My grandfather says I'm too reliant on technology...

So I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

I just started a 2 month break from technology.

I started an hour ago. It's working out nicely so far.

​

Edit 1, 5/15/19: Dude I've never stuck to a goal this much.

A blonde entered a technology and appliance store to purchase a new TV.

When she found one she liked, she brought it to the cashier, saying “I would like to buy this TV, please.”

The cashier replied, “sorry, but I don’t sell to blondes.”

Discouraged and still determined to buy the TV, she went to the salon, dyed her hair brown, and returned to the same sto...

It's a lot of rubbish when people talk about "how good" modern kids are these days with technology.

My grandson is staying for the weekend, and he looks absolutely clueless with my VCR and VHS tapes.

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- hey man, do you think technology one day will replace paper.

- Nah. I don't think so. It'll be hard to clean your ass with a phone.

My grandfather once told me, “your generation is too reliant on technology!”

“You’re goddamn right”, I said as I remotely hacked into his life support system and disabled it via my smart watch

Technology is crazy these days

We now have smartphones, wireless TVs, and tablets.
When I was a kid we had to blow everything. The Nintendo cartridge, the mouse with that ball inside, the priest.

Old scissors both are and aren't cutting edge technology.

Facts.

I told my husband I’m going gradually cut back my dependence on technology in 2019.

I’m starting with the vacuum cleaner, washer/dryer and iron.

When in future, technology figures out how to brighten our homes without light bulbs,

I will be delighted

I feel that if we send people to Mars, we should dismantle the old rovers for their technology.

Otherwise we’ll miss a hell of an Opportunity.

I introduced science and technology to the frogs in my neighborhood in an attempt to uplift their species.

All of my neighbors are mad at me now because now the frogs only say “rivet”.

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Whoever said technology would replace paper....

has clearly never tried wiping their butt with an iPad.

Day after day we're getting more addicted to technology

my uncle for example spends 6 our each day on a hemodialysis machine

I have convinced my grandma that the baby boomers are as dependent on technology as us.

When she said " you millenials are so addicted to technology" I quickly glanced at her life support. That was the last time she said it.

A big internet company now renders donkeys with open-source technology

It's called "Google GL ass"

In the future, if technology makes it possible to replace human limbs

And its common enough that you can buy them in stores, will midgets go to small arms dealers?

Did you hear the Russians have began funding and creating technology to compromise and undermine the USA’s recent Central American initiatives?

They have created a ladder

What do you call "wisdom of technology"?

Techknowledgey

Recent mobile phone technology has linked up with micro chip brain implant technology so that when your phone rings it can immediately connect without making a ringing sound.

It just won the Nobel peace prize.

Did you hear about the new Jack-Hammer Technology?

It was groundbreaking.

My grandpa said "your life revolves too much around technology.

Then I said, "no, yours does." Then I unplugged his life support.

Modern technology has never matched the simplicity and grace of the traditional pen.

In fact, you could say that there is still no e-quill.

New technology uses bacteria to power a laptop

I guess you could say the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the dell

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We now have the technology to build a new penis.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The man ...

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3 of the worlds best athletes go to Japan to test out their new toilet technology

Ones British, ones French and the other is American, so they get to Japan and they're greeted by a scientist and he shows them the toilet and says, go in, take a shit and it will be the best shit in your life, so the British guy goes first and comes back and says my god that was the greatest shit I ...

I'm sick of these complicated Gillette 3 and 4 blade razors with vibrating heads, "cooling" technology, and pivoting heads etc...

...But I've always been a firm believer in Occam's razor.

I've finally discovered why it takes so long to develop self-driving vehicle technology.

The first cars equipped with it have to turn 16 before any real development can begin.

Did you know that the Spanish-speaking population of Canada knows how to unplug from technology once in a while, do nothing, and learn to be bored with their free time?

That's right, they can nada.

Why do jocks hate new technology?

They don't like betas.

Technology is like the woman I desire.

It's moving fast and I can't keep up

Technology...

Two guys... Hey do you think that someday technology will replace paper?... Well I think it will be quite hard to wipe with a tablet...

A long time ago, a spanish civilization was extremely advanced in technology.

In fact, their technology was so advanced in their current time period that they were thought to be using magic. While others built their shelters out of sticks, they built their shelters out of adobe bricks. While others cooked with fire pits, they cooked with electric stoves. While others fought w...

I make fun of my parents for not knowing how to use new technology

But then again, I googled how to boil an egg

I used to work in restaurants before switching to information technology...

... The biggest difference is that the phrase "my server went down on me" is no longer a good thing.

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology:

"And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement...

I'm beginning to worry about my obsession with technology.

I told my doctor, "I think I'm addicted to Twitter."
He replied, "I don't follow you."

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician.

He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician... "Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you ...

My grandfather once said that we're starting to rely way too much on technology; that it's important we remind ourselves to live without it. I honestly had to agree with him.

So, I unplugged his life support.

I hear North Korea is coming out with some new cloning technology...

I can't wait to meet Kim Jong-deux.

The Irish are really far behind with technology...

Their bombs still have four wheels and a motor.

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50 Of the best Offensive Jokes of all time! (Dont click if easily offended)

You may have already seen a few, these are my personal favorites:
1_What's the difference between Paul Walker and a computer? I give a fuck when my computer crashes.
2_My Grandpa said, "Your generation relies too much on technology!" I replied, "No, your generation relies too much on technolog...

A french, an english and a german general are talking about submarine technology

The French general tells them their submarines can stay underwater for three days.

The British says theirs can stay submerged for 180 days

Suddenly a submarine comes up. A man comes out and shouts: "SIEG HEIL. Wir brauchen Sprit!"

What's the difference between a car salesman and a technology salesman?

The car salesman knows he is lying.

My grandfather told me that teenagers have become so lazy because of technology.

"They're not the only ones," I said, looking at his mobility scooter.

I'm really pleased to see a surge of interest in Information Technology.

Some of the most popular videos on YouTube right now are about IT!

My girlfriend complained that there should be more women in technology

So I put her in my new smart fridge

I am sorry

There was once a man who always bought the latest Iphones. He had been buying since the first Iphone. Every time he bought one, he would take it to a nearby bar and start banging it relentlessly on the corner of the table.

This occurred many times but no one ever questioned him, everyone at ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

ISIS has reportedly acquired a shitload of cutting edge weapons technology from the Korean black market.

Recent photographs suggest that the technology is known to have an Iris Scanner, S Pen, a 12 MP primary camera and a really mindBLOWING battery life.

Technology.( Based on true events)

My apple watch reminded me to take a minute to breathe right after my grandfather let one rip.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two Guys Are Playing Tennis, One Said To The Other...

Maan! My elbow hurts like hell, what should I do about it?? His friend quickly replied, well you could just go down to that new drug store they just built not far from here. They’ve got this, NEW technology, and boy is it amazing— there’s a machine in there that you just put a sample of pee in a tub...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The future of technology (long)

Bill Gates, Andy Grove, and Jerry Sanders (Heads of Microsoft, Intel, and Advanced Micro Devices) were in a high-powered business meeting. During the serious, tense discussion, a beeping noise suddenly is emitted from where Jerry is sitting. Jerry says, "Oh, that's my beeper. Gentlemen, excuse me, I...

First joke I've ever come up with. So far nobody has laughed

I went to the opticians and they were telling me about revolutionary technology to allow us to see out of different parts such as our arms, nose and even our ass. Intrigued, I asked "when will this technology would be available?" The optician replied "arm and nose is coming in 2019, hindsight is 20...

Information Technology cannibals

Five cannibals get selected as programmers in an IT company. During the welcoming ceremony the boss says: "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and if you are hungry, you can go to the company cafeteria for something to eat. So don't bother the other employees". The canniba...

Limits Of Technology

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I wish dicks were more like technology

So I could brag about how small mine is

French Revolution Jokes.

Robespierre was killed in a *split* second.

I guess King Louis XVI failed to get *a-head* of his competition.

The guillotine was *cutting edge* technology at the time.

Execution was a form of capital *PUNishment.*

If only Robespierre was spelt like *Robespare*.

Wha...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What didn't the Japanese understand nuclear missile technology?

It was a little over their heads

Why were the garden shears so advanced ?

Because they used cutting-hedge technology

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One dayBill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt.

His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothi...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Obsolete Technologies

A man is sitting in a recliner watching television when he asks his wife to pass the newspaper.

She starts barking at him,"Why don't you learn how to use this iPad? You're never going to get better at technology if you don't start using it for some of the simple things."

Considering hi...

Did you hear about the man who spent his whole life trying to perfect cloning technology?

When it finally happened, he was beside himself.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

At the peak of the cold war the Russians started a project to mass produce war robots.

The plan was divided into 4 stages, in the first stage the scientists were tasked to perfect the technology of remotely controlling the robots.

The second stage was giving the robots a perfectly humanoid stucture and give them the ability to perfectly copy human actions.

T...

We have technology which allows people to see through walls.

We call them windows.

The Computer Nerd and His Apprentice

So, I have a story about a wise old computing nerd and his new technological apprentice. He wanted to tell his young child some core life morals, as well as teach about old technology.

The wise man first showed the kid a polaroid camera. The kid quickly took it, and snapped a photo, but was v...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The year: 2029. A brilliant scientist is constructing the first sentient artificial intelligence.

He's working out of his garage in San Francisco, living on charitable donations from his worried friends. He dropped out of college when he realized he could change the world — there's no going back; his life is dedicated to this project. At first, he is met with failure upon failure. But then, he r...

Canada got it all wrong!

So Canada got it all wrong. I mean, they had the opportunity to have American technology, British culture and French cuisine, but went with American culture, British cuisine and French technology!

Heard this about 20 years ago and it still makes me chuckle. Can’t beat a good stereotype!

The first picture of a black hole was released today

but technology will need another century before it can capture an image of your mom.

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