UPJOKE
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A chicken and a horse go for a walk in the woods...

They walk a ways down a path when the horse falls into a deep puddle. The horse flails about and says, "little chick, little chick go get the farmer to bring his tractor and pull me out!" The little chick runs back down the path and tells the farmer he needs to bring his tractor to pull the horse ...

Where do blind people go for vacation?

Sea World…



I’ll see myself out.

Where did zombies go for a family meal?

Headquarters

Five friends were so confident about passing the finals that on the weekend, they decided to go for a picnic. They had a great time.

However, after all the partying, they spent all Sunday sleeping and didn't make it back to college until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the finals then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him, why they missed it.

They said that they had gone ...

To had to go for my first prostate exam today.

To had to go for my first prostate exam today. Doctor came in and said, "hello, I'm doctor Williams. Please drop your pants. Now Chris, don't get an erection."
I said " my name is not Chris"
He said," I know, Chris is my name".

Where do secretions go for vacation?

The Gland Canyon

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“If you don’t do it you might regret it” said the heart. “But you might get hurt” spoke the brain. “We think you should go for it” said the guts

“Just what the HELL was that?!?” protested the anus.

Imagine the greatest blues saxophonist and the best jazz guitarist go for dinner, who pays?

Neither. You don't have to pay at the soup kitchen.

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I was asked if I prefer breasts or thighs. I told 'em I always go for the personality.

The butcher was confused.

Where do tigers go for ice cream?

Carol Baskin Robbins

I ask my boyfriend where do you wanna go for the holidays. He said somewhere I’ve never been before

i said try the gym

Ladies....Fcuk Prince Charming. Go for the wolf.

He can see you better . Hear you better and Eat you better.

Where do astronaut keyboards go for a drink?

The space bar.

2 nuns go for a bicycle ride around the Vatican.

The first nun says "I've never come this way before." The second nun says "yeah, must be the cobblestones."

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise".

The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband. ...

Where do electronics go for fun?

The circuits

Three tortoises go for a picnic

Three tortoises, Rodney, Roger and Gary, decide to go on a picnic.
Rodney packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is that the picnic site is 10 miles away. So, it takes them 10 days to get there.
When they get there Rodney unpacks the food and beer.
"Ok Gary give me th...

A son, who had rejected his father's wish for him to follow in his footsteps as an ornithologist and left home as a young man, returns many years later. After dinner, the two go for a walk.

The son sees a large bird flying overhead. Out of a sincere desire to reconnect, he points it out, and says, "Father, is that a hawk?"

Understanding the gesture, the father does not want to correct his son by informing him that it is actually a vulture. Instead, he offers a hint.

"Ca...

Problem with pay equality is that men tend to go for higer paying jobs

...like doctors or directors. While females tend to settle with lesser paying ones like female doctors or female directors.

Where do flies go for a holiday?

Flywaii
(please don't down vote me too much, my 6 year old daughter made up this joke and wanted me to post it).

Where did the Indian go for breakfast?

The New Delhi

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A rabbi and a priest wanted to go for a swim at the beach, but did not have bathing suits with them...

The priest turns to the rabbi and says "why don't we just swim naked, there's no one around, and we'll keep it between ourselves".

The rabbi sees no problem with the idea, and agrees.

Once naked, the rabbi and the priest start walking towards the water, when suddenly out of nowhere see...

Where does a sheep go for a haircut?

The baa-baa shop.

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A young couple go for romantic walk along a country lane.

They walk hand in hand and as they stroll, the guy's lustful desire rises to a peak.

He is just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don't mind but I really
do need to pee."Slightly taken aback by this, he replies, “OK. Why don't you go behind this hedge."

She nods agreem...

Where does cantaloupe go for summer vacation?

John Cougar's Melon Camp.

Walter took Ethel to the state fair every year, and every time he would say to her, "Ethel, you know that I'd love to go for a ride in that helicopter."

But Ethel would always reply, "I know that Walter, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

Finally, they went to the fair, and Walter said to Ethel, "Ethel, you know I'm 87 years old now. If I don't ride that helicopter this year, I may never get another chance."...

After a night of drinking a man decides to go for a nightcap

After drinking he was pretty hammered but was close to home and decided he could go for one more round.

He walks into the bar and asks for a drink, but was obviously hammered and the bartender told him, "I'm sorry sir you appear drunk and I will not serve you."

So the man walks ...

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Bill Clinton likes to go for a walk every Saturday evening...

One evening, he passed by an alley, and a prostitute yelled at him,
"Fifty dollars will buy you a good time!"

He responded by saying "How's about 5 dollars?", jokingly, and kept walking.

This same thing kept happening every Saturday for a couple weeks; every time Bill passed the p...

Where do cats go for fun?

An a-mews-ment park

Where do bears go for winter holidays?

Hiber-Nation

3 Nuns go for a walk

The 3 Nuns walk past a large bush. From the bush, a naked man jumps out.

The first 2 Nuns do nothing, the third has a stroke.

Where did the pen go for holiday?

He went to pencil-vania

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One day, King Arthur had to leave Camelot to go for a diplomatic hunt. Worried about his wife's potential infidelity, he asks Merlin to fashion her a chastity belt...

Merlin assures the king that anything that is put through the hole in the chastity belt will be immediately cut off with magic.

Satisfied, King Arthur goes on his hunt. When he returns several days later, he immediately goes to the Knights of the Round Table and asks all of them to drop thei...

A Priest and a Rabbi go for a Walk in the Park

As both come by a beautiful lake, the rabbi says: “Let’s take a dip, the water looks refreshing!”

“But we have no trunks”

“Then let’s go in as god has created us.”

Said and done, they go in. After a while, they get out and walk back to their clothes. There, a small group of peop...

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Autocorrect is a nuisance. I texted my friend to see if he wanted to go for a wank down by the river.

I meant the canal

If you're ever getting a circumcision don't go for the cheap option

It's usually a rip off

I used to be shallow and only go for 8's and 9's

But then my friend told me they should at least be 18

An orthodox priest, a catholic priest and a rabbi go for a swim.

It was a hot day and the three desperately needed to cool off. They went to the lake just outside the village, made sure no one else was around, and decided to skinny dip.

While they were splashing around, a group of women returning from the fields stopped for a quick break and noticed the th...

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Two boys were playing in their room about to go for breakfast.

One 8, one 5.

The 8 year old looks at his brother and says, "You know what, I think it's about time we can curse. We should give it a try."

"Oh, I dont know about that, mom could get mad at us!"

"Thats silly, we're big boys now, we can do it."

"Ok, I can try."

"Jus...

Two guys go for a job interview

Joey and Frank are good friends who had worked together for over 5 years, but are now between jobs. They decide to go to a hiring agency together. Joey is called in to see the recruiter first, and after about 10 minutes in the room, he comes out elated. "I got the job!". Frank congratulates him and ...

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Two friends go for a hike...

Two friends, Dave and Darren, go on an adventure hike which would last for months. Two months in they get a bit tired of each other and decide to split up for four days and rendezvous at a mutually known bar in a nearby town.

Four days later they meet up and are back in the groove. Dave goes...

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A Grandpa and his Grandson go for ice cream.

The grandpa takes him to a special ice cream store and says:


"Here, this is a pussy flavored ice cream cone."


The grandson takes a couple licks.


"Grandpa, this tastes like shit."


"Son, you're taking too big a licks."

Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman go for a interview to join the Royal marines. As a test, the interviewer says to the Englishman "Here's a gun, your wife is in the next room, I want you to go in and shoot her."

The Englishman is obviously disgusted at the thought, so he gets up, gets his wife and leaves.

Next up is the Scotsman. He's told the same and he reacts the same, gets up, gets his wife and leaves.

Finally its the irishmans turn. He's offered the gun, to shoot his wife to prove he's ...

An employee who was being let go for poor performance asked his boss to help him out with a letter of recommendation

The boss didn't want to refuse, but he was too honest to lie. So he wrote: "You will be very fortunate to get John to work for you!"

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I don't get why good girls always go for assholes.

I don't even like pegging

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Lets go for a walk!

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners. The class was in full swing. The instructor taught the women how to breathe and explained to the men how to give the necessary help and assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy. The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exer...

A girl was at the store getting a sandwich and some chips and the guy at the checkout asked "do you want to go for a drink?"

To which she says "I'm flattered but I have a boyfriend"

And the guy replied "No. It's part of the meal deal"

The Polite Way to go for a Pee

During one of her daily classes, a teacher Miss Pinto trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said: 'Just a minut...

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I don't go for that shit

Back before the west had been settled a young man had seen the worst of humanity and decided that he wanted to live on his own. So, he packed up all his belongings and headed for the mountains of Colorado and lived as a trapper.

After a year of trapping he takes his pelts into town and goes ...

Three guys go for a job interview with Trump.

The first guy goes in and kicks ass, best job interview he’s ever done in his life.

End of the interview comes around, Trump says: “By the way, do you notice anything strange about me?”

“Yeah,” says the guy… “You really have small HANDS, man!”

“I’m sorry," says Trump, "but I’m v...

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Where do you go for sex if you can't get a girl or pay for prostition?

The Catholic Church is always available for baptism

What do you call a guy without legs or arms who decides to go for a swim?

Bob.

For the first time in my life, I can’t go for a holiday because of COVID-19

Previously, it was because I couldn’t afford it

Two men go for a run with their dogs.

They jog around the park for nearly an hour before one of the guys asks his friend if he wants to get a drink. The other guy says yes, so they jog to a small pub not far from the park. Unfortunately, there is a “no dogs” sign posted on the door.

“Don’t worry,” one of the guys says, “follow m...

Where do baby seals go for date night?

To the club

I used to think political jokes would go for the left.

I was Right.

A magical teddy bear decided to go for a walk

The bear decided to walk down the street and he stumbled across an alley where he heard some weird sounds. Being a teddy bear, it figured no one would care if it saw them as long as it acted natural. So it went to see what was happening.

The bear noticed an infamous criminal beating a man to...

Where is the best place to go for a walk during a pandemic?

A cemetery - every one is six feet under you.

Why did Thor not go for the head?

Because he was going for the Thor-Axe

I thought the wind settled down a bit so I could go for a walk. Then a crow flew past my window.

Backwards.

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After thirty years of marriage a husband and wife go for counseling.

When asked what the problem is, the wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.

On and on she goes: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable—an entire laundry list of unmet needs she has endured. <...

Why does everybody want to go for a ride with Mando?

Because he's got the *beskar* in the galaxy.

For the past 1 year, I announced to my coworkers i am going to go for a run after work and then i don’t.

This is the longest running joke i’ve had.

President Trump decides to go for joh

On the White House lawn, the groundskeeper tells Trump that he oughta try racing around the White House.
Groundskeeper: “Every President for decades has raced around the White House. Your predecessor Barack Obama ran the entire race in 10 minutes.”
Trump: “That’s nothing! I can beat that! Beli...

Not sure where I’ll go for Easter this year. Somewhere different...

maybe the laundry.

Where does a rabbit go for a trim?

To the hare dresser.

My wife said I am going to cycle 10 miles every day to get my body back in shape, I said good girl go for it, I have noticed a massive difference after just 4 weeks.

She is 280 miles away.

Daddy, am I allowed to go for a Bungee-Jump?

No way son! Your life began with a broken rubber. It shall not end the same way.

Where do people in Egypt go for physical therapy?

To the Cairo-practor

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You've gotta go for it!

A man walks down the street and sees a rope dangling down with a note: Climb the rope to success!

He shrugs, climbs the rope and reaches a platform. On it is a beautiful naked woman who tells him: "You can choose to stay here with me, or continue climbing the rope to success".

After s...

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Why don't blind people go for bungee jumping?

it scares the shit out of the dogs.

Where do skeletons go for a night out?

Anywhere as long as it’s a hip joint

I really didn’t want to go for a run today.

But then the cops showed up from nowhere.

My friend told he's been diagnosed with HIV, and has to go for a retest to confirm the results.

I told him to stay positive.

A man stepped out of his house to go for his afternoon walk when he noticed his neighbor had two black eyes...

"Whatn' hell happened to you Frank?"

"Well, I was in church last Sunday and I noticed a lady in front of me had her dress stuck up in her buns so being the gentleman I am I reached down and pulled the dress free and she turned around and hit me between the eyes"he replied.

The neighbor...

I went bed shopping the other day but I couldn't decide which one to go for....

So I thought I had better sleep on it

The is a strip club opposite a indoor golf club personally this is disgusting what if you go for a nice family night out and look out the window

And see a bunch of losers playing indoor golf

God couldn't decide where to go for a holiday

The angels suggested the the planet Venus.
"Too hot," said god.

Then they suggested Pluto?
"Too cold," said god.

What about planet Earth they wondered.
"Hell no," said god. I was down there about 2,000 years ago. Slept with some woman named Mary - and they're still talking a...

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A man and his wife go for an evening walk around the neighborhood

As they walk, they stop in front of a tree and the man says, "Look at this tree. Remember when we planted it?"

"Of course I remember", the wife answers. "So many beautiful memories we have together."

"Indeed", says the man. "What great day that was!"

They keep walking and see an...

Two Indians go for a job interview.

First one enters the room for the interview. After introductions, goes on to ask further questions.

Interviewer: Who was the first president of India?

Interviewee 1: Dr. Rajendra Prasad.

Interviewer: Who was the first female Prime minister of India?

Interviewee 1: Indira ...

Why did the farmer say "I can't go for that."?

Because he was haulin oats.

Where do Europeans go for slurpies?

11/7

Stalking is when two people go for a long romantic walk together....

...but only one of them knows about it.

Someone I know gave a really deep speech to convince me to go for a colonoscopy

What else can I say?
Something touched me deep inside.

I’ve been asked if I want to go for a weekend away to a Central European country by a guy at work.

Hungary?

No, Dave the cleaner. Gary is married.

My wife was in jail, so I decided to go for the conjugal visit, which caused her parents to start freaking out...

Best game of Monopoly ever!

Where do Irish people go for breakfast?

Drunkin Donuts

I only go for women that smoke.

Because I know they’re prepared to make bad decisions.

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An old man decides one day to go for a jog.

An old man decides one day to go for a jog. While jogging through the park he notices a couple of tennis balls sitting on the grass. As he approaches the tennis balls he notices no one was around so he says to himself 'Sweet, a couple of free tennis balls', so he picks them both up and puts one in e...

3 Elderly Gentlemen Go for a Walk on the Beach...

The first remarks, "It's windy today!"

"No!", replies the second, "It's Thursday!"

"Me too!", shouts the third over the sound of howling wind, "Let's go for a drink!"

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Bill Clinton, George W. Bush and Donald Trump go for a walk in the woods...

...And they get completely lost. They are now wondering through the forest for hours, weather is starting to get worse, night is coming, its getting cold, its not looking good. Sad. When suddenly they spot a light coming from the nearby mountain, so they head on towards it.

When they get ther...

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A fat man and his therapist go for a walk

They stop by Mcdonald's, and they both order large meals.


The therapist asks the fat man,


"So how do you feel?"



"I dont know doc, I still feel empty inside."

Where did all the Cyber security consultants go for the last few days?

They ransomware.

Where does a four hundred pound alien go for exercise?

Planet Fitness

Where do Jewish kids with ADHD go for summer?

Concentration camp.

Where did the Egyptian go for back pain?

The Cairopractor

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Two married ladies go for a girly holiday to the Carribbean

They meet a handsome muscular black man on the first day.

They have a wild week of threesomes and parties, and on the last day the ladies say we never asked you your name.
He replies "my name is snow"
The ladies immediately burst out laughing.
The man looking rather upset asks why t...

A rabbi and a priest go for a walk

A rabbi and a priest go for a walk on a hot summer day. They come by a river and the rabbi suggests to take a bath. The priest is hesitant as he doesn't have any swimwear with him, however the rabbi convinces him to jump in just like God made him.
Both swim for a while and once refreshed, they la...

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Mavis and Marjorie go for their first ever holiday in Scotland

While walking down a country lane they come across a Scotsman asleep under a tree and wearing full traditional clothes.
Mavis turns to Marjorie and says, "I wonder if it's true what they say about what a Scotsman wears under his kilt?".
Marjorie says, "let's find out!".
They tiptoe up to th...

Every time I go for a Jog I get hit by the same bike

It's a vicious cycle

Where do geologists go for entertainment?

*Rock concerts.*

Where do dinosaurs like to go for fun?

The Rex center.

Police have been playing Pokemon Go for many years.

"Gotta catch Jamal"

A man and his son go for a walk through the woods and get separated.

After frantically searching for his son, the man finally finds him standing over a dead animal and poking it with a stick.

“Dad, what’s this?” The boy asks

“Carrion, my wayward son.”

Where do marsupials go for vacation?

KOALA Lumpur.

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Where did the chronic masturbator go for treatment?

The stroke center

Bill and Bob go for a drink.

Bob and Bill go out for a drink after work as they usually do. Midway through their drinks Bob turns to Bill and goes “Bill, I’ve been married for 10 years and I love my wife to death, but I am thinking of leaving her.” Bill replies “Bob, why would you want to throw away ten years of marriage, what’...

I asked my wife where she wanted to go for dinner.

She said, "Somewhere that has fish."

So I pushed her in the river.

Why didn't Thor go for the head in infinity war

Because he Loki didn't want to win

"Sometimes you just need to go for a drive to clear your head"

-John F. Kennedy

A dog needed to go for a walk

A 12 year old wanted to take their dog out for a walk. The only problem is that the dog was on heat.

The kid asked her mother if she could take the dog out, the mother replied to say she wasn’t sure but to ask her father if he had any ideas.

The child then asked her dad who said its ...

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