UPJOKE
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Happened Jokes

What happened to the Twitter employee, that told Elon Musk not to rename the company?

He became an X employee!

What happened when the semicolon broke grammar laws?

It was given two consecutive sentences.

What did Lochte say after his teammates told the police what really happened?

"...and I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you medaling kids!"

If Queen Elizabeth accidentally farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened.

Noble gases should have no reaction.

A very badly beaten up man came to hospital. Doctor asked what the hell had happened to him.

Man: I was banging my neighbor over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said:" It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!".

Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that every day.

One day when Jesus was relaxing in Heaven, He happened to notice a familiar-looking old man.

Wondering if the old man was His father Joseph, Jesus asked him, "Did you, by any chance, ever have a son?"

"Yes," said the old man, "but he wasn't my biological son. He was born by a miracle, by the intervention of a magical being from the heavens."

"Very interesting," said Jesus. "Di...

At the end of the physics lecture, I asked the professor, “What happened before The Big Bang?”

He said, “Sorry. There’s no time.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was walking along a street, and happened to notice a sex shop.

'We have something for everyone!', the sign read.

His curiosity piqued, he walked in. The shopkeeper greeted the man, and offered a variety of toys. The man said, 'I am married, but you know, we don't really do it frequently'.

The shopkeeper said, 'I have just the thing for you.'
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This actually happened to me...

A homeless guy once came up to me while I was in downtown Knoxville. He held his hand up, which had obviously been in a horrible accident a long time ago and was missing a thumb and a pinky. He asked, "Why can't you masturbate with this hand?". Not wanting to offend, I said "I'm not sure, why?". ...

Use any units you'd like (actually happened in a class of mine)

Professor: Anyone want to guess the Earth's magnetic field strength? Use any units you'd like.

Student: *raises hand*

Professor: Yes?

Student: 1 Earth

You hear what happened when the triangle tried to make all its angles 90 degree?

Didn't end well, I hear it's a wrecked angle now.

What happened?

A passerby saw a man laid flat on the sidewalk in front of the local beauty shop and ran to offer assistance. As the man came blinking into consciousness, the passerby asked, “What happened?”

The man rubbed the back of his head and said, “I don’t know! Last thing I remember, my wife was comin...

What happened to king Henry the VIII’s wife’s head?

(removed)

You'll never guess what happened to my foreskin when I went to a Jewish festival the other day?

[/removed]

What happened in Hong Kong this week?

According to Beijing, it's as calm as a June Summer's day in Tiananmen Square.

What happened when Tinker Bell couldn't find a bathroom? [Original]

She Peter Pans

Scientists have finally figured out what happened to all the water that used be Mars

Turns out, the planet was once occupied by Nestle

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Actually happened: I saw a girl at a party who was distraught and crying because she had accidentally swallowed a tongue piercing.

Her boyfriend put his arm around her and said, “This, too, shall PASS.”

If she doesn’t marry him, I will.

It happened once...

A little boy once came home with a 10 dollar bill and he said "I found it".

His mother asked "Luke, did you really find it? Are you sure?"

He said "Sure mamma, I even saw the man looking for it"

\- Sadhguru

The craziest thing happened at a bar tonight. A woman got her nipple pierced right in front of me!

On an unrelated note, I suck at darts.

What happened to Kamala Harris' campaign?

She had the black vote all locked up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

True Story: This genuinely happened last night. I work as a Doorman/Bouncer. I own a pair of electrically heated socks. A customer came out for a cigarette as I was plugging the battery packs in and switching them on...

Lady: "What are you doing?"
Me: "I'm just turning my socks on."
Lady: "Ooooo, that's *very* considerate of you!"
Me: "What d'you mean?"
Lady: "Well, most guys I know wouldn't bother with that... they'd just cum in them!"

People of China, do you want to hear what happened on Tiananmen square in 1989?

No tanks.

What happened when the escalator broke down?

Everyone stopped and staired! 🥁

On her death bed, the Sheriff's wife confesses that she cheated on him three times, but swears it was always for a good reason. He asks what happened,

and she says, "Well, the first time, remember when Dr. Smith said he we couldn't afford the operation, and then he changed his mind and did it for free?" He says yes, and forgives her. "And the second time, do you remember when our boy got a DUI, and the judge let him off with probation?" He says ye...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did anybody hear what happened to that guy on the highway?

He pulled up to a gas station to fill up his tank, i guess they were doing maintenance on the pumps and didnt put one back together right, so while he was pumping, the hose popped off the nozzle and started spraying gas all up his arm.

So he went in PISSED. He was cussing, and yelling, eventu...

What happened when the orange slept with the dirty lemon?

He got lemonaids.

What happened with the wooden car with wooden wheels, wooden seats, and a wooden engine?

It wooden go.

What happened to the short sighted circumciser?

He got the sack.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What happened to the Navy soldier who got caught masturbating?

He was dishonourably discharged for discharging dishonourably.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

America won't participate if a 3rd world war happened....

.. it's a first world country.

What happened after God legalized weed?

Prophets were at an all-time high

What happened to Theon Greyjoy's manhood?

[removed]

What happened to the handy man when he lost his hands?

He became an army man.

Did you hear what happened to Jimmy?

Did you hear what happened to Jimmy?
He lost a hundred pounds!

American: That’s great news!
Englishman: That’s awful news!

The French Revolution was pretty rough. Did you hear about what happened to Louis XVI's head?

[Removed]

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.

Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the $100.
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton.
The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little...

What happened to the plant in the Mathematics Faculty?

It grew square roots.

Did you hear what happened to the guy whose left arm and left leg got chopped off?

---

What happened after Trump cried when he lost the tennis game?

He was indicted for racket-tear-ing!

What happened when a hurricane hit Alabama?

It caused 10 million dollars worth of improvements.

This actually just happened...

*Wife: I wanna get into coding.

*Me: Oh, that sounds fun. You might even earn some
money on the side while you're at home. What language
did you wana code in ?

*Wife: English. Duh!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This actually happened, and I’m sorry if the joke exists, i dont kno about it and I’m proud.

So I was at a bar, for a long long time. And I went to the bathroom to the urinal, and went about my business.

A drunk as hell guy comes in and goes to the urinal next to me to unleash, and says

“Why you holding on to your dick, is it so small you can’t aim?”

And I INS...

What happened to the cow that refused to become steaks?

She was grounded.

Do you know what happened to the UPS driver who had an abortion?

She didn’t deliver.

Something scary happened. A family on my street all died of mysterious head injuries.

And I live a stone's throw from their house.

What happened to the man who beat his wife with a musical instrument?

He was charged with domestic violins.

I was in the middle of ironing when something terrible happened.

It was a pressing emergency.

What happened to the fraction when it was convicted?

It was drawn and quartered.

I wish I could find out what happened to my neighbor who couldn't pay his mortgage.

You know, for closure.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What happened when Napoleon went to Mount Olive?

Popeye got pissed.

What happened when Cinderella reached the ball

She gagged

(Wasn’t my joke, just heard online)

What happened to the frog who illegally parked?

He got toad.

What happened to the pirate who started wearing glasses?

People started calling him "Three Eyes."

I know what happened to that crazy frog!

Fame went to it's head. It went so crazy It had to be Kermitted.

A Texas farmer was touring England. He happened to meet an English farmer and asked him, "What size farm do you have?"

The Englishman proudly announced, "Thirty-five acres!"

"Thirty-five acres?" the Texan scoffed. "Why, I can get in my truck at 8:00 AM and start driving and at noon, I am still on my farm. I can eat lunch and start driving again and at 5:00 PM I am still on my farm.

"Ah, yes," the Engli...

What happened when the world’s tongue-twister champion got arrested?

They gave him a tough sentence!

I'd like to explain what happened before the Big Bang.

Unfortunately, there's no time.

What happened to the cannibal who had difficulties eating brains?

The others gave him a hand.

What happened after the wheel was invented

a revolution

Darling, what happened to the parrot?

– Darling, what happened to the parrot?
– I dunno, Mommy, but I heard the cat talking.

Not a joke but a real incident that happened to an indian acquaintance of mine when he moved to Australia for higher studies..

So he comes out of the airport and gets into the cab.

The Aussie cab driver asked where he is from ?

He replied 'India '.

The cab driver asked ' So did you come to die?'

He froze as it was the times when there were racial attacks by white Aussies on people of indian des...

What happened when the missionary met the cannibal?

He gave him his first taste of religion.

In 1978, the Jonestown massacre happened where 909 ppl lost their lives. You never hear too many jokes about it…

because the punchline is too long.

What happened when the butcher backed into his meat grinder?

He got behind in his work.

Actually happened to me.

Sitting in class Monday going over American Sign Language the instructor is explaining the hand position to a fellow student who is blind(er than I am), my hands starts cramping, as I shake it out I can’t stop laughing.

Professor “What is so funny?”

Mr “Do deaf people with arthritis ha...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What happened to the angry fly on the toilet seat?

He got pissed off.

Did you hear what happened to Jimmy? Tertible! His wife divorced him and left him without a single penny!

\- Well, I have it far worse. Not only is my wife ileaving me without a single penny, she also has absolutely no intention to divorce me.

What happened when the old tractors wheel fell off?

They decided to retire it.

Did you hear what happened to the top pole-valter in North Korea?

He became the top pole-valter in South Korea.

What happened when five fat French men got in the lifeboat?

Cinq.

What happened to the man who didn’t have a towel after his shower?

He dried of natural causes.

What happened to the writer who could only write with consonants

He was disemvoweled

The craziest thing happened today..

I went to get a prostate exam. I took off my pants and asked the doctor where I should put them.

He said, “next to mine.”

What happened after Lance Armstrong was caught doping?

He took his ball and went home.

What happened to the overconfident lion-tamer?

He was consumed by his own pride.

What happened to the emo

A depressed emo high off shrooms was walking in the forest when he came across a tree with arms. He tried to give him a high-five but the tree left him hanging.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What happened to the horny square?

He had an E- rectangle.

What happened when Pope John Paul II got shot?

He became ‘His Holeyness’
(No offence to Catholics/Pope/God)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Can you believe what happened in DC?

Never seen so much press for a micropenis convention, at least none I’ve been to.

I asked my proctologist:. What happened to all the patients who had their colonoscopys delayed due to covid.....

He said, "oh we got caught up. Everyone got it in the end".

Whenever I'm asked "What happened in 1492?", people are always surprised by my answer.

Nobody expects "The Spanish Inquisition".

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