UPJOKE
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Born and bred in Manhattan Larry and Gene left the city to buy a cat cattle ranch in Wyoming.

Months later a friend flew out for a visit, “so what did you name the ranch,”he asked.

“At first we couldn’t agree on anything”said the new cowboy, “we finally settled on the Double R Lazy L Triple Horseshoe Bar-7 Lucky Diamond Ranch”

Wow! his friend was impressed but looking around h...

Frank, Dean and Gene were filming together in the Carribean

"You know," pondered Frank, while they were on break, "It'd be a shame if we just sat around at the hotel, wasting a beautiful day in such a beautiful place as this. We should do some exploring while we're here."

The others agreed unanimously, so they spent the morning walking around town, mi...

How can you tell if someone is a geneticist or kinky?

Ask them what the opposite of “dominant” is.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sometimes being cute is like having diarrhea.

Sometimes shit just runs in your genes.

Did you know diarrhoea is hereditary?

It runs in your genes!

Scientists have discovered the gene for shyness

They stated that it could have been discovered years ago, but it was found hiding behind two other genes...

DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman

Does it work if the whole joke is in the title?

What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?

A genealogist looks up the family tree.

A gynecologist looks up the family bush.

What did the Doorman say to the DNA strand at the entrance to the nightclub?

"Sorry mate, no genes allowed."

Some people say Gene is good

Others say he is a Hack, man!

A white baby was born in a black tribe from the jungle

The news travelled fast around the tribe and soon after, the confusion led to anger. Upon his return from the jungle, the white British zoologist who was living with the tribe for the past 3 years, was quickly apprehended and brought to the tribe's chief to be urgently judged.

At first, the t...

My mom said that my dad told too many puns and dad jokes. She said “you have your fathers genes”

I said his jeans are too big for me

Three men were stranded in a hot desert when suddenly a gene appeared!

The gene says: “I see you three have been walking in this hot desert for over a week and you’re almost out of food and water! I will give each of you one wish, and one wish only!”

The first man immediately shouts “Please teleport me home!”

And in an instant the man was teleported away...

What did Gene Wilder name his drug smuggling operation?

Charlie Up The Chocolate Factory

*Pants*

I always keep a joke in my pocket. My dad always has, and his father had before him.

Its in my genes.

I reckon I have a lucky gene for russian roulette

My grandad played all the time and he only lost once.
I'll bet my life on it.

What will Gene Wilder's last will and testament will say?

YOU GET NOTHING!

Yeah I'm going to hell.

Is being a sub a recessive gene?

Sure is hell ain't a dominant one.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was a boy, Gene Wilder touched me

With his acting as Willy Wonka.

How are a gene pool and a swimming pool similar?

Sometimes you have to use bleach to keep it clean.

What do Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley do after an argument?

They KISS and makeup

What happens when musician Gene Simmons opens up a jewelry shop inspired by his Israeli heritage?

Family Jew-els :)

What part of the fridge do you keep the gene edited baby in?

The CRISPR

How would you tell if a chromosome is male or female?

You unzip the genes

What do you call depression that runs in the family?

Blue genes!

Gene Therapy

The act of watching Gene Wilder films to cope with the loss of Gene Wilder.

This is the place for wordplay, right?

I'm starting to suspect I was cloned from my older brother

All my genes are hand-me-downs

*Adapted from a song by His Royal Weirdness

You find a magic lamp, and a genie comes out of it.

Genie: Hello, I am a genie. I will grant you 1 wish, what is your wish?

You: I wish I didn’t exist

Genie: Your wsh has been granted.

You: Nothng happened?

Gene: Take a moment to consder what you sad there. Wll be on my way now, bye.

A mother and a son walk into a doctor's office

Because the son has been doing very poorly in his classes.

The mother says to the doctor "I think my son has become stupid."

The doctor says in reply "How do you suppose that would happen?"

"I'm sure it had something to do with those vaccines he got last year." said the mom....

Should we eliminate psychopaths from the gene pool?

It might seem like a splendid idea, but as much pain and suffering these individuals put the rest of us through... We still need women for survival of the species.

What happens every time Gene Simmons gets in a fight with his band mates?

They Kiss and makeup

Did you know that every frog used to have at least some polish genes?

In fact, they were a tad-pole.

Scientists have discovered a Gene that makes women more receptive to threesomes

It's a recessive gene though, so both parents have to not love her for the trait to manifest.

Balding grizzles pass their genes to their offspring or...

Bare bears bear bare bears.

I come from a long line of alcoholics.

My gene pool has a swim up bar.

So this dude rubs a lamp and a genie pops out

The genie tells the man he will grant him a wish for setting him free. The man says "Ya know Gene, I love riding motorcycles. Love it more than life itself. I would love to travel across the entire world on my motorcycle, but I'm terrified of boats. Can you make a massive highway, that connects ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Human Genome Project had a breakthrough and isolated the genes that make someone homosexual.

They are skinny genes.

I was watching the Cosmos, when Neil Degrasse Tyson related our genes are similar to ones in trees

That means that all men have got wood in dem jeans.

An 80-year-old man went to the doctor for a general check-up.

The doctor was shocked to see his health,
Asked--
'What is the secret of your good health ....?'

- 'I get up before the sun rises and go out for cycling and then come and drink two glasses of wine!
Maybe this is the secret of my health. '

Doctor - 'Okay, but can I ask you how ...

What does a biologist wear on a first date?

Designer Genes

My wife has a peculiar cooking habit

So, my wife and I are newly weds, and she's a great cook, but I noticed she did something strange when preparing sausages. Just before she puts them in the skillet, she cuts off about an inch on both sides of the sausages.

After having witnessed this a couple of times, I asked her why she di...

An engineer accidentally gave a medical school exam. See his answers:

1. Antibody - One who hates his body .

2. Artery - Study of Fine Paintings or military, not sure.

3. Bacteria - Back door of a Cafeteria .

4. Coma - Punctuation Mark .

5. Gall Bladder - Bladder of a Girl .

6. Genes - Blue Denim.

7. Labour Pain - Hurt at Work...

How do you mix boy and girl chromosomes?

Pull down their genes.

At the doctor investigating my stomach issues, I was asked if I had a family history of stomach issues

I said “why yes, diarrhea runs in my genes.”

Damn girl are you messenger ribonucleic acid?

Cuz you unzip my genes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Had a wank in a pool earlier,

call it a gene pool.

Chuck Norris can only have Chuck Norris as babies.

Because all of his genes are dominant.

I went to the doctor

I said, "I'm suffering from hereditary diarrhea!"

He said, "that sort of thing doesn't run in the family"

I said, "well it's in my genes!"

Did you know diarrhea is actually a hereditary disorder?

Duh, it runs in your Genes (Jeans)!!

Personally, i think that Tide pods are even better than advertised.

I mean, anything that can clean your clothes and the gene pool in the same product...

I once seduced a woman by telling her I'd sequence her DNA

but I stopped at first base when she told me what I'd find in her genes

Doctor: your dad is not with us anymore

Me: damn

Doctor: He’s at a different hospital

Me: oh ok

Doctor: dead

Me: damn

Doctor: I mean my phone. I have to go charge it.

Me: Oh. I thought you meant-

Doctor: Well yeah, that too. He kicked the bucket.

Me: Really?

Doctor: He ...

What did one DNA say to the other DNA?

“Do these genes make me look fat?”

A man walking in the Beach sees a lamp and out of curiosity, starts wiping it.

After wiping it and cleaning it. A gene comes comes. He looks at the sky and greets the person who was cleaning the lamp.

Hello there. I may grant you one wish.
The man says, what happens to three.
The gene says, one is all you get.

The man thinks hard Says.
My family...

What is the smallest body of water in the South?

The gene pool.

How do you stop an anti-vaxer from drowning?

You remove them from the gene pool.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend who is a sex addict says he loves camping.

I guess pitching tents is in his genes.

Did you know lactose intolerance is a genetic thing?

Runs in the family.

A chemist, a biologist and a mathematician are sitting in a cafe, looking out of the window.

They all watch three people walk into a house across the road. After 20 minutes, only two people leave the same house.

The scientists are very confused about what has happened.

'The measurements varied, and therefore the measuring equipment was likely inaccurate,' declares the chemist,...

Hey girl, are you missing your pants?

Because I can give you some of my genes.

What do diarrhea and hair color have in common?

They both run in your genes.

Tide announced the new motto for their pods line.

Cleaning the gene pool since 2017.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A female journalist is taking a tour of a new science facility.

Scientist: Here at our lab we've been testing what would happen to GMO foods if, instead of producing foods with genes intended for fast production, we could develop GMO foods into potentially another form of species.

Journalist: That's interesting what foods have you tested this on?

...

I told my Biology lab partner to let me be her DNA helicase...

So I can unzip those genes.

THIS IS A TRUE STORY

When I was in my tenth grade biology honors class, we were tasting a compound known as PTC. For those of you that don't know PTC is a chemical that you can either taste, super-taste or not taste at all and it depends entirely on genetics. I couldn't taste it but my tablemate Eric (made up name for p...

Did you hear about the guy with IBS?

Runs in his genes!

My family has a chronic diarrhea problem.

I guess you could say it runs in our genes.

An Indian scientist was collaborating with an American called Robert

Both of them being genetic researchers, they had reached a breakthrough in rice where a gene introduced would help it grow in the most adverse of conditions. They called it Victory gene, or V gene for short.

But Robert decided to steal the credit for himself, so he stole the v gene, and escap...

One day a man is taking a shower in his family home. His dad walks in on him while he is drying off and notices his son is Huge.

The dad says: Holy hell son, where have you been hiding that thing?!

The son looks over to his pants lying on the floor and replies to his dad:
".....In my Genes."

Medical joke (short)

Scientists have found the gene that makes people shy. They found it hiding behind another gene.

What are your three wishes?

Me: Make all words 4 letters long.

Gene: Wish grnt

MeMe: Make alll word star with "ye"

Yene: Yesh Yent

Yeme: yeke yell yerd year yeth "et"

Yeet: Yeet Yeet

Yeet: Yeet Yeet Yeet

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