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DEA agent stopped at our farm yesterday. “We are going to need to search your land for illegally grown drugs.”

DEA agent stopped at our farm yesterday. “We are going to need to search your land for illegally grown drugs.”

....I said, “that’s fine, but don’t go into that field over there”

Agitated by this, the officer explodes saying, “do you see this god damn badge son?! This badge means I can ...

Schrodinger gets pulled over by the cops and they do a search of his car.

Cop: Did you know you have a dead cat in your trunk?

Schrodinger: I do now.

My wife found “golden showers” in my search history and threatened to leave.

I let her go.

Gotta look out for number one.

After a long search, I finally got a job with FedEx.

OP delivers.

One my dad taught me years ago, couldn't find it with a search so I thought I would share

So this girl is going on a ride with her good friend Louie who's known for being a pretty reckless driver, she has to hold on for dear life while he cruises through a red light and she chastises him for it. Louie isnt concerned though, he says "my brother Vinny does it all the time"

They co...

An FBI agent tells a Montana rancher, 'I need to search your ranch for illegally grown drugs.' The rancher replies, 'Okay, but don't go into the field over there.'

The agent verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge, the officer proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land. No questi...

A department store opened in downtown area that sold men and a woman decides to visit it in search of a husband.

At the store’s entrance, there’s a sign outlining the department store policy.

* The first rule states that you can only enter the store once.
* There are six floors and on each floor you can choose a husband or elect to move on to the next floor.
* You cannot visit a floor more than on...

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The DEA search an old man's farm.

A DEA agent rolls up to a farm and speaks to the old farmer: "Sir we have received an anonymous tip off that you may be storing illegal drugs on your property. I have a warrant here to search your entire farm."

The farmer replies: "This is outrageous! I'm just a poor old man trying to earn a ...

Be careful today when searching "Giant Black Hole Pics"

All I keep getting are scientific articles.

I use Microsoft's search engine on my laptop & it explodes. So I take it to the Italian repair guy

He says "What's the problem with your computer? Please keep it brief"
I say "Bad-a-Bing Bad-a-boom!"

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Title

A guy walks in a bar and asks the bartender:

Guy: Hey are you gay?

Bartender: Damn straight

Guy: \*sighs\* The search continues..

If you search "pig" on Google Images, every image has the same file type.

They're all .jpigs.

eBay is great for finding rare items, but there is a lot of bad search results that come with it

For example, I did a search for "Vintage Zippo Lighters" and I got 10,000 matches.

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One day people will land on Mars. Search for the rover, dust him off and give it the treatment it deserves.

A robo bro blow job.

Youtube was taken offline by the courts today for their search algorithm was facilitating paedophelia.

Their lawyers appealed the verdict immediately. But they only got an automated answer that told them to reapply in 30 days.

Police are currently on the search for a man who steals the ends of jokes.

He is described as being a tall, blond man with a very big

Don't confuse your Google search with my computer scienc--

-- actually, never mind. It amounts to the same thing.

After a terrible shipwreck, a man found himself alone on an island. He went about the island in search of food and shelter. After a long walk, the man froze in terror as he saw a tribe of cannibals in the middle of a celebration...

The man thought to himself, "I’m so screwed!" To his surprise, a bright light came from the heavens and a deep voice said to him "Not yet my son, listen very carefully: what you have to do is; run up to the chief of the tribe, kick him in the nuts, and take his spear. As soon as you take his spear, ...

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Paris, 1940: A nazi squad enter into an apartment and begin to search for the hidden family.

The soldiers manage to find the dad, the mom and the son, but the daughter remains unfound.

The nazi officer suddenly hears a cough under the children's bed.

He looks under and find the little girl.

With a smile on his face, he tand his hand to help her come out the bedframe....

Cardi B’s search on Spotify jumped by 750%

After Spotify introduced the ‘Don’t play this artist’ option.

A wife tells her husband that she's discovered his secret fetish via his search history...

"It was a weird one for sure," she says, "but I think I can make it work without being too embarrassed, as long as you don't film it." He accepts.

Later that night, he asks her if she wants to try it. She smiles, begins to undress, and goes "SKIPPITY BEE BOP BEE BOP DUP-A DUAAA"

I invited my girlfriend of 3 months to a party for my 13 year old nephew. She let out an audible "awww," told me how sweet I was and that my invitation meant the world to her.

Should've seen the look on her face when I told her it was a search party.

My grandfather died and I inherited some of his clothes.

He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens. My grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens on them.

After a few...

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I like my porn just how I like my search history

Disabled.

A car breaks down in the desert. The driver goes in search of help, carrying the car door.

So that if it gets too hot he can open the window.

How do blind people start a word search?

Usually by getting a feel for it first.

eBay is so pointless

I tried to search up lighters and all they had was 18,063 matches

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Easy way to search your wife.

A man approached a very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and said,
"I've lost my wife here in the supermarket."
"Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

The woman looked puzzled.
"Why talk to me?" she asked.

"Because every time I talk to a woman with t...

Why did the police search Santa's sleigh

They had probable Claus

A blonde walks into a bank in search of a $5000 loan

A blonde walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5000 loan.

The banker asks "Okay miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?"

The woman replies "Yes, of course. I would like to use my Rolls Royce."

The banker, stunned, asks, "A $250,0...

A policeman said he wanted to search my car.

"You won't find any drugs," I told him.

He said, "You don't sound sure about that."

I said, "Trust me, I looked earlier."

If you do a Google search for "lost mideivel servant boy"

It will tell you "this Page cannot be found."

What's the difference between a quality microwave and someone who knows a quality search engine when they see it?

the microwave goes Bing.

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Did you know the most commonly used search term on Google is "butt plug"?

Well, it's not. I just pulled that out of my ass.

Where can you hide so no one can ever find you?

Reddit's search function

A police officer goes to a farm with a search warrant...

He shows the farmer the search warrant and tells him that he has the order to search for something unusual on the farm.

The farmer is confused and asks him: "Why here on my farm? Did something happen?"

The police officer just answers: "I am not allowed to tell you but I am allowed to s...

I couldn’t find a good joke on my first Google search.

It took me a second to get it.

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One of my drill sergeants favorite stories

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he he...

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I was subject to a full cavity search by the authorities yesterday.

I would say it was hands *down* the shittiest part of my life, but...

A Russian spy enters the White House in search of intelligence.

He had to return home empty handed.

IamA Bing search engine AMA

Please. Just ask me something.

That's the 10th cavity search I've preformed on a minor just today!

Busy day for a dentist!

Two FBI agents search an office and find a hard drive with "KGB" on it...

One of the agents asks the other, "Why didn't they just write '1 TB' instead?"

A son goes up to his dad one morning

He says”I’m starting a search service!” His dad, impressed, goes “That’s a great idea! Just look how well companies like Google and Bing are doing!” The son replies “Oh no dad, not that type of search engine. I’ll find things around the house for you. For example, five dollars, I’ll find your readin...

Lame search

Guy dies of heart attack and goes straight to the line that leads to the gates of heaven. When in there, the guy immediately behind him asks him: hey, what did you die of? He says: oh, I got earlier from work at home, saw some man’s clothes in my house, thought my wife was cheating on me and started...

Random Drug search

A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look m...

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In search of perfection [NSFW]

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend. When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she was a drama queen...

A Search Engine Optimization expert walks into a bar...

pub, tavern, inn, taproom, drinkery, public house, beer garden, beer, alcohol.

What does the Reddit search bar and my father have in common?

They're both white and don't work!

I used Bing to search something the other day.

That's it. That's the whole joke.

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What's the biggest difference between Google and Pornhub?

I'm willing to go to the 2nd page of search results on Pornhub.

What's the most searched word on Bing?

Google

What is the most commonly searched term on Internet Explorer?

Google Chrome.

What search engine is best for finding lewd pictures?

Yahooters

I used to think I was descended from the Irish but thanks to a search on Ancestry.com…

…it turns out I'm just a drunk…

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Because my search history gets send to advertisement companies..

Since I have been browsing r/incels I have stopped getting dating ads.

The search for the Pacific Ocean

9 years ago, a teacher asked a kid if he knew where the pacific ocean was. He replied, "No miss! I'm not aware of the location of the pacific ocean." The teacher furious, asked him to get out and not come back to his class till he knew the location of the pacific ocean.

The boy, distraught, y...

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I tried to google image search Rorschach tests...

but all I could find were pictures of boobs.

There's a new search engine being developed for infants

Google Ga Ga

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A committee has narrowed the search for a name for the newly hypothesised 9th planet.

It's between Urpenis and Urvagina.

What is the scariest part of a cavity search?

When they put both their hands on your shoulders but keep searching

Have you ever seen the serial number that is printed on every condom?

No? Oh, you must not have needed to unroll it that far...

Full disclosure: I searched and although this joke is definitely a repost, it's been about a year since the last time so I took an executive decision to post it again.

I submitted a great joke about Reddit's search functionality a while back.

I can't find it now.

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