UPJOKE

### If I won \$1.28B, I’d give a quarter of it to charity.

Not sure what I’d do with the other \$1,279,999,999.75 though.

### If I had a quarter for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks...

Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.

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### Steve dates a girl for the first time

Unfortunately, he doesn't know anything about sex, so he fears that it could get serious

Desperate he asks his friend Tom, a real Casanova, for some tips

Tom thinks for a little bit and says:
"Alright, if you want to please a girl, its all about movement. Let's do an exercise!"
<...

### I asked someone in the street: is that half moon a first quarter or a third quarter?

He replied: Sorry, I'm a tourist here, I don't know this sky.

### A quarter, dime and penny walk into a bar...

Just wait this joke is going to make a lot of cents.

### When someone says to me, "A penny for your thoughts?" I ask for a quarter

It makes more cents.

### A soldier defied a superior officer and was confined to quarters

He had to turn in his pennies, nickels, dimes, and all paper money.

Damn inflation

Oof!

### *It's raining penny's and quarters*

Me:WTF is this

Climate:Change

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### A guy walks into a bar and asks for a beer

"That'll be five dollars", says the bartender, and the guy throws 20 quarters onto the floor. Reluctantly, the bartender picks up the coins and serves the beer.

The next day, the guy comes into the bar, asks for a beer, throws 20 quarters onto the floor, etc.

The next day, again.
...

### A mathematician stumbles home drunk at 3 a.m.

...and his wife is livid.

“You SWORE that you’d be home by 11:45!”

"No," slurs the mathematician...

“I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”

### I hate when people say “It’s a quarter till 9”

Just say 8:75pm like us normal people…

### A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same...

### A infinite number of mathematicians go into a bar...

The first one orders one beer. The second one half of a beer. The next a quarter, the next one eighth, and so on...
The barkeeper is very annoyed and gives all of them together two beer.

### A mathematician comes home at three in the morning.

His wife has been waiting for him and says angrily, "You're late. You said you'd be home at 11:45!"

"Actually," the mathematician replies, "I said I'd be home at a quarter of 12."

### A mathematician comes home from a symposium to be met at the door by his furious wife.

"What's the big idea, coming home at three in the morning in this state?" she yells.

"Dear," says the moderately refreshed gentleman, "what time did I say I would be home?"

"Quarter of twelve, that's what you said!" screams the wife.

"...Well?" demands the mathematician.

### An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...

The doctor asked the man how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, "things are great, and I've never felt better! I now have a 20-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that, doc?"

The doctor considered the question for a minute, and then began to tell a sto...

### I heard 50 Cent wasn’t expected at the half time show

I didn’t think it was a surprise he came out after two quarters

A wish.

### I like to hand out quarters at rallies and protests

Because they're always begging for change

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### A Jewish man buys a lottery ticket and wins.

After the news heard about this amazing stroke of luck, they went to go and interview him.

The news reporter asked, "Mr. Goldberg, you have just won \$1 million. What are you going to do with all this money?"

The Jewish man responds with, "Well, I'm going to give half of it to my family...

### If I won the Mega Millions valued at 750 million today, I would donate a quarter to charity.

Not sure what I would do with the other 749,999,999.75 dollars though.

### There are four quarters in the Superbowl

Thats why they had 50 cent at halftime

### Garbage can

An old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school.

He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment.

Then a new school year began.

The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came dow...

### A quarter dies and goes to heaven

At his arrival at the gates of heaven, the Lord himself welcomes him while angels play the trumpets. The quarter doesn't believe his eyes as he is being given the most beautiful cloud of all whith riches and food and honey for eternity.

The next day the one hundred dollar bill dies. He also ...

### A tree fell and destroyed a quarter of my roof yesterday.

oof

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### A 12 year old boy walks into a barber shop

Once he arrives, the barber turns to a customer and says "check this kid out, he's the dumbest person I've ever seen. Here, watch this".

The barber then pulls out a dollar bill in one hand and 2 quarters in the other. "Hey Johnny, go ahead and pick which amount of money you want".

The...

Loose change.

### I made my own identical copy of Disney Land and only charge visitors a quarter of what Disney does.

It’s more fun than it has any rights to be.

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### A powerful Emperor advertised for a new Chief Samurai. Only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish Samurai,

Number One Samurai, "Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor.

The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box, and released a fly. He drew his samurai sword and "swish"; the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two!

"What a feat!" said the Emperor. "Number Two Sam...

### If you give a cactus a quarter...

It will gamble for a day. If you give a cactus a job, it will gamble its wife and kids away.

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A Canadian a Russian and a French guys are all armed with pistols and sitting around a camp fire.
The Russian pulls out a full bottle of Vodka, opens it and drinks about a quarter of it. He then throws it up into the air, draws his gun and shoot it.

The Russ...

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### A priest goes to the mechanic

He tells the mechanic, "hey, I just brought in my car last week, and since you guys worked on it, it's leaking oil all over my garage." The mechanic says, "my apologies father, we'll make sure we get it right this time, come back tomorrow, and we'll have it tip-top for you." The priest returns the f...

### As a mother was bribing her little boy with a quarter so he would behave,

“Why do I always have to pay you to be good? Why can't you be good for nothing like your dad?"

REE

### If I had a quarter everytime I got told I suck at math..

I’d have \$10,43 right now.

### If I win 1million lottery I'm gonna give quarter to charity.

Then I'm gonna keep the \$999999.75 for myself

### The double quarter pounder with cheese from McDonald’s holds a special place in my heart.

Mainly in the Coronary artery.

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### Three Commanding Officers are sitting in the Officer's Quarters aboard an Aircraft Carrier.

A Marine Colonel, A Navy Lieutenant Commander overseeing the SEAL aboard the ship, and an Army Major overseeing the Rangers aboard. The Colonel turns to the other officers and says, "My men are braver than your men." The other two turn to him and say "Yeah, well prove it."

The Colonel calls i...

### Whats the difference between a quarter and the G spot?

My uncle never found a G spot behind my ear.

### A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are stuck on an island

The redhead tries to swim back to land, gets a quarter of the way there, gets tired, and swims back.

The brunette decides to try, swims a third of the way there, gets tired, and swims back.

Finally the blonde tries, swims half of the way there, gets tired, swims back.

### Two quarters aren’t worth much....

But 50 Cent is worth about \$30 million

### Today I thought I had a quarter in my shoe which didn’t make sense

Turns out it was a nickel which made even less cents.

### Today, Ronald McDonald put a quarter in my expired parking meter ...

what a kind jester!

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### Three sailors are discussing their cargo

They are used to transporting goods and make a good living doing so, this time however they've been tasked with taking 300 boxes of penis shaped potatoes across the channel and they all think it's a joke.

"We'll be a laughing stock" says the first sailor.

"I'll never be able to live ...

### If you need to borrow a quarter at school who do you ask?

The exchange students.

### Where do you get quarters for laundry whem you in the hood?

The liquor store!

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### Heard in Townes Van Zandt’s Live at the Old Quarter album

There’s this drunk walking down the street, and he walks up to this cop and says, “Man, somebody stole my car.” The cop says, “Well, where was it?” And he says, “It was right on the end of this key.”

The cop says, “There’s not much I can do for you, but why don’t you go down to the precinct ...

### I flipped a quarter

I told my girlfriend to call it. She clapped her hands and said, "come here Quarter!"

### If I got a quarter for every time a situation confused me ...

... I'd say, "Hey! Why's everyone giving me all these quarters?"

### What do they call a Double Quarter Pounder with cheese, large fries, and a Diet Coke in France?

"The American Weight Loss Plan."

### My wife found a quarter on the floor of our bedroom. She asked, "What's this for?"

Apparently, "That's for last night" was not the correct answer.

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### Chris Pratt, Jesus, and Hitler are sitting in a bar...

Jesus, Chris Pratt, and Hitler are sitting at a bar drinkin' a few brews.

Jesus says, "Hey we should all try and get in the Guinness Book of World Records!"

To which Chris Pratt replies, "Yeah, I bet I could get in it for most loved person in history."

Jesus then says, "and I be...

### A nun goes to the priest and says "father, there's a hole in the roof of your church."

"Thank you for telling me," he replies "but you've been here for years, it's our church."

The next day the nun goes to the priest and says "father, there's a broken window in your- I mean, our, church." He thanks her again and calls for a repairman.

The following day the priest is prep...

### What do you call a kennel made of pennies, dimes, and quarters?

A Nickel-less Cage

### Doctor: Nurse, how is that little boy doing, the one who swallowed ten quarters?

Nurse: No change yet.

### Apple better watch its quarterly earnings, its latest iPhone has competition

It's called Charmin Ultra Soft

### I recently won \$500,000 and decided to give a quarter of it to charity.

I just don’t know what I’m gonna do with the other \$499,999.75 though

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### I read that 18th century scrambled eggs called for a quarter pound of butter

That recipe sure had a pretty large margarine of error.

### I went to the Atlanta Falcons locker room to get some change for a dollar...

But they only gave me 3 quarters.

### I tossed a quarter at my girlfriend...

"Ouch, that hit me in the head!"

I look back and reply, "good, maybe that'll knock some cents into you"

I'll see myself out.

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### I was amazed to learn that one quarter of women dislike giving oral sex.

25%. Mind blowing.

### Old McGregor….

Dropped a quarter in the toilet by mistake.

He looked at it for a few moments then threw in a dime and said “I’d no reach in there for a quarter, but I would for thirty-five cents.”

### If I had a quarter for everytime I didn't know what was happening

I'd be asking "why am I getting all these quarters?"

### “If you had a quarter," quizzed the teacher," and you asked your father for another dollar and fifty cents, how much money would you have?"

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### When they said I was gonna be hung, drawn and quartered...

I've gotta admit, I didn't expect a penis enlarger, a professional sketch and my own room on a ship.

### My friend said she was only taking Women's Studies courses this quarter

It sounds like a broad curriculum to me.

### What's the difference between a NY Jets fan, and a guy in an Aldi parking lot?

The guy at Aldi gets a quarter back.

### A man takes his place in the theatre, but his seat is too far from the stage.

He whispers to the usher "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat and I'll give you a handsome tip". The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter. The usher looks at the quarter in his hand, leans over and whispers "The wife d...

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### If I had a quarter for every pussy I've touched....

I would have enough money to buy them a new bag of cat food.

### A quarter acre of undeveloped land may not seem like much to some people,

But to me it's a lot.

### Dice. My favorite Dice rhyme: "Jack 'n Jill went up the hill, both wit a buck 'n a quarter..."

... Jill came down wit two fifty

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### The year is 2222 and John and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.

John asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.

'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.

The Martian resp...

Moo.