UPJOKE

Instead Of Jokes

An Engineer accidentally goes to Hell instead of Heaven

An Engineer dies and goes to hell. He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly.

The moving walkway motor jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily.

The TV was grain...

Avril Lavigne could have just called her song Skater boy instead of Sk8er Boi.

Why'd you have to go and make things so complicated?

9 out of 10 doctors reccommend for children to drink water instead of soda

that 1 doctor lives in flint michigan

I accidently bought a fleshlight instead of a flashlight.

When the power went out I was screwed.

AITA? I bought my coworker chicken avocado instead of tuna avocado from Subway, and now they’re mad.

Whoops, wrong sub.

My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.

We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.

A 55 year old lady suddenly started learning to swim instead of her usual routine of going to a temple !!!!

Everyone was curious and asked her: "why the change in your interest to swimming now a days?"

The lady, with a look of helplessness replied: "Whenever my son and daughter-in-law quarrel with each other my Daughter-in-law always asks my son : - "If your mom and I fall into water, whom will y...

Why is dark spelled with a K instead of a C

Because you can’t C in the dark

Donald Trump has decided to take just $1 as his salary for the job of the President instead of the usual 400,000.

That man would do just about anything to avoid paying the taxes.

A politician dies. Instead of going straight to heaven or hell, a spirit appears to him.

The spirit tells him that, rather than being judged for his sins, he gets to choose whether he goes to heaven or hell.

The politician replies that of course he wants to go to heaven. The spirit tells him that before he chooses, he has to visit both places so each one will get a fair chance.<...

| don't understand why some people use fractions instead of decimals.

It's pointless.



But, anyway. You gotta draw the line somewhere, or
else people will think you're being irrational. But
that is beside the point.

I accidentally gave my girlfriend a glue stick instead of chapstick...

She's still not talking to me :(

TIFU when I brought my pregnant wife home a meatball foot long instead of the teriyaki chicken she asked for

Whoops, wrong sub.

Instead of water, I put redbull in the the back of my coffee maker this morning

I was halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.

What does the Trump administration use instead of emails?

Alternative fax.

Why does Donald trump use twitter instead of Facebook?

Because he has followers, not friends.

Why are lawyers buried ten metres down instead of only two meters?

To give them a head start.

In Canada, they use “B.C.E.” instead of “B.C”

It stands for Before Christ, Eh?

A doctor accidentally prescribes his patient a laxative instead of a coughing syrup.

Three days later the patient comes for a check-up and the doctor asks: "Well? Are you still coughing?" The patient replies: "No, I am afraid to."

Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?

Because they.... lactose.....

Instead of actual serious spying gear, the Chinese used a balloon. Why?

Because of inflation.

I asked the cashier “Could you give me small change instead of bills? I need money for the bus “

She said “That’s fare”

I accidentally typed my symptoms into IMDB instead of WebMD

and found out I have Gary Busey

This morning i used redbull instead of water to make my coffee.

After 15 minutes of driving on the highway, i realized i left my car at home!!!

Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in...

It’s currently half empty...

Why did Will Smith slap Chris instead of punching him?

Everybody knows paper beats rock

My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole!!

Man, that sentence was way too long!

Why didn't we call them Galactic Towns instead of...

>!Universities!<

instead of calling my son drew, I called him driew.

It's only weird if you say it backwards.

A little girl says to her mommy, instead of buying me clothes for my birthday can you send them to all of the little girls that haven't got any, you know the ones.

The ones on daddy's computer.

With medical costs being so high, instead of sending “paramedics” to an accident…

…Maybe they should just send one.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Instead of "Mother's Day" and "Father's Day"

It should be "Mother's Day" and "Motherfucker's Day"

Instead of partying, my friend goes to the woods every weekend to distract deer hunters.

That’s how he saves a few bucks.

Instead of a Handyman, my apartment complex has a Handywoman.

She's a bit of a pothead but damn good at her job. Today she asked me if I wanted to smoke with her but I declined cuz I can't stand high maintenance women.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What type of bee makes milk instead of honey?

Boobies!

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A young man and his boss have to travel to a city 500 miles away. Due to cost cutting measures put in place by the boss, they take the train instead of the flight which was four hours faster.

As they entered their train compartment, the young man and the boss found themselves opposite to a gorgeous twenty something girl and her sixty year old looking mother.

Within a few minutes, the young man and the girl start giving quick glances at each other. After twenty minutes or so, the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do Mormons play instead of "Fuck, Marry, Kill"?

Marry, Marry, Marry

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My girlfriend said that I should use the term 'make love' instead of 'fuck.'

What the make love is she talking about?

someone scolded me for using a semi colon instead of a colon...

I just couldn't give a shift

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If Hitler was a gamer instead of a Nazi…

…We could’ve had Yahtzee Germany.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If women had breasts on their backs instead of their chests

A lot more men would take up ballroom dancing

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Instead of an LOL I usually SHIT

Silent haha in thought

What do vegans get instead of bird flu?

Toflu

TIFU by eating my coworkers sandwich instead of mine.

oops wrong sub.

My friend started calling the toilet the Jim instead of the John

He said it sounds better when he tell people he goes to the Jim everyday.

A cheap zoo lost its gorilla and instead of paying for one they hired a guy in a gorilla costume to act like a gorilla.

When the people came to see him he pounded his chest and moved like a gorilla. Right under him was a lions cage.

While he was running around chanting like a gorilla, the bottom of his cage broke and he fell into the loins cage.

He started screaming and yelling "help me, help me"
...

To all the people who type "u" instead of "you" ...

What exactly do you do with all the extra time you saved?

Why do you have to be careful when trees start dropping feathers instead of leaves?

It could be your down-fall

Bondage is so much easier now we're older. Instead of blindfolding her

I just hide her glasses.

Why did the pilot take the elevator instead of the stairs?

Too many flights

I've started buying store brand Spanish rice instead of the expensive stuff

As they say, "Arroz by any other name..."

Instead of "the John," I call my toilet "the Jim."

That way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim first thing every morning.

If "Gator Aid" had been created in Talahassee instead of Gainesville

Would we all be drinking Seminole Fluid?

My wife: Instead of thinking about stupid jokes all day, why don’t you write a book instead?

Me: That’s…..a novel idea.

When the doctor told me that he had fitted me with a thermostat instead of a pacemaker, I was livid

It made my blood boil.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If the Pilgrims had shot bobcat instead of turkey...

We'd all be eating pussy on Thanksgiving.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What kind of Bee collects Milk instead of Pollen?

A BooBee

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What if female pirates had boobs made of wood instead of peg legs

It'd be weird wooden tit

A beekeeper gave me 13 bees instead of 12

“Don’t worry”, she said, “it’s a freebee”

Did you hear about the priest who gave his congregation noodles instead of wafers for communion?

He was a Ramen Catholic.

Romania, one of the poorest country in the EU, builds a cathedral instead of a hospital.

I get it. When Dracula is a constant threat, I'd prioritise building a Cathedral rather than a hospital.

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Why do Canadian women use a hockey puck instead of tampons?

Cuz they last for three periods.

(I am truly sorry)

Instead of buying twitter for $43 billion

Elon Musk could add another $8 billion and clear the external debt of Sri Lanka.
He can rename it Ceylon Musk.

It was a difficult conversation telling my son to call me dad instead of mom now

But I wanted to be transparent.

Instead of calling it an abortion, they should call it a Digiorno.....

it's Not delivery, it's Digiorno

Always wondered about using oak instead of silicon for breast implants

Be a lot firmer, wooden tit?

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What if iPhones auto-corrected duck instead of f*ck?

"I went to the park and fed some fucks by the pond today."

I’m glad that I learned about parallelograms in HS math instead of how to do my tax return.

It comes in so handy during parallelogram season.

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I just made my girlfriend a coffee using sperm instead of milk

I call it an ejaculatte.

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Can we start using "stars" as a unit of measurement, instead of inches?

It sounds way better to tell the ladies I have a 5 star penis

I don’t understand why some people use fractions instead of decimals

It's pointless!

What do people from Alabama have instead of a family tree?

The circle of life!

dating is getting so expensive, so instead of buying an uber.

My wife gave us a ride

From now on instead of saying #1 or #2 for the bathroom

I'm going to call it an R. Kelly or Amber Heard

Them: What if Medusa turned you to cheese instead of stone?

Me, an intellectual: Ah yes, Gorgonzola

3 jokes instead of 3 layers of cake. Let's go!

What is at the bottom of the sea and twitches?
A nervous wreck

Where are all average things made?
The Satisfactory

What kind of exercise do lazy people do?
Diddly Squats

Enjoy!

I gave my mother superglue instead of her lipstick.

She didn't even complain afterwards.

If Diana Spenser had married Stephen Rea instead of prince Charles...

She'd be Mrs. Di Rea. (She's also probably be alive.)

My friend suggested I should go jogging at 7am instead of 7pm and...

I got to admit, it's a night and day difference.

My dad always told me that if a bee is bothering you, stare at it intently instead of trying to swat it.

Because ….seeing is bee leaving.

Instead of going to the dentist, I go to the airport

That way, I never have to pay for cavity searches.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It would be cheaper if they used oak instead of silicone in boob jobs..

Wooden tit?

This morning I accidentally put baking soda in my wife’s coffee instead of sugar. She didn’t seem to mind though.

She’s basic.

Why do soldiers carry Zippos instead of matches?

Because they are lighter.

Why orphan uses "ph" instead of "f"

Because F is for family

Why do we say amen instead of awomen?

Because we sing hymns instead of hers

I played an F-sharp instead of an F...

Accidentally

Why do the French make their omelettes with only one egg instead of two or three?

Because in France, one egg is un oeuf.

Do you know why we use 'k' instead of 'c' in 'dark'?

Cause we can't c in dark.

Instead of yelling at my family I used to yell into a colander

All it did was strain my voice

Why did Sauron buy the sedan instead of the coupe?

More doors.

What's interesting is that this joke can now be reused and instead of Soviet Union we can just say; current day Russia

In Russia a Man Goes to Buy a Car...

He goes up to the owner and asks for a car, to which the owner responds:

'You know there is a 10 year waiting list?'

The man then answers, 'OK,' and after some time he then agreed to buy a car.

So he pays for the car in advance, and ju...

Funny how Americans call it an "elevator" instead of a "lift" and...

... my American crush says "Stop messaging me or I'm calling the cops" instead of "I love you".

instead of 'coronials'

how about babies born 9 months from now could be called "lockup knockups".

Li was an elf, but instead of the normal greenish tint to her skin, she had a bit of blue to her...

"My mother is an elvish queen..." she was fond of bragging, but her mother's husband the elf lord was a green-hued elf himself, and it was often whispered that Li was a product of a youthful dalliance of her mother's. How else to explain her unusual skin tone?

One evening, while in the palace...

What if, instead of periods, women had apostrophes?

They would be more possessive and have more frequent contractions!

Instead of "Who's your daddy?" I accidentally said "How's your daddy?"

And we put our clothes back on and discussed her father's cholesterol.

Instead of marijuana dispensaries why don't they just call it..

Grass stations

Why is a baker's dozen 13 instead of 12?

In case one dozen come out right.

Boy says goodbye instead of goodnight

So a boy and his family are praying, and after they finished praying, it’s their tradition to say goodnight, and go to sleep.

So the boy says, goodnight mama, goodnight papa, goodnight grandpa, goodbye grandma.

At the time, they didn’t really think much of it, and the boy didn’t even ...

Why do people rob 7/11 instead of restaurants?

Because it's more convenient.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've started making deposits at a sperm bank instead of having sex with women (NSFW)

At least that way I know I'm getting some interest.

Please help, I think someone is able to control my computer and type instead of me.

Actually you know what, I don't think that, that's absurd, nevermind.

What do they celebrate instead of Easter in California?

Wester.

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