UPJOKE
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I won a million dollars and donated a quarter of it to charity!

I now have $999999.75 left.

You know what they call a quarter pounder with cheese in Russia?

A wish.

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...

The doctor asked the man how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, "things are great, and I've never felt better! I now have a 20-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that, doc?"
The doctor considered the question for a minute, and then began to tell a story...

There are four quarters in the Superbowl

Thats why they had 50 cent at halftime

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If I got a quarter for every time I've had sex...

I'd be homeless

A quarter dies and goes to heaven

At his arrival at the gates of heaven, the Lord himself welcomes him while angels play the trumpets. The quarter doesn't believe his eyes as he is being given the most beautiful cloud of all whith riches and food and honey for eternity.

The next day the one hundred dollar bill dies. He also ...

Last year a guy took his Blonde girl friend to the Superbowl

They had great seats right behind their team's bench.

After the game, he asked her how she liked it.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the

tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't

understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."<...

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Three sailors are discussing their cargo

They are used to transporting goods and make a good living doing so, this time however they've been tasked with taking 300 boxes of penis shaped potatoes across the channel and they all think it's a joke.

"We'll be a laughing stock" says the first sailor.

"I'll never be able to live it...

I heard 50 Cent wasn’t expected at the half time show

I didn’t think it was a surprise he came out after two quarters

A mathematician comes home at three in the morning.

His wife has been waiting for him and says angrily, "You're late. You said you'd be home at 11:45!"

"Actually," the mathematician replies, "I said I'd be home at a quarter of 12."

so there was this rich man and he was throwing a party and he invites all the people in town including the only redneck, Killroy

They were have a great time at this party.. watching the game, drinking beer and bbqing. Then the rich man announces on his loud speaker "Ladies and gentleman, i have a 30 ft man-eating alligator in my pool. Whoever's brave enough to jump into the pool and kill the gator I'll give them 1 million dol...

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My neighbor has a quarter with a couple of donkeys just down the street.

Never ridden one, thought I'd give it a try!

Turns out I'm pretty good at it, at least until some stupid kids came along and started chucking rocks at us. donkey didn't like it all and bucked me off.

I guess you could say I got stoned off my ass...

If I win 1million lottery I'm gonna give quarter to charity.

Then I'm gonna keep the $999999.75 for my self

If I won the Mega Millions valued at 750 million today, I would donate a quarter to charity.

Not sure what I would do with the other 749,999,999.75 dollars though.

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A guy walks into a bar and asks for a beer "That'll be five dollars", says the bartender, and the guy throws 20 quarters onto the floor. Reluctantly, the bartender picks up the coins and serves the beer.

The next day, the guy comes into the bar, asks for a beer, throws 20 quarters onto the floor, etc.

The next day, again.

On the fourth day, he asks for a beer, and hands the bartender a 10$ bill. The bartender takes advantage of his chance for revenge, throws 20 quarters onto the floor ...

Why does Santa only carry pennies, dimes and quarters?

Because he is Nicholas.

I hate when people say “It’s a quarter till 9”

Just say 8:75pm like us normal people…

Why’d the football coach go to the bank?

To get his quarter back.

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The Canadian

A Canadian a Russian and a French guys are all armed with pistols and sitting around a camp fire.
The Russian pulls out a full bottle of Vodka, opens it and drinks about a quarter of it. He then throws it up into the air, draws his gun and shoot it.

The Canadian yells WTF?

The Russ...

Spelling

The teacher announced that to practice spelling, each member of the class would say what their fathers did for a living and then spell the occupation.

Mary went first. "My Dad is a baker, b-a-k-e-r, and if he were here, he would give everyone a cookie."

Next came Tommy. "My d...

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A farmer has a good harvest and decides to buy a barrel of wine to celebrate with his wife.

He brings it home and sets it outside of their cottage, and he and his wife celebrate their success.

The next day, the farmer wakes to find the barrel is now only half full, but they'd only had a few glasses each. Furious about the thievery, he posts a sign saying, "This wine belongs to Farm...

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Foreign Legion(long)

A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?"

The Sergeant replied, "Well sir it's a long way...

What’s the opposite of tight quarters?

Loose change.

As a mother was bribing her little boy with a quarter so he would behave,

“Why do I always have to pay you to be good? Why can't you be good for nothing like your dad?"

When I was a kid you could walk into a shop with a quarter and come out with 2 cokes, 3 bags of chips and an Ice cream...

Nowadays, CCTV everywhere.

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So my doctor told me

For men, every 10lbs of weight loss his penis grows a quarter of an inch. That's why I lost 400lbs

The double quarter pounder with cheese from McDonald’s holds a special place in my heart.

Mainly in the Coronary artery.

Prepare three envelopes

Morris had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three envelopes number 1, 2 and 3. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," the departing CEO said.

Things...

Today I thought I had a quarter in my shoe which didn’t make sense

Turns out it was a nickel which made even less cents.

A Shinola salesman visits a farmer...

...the farmer is hard at work milking a cow but let's him give his pitch. After the salesman finishes, he asks the farmer if he knows what time it is. The farmer grabs the cows udder, lifts it and looks under the cow and says, "well, I reckon it's quarter to nine."

The salesman is dumbfounded...

An infinite number of mathematicians enter a bar

The first orders a pint of beer. The second half a pint, the third a quarter ad infinitum. The bartender just pours two pints and says "sort it out yourselves."

Smell

It was a particularly tough football game, and nerves were on edge. The home team had been the victim of three or four close calls, and they were now trailing the visitors by a touch-down and a field goal. When the official called yet another close one in the visitors' favor, the home quarterback bl...

I remember when you could walk into a store with a quarter and walk out with a can of coke and a candy bar.

nowadays they have cameras everywhere

What do they call a Double Quarter Pounder with cheese, large fries, and a Diet Coke in France?

"The American Weight Loss Plan."

A young boy enters a barber shop...

and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

"W...

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A priest goes to the mechanic.

He tells the mechanic, "hey, I just brought in my car last week, and since you guys worked on it, it's leaking oil all over my garage."

The mechanic says, "my apologies father, we'll make sure we get it right this time, come back tomorrow, and we'll have it tip-top for you."

The prie...

Accordion to a scientific study released by the Department of Psychology at the University of British Columbia,

most people will not immediately notice if one of the words in a sentence has been replaced with a musical instrument until they've read more than three quarters of the way through it.

Little man

A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots. " Bartender says, "You want them both now or one at a time? " The guy says," Oh, I want them both now. One's for me and one's for this little guy here," and he pulls a tiny three inch man out of his pocket. The bartender asks "He can dr...

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Virgin Learns How to Have Sex - Dime, Dime, Quarter, Dollar...

A young virgin goes to a priest and confess that he's never had sex and is nervous about his wedding night. The priest reassures the man and tells him that he should go home and tape a dime to his left hip and practice moving his body to the side each time saying the word "Dime". So, the young man g...

I remember when I was a kid and air pumps at gas stations were free, now they cost a quarter

Damn inflation

My dad gave me a one dollar bill because I’m his smartest son.

My dad gave me a one dollar bill
because I'm his smartest son,
and I swapped it for two shiny quarters because two is more than one!

And then I took the quarters
and traded them to Lou,
for three dimes -- I guess he don't know that three is more than two!

Just then, along c...

What weighs 10 tons, consumes 20 liters of diesel per hour and splits apples into three parts?

A Soviet apple quartering machine.

If I had a quarter everytime I got told I suck at math..

I’d have $10,43 right now.

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The year is 2222 and John and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.

John asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.

'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.

The Martian resp...

Putins army is on an assault in Ukrainian.

And a platoon is making their way through a Wooded area when someone heard a twig snap over the hill in front of them.
The commander sends a scout out in front to find out what was in front of them. Some minutes go by and their scout calls out “an Ukrainian man is spotted about 200….. pzzz” and t...

Today, Ronald McDonald put a quarter in my expired parking meter ...

what a kind jester!

“If you had a quarter," quizzed the teacher," and you asked your father for another dollar and fifty cents, how much money would you have?"

“One quarter." answered little Johnny.

“You don't know your arithmetic!" snapped the teacher shaking her head.

Little Johnny shook his head too, "You don't know my dad!"

My wife found a quarter on the floor of our bedroom. She asked, "What's this for?"

Apparently, "That's for last night" was not the correct answer.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go camping

One crisp, clear fall day Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After a meal by the campfire followed by a serviceable bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Dr. Watson shakes his friend awake.

"Sherlock, look up at the ...

Long ago in days of yore townsfolk spoke of the existence of sleeping quarters which stacked one on top of the other

The existence of such a phenomenon has since been debunked

Where do you get quarters for laundry whem you in the hood?

The liquor store!

Two homeless guys were sitting with a sign pointing to one of the guys that reads, "I bet you $2 you can't hit John with a quarter".

A man flicked a quarter at him, and hit him. When the man asked for his $2 for hitting him the homeless guy replied, "you didn't hit john. This here is David".

Its the 4th quarter of 2020

Hope we're playing the Falcons

Whats the difference between a quarter and the G spot?

My uncle never found a G spot behind my ear.

If you need to borrow a quarter at school who do you ask?

The exchange students.

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Fifteen Bucks

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. All he needed to do was somehow get to the airport, and then he'd be home-free.

So he went out to the front of the...

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A young lady falls in love with a wealthy man. NSFW

They soon get married and they are living the life of luxury. Dream homes, exotic cars, and luxurious vacations.

The girl is having a conversation with her father one day and she mentions that she is considering leaving her husband. The father asks why and the girl explains. “He will only ...

If I got a quarter for every time a situation confused me ...

... I'd say, "Hey! Why's everyone giving me all these quarters?"

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The Life Saver

>A father walks into a bookstore with his young son. The boy is holding a quarter. Suddenly, he starts choking and goes blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts to panic, shouting for help.
>
>An attractive, well-dressed but serious looki...

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Heard in Townes Van Zandt’s Live at the Old Quarter album

There’s this drunk walking down the street, and he walks up to this cop and says, “Man, somebody stole my car.” The cop says, “Well, where was it?” And he says, “It was right on the end of this key.”

The cop says, “There’s not much I can do for you, but why don’t you go down to the precinct ...

A tree fell and destroyed a quarter of my roof yesterday.

oof

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A 12 year old boy walks into a barber shop

Once he arrives, the barber turns to a customer and says "check this kid out, he's the dumbest person I've ever seen. Here, watch this".

The barber then pulls out a dollar bill in one hand and 2 quarters in the other. "Hey Johnny, go ahead and pick which amount of money you want".

The...

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A psychology teacher is giving a lecture at a college about how sexual frequency is over rated...

The teacher goes on to exclaim the frequency of couples have sexual relations varies from person to person. He decides to take a short poll to prove his point. He asks, "How many of you have relations each day?" One-quarter of the students raise their hand. Okay, "Now how many of you have relations ...

What do you call a prison cell with a quarter, penny, and a dime in it?

A Nicolas Cage.

The Superbowl ticket

A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes his seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium - he's closer to the Goodyear blimp than the field!


About halfway through the first quarter Bob...

My Favorite Christmas Joke

It was early December, and a posh hotel was hosting a chess convention. The convention had rented out the hotel's entire separable ballroom, and the first day had, thus far, gone smoothly, with all but the quater-, semi-, and ultimate final rounds decided in the tournament. The time came for a break...

I recently won $500,000 and decided to give a quarter of it to charity.

I just don’t know what I’m gonna do with the other $499,999.75 though

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What’s the difference between a vending machine and a buttcrack?

I’ve never put a quarter in a vending machine.

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A club I was at had a vending machine that dispensed packets of cologne. I put a quarter in it, turned the knob, and nothing came out.

I guess the machine was out of odor.

Doctor: Nurse, how is that little boy doing, the one who swallowed ten quarters?

Nurse: No change yet.

My friend was mad that I had to ask him for a quarter for the hundredth time to pay the parking meter. He asked why I never have any on me.

I told him I’ve never carried any coins before and I don’t ever plan to start. I don’t like change.

what did the football coach say to the broken vending machine?

Give me my quarter back

*It's raining penny's and quarters*

Me:WTF is this

Climate:Change

Want to hear a joke about extrinsic motivation?

An old man enjoyed sitting on his front porch every day until the elementary school bell rang and neighborhood kids walking past his porch stopped to taunt him from the sidewalk.
Finally, the old man came up with a plan.
He offered the children a dollar each if they’d return the next day...

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An elderly man goes into the drugstore and asks for some Viagra.

“Can I have six tablets”, he says, “cut into quarters?”

The pharmacist is a little surprised and curious about this, and says “A quarter of a Viagra won’t do anything at all to give you an erection”.

“I’m 90 years old, what would I want with an erection?”, the old man grumbles. “I just...

Did you hear that the star of Con Air was arrested and put in a jail cell filled with pennies, dimes, and quarters?

It was a nickel-less cage.

If you give a cactus a quarter...

It will gamble for a day. If you give a cactus a job, it will gamble its wife and kids away.

Someone chopped off the top quarter of my tree.

REE

Dice. My favorite Dice rhyme: "Jack 'n Jill went up the hill, both wit a buck 'n a quarter..."

... Jill came down wit two fifty

Elon Musk launched a cow to the moon. It landed so hard that a quarter of the moon got annihilated.

Moo.

The king asks his tax collector

"How much have we collected in taxes this quarter"

The tax collector replies "im afraid our villages were raided by bandits m'lord, the villages have had to pay thier taxes in chickens"

With an outward sigh of mild irritation the king speaks "well man how many chickens did you manage t...

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Pilot says to the passengers on a 747 Jumbo Jet one of the engines has failed but don't worry it only adds quarter of hour to the journey then a second and third engine fail Captain says don't worry it will only add another hour and half to the journey, Paddy says:

Fucking hell if the fourth engine fails, we could be up here all day...

In response to his ex-wife taking The Giving Pledge, Jeff Bezos announced he is giving three quarters of his fortune to charity.

Twenty five cents now and fifty cents over the next four years.

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I was amazed to learn that one quarter of women dislike giving oral sex.

25%. Mind blowing.

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Two men are deep in the woods, hunting, when one of them realizes he has to poop.

He turns to the other man, and says "What do I use to wipe myself?" "Use a dollar, then toss it in the bush" the other man replies. So after about twenty minutes, man number one comes back, covered in shit. His hunting partner, filled with surprise and disgust, said "What happened?! I thought I told...

A woman made a 20¢ copy at my library and paid with a quarter, but told me to keep the change.

"Nobody wants nickel back."

If I had a quarter for every time my dad beat me I would have $0.00

because I don't have a dad

Apple better watch its quarterly earnings, its latest iPhone has competition

It's called Charmin Ultra Soft

If I had a quarter for everytime I didn't know what was happening

I'd be asking "why am I getting all these quarters?"

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Three Commanding Officers are sitting in the Officer's Quarters aboard an Aircraft Carrier.

A Marine Colonel, A Navy Lieutenant Commander overseeing the SEAL aboard the ship, and an Army Major overseeing the Rangers aboard. The Colonel turns to the other officers and says, "My men are braver than your men." The other two turn to him and say "Yeah, well prove it."

The Colonel calls i...

Back in the day, if you had a quarter at a gas station you could come out with a canister of ice cream, or a few candy bars.

Now they have cameras.

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Did you hear about Mickey and Minnie?

They’re going through a real rough divorce. Things got so chaotic in the courtroom—Minnie was screaming, Mickey threw a chair—that the judge took Mickey back into his quarters to calm him down.

As he’s talking to him the judge says “I just don’t understand it you guys seemed so happy. And th...

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