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I recently learned how to swallow a rope and have it come out the other end tied up in a bow.

I shit you knot.

A group of kids on street were calling their friend Johnny trough his window. "Johnny, come out to play!", "I can't, I'm sick." Johnny replied. "what's wrong with you?" kids asked.

I'm f*cking my sister. - said Johnny

If you're american when you go in the bathroom and american when you come out, what are you in the bathroom?

European

The “A” went to the bathroom and come out an “E”.

It must have had a vowel movement.

What goes in mouth dry and hard and come out soft and sticky?

Chewing gum

When I was a kid you could walk into a shop with a quarter and come out with 2 cokes, 3 bags of chips and an Ice cream...

Nowadays, CCTV everywhere.

My wife said to come out of the closet already...

I said stop buying so many cute dresses then.

A robber breaks into a house while the residents are away one dark night. Eager to see what he can loot, he quickly starts searching through cupboards and dressers, grabbing valuables with a trained eye. Suddenly, he hears a voice come out of nowhere. “Jesus is watching you.”

The criminal jumps, scared the residents are back, and freezes. After a few minutes of silence however, he assumes it was his imagination, and goes back to robbing. A couple minutes pass, before once again, the voice returns. “Jesus is watching you.” Quite confused, the thief searches the house and ...

Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the order 4 5 6 1 2 3?

In charge of the sequence, Yoda was.

An inquisitive cowboy ambled into a blacksmith shop and picked up a horseshoe without realizing it had recently come out of the forge.

Dropping it, he shoved his burned hand into his pocket and tried to appear nonchalant.

“Kinda hot, ain’t it?” asked the blacksmith.

“Nope,” said the cowboy. “It just don’t take me long to look at a horseshoe.”

When I was younger, I used to go to the store with a dollar, and come out with a pop, a bag of chips and a pack of gums...

Now, they have cameras.

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Police man: come out with your hands up!

Guy: *sticks hands up* I’m gay!

Half of us are gonna come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks

and the other half are gonna come out with a drinking problem.

Now that it's pride month, I finally have the courage to come out as Bi

All bi-myself.

A young buffalo builds up the courage to finally come out to his father...

The father buffalo smiles and says, "thank you for confiding in me, I always thought you were bison."

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A man walks into the dentist office and after the dentist exam him , he says,that tooth has to come out. I’m going to give you a shot of Novacaine and I’ll be back in a few minutes.

The man grabs the dentist's arm, "no way. I hate needles I'm not having any shot!"

So the dentist says, "okay, we'll have to go with the gas."

The man replies, "absolutely not. It makes me very sick for a couple of days. I'm not having gas."

So the dentist steps out and comes ba...

My boss asked me, "Why do you come out in a rash every time I give you your wages?"

I said, "Because I'm allergic to peanuts."

The Tempur-pedic Mattress company has come out with a line of breast implants...

...They're mammary foam.

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My son adorably can't pronounce Ks and they always come out as Ts...

... it was all cute until he asked my neighbour if he could "stroke her titties".

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How often does a poo come out in one piece?

About one turd of the time.

Another good thing to come out of the Supreme Court forcing Trump to disclose his taxes

We're gonna finally learn if having teenage hookers pee on your face is claimed as entertainment expense or medical.

"I'm going to punch your house until you come out and talk to me!"

~ Guy who invented 'knocking'.

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Dad: Son, come out to the car.

Son: Car, I’m gay.

Dad: *tears up*

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A little boy goes shopping with his mom and is waiting outside the changing room for her to come out.

While waiting, the little boy gets bored and as his mom comes out sees him sliding his hand up a mannequins skirt. "Get your hand out of there!" she shouts. "Don't you know that women have teeth down there?"

The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars he didn't ge...

What's the saddest thing to come out of Russia at Christmas?

Napoleon.

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What’s the smartest thing to ever come out of a woman’s mouth?

Albert Einstein’s dick

Loved the Korean zombie movie "Train to Busan" and can't wait for it's sequel to come out?

Then catch a train to Wuhan.

Why wouldn't the jelly come out of the jar?

It was jammed.

20 Years down the line, the truth about Jefferey Epstein will come out

His name was spelled Epstain the whole time

I am at the restaurant and the waiter doesn't come out.

Am I the waiter?

Just waiting for Steve Harvey to come out and say it's actually Clinton

any second now

What kind of bees come out at Halloween?

Boo bees

My wife shouted upstairs, "the sun's just come out."

My wife shouted upstairs, "the sun's just come out." I thought great, threw on some shorts and flip flops and shot down the stairs. I was rather shocked when I got down to find our lad holding hands with his mate Michael.

My 10 year old son just told me this: If you're American when you go in the bathroom, and you're American when you come out of the bathroom, then what are you IN the bathroom?

You're A Peein'

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If gays come out of the closet, where do straights come out of?

Compton

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Sherlock is waiting for Watson to come out of the bathroom.

Trying to pass the time, he decides to work out what is taking Watson so long. He makes a list of all the variables, and calculates the probability of each one. Finally, he comes to a conclusion.

"Are you constipated, Watson?"

"No shit, Sherlock!"

I decided to come out as non-binary

And changed my name to '2'

What was the worst thing to come out in 2017?

Kevin Spacey

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While waiting at the bus stop i saw a woman come out from a bus with her breast exposed...

Being a gentleman i told her about her ordeal


Woman: OH SHIT! I LEFT MY BABY IN THE BUS!

A customer walks into a bakery and orders a loaf of bread. As the baker wraps the loaf, the customer says, "You know, I bake my own bread at home, but they come out dense."

The baker looks up suspiciously and says, "Yeah, prove it."

Only good thing to have come out of my accident and becoming paraplegic is realising what my dream job is

Stand up comedian

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Is there any way to tell how your poop will come out? Runny or firm? Brown or green?

Or is it all by process of elimination?

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