Guess who I bumped into on my way to the eye doctor!

>!Everybody!<

They just put speed bumps outside the local school.

Well I hope it was a speed bump.

My friend and I bumped into Arnold Schwarzenegger. As fans we asked a lot of questions and ended up asking if he's going to upgrade to Windows 11...

He said, "I still love Vista, baby!"

Monica Lewinsky and Hillary Clinton bump into each other at a party.

A dollar falls out of Monica's pocket. Hillary picks it up and says, "that's the second Bill we've shared."

A man is walking home alone late one foggy night when behind him he hears: Bump! BUMP! BUMP! Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him...

BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.

FASTER! FASTER! BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the casket...

I have a fear of speed bumps.

But I am slowly getting over it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man in a hotel lobby turns to go to the front desk, but he accidentally runs into a woman beside him and his elbow bumps into her breast. They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, "Ma'aM, iF youR hearT iS sofT aS youR breasT ,I knoW you'lL forgivE mE." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."

One tectonic plate bumped into another and said

“Sorry, my fault”

A sole and a flounder are swimming in the ocean when they bump into each other. The sole says, "A flounder!"

The flounder, to be polite, says nothing.

A man stumbles out of a bar on St. Patrick’s day, bumps into a policeman, and burps right in his face!

The cop, though startled, calmly directs him to a taxi without issue.

There was a presumption of Guinness hints.

A bumblebee and a honeybee meet on the corner.

The bumblebee says "Hey, little bro, how's it going?" and the honeybee says "Oh, so, so bad. It's been a horrible summer, hardly any flowers, and there's next to nothing in the hive."

"I can give you a hot tip," says the bumblebee. "Go half a block south, then fly over the house to tbe back y...

A funeral service was being held for a young woman who had just passed away. As the pallbearers carried the casket out, they accidentally bumped into a wall. They heard a faint moan come from inside the casket.

They opened the casket and found that the woman was still alive! She went on to live 10 more years and then died, and they held another funeral for her. While the pallbearers were carrying her out, her husband yelled, "Watch out for that wall!"

You know who I bumped into in SpecSavers today?

Everyone

Guess who I bumped into on my way to the eye doctor!

>!Everybody!<

Edit 1: Wow, this blew up. is this where you post your soundcloud?

Edit 2: My inbox is ruined, I should start charging reddit coins for formatting questions.

So a pimpled man goes to the doctor...

He comes in, but refuses to sit down. The nurse asks if there is anything she could help him with.

He waves her away politely, and holds his suitcase in the air, bumps the top of it and an entire stool comes folding out. He places the stool on the ground and tries to small talk with the nurse...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sex is about division, not multiplication

So a long-married 60yo couple get a divorce and revenge remarry 20 year olds.

They bump into each other a year later. After an awkward exchange, the wife says.
'Well, at least I am better off than you.'.
'What do you mean', the ex hubby asked? ' I married a smoking hot 20yo and the sex ...

An Irishman is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he spots a Preacher baptizing people in the river.

He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the Preacher...

The Preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk,

'Are you ready to find Jesus?'

The drunk shouts, ' Hicc..yes, I am.'

So the Preacher grabs...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, th...

If you ever bump into a fridge there is no need to be sorry

The fridge is cool with it

What are the bumps around a nipple?

Braille for "please suck here"

Close Call Accident

1) = First driver
2) = Priest

During the night, 2 cars bumped to each other.
The first comes out furious starting cursing at the other driver.
The second comes out and it turns out he was a high priest.

1)Sorry 'Father' i didn't meant what i said...

2)My child, ...

Moses was walking down the street when he bumped into George W. Bush.

Moses was walking down the street when he bumped into George W. Bush. “Hello,” Bush said. “Nice weather we’re having, huh?” Moses took one look at the President, turned, and ran in the other direction.

The next day Moses was walking down the same street and there was Bush. Again he tried to i...

A blonde has a bump in her car

She starts crying, all upset because she doesn’t want her husband to know and make fun of her.

A brunette comes along and tells her to blow into the exhaust pipe, like in a balloon, and it’ll fix the bump.

The blond blows in the pipe for about 10 minutes when another blonde comes along...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I bumped into an old school friend today.



He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car.

Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?"

I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend."

He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?"

...

A man was walking home one night.

A young man was walking home one night. The street was pitch black. As he passed the gates of a small cemetery, he felt as if he was being followed. Suddenly, he heard a bump behind him. Afraid to look back, he increased his pace.

Bump, bump, bump.

The bumping behind him continued, ge...

The spirit in the bottle.

A lady walks into Walmart. She bumps into a bottle on a shelf, it falls down and a spirit comes out. Ahh that was good said the spirit. As a thank\`s for helping me out of this bottle, I want to give you one wish that comes true. The lady is a little confused, thinks a little and says, I have a wish...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walking home late one night from the pub..

Decides to take a shortcut through the cemetery. He’s walking through then starts hearing a tapping noise. He gets a little scared and speeds up but the tapping seems to get louder and closer so he starts running and dodging around gravestones but the tapping gets louder.

He runs round a larg...

What did Roger Stone say when he bumped into Donald Trump?

Pardon me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man entering the elevator bumps into a womens boob..

He says... “Madam, if your heart is as soft as your boob, I’m sure you’ll forgive me...”
She replied...” If you knob is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 102!”

Bumped into my old Chemistry teacher yesterday

...in fact I knocked him right over.

You should have seen his reaction.

A cowboy walks into a bar and accidentally bumps shoulders with someone while walking up to the bartender

The cowboy says politely, “Scuse me, sir.”
The person looks over at the cowboy uncomfortably and responds, “Uh, actually I’m non-binary.” The cowboy tips his hat respectfully and says, “Oh, pardon me M’theydy.”

What’s the difference between a pedestrian and a speed bump?

You slow down for speed bumps

I bumped into an old school friend the other day.

He seemed to be doing very well for himself, fancy clothes, new car. You could tell he was now very successful and wealthy.
I asked him how he had been doing and he said “great, I’ve got loads of money, fancy cars and a big house.”
I asked him how he came to be so rich and he replied “I’ve bee...

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Two strangers bump into each other

The one guy says to the other guy: "Oh sorry dude, I'm in a hurry since I lost my girlfriend in this huge supermarket."

"That's no problem man," says the other guy. "But I can't find my girlfriend neither!"

"Oh really? How does she look like?" asks the one guy.

The other guy say...

A woman is walking down the street when she bumps into an old friend she hasn't seen in a long time. They sit down on a bench and catch up on their lives.

Friend: So do you have any kids?

Woman: Yes, I have 5 boys.

Friend: Nice! What are their names?

Woman: Steve.

Friend: You mean... All of them are named Steve?

Woman: Exactly, it's so much easier that way! It's hard enough to supervise 5 boys playing together, it's ...

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, "My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke. The moral of the stor...

I asked my masseuse if it was normal to get an erection during my massage

He said it was perfectly normal. I said, “Ok, but could you at least stop bumping it into me?”

A drug addict calls the police to report something interesting

The police officer, interested, asks. "What is it?"

The addict responds. "Okay, I-"

The officer interrupts, quickly making sure they're not on drugs "You're sober right now, right?"

"Yes, this happened when I was sober too."

All seems okay to this point. "Okay, go on."...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An oldie from my grandfather.

The night was dark.
The sky was blue.
And, down the ally the shitwagon flew.
A bump was hit.
A scream was heard.
A man was killed by a flying turd.

The CDC is recommending people bump elbows instead of shaking hands. This is ridiculous advice.

Everyone knows that's how you spread elbowla.

Just noticed two large bumps on my car battery...

Had them tested and one came back positive. I hope it's not terminal.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two tampons bump in to each other in the street. Which one says hello first?

Neither. They’re both stuck up cunts

I bumped into my old teacher and was sad when she didn't recognize me

I was home schooled.

Bumpy Night

An unruly drunk was being escorted out of the bar by a hulking bouncer.

'You should find another job,' the drunk says sarcastically.

"I have a Ph.D in phrenology,' the bouncer says.

"What field is that?'

'I can read the bumps on your head, after i put them there.'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men bumped into each other on the street

The first man says "Hey man, its 2020, you gotta keep your fucking distance"

The second man replies "What are you gonna do about it, huh?

The two men get ready to fight. The first man takes out his hand sanitizer and sanitizes his hands. The second man does the same.

The first m...

Went to the optometrist office today and bumped into an old friend!

I also bumped into the optometrist, the receptionist and I knocked over their sunglasses display.

Bumped into my ex today...

Well, the police say it's vehicular manslaughter. So, yeah whatever.

Two security guards bumped into each-other while running through the hallway.

It was the collision of the sentry.

What did the drunken hobbit say when he bumped into the wizard?

"Saruman, I didn't see you there"

What did the fish say when it bumped into the brick wall?

dam

Read this on an anniversary special edition of Reader's Digest

Julius Caesar was coming out of a fast food restaurant when Brutus bumped into him and asked,"How are the burgers, Julius?

Julius replied, "Ate two, Brute!"

Frank’s old dog Spot …

.. had a bit of a trouble sometimes winding his way through the furniture without bumping into something now and again. Growing concerned, Frank took him to the veternarian for an examination.


“What seems to be the problem?” asked the vet.


“Well,” said Frank, “I am concerne...

A bloke bumped in to me on the tube the other day and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."

Then the same fella followed me home from the pub and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."

Things then got out of hand when he tapped on my window at 11.30 that night and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."

I thought, "That's it, I'm going to the Police."

I told the officer I w...

So I went to a costume party dressed as a chicken when I bumped into a cute girl dressed as an egg, that night i found out the answer to the age old question

Which came first

A couple of geese fell down from the stairs.

They got multiple goose bumps.

What do you call a guy who keeps bumping into everyone with a massive erection

Large hardon collider

Thor was bored with life on Asgard and one day decided travel to earth to entertain himself.

Whilst here he happened upon a beautiful maiden and the pair hooked up that evening and made love all night, with Thor slipping out in the early hours.

Back in Asgard Thor felt bad for the fair lady about slipping away never too be seen again and thought he at least owed it to her to explain...

An old man and a young man bump into each other at the grocery store

They each say excuse me and the young man says "I'm sorry I bumped into you, it's just that I'm looking for my wife. I lost her somewhere in another asile."

The old man says I am also looking for my wife. Let's help each other. Tell me what does your wife look like?

The young man repli...

You know that horrible feeling that you're about to bump into your ex?

I hate digging in the garden

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You ever hit a speed bump, look back and say...

Well shit that speed bump just barked

A blind snake and a blind rabbit bump into each other...

The snake feels the rabbit and says "You are soft,small, and have a bushy tail, you must be a rabbit.", the the rabbit feel the snake and says "You're slimy, have beady eyes, slither in the ground, and have a forked tongue, you must be a politician!".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day at a busy airport

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is ...

A Frenchman bumps into a English gentleman on a street

"Good day to you sir, what are you up to." says the Englishman.
The Frenchman says "nothing much....what are you doing."


"Oh we are playing Croatia today" answers the Englishman.

"Ah what a coincidence. We are playing them on Sunday you see" r...

Today I bumped into the man who sold me an antique globe.

It’s a small world.

Hear the one about the bald guy getting bumped to business class after passengers made fun of him?

Talk about the advantages of a reseating airline.

A Canadian accidentally bumped into a hard of hearing person.

Legend has it that they're still saying sorry to each other.

A time keeper at a factory is in charge of blowing the whistle for the lunch break at noon.

When it's almost noon he looks at his watch and right when it strikes 12pm he blows the whistle.

One day he bumps his watch against something and he fears that it is a little off.

Wanting to make sure that he can do his job correctly he decides to go get his watch set by a professional...

I accidentally bumped into

A cross eyed man in the street today. He told me to watch where I’m going. I told him to go where he’s watching.

President Trump bumped into Mike Pence in a White House hallway this morning...

Trump said "Pardon me."

What do you get when you snort a mix of cocaine and speed?

Speed bumps

The other day, I saw a rose making fun of a tulip that had a bump on it's stem, so I stepped on the rose. I'm just doing my part...

...to stop cyst stemic racism.

I believe I can Fly, Bump and Grind, and Ignition by R Kelly were all written in the same key

A minor

I just bumped into a mannequin and said sorry. Then I said "Oh I thought you were a person".

Then I realized I was still talking to a mannequin...

What did the child say when he bumped his knee?

Ow, my kidney.

I bumped into Thanos and laughed really hard at the size of his chin and forehead...

He snapped

Why were cosmonauts on the Russian space station always bumping into things?

Because objects in Mir are closer than they appear.

I bumped into my old English teacher that I fancied.

"What's new?" she asked.

I said, "An adjective."

3 men bump into each other after 30 years apart....

They begin catching up on what each one has been up to over the past 30 years.

First guy - I got married and moved to LA where I ran my own restaurant. One morning, I showed up for work only to find my restaurant engulfed in flames. The whole thing burned to the ground. Insurance paid me a f...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A scientist with a cage is running down a street when he bumped into someone. The cage fell and several Labrador puppies fell out.

He yells at the guy, "Watch out, those are my fucking Lab results!"

[nsfw] I just bumped into your mum and she was counting some money...

... I asked her what the money was for. She said she had just finished whoring for the night and made $80.05. I asked "5 cents!? Who pays 5c!?" and she said "all of them".

I bumped into a stranger. He turned around and told me he was gonna rearrange my teeth.

What a great dentist he was - so glad I met him.

The pallbearers accidentally bumped Susan’s casket on the wall...

... and they hear a cough. They open the casket and sure enough Susan is alive, apparently having been in a coma which she is coming out of.

She recovers in the hospital and lives another 3 years before she finally passes. At her (second) funeral the eulogies finish and the pallbearers begin...

A rabbi, a priest and a minister want to see who is best at their job...

So they decide to go out into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. A few days later, the the priest and the minister bump into each other at the hospital, where each person is being treated for their particular injuries. They then tell each other about their experience.

The prie...

I bumped into my school crush in the middle of the street.

She said, "Wow. I haven't seen you for like fourteen years!"


Probably wasn't the right time to say: "Well, I've seen you."

I bumped into an old school friend today...

He said "life is great! I live in a $2 million mansion!"

I said "that's nice, I live under a $5 million bridge!"

Did you hear about that librarian who bumped her head?

She had no one to blame but her shelf.

Still my favorite joke I ever made up. :)

A monocle walks into a bar. After a few drinks he starts to feel pretty good (and a little uncoordinated). He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender stops him. "Sorry, buddy, but due to city ordinances we don't allow smoking in here. You'll have to step outside to smoke."

So the monocle h...

I went to my car durring lunch and bumped into a man trying to take it apart

I told him: hey! What are you doing, if you need money, get a job, don't steal people's stuff!

He told me: I have a job, I just needed a break!

What did Richard Nixon say when he bumped into Gerald Ford?

Pardon me.

Snail and the Tortoise

Once a tortoise and a snail bumped into each other.
The snail was profusely injured and was taken to the hospital emergency.
When the snail was in a position to talk, he was surrounded by members of the press asking him
"Mr. Snail, could ypu please tell us how this happened?".
The snail...

Donald Trump is heading to Trump Tower and bumps into a fellow on the busy sidewalk. He turns to the man and says...

"I pardon myself"

"Dad, I bumped into my ex yesterday."

"Son, I don't know anyone called Yesterday."

I was driving through a Forrest and felt a small bump so

I stopped and pulled over to see what happened . I had ran over a hare. Suddenly a girl came over and sprayed something on the dead hare. It then jumped up ,ran a few feet then waved .It kept repeating this and I was shocked .i asked the girl what she sprayed on the hare.

She said it was inst...

Three dogs

Three dogs are at the vet in the waiting room.

When the first dog asks the second dog what he's in for, he answers, "My master bought a brand new carpet the other day, and at the first opportunity I soiled it, so now I've been brought here to be put to sleep. So what are you here for?"
<...

I was walking down the street yesterday and bumped into the ghost of a soldier.

I was walking down the street yesterday and bumped into the ghost of a soldier.

Me: But Mr. Ghost how did I hit you? Surely you're non-corporeal.

Ghost: That's Lance-corporeal to you private.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bob goes into a public restroom...

...and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms.

As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak. Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out.

Being a kind soul, Bob say...

I don’t see the point in speed bumps

If anything they slow you down

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