If I make just one joke, I'm not a comedian.

If I make just one joke, I'm not a comedian.

If I make just one dish, I'm not a chef.

Now when I kill ONE person

As a comedian, I see no reason to go on stage

They’re just gonna laugh at me.

When I was a kid, I told everyone that when I grew up, I wanted to be a stand-up comedian. They all laughed.

Well, I got a job doing standup in a comedy club, and no one's laughing now.

A rookie comedian asks an experienced comedian how he manages to cater his jokes toward his audience.

The comedian gives the newcomer a slip of paper with a website url. “This is a forum for comedians where they trade jokes. It’s perfect to find the right joke for the right occasion.”

So just before his first gig at a tailors convention, he looks up “jokes for tailors” on the forum. He manage...

Being a stand-up comedian with a humiliation kink

makes it really hard being on stage while people laugh at me.

Three comedians walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What'll it be, guys?"

The observational comic replies, "Isn't this just typical!" The slapstick comedian slips and bangs his head on the bar. Then the absurdist comedian says, "This joke is well-structured in a formal sense but not particularly funny."

A comedian was telling jokes about Putin. The material was not very good but

the execution was great.

I cant remember who this comedian or how the joke goes 100% but the gist is

So theres this joke i heard when i was young, my mom showed me him on youtube, it was a very deadpan, dry comedian, almost like mitch hedberg, and i cant remember who it was, but the gist of the joke is, "two aliens landed in their spaceship and walked up to me, they were super short, and i asked, h...

People laughed when I said I was gonna be a comedian

Well, they're not laughing now

I used to rip off famous comedians' jokes to post on Reddit for easy karma.

I still do, but I used to, too.

I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin.

The jokes weren’t that good, but I liked the execution.

Why did the comedian refuse to go to the doctor?

He thought laughter was the best medicine.

Did you hear about the paraplegic comedian?

He's great but he doesn't do stand-up.

Wanted to give being a comedian a try

but I fell and couldn’t standup…

Frank Sinatra was dining out one night when a young high school lad came up to his table.

“Mr. Sinatra," said the teen-age boy, “my name is Bernie Rosenberg. Would you please do me a favor?”
“What kind of favor?” Sinatra asked.
Well, I’m here with my girl and I want to make a good impression on her. I certainly would appreciate it if you would drop by my table and say ‘Hi, Be...

I can't believe my parents support my choice of profession! I told them that I wanted to become a stand-up comedian.

They laughed at me.

Yo mama is the greatest comedian in the world!

Because she delivered the greatest joke ever.

Teacher asks students for their favourite stand up comedians

Students start naming their favourite comedians.

Then one kid says : Joe Biden.

Another kid follows with : Donald Trump.

Political debate starts. When the teacher finaly quiets down the class there is only the person who didn't say who their favourite is, is the quiet kid.
...

A comedian tells a joke and no one in the audience laughs, to this he responds...

"Come on people! I do this for a living! Not for dead silence!"

What did the comedian say to death?

You're breathtaking

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[NSFW] A joke my cousin heard from an amateur comedian in a New York show

I was at an anti-police violence rally and somebody was shouting "Cops suck dick! Cops suck dick!" And I thought to myself... "Man, if cops did suck dick I'd be committing crimes all the time!"

Why do people with no arms make bad comedians?

Because they haven't got a funny bone in their body.

Not only was Stephen Hawking a great physicist, he was also a great comedian.

Sadly, his stand-up wasn’t very good.

I used to date a comedian. Things were going great until they met my parents.

They made a bad impression.

What to you get when you cross a boxer with a comedian?

A punchline

What do comedians eat for breakfast?

Pun-cakes.

Everyone knows comedian Bill Burr, most don't realize he has a huge family with lots of talent.

His mother, Barb, is a famous hair stylist.

Rob, his brother is in jail for theft.

His sister Cally is a great gunsmith.

Lastly, don't forget about his cousin the famous lumberjack, Tim.

I simmered ten comedians in water for 6 hours.

and made a laughing stock.

I was shipping comedians across the countr but it took to long

They said it was bad timing but great delivery

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A Joke my Dad told that Im pretty sure I heard a comedian do once

So theres these three guys on a construction crew. Every day at lunch they compare what they get. Everday the italian guy gets pizza and he says " if I get this one more timea Ima jumpa offada buildinga!!!"

The irish guy pops open his metal box, lo and behold hes got mashed potatoes loaded wi...

Years ago I told my family and friends that I was going to become a successful comedian and they just laughed.

They're not laughing now!!

You wouldn't be able to be a comedian in space

Because there is no atmosphere

The weirdest thing happened today when I visited an American prime time tv studio. There was a blocked off zone guarded by police with signs saying “no comedians allowed, untalented people only”.

I was surprised to see they’d Cordened off the area.

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If you have sex with a professional comedian...

Is that a funny-bone?

What do chiropractors and comedians have in common?

They both crack people up.

What does a Hawaiian comedian put on a sunburn?

Aloe-Ha!

What does a boxing comedian need?

A good punchline.

An old Jewish comedian dies and goes to heaven.

He tells God a holocaust joke. God doesn't laugh. Comedian says, "Guess you had to be there."

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What’s the difference between a lousy trashy stand up comedian and a father telling jokes about stationery?

One is bad at telling dick jokes.
The other is dad at telling Bic jokes.

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Comedian Jeff Dunham has been accused of sexual assault

After allegations from his coworkers saying that he's been fisting them for decades.

Just look up his Youtube channel if you want to see evidence of this abuse. Millions have just sat by and watched while these poor souls suffered through tremendous pain right in-front of them.

Many were present at the funeral today of the oldest and unfunniest comedian.

In tribute, the vicar read out one of his jokes, and the congregation had two minutes silence.

Great comedian

I'm such a great comedian! Whenever I enter a room, people start laughing and pointing at me.

What's a comedians favorite wrestling move??¿?

The Knee Slapper

As a blind comedian, I've been trying to understand my audience.

But who am I kidding?

Two burglars tried to ransack a comedian's office, but they were caught while making their getaway.

Turns out they couldn't take a joke.

science explained

This is a joke translated from german
Original is from Vince Ebert, a german comedian

What is Science? Simple said Science is about making a prediction and then try to proof it,
Example:
If i theorise "There is Beer in the fridge!" and then proceed and go looking into the fridge fo...

A comedian was telling a joke about binary numbers.

It was a good bit.

Comedian Sinbad shocked

...the entertainment world today as he announced his devotion to the church. This happened when he realized, sin bad.

What did the comedian say to the Chinese general who refused to laugh?

Why Tso serious?

UK comedian Bobby Ball has sadly passed away

David Beckham has been invited to read the eulogy. The family wanted a dead ball specialist

A comedian takes her friend to a joke-tellers' convention...

The comedian shows her friend the sign-up list for performers, then they grab their seats. The first performer walks out onto the stage, and says:

"16!"

He gets a few chuckles.

"5679!"

The crowd starts to laugh

"227!"

The crowd is in uproar, practically dryi...

Who is Greta Thunbergs favorite comedian.

Amy schumer because she recycles all her jokes!

A lot of comedians these days have a major issue with 'woke' people

Bill Cosby, for instance...

Give me your best kids knock-knock jokes!

My 4 year old is a budding comedian, and her new favourite is knock-knock jokes. She keeps asking me for new ones that she can tell to people, but I can't find many good ones that she will understand.

The current go-to's are:

Knock knock -- Who's there? -- Europe! -- Europe who? -- No,...

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What's the difference between becoming a famous stand-up comedian by your own devices vs stealing your jokes?

One is luck n' fame, the other is fuckin' lame.

What do you call a comedian left in the cold?

Bill Brrrrr

I have a lot of jokes about comedians

Problem is, none of them are funny

Where can you find comedians on New Year's Eve?

Waiting for the punchline.

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A band teacher is giving a quiz to her class where you have to guess the name of a famous song based on a clue.

She starts with the easy clues: "Comedian".

"The Entertainer!" one of the flute players says immediately.

Then the teacher goes to a slightly more difficult clue: "Metal container is able to".

"The Cancan!" a saxophone player responds instantly.

Pleased with the results s...

My friend is a good-looking comedian.

I'd say that he's a pretty stand-up guy.

Every knows about comedian Bill Burr.

Many have not heard of his lumberjack brother Tim, he is one of the best in the world.

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This one is from a famous comedian in my country

Two medical students notice an old man in the sidewalk. The old man has a hand in his hat, another in his butt and is having trouble walking. One student says to the other:

\- You see that? That is a clear case of Polio.

\- Nah, that is definitely femoral dysplasia.

The students...

A stand-up comedian got in a car accident and his legs got amputated

He's just a comedian now.

I work as a comedian in China, and the authorities are always vetting my material.

>!everythIng is Always Moderated wIthiN a Justified mAnner, precIse and Legitimate. !<

I’ve always wanted to be a comedian

... but nobody takes my jokes seriously.

Say what you want about carrot top, but fact of the matter is he’s out there making a living as a comedian

You gotta give him props for that

Comedians like Chris Farley and George Carlin were so good, they're a national treasure

Well, they used to be anyway


Now they're just buried treasure

Trump is reportedly upset that the Ukraine just elected a comedian as president.

Oh, Crimea river!

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My friend, who`s a comedian, laughed his ass of during one of his shows

The doctor said, that he will never be able to sit again.

Luckily, he can continue performing Stand-Up comedy.

A group of comedians walk into a bar and take their seats at a table.

One of the comedians says, “Five!” And they all burst out laughing.

Another shouts, “Eight!” And they continue cracking up.

“Nine!” “Twelve!” Twenty two!” Soon, all of the comedians are laughing so hard it draws the attention of the bartender.

“What’s this all about? Why are yo...

One day, daughter shack came to Mama and Papa shack and told them that she wanted to be a comedian.

“But you're not funny," said Mama shack.

Seeing his daughter's roofline sag in disappointment, Papa shack spoke up. "Maybe we could get you a coach?"

Daughter shack smiled with joy, and as she left, Papa shack arranged for a coach.

The coach came, a part time tiler who pr...

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What did the horny German comedian say to her boyfriend?

"Make laugh to me."

Being a pizza delivery person and a comedian is hard work.

You have the right stuff, but sometimes you get the delivery wrong.

BTW, they fired me from my pizza delivery job.

How did the comedian die?

He had a sense of tumour.

Thanks to a comedian friend's advise, today I finally mustered up the courage to have a conversation with my crush.

So happy, I think it went exactly as he had advised: ended on a hi.

If you make fun of a comedian

there's a high chance of you getting 'pun'ished.

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All those people claiming Donald Trump is like Hitler need a reality check.

After all, its not like Donald Trump could write a book.

Edit: alot of people moaning in the comments "this is a stupid joke, Trump did actually write some books so this makes no sense!?".

Look at the sub you are in, some of these posts you'll see will just be jokes. If you are the sn...

Did you know God was originally a comedian.

He was the first to make light of a situation.

I wanna become a musical comedian

Sadly, none of my jokes are noteworthy...

A comedian pretends to enter a marathon...

It's a running joke.

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I went to watch a standup comedian who kept making stereotypical Jew jokes towards me...

I was so upset I demanded a double refund

My younger brother took his life 3 years ago. Always a comedian, here’s his cheesiest joke

Farmesan the dairy farmer is feeling bleu because of a string of falls he's been suffering. He calls up his doctor, Dr. Edam JaColby, and tells him "Doc, I'm in so much paineer!"and schedules an appointment. So Farmesan carephilly stumbles over to the clinic. "You mozzarella needed to see me cause y...

What's the most important skill that a US comedian must have?

Being able to make jokes on the fly.

A comedian's fan offered him a joint

Not wanting to disappoint his fans, he accepted it. He almost finished the drive to his lodging when a police officer stopped his car.

The officer asked him, "Have you been drinking?" The comedian denied doing so.

The officer then asked, "Is that marijuana I smell?"

The comedi...

Why do late night comedians skew left wing?

Because the right wing viewers have to work in the morning.

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A comedian is in the dressing room of a comedy club when he sees this guy sitting in the corner...

He wonders why the guy is there but thinks nothing of it. Before the first comedian goes on stage, he approaches the guy in the corner and whips out his dick. The guy in the corner jerks him off real quick, then pulls up his pants and goes on stage.

One by one, each of the other comedians in ...

So a clumsy comedian walks into a music shop...

#BA DUM TSS

It’s a little known fact that surgeons are actually really good comedians

They always leave their patients in stitches!

Did you hear about the comedian who couldn’t stop eating?

Everything he did was in jest.

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A comedian wrote down some jokes about masturbation.

He thought they would come in handy.

It must be tough for a comedian at a cricket club

He gets the same reaction whether he bowls them over or stumps them.

People use to laugh at me when I would say "I want to be a comedian"

Well nobody is laughing now.

Great news! My son was born a few days ago!

I've been waiting for the dad jokes to kick in but I guess I still have to wait a bit.
In other news, the mail man on my street quit his job and became a comedian.

Bill Cosby was a great comedian...

even his drinks tasted funny.

I have a muslim friend who's a really bad comedian

You could say that all of his jokes bombed

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Bob the ant wanted to be a stand-up comedian

He had a wild, bold, and crazy personality and sense of humor. He knew he would be hilarious if he just had the opportunity to get in front of a crowd.
 

So Bob the ant went around town auditioning for gigs. He let his crazy attitude go full force at the judges. They weren’t too impressed,...

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