dashes to the fridge to get some butter.

"You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!"...

Women have eggs and milk in them...

And they say that they don't belong in the kitchen.

I asked my wife, “Which came first, the chicken or the egg?”

Without hesitation, she sighed and said, “The Rooster did. The rooster always comes first.”

Give a man an egg and he’ll eat for a day

Breed a man that can lay an egg and suddenly you’re “taking science too far.”

In France, do you know why they only eat one egg at breakfast time?

Because one egg is enough

A man goes to a Halloween party dressed up as a chicken and he meets a girl dressed up as an egg.

The answer is the chicken.

Why is it so sad to be an egg?

Because you get smashed once, laid once and the only bird to sit on your face is your mother.

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“Back in the day...” my grandfather started to say. “You could walk into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs and a bit of butter as well.”

“But today...” he continued. “Wherever you go, there are cameras...”

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Given the words 'wife', 'odds', 'egg', and 'blowjob' which one doesn't fit the category?

Ans: (First, change the above term "wife" to "traffic" so that the good people are happy.) Blowjob. You can beat an egg, you can beat the odds, you can beat the traffic, but you can't beat a blowjob.

I asked Vincent van gogh to get me 6 eggs from the store, he came back with three...

Forgot he can only hear half of what I'm saying

My friend is convinced there's no way of knowing whether the chicken or the egg came first.

He's a real eggnostic, that one.

Why eggs don't tell jokes to each other?

Because they might crack each other up. :)

What do you call a hen that counts her own eggs?

A Mathmachicken.

My kid told me that and it made me chuckle.

Why do the French make omelettes with only one egg?

Because in France one egg is un oeuf.

I had a hen who could count her own eggs..

She was a mathmachicken.

Went out last night dressed as a chicken and got with a girl dressed as an egg

A life long question was answered. It was the chicken

From how high can you drop an egg onto a concrete floor without breaking it?

Higher than you would think, the structural integrity of a well laid concrete floor renders it virtually indestructible towards an incoming egg, even at terminal velocity.

My grandpa used to sprinkle a tablespoon of gunpowder on his eggs every morning.

Said it gave him energy through the day. When he died at the ripe old age of 96, he left behind a grieving wife, 6 children, 14 grandchildren, 3 great grandchildren and a 25 foot hole in the side of the crematorium.

I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger eating a chocolate egg.

I said to him, “I bet I know what your favorite Christian festival is.”

He said, “Have to love Easter, baby.”

What's the difference between a brick, an egg, and you?

One of you has gotten laid, one of you is going to get laid, and one of you will never get laid.

What do egg whites and my exboyfriend have in common.

They both get stiff when beaten.

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All the sperm cells are getting ready for that moment when they would race down and be the first to impregnate the egg.

The day finally come, they felt vibration and began racing down the shaft. The cell in first place is so excited he could almost see the end. Then all of a sudden, he turns around, waves at everyone behind him and yells, "Turn around, turn around, it's a blowjob!"

What do Green Eggs and Ham, and Fifty Shades of Gray have in common?

They both encourage people who can barely read to try new things.

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Egg and hen.

The egg and the hen are sitting in the waiting room. The nurse comes out and asks, so who was first? The egg turns red and says, fuck you with this already.

I was walking passed a farm and a sign said ‘Duck, eggs’.

I thought, that’s an unnecessary comma. And then it hit me.

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An egg and a sausage are in a frying pan...

"Boy, it sure is hot in here..."

"Fuck me! A talking sausage!"

I was about to tell some new jokes about the expensive eggs I bought

But before I could, someone poached them.

What do you give at an egg collector's funeral?

An oology

Why did the egg dad get kicked out of the house?

Because his family couldn't handle his egg-cellent dad yolks anymore!

Happy father's day!

How do you make an egg-roll?

You push it!

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What is the difference between an egg & a wank?

You can beat an egg but you can’t beat a wank.

A carton of milk and eggs

My wife said: "Please go to the store and buy a carton of milk and if they have eggs, get six."
I came back with 6 cartons of milk She said, "why in the hell did you buy six cartons of milk"

"They had eggs"

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A farmer read in a paper that a single egg has as many nutrients as a whole bale of hay.

The farmer was very excited thinking how much money he could now save on feeding his horse, and quickly changed the horse's diet to one egg a day.

As days and weeks went by, the farmer noticed his horse getting thinner and thinner, weaker and weaker. After four weeks, when the horse could...

What's an egg's favorite vacation spot?

New Yolk City.

My son was eating his boiled egg for breakfast, when he said “dad, I think this egg is out of date.”

I said “stop messing about, just eat it.”

He said “but Dad it’s really really out of date.”

I said “I don’t care, just eat the damn thing!”

He said “Okay dad, but do I have to eat the beak and feet too?”

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Sperm and egg sales are experiencing a boom right now

I guess sex cells

Why did the chicken lay its egg on the mountain?

It wanted to make an egg-roll.

Two eggs, a bagel, and a sausage walk into a bar. “Bartender, my friends and I would like a cold one,” says one of the eggs.

“Sorry,” the barman replies. “We don’t serve breakfast.”

Call me an egg

Cos you guys are crackin' me up

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An English and an Irish farmer are arguing at their fence over Politics when along comes a chicken and lays an egg right on the fence boundary.

The English farmer exclaims "It's my egg, because it's my Chicken", and the Irish farmer replies with "Well, the egg is mostly on my side of the fence, so it's mine". They argue back and forth about an hour, until the Irish farmer comes up with a solution.

"To see who the strongest farmer is...

The programmer's wife tells him: "Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen".

The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

Do you like eggs?

I have them in the morning with my toast.
Sometimes sunny side up, sometimes scrambled, sometimes over easy.
I think they're eggsellent.

Last night I went to a costume party dressed as a chicken and met a woman dressed as an egg.

One thing led to another ... and a lifelong question was answered.

Why do we color eggs for Easter?

Because Jesus DYED for our sins.

Happy Easter!

Gaston from Beauty and the Beast says he eats 5 dozen eggs every day...

He must be a millionaire!

My Egg died.

He died last fry day. Thank God he wasn't beaten.

Don't worry he went over easy.

He's now on the sunny side.

He's definitely in a better plate...

I have searched the world over for a chef who can make eggs Benedict like mama used to.

But there's no place like home for the hollandaise.

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When did dishes with eggs as the centerpiece become popular in Japan?

It was a long tamago.

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Brian's Eggs

Brian came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell fast asleep.

When Brian awoke a few hours later he found a strange man was standing at the end of his bed w...

There’s nothing I love more than eggs with extra-durable yolks.

They just can’t be beaten.

Whilst in America, my son and I went shopping in Wal-mart. I asked the cashier if they had any Kinder eggs.

"Oh no, sir, we don't sell them in the States - they are a health hazard!"

"Okay," I replied. "I'll just take these two assault rifles then."

Why are eggs, euphoric and non-competitive?

Because they just got laid, and they’re easy to beat.

How do you make an amazing egg roll?

...you push it

This Halloween, I stopped the pranksters before they covered my house with eggs again.

We met up for negotiations and signed a trick or treaty.

Do egg jokes crack you up? Or do they make you scramble away...

omelette you think about it...

Have you ever had duck eggs?

They're good for making quackers

Chicken and an egg

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken lights up a cigarette. The egg, with a dissatisfied look on it's face, rolls over and remarks, "Well, I guess we answered that question."

My ex just donated her eggs and got $3,000! WTF?

I donated sperm and all I got was a weird look from the Salvation Army Santa.

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Who's egg is it anyways!

There was once a Irishman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Irishman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.

One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's ...

Did you hear Humpty Dumpty’s egg business posted record profits in Q3?

He had a great fall.

How do you throw an egg againts a brick wall without breaking it?

It doesn’t matter, there is no way an egg would actually break brick wall.

Just realized I really like Eggs Benedict when they're served on disposable dishes..

There's just no plates like foam for the Hollandaise

What did the broken egg say to his friends?

"What's crackin'?"

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how does a vulva order their eggs?

ovaries-y

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