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Expression Jokes

I love the expression 'As American as apple pie'

Because there isn't anything more American then copying other cultures and pretend its American

What do you get when you cross a zoophile, a necrophiliac, and an idiomatic expression?

Someone who should *really* stop beating that dead horse.

A man is waiting anxiously outside the Labour ward. The doctor comes out with a grim expression and hands him a baby, saying “I’m sorry, but your wife didn’t make it.”

The man hands the baby back and says “well, bring me the one my wife made.”

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"This term," said the English teacher, "we will be studying 'The Canterbury Tales' "

"But," she added, "to anticipate a question I get every year -- this will not include *The Nun's Priest's Tale*"

"Why not?" asked one of the pupils. The teacher's features shaped themselves into an expression of sour disapproval.

"Because," she answered, "*The Nun's Priest's Tale* is l...

“Why the sudden terrified expression?”

“I just realized I left my girlfriend hanging last night, she’s gonna kill me.”

“She’s that irate over a text message?”

“No, she’s a ropebunny.”

I never understood the expression "free.99"...

...it makes no cents

A man leaving his apartment building runs into his female neighbor on the elevator.

"Good morning, what are you up to today?" he asks.


She replies, "I'm going down to give blood."


"How much do you get paid for giving blood?" he asks.


"About $20 a pint." she says.


"Hmm ...," the man, says. "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the spe...

Why does Florida have so many Conservatives and California have so many earthquakes?

California had first choice!

**just a joke, I respect your right to your opinion and free expression **

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A wife was making breakfast for her husband when he ran into the kitchen with an alarmed expression

"TURN 'EM EGGS!! TURN'EM BEFORE THEY BURN!!!".

"GOOD LORD, WE ARE GOING TO NEED MORE BUTTER!!! GET IT! GET IT!!! DAMN THEY ARE GOING TO STICK!!!"

The wife looked at him with a puzzled expression and continued.

"HOLY SHIT! NOT SO MUCH SALT AND PEPPER!!! JUST A BIT!! YOU WILL RUIN...

Well, we can’t use the expression ‘avoid it like the plague’ anymore.....

Coz apparently humans do not do that.

So a naked woman walks into a bar and asks for a beer...

The bartender stares at her body from head to toe then serves her a beer. She drinks it and asks for another beer. The bartender stares at her for longer and serves her a second beer. The woman again drinks it and asks for a third beer.

Then the bartender starts to look at her with an amused ...

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An anti-semite goes to a bar

An anti-semite is drinking in a bar. He notices a Jew sitting at a table nearby and doesn't like it.
"Bartender!" he says, nodding at the Jew, "A round of the good stuff for everyone except him!"
Everyone happily receives a glass of premium scotch.
The [anti-semite!](http://www.afterfeed.co...

Why does everyone use the expression “When Pigs Fly?”

I don’t get it... Hercules rode on his Pigasus YEARS ago!

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I never understood the expression "for shits and giggles"

Until my girlfriend tickled me when I had the stomach flu

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The best joke I’ve ever heard which never fails to make me smile whenever I remember it.(NSFW)

Three explorers get lost in a huge jungle. After wandering around for days, they are found and captured by a jungle tribe. The tribesmen take the explorers to their leader and drop them at his feet. The chieftain looks at them for a moment and says, “ The three of you will die unless you manage to d...

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A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are all friends

Naturally, their mothers are blonde, brunette, and redheaded as well, and the ladies are chatting while their teenage daughters are hanging out in the other room.

The brunette says with a devilish grin, "Hey, let's look through the girls' purses and see what they're hiding from us." She...

Every day as i walk to the bus stop I speak with a 93 year old man with alzheimers who sits on his rocking chair looking over his yard with a concerned expression.

He musters his strength and calls out to me "hey.. have y-you seen m-my wife?" And every day i have to tell him "I'm so sorry.. your wife has passed away 10 years ago". Ive considered not telling him but my mornings always feel better after I see the look of sheer joy on his face.

Write the expression for the volume of a thick pizza with height "a" and radius "z".

*pi * z * z * a*

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What expression would be the worst if taken literally?

Shit a brick.

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The naked runner

A couple of lovers were in the midst of action in bed when suddenly they heard a noise at the door. The woman panicked and said to her lover, 'My husband, my husband is here! Jump out of the window!'

Without thinking twice, the lover jumped naked out of the window and landed in some bushes. H...

If the expression 'you're what you eat' is true...

then cannibals are the only real humans!

The receptionist got a bit shocked when a nun comes running out at full speed, with an expression that could only be described as pure horror.

Receptionist: What in gods name happened to her? The receptionist asked the doctor.

Doctor: Well, I told her she was pregnant.

Receptionist: Pregnant? A nun? Was she really?

Doctor: Of course not, but atleast I managed to cure her hiccups...

What kind of expression does a person who fell asleep by the ocean have?

Resting beach face

Wife is tired of me using trite, meaningless expressions and overusing contractions. Oh well...

It's what it's.

There is a trend in psychotherapy called Anger Expression therapy where the patient is to express any anger immediately no matter how small or trivial.

Its all the rage.

What expression is considered a compliment for Americans but an argument for Muslims?

"You the bomb!"

"No, you the bomb!"

Today, I was thinking about the expression 'revenge is a dish best served cold'.

Then I considered 'revenge is sweet'. I've come to the conclusion that revenge is ice cream.

First man: what is the most commonly used French expression?

Second man: uhh... I give up

A cat walks into a bar...

A cat walks into a bar and sees an empty counter. He saunters up to the bartender and asks for a shot of whiskey.

The bartender looks at the cat and says, "Rough day, huh? Maybe you should try chasing a laser pointer. That always seems to cheer me up."

The cat glances at the bartender ...

A lawyer is at an airport and starts feeling really bored while waiting for his flight. He notices that he’s sitting next to a blonde woman.

She’s reading a book. He assumes that the woman is an idiot because she’s a blonde.

“Hey, I want to play a game. I’ll ask you a question, and then you ask me a question, and we’ll see who answers the most right.”

“Thanks but no thanks, I’m trying read this book.”

“How about this...

In 1991, a country banned expressions of surrender, acceptance, or agreement.

That marked the fall of the "So be it" Union.

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror.

Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she’d like to have for her birthday.

“I’d like to be six again”, she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme par...

Two generations from now your grandkids might scrutinize this era and ask "really, grandpa? you really did that to the environment? Didn't you even recycle anything, come on???

Then with a grim expression on your face you scowl

"Fool, I was on reddit! I recycled everything at least 3000 times"

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In the early days of pioneer life, a compass was essential. One of the more common varieties was called the "Tates" compass.

Unfortunately it was a very low quality compass. From which comes the expression: He who has a "Tates," is lost.

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop...

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it?

Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 18.
<...

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A guy's wife faints one day, so he takes her to the hospital. After a full day of tests on the wife, the doctor approaches the husband wearing a grave expression. He says: "I'm afraid I have some bad news. We know that it's either AIDS or Alzheimer's."

The husband breaks down, and says "Oh my god, what do I do? What do I do?"

The doctor replies: "This is exactly what you need to do: Drive her home with you now, but drop her a couple of blocks from the house. If she finds her way home *don't fuck her*."

"My bad" I said, as I patted on my friends back.

He looked at me with a shocked and terrified expression.

Apparently 'my bad' and 'I'm sorry' don't mean the same thing at funerals.

A lawyer gets diagnosed with a terminal Illness.

On his deathbed, he asks for a Bible. The hospital staff thinks he has become religious now that his end is near. The doctor notices him going through every line carefully with a grave expression, so he asks, "what are you doing?". The lawyer looks up and replies dryly, "looking for a loophole."

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My blonde girlfriend froze

In the middle of love making so I gave her an interrogative facial expression. " oh..I saw this on youporn" she said," they call it bufferring".

A mondegreen courtesy of a four year old

I was listening to pop, folk and soft rock music from the 60s and 70s the other day, artists like Cat Stevens, Simon and Garfunkel, and the Doobie Brothers. My granddaughter came in the room, climbed up on the bed, and cuddled up next to me.

She was listening very intently to the lyrics of on...

I asked a pretty, young, homeless girl if I could take her home. She smiled and said yes.

Her expression changed, however when I walked away with her cardboard box.

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