UPJOKE
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My grandad said us teenagers rely to much on technology

So I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support

Which sound system technology do the Malfoys use?

Dobby Atmos

I know the Vatican doesn't like modern technology, but when they elect a Pope, why don't they do more tweets?

They are Cardinals, after all.

Technology is dominated by two types of people:

Those who understand what they do not manage and those who manage what they do not understand.

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We now have the technology to build a new penis.

Doctor Cohen comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The m...

Google fired an employee who claimed their technology was sentient.

Which is sad, because he was Chrome's only friend.

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Elon Musk wants to start a university called the ‘Texas Institute of Technology & Science and an affiliate called Austin School of Science

To be known as TITS and ASS

Technology is the death of us

DEAR NEIGHBOR:


Hi, George. This is Richard, next door. I've a confession to make. I've been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. At least I'm telling you in this text. I can't live with myself a minute longer without your...

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A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:

"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uni...

Sometimes cows are moved by plane and while they have the technology, the cows are never airdropped in.

Because the steaks are too high.

There's a University called the National University of Science and Technology

It's not called the National University of Technology and Science, because that would be NUTS.

Bill Gates is hanging out with GM's Chairman...

Gates is in a taunting mood. "If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades," boasts Gates, "you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds a...

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Inspired by post on reddit/ technology

Police stop a guy.
-Name
Wankbreak
-Excuse me?
Wankbreak....Fred Wankbreak.
-Listen mate you're coming down to the station if you carry on like that.
No seriously I work in the Warehouse over there give them a ring they'll vouch for me.
Cop sighs but can do without the paperwork...

Who was the first person that was used technology?

Moses. He had two tablets that where connected to the cloud.

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My Technology Is Better Than Yours

Three men - an American, a Japanese and an Irishman - were sitting naked in a sauna.

Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly.

"That was my pager," he said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my...

Costco Doctor

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, John says to Scott, “My elbow hurts like hell.

I guess I'd better see a doctor."

“Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Scott replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer ...

A horse is sitting at home, watching MTV...

He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"

The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.

"Sure," says the m...

Did you hear about the axe that could cut trees instantly ?

It’s cutting hedge technology

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

An astronaut lands on an alien world.

Once upon a time an astronaut landed on an alien world. The world was full of trees and plants and wildlife. But one species in particular caught his eye. Short and round with huge feet, they were kind. They sang songs all day, drank, and made merry. After observing them from afar for many days, the...

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Technology is getting more and more invasive in our lives. Today my smart watch sent me a notification tell me to stand, while I was on the toilet.

And I just thought: “I don’t need to stand for this shit!”

Scissors are a beautifully simplistic piece of technology.

Their invention was nothing but shear genius.

In the 1930s, the Italians developed an engine fuel technology that used household spices.

It’s true. Mussolini made the trains run on thyme

A horse had a life long dream of playing the guitar

So there was a horse, and this horse always had a dream of playing the guitar.

So the horse calls up a music shop and he says, “Hey, I want to learn how to play the guitar.”

The music shop employee goes “That’s great we’ll set you up for music lessons.”

The horse responds “We...

A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he's lost.

A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he's lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?" The man below says: "Yes. You're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."...

My friend told me that I am behind times on technology

I was so shocked I almost dropped my nokia 3310

A job interview

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer ...

Priests nowadays...

...have embraced technology. The have youtube channels, twitter, facebook and instagram accounts. And they just don't exorcise anymore, they uninstall demos.

Amish users of reddit, what is it like going about your day to day life without technology?

Hello?
Hello?
Anyone there?

My grandparents think that I depend too much on technology.

They always talk about how much my generation depends on technology, and my grandfather always mentions it whenever I visit them, so then I replied, “no, your generation depends too much on technology.”

Then I unplugged his life support.

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I made a huge breakthrough in toilet paper technology this morning

So now I have to wash the crap off my fingers

It's really nice to see Churches embrace internet technology during this pandemic.

Our priest even bought my son his own Webcam.

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Whoever said technology will replace paper

..has obviously never tried to wipe their ass with an iPad!

Stephen King

I still think it's weird his most popular book is about Information Technology.

Cyberpunk 2077 has created a story about corporate interests crushing people under the weight of commodification and dehumanisation, with high tech stakes about a world full of technology gone awry.

The game has similar themes.

[An Old Joke from my Grandpa] An Indian Archeologist goes China to meet his Archeologist friend.

Chinese man takes him to his working site, After digging for a while they found some electrical wires buried underground.

Chinese Guy: (to the Indian guy) Look, these wires look ancient, Unlike you Indians, we Chinese were so advanced back then that we used electrical technologies.

Ind...

Modern technology has never matched the simplicity and grace of the traditional pen.

In fact, you could say that there is still no e-quill.

It is said that there are 2 constants, taxes and death. but with coming technology it may be possible to remove one!

That's right, Death!

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If Microsoft made cars.

Disclaimer: This Joke was made in the 1990's in response to comments that if the automobile industry kept pace with Silicone Valley cars would be much more advanced. The origin is the Mid 1990's
However at close retrospect some of this now happens.





At a computer expo (...

New technology uses bacteria to power a laptop

I guess you could say the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the dell

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I swear autocorrect is amazing.

No that's not what I said, I meant to say autocorrect is wonderful.

No! That's not it either. Autocorrect is a piece of technology I couldn't live without. Praise autocorrect.

Oh you gotta be kidding me. No one likes you autocorrect, they love you.

I didn't even type that.
<...

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What do you call a man cooking stir-fry in a Japanese technology company?

Sony wok man.

They are developing a brand new fan technology

It's so cool

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What is another name for Male Sex Toys or Technology you use?

Erectronics

What technology company was named after its founders genitalia?

Microsoft

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what do you call it when a circumsision clinic gets new technology

Cutting edge technology

Never thought I'd see a day where technology is so advanced you can watch a movie at home with the same experience,

But here VR

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It's a good thing technology can't unblur images and video

Because if it could, Japanese porn stars would clearly be fucked

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A man is in a car accident and when he wakes up in hospital his wife is at his bedside while the doctor gives him some bad news.

"I'm afraid I have some bad news" says the doctor, "you're fine except for one thing, your penis was badly injured and we had to amputate it.. however, the good news is your insurance has paid out £6,000 for this injury and we have the technology to give you a fully functional prosthetic penis, now,...

I used to work in restaurants before switching to information technology...

... The biggest difference is that the phrase "my server went down on me" is no longer a good thing.

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My girlfriend said I remind her of a technology company.

I said I must be the Apple of your eye.

She said no it’s just that your penis is micro and soft.

It's a lot of rubbish when people talk about "how good" modern kids are these days with technology.

My grandson is staying for the weekend, and he looks absolutely clueless with my VCR and VHS tapes.

I proudly showed my son, "Check this out! Bought a new shrub trimmer today!" He shrugged and replied, "That's great, dad." I continued...

"It’s cutting hedge technology!"

I work for the world's biggest NanoTechnology company

We're not very good

Did you hear the Russians have began funding and creating technology to compromise and undermine the USA’s recent Central American initiatives?

They have created a ladder

When it comes to technology, Asian countries really do have Europe and America beat.

We’re living in 2019 while they’re already a decade ahead!

I feel that if we send people to Mars, we should dismantle the old rovers for their technology.

Otherwise we’ll miss a hell of an Opportunity.

I have convinced my grandma that the baby boomers are as dependent on technology as us.

When she said " you millenials are so addicted to technology" I quickly glanced at her life support. That was the last time she said it.

Woody Harrelson was heard recently to have increased interest in computer technology

Especially the RAM part.

I have invented a machine for automated circumcision

The technology is cutting edge.

I told my husband I’m going gradually cut back my dependence on technology in 2019.

I’m starting with the vacuum cleaner, washer/dryer and iron.

Technology

Google has a purchase recommendation feature.

It essentially looks over your shoulder when you are on the computer. It scans your emails, sees what you are doing on-line, what sites you frequent, who you talk too, what you talk about and what you spend your money on. Then it tells you what y...

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An American, a Japanese and an Indian were trying to show off how advanced their country's technology is.

The American goes first, looks at his hand and pokes it at a few places, proceeds to place it on his ear like a mobile and starts talking. After the call gets over here explains that he has a simcard embedded in his hand that let's him use it as a mobile. Everyone is impressed.
Then suddenly some...

I'm beginning to worry about my obsession with technology.

I told my doctor, "I think I'm addicted to Twitter."
He replied, "I don't follow you."

One day, Pete complained to his friend, “My head really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor.”

His friend said, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply tell it the problem, put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose it and tell you what you can do about the issue you’re having. It only costs $...

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With great enthusiasm and singing a song

Reagan visits the USSR and is amazed by the capital construction he has seen.

Reagan: "How do you manage to build structures like this? Your logistics is shit, you have no technology and people are apathetic."

Gorbachev: "Soviet people built it all with great enthusiasm and while singi...

What is the latest in Pirate technology?

The I-patch

I introduced science and technology to the frogs in my neighborhood in an attempt to uplift their species.

All of my neighbors are mad at me now because now the frogs only say “rivet”.

Canada could have the best of 3 nations it is influenced by: French cuisine, British culture and American technology!

Instead, Canada got British cuisine, American culture and French technology.

Women don't like to sleep with me because I objectify them and am bad with technology.

You could say that I'm bad at turning things on.

My grandfather once said that we're starting to rely way too much on technology; that it's important we remind ourselves to live without it. I honestly had to agree with him.

So, I unplugged his life support.

I just started a 2 month break from technology.

I started an hour ago. It's working out nicely so far.



Edit 1, 5/15/19: Dude I've never stuck to a goal this much.

Did you know one of the biggest technology companies manufacturing things like bladeless fans, hand dryers, vacuums and more was started by an anti-vaxxer?

Dyson

There is new innovation for single ply toilet paper

It features breakthrough technology

My grandfather told me that teenagers have become so lazy because of technology.

"They're not the only ones," I said, looking at his mobility scooter.

What's the difference between a car salesman and a technology salesman?

The car salesman knows he is lying.

Technology...

Two guys... Hey do you think that someday technology will replace paper?... Well I think it will be quite hard to wipe with a tablet...

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Person A : "Windows 8 can suck my dick" Person B : "I can't believe how far technology has come today"

found on tumblr

Recent mobile phone technology has linked up with micro chip brain implant technology so that when your phone rings it can immediately connect without making a ringing sound.

It just won the Nobel peace prize.

Day after day we're getting more addicted to technology

my uncle for example spends 6 our each day on a hemodialysis machine

I've finally discovered why it takes so long to develop self-driving vehicle technology.

The first cars equipped with it have to turn 16 before any real development can begin.

My girlfriend complained that there should be more women in technology

So I put her in my new smart fridge

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Russian jokes under communism

To alleviate the perennial shortages of butter, The Politburo of the Communist Party ordered the Soviet scientists to develop a technology for converting shit into butter, and to complete this project on or before the anniversary of the Great October Socialist Revolution. After six months of work, t...

How to Test Candidates

Agency: "Sir, we found 3 candidates as per your requirements. How do you want their placements?"

Manager: "Put about 100 bricks in a closed room. Then send the candidates into the room and close the door, leave them alone and come back after a few hours and analyze the situation:

If ...

When in future, technology figures out how to brighten our homes without light bulbs,

I will be delighted

I hear North Korea is coming out with some new cloning technology...

I can't wait to meet Kim Jong-deux.

So there's this bar in New York called Walter's...

So there's this bar in New York called Walter's - it's named after the guy who runs the place, Walter Green. He's an older guy who doesn't understand a lot of technological stuff, and so the bar is plain and simple, just as it was when he first opened it back in the 1960s. One of Walter's regular cu...

Apple is releasing a new product called the iKnife.

It's cutting edge technology.

A french, an english and a german general are talking about submarine technology

The French general tells them their submarines can stay underwater for three days.

The British says theirs can stay submerged for 180 days

Suddenly a submarine comes up. A man comes out and shouts: "SIEG HEIL. Wir brauchen Sprit!"

The Irish are really far behind with technology...

Their bombs still have four wheels and a motor.

Technology is like the woman I desire.

It's moving fast and I can't keep up

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