Quick, Short, Funny Court Appearance

Jerry Bartle was arrested and put on trial for robbing a local shop at gunpoint. In his wisdom he decided that he would represent himself in court. He appeared to be doing reasonably well until the shop's owner took the stand to give his evidence.

She had identified him immediately as the rob...

Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?

Because most men are stupid but few are blind.

I think it is important to be self-aware of one's appearance...

For example, my mother says that I'm very thin.

I say that I'm just regular skinny.

And my father says that I'm a complete loser.

A mathematician wasn't too confident about his appearance...

So he asked his friend to compare his good looks in terms he could understand.
After little thought his friend says: "You're about as good looking as you are bad looking."
"Well that's just mean."

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VA Governor Northam has not made a public appearance since Saturday

This is partly thanks to a tunnel system that connects his residence to his office. It is predicted that when he does resurface & sees his shadow, we are guaranteed 6 more weeks of scandals.

What show did John Cena and his pregnant wife make an appearance on?

I Didn't Know I was Pregnant

Mark Zuckerberg refuses formal appearance before Parliament

Couldn't find a tux with a hoodie

What do you call a musical gnome that cares a lot about its appearance?

A metrognome

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A man see's a sign on a bar window "Win $1,000,000 - Details inside"

Curiosity peaked, he enters the bar and asks the bartender what's required to win the million.

​

"Ah, that?" The bartender casually replied, offering a challenging smirk. "It requires the completion of 3 tasks I believe to be impossible. It brought in a lot of business when ...

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A man is in a job centre in north London and he sees an ad for a "Pube Shaver"

So he calls one of the assistants over and says "What's this all about?"

And the assistant says "Oh, yes. We have an opening for someone to work with movie actresses, bikini models and so on... all kinds of women in any branch of the industry where appearance is key, especially in the... *pel...

A Photographer Hears About a Ghost Appearance...

It was said to be appearing that night, in an abandoned house. This was said to only happen every one hundred years. So, the photographer packs his equipment and goes to the house. Around midnight, the ghost appears. It turns out to be quite friendly, and consents to have its picture taken. The phot...

A man walks through a forest.

He notices a squirrel sitting in a tree, staring intensely at him.
Up ahead, he encounters even more squirrels. All seem to be fixated on his appearance.
Baffled, the man asks the squirrels what's up.
"Hey, why are all of you staring at me like that?"
"Well," one of the squirrels answer...

One of the big themes in Sartre's philosophy is the idea of genuine choice versus just the appearance of having a choice.

So he can't meaningfully choose to have his coffee with no cream, because he could never have had it with cream to begin with, but he can meaningfully choose to have it with no milk.

The reason I check my hair and my general appearance so often, is because of this one bad day. I can't even say I remember it, but I am told my hair was a mess, I was covered with unspeakable fluids, had trouble breathing, couldn't even stand, and I cried in front of everyone.

I'm still trying to live down the day I was born.

A homeless man walks into a cafe and asks for a cup of coffee.

The barista, taken aback by his appearance, tells him that he needs to pay for that coffee.

“How about this.”
and then he pulled a frog out of his pocket that started to beautifully play the piano.

The barista is amazed and offers him a cup of coffee on the house.
After a while, ...

Long ago there were two men, David and Nikolay the Wise

They were laying outside on a field one day comparing their intelligence when David turned to Nikolay.

He told Nikolay that he had a higher iq so he must be smarter. Nikolay just laughed and told him there was only one way to tell who was smarter. They must go to a canyon and cross it, the fi...

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Timmy was being raised by his single mother

When one day she sat him down and explains to him that she’s given this a lot of thought and takes it very seriously but she identifies as a man and intends to start living as such. Timmy understands.

It was a long transitioning process of altering his appearance, changing his name, undergoi...

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I entered ten puns into a pun contest

I was hoping at least one would win, and in fact seven did. The prize was that they would be published in the local paper.

A week after they were published, I was contacted by a huge publisher that said they liked my puns so much that they offered to pay me an advance to write a book of puns!...

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Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.'
A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wi...

Funny Courtroom Transcript

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Two baseball fanatics...

Jake and Johnny were the best of friends and fanatical about the game of baseball. While watching the World Series the two pondered if baseball existed in heaven.

"You think heaven will have baseball?," asked Jake.

"I certainly hope so!," Johnny said. "Tell you what, let's make a deal...

I hear the new Star was movie will include a Hispanic Jedi Knight.

I can't wait to see Obi Juan Kenobi make his first on-screen appearance.

Dr. Amrak, superintendent of the Tidder School District, was nervous about the upcoming budget meeting.

All of the schools in the district needed new benches and tables in their cafeterias. Unfortunately, the Tidder Comets were in a difficult financial situation, and all of the estimates for the cafeteria furniture were way too expensive. One day before the big meeting, Dr. Amrak told his secretary,...

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John is invited to meet the Pope.

John is very anxious about the meeting. He spends hours picking the right suit and making sure his hair looks just right. After what seems like an eternity, John is satisfied with his appearance.

When John arrives to meet the Pope there are about 50 other people in line ahead of him, so John ...

Three best friends stumble upon a genie lamp.

As a joke, the first one begins to rub it, and all three are surprised when a genie pops out in full Arabian gear. The genie eyes all three of the awestruck men and nods regally.

"I am a Jinn of the Somali. As you have allowed me to see the outside world once again, I shall grant each of you ...

There was a sign on a shop window. It said "Looking for a full-time cleaner. Give us a call."

So I phoned them up and said, "I saw the notice in your window. I think I might be able to help."

"Oh yes?" replied an eager voice.

"Yes," I said. "If you give me a description of their appearance I can go out and search for them."

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A man walks into a bar holding a paper bag...

...and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender eyes the bag curiously as he finishes up filling the man’s cup. As he comes back to the table, his curiosity gets the better of him and he asks the man, “what’s in the bag?”

Wordlessly, the man pulls out a small grand piano, a small piano ...

A leper walks into a bar... (Don’t read at mealtime)

A leper walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender serves him, then runs to the back to throw up.

The leper says “Hey, I know my appearance is a little...off putting. I can leave”
“No No,” the bartender replies. “It’s not you. Have another drink, on the house. “

The leper t...

A young Army officer was severely wounded in the head by a grenade

but the only visible, permanent injury was that both of his ears were amputated.

Since his remaining hearing was sufficient, he remained in the Army. Many years later he eventually rose to the rank of Major General.

He was, however, very sensitive about his appearance. One day the Gene...

A piece of string breaks out of prison.

Just one mile out from crossing state lines, the piece of string sees a checkpoint up ahead.

Frantic and worried that he will be recognized, the bit of string hatches an idea for a disguise.

He starts by rolling around on the ground, to the point he becomes dirty and tattered.
Ne...

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For all those who don't get the bus driver comments on every post here

First off, I know this is an old joke. It's like the oldest joke. But on every other joke that's posted on this sub, it gets referenced, and there's always at least one reply who doesn't get it. I've explained the reference to like 4 people today and this seems like a better solution. So here it i...

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Brad was successful and mostly healthy, but he had one problem...

his eyes bulged out of their sockets.

It had started in his teens, and while it didn't cause him physical pain, he had to put up with constant teasing about looking like an insect. It didn't help his dating life either; most girls liked him as a person but found his appearance too strange to ...

New announcement about Stan Lee's funeral

It will feature a cameo appearance by Stan Lee.

My wife found me in the kitchen naked holding a gun

"What the hell are you doing?" she screamed, shocked at my appearance.

"Quiet woman! I'm hunting decepticons!" I whispered back harshly.

She put her hands on her hips. "You've been sleep walking again! There are no such thing as decepticons!"

I blinked, realizing how stupid I lo...

A piece of string walks into a bar and sits next to the bartender. He asks for a drink, but the bartender says apologetically, "Sorry, we don't serve strings here."

Confused, the string leaves and goes home. A few days later, he returns to the bar, this time sitting at a different end of the bar. He asks for a drink and the bartender responds,"Hey, aren't you that string from the other day? I told you, we don't serve strings here."

Dejected, the string l...

The Admiral with only one ear..

Years ago, a young Navy Pilot was injured while ejecting from his A-4 Skyhawk due to engine failure during a cat shot from the carrier, but due to the heroics of rescue helicopter crew and the ship's hospital staff, the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear.
 
Since he wasn't physicall...

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A man was fighting an infection that was spreading on his body.

He had to go to the hospital immediately when the infections got worse. He didn't go before because he didn't have money and his wife couldn't support their family well enough if she were to help him pay.

"I'm really sorry John", mumbled Ashley as she sobbed.

John's infection got so mu...

Veteran Wine Taster

At a wine merchant's warehouse the regular taster died, and the director started looking for a new one to hire. He posted a sign at the entrance to the building... EXPERIENCED WINE TASTER NEEDED --POSITION STARTS IMMEDIATELY.

A retired veteran named "Ace," drunk and with a ragged dirty look a...

A length of rope walks into a bar

The bartender looks at him and says “get out, we don’t serve ropes in here!”

The rope goes outside and cuts himself in half and ties his two sections together. Not pleased with his appearance, he takes a comb and combs out his ends.

He walks back into the bar and the bartender says “...

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A dwarf is sent to prison for securities fraud

One night he is able to slip under the fence and escape. He runs into the woods for as long as he can, and decides to hide in a tree, in case the guards come to track him down. After some time he falls asleep, being exhausted from running so far. He dreams of freedom and spending his hidden fortune....

A moral businessman always pays his tithe

A young man becomes a successful businessman very early on in life. Being a faithful member of the church he always pays his tithe for years and years.

He later falls upon hard times and so he talks to his banker. His banker lets him know that things are worse than the man had realized, he co...

One Sunday morning an old ragged cowboy entered a church just before services were to begin.

Although the old man and his clothes were spotlessly clean, he wore jeans, a denim shirt and boots that were very worn and ragged.

In his hand he carried a worn out old hat and a equally worn out Bible. The church he entered was in a very upscale and exclusive part of the city. It was the lar...

[Long] Trying to find a date had been really difficult for me recently

I’d been having some mental health issues lately and so my doctor prescribed me with some pills to help treat them. Unfortunately they had the unavoidable side affect of making me hallucinate.

My daily routine didn’t change that much, but it did have a huge affect on my dating game. Every da...

The daughter of a melon farmer and a travelling musician met one day and fell in love at first sight

The woman’s name was Angie, a beautiful, red-haired woman with a smile so magnetic and radiant one couldn’t help but fall head-over-heels; the musician’s name was Zachary, a strapping, young lad with flowing, blonde hair and broad shoulders, just wide enough to give him a powerful physique yet not i...

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After a sleepover, a boy drops a girl at her home

He puts his hand on the wall by the gate for support, leans toward her.

BOY : Can I kiss you?

GIRL: Not now, we're home.

BOY : Please.

GIRL: No.

BOY : You were damn sexy in bed today.

GIRL: You too, full of energy. I cannot believe we had four rounds!
...

A man breaks down on a country road in Ireland and hears a voice.

He opens opens his bonnet/hood and looks at the engine. He knows nothing about cars and has no hope of fixing it, then he hears a voice "Check the alternator"....Where the hell did that voice come from, he looks round and leaning over a gate is a huge white horse looking at him "Check the alternator...

*HAPPY FATHER'S DAY...*

A new teacher Joins school... She finds two boys looking very similar in appearance...

Teacher asks:- " Twins...???"

Boy:- No... *"NEIGHBOURS"*

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One of the first "dirty" jokes I heard when I was 10

So Jane sees Tarzan sneaking off one night and goes investigating. She follows his trail and finds him furiously humping a tree-trunk that has a curiously well-used looking hole in it. Initially disgusted, she's mollified thinking, "At least he wasn't doing it with other animals like everybody else ...

I greeted the mailman at the door naked

He freaked out. Not so much because of my appearance, more because I knew where he lived.

A joke my granddad once told me.

I always loved this one, my granddad told it to me years ago. Still one of my favourites.



An elderly woman wakes one morning and looks out of her bedroom window. Across the road she sees two men from the local council office slowly making their way up the grassy embankment at the side...

A schoolreunion

A man named Chris sits down at a table at his high-school reunion. It's been a while since the last reunion, and he can't seem to remember a single face from the crowd.

Suddenly another guy sits down beside Chris. The man is very tall, about 6'3, and his face is stretched out. As if someone w...

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A man was stopped for speeding

A man was driving along an overpass and was caught in a speed trap by a police officer with a radar gun. He admitted he was speeding, apologized, and told the officer that the reason he was speeding was that he did not want to be late for work. The officer wrote the ticket, explained the details of ...

The Ant and the Grasshopper

CLASSIC VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no f...

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Two homeless men were walking in the desert...

...when suddenly a gust of wind reveals a shiny object in the distance. Both of them rushed to said item and as they saw it was a lamp. A genie appears out of the lamp as they were trying to clean the lamp.

"Thank you for releasing me. I shall give 3 wishes to each one of you." The men stared...

Natalie

A guy hails a cab at the airport and tells the driver to go to a certain address. When he gets there he sees a beautiful three story townhouse in a upper-class part of town. He knocks and an attractive woman opens the door.

"I wanna see Natalie"

The lady looks the man up and down, he c...

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The Devil gives three men a chance to get into Heaven

Three men die and get sent straight to the Gates of Hell where they meet the Devil who tells them that if they can answer his question correctly, they can go to Heaven.

The Devil grabs a chair and stabs five holes into it, sits on the chair and farts.

Devil: If you can tell me which ho...

A Well-Argued Court Case

The beauty of a language and the art of constructing the words of the language significantly lead to their meaning. This is not a case of twisting, but of the refined manner of presentation by witty minds. A good case for reference.

One evening, after attending the theatre, two gentlemen were...

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A man had a problem...he was a virgin because he had a 25 inch penis...

After seeking consults from all the Doctors in his town and being told no one could help him, the man sulks and starts walking home. A homeless man sitting on the sidewalk noticed his forlorn appearance and asked him what was wrong.

"I have a 25 inch penis and none of the Doctors in town are ...

Long ago, there was a cathedral...

The old bell ringer had passed away and the bishop set out a sign announcing that the position was now open for new applicants. A few weeks go by without any bites, but one day a man comes in. The man had a hunched back and no arms, so the bishop was leary of his ability to perform the job, but t...

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What does a woman want to have most?

Long time ago there was a monster wandering around villages. Each time he arrived a village, it would disappear from the map. But the monster was reasonable. As soon as he came to the village, the head of the village would be summoned, deciding the fate of themselves.

The monster said: "I wil...

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Mr Wright (Slightly NSFW)

Read this a while ago, still probably my favourite joke, and felt I should share it for those who haven't seen it before.
A lawyer gets home after a long trial in which it was decided his client-Mr Wright-would be hanged later that night. He is greeted at the door by his wife.
"You're home lat...

Hare-lip joke my mother told me a long time ago.

A woman with a cleft lip was sitting by herself at a dance club. She absolutey loved to dance, but was also extremely self-conscious about her appearance. After an hour or so of no one even smiling at her, she was about to leave. A gentleman at the bar noticed the woman and was instantly taken by he...

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A blonde woman goes appliance shopping...

... and upon arrival at the department store, she decides to take advantage of a sale that she sees. She calls over an employee and points to the marked-down price.

"I'd like to buy this television," she says, batting her eyelashes.

"I'm truly very sorry, miss," the employee tells her,...

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Dog called sex

Usually, anyone who owns a dog calls him Rover or Spotor some such name. I called mine Sex and it got me into constant trouble.


One day when he was young, I took Sex for a walk and he slipped out of his collar and ran away. I spent hours looking for him. A policeman came along and asked m...

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the other side is the most common answer, however this answer leaves a great deal of room for interpretation. As noted historian and sociologist Ian Ormwell stated, "A joke cannot be taken at face value; all jests are subjective in their appearance and impact." Contrasting this view, the p...

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A harrowed looking man was braving through jagged mountains looking for a wise monk.

On finding him he quickly paid his respects and got to stating his dilemma. "By dumb luck, I am to marry the most beautiful women in my town. But.."

"Go on. Isn't it a time for celebration? Whats bothering you?", encouraged the monk with a peaceful smile. "But my penis is too small." the man...

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A man is sitting at a bar, doing some heavy drinking...

He decides to take one last shot before going home. The shot doesn't sit too well with him; he gets queasy, and proceeds to vomit on his shirt.

"Fuck!" Says the dude. "My wife is gonna be so pissed that I came home covered in puke."

Thinking quickly, the bartender stuffs a five in his ...

I've started wearing a stethoscope around my neck...

So, if there's a medical emergency I get to teach people a valuable lesson about making assumptions based on someone's appearance.

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A Brit walks into a bar in Mississippi.

The bartender, taking note of the man's rather non-local appearance, shook his head and handed the man a beer - he didn't want to be at the butt-end of some lame joke.

The other bargoers, however, didn't seem to have the same inclination, and so began pestering the Brit.

"Well lookie h...

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What lawyers say in court

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
_________________________ ___________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He...

Topical Jokes for 10/9

(for best results, read in the voice of your favorite late night host)

In Indiana, a pizza delivery man received a $1,200 tip from college students. College officials applauded the act of charity, until they realized the “pizza” was just a box with $1,200 dollars worth of weed in it.

T...

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A middle aged woman was looking at herself in the mirror...

... And she kept talking to herself about her appearance.

- Look at your saggy boobs, I mean they used to be so perky and full and now look at these empty skin socks.

- Wow, the years have not been kind to your butt, you could have bounced a quarter off of my apple shaped bottom and lo...

An angry man makes pots for a living.

He works all day in his pottery making pots. When he leaves, he slams the door and grumbles home.

At home he demands his dinner, and then reads the paper. Every night his loving wife nags him that his temper will get him in trouble.

Sure enough one day on his way home he bumps into a w...

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There once were three girls who were ugly. So they decided to do something about it.

They went to a plastic surgeon first to see what their options were.
"It's hopeless, " he said," You guys are too ugly."
"We're girls, " they said.
"But...there is a way. There's a magic lake that can change your appearance to whomever or whatever you want to look like. All you have to do...

A plane crashes

There were 152 people on a plane. It gets hijacked and crashed, and everyone on it dies. God says they all get one wish because of how tragically they died. The first man wishes for himself not to be ugly, the second person wishes she was skinnier. They all wish for something that improves their app...

(Long joke) A man is dying of a rare disease...

This disease has left his body covered in large, bright, yellow, pus-filled craters and has grown exponentially worse over the course of a few months. The man is told by numerous doctors that there is no cure to his life- threatening illness and he doesn't have much time to live.

A Make-A-Wi...

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A young boy walks in on his parents arguing...

It's the evening of Thanksgiving and a young boy happens upon his parents who are arguing loudly in the kitchen. "You're a bitch!" Yells the father. "You're a bastard!" Yells the mother. "Well you've got floppy tits!" Says the father. "Yeah? Well you've got a crooked dick" Cries the mother. The fath...

Harry Houdini's pet bunny

Harry Houdini was a marvelous magician and loved his bunny very much. Houdini called him Mills. After years of watching Houdini perform Mills couldn't help but want to be a magician too. But Alas, he was a bunny. Before Houdini died he gave his bunny to a secret science lab and asked them to take ca...

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A graduate has an interview at a fancy restaurant

A young achiever recently graduated from university and is in the process of interviewing for her first "real" job. She made it past the preliminaries with one of her preferred employers and was invited to have dinner at a fancy restaurant with her potential boss. Naturally, she arrives early to mak...

The police chief is interviewing applicants for a detective job.

The chief says to the three applicants "Alright, one of the most important things for a detective is to have good observational skills, so I'm going to give you all a little test. You'll each get a photo to examine for just five seconds, then you have to tell me what you notice about the subject's a...

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Cave Excavation

A team of American and British archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the following symbols in their order of appearance:

1. a woman
2. a donkey
3. a shovel
4. a fish
5. a Star of David

They decided that this...

Pope Francis gets a new car.

He's in Chicago for an appearance. His regular car is obviously not there and due to some mixup all they have is a huge SUV.

When Francis sees this beast he thinks for a second. "Hey, I've been kind of curious about these things. Do you mind if I drive?"

What are you supposed to say...

Old lady thief....

An 80 year old women was caught shoplifting a can of peaches.

During her court appearance the judge asked the lady "So tell me why did you steal the peaches?" to which the old lady replied, "Your honor I was very hungry because my husband and I have no money to eat".

The judge then ask...

They Were Alone!

They were alone in the house. It was a cold, dark, stormy night.
The storm had come up quickly and each time the thunder boomed.
He watched her jump.
She looked across the room and admired his strong appearance.
She wished he would take her in his arms, comfort her, protect
her from t...

I was at this bar once..

and the bartenders were identical twins. The only way to tell them apart was that one of the brothers had a freakishly small head. After talking for a while I finally asked him what was up with is appearance. He looks around, lowers his voice and says "once I was walking down a beach and found a lam...

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A woman with no arms and no legs...

A woman with no arms and no legs is sitting by herself, crying, on a park bench facing a lake just before sunset. A handsome young man wandered by and noticed the woman crying. He walks up to her and places a comforting hand on her shoulder, saying "What's wrong, ma'am?"

"Oh...", the young wo...

The Rabbi and the Devil

So, one day, the devil visits a synagogue while all the folk are deep in the middle of whatever it is they do at synagogues.

Once the smoke and clamour clears, the devil steps forth, slicing the air his pitchfork, flashing eyes of fire. At the sight of him, hooves and all, all the men and wo...

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Say it with potatos

Well, there are a lot of reasons. I mean, roses only last like a couple weeks
and that's if you leave them in water. Also they really only exist to be pretty. That's like saying "my love for you is transitory and based solely on your appearance", but a potato! Potatos last for fucking ever. In fa...

Young Forever

Nutritionists say people who eat less tend to be younger in appearance. It is true. One of my friends hadn't eaten for 10 days, he's forever 25 years old now.

George visits an isolated village

As he walks down the street he sees three children playing. He is inspired by their happiness, approaches them and asks for their names. "Sunflower", says the freckle-faced girl. "Sunflower?", asks the man, "Why would that be your name?" - "It is said that when I was born, a sunflower fell on my hea...

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My visit to a redneck strip club (NSFW)

I was driving through America and I was getting tired so I parked my UHaul at motel and noticed that there was a strip club next door. Being bored and having some time to kill -I went next door and found an empty seat in front of a pole dancer.

The guy next to me was this really burly guy wi...

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