Maybe if the grass on my front lawn had depression

It would cut itself

My doctor prescribed a new drug to treat my depression.

It’s called Enditol.

I have a depression joke...

but ultimately it’s too long, doesn’t really go anywhere, and eventually makes you wonder if it’s even worth continuing

I used to suffer from depression but through hard work, persistence, and never giving up

I now suffer from anxiety and depression

Depression/suicide jokes are basically yo mama jokes of our generation — they're lazy, unfunny and useless

Just like me

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I respect cancer more than I respect depression.

At least cancer has the balls to kill you himself.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why doesn't Viagra help with depression?

It just makes things harder.

I remember the first time I confessed to my dad that I have depression

I told my dad "Dad...I'm suicidal"

And he says "Hi, Suicidal, I'm Dad!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Irritable Bowel Syndrome saved me from depression...

It’s hard to feel empty when you’re so full of shit.

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Having a massive penis is a lot like having depression...

it's just something you learn to live with.

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What's the difference between my ex and my depression

My depression fucked me harder

How do you get over seasonal depression?

You just fall out of it

Today I learned about the links between high intelligence and depression

I just wish it made me feel better....

A resident of St. Louis was recently diagnosed with depression

He's living in Missouri.

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An elderly inventor was becoming depressed with his life: his hearing was failing, his wife was always nagging him, he hadn't invented anything good in years, and his former good looks had been replaced by wrinkles and sagging skin.

He goes to the doctor to discuss his depression. When he arrives back home he has a huge smile on his face. He rushed past his wife and heads into the basement, where he immediately starts tinkering with a brand new invention.

His wife comes downstairs, gives the invention a once-over, then...

The other day I tried an escape room called depression

And I did not escape

Women were twice as likely as men to experience depression this year.

No one was eating out.

I suffer from depression, but my aunt, who dotes on me, always knows how to cheer me up

you could say she's the perfect auntie-dote to my misery

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A farmer quickly purchased land in a low-lying depression and began raising donkeys there. He did so with skill and the donkeys rarely got away.

Long story short, he hauled ass to amass asses in a hole asset, whole-ass not half-ass, lassoed the asses so that they wouldn't bypass the ass hole.

They've found a cure for depression!

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I was having issues in my personal and professional life. I hated everyone. I was on the brink of a mental breakdown and depression. I decided to see a therapist about it. The therapist suggested that I should write letters to the people I hate and then burn them. I must admit I feel much better...

But now I don't know what to do with the letters.

Instagram causes depression in teenage girls...

...just like everything else.

To whoever stole my depression medication.

I hope you're happy.

"Listen son, I don't really think ur depression jokes are appropriate"

"what jokes"

Why did the restaurant staff deem the waiters absence due to depression to be a technical issue?

Because their servers were down.

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Therapist recommended I try using CBT to help with depression

I still feel dead inside, but at least now my balls are too

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The moth with depression

One evening physiotherapist is beginning to count down the minutes until he can close up his practice when his Secretary tells him that he has a walk in client, “well we are still open, so be it” says the physiotherapist “send them in!” The Secretary then gets kind of nervous and reveals that the cl...

My friend, Karen, and I visited a place you can stand in three states at once: Oklahoma, Kansas and Missouri. Karen opened up that she was actually in a fourth state: crippling depression. I said, "I'm so sorry"

"...but you can't count Missouri twice."

What do you call depression that runs in the family?

Blue genes!

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Hulk Hogan: Doc, I had to struggle through manic-depression all my career!

Therapist: Are you saying you had to wrestle mania?

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because it had crippling depression, it was constantly reminded that it's life was worthless to those it was looked down on by. A mere piece of meat, not a living creature, worthy of respect, and dignity. It didn't want to live in a constant state of fear and depression, knowing that it's only purpo...

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Kid sees their grandma taking pills and asks...

"Grandma, why do you need to take all those pills?"

"Well, Grandma needs to take the green medicine for her headaches, but the green pills give her diarrhea. So grandma needs to take the yellow pills for the diarrhea but those pills always make grandma very depressed. Because of her depress...

Which came first? Having to do yard work or my drinking problem?

Trick question. It was my depression.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance

Saturday, Sunday

Basic Psychology

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test. Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrol...

People say you cant be sad in Hawaii, its a magical place

Apparently, they've never heard of a tropical depression.

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Thank you for calling the Psychiatric Institute of Mental Health

If you have an obsessive-compulsive disorder, please press button 1. Again. And again. And again.

If you have a multiple personality disorder press in rapid sequence keys 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you suffer from paranoia, we have to inform you that we already know who you are, what you d...

After the car crash that left me brain-damaged, things were really looking down

I used to be a carcinologist that specialised in lobsters. I loved what I did, but I couldn't even get out of the house on my own after the accident, much less go to work. I fell into a deep depression.


My scientist friends wanted to cheer me up, and so they engineered a robot lobster tha...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My therapist said the best treatment for depression is to vigorously rub salt into my skin in order to draw out excess moisture.

Wow thanks I'm cured.

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Takes place during the Great Depression.

A man and his wife were barely scraping by on their combined salaries, but they weren’t making enough to make ends meet. One night, they lay in bed hungry after skipping supper. Now the woman had an idea, but she didn’t think her husband would approve of it. She turned to the man and said,
“Why ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the Island need a Therapist?

Because it was in a tropical depression.

So a horse is in a farm...

A horse is in a farm when one day he finds a website that claims it can teach any farm animal music.

"That's amazing," thinks the horse "I've always wanted to learn to sing."

He signs up for the website, and within a few weeks he is an incredible singer.

Impressed, he tells his ...

A thug walks into a bar.

He sees a lone man sitting in front of his beer, crying.
He walks up to him, pushes him off the chair, slaps him left and right in the face and drinks his beer.

The man then started crying even louder and sobbing in absolute desperation.
The thug, annoyed, yelled: Why are you crying lik...

Opposites

A theology professor at a rural community college started the class by asking the students, "What is the opposite of joy?" "Sadness," said one student. "And the opposite of depression?" "Elation," said another. "And how about the opposite of woe?"

A redneck in the back of the class stood up f...

I was feeling lethargic and apathetic so I took a vacation to the Bahamas. Still completely unmotivated, I just sat on the beach with a bottle of rum for hours and watched as a storm rolled in.

I was in a tropical depression.

They did a study comparing the brains of 17 people with depression and the brains of 18 healthy people

They discovered that on average, the depressed group had one brain less.

So there’s three guys in the middle of the Great Depression.

Their names are Bob, Joe, and Ronnie. Now Bob, he's a pretty smart guy. Definitely the smartest of the three. Joe is, well he's not great, but he's had a few good ideas in his time. Now Ronnie. Ronnie is dumb. And when I say dumb I mean _dumb_. Like really, really dumb. So one day, these three are p...

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