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Technology Jokes

Technology is the death of us

DEAR NEIGHBOR:


Hi, George. This is Richard, next door. I've a confession to make. I've been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. At least I'm telling you in this text. I can't live with myself a minute longer without your...

Who was the first person that was used technology?

Moses. He had two tablets that where connected to the cloud.

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We now have the technology to build a new penis.

Doctor Cohen comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The m...

I always assumed that China has extremely sophisticated spying technology that they use on their rivals.

Well, that balloon has burst.

My Grandpa said, "Your generation relies too much on technology!"

I replied, "No, your generation relies too much on technology!" Then I unplugged his life support.

Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources officer asked a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, “and what starting salary are you looking for?” The engineer replies, “In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”

The interviewer inquires, “Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, fourteen paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years? Say, a red Corvette?” The engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow!! ...

Technology is dominated by two types of people:

Those who understand what they do not manage and those who manage what they do not understand.

Modern technology has never matched the simplicity and grace of the traditional pen.

In fact, you could say that there is still no e-quill.

Which sound system technology do the Malfoys use?

Dobby Atmos

There's a University called the National University of Science and Technology

It's not called the National University of Technology and Science, because that would be NUTS.

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My Technology Is Better Than Yours

Three men - an American, a Japanese and an Irishman - were sitting naked in a sauna.

Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly.

"That was my pager," he said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my...

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Inspired by post on reddit/ technology

Police stop a guy.
-Name
Wankbreak
-Excuse me?
Wankbreak....Fred Wankbreak.
-Listen mate you're coming down to the station if you carry on like that.
No seriously I work in the Warehouse over there give them a ring they'll vouch for me.
Cop sighs but can do without the paperwork...

Google fired an employee who claimed their technology was sentient.

Which is sad, because he was Chrome's only friend.

What do you call someone who's on top of everything when it comes to news, technology, video games, nsfw, and everything else?

an Apex redditor

Technology

Google has a purchase recommendation feature.

It essentially looks over your shoulder when you are on the computer. It scans your emails, sees what you are doing on-line, what sites you frequent, who you talk too, what you talk about and what you spend your money on. Then it tells you what y...

New technology uses bacteria to power a laptop

I guess you could say the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the dell

Did you hear that McDonald's is implanting all of its employees with technology that gives them all a common hive mind?

They're calling themselves the Burg.

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Whoever said technology will replace paper

..has obviously never tried to wipe their ass with an iPad!

“If you would like a list of all the ways technology has failed to improve our quality of life…

…please press 3.”

Scissors are a beautifully simplistic piece of technology.

Their invention was nothing but shear genius.

My friend told me that I am behind times on technology

I was so shocked I almost dropped my nokia 3310

Technology...

Two guys... Hey do you think that someday technology will replace paper?... Well I think it will be quite hard to wipe with a tablet...

I used to work in restaurants before switching to information technology...

... The biggest difference is that the phrase "my server went down on me" is no longer a good thing.

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I swear autocorrect is amazing.

No that's not what I said, I meant to say autocorrect is wonderful.

No! That's not it either. Autocorrect is a piece of technology I couldn't live without. Praise autocorrect.

Oh you gotta be kidding me. No one likes you autocorrect, they love you.

I didn't even type that.
<...

I work for the world's biggest NanoTechnology company

We're not very good

I know the Vatican doesn't like modern technology, but when they elect a Pope, why don't they do more tweets?

They are Cardinals, after all.

Information Technology cannibals

Five cannibals get selected as programmers in an IT company. During the welcoming ceremony the boss says: "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and if you are hungry, you can go to the company cafeteria for something to eat. So don't bother the other employees". The canniba...

My grandparents think that I depend too much on technology.

They always talk about how much my generation depends on technology, and my grandfather always mentions it whenever I visit them, so then I replied, “no, your generation depends too much on technology.”

Then I unplugged his life support.

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I made a huge breakthrough in toilet paper technology this morning

So now I have to wash the crap off my fingers

They are developing a brand new fan technology

It's so cool

Sometimes cows are moved by plane and while they have the technology, the cows are never airdropped in.

Because the steaks are too high.

I'm beginning to worry about my obsession with technology.

I told my doctor, "I think I'm addicted to Twitter."
He replied, "I don't follow you."

What technology company was named after its founders genitalia?

Microsoft

In the 1930s, the Italians developed an engine fuel technology that used household spices.

It’s true. Mussolini made the trains run on thyme

President Obama visits the Pentagon...

President Obama visits the Pentagon to test out the latest in military technology.

A scientist says to him "We have two projects that we are very proud of. One is a powered exoskeleton and the other is an invisibility cloak. Which would you like to try first?"

Obama replies, "Uh, let ...

Smart Robot

A guy goes into a bar, there's a robot bartender. The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini."
The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "168."
The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration, and m...

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What is another name for Male Sex Toys or Technology you use?

Erectronics

It's really nice to see Churches embrace internet technology during this pandemic.

Our priest even bought my son his own Webcam.

What is the latest in Pirate technology?

The I-patch

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Elon Musk wants to start a university called the ‘Texas Institute of Technology & Science and an affiliate called Austin School of Science

To be known as TITS and ASS

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It's a good thing technology can't unblur images and video

Because if it could, Japanese porn stars would clearly be fucked

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Obsolete Technologies

A man is sitting in a recliner watching television when he asks his wife to pass the newspaper.

She starts barking at him,"Why don't you learn how to use this iPad? You're never going to get better at technology if you don't start using it for some of the simple things."

Considering hi...

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First joke I've ever come up with. So far nobody has laughed

I went to the opticians and they were telling me about revolutionary technology to allow us to see out of different parts such as our arms, nose and even our ass. Intrigued, I asked "when will this technology would be available?" The optician replied "arm and nose is coming in 2019, hindsight is 20...

Difference between I.T and management

A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he’s lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?” The man below says: “Yes. You’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.”...

Limits Of Technology

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

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what do you call it when a circumsision clinic gets new technology

Cutting edge technology

Putin, Obama and Merkel stand at the sea

Putin presents a submarine, saying: "This best russian technology! Our submarines stay 1 month under water without ever need to go surface!"

Obama smiles and says:
"This is our submarine... It can stay up to 3 months under water, no need to emerge even one time!"

Merkel stands next...

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What do you call a man cooking stir-fry in a Japanese technology company?

Sony wok man.

I proudly showed my son, "Check this out! Bought a new shrub trimmer today!" He shrugged and replied, "That's great, dad." I continued...

"It’s cutting hedge technology!"

Woody Harrelson was heard recently to have increased interest in computer technology

Especially the RAM part.

Old technology

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, French scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the French: in the weeks that followed, American ...

Amish users of reddit, what is it like going about your day to day life without technology?

Hello?
Hello?
Anyone there?

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My girlfriend said I remind her of a technology company.

I said I must be the Apple of your eye.

She said no it’s just that your penis is micro and soft.

Recent mobile phone technology has linked up with micro chip brain implant technology so that when your phone rings it can immediately connect without making a ringing sound.

It just won the Nobel peace prize.

Day after day we're getting more addicted to technology

my uncle for example spends 6 our each day on a hemodialysis machine

Why do jocks hate new technology?

They don't like betas.

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The future of technology (long)

Bill Gates, Andy Grove, and Jerry Sanders (Heads of Microsoft, Intel, and Advanced Micro Devices) were in a high-powered business meeting. During the serious, tense discussion, a beeping noise suddenly is emitted from where Jerry is sitting. Jerry says, "Oh, that's my beeper. Gentlemen, excuse me, I...

Technology is like the woman I desire.

It's moving fast and I can't keep up

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Technology Man

A man walks into a bar holding up his forearm to the side of his face carrying on a business conversation. The bartender watches the man continue his conversation for a good 30 minutes before removing his forearm from his face and pushing his forearm with his thumb. The bartender, believing this man...

Technology.( Based on true events)

My apple watch reminded me to take a minute to breathe right after my grandfather let one rip.

iPhone vs Samsung

iPhone user: The new iPhone is coming out

Samsung user: What's new?

iPhone user: We're getting facial recognition

Samsung user: Had that 4 year's ago next

iPhone user: We're getting wireless charging

Samsung user: Had that 2 year's ago next

iPhone user: We'r...

What's the difference between a car salesman and a technology salesman?

The car salesman knows he is lying.

The Irish are really far behind with technology...

Their bombs still have four wheels and a motor.

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

My girlfriend complained that there should be more women in technology

So I put her in my new smart fridge

I have convinced my grandma that the baby boomers are as dependent on technology as us.

When she said " you millenials are so addicted to technology" I quickly glanced at her life support. That was the last time she said it.

It is said that there are 2 constants, taxes and death. but with coming technology it may be possible to remove one!

That's right, Death!

I told my husband I’m going gradually cut back my dependence on technology in 2019.

I’m starting with the vacuum cleaner, washer/dryer and iron.

I hear North Korea is coming out with some new cloning technology...

I can't wait to meet Kim Jong-deux.

My grandfather told me that teenagers have become so lazy because of technology.

"They're not the only ones," I said, looking at his mobility scooter.

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What didn't the Japanese understand nuclear missile technology?

It was a little over their heads

I feel that if we send people to Mars, we should dismantle the old rovers for their technology.

Otherwise we’ll miss a hell of an Opportunity.

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An American, a Japanese and an Indian were trying to show off how advanced their country's technology is.

The American goes first, looks at his hand and pokes it at a few places, proceeds to place it on his ear like a mobile and starts talking. After the call gets over here explains that he has a simcard embedded in his hand that let's him use it as a mobile. Everyone is impressed.
Then suddenly some...

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Technology is getting more and more invasive in our lives. Today my smart watch sent me a notification tell me to stand, while I was on the toilet.

And I just thought: “I don’t need to stand for this shit!”

I was once in a music group called, "Fat Technology Geeks".

We've since updated our name to: "Broadband".

It's a lot of rubbish when people talk about "how good" modern kids are these days with technology.

My grandson is staying for the weekend, and he looks absolutely clueless with my VCR and VHS tapes.

Saudi-Arabia has developed teleportation technology in order to sustain their economy when oil is depleted.

First tests in their embassies are promising, but apparently there are still issues with the part that is supposed to make one reappear.

I've finally discovered why it takes so long to develop self-driving vehicle technology.

The first cars equipped with it have to turn 16 before any real development can begin.

As technology gets lighter, thinner, and faster...

People get heavier, thicker, and slower.

A man walks into a bar

And orders a drink. Whilst drinking it, a massively scarred Asian dude stumbles in the bar.

"What happened?" The man asks as he downs his drink.

"There's a dragon 10km east from here." The Asian dude rasps before passing out.

So the Man gets on his bike and travels 10km east an...

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