If I make just one joke, I'm not a comedian.

If I make just one joke, I'm not a comedian.

If I make just one dish, I'm not a chef.

Now when I kill ONE person

As a comedian, I see no reason to go on stage

They’re just gonna laugh at me.

I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin.

The jokes weren’t that good, but I liked the execution.

My friends used to laugh at me when I told them that I wanted to become a comedian

I am a comedian today and nobody is laughing

A rookie comedian asks an experienced comedian how he manages to cater his jokes toward his audience.

The comedian gives the newcomer a slip of paper with a website url. “This is a forum for comedians where they trade jokes. It’s perfect to find the right joke for the right occasion.”

So just before his first gig at a tailors convention, he looks up “jokes for tailors” on the forum. He manage...

I can't believe my parents support my choice of profession! I told them that I wanted to become a stand-up comedian.

They laughed at me.

Yo mama is the greatest comedian in the world!

Because she delivered the greatest joke ever.

What did Bob Marley say to the failing comedian?

Give up, stand up.

A comedian tells a joke and no one in the audience laughs, to this he responds...

"Come on people! I do this for a living! Not for dead silence!"

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A Joke my Dad told that Im pretty sure I heard a comedian do once

So theres these three guys on a construction crew. Every day at lunch they compare what they get. Everday the italian guy gets pizza and he says " if I get this one more timea Ima jumpa offada buildinga!!!"

The irish guy pops open his metal box, lo and behold hes got mashed potatoes loaded wi...

I used to rip off famous comedians' jokes to post on Reddit for easy karma.

I still do, but I used to, too.

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[NSFW] A joke my cousin heard from an amateur comedian in a New York show

I was at an anti-police violence rally and somebody was shouting "Cops suck dick! Cops suck dick!" And I thought to myself... "Man, if cops did suck dick I'd be committing crimes all the time!"

Wanted to give being a comedian a try

but I fell and couldn’t standup…

Not only was Stephen Hawking a great physicist, he was also a great comedian.

Sadly, his stand-up wasn’t very good.

An American comedian and a Chinese comedian are having a conversation

American: "I've been writing some new jokes lately, they're really funny."

Chinese: "Me too."

American: "The amount I've written is worth around 2 hours of stage time."

Chinese: "The amount I've written is worth around 30 years of labor camp time."

Everyone laughed when I said I want to be a comedian.

Well no one is laughing now!

I used to date a comedian. Things were going great until they met my parents.

They made a bad impression.

The weirdest thing happened today when I visited an American prime time tv studio. There was a blocked off zone guarded by police with signs saying “no comedians allowed, untalented people only”.

I was surprised to see they’d Cordened off the area.

I simmered ten comedians in water for 6 hours.

and made a laughing stock.

What does a boxing comedian need?

A good punchline.

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What’s the difference between a lousy trashy stand up comedian and a father telling jokes about stationery?

One is bad at telling dick jokes.
The other is dad at telling Bic jokes.

I was shipping comedians across the countr but it took to long

They said it was bad timing but great delivery

Why do people with no arms make bad comedians?

Because they haven't got a funny bone in their body.

You wouldn't be able to be a comedian in space

Because there is no atmosphere

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If you have sex with a professional comedian...

Is that a funny-bone?

What to you get when you cross a boxer with a comedian?

A punchline

What do comedians eat for breakfast?

Pun-cakes.

What do chiropractors and comedians have in common?

They both crack people up.

Everyone knows comedian Bill Burr, most don't realize he has a huge family with lots of talent.

His mother, Barb, is a famous hair stylist.

Rob, his brother is in jail for theft.

His sister Cally is a great gunsmith.

Lastly, don't forget about his cousin the famous lumberjack, Tim.

Teacher asks students for their favourite stand up comedians

Students start naming their favourite comedians.

Then one kid says : Joe Biden.

Another kid follows with : Donald Trump.

Political debate starts. When the teacher finaly quiets down the class there is only the person who didn't say who their favourite is, is the quiet kid.
...

Many were present at the funeral today of the oldest and unfunniest comedian.

In tribute, the vicar read out one of his jokes, and the congregation had two minutes silence.

Great comedian

I'm such a great comedian! Whenever I enter a room, people start laughing and pointing at me.

Years ago I told my family and friends that I was going to become a successful comedian and they just laughed.

They're not laughing now!!

What's a comedians favorite wrestling move??¿?

The Knee Slapper

When I told everyone I was gonna become a professional stand up comedian, they all laughed…

Well, they’re not laughing now!

Two burglars tried to ransack a comedian's office, but they were caught while making their getaway.

Turns out they couldn't take a joke.

An old Jewish comedian dies and goes to heaven.

He tells God a holocaust joke. God doesn't laugh. Comedian says, "Guess you had to be there."

Comedian Sinbad shocked

...the entertainment world today as he announced his devotion to the church. This happened when he realized, sin bad.

As a blind comedian, I've been trying to understand my audience.

But who am I kidding?

What did the comedian say to the Chinese general who refused to laugh?

Why Tso serious?

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Comedian Jeff Dunham has been accused of sexual assault

After allegations from his coworkers saying that he's been fisting them for decades.

Just look up his Youtube channel if you want to see evidence of this abuse. Millions have just sat by and watched while these poor souls suffered through tremendous pain right in-front of them.

A comedian dies and goes to heaven.

When he meets God, God says “Oh I see you were a comedian, how about a joke for us?” The comedian, who mainly focused on dark humor, decided to tell one of his classic Holocaust jokes. God looks annoyed by the joke and says “That wasn’t funny.”

So the comedian responds, “Well I guess you had...

UK comedian Bobby Ball has sadly passed away

David Beckham has been invited to read the eulogy. The family wanted a dead ball specialist

A comedian takes her friend to a joke-tellers' convention...

The comedian shows her friend the sign-up list for performers, then they grab their seats. The first performer walks out onto the stage, and says:

"16!"

He gets a few chuckles.

"5679!"

The crowd starts to laugh

"227!"

The crowd is in uproar, practically dryi...

Comedians tell better jokes when they’ve taken drugs.

It’s always funnier when they crack themselves up.

Comedians have decided to take covid 19 more seriously

From now on they’ll only be telling inside jokes

Two cannibals are eating a comedian...

... one says to the other 'does this taste funny to you?'

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What's the difference between becoming a famous stand-up comedian by your own devices vs stealing your jokes?

One is luck n' fame, the other is fuckin' lame.

What do you call a comedian left in the cold?

Bill Brrrrr

Where can you find comedians on New Year's Eve?

Waiting for the punchline.

I work as a comedian in China, and the authorities are always vetting my material.

>!everythIng is Always Moderated wIthiN a Justified mAnner, precIse and Legitimate. !<

I’ve always wanted to be a comedian

... but nobody takes my jokes seriously.

My friend is a good-looking comedian.

I'd say that he's a pretty stand-up guy.

Every knows about comedian Bill Burr.

Many have not heard of his lumberjack brother Tim, he is one of the best in the world.

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This one is from a famous comedian in my country

Two medical students notice an old man in the sidewalk. The old man has a hand in his hat, another in his butt and is having trouble walking. One student says to the other:

\- You see that? That is a clear case of Polio.

\- Nah, that is definitely femoral dysplasia.

The students...

So a clumsy comedian walks into a music shop.

ba dum tss

Who is Greta Thunbergs favorite comedian.

Amy schumer because she recycles all her jokes!

A lot of comedians these days have a major issue with 'woke' people

Bill Cosby, for instance...

One day, daughter shack came to Mama and Papa shack and told them that she wanted to be a comedian.

“But you're not funny," said Mama shack.

Seeing his daughter's roofline sag in disappointment, Papa shack spoke up. "Maybe we could get you a coach?"

Daughter shack smiled with joy, and as she left, Papa shack arranged for a coach.

The coach came, a part time tiler who pr...

Great news! My son was born a few days ago!

I've been waiting for the dad jokes to kick in but I guess I still have to wait a bit.
In other news, the mail man on my street quit his job and became a comedian.

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What did the horny German comedian say to her boyfriend?

"Make laugh to me."

Comedians like Chris Farley and George Carlin were so good, they're a national treasure

Well, they used to be anyway


Now they're just buried treasure

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My friend, who`s a comedian, laughed his ass of during one of his shows

The doctor said, that he will never be able to sit again.

Luckily, he can continue performing Stand-Up comedy.

A stand-up comedian got in a car accident and his legs got amputated

He's just a comedian now.

Say what you want about carrot top, but fact of the matter is he’s out there making a living as a comedian

You gotta give him props for that

Where did the "T" in Bri'ish go?

they drank it all



im such a comedian

Being a pizza delivery person and a comedian is hard work.

You have the right stuff, but sometimes you get the delivery wrong.

BTW, they fired me from my pizza delivery job.

Thanks to a comedian friend's advise, today I finally mustered up the courage to have a conversation with my crush.

So happy, I think it went exactly as he had advised: ended on a hi.

How did the comedian die?

He had a sense of tumour.

If you make fun of a comedian

there's a high chance of you getting 'pun'ished.

A group of comedians walk into a bar and take their seats at a table.

One of the comedians says, “Five!” And they all burst out laughing.

Another shouts, “Eight!” And they continue cracking up.

“Nine!” “Twelve!” Twenty two!” Soon, all of the comedians are laughing so hard it draws the attention of the bartender.

“What’s this all about? Why are yo...

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All those people claiming Donald Trump is like Hitler need a reality check.

After all, its not like Donald Trump could write a book.

Edit: alot of people moaning in the comments "this is a stupid joke, Trump did actually write some books so this makes no sense!?".

Look at the sub you are in, some of these posts you'll see will just be jokes. If you are the sn...

I wanna become a musical comedian

Sadly, none of my jokes are noteworthy...

A comedian pretends to enter a marathon...

It's a running joke.

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I went to watch a standup comedian who kept making stereotypical Jew jokes towards me...

I was so upset I demanded a double refund

Why do computers love comedians?

Because they like processing their bits.

I ALWAYS wanted to be

a stand-up comedian, but I was worried that people would laugh at me.

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Damn Little Johnny

Little Johnny was sitting in class on a Thursday and the teacher made an announcement. She said that she was going to start asking one question every Thursday and if anyone got the correct answer school on Friday would be dismissed. So the first question was...How much does the earth weigh? Little v...

From my 6 year old: What does a cloud wear beneath its pants?

Thunderwear!


Edit: Thanks so much for the awards! I told my 6yo this morning how much love his joke got, and he’s absolutely walking on air!

You may have just helped create a comedian, you monsters.

Trump is reportedly upset that the Ukraine just elected a comedian as president.

Oh, Crimea river!

Politically correct people are great comedians

Even when they say something's not funny people keep laughing

Did you hear about the comedian who got a degree in agriculture?

He got a job on a funny farm.

Did you know God was originally a comedian.

He was the first to make light of a situation.

What's the most important skill that a US comedian must have?

Being able to make jokes on the fly.

Did you hear about the comedian who couldn’t stop eating?

Everything he did was in jest.

My younger brother took his life 3 years ago. Always a comedian, here’s his cheesiest joke

Farmesan the dairy farmer is feeling bleu because of a string of falls he's been suffering. He calls up his doctor, Dr. Edam JaColby, and tells him "Doc, I'm in so much paineer!"and schedules an appointment. So Farmesan carephilly stumbles over to the clinic. "You mozzarella needed to see me cause y...

Why was the husband so worried after his lovely wife gave birth?

The dad jokes hadn't kicked in and the mailman was suddenly a comedian.

A stand-up comedian was arrested after killing a man for laughing too loud during his set

He was charged with hahamicide

A comedian's fan offered him a joint

Not wanting to disappoint his fans, he accepted it. He almost finished the drive to his lodging when a police officer stopped his car.

The officer asked him, "Have you been drinking?" The comedian denied doing so.

The officer then asked, "Is that marijuana I smell?"

The comedi...

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A comedian wrote down some jokes about masturbation.

He thought they would come in handy.

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A comedian is in the dressing room of a comedy club when he sees this guy sitting in the corner...

He wonders why the guy is there but thinks nothing of it. Before the first comedian goes on stage, he approaches the guy in the corner and whips out his dick. The guy in the corner jerks him off real quick, then pulls up his pants and goes on stage.

One by one, each of the other comedians in ...

Why do late night comedians skew left wing?

Because the right wing viewers have to work in the morning.

It’s a little known fact that surgeons are actually really good comedians

They always leave their patients in stitches!

A stand-up comedian was walking on a street with a long line of people following him.

One passerby found it odd and asked the last person in the line.

"Hey why are you following him in a line?'

He replied: "Ohh, we are all in the punch line".

I have a muslim friend who's a really bad comedian

You could say that all of his jokes bombed

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Bob the ant wanted to be a stand-up comedian

He had a wild, bold, and crazy personality and sense of humor. He knew he would be hilarious if he just had the opportunity to get in front of a crowd.
 

So Bob the ant went around town auditioning for gigs. He let his crazy attitude go full force at the judges. They weren’t too impressed,...

Bill Cosby was a great comedian...

even his drinks tasted funny.

Why are eggs such good comedians?

They have the best yolks. (Jokes). I’m sorry

What's the worst part about being a paralyzed comedian?

You can't do stand up.

What did the home-quarantined stand-up comedian say after he got a laugh from his video chat audience?

"Thanks, I'll be here all week!"

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