UPJOKE

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed like an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed..... in short, driving his partner nuts.

Finally, his exasperated partner says, "What the hell is taking so long? Hit the damm ball!"

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

His partner yells back, "Give me a break! You don't stand a chance of hitting her fr...

After the car crash that left me brain-damaged, things were really looking down

I used to be a carcinologist that specialised in lobsters. I loved what I did, but I couldn't even get out of the house on my own after the accident, much less go to work. I fell into a deep depression.


My scientist friends wanted to cheer me up, and so they engineered a robot lobster tha...

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While a Teacher was educating her class on how to recognize con artists she noticed one of her students looking down

She pauses her lecture and walks next to the desk of the gloomy child.

"Dear what seems to be the problem?" She asks

The student looks up and says "my mother is in the hospital and my dad is in the police station"

"Oh dear god, you should be at home instead of school! Here I'll ...

[Juliet looking down from balcony]

"It’s over Romeo, I have the high ground"

St. Peter was looking down at Earth one Sunday and saw a Baptist minister playing golf

After a bit of investigating, he found the man had asked his lay clergy to conduct that day's service so he could take advantage of good weather. Incensed, St. Peter goes to God to complain.

"Lord, can you believe this? A man who preaches your Word, neglecting his sacred duty so he can golf....

I’m writing a rock song about a guy out at sea, looking down at another guy’s smaller yacht.

I’m going to call it “smirk on the water”.

The only thing worse than biting into an apple, looking down and seeing a worm in it...

is biting into an apple, looking down and seeing half a worm in it.

I'm sure wherever my dad is; he's looking down on us

He's not dead, just very condescending

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Nothing worse than, after sex, looking down and seeing that limp used Condom hanging off your dick...

Particularly when you weren't wearing one when you started.

So the other day I was looking down at my leg...

So the other day I was looking down at my leg and saw something funny, so I decided to get rid of it, it was a rash judgement.

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A scottsman walks into a pub, looking down in the dumps.

The bartender looks up to see the miserable chap and asks him about his woes.

"Wanna know what's fucked up?" The man says with a sigh, "If you build three houses for the community, do people go 'oh, there goes McDonough: the homebuilder?' No, never. If you save five wee lads and lasses from a...

As the kidnapper trotted towards the dark woods hands firmly grasped on a small sweaty palm he felt a reluctance, looking down he saw the boy trembling.

"What's wrong buddy?" He asked genially


"I'm scared" said the boy fighting back tears


"You think you are scared?.. i have to walk out of these woods alone."

I got caught looking down a girl's top. I was so embarrassed.

I almost slipped off the toilet seat.

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In an old folks home, Gladys notices that Arthur's been looking down lately

She walks over and asks him what's wrong. Arthur tells her "Lately I've been feeling especially lonely at night. Before she passed away, my wife would sleep next to me and hold my willy to help me feel safe and loved".

Gladys thinks about it and decides that there's no harm in offering to sle...

A man is sitting at the bar looking down and out. Bartender says “what’s wrong with you?” Guy says “life feels like a joke”

And in walks a priest a rabbi, and a monk.

I saw a man sitting on a curb looking down on his luck so I gave him a dollar

he gave it back and said " I'm not homeless, I'm married "

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Peter and his grandfather are looking down at their town...

And Peter points to this cluster of houses. "You see those houses, grandpa? I built those. But do people call me Peter the House Builder? No..."

Then he points to the church in the middle of town. "And that church. I built that. And do people call me Peter the Church Builder? No..."

Th...

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so a man hires a hitman to kill his wife who is cheating...

So a man hires a hitman to kill his cheating wife and the man she's cheating with. The Hitman charges 10,000 per bullet. The man asks the Hitman to blow off the woman's head, and the guy's dick. The Hitman says ok, and they go up on the roof of the building adjacent to the hotel the wife is in. The ...

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident.

He became very depressed because he had loved to play guitar and do a lot of things that took two arms.

One day he had had it. He decided to commit suicide and went to the top of a building to jump off.

He was standing on the ledge looking down when he saw a man skipping along, whistli...

I don't like going to the barber's shop anymore!

He is always looking down on me.

Amazed

One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism.
Touched by this unusual display and the deep emo...

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