UPJOKE
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Bump Jokes

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I bumped into an old school friend today

I bumped into an old school friend today. He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car.

Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?"

I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend."

He said...

Bumped into my ex today...

Well, the police say it's vehicular manslaughter. So, yeah whatever.

A man is walking home alone late one foggy night when behind him he hears: Bump! BUMP! BUMP! Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him!!

BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.

FASTER! FASTER! BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the casket...

Guess who I bumped into on my way to the eye doctor!

>!Everybody!<

Edit 1: Wow, this blew up. is this where you post your soundcloud?

Edit 2: My inbox is ruined, I should start charging reddit coins for formatting questions.

A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away. As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall.

Suddenly, a faint moaning is heard from the casket. The casket is opened, and it is found that the woman is actually alive. She lives for ten more years and then dies.

They have another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.

As they are walk...

What did one tectonic plate say to the other when they bumped into each other?

"Whoops, my fault"

I have a fear of speed bumps

But I am slowly getting over it

A bloke bumped in to me on the tube the other day and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."

Then the same fella followed me home from the pub and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."

Things then got out of hand when he tapped on my window at 11.30 that night and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."

I thought, "That's it, I'm going to the Police."

I told the officer I w...

You’ll never believe who I bumped into on my way to the eye doctor!

Everybody.

What are the tiny bumps around a woman’s nipple for?

Braille for “Suck here.”

Ten little monkeys jumping on the bed, one jumped off and bumped his head. Mama called the doctor and the doctor said

We don’t accept your insurance.

Bumped into an old deaf friend today.

Him: Wanna hear a joke?

Me: Sure.

Him: Same here.

Bumped into my ex in town earlier.

Almost didn't recognise her without her hand in my wallet.

What did Dean Martin scream when he bumped an eel while scuba diving?

That’s Amorè!

What did the Dutch horse say when he bumped into someone?

Paarden me

A man goes to the doctir to have a bump checked

The doctor takes a quick look and goes "Yep, that's definitely a sting from the new poisonous bees. 8 out of 9 cases are fatal, but you're very lucky, because in your case it's bee nine."

What did Roger Stone say when he bumped into Donald Trump?

Pardon me.

I bumped into my friend who’s a waitress the other day

She wasn’t very happy about it

A couple of counterfeiters made a mistake one time and ended up with a batch of $15 bills

One of them says "We gotta get rid of these things. We'll go to Florida. I know a little town there. They're so dumb they won't know a thing."

So off they go. Soon they arrive at a gas station and buy some gas. The guy at the counter looks a little simpleminded.

"Hey can you break a 1...

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Bumping into People

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgi...

3 men bump into each other after 30 years apart....

They begin catching up on what each one has been up to over the past 30 years.

First guy - I got married and moved to LA where I ran my own restaurant. One morning, I showed up for work only to find my restaurant engulfed in flames. The whole thing burned to the ground. Insurance paid me a f...

Two psychics bump into each other walking down the street...

One says to the other “You’re doing alright, how am I?”

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Two snakes bump into each other after a long time

After intial pleasantries one snake confesses that he is struggling with his failing eyesight.

The other snake suggests an eye doctor who he is sure can help the other snake improve his eye sight. They exchange addresses and part ways.

After few weeks they bump into one another again.<...

I asked my masseuse if it was normal to get an erection during my massage

He said it was perfectly normal. I said, “Ok, but could you at least stop bumping it into me?”

My friend and I bumped into Arnold Schwarzenegger. As fans we asked a lot of questions and ended up asking if he's going to upgrade to Windows 11...

He said, "I still love Vista, baby!"

They just put speed bumps outside the local school.

Well I hope it was a speed bump.

Went to the optometrist office today and bumped into an old friend!

I also bumped into the optometrist, the receptionist, and I knocked over their sunglasses display.

Plato absentmindedly bumps into someone walking down the street.

He hands him a book and says, "Please accept my Apology".

An old feller and the new city speed bumps

One day an old man is sitting with his daughter at breakfast, “have you driven by the parks lately?” He ask his daughter. The daughter replies “no, why do you ask dad?” The old man says “well every time I drive by the parks I hit these new speed bumps they put in, they scream if you drive too fast. ...

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Two strangers bump into each other

The one guy says to the other guy: "Oh sorry dude, I'm in a hurry since I lost my girlfriend in this huge supermarket."

"That's no problem man," says the other guy. "But I can't find my girlfriend neither!"

"Oh really? How does she look like?" asks the one guy.

The other guy say...

Monica Lewinsky and Hillary Clinton bump into each other at a party.

A dollar falls out of Monica's pocket. Hillary picks it up and says, "that's the second Bill we've shared."

A blonde has a bump in her car

She starts crying, all upset because she doesn’t want her husband to know and make fun of her.

A brunette comes along and tells her to blow into the exhaust pipe, like in a balloon, and it’ll fix the bump.

The blond blows in the pipe for about 10 minutes when another blonde comes along...

Still my favorite joke I ever made up. :)

A monocle walks into a bar. After a few drinks he starts to feel pretty good (and a little uncoordinated). He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender stops him. "Sorry, buddy, but due to city ordinances we don't allow smoking in here. You'll have to step outside to smoke."

So the monocle h...

A sole and a flounder are swimming in the ocean when they bump into each other. The sole says, "A flounder!"

The flounder, to be polite, says nothing.

President Trump bumped into Mike Pence in a White House hallway this morning...

Trump said "Pardon me."

What’s the driver say after he felt a “bump, ba-bump” under his car?

When did they put speed bumps in the park?

Bumped into my old Chemistry teacher yesterday

...in fact I knocked him right over.

You should have seen his reaction.

Moses was walking down the street when he bumped into George W. Bush.

Moses was walking down the street when he bumped into George W. Bush. “Hello,” Bush said. “Nice weather we’re having, huh?” Moses took one look at the President, turned, and ran in the other direction.

The next day Moses was walking down the same street and there was Bush. Again he tried to i...

I bumped into an old school friend today...

He said "life is great! I live in a $2 million mansion!"

I said "that's nice, I live under a $5 million bridge!"

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My blind wife gets so angry when she bumps into me while I’m masturbating

She never sees me cumming.

I bumped into an old school friend the other day.

He seemed to be doing very well for himself, fancy clothes, new car. You could tell he was now very successful and wealthy.
I asked him how he had been doing and he said “great, I’ve got loads of money, fancy cars and a big house.”
I asked him how he came to be so rich and he replied “I’ve bee...

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You ever hit a speed bump, look back and say...

Well shit that speed bump just barked

I accidentally bumped into

A cross eyed man in the street today. He told me to watch where I’m going. I told him to go where he’s watching.

Just noticed two large bumps on my car battery...

Had them tested and one came back positive. I hope it's not terminal.

A fish bumped into a dam.

It was a Walleye.

A Frenchman bumps into a English gentleman on a street

"Good day to you sir, what are you up to." says the Englishman.
The Frenchman says "nothing much....what are you doing."


"Oh we are playing Croatia today" answers the Englishman.

"Ah what a coincidence. We are playing them on Sunday you see" r...

What did the child say when he bumped his knee?

Ow, my kidney.

If you ever bump into a fridge there is no need to be sorry

The fridge is cool with it

You know who I bumped into in SpecSavers today?

Everyone

I just bumped into a mannequin and said sorry. Then I said "Oh I thought you were a person".

Then I realized I was still talking to a mannequin...

Two vegans bump into eachother at a BBQ

"We must stop meating like this."

The CDC is recommending people bump elbows instead of shaking hands. This is ridiculous advice.

Everyone knows that's how you spread elbowla.

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A man entering the elevator bumps into a womens boob..

He says... “Madam, if your heart is as soft as your boob, I’m sure you’ll forgive me...”
She replied...” If you knob is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 102!”

A pirate goes to the dermatologist.

A pirate goes to the dermatologist to check the red bumps on his arm.

The dermatologist looks at them, and says "Don't worry, they're benign."

The pirate says, "Arrr! I counted them meself, and there be eleven of 'em!"

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Two men bumped into each other on the street

The first man says "Hey man, its 2020, you gotta keep your fucking distance"

The second man replies "What are you gonna do about it, huh?

The two men get ready to fight. The first man takes out his hand sanitizer and sanitizes his hands. The second man does the same.

The first m...

Neon bumped into helium.

There was no reaction.

I bumped into my old teacher and was sad when she didn't recognize me

I was home schooled.

We need to keep bump stocks legal...

How else are the blind going to shoot?

What did Edward Snowden say when he bumped into Barack Obama?

Pardon me

Bill Gates dies and goes to heaven,

where Saint Peter gives him a nice, modern six-bedroom house with a pretty garden and a tennis court. Pleased with his lot, Bill quickly settles into the afterlife.

One day he is out walking when he bumps into a man wearing a fine tailored suit.

"That's really nice," says Bill. "Where ...

A Canadian accidentally bumped into a hard of hearing person.

Legend has it that they're still saying sorry to each other.

Two atoms bump into each other, and become stuck.

"Oh, no," said the first atom. "We're going to be stuck like this forever!"

"It'll be okay. Try not to be so negative! Think positive for a second."

The first atom thought real hard, and the two flew apart.

You know that horrible feeling that you're about to bump into your ex?

I hate digging in the garden

An old man and a young man bump into each other at the grocery store

They each say excuse me and the young man says "I'm sorry I bumped into you, it's just that I'm looking for my wife. I lost her somewhere in another asile."

The old man says I am also looking for my wife. Let's help each other. Tell me what does your wife look like?

The young man repli...

"Dad, I bumped into my ex yesterday."

"Son, I don't know anyone called Yesterday."

Hear the one about the bald guy getting bumped to business class after passengers made fun of him?

Talk about the advantages of a reseating airline.

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A man bumped into woman.....

A man bumped into a woman as he entered a hotel lobby--

to his distress,

as his elbow forcefully pressed

into the woman’s breast.

“Madame, if your heart is

as tender as your breast is,

you’ll forgive me.”

“Well, sir,” she replied,

”if your ...

I bumped into my old English teacher that I fancied.

"What's new?" she asked.

I said, "An adjective."

The pallbearers accidentally bumped Susan’s casket on the wall...

... and they hear a cough. They open the casket and sure enough Susan is alive, apparently having been in a coma which she is coming out of.

She recovers in the hospital and lives another 3 years before she finally passes. At her (second) funeral the eulogies finish and the pallbearers begin...

[nsfw] I just bumped into your mum and she was counting some money...

... I asked her what the money was for. She said she had just finished whoring for the night and made $80.05. I asked "5 cents!? Who pays 5c!?" and she said "all of them".

What did the drunken hobbit say when he bumped into the wizard?

"Saruman, I didn't see you there"

A fish swimming upriver and bumps his head.

"Dam" he says.

I got sick from a fist bump

it's the first confirmed case of ebrola

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Two homosexuals bumped into each other one day in Bondi Junction.

After their customary intimate greeting, one of them asked the other, "Fabian, have you stopped smoking?"

When Fabian replied in the affirmative, his chum asked him how he had managed to kick the habit.

Explained Fabian, "It was easy really. Everytime I felt like a cigarette, I`d just...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A nun gets out of bed

she meets another nun who smiles and says “Someone got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning!”

The nun shrugs, thinking she wasn’t really that grumpy looking and continues to the bathroom, to be met by another nun who looks her up and down, smiles and says “Someone got out of the wron...

I bumped into my old school teacher

I bumped into my old school teacher today, and we got talking about how he once said that I'd never amount to anything. I showed him though.

I spat in his fries.

*Girl bumps into a guy at the bar*

Girl: Oh sorry about that, hi.

Guy: Oh! I shouldn't be talking to you.

Girl: Why not?

Guy: Because when I talk to a pretty girl I always make a fool of myself

*The girl smiles, taking this as a compliment*

Girl: You're not making a fool of yourself.

*The gu...

Today I bumped into the man who sold me an antique globe.

It’s a small world.

I bumped into an old mate of mine today.

I said, "What are you doing these days?"

He said, "I prepare meals for the homeless, drug addicts, alcoholics and down and outs."

I said, "Oh, are you working for the Salvation Army?"

He said, "No. Wetherspoons!"

I don’t see the point in speed bumps

If anything they slow you down

Two older businessmen bump into each other in Florida

Two older businessmen bump into each other in florida. "Marvin what are you doing here? I thought you were running that clothing store in queens." One says to the other. "Well, I did have that store for almost 25 years, but then one day a fire burnt the store completely. I thought to myself: do I re...

I was driving through a Forrest and felt a small bump so

I stopped and pulled over to see what happened . I had ran over a hare. Suddenly a girl came over and sprayed something on the dead hare. It then jumped up ,ran a few feet then waved .It kept repeating this and I was shocked .i asked the girl what she sprayed on the hare.

She said it was inst...

A cowboy walks into a bar and accidentally bumps shoulders with someone while walking up to the bartender

The cowboy says politely, “Scuse me, sir.”
The person looks over at the cowboy uncomfortably and responds, “Uh, actually I’m non-binary.” The cowboy tips his hat respectfully and says, “Oh, pardon me M’theydy.”

What did Richard Nixon say when he bumped into Gerald Ford?

Pardon me.

Why were cosmonauts on the Russian space station always bumping into things?

Because objects in Mir are closer than they appear.

Guy bumps into a friend ...

... and says "Hey, man, can you believe that they fired me for stealing office supplies?"

Friend says, "Wow, that's crazy, they must really be hardnosed about that. Where did you work again?"

"Office Depot."

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