It's Jokes - 113 Hilarious It's Jokes

It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub. It's a 30 minute walk from the pub to my house.

The difference is staggering.

Me: "Squirting isn't real, right? It's just urine, right?"

Interviewer: "I meant any questions about the job"

A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides

The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people, the second is humbler, but has its fair share of wealth and power. The third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army.

The kingdoms eventually go to war over control of the lake, as it's a valuable r...

It's a good thing Elon didn't acquire Reddit, otherwise

(Your post was removed by Reddit admins, and your account was suspended)

It's quite ironic that "strap on"…

…backwards, spells 'no parts'…

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This is my absolute favorite "so bad it's good" joke

A man went to the doctor with a horrible itch in his ass. After an examination, the doctor gave him his diagnosis:

\- You have an enormous tapeworm in there. This is not a matter of normal treatment, so my advice to you is to insert a boiled egg in your anus followed by a gummy bear. Call me ...

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.

You see, it used to get cold outside

God created childbirth to give women the chance to experience what it's like...

For a guy to catch a cold....

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It's strange to see Christians advocating abstinence only sex education...

According to their own religion, even abstinence isn't 100% effective.

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When 2 people have sex it's called a twosome. When 3 people do it it's called a threesom

I guess that's why they call me handsome...

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It's a healthy relationship

My wife told me that she wanted to give me a deepthroat blowjob today.

"Really!" I exclaimed.

"No," She said, "April Foogargagggrraggggle."

That'll teach her to try and be funny...

"IT'S A BOY!! IT'S A BOY!!" he cried with teary eyes. At that very moment he vowed...

.. to never visit Thailand again!

It's a shame nothing is built in the USA anymore....

Just bought a T.V. and it said, "Built in Antenna".

I don't even know where that is!!

What do you call a dragon without its silver?

Dr\_ \_on

It's a stupid science joke that lives in my head rent free.

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I don't have sex with my sister because it's unacceptable and gross.

I have sex with her because it's kinky.

What walks on 8 legs until it's one years old, 4 legs until it's twenty years old and then 2 legs for the remainder of it's life?

Fred and George Weasley.

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Adam Sandler told the funniest joke I've ever heard. It's about Shaq.

So Sandler relays the story below:

I was playing basketball and got the opportunity to play with Shaq. It was great. Afterward it just so happens that I'm in the showers and it's just him and me in adjoining showers. So I think to myself, I've got to see his penis. This is my one chance. I've...

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It's absurd to compare Donald Trump to Adolf Hitler

Hitler volunteered for the army.

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What organ can expand to 10 times it's size...

What organ can expand to 10 times it's size...

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered so the teacher picked on a random student

Little Mary stood up and said, "You shoul...

Batman: "It's been a long day. Alfred, please fill up the bathtub."

Alfred: "Master Bruce, what's a htub?"

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It's 2am and the doorbell rings.

I run down stairs and open the door. There's a bloke there looking a bit desperate and says, "I know it's really late, but can you give me a push". I tell him to piss off and I go back to bed.

Wife asks who it was - I tell her. She says I'm a right cunt for not helping and I should give him a...

When Trump borrows $1,000,000 from his dad it's a small loan

But when he donates that much money to Texas, it's a yuuuge contribution

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.

I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

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It's odd that Thelma & Louise spend an entire film challenging sexist stereotypes,

then die at the end because of their terrible driving.

I asked my Chinese friend what it's like living in China

He says he can't complain.

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It's amazing how Seasons work. I'm in Japan, it's mid December and I'm freezing...

But apparently back in England it's the end of May.

(Edit: an article or the two)

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Convincing your girlfriend that she's crazy is called gaslighting and it's a dick move.

Convincing her that she's a robot with artificial intelligence and implanted memories is called bladerunning and it's a Philip K. Dick move.

How does an Apple Watch owner know that it's midday?

It's already run out of battery.

It's easy to convince ladies not to eat tide pods.

But it's harder to deter gents.

I'll let myself out.

It's okay password...

...I'm insecure too...

My wife caught me cross-dressing and said it's over.

So I packed her things and left.

It's the end of the 2016 Presidential race

The people of the US hated all the candidates so much that no one voted. The government is in a panic, trying to figure out what to do to decide who the next president will be.
Finally, Barack Obama comes up with an idea:
A literal presidential race. The three candidates would run a lap aroun...

I absolutely HATE when people make a post subtly implying it's their cake day, just so people can wish them.

You won't catch me doing that today.

It's obvious Bill Gates didn't create COVID

none of his other products are able to release new versions this frequently

"Who's Sisyphus?" she asks. You begin to respond: "it's this myth about a guy being punished in the underworld where he has to-"

Her phone rings.

"One second," she says. A few minutes later, she prompts you to continue: "I'm sorry, I cut you off."

You start again. "Sisyphus is a-"

Her phone rings again. "Sorry, one sec."

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If your phone auto corrects "fuck" to "duck," it's okay to keep it

It's still fowl language

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It's going to be easy for Trump to build that wall...

... everyone's shitting bricks everywhere

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It's a hot day at the end of summer, and ...

A man walks into a local ice cream parlor and looks at the menu and orders a single scoop of chocolate ice cream.

Employee: "Sorry, we're all out of chocolate ice cream today."

Customer: " Awhhh... well, okay." "Umm... lemme get a double scoop of chocolate ice cream." ...

It's so cold outside

I saw a politican with his hands in his own pockets.

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8 years ago today, I shared the worst joke I ever created. I reposted it 4 years ago. Here it is again for those that missed it.

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to g...

I quit my job to start a cloning business and it's been great,

I love being my own boss.

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[NSFW] Whenever I have sex, it's a race to see who comes first

Me or the police.

It's my cake day, so I wanna share my favorite joke :-)

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party. He is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

He forced himself to ...

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It's said that guys with big feet have big penises, and guys with big cars have small penises

Now I understand why so many people are afraid pf clowns

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A cowboy walks into the bar, only to find it's empty.

Only the bartended, polishing a glass, is behind the bar.

"Where's everyone at?" Asks the cowpoke.

"At the hangin'." Bartender says.

"Hangin'?!" The cowboy asks. "Hadn't heard. Who are they stringing up?"

"The Brown Paper Kid."

"The Brown Paper Kid?"

"That...

It's a good thing Gatorade was developed at the University of Florida as opposed to Florida State

Seminole Fluid doesn't sound quite as good.

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Please ignore the English errors. It's my fourth language.

Genie: I see you're short. Would you like to increase your height?

Me: Yes, please! I would give anything to increase my height.

Genie: Alright then, for every inch I increase your height, I'll reduce an inch of your penis. So, by how much do you want to increase your height?

Me...

I bought a sail for my boat on Amazon the other day. Today it dawned on me that it's not the right size so I called to cancel. They said it's too late.

That sail has shipped.

I've been cheating on my girlfriend with her twin, but it's OK because I can tell them apart.

Brian has a moustache.

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A perfectly normal couple has a baby, but, very unexpectedly, the baby is born without arms. Or legs. Or even a body. It's just a head...

Nevertheless, the couple embrace their roles as parents and, as unusual as it is, they raise their baby, trying to make his life as normal as possible. Obviously, it's a struggle, but they manage... and they love and treat their son like any other normal kid. Well, as much as possible.

On the...

I call my wife Bambi. She thinks it's because she's cute with big brown eyes...

But in reality it's because I want someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle

It's my Cakeday! 8 Years on Reddit!

My life is the joke.

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Why is it that when a guy can't find a girl's clit, it's the guy's fault

But when a girl can't find a guy's penis, somehow that's also the guy's fault?

My flat-earther friend decided to walk to the end of the world to prove it's flat!

In the end, he came around.

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It's also mine

Interviewer: How much milk do these cows give?

Farmer: Which one? The Black one or the brown one?

Interviewer: Brown one.

Farmer: A couple of litres per day.

Interviewer: And the black one?

Farmer: A couple of litres per day.

Interviewer(naturally a bit flum...

It's my cake day today, so I'll give you one of my favourite jokes.

What do you call an Irish man bouncing off the walls?

Rick O Shea

"Waiter, my soup is cold!" "It's gazpacho"

"Gazpacho, my soup is cold!"

It's incredible how many French words are now used in the English language

There's 'Hors D'oeuvres' for starters.

My Chinese wife never understands what I want when I say "69". It's getting really frustrating.

On the other hand, I do like beef with broccoli in sweet and sour sauce.

This one is so old it's been carbon-dated.

A farmer was out working in his field one day when a carload of politicians came flying by. They were going too fast for the curve and turned over in the ditch. Later the sheriff stopped by and asked the farmer if he has seen the car.

"Yep" replied the farmer.

"Where are they?" a...

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It's funny how Jews, Christians and Muslims have fought each other for centuries.

Hindus, on the other hand, never had any beef.

I call my girlfriend Bambi. She thinks it's because she's cute.

I just really hope her mom gets shot.

Do you remember when air was free at the gas station, and now it's $1.50? You know why?

Inflation

Holy smokes this blew up, THANK YOU all for the awards and the silver!!

"It's a boy", David shouted, "It's a BOY!" With tears rolling down his eyes, David came running out of the room.

And never visited Bangkok again.

It's my cake day, so one of my favorite jokes ... A sixteen year-old boy came home with a brand new Ford F150.

His parents look at the truck and ask, "Where did you get that truck?!"

"I bought it today," he says. "With what money?" says his mother. They knew what a new F150 cost.

"Well," he says, "this one cost me just fifteen dollars."

The father looks at him like he's crazy. "Who wo...

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It's the time of the French Revolution and they're doing their usual daily beheadings..

Today they're leading a priest, a prostitute and an engineer up to the guillotine.

They ask the priest if he wants to be face up or face down when he meets his fate. The priest says that he would like to be face up so he will be looking toward heaven when he dies. They raise the blade of the ...

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A Jew walks into a church to see what it's all about

Before the pastor begins his sermon he exclaims: "Jews are not welcomed in this church! All Jews must leave immediately".

The Jew gets up, walks to the podium on which is standing a magnificent statue of Jesus, picks it up and says: "come on Yossle we are not welcomed here"

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A blonde walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her handbag, took a measurement and announced, "Twenty one...

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"No, it's too expensive."

A man saw a lady with big breasts. He asked, "Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000?" She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner.

She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes." Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?" He replies, "No, it...

Bartender: this scotch is my favorite, it's aged twenty fi----

Leonardo DiCaprio: [spits it out]

A man went skydiving for the first time. "It's easy," said the instructor.

"Just count to five and pull on the main chute," the instructor continued. "If that doesn't open, count to ten and pull on the reserve chute."

"Super easy," he concluded. "Then you'll float slowly to the ground, and our bus will be there to drive you back to the airport."

The man j...

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I tried to explain to my 4 year old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants.

But he's not buying it, in fact he's still making fun of me.
Edit: Thanks for the karma, and damn Reddit is not shy about telling internet strangers they pooped in their pants.
Edit 2: Thank you kind stranger for giving me my first gold on a poop joke, I wouldn't have expected it any other...

It's only quarantine if it comes from the quarantine region of France;

otherwise, it's just sparkling isolation

I've been dating this homeless chick for a while now and it's starting to get serious.

She asked me to move out with her.

Chuck Norris joke, cause it's been a while

Chuck Norris pull the pin in a grenade, threw it, killed 50 men, and then the grenade exploded.

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I just sold viagra to a guy who thinks it's adderal.

He's going to have a very hard test tomorrow.

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A husband and wife are having issues in the bedroom. The wife can't orgasm because it's too damn hot.

They See A Sex Therapist, And He Recommends That They Have A Constant Supply Of Cool Air In The Bedroom, So The Man Asks His Best Friend To Waft A Towel While He And His Wife Make Love.

Begrudgingly, The Friend Submits And Says Yes.

After 20 Minutes Of Lovemaking, The Woman Is No C...

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This is a joke I wrote myself. It’s long, but I think it’s pretty good, personally…

This is a story about three friends who had known each other their whole lives.

They did everything together. You could not find one without the other two nearby. But, as so often happens, after graduation, they all went their separate ways. One of the friends went on to become a very success...

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almost forgot it was my cake day! here's my favorite joke. it's not about cake

On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse s...

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It's Bill and Hillary Clinton's fiftieth anniversary...

As they sat over a candle lit dinner, Hillary made a confession. "Bill," she says. "You know that box in the basement you told me never to open?"
"Yes" says Bill.
"It had been bothering me for years and finally curiosity won over. I opened it."
Bill sighed in disappointment. Hillary asked...

A sign on a restaurant window says "If you order it and we don't have it, you instantly win one million dollars"

A man walking by notices the sign and walks in the restaurant and sits down at the table with a smirk on his face. The waiter asks what he will be having and the man says "I will have white rhinoceros stew please." The waiter comes out with a boiling hot bowl of exactly what the man ordered. The man...

It's midnight and a woman awakes to find her husband not in bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye.

"What's the matter, dear...

Alabama has reported more deaths than births for the first time in it's history

Makes sense considering family get togethers have been restricted

It's been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress.

Tomorrow I'm going there in person to see what's really going on.

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"Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?" "Rhino!"

"We know you know the answer, Scooby, but it's not your turn!"

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It's three days before prom, and Billy realizes he still hasn't gotten his tux yet...

It's three days before prom, and Billy realizes he still hasn't gotten his tux yet. So, he goes all the way downtown to the tux store and when he opens the door there's a huge long tux line. Apparently everyone in town waited until the last possible minute to rent a tux, which shouldn't be that surp...

A radiator is essentially a vital organ to a car, so it's kinda weird that the town in the movie Cars is called "Radiator Springs."

That’s like humans having a city called “Liver Pool.”

A man walks into a bar and notices a jar filled with $10 bills. He asks the bartender what it's for, and the bartender explains,

"We have a challenge here. If you can complete three tasks, you get all the money in the jar."
Intrigued, the man asks what the tasks are.
The bartender says, "First, you have to drink an entire gallon of hot sauce without crying. Second, there's a pit bull out back with a bad tooth, and you h...

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I'm divorcing my wife. First it was the poolboy, then the mailman, her ex-boyfriend, and my best friend. It's pretty clear...

I just really love dick.

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It's a well-known fact that Hitler...

It's a well-known fact that Hitler often consulted astrologists and people involved in the occult to get direction while Germany fought in World War II.

One day he decided to thank his chief astrologer and called him into his office to say, "we've done really well in the war and I'm grateful...

Upon Arriving Home, A Husband Was Met At The Door By His Sobbing Wife Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him,

"Now, just a minute, please listen to my side of it...
This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went withou...

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I have just started a sexual relationship with a blind woman. It's very rewarding, but quite challenging.

Took me ages to get her husband's voice right.

Don't judge a book by it's cover.

A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents. They’re appalled by his haircut, his tattoos and his piercings.

Later, the girl’s mom says, “Dear, he doesn’t seem to be a very nice boy.”

“Oh, please, Mom!” says the daughter. “If he wasn’t nice, would he be doi...

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An Englishman is hiking in Scotland and he pauses to drink from a stream. A passing shepherd calls out "Dinnae drink frae that, it's all fulla coo piss an shite!"

The Englishman says to him in a cut-glass accent "I'm terribly sorry, my good fellow, would you very much mind repeating that in the Queen's English?"

And the shepherd says "I'm terribly sorry sir, I was only asking if you would like to borrow this tin cup and get a proper drink?"

If a male video game character squats on a downed opponent it's called "Tea Bagging" when a female character does it it's called...

"Clam Dipping"

It's been confirmed that debris is from the Titan. Just when the jokes were beginning to subside

looks like they'll be resurfacing.

My laptop was making funny noises today, it sounded like it was singing...

Probably because it's a Dell

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The only good joke I know, and it's about blind people

Two guys are walking their dogs and come across a bar. One of them smiles. "shit yeah, let's get wasted!" he says. The other guy isn't sure. "I dunno, man. I don't want to leave my dog outside around these parts." "Dude, relax. Just follow my lead."

The first guy puts on some sunglasses, then...

Doctor: It's a boy. But I'm sorry your wife didn't make it.

Me: No thanks, Give me the one she made.

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It's Dale's last day as a postman

25 years he's been delivering the mail to the same neighborhood. When it was time to retire, he let everyone know ahead of time, that way if there was an issue with their mail, they new it would be a new letter carrier. As he made his way along his route, he found little going away gifts from some t...

Yo momma so fat, it wasn't the stork that brought her

It was the crane!

Doctor: "Don't worry Dave, it's just a small operation"

Patient: "but doc my name's not Dave!"

Doctor: "I know, it's my name"

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I think you'll like this joke, even though it's a little long

An Elderly Irish lady visits her physician
To ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.
"What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor.
"Not a chance" she replied. "He won't even take an aspirin".
"Not a problem," said the doctor. "Give him an Irish Viagra.”
"What on Earth is Iri...

A man at the bar realizes it's getting late and pays his tab to go home

As he tries to get off the stool, he immediately falls flat on his face. "Uh oh, I must have drunk more than I thought," he thinks.

He manages to drag himself over to the front door and pull himself upright, but as soon as he takes a step outside, he falls on his face again.
"Hoo boy, I r...

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TIL that Kim Kardashian's giant ass has it's own birth certificate, and even has a legal name:

Kanye

Yeah, it's a math joke

17: Hey 11, want to hear a joke?

11: Sure.

17: What did one prime number say to the other prime number?

11: I give up.

17: "I can't even."

11 and 17 together: HAHAHA!!!!!

2: I don't get it.

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A police officer stopped me and searched my pockets. Found a bag of weed. "What have we here?" "It's not mine officer." He scoffs.

"I'm serious! I was cursed by a leprechaun, you know what scallywags they are. Now, every single time I flush this chronic down the toilet it magically reappears in my pocket."
"Bullshit."
"Try me!"
He frowns, but follows me as we head to the bathroom in this cafe. I take out the cannabis a...

My wife bought a new bra, it's really hard to unhook.

I don't know why I put it on in the first place.

Today I wrote my first fully original joke. It's bad.

So there was once this one giant who had magic powers. So the giant being so tall and heavy was afraid of storing things on the floor because he would sometimes step on them and break them without realizing it.

After enough times of that happening he decided he would use his magic to just ma...

Why does England feel like it's two months ahead of us?

It's only March 28th here, but in England it feels like it's the end of May.

A hunting joke ( read full it's totally worth it)

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Alberta. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a...

It's 364 days until christmas.

And people already have their lights up!

when you're dead you don't know it. It's only painful to others.

The same thing is true if you're stupid.

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