If I make just one joke, I'm not a comedian.

If I make just one joke, I'm not a comedian.

If I make just one dish, I'm not a chef.

Now when I kill ONE person

As a comedian, I see no reason to go on stage

They’re just gonna laugh at me.

I used to rip off famous comedians' jokes to post on Reddit for easy karma.

I still do, but I used to, too.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Comedian Jeff Dunham has been accused of sexual assault

After allegations from his coworkers saying that he's been fisting them for decades.

Just look up his Youtube channel if you want to see evidence of this abuse. Millions have just sat by and watched while these poor souls suffered through tremendous pain right in-front of them.

What do you call a procrastinating comedian?

Uhh I don't know, I'll come up with the punch line later

A rookie comedian asks an experienced comedian how he manages to cater his jokes toward his audience.

The comedian gives the newcomer a slip of paper with a website url. “This is a forum for comedians where they trade jokes. It’s perfect to find the right joke for the right occasion.”

So just before his first gig at a tailors convention, he looks up “jokes for tailors” on the forum. He manage...

A lawyer, comedian and a war hero walk into a bar.

The bartender says, “what can I get for you, Mr Zelensky?”

Credit to u/DrDerpberg

What do you call a comedian in China?


Being a stand-up comedian with a humiliation kink

makes it really hard being on stage while people laugh at me.

Zelensky is the best comedian

He turned the whole Russia into joke

I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin.

The jokes weren’t that good, but I liked the execution.

When she was growing up, everybody laughed when Amy Schumer said she wanted to be a comedian...

Nobody's laughing now.

What's a comedians least favorite drink?


I used to steal comedians' jokes and not credit them.

I still do, but I used to, too.

A Comedian Runs Out Of Jokes.

A desperate comedian is pacing outside a pub, tearing his hair out with worry.

A homeless man, sat in a puddle, looks on and asks the man what's wrong?

The comedian tells him hes ran out of jokes, and he's due to go and perform in two minutes. If he uses other people's jokes he'll be...

I'm a comedian ..

My pronouns are 'he he'.

Why do mice make bad comedians?

Their jokes are really cheesy.

I went to a funeral featuring a comedian

Everyone was hysterical

What's the difference between a surgeon and a comedian?

A comedian has a successful day if his jokes kill, and he leaves everyone in stitches.

A surgeon can afford to move out of his parents' house.


What do Putin, Batman and Will Smith have in common?

They all attacked a comedian

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

All those people claiming Donald Trump is like Hitler need a reality check.

After all, its not like Donald Trump could write a book.

Edit: alot of people moaning in the comments "this is a stupid joke, Trump did actually write some books so this makes no sense!?".

Look at the sub you are in, some of these posts you'll see will just be jokes. If you are the sn...

Shocking to hear about Russell Brand, isn't it?

I had no idea he was a comedian.

Two countries go to war...

Ones president is a comedian, and the other is a joke.

Did you hear about the dating app for comedians?

It's called FunnyBones

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a beautiful woman having sex with a comedian?

Pretty fucking funny.

As a child I had a medical condition where I had to eat dirt 3 times a day in order to survive

Luckily my older brother told me about it

Credit to comedian Milton Jones, original author of the joke

What's the difference between Ukraine and Russia?

Ukraine's president is a comedian.

Russia's president is a clown.

Why do late night comedians skew left wing?

Because the right wing viewers have to work in the morning.

Otto Waalkes (german comedian)

Waiter, the coffee is cold! – If you want something warm, you should order a beer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grief counsellor died the other day..

But he was so good I didn’t give a shit.

What does a doctor with a comedian degree do?

He leaves the patients in stiches

Vladimir Zelenski is a backwards politician.

Most politicians act like heroes to get elected and comedians while in office.

Why did Zelensky become a comedian?

He wasn’t afraid of bombing.

What pronouns do comedians use?


A brunette was talking to a comedian...

A brunette was talking to a comedian:

- Why do you always make jokes about blondes? We, brunettes, do a lot of stupid stuff too.

- Like what?

- Do you see the bridge there, over the desert? We, brunettes, built it.

- Right, and I'm still going to make a joke about blondes...

Comedian Gallagher, Famous for Smashing Watermelons, dies at 76

He wasn't as good as Smashing Pumpkins, but he made a splash.

Why Did The Alcoholic Comedian Quit Performing?

He couldn't handle the boos.

So it is possible to just slap a comedian that annoys you.

You don't need to destroy their whole country.

Why do mountain ranges make such good comedians?

Because they're HILL-AREAS!

When a comedian looks down on everyone

That's peak comedy.

Volodymyr Zelenskyy is the greatest comedian of all time.

He even turned Vladimir Putin into a joke.

Trump is reportedly upset that the Ukraine just elected a comedian as president.

Oh, Crimea river!

Bill Cosby was a great comedian...

even his drinks tasted funny.

Everyone knows comedian Bill Burr, most don't realize he has a huge family with lots of talent.

His mother, Barb, is a famous hair stylist.

Rob, his brother is in jail for theft.

His sister Cally is a great gunsmith.

Lastly, don't forget about his cousin the famous lumberjack, Tim.

Why was the horse comedian so bad at stand-up?

He kept forgetting his bit!

What's a similarity between a guy in a wheelchair and a bad comedian

They can't do standup

Whats the one thing thats good for a comedian’s business but bad for a hookers?

The clap

Why do Amazon Prime drivers make terrible comedians?

Because their delivery takes two days.

Slapping a comedian on stage at the oscars?

Say what you Will, but that’s a bald move.

Did you hear about the paraplegic comedian?

He's great but he doesn't do stand-up.

As a comedian, I always want to hear laughs

except when I'm alone.

One time a standup comedian started telling direction puns.

They were downright disgraceful; the audience up and left.

How many lightbulbs dos it take to screw in a comedian?

Two. One to screw in the comedian, one to mess the joke up.

Who is Greta Thunbergs favorite comedian.

Amy schumer because she recycles all her jokes!

My 8 year old son wants to be a comedian.

He also like quantum physics, so I suggested he make up some jokes. Here's the first two.

What so you call a particle who likes taking pictures?
A photongrapher

Why did the apple fall out of the tree?
It ran out of gluons.

If you have any Similar he'd love to hear them and...

What is the difference between a comedian and a priest?

They both take your money and only one makes you laugh.

A comedian's fan offered him a joint

Not wanting to disappoint his fans, he accepted it. He almost finished the drive to his lodging when a police officer stopped his car.

The officer asked him, "Have you been drinking?" The comedian denied doing so.

The officer then asked, "Is that marijuana I smell?"

The comedi...

Which goddess did standup comedians worship in Ancient Greece?


Two of my favorite jokes by my favorite comedian

"Me and girlfriend..... we’re not together anymore. She's got a new boyfriend now. They just moved in together. Actually, I’ve heard rumors that he's abusive, which kinda makes me want to go over there with a baseball bat...... and then blame it on her boyfriend."

"My girlfriend has the great...

What do a chiropractor, a comedian, and a druggie all have in common?

They all try their best to crack you up!

(i posted this to a different joke sub a few hours ago... first time poster, hope i'm following community guidelines)

I'm halfway through becoming a stand up comedian

I can stand up, now all I need is comedy

How many bad comedians does it take to change a lightbulb?


A man accomplishes his life-long dream of becoming a stand-up comedian

However, he does not find any success in the field. His jokes are poor and quite predictable. So, after a couple of weak performances, he quits comedy. Frustrated, he punches at a punching bag, and finds it weirdly satisfying. So, he decides to take up a career in professional boxing as a means to f...

From my girlfriend

What do you call an average comedian?
A median

A comedian dies and goes to heaven.

When he meets God, God says “Oh I see you were a comedian, how about a joke for us?” The comedian, who mainly focused on dark humor, decided to tell one of his classic Holocaust jokes. God looks annoyed by the joke and says “That wasn’t funny.”

So the comedian responds, “Well I guess you had...

My friends won't let me babysit their kids because I'm a professional comedian, but why?

I've always done a stand-up job.

As a blind comedian, I've been trying to understand my audience.

But who am I kidding?

Why do bullfrogs love terrible comedians?



Why can't a rotten egg become a comedian?

He only has bad yolks

Why shouldn't you start a war with a comedian?

They have a lot of experience with bombing.

Why did the cannibal comedian hate playing gigs at retirement communities?

Tough crowd.

Comedian Sinbad shocked

...the entertainment world today as he announced his devotion to the church. This happened when he realized, sin bad.

What do comedians eat for breakfast?


This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The aspiring comedian (not that funny but I made it myself)

So this aspiring comedian went to his local comedy club, like he did most weekends, and to his surprise his all time favorite comedian was doing a out of the blue performance at his local comedy club.

So he bought him self a ticket and proceeded to have one of the best nights of his life, ...

A comedian opened his act by saying "Yo, Adrian!"

His show had a rocky start.

Every knows about comedian Bill Burr.

Many have not heard of his lumberjack brother Tim, he is one of the best in the world.

A girl wants to be a comedian when she grows up.

Her parents are sad she doesn't want to carry on the family farm, but they encourage their daughter to follow her dreams. She's too shy to tell people her puns in person, so she figures out how to share them another way.

The girl takes a bunch of her father's old pasture fence posts and pound...

An old Jewish comedian dies and goes to heaven.

He tells God a holocaust joke. God doesn't laugh. Comedian says, "Guess you had to be there."

My 4 year old is a comedian and loves jokes.. this is her favorite one...

Why did the banana go to the hospital?

Because he wasn't peeling very well.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A comedian was trying to make a group of Redditors from /r/Jokes laugh...

"So a blind man walked into a bar..."

"Ahh, good ole #8804311," the first redditor said.

"Okay, then how about this... Little Johnny saw his mom banging the mailman..."


Out of frustration, the comedian yells, "IS THERE ANY FUCKIN' JOKE YOU GUYS ...

What does a boxing comedian need?

A good punchline.

I told my boss that I'm quitting my job to become a comedian.

He said, "You can't be serious."

I said, "I know."

How do you tell the difference between good Comedians and bad ones?

The Bad ones Punch up the screwline.

Wanted to give being a comedian a try

but I fell and couldn’t standup…

Why did the comedian refuse to go to the doctor?

He thought laughter was the best medicine.

Yo mama is the greatest comedian in the world!

Because she delivered the greatest joke ever.

I went to see a comedian perform in a hotel room

He told some suite jokes

I cant remember who this comedian or how the joke goes 100% but the gist is

So theres this joke i heard when i was young, my mom showed me him on youtube, it was a very deadpan, dry comedian, almost like mitch hedberg, and i cant remember who it was, but the gist of the joke is, "two aliens landed in their spaceship and walked up to me, they were super short, and i asked, h...

A zombie was eating a comedian

The zombie said "you taste funny" and the comedian said "that's because you're eating my humerus.

If people pay to go see a comedian...

Aren't all their jokes at the audience's expense?

Why didn’t anyone offer the comedian a seat in the bus?

Because he was a standup comedian.

How did the comedian die?

He had a sense of tumour.

Did you know God was originally a comedian.

He was the first to make light of a situation.

My friend is a good-looking comedian.

I'd say that he's a pretty stand-up guy.

I wanna become a musical comedian

Sadly, none of my jokes are noteworthy...

Why do people with no arms make bad comedians?

Because they haven't got a funny bone in their body.

What's a comedians favorite wrestling move??¿?

The Knee Slapper

What does a Hawaiian comedian put on a sunburn?


What do chiropractors and comedians have in common?

They both crack people up.

When I was a kid, I told everyone that when I grew up, I wanted to be a stand-up comedian. They all laughed.

Well, I got a job doing standup in a comedy club, and no one's laughing now.

I simmered ten comedians in water for 6 hours.

and made a laughing stock.

What did the imposter comedian saw when he was arrested in the House of Lords?

"The real joker's in the commons!"

The standup comedian

As a standup comedian, I am prohibited from telling any jokes involving chairs.

Why do computers love comedians?

Because they like processing their bits.

Being a comedian is really bad for my anxiety

Whenever I’m on stage people keep laughing at me

You wouldn't be able to be a comedian in space

Because there is no atmosphere

A comedian pretends to enter a marathon...

It's a running joke.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bob the ant wanted to be a stand-up comedian

He had a wild, bold, and crazy personality and sense of humor. He knew he would be hilarious if he just had the opportunity to get in front of a crowd.

So Bob the ant went around town auditioning for gigs. He let his crazy attitude go full force at the judges. They weren’t too impressed,...

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