Being kissed while sleeping is the most beautiful expression of love.

Unless you're in jail.

You've heard the expression 'tit for tat'?

Well I've got more than enough [tat](https://dictionary.cambridge.org/amp/english/tat). Anyone know where to go to trade it in for my reward?

^Edit: ^was ^not ^aware ^'tat' ^was ^a ^British ^term, ^sorry ^America

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A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are all friends

Naturally, their mothers are blonde, brunette, and redheaded as well, and the ladies are chatting while their teenage daughters are hanging out in the other room.

The brunette says with a devilish grin, "Hey, let's look through the girls' purses and see what they're hiding from us." She...

Wife is tired of me using trite, meaningless expressions and overusing contractions. Oh well...

It's what it's.

Every day as i walk to the bus stop I speak with a 93 year old man with alzheimers who sits on his rocking chair looking over his yard with a concerned expression.

He musters his strength and calls out to me "hey.. have y-you seen m-my wife?" And every day i have to tell him "I'm so sorry.. your wife has passed away 10 years ago". Ive considered not telling him but my mornings always feel better after I see the look of sheer joy on his face.

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A guy's wife faints one day, so he takes her to the hospital. After a full day of tests on the wife, the doctor approaches the husband wearing a grave expression. He says: "I'm afraid I have some bad news. We know that it's either AIDS or Alzheimer's."

The husband breaks down, and says "Oh my god, what do I do? What do I do?"

The doctor replies: "This is exactly what you need to do: Drive her home with you now, but drop her a couple of blocks from the house. If she finds her way home *don't fuck her*."

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Three men get lost in the woods...

As they search for a path out together they accidentally stumble into the part of the woods ruled by fairies. The fairy King is not impressed with intruders and orders them executed. They beg for their lives and the King decides they shall complete a two part challenge to be shown the way out.
<...

After earning his DDS; a dentist went and opened up his own practice.

He became widely known for his amazing skills, and was highly praised + recommended by every patient he ever had. One year; he was nominated for (and won) a prestigious medical award. Inscribed upon its ornate surface was his name and the specific honor: “Global Recognition of Outstanding Surgical S...

Well, we can’t use the expression ‘avoid it like the plague’ anymore.....

Coz apparently humans do not do that.

A business owner posted an ad on classifieds looking for logo designers...

The ad said: "Looking for a talented youth that can design an attractive logo. As I am a small business owner, the work is unpaid. You will be working for exposure."

A recently graduated graphic designer reads this ad. As he was unemployed and struggling to find a job, he thought that he woul...

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An inventor, Liam, builds a humanoid lie detector robot that can slap you if you lie. As with all his inventions, his family will be the first round of test subjects.

At dinner, the inventor asks his son Jimmy about his day.

"I was at Scotts, we were studying for mid-terms."

The robot suddenly springs to life, slapping the son hard upside the head.

"Ow, what the fucking shit?" Jimmy exclaims angrily.

Liam looks at his son with a bemu...

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop. She confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it..???

Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed:
He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the Meat each week, came into the shop and said. "I'll be 16 tomorrow."
"I know." Said the Butcher with a smi...

Mexican Custodian

A Mexican custodian finishes mopping the lobby floor. A young girl enters the lobby with her eyes glued to her smartphone.

"Miss," the Mexican custodian says, "the floor is wet."

The girl looks up from her phone with a bored expression. "K," she replies.

"Miss," the Mexican cu...

Bought Some Boots

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas. Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, ' notice anything different about me'? Margaret looked him over. ...

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A semi-long joke. (Trying to be original.)

A horse walks into a Zaxby's, looking to quench its thirst, and trots up to the counter.

"I'd like a large diet coke please." Requests the horse politely.

The cashier looks bewildered but doesn't respond.

Thinking he wasn't heard, or perhaps the cashier was distracted, the horse...

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A morbidly obese man

visits his doctor.

“Doc,” he says, “I can’t stand being this fat anymore. Please help.”

“Alright, let’s get to work”, replies the doctor. After many months of diet and exercise, the man winds up loosing hundreds of pounds. An unfortunate side effect though is that he has all this loos...

Did you hear about the woman who went down on the dude with a painted face who only used his hands and facial expressions to communicate?

It was mime-blowing

My friend Jack …

… woke up on January 1st 2021, glanced over at his wife Edna and was suprised to see that she looked weirdly pixelated.


“Oh my god!” he yelped with a look of confusion and growing concern on his face, “What happened last night?!”


Seeing his expression, Edna reached over to ...

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A husband and wife are looking to spice up their sex life

The husband comes home one day with a shopping bag from a costume shop. "I've got a surprise for you. I thought we could try a little role-playing tonight. I'll call you into the bedroom after I've changed."

The wife becomes excited as she waits to be summoned to an erotic night of love-makin...

Jesus is sitting in heaven looking glum, when St Paul says

"You've been down lately, come join me for yoga this afternoon, it'll improve your energy levels and perk you right up, Lord"



Jesus looks up, his expression remaining grim



"I'll pass, I've had bad experiences with Pilates"

Click for a dumb blonde joke...

A town decides to host the biggest convention in history: a blonde convention.

Blondes from all over the world came to this event to meet some fellow blondes.

The plan was to prove for once and for all that the stereotype of blondes being dumb was a lie. So a big stage was set up in th...

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A guy dies and suddenly finds himself in Hell...

He trepidatiously follows the crowd towards the Gates of Hell. He finds a demon holding a piece of cardboard with his name on it.

"Craig?," asks the demon as the man approaches.

"Y... yes," answers Craig, unsure of how to handle the situation.

"Hi. I'm Ed. I know what you're thi...

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The best joke I’ve ever heard which never fails to make me smile whenever I remember it.(NSFW)

Three explorers get lost in a huge jungle. After wandering around for days, they are found and captured by a jungle tribe. The tribesmen take the explorers to their leader and drop them at his feet. The chieftain looks at them for a moment and says, “ The three of you will die unless you manage to d...

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I participated in a joke writing competition on this sub three years ago.

The mods laid out 4 simple rules quite clearly:

1. For the following two days, all posts on this sub would be considered as entries for the competition.

2. The post with the most upvotes would be declared as the winner, i.e., the best joke. The number of upvotes until the end o...

The receptionist got a bit shocked when a nun comes running out at full speed, with an expression that could only be described as pure horror.

Receptionist: What in gods name happened to her? The receptionist asked the doctor.

Doctor: Well, I told her she was pregnant.

Receptionist: Pregnant? A nun? Was she really?

Doctor: Of course not, but atleast I managed to cure her hiccups...

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she’d like to have for her birthday.

“I’d like to be six again”, she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park – the Death Slide, Wall of Fear, Screamin...

A business man got on an elevator in a building.

When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, “T-G-I-F” (letters only).
He smiled at her and replied, “S-H-I-T” (letters only).”
She looked at him, puzzled, and said, “T-G-I-F” again.
He acknowledged her remark again by answering, “S-H-I-T.”<...

Write the expression for the volume of a thick pizza with height "a" and radius "z".

*pi * z * z * a*

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A wife was making breakfast for her husband when he ran into the kitchen with an alarmed expression

"TURN 'EM EGGS!! TURN'EM BEFORE THEY BURN!!!".

"GOOD LORD, WE ARE GOING TO NEED MORE BUTTER!!! GET IT! GET IT!!! DAMN THEY ARE GOING TO STICK!!!"

The wife looked at him with a puzzled expression and continued.

"HOLY SHIT! NOT SO MUCH SALT AND PEPPER!!! JUST A BIT!! YOU WILL RUIN...

A director wanted to make a movie about Batman, but sadly D.C. wouldn't allow him to film it.

He decided he would just make the movie anyway, but instead of using the character's real names he would take away the last letter of their names.

Batman became Batma and he fought crime with his trusty partners Alfre and Robi. The film then showed the dynamic duo and their butler fighting cr...

Translated joke - working?

What do Jesus and Casanova have in common?

Their face expression getting nailed

Little Johnny walked into the kitchen and saw his mother making a cake

“I’ll be playing in my room for the next two hours. I sure would like a piece of cake when you’re finished.” He said to his mother.

After about two hours, the cake had finally cooled off, and him mom brought a piece of cake to Johnny’s room. Upon seeing the piece of cake, the young boy exclai...

“Going down the rabbit hole” is an expression meaning to enter into a strange or complicated situation,

And also to a person exploring their new furry kink.

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A Florida man dies and goes to a waiting area for his final destination.

As he awaits, he spots his best friend within the crowd and cannot believe it. He approaches his buddy and starts a conversation

“Cooch, is that you buddy? Holy shit! It is you! What are you doing here?”

“Hey Willie” says the man with barely any expression on his face.

“What ar...

A rabbit says to a fox, "I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes"

"Come on, you know that's impossible! No one will publish such rubbish." says the fox

"Well, follow me and I'll show you." They both go into the rabbit's dwelling and after a while, the rabbit emerges with a satisfied expression on his face.

Then comes a wolf. "Hello, what are we doin...

Why does everyone use the expression “When Pigs Fly?”

I don’t get it... Hercules rode on his Pigasus YEARS ago!

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I never understood the expression "for shits and giggles"

Until my girlfriend tickled me when I had the stomach flu

[NSFW] A man leaving his apartment building runs into his female neighbor on the elevator.

"Good morning, what are you up to today?" he asks.

She replies, "I'm going down to give blood."


"How much do you get paid for giving blood?" he asks.


"About $20 a pint." she says.


"Hmm ...," the man, says. "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pa...

Genghis Khan stumbles across a great palace in Northern China

It was a magnificent golden palace, with beautiful ornaments covering every surface as it towered over the surrounding landscape with its size. The steps leading up to the front entrance were crafted from the finest marble, the pillars holding up the ceiling sculpted with the rarest jade. It was tru...

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A man is shopping at an adult video store when the cashier tells him, "If you're looking for something extra, check out the room in the back..."

Curious, the man heads to the back of the store and finds a long hallway lined with gloryholes. As soon as he walks in, he hears seductive coos and beckoning comments from behind each wall. Peering into some of the holes, he is surprised to see gorgeous women from all around the world waiting on the...

A solider had recently found out that he had cancer, and the diagnosis was making him feel miserable and struggle to carry out his duties. After failing to polish his boots properly, the drill sergeant called him forwards.

“Why haven’t you polished your boots properly?” He yelled. “What’s wrong with you? Can you make your kit presentable or not?”

“Cancer”, the soldier replied sadly.

“Good!”, the sergeant shouted, much to the soldiers surprise, before marching off.

The next day, the soldier was cal...

A dog wanted a loan for a new doghouse.

He picked up a valuable knick knack that he had sitting around and headed to the bank. Once there, he said that he wanted a loan, and was using the knick knack as collateral

The teller, named Patty Whack, looked at the knick knack and said that it wasn't valuable enough for the amount he wan...

There is a trend in psychotherapy called Anger Expression therapy where the patient is to express any anger immediately no matter how small or trivial.

Its all the rage.

I took a pencil and stenciled in angry expressions on faces of George on my dollar bills.

So now I have mad cash.

Like pulling teeth

I had a wisdom tooth going bad and the dentist told me it wouldn't be worth filling the cavity and she just sent me to an oral surgeon to get the tooth pulled.

So I get there and I'm in the chair and I tell the guy "I've never had a tooth pulled." He was pretty seriously bothered that I used ...

A ship is ambushed in the open ocean.

After a couple hours of combat, the crew is overwhelmed and pirates come aboard. They proceed to line up the captured men and one by one ask who they think the best sailor is on their vessel. The majority of men say that the lookout Seamus has the most experience under his belt. Hearing this the pir...

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A gambler gets a notice from the IRS that he is being audited.

The gambler calls his tax attorney and they go to see the IRS agent. As they are waiting in the office, the IRS agent looks over his paperwork and says: “The reason for your lifestyle is that you have a relatively lavish lifestyle but not much income to justify it, can you tell me what you do for a ...

In 1991, a country banned expressions of surrender, acceptance, or agreement.

That marked the fall of the "So be it" Union.

Three men ascend to heaven and they meet St Peter at the pearly gates.



St. Peter makes it clear to the men that they can only come in if they’ve never drunk, never smoked and never been unfaithful to their wife. The first man steps up and says: “Hiya Pete, I’ve never smoked, never drunk and never been unfaithful to my wife.”

The first man gets the nod o...

A chemist walks into a pharmacy...

With a pained expression the chemist asks the pharmacist for some acetylsalicylic acid.

The pharmacist looks confused as he asks, "You mean aspirin?"

The chemist, still in pain replies with exasperation, "Yes! I can never remember that word." (Credit to Mr. Wilgus, my high school chemi...

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This little old Jewish grandma took her precious grandson Michael to the beach. A a giant wave rolled up and washed little Michael into the sea.

Grandma falls to her knees, clasps her hands and looks up to the heavens and screams to God, "Lord, bring back my grandson and I'll be the best person in the world. I'll sell my stocks and give the money to the poor, I'll never say an angry word again. I will keep the Sabbath and pay all my employee...

What kind of expression does a person who fell asleep by the ocean have?

Resting beach face

Today, I was thinking about the expression 'revenge is a dish best served cold'.

Then I considered 'revenge is sweet'. I've come to the conclusion that revenge is ice cream.

I asked a pretty, young, homeless girl if I could take her home. She smiled and said yes.

Her expression changed, however when I walked away with her cardboard box.

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What expression would be the worst if taken literally?

Shit a brick.

What expression is considered a compliment for Americans but an argument for Muslims?

"You the bomb!"

"No, you the bomb!"

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon.

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."


And then fi...

The lion, king of the jungle, was very bored.

The lion, king of the jungle, was very bored. He gathered all the animals of his kingdom and said:

"Each one of you must tell a joke. The joke must be funny enough to make everybody else laugh. Otherwise, I'll kill the one who told the joke."

The monkey was the first animal who had to ...

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