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Looking At Jokes

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Dear Women,When a guy calls you hot,he's looking at your body,When a guy calls you pretty,he's looking at your face, When a guy calls you Beautiful,he's looking at your heart

All 3 guys still want to fuck you,though

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A blonde walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her handbag, took a measurement and announced, "Twenty one...

I can cut down a tree just by looking at it

It's true, I saw it with my own eyes

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A statue of a man and a statue of a woman stood looking at each...

A statue of a man and a statue of a woman stood looking at each other for hundreds of years out in a park. One day a wizard, feeling sorry for the statues, brought them to life for 30 minutes. Right away, the two of them ran into some nearby bushes and you could hear all kinds of strange sounds from...

A business man sees a fisherman laying down on the shore, looking at the sky

- Hi, why aren't you fishing?
- Well, I caught the fishes we plan on eating
- But if you caught more, you could sell them.
- And then what?
- Then you could buy a motor for the boat to catch even more fish
- And then what?
- Then you can sell more fish, get more boats, and even mor...

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "surely I can't look that old.".

Well . . . you'll love this story..

from a lady called Claire

"My name is Claire..
I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.

I noticed his degree on the wall, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered a tall , handsome, dark...

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A doctor, while on rounds at the hospital, notices an intern looking at him strangely.

The intern says, "Doctor, you have a thermometer tucked behind your ear." The doctor pulled the thermometer from behind his ear, looked at it and exclaimed, "Damn it, some asshole's got my pencil!"

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Three men are standing outside a jewellery shop looking at an expensive ring in the display window

The first man says, "That ring is perfect for Karen. I just wish I could afford it."

The second man says, "I was planning on proposing to Julie soon. She'd love that ring."

The third man says, "Okay, I'll make you both a deal. Whichever one of you gets to the bottom of the street first...

As an American looking at the situation in Afghanistan

It's good to see that, even decades later, the freedom fighters we trained can still drive out a superpower.

An Englishman, Frenchman, and Russian are looking at a painting of Adam and Eve.

"They are so calm and contemplative. They would surely be English." The Englishman says.

"No," the Frenchman says, "they are naked and beautiful, they would be French."

"My friends," the Russian begins, "no clothes, no shelter, they are sharing an apple between two, they're being wat...

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A policeman is at the roadside, looking at passing cars.

Suddenly he sees one approaching. Without warning, he whistles, signals for it to stop,then pulls out his gun and fires a shot in the air.

At once, the car stops. The policeman approaches it. Inside, a snow-pale driver is sitting.

\- What... officer... what did I do? I could swear I've...

I can always tell if someone is lying just by looking at them.

I can also tell if they’re standing.

What do you call a hen looking at a lettuce?

A chicken caesar salad

Doctor [looking at my x-rays] : this is exactly what I was afraid of.

Me: What?

Doctor: Skeletons

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror.

Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she’d like to have for her birthday.

“I’d like to be six again”, she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme par...

Three new fathers, an Englishman, a Welshman and an Indian are looking at their newborn babies cribs in hospital.

All three babies are side by side and the fathers are congratulating each other on their new arrivals.

Just then, a nurse enters the room, looking quite flustered.
"I'm sorry" says the nurse " but we've lost the paperwork, and can't tell you whose baby is whose!"

The three fathers l...

I was just looking at my ceiling. Not sure if it’s the best ceiling in the world...

But it's definitely up there.

I’m a tour guide at a museum, and when I told a group that the fossil they were looking at was 65 million years and 3 weeks old, they asked me where the 3 weeks came from.

I said well it was 65 million years old when I was hired here, and that was 3 weeks ago.

Two blondes are sitting out looking at the night sky

"What's closer," said one blonde to the other "the moon or Florida?"

"The moon! Can you see Florida!?"

If a guy says you're hot, he's looking at your body. If he says you're pretty, he's looking at your face...

If he says you're fabulous, he's looking at your brother

An Australian, and Irishman and a Brit were sitting in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar. The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar. They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before when suddenly the Irishman cried out:

My God! I know who that man is - it's Jesus!" The others looked again, and sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.


The Irishman calls out across the lounge: "Hey! Hey you! Are you Jesus"? Jesus looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. "Yes, I am J...

A guy asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?" The girl replied with a loud voice: "NO! I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the students in the library started looking at the guy; he was pretty embarrassed. After a while the girl walked quietly over to the

guy's table and said: "I study psychology, I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?" The guy then responded with a loud voice: "$1000 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH!" All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy whispered "I guess you felt bad for wha...

It’s amazing how many animals you can see while looking at clouds in the sky…

I mean, 99% of them are just sheep without legs or heads, but it’s amazing isn’t it?!!

I tried looking at a penny under a microscope.

*...magnificent.*

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Why will you never catch a porn addict looking at you?

Because they always use a private window.

Statler and Waldorf were looking at a picture of your mom.

Statler said "Wow! I wish I could look like that!" Looking very perplexed, Waldorf said "You do!?" and Statler replied with "Yeah! It would save me the cost of a Halloween costume!" Then they both laughed out loud.

Dad is down at the auto dealership, looking at potential choices.

“Cargo space?” he asks.

The salesman, slightly confused, finally replies, “Car no do that... car go road.”

Dinner guest: Why is your dog looking at me like that?

Host: Don't worry, he just doesn't like you using his plate.

People often say “icy” is the easiest word to spell and looking at it now...

I see why

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One day, a red fruit loop looked at himself in the mirror and said, "I need to become an orange fruit loop."

It was a daunting task. But after working out for two hours a day, with five-gram weights, and getting a degree in economics, *wa-zaam!* he was an orange fruit loop. But he was still hungry.

Again Looking at himself in the mirror, he said, "I need to become a yellow fruit loop." It was a d...

Why didn’t the English teacher like looking at graphs?

Too much x-position

How can you tell what kind of eel you're looking at?

Well, if the moon hits it's eye like a big pizza pie, it's a moray.

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for a half hour.

Then a big trouble making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, & just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry." "No, it's not that," the ...

Did you know most reptiles can tell exactly what you weigh just by looking at you?

They have built in scales

Looking at my ceiling and ya know, I'm not saying it's the greatest ceiling in the world...

But it's up there.

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A married couple was on holiday in a remote part of the Arab country side. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with an Arabian accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop."

So the couple walked in and the shopkeeper says to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. They have special power. Dey make you wild at sex like a great desert camel." Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the shopkeeper claimed, but he...

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A roman soldier was looking at his shadow

"Oh shit, I'm late!"

Two blondes are looking at a flat tire.

One says to the other, how bad is it?
The other says, not bad it's only flat on the bottom.

I’ve recently started to feel aroused after looking at myself in the mirror.

I feel guilty about it sometimes but my friends say not be so hard on myself.

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I always use incognito mode when looking at porn and video game walkthroughs.

I don't want my wife to think I'm a cheater.

Why are guys always looking at girl guitar players?

They're checking out their G-Strings

If you're looking at this with your device in your hands or lap

I guess the jokes on you

A man dies and his three best friends, Matthew, Mark and James are looking at his body in the coffin.

Matthew says "He was such a good friend. I don't want him to go to his maker empty handed" and he throws $200 in cash into the coffin. Mark says he agrees and also throws in $200 in cash.

James says "You cheap-skates! I'm ashamed of you and I'm going to give him $1,000." He then writes out a ...

I was looking at my savings...

and realize that I've saved enough, and I don't have to work again for as long as I live. I'd be dying of hunger in 3 days, but I'd be free to enjoy what a like.

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