The 97+ Best Average Jokes

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If you only sucked average sized penises...

You could accurately say that you suck a mean dick.

Edit: The amount of upvotes on this post has exceeded the final recorded megawatt output from Chernobyl’s reactor number 4 on the morning of the Chernobyl disaster. (33,000)

The reactor was designed to operate at 3,200 megawatts.

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An average looking man walks into a bar.

A beautiful woman approaches him. The woman asks the man, "How would you like to get out of here?" and the man is stunned.
He never thought a woman like her would ever approach him, so he agreed.
They both get into his car and drive really far.
He stops at a cliff with the vi...

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What did the man with the average size penis say while getting a blowjob?

You suck a mean dick

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Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year

Today's going to be great!

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A sperm cell contains about 37.5 MB of information. There are about 100 million sperm cells per ml; the average ejaculation is about 2.25ml, and takes about 5 seconds. This makes the average bandwidth of the human penis 1687 TB/sec

I know, that's a lot of information to swallow.

My math teacher called me average...

How mean.

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Three married men sit at a bar. one ugly, one average, and one handsome

The conversation shifts to their love lives.

The first, ugly man says "My wife nor I are all that nice to look at, but we have a loving relationship with great communication. We both cook and clean and take care of each other. In fact, since we have trouble looking at each other in bed, we've...

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On average, an American man will have sex

two to three times a week; whereas a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. This is upsetting news to me. I had no idea I was Japanese.

Why are married people on average heavier than single people?

A single person goes to the fridge, takes a look what's there, sighs, and goes to bed.

A married one goes to bed, sees what's there, sighs, and goes to the fridge.

Why does nobody ever talk about how tall the average dwarf is?

Because it’s a little mean.

I read online today that humans, on average, eat more bananas than monkeys.

It's right you know. I cannot remember the last time I ate a monkey.

Went on a date last weekend this woman and afterwards I said "wow, you're the most average girl I've ever date".

"you are mean!" She replied.

I said "no, you are".

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An average person has sex 300 times a year.

The next 10 days are gonna be sick.

Where are average things manufactured?

At the satisfactory.

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Not your average blonde joke

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is eas...

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Did you know that the average ejaculation contains nearly 16,000 MB of data?

I don't know if I can stomach this information...

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The average male ejaculates after approximately four minutes.

Call me a prude all you want, but I think that's far too young.

Did you know the white-tail deer can jump higher than the average house?

This is due to its powerful hind legs and the fact the average house can't jump.

George Carlin once famously joked, "Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that."

Thanks to all those people wearing masks but leaving their noses fully exposed, the stupider half is now a lot easier to spot.

What’s the difference between a calendar and a average Redditor?

Calendars have dates

It's a well known fact that humorists are more intelligent than the run of the mill average joe on the street. It's also a well known fact that it's not always a good idea to flaunt those extra smarts.

One day, the royal court was lounging around in a bored state. Without thinking, the jester suddenly voiced an opinion, "You know, there are times when the apology for an offense is worse than the original action."

The king immediately glowers and says, "If you can't prove that, Jester, I thi...

What do you call five C Average students?

A Texan graduation ceremony.

America believes in education: the average professor earns more money in a year

than a professional athlete earns in a whole day.

The average horse weighs 1000lbs and has a 20 inch D. That’s a ratio of 50lbs to 1 inch.

So an average man weighing 200lbs only needs a 4 inch D to be hung like a horse.

Be proud fellas

If Shrek had been an average movie, it would’ve been

Mediogre

If God isn't real, how do you explain how an average joe like me could marry a beautiful woman from Prague?

Czech mate, atheists

An average boy gets home from school and shows his mother his report card.

An average boy gets home from school and shows his mother his report card. The mother opens it and sees all "B"s and "C"s and is disappointed with her son. She heard from a friend that the nearby church school does a great job at fixing people right up, so she decides to send her son there.

A...

Studies show that 75 percent of blondes have lower-than-average intelligence.

Luckily, I’m a blonde and I’m in the remaining 35%

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The average male ejaculation occurs at 28 Miles per hour

Which makes it illegal in school zones

Did you know that if you take all the blood vessels from an average size human body and lay them out end to end

You'll go to prison for a very long time.

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Did you know in the average friend group, one in ten people are gay?

I hope it’s Noah, he’s so cute.

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Did you know that Flemish people are consistently rated as highly attractive, but have a low average IQ?

Stupid sexy Flanders.

What do you call a medical school student who graduates with the lowest grade point average in his class?

A doctor

My house and a grocery store are 15 miles apart and it takes an average person to walk 1 mile per hour

Why does it take my dad more than 19 years to get to the store and back?

I’m not sure how fast the average horse can run

I think I should conduct a gallop poll.

Doctor: describe your average night

Patient: they wear suits of armor

Doctor: no, i mean at bed time

Patient: they probably take it off

A 2006 study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.

Another recent study found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.
That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles per gallon.

Not Bad.

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Did you know the average blue whale has a 6 foot long penis and can produce more than 20 pounds of semen?

Turns out KFC isn’t the only animal that comes in buckets.

I went to a Trump rally the other day, and the only thing higher than the average IQ of the crowd...

Was the average BMI.

My friend told me that on average, it is very easy to find a friend like me.

I told him he's being mean.

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I heard that as a 40 yo. guy, I should have sex on average 53 times a year.

December is gonna be awesome!

The average life expectancy of alligators is about 50 years...

So there is no rush, you indeed can see it later.

The average American has gotten stronger over time

In 1990 it took two adults to carry $10 worth of groceries. Now a 5-year-old can do it.

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I just read the average age to lose your virginity is 17 years old.

I’m finally above average for something.

I got a boot on my car for what I thought were just average parking tickets.

As it turns out, they were outstanding.

What do you call an average radio?

Stereo typical

My thirteen-year-old came up with this and I promised to post it to Reddit.

Have you heard about Big Al's younger brother who was just average.

Have you heard about Big Al's younger brother who was just average.

I've heard he's Norm Al.

the say the average redditor doesn't exercise, but they're wrong!

I just spent an hour jumping *to conclusions* and running *my mouth*!

If the average human can walk about 3 mph, and my local corner store is a 1/4 mile away

Why has it taken my dad 15 years to get a pack of cigarettes?

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What do you call a weatherman with a larger-than-average penis?

A Meatier-ologist

Why are Chernobyl residents smarter than the average person?

Because 2 heads are better than one.

The average hotdog machine will have 547,500 wieners in it and catch 4,277 gallons of juice in its trap during its lifetime.

Just like your mother.

Mr. Pott was an average man, with an extraordinary skin condition

One day Mr. Pott (legend says his first name was Arthur) went to the doctor to get his skin checked out. He said "Doctor, I have a very odd skin condition. Multiple times a day, my skin will puff up and get all red almost instantly, with no warning."

The doctor thought this was very odd, and ...

Survey finds that 1 in 3 Republicans are of below average IQ

The other two are Russian Hackers.

My co-worker disagreed when I said Median is the best average

He's a mean person!

Think of how dumb the average person is

Then remember half the world are dumberer then that.

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The average stripper weighs 112lbs

According to one pole.

What do you call three average white guys?

A podcast

What does the average Alabama football player get on his SATs?

Drool

An average American voter walks into a bar ...

... and sees Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton huddled together at the end of the bar, whispering to one another. Intrigued, the voter approaches the pair and asks them what they are doing.

"We're planning the 2016 election," brags Trump.

"What's going to be different about it this yea...

Average joke

3 teachers, Science, Auto shop, and Mathematics, go hunting together over their winter vacation. They come across an enormous 6 point buck. The science teacher who saw it first takes aim. He fires and misses by 3 feet to left. The auto shop teacher shoulders him asside and says, " this is how you do...

I don't like average looking boys.

They are quite 'mean'.

What is the average temperature in China?

451° F

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What is the average man's most sensitive body part when masturbating?

The ears, so he can hear if he's about to be caught.

You're so average

The International Bureau of Weights and Measures offered you a permanent position.

What happens if the average number of bullies at a school goes up?

The mean increases.

What is the average internal body temperature of a Tauntaun

Luke Warm

When people talk about the "average citizen" I always get confused.

Is that normal?

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New study shows the average person has 8 sexual partners in their life.

However it is being criticized for counting your mom who has sex with 30 new people a day and is therefore a statistical outlier.

This girl just told me I was average in bed.

Guess that makes both of us mean.

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I just read that the average person has sex at least three times a week.

They must have a really well paying job. I can only afford it once a month!

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Not your average dick joke

What does the Pink Panther and a male prostitute have in common?

They’re both Peter Sellers.

Scientists have discovered exactly how much sleep an average person needs.

Just 5 minutes more.

Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people.

So overweight people are now average, which means you have met your New Year's resolution.

Happy new year!

I read today that the Prime Minister of Australia receives in the mail, on average, two parcels each week that contain human excrement.

I wonder who's sending the other one?

How does 69 feel to the average Redditor?

nice

How big is the average fence?

Around a yard.

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Son: Dad, just how deep is the average vagina actually?

Dad: Deep enough for a man to lose his house, his car, his dog & half of his life savings.

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The average man ejaculates at 20mph.

But despite this, that apparently doesn't mean it's OK to do it outside a school.

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They say the average man thinks about sex every 6 seconds

That's why I try to eat hotdogs in 5

The average couple argues 268 times a year...

It's actually 265, but try telling her that!

What's the difference between the foundation of a building and the average Redittor?

The foundation's been laid.

An average Wookiee is 2.23-2.54 meters in height, weighs 100kg (female) or 150kg (male) and has a lifespan of 400 standard years

Those are Wookiee numbers

This girl who I was on a date with told me I looked pretty average.

What a mean thing to say.

What do you call an overweight average ogre eating beef flavored yogurt?

A mediocre meaty ogre eating meaty yogurt.

What is the average height in Scotland?

Fife eleven

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"The average woman will receive verbal abuse six times a day," said my wife.

I said, "Honey, you're not the average woman. You're a million times what the average woman is."

"Aww, thanks babe," she replied.

I said, "It wasn't a compliment. Lose some fucking weight."

You know 95% of humans are dumber then average

and I’m very proud to be apart of that remaining 7% who are not.

What is the average grade of a pirate in college?

High C's

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How many cocks can the average man fit in his ass?

I don't know, but I'm not allowed at my uncle's farm anymore.

Years ago, the average parents had 4 kids.

Now, the average kid has 4 parents.

Me: “You are the most average looking person I’ve ever seen”

Stranger: “you’re mean”

Me: “no, you are”

Two mathematicians are in a bar

The first one says to the second that the average person knows very little about basic mathematics. The second one disagrees, and claims that most people can cope with a reasonable amount of math.

The first mathematician goes off to the washroom, and in his absence the second calls over the w...

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The average speed of ejaculate leaving your body is 45 km/hr.

So *that's* why I got arrested in that school zone!

An average performance

A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses five feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses five feet to the right. The statistician yells "We got 'em!”

[NSFW] The average length is 2 to 3 inches, while the African species can grow to over 11 inches.

Porcupine quills really are fascinating

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A young Geordie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?" The young man answered "Aye, I was a canny salesman back in Newcastle."

The manager liked the Geordie so he gave him the job. His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK,...... so how many sales did you make today?" The Geordie said "Just the one like" The manager groaned an...

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