UPJOKE

What Happens Jokes

Paratrooper: What happens if my parachute doesn't open?

Sergeant: Bring it back and we'll give you a new one.

What happens when you finger a gypsy on her period?

You get your palm red.

What happens when you put a lot of LGBT people in a long line?

You get a LGBTQ.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What happens when Donald Trump takes Viagra?

He grows taller.

What happens if you you cross an angry cow with an angry sheep?

You get two animals that are in a *baaaad moooood.*

What happens when you don't get any upvotes on your cake day....

You feel desserted.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What happens after you eat jackfruit?

Jack shit.

What happens when you take a joke too far?

The 45th President of the United States of America.

What happens if a Danish blonde moves to Sweden?

The average intelligence of both countries goes up.

What happens when you mess up at ninja church?

The nun chucks you out

What happens when you eat aluminum foil?

You sheet metal

I've never been to a gynecologist's office, but I have some ideas about what happens there ...

It's all just speculation of course.

What happens if you boil your funny bone?

You make a laughing stock of yourself :)

I asked my parachute instructor what happens if it doesn't open.

He said you're jumping to a conclusion.

What happens when you hit someone at a high frequency

It hertz

What happens when a clown retires?

I don't know, but it's safe to say whoever's gonna replace him has big shoes to fill.

What happens if a frog parks illegally?

It gets toad.

What happens when a pizzaman does an AMA on Reddit?

OP delivers.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What happens in Vegas

A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, 'How much do you charge?' Hooker replies, 'It starts at $500 for a hand-job.'

Guy says, '$500 dollars?! For a hand-job? No hand-job is wort...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What happens when you slap Dwayne Johnson’s butt?

You hit Rock Bottom

Give a man a fish he eats for a day. What happens if you teach a man to duck?

He avoids walking into a bar.

What happens if you don't pay your exorcist?

You get repossessed.

What happens if you commit a crime in Australia?

Oh please, they're a modern country. You go to jail unless you are a politician.

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I've had enough of Christmas. All year long I work my fingers to the bone to buy all the presents that my kids ask for and what happens Christmas morning? That fat fucker with the beard gets all the credit for it!

Still I suppose it was my fault for marrying her.

What happens when fruit dies?

It pear-ishes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What happens when the thermometer breaks during your rectal examination?

Mercury is in Uranus

What happens when two insomniacs sleep together?

They sleep less

What happens to people who make bad jokes?

They get pun-ished.

What happens when you mix human DNA with goat DNA?

You get kicked out of the petting zoo.

What happens if you violate the ban on wordplay?

Pun-ishment.

What happens when southern people can't talk anymore?

They go through withdrawl

What Happens If 3 Logicians Go to a Bar?

Three semanticians walk into a bar. The bartender asks: "Do you all want a drink?". The first semantician says: " I don't know". The second semantician says: " I don't know". The third semantician says: "Yes!" And the bartender gave everyone drinks.

What happens if you drive a Subaru in reverse?

U R A Bus!

What happens to you if you smoke weed in Afghanistan?

You get stoned

What happens when there’s an earthquake in the Horn of Africa?

Shake Djibouti!

What happens if you cross Queen Elizabeth II and Prince Phillip?

You die in a car accident in Paris.

What happens when fog disperses in California?

UCLA

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What happens when an outhouse becomes a regular house?

Nobody gives a shit.

What happens to you when you consume an "edible"?

You turn into a Weed Eater.

What happens when a frog’s car dies?

He needs a jump. If that doesn’t work he has to get it toad...

What happens at a cannibal wedding?

They toast the bride and groom.

What happens to rainbows that break the law?

They go through the prism system

What happens when a pig eats an edible?

It becomes a pot bellied pig.

Do you know what happens when your designer jeans get tangled in the dryer?

Guess knot

Courtesy of my 7 year old - What happens if you don't eat a balanced diet?

You will tip over

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you know what happens when you put your penis in the vacuum cleaner?

The Walmart security guard throws you out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

what happens when an astronaut masturbates in space?

They defile gravity

What happens if Usain Bolt misses his bus?

He waits for it at the next stop.

What happens when two Ents meet an Ent-wife?

A tree-way

What happens when vajazzeling goes wrong?

You end up with gemorrhoids

I asked my coworker what happens when we die?

"They hire someone else," my coworker replied.

What happens when you play a country song in reverse?

The singer gets his dog, home and wife back.

what happens when the newspaper editor meets the cannibal chief?

He becomes editor-in-chief.

What happens if you castrate a corn cob?

It becomes a Eunuch-Corn

What happens when you grill the chicken for 2 hours?

It will tell us why it crossed the road.

I've got a joke about what happens if you shoot an archduke...

...but it's a bit over the top lads.

What happens if you take cat hormones?

You get fur balls

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(Joke I heard today) What happens when you give a Lawyer Viagra?

They get taller.

What happens when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?

A-flat minor

What happens when you find a bomb at your local bazaar?

It becomes a flee market.

What happens if you drop a nuclear weapon on a dyslexic person?

It's unclear.

what happens when an amputee tries to hit you?

no 'arm done

What happens when you cross a chicken with a turbocharger?

Fast food.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What happens if you multiply faeces by the complex conjugate of faeces?

Shit gets real.

What happens when the Queen is done visiting the toilet?

A Royal Flush.

What happens when you let dinosaurs drive?

You get tyrannosaurus wrecks.

What happens when you fart quietly?

da-bum-tss






(sorry)

What happens when a computer engineer fails flirting with a waitress?

Error in connecting to the server

What happens when a magician gets mad?

He pulls his hare out!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What happens when a necrophile enters a cemetery?

It becomes a sementery

I'm so sorry

What happens when you kiss a bird?

You get chirpies

It's a canarial disease

There's no tweetment

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You know what happens when you assume, right?

U get in between me ass.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What happens when a butterfly loses its wing?

You have to tape it back on.

A little girl (probably about 5 or so) told me this joke while I was working tonight. Caught me off guard, didn't know what I was expecting her to say, but it wasn't that.

What happens when a witch breaks the sound barrier?

You hear a sonic broom.

What happens to illiterate witches in school?

They get expelled!

What happens to printers that perform miracles?

They get Canonized.

what happens to people who dies in a bomb blast

They rest in pieces

What happens when a lamppost breaks?

Sorry, repost

What happens to lawyers after they die?

They lie still.

What happens when you put a zebra in a lion cage?

You get fired from the zoo

What happens when the CIA goes to sleep?

They go undercover.

What happens when you buy Nacho Cheese?

It becomes Cho Cheese

You know what happens to those who ignore the past?

They usually fail their history exam.

What happens when you cross Santa Claus with five shots of tequila?

Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer.

What happens when an escalator stops moving?

Everyone stops and stairs.

What happens when a soldier gets high?

He's fighting a war on drugs.

What happens when you eat too much Middle Eastern food?

You feelafel

What happens when 50 Cent eats his food?

58.

Fifty ate.


Okay I’ll just see myself out.. sorry.

I've just found out what happens when you pull on the red cord in the disabled toilet.

It makes someone smash the door in and call you a "time-wasting prick."

What happens if John Wick is recast?

Keanu Leaves

What happens if you inject a particular kind of sea creature with steroids?

You’ve made yourself a very powerful anemone

What happens when a fork and a spoon get into a fight?

Civilwar!

What happens when a psychic Little Person escapes from prison?

We've got a small medium at large.

What happens to Russian hackers when they get caught?

They get sent to Cyberia.

What happens when you visit the mausoleum?

Remains to be seen

What happens if you put the Energizer bunny's batteries backwards?

He keeps on coming, and coming, and coming...

What happens when you claim an island by peeing on it?

Urination

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