This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man entering the elevator bumps into a womens boob..

He says... “Madam, if your heart is as soft as your boob, I’m sure you’ll forgive me...”
She replied...” If you knob is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 102!”

Moses was walking down the street when he bumped into George W. Bush.

Moses was walking down the street when he bumped into George W. Bush. “Hello,” Bush said. “Nice weather we’re having, huh?” Moses took one look at the President, turned, and ran in the other direction.

The next day Moses was walking down the same street and there was Bush. Again he tried to i...

I was on my way to the opticians today and guess who I bumped into.....

Everybody.

What’s the difference between a pedestrian and a speed bump?

You slow down for speed bumps

A cowboy walks into a bar and accidentally bumps shoulders with someone while walking up to the bartender

The cowboy says politely, “Scuse me, sir.”
The person looks over at the cowboy uncomfortably and responds, “Uh, actually I’m non-binary.” The cowboy tips his hat respectfully and says, “Oh, pardon me M’theydy.”

I've always had an irrational fear of speed bumps.

But I'm slowly getting over it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men bumped into each other on the street

The first man says "Hey man, its 2020, you gotta keep your fucking distance"

The second man replies "What are you gonna do about it, huh?

The two men get ready to fight. The first man takes out his hand sanitizer and sanitizes his hands. The second man does the same.

The first m...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes right into her bosom.

"Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your bosom, i know you'll forgive me. "
She turned to him and said " And if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 211"

I bumped into an old school friend the other day.

He seemed to be doing very well for himself, fancy clothes, new car. You could tell he was now very successful and wealthy.
I asked him how he had been doing and he said “great, I’ve got loads of money, fancy cars and a big house.”
I asked him how he came to be so rich and he replied “I’ve bee...

Two security guards bumped into each-other while running through the hallway.

It was the collision of the sentry.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

"We're taking United” was the reply. "We got a great rate!”

“United?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old,...

I bumped into an old school friend today. He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car.

Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?".

I said "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend."

He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?", I said "No, she's an optician."

What did the drunken hobbit say when he bumped into the wizard?

"Saruman, I didn't see you there"

Went to the optometrist office today and bumped into an old friend!

I also bumped into the optometrist, the receptionist and I knocked over their sunglasses display.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two tampons bump in to each other in the street. Which one says hello first?

Neither. They’re both stuck up cunts

What did Roger Stone say when he bumped into Donald Trump?

Pardon me.

Just noticed two large bumps on my car battery...

Had them tested and one came back positive. I hope it's not terminal.

Guess who I bumped into on my way to the eye doctor!

>!Everybody!<

Edit 1: Wow, this blew up. is this where you post your soundcloud?

Edit 2: My inbox is ruined, I should start charging reddit coins for formatting questions.

The CDC is recommending people bump elbows instead of shaking hands. This is ridiculous advice.

Everyone knows that's how you spread elbowla.

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, “My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to the market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road. The basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke.” The moral of the...

What did the tectonic plate say when it bumped into another tectonic plate?

Whoops, my fault.

Why do nipples have bumps?

So blind people can enjoy them too.

I bumped into my old teacher and was sad when she didn't recognize me

I was home schooled.

A man is walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears:

Bump…

Bump…

Bump…

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

Bump…

Bump…

BUMP…

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home. The casket st...

A fish bumped into a dam.

It was a Walleye.

A woman is walking down the street when she bumps into an old friend she hasn't seen in a long time. They sit down on a bench and catch up on their lives.

Friend: So do you have any kids?

Woman: Yes, I have 5 boys.

Friend: Nice! What are their names?

Woman: Steve.

Friend: You mean... All of them are named Steve?

Woman: Exactly, it's so much easier that way! It's hard enough to supervise 5 boys playing together, it's ...

A Irish man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher Baptizing people in the river.

He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher...

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk,

'Are you ready to find Jesus?'

The drunk shouts, 'Yes, I am.'

So the preacher grabs hi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A drunk stumbles into an upscale bar on a slow night.

A drunk stumbles into an upscale bar on a slow night. He asks the bartender for a drink and says, “I can’t pay you, but I’ll play you a song on that piano.” The bartender says what the hell and gives the man a shot of cheap whiskey. To his surprise, the drunk sits down at the piano and plays one of ...

I went to a clinic to get my eye checked... You won’t guess who I bumped into.

Nevermind it wasn’t a clinic. :/

A blind snake and a blind rabbit bump into each other...

The snake feels the rabbit and says "You are soft,small, and have a bushy tail, you must be a rabbit.", the the rabbit feel the snake and says "You're slimy, have beady eyes, slither in the ground, and have a forked tongue, you must be a politician!".

A traveler was walking along the side of the road in Arizona, hitchhiking on a dark night in the middle of a thunderstorm;

Time passed slowly and no vehicles went by. It was raining so hard he could barely see his hand in front of his face.


Suddenly he saw a car approaching, moving slowly and appearing ghost-like in the rain. It slowly and silently crept toward him and stopped.


Wanting a ride v...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Moe’s Saloon in the Old West was seeing a lot of customers lately...

It was getting busier and busier by the day, so much so that there was barely a seat left in the whole joint. The hotshots were playing poker, the 49-ers were drinking and cat-calling the dames. The piano was playing, the whiskey was flowing, everyone was having the time of their lives. Suddenly, th...

My wife got hurt bumping into the sofa...

I called her an **ouch potato**.

A monocle walks into a bar.

After a few drinks he starts to feel pretty good (and a little uncoordinated). He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender stops him. "Sorry, buddy, but due to city ordinances we don't allow smoking in here. You'll have to step outside to smoke."

So the monocle hops off the bar stool and gr...

A cute stranger said I was "fine" today

It started when I accidentally bumped into her and when I apologized, she said "you're fine."

An old man and a young man bump into each other at the grocery store

They each say excuse me and the young man says "I'm sorry I bumped into you, it's just that I'm looking for my wife. I lost her somewhere in another asile."

The old man says I am also looking for my wife. Let's help each other. Tell me what does your wife look like?

The young man repli...

During a funeral, the pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall while carrying the coffin and when they do so they hear a faint moan...

So they open the casket only to find that the woman inside is actually alive.

She lives for 10 more years after this and then eventually dies and so there's another funeral for her.

At the end of the service, as the pallbearers carry out the casket, the husband cries out, "Watch out fo...

I accidentally bumped into

A cross eyed man in the street today. He told me to watch where I’m going. I told him to go where he’s watching.

Today I bumped into the man who sold me an antique globe.

It’s a small world.

You know that horrible feeling that you're about to bump into your ex?

I hate digging in the garden

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You ever hit a speed bump, look back and say...

Well shit that speed bump just barked

I was sending letters to a kid with cancer

I told him, "the road ahead will be filled with bumps and dips, but soon, it'll straighten out." no one noticed I was talking about his heart rate monitor.

Bumped into my ex today...

Well, the police say it's vehicular manslaughter. So, yeah whatever.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman is standing on the edge of the Verrazzano bridge ready to jump

As she's working up the courage to take the last step off, a sailor walks by and sees her. He says, "Ma'am, I can't pretend to know what you're going through but I promise it isn't worth this. Tomorrow my ship leaves for Rome. Why don't I sneak you on and when we get there we can run off and start a...

A Canadian accidentally bumped into a hard of hearing person.

Legend has it that they're still saying sorry to each other.

A high school senior was preparing for his prom...

He knew that the first thing he needed was a tuxedo. So he went to get a rental.

But his town was very small, and there was only one tux rental place nearby. Therefore, when he arrived he had to wait for three of his classmates to pick out their rentals before he could get his. He waited in ...

The other day, I saw a rose making fun of a tulip that had a bump on it's stem, so I stepped on the rose. I'm just doing my part...

...to stop cyst stemic racism.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A notorious womanizer left a trail of broken hearts behind him, until he betrayed the wrong woman - a practicing witch.

The morning after she caught him with another girl, he awoke with an itchy bump in the middle of his forehead. He thought it was a pimple, but it continued to grow to ridiculous proportions throughout the day. In a panic, he sought the advice of a physician, who examined the man and ran tests on the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If World War One were a bar fight.

Germany, Austria and Italy are standing together in the middle of a pub when Serbia bumps into Austria and spills Austria's pint. Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete new suit because there are splashes on its trouser leg. Germany expresses its support for Austria's point of view. Britain recomm...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A scientist with a cage is running down a street when he bumped into someone. The cage fell and several Labrador puppies fell out.

He yells at the guy, "Watch out, those are my fucking Lab results!"

I bumped into my school crush in the middle of the street.

She said, "Wow. I haven't seen you for like fourteen years!"


Probably wasn't the right time to say: "Well, I've seen you."

For my cake day, I want to share a joke I've never seen here: A man is walking through the desert. [Long]

He comes across a town and realises he could get a horse. He walks up to the horse salesperson and asks for a horse. The salesperson says "Sorry just sold the last one, but you can check down the street. The other guy might have some left!"

So he goes there and again, asks for a horse. Unfort...

A Frenchman bumps into a English gentleman on a street

"Good day to you sir, what are you up to." says the Englishman.
The Frenchman says "nothing much....what are you doing."


"Oh we are playing Croatia today" answers the Englishman.

"Ah what a coincidence. We are playing them on Sunday you see" r...

A bloke bumped in to me on the tube the other day and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."

Then the same fella followed me home from the pub and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."

Things then got out of hand when he tapped on my window at 11.30 that night and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."

I thought, "That's it, I'm going to the Police."

I told the officer I w...

I bumped into Thanos and laughed really hard at the size of his chin and forehead...

He snapped

A blind man walks into...

A blind man and his seeing eye dog enter the local department store.
As the store manager strolls by he thinks, "It wonderful to see this man navigate the store without a single misstep or bumping into anything."

Just as he was about to approach the man, the manager observes the blind man...

Why were cosmonauts on the Russian space station always bumping into things?

Because objects in Mir are closer than they appear.

I believe I can Fly, Bump and Grind, and Ignition by R Kelly were all written in the same key

A minor

One day Brock Lee fell off stage during filming.

He bumped his head pretty hard, and fell into a coma.

After a while, the director and other actors urgently went to the hospital to check up on him. The doctor who was overseeing Brock came out and said

"We hope he gets better soon, but as of now, he is in a vegetative state."

Hear the one about the bald guy getting bumped to business class after passengers made fun of him?

Talk about the advantages of a reseating airline.

I was driving through a Forrest and felt a small bump so

I stopped and pulled over to see what happened . I had ran over a hare. Suddenly a girl came over and sprayed something on the dead hare. It then jumped up ,ran a few feet then waved .It kept repeating this and I was shocked .i asked the girl what she sprayed on the hare.

She said it was inst...

I was walking down the street yesterday and bumped into the ghost of a soldier.

I was walking down the street yesterday and bumped into the ghost of a soldier.

Me: But Mr. Ghost how did I hit you? Surely you're non-corporeal.

Ghost: That's Lance-corporeal to you private.

"Dad, I bumped into my ex yesterday."

"Son, I don't know anyone called Yesterday."

I went to my car durring lunch and bumped into a man trying to take it apart

I told him: hey! What are you doing, if you need money, get a job, don't steal people's stuff!

He told me: I have a job, I just needed a break!

I don’t see the point in speed bumps

If anything they slow you down

Did you hear about that librarian who bumped her head?

She had no one to blame but her shelf.

President Trump bumped into Mike Pence in a White House hallway this morning...

Trump said "Pardon me."

I bumped into a stranger. He turned around and told me he was gonna rearrange my teeth.

What a great dentist he was - so glad I met him.

I bumped into my old English teacher that I fancied.

"What's new?" she asked.

I said, "An adjective."

A cowboy and his blind horse

A man is casually crossing the Wyoming plains when his horse died all of the sudden. The nearest town was three days walk. So, he started to walk. 3 days later he ends up in this quiet 'ol town but nobody had a horse for sale. So he commenced to walking to the closest town which was a two days journ...

A man was walking with his three year old daughter.

As they were walking, the man bumped into one of his high school friends.

'I've not seen you in ages! And this is my daughter Beth!'

"And what's Beth short for?'

'She's only three.'

What did the child say when he bumped his knee?

Ow, my kidney.

A Buddhist monk leaves his monastery after 10 years

His fellow monks beg him not to leave, but he firmly tells them that he is leaving to begin spreading his new form of Buddhism. After a few months, the leader of the monastery happens to bump into him, and tries to convince him to come back. The monk, again, firmly says that he has already begun spr...

The pallbearers accidentally bumped Susan’s casket on the wall...

... and they hear a cough. They open the casket and sure enough Susan is alive, apparently having been in a coma which she is coming out of.

She recovers in the hospital and lives another 3 years before she finally passes. At her (second) funeral the eulogies finish and the pallbearers begin...

I bumped into an old school friend today...

He said "life is great! I live in a $2 million mansion!"

I said "that's nice, I live under a $5 million bridge!"

What did Richard Nixon say when he bumped into Gerald Ford?

Pardon me.

I just bumped into a mannequin and said sorry. Then I said "Oh I thought you were a person".

Then I realized I was still talking to a mannequin...

A woman goes into labor with her child

The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of child birth to the father.

He asks if it is ok to use the new device.

The couple agrees and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%.

The man feels nothing.

They then bump it up to 20%.
...

Donald Trump is heading to Trump Tower and bumps into a fellow on the busy sidewalk. He turns to the man and says...

"I pardon myself"

What did the dolphin say to the whale when he bumped into him?

Sorry I didn’t do it on porpoise

The Time Keeper, The Clock Maker, and The Bell Ringer

A time keeper at a factory is in charge of blowing the whistle for the lunch break at noon

When it's almost noon he looks at his watch and right when it strikes 12pm he blows the whistle

One day he bumps his watch against something and he fears that it is a little off

Wanting ...

We need to keep bump stocks legal...

How else are the blind going to shoot?

[nsfw] I just bumped into your mum and she was counting some money...

... I asked her what the money was for. She said she had just finished whoring for the night and made $80.05. I asked "5 cents!? Who pays 5c!?" and she said "all of them".

Ten little monkeys jumping on the bed. One fell off and bumped his head.

Mama asked the mom group and the mom group said: Have you tried essential oils? I hear hyperactivity is a vaccine injury. I'm calling CPS.

3 men bump into each other after 30 years apart....

They begin catching up on what each one has been up to over the past 30 years.

First guy - I got married and moved to LA where I ran my own restaurant. One morning, I showed up for work only to find my restaurant engulfed in flames. The whole thing burned to the ground. Insurance paid me a f...

I'm positive I lost an electron bumping into that anode.

Isn't that ionic?

What’s the driver say after he felt a “bump, ba-bump” under his car?

When did they put speed bumps in the park?

I bumped into an old mate of mine today.

I said, "What are you doing these days?"

He said, "I prepare meals for the homeless, drug addicts, alcoholics and down and outs."

I said, "Oh, are you working for the Salvation Army?"

He said, "No. Wetherspoons!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man walks out of a bar with a girl he just pulled.

"Let's go back to your joint..." he says, "my house mates are home and we'll get no peace there."

Reluctantly the girl agrees. They walk back to her house and quietly enter through the front door.

"Take a seat" says the girl, pointing to the sofa, "I'm just going to get changed out of...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.