What does a frog use to conceal itself?

A croaking device.

Little Johnny goes to his grandfather and asks him to croak like a frog.

"Why, sure Johnny. *Croak*", says grandfather.
"Yaaaaay", exclaimed Johnny. Confused, grandfather asks what's so exciting.
"Papa says we're going to be rich when you croak!", replies johnny.

Little Johnny says to grandpa..

"Grandpa, make a noise like a frog."

Grandpa asks, "why?"

"Cause daddy says we'll make a lot of money when you croak."

GRANPA, GRANPA CROAK LIKE A FROG

A six-year-old goes to the hospital with her mother to visit her Grandpa.  When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her mother and bursts into her Grandpa's room.  "Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "as soon as my mother comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"

 

"W...

A woman goes to a fortune teller

As they sat there in the candlelit tent, the mystic waved their hands around the crystal ball, divining the woman’s future. Suddenly, the sooth-sayer’s hands went to their face and a gasp of horror escaped their mouth.

“I don’t know how to tell you this, so I’ll be blunt.” the fortune teller ...

What's green and croaks?

A dying environmentalist.

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Once there was a man with a 15 inch penis.

He absolutely hated it, because it was too big for any woman to handle. Every time he tried to have sex, he ended up accidentally hurting his partner.

One day he went to the witch at the edge of town and asked her to help him make it smaller. "I cannot do that," said the witch, "But I do know...

What’s frogs favourite game?

Croak-et

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Jesus Christ is dying on the cross.....

His disciples are gathered around, crying. Peter looks up and notices that Jesus seems to be calling him, “Peter, come hither!”

Immediately Peter rushes over to the cross, only to be hit severely over the head by the roman guard. He gets on his feet again and wants to return to the other disc...

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A Man and His Problem

A man had an extraordinary problem. He had a 15 inch penis. Naturally, it caused him great inconvenience in his daily life, so he wished to shorten his penis. He went to many a doctor, but they all confessed that it was beyond them to fix him. Having lost all hope, as a last resort he visited a wit...

How did the chocolate frog sneak into Hogwarts?

It used the invisibility croak.

What do frogs drink?

Croak-acola

From my 7 year old nephew: What's the difference between a cat and a frog?

A cat has nine lives, but a frog croaks every night.

Why can’t frogs ever complete their bucket lists?

They croak before they even get started.

A salesman was traveling through the country side, flogging insect repellent.

He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer.
“Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again. I guarantee it.”
The farmer was dubious.
“Young man, I’ll make you a proposition. I’ll tie you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that bug spray.
If there is ...

Did you hear about the guy who broke into the zoo to lick the toads?

He croaked.

A man takes his wife to the plastic surgeon to get some work done on her lips and eyes...

It's supposed to be a fairly simple procedure, in and out in about an hour. An hour goes by, and the wife hasn't come out. Another hour passes, nothing. After three hours the surgeon finally came out.with a funny look on his face


"So how is she, Doc?" the man asks. "More work than you e...

Scientists have accidentally created immortal frogs

While running experiments, they decided to cut some of the frogs vocal cords.
Ever since then, the frogs just wont croak

A man is wandering the dessert, having lost his way, when he comes across a friendly looking salesman with a suitcase.

'Good day to you, good sir', the salesman greets him.
'Water, please!' is all the man manages to say through his sore throat.

'Oh, I'm afraid I don't have any water on me. But I can offer you one of these stylish ties.' With that he opens his suitcase and presents a collection of colored t...

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A frog is born mute

A frog is born mute so he can’t make any noises that a frog typically makes because, well, he can’t make any noises at all. So naturally it’s very difficult for the frog to make friends with the other frogs and he ends up with just one friend; a tortoise who’s had the patience and the wherewithal to...

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The guy who got a job at the pickle factory.

He came home from his first day and his wife asked him how it was. He said it was great, but he couldn't stop watching the pickle slicer. He knew it was wrong but he couldn't couldn't stop thinking about putting his penis in the pickle slicer. His wife thought that was a little bit weird.

Ti...

I stepped on a frog today.

It Croaked!

Once a panda walked into a restaurant...

...and ordered a hamburger and some fries. The waiter was surprised to see a panda in the bar but served him thinking it to be an intelligent animal as it ordered it's own food.

The panda finished its food and as it saw the waiter approaching it with the bill, it got up and shot him with a pi...

What happens if you step on a frog?

It croaks..

Controversial new study in Brazil may have unlocked the key to immortality in frogs

A veterinary surgeon has successfully removed the vocal cords of a green tree frog.

He can no longer croak....

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A Chassidic Jew walks into a bar...

He's wearing a long black frock coat, his ear locks are curled and dangling, and he's got a large bullfrog just sitting on his shoulder. The bartender turns around, sees him, and says, "hey, where'd you get that thing?" The bullfrog croaks, "in Brooklyn, there's hundreds of them!"

A frog goes into a bank

He hops up on the desk of the loan officer.
''Hi,'' he croaks.''What's your name?'

The loan officer says, ''My name is John Paddywack. May I help you?''

''Yeah,'' says the frog. ''I'd like to borrow some money.''

The loan officer finds this a little odd, but gets out a form....

A chicken walks into a library

It goes up to the circulation desk and says: "book, bok, bok, boook". The librarian hands the chicken a book. It tucks it under his wing and runs out. A while later, the chicken runs back in, throws the first book into the return bin and goes back to the librarian saying: "book, bok, bok, bok, boook...

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Three frogs are sitting on a lily

The first frog goes "Croak"
The second frog says "Croak"
The third frog says "Ribbit"

The first frog pulls out a pistol and shoots the third one. Puzzled the second frog asks why. The first frog puts the pistol away and says "He knew too much"

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An old woman is sitting on a park bench

Suddenly, the old woman sees a young man in tattered clothes jogging down the path, being flocked by pigeons. They're scratching and divebombing at him.


"FUCK OFF, FUCK OFF," he shouts.


He dives behind the woman's bench, achieving a moment's respite from the swarm.


"...

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There was a vulture who had a rebellious son.

He would preen his feathers so they stood up, hang out with raccoons, and generally be a nuisance to the rest of the flock. Thinking that it was just a phase, his father didn't worry too much about it and hoped that one day his son would grow up.

However, one day his son came home with terrib...

A lord goes on vacation

A British lord went on vacation. After one week his butler sends him a telegram:

"Your cat fell off the roof and croaked."

Upon receiving this, the lord furiously canceled his vacation and made his way home where he berated his butler.

"Look if I was in your place I would have p...

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There's a faint knock on the lawyer's door.

He says, "Come in!" He hears a feeble fumbling at the doorknob. Curious, he goes to the door and opens it and finds a very, very elderly couple.

He immediately rushes to put two chairs in front of his desk, then rushes back to the door to help the couple hobble over to those chairs, and then ...

A man came home and found his wife in bed with another man.

He challenged the stranger to a duel. They walked into another room and closed the door. Then the man said to the stranger, "Why should any of us die? Let's both shoot into the air, then we fall to the floor and wait. She will sprint in. To whomever she will rush, let that man have her." The strange...

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Pedro and Juan are stranded in the desert... (My favourite joke, [LONG])

After a day of walking, staggering, then crawling, they are thirsty, starving, and near death. They are about to give up when Juan exclaims,

“Pedro, look! At thee bottom of the dune... it’s an Oasis!”

Pedro struggles to bring his head up to look. “Juan... I think so my friend. I think...

Excited grandkids: “Grandpa! Grandpa! Can you make a noise like a frog?!”

Grandpa: “I guess so, let me try.

*Ribbet, ribbet.*

How was that, was it good enough for you?”

Excited Grandkids: “Hooray! Let’s go tell Dad!”

Grandpa: “What’s the big deal?”

Excited Grandkids: “Dad’s been saying ‘As soon as that old fart croaks we’re all ...

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Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing. St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight. It reaches the green. Jesus is up next. He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street.

Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the b...

Some people came over a man lying on the middle of the road...

"What happened" they asked

"Black motorcycle, traveling at 50 miles per hour"..the man said in a whisper.

"Wow you can say that just by listening to the vibrations on the road !" The people exclaimed.

"No ! I fell off the dammed thing" croaked the man.

Good News Bad News

Bob was in a terrible motorcycle accident and his legs weren’t in great shape, to say the least. After a couple of weeks of therapy, it soon became clear to the Doctor that they were just pushing off the inevitable. Due however, to Bob’s frail condition, the Doctor was afraid to give him the bad new...

Two friends were playing a game

The game was where one person would hide a bunch of fake frogs alongside one real one. If the person were to hear a croak, they’d have to determine if it were real or fake. If they thought a fake frog croak was real, they lost. If they found the real frog croak, they won.

Billy was playing wi...

What did the frog say on his deathbed?

Nothing, he croaked

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(long)A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender,

"If I show you something amazing will you give me a free beer?" The bartender says "sure, if I'm truly amazed, your first round is on me." so the man sets his briefcase on the bar, opens it up and pulls out a tiny piano. Then the man reaches in and pulls out a tiny man, about a foot tall. The tiny m...

There were three little boys visiting their grandparents

The oldest came out and asked his grandpa, “Can you make a sound like a frog, Grandpa? Grandpa (being in a kind of ill mood) responds, “No, I don’t really want to make the sound of a frog now.”

So, the second little boy comes out and asks his grandfather, “Will you please make a sound like a ...

What's the best way to cook frog legs?

In a croak pot.

A duck walks into a library...

A duck walks into a library and stands in front of an understandably puzzled librarian. It quacks once. In a moment of inspiration, the librarian decided that the bird wishes to borrow a book so she places an appropriate volume under one of its wings. The duck waddles out.
The next day the duck ...

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A pony walks into a bar

The bartender looks up and says "hey buddy, why the long face?"

The pony looks up, blinking through tears and sort of whispers/croaks "my wife left me."

The bartender has a difficult time understanding the pony, who has obviously lost his voice, probably from crying so much and asks th...

An Arabic man is helplessly wandering through the desert when he comes across a Jewish tie salesman.

"Water! Water!" The Arabic man cries.

"I have no water, only ties. Would you like to purchase a tie?" Replies the Jewish tie salesman.

"No!" Exclaims the Arabic man, "I need water! Tell me where there's water!"

"I know where there is water. 20 miles east, there is a village w...

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A wolf and a rabbit hated each other...

One day, the pair were walking through an enchanted forest when they discovered a magical frog trapped in a hole. The frog promised to grant them each three wishes if they helped him escape. The two rescued the frog, and after they set him safely on the ground, the frog croaked, "thank you! Now I wi...

What were the dying frog’s last words?

Who knows? He croaked before he could say them.

A patient is being seen by her doctor for an emergency visit...

"Doctor," croaks the patient, barely able to speak, "I'm in terrible pain! I made one of those frozen pizzas, and then ate it before it cooled down. I burned my throat terribly!"

The doctor, skeptical, checks the patient's mouth. He's shocked to see *extensive* burns throughout her mouth, and...

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A man is golfing one day when..

He arrives to his next hole he sees a little frog had followed him. He grabs his club and readys his swing when he hears "Ribbit, 3 Wood". He looks down at the frog surprisingly, "What was that? Did you say something?" So the man pulls out his 3 wood and hits the ball. Hole in one! He couldn't beli...

What animal has more lives than a cat?

Frogs, they croak every night.







Originally posted this in r/funny, was a joke my 9yo told me last night..

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An idiot walks into a bar

and overhears the patrons in an excited hoo-hah over which among them was the luckiest.

One among them quieted all to say, "I met a beautiful woman last night! Within hours, I took her back to my home and we did the nasty like old chums!"

The crowd applauded and agreed he was luck...

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A man goes to see his urologist

about a problem he's having. "Well," says the doctor, "let's have a look at the little- Jesus Christ, that's quite the schlong you've got there!" - "Yeah, you see, it's 15 inches and scares the girls away. I'd really like to have it shortened by a few." The urologist contemplates the man's request s...

After a brief, bloodless gunfight,

Prickly Bob and his Saddlesore Gang have managed to capture Dan Hollings, Deputy of Tombstone. Prickly Bob, not wanting a murder warrant on his head, has decided to let the desert take care of his latest problem with the law.

Now, I won't lie to you. Alone and buried up to his chin in red des...

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Smoking Grannies

Two old ladies are waiting at a bus stop, while smoking. All of a sudden it starts to rain, so the first old lady tosses her cigarette into the trash. The second lady, however, keeps smoking. She reaches into her purse, pulls out a condom, opens the package, and just slips it onto her cigarette a...

What is a frog's favorite soda?

Croak-a-cola

Horrible joke I made up as a kid

Why are frogs on the endangered species list?

Because they croak a lot!

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A man was out golfing and stops to help a frog.

A golfer playing a round by himself hits his ball near a pond. As he approaches the ball he notices a small frog right next to the spot where his ball landed. Not wanting to hit the frog, he bends down and moves the frog onto a rock nearby. As he sets up his 8 iron shot, he hears the frog croak 'rib...

Chicken walks into a library

So a chicken walks into a library and walks up to the librarian and goes 'bok, bok'.

Surprised, the librarian gives the chicken two books. The next day the chicken is back with a request for 'bok, bok, bok'. This carries on for several days and finally after 'bok, bok, bok, bok, bok' and 5 b...

The toad and the rabbit

There was this yellow toad hopping down a path in the woods. He was feeling really sick and had such a terrible cough he though he might croak. Anyway, he came upon a man who, it turns out, was a doctor. He diagnosed the frogs illness right away, but, alas, he found he was not carrying the medicine ...

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A man was cursed with a 4ft penis.

It was so big, it impacted everything he did. He could hardly get around, let alone have sex. So one day he goes to a doctor and the doctor tells him, "I'm sorry, there's really nothing I can do for you, try the plastic surgeon." So he goes to the plastic surgeon, and he says, "I'm sorry, there's re...

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A Scotsman was shipwrecked...

...and finally washed ashore on a small island. As he regains consciousness on the beach, he sees a beautiful unclad nymphet standing over him. She asks, "Would you like some food?" The Scot hoarsely croaks, "Och, lassie, I havna' ittin a bite in a week noo and I am verra hungry!" She disappears int...

Raisin bread

A general store hires a young female clerk with a penchant for very short skirts.

One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter.

"I'd like some raisin bread, please," the man says politely.

The clerk nods and ...

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A nazi plane is shot down somewhere over a North African desert; the pilot survives.

He wanders for nearly two days. Having quickly run out of water, he is crazed with thirst when he crawls over a sand dune and sees an elderly Jewish man standing in front of a table covered in neck ties.

"Water, water..." croaks the Nazi pilot.

"I don't have any water, unfortunately," ...

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Skipper

Skipper was the most well-liked guy in the office, and seemed to know everyone at all the parties. In fact, he seemed to have a connection with just about everyone, including his boss's friends. The boss, struggling to stump him, decided to test Skipper.

"Hey, Skipper," he said, "Brad Pitt's ...

TIL Every animal has its own specific mating call

A bird sings, a frog croaks, a badger clickets, a grasshopper chirps, a deer croons, and I beg.

Never perform an organ transplant on a frog.

It's very disheartening and they usually croak.

A young woman married and had 13 children

A young woman married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She soon married again and had 7
more children. Again, her husband died. But she remarried and this time had 5 more children.
Alas, she finally croaked.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to the Lord above, thanki...

Fairy tale involving a Bishop.

A long time ago, in a land far away, there was a Bishop.

He was wandering trough a sunny field, reading his Bible and praising the beauties of Creation, while a croak stopped him.

He looked down and, besides a small bush, he saw a Frog who told him:

"Bishop, Bishop! Please kiss ...

A young boy asked his grandad to do his frog impression...

Grandad: "What do you mean?"
Boy: "Do your frog impression!"
Grandad: "What frog impression?"
Boy: "Mum says: When you croak, we can go to Disney World!"

A little boy walks up to his grandpa asks if he can make a frog noise

The grandpa looks puzzled at the question and thinks for a bit and says "sure I can!" The grandpa proceeds to let out a loud "CROOOOOAK" the little boys face lights up, immediately and he yells out to his dad "GRANPA JUST CROAKED DAD, THAT MEANS WE'RE GOING TO DISNEYLAND RIGHT!!!!"

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The young monk talks to his wise master.

Young Monk: "Oh, dear Master, the days pass by and I still can't perfect the art of yoga. Why is that?"

Master: "Well, Do you see the water in a river, flowing effortlessly yet always stronger than the hardest of rocks?"

Monk: "Yes Master."

Master: "Do you see the clouds, giving...

My silent frog died...

After a noiseless life and a drawn out death, the little guy finally croaked.

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