UPJOKE
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If I make just one joke, I'm not a comedian.

If I make just one joke, I'm not a comedian.

If I make just one dish, I'm not a chef.

Now when I kill ONE person

As a comedian, I see no reason to go on stage

They’re just gonna laugh at me.

Two cannibals are eating a comedian.

One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"

The other replies, "Kinda dry. I think we roasted him too long."

Everyone laughed when I said I was going to become a stand-up comedian...

Well, no one is laughing now.

What do you call a Rapper who is also a Comedian?

Kendrick Lmao.

What do a chiropractor, a comedian, and a druggie all have in common?

They all try their best to crack you up!





(i posted this to a different joke sub a few hours ago... first time poster, hope i'm following community guidelines)

Otto Waalkes (german comedian)

Waiter, the coffee is cold! – If you want something warm, you should order a beer.

Why don’t comedians like hanging out with Will Smith?

Because he’s always improving their punchlines.

Volodymyr Zelenskyy is the greatest comedian of all time.

He even turned Vladimir Putin into a joke.

Being a stand-up comedian with a humiliation kink

makes it really hard being on stage while people laugh at me.

How many lightbulbs dos it take to screw in a comedian?

Two. One to screw in the comedian, one to mess the joke up.

A lawyer, comedian and a war hero walk into a bar.

The bartender says, “what can I get for you, Mr Zelensky?”

Credit to u/DrDerpberg

What's a similarity between a guy in a wheelchair and a bad comedian

They can't do standup

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I went to see a crossdressing comedian the other day,

He wasn’t very funny but at least he had the balls to do it.

Why do Amazon Prime drivers make terrible comedians?

Because their delivery takes two days.

Did you hear about the comedian whose house was swallowed by a sink hole?

I don't know but there's a joke in there somewhere.

I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin.

The jokes weren't that good, but I liked the execution.

How many bad comedians does it take to change a lightbulb?

One.

Do you know what it’s like to be a comedian with ADHD?

Why is this font so small?

So it is possible to just slap a comedian that annoys you.

You don't need to destroy their whole country.

As a comedian, I always want to hear laughs

except when I'm alone.

I've heard people tell me that narcissists don't make good comedians

Yeah, well they don't know how hard it is to tell jokes in a room full of intellectually-compromised mouth-breathing troglodytes. I'm the greatest comedian of all time and nobody appreciates me!

Slapping a comedian on stage at the oscars?

Say what you Will, but that’s a bald move.

When a comedian looks down on everyone

That's peak comedy.

Why do mountain ranges make such good comedians?

Because they're HILL-AREAS!

Why did Zelensky become a comedian?

He wasn’t afraid of bombing.

I used to rip off famous comedians' jokes to post on Reddit for easy karma.

I still do, but I used to, too.

A comedian tells a joke and no one in the audience laughs, to this he responds...

"Come on people! I do this for a living! Not for dead silence!"

A man accomplishes his life-long dream of becoming a stand-up comedian

However, he does not find any success in the field. His jokes are poor and quite predictable. So, after a couple of weak performances, he quits comedy. Frustrated, he punches at a punching bag, and finds it weirdly satisfying. So, he decides to take up a career in professional boxing as a means to f...

What’s the difference between a comedian and a clown?

One leads Ukraine, the other leads Russia.

Why did the cannibal comedian hate playing gigs at retirement communities?

Tough crowd.

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The aspiring comedian (not that funny but I made it myself)

So this aspiring comedian went to his local comedy club, like he did most weekends, and to his surprise his all time favorite comedian was doing a out of the blue performance at his local comedy club.

So he bought him self a ticket and proceeded to have one of the best nights of his life, ...

Why couldn't the comedian in a wheelchair get an audience?

He couldn't do Stand Up comedy!

When I was a kid, I told everyone that when I grew up, I wanted to be a stand-up comedian. They all laughed.

Well, I got a job doing standup in a comedy club, and no one's laughing now.

Three comedians walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What'll it be, guys?"

The observational comic replies, "Isn't this just typical!" The slapstick comedian slips and bangs his head on the bar. Then the absurdist comedian says, "This joke is well-structured in a formal sense but not particularly funny."

Why didn’t anyone offer the comedian a seat in the bus?

Because he was a standup comedian.

What did the imposter comedian saw when he was arrested in the House of Lords?

"The real joker's in the commons!"

Why shouldn't you start a war with a comedian?

They have a lot of experience with bombing.

To everyone who gets offended by comedians making inappropriate jokes. Have you ever just wished that you could slap them silly? well fear not..

Where there's a Will there's a way.

What do Putin, Batman and Will Smith have in common?

They all attacked a comedian

Why can't a rotten egg become a comedian?

He only has bad yolks

One time a standup comedian started telling direction puns.

They were downright disgraceful; the audience up and left.

I cant remember who this comedian or how the joke goes 100% but the gist is

So theres this joke i heard when i was young, my mom showed me him on youtube, it was a very deadpan, dry comedian, almost like mitch hedberg, and i cant remember who it was, but the gist of the joke is, "two aliens landed in their spaceship and walked up to me, they were super short, and i asked, h...

Did you hear about the paraplegic comedian?

He's great but he doesn't do stand-up.

A comedian opened his act by saying "Yo, Adrian!"

His show had a rocky start.

I went to see a comedian perform in a hotel room

He told some suite jokes

Apparently this great joke was told by comedian Barry Cryer to his nurses on his deathbed.

A man and his wife are out walking one day when they spot a lone fellow on the other side of the road. 'That looks like the Archbishop of Canterbury over there,' says the woman.

'Go and see if he is,' she adds.

The husband crosses the road and asks the man if he is indeed the Archbish...

Two countries go to war...

Ones president is a comedian, and the other is a joke.

Why do bullfrogs love terrible comedians?

----------?






*crickets*

Why did the comedian refuse to go to the doctor?

He thought laughter was the best medicine.

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Comedian Jeff Dunham has been accused of sexual assault

After allegations from his coworkers saying that he's been fisting them for decades.

Just look up his Youtube channel if you want to see evidence of this abuse. Millions have just sat by and watched while these poor souls suffered through tremendous pain right in-front of them.

Vladimir Zelenski is a backwards politician.

Most politicians act like heroes to get elected and comedians while in office.

I can't believe my parents support my choice of profession! I told them that I wanted to become a stand-up comedian.

They laughed at me.

Everyone knows comedian Bill Burr, most don't realize he has a huge family with lots of talent.

His mother, Barb, is a famous hair stylist.

Rob, his brother is in jail for theft.

His sister Cally is a great gunsmith.

Lastly, don't forget about his cousin the famous lumberjack, Tim.

The punchline comes first.

How do you know that a comedian is a time traveler?

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Working the club circuit

A comedian is working his way up the ranks in the industry. He travels around working small venues for minimal pay, hoping to get noticed and hit it big.

On a seemingly regular Wednesday night at the Laughter House in Bloomington, WI he sets up for a gig that might end up changing his life....

My dad is an online comedian who specialises in dad jokes about ice cream.

He calls himself the "LOL ePop".

Wanted to give being a comedian a try

but I fell and couldn’t standup…

Yo mama is the greatest comedian in the world!

Because she delivered the greatest joke ever.

I used to date a comedian. Things were going great until they met my parents.

They made a bad impression.

Years ago I told my family and friends that I was going to become a successful comedian and they just laughed.

They're not laughing now!!

Not only was Stephen Hawking a great physicist, he was also a great comedian.

Sadly, his stand-up wasn’t very good.

As a blind comedian, I've been trying to understand my audience.

But who am I kidding?

An old Jewish comedian dies and goes to heaven.

He tells God a holocaust joke. God doesn't laugh. Comedian says, "Guess you had to be there."

Many were present at the funeral today of the oldest and unfunniest comedian.

In tribute, the vicar read out one of his jokes, and the congregation had two minutes silence.

What did Bob Marley say to the failing comedian?

Give up, stand up.

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A Joke my Dad told that Im pretty sure I heard a comedian do once

So theres these three guys on a construction crew. Every day at lunch they compare what they get. Everday the italian guy gets pizza and he says " if I get this one more timea Ima jumpa offada buildinga!!!"

The irish guy pops open his metal box, lo and behold hes got mashed potatoes loaded wi...

A comedian dies and goes to heaven.

When he meets God, God says “Oh I see you were a comedian, how about a joke for us?” The comedian, who mainly focused on dark humor, decided to tell one of his classic Holocaust jokes. God looks annoyed by the joke and says “That wasn’t funny.”

So the comedian responds, “Well I guess you had...

Why do people with no arms make bad comedians?

Because they haven't got a funny bone in their body.

You wouldn't be able to be a comedian in space

Because there is no atmosphere

Why is Ukrainian and Russian politics funny?

One has a comedian for a president, the other has a joke.

What do comedians eat for breakfast?

Pun-cakes.

What does a Hawaiian comedian put on a sunburn?

Aloe-Ha!

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Guy talking to his mate Dave.

Guy: You still working as a part time comedian Dave?

Dave: Yeah, I done a gig at the Alzheimer's society club,

they liked my first joke so much I told it again and again.

In fact I told it 25 times, this old bloke came up to me after

and said, I don't know how the fuck yo...

What does a boxing comedian need?

A good punchline.

What do chiropractors and comedians have in common?

They both crack people up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you have sex with a professional comedian...

Is that a funny-bone?

I simmered ten comedians in water for 6 hours.

and made a laughing stock.

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What’s the difference between a lousy trashy stand up comedian and a father telling jokes about stationery?

One is bad at telling dick jokes.
The other is dad at telling Bic jokes.

I was shipping comedians across the countr but it took to long

They said it was bad timing but great delivery

Great comedian

I'm such a great comedian! Whenever I enter a room, people start laughing and pointing at me.

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[NSFW] A joke my cousin heard from an amateur comedian in a New York show

I was at an anti-police violence rally and somebody was shouting "Cops suck dick! Cops suck dick!" And I thought to myself... "Man, if cops did suck dick I'd be committing crimes all the time!"

Who is Greta Thunbergs favorite comedian.

Amy schumer because she recycles all her jokes!

A lot of comedians these days have a major issue with 'woke' people

Bill Cosby, for instance...

Trump is reportedly upset that the Ukraine just elected a comedian as president.

Oh, Crimea river!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between becoming a famous stand-up comedian by your own devices vs stealing your jokes?

One is luck n' fame, the other is fuckin' lame.

Comedian Sinbad shocked

...the entertainment world today as he announced his devotion to the church. This happened when he realized, sin bad.

My younger brother took his life 3 years ago. Always a comedian, here’s his cheesiest joke

Farmesan the dairy farmer is feeling bleu because of a string of falls he's been suffering. He calls up his doctor, Dr. Edam JaColby, and tells him "Doc, I'm in so much paineer!"and schedules an appointment. So Farmesan carephilly stumbles over to the clinic. "You mozzarella needed to see me cause y...

What did the comedian say to the Chinese general who refused to laugh?

Why Tso serious?

Every knows about comedian Bill Burr.

Many have not heard of his lumberjack brother Tim, he is one of the best in the world.

What's a comedians favorite wrestling move??¿?

The Knee Slapper

One day, daughter shack came to Mama and Papa shack and told them that she wanted to be a comedian.

“But you're not funny," said Mama shack.

Seeing his daughter's roofline sag in disappointment, Papa shack spoke up. "Maybe we could get you a coach?"

Daughter shack smiled with joy, and as she left, Papa shack arranged for a coach.

The coach came, a part time tiler who pr...

People use to laugh at me when I would say "I want to be a comedian"

Well nobody is laughing now.

What do you call a comedian left in the cold?

Bill Brrrrr

Two burglars tried to ransack a comedian's office, but they were caught while making their getaway.

Turns out they couldn't take a joke.

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A top defense lawyer dies and is taken to hell where he meets Satan

Satan promptly recognizes him and takes him around for a tour. "Hell isn't so bad once you get to hang out with people like yourself". The lawyer gets hopeful "So then there must be a lot of lawyers here? Can you take me to their section of hell?". Satan tells him their section is in the deepest par...

Say what you want about carrot top, but fact of the matter is he’s out there making a living as a comedian

You gotta give him props for that

I wanna become a musical comedian

Sadly, none of my jokes are noteworthy...

I repost each Culture Club pun at least five times for maximum internet points

I suppose you could call me a karma karma karma karma karma comedian….

I work as a comedian in China, and the authorities are always vetting my material.

>!everythIng is Always Moderated wIthiN a Justified mAnner, precIse and Legitimate. !<

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