We squint at the sun because it's bright.

We squint at people because they're not

A man walks into an Indian restaurant.

The waiter asks, “have you ever ordered here before?”

The man replies, “No, I haven’t.”

The waiter continues, “We’re a little different here. Before you order, I need you read and sign this form,” and he hands a piece of paper to the man.

The man squints at the paper and reads t...

Three guys go in for a job interview.

The first guy goes in and kicks ass, best job interview he’s ever done in his life. End of the interview comes around, the interviewer says:

“By the way, do you notice anything strange about me?”

“Yeah,” says the guy… “You don’t have any EARS, man!”

“I’m sorry, says the intervie...

A string walks into a bar...

The bartender says, “I’m sorry, but we don’t serve strings here.”

The string goes back to his table. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. He walks back up to the bar and orders a beer.

The bartender squints at him and says, “Hey, aren’t you a string?”

The...

Did you know you can't squint while you are smiling?

You can but I just wanted to make you smile and wish you a good health.

A squint eyed person's father dies

He buries his uncle instead






PS: no offense

Did you know you can break your nose if you squint hard enough?

I did it on the bus today and some Asian guy punched me in the face!

The three guys at an interview joke just posted here reminded me of another version we used to tell about 20 years ago.. is it a repost? I don't know, probably yes, but does anyone really care ;) ?

Three guys interviewing to be a detective.

The final step is with the chief inspector who says, "Ahh, so you wanna be detectives, eh? The first skill you need is perception, let's see how you guys do with that"

He calls them into his office one by one.

The first guy goes in and ...

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A man walks into a bar and orders a Jack and Coke.

The bartender reaches behind the bar and grabs a dark red apple, and hands it to the customer.

Dumbfounded, he says “Hey man, what the hell is this? I asked for a Jack and coke!”

The bartender said “Just go a head and take a bite.”

So the man took a bite and his eyes widened “W...

A priest, a rabbi, and an engineer get caught by a barbaric tribe...

The tribe sentences all of them to death by beheading. The priest starts praying profusely as he stares up at the sharp bladed guillotine ready to end his life. His chants get stronger and frantic as the lever is finally pulled. Miraculously, the blade stops halfway and the tribe fearful of this man...

Robin Hood hands over stolen goods to the poor man

Man: Wow thank you robin hood, now i'm rich!

Robin: *squints* you're what?

Three men die together in an accident and are sent to hell...

Two of the men are quite tall and lean, and the other man is a very short, fat guy.

The devil welcomes them to hell. He tells the three men that they have a chance to redeem their souls and go to heaven. If one of them men can find something the devil can't catch, he will let all three asce...

Why do asians squint all the time?

Because nukes are so bright

Arthur is 75 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 15 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. “That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn’t see where it went.”

His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try.”

“That’s no good,” sighs Arthur, “your brother is 85. He can’t help.”

“He may be 85,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.”

So th...

So a baseball coach and an English teacher are watching a game in a bar.

The coach gets up to go to the bathroom. He comes back 10 minutes later and sits next to his friend. He squints at the TV and says, "Bases are loaded, but who's on first?"

The English teacher sighs and says, "I'm not getting into that tired old joke with you. And it's 'WHOM', not 'WHO'."
...

The Monkey in the Jungle gettin high

A lizard is walking in the jungle and sees a monkey high up in a tree smokin a joint. The lizard says 'AYYY!! Are you.. smokin up there??'

'Yeah bro, c'mon up here and smoke this with me' says the monkey.

So they pass it back and forth a bit and eventually the lizard says 'Oh man.. co...

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A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost.

It's been nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything besides what he could

forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees.

One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines

covering most of it and the man can't see any other buildings i...

An Irish Man Walks Into A Bar...

...and stumbles to the bartender. “Barkeep, Oi’ll have a point”, he slurs.

The bartender looks him over critically. “A pint? Sorry sir, but I can’t serve you. You’re clearly too drunk.”

The Irish man scrunches his eyebrows, peers at the barkeep, turns around and trips out the front doo...

An old "Dad Joke" from my collection that my son just retold tonight and nailed it. I've officially passed the torch.

A doctor is driving home along a lonely road when a rabbit suddenly bolted in front of his car. The doctor tried his best to stop, but it wasn't possible.

He immediately pulled the car to the side and got out to see if he could help the poor bunny. It didn't look good. He raced back to the ca...

A fairy appears in front of an old man.

"For the good things you've done in your life, I grant you three wishes!"

The old man squints and asks: "Can you speak up a bit? My hearing isn't the best anymore..."

The fairy replies: "SURE! YOU HAVE TWO WISHES!"

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Three children at a catholic school are learning the alphabet

"Hi, kids," says the priest. "Today we're going to learn about the letter S."

The priest holds up a white board with the letter S on it.

"How many sins can you name that begin with S?" asked the priest.

The children thought for a moment, then Johnny spoke up.

"Slavery!" ...

Billy Bob and Bubba are walking down a trail when they spot a human head under a bush...

"Lookit that, Bubba!" Billy Bob says. "Ain't that cousin Jeff?"

Bubba picks up the head, raises it to his eyes, squints, then shakes his head.

"Naw," he says. "Jeff was taller."

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The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a sight-seeing tour with a very rich African king who was a very important client.

The client, out of the blue, suddenly asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her, ...don't reject the guy outright.

So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her. After a few minut...

An old lady goes into a tattoo shop and says to the tattoo artist, "I want a tattoo of Elvis Presley on my inner thigh."

The artist agrees and says that he would be happy to do a portrait of Elvis for her.

He finishes up the tattoo and tells the old lady to check it out. She looks down and is furious. "This looks nothing like Elvis! I'm not paying for this!" she yells.

"Are you kidding me? That's th...

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Two men arrived at the pearly gates.

"Any words before you enter?" asked Jesus.



"Who are you?" asked the first man.



"What?" asked Jesus. "You mean--you don't know who I am? My name's Jesus. My face is everywhere, surely you know who I am!"



"No," said the first man. "I don't know who you are....

Two girls weent for a smoke

Did you hear about the two mormon girls who went to beach to smoke a cigarette away from the watchful eye of their parents? One had never smoked before, and was surprised to see her friend pull two cigarettes out of a condom, where she had them kept away. Her friend explained this was the best way t...

My grandfather died yesterday.

My father and I started cleaning out his apartment.

When we passed by his dresser we noticed some papers that fell between the dresser and the wall. One of the papers was an unclaimed dry cleaning ticket.

Looking at the ticket, we saw it was for a black suit that was b...

Arthur is 90 years old, and played golf every day since he went into retirement....

So one day Arthur, who is 90 years old, comes home to his 93 year old wife exasperated. "That was the last straw" he says, "I'm stopping with golf because my eyesight is so bad that whenever I hit the ball I have no idea where it lands, and I lose it!".

His wife makes him a cup of coffee. Whi...

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Trump and Pence go stop at a local diner for breakfast.

The waitress greets the two and says, "What will it be today?"

Pence looks up from the menu and says, "I'll have two eggs, bacon, rye, and a coffee. Thank you."

The waitress scribbles on her notepad and turns to Trump, "and for you, Mr. President?"

Trump smiles at the waitress a...

Was walking past a friendly coworker the other day when he stopped me and asked..

Friend: You see that dude over there? (he points to this guy obviously screwing sound)

Me: Yeah, what about him?

Friend: He's a mythical creature.

Me: (*Chuckling*) What are you talking about?

Friend: Just look closely. (I lean in and squint to get a better look) Don't yo...

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The Forest Incident

The animals of the forest are having a meeting. For months on end, there was one big party and the forest lookes like the end of spring break. Vomit everywhere, empty bottles and trash on every clearing.

They agreed that this can't go on and voted to go teatotal. The bear was elected sheriff...

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A guy sees a sign outside a bar that says "come in! We have a magic ashtray that will grant one wish if you buy a pint"

He walks in to a swanky piano lounge which, interestingly, had a dwarf playing the piano.

He buys a pint and the bartender tells him to hold the ashtray and make his wish.

He squints and makes his wish. Suddenly a million ducks start swarming out from behind the bar and begin to cause ...

A Russian diplomat was visiting Washington DC...

While there, he was invited to a large dinner celebration being held by members of the US government. As he entered the dining hall, he was taken aback by the decor. It was very impressive. Everyone was served fillet mignon. The plates forks and knives were real silver. A small band was playing clas...

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Russian Joke: A little girl goes up to her mother...

...and asks her,

"Mommy, why does everyone say my face looks like an ass?"

Her mother replies,

"Oh honey no, you're beautiful! Don't listen to them, just go talk to your father."

So the little girl finds her father and asks him,

"Papa, why does everyone say that ...

(Long) A thirsty man got himself lost in the desert...

and was searching for water. After countless hours searching and hoping, he came upon a well with a big opening.
He peered inside... squinted... but couldn't see a thing down there.
He looked around and found a small pebble and tossed it in. He then listened closely for any sign of a splash or...

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A priest walks into a bar...

...and finds a drunk arguing with the bartender because he doesn’t have money to pay for his next drink.

The priest feels a calling to intervene. “My son, I’ll buy that whiskey for you, but you have to be willing to hear me out.”

The drunk agrees and the priest orders a double.
...

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It's an old man's birthday

He's wandering around the nursing home in his birthday hat, blowing his noisemaker, laughing, and loving life.

He sees one of the other residents and walks into his room.

"Hey, Carl! Guess how old I am today!"

Grumpy old Carl doesn't even look up. "No. Go away."

"C'mon, y...

Boudreaux and Thibodeaux were out fishing one day when Thibodeaux started thinkin.

“Ay, Boudreaux, why come dem scuba divaahs alway fallin backwahds into da watah?” Boudreaux squinted at Thibodeaux and shook his head. “Cauz if dey fell fo-wad, Thibodeaux, dey’d still be in da boat.”

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[Long] Lori was assistant manager at the Sex Shoppe, and had been for a long time wondering, when do I get my shot at being Manager?

One day, her boss, the owner, said, “Lori, I have to go on a business trip for the weekend. You’re in charge. Let’s see how you handle it. You know the business well enough. Just remember, the new dildo line goes on sale Saturday. That’s $25 for the white dildos, and $50 for the black dildos.”
...

Old Lady: "Harold? What are you doing with my birth certificate at 3 in the morning?"

Old Man: "Oh, I'm just fawning over how beautiful your name is, darling."

Old Lady: "Harold! That is incredibly sweet of you!"

Old Man: "Well, what can I say? I'm incredibly lucky to have married the woman I love, and that she could have such a beautiful name as... uh..."

*squi...

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Lizard is walking through the forest...

and he comes up to a large tree along the path. He looks up in the tree and sees Koala sitting on a branch smoking a joint.

"Heyoo Koala, do you mind if I climb up and try some?" Lizard asks.

"Not at all Lizard, my dude, come on up!" Koala wheezed while exhaling a ripe puff.

Liz...

A salesman enters the porch and knocks on the farmhouse door...

... Little Timmy answers the door by sliding it slowly open, inspecting the salesman standing tall with his briefcase.

- hello there kiddo, may I speak to your father? The man asked little Timmy.

Timmy swiftly replies before cleaning his running nose with his sleeve. "sorry my dad got...

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The camel leg thief

Shaun is a tourist visiting a small town in the Arabian desert. He stops into a shop one day and when he's finished, he finds that his camel is missing its legs. Shocked, he approaches a bystander and asks if he saw who took his camel's legs. The bystander squints at him, looks at the camel, and say...

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A blonde woman goes appliance shopping...

... and upon arrival at the department store, she decides to take advantage of a sale that she sees. She calls over an employee and points to the marked-down price.

"I'd like to buy this television," she says, batting her eyelashes.

"I'm truly very sorry, miss," the employee tells her,...

Two men are walking their pets...

when one spots a bar. “Hey, I’m thirsty. Want to grab a beer or two?” one asks the other. “Sure!” the second man replied. But as they got closer, one saw a sign that said, “No Animals Allowed”.

“Damn it! No animals allowed!” one said. But then he had an idea.

The man walked up to the ...

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The talking clock

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet. "What's with that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked. "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock", the drunk replied. "A talking...

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The more you know...

It's high noon when a stranger rides into town. His ride is not a horse but an enormous bull, with horns that appear bloodstained. The stranger is a mountain of a man standing six foot eight inches tall, seven with hat on. He wore black leather from head to toe, with a pair of pistols on his belt...

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So these two guys get stranded in the desert...

So these two guys get stranded in the desert, their car is broken down, they are out of water and help is no where in sight... Except for a shack in the distance. So the two make their way to the shack and knock. An old, ugly, wrinkly, greasy woman answers the door. It smells like she hasn't showere...

A couple of Scottish lads were out one night and they pass a small sign for a comedy act.

One friend squints to read it and says, "come on, let's check this out"

The other friend turns to him and says, "Aye, don't go in. He's not funny."

"How d'ya know, have you seen him before?" asks the enquisitive friend.

"Probably." he says, pointing at the tiny sign, "Look, he's...

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A Black guy arrives at Heavens Gates...

The man is worried that due to his race, they might discriminate and not let him in. So when he walks up to the pearly gates he decides that at the very least, to better his chances to get in, he can change his name to that of a white person.

"Name?" asks St. Peter

The man searches for...

The police chief is interviewing applicants for a detective job.

The chief says to the three applicants "Alright, one of the most important things for a detective is to have good observational skills, so I'm going to give you all a little test. You'll each get a photo to examine for just five seconds, then you have to tell me what you notice about the subject's a...

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The Man and the Leprechaun

A man walks into a public restroom to relieve himself. The urinal is one of those long trench types without walls to separate people. The man unzips and assumes the position when in walks a very short red-bearded man wearing a green suit and green bowler hat with a clover in it. There was no mist...

One day a cowboy is riding in some tribal lands when he is captured by some natives...

He is thrown down on the ground before the chief, who looks at him with disgust and says, "These are our lands, for trespassing you must be sentenced to death. You can have one wish granted before we sacrifice you, what do you wish?"

The cowboy replies, "I'd like to speak with my horse."
<...

My girlfriend told me I was too childish.

The other day, I bought her a pair of walkie talkies.

She squinted her eyes at me and said, "Our relationship is over."

I squinted my eyes right back and told her, "Our relationship is what? Over."

Deer Hunter

A hunter was stalking a deer on the ridge across from him when he noticed the deer was somewhat wobbly and seemed to be squinting. Looking carefully through his rifle scope, he soon realized that the big buck was standing in the middle of a patch of marijuana, happily chewing away. Taking careful ...

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Two Good Ol' Boys

Two good ol’ boys in a Kentucky trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off work at the local Ford plant.

After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, “If’n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off ...

3 guys are lost in the jungle, they are soon discovered by a tribe of cannibals and are taken back to their village...

...the chief gives them a task to avoid death. "Go into the jungle and pick 10 of the first fruit you find." The first man finds plums and brings back 10. The chief speaks, "You need to shove all 10 into your back exit without making a facial expression or you will be eaten alive." The man shoves on...

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A man with a nervous facial twitch is auditioning for a part in a play

Every few seconds his cheek spasms and one eye squints.

The director of the play says "How do you expect me to give you a part if you keep doing that?"

The man replies "I actually have a medication for it, please wait one moment while I take it." He reaches into his right pocket and pu...

Choochie Green was a hooker in a little town,

One Sunday morning she's decides to go to church. She gets all dressed up, in her finest mini skirt and top. She arrives early to ensure a seat up close. While the rest of the congregation files in, the priest notices her. He leans over to the alter boy and ask "Is that Choochie Green?" The boy squi...

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right by the beach ... [long] [slightly nsfw]

So I'm at the beach with my buddy, on Vancouver Island. We're just sitting on the rocks smoking some joints, meanwhile down on the sand there's girls in bikinis laying on their towels getting some sun. We see this guy walking along the beach talking to the girls.

He's wearing a big colorfu...

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One my Dad used to tell, not sure if it's well known.

A local bum, for the laugh, wanders into a catholic church during mass one day, shouting "I'm Jesus Christ! I'm Jesus Christ!" The priest tells the altar boys to give him a fiver, get rid of him.

The bum thinks 'this is fantastic, off to the church of Ireland next!' Once again, he staggers i...

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A guy asks his girlfriend

A guy asks his girlfriend after their first night together:
"So... how many guys have you been with before me?"
The girl falls silent and squints at the ceiling.
"What? Did... I... Oh God. I never meant to..."
The girl doesn't react.
"Dammit. Come on... that was really inconsiderate o...

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A woman, blinded in an accident, has surgery to regain her sight...

Afterwards the doctor tells her to remove the bandages from her eyes. As she’s doing that, he pulls out his penis. She drops the bandages into the waste bin and blinks her eyes as the doctor pops his hips and proudly displays his erection. “So,” says the doctor, “what do you think?”

“Well,” ...

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The long-distance eyesight competition

A world championship eyesight competition is taking place in Japan. After several days, the 3 final runner-ups have to prove to the world, the audience and the judges who has the world's best long-distance eyesight.

The first guy steps up into the podium. He looks toward the West and squints ...

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A man is on his way into a bar when he spots a nun standing outside looking very confused...

The nun keeps looking up at the sign and trying to peer in through the windows. The man walks up and asks, "Is everything ok, sister? May I help you?"

Puzzled, the nun replies, "I was just trying to figure out... What is this place? What's a 'bar'?"

The man chuckles and says, "You'v...

Sherlock Holmes and his trusty associate Dr. John Watson are strolling leisurely through London's botanical gardens. (OC)

They are investigating the mysterious disappearance of a botanist who specialized in arboreal citrus.

Watson squints, focusing his gaze on something across the gardens. He gasps in surprise and grabs Sherlock's arm. He points at the thing that has captivated his attention and asks "Sherlock, ...

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The Watchmaker

The Boy was due to meet his friends down the third alley from the green sign. The bar at the end of that alley, they had said, was a place where spirits and souls mixed together with the languid flow of warm summer air.

But The Boy had started drinking when the sun was still ascending, and n...

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A blonde, a brunette and a redhead walked into an elevator.

There was an awkward silence until the brunette spotted what looked to be cum on the wall opposite her. She squinted at it, trying to be sure, when the redhead noticed and asked:

"Are you ok..?"

"I swear that looks like cum on the wall.." said the brunette, before she walked over to it...

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A man promises his wife to quit drinking...

...but that night he let's his buddy talk him into going to happy hour. He ends up getting so drunk he vomits all over himself. Suddenly overcome with guilt, he starts crying to his buddy. "What am I gonna do? I'm busted for sure."

But his friend has an idea. "Let me see your wallet.". T...

The Kuala and the Lizard

So this Koala is sitting in a tree smoking a spliff. Small lizard walks by and ask the Koala what he's doing. Koala says "Having a spliff man, come up and have a few puffs..."

So up the lizard goes, but after a few drags he's thirsty. Koala says "No problem little dude, just little bit down t...

Pearly Gates Duty

It was time for St Peter's annual three-week vacation, and Jesus volunteered to fill in for him at the Pearly Gates.

"It's no big deal," St Peter explained. "Just sit at the registration desk, and ask each person a little about his or her life. Then, send them to housekeeping to pick up their...

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Three buddies from high school take a trip to Mexico...

Each of the men has spent their lives productively, and are each at the top of their respective fields, and they've kept in touch over the years. They decide that, to celebrate their twentieth high school graduation anniversary, they're going to go down to Mexico City together and generally live it ...

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Tiny Blue Dot

A rich kid is taking his newly acquired vintage Ferrari out for a spin. He starts putting the pedal down as he gets out into the rural areas, just having a blast. His fuel starts running a bit low so he pulls into an old gas station. An older fellow wearing faded jeans and a blue shirt with the g...

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A woman hasnt had sex in a long time (LONG)

A woman, named Ethel and in her 30's, is out with her girlfriends at a bar. Eventually, talk turns to sex and there are some laughs and sly whispers. Except Ethel starts silently crying.

Her girlfriends ask what is wrong.

"I haven't had sex in more than three years!", Ethel sobs.
...

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What you got there!? (Sorry probably horrible editing, from phone)

A young boy is walking down the street carrying chicken wire, there's an old man sitting in his porch watching him. "Hey, boy, what you got there?"

"chicken wire". Replys the boy.

"What you gunna do with that chicken wire?" Asks the old man.

"Catch me some chickens."

"Yo...

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Ed and Bob had just landed the biggest sale in their firm's history.

Ed and Bob had just landed the biggest sale in their firm's history. Ed knew he had to hurry home to his pushy wife Mary, but Bob persuaded him to have a drink or two at a nearby tavern. Being a lightweight, Ed vomited all over his shirt and tie after only a few.

"Aww man, Mary is going to k...

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