Cowboys don’t roll joints.

They tumble weed.

A young aristocratic woman pulls up to a large New York bank in her Rolls Royce.

She parks in front of the bank and goes inside where she is greeted by a banker.

"Hi, Sir. I would like to take out a loan using my Rolls Royce as collateral" the woman says to the banker.

"Yes ma'am. How much money will you need to borrow?" he asks.

"$500.00 please" says the ...

Chicken and an egg are lying in bed. Chicken rolls over, lights up a smoke and says,

“Well, guess that answers that question.”

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An old man was sitting on his porch one morning when a boy walked up the road carrying a large roll of chicken wire.

“Hey, boy! What are you doing with all that chicken wire?”

“I’m gonna catch some chickens, sir.”

“You fool, you can’t catch no chickens with chicken wire.”

The boy smiled and walked off. That evening he came back dragging the chicken wire with at least a dozen chickens rolled up...

Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?

To get to the bottom


My daughter told me that this morning, I assume she didn't think of it herself but how old is it?

I laughed.

What do you call British Rock and Roll?

Stone and Scone

I had a happy childhood, my dad used to put me inside a tyre and roll me down a hill.....

......They were Goodyears.

I want to have a cheese salad roll with bacon and olives before I die..

It's on my baguette list....

I wrote down the names of all the people I hate on a piece of paper, but my roommate used that to roll up his joint.

He’s now high on the list of people I never want to see again.

Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?

To get to the bottom

Two rolls of toilet paper walked into a bar.

...one ran out.

2 mice are chewing on a roll of film

One looks at the other and says "the book was better"

How do you make an egg roll?

You push it!

Man goes to meet his drug dealer,

He asks him if he has anything to fix his stiff joints.

The dealer gives him his usual baggie of weed and says " Don't roll them so hard next time"

An F-111 was flying escort with a B-52 and generally making a nuisance of himself by flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber.

The message for the B-52 crew was, "Anything you can do, I can do better."

Not to be outdone, the bomber pilot announced that he would rise to the challenge.

The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level, however.

Perplexed, the fighter pilot asked, "So? What did you do?"...

Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me

Then someone else told me shootings happened because of video games

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A Navy Chief rolls onto base and sees two marines, one is digging a hole and the other marine is filling in a hole behind him.

A Navy Chief rolls onto base and sees two marines, one is digging a hole and the other marine is filling in a hole behind him. He doesn’t think much of it until lunch when he goes for a walk and sees the two still at and a whole line of freshly dug and filled in holes. He walks up to them.

C...

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A fighter pilot and a cargo pilot are flying around, talking shit to each other on the radio. The fighter pilot goes on about how much cooler he is than the cargo pilot and says, "Watch this, brah!" hits the afterburner, does a barrel roll and then a loop.

"Top that!" he shouts to the cargo pilot.

"Ok, well watch this." says the cargo pilot.

The plane just goes straight for a while.

"How'd you like that?" asks the cargo pilot.

The fighter pilot is confused and asks, "What did you do?"

The cargo pilot replies, "I went...

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A father whale and his son are swimming when the son whale asks his father "where did I come from." The father whale replies "from my penis son." The son rolls his eyes and says "thanks dad" to which the father whale replies

"you're whale cum son, you're whale cum."

How can you tell when you've found a really good rock n roll band in Minnesota?





They have two accordions

Next time you make dinner rolls, be sure and get some clay and make a model of it. Give it a name, and you will always find it useful in your time of need!

After all, it is important to have a roll model.



\-my grandpa

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#173: A little boy goes walking by the old man’s house carrying a roll of duct tape.

The old man hollers from his porch, “Hey, young man! Where you walking to with that duct tape?”

The boy responds, “I’m gonna catch me some ducks!”

The old man laughs and yells back, “Boy, don’t you know you can’t catch ducks with duct tape?”

The little boy just smiles, waves, an...

What's the difference between a diploma and a roll of wallpaper?

When someone hands you a roll of wallpaper, you know you have a job ahead of you.

A roll of duct tape walks into a bar. Bartender, polishing up a glass, asks politely: “What can I get you?”

The duct tape looks around, thinks for a moment and says, “I think I’ll just stick to my usual.”

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Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown NY City bank and went in to ask for a $5K loan

The loan officer requested collateral, and the man gave him the keys of the Rolls-Royce. The car was driven into the bank's underground parking and the man was given the $5K.



Two weeks later the man goes to the bank and asks to settle up his loan. The officer tells him "It will be $5...

I'd always roll into class late super stoned or hung over, id try to sneak to my desk without people noticing

I really was a bad kindergarten teacher

Why did Marcel Duchamp’s kids always roll their eyes at him?

Because of all the Dada jokes!

Happy Father’s Day

If you are wearing formal wear, try this: Roll up the big tongue and small tongue of your necktie and let them go at the same time, guess which tongue would roll out completely first?

It's a tie.

A roll of toilet paper walks into a bar...

The bartender says, “Man, you look awful! What’s up?”
The toilet paper says, “Nothing, really. I’m just wiped.”

I've always been told, life is like a roll of toilet paper

The closer you get to the end, the faster it seems to go

I've heard that "Never gonna give you up" is a great song.

But everytime I'm asking for a link I'm just getting rickrolled...

Roll 5 of the same number and it’s called a Yahtzee.

Roll nein, and it’s a nahtzee.

Three murderers are on death row. The day rolls around for their execution. The first man sits in the electric chair and the priest says...

“Any last words?” The murderer exclaims “I’m innocent!” They pull the handle, but nothing happens. The electricity doesn’t run. The priest, astonished, says “that’s a 1 in a million chance, it must be a sign from god. you have be telling the truth.” And the first murderer is free to go.

The s...

Interviewer: "Do you like rock 'n' roll"

Sisyphus: "Not even a bit."

Two mice were eating film rolls in an abandoned cinema. "Do you like it?" asks one of them.

"It's good, but the book was better", replies the other one.

Has anybody lost a large roll of 20 dollar bills in a rubber band?

Because we found the rubber band.

I asked my boss what to do with this huge roll of bubble wrap

He said, just pop it there in the corner.
It took me 4 goddamn hours.

Bob is walking down the street when he says his old friend John passing in a brand new Rolls Royce

On seeing his old friend, John pulls over to say hello.

Bob sees the Rolls Royce and exclaims," Wow, how did you get the great car?"

John says," So I was going out for a walk on a sunny afternoon when a beautiful woman pulled over in this Rolls Royce and asked if I wanted a lift, so I ...

I once bought a synonym roll

but they had a different name for it.

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A head rolls into a bar

It orders a drink from the oldest bottle in the bar, the bartender points to an old bottle and shows it to the guy the man says “yes” the bartender proceeds to open the bottle and out of the bottle comes a genie who tells the head it has 3 wishes.

The head says “I wish I had my whole body” <...

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Note: Never piss off a musician with a steam roller

Unless you want to B♭

What's green and rolls?

Grass. I lied about the rolling part.

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A guy takes his Rolls Royce for a service...

A guy takes his Rolls Royce into the dealership for a service.
They drive it into the service bay and the chief mechanic decides to let the new trainee clean up the interior to give him something to do.
He's vacuuming the carpets in the front footwell when he finds a golf tee.
He has no id...

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Just bought the Missus a Pug dog. Despite the squashed eyes, rolls of fat and being ugly as fuck.

The Pug seems to like her.

Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross...

“Something for this I have.” Yoda says. He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.

He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, th...

A box of tissues is mingling with a roll of toilet paper at a party.

Tissues to toilet paper: “so that’s what I do. It’s so embarrassing. What is it that you do?”

I don't always roll a joint, but when I do

It's my ankle

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A man notices his wife’s butt is getting big...

“I bet your butt is as big as my grill.”

His wife rolls her eyes, but he gets a tape measure, measures her bottom, measures the grill, and teases her that they’re about the same size.

That night, he tries to see if he can get lucky. “Not tonight,” says his wife.

He asks her why ...

A politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and ...

A black piece of tarmac rolls into a bar

And says to the bartender "I'm the toughest guy around, I'll fight anyone in here, point someone out and I'll go kick their ass."

The bartender points to a red piece of tarmac and says "How about that guy there?"

The black piece of tarmac looks over, gulps, and says "Not that guy, he's...

What's the best thing about a roll of duct tape?

It turns "no no no!" into "Mmm, mmm, mmmm"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest enters a fish market.

When he asks what the man behind the counter recommends, the man brings out a large fish. "My goodness!" The priest exclaims. "That fish is huge!" "Yeah." The man replies. "It's a big son of a bitch." The priest says "Sir. Please mind your language." Thinking quickly, the man says "Oh. No. The name ...

A guy rolls through a stop sign.

He's in a hurry and looks both ways sees there is no traffic but suddenly gets pulled over by police. The police officer walls up to the window and asks why he didn't stop. Guy responds with he was just in a hurry and didn't see any traffic. The officer has him to step out of his vehicle then starts...

A guy walks into a bar with an Ostrich

A man walks Into a bar with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, “A hamburger, fries and a beer,” and turns to the ostrich, “What’s yours?”
“I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. “That wi...

What do you call when two people roll marihuana together?

A joint effort.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I sit here and realize I’m wiped from each side’s argument. It doesn’t even matter which way I roll; I still get shit. I refuse to push it any harder.

I really don’t care which way the toilet paper faces.

Optimus Prime: Autobots, roll out!

Pessimus Prime: Why? We’ll just lose...

How do you get a Jewish girl’s number?

Roll up her sleeve

A guy goes into a bar and says to the bartender, "If I show you the most amazing thing you've ever seen, will you let me drink for free tonight?"

The bartender says, "Let me see and I'll consider it."

So the guy reaches into his bag and pulls out a miniature piano and a hamster. The hamster sits in front of the piano and starts playing. And not just banging out "Chopsticks", the hamster is plays Chopin, some ragtime, and even some rock...

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Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Darryl and Gary. The three men had always done everything together!

Darryl arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Darryl said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him...

"Doctor, doctor! My little boy just swallowed a roll of film!"

Doctor: Well, let's hope nothing develops.

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