My friend Billy Bob and I visited a place where you can stand in three states at once: Oklahoma, Kansas, and Missouri. Billy Bob opened up and said that he was actually in a fourth state; crippling depression. I said, “I’m so sorry”

“... but you can’t count Missouri twice.”

Depression/suicide jokes are basically yo mama jokes of our generation — they're lazy, unfunny and useless

Just like me

Depression levels

Therapist: on a scale of 1 to 10 rate your depression.



Me:. π


Therapist: what


Me: low level and never ending.

What do you call a public official with depression?

a person in a zolofty position

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A farmer quickly purchased land in a low lying depression, and began raising donkeys there. He did so with skill, and the donkeys rarely got away.

In other words, he hauled ass to amass asses in a hole asset, whole-ass not half-ass, lassoed the asses so they wouldn't by pass the ass hole.

If 4 out of 5 people suffer with depression in their lifetime

Does that mean one actually enjoys it?

Did you hear the latest Microsoft Office update can cure depression?

It gives you an improved Outlook

A joke I heard recently about depression:

One day, a man is so sick and tired of the usual routine that he decides to finally take action and seek a doctor for psychological help.

He goes to the doctor and confesses for the first time the feelings which haunt his daily life: how he perceives the world is harsh and cruel, how he feels...

I'm taking HGH for my depression.

Now I can beat myself up a lot better.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A chronic masturbator has depression. His motto:

When the going gets hard, get harder.

Apparently, Nevada has the highest rate of depression and disloyal partners.

What a sad state of affairs.

Doctor: I'd give him Lithium for his severe depression.

If that doesn't work, Barium.

My wife told me today that she's suffering of depression.

I said "I think it's contagious because whenever I'm around you I wanna kill myself too."

The cure for my depression is right around the corner...

Yep here comes the train now.

My therapist said the best treatment for depression is to vigorously rub salt into my skin in order to draw out excess moisture.

Wow thanks I'm cured.

45 year old me: "Doctor, I have post birth depression." Doctor: "But you haven't birthed."

Me: "But I was born"

My doctor told me to drink hard alcohol for my depression...

Turns out absinthe makes the heart grow fonder.

What’s the best way to overcome depression?

Love it, so it leaves you as well.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance

Saturday, Sunday

Depression

The only thing keeping you up at night is not wanting to wake up.

A lot of my friends really struggle hard with drug addiction, depression, and a feeling of indifference to the world.

But they always came easily for me.

It's been raining for 3 days without stopping. My wife is in depression, she is standing and looking through the window.

If the rain doesn't stop tomorrow, I'll have to let her in.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"I want to prescribe you new cutting edge drug against depression. But I have good news and bad news about the drug"

"I would prefer to hear bad news first".

"Okay. Bad news are that said drug has many side-effects. You will feel dizzy, tired, bad taste in your mouth, periodical urges to vomit, etc."

"And good news?"

"You won't give a fuck."

I have been trying Chinese medicine for depression for about two months now

I think its working. My tears have certainly been repressed.

How many depression counselors does it take to treat a patient who've seen the same joke thrice in a day?

I will let you know when I recover.

What do private roads and people with seasonal depression have in common?

Neither gets plowed in the winter.

Will Smith walks into a group therapy session for depression...

“So that’s it, huh? We some kinda suicide squad?”

What do you call a cantaloupe with clinical depression?

Melon-choly

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did you hear about the doctor who prescribed viagra to the man with depression?

He said things just keep getting harder and harder.

I wanted to build my career on making chemistry jokes to cure my depression.

Then I realized alcohol is a solution.

Being in a state of depression is one of the worst place to find yourself.

But at least it's not Mississippi.

What caused the Great depression?

A lack of comedians

I really hope this country doesn't slip into depression...

Because if it does Trump will make sure it is the *Greatest* depression it has ever seen.

Depression...

Me: Depression is the worst. I just want to sleep all day, I've been eating the same thing for every meal, life has lost its color—

My dog: oh my God, I have depression

Hulk Hogan: Doc, I had to struggle through manic-depression all my career!

Therapist: Are you saying you had to wrestle mania?

The inventor of the light bulb has recently been diagnosed with depression.

I wonder how many people it took to change him.

After both suffering from depression, my wife and I were going to commit suicide yesterday.

But once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better.

I'm not saying cosmetic surgery cured my depression

But it definitely put a smile on my face.

Michigan is leading in rates of both marital infidelity and depression.

It's a sad state of affairs.

Why did the restaurant staff deem the waiters absence due to depression to be a technical issue?

Because their servers were down.

Depression

Doctor: I think you suffer from seasonal depression.

Patient: I think it’s chronic depression.

Doctor: why?

Patient; because I hate my life in the summer too.

I started teaching a rope tying class a couple hours before a depression support group

It was incredibly successful but it died out quick

Depression in Mexico

There are been a sharp increase in depression in Mexico since Trump got into office on the platform of building a wall between the two countries.

Leading mental health experts have said that sadly many Mexicans will never get over it.

Your mother is so fat that she fell into deep depression

and she broke it.

What's the difference between crippling depression and crippled depression?

One can't get out of bed because they're depressed, the other is depressed because they can't get out of bed.

What do you call symptoms of depression?

"Blues Clues"

Travel advisory: Polar bears visiting the South Pole have been reporting extreme manic depression.

It's not easy being bipolar.

I have a cross eyed friend who just got diagnosed with depression.

Makes sense because he never looks forward to anything.

Two guys are walking through the forest and come upon a depression, in the middle of the depression is a hole.

So, they decide they want to see how deep this hole is.

They take a handful of rocks and throw them in the hole. They listen ... but never hear them hit the bottom.

They find a much bigger rock. They roll it to the edge of the depression and push. It rolls to the middle and falls down...

What do you call a 23 year old guy with no friends, depression, social anxiety anda no job?

An average redditor

Doctor said getting some natural light would help with my depression.

Now I'm depressed *and* hung over.

A man with manic depression buys a heart rate monitor

It was made by Polar

A motivational speaker retired due to depression

He discovered he had B Negative blood

Since we are doing time period jokes: A Joke from the Great Depression.

Government: you have two cows

Socialism: You keep one cow's milk and the government takes the other and gives out its milk.

Communism: The government takes both cows and gives its milk away as it sees fit.

New Dealism: You get rid of both your cows and milk the government.

Arkansas ranks highly among other states in terms of depression and adultery

It's a sad state of affairs.

Depression.

Why treat it when you can end it?

Atleast my crippling depression keeps me going

I'm a real self-loathivator

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

3 generations of prostitutes were sitting around a table one night...

The daughter complains,"This year has been rough. I'm only getting $20 to fuck a guy!"

The mother pipes up and says, "Back in my day we only got $10 bucks!"

Then the grandmother speaks up and says, "During the Great Depression we were happy to just have something warm in our bellies."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"Masturbation can help relieve depression and lead to a higher sense of self-esteem, as well as reduce the risk of prostate cancer."

And apparently that is not the correct answer to give when being questioned by the police as to why I was jacking off while riding the bus.

Depression

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I felt like I needed to end it all, so I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I c...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The county's eldest man had just turn a 100 years old and local tv was reporting on the event...

The reporter had her crew set up in the living room of the retirement home where the man, born in 1919, was watching days pass by.

She sat on a chair in front of him, ready to start taping the feel-good segment of the night's local news.

"I'm with mister James Woodson, our county's eld...

I have been struggling with depression and thoughts of suicide but my friends have been very supportive...

they insist that I go through with it.

This morning, I was diagnosed with depression in the head.

Me: I cheated on my girlfriend and she found out last night. We broke up.
Doctor: Is this the cause of your depression?
Me: No, I think the chair she threw at me did it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

In the midwest during the depression, a guy went to work on a ranch in exchange for room and board

After several weeks of no women and being far from the nearest town, the guy was getting horny. He asked the rancher if there was anything he could recommend. The rancher said, "I have a horse in the barn." The guy responds, "Thanks, but no."

After a few more weeks, the guy is even worse, ...

What does a bully say to someone with severe depression?

Stop hating yourself, stop hating yourself!

Upvotes are like a Russian tank turret.

More protection, less depression.

Winds of 108mph, structural damage, flying debris, massive depression, icy blasts, communication difficulties, untold misery and suffering...

Yes, I forgot our anniversary again.

1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Bargaining 4. Depression 5. Acceptance ...

The 5 stages of buying petrol.

Guilty and Depression!

A young woman took her troubles to a psychiatrist.

"Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date a nice guy, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."

"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, ...

Have you ever observed the depression cycle of a snail?

It's pretty much a downward spiral.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two Jews during the depression

Two Jewish guys are liking for work during the depression. They come across a atholic church that has a sign saying , "get saved; convert and receive $25".
One if the guys says, "my children are starving, I need that money" and goes in the church. His buddy waits for him and about am hour later h...

A snake goes in to see the optometrist because his eyesight is failing.

“It’s actually affecting my life. I can’t hunt anymore because I can’t see.”

​

The doctor fits the snake for glasses and the snake immediately notices an improvement in his eyesight. A week later, the doctor calls the snake to check how the glasses are holding up.

&am...

President of Columbia has announced that the country is going into severe economic depression...

...since the deaths of Amy Winehouse and Whitney Houston.