I just got a reminder in Outlook that Friday is World Sleep Day.

I put it on snooze. I’m doing my bit.

What do you call a lying robot with a positive outlook?

Optimist prime the deception-con

What is the opposite of Outlook?

In touch. That explains why you don't get in touch with people you contact with Outlook.

My outlook on life is so bleak.

Even my blood type is negative.

One Bill Gates' divorce

According to Melinda Gates, Bill just didn't Excel at his marriage. Apparently he had no Power Points while arguing, but he always had to have the last Word. And now that he no longer had Access to her heart, the Outlook was not looking good for them. They couldn’t work together as Teams. On the Sur...

Gates to Divorce

**Word** is she wasn't happy with his workaholic habit of being in the **Office365**, and was starting to develop a poor **Outlook** on their relationship. Despite how much he happened to **Excel**, she just felt like she didn't have acceptable**Access** to him anymore. Now he is on the **Edge,** be...

Bill and Melinda started out as an Office romance

But his PowerPoint didn't Excel. So she denied him Access without a Word. Outlook not good.

What do you call an italian fortune teller with a negative outlook on the future?

A pesto-mystic.

What did the incel say, when he had a sudden bout of inspiration to change his outlook on life and start approaching attractive women, in a confident manner?

Begone,thought!

Microsoft is releasing a a reverse Outlook soon

So we should all be on Lookout

What do you call a dolphin with a newfound outlook on life?

Reporpoised

My family's surname is depressant, we all share a bleak outlook on life.

Except for my auntie.

Did you hear about a house built by Microsoft?

What it Excels in is the Outlook from its Windows.

I was feeling bad about the future today, but then I installed the new version of office.

It improved my outlook.

Being dyslexic hasn't stopped me from having a positive outlook on life..

Because when life gives you melons, make melonade.

I used a magic 8 ball to try and find the best email service

..all it would tell me was "Outlook good"

With the current outlook on UK exit polls...

It looks like june is the end of May

new shoes, new outlook on life.

I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer.
Don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all week.

Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office...

I will find you; you have my Word. You’ve taken my one only good Outlook in life. Seriously though, how did you gain Access & why did you only leave OneNote?

A man feels ill but isn't sure why.

A man and his wife go to the doctor to try and find out why he has been so ill and depressed for some time. When they arrive the doctor first examines the husband and runs some tests. They spend a few hours getting the relevant information then send them home to with wait for some of the results. ...

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“This is good!”

Once there was a king. His best friend was a commoner, a man who was the son of one of the royal housekeepers. They were of an age, and had grown up playing together in the palace gardens.

As they grew older, the king found himself more and more impressed with his friend’s ability to always ...

Did you hear the latest Microsoft Office update can cure depression?

It gives you an improved Outlook

The Poor Snake Named Nate

So... Nate the Snake was the king of the jungle, by virtue of his
immense size. Nate was the size of a freight train, and had a similar outlook on life. He ruled largely through terror and intimidation.


One day Nate the Snake was rumbling through the jungle, as was his own. Whenev...

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RE-RE-RE-REMIX - So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet...

*This is a parody because the original is posted almost daily*

So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, “Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?”

“Yup”

“What if you miss?”

He lo...

My friend died the other day because we couldn't remember his blood type.

He kept yelling at us "be positive!" so clearly he had a much better outlook than we all did.

A man died of blood loss on his way to the Hospital

The EMT was asked why, and he replied --

"I kept asking him for his blood type, but he just wasn't able to tell me. He was too out of it"

The Doctor sighed. "Well for our records and for the sake of the family did he have any last words? Did he suffer?"

"Well.." the nurse repli...

I business man decides to open a bar in small town in Texas...

It was quiet little town where lot of people were god fearing and church going folk.

His bar began construction on a new building on the same street as one of the town churches (one of twelve) to increase their business. The local Baptist church among other god fearing folk of course were sho...

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Bob had one hand and was depressed.....

Bob felt inadequate because he was missing a limb. He always felt incomplete and insignificant.

One day his friend, Fred, took him to a park and they noticed a person with no arms dancing around like crazy.

Fred shamed Bob regarding his outlook on life and said he should be more like t...

An Indian tribal chief

decided to call his local National Weather Service office to see what kind of winter was expected. The forecaster replied, "Well, it looks like it will be cold." So the chief gathered his tribe together and warned them that the winter would be cold, so they needed to start collecting fire wood.
<...

A Man With One Wish

There was once a man named Benny. Benny was old, tired, and most of all sad. He had no friends, no family, and worked the worst job. The only thing he ever looked forward to was seeing his beautiful neighbor on his way home from work, Jenny.

One day after coming home from work he say a stran...

A pessimist and an optimist

There once were twin boys, age six, that had developed extreme personalities. One was a pessimist and the other a total optimist. Concerned, their parents took them to a psychiatrist.

First, the psychiatrist treated the pessimist. Trying to brighten his outlook, the psychiatrist took him to a...

Men will be men

Confession of IT Support Engineer:

One day I was facing some issue with Outlook and I raised a ticket to get it resolved. I got a call from the Service Desk lady after some time and it went this way:

Lady: Hi I'm calling from service desk, what is the problem?

Me: (I explained t...

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I went to the doctor about my negativity and he diagnosed me with Optical Rectalitis, a condition that affects the nerve between my asshole and eyeballs...

It gives me a shitty outlook on life.

A man is having problems attracting women, but he's not sure why

**A man is having problems attracting women, but he's not sure why**. The man wonders if he might have a *mental sickness*, so he goes to the clinic to see *a specialist*. While he checks in at the counter, the receptionist warns him, "The specialist has a **thick accent**, but don't worry - *his ...

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Ollie and the pope

Everyday ollie would brag about how he knew everyone in the world to his boss. Until one day his boss got fed up and said "all right ollie you don't know tom cruise we're going to fly to holly wood knock on his door and see if he knows you!". So they flew out to Hollywood found tom cruises house and...

Perceptions vary

Following World War II, a general and his lieutenant boarded a British train. They sat across from an attractive young lady and her grandmother. As the train departed, it entered a long tunnel. Total darkness encompassed the train for approximately thirty seconds. In the darkness of those moments, t...

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