If I make just one joke, I'm not a comedian.

If I make just one joke, I'm not a comedian.

If I make just one dish, I'm not a chef.

Now when I kill ONE person

They used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a comedian.

Well they're not laughing nw!

Everyone knows comedian Bill Burr, most don't realize he has a huge family with lots of talent.

His mother, Barb, is a famous hair stylist.

Rob, his brother is in jail for theft.

His sister Cally is a great gunsmith.

Lastly, don't forget about his cousin the famous lumberjack, Tim.

A rookie comedian asks an experienced comedian how he manages to cater his jokes toward his audience.

The comedian gives the newcomer a slip of paper with a website url. “This is a forum for comedians where they trade jokes. It’s perfect to find the right joke for the right occasion.”

So just before his first gig at a tailors convention, he looks up “jokes for tailors” on the forum. He manage...

An old Jewish comedian dies and goes to heaven.

He tells God a holocaust joke. God doesn't laugh. Comedian says, "Guess you had to be there."

A doctor, a teacher and a comedian die in a car accident.

Fortunately, they all got in to heaven and are given an orientation. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and your friends and family are talking about you, what would you like them to say?"

The doctor says "I would like them to say that I was a great doctor and a wonderful family...

Who is Greta Thunbergs favorite comedian.

Amy schumer because she recycles all her jokes!

A comedian tells a joke and no one in the audience laughs, to this he responds...

"Come on people! I do this for a living! Not for dead silence!"

What did the comedian say to the Chinese general who refused to laugh?

Why Tso serious?

I’ve always wanted to be a comedian

... but nobody takes my jokes seriously.

My friend is a good-looking comedian.

I'd say that he's a pretty stand-up guy.

I wanted to become a comedian, but the only person laughing at my jokes talked me out of it

Well at least I give good advice.

Say what you want about carrot top, but fact of the matter is he’s out there making a living as a comedian

You gotta give him props for that

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A Joke my Dad told that Im pretty sure I heard a comedian do once

So theres these three guys on a construction crew. Every day at lunch they compare what they get. Everday the italian guy gets pizza and he says " if I get this one more timea Ima jumpa offada buildinga!!!"

The irish guy pops open his metal box, lo and behold hes got mashed potatoes loaded wi...

Comedians like Chris Farley and George Carlin were so good, they're a national treasure

Well, they used to be anyway


Now they're just buried treasure

A comedian takes her friend to a joke-tellers' convention...

The comedian shows her friend the sign-up list for performers, then they grab their seats. The first performer walks out onto the stage, and says:

"16!"

He gets a few chuckles.

"5679!"

The crowd starts to laugh

"227!"

The crowd is in uproar, practically dryi...

So a clumsy comedian walks into a music shop.

ba dum tss

Comedians have decided to take covid 19 more seriously

From now on they’ll only be telling inside jokes

As a blind comedian, I've been trying to understand my audience.

But who am I kidding?

I can't believe my parents support my choice of profession! I told them that I wanted to become a stand-up comedian.

They laughed at me.

They told me I would never make it as a comedian

Well, no one's laughing now

Great comedian

I'm such a great comedian! Whenever I enter a room, people start laughing and pointing at me.

UK comedian Bobby Ball has sadly passed away

David Beckham has been invited to read the eulogy. The family wanted a dead ball specialist

A comedian dies and goes to heaven.

When he meets God, God says “Oh I see you were a comedian, how about a joke for us?” The comedian, who mainly focused on dark humor, decided to tell one of his classic Holocaust jokes. God looks annoyed by the joke and says “That wasn’t funny.”

So the comedian responds, “Well I guess you had...

When she was a child, Amy Schumer told her class she wanted to be a comedian. Her classmates laughed at her.

Nobody's laughing now...

Have you heard about that disabled comedian

he wasnt very good at stand-up

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What did the horny German comedian say to her boyfriend?

"Make laugh to me."

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My friend, who`s a comedian, laughed his ass of during one of his shows

The doctor said, that he will never be able to sit again.

Luckily, he can continue performing Stand-Up comedy.

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This one is from a famous comedian in my country

Two medical students notice an old man in the sidewalk. The old man has a hand in his hat, another in his butt and is having trouble walking. One student says to the other:

\- You see that? That is a clear case of Polio.

\- Nah, that is definitely femoral dysplasia.

The students...

Comedians tell better jokes when they’ve taken drugs.

It’s always funnier when they crack themselves up.

What's the most important skill that a US comedian must have?

Being able to make jokes on the fly.

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I went to watch a standup comedian who kept making stereotypical Jew jokes towards me...

I was so upset I demanded a double refund

A comedian pretends to enter a marathon...

It's a running joke.

Being a pizza delivery person and a comedian is hard work.

You have the right stuff, but sometimes you get the delivery wrong.

BTW, they fired me from my pizza delivery job.

Thanks to a comedian friend's advise, today I finally mustered up the courage to have a conversation with my crush.

So happy, I think it went exactly as he had advised: ended on a hi.

I wanna become a musical comedian

Sadly, none of my jokes are noteworthy...

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All those people claiming Donald Trump is like Hitler need a reality check.

After all, its not like Donald Trump could write a book.

Edit: alot of people moaning in the comments "this is a stupid joke, Trump did actually write some books so this makes no sense!?".

Look at the sub you are in, some of these posts you'll see will just be jokes. If you are the sn...

Every knows about comedian Bill Burr.

Many have not heard of his lumberjack brother Tim, he is one of the best in the world.

How did the comedian die?

He had a sense of tumour.

One day, daughter shack came to Mama and Papa shack and told them that she wanted to be a comedian.

“But you're not funny," said Mama shack.

Seeing his daughter's roofline sag in disappointment, Papa shack spoke up. "Maybe we could get you a coach?"

Daughter shack smiled with joy, and as she left, Papa shack arranged for a coach.

The coach came, a part time tiler who pr...

Did you hear about the comedian who couldn’t stop eating?

Everything he did was in jest.

If you make fun of a comedian

there's a high chance of you getting 'pun'ished.

Why don't comedians like being quarantined?

They can only make inside jokes.

Did you hear about the comedian who got a degree in agriculture?

He got a job on a funny farm.

A stand-up comedian got in a car accident and his legs got amputated

He's just a comedian now.

A stand-up comedian was arrested after killing a man for laughing too loud during his set

He was charged with hahamicide

Being a 6'3 comedian...

a lot of my jokes revolve around short people. However, after receiving multiple complaints, ive decided to stop making short jokes now.

I'm above that.

A group of comedians walk into a bar and take their seats at a table.

One of the comedians says, “Five!” And they all burst out laughing.

Another shouts, “Eight!” And they continue cracking up.

“Nine!” “Twelve!” Twenty two!” Soon, all of the comedians are laughing so hard it draws the attention of the bartender.

“What’s this all about? Why are yo...

Politically correct people are great comedians

Even when they say something's not funny people keep laughing

As a working comedian, I've decided to only work outdoor venues...

my inside jokes hardly get a laugh.

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Comedian Jeff Dunham has been accused of sexual assault

After allegations from his coworkers saying that he's been fisting them for decades.

Just look up his Youtube channel if you want to see evidence of this abuse. Millions have just sat by and watched while these poor souls suffered through tremendous pain right in-front of them.

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What is the difference between a comedian and a depressed person?

One has the balls to go on stage.

It must be tough for a comedian at a cricket club

He gets the same reaction whether he bowls them over or stumps them.

A comedians daughter made a new type of ''knock knock'' joke

Then she asks if he will remember her in a second

He answers ''yes''

She asks if he will remember her in a minute

He answers ''yes''

She asks if he will remember her in an hour

He answers ''yes''

She says ''knock knock''

He answers ''who's there?''...

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A comedian wrote down some jokes about masturbation.

He thought they would come in handy.

A comedian's fan offered him a joint

Not wanting to disappoint his fans, he accepted it. He almost finished the drive to his lodging when a police officer stopped his car.

The officer asked him, "Have you been drinking?" The comedian denied doing so.

The officer then asked, "Is that marijuana I smell?"

The comedi...

It must be tough being a standup comedian these days....

Because of the quarantine, they can only tell inside jokes.

Trump is reportedly upset that the Ukraine just elected a comedian as president.

Oh, Crimea river!

Did you know God was originally a comedian.

He was the first to make light of a situation.

I have a muslim friend who's a really bad comedian

You could say that all of his jokes bombed

What's the worst part about being a paralyzed comedian?

You can't do stand up.

What did the home-quarantined stand-up comedian say after he got a laugh from his video chat audience?

"Thanks, I'll be here all week!"

Told in a stand up act by a real woman comedian with a visible disability of cerebral palsy:

>I believe that you can do anything you want to do in life if you want it bad enough. That's why I'm going to be a brain surgeon!

Geri Jewell, comedian and actress

It’s a little known fact that surgeons are actually really good comedians

They always leave their patients in stitches!

My younger brother took his life 3 years ago. Always a comedian, here’s his cheesiest joke

Farmesan the dairy farmer is feeling bleu because of a string of falls he's been suffering. He calls up his doctor, Dr. Edam JaColby, and tells him "Doc, I'm in so much paineer!"and schedules an appointment. So Farmesan carephilly stumbles over to the clinic. "You mozzarella needed to see me cause y...

My Italian friend works part-time as a chef and part-time as a comedian.

I'm sick of hearing his gnocchi gnocchi jokes.

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A comedian is in the dressing room of a comedy club when he sees this guy sitting in the corner...

He wonders why the guy is there but thinks nothing of it. Before the first comedian goes on stage, he approaches the guy in the corner and whips out his dick. The guy in the corner jerks him off real quick, then pulls up his pants and goes on stage.

One by one, each of the other comedians in ...

Why do late night comedians skew left wing?

Because the right wing viewers have to work in the morning.

I tried to make a living as a comedian, but I constantly bombed every sets.

So I joined Al Qaeda instead.

All tiktoker's should be comedians

They should know what unemployment feels like

Two comedians were having a judged competition for telling original knock, knock jokes.

They were both disqualified as the whole competition was essentially a knock off

I went to Bank to deposit..

I went to Bank to deposit a check, and they asked me for ID. I said, “Are you telling me other people are trying to put money into my account and you’re telling them no?”

- Comedian Rich Vos

Were your parents comedians?

Because you're a joke.

Two Aliens come to our Planet

They are greeted by armed forces. They inform us that our inferior weapons don't stand a chance against them. The only way they will let us go is if we can make them laugh. However, they have seen all jokes there are on the internet and only a new original joke will work on them. Humanity gathers th...

A short joke.

If a former 80's Russian comedian went out and bought some off-brand vodka. Would that be Yakov Smirnoff buying knock-off Smirnoff?

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My fallback joke that I've been telling for about 20 years at this point.

A teacher isn't seeing much engagement in her class so, she decides to get the students more involved she offers up a proposition.

She tells all of her students that every Friday she is going to ask a "Question of the Day", if the students can get it right they can take the day off of school ...

Believe it or not, there are comedians who are simply not funny.

No joke.

My friend wanted to be a standup comedian

But couldn't, because his legs are paralyzed

Nowadays, comedians tell the news,

And, the media tells the joke.

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Bob the ant wanted to be a stand-up comedian

He had a wild, bold, and crazy personality and sense of humor. He knew he would be hilarious if he just had the opportunity to get in front of a crowd.
 

So Bob the ant went around town auditioning for gigs. He let his crazy attitude go full force at the judges. They weren’t too impressed,...

Bill Cosby was a great comedian...

even his drinks tasted funny.

Whats the difference between an item ordered on wish.com and a comedian telling a joke?

The method of delivery

A comedian was arrested after causing a 35 year old male to laugh himself to death.

Police are charging him with man's-laughter.

Did you hear about the Obstetrician who became a stand up comedian?

Apparently it’s all about the delivery for some people...

Amelia Earhart should’ve been a comedian

Because unlike her, her jokes always land

The Worst Comedian in the World

Have you guys heard about the terrible comedian who never finishes any of his jokes?

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My girlfriend told me she’s going to be a great comedian one day

She said every time we have sex a joke comes to her

What did the comedian say when someone kidnapped his child?

"You stole my joke!"

What disease do all comedians have?

Sillyacts

Don't ever attend Thanksgiving with a group of comedians...

...They'll never stop roasting the turkey.

Peter Pan would make a great comedian

His jokes would never get old

What's a comedians least favorite drink?

Booze

Did you hear about the ghost comedian’s show last night?

Apparently all you could hear in the place was “Boo!”

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