Comedian Jokes

If I make just one joke, I'm not a comedian.

If I make just one dish, I'm not a chef.

Now when I kill ONE person

They’re just gonna laugh at me.

I still do, but I used to, too.

Uhh I don't know, I'll come up with the punch line later

The comedian gives the newcomer a slip of paper with a website url. “This is a forum for comedians where they trade jokes. It’s perfect to find the right joke for the right occasion.”

So just before his first gig at a tailors convention, he looks up “jokes for tailors” on the forum. He manage... read more

The bartender says, “what can I get for you, Mr Zelensky?”

Credit to u/DrDerpberg

Dead.

Nobody's laughing now.

makes it really hard being on stage while people laugh at me.

He turned the whole Russia into joke

The jokes weren’t that good, but I liked the execution.

Booze

I still do, but I used to, too.

A desperate comedian is pacing outside a pub, tearing his hair out with worry.

A homeless man, sat in a puddle, looks on and asks the man what's wrong?

The comedian tells him hes ran out of jokes, and he's due to go and perform in two minutes. If he uses other people's jokes he'll be... read more

My pronouns are 'he he'.

Their jokes are really cheesy.

Everyone was hysterical

A comedian has a successful day if his jokes kill, and he leaves everyone in stitches.

A surgeon can afford to move out of his parents' house.

(OC)

They all attacked a comedian

I had no idea he was a comedian.

Ones president is a comedian, and the other is a joke.

A brunette was talking to a comedian:

- Why do you always make jokes about blondes? We, brunettes, do a lot of stupid stuff too.

- Like what?

- Do you see the bridge there, over the desert? We, brunettes, built it.

- Right, and I'm still going to make a joke about blondes... read more

Luckily my older brother told me about it

Credit to comedian Milton Jones, original author of the joke

Ukraine's president is a comedian.

Russia's president is a clown.

Because the right wing viewers have to work in the morning.

Waiter, the coffee is cold! – If you want something warm, you should order a beer.

He leaves the patients in stiches

Most politicians act like heroes to get elected and comedians while in office.

He wasn’t afraid of bombing.

It's called FunnyBones

He/he/he

He wasn't as good as Smashing Pumpkins, but he made a splash.

He couldn't handle the boos.

You don't need to destroy their whole country.

Because they're HILL-AREAS!

That's peak comedy.

He even turned Vladimir Putin into a joke.

Oh, Crimea river!

even his drinks tasted funny.

His mother, Barb, is a famous hair stylist.

Rob, his brother is in jail for theft.

His sister Cally is a great gunsmith.

Lastly, don't forget about his cousin the famous lumberjack, Tim.

He kept forgetting his bit!

They can't do standup

The clap

Because their delivery takes two days.

Say what you Will, but that’s a bald move.

He's great but he doesn't do stand-up.

except when I'm alone.

They were downright disgraceful; the audience up and left.

Two. One to screw in the comedian, one to mess the joke up.

Amy schumer because she recycles all her jokes!

He also like quantum physics, so I suggested he make up some jokes. Here's the first two.

What so you call a particle who likes taking pictures?
A photongrapher

Why did the apple fall out of the tree?
It ran out of gluons.

If you have any Similar he'd love to hear them and... read more

They both take your money and only one makes you laugh.

Not wanting to disappoint his fans, he accepted it. He almost finished the drive to his lodging when a police officer stopped his car.

The officer asked him, "Have you been drinking?" The comedian denied doing so.

The officer then asked, "Is that marijuana I smell?"

The comedi... read more

Amirite.

"Me and girlfriend..... we’re not together anymore. She's got a new boyfriend now. They just moved in together. Actually, I’ve heard rumors that he's abusive, which kinda makes me want to go over there with a baseball bat...... and then blame it on her boyfriend."

"My girlfriend has the great... read more

They all try their best to crack you up!





(i posted this to a different joke sub a few hours ago... first time poster, hope i'm following community guidelines)

I can stand up, now all I need is comedy

One.

However, he does not find any success in the field. His jokes are poor and quite predictable. So, after a couple of weak performances, he quits comedy. Frustrated, he punches at a punching bag, and finds it weirdly satisfying. So, he decides to take up a career in professional boxing as a means to f... read more

What do you call an average comedian?
……
A median

When he meets God, God says “Oh I see you were a comedian, how about a joke for us?” The comedian, who mainly focused on dark humor, decided to tell one of his classic Holocaust jokes. God looks annoyed by the joke and says “That wasn’t funny.”

So the comedian responds, “Well I guess you had... read more

I've always done a stand-up job.

But who am I kidding?

----------?






*crickets*

He only has bad yolks

They have a lot of experience with bombing.

Tough crowd.

...the entertainment world today as he announced his devotion to the church. This happened when he realized, sin bad.

Pun-cakes.

His show had a rocky start.

Many have not heard of his lumberjack brother Tim, he is one of the best in the world.

Her parents are sad she doesn't want to carry on the family farm, but they encourage their daughter to follow her dreams. She's too shy to tell people her puns in person, so she figures out how to share them another way.

The girl takes a bunch of her father's old pasture fence posts and pound... read more

He tells God a holocaust joke. God doesn't laugh. Comedian says, "Guess you had to be there."

Why did the banana go to the hospital?


Because he wasn't peeling very well.

A good punchline.

He said, "You can't be serious."

I said, "I know."

The Bad ones Punch up the screwline.

but I fell and couldn’t standup…

He thought laughter was the best medicine.

Because she delivered the greatest joke ever.

He told some suite jokes

So theres this joke i heard when i was young, my mom showed me him on youtube, it was a very deadpan, dry comedian, almost like mitch hedberg, and i cant remember who it was, but the gist of the joke is, "two aliens landed in their spaceship and walked up to me, they were super short, and i asked, h... read more

The zombie said "you taste funny" and the comedian said "that's because you're eating my humerus.

Aren't all their jokes at the audience's expense?

Because he was a standup comedian.

He had a sense of tumour.

He was the first to make light of a situation.

I'd say that he's a pretty stand-up guy.

Sadly, none of my jokes are noteworthy...

Because they haven't got a funny bone in their body.

The Knee Slapper

Aloe-Ha!

They both crack people up.

Well, I got a job doing standup in a comedy club, and no one's laughing now.

and made a laughing stock.

"The real joker's in the commons!"

As a standup comedian, I am prohibited from telling any jokes involving chairs.

Because they like processing their bits.

Whenever I’m on stage people keep laughing at me

Because there is no atmosphere

It's a running joke.