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Comic Jokes

I don't really like comic books

They have too many issues

My older brother always tore the last pages of my comic books, and never told me why.

I had to draw my own conclusions.

I can't read Charlie Brown comics anymore...

Turns out I'm allergic to peanuts.

What is a pirate's favorite comic book company?

You may've thought it was Marrrrrvel, but his first love is always DC.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A middle aged man was talking to his elderly father

"I wanted to thank you dad, I remember when I was younger and first dating girls you gave me a piece of advice. You said 'good companion, good in bed, good mother - pick two'"

The father looked kindly at his son and nodded.

"Well, I feel like I have a good life. My wife is kind to me a...

Why should you never date a veteran comic artist?

They make it their business to create a lot of issues.

Comic Sans walks into a bar

The bartender says "Get out - We don't serve your type".

My life is like an over produced comic book series

It's just one issue after another, and the plot doesn't seem to be going anywhere.

I told my teachers I’ll be the greatest comic ever.

They all laughed at me.

Why did the Mallard fail as a comic?

His humor was too fowl.

Which chemical element could be someones comic book fetish?

Manganese.

"What do we want?" "Comic timing!" "When do we want it?"

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I used to enjoy the Snoopy & Charlie Brown comic strips in the Sunday papers, but lately I've been getting a rash after reading them.

I think I've developed an allergy to Peanuts.

A stand-up comic gets a gig to perform at a old age home.

Soon into his act he notices that most of the old people there are pretty out of it so he tries to tell the same joke twice and people still laugh cos they have already forgotten that they just now heard it.

So he gets a kick out of it and keeps telling the same joke for half an hour and towa...

Snoopy writes a Batman comic book.

"He is the Dark and Stormy Knight..."

how is a comic nerd the same as an old man?

They both have back issues

If you want to see a comic strip,

you should see me in the shower.

A new standup comic attends his first convention

He's overwhelmed by it all and asks someone for help.

"Don't worry, kid," a veteran comic says. "This is basically a place to test out your material. Watch."

A comic gets up on stage and announces, "Number 876!" He gets a mild reaction from the crowd.

"Number 521!" the comic c...

I use to go to a comic book shop that only sold books with female leads;

The owner was apparently arrested for being a heroine dealer.

Who Is Jay Gatsby's Favorite Comic Book Character?

Deadpool.

What did the new comic say to the mic?

Thanks for the feedback.

The Comical Conservative

President Obama walks into a local bank in Chicago to cash a check. He is surrounded by Secret Service agents. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me?"

Cashier:
"It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?"
<...

Marvel Comics have announced a new female, Muslim superhero who can fly.

Which is handy, cause she's not allowed to drive.

4 million of these people enter our country every year. They are uneducated, unskilled, and contribute nothing. They are a burden to honest, hardworking Americans and our government is doing nothing to stop them, not to mention they're dirty and they smell bad. THEY DON'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH!!

Man, I hate babies.

I'm in prison and decided to start my career here as a standup comic

It helps to have a captive audience

You want to know the best part about being a stand up comic with a stutter?

For my eight minute slot, I only have to write 45 seconds worth of material.

Blonde is pulled over by a blonde cop..

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. 'What does it look like?' she fi...

Headstone Designer: I'm going to use Comic Sans on your headstone.

Client: Over my dead body!

Headstone Designer: Yes

I got a comically small deck of playing cards for my birthday.

It wasn't a big deal.

Why did Snoopy quit the comic strip?

He was tired of working for peanuts.

Why Bilbo had to be Male

Fun fact: Bilbo Baggins had to be a male in order for the plot of The Hobbit to work. If he was instead female, everything would have fallen apart in the goblin cave. Bilbo would have gone off wandering around in the dark and dreary caverns, found the ring, and seen Gollum fishing like in the origin...

I made an Undertale comic, but it’s all about sans

Well, I guess, you can call it Comic Sans

Plot devices have Mary Sues, comic books have Gary Stus...

Hollywood has Terry Crews.

What do you call a comic drawn with only a pencil?

A graphite novel

I buy every comic book I see. . .

My friends say I have lots of issues.

I went to buy an Invisible Man comic yesterday.

I couldn't see any.

TIL the next Star Wars movie will debut a new droid with a comically-short attention span.

Its name is 80-HD

Three T-Rexes are walking when one of them brushes against a shiny stone.

A genie appears and grants them one wish each.

The first says
"Make a huge hunk of meat fall from the sky in front of me."
The genie clicks his finger and it happens. The first T-Rex begins eating happily.

Thinking of the possibilities the second T-Rex yells
"Make a shower ...

Comic-Con Mysteries Panel

A friend of mine went to Comic-Con in San Diego a few years back, and attended a panel on mystery books and movies. Authors and actors there, a large panel, nearly 20 people. Most of the cast of the Sherlock Holmes movies and a few Agatha Christie adaptation were there. One of the audience members a...

Why don't you see a lot of bars in comic books?

Because they look sketchy

Elton John has changed career and decided to be a stand up comic

His new gig is just a little bit funny

I don't mind comic sans.

It's honestly a very well rounded font.

A man is going to comic con

He's just throwing around cosplay ideas with his wife, and then he exclaims, "Oh! I could be the Comedian from Watchmen!"
To which his wife replies, "Babe, you don't need to dress up to be a minuteman.."

I remember when I went to Comic-Con...

It was so dark in there, I had to take a picture with The Flash...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got kicked out of Comic-Con for assaulting a guy who didnt know who Keanu Reeves played in The Matrix

That was the second time I've been called a neo-nazi.

You know the difference between ComicCon and a Tinder date?

At ComicCon you meet & greet.
At a Tinder date you greet & meat.

Short comical narrative I wrote

The detective’s heels clicked on the cement steps as he approached the door. The deputy ducked under the police line behind him. He knocked and the door was slowly opened by the woman. The blue and red lights were reflected in her wet eyes.
“Mrs. Johnson?” He asked.
“Yes. . . ?” The wo...

Comic: Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows?

Victim: No. I have not heard about the new corduroy pillows.
Comic: Really? I find that very surprising because they are making headlines everywhere!

Breaking News: Snoopy has officially been retired from comics.

He was tired of working for Peanuts.

Did you hear about the standup comic who was just released from prison?

Yeah, Gilbert got freed.

(I apologize to Gilbert.)

A comic with the measles did a set at an anti-vaxxers conference.

Needless to say he killed.

Back in my day, I could go to the store with a dollar and come back with a bag of chips and a comic book.

Now, they've got cameras

My relationship with a comic book collector didn't turn out well

They had a lot of issues

I saw a stand-up comic doing jokes about botany. Nobody in the audience laughed except one guy.

I looked at him and thought "you're a plant".

Anything can be comic and anything can be tragic -- that's my big point right there.

I don't think anybody in this room thinks it's funny when a child is decapitated by an airbag. But wouldn't it be a little bit funny if, for 15 minutes before that, the kid was going, 'Mommy, I want a balloon! Get me a balloon! Mommy, I want a balloon!'

KP Anderson

Did you hear about the chemist turned stand-up comic?

He didn't last too long; his jokes didn't get the best reactions.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Couldn't believe my eyes when I they gave me a plastic Garfield butt for winning an event at Comic-Con.

Absolute catastrophe!

I wore my "Gandalf for President" shirt to the comic convention.

It got a lot of support, but some were turned off by my candidate's hard stance on immigration.

What do comic book collectors use in their hair?

Mint conditioner.

A Comedian Runs Out Of Jokes.

A desperate comedian is pacing outside a pub, tearing his hair out with worry.

A homeless man, sat in a puddle, looks on and asks the man what's wrong?

The comedian tells him hes ran out of jokes, and he's due to go and perform in two minutes. If he uses other people's jokes he'll be...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a comic book hero that is constantly hooked on having sex with female superheroes?

A heroine addict.

San Diego Comic Con and Dragoncon are going to pull their resources and merge into one event.

But it was called off because no one was happy with the con fusion.

Every time I go to a comic convention in my normal clothes, people ask me who I'm going as. I finally have an answer...

Thanks to Marvel, I'm going as a Skrull in disguise...

My father never told me why he removed the last page of my comics.

I drew my own conclusions.

My friends and I are all dressing as different Robin Williams characters at a Comic Con this weekend...

We're the Suicide Squad!

What is the most unrealistic part of the newest James Bond movie?

A Brit with a full petrol tank.

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