UPJOKE
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My (blonde) sister hates blonde jokes. I (redhead) told her I have a redhead joke for her. She was eager to hear it!

A redhead goes for a drive through the country, just enjoying the peaceful ride with her windows open. She has to stop as a shepherd is moving his flock across the road. The redhead gets out of her car to stretch and has an idea.

"Hey Mister! If I can guess how many sheep you have, may I keep...

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Each year I eagerly anticipate this day so I can share my favorite Dad Joke of all time:

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

This wo...

One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues,

when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver's side door with him standing right there.

"NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same. 

Finally, a cop came by, and the lawye...

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A brave and fearsome pirate sailed toward a small island, in search for buried treasure. He and his crew raced ahead in their rowboat, eagerly awaiting a massive payday. When they shortly came upon a large forest, they searched desperately for the last clue on the map.

As the first mate guided them carefully up to a clearing, he stopped suddenly and pointed at a crouched figure straight ahead.

The captain gasped.

"...Carol??"

"Hey, loser," she droned, relieving herself between two pines. "I see you're still looking for buried treasure like a c...

A blonde is walking along the shoreline of a lake in Minnesota looking for seashells when she spots another blonde across the lake from her. Eager for company she shouts loudly "How do I get to the other side?"

The other blonde shouts back "You're on the other side!"

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A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his:

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out. "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said. "Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him and sh...

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The Queen's breasts

The Queen's breasts

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.

Sid, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death, should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Sid revealed hi...

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign hanging over the bar which read: Cheese Sandwich: $1.50, Chicken Sandwich: $2.50, Hand Job: $10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

“Yes?” she enquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

I was wondering, whispers the man, "are you t...

A robber breaks into a house while the residents are away one dark night. Eager to see what he can loot, he quickly starts searching through cupboards and dressers, grabbing valuables with a trained eye. Suddenly, he hears a voice come out of nowhere. “Jesus is watching you.”

The criminal jumps, scared the residents are back, and freezes. After a few minutes of silence however, he assumes it was his imagination, and goes back to robbing. A couple minutes pass, before once again, the voice returns. “Jesus is watching you.” Quite confused, the thief searches the house and ...

On his 74th birthday, an old man received a gift certificate from his wife...

The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded to go, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.

Th...

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony

On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'

The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'

...

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A guy walks into a fancy club and right past the bouncer.

When the bouncer tries to stop him, the guy says "let me through, I'm fucking rich."

The bouncer, eager for a tip, lets him through. The guy proceeds right to the VIP section, past the ropes, and sits down at the best table.

The bouncer tries to stop him again, but the guy says "I can...

A man suddenly appeared at the gates of Hell… (Story Joke)

He looked up to see the Devil sitting at a chair.

“Hello my friend,” The Devil said kindly, “How are you this fine eternity?”

“A bit confused,” the man replied, “I didn’t realise that I was dead.”

“I understand,” the Devil said sympathetically, “Why don’t you tell me how you go...

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A redditor walks in to bar...

The bartender says, "what'll you have?"

"It's been so long since I've had a good laugh", replies the redditor. "I'll give you $100 if you can tell me a joke I haven't heard before."

"That sounds easy enough", replies the bartender.

"I should warn you", the redditor says, "I b...

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There were two statues in a park, one of a naked man, and one of a naked woman. They had been facing each other for a hundred years across a pathway, when one day an angel comes down, and with a single gesture brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits pati...

Sisters

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It says, 'Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution 15 mi.’

He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought.

Soon, he sees another sign tha...

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A man gets "I love you" tattooed on his penis.

He goes home and tears his pants off, eager to show his girlfriend.
She looks at him and shakes her head saying "there you go again trying to put words in my mouth".

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It was Friday night. Frank, Jim and Ed were at the game ready to watch 26 infected zombie girls tear each other to pieces.

Tied around the inside of the arena, the infected girls are labelled A-Z, with fresh meat tied to their backs to entice them to fight. The winner is the last one standing.

Over 50,000 spectators watch from the stands behind a wire fence, betting slips in hand and eager for the fight to begin....

My (Swedish) grandfather told me this joke

A Swedish immigrant finally arrives at Ellis Island after days at sea, and with only $15 in his pocket. He's eager to get a job, find a place to live, and start his new life in America, but after such a long and hard journey, his first stop is to get a drink to unwind!

He walks into the first...

Costco Doctor

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, John says to Scott, “My elbow hurts like hell.

I guess I'd better see a doctor."

“Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Scott replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer ...

A singing teacher told her eager student 'You should have taken up singing earlier'. The student asks 'Why? Do you think the extra practice would make me a star?'

'No' replies the teacher 'but you would have given up by now'

A young cowboy walks into the saloon.

He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chicken congee.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asked the old cowboy, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"

The older cowb...

A boy is born without a body

A boy is born without a body and miraculously survives. Even though he has no body parts below the neck he manages to make it through high school and on his 18th birthday his father takes him out for his first drink.

The boy drinks his first beer and instantly grows a torso. In utter shock, t...

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A newly married couple visit a doctor.

The doctors asks, "What's the problem?"

Husband replies, "There is a bee stuck in my wife's vagina."

Doctor asks, "How the hell did it get in there??"

Husband, "I'm not sure, but maybe one of the bees, from the beehive right next to our house, happened to get in there, when my w...

A blonde girl...

...wants to know what life is like as a brunette girl, so she goes to the hairdresser and has her hair died brown.

Eager to show the world her newly acquired intelligence, she goes on a walk and meets a shepherd. She walks towards him and says:

"if i can guess how many sheep you have...

NASA Scientists were eagerly waiting for the rover to send back the first sounds from Mars.

A program decades in the making, a feat of engineering never before accomplished. Not only did they include high resolution cameras for the landing, but incredibly robust microphones to capture the first sounds from an alien planet.

The team of people were huddled around a lab station for hou...

A man finally got engaged to his dream woman. Eager to show off his new fiance, he took her to his home town.

Upon arrival, he approached his mother and said, “I’m going to bring home three girls and I want you to guess which one is my fiance.”

Sure enough, twenty minutes later, the man walked in the door with three girls following behind him.

Without a moment’s hesitation the mother pointed t...

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A man walks into a bar and strolls up to the counter

Without a word he pulls out a miniature piano and a foot tall man from his jacket. The tiny man immediately starts playing a beautiful sonata.

"Thats amazing son. Where in the world did you get him from?", asked the bartender.

The man pulls out a magic lamp and sets it on the counter...

A teacher in Ireland is giving an English lesson and asks the class for examples of when they have heard the word "contagious" being used…

One eager child says, "Daddy says to cover my mouth when I cough because my cold is contagious!"

"Very good!" replied the teacher. "Has anybody else got an example?"

"My mummy says my laugh is contagious!" said another child.


"Great answer!" said the teacher, "How about you...

Mother Superior was curious as why all the nuns were suddenly eager to visit the village bakery.

So she decided to journey from the convent and into town to find out for herself.

When she entered the bakery, the baker greeted her with a big smile.

“Greetings Sister! What can I get for you today?”

“What do you suggest?” She asked.

“Well, this new recipe of mine has ...

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One day there were three vampires bragging about their strength and power to each other.

The first vampire said, "look at my skill" and *poof* he's gone in a blink of an eye. He comes back with his mouth covered in blood and says, "see that village over there? I have sucked dry all of the villagers' blood".

The second vampire was impressed but didn't want to seem inferior. *Poof*...

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The Green Dickie!

A nymphomaniac just couldn't get enough pleasure. Not from any man, nor any of the many toys she had collected over the years.

One day, while having coffee with a girlfriend, she told her friend about this problem. Her friend knew exactly what she needed, and gave her the name of a ...

A student sits in class, eagerly listening to the lecture.

Next to him, a classmate who is twiddling his thumbs and spinning a pencil.

The teacher finishes the lesson and asks the students to copy the board.

Soon enough, the teacher walks over to the eager student and asks what he’s doing, as he isn’t writing.

Twiddling his thumbs and ...

Little Benny was very sick, and the doctors had given up hope.

As a last present, his parents brought him to Arabia on a trip. While they were walking through a market, little Benny bought a lamp from a vendor.

When he arrived home, he rubbed the lamp to clean it, and, to his surprise, a genie popped out in a flash of light.

"What is it that you ...

I came up with this joke about a month ago, just remembered to post it.

A young woman had a real big problem, all her life it took her forever to go pee. Sometimes she would be sitting on the toilet for several minutes of agony before she could squeeze out a drop. It also made her so self-conscious that she was scared to date, despite being a fairly attractive woman....

An eager young attorney had just opened his first office.

He'd decorated it with expensive, heavy oak furniture, a collection of costly art posters, and various other accoutrements to impress any potential client who walked through the door.

He'd placed ads and sent out engraved announcements about his new business, and he was sitting back waiting f...

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Hillary Clinton was being driven in a private limo to a rally...

... when suddenly, the car hit a large and old-looking cow.

The driver got out and checked to see if it was dead. After confirming the death, he saw the tag on it that said it belonged to a nearby farm. He told Hillary Clinton that he would be going over to the farm to tell the farmers what ...

Finnish people eagerly await giving up the mandatory social distancing guidelines

So they can return from the government mandated 2 meters of distance to the normal 5 meters

A guy with explosive diarrhea was eager to tell a joke

He couldn't hold it in

A woman sends her husband to the market to sell a goat.

After selling it, he stopped by the blacksmith and bought a vise and a basket. He put the vise in the basket and headed home. On his way back, he saw a merchant selling livestock.
Having leftover money, he decided to buy a duck as well. The merchant tells him:
"Listen mister, I only have these...

Speechmaking

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks &...

How did the eager young altar boy get the holy water ready for the priest?

He boiled the hell out of it.

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A woman visited an Amazonian tribe on a research trip...

She spent several days taking notes on the lifestyle and habits of the tribe and interviewing their ruler, King Paolo, via an interpreter. As the tribe's land was near several rich gold mines, the king and his people were extremely wealthy.

During the woman's time with him, the king fell hop...

One day a boy named Johnny was eager to see his test results, he was delighted when he saw his score, he lept up and shouted

Oh hi mark

With the growing popularity of pigme and dwarf goats being kept as pets, I decided to start a new business. It's already proving hugely popular, theres a massive crowd eager to get in.

'I GROOM KIDS!', is my best idea yet.

A man with an orange for a head is drinking in a bar...

another man walks up to him and says "Excuse me mate, I just wondered how come you've got an orange for a head?"

The man with an orange for a head says "We'll, it's quite a story, if you buy me a pint, I'll tell you."

So the man buys 2 pints and they settle down at the bar. "A few year...

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I asked the hot girl in gym " Whats your New Year Resolution?"

She said "Fuck you!"

I'm now eagerly waiting for the year to end!!

I was at a party in middle earth last night. TreeBeard got wasted and started dunking hobbits into a giant punch-bowl of booze. The dwarves laughed and begged for a turn. Soon, a queue of creatures had formed on his branches, eager to take the plunge. I didn’t get in line. I knew it was a trick…

Because the real punch-line is always in the calm ents

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A lawyer saw a bunch of homeless people eating grass... He goes over and asks them why are they doing that and they tell him that they are homeless and have nothing to eat. Eager to help them out he escorts them to his mansion.. They are very happy and thankful.. He takes one look at them, smiles

And tells them "this is my yard, eat as much as you want, i won't charge you."

Son of a…

A birch tree and a beech tree stood next to each other in the woods. They were tall old trees, and usually got on quite well.

One day they noticed a little sapling between them, far below. The birch noticed first and said “Hey beech! Check out that little son of a birch down there!”
...

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A man walks into a bar, he goes up to the bartender and asks him if he likes to gamble.

A man walks into a bar...

He goes up to the bartender and asks him if he likes to gamble.

The bartender says, "Sure, I'll take a bet. What's your action?"

The man offers a $50 bet that he can bite his own eyeball. The bartender, thinking it's easy money, accepts his bet, and is ...

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Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening...

Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, “It’s the druggist – he insulted me terribly this morning on the phone.” Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the druggist and demand an apology....

With Vladimir Putin so eager to restore ties, I think the U.S and Russia should form one country.

We can call it The United States of Soviet Russia! USSR for short.

A young, eager priest is assigned to a new parish...

A young, eager priest is assigned to a new parish, and the local bishop made a point of asking him to visit the elderly and infirm who weren’t able to attend Mass any longer. Wanting to make a good impression, the priest immediately had the parish secretary make him a list and he began to aggressive...

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A woman comes home early from work to surprise her husband for his birthday.

She enters her house, walks up the stairs, and heads towards the direction of her bedroom. As she eagerly walks to her bedroom, her adrenaline was spiking, she was anticipating a very dirty night. She slowly opened the door and astonishingly, she saw two people on her bed covered with a blanket, wit...

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