UPJOKE
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Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?

Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.

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A young man decided it was time to come out to his family.

He was worried most about his grandmother, so he approached her in the kitchen.

"Grandma, I, uh, have to tell you something."

"Yes, sweety?"

"I, uh, I'm gay."

"Gay?" His heart stopped. "Does that mean you put men's things in your mouth?"

"Grandma!!!!"

"Wel...

If you go into a bathroom as an American, and you come out of a bathroom as an American, what are you when you're in the bathroom?

European

President Zelinski has come out with a plan to get the Russian Army out of Ukraine in 24 hours

It’s called operation “give them a full tank of gas”

A friend of mine called me and said, “Come out tonight, and I’ll show you a good time.”

Later, he ran the 100 metres in less than 12 seconds.

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I recently learned how to swallow a rope and have it come out the other end tied up in a bow.

I shit you knot.

I grew worried when my programmer wife hadn't come out of her office all day.

I entered found her hunched over her laptop. "Honey, everything okay?"

"I'm working on a production defect!" she replied, not looking away from her screen.

"I know how those are!" I sympathized, and left her to concentrate.

An hour later she came downstairs in tears, flushed. Sh...

I asked my dyslexic friend if his brother has come out of the closet yet, and apparently he has

He texted me he's in daniel.

A group of kids on street were calling their friend Johnny trough his window. "Johnny, come out to play!", "I can't, I'm sick." Johnny replied. "what's wrong with you?" kids asked.

I'm f*cking my sister. - said Johnny

A robber breaks into a house while the residents are away one dark night. Eager to see what he can loot, he quickly starts searching through cupboards and dressers, grabbing valuables with a trained eye. Suddenly, he hears a voice come out of nowhere. “Jesus is watching you.”

The criminal jumps, scared the residents are back, and freezes. After a few minutes of silence however, he assumes it was his imagination, and goes back to robbing. A couple minutes pass, before once again, the voice returns. “Jesus is watching you.” Quite confused, the thief searches the house and ...

The “A” went to the bathroom and come out an “E”.

It must have had a vowel movement.

What goes in mouth dry and hard and come out soft and sticky?

Chewing gum

When I was a kid you could walk into a shop with a quarter and come out with 2 cokes, 3 bags of chips and an Ice cream...

Nowadays, CCTV everywhere.

My wife said to come out of the closet already...

I said stop buying so many cute dresses then.

When I was younger, I used to go to the store with a dollar, and come out with a pop, a bag of chips and a pack of gums...

Now, they have cameras.

An inquisitive cowboy ambled into a blacksmith shop and picked up a horseshoe without realizing it had recently come out of the forge.

Dropping it, he shoved his burned hand into his pocket and tried to appear nonchalant.

“Kinda hot, ain’t it?” asked the blacksmith.

“Nope,” said the cowboy. “It just don’t take me long to look at a horseshoe.”

Half of us are gonna come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks

and the other half are gonna come out with a drinking problem.

Now that it's pride month, I finally have the courage to come out as Bi

All bi-myself.

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Police man: come out with your hands up!

Guy: *sticks hands up* I’m gay!

"I'm going to punch your house until you come out and talk to me!"

~ Guy who invented 'knocking'.

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How often does a poo come out in one piece?

About one turd of the time.

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My son adorably can't pronounce Ks and they always come out as Ts...

... it was all cute until he asked my neighbour if he could "stroke her titties".

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A man walks into the dentist office and after the dentist exam him , he says,that tooth has to come out. I’m going to give you a shot of Novacaine and I’ll be back in a few minutes.

The man grabs the dentist's arm, "no way. I hate needles I'm not having any shot!"

So the dentist says, "okay, we'll have to go with the gas."

The man replies, "absolutely not. It makes me very sick for a couple of days. I'm not having gas."

So the dentist steps out and comes ba...

The Tempur-pedic Mattress company has come out with a line of breast implants...

...They're mammary foam.

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A little boy goes shopping with his mom and is waiting outside the changing room for her to come out.

While waiting, the little boy gets bored and as his mom comes out sees him sliding his hand up a mannequins skirt. "Get your hand out of there!" she shouts. "Don't you know that women have teeth down there?"

The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars he didn't ge...

My boss asked me, "Why do you come out in a rash every time I give you your wages?"

I said, "Because I'm allergic to peanuts."

What's the saddest thing to come out of Russia at Christmas?

Napoleon.

Another good thing to come out of the Supreme Court forcing Trump to disclose his taxes

We're gonna finally learn if having teenage hookers pee on your face is claimed as entertainment expense or medical.

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What’s the smartest thing to ever come out of a woman’s mouth?

Albert Einstein’s dick

My wife shouted upstairs, "the sun's just come out."

My wife shouted upstairs, "the sun's just come out." I thought great, threw on some shorts and flip flops and shot down the stairs. I was rather shocked when I got down to find our lad holding hands with his mate Michael.

Why wouldn't the jelly come out of the jar?

It was jammed.

A young buffalo builds up the courage to finally come out to his father...

The father buffalo smiles and says, "thank you for confiding in me, I always thought you were bison."

Just waiting for Steve Harvey to come out and say it's actually Clinton

any second now

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Dad: Son, come out to the car.

Son: Car, I’m gay.

Dad: *tears up*

My 10 year old son just told me this: If you're American when you go in the bathroom, and you're American when you come out of the bathroom, then what are you IN the bathroom?

You're A Peein'

Loved the Korean zombie movie "Train to Busan" and can't wait for it's sequel to come out?

Then catch a train to Wuhan.

A father was expecting a baby and waiting for the doctor to come out.

Doctor came out and said it's the Spanish inquisition.

I go in hard but come out soft, and I never mind if you want to blow me. What am I?

Bubblegum.

What kind of bees come out at Halloween?

Boo bees

What was the worst thing to come out in 2017?

Kevin Spacey

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If gays come out of the closet, where do straights come out of?

Compton

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Sherlock is waiting for Watson to come out of the bathroom.

Trying to pass the time, he decides to work out what is taking Watson so long. He makes a list of all the variables, and calculates the probability of each one. Finally, he comes to a conclusion.

"Are you constipated, Watson?"

"No shit, Sherlock!"

A customer walks into a bakery and orders a loaf of bread. As the baker wraps the loaf, the customer says, "You know, I bake my own bread at home, but they come out dense."

The baker looks up suspiciously and says, "Yeah, prove it."

20 Years down the line, the truth about Jefferey Epstein will come out

His name was spelled Epstain the whole time

Only good thing to have come out of my accident and becoming paraplegic is realising what my dream job is

Stand up comedian

If you ate a ShamWow what would come out?

Shampoo

I decided to come out as non-binary

And changed my name to '2'

Mrs. Jones, can Tommy come out and play?

Now Billy you know Tommy doesn’t have arm or legs.

I know. We want to use him as second base.

I don’t understand how in the movie Frozen, Anna didn’t know that Elsa had magical powers, even though she was locked in her room for years and refused to come out

After all, she was clearly giving Anna the cold shoulder

What do you call it when lies come out of your ass?

Sham poo

Desperate for money, I robbed a bank today. My heart sank when I heard a voice boom, "This is the police! We have all the exits surrounded, so come out with your hands up!"

I escaped through the entrance...

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While waiting at the bus stop i saw a woman come out from a bus with her breast exposed...

Being a gentleman i told her about her ordeal


Woman: OH SHIT! I LEFT MY BABY IN THE BUS!

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Nike has come out with a bra that aids virgin boys.

Just Undo It.

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Why did the homosexual come out of the closet?

He found his shirt.

It only takes about 5 seconds to find a shirt...

Back in the day, if you had a quarter at a gas station you could come out with a canister of ice cream, or a few candy bars.

Now they have cameras.

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