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Not your average blonde joke

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is eas...

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If you only sucked average sized penises...

You could accurately say that you suck a mean dick.

Edit: The amount of upvotes on this post has exceeded the final recorded megawatt output from Chernobyl’s reactor number 4 on the morning of the Chernobyl disaster. (33,000)

The reactor was designed to operate at 3,200 megawatts.

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I just read that the average person has sex at least three times a week.

They must have a really well paying job. I can only afford it once a month!

What do you call an average radio?

Stereo typical

My thirteen-year-old came up with this and I promised to post it to Reddit.

What is the average internal body temperature of a Tauntaun

Luke Warm

Average things

In which factory do they make average things?

In a satisfactory.

My co-worker disagreed when I said Median is the best average

He's a mean person!

I read online today that humans, on average, eat more bananas than monkeys.

It's right you know. I cannot remember the last time I ate a monkey.

George Carlin once famously joked, "Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that."

Thanks to all those people wearing masks but leaving their noses fully exposed, the stupider half is now a lot easier to spot.

The average fox can jump higher than a house.

This is in part due to their powerful hind legs, but mainly because houses can't jump.

Credit: u/Ineedabarfbag saw in a comment

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Apparently the average person had sex 90 times this year...

...these last two weeks are going to be incredible!

Doctor: describe your average night

Patient: they wear suits of armor

Doctor: no, i mean at bed time

Patient: they probably take it off

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Statistics show that on average people have sex 89 times per year.

With that being said, I’m about to have a wild couple of days.

My math teacher called me average

How mean is that ?

The average American has gotten stronger over time

In 1990 it took two adults to carry $10 worth of groceries. Now a 5-year-old can do it.

What is the average height in Scotland?

Fife eleven

Why are Chernobyl residents smarter than the average person?

Because 2 heads are better than one.

Think of how dumb the average person is

Then remember half the world are dumberer then that.

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My crush keeps telling me my dick size is below average

I just don't understand how someone from my family could be so _mean_

Why was the student upset when his teacher called him average?

It’s a pretty mean thing to say!

An average Wookiee is 2.23-2.54 meters in height, weighs 100kg (female) or 150kg (male) and has a lifespan of 400 standard years

Those are Wookiee numbers

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I just read the average age to lose your virginity is 17 years old.

I’m finally above average for something.

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A young kid from Alabama moves to New York

He goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
He sits down, greets the manager and shakes his hand.
The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid replies, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Alabama"
They talk and get acquainted and the...

What do you call an average painter?

Picasso-so

I regret having called my statistics professor an average person.

I really didn't mean it.

Me: “You are the most average looking person I’ve ever seen”

Stranger: “you’re mean”

Me: “no, you are”

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What scale is an A below average and F above average?

Boobs!

I always thought I was average,

But according to math I'm just mean.

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The average human male ejaculation contains about 15.8 terabytes of information

That's a lot of information to swallow!

I'm so average

my favorite color is mediochre.

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A sperm cell contains about 37.5 MB of information. There are about 100 million sperm cells per ml; the average ejaculation is about 2.25ml, and takes about 5 seconds. This makes the average bandwidth of the human penis 1687 TB/sec

I know, that's a lot of information to swallow

The CDC is now recommending wearing TWO masks as a way to get a better seal around your nose and mouth.

It's also a good statistical approach to get the average American to wear ONE mask. (Sorry, that was a mean joke.)

The price of your average meat pie in Nicaragua, Panama, Dominica and Cubais $3. In Mexico, Honduras, Jamaica and Bahamas it lies around $2.79, and the cheapest at $1.79 can be found in Granada and Guatemala.

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

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What is the average man's most sensitive body part when masturbating?

The ears, so he can hear if he's about to be caught.

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What's the average penis size of law enforcement?

9mm

Told my blonde girlfriend that the average family in a third world country lives off just £1.25 a day.

She said, "And I thought you were frugal..."

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After a terrible cruise shipwreck, famous beauty and actress Scarlett Johansson finds herself alone on a deserted island. Hours pass, and only one other man makes it to the island with her. They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was, of course.

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed this guy learned how to provide food and shelter, and started taking care of her, and she took care of him in return. Eventually she started really caring about him. After all, there wasn't anyone else on the island. He eventually built a cabin, had a...

Studies show that sarcastic people die younger than the average person.

That’s just great.

If God isn't real, how do you explain how an average joe like me could marry a beautiful woman from Prague?

Czech mate, atheists

I've never understood averages.

Is that normal?

You know 95% of humans are dumber then average

and I’m very proud to be apart of that remaining 7% who are not.

How does 69 feel to the average Redditor?

nice

What do you call a smaller than average dog?

A subwoofer

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There was a man named Ray Berkowitz who, unfortunately for him, was not blessed in the looks department.

For a long time he thought he would never meet a woman. But one day he met a nice woman who was also far from pretty and they ended up getting married... and she got pregnant.

They decided that if it was a boy they were gonna name him Charles.

One day while Ray was out of town for work...

A friend once told me how many cars fit in a Walmart parking lot on average.

I don't remember the exact number but it was a lot.

I have average intelligence

Everyone else is stupid

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Three men, aged 40, 60 and 80, discuss their sex lives

The 40-year old says: "When my wife and I were just married, we'd do it every single day. Any position you could imagine. But now I'm lucky if we can average once a week".

The 60-year old man responds: "Once a week? Just wait till you get to my age. Once a month is what I consider an active s...

A police officer was facing a dilemma.

A handful of individuals were brought into the precinct, each with different amounts of cash and gold stuffed in their pockets. Some were professional heisters, others were just average con artists.

He was asked to distinguish between both groups based on how much they had hidden in their po...

What is the average number of inhabitants in a Swedish nursing home?

Can't say, that would be a mean joke.

An average performance

A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses five feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses five feet to the right. The statistician yells "We got 'em!”

I went to a local meet-up of Average Joes

...they were all pretty mean.

You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," the lawyer sneered at a witness on the stand.

"If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.

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The average speed of ejaculate leaving your body is 45 km/hr.

So *that's* why I got arrested in that school zone!

While Donald Trump is out there, causing a fuss, what is his opponent doing?

He is just waiting around like an average Joe, Biden his time.

What is the average temperature in China?

451° F

I'm always impressed when statisticians talk about averages.

It's so meaningful.

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The average stripper weighs 112lbs

According to one pole.

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Oh, Little Johnny

Little Johnny's teacher began the school year by announcing a new contest. Every Friday, 30 minutes before the final bell, she would ask the class a question. The first student to answer it right could leave early, and the rest of the class would take a quiz.

The first Friday, the teacher a...

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What's the worst part about having an average or above average sized penis?

I don't know either but it's good to know im not the only one around here with a tiny penis.

If the average human can walk about 3 mph, and my local corner store is a 1/4 mile away

Why has it taken my dad 15 years to get a pack of cigarettes?

How tall is the average diabetic person?

About as tall as the average person, minus two feet.

If Shrek had been an average movie, it would’ve been

Mediogre

A known and loved goverment official is going car to car

The whole of congress has been captured and terrorists are threatening to douse them in gasoline and burn them if we don't fork over $10,000,000,000

The man hands him a 10 and asks how much people donate on average.

Roughly a gallon was his reply.

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Car or Haircut

A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and enquired of his father, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car."
Well, t...

What happens if the average number of bullies at a school goes up?

The mean increases.

My friend is the most average person on the planet yet he loves to go around judging and criticising other people

He's really mean

Traffic in Washington, D.C.

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, D.C.

Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 mi...

The new U.S. President

Is not your average Joe.

[NSFW] The average length is 2 to 3 inches, while the African species can grow to over 11 inches.

Porcupine quills really are fascinating

The average couple argues 268 times a year...

It's actually 265, but try telling her that!

9 of the top 10 days to give birth fall between Sept. 9 and Sept. 20. Given that pregnancies last an average of about 38 weeks, this means many people are conceiving in December, around the holidays.

In other words, if you can't afford to give presents, get f**ked.

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Chemical Analysis of Women

Item: Chemical Analysis



Subject: Women



Symbol: Wo



Discovered by: Adam



Atomic Weight: Average expected as 150lb, but there are known isotopes ranging from 100lb to 250lb.


Occurrence: Surplus quanti...

Three prisoners of war have escaped and are running through a forest...

The smart one says, "They're catching up to us! Let's climb up a tree and make animal sounds so they don't hear us breathing."

As the first enemy soldiers pass underneath, the smart one says, "Cheep cheep."

As the next wave of potential captors goes by, the average intelligence POW hoo...

What's the average temperature at Motown Records?

Three Degrees, Four Tops.

This is the first time that a US president is named Joe.

Goes to show, it’s still not true that any average Joe can become president.

A statistician walks up to a girl in the bar

**Guy**: You're the most average girl out here.

**Girl**: Hey, you're mean!

**Guy**: No, you are.

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How much semen is in the average ejaculation?

A whole fuckload

What do you call an average audio system?

Stereotypical

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On average, an American man will have sex

two to three times a week; whereas a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. This is upsetting news to me. I had no idea I was Japanese.

How big is the average fence?

Around a yard.

Years ago, the average parents had 4 kids.

Now, the average kid has 4 parents.

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Government : "The average income is $62,850, so we're good."

It's the same logic like: "Your parents have average one testicle."

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Son: Dad, just how deep is the average vagina actually?

Dad: Deep enough for a man to lose his house, his car, his dog & half of his life savings.

What did the average University of Alabama student get on their SAT test?

Drool

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