There were many knights at King Arthur's round table, but without a doubt the fattest was...

Sir Cumference.

He was known for eating too much pi.

If Jesus had his second coming, I doubt he’d let anyone crucify him.

Nobody double-crosses Jesus

Some might doubt that TV shows inspired hundreds of thousands of people to raid Area 51 looking for supernatural beings

but I've seen stranger things

Without a doubt, the Ford F-150

My favorite pickup line.

Dad: Remember son, a smart person always has doubts about something. Only an idiot is always 100% sure about everything.

Son: Dad, are you sure?

Dad: Absolutely.

Without a doubt my favourite Robin Williams movie is

Mrs. Fire

I was once in a meeting with a bunch of people raving about how the script for Tommy Wiseau’s movie is amazing. I finally just said “I doubt it” and they all fell silent and stared at me in anger, until one of them said,

“You really need to read the room.”

Some days I have doubts, but today...

...I just don’t know, man.

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Reasonable Doubt

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse.

In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for ...

I doubt vodka is the answer....

But it's worth a shot

If there's any doubt about what parts of The Hunger Games match the books, we can be sure at least one thing is true to the series; The sound played after someone dies during the games.

That's definitely cannon.

A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency looking to adopt a child, but the social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.

So the couple produces photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.

The social workers are satisfied by this but then raise concerns about the kind of education a child would receive while in the couple’s care.

The husban...

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During my check-up, I asked the doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?" He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now." I guffawed, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."

He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."

You were there for me when I had my doubts, you always gave me guidance, and you always offered me options.

Thanks Google.

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Pregnant With Doubt

When the sergeant told our new commander that his driver could not participate in an upcoming field maneuver because she was pregnant, the enraged commander demanded to know just how pregnant she was.

The sergeant’s reply: “Completely, sir.”

After a Year of use I can say without a doubt that the Nintendo Switch is the perfect console for Me

The Nintendo Sub was too under powered and the Nintendo Dom is more than I can handle.......

I doubt you'd remember that tire joke

It didn't get much traction

When God sends help, don't doubt.

She hurried to the pharmacy to pick up the medication. When she got back to the car, she found her keys locked inside.
The woman found an old rusty coat hanger on the ground. She looked at it and said "I don't know how to use this."
She bowed her head and asked God to send her some help.
Wi...

When people find out I work in a food tinning factory they always doubt my ability to do my job.

But I can.

I think I doubt myself too much

But I'm not sure

Even with short term memory loss I can tell you without a doubt..

man i'm hungry right now

Some people doubt my memory

But I can remember last year as if it were yesterday.

When in doubt ...

Wife : I doubt my husband has been cheating on me.... I have doubt on one woman we both know.... What to do?

Shrink: Take your husband to that woman's doorstep and see if his wi-fi connects automatically.

What do you call someone who loves Christmas but doubts the existence of God?

Eggnog-stic.

"These speakers didn't cost that much so I doubt they will work well"

"that is a cheap stereotype"

“Mrs. Barber, medically impossible though it seems at your age, there’s no doubt about it: you’re pregnant.”

Carla was well into her sixties when she went to her doctor complaining of nausea, exhaustion, and occasional cramps. After a thorough examination the doctor sent her to the hospital for a battery of tests, and finally confronted her with the results. “Mrs. Barber, medically impossible though it see...

I thought about going to a psychic, but then I started having doubts and changed my mind

At that moment I received a text message that said "Well, that's too bad"

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Everyone Knows Dave

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave ...

A drunk guy walks into a bar...

He says: "Bartender, Pour everyone here a drink, pour one for yourself and give me the bill."

The bartender does just that and hands him the bill. The drunk goes: "Oh I don't have enough money"

The bartender slaps him a few times and tosses him out.

The next day the same guy wal...

People doubt me when I mention how accepting Canada is towards the LGBT community.

But it's Trudeau.

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I doubt he got the job.

A guy is on a job interview when he gets asked "what would you say is your worst quality?" He replies "honesty." Interviewer says "well, I think that's a great quality to have!" Guy says "I don't give a FUCK what you think."

I had doubts about buying a big metal cabinet with a locking door for my guns

It turned out to be a safe purchase.

A man is in court for murder

So a man is in court and is suspected of murder. His defense lawyer is at the last legs of his argument. In one final attempt, he says to the court

"In ten seconds the man my client is suspected of murdering will walk into the courtroom completely unharmed".

The defense lawyer counts...

An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Russian are looking at a painting of Adam and Eve The Englishman admires it and says, "Look at them, calm, reserved and proper, they were surely English."

The Frenchmen laughs and replies "They are naked and beautiful, there is no doubt they would be French."

The Russian slowly shakes his head, "My friends, they are definitely Russian. No clothes, no house, no possessions, they have only an apple to eat and they are told this is paradise."

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A classic. No doubt you've seen it before, but here goes:

In Heaven, there is the ideal citizen of the world:

He has the MANNERS of the Englishman, and the SEX APPEAL of the Spaniard.
He has the HUMOUR of the Irishman, and the BRAIN of the German.
He has the STYLE of the Italian, and the COURAGE of the Scotsman.
He has the MUSCLES of th...

A man walked into a bar with his pet octopus.

He went up to the counter and bet everyone in the bar $50 that they couldn’t bring the octopus a musical instrument that it couldn’t play.

One man pulled an old guitar off the wall that hadn’t been tuned in years and gave it to the octopus.

The octopus took the guitar, tuned it right ...

Wife: "If you won $1M from the lottery but I got kidnapped for a ransom of $1M, what would you do?"

Husband: "Good question, but I doubt I could strike the lottery twice in a day!"

I’d tell you a Jesus joke,

But I doubt I’d nail it.

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Budweiser method

These three guys are in a bar, having a few beers, and checking out the babes as they enter the establishment. One walks in, rather attractive, and they "discuss" her "rating," which is on a 1 to 10 scale. One says, "I'd give her a 7. She's really quite pretty." Another agrees, and so does the third...

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Just came out to my family as sapiosexual.

Everyone’s crying. My mom’s asking me if I’ve ever really given fucking morons a chance before.

My girlfriend sits there quietly, no doubt solving complex math problems in her head for fun.

My mother asks, “So when you go out to eat, who calculates the tip? Both of you?!”

Indubi...

A man went to a petstore

There he saw a parrot. The seller saw him looking and told him,

"That parrot can learn to say anything."

The man thought that sounded cool, so he bought the parrot. He went home and said to the parrot,

"I can talk"

"I can talk," the parrot repeated.

"I can walk"...

Misunderstood

An old joke ..hope you guys enjoy it..

A really hot, young lady was sitting on a park bench and sucking on a popsicle cooling off the summer heat. A young man sitting next to her is staring in amazement at the young woman sucking on the popsicle. Getting annoyed at the young man's gaze, the ...

My brother told me that people think I am a untrusting pothead.

I highly doubt that.

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There once was a king who had a very promiscuous wife.

Having severe doubts on her, he decided to confirm his doubts by performing a test. He hid a tiny blade in his wife's vagina. A few days later, he inspected the penis of everyone inside the palace. And sure enough, there was a cut on everyone's penis, except for the king's minister. The king was dee...

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A man was robbing a house

He snuck in at the dead of night, the owners weren’t home. Good. He started to clear the expensive stuff off the shelves in the living room, he reached for an expensive-looking pen on display when he heard a distant voice whisper “Jesus is watching you”

Startled, he looked around yet saw no o...

The Pope and Trump were on stage in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leaned towards Mr. Trump and said, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand, I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they sp...

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So a British SAS squadron and an American Marine squadron are arguing together who are the bravest soldiers...

A British SAS squad and an American Marines squad are together in the middle of a city. The commanding officers of each group are discussing the merits of SAS vs Marines: these officers have reputations for being the strongest, toughest and most feared men in the whole of the armed forces. The Ameri...

A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate

A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of th...

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2 men visits a prostitute

First guy went into the bedroom, came back out 10 minutes later disappointed
Second guy asked "What's wrong?" First guy says "She's not even worth it, even my wife's better than that." The second guy wanting to go a round for himself, walks into the bedroom. Shortly after 10 minutes, the second ...

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Once a man decided to worship a Celtic god of good fortune named Sucellus.

(*This particular god carries a large hammer*) Since nobody has worshipped him for millennia, the God was pleased and decided to appear before the man.

God: You mortals have forgotten me for so long. I am very flattered that you thought to worship me. For that I will grant you three wishes.<...

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