People really misuse the word 'chivalry'

They think its politeness towards women. It's actually not. I looked it up online, and only some of it is about respect and politeness. The rest of it is about medieval battle etiquette.


The other day I didn't hold the door for a woman. She proceeded to say,"I guess chivalry's dead". So,...

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Why wasn't Jesus born in America?

God couldn't find 3 wise men and a virgin.

Famous last words..

"Watch this"

Still, my wife doesn't shut up

I told my wife: "Let's put it in your ear."

She replied: "But I will become deaf, if you do that".

I told her: "Don't worry, I've put it in your mouth now for 20 years, and still you did not shut up."

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An old man went to his doctor complaining that he woke up every morning at 8 AM.

His doctor, puzzled, wondered out loud: “why is this a problem, this seems like a perfectly reasonable time to wake up”. The old man, a bit annoyed by The Doctor’s lack of concern irritably retorted: “but doctor., you don’t get it, every morning I take a shit at 7:30“.

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The 1st day at school: the new student named Jose Armando, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the 5th grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Jose, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?"
Again, no response except from Jose :"Abraham Lincoln, 1863....

An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"

"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff.
The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."

Do Transformers get car insurance or health insurance?

Nether. They’re immigrants in America.

Which is heavier: one gallon of water or 10 gallons of butane?

The water.

No matter how much you have, butane will always be a lighter fluid.

Why do cows never work in restaurants?

They hate getting tipped

I hate how funerals are always at 9 or 10am

I'm not really a mourning person.

I keep hearing people say these SoCal earthquakes are being caused by the heat or as punishment for how we have been acting. I think they are wrong.

It is actually the San Andreas's fault.

What’s the difference between a well-dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle?

Attire

The lion decided to invite everyone to his birthday party. But, him being the king, he ordered everybody to bring him meat as a present, or else he will hit them with his massive dong. And soon, the day came and all the animals lined up infront of the lion's cave with their presents.

The Wolf wanted to gift the King lamb, the fox had a chicken, the leopard an antilope, and so on...The lion greeted all of his guests and welcomed them to the party. Suddenly, the rabbit stood infront of him with a carrot. All guests went silent. The lion looked him in the eyes and said: " You know...

Personally, I don't believe in hoes before bros or bros before hoes.

There must be balance you see. A homie-hoe-stasis if you will

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I took an online test to see how much I'm like Hitler.

The test was simple: Score a 1=nothing like Hitler;Score a 10=Hitler himself.


Well, I took the test and got a two. So I guess you can say I'm eight off Hitler.

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This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a hard day on the slopes, he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall...

He asks the bartender, "What the fuck is that?"

The bartender replies, "It's a moose."

The Scottish chap shouts back, "Fuck me! How big are the cats?"

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Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community...

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'si...

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Some asshole knocked on my door today, telling me I needed to be “saved” or else I would “burn”. I told him to fuck off.

Stupid fireman.

Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

Probably the chicken as eggs cant

There is no incest in Alabama! You can ask my dad, brother, uncle, husband, mother, sister or aunt!

They are both in the living room right now.

I went to the liquor store on my bicycle and bought a bottle vodka, put it in the basket on the front and then it occurred to me that if I fall or something happens, the bottle might break, so I drank it all right there and it's a good thing I did...

...'cause I fell 7 times on the way home...

I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you that you need to be "saved" or else you'll "burn"

Stupid firemen

Some people say theres 2 kinds of pirates; theres the "yo ho ho" or the "yarrggh". I belong to an exclusive third group called:

"I'm not paying $120 a year for photoshop".






*Edit: fixed the price according to google*

A man and a woman are out to dinner at a fancy restaurant

Right around when the appetizers they hear a loud sound like galloping hooves on the marble floor.

They both turn to see a half-man half-horse jogging around the restaurant

Eventually it stops running and stands at attention.

They stare

A loud trumpet sounds and the Head ...

Video games never made me angry or want to hurt people.

Working in customer service already did that.

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I wish for more..

Genie: You get one wish.

Me: I wish for mor–

Genie: No wishing for more wishes.

Me:

Genie:

Me: I wish for more genies.

Genie: Holy shit.

All the new genies: Holy shit.

Is Google male or female?

Female - she doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion

Taken from r/darkjokes

Hippopotamuses can outrun a human on land or in the water.

So if you’re in a triathlon against a hippo, you really have to make up time in the bicycle portion.

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Last night I was sitting in the couch and watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen " what do you want for dinner honey? Chicken, beef or lamb?

I replied "Thank you love. I feel like having chicken."

She replied " You're having soup you fat bastard. I'm talking to the dog."

Which is worse ignorance or apathy?

I don't know and I don't care.

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I remember when I first started using drugs. I was 18 years old. It all started with a spliff, the odd bong or two. Before I knew it, I'd started using amphetamines like speed and for a stronger buzz, I moved on to ecstasy.

It wasn't long after, that I started on the hard stuff, like cocaine and heroin.

I was a complete mess.

I was broke and my body was ruined.

But fuck me, what a night.

Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar...

Now don't tell me that's just a coincidence.

A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck

When they died, God granted all of them one wish. The first person said, "I want to be gorgeous." God snapped his fingers and it happened. The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. This want on and on throughout the group. God noticed the last man in line was laughing hysteri...

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A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so, and although his English was far from perfect, the couple got on very well.

One day, though, he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked if he could arrange a divorce for him, "Very quick!"

The lawyer explained that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked these questions: LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?"

POLE: "An acre and...

How can you tell whether an ant is a boy or girl?

Put the ant in water.
If it sinks, girl ant.
If it floats, buoyant!

How can you tell what kind of eel you're looking at?

Well, if the moon hits it's eye like a big pizza pie, it's a moray.

This simple test revealed if people were able to resist clickbait or not.

You failed.

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Doctor : Your wife has either AIDS or Alzheimer's

Husband : Doc! Is there anything I can do!!
Doctor : Drive her 2 miles from home and drop her off, if she comes back, don't fuck her.

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[NSFW] Whenever I have sex, it's a race to see who comes first

Me or the police.

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Thighs or breasts? NSFW

I was asked if I was a thighs or a breast man but I was neither, so I said I’m more a shaved pussy guy. Now I’m banned from KFC

What is a pirate’s favourite letter? *hint it is not ‘r’ or ‘c’..

A pirate’s favourite letter is “P”

It looks like an Arrrrgh, but it’s missing a leg!

A black Jewish boy comes home from school. He asks his father "Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black?"

Father says "why do you wanna know that son?"
Boy says "Well there's a kid selling his bike at school for $50. I wanna know if I should offer him $40 or if I should just steal it."

The other day I asked my younger cousin if he’d rather get $1 for complimenting a stranger or $10 for insulting a stranger

In that instant he looked me in the eye and called me a “Freak of nature”. I quickly reminded him that I’m not a stranger because we know each other. To which he replies “There’s nobody stranger than you”

What weighs more: 100 kg of steel or a 100 kg of feathers?

100 kg of feathers because you have to carry the weight of what you did to all those poor birds.

Before my surgery, my anesthetist offered to knock me out with either gas or a boat paddle.

It was an ether/oar situation

My friend asked me if ignorance or arrogance was worse.

I said I don’t know and I don’t care.

I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.

Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.

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A famous porn star died..

At the funeral, everyone came.

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who's best at his job.

So each one goes into the woods, finds a bear, and attempts to convert it. Later, they all get together.

The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first Communion.”

“I found a bear by the stream,” sa...

This is actually a true story, when I was 17 I had a choice to study in Canada or the USA. I chose Canada because it was less expensive

In retrospect I dodged a bullet, maybe multiple bullets

Batman order a drink. Waiter asks, "Pepsi or Coke?"

Batman responds, "Just ice."

Who loves you more, your wife or your dog?

Your dog. Don't believe it? Put them both in the trunk for an hour and see which one's glad to see you when you open it

Juan, a prison warden, decided a group of sikhs (4 or 5 of them) should be released for good behaviour.

The occasion was mentioned in the newspaper: “Juan to free four, five sikhs”
I’ll be here all week.

Woman goes to the doctors with a bit of lettuce sticking out of her underwear

The doctor says ‘that looks nasty’
She replies ‘it’s the tip of the iceberg’

When a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she's either really interested or you're level 99 friend-zoned

Or she hasn't spotted you in the tree yet

What do you call a bar or mini fridge

A Fridget.

What hurts more? Giving birth or being kicked in the nuts.

Kicked in the nuts, you don't ever hear guys asking to be kicked in the nuts again.

What weighs more a cup of steel or a cup of feathers?

A cup of steel weighs more.

A man and his girlfriend are having a discussion about Bansky.

Man: Have you heard about the painting from Bansky that shredded itself? This guy is truly amazing!

Girlfriend: Guy? How do you know Bansky is not a woman?

Man: A woman couldn't keep a secret for that long.

I just got diagnosed with color blindness.

I gotta say this diagnosis came out of the orange.

How can you tell when someone is a vegan or a motorcycle rider?

They’ll tell you within the first 5 minutes of talking to them.

For a dollar, a change-maker will get you four quarters, or ten dimes, or twenty nickels...

That makes cents, right?

If the plural or mouse is mice, and the plural of louse is lice...

What does it really mean if my spouse wants to spice things up?

Do girls actually enjoy being fingered or is that just a myth?

Depends if you know the difference between summoning a genie and stuffing a chicken

When she asks, what do you love more, me or my Ass?

Reply: the whole of you.

Why are so many people obsessed with whether the chicken or the egg came first?

My wife always told me it was the person who came last that matters in a relationship.

There's a doctor's surgery in my town that is almost impossible to get to. It's on an island in a lake but there's no ferry or even a dock for private boats.

Every patient that's made it there has flu.

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I couldn’t decide whether to masturbate to the weather forecast or to The Lord of The Rings.

I guess it doesn’t matter. Either way we’re looking at 9 inches in Orlando.

After double doors had to be installed in the castle to allow for Henry VIII's massive frame, he was no longer the same man who enjoyed playing his horn or teaching his kids.

He was a two-door tooter Tudor too dour to tutor

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How should you write words like "fuck", "shit", "bitch", or "damn?"

In cursive.

There's this guy who's been staying in one spot at the park for days without sitting or laying. People are calling him super amazing. I personally just think..

he's out standing.

Michael Jackson had the most impressive birth to death story arc or any person.

He was born a poor black boy and died a rich white woman.

It's Halloween and everyone's out trick-or-treating. A bartender is working the late-night shift at the bar. He looks outside and sees everyone in crazy costumes. He sighs and picks up a glass and starts cleaning it. At around midnight, a guy in a vampire costume walks in and sits at the bar.

He says to the bartender "Hi. I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please."
The bartender looks at him skeptically. "No you're not. You're just wearing a costume."
"No, no, really," he insists. "I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please."
"Alright," the bartender say...

Do vegetarians prefer moons or asteroids?

Moons, because asteroids are are a little meteor.

(Made up for my kids today)
#dadjoke #sorry

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A guy walking on the beach finds a girl with no arms or legs... (NSFW)

He walks up and sees that she is crying, so he asks "hey why are you crying? Is everything okay?"
Laying there in the sand she sobbingly says "I have no arms or legs. No one has found me attractive my entire life and I've never been kissed before."
So this guy, being a nice guy decides "I'll...

What happens when you take too long to eat a Now or Later?

It becomes an hour later.

Have you ever wondered why Americans spell it, "Color" or "Neighbor" and Canadians spell it, "Colour" and "Neighbour"?

It's because America doesn't care about you

Son of a beech or a son of a birch

An Elm and an Oak tree in a forest are debating what type of tree the new sapling growing between them is.

The Elm says that is a son of a beech, oh no the Oak says that is a son of a birch. The debate goes on until one day a woodpecker fly's over and lands near by. The Oak says hey Mr Woodp...

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I hate those drivers that try to overtake you on a main road doing 40. I always try to slow down and block them, no matter how much they horn or flash their lights.

Fuck ambulances, I swear.

Still can't decide if I need a mirror or not

I need to reflect on this

Which has more courage, a rock or a tree?

A rock, because it's boulder!

My farts don't sound or smell

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with wind, but it really doesn't bother me too much because they never smell and are always silent."

"As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office." The doctor says, "I see, ta...

With the citywide blackout, I couldn't tell if I was in front of my school or not. But I took a shot in the dark.

Yep, this is my school.

I was in the downtown last night thinking about having a dinner and went to a nearby restaurant. I asked the waiter, "I don't eat eggs, meat, fish, dairy or gluten. What would you recommend?"

He said a taxi.

I dated a girl who was obsessed with carpentry. I told her "You have to make a choice: Me or your equipment."

She chose the ladder.

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Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes? Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes or legs? Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes, legs or dick?

A: no idear.
A: still no idear.
A: still no fuckin idear.
Compliments of my high school chemistry teacher!

Whether she kicks you in the groin or sits on your face...

Taint gonna happen either way.

Do you know which questions is the most asked by someone with a college degree in art or history?

Do you want fries with that?

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When I was born I was given a choice; Big Dick or Good Memory

I don’t remember what I picked

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I love all these signs in men's bathrooms stating stuff like "stand closer" or "don't pee on the floor" or "pee elegantly" or "please aim" or ...

I have to assume any such sign was thought up by someone who has never operated a dick before.

I was teaching political correctness to my niece and I said, "Ok let's say there's someone named Michael or Mike for short, and if Mike delivers mail, he's a Mail-man. Similarly if there's someone named Jennifer who's doing the same job what would you call her?"

"Jenny"

Son; "Dad, which do you think is America's worst problem: ignorance or apathy?"

Dad; "Don't know. Don't really care, either."

I went trick or treating as Gandhi and kept all of my candy in a hat

And when someone tried to take the candy from my hat i told them "My hat my candy"

Which is heavier - 1000 pounds of feathers or 1000 pounds of bricks?

The feathers are heavier - you also have to carry the guilt of plucking all those chickens.

I’ve started deliberately getting hard before taking a leak. It helps me avoid getting any on the seat or floor.

You could say I please to aim

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My mum always told me to lock the doors or else robbers are going to take away everything I have.

Guess who'll lose his virginity tonight.

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I don't understand why millenials are never discrete about their life, travels, sex, or purchases.

When they don't have any discretionary income.

A Make-a-Wish child wanted to know, if his favorite TV show was staged or real. The producers told him that he will need to wait for a little longer.

Now he's dying to know the truth.

There's a new men's birth control pill that's about the size of a marble. Don't get discouraged though, you don't have to swallow it or anything, you just put it into your shoe…

And it makes you limp…

If I'm ever traveling near Loch Ness or Sasquatch's lair, I will carry a camera to be safe.

It is a documented fact that these dangerous monsters have never approached anyone who had a camera.

Why does the cashier at the grocery store always ask if you want paper or plastic?

...because baggers can't be choosers.

Nothing’s better than being 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, 61, 67, 71, 73, 79, 83, 89, or 97 years old

Those are the years you are in your prime.

Apparently if your girlfriend or wife says “ if anything happens to me.... I want you to meet someone new.”

“Anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in traffic.

Before my surgery, the anesthesiologist asked if I'd like to be knocked out with gas, or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle.

It was an ether/oar situation

The doctor told me I have either amnesia or insomnia

I can't remember which one and it's making me lose sleep!

One exotic bird can’t take over the word on its own

But toucan

What do you call a woman with no arms or legs?

Carrie.

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I’ll never forget my grandpas last words...

“Quit messing around with my life support cord you twat”

A wife finds her husband sipping some rum on the patio, he says, "I love you so much, I have no idea what I would do without you". The wife asks, "Is that you talking, or the rum?"

He replied, "That's me, talking to the rum."

You ever felt useless? Ever thought your job has no real purpose or meaning?

Keep your head up. Just remember that you make a difference in this world.

Unless you are that guy who makes turn signals in the BMW factory.

I saw this girl while working today. Words can't even begin to describe her.

But numbers can, 4/10

If you are crossing the desert, be sure to take a deck of cards with you. If you get lost or break down, just start dealing solitaire.

Before you're halfway through the first game, you will hear a voice behind you saying "Red nine on the black ten"...

To be or not to be a horse rider....

that is Equestrian.

How do chickens tell who's the alpha male or female?

They use a *pecking* order

If autocorrect were really smart, it would know when I meant gave or have.

*have or gave

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Will that be dine-in or take away?

A bloke walked up to the counter and said "Burger & Chips thanks "

"Certainly sir" I said. "Will that be dine-in or take away?"

"Piss of ya bastard" he snapped before storming off with the food

I love working in the Prison Canteen!

What do you call it when computer science majors make fun of each other?

Cyber boolean

Why do white teenage girls always hang out in groups of 3, 5 or 7?

They just, like, literally can't even

I couldn't decide if I wanted to be a doctor or a priest.

So I combined both my passions and became a pediatrician.

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Which stretches further, skin or rubber?

Skin. The Bible says that Moses tied his ass to a tree then walked for 40 miles.

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