A robber breaks into a house while the residents are away one dark night. Eager to see what he can loot, he quickly starts searching through cupboards and dressers, grabbing valuables with a trained eye. Suddenly, he hears a voice come out of nowhere. “Jesus is watching you.”

The criminal jumps, scared the residents are back, and freezes. After a few minutes of silence however, he assumes it was his imagination, and goes back to robbing. A couple minutes pass, before once again, the voice returns. “Jesus is watching you.” Quite confused, the thief searches the house and ...

Why did the Star Wars movies come out as 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3?

Yoda was in charge of the scheduling.

A young buffalo builds up the courage to finally come out to his father...

The father buffalo smiles and says, "thank you for confiding in me, I always thought you were bison."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into the dentist office and after the dentist exam him , he says,that tooth has to come out. I’m going to give you a shot of Novacaine and I’ll be back in a few minutes.

The man grabs the dentist's arm, "no way. I hate needles I'm not having any shot!"

So the dentist says, "okay, we'll have to go with the gas."

The man replies, "absolutely not. It makes me very sick for a couple of days. I'm not having gas."

So the dentist steps out and comes ba...

The Tempur-pedic Mattress company has come out with a line of breast implants...

...They're mammary foam.

Half of us is going to come out of this quarantine an amazing cook

Which will be beneficial in the funerals of the other half!

My boss asked me, "Why do you come out in a rash every time I give you your wages?"

I said, "Because I'm allergic to peanuts."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My son adorably can't pronounce Ks and they always come out as Ts...

... it was all cute until he asked my neighbour if he could "stroke her titties".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How often does a poo come out in one piece?

About one turd of the time.

You’re American when you go into a bathroom and when you come out, but what are you while you’re in the bathroom?

european

I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard. What am I?

>!Gum!<

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If I swallow two pieces of string, they will come out the other end tied together.

I shit you knot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little boy goes shopping with his mom and is waiting outside the changing room for her to come out.

While waiting, the little boy gets bored and as his mom comes out sees him sliding his hand up a mannequins skirt. "Get your hand out of there!" she shouts. "Don't you know that women have teeth down there?"

The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars he didn't ge...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dad: Son, come out to the car.

Son: Car, I’m gay.

Dad: *tears up*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the smartest thing to ever come out of a woman's mouth?

Einstein's cock.

20 Years down the line, the truth about Jefferey Epstein will come out

His name was spelled Epstain the whole time

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If gays come out of the closet, where do straights come out of?

Compton

Loved the Korean zombie movie "Train to Busan" and can't wait for it's sequel to come out?

Then catch a train to Wuhan.

What's the saddest thing to come out of Russia at Christmas?

Napoleon.

What kind of bees come out at Halloween?

Boo bees

Why wouldn't the jelly come out of the jar?

It was jammed.

"I'm going to punch your house until you come out and talk to me!"

~ Guy who invented 'knocking'.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Is there any way to tell how your poop will come out? Runny or firm? Brown or green?

Or is it all by process of elimination?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

While waiting at the bus stop i saw a woman come out from a bus with her breast exposed...

Being a gentleman i told her about her ordeal


Woman: OH SHIT! I LEFT MY BABY IN THE BUS!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sherlock is waiting for Watson to come out of the bathroom.

Trying to pass the time, he decides to work out what is taking Watson so long. He makes a list of all the variables, and calculates the probability of each one. Finally, he comes to a conclusion.

"Are you constipated, Watson?"

"No shit, Sherlock!"

My 10 year old son just told me this: If you're American when you go in the bathroom, and you're American when you come out of the bathroom, then what are you IN the bathroom?

You're A Peein'

Only good thing to have come out of my accident and becoming paraplegic is realising what my dream job is

Stand up comedian

Back in the day, if you had a quarter at a gas station you could come out with a canister of ice cream, or a few candy bars.

Now they have cameras.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the homosexual come out of the closet?

He found his shirt.

It only takes about 5 seconds to find a shirt...

How did Simba come out?

He stood on pride rock

Just waiting for Steve Harvey to come out and say it's actually Clinton

any second now

What was the worst thing to come out in 2017?

Kevin Spacey

If they come out with a new Captain America movie...

Can it be called Back in Black?

A customer walks into a bakery and orders a loaf of bread. As the baker wraps the loaf, the customer says, "You know, I bake my own bread at home, but they come out dense."

The baker looks up suspiciously and says, "Yeah, prove it."

What do you call it when lies come out of your ass?

Sham poo

Mrs. Jones, can Tommy come out and play?

Now Billy you know Tommy doesn’t have arm or legs.

I know. We want to use him as second base.

How does an elephant come out of a lake?

Wet.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.