An old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and he said, ‘Things are great and I’ve never felt better.’

I now have a young bride who is pregnant with my child.

“So what do you think about that Doc?”

The doctor considered his question for a minute and  then began to tell a story....

A tree fell and destroyed a quarter of my roof yesterday.

oof

Dice. My favorite Dice rhyme: "Jack 'n Jill went up the hill, both wit a buck 'n a quarter..."

... Jill came down wit two fifty

The air compressor at the gas station used to be a quarter, now it's a dollar.

That's the cost of inflation.

If I had a million dollars, I'd donate a quarter of it to charity.

I can still do a lot with $999,999.75

My friend was mad that I had to ask him for a quarter for the hundredth time to pay the parking meter. He asked why I never have any on me.

I told him I’ve never carried any coins before and I don’t ever plan to start. I don’t like change.

Doctor: Nurse, how is that little boy doing, the one who swallowed ten quarters?

Nurse: No change yet.

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I was amazed to learn that one quarter of women dislike giving oral sex.

25%. Mind blowing.

I remember when I was a kid and air pumps at gas stations were free, now they cost a quarter

Damn inflation

Back in the day, if you had a quarter at a gas station you could come out with a canister of ice cream, or a few candy bars.

Now they have cameras.

Elon Musk launched a cow to the moon. It landed so hard that a quarter of the moon got annihilated.

Moo.

I recently won $500,000 and decided to give a quarter of it to charity.

I just don’t know what I’m gonna do with the other $499,999.75 though

Today my son threw a quarter in the well at the mall and said "I wish my dad was dead." And because of his attitide we went home without buying anything.

When we got to our house we saw an ambulance and the coroner at Jim's house, apparently he had a freak heart attack about thirty minutes before hand, it was odd because he was a personal trainer and in great shape, my wife seemed real upset by his passing. Though it was strange because I've never ev...

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As a young boy I was blessed with a nine and three quarter inch penis....

Unfortunately it belonged to Father O'Malley!!

If I won 298 million, I'd give a quarter of it to charity.

...I'm not sure what I'd do with the other $297,999,999.75 though.

For a dollar, a change-maker will get you four quarters, or ten dimes, or twenty nickels...

That makes cents, right?

What do you call a prison cell with a quarter, penny, and a dime in it?

A Nicolas Cage.

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first one orders a beer, the second one orders half a beer, the third one orders a quarter, and the fourth one orders one eighth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says,"you guys should know your limits."

In response to his ex-wife taking The Giving Pledge, Jeff Bezos announced he is giving three quarters of his fortune to charity.

Twenty five cents now and fifty cents over the next four years.

Two quarters aren’t worth much....

But 50 Cent is worth about $30 million

What do you call an anorexic girl with a yeast infection?

Quarter pounder with cheese

Someone chopped off the top quarter of my tree.

REE

One day in class, the teacher brought a bag...

"Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe something, and you tell what I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plump and red."

Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." The teacher repli...

A woman made a 20¢ copy at my library and paid with a quarter, but told me to keep the change.

"Nobody wants nickel back."

If you give a cactus a quarter...

It will gamble for a day. If you give a cactus a job, it will gamble its wife and kids away.

A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game.

They had great seats right behind her teams bench on the 50 yard line.

After the game he asked her how she liked it.

She replied "oh, I really like it especially all the tight pants and big muscles, but I just don't understand why they were fighting each other over 25 cents."

T...

If I had $20 million, I would donate a quarter of it to charity....

I’m not sure what I would do with the remaining 19,999,999.75

Kid v. Barber

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer. ‘This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you.’ The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, ‘Which do you want, son?’ The boy takes the quarter...

How the Canadians prepare their army

A new recruit arrives on the front lines during world war 2. When he gets there he is told resources are stretched thin and they have not rifles to spare him, although they still expect him to go on patrol. He goes straight to his captain and explains the situation, the captain hands him a broom and...

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I made $60.25 sucking dicks last night

Dude 2: lol, who gave you the quarter?

Dude 1 : they all did.

How do you tell which clan a Scotsman is from?

Peek up his kilt. If he's got a quarter-pounder, he's a McDonald.

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Three sailors are discussing their cargo

They are used to transporting goods and make a good living doing so, this time however they've been tasked with taking 300 boxes of penis shaped potatoes across the channel and they all think it's a joke.

"We'll be a laughing stock" says the first sailor.

"I'll never be able to live ...

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Challenged my boss to a street race.

My boss drives a Prius to work every day. One day I challenged him to a street race after work, my Focus against his car, for pink slips. Quarter mile. He accepted

That night waiting for him, he pulls up, in a Corvette. We raced. He won. I didn't stop. Kept going. Next day I called into work...

I just won the $1.6 billion lottery, and I decided to donate a quarter to charity.

I now have $1,599,999,999.75.

There's an easy way to distinguish different clans of Scotsmen just by lifting their kilts...

...if they're packing a quarter pounder under there, they're a McDonald.

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Queen's Infidelities

A king is going to war and he knows his queen has overactive sexual needs... Furthermore, he is skeptical about the loyalty of his four servants.

To find out who will not have sex with the queen, he hides a blade inside the queen's vagina and goes to war.

Immediately after returning, h...

Jake was sitting on the porch with his little sister, and said, "Look, there's a quarter in the street!"

His sister jumped up and ran into the street to get the money and was promptly hit by a truck. Jake just laughed and laughed, because he knew it was only a nickel.

Why did the penny arrest the nickel?

The penny was a copper, see, and he busted the nickel for stopping on a dime.

The dime was a quarter way through the intersection when the nickel hit him.

At first the nickel thought he'd hit 50 cent.

But it was just some other young buck.

I've been laundering money for a few months now.

Seriously, this quarter has been in my washer for months

A mathematician wanders home at 3am where he meets his angry wife at the door..

She yells “Where the hell were you? You said you’d be home by 11:45!”

“Actually,” he says, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”

My daughter came home from school today.

I was taking her lunchbox out of her bag when I saw a quarter in there.

I asked her how she got it, she told me that some boys at school said they would give her a quarter per kiss she gave them.

On the inside, I was furious but remained calm to explain to her that this is wrong.
<...

I just won 10 million dollars from a lottery ticket. I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.

Those were the proudest 25 cents I ever donated.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip.

After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.

“And what...

I asked my boss if I could leave half an hour early today. He said “only if you make up the time”

I said “okay. It’s quarter past a million”

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Pilot says to the passengers on a 747 Jumbo Jet one of the engines has failed but don't worry it only adds quarter of hour to the journey then a second and third engine fail Captain says don't worry it will only add another hour and half to the journey, Paddy says:

Fucking hell if the fourth engine fails, we could be up here all day...

I once ate a quarter ounce of mushrooms and drove from Flint from Auburn hills while being lectured by a Giant Goldcap on why i'd never do mushrooms again.

Turns out, he was completely right.

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If I won 298 million dollars I’d give a quarter of it to Charity too.

I hope it would be the best sex I ever have.

If I had a quarter for everytime I didn't know what was happening

I'd be asking "why am I getting all these quarters?"

A wealthy rabbi has passed away. According to the will, his estate was to be divvied up among his three sons...

A wealthy rabbi has passed away. According to the will, his estate was to be divvied up among his three sons - under one condition: after the funeral, each son was to put a 100 dollars in their father's grave as a sign of respect.

The eldest son went first. He took a $100 note from his wallet...

I visited Kenya...

I was in Kenya for holiday and decided to visit a poor village. There I met a married couple who told me about their everyday life. The wife told how she makes clothes for a living and makes 1.75 dollars a day. The husband was a farmer who only made 2 dollars a day.

It broke my heart. I felt ...

*It's raining penny's and quarters*

Me:WTF is this

Climate:Change

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A guy walks into a bar and asks for a beer

"That'll be five dollars", says the bartender, and the guy throws 20 quarters onto the floor. Reluctantly, the bartender picks up the coins and serves the beer.

The next day, the guy comes into the bar, asks for a beer, throws 20 quarters onto the floor, etc.

The next day, again.
...

You know what they call Fortnite in America?

They call it a quarter battle with cheese.

What do you call a kennel made of pennies, dimes, and quarters?

A Nickel-less Cage

When my sister was younger

She had a tooth come out, I managed to get to the tooth before our mom or dad got to it, and along with a quarter I left a note that said,


"Dear *****, I left a quarter for your tooth this time, but next time I'm bringing the pliers. HAHAHAHAHA!!!".


The screams I heard the ne...

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This guy walking on the street ran into this pretty woman and said. "I bet I can drop $500 on the ground and have sex with you before you can pick it up".

The woman calls her friend to tell her about it. The friend says "set him up when he drops the money just pick it up and run". So the woman tells the guy, "The bet is on". A few minutes go by and the girls friend calls her back to find out how did it go. The woman says, "The asshole didn't tell me h...

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The Saved Man and the Clairvoyant

DISCLAIMER: I'm pretty sure I had read this joke here before, but I was reminded of it today so I'm going to "pay homage" to it by doing my best recital of it. It's long.

A man walks into a pub, orders himself a pint, and sits at a small table in the corner by himself. He enjoys his beer for...

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Well....I'm at the emergency room

Yesterday was not a good day for me. I decided to go ride a horse. The horse made a sudden jerk and reared up, and I couldn't hold on. I fell off, and my foot got caught in the stirrup. The horse kept bucking and running, and was dragging me and wouldn't stop. Thank goodness the manager of the groce...

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Watched a cooking show the other day and the dessert they served was quite unsettling. It consisted of a female prostitute that had been hung, drawn and quartered...

They called it a Deconstructed Tart.

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One day left.

My father was ill and the doctor said he had only one day left to live. I was truly sad and was walking outside when I saw a wishing well. Taking my chances I threw in a quarter and wished his life would be extended. A r/jokes mod genie appeared out of the well and said " I hear your wish my son, an...

A man was recruited for a space colony

He had been posted to a planet 14 lightyears from Sol. As his ship landed on the planet's glowing surface, he saw a car waiting for him.

"Welcome to Anti-Earth," The driver said, "don't worry we are going to change the name soon.I am here to take you to your quarters and show you the colony o...

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An east coast accountant decides to go hunting for the first time out west.

He hires a guide and the next day they get up bright and early and begin their adventure.The "green" Hunter suddenly has to take a shit and says to his guide"Man,I really have to use the restroom.Where is it?"

"Are you serious?Were in the middle of Wyoming and your asking where the restroom i...

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A popular joke in Nazi Germany

A Nazi Bigwig is on a diplomatic trip through Switzerland and notices a large government building. He asks his guide what agency it is.

The guide replies: "It's the head quarters of the marines"

The Nazi is surprised and laughs. "Why does Switzerland need a ministry of marines?"
...

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A middle-aged woman is conscious about the way she looks as she's coming of age...

Especially about the wrinkles that are starting to come out around her face. So she decides to go to the plastic surgeon.

"Doctor doctor, what can you do about these wrinkles?"

"Hmmm, in your case, I'd recommend a very innovative, yet very cheap method. I'll install these two tiny sc...

80,000 blondes are stuck on an island a mile away from the mainland.

One of them volunteers to swim over to mainland so that she's can get the coast guard to help them out.

She starts swimming, gets a quarter of the way there, gets tired, and drowns.

A second volunteers to do the same. She starts swimming, gets half way there, then gets tired and drowns...

Mother is shocked when her daughter comes back from school with five dollars worth of quarters.

Daughter: “the boys at school kept dropping these quarters in front of me and I kept picking them up.”

Mother: “ no honey, don’t. The boys at school are probably looking at your underwear under your skirt when you reach down for the quarters....”

So the daughter goes back to school the...

A nun goes to the priest and says "father, there's a hole in the roof of your church."

"Thank you for telling me," he replies "but you've been here for years, it's our church."

The next day the nun goes to the priest and says "father, there's a broken window in your- I mean, our, church." He thanks her again and calls for a repairman.

The following day the priest is prep...

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Laughlin cabbie

A successful businessman flew to Laughlin, Nevada for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. All he needed to do was somehow get to the airport, and then he'd be home-free.
So he went out to the fr...

A pilot and a copilot are getting ready to land their plane on an exotic foreign runway on a foggy day

The pilot says “I’ve heard that this runway is pretty short, so why don’t you go ahead and give me quarter flaps, so we can slow this plane down. The copilot acknowledges, and gives quarter flaps.

As they begin to see the runway through the fog, they start to see how short the runway is. The ...

How do you know the moon is going Broke?

Because its down to its last quarter

My nan has been diagnosed with a hereditary brain disorder.

The main symptoms are forgetting what you were talking about, repeating yourself, repeating yourself, and a quarter pounder with cheese.

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When they said I was gonna be hung, drawn and quartered...

I've gotta admit, I didn't expect a penis enlarger, a professional sketch and my own room on a ship.

Three Apple employees have been injured walking into glass within the first month of opening their new $5bn head quarters.

Meanwhile 3 factory employees making Apple phones have been injured since the start of this joke.

What did the football coach say to the broken vending machine?

Give me my quarter back.

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The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles.

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stockmarket, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.
Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. "Pretty much the way you do,"responds the...

A math teacher asks a kindergartener: "Tommy, if you have a nickel in one pocket, and a quarter in the other, what do you have?"

"someone else's pants"

$2k is pocket change for me

That is until I realized I've been spelling quarters with a 'k' all my life

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Pilot, copilot joke.

Pilot and copilot are getting ready to land. The pilot says, "I've heard this airport runway is pretty short so I may call for some extra flaps. The copilot acknowledges.
They break through the clouds and see the runway. The pilot says to the copilot, "yeah, that's a pretty short runway. Give me ...

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Three Commanding Officers are sitting in the Officer's Quarters aboard an Aircraft Carrier.

A Marine Colonel, A Navy Lieutenant Commander overseeing the SEAL aboard the ship, and an Army Major overseeing the Rangers aboard. The Colonel turns to the other officers and says, "My men are braver than your men." The other two turn to him and say "Yeah, well prove it."

The Colonel calls i...

I threw forty quarters into the air and every single one of them landed on the edge!

Perhaps I should have taken them out of the roll.

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Tina and ted

Tina and Ted got into their bed, Said Ted to Tina "It's time for some head." "Head in the bed?" is what Tina said, "Before we're both dead," is what Ted next said.

So Tina did suck and Tina did lick, And into her palm then Tina did spit, She polished his crank like a hitch made of chrome, And...

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Two guys riding the train together start talking.

GUY 1: Did you ever try and say something but the words come out all wrong.

GUY 2: Nah, not really what are you talking about?

GUY 1: For instance when is was buying tickets for the train the clerk had a fantastic set of knockers. I get up there and I asked for a picket to Titsburg....

One day, a man saw a woman crying for help on the side of the road.

As the man approached the hysterical woman, he

notices a child on the floor gasping for air. He quickly

springs into action and immediately administers CPR

to the young child. Finally, a quarter shoots out of the

child’s throat.

The pleased woman asks, “Are yo...

coin joke

I bet you a quarter that you're stupid.

heads i win, tails you lose

(OC) Once, back the days of dragons...

Once back in the days of knights and dragons there was a mountain to which people would travel from leagues around.

At the summit of this mountain was a magic cradle which would heal the illness of any child placed in it, but only if the child's parent would then roll up into a ball and tumbl...

A pilgrim was seeking enlightenment

They were told to climb a mountain somewhere that could be called Tibet (but we thank the Zhongguo Reddit investors, so shan't mention it).

As the pilgrim climbed the mountain for half a day, he came across a sage with a beard this
^
|
Long and a sword this <--> big w...

Little Johnny Back Again...

This time, little Johnny's mother had been noticing that his math grades had been steadily declining. She decided to have a chat with Johnny about his disinterest in math, being more responsible with his studies, and the importance of bringing his grade up.

The next quarter ended- Johnny's re...

A quarter acre of undeveloped land may not seem like much to some people,

But to me it's a lot.

Why were people drawn and quartered?

They were tearable people

A joke my second grade teacher used to tell

Every Friday after school, a young boy named Timmy would go to the corner store for an after-school treat.

There would always be a group of rowdy older boys loitering outside the store. Every time Timmy came by they'd pull him aside. The leader would reveal a dollar in his left hand and a qua...

What do you call the man who had intercourse with 25 cents?

A quarter pounder

Sorry I’m English btw

I went into the shop the other day. Saw a ready made burger. When I went to the till the lady said “that’s £2 please”
I replied ”surely it’s 25p”
She looked at me, confused.
Dunno why, it’s a quarter pounder after all!

I flipped a quarter

I told my girlfriend to call it. She clapped her hands and said, "come here Quarter!"

One day, a doctor goes on a boat tour in rural Asia.

After a while, the doctor asks the tour leader, "Can you do maths?" the tour leader says, "No I can't, actually." the doctor replies, "Well, your life expectancy is reduced by a quarter.

Later the doctor asks again, "Do you understand science?" the tour leader again says no. The doctor says,...

My grandfather always used to say he could go to the candy store and get 10 pounds of candy with a quarter

He can't anymore though, too many cameras.

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