Doctor asks nurse: How is that little boy doing, the one who swallowed 10 quarters?

Nurse: No change yet.

For a dollar, a change-maker will get you four quarters, or ten dimes, or twenty nickels...

That makes cents, right?

If I won 298 million, I'd give a quarter of it to charity.

...I'm not sure what I'd do with the other $297,999,999.75 though.

Back in the day, if you had a quarter at a gas station you could come out with a canister of ice cream, or a few candy bars.

Now they have cameras.

My friend was mad that I had to ask him for a quarter for the hundredth time to pay the parking meter. He asked why I never have any on me.

I told him I’ve never carried any coins before and I don’t ever plan to start. I don’t like change.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So this blonde girl was playing in a casino, and put a quarter in a machine...

... and she gets nothing.

She put a second quarter in, she gets nothing again.

She put a third quarter in the same machine, still nothing.

She decided to give that machine one last go before she goes to another machine. She puts the quarter in, press the button, and yell: **''Ye...

A woman made a 20¢ copy at my library and paid with a quarter, but told me to keep the change.

"Nobody wants nickel back."

I remember when I was a kid and air pumps at gas stations were free, now they cost a quarter

Damn inflation

A young boy enters a barber shop...

...and the barber whispers to his customer. ‘This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you.’ The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, ‘Which do you want, son?’ The boy takes the quarters and leaves. ‘What did I tell...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar and asks for a beer

"That'll be five dollars", says the bartender, and the guy throws 20 quarters onto the floor. Reluctantly, the bartender picks up the coins and serves the beer.

The next day, the guy comes into the bar, asks for a beer, throws 20 quarters onto the floor, etc.

The next day, again.
...

Someone chopped off the top quarter of my tree.

REE

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As a young boy I was blessed with a nine and three quarter inch penis....

Unfortunately it belonged to Father O'Malley!!

I recently won $500,000 and decided to give a quarter of it to charity.

I just don’t know what I’m gonna do with the other $499,999.75 though

You know what they call Fortnite in America?

They call it a quarter battle with cheese.

Today my son threw a quarter in the well at the mall and said "I wish my dad was dead." And because of his attitide we went home without buying anything.

When we got to our house we saw an ambulance and the coroner at Jim's house, apparently he had a freak heart attack about thirty minutes before hand, it was odd because he was a personal trainer and in great shape, my wife seemed real upset by his passing. Though it was strange because I've never ev...

If I had $20 million, I would donate a quarter of it to charity....

I’m not sure what I would do with the remaining 19,999,999.75

What do you call a prison cell with a quarter, penny, and a dime in it?

A Nicolas Cage.

If you give a cactus a quarter...

It will gamble for a day. If you give a cactus a job, it will gamble its wife and kids away.

In response to his ex-wife taking The Giving Pledge, Jeff Bezos announced he is giving three quarters of his fortune to charity.

Twenty five cents now and fifty cents over the next four years.

I just won the $1.6 billion lottery, and I decided to donate a quarter to charity.

I now have $1,599,999,999.75.

Little Audrey was sitting on the porch next to her little brother

She said, "Look, there's a quarter in the street!"

Her brother jumped up and ran into the street to get the money and was promptly squashed by a truck. And Lil Audrey just laughed and laughed, because she knew it was only a nickel.

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first says, "I'll have a beer." The second says, "I'll have half a beer." The third says, "I'll have a quarter of a beer." And so on.

The bartender hands them two glasses of beer and says, "You guys need to know your limits."

I just won 10 million dollars from a lottery ticket. I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.

Those were the proudest 25 cents I ever donated.

A mathematician stumbles home drunk at 3 a.m.

...And his wife is livid.
“You SWORE that you’d be home by 11:45!
“No,” slurs the mathematician...
“I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”

I won a million dollars in the lottery! I plan to give a quarter of it to charity.

That'll leave me with $999,999.75 to spend on myself!

I once ate a quarter ounce of mushrooms and drove from Flint from Auburn hills while being lectured by a Giant Goldcap on why i'd never do mushrooms again.

Turns out, he was completely right.

If I had a quarter for everytime I didn't know what was happening

I'd be asking "why am I getting all these quarters?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If I won 298 million dollars I’d give a quarter of it to Charity too.

I hope it would be the best sex I ever have.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pilot says to the passengers on a 747 Jumbo Jet one of the engines has failed but don't worry it only adds quarter of hour to the journey then a second and third engine fail Captain says don't worry it will only add another hour and half to the journey, Paddy says:

Fucking hell if the fourth engine fails, we could be up here all day...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with the hot girl at work

...but, she had a boyfriend

One day he got so desperate he went up to her and said,

"I'll pay you 100$ if you have sex with me."

The girl looked at him shocked and said,

"Hell, no!'

He said,

"It'll be real quick, I'll throw the money on the ground...

*It's raining penny's and quarters*

Me:WTF is this

Climate:Change

What do you call a kennel made of pennies, dimes, and quarters?

A Nickel-less Cage

I went to the Atlanta Falcons locker room to get some change for a dollar...

But they only gave me 3 quarters.

Mother is shocked when her daughter comes back from school with five dollars worth of quarters.

Daughter: “the boys at school kept dropping these quarters in front of me and I kept picking them up.”

Mother: “ no honey, don’t. The boys at school are probably looking at your underwear under your skirt when you reach down for the quarters....”

So the daughter goes back to school the...

Three Apple employees have been injured walking into glass within the first month of opening their new $5bn head quarters.

Meanwhile 3 factory employees making Apple phones have been injured since the start of this joke.

A math teacher asks a kindergartener: "Tommy, if you have a nickel in one pocket, and a quarter in the other, what do you have?"

"someone else's pants"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man offers a woman 100 dollars for sex.

He tells her "Excuse me miss, I will pay you 100 dollars if you have sex with me."
The woman quickly responds saying "I won't have sex with you for so little money. My boyfriend would be furious!"

The man then changes his offer "Okay how about this? I will drop the 100 dollars onto the fl...

I threw forty quarters into the air and every single one of them landed on the edge!

Perhaps I should have taken them out of the roll.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three Commanding Officers are sitting in the Officer's Quarters aboard an Aircraft Carrier.

A Marine Colonel, A Navy Lieutenant Commander overseeing the SEAL aboard the ship, and an Army Major overseeing the Rangers aboard. The Colonel turns to the other officers and says, "My men are braver than your men." The other two turn to him and say "Yeah, well prove it."

The Colonel calls i...

What do you call the living quarters for a group of horses?

A stable, genius.

A quarter acre of undeveloped land may not seem like much to some people,

But to me it's a lot.

Blonde at the Superbowl

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to the Super Bowl game.

They had great seats right behind their team's bench.

After the game, he asked her how she liked it.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the

tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't
...

Stupidest boy in the world.

A barber is cutting a man's hair when a boy walks in. The barber chortles and tells the boy to come to him and tells the man, "Look here, this is the stupidest boy in the world." He held out in one hand a quarter and in the other a dollar. "Here, pick whichever one you want." The boy takes the quart...

I flipped a quarter

I told my girlfriend to call it. She clapped her hands and said, "come here Quarter!"

What are your best "If I had ____ for every time..." jokes?

Two of my favorites are:

1. "If I had a dollar for every existentialist moment I've ever had...Does money even matter?" - Can't remember the comedian.
2. "If I had a quarter every time a hobo asked me for spare change, I'd still say no" - Bo Burnham

My grandfather always used to say he could go to the candy store and get 10 pounds of candy with a quarter

He can't anymore though, too many cameras.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three sailors are discussing their cargo

They are used to transporting goods and make a good living doing so, this time however they've been tasked with taking 300 boxes of penis shaped potatoes across the channel and they all think it's a joke.

"We'll be a laughing stock" says the first sailor.

"I'll never be able to live ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If I had a quarter for every pussy I've touched....

I would have enough money to buy them a new bag of cat food.

What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?

A quarter pounder with cheese.

If I had a quarter for every time a homeless person asked me for change

I still wouldn't give him any

When I was your age, my mom sent me to the store with a quarter and I came back with a loaf of bread, a bottle of milk, and a newspaper.

But you can't do that anymore because there's too many surveillance cameras.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cut above the rest

Once upon a time a powerful emperor of the rising sun advertised for a new chief samurai. Three men applied, A Japanese samurai, A Chinese swordsman And a Jewish samurai. The three met with the emperor to see who would get the job. "Japanese Samurai Show me your skill", the Japanese samurai stepped ...

You should always keep a few quarters in your pocket, you never know when you'll need them...

It's just common cents.

The French Quarter in New Orleans seems to have gotten cleaner in the last decade

Almost as if it had been washed up or something

Is the subscribed to r/jokes number a joke?

I laughed but still. I find it unlikely that a quarter billion people subscribed to r/jokes

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip.

After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.

“And what...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mathematician's daughter stumbles home drunk at 2:30am. Her dad is understandably pissed.

"If I've told you n times, I've told you 100n times, you're not to come home late. I told you to be home by 11:45, you're almost 2 hours late"

"No dad, you told me to be home by a quarter of 12. I'm 30 minutes early!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Good Mother in Law

A woman confided to her mother that she wanted to divorce her rich husband because he wanted anal sex all the time.
The daughter explained to her mom that when they got married her asshole was the size of a dime and now it was the size of a quarter. Her mother said, “He buys you a multimillion do...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the Jews roam the desert for 40+ years?

Because Moses lost a quarter.

My friend said she was only taking Women's Studies courses this quarter

It sounds like a broad curriculum to me.

When my sister was younger

She had a tooth come out, I managed to get to the tooth before our mom or dad got to it, and along with a quarter I left a note that said,


"Dear *****, I left a quarter for your tooth this time, but next time I'm bringing the pliers. HAHAHAHAHA!!!".


The screams I heard the ne...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An east coast accountant decides to go hunting for the first time out west.

He hires a guide and the next day they get up bright and early and begin their adventure.The "green" Hunter suddenly has to take a shit and says to his guide"Man,I really have to use the restroom.Where is it?"

"Are you serious?Were in the middle of Wyoming and your asking where the restroom i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This guy walking on the street ran into this pretty woman and said. "I bet I can drop $500 on the ground and have sex with you before you can pick it up".

The woman calls her friend to tell her about it. The friend says "set him up when he drops the money just pick it up and run". So the woman tells the guy, "The bet is on". A few minutes go by and the girls friend calls her back to find out how did it go. The woman says, "The asshole didn't tell me h...

Why didn't the quarter roll down the hill with the nickle?

Because it had more cents

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A popular joke in Nazi Germany

A Nazi Bigwig is on a diplomatic trip through Switzerland and notices a large government building. He asks his guide what agency it is.

The guide replies: "It's the head quarters of the marines"

The Nazi is surprised and laughs. "Why does Switzerland need a ministry of marines?"
...

If you had a million dollars and gave away one quarter

If you had a million dollars and gave away one quarter, and another quarter, and then another quarter, how much would you have left? A million dollars minus 75 cents.

Jack and Jill went up the hill, both with a buck and a quarter....

Jill came down with two fifty.

A man was recruited for a space colony

He had been posted to a planet 14 lightyears from Sol. As his ship landed on the planet's glowing surface, he saw a car waiting for him.

"Welcome to Anti-Earth," The driver said, "don't worry we are going to change the name soon.I am here to take you to your quarters and show you the colony o...

An old lady is at a grocery stand.

She asks the man behind the counter "Excuse me, could I please have a kilo of tomatoes?" The shopkeeper says "I'm so sorry lady, but we are all out of tomatoes today." ...

I tossed a quarter at my girlfriend...

"Ouch, that hit me in the head!"

I look back and reply, "good, maybe that'll knock some cents into you"

I'll see myself out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A middle-aged woman is conscious about the way she looks as she's coming of age...

Especially about the wrinkles that are starting to come out around her face. So she decides to go to the plastic surgeon.

"Doctor doctor, what can you do about these wrinkles?"

"Hmmm, in your case, I'd recommend a very innovative, yet very cheap method. I'll install these two tiny sc...

She was upset when I gave her 4 quarters rather than dollar...

It has the same value. It doesn't make any cents.

Bill Russell tried to sell a championship ring to LeBron James for $1......

...... but LeBron only has 3 quarters.

Read online on a comment. LOL

80,000 blondes are stuck on an island a mile away from the mainland.

One of them volunteers to swim over to mainland so that she's can get the coast guard to help them out.

She starts swimming, gets a quarter of the way there, gets tired, and drowns.

A second volunteers to do the same. She starts swimming, gets half way there, then gets tired and drowns...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Laughlin cabbie

A successful businessman flew to Laughlin, Nevada for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. All he needed to do was somehow get to the airport, and then he'd be home-free.
So he went out to the fr...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.