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A Navy Chief rolls onto base and sees two marines, one is digging a hole and the other marine is filling in a hole behind him.

A Navy Chief rolls onto base and sees two marines, one is digging a hole and the other marine is filling in a hole behind him. He doesn’t think much of it until lunch when he goes for a walk and sees the two still at and a whole line of freshly dug and filled in holes. He walks up to them.

C...

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A fighter pilot and a cargo pilot are flying around, talking shit to each other on the radio. The fighter pilot goes on about how much cooler he is than the cargo pilot and says, "Watch this, brah!" hits the afterburner, does a barrel roll and then a loop.

"Top that!" he shouts to the cargo pilot.

"Ok, well watch this." says the cargo pilot.

The plane just goes straight for a while.

"How'd you like that?" asks the cargo pilot.

The fighter pilot is confused and asks, "What did you do?"

The cargo pilot replies, "I went...

I wrote down the names of everyone I hate, and my roommate used that paper to roll his joint.

Now he’s high on the list of people I never want to see again.

Three murderers are on death row. The day rolls around for their execution. The first man sits in the electric chair and the priest says...

“Any last words?” The murderer exclaims “I’m innocent!” They pull the handle, but nothing happens. The electricity doesn’t run. The priest, astonished, says “that’s a 1 in a million chance, it must be a sign from god. you have be telling the truth.” And the first murderer is free to go.

The s...

I remember my childhood quite fondly, when Dad used to roll us down the hill inside car tires.

Those were the Good Years.

I asked my boss what to do with this huge roll of bubble wrap

He said, just pop it there in the corner.
It took me 4 goddamn hours.

Roll 5 of the same number and it’s called a Yahtzee.

Roll nein, and it’s a nahtzee.

Has anybody lost a large roll of 20 dollar bills in a rubber band?

Because we found the rubber band.

Bob is walking down the street when he says his old friend John passing in a brand new Rolls Royce

On seeing his old friend, John pulls over to say hello.

Bob sees the Rolls Royce and exclaims," Wow, how did you get the great car?"

John says," So I was going out for a walk on a sunny afternoon when a beautiful woman pulled over in this Rolls Royce and asked if I wanted a lift, so I ...

A box of tissues is mingling with a roll of toilet paper at a party.

Tissues to toilet paper: “so that’s what I do. It’s so embarrassing. What is it that you do?”

Johnny died. The same day Jimmy died. Johnny’s wife brought his suit to the funeral home. Jimmy’s wife brought his motorcycle jacket to the funeral home. The funeral director was getting ready to roll Johnny out to the viewing when his wife realized that Johnny was not wearing his suit, But instead…

... was wearing a motorcycle jacket. The funeral director apologized and said he take care of it.

The funeral director rolled Johnny back to the back room and within two minutes brought him back dressed in a suit.

His wife was amazed. “How did you change the suit so quickly?” She asked...

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A guy takes his Rolls Royce for a service...

A guy takes his Rolls Royce into the dealership for a service.
They drive it into the service bay and the chief mechanic decides to let the new trainee clean up the interior to give him something to do.
He's vacuuming the carpets in the front footwell when he finds a golf tee.
He has no id...

What's green and rolls?

Grass. I lied about the rolling part.

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A head rolls into a bar

It orders a drink from the oldest bottle in the bar, the bartender points to an old bottle and shows it to the guy the man says “yes” the bartender proceeds to open the bottle and out of the bottle comes a genie who tells the head it has 3 wishes.

The head says “I wish I had my whole body” <...

Two mice are chewing on a film roll

One says, "I liked the book better"

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Just bought the Missus a Pug dog. Despite the squashed eyes, rolls of fat and being ugly as fuck.

The Pug seems to like her.

How do you make an egg roll?

Push it.

I dont always roll a joint

But when I do its my ankle

I once bought a synonym roll

but they had a different name for it.

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Patience is a bit like a toilet-roll

the bigger the arsehole you’re dealing with, the quicker it runs out.

A black piece of tarmac rolls into a bar

And says to the bartender "I'm the toughest guy around, I'll fight anyone in here, point someone out and I'll go kick their ass."

The bartender points to a red piece of tarmac and says "How about that guy there?"

The black piece of tarmac looks over, gulps, and says "Not that guy, he's...

How do you get a Jewish girl’s number?

Roll up her sleeve

A guy rolls through a stop sign.

He's in a hurry and looks both ways sees there is no traffic but suddenly gets pulled over by police. The police officer walls up to the window and asks why he didn't stop. Guy responds with he was just in a hurry and didn't see any traffic. The officer has him to step out of his vehicle then starts...

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I sit here and realize I’m wiped from each side’s argument. It doesn’t even matter which way I roll; I still get shit. I refuse to push it any harder.

I really don’t care which way the toilet paper faces.

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A man notices his wife’s butt is getting big...

“I bet your butt is as big as my grill.”

His wife rolls her eyes, but he gets a tape measure, measures her bottom, measures the grill, and teases her that they’re about the same size.

That night, he tries to see if he can get lucky. “Not tonight,” says his wife.

He asks her why ...

What do you call when two people roll marihuana together?

A joint effort.

What's the best thing about a roll of duct tape?

It turns "no no no!" into "Mmm, mmm, mmmm"

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A priest enters a fish market.

When he asks what the man behind the counter recommends, the man brings out a large fish. "My goodness!" The priest exclaims. "That fish is huge!" "Yeah." The man replies. "It's a big son of a bitch." The priest says "Sir. Please mind your language." Thinking quickly, the man says "Oh. No. The name ...

Optimus Prime: Autobots, roll out!

Pessimus Prime: Why? We’ll just lose...

A boy gets his first job while in high school...

...as a repossessor.

&#x200B;

He is enjoying feeling responsible and is pleased that he is in the workforce, however his mother isn't very happy with his job choice.

&#x200B;

"I wish you would find a different job," his mother kept telling him. "I feel awful for a...

"Doctor, doctor! My little boy just swallowed a roll of film!"

Doctor: Well, let's hope nothing develops.

We finally get a robot onto an alien planet and the first thing we do is roll over an adorable little fuzzball. Its true.

Curiosity killed the cat.

A man dies and goes to Rock N' Roll Heaven..( semi-long)

Upon arrival he is immersed immediately in all the sights and sounds of everything from classic rock to modern anything you would want to listen to, experience and see in person LIVE that you may of missed during your life on Earth.

He looks over and sees Hendrix, Janice Joplin, Randy Rhodes,...

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Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls Royce to a downtown NY City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000.

The loan officer was quite taken a back, and requested collateral.

"Well, then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce", the man said.

The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safekeeping, and gave him $5,000.

Two weeks later, the man wal...

Why do scubadivers roll backwards out of the boat?

If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the boat.

Credit to my girlfriend and boyfriend. They the real heroes.

I’ve been ridiculed by both sides for not picking an ideology. The very fact that I can’t clearly define which way I roll seems to enrages people.

I don’t pay attention to how I put the toilet paper on.

Why do pirates never make honor roll?

They only get high C's.

My girlfriend enjoys "doggy style" in the bedroom.

I sit up and beg, she rolls over and plays dead.

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A Scotsman walks into a cafe and has a look at the menu...

...it’s reads;

Ham Roll £1.00
Cheese Roll £1.50
Handjob £5.00

He then sees a beautiful young women who works there with big tits and a smoking body. He says ‘excuse me, are you the one that gives the handjobs?’
She says ‘yes it is’
The Scotsman says ‘well go and wash your ...

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The baby elephant trunk...

A man is in a tragic accident and awakens in the hospital. The doctor and nurse are there and after the basic checks the doctor pulls up a chair.

"I have some terrible news, sir. You were in a terrible accident and you lost your penis."

The man is shocked, and starts to weep, but the ...

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her: i like it when guys roll up their sleeves so you can see their forearms

me: [looking down and realizing i only have two arms] fuck

Mom just made some synonym rolls

Just like Grammar used to make.

I took an epileptic girl to a rave

I jokingly told her, "I hear this place has rave reviews", but she just rolled her eyes at me.

What can a roll of Life-Savers do that a man can't?

Come in five different colors and flavors.

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In Alabama, when served rolls, they never serve the butter on the side.

Because they like it inbread.

On a whim, I decided to roll around in some poison ivy.

It was a real rash decision.

The original name for Jedis was "Force Kin".

I wonder why they rolled it back?

Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill

to get to the bottom. Ever since my dad heard this he cant. Stop. Telling. It. To EVERYONE.

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Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table.

A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama need...

[long] A man is speeding on the highway and he hears the sudden sound of police sirens. He angrily stops his vehicle on the side of the road and rolls down his window.

The officer greets him and asks him for an identification, to which the man has no choice but to reply: “look officer, I immigrated illegally just this week so I don’t own an identification.”

The officer then asks him for his driver’s license, to which the man hastily replies:
“I- I don’t...

An older woman (around age 47) gets pulled over for speeding. As the officer approaches the vehicle, she rolls down her window

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk drivin...

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An Amish boy and his father are visiting a nearby mall. They are amazed by almost everything they see, but especially by two shiny silver walls that move apart and back together again by themselves.

The lad asks, “What is this, father?”

&#x200B;

The father, having never seen an elevator, responds, “I have no idea what it is.”

&#x200B;

While the boy and his father are watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolls up to the moving walls and presses a bu...

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Why are old men given Viagra in the nursing home?

So they don't roll out of bed