Search Jokes - 116 Hilarious Search Jokes

IamA Bing search engine AMA

Please. Just ask me something.

A policeman searched me last night...

A policeman searched me in a public toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs.

"It's not my fault," I said, "Every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again."

"Do you really expect me to believe that?" he laughed.
I said, "...

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So I was looking up popular pornographic search terminology...

Turns out FFM, Bondage, and Watersports are a three way tie for #1.

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Easy way to search your wife.

A man approached a very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and said,
"I've lost my wife here in the supermarket."
"Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

The woman looked puzzled.
"Why talk to me?" she asked.

"Because every time I talk to a woman with t...

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I like my porn just how I like my search history

Disabled.

A burglar breaks into a house. He begins to search the home for valuables when hears a quiet voice say

“Jesus is watching you” he dismisses it as paranoia and carries on with his crime. He hears the voice again “Jesus is watching you”. He’s knows this time it’s not in his head so he looks around the room and sees a parrot in the corner. He walks over to the parrot and it repeats one more time “Jesus...

I’ve been searching for my ex wife’s killer for the past two years.

No one is willing to do it.

Be careful today when searching "Giant Black Hole Pics"

All I keep getting are scientific articles.

Random Drug search

A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look m...

I searched google for "how to start a large fire"

52,000 matches

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A redditor is searching for the funniest joke of all time, so he subscribes to r/jokes.

After a short while, and a few small chuckles, he realises he's reading the same shit over and over again, post after post.

"I'm never going to find a real joke", he thinks.

He sighs and tilts his head in dismay. Looking down he starts to read the thread and it hits him...

I had an idea for a movie plot where a retired CIA agent searches for his kidnapped daughter in Paris.

Turns out that idea was taken. I then had another idea for a movie where the same agent is kidnapped with his ex-wife in Istanbul, but it turns out that one was taken too.

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A police officer stopped me and searched my pockets. Found a bag of weed.

"What have we here?"
"It's not mine officer."
He scoffs.
"I'm serious! I was cursed by a leprechaun, you know what scallywags they are. Now, every single time I flush this chronic down the toilet it magically reappears in my pocket."
"Bullshit."
"Try me!"
He frowns, but follows me...

A blonde walks into a bank in search of a $5000 loan

A blonde walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5000 loan.

The banker asks "Okay miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?"

The woman replies "Yes, of course. I would like to use my Rolls Royce."

The banker, stunned, asks, "A $250,0...

I went to trending searches.

Ted Kaczynski is blowing up!

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I looked at my roommate's search history. Apparently he's into forbidden desserts?

He keeps searching for "barely legal cream pies."

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A knight is riding on the road in search of adventures.

He sees the road splitting ahead of him, and next to the fork. a rock with some writing upon it. The knight dismounts and reads:

*Should thou go right, thou shalt lose thy steed. Should thou go left, thou shalt lose thy life. Should thou go straight ahead, thou shalt go fucking nuts.*

...

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I searched the internet for a Rorschach test

but all I found were a bunch of drawings of my room mates having sex

I searched “dementia symptoms” on Google…

All of the links were purple.

Why do chess players search for love in Central Europe?

They prefer Czech mates

Two FBI agents search an office and find a hard drive with "KGB" on it...

One of the agents asks the other, "Why didn't they just write '1 TB' instead?"

I've been searching for an anagram of "tired" all day.

Oh well, I tried.

What's the most searched word on Bing?

Google

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A brave and fearsome pirate sailed toward a small island, in search for buried treasure. He and his crew raced ahead in their rowboat, eagerly awaiting a massive payday. When they shortly came upon a large forest, they searched desperately for the last clue on the map.

As the first mate guided them carefully up to a clearing, he stopped suddenly and pointed at a crouched figure straight ahead.

The captain gasped.

"...Carol??"

"Hey, loser," she droned, relieving herself between two pines. "I see you're still looking for buried treasure like a c...

I did a google search for Alzheimer's...

But for some reason all the links were already purple.

I'm so fat, that when I went through airport security they didn't strip search me...

They burlesque searched me.

Why did the police search Dr. Huxtable’s vehicle?

They had probable Cosby.

The search for escaped psychic Chris Tolbol has ended tragically today.

He was discovered after being hit by a train.

Eyewitnesses state that he didn't see it coming.

I searched Reddit and this joke hasn't been posted.

USPS came out with a Donald Trump stamp. They were Yugely popular at first, but suddenly went out of circulation, because they wont stick to the envelopes.

This enraged the president, and he demanded a full investigation, blamed the democrats and JINA and the lame-stream media.

<...

Schrodinger gets pulled over by the cops and they do a search of his car.

Cop: Did you know you have a dead cat in your trunk?

Schrodinger: I do now.

I searched on eBay for something to light my candles with...

It said, "No matches found"

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(hope this isn't a repost I tried searching for it but couldn't find anything.) Two men are playing golf.

At one point, when they are near a road when a hearse followed by a full funeral procession drives by. One man stops playing and takes his hat off in silence while the procession goes past. The second man is impressed. Afterwards, the second man says "Wow, that was very respectful what you did there...

What's it called when Matt Damon goes searching for a thrift store?

Goodwill hunting

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Woman searching for a husband

A woman goes to the husband store. The store owner tells her each floor has better quality men, but once she leaves a floor she can not return. On the first floor are nice, cute men. "I can do better" she thinks to herself. She goes to the second floor. There she finds nice, cute men with high payin...

Job search

A company was hiring for a position and it came down to two guys , Joe and Larry. After the company put them in a room and had them take a written test, they were brought before the hiring manager to hear the decision. The manager said you both are extremely qualified and you scored identically on t...

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Sherlock Holmes is searching for a criminal.

The criminal assaulted several people, then spent the night at a hotel. He and Watson spent several hours searching the room top and bottom for DNA evidence left behind by the staff. Then, Watson had an idea.
The idea was to look in the room’s sewage, for urine, waste, and dead skin cells. They a...

In search of: Married woman, recently cheated on, mad, scorned -

Willing to sell her husband's fishing gear

I was fired from my last job because they searched my desk and found coke

But who wants to work at Pepsi Co anyways

How do you search for Will Smith in the snow?

Look for the fresh prints.

What's Mario's favorite search engine?

Yahoo!

I choose to get a cavity search every 6 months

I love going to the dentist

A man climbed a mountain in search of the legendary Monk of the Moon, said to be the wisest man to ever live...

The man explored the mountainside until he found the monk's cave. "Oh, great Monk of the Moon, what is the meaning of life?"

The monk turned around and lowered his pants. A voice came from his rear end. "One day, your life will end. What you do with that knowledge determines your life's mea...

I was searching Google Images for Rorschach tests.

But all I found were pictures of my parents fighting.

I did a Google search for a cigarette lighter.

Ended up with 15,000 matches.

A policeman said he wanted to search my car.

"You won't find any drugs," I told him.

He said, "You don't sound sure about that."

I said, "Trust me, I looked earlier."

So, If the Microsoft search engine were to be acquired by Amazon…

That’d be Amazing!

A guy from Jersey bought a search engine and some fireworks.

He bought-a-bing and bought-a-boom

I've been searching for my wife's killer for six months.

No takers so far, though.

What is a popular search engine for ghosts?

Ghoul-gle!

What is the most commonly searched term on Internet Explorer?

Google Chrome.

I’ve spent my whole life searching for an invisible dolphin.

But now I don’t see the porpoise.

I've searched high and low for my brother's killer

but nobody is willing to do it.

When your'e running late searching for a missing sea monster

Let's get a crack-a-lackin' on the kraken-lackin'!

Why won't republicans impeach Trump?

Because they insist on carrying babies to full term.

OP is here, I heard this from a friend at work:

[https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/search?q=Because%20they%20insist%20on%20carrying%20babies%20to%20full%20term.&restrict\_sr=1&type=link](https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/search?q=B...

A lawyer and his family are searching for a new home.

A lawyer named Harry had a wife and 12 children. His rental agreement was terminated by his landlord, who wanted to reoccupy the home, and so the family of fourteen needed to find a new home immediately.

But Harry was having a lot of difficulty. Whenever Harry mentioned his dozen children, n...

I have searched the world over for a chef who can make eggs Benedict like mama used to.

But there's no place like home for the hollandaise.

What's the difference between a G spot and a golf ball?

A guy will actually search for a golf ball

A manager lost track of one of his employees, and goes to search for him. Outside the building, he finds the employee reading a document and drinking a pilsner.

“What the hell are you doing!” The manager yells, “lunch ended an hour ago, and here you are drinking on the job!”

“I don’t understand, boss,” the man replies, “I thought you encouraged malty tasking!”

I just came up with this at a restaurant with my girlfriend, she rolled her eyes to ...

Rudy Giuliani house was searched

So federal investigators searched Giuliano's house today. I thought they would find hair dye, but they didn't. I guess it ran.

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A hunter is searching the woods for a bear to kill

When suddenly from the top of the hill he has climbed spots a huge grizzly in the distance. The Hunter steadies himself, takes a deep breath and shoots. He looks up and the bear is nowhere to be seen. The Hunter, confused as to where the bear has gone feels a tap on his shoulder and is shocked to se...

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[NSFW] So a man walks into a pet store, searching for a companion.

The man sees this brightly colored parrot on display, but there's a problem, the store owner tells the man. You see, this parrot's last owner was a foul-mouth, and the bird's vocabulary is crude, to say the least.

But the man is lonely, and his life is boring. The parrot might spice things ...

A wife tells her husband that she's discovered his secret fetish via his search history...

"It was a weird one for sure," she says, "but I think I can make it work without being too embarrassed, as long as you don't film it." He accepts.

Later that night, he asks her if she wants to try it. She smiles, begins to undress, and goes "SKIPPITY BEE BOP BEE BOP DUP-A DUAAA"

A man went searching for the perfect joke...

He went to the best comedy clubs in his city and listened for days. He heard some great things, but nothing he could call perfect.

 

He journeyed to Hollywood, and tracked down the best comedic actors and screenwriters. Each one, eager for the honor of creating the perfect jok...

Soul Searching

Lately I've been soul searching; discovered I have a foot fetish.

An archaeologist goes to search for some ancient ruins.

He trekked through the desert for 5 hours, but at last he found them.

Looking at the wall, he saw a stone engraving indicating there was fresh water only a short walk away.

The archaeologist then said "That's a relief!"

Did you hear about the new Yiddish search engine?

Koogle

What's the worst thing you can come across while searching the web?

Your keyboard.

Where do evergreens search for Christmas decorating tips?

Pine-terist

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An interview with an old man .

An 80 years old man had an interview with the local TV channel and they told him : old man can you tell us about a happy memory from your youth ?

Old man : one time my donkey got lost and all the village went out to search for and when we found it we were so happy we all fucked it .

J...

After a long search, I finally got a job with FedEx.

OP delivers.

For years I was searching for...

For years I was searching for the music of a korean show called 'Rep'. I searched all my life for that music. A good part of my life was attached to thaf show. But I cant find it. I lost all my hopes in it.

Now when I am near my death bed, some months ago I get used to reddit. What a womderfu...

Which setting does Captain America search for in his Android Settings?

Language!

Reddit seems to have a hard time vetting their employees when a simple search would have been sufficient

Nevermind, they must have tried using Reddit search.

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A guy wants to experience some deep soul searching solitude...

He manages to hire an old abandoned sheep station in outback Australia. Tens of thousands of vast empty hectares stretching out to all the horizons.

As soon as the chopper drops him off, flies away and the dust settles, the quiet falls upon him. The distance recedes out endlessly in front of...

Lame search

Guy dies of heart attack and goes straight to the line that leads to the gates of heaven. When in there, the guy immediately behind him asks him: hey, what did you die of? He says: oh, I got earlier from work at home, saw some man’s clothes in my house, thought my wife was cheating on me and started...

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I tried to google image search Rorschach tests...

but all I could find were pictures of boobs.

Cyclops is searching for vacation places.

Cyclops: how do you spell Hawaii?

Wife: well, you need 2 i's

Cyclops: my life is just a joke to you isn't it Linda?

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In search of perfection [NSFW]

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend. When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she was a drama queen...

I stood nearby the docks all day trying to search for a huge ship they once told me I would find there…

... but it never showed up. Guess it was all just a ferry tale.

I spent years searching for the perfect mustache

It was right under my nose the whole time.

Police have begun training Crows to search vehicles.

It's easier to search without a warrant because Police Crows always have Just Cawws.

Jack emigrates to a strange new country in search of a job.

When he arrives at the terminal, the customs officer gives him one piece of strange advice before he enters the country.

“Whatever you do, don’t step on a duck”

Jack thought this advice was strange, but as he walked out the airport he saw thousands of ducks flood his view, so much so t...

Man, smartphones are great you can search up anything like:

1. How to make a pizza
2. How to put out a fire
3. Directions to the nearest pizzeria

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I spent all day searching for an anti-diarrheal

I'm just trying to keep my shit together

Searching for a job is the same as searching for a girlfriend

I just can't find either one.

Needless to say the search for the stolen lemon tree

Remained Fruitless

A ham searches how to become bacon

The answer they find is: just cook yourself lol

The ham: thanks im cured

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Did you know the most commonly used search term on Google is "butt plug"?

Well, it's not. I just pulled that out of my ass.

I searched in Google "How do I know if my wife is a witch".

You could've just asked me! - she yelled from the kitchen.

I searched for "teen amateur takes on BBC"

It was pretty good, both reporters stuck to the facts.

*Ziiip*

One my dad taught me years ago, couldn't find it with a search so I thought I would share

So this girl is going on a ride with her good friend Louie who's known for being a pretty reckless driver, she has to hold on for dear life while he cruises through a red light and she chastises him for it. Louie isnt concerned though, he says "my brother Vinny does it all the time"

They co...

I looked at my friends browser history and saw that he searched 'How to kill myself'

I still don't know what drove him to the Edge

A robber breaks into a house while the residents are away one dark night. Eager to see what he can loot, he quickly starts searching through cupboards and dressers, grabbing valuables with a trained eye. Suddenly, he hears a voice come out of nowhere. “Jesus is watching you.”

The criminal jumps, scared the residents are back, and freezes. After a few minutes of silence however, he assumes it was his imagination, and goes back to robbing. A couple minutes pass, before once again, the voice returns. “Jesus is watching you.” Quite confused, the thief searches the house and ...

Police are currently on the search for a man who steals the ends of jokes.

He is described as being a tall, blond man with a very big

Two sperm are swimming along, searching for an egg to fertilize

The first sperm says, “are we almost there? I don’t know how much longer I can do this!”

The second sperm responds, “keep going buddy, you can do it. We just passed the tonsils!”

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A company was looking to hire someone for an important position so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people from different parts of Canada.

In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours, and the one with the best answer would get the job.

The question was:

A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the m...

Bono from U2 says he's given up on alternative search engines like Bing and will just use google from now on.

He still hasn't found what he's looking for

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A reporter walks into a bar

A reporter walks into a bar in a small Louisiana town. He's been sent by his editor in the big city to get a human interest story, and so he walks up to some burly guy in overalls and offers him a drink in return for the story of the best day of his life.

"Best day? Well, that must've been th...

One day there were three grave robbers searching through a graveyard in Central America

They came across an Ancient Mayan temple which had three doors. the first grave robber walker up to the first door and looked inside, he saw a black pedestal with nothing on it, and in the back of the room there were piles of gold and riches, so he walked in and grabbed a handful of gold, but as he ...

The wife says I'm no longer allowed to help in our search for a new apartment as my suggestions are always "disgusting".

In my defence, the last place I found was in a great location in the centre of town and it did say "TO LET".

How was I supposed to know the "I" had fallen off?

Two blondes are walking in forest searching for a Christmas tree

They both walk a long time but couldn't find a good one. Hour by hour passes but still none of them are good enough. It's already getting pitch dark. It's already midnight and finally one of them suddenly says "ugh, let's just pick one without decorations"

Off the seventh tee, Joe sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine. He took his eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his lost ball. After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something glistening in the leaves.

As he drew nearer, he discovered that it was an eight iron in hands of a skeleton!
Joe immediately called out to his friend, "Jack, I've got trouble down here!"
"What's the matter?"
Jack asked from the edge of the ravine.
"Bring me my wedge," Joe shouted.
"You can't get out of here wi...

I’ve tried to search something on google for years

It keeps saying “Error. No matches”

Then I realised I wasn’t on google

I was on Tinder

Don't confuse your Google search with my computer scienc--

-- actually, never mind. It amounts to the same thing.

I've been searching...

...for almost 40 years for a toilet seat I don't fall through.

I'm a little behind.

I saw my girlfriend’s search history recently. She googled how to make her razor last longer.

I’m glad she considers me hers, but I don’t know how I feel about the nickname Razor.

I searched a list of 10 puns to make me laugh.

No pun in ten did

IT guy was searching for boomerang.

He got a hit.

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It must be a hard time for homosexuals searching for partners

Most of them are not coming out.

The search for the Pacific Ocean

9 years ago, a teacher asked a kid if he knew where the pacific ocean was. He replied, "No miss! I'm not aware of the location of the pacific ocean." The teacher furious, asked him to get out and not come back to his class till he knew the location of the pacific ocean.

The boy, distraught, y...

A police officer goes to a farm with a search warrant...

He shows the farmer the search warrant and tells him that he has the order to search for something unusual on the farm.

The farmer is confused and asks him: "Why here on my farm? Did something happen?"

The police officer just answers: "I am not allowed to tell you but I am allowed to s...

How do blind people start a word search?

Usually by getting a feel for it first.

Many people are surprised by the engagement of Serena Williams and Alexis Ohanian, but not me.

If I founded reddit I'd be searching for better servers too.

Searched for 'worlds best joke' and got this...

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me." The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold yo...

A blonde was speeding when a local police officer pulled her over and walked up to the car

The officer also happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde's driver's license.

The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman, "What does a driver's license look like?"

Irritated, the blonde cop said, "You dummy, it's got ...

I used Bing to search something the other day.

That's it. That's the whole joke.

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