The 106+ Best Comedian Jokes

If I make just one joke, I'm not a comedian.

If I make just one joke, I'm not a comedian.

If I make just one dish, I'm not a chef.

Now when I kill ONE person

As a comedian, I see no reason to go on stage

They’re just gonna laugh at me.

I used to rip off famous comedians' jokes to post on Reddit for easy karma.

I still do, but I used to, too.

What do you call a procrastinating comedian?

Uhh I don't know, I'll come up with the punch line later

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Comedian Jeff Dunham has been accused of sexual assault

After allegations from his coworkers saying that he's been fisting them for decades.

Just look up his Youtube channel if you want to see evidence of this abuse. Millions have just sat by and watched while these poor souls suffered through tremendous pain right in-front of them.

A lawyer, comedian and a war hero walk into a bar.

The bartender says, “what can I get for you, Mr Zelensky?”

Credit to u/DrDerpberg

What do you call a comedian in China?

Dead.

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All those people claiming Donald Trump is like Hitler need a reality check.

After all, its not like Donald Trump could write a book.

Edit: alot of people moaning in the comments "this is a stupid joke, Trump did actually write some books so this makes no sense!?".

Look at the sub you are in, some of these posts you'll see will just be jokes. If you are the sn...

Being a stand-up comedian with a humiliation kink

makes it really hard being on stage while people laugh at me.

I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin.

The jokes weren’t that good, but I liked the execution.

When she was growing up, everybody laughed when Amy Schumer said she wanted to be a comedian...

Nobody's laughing now.

Zelensky is the best comedian

He turned the whole Russia into joke

What's a comedians least favorite drink?

Booze

What's the difference between a surgeon and a comedian?

A comedian has a successful day if his jokes kill, and he leaves everyone in stitches.

A surgeon can afford to move out of his parents' house.

(OC)

Did you hear about the dating app for comedians?

It's called FunnyBones

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What do you call a beautiful woman having sex with a comedian?

Pretty fucking funny.

Everyone knows comedian Bill Burr, most don't realize he has a huge family with lots of talent.

His mother, Barb, is a famous hair stylist.

Rob, his brother is in jail for theft.

His sister Cally is a great gunsmith.

Lastly, don't forget about his cousin the famous lumberjack, Tim.

A brunette was talking to a comedian...

A brunette was talking to a comedian:

- Why do you always make jokes about blondes? We, brunettes, do a lot of stupid stuff too.

- Like what?

- Do you see the bridge there, over the desert? We, brunettes, built it.

- Right, and I'm still going to make a joke about blondes...

So it is possible to just slap a comedian that annoys you.

You don't need to destroy their whole country.

What does a doctor with a comedian degree do?

He leaves the patients in stiches

When I was a kid, I told everyone that when I grew up, I wanted to be a stand-up comedian. They all laughed.

Well, I got a job doing standup in a comedy club, and no one's laughing now.

My friends won't let me babysit their kids because I'm a professional comedian, but why?

I've always done a stand-up job.

Trump is reportedly upset that the Ukraine just elected a comedian as president.

Oh, Crimea river!

What's a similarity between a guy in a wheelchair and a bad comedian

They can't do standup

Why do late night comedians skew left wing?

Because the right wing viewers have to work in the morning.

Comedian Gallagher, Famous for Smashing Watermelons, dies at 76

He wasn't as good as Smashing Pumpkins, but he made a splash.

What do a chiropractor, a comedian, and a druggie all have in common?

They all try their best to crack you up!

(i posted this to a different joke sub a few hours ago... first time poster, hope i'm following community guidelines)

What is the difference between a comedian and a priest?

They both take your money and only one makes you laugh.

A man accomplishes his life-long dream of becoming a stand-up comedian

However, he does not find any success in the field. His jokes are poor and quite predictable. So, after a couple of weak performances, he quits comedy. Frustrated, he punches at a punching bag, and finds it weirdly satisfying. So, he decides to take up a career in professional boxing as a means to f...

Why do mountain ranges make such good comedians?

Because they're HILL-AREAS!

Three comedians walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What'll it be, guys?"

The observational comic replies, "Isn't this just typical!" The slapstick comedian slips and bangs his head on the bar. Then the absurdist comedian says, "This joke is well-structured in a formal sense but not particularly funny."

Volodymyr Zelenskyy is the greatest comedian of all time.

He even turned Vladimir Putin into a joke.

What pronouns do comedians use?

He/he/he

What’s the difference between a comedian and a clown?

One leads Ukraine, the other leads Russia.

Why was the horse comedian so bad at stand-up?

He kept forgetting his bit!

Otto Waalkes (german comedian)

Waiter, the coffee is cold! – If you want something warm, you should order a beer.

How many bad comedians does it take to change a lightbulb?

One.

Did you hear about the comedian whose house was swallowed by a sink hole?

I don't know but there's a joke in there somewhere.

I cant remember who this comedian or how the joke goes 100% but the gist is

So theres this joke i heard when i was young, my mom showed me him on youtube, it was a very deadpan, dry comedian, almost like mitch hedberg, and i cant remember who it was, but the gist of the joke is, "two aliens landed in their spaceship and walked up to me, they were super short, and i asked, h...

Slapping a comedian on stage at the oscars?

Say what you Will, but that’s a bald move.

Why did Zelensky become a comedian?

He wasn’t afraid of bombing.

How many lightbulbs dos it take to screw in a comedian?

Two. One to screw in the comedian, one to mess the joke up.

My 8 year old son wants to be a comedian.

He also like quantum physics, so I suggested he make up some jokes. Here's the first two.

What so you call a particle who likes taking pictures?
A photongrapher

Why did the apple fall out of the tree?
It ran out of gluons.

If you have any Similar he'd love to hear them and...

Two countries go to war...

Ones president is a comedian, and the other is a joke.

My 4 year old is a comedian and loves jokes.. this is her favorite one...

Why did the banana go to the hospital?

Because he wasn't peeling very well.

Why do Amazon Prime drivers make terrible comedians?

Because their delivery takes two days.

What do Putin, Batman and Will Smith have in common?

They all attacked a comedian

Why did the cannibal comedian hate playing gigs at retirement communities?

Tough crowd.

As a comedian, I always want to hear laughs

except when I'm alone.

When a comedian looks down on everyone

That's peak comedy.

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The aspiring comedian (not that funny but I made it myself)

So this aspiring comedian went to his local comedy club, like he did most weekends, and to his surprise his all time favorite comedian was doing a out of the blue performance at his local comedy club.

So he bought him self a ticket and proceeded to have one of the best nights of his life, ...

Why couldn't the comedian in a wheelchair get an audience?

He couldn't do Stand Up comedy!

A comedian tells a joke and no one in the audience laughs, to this he responds...

"Come on people! I do this for a living! Not for dead silence!"

Where do all Finnish comedians live?

Hehelsinki

As a blind comedian, I've been trying to understand my audience.

But who am I kidding?

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A comedian was trying to make a group of Redditors from /r/Jokes laugh...

"So a blind man walked into a bar..."

"Ahh, good ole #8804311," the first redditor said.

"Okay, then how about this... Little Johnny saw his mom banging the mailman..."

"#2409!!!"

Out of frustration, the comedian yells, "IS THERE ANY FUCKIN' JOKE YOU GUYS ...

Why Did The Alcoholic Comedian Quit Performing?

He couldn't handle the boos.

Two of my favorite jokes by my favorite comedian

"Me and girlfriend..... we’re not together anymore. She's got a new boyfriend now. They just moved in together. Actually, I’ve heard rumors that he's abusive, which kinda makes me want to go over there with a baseball bat...... and then blame it on her boyfriend."

"My girlfriend has the great...

Bill Cosby was a great comedian...

even his drinks tasted funny.

Did you hear about the paraplegic comedian?

He's great but he doesn't do stand-up.

One time a standup comedian started telling direction puns.

They were downright disgraceful; the audience up and left.

Why didn’t anyone offer the comedian a seat in the bus?

Because he was a standup comedian.

A girl wants to be a comedian when she grows up.

Her parents are sad she doesn't want to carry on the family farm, but they encourage their daughter to follow her dreams. She's too shy to tell people her puns in person, so she figures out how to share them another way.

The girl takes a bunch of her father's old pasture fence posts and pound...

Who is Greta Thunbergs favorite comedian.

Amy schumer because she recycles all her jokes!

What did the imposter comedian saw when he was arrested in the House of Lords?

"The real joker's in the commons!"

A comedian's fan offered him a joint

Not wanting to disappoint his fans, he accepted it. He almost finished the drive to his lodging when a police officer stopped his car.

The officer asked him, "Have you been drinking?" The comedian denied doing so.

The officer then asked, "Is that marijuana I smell?"

The comedi...

I told my boss that I'm quitting my job to become a comedian.

He said, "You can't be serious."

I said, "I know."

Why shouldn't you start a war with a comedian?

They have a lot of experience with bombing.

My younger brother took his life 3 years ago. Always a comedian, here’s his cheesiest joke

Farmesan the dairy farmer is feeling bleu because of a string of falls he's been suffering. He calls up his doctor, Dr. Edam JaColby, and tells him "Doc, I'm in so much paineer!"and schedules an appointment. So Farmesan carephilly stumbles over to the clinic. "You mozzarella needed to see me cause y...

As a child I had a medical condition where I had to eat dirt 3 times a day in order to survive

Luckily my older brother told me about it

Credit to comedian Milton Jones, original author of the joke

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My grief counsellor died the other day..

But he was so good I didn’t give a shit.

I'm halfway through becoming a stand up comedian

I can stand up, now all I need is comedy

A comedian opened his act by saying "Yo, Adrian!"

His show had a rocky start.

I went to see a comedian perform in a hotel room

He told some suite jokes

Why did the comedian refuse to go to the doctor?

He thought laughter was the best medicine.

I can't believe my parents support my choice of profession! I told them that I wanted to become a stand-up comedian.

They laughed at me.

An old Jewish comedian dies and goes to heaven.

He tells God a holocaust joke. God doesn't laugh. Comedian says, "Guess you had to be there."

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I know a comedian who married a girl named Funny

He's fucking funny.

How do you tell the difference between good Comedians and bad ones?

The Bad ones Punch up the screwline.

Why can't a rotten egg become a comedian?

He only has bad yolks

To everyone who gets offended by comedians making inappropriate jokes. Have you ever just wished that you could slap them silly? well fear not..

Where there's a Will there's a way.

Apparently this great joke was told by comedian Barry Cryer to his nurses on his deathbed.

A man and his wife are out walking one day when they spot a lone fellow on the other side of the road. 'That looks like the Archbishop of Canterbury over there,' says the woman.

'Go and see if he is,' she adds.

The husband crosses the road and asks the man if he is indeed the Archbish...

Vladimir Zelenski is a backwards politician.

Most politicians act like heroes to get elected and comedians while in office.

Wanted to give being a comedian a try

but I fell and couldn’t standup…

Yo mama is the greatest comedian in the world!

Because she delivered the greatest joke ever.

Years ago I told my family and friends that I was going to become a successful comedian and they just laughed.

They're not laughing now!!

Why do bullfrogs love terrible comedians?

----------?

*crickets*

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Why are so many comedians gay?

Because they aren't the straight man.

I used to date a comedian. Things were going great until they met my parents.

They made a bad impression.

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A comedian is in the dressing room of a comedy club when he sees this guy sitting in the corner...

He wonders why the guy is there but thinks nothing of it. Before the first comedian goes on stage, he approaches the guy in the corner and whips out his dick. The guy in the corner jerks him off real quick, then pulls up his pants and goes on stage.

One by one, each of the other comedians in ...

Not only was Stephen Hawking a great physicist, he was also a great comedian.

Sadly, his stand-up wasn’t very good.

What do comedians eat for breakfast?

Pun-cakes.

What does a Hawaiian comedian put on a sunburn?

Aloe-Ha!

What does a boxing comedian need?

A good punchline.

If people pay to go see a comedian...

Aren't all their jokes at the audience's expense?

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What’s the difference between a lousy trashy stand up comedian and a father telling jokes about stationery?

One is bad at telling dick jokes.
The other is dad at telling Bic jokes.

Many were present at the funeral today of the oldest and unfunniest comedian.

In tribute, the vicar read out one of his jokes, and the congregation had two minutes silence.

Why do people with no arms make bad comedians?

Because they haven't got a funny bone in their body.

One day, daughter shack came to Mama and Papa shack and told them that she wanted to be a comedian.

“But you're not funny," said Mama shack.

Seeing his daughter's roofline sag in disappointment, Papa shack spoke up. "Maybe we could get you a coach?"

Daughter shack smiled with joy, and as she left, Papa shack arranged for a coach.

The coach came, a part time tiler who pr...

A lot of comedians these days have a major issue with 'woke' people

Bill Cosby, for instance...

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[NSFW] A joke my cousin heard from an amateur comedian in a New York show

I was at an anti-police violence rally and somebody was shouting "Cops suck dick! Cops suck dick!" And I thought to myself... "Man, if cops did suck dick I'd be committing crimes all the time!"

You wouldn't be able to be a comedian in space

Because there is no atmosphere

I wanna become a musical comedian

Sadly, none of my jokes are noteworthy...

Why don't comedians like being quarantined?

They can only make inside jokes.

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Bob the ant wanted to be a stand-up comedian

He had a wild, bold, and crazy personality and sense of humor. He knew he would be hilarious if he just had the opportunity to get in front of a crowd.

So Bob the ant went around town auditioning for gigs. He let his crazy attitude go full force at the judges. They weren’t too impressed,...

What's a comedians favorite wrestling move??¿?

The Knee Slapper

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