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The best joke I’ve ever heard which never fails to make me smile whenever I remember it.(NSFW)

Three explorers get lost in a huge jungle. After wandering around for days, they are found and captured by a jungle tribe. The tribesmen take the explorers to their leader and drop them at his feet. The chieftain looks at them for a moment and says, “ The three of you will die unless you manage to d...

I asked a pretty, young, homeless girl if I could take her home. She smiled and said yes.

Her expression changed, however when I walked away with her cardboard box.

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A gambler gets a notice from the IRS that he is being audited.

The gambler calls his tax attorney and they go to see the IRS agent. As they are waiting in the office, the IRS agent looks over his paperwork and says:
“The reason for your lifestyle is that you have a relatively lavish lifestyle but not much income to justify it, can you tell me what you do for...

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A sixth grade boy named Timmy was in charge of taking his little brother to school..

A sixth grade boy named Timmy was in charge of taking his little brother to school for the first day of kindergarten. As Timmy got on the school bus, the bus driver stopped Timmy and said, "Timmy, who's that?" while pointing at his little brother.

"That's my little brother," said Timmy qui...

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A woman calls her husband in panic...

"Honey, my lips are swollen. I think I may have an allergic reaction!"

Her husband drives home as fast as he can to bring her to the hospital, but when he gets home he sees nothing out of the ordinary about her.

"Honey, you said your lips were swollen?", he asks. She looks down with an...

The Sermon..

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon. With great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

With even greater emphasis, his arms in the air, he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the riv...

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A blonde comes home early from work to find her husband in bed with another woman.

Shocked and furious, she pulls out a gun from her purse and points it at the couple on the bed. They recoil in fear.

But after a few seconds, the expression on the blondes face shifts from rage to one of sadness and despair.

She turns the gun away from the couple and points it at her o...

The receptionist got a bit shocked when a nun comes running out at full speed, with an expression that could only be described as pure horror.

Receptionist: What in gods name happened to her? The receptionist asked the doctor.

Doctor: Well, I told her she was pregnant.

Receptionist: Pregnant? A nun? Was she really?

Doctor: Of course not, but atleast I managed to cure her hiccups...

Write the expression for the volume of a thick pizza with height "a" and radius "z".

*pi * z * z * a*

“Going down the rabbit hole” is an expression meaning to enter into a strange or complicated situation,

And also to a person exploring their new furry kink.

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One of my grandpa’s favorite jokes

Back in the 1950s, traveling salesmen would come to rural areas and get some good customers out of it. One of these was Jack. He’s traveling on a dirt road when all of a sudden his tire pops.

He gets out of the car and realizes that he doesn’t have a spare. “Ah, shit!” he exclaims, mad that t...

Never trust people who channel their negative life experiences into creative expressions

... they're all a bunch of con artists

A rabbi is hiring an assistant...

Rabbi Hoffman is hiring an assistant, and he’s interviewing a young man named Uri for the job.

The rabbi read through Uri’s resume. He had extensive community service, excellent grades, and had never missed service.

“This all looks very good, young man. I’m going to need help cleaning...

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Three men lost in the jungle were captured by cannibals

The cannibal king told the men they could live if they successfully undertook a trial. The first step of the trial was for each to go into the forest and collect ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So the three went their separate ways into the forest. Soon the first came back with ten apples. The...

Why does everyone use the expression “When Pigs Fly?”

I don’t get it... Hercules rode on his Pigasus YEARS ago!

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A wife was making breakfast for her husband when he ran into the kitchen with an alarmed expression

"TURN 'EM EGGS!! TURN'EM BEFORE THEY BURN!!!".

"GOOD LORD, WE ARE GOING TO NEED MORE BUTTER!!! GET IT! GET IT!!! DAMN THEY ARE GOING TO STICK!!!"

The wife looked at him with a puzzled expression and continued.

"HOLY SHIT! NOT SO MUCH SALT AND PEPPER!!! JUST A BIT!! YOU WILL RUIN...

Mischievous twins

In a town somewhere there lived 2 very problematic 12 year old twin boys. If there was trouble in town, they were sure to be involved. It gotten to the point where every time some stranger came to their house it was to complain about something they did.

Naturally their mother had it with thei...

New boots

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas .

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on
sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife,
"Notice anything different about me?"
...

Bob, a Neanderthal furniture craftsman, lugs his latest stone creation into Harry’s store.

Harry is the proud owner of Pleistocene Man Home, a thriving home goods and flint cave.

Bob, still breathing heavily from his labor, says to Harry, “Here new chair. Soft slate. No crack. Has club holder.

Harry is impressed. “Good chair! Better than chair you make for Doug”

“W...

So I was staying at my uncles...

SO THIS IS A REAL STORY

My nephew, “mommy you’re kind of fat.”

My uncle, “no she’s not son she’s just big boned.”

My nephews expression immediately drops,

“Daddy is she okay?”

“Yeah why wouldn’t she be?”

“Why do her bones jiggle?”

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A couple is in the hospital after the wife just had a baby.

The doctor comes up to them with a concerned expression. "Your son is perfectly healthy, but I'm afraid he doesn't have eyelids. What we can do is graft a pair with the skin left after we circumcise him"

The dad asks "But won't be end up cock-eyed?".

The doctor says" Oh, no. If anythi...

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Voodoo dildo

A man walks into a sex shop and tells the shopkeeper that he'll be going on a trip soon. He tells the shopkeeper that his wife is very sexually active, and to keep her happy he wants to get her something to keep herself busy. The shopkeeper goes to the backroom and brings the man a box. The shopkeep...

I took a pencil and stenciled in angry expressions on faces of George on my dollar bills.

So now I have mad cash.

An Irish lad just graduating school embarks on his career in business.

Found employment in a nice village. Being a bit of an introvert, took him a few months to venture into the local pub. Asked the bartender for 3 pints, and he took them back into a dark corner table, drank the 3 and left. After a few days, when he ordered his usual 3, the barkeep said "Ya know lad, I...

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I never understood the expression "for shits and giggles"

Until my girlfriend tickled me when I had the stomach flu

A naked woman walks into a bar and asks for a beer

The bartender stares at her body from head to toe then serves her a beer. She drinks it and asks for another beer.

The bartender stares at her for longer and serves her a second beer. The woman again drinks it and asks for a third beer.

Then the bartender starts to look at her with an ...

April and June were dating...

The couple had been together many years, and, as far as one could tell from the outside were very happy together. But June had always felt as though there was something between them, something holding them back- something that April was keeping a secret.

As time went by, June got the impressi...

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Three Asian men die in a car accident on Easter Sunday.

They find themselves at the pearly gates, where Peter is at his receptionist desk awaiting them.

“Now, here’s the deal,” Peter says to them. “You three were not believers, so you are not allowed in here.” The men glance at each other, beginning to grow pale. “However, since it’s Easter, I’m w...

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Lizzard

So, not mine, but my favourite. Worth a read, I promise.




Lizard Birth

If you' ve raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish,
the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

I had to take my son's...

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A man with a lisp went on a blind date to a heavy metal concert

Paul had been ridiculed all his life for having a lisp. As a kid, he was bullied in school. As an adult, he caught coworkers making fun of him when they thought he couldn't hear. He would even notice cashiers trying to stifle their laughter. No woman would ever go out with him, and he felt resigned ...

There is a trend in psychotherapy called Anger Expression therapy where the patient is to express any anger immediately no matter how small or trivial.

Its all the rage.

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Little johnny learns about the birds and the bee's

Saturday morning little Johnny wakes up and as he is about to go to the living room to watch Saturday morning cartoons he hears loud noise coming from down the hall. He follows the sound which brings him to his parents bedroom. Curious about what the noise is he slowly opens his parents bedroom door...

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Three Guys Die and Get to go to Heaven (long)

So they're waiting for God to get to and judge/reward them. God finishes with others and gets to them. Standing before them, he says, "Alright. You three get to go to heaven. Here's what's gonna happen. You think carefully and tell me what you would really love for the rest of eternity. I will set a...

How would the Church of England deal with the statement that "the cat sat on the mat" if it appeared in the Bible?

The liberal theologians would point out that such a passage did not of course mean that the cat literally sat on the mat. Also, cat and mat had different meanings in those days from today, and anyway, the text should be interpreted according to the customs and practices of the period.

This ...

In 1991, a country banned expressions of surrender, acceptance, or agreement.

That marked the fall of the "So be it" Union.

What kind of expression does a person who fell asleep by the ocean have?

Resting beach face

A man stumbles upon a magic lamp...

He rubs the lamp and a genie pops out!

The genie says that he will grant the man only one wish, and that he has to pick from three choices. He can either be the richest man in the world, the most popular man in the world, or the wisest man in the world. The man says "We all know that money do...

Army Joke?

I guess this joke is pretty popular in the armed forces, so I apologize if this is a repeat!

So anyways, once there was a guy, let’s call him Steve. So Steve has always had trouble with women. His first wife left him, his second wife passed away, and his third ended up having an affair. Feeli...

A horse walks into a bar. The Barkeeper looks up and asks "Hello Mr. Horse, why the long face?"

The horse looks to the floor with a sad expression and answers: "My alcoholism is tearing my family apart."

Today, I was thinking about the expression 'revenge is a dish best served cold'.

Then I considered 'revenge is sweet'. I've come to the conclusion that revenge is ice cream.

During a high school visit to France, I stayed with a French family.

One night, I was unsure what the meat on my dinner plate was, so I pointed to it and asked in my best 11th-grade French: “Qui est-ce?” The family’s expressions told me I needed some tutoring. Instead of asking “What is it?” as I had intended, I’d asked “Who is it?”

Guy tells the talent agent, "My dog can talk."

Talent agent: "Prove it."

Guy, to dog: "How does sandpaper feel?"

Dog: *Rough, rough!*

Guy: "What's on top of a house?"

Dog: *Roof, roof!*

Guy: "Who was the greatest Yankee ever?"

Dog: *Ruth, Ruth!*

Talent agent throws them out of his office.

D...

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What expression would be the worst if taken literally?

Shit a brick.

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Young boy goes up to his Dad and asks "Where did I come from?"

His father sighs and says "I was hoping your mother would get this question but OK I will explain".

"So when a man and woman are in love and want to have a baby they get naked and get into bed and then they touch each other and kiss and the man touches the woman's breasts and vagina and the w...

What expression is considered a compliment for Americans but an argument for Muslims?

"You the bomb!"

"No, you the bomb!"

An english schoolteacher was in Switzerland...

An English schoolteacher, was in Switzerland and looking for a room to rent for when she would begin her teaching there the following fall. She asked the schoolmaster if he would recommed any. He took her to see several rooms, and when everything was settled she returned home to make final preparati...

Several years ago, a group of artistic polymaths decided to mathematically represent different styles of painting.

Several years ago, a group of artistic polymaths decided to mathematically represent different styles of painting.

Each of the polymaths was a leading figure in a different field of mathematics, and each pursued and studied a different style of painting. Together, they decided that if they co...

"My bad" I said, as I patted on my friends back.

He looked at me with a shocked and terrified expression.

Apparently 'my bad' and 'I'm sorry' don't mean the same thing at funerals.

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