I don't really like comic books

They have too many issues

I can’t believe Comic Con 2020 got cancelled because of covid 19!

It was the one group of people who were 100% guaranteed to wear masks.

Why did the Mallard fail as a comic?

His humor was too fowl.

A new standup comic attends his first convention

He's overwhelmed by it all and asks someone for help.

"Don't worry, kid," a veteran comic says. "This is basically a place to test out your material. Watch."

A comic gets up on stage and announces, "Number 876!" He gets a mild reaction from the crowd.

"Number 521!" the comic c...

All the comic books I inherited from my older brother had their last pages missing.

I had to draw my own conclusions.

Lately, whenever I read a comic strip about Charlie Brown or Snoopy I break out in hives.

I think I’m allergic to Peanuts.

A stand-up comic gets a gig to perform at a old age home.

Soon into his act he notices that most of the old people there are pretty out of it so he tries to tell the same joke twice and people still laugh cos they have already forgotten that they just now heard it.

So he gets a kick out of it and keeps telling the same joke for half an hour and towa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got kicked out of Comic-Con for assaulting a guy who didnt know who Keanu Reeves played in The Matrix

That was the second time I've been called a neo-nazi.

As a stand-up comic with a lisp, it can be difficult to convey sarcasm online

/th

So Sandscript, Comic Sans, and Times New Roman walk into a bar.

They order a drink and the bartender says, “Hey you, get out of here! We don’t serve your type!”

I was trying to read the newspaper, but every third word was redacted.

Whatever, I like the comics better than the classifieds anyways.

What do you call a celebration for bubble tea at Comic Con?

Boba Fete.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It has actually been confirmed in a recent Batman comic that Robin's dick has no color at all.

Dick gray, son!

Who was the dad’s favorite comic book hero?

The Pun-isher.

What did the new comic say to the mic?

Thanks for the feedback.

The Cheerios joke.

So there's this Cheerio walking down the street one day, and across the street he sees this pink frosted Cheerio, like the most gorgeous Cheerio he'd ever laid his eyes on. So he musters up the courage to cross the street, introduce himself, and ask her on a date. "Wow, that's so sweet," said the pi...

Headstone Designer: I'm going to use Comic Sans on your headstone.

Client: Over my dead body!

Headstone Designer: Yes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Couldn't believe my eyes when I they gave me a plastic Garfield butt for winning an event at Comic-Con.

Absolute catastrophe!

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Some Gorillas are getting drunk in the Belgian Congo... (NSFW)

So some gorillas are having some beers and goofing off at the edge of the forest in the Belgian Congo, clowning on each other, doing impressions, etc. one of them looks toward the bordering savanna and notices a lion intently stalking a distant antelope.

“Check out Mr. King of the Jungle ove...

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The Big Bang Theory

# Some Background Info

The TV show "The Big Bang Theory" was created by Chuck Lorre. At the end of each episode he inserted a one screen humorous comment.

While season 4 was being produced, the lead actress had a horseback riding accident unrelated to the show which caused her a broke...

Snickers bars are now being shipped in packaging made from recycled old newspaper comics.

They're packed with Peanuts.

I was chatting to a graphic designer about invitations for the baby’s christening.

“How about comic sans?” I said “Oh no” she scoffed, “for this occasion we’re gonna need a baptismal font”.

Back in my day, I could go to the store with a dollar and come back with a bag of chips and a comic book.

Now, they've got cameras

Why don't you see a lot of bars in comic books?

Because they look sketchy

I saw a stand-up comic doing jokes about botany. Nobody in the audience laughed except one guy.

I looked at him and thought "you're a plant".

So DC Comics currency

Superman’s weakness is probably a *krypto* currency

White and Wong

One Sunday, back in 2005/2006, as i was reading the comics from the local paper, i was trying to remember the name of one of the actors from Law and Order: SVU. For the life of me i couldn't remember his name. My grandpa, being a smart-ass, gave me a hint by saying A.C. White. I thought about it for...

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A grammar book walks into a bar

* An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television, getting drunk, and smoking cigars.

* A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.

* A bar was walked into by the pass...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The ultimate revenge ( long)

Melville was 10 years old and he loved clowns. When he heard that the circus was coming to town he did everything he could to convince his parents to take him so he could see the clowns. They eventually agreed and when the day arrived he was incredibly excited! He was on the edge of his seat with an...

Elton John has changed career and decided to be a stand up comic

His new gig is just a little bit funny

Did you hear that the director to Pulp Fiction is making a movie based off of a Belgian comic book where the main character gets deathly ill with an incredibly infectious disease and therefore has to cut off all contact with the outside world?

It's "Quentin Tarantino's *Tintin's Quarantino*".

Plot devices have Mary Sues, comic books have Gary Stus...

Hollywood has Terry Crews.

Every time I go to a comic convention in my normal clothes, people ask me who I'm going as. I finally have an answer...

Thanks to Marvel, I'm going as a Skrull in disguise...

I got a comically small deck of playing cards for my birthday.

It wasn't a big deal.

When is was a kid, mum used to send me the shops wtih 50p. i could come home with a chicken, 2 pints of milk, 6 eggs, 2 packs of bacon and a comic book...

You can't do this nowadays though because of CCTV.

What do you call a comic drawn with only a pencil?

A graphite novel

Anything can be comic and anything can be tragic -- that's my big point right there.

I don't think anybody in this room thinks it's funny when a child is decapitated by an airbag. But wouldn't it be a little bit funny if, for 15 minutes before that, the kid was going, 'Mommy, I want a balloon! Get me a balloon! Mommy, I want a balloon!'

KP Anderson

Why did Charlie Brown take his pole dancing routine so seriously?

He was tired of doing comic strips.

Marvel Comics have announced a new female, Muslim superhero who can fly.

Which is handy, cause she's not allowed to drive.

I feel sorry for comic book collectors.

They have so many issues

A comic with the measles did a set at an anti-vaxxers conference.

Needless to say he killed.

Who Is Jay Gatsby's Favorite Comic Book Character?

Deadpool.

I went to buy an Invisible Man comic yesterday.

I couldn't see any.

Breaking News: Snoopy has officially been retired from comics.

He was tired of working for Peanuts.

My girlfriend just dumped me because of my superman comic collection.

She said I have too many issues.

I buy every comic book I see. . .

My friends say I have lots of issues.

Did you hear about the standup comic who was just released from prison?

Yeah, Gilbert got freed.

(I apologize to Gilbert.)

Why was the font sad ?

He was Sans Comic.

My relationship with a comic book collector didn't turn out well

They had a lot of issues

The Comical Conservative

President Obama walks into a local bank in Chicago to cash a check. He is surrounded by Secret Service agents. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me?"

Cashier:
"It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?"
<...

4 million of these people enter our country every year. They are uneducated, unskilled, and contribute nothing. They are a burden to honest, hardworking Americans and our government is doing nothing to stop them, not to mention they're dirty and they smell bad. THEY DON'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH!!

Man, I hate babies.

"Hey, Bill, what do you think of this new super-hero comic I'm working on? It's about an ant-size tangent line that has x-ray vision."

"Sounds cool, but isn't that a little derivative?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a comic book hero that is constantly hooked on having sex with female superheroes?

A heroine addict.

I'm going to cash in on the success of Avengers: Infinity War by opening a comics themed sandwich shop.

It'll be called *Soup or Hero*

San Diego Comic Con and Dragoncon are going to pull their resources and merge into one event.

But it was called off because no one was happy with the con fusion.

I remember when I went to Comic-Con...

It was so dark in there, I had to take a picture with The Flash...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The usual priest if off, so a stand in takes his spot

All is going well until a woman confesses to giving a man a blowjob. The priest doesn't know what to do so he nips out of the confessional booth to ask for help. He runs into a choir boy and asks him "what does the usual priest give for a blow job?"

The choir boy replies "normally a bag of sw...

I wore my "Gandalf for President" shirt to the comic convention.

It got a lot of support, but some were turned off by my candidate's hard stance on immigration.

Three T-Rexes are walking when one of them brushes against a shiny stone.

A genie appears and grants them one wish each.

The first says
"Make a huge hunk of meat fall from the sky in front of me."
The genie clicks his finger and it happens. The first T-Rex begins eating happily.

Thinking of the possibilities the second T-Rex yells
"Make a shower ...

If i wrote comic books about standup comedy using my own material

I would be a comic comic comic.

Comic: Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows?

Victim: No. I have not heard about the new corduroy pillows.
Comic: Really? I find that very surprising because they are making headlines everywhere!

Did you hear about the chemist turned stand-up comic?

He didn't last too long; his jokes didn't get the best reactions.

Charlie Brown, Snoopy, Dilbert, Dogbert, Garfield, Jon Arbuckle, and a whole lot of comic strip characters and their pets were on an airplane flying from Miami to Los Angeles...

In the middle of the flight, the flight attendant gave out food to everyone but Charlie Brown and Snoopy.

They asked him why everyone else got some food and they didn't.

The flight attendant said, "Sorry, but we don't serve Peanuts on this flight."

My friends and I are all dressing as different Robin Williams characters at a Comic Con this weekend...

We're the Suicide Squad!

Short comical narrative I wrote

The detective’s heels clicked on the cement steps as he approached the door. The deputy ducked under the police line behind him. He knocked and the door was slowly opened by the woman. The blue and red lights were reflected in her wet eyes.
“Mrs. Johnson?” He asked.
“Yes. . . ?” The wo...

My father never told me why he removed the last page of my comics.

I drew my own conclusions.

Comic-Con Mysteries Panel

A friend of mine went to Comic-Con in San Diego a few years back, and attended a panel on mystery books and movies. Authors and actors there, a large panel, nearly 20 people. Most of the cast of the Sherlock Holmes movies and a few Agatha Christie adaptation were there. One of the audience members a...

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