A pirate walks into his favorite bar with a roll of paper towels on his head

The bartender says " What's with the paper towels Skipper? "

The pirate says " Arr, there be a bounty on me head "

As I rolled from my date and pulled off the condom, she complained "Is that it?"

"Well,we did doggie, so it should count as 14 minutes"

A grey piece of tarmac rolls into a bar

He says "I'm the biggest and toughest piece of tarmac around, and I'll fight anybody in here."

The barman says "if you're so tough, go fight that red piece of tarmac over there."

The grey piece of tarmac looks over at the red piece of tarmac and says "I'm not fighting that guy, he's ...

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Rolled a joint* today and hadda drag...*

*my ankle

*...my ass to the ER.

My stoner friend used my daily planner to roll up a joint

He’s now high on my list of priorities.

Classic Rock and Roll Trivia

I learned today that 3 of the guys who performed on "Rosanna" and "Africa" also played on "Dust in the Wind". Music journalist asked them why they joined the new band and they said

"Toto? We aren't in Kansas anymore".

I found recipe in a Moroccan book for rolls.

It calls for fresh thyme, but I only had dried thyme and it was expired. I made it anyway and I really like that old thyme Moroccan roll!

How I roll

1. Crouch down.
2. Lean my head forward.

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Why does Shaggy always let Scooby roll their joints?

Because shaggys joints don't always turn out good but Scooby's doobies do

A man is sitting in a new sports car when a little girl pulls up beside him on her new bicycle she just received for Christmas. She knocks on his window, which he rolls down to see what she wants.

"Wanna race, mister?" she asks, ringing her bell and twirling the elastic streamers on her handlebars.

"Sure," the man laughs. The light turns green and he floors the pedal. The car takes off like a shot and he leaves the little girl in the dust.

A few seconds later though, he sees som...

What do you call it when someone coerces you into smoking marijuana rolled into a cigar and it mentally scars you?

Blunt force trauma

During the pandemic I saw an old lady in the supermarket searching for toilet rolls on the empty shelves. I almost broke down, thinking about the horrific nature of humanity. I reached deep into my pocket, and there I found a toilet roll.

Then I wiped away my tears and walked off.

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A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.




The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and e...

I told my daughter, "Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?" She rolled her eyes at me, but I persevered. "It’s true!"

"When was the last time you ate a monkey?!"

A cardiac specialist died and at his funeral the coffin was placed in front of a huge mock up of a heart made up of flowers. When the pastor finished with the sermon and eulogy, and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside and the heart closed.

Just then one of the mourners burst into laughter.
The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"
"I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.
"What's so funny about that?"
"I'm a gynecologist."

I rolled for Perception with advantage, and both were crits...

Guess you could say I've got 20 / 20 vision.

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives.

"Do you and your wife ever do it doggy style?" asked the one.

"Well, not exactly." His friend replied, "She's more into the trick dog aspect of it."

"Oh, I see, kinky, huh?"

"Well, not exactly. I sit up and beg, and she rolls over and plays dead."

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Roll play sex.

I had sex for 3 hrs today,

We role played as Doctor and Patient.

I was in the waiting room for 2 hours and 57 minutes.

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Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde woman from South Alabama arrives and bets $20,000 on a single roll of dice. She says, "I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless."

With that, she strips to the waist, rolls the dice, and yells, "Come on, Southern girl needs new clothes!" As the dice bounce and come to a stop, she jumps up and down and squeals, "Yes! Yes! I won! I won!" She hugs each of the dealers, picks up her winnings, and her clothes, and quickly departs. Th...

I wrote down the names of all the people I hate, but my roommate used the paper to roll up his joint.

Now he’s high on the list of people I never want to see again.

John rolls out of his room into the apartment,

John rolls out of his room into the apartment, looking like some misshapen ball. His roommate Ron, horrified, asks what happened.

“Oh nothing major, I just found a genie and told him I could use a joint, looks like he misinterpreted and turned me into a human knee,” said John.

“A kn...

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My first ever dirty-ish joke I ever heard, still makes me laugh….. A man is visiting his elderly father in a care home

The man asks how his father is settling in.

“Oh, it’s wonderful son, I’ve made some great friends, I’m well rested and at night the nurses give us a hot chocolate and a viagra before bed every night”.

When, leaving, curious to know about the viagra, he asks a nurse.

“Excuse me,...

Why did the toilet paper roll down hill?

To get to the bottom

"I'm so sorry, my dog ate my homework." Rolling his eyes, my computer science professor shot back, "Really?! Your dog ate your coding assignment?"

"Well, to be perfectly honest, it did take him a couple bytes."

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What does standing on a rolling chair and sex have in common?

Both are *Not Safe for Work*

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What Does The USS Enterprise And A Roll Of Toilet Paper Have In Common?

They both hang around Uranus looking for Klingons!

I was feeling lethargic and apathetic so I took a vacation to the Bahamas. Still completely unmotivated, I just sat on the beach with a bottle of rum for hours and watched as a storm rolled in.

I was in a tropical depression.

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I was driving along at 70mph when this motorbike pulled up alongside me and the rider gestured at me to roll the window down

so I did, and he leaned his entire head and shoulders into my car, he's got a cigarette between his lips and he says "Hey mate, could you give us a light?"

"Are you trying to fucking kill yourself?!" I screamed.

He shrugged at me. "It's all right, I'm down to ten a day now."

A man rolls through a Stop sign…

An officer sees this, and pulls the man over.

“Do you know why I pulled you over?” The officer asks.

“No sir,” the man replies.

“Then please step out of the vehicle,” the officer commands. The man complies, and the officer starts rapidly beating him with his baton.

“Ow o...

When I’m about to run out of toilet paper I always bring two new rolls to the bathroom

an heir and a spare for the throne!

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A man goes to a Doctor's Office about his penis

A man walks gingerly into the office where he is met by a nurse with whom he speaks to

"Err, nurse? Excuse me, this isn't easy for me to say, but you have to promise you won't laugh"

"Well, sir, on my honour as a nurse and a lady, in my 20 years in this profession, I haven't once laugh...

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After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening….

when the wife felt her husband begin to touch her in ways he hadn’t in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.
He then slid his hand across her shoulders and neck, slowly worked it down one side, then the oth...

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering ...

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the li...

An eye-rolling joke

Dad: You know who all I saw today?

Daughter: Who?

Dad: Everybody I looked at

Daughter: Huh?!

Dad: You don't like my vision joke? Too bad, that's how eye-roll ** rolls eyes **

Daughter: I'm not laughing at your eye rolling jokes again

Dad: Why? Is it too "...

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Working on an offshore oil rig.

So the new guy is being shown around the offshore oil rig. And while being fascinated by the ship and machinery, he nervously asks the old-timer, "We're going to be out here for over month, and I don't see any women. Not one. What do we when we get horny?"

The old timer nods knowingly and ...

50 Dollars

Earl and his wife Diane went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Diane, I'd like to ride in that stunt airplane." Diane always replied, "I know, Earl, but that airplane ride costs 50 dollars, and 50 dollars is 50 dollars." One year Earl and Diane went to the fair and Earl...

Some people say I roll the best joints in the world

It's a doobious honour.

An attractive blonde walks into a casino

The two bored dealers look at her and their eyes spark up. The blonde then makes a huge bet of $100,000 on a roll of a dice.

Before she rolls, she asks the dealers whether she could take her top off. The two dealers immediately agree.

The blonde takes her top off, and proceeds with the...

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A father whale and his son are swimming when the son whale asks his father "where did I come from." The father whale replies "from my penis son." The son rolls his eyes and says "thanks dad" To which the father whale replies...

"You're whale cum son, you're whale cum."

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So Joe had these headaches...

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to rem...

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer.

They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to setup a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.' So Satan and Jesus sat do...

Our company recently did a password audit, it was found that an employee was using the following password:

**"VaderObiwanLukeBobafettGandalfFrodoGimliLegolasSacramento"**

When asked why he had such a long password, he rolled his eyes and said: *Hello! It has to be at least 8 characters and include at least one capital."*

For my cake day, here's the oldest joke in my email, sent to me in 1996.

In honor of my cake day, I'm sharing the oldest joke in my email archive, that was sent to me on September 17, 1996.



Three unrelated men happen to die on the same day and go to heaven. St. Peter meets them at the gates and says "Congratulations! You've all made it to Heaven. Now, de...

There are three men walking in the desert

The first man is carrying a glass of water. The other two men asked him why?

The man replied “if we get thirsty, we can drink it.

The second man is carrying a bowl of rice. The other two men ask why.

The man replied “if we get hungry, we can eat it.”

The third man is car...

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A man scores a hot date

Not wanting to disappoint his date in the bedroom, he goes to the doctor to get his penis enlarged. The doctor says, "we happen to have a new experimental procedure that uses muscle cells from an elephant trunk that should do the trick." To which the man accepts.

Later on, the man and his dat...

I caught a really bad case of the flu in Madrid...

Whilst sniffling and coughing and rolling around in the hotel bed, I realised I needed medical attention, so I called the concierge to get help.

"Oh, so you're sick!" came the reply. "Not a problem, we'll send our very own hotel doctor up to your room right away!"

The doctor strolled i...

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A woman playing golf hits a nearby man...

She rushes over to the man who is on the ground, rolling around screaming in pain with his hands between his legs.

She profusely apologizes and offers to relieve his pain since she is a doctor and reluctantly he agrees. She gently moves his hands to his sides and unzips his pants and puts her...

Here’s the oldest dirty joke I know

Ethyl and Gladys walk the same route every day, and they stop at the same bench to smoke a cigarette before finishing their walk back to their apartments.


One day, just as they lit their cigarette, it starts to rain. Neither ladies brought umbrellas.


Gladys, the innovator s...

My boss arrived at work in a brand-new Rolls Royce.

Wow,” I said. “That’s an amazing car.”

He replied, “If you work hard, put all your hours in, and strive for excellence, I’ll get another one next year!”

How can you tell the difference between spring rolls and summer rolls?

By their seasoning.

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A girl named Yu was being held captive by a tribe of goblins...

The goblins were very particular about how they did things, as they enjoyed toying with their captives. They all had a bizarre sense of humor.

“Let me go!” shouted Yu, who was suspended twenty feet in the air by ropes and pulleys. The goblins just chuckled at the fact that they knew she could...

"Where do you want this big roll of bubble wrap?" I asked my boss. "Just pop it in the corner" he said.

Took me three hours...

I rolled my first joint last night!

Today I have an ankle the size of a football. :(

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Jane had developed a certain attraction to Tarzan. So during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex. "Tarzan not know what is sex" he replied. Jane then explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said ...."Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Stunned by his response, Jane said: "Tarzan you have it all wrong, you don't shag a tree to get yourself off. Tell you what, I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing, got completely naked and laid down on...

Why did the toilet roll go to rehab?

Addicted to crack.

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There was a mouse that used to stop by a neighborhood tavern every night…

Like clockwork, at 5:15 pm that screen door would kick open and if you looked closely you’d see that crazy little mouse. He’d sprint to his bar stool, spin around the pole on one arm and hop right up to the cushion with a big shit-eating grin. High fives with the bartender. “Gimme a beer, Sam!” “Sur...

An American radio station once rang the British Embassy, and asked the ambassador what would be his ideal Christmas present.

He thought: ”I’d better not say anything extravagant or expensive, like a Rolls-Royce, because if they gave me something like that it would cause a scandal.” So he said: “A box of crystallised fruits.”

A couple of days later, in a holiday special, the station announced: “We asked amba...

Inflation at the veterinarians office

A duck got trampled.

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has pa...

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A man's wife falls into a coma...

And after sitting by her side for several weeks the man finally has a new doctor give him some advice.

Doctor: Sometimes patients respond when they are given physical stimuli. What do you think about a massage.

Man: ok, I'll give her feet a rub.

After a few minutes the woman let...

A joke my Polish friend loved.

[Full of errors I'm sure. On to the brilliant joke.]

A polish farmeris tilling his field. It's another beautiful spring day when suddenly his plough hits something. Upon inspection he sees that it's some sort of golden lamp. He dusts it off and a genie comes out of it and says to the humble p...

"How was your blind date?"

A college student asked her 21 year old roommate.

"Terrible!" The roommate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."

"Wow! That's a very expensive classic car. What's so bad about that?"

"He was the original owner."

Mini van roll over results in one fatality.

As the older model Ford Aerostar rolled over the driver was ejected. The vehicle then rolled over the driver, piercing him with the exterior mounted antenna. The driver expired before paramedics arrived.

Medical examiner's report states. The driver died of a Van Aerial Disease.

Guy is rolling down the sidewalk in a desk chair

He has a laptop under one arm, a phone under the other. A portable printer on his lap. He has a small wastepaper basket on his head. A swingline stapler in his shirt pocket

Cop spots him and says "what do you think you are doing?"

"Impersonating an office, sir."

A woman goes into an art gallery and sees two still-life pictures. Both are of a table laid for lunch with a glass of wine, a basket of bread rolls and a plate of sliced ham. However, one picture is selling for $75 and the other for $100.

Curious, she goes to the gallery owner and asks him what the difference is between the two pictures. The owner points at the $100 painting and says, “You get more ham with that one.”

An atheist is walking through the woods

An atheist is walking through the woods, enjoying the scenes of nature, the birds chirping, the beauty of trees, the fauna, marveling what evolution has managed over the course of centuries and millennia of development.



Suddenly, through the brush, a grizzly bear crashes. Roaring and...

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There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.

The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the n...

A guy gets from a plane and goes to a brothel house, he knocks on the door and an attractive woman opens the door.

"I wanna see Natalie".

The lady looks the man up and down, he clearly doesn't have a lot of money.

"Sir to see Natalie you will have to pay $1,000 for half an hour"

"Is no problem, I have ze money"

Just then a gorgeous brunette in a black evening gown comes dow...

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A frog walked into a bank for a loan.

He took a number and when it was his turn walked up to the available teller. Noticing her name placard said Patricia Wack, he said “Hello Patricia, I demand a 10 thousand dollar loan for a new business venture.” Astonished at the circumstances she found herself in, the teller told the frog she would...

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After making love, a guy rolls over and says "That's the best sex I've ever had!"

Then he notices a picture of a man on the nightstand. Worried, he asks "Is that your husband"?

"No silly" she replied, as she snuggled into him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked

"Nope", she replied.

"Then who?" he asked?

"That's me before surgery" she replies.

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Old man Sitting on his front porch. (Long)

One afternoon he see a kid ride past on his bike with a roll of chicken wire. The old guy asks: "Where are you heading with that chicken wire son?"

"I'm gonna catch me some chickens down at the park".

"You don't catch chickens with chicken wire"

The old feller shakes his head ...

Cowboys don’t roll joints

They tumble weed

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At a university for wizards, an undergrad was having a big week. He had just learned his first spell. Freeze, Level 1.

Turns out he was a natural. By the second day, he could freeze his classmates for ten seconds. When Friday came, the professor declared he was ready for the final project: to freeze people in public.

Over the weekend, he went looking for a place to cast. He needed somewhere with a lot of peop...

Sometimes I like to think back to when my dad used to put me in tires and roll me down the hill

...those were the Goodyears.

Was cleaning out our attic today when I found a dusty old Rolling Stone Magazine. One of the articles was about the late great singer Sam Cooke and had a photo of his report card from school.

History ~ Incomplete

Biology ~ Incomplete

Science ~ Incomplete

French ~ Incomplete

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NSFW. I walked in on my wife having sex with my best friend.

So I did what any husband would do.

Took a rolled up newspaper and smacked him on the nose saying, "Bad dog! Very Bad dog!"

Hunting camp always has a bob....

Every morning Bob would walk over to his favorite log to drop his morning log. While doing his business, he would fall asleep, when he woke up, he would have done his business in his sleep. It was a good system.

His buddies knew his morning routine and thought it would be fun to pla...

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A bear and a rabbit are arguing in the forest...

The genie is quite sick of hearing them so he decides to do something about it.

"Gentlemen!" He exclaims, popping up between them in a puff of sparkly blue smoke, "You are clearly not happy. So, to mitigate this, I shall grant each of you three wishes!"

"OH! OH! I shall go first!" The ...

The Smart Blonde

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce, park...

An abderite sees an eunuch alogside a woman

He asks him: "is this your wife?". The eunuch answers: "eunuchs can't have wives".

"So is it your daughter?".

I browsed through Philogelos ("Love of Laughter") which is the oldest joke collection that has survived. It is written in ancient Greek. Also, it was pretty funny when I dicov...

A person unsure if God exists rolled a numbered cube to determine the answer.

It was a diagnostic test.

I know it's way too soon, but... How many times did Tiger's SUV roll?

FOUR!!!



I'm going to Hell.

Upon Arriving Home, A Husband Was Met At The Door By His Sobbing Wife

Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the phamacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him,

"Now, just a minute, please list...

My uncle took my weed so I took his wheelchair.

If I'm not rolling, then nobody is.

One day, Tarzan is swinging through the jungle on his favourite vine when he crashes into a monkey swinging in the other direction.

They both land safely on a tree limb below, but when Tarzan looks up, there is only one vine hanging above them. Next to it, there is only a very thin branch.

"Were you swinging on that thing?" asks Tarzan.

"Yes," replies the monkey.

Tarzan is amazed. "How do you do that?"
...

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A woman who is constantly embarrassed by her husband falling asleep in church goes to the priest to ask for help.

The priest says, "Look love, if he falls asleep again, poke him with this hat pin. I'll nod to you as a signal to poke him.". The woman agrees to the plan.

So Sunday rolls around and sure enough, good old Mr. Jones nods off again. The priest notices and asks, "Who is our savior?" then nods to...

Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.

That's just how I roll.

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Here’s one my dad told me a few months ago:

Billy the Kid, the great bandit of the Wild West, is finally captured by the long arm of the law. For all of his crimes, he is sentenced to life in prison. Before he is slammed up, the sheriff allows Billy three final wishes.

“For my first wish,” Billy says, “I’d like to make a request to my ...

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2 nuns are in a car at a stop light in Transylvania when a vampire blocks their car...

One nun says to the other “Quick sister, show him your cross!”

The other nun rolls down the window and yells “Get the bloody hell out of middle of the road asshole!”

How do you make a Swiss roll?

Push him off the Alps.

Three guys die and Saint Peter greets them at the Golden Gate.

He tells them, "How faithful you were to your wife will determine what kind of car you drive across the Golden Bridge to heaven."
First guy says, "I was married 10 years and only cheated three times."
Saint Peter says, "That's OK I suppose. Here, take this older model pick-up truck." ...

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An old Jew is walking home from work

An old Jew is walking home from work and passes a fancy restaurant. He looks in the window and sees rich people talking and laughing as they eat delicious cheese blintzes.

The old man is inspired: "blintzes for dinner!" and continues his long walk home. When he gets home, he announced to his ...

Q. How does Harry Potter get down a hill?

A. Walking

jk, rolling.

Losing his load

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the t...

A Soviet era joke about the value of hard work - Drink vodka, play cards

*This joke was told to me by a former colleague who was Russian, and had lived and worked under the Soviet system. He was a nuclear engineer there... and the only member of his team not sent to Chernobyl to help in the clean up. Anyway, like our hero of this story, I was fresh faced and a little hig...

Play it cool...

(Phone ringing)

Boss: Why the hell aren't you picking that up?

Me: I always answer on the third ring, it makes me seem cooler.

Boss: PICK IT UP!

Me: (rolling eyes) Fine, (picks up phone) 911 what's your emergency.

Everyone's stockpiling toilet paper again

I'm so desperate for toilet roll, I gave the neighbourhood kids the middle finger in the hope they TP my house.

You're probably Ghana think"no one will Bolivia. There's just Norway."

I thought I Kuwait but then I Saudi Turkey, Iraq of ribs and a Canada best sauce and my Bahrain was like Oman, I Israel Hungary... so Iran to the kitchen to put Greece in the pan.

I hoped it could get Finnish quickly and because I was Russian, I didn't Czech the label and accidentally added ...

A good-natured conspiracy theorist wakes up and realizes that he's died in his sleep and gone to heaven...God appears and says "welcome my son, as a reward for your virtuous life, I can answer one question for you about any topic you'd like with absolute certainty..."

The man thinks for a second and asks God "who actually killed JFK?"

God's eyes roll back in to his head for a minute while he scours the divine historical record. After a moment, he returns to normal and says "Lee Harvey Oswald."

The man replies "Wow! This goes way deeper than I though...

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sex joke.

my favourite sex position is doggy, I sit up and beg and my wife rolls over and plays dead.

Greatest truck driver in the world - mild nsfw

Frank was the greatest truck driver in the world, he could take that truck places that shouldn't be possible.

One night Frank, who had been driving for a solid shift, found himself on an unfamiliar stretch of road. It had been a wet day and the fog was rolling in, making it impossible to see ...

An accordion player is getting sleepy at the wheel of his '93 Geo Metro hatchback, on his way home from playing at a bar mitzvah. His accordion lays on the passenger seat next to him...

... The accordion player decides to pull over at a small pub with a sign reading "$1 Beer Night." He takes some change out of his car's cup holder -- enough for a couple $1 beers.

Inside, he stacks his change on the bar (mostly nickels and pennies) and pretends not to notice the bartender's e...

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A classroom of kids were learning all about common English proverbs. (LONG)

The teacher asked if anyone had a proverb they could talk about - the kids all put their hands up, including Little Johhny at the back. But the teacher chose Susie: "What's your story, Susie?"

"Well, Miss, my dad jumped into a creek and broke his leg on a big branch just under the water!"...

The Pope decides to take a cross-country tour across America, beginning in California and ending in New York.

Somewhere in the Mid-West, the Popemobile breaks down, and while it’s repaired, the Pope continued his journey with a limousine rental.

After a few hours, the limousine driver rolled down the glass partition, and spoke: “I know I’m not supposed to talk to you, your holiness, or highness - I’m...

A Turkish farmer, Hodja, goes to the mill to get his wheat ground to flour. While he's waiting in line he starts dipping his hand into the sack of the man in front of him and moving handfulls of wheat to his own sack.

The man turns and catches him: "Hodja! What are you doing stealing my wheat!"

Hodja, embarrassed, starts rolling his eyes and jittering: "Huh? What? I don't even know what I'm doing because I'm just craaaaaazy!"

The man says "if you're so crazy, how come you're only putting my grain in...

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The blonde and the 710 knob

A blonde walks into an auto shop to ask a question.

Blonde: “I have a knob under the hood of my car that says 710 on it. It only turns one way and when I turn it, nothing happens. Can you tell me what it does?”

Confused, the mechanic says “show me.”

She takes him out to her car...

An old man visited a doctor

"What's the problem sir?" asked the doctor. He replied "It's my joints".
Do they hurt??. " No, I suck at rolling them "

How did the Coca Cola can feel after being steam rolled?

It was soda pressed.

I hate it when my finger goes through the loo roll when I’m wiping

It’s by far the worst part of my job at the care home!

A new guy starts work at a bakery.

He's handed his rota and his eyes lighten up: "Great, it's dinner-roll day!". The supervisor is puzzled to see such enthusiasm for so mundane a task as baking dinner rolls, but sure enough, the new guy goes to it with zest and panache and is soon turning out dinner rolls the like of which the superv...

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A banker down on his luck has decided to end it all

A young banker is standing on a tree limb with a rope around his neck, ready to end it all. He sees movement to his side and an ugly old woman comes from the brush, calling for him to stop.

“Stop! Why would a young man like yourself be doing such a thing?”

“My life is ruined!” He resp...

A wife his her husband with a rolling pin

A wife hits her Husband with a rolling pin, the husband says “ouch! What was that for?”

The wife then tells him “I found a piece of paper with the name Jenny on it”

The husband then tells her that Jenny was the name of the horse he put a bet on last week.

The wife apologises to ...

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A man is driving home one night and almost falls asleep while driving...

"God dammit," he thought, "I'll never be able to stay awake on the road, and I don't have money for a motel. I'm not gonna risk it, I'll just pull over to the side of the road and take a little nap."

He parks his car just outside of a park, and kicks his seat back. "I don't need much, maybe j...

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Southern grammar: tied

Y'all might not know it, but southern USA grammar is more complex than up north. We have many different ways of using the same word, with completely different meanings.

Take the word "tied" for instance. You might say two people, or animals "tied up" which means they fought.

You could ...

What’s Sisyphus’ least favorite band?

Rolling Stones

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A LAWYER is getting out of his BMW when a semi rolls by, taking the open door clean off. A nearby cop has seen all of this, and runs over.

The lawyer immediately starts screaming and gesticulating about the value of his beamer and how much it’s going to cost him to get it fixed.

The cop loses his patience and says, “You lawyers are so materialistic. All you care about is money!”

The lawyer is incensed and says, “How dare...

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An old man sitting on his porch sees a boy walking down the street with several rolls of duck tape. The old man says "BOY! WHATCHU DOING WITH ALL THAT DUCK TAPE"

The boy says "well old man I'm gonna catch me some ducks."
The old man says: "Boy you ain't gonna catch no ducks with no duck tape!"
The boy keeps walking and says "yeah we will see old man"
Later the boy walks by again with a bundle of ducks wrapped up in the tape and the old man says "B...

One Morning

One morning, a guy rolled over, and sleeping peacefully beside him was the ugliest girl he'd ever seen. Very quietly, he slipped his arm out from under her, got up, and dressed as fast as he could. He put a $20 bill on the nightstand and started to tiptoe out.

Just then he felt a tug on his p...

I can't roll my r's...

But I can wiggle my hips.

A little boy runs up to his father with a question.

"Daddy, daddy!" says the boy, excitedly. "Did you get shot in the army?"

The father looks away and grimaces. The pain is etched clearly on this face. He gets a faraway look in his eye, and a tear rolls down his face, as he says, "No, son..."

"...but I did get shot in the leggy."

I decapitated myself for a mountain rolling competition.

I guess you could say I was ahead.

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A priest and a nun are going golfing...

The priest goes to the first hole, swings his golf club, hits the ball... and it just barely misses the hole.


"God dammit, I missed!" the priest says in anger, throwing his club on the ground. "If you keep saying that, the Lord is gonna strike you down" the nun warns, shaking her finge...

A joke my dad has been telling for 45 years

My dad played high school baseball, and the second baseman, John, eventually grew up to be a very successful accountant and married his high school sweetheart. Over the next 25 years, John also collected rare and antique baseball cards, eventually accumulating the world's most expensive collection…<...

Jesus, Moses, and an old man are playing golf. They step up to a par 3.

Jesus is up first. He drives the ball short, into the water trap in front of the green. So Jesus, being Jesus, walks on the water, chips the ball onto the green and putts for par.

Moses is next. He drives the ball into the same water trap. So Moses, being Moses, parts the water, chips the bal...

At a monastery

3 disabled friars are walking the grounds of the monastery. 1 blind, 1 deaf and 1 in a wheelchair. They walk past a lake and the blind one says it is a holly lake that miracles occur in. The guy in the wheelchair says let's try. The blind guy enters and when he comes out he says "what a beautiful mo...

A disabled man rolls into a bar with one leg and one arm...

Disabled Man: "I bought my first house today!"

Bartender: "How much did it cost?"

Disabled Man: "A lot!"

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