The 66+ Best Comic Jokes

My older brother always tore the last pages of my comic books, and never told me why.

I had to draw my own conclusions.

Why should you never date a veteran comic artist?

They make it their business to create a lot of issues.

Lately, whenever I read a comic strip about Charlie Brown or Snoopy I break out in hives.

I think I’m allergic to Peanuts.

I don't really like comic books

They have too many issues

What is a pirate's favorite comic book company?

You may've thought it was Marrrrrvel, but his first love is always DC.

I’m making a comic book about a superhero toilet.

Billionaire bidet, crime fighter by night.

Snoopy writes a Batman comic book.

"He is the Dark and Stormy Knight..."

Why Bilbo had to be Male

Fun fact: Bilbo Baggins had to be a male in order for the plot of The Hobbit to work. If he was instead female, everything would have fallen apart in the goblin cave. Bilbo would have gone off wandering around in the dark and dreary caverns, found the ring, and seen Gollum fishing like in the origin...

Which chemical element could be someones comic book fetish?

Manganese.

Comic Sans walks into a bar

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve your type here."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 men are granted 3 wishes

3 men stumble upon a lamp and they rub it, and out comes a genie. The genie says

"I will grant each of you 3 wishes."

The first man thinks long and hard, and then says

"I want to have a million dollars"

The genie snaps his fingers and poof, the man now has a million dol...

I told my teachers I’ll be the greatest comic ever.

They all laughed at me.

All of a sudden, the Marvel, DC, and Image Comics universes merged into one.

In no time at all, the superheroes joined forces and managed to capture all of the villains and throw them in prison with those special de-powering collars they used in Deadpool 2.

Imagine Magneto's frustration as he was led into a cell and locked up behind metal bars, which normally would be...

I was perfectly sane when I still had a comic book collection

It’s tough when you lose your Marvels….

Why did the Mallard fail as a comic?

His humor was too fowl.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A middle aged man was talking to his elderly father

"I wanted to thank you dad, I remember when I was younger and first dating girls you gave me a piece of advice. You said 'good companion, good in bed, good mother - pick two'"

The father looked kindly at his son and nodded.

"Well, I feel like I have a good life. My wife is kind to me a...

A stand-up comic gets a gig to perform at a old age home.

Soon into his act he notices that most of the old people there are pretty out of it so he tries to tell the same joke twice and people still laugh cos they have already forgotten that they just now heard it.

So he gets a kick out of it and keeps telling the same joke for half an hour and towa...

I'm in prison and decided to start my career here as a standup comic

It helps to have a captive audience

I use to go to a comic book shop that only sold books with female leads;

The owner was apparently arrested for being a heroine dealer.

"What do we want?" "Comic timing!" "When do we want it?"

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Wikipedia suggests the third oldest joke in the world has a missing punchline. I’d like to suggest that Reddit’s most upvoted punchline is the true punchline

From the history segment on the Wikipedia article for joke.

The tale of the three ox drivers from Adab completes the three known oldest jokes in the world. This is a comic triple dating back to 1200 BC Adab. It concerns three men seeking justice from a king on the matter of ownership over a ...

A new standup comic attends his first convention

He's overwhelmed by it all and asks someone for help.

"Don't worry, kid," a veteran comic says. "This is basically a place to test out your material. Watch."

A comic gets up on stage and announces, "Number 876!" He gets a mild reaction from the crowd.

"Number 521!" the comic c...

TIL the next Star Wars movie will debut a new droid with a comically-short attention span.

Its name is 80-HD

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got kicked out of Comic-Con for assaulting a guy who didnt know who Keanu Reeves played in The Matrix

That was the second time I've been called a neo-nazi.

You want to know the best part about being a stand up comic with a stutter?

For my eight minute slot, I only have to write 45 seconds worth of material.

Emo Philips posted his favourite Judy Tenuta joke in honor of her passing:

My favorite Judy Tenuta story: after a show, the comic who opened for her is driving her to their next gig; as they re passing cornfields at 2 AM he asks, "So what did you think of my act" & she replies,
"Ask me again when we get a bit closer to town"

Godspeed, Judy Tenuta.

If you want to see a comic strip,

you should see me in the shower.

So Sandscript, Comic Sans, and Times New Roman walk into a bar.

They order a drink and the bartender says, “Hey you, get out of here! We don’t serve your type!”

Headstone Designer: I'm going to use Comic Sans on your headstone.

Client: Over my dead body!

Headstone Designer: Yes

Back in my day, I could go to the store with a dollar and come back with a bag of chips and a comic book.

Now, they've got cameras

What is the most unrealistic part of the newest James Bond movie?

A Brit with a full petrol tank.

What did the new comic say to the mic?

Thanks for the feedback.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Couldn't believe my eyes when I they gave me a plastic Garfield butt for winning an event at Comic-Con.

Absolute catastrophe!

When is was a kid, mum used to send me the shops wtih 50p. i could come home with a chicken, 2 pints of milk, 6 eggs, 2 packs of bacon and a comic book...

You can't do this nowadays though because of CCTV.

Marvel Comics have announced a new female, Muslim superhero who can fly.

Which is handy, cause she's not allowed to drive.

I saw a stand-up comic doing jokes about botany. Nobody in the audience laughed except one guy.

I looked at him and thought "you're a plant".

What do you call adult nightclubs for nerds?

Comic strips.

If you combine Basil, Parmesan, Pinenuts and Olive Oil you get Pesto. What do you get when you mix Olive Oil, Spinach and Sweet Peas?

You get the comic and cartoon classic Popeye.

I got a comically small deck of playing cards for my birthday.

It wasn't a big deal.

Who Is Jay Gatsby's Favorite Comic Book Character?

Deadpool.

I made an Undertale comic, but it’s all about sans

Well, I guess, you can call it Comic Sans

So DC Comics currency

Superman’s weakness is probably a *krypto* currency

Every time I go to a comic convention in my normal clothes, people ask me who I'm going as. I finally have an answer...

Thanks to Marvel, I'm going as a Skrull in disguise...

I feel sorry for comic book collectors.

They have so many issues

What do you call a comic drawn with only a pencil?

A graphite novel

Three comedians walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What'll it be, guys?"

The observational comic replies, "Isn't this just typical!" The slapstick comedian slips and bangs his head on the bar. Then the absurdist comedian says, "This joke is well-structured in a formal sense but not particularly funny."

I buy every comic book I see. . .

My friends say I have lots of issues.

Why don't you see a lot of bars in comic books?

Because they look sketchy

Elton John has changed career and decided to be a stand up comic

His new gig is just a little bit funny

Plot devices have Mary Sues, comic books have Gary Stus...

Hollywood has Terry Crews.

Did you hear that the director to Pulp Fiction is making a movie based off of a Belgian comic book where the main character gets deathly ill with an incredibly infectious disease and therefore has to cut off all contact with the outside world?

It's "Quentin Tarantino's *Tintin's Quarantino*".

Anything can be comic and anything can be tragic -- that's my big point right there.

I don't think anybody in this room thinks it's funny when a child is decapitated by an airbag. But wouldn't it be a little bit funny if, for 15 minutes before that, the kid was going, 'Mommy, I want a balloon! Get me a balloon! Mommy, I want a balloon!'

KP Anderson

Did you hear about the standup comic who was just released from prison?

Yeah, Gilbert got freed.

(I apologize to Gilbert.)

A comic with the measles did a set at an anti-vaxxers conference.

Needless to say he killed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a comic book hero that is constantly hooked on having sex with female superheroes?

A heroine addict.

I went to buy an Invisible Man comic yesterday.

I couldn't see any.

The Comical Conservative

President Obama walks into a local bank in Chicago to cash a check. He is surrounded by Secret Service agents. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me?"

Cashier:
"It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?"
<...

My friends and I are all dressing as different Robin Williams characters at a Comic Con this weekend...

We're the Suicide Squad!

San Diego Comic Con and Dragoncon are going to pull their resources and merge into one event.

But it was called off because no one was happy with the con fusion.

Did you hear about the chemist turned stand-up comic?

He didn't last too long; his jokes didn't get the best reactions.

My relationship with a comic book collector didn't turn out well

They had a lot of issues

4 million of these people enter our country every year. They are uneducated, unskilled, and contribute nothing. They are a burden to honest, hardworking Americans and our government is doing nothing to stop them, not to mention they're dirty and they smell bad. THEY DON'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH!!

Man, I hate babies.

I wore my "Gandalf for President" shirt to the comic convention.

It got a lot of support, but some were turned off by my candidate's hard stance on immigration.

Breaking News: Snoopy has officially been retired from comics.

He was tired of working for Peanuts.

"Hey, Bill, what do you think of this new super-hero comic I'm working on? It's about an ant-size tangent line that has x-ray vision."

"Sounds cool, but isn't that a little derivative?"

If i wrote comic books about standup comedy using my own material

I would be a comic comic comic.

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