While I was talking with Siri I said “Surely you can look this up”

Siri replied “Don’t call me Shirley”

Then I realized I had airplane mode on

The sky above looked ominous, so I asked Siri, "Surely, it's not going to rain again today?!"

It replied, "It is and don't call me Shirley!"

Guess I forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode…

You're surely familiar with Murphy's Law, but do you know what Cole's Law is?

It's a cabbage salad, often served as a side dish at a BBQ.

It has been said that a million monkeys hitting keys at random on a typewriter keyboard for an infinite amount of time will almost surely type complete works of William Shakespeare.....

With the advent of internet, now we know that is not true!

OCD Bartender

A husband and wife walk into the cleanest bar you've ever seen. It is their monthly date night and they are dressed to impress! The first thing they notice walking through the doors is a sparkle emitting from the glasses across the establishment. They look around and notice pictures on the wall line...

Surely it can't be a coincidence that Kermit the Frog and Alexander the Great share the same middle name...

Hmmmm

A Nun is very distraught...

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'

'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf w...

2016: Surely Donald Trump won't win

2017: He can't do that... right?

2018: I hope my district wins the Hunger Games!

Angela Merkel, Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump are shot during a conference and die...

Up in the sky, they are greeted by Saint Peter who says: ‚You have died. As you are politicians, surely you have sinned. Therefore you must wade through the Swamp of Lies before you can go to Heaven and join Him in eternal happiness.‘

As in her former life, Merkel wants to tackle every challe...

The caretaker of a generation ship was on his death bed

Many years before, Jacques had helped place all his friends and family into cryogenic sleep. He was a young man then and they all knew that he would likely be long dead by the time they reached their destination. They said their tearful goodbyes and drifted off to sleep.

In the years he spent...

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Three men go to hell and they’re pissed

“Surely we weren’t that bad?” they ask themselves. “There has to be something we can do to get out of here.”

Satan suddenly appears and says “Oh, but there is! Withstand ten whippings from my trusty whip here and you’re free to go. I’ll even let you pick something to cover your back with”
...

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I visited my doctor last week, and he told me I had to stop masturbating. I asked him why, surely it’s not dangerous.

He said it was distracting him.

A journalist asked Tim Cook why iPhones are so expensive

"Well", said Tim Cook, "that's because the iPhone replaces a whole bunch of devices. A phone, a camera, a watch, a music player, a video player, a PDA, a voice recorder, a GPS navigator, a flashlight, a calculator, a portable gaming console, and many other things. Surely, a high price is worth payin...

Once lived a man with his mother, who dreamt of buying a car everyday.

But those were hard times. Money was scarce. Jobs weren't easy to get. So, he applied to work as a worker in a dairy factory, coz who doesn't want to have milk, but soon realised with his monthly wages, it'll take him 10 years to save enough money for the car.

Next, he applied in a newspaper ...

Yesterday I met my friend from Slovakia.

He had just opened up a trampoline park near the border there, yet he seemed saddened by something when I walked in. He looked up at me with tired eyes so I asked him what was wrong:

‘What’s the matter?’ I asked. ‘There are many people here, surely business is doing well?’

He replie...

Nintendo: surely you can't come up with a worse name than Wii U

Microsoft: hold my beer

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A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the san...

My doctor said I should exercise on top of a healthy diet.

But surely a treadmill would make more sense?

Trump says: "The Continental Army… manned the air, it rammed the ramparts, it took over airports, it did everything it had to do." What, you don't believe they took over airports?

Surely you've heard of the Jefferson Airplane?

A priest, a bishop, and the Pope are enjoying a leisurely day of fishing...

...when the bishop stands up, rocking their dinghy a little as he stretches. "Well, I'm parched!" he announces. "Back in a verse," he adds before stepping out of the boat, casually walking across the lake to the cooler. *Amazing, he is truly blessed by the Lord to walk across water,* thinks the Pope...

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A man walks into a bar...

And notices a very large jar on the counter,and sees that it's filled to
the brim with £10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"

"Well..., you pay £10, and if you pass three tests, y...

A man sits down alone at a restaurant.

As soon as he sits down he sees a very attractive woman sitting across from him in the next booth. “Surely she is waiting for someone.” thought the man. “There is no way someone that attractive could be eating alone.”

Well the meal goes on and no one shows up to sit with the attractive woman....

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A man walks into a bank

He's accompanied by a broker. The man asks to speak to someone about making a large deposit, so the banker sends him straight to the boss.

"Good morning," says the man, "I'm here to deposit $40,000.

"Well now," says the banker, "how did you acquire such funds? We like to keep a clean n...

So proud of my son

I'm so proud of my son.
I gave him one of those watches with a step counter, and just from walking in his bedroom, 40,000 steps in 1 day!

I would just love to congratulate him as I will surely be getting him a reward for his perserverence.

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The tenant calls furiously his landlord...

Puzzled by the call, the landlord goes to the tenant's house and knocks the door. As the door opens, he glimpses next to the roof a small fish moving its tail gracefully.

**Tenant**: Oh here you are, how dare to ask such a rent for this crappy house??

**Landlord**: I'm not following yo...

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A DEA agent stopped at our farm yesterday.

“We are going to need to search your land for illegally grown drugs.”

I said, “that’s fine, but don’t go into that field over there. You won’t like it.”

Agitated by this, the officer explodes saying, “do you see this god damn badge son?! This badge means I can go where I please, when I...

Sorry I’m English btw

I went into the shop the other day. Saw a ready made burger. When I went to the till the lady said “that’s £2 please”
I replied ”surely it’s 25p”
She looked at me, confused.
Dunno why, it’s a quarter pounder after all!

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I saw a pirate at the bar, he had a claw for a hand, a peg leg, and an eye patch on.

I saw a pirate at the bar, he had a claw for a hand, a peg leg and an eye patch on.

I asked what misfortune caused the loss of his leg. “A shark bit me leg clean off”

Curiosity piqued, I asked about his hand. “This beheaded fish still had the gall to bite down mighty fierce”

Las...

4 people are on a crashing plane, but there are only 3 parachutes.

The first person the grab a parachute is Brad Pitt and as he reachs for the door he says, "My family and my fans need me surely you will understand.", off he goes.

The next person to grab one is Donald Trump:
"Im the most intellegent president this nation ever saw i will do great things...

Murphy met Sharon at his bar one night.

They enjoyed each other's company very much and at the end of the evening Sharon invited Murphy to her place, where they quickly got involved in a very passionate and energetic session in bed together.


Finally, tired and satisfied, they both lay back in the bed and snuggled up close to ...

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RE-RE-RE-REMIX - So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet...

*This is a parody because the original is posted almost daily*

So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, “Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?”

“Yup”

“What if you miss?”

He lo...

One day a horse is watching a music video [Long]

One day a horse is watching a music video and decides that he himself, wants to make a music video.



In preparation, he goes to the phone book and looks up a local music teacher. He calls him up and says


"Hey, I saw that you teach musical instruments, and I really want to ...

I was walking past a homeless man when he yelled, "Stephen King is my older brother and he stole the ideas for all his novels from me!"

Unconvinced, I replied, "Surely, you must be Joe."

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Russian are looking at a painting of Adam and Eve

The Englishman admires it and says "Look at them, calm, reserved, and proper, they were surely English."

The Frenchmen laughs and replies "They are naked and beautiful, there is no doubt they would be French."

The Russian slowly shakes his head "No clothes, no house, no possessions, th...

A joke my dad told me years ago, about a perfectionist.

Here we have a perfectionist who is looking to build a brick extension to his house. After doing done calculations, he comes to find that he will need exactly 999 bricks. With his new information, he heads to the local hardware store to order a pallet of 999 bricks. Unfortunately, the manager said t...

The Blonde Nun

One night a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her.


"My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend...

A doctor and a lawyer get into a car crash...

Both cars are badly damaged, but amazingly, neither of them are hurt. As the lawyer crawls out of her BMW, she sees that the other car is a Porsche. She says, "I see you're an affluent man, probably a doctor. I'm a lawyer... Gosh! Just look at our cars, there's nothing left, but fortunately we are u...

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A pilot, a captain, and a driver were all stuck in a blimp headed straight towards a city.

The pilot, wanting to save himself from crashing, says “let me steer this blimp off course and land us safely. As a pilot, I have years of experience controlling flying vehicles. A blimp surely can’t be much different from a plane.”

The captain then butted in and said “No, let me take the whe...

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On Christmas Eve, a postman is collecting letters from the post box when he comes across a letter addressed to Father Christmas

Intrigued, he opens it, to find, scrawled in orange crayon, the words

"Dear Santa,

My family is very poor, so this year I don't want any presents. Please could you just send me £20 so I can give it to my parents?

Love Kevin".

Touched, the postman searches his pockets, wh...

A man walks into a hunting store

One day a man walked into a sporting goods store looking to buy a rifle. The man had never been hunting before and asked the clerk if he could recommend a rifle.

"Oh yes," the clerk said. "I'm not a very good shot but I've done quite a lot of hunting in my day, even did some big game hunting...

Tit for tat

A friend asked a gentleman how it is that he never married. The gentleman replied, "Well, I guess I just never met the right woman ... I guess I've been looking for the perfect girl."


"Oh, come on now," said the friend, "surely you have met at least one girl that you wanted to marry?"...

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A man goes to his doctor with a sore arm.

He sits down on the exam table and the doctor looks at his arm.
"What seems to be the trouble today, Mr. Wainscotting?", the doctor asks.
"Doc, I've got terrible pain starting in my bicep and extending down to my forearm." replies Mr. Wainscotting.
"Let's have a look."
The doctor examine...

Unga Bunga

Three men wind up stranded on a deserted island. They encounter a native tribe, who captures them and brings them before their leader.

The chief asks them a simple question: "death or unga bunga?"

Not wanting to die, the first man chooses unga bunga, thinking it must surely be better t...

A joke I heard from my pastor last sunday

A Buddhist, a Muslim and a Christian quarrels over whose god is the most powerful. They eventually decided to have a competition by showing that their god can save them from a grave danger.

So they all went to the edge of a cliff. The buddhist said "I will jump off this cliff but as I call t...

I was walking down the street yesterday and bumped into the ghost of a soldier.

I was walking down the street yesterday and bumped into the ghost of a soldier.

Me: But Mr. Ghost how did I hit you? Surely you're non-corporeal.

Ghost: That's Lance-corporeal to you private.

Two guys found a big hole in the middle of the woods.

First guy says, "Man would you look at that hole, wonder how deep it is?".

Second guy replies, "Good question, let's throw something in there and listen for it to hit the bottom".

So the guys throw in a rock and wait. Nothing.

Next they try a big heavy tree branch. Nothing a...

Not paying for a meal is called a Dine and Dash..

Surely not paying for a haircut is a cut and run?

A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, and a civil engineer were having a drink after work

As they drank, the conversation turned to God. Obviously, he was an engineer! But what sort of engineer?

The mechanical engineer brought up the perfection of the human joints and musculature. Surely that proved God was a mechanical engineer!

The electrical engineer responded that, wi...

What did the zero say to the 8?

Nice belt.

Surely you've heard that before but what did the three say to the eight?

Oh, get a room.

God’s assistant: why did you give man two eyes?

God: So he can know how far or close danger is

God’s assistant: why two ears?

God: So he can know if danger is on the left or right

God’s assistant: then why only one nose? Surely it won’t help identify location of danger.

God: Yes but wouldn’t it be funny when he won’t...

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At the gates of the Vatican, there stood a jew demanding to meet with the pope.

The cardinals on gate duty knew him to be the head of an ancient Jewish family, that had tried to meet with The Pope for generations.

As they were shooing him away, The Pope walked by and heard the commotion.

"what is going on?" he asked.

"Your Grace, it is simply a jew who wish...

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I'm a rectum stretcher...

A woman driving along at speed passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk & asked, 'What's your hurry?'
She replied, 'I'm late for work.'
'Oh yeah,' said th...

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An old lady needs help getting laid...

An old lady hadn't had sex with her husband in years. While he's working one day, she went to the nearby sex shop and asks for a recommendation.

The clerk picked out a pair of crotchless panties assuring the old woman that they will surely put her husband in the mood. The old woman eagerly b...

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The Policeman & The Hispanic

It’s around the holiday season and Bob the policeman is scheduled to work. He decides to set up a speed trap at his favorite roadway in Arkansas.

It’s been a few hours and Bob hasn’t seen a single driver. Just then, suddenly a pickup truck flies past him doing well over double the speed limit...

A man was trapped on his houses roof after his home town was flooded

a man in a row boat approached his house and said "hope in i will take you to safety"

the man declined and said "god will save me"



a short while later a man in a yacht came by and told the man to climb aboard to safety

again the man declined with the answer that god wi...

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A man goes to confessions

He says "Oh father I've committed a grave sin and seek repentance"

The priest replies "my son, tell me what you have done and i will ask God to forgive you"

The man says "Father, the sin I've committed is so bad that I can only tell God myself"

The man insists that he must speak...

So these 2 guys are pretty studious.

They both study pretty hard. Finals are the next day, so they make plans to have a study session. Their teacher is very strict, and says anyone late to class will fail. However, they hear of a party going on. They know they should study, but they can’t reisist a good party.

Predictably,...

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A man is being released from a US hospital.

As he is being escorted out by a nurse, he passes by a patient’s room with the door open and sees that the male patient is masturbating furiously. Confused, he turns to the nurse and asks, “what the hell is going on here?!” The nurse replies, “you see, this man has a serious condition where if he d...

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office

The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it. We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and its 9:30 already. I don't have time ...

1 very stretched breast.

A lady walks into the doctors office,



Doctor: So what's wrong?

Lady: Well... I've got 1 normal breast and 1 very stretched breast and i don't know what to do

Doctor: Surely it isn't as bad, let me see.

\*The lady lifts her shirt and her right breast just drops out...

A Perilous Situation

A blonde and a redhead are hanging from a cliff by a rope. Things don't look good; the rope will surely snap from their combined weight. Unless one of them lets go, they'll both die. The redhead tells the blonde this. A tense silence falls over them. Finally, the redhead sighs.

"I never thoug...

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An old man is at passport control in Paris

He is going through his bag for his passport. The woman on passport control asks him 'Have you visited France before?'

'Yes' replied the old man.

Sarcastically she responds 'Well surely you should know to have your passport ready...' to which he answers 'I didn't have to show it last t...

A man walks through the African wild lands and sees an elephant in distress.

He goes close to it but slowly, knowing that they can become enraged very quickly. Upon closing in on it, the elephant stops trumpeting and looks at the man. There was a minute of intense staring between the two, the man noticed an obvious mark on one of its tusks like a tiny dark grey diamond. Slow...

One of my 9th graders told me this joke. A guy was being investigated by the IRS...

A guy was being investigated by the IRS. After dodging the agent for weeks, his family convinced him to go get a lawyer and go talk to the irs agent.

The guy goes to see the lawyer and they ride together to the IRS office to see what the problem is.

The IRS agent meets the guy and te...

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A fat man passes by a brothel..

... When he sees an advertisement sign stating "New weight loss program, free trial!". Interested in what it might be he enters. A beautiful nice receptionist welcomes him, when asked about the program she replies "In order to get started you've got to enter room one. It's a three day program, toda...

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A Jew, a Muslim and a Christian are all best friends

A Jew, a Muslim and a Christian are all best friends. They have this tradition of meeting up at a certain coffee shop and talking about this and that while they eat their collective favorite desert; cherry pie.

One day, as the friends are enjoying their cherry pie, the topic of who’s religio...

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A British Officer at a Frontier Post

In 1869, a young British officer, prim and proper, arrives at his new garrison post in the northwest frontier of British India. His commander gives him a tour of the somewhat dilapidated fort, and of its surrounding local villages.
"You see", says the commanding officer, "it's mostly camels ...

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A middle aged man is turning 40 and he's feeling severely depressed,

so he decides he'll treat himself to a prostitute. He and his companion for the evening retire to a motel room and he sits down on the side of the bed. The john starts untying his shoes and eventually slips off his socks.

In utter shock, the lady of the night gasps and says "What the fuck is ...

Are you alone this valentine?

Just die on the 13th and you will surely get attentions with flowers on 14th

I speak for the trees!

So an ant is walking through a field, scavenging for food. Suddenly, his legs stiffen up and he has trouble walking. "Feet! He says, angrily. "Why have you failed me? I must search for food, but I am unable to walk." "Not us!" Squeal the feet. "We only are only meant for gripping the ground or ...

St. Paddy's day.

Paddy's wife had watched a cooking show on the telly and was dying to try out the recipe, so she sent him out to Sean's market to buy escargot and told him not to stop by the pub on the way home.

Well, Paddy being Paddy, he decided to pop in for a pint anyways. A quick pint became several. H...

The Cool Clam Club

Deep beneath the ocean there is an exclusive club known for only having the coolest of clams in their midst. This was called the Cool Clam Club.


Now, the Cool Clam Club was known across the seven seas as one of the most prestigious clubs known to seakind due to the fact that their initia...

A traveler was walking along the side of the road hitchhiking on a dark night in the middle of a thunderstorm

Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could barely see his hand in front of his face.

Suddenly he saw a car approaching, moving slowly and appearing ghost-like in the rain. It slowly and silently crept toward him and stopped.

Wanting a ride very badly, the g...

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Once there was a man named Bill

Once there was a man named Bill. Bill got kicked out of his girlfriends apartment and decided to call his buddy Paul.

"Hey, Paul, I got kicked out of my girlfriends apartment. Do you mind if I stay with you for a few days?"

"Sure," said Paul, "but I don't have a couch so you have to sl...

Open and shut case

A cop stopped a speeding car, approached the driver's window and said, "Can I have your license and registration, please?"
The driver said, " I don't have a license. I've never even took driving theory."
The officer asked: " Can I have the car registration?"
"it's not my car, I stole it" an...

A friend messaged me some encouraging words today...

What a thoughtful friend I thought as I read the words he wrote to me. It wasn't until I finished that I realized what he wanted in return...

"See The Bright Side.

Everyone Has Some Good In Them.

Never Go To Bed Mad.

Distrust Will Kill Any Relationship.

New Things ...

Eye Poppingly Funny

I was at a local bar when a woman at a table a few feet away from me sneezed and her glass eye came out and I caught it. I handed it back to her and she popped it in and said thank you. She was a beautiful woman. Gorgeous face stunning body and a beautiful smile to boot. The woman of my dreams righ...

A Cowboy is looking in the market for a new horse...

He walks in to town and sees on a churches sign horse for free come inside and ask the pastor.

The Cowboy walks and talkes to the pastor:

Cowboy: So... I hear you have a horse for free?

Pastor: I sure do, but you have to know that this horse is special. It will only move forward...

A cowboy's horse died on his way to town...

As he was walking down the dusty trail, he happened across a ranch. With a renewed sense of hope, he asked the stable keeper if he had any horses for sale.

"Sorry, I've fallen on hard times myself. I had to sell all of my horses!"

The cowboy noticed a rather strange-looking horse stand...

A king held a contest for all the men in the kingdom and the winner would get his beautiful daughter as his bride.

However, he didn't say what type of contest it was but his daughter's beauty drew many brave contestants.

Once gathered in his castle, he revealed a large moat filled with an assortment of beasts.

"The first man to cross the moat will inherit all my riches as well as my daughter. Who a...

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A drunk man enters his house after a late night at the bar...

Not wanting to wake up his wife and receive a scolding from her, he decides to take off his shoes. While taking off his shoes, the Coo-coo Clocks goes off.

Coo-coo, Coo-coo, Coo-coo.

Thinking the noise will surely wake his wife, he thinks quickly and decides to extend the Coo-coo sound...

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Three engineers are standing together as they discuss the possible developer of the human body.

First one says: "It surely was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all these complex joints."
The second one replies: "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system is made of thousands of electrical connections."
The last one: "No, must have been an archtitect. Who the fuck else would...

The guy is carrying a keg of beer

It's Friday evening, great weather, long weekend ahead. Everything is just perfect.

Suddenly he sees some rusty antique lamp in a pile of garbage. Curious, he picks it up.
Surely enough genie appears.

- what's your wish?

- what, just one?

- yep, this is a used lamp, o...

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Australian Joke. Lady Customer: "We're off to Perth via Broome"

Me: "Surely you could just catch a plane instead."

Husband next to her loosing his shit laughing

True story

I don’t see why Brits don’t celebrate the 4th of July.

Surely 240 years of being officially separate from America is something to be happy about.

A man named Joke

Once upon a time in ancient times, there was a man named Joke. He lived a long and prosperous life, happily married to his wife and having three children.

In the culture that they lived in, most believed that when a person died, a new star was born in the sky for them. However, Joke did not ...

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The Mysterious Bottle of Ketchup

A man wants to throw a party, so he heads into a grocery store looking for supplies. He grabs a shopping cart and combs through the aisles, grabbing everything he could possibly need for the party.

He's about to head out and he does a final mental check of the things he needs. He realises he...

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The Queen and Dolly Parton die on the same day

St. Peter tells them that there is only room for one more today and ask why they should get in.

Dolly takes off her top and says “see these breasts? They are the best ones god ever created, surely they should be in heaven”

The Queen thinks for a moment and pulls out a bottle of Perrie...

[long] Irving worked at a Jewish deli and bakery, and he loved most of his regular clientele, except for one guy...

... this guy would *always* haggle over how much he should spend, even for things that had a fixed rice clearly marked on the menu board.

One day, the guy comes in, and says, "I want to buy your finest loaf of egg bread for Rosh Hashanah. I have a crisp five-dollar bill for you, Irving, my go...

My buddy Jacob is a bad driver

So Jacob got in a bad wreck. His car was totaled. The other car was totaled. He stepped out of his car and went to check on the other driver. He was fine.

Jacob said, "this is a miracle. Look at how bad our cars are and we are totally unscathed. Even still. I have this bottle of wine in my ba...

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The man who prized his daughter.

There was a very rich man who owned a mansion. He held a contest to see who could last in a pool with piranhas. Having an Olympic sized pool in his backyard, he fills it with piranhas and the contestants have to swim across to the other side. Many line up to try and win his prizes which range from h...

Newton [Long]

A man called Newton goes to a Chinese restaurant. He orders some fortune cookies. When they arrive, he opens one and sees what's in it. Only one word is written:

*Newton*

Newton raises his eyes in a mixture of confusion and surprise. How the hell did that coincidence happen? Why was hi...

Satan goes to church

It was a beautiful summer Sunday in a small southern church, songs had been sung, and the preacher was about to begin his sermon. There was suddenly a loud boom of thunder, and in a bright flash and smell of burning brimstone, Satan appeared at the pulpit. It terrified the congregation, and they beg...

A Tv-crew is sent to interview a farmer before the election.

"Could you please share with our viewers, how has the past year been for you?"

"Well, you know I can't complain. I had a very good harvest of wheat, so my family definitely won't go hungry. My vegetable patches brought in amazing organic crops, I was able to sell those at a good profit. And ...

Martians and Jesus

So a Martian arrives on earth. Obviously humanity has many questions for him, so the U.N. decides to arrange a conference. All the world leaders, public intellectuals and religious heads are in attendance to ask their most burning questions.

When it is the Pope's turn, he asks, "I was wonderi...

So a man is chillin' in his sofa one afternoon when suddenly his wife bursts into the room...

She starts yelling:

*"I'm so tired of seeing you there all the freacking day! Go move your ass! Look! I'm cooking a French recipe and I need some snails! Take this cash and get me some!"*

The man tries to elaborate an excuse but the yelling-storm is too strong and blocks th...

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“This is good!”

Once there was a king. His best friend was a commoner, a man who was the son of one of the royal housekeepers. They were of an age, and had grown up playing together in the palace gardens.

As they grew older, the king found himself more and more impressed with his friend’s ability to always ...

An elderly man is having difficulty keeping up with his wife any more

so he goes to see the doctor and is gone for most of the day.

When he gets home, he arrives in a chauffered Cadillac, and is resplendently turned out in pinstripe trousers, waistcoat, frock coat, top hat and spats. He has a gold pocket watch in the waistcoat, a gigantic cigar, and an ebony ...

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A luxury airplane is flying over Europe, carrying five passengers: representatives from England, Japan, USA, Canada, and Russia.

The pilot emerges from the cockpit, interrupting their conversation. "Slowly but surely, we are falling. I will attempt to crash-land as smoothly as possible, but I urge you to jump out with a parachute."

After briefly explaining how to use the parachutes, the pilot goes back to the controls....

Three christian missionaries stumble upon a cannibal tribe in a tropical jungle

They are immediately captured, and taken back to the village.



The first missionary is brought in front of the chief, who amazingly speaks good English.

He tells the first missionary, "head out into the jungle, find a single fruit, and bring ten of its kind back. Don't think of ...

Rich man shenanigans

There was once an extremely wealthy man who was known for his eccentric habits. One fine evening, he sent out an invite to all the young, able-bodied men of his city for a very "special" dinner, promising a grand prize for one lucky soul.

Knowing the rich man's generous nature, a hundred you...

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A woman was at her doctor's office for her annual physical exam.

The doctor looked her over and said, "You seem to be in excellent health, but I noticed you have severe abrasions on your knees and elbows. Do you know what caused them?"

The woman blushed a little and said, "That's from having sex doggy-style."

The doctor asked, "Surely you must know...

There once was a gal named Lewinsky...

Who played music like a Stravinsky.
"Twas "Hail to the Chief"
On this flute made of beef.
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.

Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky,
"We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski.
Since you look such a mess,
Use the hem ...

Just another pirate joke

So there is an amphibian who grew up as a tadpole, and every day, he would see these giant ships passing around him and wanted to take a ride on one.

He asked several captains of the ships if he could ride with them but they all turned them down, saying "What use would I have for an amphibian...

Two lawyers had been stranded on a deserted island for several months.

The only other thing on the island was a tall coconut tree, which provided their food.
And each day, one of the lawyers climbed to the top of the tree to see if he could see a rescue boat coming.

One day, the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "Wow. I can't believe my eyes. There is a girl...

The captured explorer...

There was once an intrepid explorer called Eric, he was wandering in a hitherto unknown part of Africa. One day in the jungle, his guides are ambushed and killed with poison darts. Eric is the only one taken alive and he is bound and gagged. They drag him back to their village and present him to the...

Superbowl

Every seat in the football stadium was sold except one. It was the day of the Superbowl.

A television reporter noticed the empty seat and thought there might be a story.

"Why is this seat empty"", he asked a man sitting beside it.

"That's my wife's seat", came the reply.
...

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I didn't make this 4 years ago. This might not be the worst joke. I'm posting again for the ones who read the original by the original poster...this is my version to pay homage

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-known porn star, and the other is a lazy ass. Lazy ass doesn't have a job and just likes to sit around the house. One Sunday, the porn star is angry and thirsty. He decides to make the brother do something useful....

Something for that cough

The pharmacist needed a short break from the register so he left his son in charge: “just put on the coat and act like you know what you are doing. Ring up the sales as listed. What ever you do, DO NOT give anyone advice. I’ll be back soon”

After a few minutes, a man approached the “pharmac...

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An old salt walks into a harbor bar and sees a man he thinks he knows with a hook hand, a peg leg and an eye patch.

He says,"Ahoy, aren't you Cap'n Jones?", The old sea dog says,"Aye, Cap'n Jones I am." The tar says "I sailed with ye years ago. But last time I saw ye, ye were a whole man. What happened to your leg?" Jones answers "Lost it inna battle, cannonball took it off at the knee." "Surely bad, and how abo...

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There was a man from New York that was driving his rig through the Midwest

It was about 1:00 am, and he was very tired, for he had been driving all day, so he tried to find a place to stop. He was in the middle of nowhere, and there were no motels, rest stops, or truck stops.
After what seemed like hours and hours of combing the road, he finds an abandoned house. It was...

No denying that

A journalist goes to interview an old healthy man on his 105th birthday

Journo: What's the secret to your long healthy life?

Old man: Just one thing: I don't get into arguments

Journo: How can it be just that? Surely you need a healthy diet, good exercise, etc.?

Old man: ...

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