UPJOKE
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My older brother always tore the last pages of my comic books, and never told me why.

I had to draw my own conclusions.

Why should you never date a veteran comic artist?

They make it their business to create a lot of issues.

Lately, whenever I read a comic strip about Charlie Brown or Snoopy I break out in hives.

I think I’m allergic to Peanuts.

I don't really like comic books

They have too many issues

I'm in prison and decided to start my career here as a standup comic

It helps to have a captive audience

I use to go to a comic book shop that only sold books with female leads;

The owner was apparently arrested for being a heroine dealer.

I was perfectly sane when I still had a comic book collection

It’s tough when you lose your Marvels….

Why did the Mallard fail as a comic?

His humor was too fowl.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A middle aged man was talking to his elderly father

"I wanted to thank you dad, I remember when I was younger and first dating girls you gave me a piece of advice. You said 'good companion, good in bed, good mother - pick two'"

The father looked kindly at his son and nodded.

"Well, I feel like I have a good life. My wife is kind to me a...

A stand-up comic gets a gig to perform at a old age home.

Soon into his act he notices that most of the old people there are pretty out of it so he tries to tell the same joke twice and people still laugh cos they have already forgotten that they just now heard it.

So he gets a kick out of it and keeps telling the same joke for half an hour and towa...

You want to know the best part about being a stand up comic with a stutter?

For my eight minute slot, I only have to write 45 seconds worth of material.

"What do we want?" "Comic timing!" "When do we want it?"

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As a stand-up comic with a lisp, it can be difficult to convey sarcasm online

/th

The Dad Jokifier 3000

Respond with a comment and I will attempt to respond with a related dad joke.

Edit: Let me help you out. I'm not your real dad or an insult comic. Keep it simple. For example if you said... "onion" I might respond with...

You are my little onion! You have many layers but always make m...

Comic Sans walks into a bar

The bartender says "Get out - We don't serve your type".

If you want to see a comic strip,

you should see me in the shower.

TIL the next Star Wars movie will debut a new droid with a comically-short attention span.

Its name is 80-HD

A new standup comic attends his first convention

He's overwhelmed by it all and asks someone for help.

"Don't worry, kid," a veteran comic says. "This is basically a place to test out your material. Watch."

A comic gets up on stage and announces, "Number 876!" He gets a mild reaction from the crowd.

"Number 521!" the comic c...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got kicked out of Comic-Con for assaulting a guy who didnt know who Keanu Reeves played in The Matrix

That was the second time I've been called a neo-nazi.

What do you call adult nightclubs for nerds?

Comic strips.

If you combine Basil, Parmesan, Pinenuts and Olive Oil you get Pesto. What do you get when you mix Olive Oil, Spinach and Sweet Peas?

You get the comic and cartoon classic Popeye.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It has actually been confirmed in a recent Batman comic that Robin's dick has no color at all.

Dick gray, son!

Who was the dad’s favorite comic book hero?

The Pun-isher.

Back in my day, I could go to the store with a dollar and come back with a bag of chips and a comic book.

Now, they've got cameras

What is the most unrealistic part of the newest James Bond movie?

A Brit with a full petrol tank.

Headstone Designer: I'm going to use Comic Sans on your headstone.

Client: Over my dead body!

Headstone Designer: Yes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Couldn't believe my eyes when I they gave me a plastic Garfield butt for winning an event at Comic-Con.

Absolute catastrophe!

When is was a kid, mum used to send me the shops wtih 50p. i could come home with a chicken, 2 pints of milk, 6 eggs, 2 packs of bacon and a comic book...

You can't do this nowadays though because of CCTV.

I made an Undertale comic, but it’s all about sans

Well, I guess, you can call it Comic Sans

Three comedians walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What'll it be, guys?"

The observational comic replies, "Isn't this just typical!" The slapstick comedian slips and bangs his head on the bar. Then the absurdist comedian says, "This joke is well-structured in a formal sense but not particularly funny."

I saw a stand-up comic doing jokes about botany. Nobody in the audience laughed except one guy.

I looked at him and thought "you're a plant".

I got a comically small deck of playing cards for my birthday.

It wasn't a big deal.

Snickers bars are now being shipped in packaging made from recycled old newspaper comics.

They're packed with Peanuts.

Who Is Jay Gatsby's Favorite Comic Book Character?

Deadpool.

Marvel Comics have announced a new female, Muslim superhero who can fly.

Which is handy, cause she's not allowed to drive.

Why don't you see a lot of bars in comic books?

Because they look sketchy

Elton John has changed career and decided to be a stand up comic

His new gig is just a little bit funny

So DC Comics currency

Superman’s weakness is probably a *krypto* currency

Every time I go to a comic convention in my normal clothes, people ask me who I'm going as. I finally have an answer...

Thanks to Marvel, I'm going as a Skrull in disguise...

I feel sorry for comic book collectors.

They have so many issues

What do you call a comic drawn with only a pencil?

A graphite novel

I buy every comic book I see. . .

My friends say I have lots of issues.

Anything can be comic and anything can be tragic -- that's my big point right there.

I don't think anybody in this room thinks it's funny when a child is decapitated by an airbag. But wouldn't it be a little bit funny if, for 15 minutes before that, the kid was going, 'Mommy, I want a balloon! Get me a balloon! Mommy, I want a balloon!'

KP Anderson

Plot devices have Mary Sues, comic books have Gary Stus...

Hollywood has Terry Crews.

Did you hear that the director to Pulp Fiction is making a movie based off of a Belgian comic book where the main character gets deathly ill with an incredibly infectious disease and therefore has to cut off all contact with the outside world?

It's "Quentin Tarantino's *Tintin's Quarantino*".

Did you hear about the standup comic who was just released from prison?

Yeah, Gilbert got freed.

(I apologize to Gilbert.)

A comic with the measles did a set at an anti-vaxxers conference.

Needless to say he killed.

I went to buy an Invisible Man comic yesterday.

I couldn't see any.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a comic book hero that is constantly hooked on having sex with female superheroes?

A heroine addict.

The Comical Conservative

President Obama walks into a local bank in Chicago to cash a check. He is surrounded by Secret Service agents. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me?"

Cashier:
"It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?"
<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Professor of Logic

So I live in a friendly neighborhood and everyone really likes to talk to their neighbours.

So This new guy moved into my neighborhood and I as a friendly neighbour introduced myself.


"Hi I'm Norm McDonald" so he says something something I don't remember his name. He asks what do y...

My friends and I are all dressing as different Robin Williams characters at a Comic Con this weekend...

We're the Suicide Squad!

4 million of these people enter our country every year. They are uneducated, unskilled, and contribute nothing. They are a burden to honest, hardworking Americans and our government is doing nothing to stop them, not to mention they're dirty and they smell bad. THEY DON'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH!!

Man, I hate babies.

San Diego Comic Con and Dragoncon are going to pull their resources and merge into one event.

But it was called off because no one was happy with the con fusion.

Breaking News: Snoopy has officially been retired from comics.

He was tired of working for Peanuts.

My relationship with a comic book collector didn't turn out well

They had a lot of issues

I was trying to read the newspaper, but every third word was redacted.

Whatever, I like the comics better than the classifieds anyways.

I remember when I went to Comic-Con...

It was so dark in there, I had to take a picture with The Flash...

I wore my "Gandalf for President" shirt to the comic convention.

It got a lot of support, but some were turned off by my candidate's hard stance on immigration.

"Hey, Bill, what do you think of this new super-hero comic I'm working on? It's about an ant-size tangent line that has x-ray vision."

"Sounds cool, but isn't that a little derivative?"

Did you hear about the chemist turned stand-up comic?

He didn't last too long; his jokes didn't get the best reactions.

If i wrote comic books about standup comedy using my own material

I would be a comic comic comic.

Comic: Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows?

Victim: No. I have not heard about the new corduroy pillows.
Comic: Really? I find that very surprising because they are making headlines everywhere!

Charlie Brown, Snoopy, Dilbert, Dogbert, Garfield, Jon Arbuckle, and a whole lot of comic strip characters and their pets were on an airplane flying from Miami to Los Angeles...

In the middle of the flight, the flight attendant gave out food to everyone but Charlie Brown and Snoopy.

They asked him why everyone else got some food and they didn't.

The flight attendant said, "Sorry, but we don't serve Peanuts on this flight."

Comic-Con Mysteries Panel

A friend of mine went to Comic-Con in San Diego a few years back, and attended a panel on mystery books and movies. Authors and actors there, a large panel, nearly 20 people. Most of the cast of the Sherlock Holmes movies and a few Agatha Christie adaptation were there. One of the audience members a...

Three T-Rexes are walking when one of them brushes against a shiny stone.

A genie appears and grants them one wish each.

The first says
"Make a huge hunk of meat fall from the sky in front of me."
The genie clicks his finger and it happens. The first T-Rex begins eating happily.

Thinking of the possibilities the second T-Rex yells
"Make a shower ...

A man is going to comic con

He's just throwing around cosplay ideas with his wife, and then he exclaims, "Oh! I could be the Comedian from Watchmen!"
To which his wife replies, "Babe, you don't need to dress up to be a minuteman.."

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