An F-111 was flying escort with a B-52 and generally making a nuisance of himself by flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber.

The message for the B-52 crew was, "Anything you can do, I can do better."

Not to be outdone, the bomber pilot announced that he would rise to the challenge.

The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level, however.

Perplexed, the fighter pilot asked, "So? What did you do?"...

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#173: A little boy goes walking by the old man’s house carrying a roll of duct tape.

The old man hollers from his porch, “Hey, young man! Where you walking to with that duct tape?”

The boy responds, “I’m gonna catch me some ducks!”

The old man laughs and yells back, “Boy, don’t you know you can’t catch ducks with duct tape?”

The little boy just smiles, waves, an...

Next time you make dinner rolls, be sure and get some clay and make a model of it. Give it a name, and you will always find it useful in your time of need!

After all, it is important to have a roll model.



\-my grandpa

How can you tell when you've found a really good rock n roll band in Minnesota?





They have two accordions

What's the difference between a diploma and a roll of wallpaper?

When someone hands you a roll of wallpaper, you know you have a job ahead of you.

If you are wearing formal wear, try this: Roll up the big tongue and small tongue of your necktie and let them go at the same time, guess which tongue would roll out completely first?

It's a tie.

I'd always roll into class late super stoned or hung over, id try to sneak to my desk without people noticing

I really was a bad kindergarten teacher

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A Navy Chief rolls onto base and sees two marines, one is digging a hole and the other marine is filling in a hole behind him.

A Navy Chief rolls onto base and sees two marines, one is digging a hole and the other marine is filling in a hole behind him. He doesn’t think much of it until lunch when he goes for a walk and sees the two still at and a whole line of freshly dug and filled in holes. He walks up to them.

C...

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A fighter pilot and a cargo pilot are flying around, talking shit to each other on the radio. The fighter pilot goes on about how much cooler he is than the cargo pilot and says, "Watch this, brah!" hits the afterburner, does a barrel roll and then a loop.

"Top that!" he shouts to the cargo pilot.

"Ok, well watch this." says the cargo pilot.

The plane just goes straight for a while.

"How'd you like that?" asks the cargo pilot.

The fighter pilot is confused and asks, "What did you do?"

The cargo pilot replies, "I went...

A roll of duct tape walks into a bar. Bartender, polishing up a glass, asks politely: “What can I get you?”

The duct tape looks around, thinks for a moment and says, “I think I’ll just stick to my usual.”

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Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown NY City bank and went in to ask for a $5K loan

The loan officer requested collateral, and the man gave him the keys of the Rolls-Royce. The car was driven into the bank's underground parking and the man was given the $5K.



Two weeks later the man goes to the bank and asks to settle up his loan. The officer tells him "It will be $5...

Why did Marcel Duchamp’s kids always roll their eyes at him?

Because of all the Dada jokes!

Happy Father’s Day

I've heard that "Never gonna give you up" is a great song.

But everytime I'm asking for a link I'm just getting rickrolled...

A roll of toilet paper walks into a bar...

The bartender says, “Man, you look awful! What’s up?”
The toilet paper says, “Nothing, really. I’m just wiped.”

I wrote down the names of everyone I hate, and my roommate used that paper to roll his joint.

Now he’s high on the list of people I never want to see again.

Interviewer: "Do you like rock 'n' roll"

Sisyphus: "Not even a bit."

Roll 5 of the same number and it’s called a Yahtzee.

Roll nein, and it’s a nahtzee.

Two mice were eating film rolls in an abandoned cinema. "Do you like it?" asks one of them.

"It's good, but the book was better", replies the other one.

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Note: Never piss off a musician with a steam roller

Unless you want to B♭

$5 is 5$

A elderly couple are walking down a country road one day and they see a man standing next to a plane with a sign that says "Plane Rides $5"

The old woman looks at her husband and says "Earl, let's go up in the plane"

Earl replies "Ethel $5 is $5, maybe next time."

And on they...

Three murderers are on death row. The day rolls around for their execution. The first man sits in the electric chair and the priest says...

“Any last words?” The murderer exclaims “I’m innocent!” They pull the handle, but nothing happens. The electricity doesn’t run. The priest, astonished, says “that’s a 1 in a million chance, it must be a sign from god. you have be telling the truth.” And the first murderer is free to go.

The s...

Has anybody lost a large roll of 20 dollar bills in a rubber band?

Because we found the rubber band.

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A head rolls into a bar

It orders a drink from the oldest bottle in the bar, the bartender points to an old bottle and shows it to the guy the man says “yes” the bartender proceeds to open the bottle and out of the bottle comes a genie who tells the head it has 3 wishes.

The head says “I wish I had my whole body” <...

I asked my boss what to do with this huge roll of bubble wrap

He said, just pop it there in the corner.
It took me 4 goddamn hours.

Bob is walking down the street when he says his old friend John passing in a brand new Rolls Royce

On seeing his old friend, John pulls over to say hello.

Bob sees the Rolls Royce and exclaims," Wow, how did you get the great car?"

John says," So I was going out for a walk on a sunny afternoon when a beautiful woman pulled over in this Rolls Royce and asked if I wanted a lift, so I ...

I once bought a synonym roll

but they had a different name for it.

I remember my childhood quite fondly, when Dad used to roll us down the hill inside car tires.

Those were the Good Years.

A box of tissues is mingling with a roll of toilet paper at a party.

Tissues to toilet paper: “so that’s what I do. It’s so embarrassing. What is it that you do?”

Johnny died. The same day Jimmy died. Johnny’s wife brought his suit to the funeral home. Jimmy’s wife brought his motorcycle jacket to the funeral home. The funeral director was getting ready to roll Johnny out to the viewing when his wife realized that Johnny was not wearing his suit, But instead…

... was wearing a motorcycle jacket. The funeral director apologized and said he take care of it.

The funeral director rolled Johnny back to the back room and within two minutes brought him back dressed in a suit.

His wife was amazed. “How did you change the suit so quickly?” She asked...

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A guy takes his Rolls Royce for a service...

A guy takes his Rolls Royce into the dealership for a service.
They drive it into the service bay and the chief mechanic decides to let the new trainee clean up the interior to give him something to do.
He's vacuuming the carpets in the front footwell when he finds a golf tee.
He has no id...

What's green and rolls?

Grass. I lied about the rolling part.

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Just bought the Missus a Pug dog. Despite the squashed eyes, rolls of fat and being ugly as fuck.

The Pug seems to like her.

How do you make an egg roll?

Push it.

I don't always roll a joint, but when I do

It's my ankle

A black piece of tarmac rolls into a bar

And says to the bartender "I'm the toughest guy around, I'll fight anyone in here, point someone out and I'll go kick their ass."

The bartender points to a red piece of tarmac and says "How about that guy there?"

The black piece of tarmac looks over, gulps, and says "Not that guy, he's...

A man walks into a bar and asks for a surprise. The bartender pulls out some ice and a roll of tape.

The man asks: “what are you making?”

The bartender replies: “Scotch on the rocks, bud”

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A man notices his wife’s butt is getting big...

“I bet your butt is as big as my grill.”

His wife rolls her eyes, but he gets a tape measure, measures her bottom, measures the grill, and teases her that they’re about the same size.

That night, he tries to see if he can get lucky. “Not tonight,” says his wife.

He asks her why ...

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Patience is a bit like a toilet-roll

the bigger the arsehole you’re dealing with, the quicker it runs out.

A guy rolls through a stop sign.

He's in a hurry and looks both ways sees there is no traffic but suddenly gets pulled over by police. The police officer walls up to the window and asks why he didn't stop. Guy responds with he was just in a hurry and didn't see any traffic. The officer has him to step out of his vehicle then starts...

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I sit here and realize I’m wiped from each side’s argument. It doesn’t even matter which way I roll; I still get shit. I refuse to push it any harder.

I really don’t care which way the toilet paper faces.

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I once bought super luxury tp. Best of the best, $100 a roll, and I thought it would feel *magical*

But it just ended up really shitty

What's the best thing about a roll of duct tape?

It turns "no no no!" into "Mmm, mmm, mmmm"

What do you call when two people roll marihuana together?

A joint effort.

How do you get a Jewish girl’s number?

Roll up her sleeve

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A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store...

...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big st...

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A priest enters a fish market.

When he asks what the man behind the counter recommends, the man brings out a large fish. "My goodness!" The priest exclaims. "That fish is huge!" "Yeah." The man replies. "It's a big son of a bitch." The priest says "Sir. Please mind your language." Thinking quickly, the man says "Oh. No. The name ...

Optimus Prime: Autobots, roll out!

Pessimus Prime: Why? We’ll just lose...

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A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab."

He walked all the way to the airport and got home.

Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.

He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings.

There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver ...

"Doctor, doctor! My little boy just swallowed a roll of film!"

Doctor: Well, let's hope nothing develops.

Why do scubadivers roll backwards out of the boat?

If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the boat.

Credit to my girlfriend and boyfriend. They the real heroes.

We finally get a robot onto an alien planet and the first thing we do is roll over an adorable little fuzzball. Its true.

Curiosity killed the cat.

A boy gets his first job while in high school...

...as a repossessor.



He is enjoying feeling responsible and is pleased that he is in the workforce, however his mother isn't very happy with his job choice.



"I wish you would find a different job," his mother kept telling him. "I feel awful for all the people whose belo...

I’ve been ridiculed by both sides for not picking an ideology. The very fact that I can’t clearly define which way I roll seems to enrages people.

I don’t pay attention to how I put the toilet paper on.

I took an epileptic girl to a rave

I jokingly told her, "I hear this place has rave reviews", but she just rolled her eyes at me.

Why do pirates never make honor roll?

They only get high C's.

Mom just made some synonym rolls

Just like Grammar used to make.

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The baby elephant trunk...

A man is in a tragic accident and awakens in the hospital. The doctor and nurse are there and after the basic checks the doctor pulls up a chair.

"I have some terrible news, sir. You were in a terrible accident and you lost your penis."

The man is shocked, and starts to weep, but the ...

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her: i like it when guys roll up their sleeves so you can see their forearms

me: [looking down and realizing i only have two arms] fuck

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