Man I hate comic books

They have too many issues

Elton John has changed career and decided to be a stand up comic

His new gig is just a little bit funny

Comic Sans walks into a bar

The bartender says "Get out - We don't serve your type".

I inherited a bunch of comic books from my brother, but all of them had the last page missing.

I had to draw my own conclusions.

Back in my day, I could go to the store with a dollar and come back with a bag of chips and a comic book.

Now, they've got cameras

Anything can be comic and anything can be tragic -- that's my big point right there.

I don't think anybody in this room thinks it's funny when a child is decapitated by an airbag. But wouldn't it be a little bit funny if, for 15 minutes before that, the kid was going, 'Mommy, I want a balloon! Get me a balloon! Mommy, I want a balloon!'

KP Anderson

Did you hear that the director to Pulp Fiction is making a movie based off of a Belgian comic book where the main character gets deathly ill with an incredibly infectious disease and therefore has to cut off all contact with the outside world?

It's "Quentin Tarantino's *Tintin's Quarantino*".

I saw a stand-up comic doing jokes about botany. Nobody in the audience laughed except one guy.

I looked at him and thought "you're a plant".

Plot devices have Mary Sues, comic books have Gary Stus...

Hollywood has Terry Crews.

So DC Comics currency

Superman’s weakness is probably a *krypto* currency

A man buys a lie detector robot

That slaps people who lie, and be decides to try it out on his son during dinner.

“Where were you during school hours?” He asks.

“At school!” His son replies.

The robot slaps the boy.

“Ok I was at my friends house....” His son says.

“What were you doing there?
<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A comedian is in the dressing room of a comedy club when he sees this guy sitting in the corner...

He wonders why the guy is there but thinks nothing of it. Before the first comedian goes on stage, he approaches the guy in the corner and whips out his dick. The guy in the corner jerks him off real quick, then pulls up his pants and goes on stage.

One by one, each of the other comedians in ...

The CIA,The FBI and the KGB

The CIA, the FBI and the KGB argue about who’s the best at catching criminals.

The Secretary General of the UN decides to test them. He releases a rabbit into the woods and each of the divisions has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some local comedians had just finished up a set at the local comedy club...

So naturally, they sat down at the bar and ordered a round. Now, these guys are pretty fucking funny, and they know every joke in the book. So as they're enjoying their beer, of course, they're cracking jokes with each other. But since they know them so well, they started just referring to them by t...

Every time I go to a comic convention in my normal clothes, people ask me who I'm going as. I finally have an answer...

Thanks to Marvel, I'm going as a Skrull in disguise...

A Star Trek fan meets William Shatner.

"Wow. I can't believe I'm meeting you at Comic Corn."

"Actually, it's called Comic Con"

"Com?"

"Con."

"Cold?"

"Com!

"Cookie?"

"CONNNNNNNN!"

Why did people not like the new Undertale graphic novel?

It was Comic Sans.

A Story behind Cave painting

Cave man[gesturing]: you wanna see some comics I made about elephants, it's quiet funny.

Cave woman [gesturing]: sure.

*Present day*

Archeologist: this wall painting is an beautiful form of art by prehistoric man maybe it's about religion and stuff.

A comic with the measles did a set at an anti-vaxxers conference.

Needless to say he killed.

I went to buy an Invisible Man comic yesterday.

I couldn't see any.

Breaking News: Snoopy has officially been retired from comics.

He was tired of working for Peanuts.

What do you call a comic drawn with only a pencil?

A graphite novel

When is was a kid, mum used to send me the shops wtih 50p. i could come home with a chicken, 2 pints of milk, 6 eggs, 2 packs of bacon and a comic book...

You can't do this nowadays though because of CCTV.

Batman in school

When Bruce was still a kid and was in school, one day a teacher announced  “Listen, children. We’re going to play a game called ‘Three Questions’. When I come to you, I want you to answer these three questions. What’s your name? What’s your dad’s name? What does Dad do for a living?”

When she...

My girlfriend just dumped me because of my superman comic collection.

She said I have too many issues.

I got a comically small deck of playing cards for my birthday.

It wasn't a big deal.

Marvel Comics have announced a new female, Muslim superhero who can fly.

Which is handy, cause she's not allowed to drive.

“Last Jewish Comic Standing,” was what our family named a game we came up with for our guests to play at our son’s Bar Mitzvah reception.

“Last Jewish Comic Standing,” was what our family named a game we came up with for our guests to play at our son’s Bar Mitzvah reception.

Each guest pulled a classic Jewish joke written on a piece of paper and told the joke to the crowd.

To prepare for this competition my wife, two son...

'One liner jokes' competition

A blonde and brunette were the best of friends and one day they came across a 'one liner competition'. They both admired comedy and hence they decided to give it a shot.


There were comedians, some established and some fresh talents, telling their best joke.


First came a Swedish...

My relationship with a comic book collector didn't turn out well

They had a lot of issues

Three T-Rexes are walking when one of them brushes against a shiny stone.

A genie appears and grants them one wish each.

The first says
"Make a huge hunk of meat fall from the sky in front of me."
The genie clicks his finger and it happens. The first T-Rex begins eating happily.

Thinking of the possibilities the second T-Rex yells
"Make a shower ...

Damn girl, are you a comic book?

Cause you get a new issue every week

Often, people use fiction as an escape. They live vicariously through the lives of people who don't have to deal with the same problems that they do.

For instance, whenever my parents are fighting, I like to read Batman comics.

Who Is Jay Gatsby's Favorite Comic Book Character?

Deadpool.

"Hey, Bill, what do you think of this new super-hero comic I'm working on? It's about an ant-size tangent line that has x-ray vision."

"Sounds cool, but isn't that a little derivative?"

My friends and I are all dressing as different Robin Williams characters at a Comic Con this weekend...

We're the Suicide Squad!

Did you hear about the standup comic who was just released from prison?

Yeah, Gilbert got freed.

(I apologize to Gilbert.)

I buy every comic book I see. . .

My friends say I have lots of issues.

If i wrote comic books about standup comedy using my own material

I would be a comic comic comic.

4 million of these people enter our country every year. They are uneducated, unskilled, and contribute nothing. They are a burden to honest, hardworking Americans and our government is doing nothing to stop them, not to mention they're dirty and they smell bad. THEY DON'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH!!

Man, I hate babies.

Comic: Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows?

Victim: No. I have not heard about the new corduroy pillows.
Comic: Really? I find that very surprising because they are making headlines everywhere!

I wore my "Gandalf for President" shirt to the comic convention.

It got a lot of support, but some were turned off by my candidate's hard stance on immigration.

Reintroducing "All the children" jokes

This is a blatant repost because a year ago, I had a day full of laughs because of this thread, so I would like to give credit to /u/joschon for blessing us all with this a year ago.


Here in Sweden, there's a classic joke cycle called "All the children-jokes". They're kind of like limeric...

I remember when I went to Comic-Con...

It was so dark in there, I had to take a picture with The Flash...

San Diego Comic Con and Dragoncon are going to pull their resources and merge into one event.

But it was called off because no one was happy with the con fusion.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a comic book hero that is constantly hooked on having sex with female superheroes?

A heroine addict.

The Comical Conservative

President Obama walks into a local bank in Chicago to cash a check. He is surrounded by Secret Service agents. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me?"

Cashier:
"It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?"
<...

Comic-Con Mysteries Panel

A friend of mine went to Comic-Con in San Diego a few years back, and attended a panel on mystery books and movies. Authors and actors there, a large panel, nearly 20 people. Most of the cast of the Sherlock Holmes movies and a few Agatha Christie adaptation were there. One of the audience members a...

Charlie Brown, Snoopy, Dilbert, Dogbert, Garfield, Jon Arbuckle, and a whole lot of comic strip characters and their pets were on an airplane flying from Miami to Los Angeles...

In the middle of the flight, the flight attendant gave out food to everyone but Charlie Brown and Snoopy.

They asked him why everyone else got some food and they didn't.

The flight attendant said, "Sorry, but we don't serve Peanuts on this flight."

My father never told me why he removed the last page of my comics.

I drew my own conclusions.

A man is going to comic con

He's just throwing around cosplay ideas with his wife, and then he exclaims, "Oh! I could be the Comedian from Watchmen!"
To which his wife replies, "Babe, you don't need to dress up to be a minuteman.."

I got a job as a stand up with a comic sans resume, but i lost my CV

Now im a comic sans resume

Did you hear about the chemist turned stand-up comic?

He didn't last too long; his jokes didn't get the best reactions.

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