If I make just one joke, I'm not a comedian.

If I make just one joke, I'm not a comedian.

If I make just one dish, I'm not a chef.

Now when I kill ONE person

A Comedian in Russia.

I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin. The jokes weren't that good, but I liked the execution.

As a comedian, I see no reason to go on stage

They’re just gonna laugh at me.

A doctor, a teacher and a comedian die in a car accident.

Fortunately, they all got in to heaven and are given an orientation. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and your friends and family are talking about you, what would you like them to say?"

The doctor says "I would like them to say that I was a great doctor and a wonderful family...

A comedian tells a joke and no one in the audience laughs, to this he responds...

"Come on people! I do this for a living! Not for dead silence!"

My friends used to laugh at me when I told them that I wanted to become a comedian

Well nobody's laughing now

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A Joke my Dad told that Im pretty sure I heard a comedian do once

So theres these three guys on a construction crew. Every day at lunch they compare what they get. Everday the italian guy gets pizza and he says " if I get this one more timea Ima jumpa offada buildinga!!!"

The irish guy pops open his metal box, lo and behold hes got mashed potatoes loaded wi...

Why do people with no arms make bad comedians?

Because they haven't got a funny bone in their body.

I used to date a comedian. Things were going great until they met my parents.

They made a bad impression.

A rookie comedian asks an experienced comedian how he manages to cater his jokes toward his audience.

The comedian gives the newcomer a slip of paper with a website url. “This is a forum for comedians where they trade jokes. It’s perfect to find the right joke for the right occasion.”

So just before his first gig at a tailors convention, he looks up “jokes for tailors” on the forum. He manage...

An American comedian and a Chinese comedian are having a conversation

American: "I've been writing some new jokes lately, they're really funny."

Chinese: "Me too."

American: "The amount I've written is worth around 2 hours of stage time."

Chinese: "The amount I've written is worth around 30 years of labor camp time."

What's a comedians favorite wrestling move??¿?

The Knee Slapper

You wouldn't be able to be a comedian in space

Because there is no atmosphere

Years ago I told my family and friends that I was going to become a successful comedian and they just laughed.

They're not laughing now!!

The weirdest thing happened today when I visited an American prime time tv studio. There was a blocked off zone guarded by police with signs saying “no comedians allowed, untalented people only”.

I was surprised to see they’d Cordened off the area.

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If you have sex with a professional comedian...

Is that a funny-bone?

When I told everyone I was gonna become a professional stand up comedian, they all laughed…

Well, they’re not laughing now!

What does a boxing comedian need?

A good punchline.

Yo mama is the greatest comedian in the world!

Because she delivered the greatest joke ever.

I can't believe my parents support my choice of profession! I told them that I wanted to become a stand-up comedian.

They laughed at me.

I simmered ten comedians in water for 6 hours.

and made a laughing stock.

What to you get when you cross a boxer with a comedian?

A punchline

Great comedian

I'm such a great comedian! Whenever I enter a room, people start laughing and pointing at me.

What does a Hawaiian comedian put on a sunburn?

Aloe-Ha!

What do comedians eat for breakfast?

Pun-cakes.

What do chiropractors and comedians have in common?

They both crack people up.

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What’s the difference between a lousy trashy stand up comedian and a father telling jokes about stationery?

One is bad at telling dick jokes.
The other is dad at telling Bic jokes.

Two burglars tried to ransack a comedian's office, but they were caught while making their getaway.

Turns out they couldn't take a joke.

Comedian Sinbad shocked

...the entertainment world today as he announced his devotion to the church. This happened when he realized, sin bad.

A comedian was telling a joke about binary numbers.

It was a good bit.

I was shipping comedians across the countr but it took to long

They said it was bad timing but great delivery

Many were present at the funeral today of the oldest and unfunniest comedian.

In tribute, the vicar read out one of his jokes, and the congregation had two minutes silence.

UK comedian Bobby Ball has sadly passed away

David Beckham has been invited to read the eulogy. The family wanted a dead ball specialist

Comedians have decided to take covid 19 more seriously

From now on they’ll only be telling inside jokes

Comedians tell better jokes when they’ve taken drugs.

It’s always funnier when they crack themselves up.

Two cannibals are eating a comedian...

... one says to the other 'does this taste funny to you?'

Everyone knows comedian Bill Burr, most don't realize he has a huge family with lots of talent.

His mother, Barb, is a famous hair stylist.

Rob, his brother is in jail for theft.

His sister Cally is a great gunsmith.

Lastly, don't forget about his cousin the famous lumberjack, Tim.

Teacher asks students for their favourite stand up comedians

Students start naming their favourite comedians.

Then one kid says : Joe Biden.

Another kid follows with : Donald Trump.

Political debate starts. When the teacher finaly quiets down the class there is only the person who didn't say who their favourite is, is the quiet kid.
...

I always wanted to be a stand-up comedian when I grew up...

But I knew I would get tired and have to sit down

As a blind comedian, I've been trying to understand my audience.

But who am I kidding?

What do you call a comedian left in the cold?

Bill Brrrrr

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What's the difference between becoming a famous stand-up comedian by your own devices vs stealing your jokes?

One is luck n' fame, the other is fuckin' lame.

What did the comedian say to the Chinese general who refused to laugh?

Why Tso serious?

My friend is a good-looking comedian.

I'd say that he's a pretty stand-up guy.

A comedian takes her friend to a joke-tellers' convention...

The comedian shows her friend the sign-up list for performers, then they grab their seats. The first performer walks out onto the stage, and says:

"16!"

He gets a few chuckles.

"5679!"

The crowd starts to laugh

"227!"

The crowd is in uproar, practically dryi...

An old Jewish comedian dies and goes to heaven.

He tells God a holocaust joke. God doesn't laugh. Comedian says, "Guess you had to be there."

I have a lot of jokes about comedians

Problem is, none of them are funny

I work as a comedian in China, and the authorities are always vetting my material.

>!everythIng is Always Moderated wIthiN a Justified mAnner, precIse and Legitimate. !<

I’ve always wanted to be a comedian

... but nobody takes my jokes seriously.

From my 6 year old: What does a cloud wear beneath its pants?

Thunderwear!


Edit: Thanks so much for the awards! I told my 6yo this morning how much love his joke got, and he’s absolutely walking on air!

You may have just helped create a comedian, you monsters.

A comedian dies and goes to heaven.

When he meets God, God says “Oh I see you were a comedian, how about a joke for us?” The comedian, who mainly focused on dark humor, decided to tell one of his classic Holocaust jokes. God looks annoyed by the joke and says “That wasn’t funny.”

So the comedian responds, “Well I guess you had...

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This one is from a famous comedian in my country

Two medical students notice an old man in the sidewalk. The old man has a hand in his hat, another in his butt and is having trouble walking. One student says to the other:

\- You see that? That is a clear case of Polio.

\- Nah, that is definitely femoral dysplasia.

The students...

Comedians like Chris Farley and George Carlin were so good, they're a national treasure

Well, they used to be anyway


Now they're just buried treasure

Every knows about comedian Bill Burr.

Many have not heard of his lumberjack brother Tim, he is one of the best in the world.

A stand-up comedian got in a car accident and his legs got amputated

He's just a comedian now.

So a clumsy comedian walks into a music shop.

ba dum tss

A lot of comedians these days have a major issue with 'woke' people

Bill Cosby, for instance...

Who is Greta Thunbergs favorite comedian.

Amy schumer because she recycles all her jokes!

When she was a child, Amy Schumer told her class she wanted to be a comedian. Her classmates laughed at her.

Nobody's laughing now...

Why was the husband so worried after his lovely wife gave birth?

The dad jokes hadn't kicked in and the mailman was suddenly a comedian.

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What did the horny German comedian say to her boyfriend?

"Make laugh to me."

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Comedian Jeff Dunham has been accused of sexual assault

After allegations from his coworkers saying that he's been fisting them for decades.

Just look up his Youtube channel if you want to see evidence of this abuse. Millions have just sat by and watched while these poor souls suffered through tremendous pain right in-front of them.

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My friend, who`s a comedian, laughed his ass of during one of his shows

The doctor said, that he will never be able to sit again.

Luckily, he can continue performing Stand-Up comedy.

Being a pizza delivery person and a comedian is hard work.

You have the right stuff, but sometimes you get the delivery wrong.

BTW, they fired me from my pizza delivery job.

Thanks to a comedian friend's advise, today I finally mustered up the courage to have a conversation with my crush.

So happy, I think it went exactly as he had advised: ended on a hi.

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All those people claiming Donald Trump is like Hitler need a reality check.

After all, its not like Donald Trump could write a book.

Edit: alot of people moaning in the comments "this is a stupid joke, Trump did actually write some books so this makes no sense!?".

Look at the sub you are in, some of these posts you'll see will just be jokes. If you are the sn...

Say what you want about carrot top, but fact of the matter is he’s out there making a living as a comedian

You gotta give him props for that

One day, daughter shack came to Mama and Papa shack and told them that she wanted to be a comedian.

“But you're not funny," said Mama shack.

Seeing his daughter's roofline sag in disappointment, Papa shack spoke up. "Maybe we could get you a coach?"

Daughter shack smiled with joy, and as she left, Papa shack arranged for a coach.

The coach came, a part time tiler who pr...

If you make fun of a comedian

there's a high chance of you getting 'pun'ished.

How did the comedian die?

He had a sense of tumour.

Did you hear about the comedian who got a degree in agriculture?

He got a job on a funny farm.

I wanna become a musical comedian

Sadly, none of my jokes are noteworthy...

What's the most important skill that a US comedian must have?

Being able to make jokes on the fly.

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I went to watch a standup comedian who kept making stereotypical Jew jokes towards me...

I was so upset I demanded a double refund

A comedian pretends to enter a marathon...

It's a running joke.

Men can’t be all that bad...

...I mean what else will female comedians talk about?

When you’re too ugly to be an actor and too lazy to learn an instrument...

...you become a comedian.

Trump is reportedly upset that the Ukraine just elected a comedian as president.

Oh, Crimea river!

A stand-up comedian was arrested after killing a man for laughing too loud during his set

He was charged with hahamicide

It must be tough for a comedian at a cricket club

He gets the same reaction whether he bowls them over or stumps them.

My younger brother took his life 3 years ago. Always a comedian, here’s his cheesiest joke

Farmesan the dairy farmer is feeling bleu because of a string of falls he's been suffering. He calls up his doctor, Dr. Edam JaColby, and tells him "Doc, I'm in so much paineer!"and schedules an appointment. So Farmesan carephilly stumbles over to the clinic. "You mozzarella needed to see me cause y...

A comedian's fan offered him a joint

Not wanting to disappoint his fans, he accepted it. He almost finished the drive to his lodging when a police officer stopped his car.

The officer asked him, "Have you been drinking?" The comedian denied doing so.

The officer then asked, "Is that marijuana I smell?"

The comedi...

It’s a little known fact that surgeons are actually really good comedians

They always leave their patients in stitches!

Did you know God was originally a comedian.

He was the first to make light of a situation.

It must be tough being a standup comedian these days....

Because of the quarantine, they can only tell inside jokes.

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A comedian wrote down some jokes about masturbation.

He thought they would come in handy.

What do you call your mother's mother's mother's sister?

Your great antique.

Follow up Joke: what do call your father's father's father? Old as hell.


Both jokes courtesy of the 10 year old comedian in my house.

Why did the crowd boo at the comedian when he lost at boxing?

He didn't use his punchline.

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A comedian is in the dressing room of a comedy club when he sees this guy sitting in the corner...

He wonders why the guy is there but thinks nothing of it. Before the first comedian goes on stage, he approaches the guy in the corner and whips out his dick. The guy in the corner jerks him off real quick, then pulls up his pants and goes on stage.

One by one, each of the other comedians in ...

Why do late night comedians skew left wing?

Because the right wing viewers have to work in the morning.

Politically correct

I identify as as a comedian
My pronouns are HE HE HE HE HE HE HE HE HE HE

I have a muslim friend who's a really bad comedian

You could say that all of his jokes bombed

My friend wanted to be a standup comedian

But couldn't, because his legs are paralyzed

What's the worst part about being a paralyzed comedian?

You can't do stand up.

What did the home-quarantined stand-up comedian say after he got a laugh from his video chat audience?

"Thanks, I'll be here all week!"

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Bob the ant wanted to be a stand-up comedian

He had a wild, bold, and crazy personality and sense of humor. He knew he would be hilarious if he just had the opportunity to get in front of a crowd.
 

So Bob the ant went around town auditioning for gigs. He let his crazy attitude go full force at the judges. They weren’t too impressed,...

I tried to make a living as a comedian, but I constantly bombed every sets.

So I joined Al Qaeda instead.

Bill Cosby was a great comedian...

even his drinks tasted funny.

Two comedians were having a judged competition for telling original knock, knock jokes.

They were both disqualified as the whole competition was essentially a knock off

Nowadays, comedians tell the news,

And, the media tells the joke.

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