UPJOKE
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They had us in the first half not gonna lie.

I was drinking at a bar so i took the bus home. That may not seem like a big deal to you but i've never driven a bus before...

This joke's idea comes from somewhere I can't remember. I was watching MKay's or FakeJake's video (It was several days ago, and they both post videos reading reddit post.) and I come across the first half of my joke (It isn't a joke, the person was actually asking for the advice through messages.)

Person A: Bro, I need your advice. How do I kindly reject a person. Person B has confessed to me, and I'm not ready yet. He's interesting, but I don't want to date, yet. I told him to wait until tomorrow for my answer.

A's Bro: Tell him, "You and I are reading the same book. But, you are seve...

They had us in the first half not gonna lie

My phone was at low battery so i had to plug it in right next to someone. The guy next to me was playing flappy bird really loud and it kept beeping. I kept telling him to stop and he ignored me. I got so mad i unplugged his device and it fell silent. Anyway that was the last time i was allowed in a...

My dad said he'd delete my computer games if I didn't finish mowing the lawn. I did the first half pretty quickly...

but now I'm losing Steam.

If you had told me back on NYE all the sh*t that’d happen in the first half of 2020...

I would’ve said, “Don’t July.”

Boss asked me to swap the first half of the brochure with the second.

I was like, sure bro.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Can you imagine getting 72 virgin when you go to heaven?

The first half-dozen or so will be nice, but after that, I'm going to want a pro.

A farmer and his new bride

A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled.

The farmer said, "That's once."

A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again.

The farmer said, "That's twice."

After a litt...

i have a girlfriend, that have a great personality

she always forgive me when she was wrong

nah just kidding, the joke is in the first half of the title

The animals were bored.

Finally the lion had an idea. He tells the other animals how he's seen the humans play a game called American football. He proceeded to tell them how it's played and explained its rules. This got them excited.

They chose their teams and went out to an open field. The lion's team received, and...

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The $5,000,000 question....

Bob had finally made it to the last round of the $5,000,000 Question. The night before the big question, he told the M.C. that he desired a question on American History.

The big night had arrived. Bob made his way on stage in front of the studio and TV audience. He had become the talk of the ...

I read a book called anticlimactic...

the first half was good.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once upon a time...

A horse lived on a farm with a pig, a sheep, and a cow. Now these were no ordinary barnyard animals - for they were bestowed the miracle of Disney animal anthropomorphism - subsequently, the farmer was very happy to have these animals in his posession and the people who came afar to see them made hi...

A boy comes home on rainy day from a soccer match, completely drenched. His mom asks „How bad was it?“

„Let’s describe it this way: we won the coin toss and decided to play against the current for the first half.“

What did the baby that got aborted in 4.5 months say to its mother?

You had me in the first half.

[Spoilers] I finally watched Avengers: Infinity War

It was alright. Probably give a 5/10. The first half was great, but the other half just kind of fell apart in the end.

I asked this beautiful young lady in the bar last night where she had been all my life

She looked me over, and replied "Well, for the first half of it, I hadn't been born yet". Then I told her I really wanted to get into her pants, and she said "I don't know why, I already have one a\*\*hole in there". I tell ya I get no respect, no respect at all

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A war veteran interviews for a job...

A war veteran goes to a job interview at a factory. Browsing over the vet's resume, the manager of the factory seems impressed.
"I have one question" he asks. "Do you have any disabilities that will prevent you from completing your work?"

"Well, I had both of my testicles blown off in Nam...

National Jewish book day.

Today is national Jewish book day.

Interestingly, that's what Mike Pence calls the first half of the Bible.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mathematician and an engineer...

A mathematician and an engineer are placed in a room with a beautiful woman, with big breasts. They are told that they are allowed to walk towards her, but may only cross half the room at a time. First half, then half of that half, and so on.

The mathematician is shaking his head.

"We'...

Football game on Noah's Ark

Okay so the animals have been on the ark for thirty days and thirty nights and frankly they are getting bored. So to provide entertainment B-Deck challenges C-Deck to a game of football. They get it all set up and begin play. B-Deck makes some early gains but C-Deck is unstoppable. They have Rhinoce...

The story of the annual football game played between the big and small animals.

At their annual football game, the big animals are really trouncing the little animals with a tremendous offensive game. At half time the score is 33 to 0, and it’s only with considerable effort that the little animals manage to stop the opposition’s kickoff return on the twenty-two yard line.
<...

My kinesiology professor likes to tell jokes in class that he hears from other professors, friends or family. This was today's gem. Warning, there's a lot of lead-up, but that's just how my teacher seems to tell jokes.

So there was a football game in the jungle between all of the big animals and all of the small animals, to see who was the best and would get the best spots at the watering hole. In the first half of the game, the small animals were getting obliterated--they couldn't gain a single yard on the big an...

Second half centipede

The animals and the insects were always competing as to which group was greater. The insects argued that they were greater in number and more diversified. The animals argued they rat were more highly developed and had greater abilities.
To prove which group was greater they agreed to have a foot...

Kids

A first grade teacher had twenty-five students in her class and she presented each child in her class the first half of a well known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you....

College money...

There was a kid that went to college, and his Dad sent him enough money for the whole year, well the kid blew through that in the first half of the first semester.

He didn't want to just ask his Dad for more money because he knew he probably wouldn't give it to him.

So he calls his...

A general reads War and Peace

A general reads War and Peace another soldier asked him how he liked it "liked the first half, hated the second. " he said

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