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I'd always heard how men pee on shit stains to make them go away

But that only made my boss call the cops on me.

My wife keeps complaining about having a headache that won't go away.

I keep telling her that I have a name.

A man's wife is close to giving birth but he has to go away on business.

He asks his brother to look after his wife. A couple days into the trip and his brother calls from the hospital.

"I have good news and bad news. Good news is you have perfectly healthy twins! A boy and a girl! The bad news is they had to put your wife under for the birth. She's fine, but the...

Technically Trump was right about when Covid-19 would go away.

Odds are we'll be opening back up by Easter.

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The chief of a tribe has terrible gas pains that won’t go away

They’ve tried every remedy they know, and nothing is working. Finally, the fastest runner in the tribe agrees to travel outside the forest to a modern city and visit a pharmacy. He takes off running and gets there within an hour, walks up to a pharmacist, and says,

“Big chief. No fart.”
...

What did the pirate say to the werewolf to make it go away?

Ag ag ag ag!

My dyslexia is a little unique. I often end up reading words backwards, without realising, and it annoys the hell out of people. I sit by my bed and pray every single night for it to go away, "maybe he'll fix it", I thought...

After all, God is a man's best friend.

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I took some viagra and now my erection won't go away.

I think I have a shoplifting fetish.

What do you call the body odor from smoking Canabis that just wont go away?

An Elongated Musk.

Go away bee, don't bother me.

A wise man once told me, if a bee is bothering you, don't swat or run away, just stand still and look right at it, because seeing is believing.

Rain Rain Go Away

That's what all my haters say.
-cumulonimbus clouds probably

There’s a magical being that consumes seconds, minutes, and hours for food who will go away if you feed it enough

It takes time

English to become the official European language

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. 

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement an...

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This farmer has a roster that screws every living creature in sight...

Farmer's neighbor wants to breed his chickens, but his rooster was eaten by a fox, so he goes and asks his neighbor for help.

"Hey Joe... So, I know your roster has quite a sex drive. How about you make some money and wear him out a bit? I need about 200 of my hens bred and will pay you well ...

A man tells his Rabbi: "I have a deep desire to live forever. What should I do?"

Rabbi: "Go and get married"

Man: "That's it? How will that allow me to live forever?"

Rabbi: "It won't, but your desire will go away."

A man's girlfriend got mad at him and locked him out of his apartment.

He tried everything he could think of to get back in, but he finally resorted to pounding loudly on the door and shouting "Knock, Knock"

After several repetitions, his girlfriend shouted through the door. "Go away!"

"No," he replied, "you're supposed to say 'Who's there?'"

"Ugh,...

A man traveling through Thailand sees a monk light a fire with only the heat from his hands

He walks over to the Monk and says “how did you do that?” The monk replies “with enough training you can do things that appear impossible, what is the one thing you most want to achieve in life?” The man replies “I’d love to be able to jump as high as a house so I can compete in the NBA” the monk re...

A young man moves into a new house...

Everything is going well, however, in one room, from under the floorboard, rowdy carpenter ants come crawling out.


The young man asks his neighbor what to do.


His neighbor informs him that this ant infestation can only be quelled by other ants; if you get well-behaved ants an...

Knock knock; Who's there?

W.H.O. says we must social distance, so go away.

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A girl goes to the doctor’s complaining of a strange mark on her chest.

When she shows it to the doctor, he sees a letter C imprinted on her breasts.

“How did you get this?” he enquires.

“It’s my boyfriend. He wears a medallion around his neck which has a C on the end of it, representing the university he goes to – Cambridge. And when we make love, it pres...

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A dragon appears and burns down a village...

...so the inhabitants of the another village across the river plead with Sir Roland, a mighty knight, to come and slay the beast.

Sir Roland dons his best plate, arms himself with his finest weapons, and rides out to battle the dragon. He comes to the area where the beast was last seen, and f...

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Race horse Pat

There was a race horse named Pat, who was one of the greatest race horses to ever live. He set records that were near impossible to beat. After a long time of racing, he retired to an old stable with some old friends. They were very happy that he retired there to stay with him, and congratulated him...

Smile on the face, pain in the heart

If it ain't a heart attack, it will go away with a fart

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sex joke

a guy wakes up with a ring around his penis. he goes to the doctor to see what's up with it. as he enters the doctors office, he says "doctor, i woke up with a red ring around my penis is there anything i can take to make it go away?"
the doctor handed him a tube and says "here. take this. apply ...

A man turns to his wife and says: "Honey, pack your bags because I won the lottery."

She asks: "Do I take summer clothes or winter clothes?"
He replies: "Take it all, go away."

The caretaker of a generation ship was on his death bed

Many years before, Jacques had helped place all his friends and family into cryogenic sleep. He was a young man then and they all knew that he would likely be long dead by the time they reached their destination. They said their tearful goodbyes and drifted off to sleep.

In the years he spent...

Patient's last words

A seriously ill patient is lying on a hospital bed with an oxygen mask,

Plug the tube. Suddenly, the patient began to twitch and his mouth was squirming. There seems to be something to say. Upon seeing this, the pastor standing nearby bent down and asked softly Said: "Do you want to say somet...

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The Knob

One day Betty, who has had many cosmetic surgeries over the years is visiting her plastic surgeon.

He says, hey, there's a new device I wanted to tell you about. It's called 'the knob'. What it is, is a flat little knob that we'll fit to the back of your head, under your hair. Any time your ...

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Grandma joke

3 teenagers are walking in their neighbourhood, when they come across a house with an red apple tree in the garden.

The 3 go over the fence and steal some apples to eat.

While they are eating the apples, the grandma sees them and shouts:“Hey don’t steal my apples you little shits”
<...

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A conversation with my boner

”Either youre gonna go away or im gonna beat the shit out of you”

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Little birds

A little girl was walking by the shore when she see a nude man laying in a chair. Out of curiosity, she pointed at his penis and asked “ mister, mister what is that?” . He replied “ that is my little bird. Now go away so I can take my afternoon nap “.

Four hour later, the man wake up from hi...

Three days ago, in the midst of the coronavirus pandemic, Donald Trump was visited by the ghost of George Washington.

"George," Trump asked, "how can I fix this? How do I make America great again?"

"Never tell a lie."

"I don't lie. Go away."

Two days ago, he was visited by the ghost of Thomas Jefferson.

"Hey, Tom, how do I fix this? How can I make America great again?"

"Listen to ...

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Unknown Punchline ... Help

My grandfather was an amateur stand-up and used to run material by anyone who would listen.

From the time I was 4 until I was about 10 he would take me bowling with him about once a week with his fellow old-guys.

I have a vivid memory from when I was about 7-years-old of him telling ...

With all the recent posts it is my turn too to see if this French joke translates well to English

I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries

Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time

I told you I was broke

A little lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning" said the young man. "If I can take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high power vacuum cleaner"

"G...

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Kid goes to the local pet store...

A 10 tear old boy with a bad lisp goes to the local pet store and asks "Ethuse mne, thir, do you haff any birth sneed?"

The shop keeper says "Go away kid, I'm busy."

The boy leaves and comes back a couple of days later and says "Ethuse mne, thir, do you haff any birth sneed?"

...

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So there's a new machine down at the drug store...

Kevin and Tom are talking one day at the bar when Kevin mentions his elbow has been bothering him and he needs to make a doctor's appointment.

Tom tells him, "No, don't make an appointment. There's an amazing new machine down at the drug store. All you do is put in a urine sample and $10 and...

Another Parrot Joke

A young couple bought a parrot, but quickly discovered that he could cause them a lot of embarrassment. Every time someone came to the house, he would tell them what the couple had been up to, particularly what went on in the evenings on the sofa.

“That’s it, I’ve had enough,” said the man, “...

NSFW: Too Tight!

So I just heard this one from, believe it or not, my sweet old mom. I'm not sure if it's original or not.

An older woman goes to a plastic surgeon who has perfected a fantastic new technique. As he's doing a face lift he installs a little screw on the top of each clients head. This way, ...

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A beautiful women is standing on a bridge!!

A beautiful woman is standing on a bridge, looking over the side and thinking about jumping off.

A homeless man walks up to her.

She sees the man coming and says, "Go away! There's nothing you can say to change my mind!"

He says, "Well, if you're going to kill yourself anyway, w...

A magical teddy bear decided to go for a walk

The bear decided to walk down the street and he stumbled across an alley where he heard some weird sounds. Being a teddy bear, it figured no one would care if it saw them as long as it acted natural. So it went to see what was happening.

The bear noticed an infamous criminal beating a man to...

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Damm girl, are you the coronavirus?

Because you piss me off and I want you to go away.

A man went to the doctor and told him, "Every night for the past month and a half, I have dreams in which I have wrestling matches with donkeys."

The doctor gave him some pills and said, "Take these, and your dreams will go away."

"Can I start taking them tomorrow?" the man asked.

"Why?" the doctor inquired.

"Because I'm scheduled to wrestle in the championship match tonight," he replied.

Genie: you have three wishes

me: make math go away

Genie: ok, that one's on the house

me: yay, so I still get three wishes?

Genie: huh?

If trump was notified of an alien invasion.

“There’s an alien spacecraft but it’s not on course to earth.”

“Our specialists, they’re very special people, have concluded that this is just an alien spaceship making a simple flyby our solar system”

“The alien ship is getting close to our american soil but there is nothing to worry ...

Professional taster

In a winery in Napa Valley, California, a new wine tester has just died. The president of the company worriedly published the newspaper, looking for a replacement. A mysterious drunk, ragged clothes came to apply for a job. The employer wanted to kick him drunk and go away but still wanted to test ...

(NSFW) A Catholic priest is walking down an alleyway when a man comes up to him.

"Pictures of little boys?"

"Go away," the priest responded angrily, "I am a Man of God."

"Come on, pictures of little boys?"

"Go away and repent sinner", the priest replied, "I will have none of it!"

"Come on father, pictures of little boys?"

"Alright fine, how man...

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