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Comedian Jokes

If I make just one joke, I'm not a comedian.

If I make just one joke, I'm not a comedian.

If I make just one dish, I'm not a chef.

Now when I kill ONE person

As a comedian, I see no reason to go on stage

They’re just gonna laugh at me.

Two cannibals are eating a comedian.

One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"

The other replies, "Kinda dry. I think we roasted him too long."

What do you call a procrastinating comedian?

Uhh I don't know, I'll come up with the punch line later

Zelensky is the best comedian

He turned the whole Russia into joke

My friends won't let me babysit their kids because I'm a professional comedian, but why?

I've always done a stand-up job.

What does a doctor with a comedian degree do?

He leaves the patients in stiches

Comedian Gallagher, Famous for Smashing Watermelons, dies at 76

He wasn't as good as Smashing Pumpkins, but he made a splash.

A lawyer, comedian and a war hero walk into a bar.

The bartender says, “what can I get for you, Mr Zelensky?”

Credit to u/DrDerpberg

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How can I improve this joke I wrote?

A man one day hears a buzzing noise from the spare bedroom in his house and when he goes to open the door it's locked. His wife walks out 15 minutes later looking very relaxed and he asks her what that noise was.

She tells him its the new vibrator she bought and its amazing! The next day the ...

What pronouns do comedians use?

He/he/he

Why don’t comedians like hanging out with Will Smith?

Because he’s always improving their punchlines.

What is the difference between a comedian and a priest?

They both take your money and only one makes you laugh.

They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian.

Well, they're not laughing now! Wait…

Why was the horse comedian so bad at stand-up?

He kept forgetting his bit!

I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin.

The jokes weren't that good, but I liked the execution.

I used to rip off famous comedians' jokes to post on Reddit for easy karma.

I still do, but I used to, too.

Volodymyr Zelenskyy is the greatest comedian of all time.

He even turned Vladimir Putin into a joke.

Being a stand-up comedian with a humiliation kink

makes it really hard being on stage while people laugh at me.

My 8 year old son wants to be a comedian.

He also like quantum physics, so I suggested he make up some jokes. Here's the first two.

What so you call a particle who likes taking pictures?
A photongrapher

Why did the apple fall out of the tree?
It ran out of gluons.

If you have any Similar he'd love to hear them and...

What do a chiropractor, a comedian, and a druggie all have in common?

They all try their best to crack you up!





(i posted this to a different joke sub a few hours ago... first time poster, hope i'm following community guidelines)

Which goddess did standup comedians worship in Ancient Greece?

Amirite.

What's a similarity between a guy in a wheelchair and a bad comedian

They can't do standup

Do you know what it’s like to be a comedian with ADHD?

Why is this font so small?

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I went to see a crossdressing comedian the other day,

He wasn’t very funny but at least he had the balls to do it.

Otto Waalkes (german comedian)

Waiter, the coffee is cold! – If you want something warm, you should order a beer.

So it is possible to just slap a comedian that annoys you.

You don't need to destroy their whole country.

Why do Amazon Prime drivers make terrible comedians?

Because their delivery takes two days.

How many bad comedians does it take to change a lightbulb?

One.

What is common between Batman, Will Smith and Putin?

They all attacked a comedian

Why do mountain ranges make such good comedians?

Because they're HILL-AREAS!

Slapping a comedian on stage at the oscars?

Say what you Will, but that’s a bald move.

Why did Zelensky become a comedian?

He wasn’t afraid of bombing.

How many lightbulbs dos it take to screw in a comedian?

Two. One to screw in the comedian, one to mess the joke up.

A girl wants to be a comedian when she grows up.

Her parents are sad she doesn't want to carry on the family farm, but they encourage their daughter to follow her dreams. She's too shy to tell people her puns in person, so she figures out how to share them another way.

The girl takes a bunch of her father's old pasture fence posts and pound...

Where do all Finnish comedians live?

Hehelsinki

What’s the difference between a comedian and a clown?

One leads Ukraine, the other leads Russia.

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A distraught woman answered the door…

DISCLAIMER: I heard this 30 years ago and was told this was a true story. Then I heard a comedian tell it 20 years ago. I have no idea what the actual origin is so haters kindly please step off. Lol

==========

The nighttime festivities at a neighborhood pub were winding down when the b...

A man accomplishes his life-long dream of becoming a stand-up comedian

However, he does not find any success in the field. His jokes are poor and quite predictable. So, after a couple of weak performances, he quits comedy. Frustrated, he punches at a punching bag, and finds it weirdly satisfying. So, he decides to take up a career in professional boxing as a means to f...

As a comedian, I always want to hear laughs

except when I'm alone.

When a comedian looks down on everyone

That's peak comedy.

When I was a kid, I told everyone that when I grew up, I wanted to be a stand-up comedian. They all laughed.

Well, I got a job doing standup in a comedy club, and no one's laughing now.

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The aspiring comedian (not that funny but I made it myself)

So this aspiring comedian went to his local comedy club, like he did most weekends, and to his surprise his all time favorite comedian was doing a out of the blue performance at his local comedy club.

So he bought him self a ticket and proceeded to have one of the best nights of his life, ...

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Comedian Jeff Dunham has been accused of sexual assault

After allegations from his coworkers saying that he's been fisting them for decades.

Just look up his Youtube channel if you want to see evidence of this abuse. Millions have just sat by and watched while these poor souls suffered through tremendous pain right in-front of them.

Three comedians walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What'll it be, guys?"

The observational comic replies, "Isn't this just typical!" The slapstick comedian slips and bangs his head on the bar. Then the absurdist comedian says, "This joke is well-structured in a formal sense but not particularly funny."

A comedian tells a joke and no one in the audience laughs, to this he responds...

"Come on people! I do this for a living! Not for dead silence!"

Why did the cannibal comedian hate playing gigs at retirement communities?

Tough crowd.

When my wife gave birth I didn’t feel the dad jokes kicking in,

But my brother became a comedian overnight.

I've heard people tell me that narcissists don't make good comedians

Yeah, well they don't know how hard it is to tell jokes in a room full of intellectually-compromised mouth-breathing troglodytes. I'm the greatest comedian of all time and nobody appreciates me!

Why couldn't the comedian in a wheelchair get an audience?

He couldn't do Stand Up comedy!

I cant remember who this comedian or how the joke goes 100% but the gist is

So theres this joke i heard when i was young, my mom showed me him on youtube, it was a very deadpan, dry comedian, almost like mitch hedberg, and i cant remember who it was, but the gist of the joke is, "two aliens landed in their spaceship and walked up to me, they were super short, and i asked, h...

Did you hear about the paraplegic comedian?

He's great but he doesn't do stand-up.

Why didn’t anyone offer the comedian a seat in the bus?

Because he was a standup comedian.

One time a standup comedian started telling direction puns.

They were downright disgraceful; the audience up and left.

What did the imposter comedian saw when he was arrested in the House of Lords?

"The real joker's in the commons!"

Why shouldn't you start a war with a comedian?

They have a lot of experience with bombing.

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Guy talking to his mate Dave.

Guy: You still working as a part time comedian Dave?

Dave: Yeah, I done a gig at the Alzheimer's society club,

they liked my first joke so much I told it again and again.

In fact I told it 35 times, this old bloke came up to me after

and said, I don't know how the fuck yo...

To everyone who gets offended by comedians making inappropriate jokes. Have you ever just wished that you could slap them silly? well fear not..

Where there's a Will there's a way.

Why can't a rotten egg become a comedian?

He only has bad yolks

Everyone knows comedian Bill Burr, most don't realize he has a huge family with lots of talent.

His mother, Barb, is a famous hair stylist.

Rob, his brother is in jail for theft.

His sister Cally is a great gunsmith.

Lastly, don't forget about his cousin the famous lumberjack, Tim.

Why did the comedian refuse to go to the doctor?

He thought laughter was the best medicine.

A comedian opened his act by saying "Yo, Adrian!"

His show had a rocky start.

I went to see a comedian perform in a hotel room

He told some suite jokes

I can't believe my parents support my choice of profession! I told them that I wanted to become a stand-up comedian.

They laughed at me.

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I know a comedian who married a girl named Funny

He's fucking funny.

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Why are so many comedians gay?

Because they aren't the straight man.

Why do bullfrogs love terrible comedians?

----------?






*crickets*

As a blind comedian, I've been trying to understand my audience.

But who am I kidding?

Why did the phlebotomist moonlight as a stand-up comedian?

They had a good sense of humors!

Yo mama is the greatest comedian in the world!

Because she delivered the greatest joke ever.

Years ago I told my family and friends that I was going to become a successful comedian and they just laughed.

They're not laughing now!!

An old Jewish comedian dies and goes to heaven.

He tells God a holocaust joke. God doesn't laugh. Comedian says, "Guess you had to be there."

Three men meet Saint Peter at the Holy Gates......

.......and Saint Peter demands that they recount their deeds in life!

The first man steps up. "I was a doctor," he says. "I could've gone into private practice and made a lot of money, but I preferred to take care of the poor and impoverished. I like to think that I brought happiness into ...

Wanted to give being a comedian a try

but I fell and couldn’t standup…

My dad is an online comedian who specialises in dad jokes about ice cream.

He calls himself the "LOL ePop".

Who is Greta Thunbergs favorite comedian.

Amy schumer because she recycles all her jokes!

Not only was Stephen Hawking a great physicist, he was also a great comedian.

Sadly, his stand-up wasn’t very good.

Two countries go to war...

Ones president is a comedian, and the other is a joke.

What's a comedians least favorite drink?

Booze

I used to date a comedian. Things were going great until they met my parents.

They made a bad impression.

Trump is reportedly upset that the Ukraine just elected a comedian as president.

Oh, Crimea river!

What do comedians eat for breakfast?

Pun-cakes.

People use to laugh at me when I would say "I want to be a comedian"

Well nobody is laughing now.

What does a Hawaiian comedian put on a sunburn?

Aloe-Ha!

Many were present at the funeral today of the oldest and unfunniest comedian.

In tribute, the vicar read out one of his jokes, and the congregation had two minutes silence.

A musician is hired to perform at a home for the elderly

When he arrives, there is a comedian already on the stage. The comedian says "Number seventeen!" And the crowd chuckles. Then he says "Number thirty-one!" The crowd laughs. Then he says "Number fourty-four!" And the crowd roars and claps.

The musician is naturally confused, so he asks t...

Why do people with no arms make bad comedians?

Because they haven't got a funny bone in their body.

You wouldn't be able to be a comedian in space

Because there is no atmosphere

A lot of comedians these days have a major issue with 'woke' people

Bill Cosby, for instance...

My younger brother took his life 3 years ago. Always a comedian, here’s his cheesiest joke

Farmesan the dairy farmer is feeling bleu because of a string of falls he's been suffering. He calls up his doctor, Dr. Edam JaColby, and tells him "Doc, I'm in so much paineer!"and schedules an appointment. So Farmesan carephilly stumbles over to the clinic. "You mozzarella needed to see me cause y...

What do chiropractors and comedians have in common?

They both crack people up.

Dogs are forever in the push up postion.

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

RIP to one of my favorite comedians, Mitch Hedberg. The king of one liners

Vladimir Zelenski is a backwards politician.

Most politicians act like heroes to get elected and comedians while in office.

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[NSFW] A joke my cousin heard from an amateur comedian in a New York show

I was at an anti-police violence rally and somebody was shouting "Cops suck dick! Cops suck dick!" And I thought to myself... "Man, if cops did suck dick I'd be committing crimes all the time!"

One day, daughter shack came to Mama and Papa shack and told them that she wanted to be a comedian.

“But you're not funny," said Mama shack.

Seeing his daughter's roofline sag in disappointment, Papa shack spoke up. "Maybe we could get you a coach?"

Daughter shack smiled with joy, and as she left, Papa shack arranged for a coach.

The coach came, a part time tiler who pr...

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If you have sex with a professional comedian...

Is that a funny-bone?

What does a boxing comedian need?

A good punchline.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between becoming a famous stand-up comedian by your own devices vs stealing your jokes?

One is luck n' fame, the other is fuckin' lame.

What's a comedians favorite wrestling move??¿?

The Knee Slapper

I wanna become a musical comedian

Sadly, none of my jokes are noteworthy...

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