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Average Jokes

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If you only sucked average sized penises...

You could accurately say that you suck a mean dick.

Edit: The amount of upvotes on this post has exceeded the final recorded megawatt output from Chernobyl’s reactor number 4 on the morning of the Chernobyl disaster. (33,000)

The reactor was designed to operate at 3,200 megawatts.

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If you only sucked average sized penises

You could accurately say that you suck a mean dick

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An average looking man walks into a bar.

A beautiful woman approaches him. The woman asks the man, "How would you like to get out of here?" and the man is stunned. He never thought a woman like her would ever approach him, so he agreed.


They both get into his car and drive really far.


He stops at a cliff with the...

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Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year

Today's going to be great!

My math teacher called me average...

How mean.

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On average, an American man will have sex

two to three times a week; whereas a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. This is upsetting news to me. I had no idea I was Japanese.

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Three married men sit at a bar. one ugly, one average, and one handsome

The conversation shifts to their love lives.

The first, ugly man says "My wife nor I are all that nice to look at, but we have a loving relationship with great communication. We both cook and clean and take care of each other. In fact, since we have trouble looking at each other in bed, we've...

Why are married people on average heavier than single people?

A single person goes to the fridge, takes a look what's there, sighs, and goes to bed.

A married one goes to bed, sees what's there, sighs, and goes to the fridge.

Where are average things manufactured?

At the satisfactory.

Why does nobody ever talk about how tall the average dwarf is?

Because it’s a little mean.

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Not your average blonde joke

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is eas...

I read online today that humans, on average, eat more bananas than monkeys.

It's right you know. I cannot remember the last time I ate a monkey.

What do you call a 60 year old striker who averages 3 goals a game?

Jerry-hat-trick

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An average person has sex 300 times a year.

The next 10 days are gonna be sick.

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A sperm cell contains about 37.5 MB of information. There are about 100 million sperm cells per ml; the average ejaculation is about 2.25ml, and takes about 5 seconds. This makes the average bandwidth of the human penis 1687 TB/sec

I know, that's a lot of information to swallow.

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The average male ejaculates after approximately four minutes.

Call me a prude all you want, but I think that's far too young.

Did you know the white-tail deer can jump higher than the average house?

This is due to its powerful hind legs and the fact the average house can't jump.

Went on a date last weekend this woman and afterwards I said "wow, you're the most average girl I've ever date".

"you are mean!" She replied.

I said "no, you are".

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Did you know that the average ejaculation contains nearly 16,000 MB of data?

I don't know if I can stomach this information...

What do you call five C Average students?

A Texan graduation ceremony.

What’s the difference between a calendar and a average Redditor?

Calendars have dates

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The average male ejaculation occurs at 28 Miles per hour

Which makes it illegal in school zones

If Shrek had been an average movie, it would’ve been

Mediogre

An average boy gets home from school and shows his mother his report card.

An average boy gets home from school and shows his mother his report card. The mother opens it and sees all "B"s and "C"s and is disappointed with her son. She heard from a friend that the nearby church school does a great job at fixing people right up, so she decides to send her son there.

A...

Studies show that 75 percent of blondes have lower-than-average intelligence.

Luckily, I’m a blonde and I’m in the remaining 35%

Doctor: describe your average night

Patient: they wear suits of armor

Doctor: no, i mean at bed time

Patient: they probably take it off

America believes in education: the average professor earns more money in a year

than a professional athlete earns in a whole day.

George Carlin once famously joked, "Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that."

Thanks to all those people wearing masks but leaving their noses fully exposed, the stupider half is now a lot easier to spot.

What do you call an average radio?

Stereo typical

My thirteen-year-old came up with this and I promised to post it to Reddit.

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The average person

Has one testicle

Average joke

3 teachers, Science, Auto shop, and Mathematics, go hunting together over their winter vacation. They come across an enormous 6 point buck. The science teacher who saw it first takes aim. He fires and misses by 3 feet to left. The auto shop teacher shoulders him asside and says, " this is how you do...

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Did you know in the average friend group, one in ten people are gay?

I hope it’s Noah, he’s so cute.

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The average stripper weighs 112lbs

According to one pole.

The average American has gotten stronger over time

In 1990 it took two adults to carry $10 worth of groceries. Now a 5-year-old can do it.

I have a fondness for "technically true" jokes, like these:

Did you know that the average person has an above-average number of legs? After all, most people have two legs, while a few have none.


Did you know that if you shuffle a deck of cards, the resulting order has likely never existed before in the history of the universe?



Eve...

You're so average

The International Bureau of Weights and Measures offered you a permanent position.

The average horse weighs 1000lbs and has a 20 inch D. That’s a ratio of 50lbs to 1 inch.

So an average man weighing 200lbs only needs a 4 inch D to be hung like a horse.

Be proud fellas

The average life expectancy of alligators is about 50 years...

So there is no rush, you indeed can see it later.

A 2006 study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.

Another recent study found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.
That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles per gallon.

Not Bad.

the say the average redditor doesn't exercise, but they're wrong!

I just spent an hour jumping *to conclusions* and running *my mouth*!

If God isn't real, how do you explain how an average joe like me could marry a beautiful woman from Prague?

Czech mate, atheists

I’m not sure how fast the average horse can run

I think I should conduct a gallop poll.

I don't like average looking boys.

They are quite 'mean'.

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I just read the average age to lose your virginity is 17 years old.

I’m finally above average for something.

What is the average temperature in China?

451° F

Think of how dumb the average person is

Then remember half the world are dumberer then that.

What's common between an average redditor getting a hanky panky and FDR?

They both only lasted one stroke.

Why are Chernobyl residents smarter than the average person?

Because 2 heads are better than one.

The average paid athlete weighs more than the average felon

The pros outweigh the cons

Mr. Pott was an average man, with an extraordinary skin condition

One day Mr. Pott (legend says his first name was Arthur) went to the doctor to get his skin checked out. He said "Doctor, I have a very odd skin condition. Multiple times a day, my skin will puff up and get all red almost instantly, with no warning."

The doctor thought this was very odd, and ...

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Did you know that Flemish people are consistently rated as highly attractive, but have a low average IQ?

Stupid sexy Flanders.

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Not your average dick joke

What does the Pink Panther and a male prostitute have in common?

They’re both Peter Sellers.

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A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky
enough to be seated next to an absolutely
gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos
and he notices she is reading a manual about
sexual statistics.

He asks her about it and she
replies, "This is a very interesting book about
sexua...

What do you call three average white guys?

A podcast

You're the most average girl here

Girl: wow you're mean
Guy: no, you are

Have you heard about Big Al's younger brother who was just average.

Have you heard about Big Al's younger brother who was just average.


I've heard he's Norm Al.

Did you know that if you take all the blood vessels from an average size human body and lay them out end to end

You'll go to prison for a very long time.

An average American voter walks into a bar ...

... and sees Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton huddled together at the end of the bar, whispering to one another. Intrigued, the voter approaches the pair and asks them what they are doing.

"We're planning the 2016 election," brags Trump.

"What's going to be different about it this yea...

An average performance

A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses five feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses five feet to the right. The statistician yells "We got 'em!”

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What's the worst part about having an average or above average sized penis?

I don't know either but it's good to know im not the only one around here with a tiny penis.

Survey finds that 1 in 3 Republicans are of below average IQ

The other two are Russian Hackers.

My co-worker disagreed when I said Median is the best average

He's a mean person!

I got a boot on my car for what I thought were just average parking tickets.

As it turns out, they were outstanding.

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The average man ejaculates at 20mph.

But despite this, that apparently doesn't mean it's OK to do it outside a school.

"I feel so average"

Tom said meanly

How big is the average fence?

Around a yard.

I'm so average

my favorite color is mediochre.

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What do you call a weatherman with a larger-than-average penis?

A Meatier-ologist

What does the average Alabama football player get on his SATs?

Drool

My friend told me that on average, it is very easy to find a friend like me.

I told him he's being mean.

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What is the average man's most sensitive body part when masturbating?

The ears, so he can hear if he's about to be caught.

I have average intelligence

Everyone else is stupid

I've never understood averages.

Is that normal?

What is the average internal body temperature of a Tauntaun

Luke Warm

How does 69 feel to the average Redditor?

nice

What is the average height in Scotland?

Fife eleven

The average couple argues 268 times a year...

It's actually 265, but try telling her that!

I went to a Trump rally the other day, and the only thing higher than the average IQ of the crowd...

Was the average BMI.

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If I had a penny for every time someone called me sexist...

I'd probably be earning more than the average woman.

This girl just told me I was average in bed.

Guess that makes both of us mean.

When people talk about the "average citizen" I always get confused.

Is that normal?

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks,
"What's going on?"


"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fir...

Years ago, the average parents had 4 kids.

Now, the average kid has 4 parents.

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Son: Dad, just how deep is the average vagina actually?

Dad: Deep enough for a man to lose his house, his car, his dog & half of his life savings.

Scientists have discovered exactly how much sleep an average person needs.

Just 5 minutes more.

What happens if the average number of bullies at a school goes up?

The mean increases.

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Did you know the average blue whale has a 6 foot long penis and can produce more than 20 pounds of semen?

Turns out KFC isn’t the only animal that comes in buckets.

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The average penis has......

been in and around my ex-girlfriend’s mouth.

Fuck you, Karen!

You know 95% of humans are dumber then average

and I’m very proud to be apart of that remaining 7% who are not.

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They say the average man thinks about sex every 6 seconds

That's why I try to eat hotdogs in 5

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.

The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What does two plus two equal?" The mathematician replies "Four." The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says...

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How much semen is in the average ejaculation?

A whole fuckload

Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people.

So overweight people are now average, which means you have met your New Year's resolution.


Happy new year!

How tall is the average diabetic person?

About as tall as the average person, minus two feet.

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