People seem very hopeful about the news of water in Mars.

But I take it with a grain of salt.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In the 18th century, a hopeful Asian laborer landed in America and went straight to the employment office.

He didn't speak a word of English, and the men at the employment office couldn't figure out where he was from. They took a vote to see if he was Chinese or Japanese.

It was a Thai.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and gets bad news.

"You've got a rare disease and you've only got 6 months to live," the doc tells him. The patient is incredulous and tells the doctor he's going to get a second opinion.

He finds another doctor a few days later and after a battery of tests, this doctor gives him the same bad news. Patient is ...

There were two white christian men, John and Mike, whose plane crashed into a desert. Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do.

As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful. But then John said ''Muslims are there. They might help us if we say we are Muslim.'' Then Mike said ''No way, I won't say I'm Muslim, I'm gonna be honest''.

So John and Mike went to the Mosque ...

When I was learning to drive in the winter, my Dad told me, "If you're ever lost in the snow, wait for a plow truck, then follow it."

One cold, snowy Minnesota night, I got lost on the way home. The snow was blowing so fast and piling up so high, I couldn't see any street signs. With no map in my car and a dead cell phone, I thought I might be stranded so I pulled over to the side of the road.

Then breaking through the flu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 guys are lost in the woods

They've been walking for a couple days with no food left and no water to drink. The 3 men are persistent in their search for some help and hike day and night until until they come across a small cabin in the woods. They see smoke drifting from chimney and what looks like a candle burning in the wind...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman was sitting at a bar when she noticed a man sitting across from her who seemed to be staring.

After a while, the bartender says to her, "The man across the bar wants to know what it'll take to get in your pants tonight. The woman slyly responds, "Tell him he has to have a six figure salary, at least 2 vacation homes, and a 10 inch dick." The bartender walks over to the man and begins to tell...

Police are reporting that they have just located a truck of stollen goods

Though they are not hopeful that anyone will come forward to claim the German fruitcake.

The physics professor in the oral exam asks the student

"What is faster, light or sound?"

"Well obviously light"

"Alright, why?"

"Well, when I turn on my TV, I first see the picture and then comes the sound"

The professor of course fails the student. The next student he asks the same question.

"What is faster, light or ...

Two Marijuana dispensaries created a merger deal, becoming one.

To be blunt, the stakes were high, but they were hopeful as it was a joint venture.

Age Of innocence

“Mommy, my turtle’s dead,” Andrew sorrowfully told his mother, holding the turtle out to her.

His mother kissed him on the head and said, “That’s all right. We’ll wrap him in tissue paper, put him in a little box, and then have a nice burial ceremony in the backyard. After that, we’ll go out ...

A man has been sleeping around and was worried he may have contracted AIDS. He goes to the doctor to get a check up. The doctor returns and says “I have two good news for you”

The man perplexed but hopeful asks: “what’s the first good news?”

Doctor replies, “you don’t have AIDS!”

The man relieved but now even more curious asks the doctor, “then what’s the other good news?”

Doctor responds, “we found a new strain of STD and they’re going to name it aft...

Miranda turns 40 and starts to feel self conscious about her looks.

She wanted to feel young again. So she started saving money to get a botox treatment. Finally the big day came and she went to the local beauty clinic a little nervously, but very hopeful.
The team welcomes her, and puts her to sleep for the operation.

They get to work.

Miranda's r...

A man walks into a bar

As he walks to the counter, he sees a one foot tall man playing the piano. He comments the player on his skill, and then sits down and orders a beer. The bartender reaches down and hands him an empty bottle.

"What's this?" asks the man. "I asked for a beer." "That's the wishing bottle," the b...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Female urologist

Yesterday I had an appointment with an urologist for a preventive check up.
For my surprise the urologist was a very hot looking girl.
She noticed that I was nervous and tried to make me feel more confortable:
- Don't worry! I'm very professional and I've seen and done a lot of things. Y...

The search for the Pacific Ocean

9 years ago, a teacher asked a kid if he knew where the pacific ocean was. He replied, "No miss! I'm not aware of the location of the pacific ocean." The teacher furious, asked him to get out and not come back to his class till he knew the location of the pacific ocean.

The boy, distraught, y...

Semi clean jokes that aren't pervy and don't include death?

I hope I'm okay to post a request - I'm in a hospital with my mother-in-law who continues to have small strokes as a result of her cancer. She can understand what we are saying but can only say yes and no. Most important she can laugh when she hears a good joke. This is where you can help. I need so...

A man walks into a bar,

And sees a bunch of meat hanging from the ceiling. Thinking this is rather odd, he goes over to the bartender and asks about the meat on the ceiling.

The bartender tells him, "if you can jump and touch any piece of meat up there, you get free drinks for the night. If, however, you miss, you ...

What do Trump and Kennedy have in common?

Nothing yet, but lets stay hopeful.

In the land of Cheerios...

In the land of Cheerios there is a cast system. At the top there are the king and queen Cheerios, next come the noble Cheerios, then the night Cheerios who are responsible for law enforcement in the land, then come the peasant Cheerios who are somewhat oppressed but work hard and get by, and then th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Real Rabbi Joke

OK - so many years ago, i was actually a practicing jew, in a yeshiva no less. The rabbi's would sometimes tell us jokes. most were awful. this one i thought was amusing. in a reddit filled with old reposts, i think it'll at least be a bit fresh.

A long time ago there was a small jewish commu...

Hilary Clinton and Donald Trump in a hot air balloon

Hilary invites Donald on a bury the hatchet secret meeting before the knives come out in the run up. A little while into the trip she springs a surprise on the other President hopeful..

" So Trump.. I would like you to say hello to our pilot, Pedro who happens to be Mexican, and my assistant,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A graduate has an interview at a fancy restaurant

A young achiever recently graduated from university and is in the process of interviewing for her first "real" job. She made it past the preliminaries with one of her preferred employers and was invited to have dinner at a fancy restaurant with her potential boss. Naturally, she arrives early to mak...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man went to Japan on business

A man went to Japan on business, and while there, decided to check out the Japanese prostitutes he'd heard so much about.

He goes to a brothel a friend had told him about and selects a girl of his liking. She takes him to a room and right before he's about to make love to this striking beaut...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Jewish man walks onto a plane.

His seat on his ticket is in the middle of a Christian and a Muslim man. Looking towards history, these groups of religions haven't tolerated each other, but the Jewish man does not believe in discrimination! He sits next to them, and decides to make conversation. He turns to the Christian man and a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Navy SEAL Training [KINDA nsfw]

A component of the gruesome Navy SEAL training is to stand in the middle of the desert with a goat as your only companion. You have plenty to drink and eat. It's a psychological test.

So this particular Navy SEAL hopeful was doing pretty good, waiting for more than a month in the desert with ...

The psychiatric ward is overcrowding.

So the psychiatrist decided to have a test to see which patient is cured.

He drew a door on the wall and straight away, all the patients started charging at the door, scratching desperately, bloody nosed and torn nails, except one fellow sitting placcidly on his bed.

Feeling very hop...

A blonde decided to go ice-fishing

...so she packed up all her gear and went ice fishing. She cut a hole and put the fishing line down the hole. After 15 minutes, after feeling nothing, she wasn't sure there would be a fish, so she prayed to her God, asking for a fish to please come bite her line. A few minutes later, a loud booming ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Topical Jokes (5/22)

Hope everyone had a wonderful Wednesday but we can never escape the jokes!

First up, the FCC announced today that they would start to allow more sex during peak kids' TV hours. So look out for PBS's new show starring Big Bird's cousin, Kandi Kanary, in "Sesame Red Light District".

Weir...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.