Trump has done in 4 years what 80% of presidents fail to do in 8 years

Lose an election.

Three men were flying in a small plane when the engine failed

To their disappointment, there were only two parachutes on board. After a couple of minutes of silence, one of the men said:

"Look, guys, I need to take one of the parachutes. I'm a single father with three children to feed."

The other two agreed and gave him one of the backpacks. The ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The best joke I’ve ever heard which never fails to make me smile whenever I remember it.(NSFW)

Three explorers get lost in a huge jungle. After wandering around for days, they are found and captured by a jungle tribe. The tribesmen take the explorers to their leader and drop them at his feet. The chieftain looks at them for a moment and says, “ The three of you will die unless you manage to d...

Why do rednecks fail calculus?

Because they are really bad at integrating.

It is very rare for a defibrillator to fail.

When it happens, though, nobody is shocked.

Did you hear about that kid that failed his exams whilst underwater

All his grade were below C level

If I recieved $1 for every math test I failed

I'd have $17.50c

Every day, a barber sweeps outside his store and without fail, at the same time each day, a boy walks up.

The boy always comes by and the man offers him a dollar in one hand and a quarter in the other. Time and time again the boy always takes the quarter. The man keeps doing it out of curiosity because the boy always chooses the quarter. So, eventually he tells his clientele, “Every day when I sweep out...

Jack, a renown atheist, dies and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself. Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith". Satan laughs and replies: Awh it's not so bad.

He then proceeds to escort Jack through a beautiful lush green plain with flowers, scattered here and there there's a bunch of houses where other "damned" live. As they pass through each house the inhabitants recognize Satan and invite them inside for a drink and a chat, a request that's always gran...

Why did Dracula fail Art Class?

He could only draw blood!

I've already failed No Nut November

I failed the first time at 1:37am, and the second time at 1:11am.

If you parachute fails, don't worry

You have the rest of your life to figure it out.

My IT friend tried to flirt with a waitress and failed miserably

I guess it wasn’t the first time he couldn’t connect to the server

Why did the wither skeleton fail his test?

Because his answers were netherrite.

America failed No Nut November,

This election featured the two biggest nuts in recent US history.

A 13 year old boy has difficulty with mathematics, failing in public school.

His parents weren't religious but after a friend's suggestion they felt a private Catholic school may be more effective. His grades began to rise dramatically after this switch. Asked what has helped him so much, he responded

‟When I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant busi...

Failed Pick-Up Lines:

I wish you were my big toe.

Then I would bang you on every piece of furniture at my house..

A man with a large growth on his nose is in a failing marriage.

He comes home from the doctor, and his wife asks how it went.

The husband replies "Wonderful! I've lost two inches from my waist, my blood pressure is in a healthy range, and I no longer have any problems with my posture."

The wife looks perplexed.

"In fact" the husband conti...

TIL Steve Irwin had a failed "Crocodile Hunter" sunscreen brand.

Apparently it didn't protect you from harmful rays

Kanye West Concedes After Failing to Get 0.5% of Vote in Early Returns

Now he is an electoral college drop out

Ninety-Nine had been trying to defeat Hundred, but failed each time. Finally, he pushed the limit for one last time. And on his cake day...

Ninety-Nine defeated Hundred-And-One.

I failed NNN

I just wanted some pistachios

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the l...

I knew I was going to fail my math test when I entered the classroom.

So I did a 360 and left.

An old joke I once heard from a friend, never fails to crack me up

A homeless man finds a shiny lamp by the road while trying to find a place to pass the night.

Picking it up, the man was just about to shove it in his bag when a genie appeared out of it.

"I can grant you one wish." Said the genie.

Not wanting to waste the wish, the man spent mu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This is an old joke my cousin told me. It never fails to make me smile :-)

One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Just put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagno...

My Australian friend failed his aboriginal music exam

So I asked him, "Did you redo it?"

Looking at my score, I think I failed the math test but it's hard to tell

I'm pretty bad with numbers.

A college student wanted to sit next to one of his teachers at lunch.

However, the teacher looked at the student with an arrogant face and said:

‘A swan shan’t be friends with a pig.’

‘Then I shall fly on,’ answered the student with a smile.

The teacher was clearly vexed by the cheeky reply and decided to make sure to do everything in his power to...

I tried to throw an orgy the other day but failed.. [NSFW]

Nobody came.

Im failing all my classes the only tests I can pass are my STD ones

I got all positive results

What's the one thing this pandemic can do for me that all my failed love interests never could?

Leave me breathless.

Doctor: I'm terribly sorry, but your kidneys are failing.

Me: I can't believe this is happening.

Wife (sobbing): How will we tell our son?

Me: ... I'll tell him.

[Later at home, sitting down with son]

Me: Bad news kid, your knees are failing.

My neighbor failed the entrance exam for butcher's school.

He didn't make the cut.

Just found out my friend failed her oceanography course

Apparently her grades were below C-level.

Teacher to student: I'm sorry Steve but i have to fail you on your french, you are just terrible...

Teacher:what do you have to say for yourself?

Student : Gracias

I made this joke up on the way home from work, sorry if it sucks: A history teacher tells a failing student that those who don't learn from history are doomed to repeat it.

Student: But history is so boring!

Teacher: Well, if you don't do better you'll be retaking it next year.

Student: What??

Teacher: I TOLD you, those who don't learn from history are doomed to repeat it!

Why did Jeffrey Epstein's English teacher fail him?

Because he never finished his sentences...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did Hitler fail as an artist?

He refused to mix colors.

What do you call a failed abortion?

Survival of the fetus

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mob dragged a man into a police station for running over 11 people, while shouting "Monster!" "Murderer!" "Killer! ".

The policeman dispersed the crowd and began to interrogate the suspect.

The policeman : Tell me what happened.

The suspect : Sir I was driving home within the speed limit when my brakes failed. I had no choice but to either crash the car into a group of 10 people or to swerve into th...

I failed math at school so many times.

I can’t even count.

Why did the bed fail the art exam?

He drew a blanket

What did the redditor say when he made a bomb and failed?

Wow, this blew up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Doctor: I'm sorry but your heart is going to fail... probably within next month.

Patient: oh!! Is there anything I can do?

Doc: well you have to quit smoking, no alcohol, only eat vegan food, absolutely no exercise at all, do not take any exciting activity, also try not to meet your friends, no internet, no computer games, and obviously no sex.

Pat: would I live lo...

I always fail my trigonometry test

That’s because I don’t understand sine language

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer wakes up to find that his favourite goat has died.

Since he loved that goat very deeply, he decided to jump into the river by his house and commit suicide. Soon after, his wife woke up, and after discovering what had happened, she too followed in his steps and jumped into the river.

Their younger son woke up to find both of his parents dead,...

The soviet union was doomed to fail

The red flags were everywhere.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today, I failed at going to the restroom.

That shit didn't work out.

I've tried to blow air in many directions but failed

Gotta say, I'm not a fan.

After having failed his exam in Logic, a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"

Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"

Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my grade as is and go. If you howev...

What happens to a failed brain surgery?

The patient loses its mind.

2 scientists walk into a bar, the first one says “I’ll have H2O” the second one says “I’ll have water also” the first scientist walks off, furious that is assassination attempt had failed.

You have to be moderately smart to understand it...

An unemployed engineer opens a clinic..

An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic:
‟A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we will pay you $1,000 if we fail.”

A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.

D...

A teenager fails his math test

As a father was passing by his son's bedroom, he was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed, ‘Dad.’

With trembling hands he opened the envelope and read the letter.

“D...

When the magician failed at his trick, he could feel everyone's eyes on him. He never felt so embarassed.

He just wanted to disappear.

A Chemist, an Engineer, an Electrician and an IT guy get stranded on the side of the road after their car break down...

It’s the dead of winter and the wind chill is below freezing. One of them gets off the phone with the towing company, “they said it’s going to be at least two hours.” They all stay in the car.


After a few minutes the Chemist tells the other three, “I’m pretty sure I know what happened......

What did the police officer say to the failed porta potty thief that got crushed when it fell on him during his attempted getaway?

“Stop! In the name of the law, you are under arrestroom!”

I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.

It was very difficult to differentiate between them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you get if you cross an elephant and a pornstar?

A failing grade in your photoshop class.

I just found out that I failed my Binary 101 exam.

I had no idea it was a Level 5 course.

Why did the beach fail a drug test?

Because of the seaweed

We should've known communism would fail.

There were a lot of red flags.

a german kid fails his art class

and his dad changes his last name

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was in high school I had to have sex with my teacher so I wouldnt fail algebra...

... homeschool was weird.

There was a porta-potty near the edge of a small cliff

Everyday young Bobby would walk by it on the way home from school, and every day he would resist the temptation to kick it off the edge of the cliff.

This all changed one day when Bobby had a particularly bad day at school. He had learned about boring topics, like how George Washington cut do...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cabbie is waiting outside a Vegas casino when a smartly-dressed man runs out in a state of extreme distress.

He comes up to the cab and says "You've got to get me to the airport straight away! I'm needed in New York as soon as possible, there's millions at stake!" and the cabbie says "Sure, no problem, fella, just fifty bucks for the fare and we're good to go".

The smartly-dressed man says "This is ...

If I had 5 dollars for every math test I have ever failed then

I would have 37 dollars.

I almost failed my breast exam...

but I got 2 D's.

Basic math

A Jewish boy was failing math,

His mother had tried everything. Special classes, private tutors and even a summer at a math camp. Nothing worked. Desperate, she decided to send her son to a Catholic school one of her friends had recommended.

The boy came home the first day, slammed hi...

If I had 50 cents for everytime I failed a math test..

I would have $6.38.

A women is out golfing and finds a frog trapped in the woods...

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, ‟If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.”

The woman freed the frog, and the frog s...

What is it called if you fail to successfully perform the Heimlich maneuver?

Two people choking.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Japanese man told his dad about his failed knee surgery.

His dad replied, "No Knee"?

A man walks into a bar and sees 2 steaks hanging from the ceiling.

He sits down and orders a beer, and asks the bartender
"what's the deal with the steaks?"

"It's a competition. If you can jump up and slap both steaks at the same time, one with each hand, you win the bar. If you try and fail, though, you pay for everyone's drinks for the rest of the nigh...

An examiner is conducting a test...

Two engineering students are waiting to give their oral viva test. The first student's turn comes, and he goes inside

Examiner :- Suppose you are travelling by a train, and suddenly it gets hot, what will you do?

Student:- I will open the window.

Examiner :- Great, now suppose ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do I ever fail to satisfy my girlfriend sexually?

A small part of me says yes.

A teacher goes for a long walk on the beach. She finds a shiny magic lamb, picks it up, and rubs it.

There is a puff of blue smoke and a genie pops out. “You have three wishes. I can give you anything in the world. If I fail, I must become your personal genie for eternity.”

The teacher thinks for a moment and says, “For my first wish, I want jewels. Silver, gold, platinum, whatever you have....

The Sword in the Stone is a tale of legend. Only the true King could remove the sword. All that failed did so for one reason.

They did not have arthurization.

Told this joke every summer as a camp counselor; never failed

This cheerio works 9-5 at a factory doing the same mundane task every day of every year. One day, this smoking hot frosted cheerio walks in and the normal cheerio falls for her instantly. He walks up to her and says:

“Hey, want to grab something to eat later?” And she says:

“Actually,...

Did you hear about the Trump supporter’s failed suicide attempt?

Fake noose.

A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.

Student, "Sir, do you really know everything about this subject?"

Professor, "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?"

Student, "OK. So I'd like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you can't gi...

Why America failed to save the world from Coronavirus



Thor is in Asgard

Ironman died

Captain is now old

Hulk doesn't have much power. Rest of the Avengers are suffering from Corona and China ate Spiderman and Batman.

Nation's attempt to impound water fails as barrier breaks loose

Citizens: Dam!

Science teacher fail.

Little Johnny is on a field trip with his science class; they're in the woods.
Johnny spies a snake. He asks "Hey teacher, is this snake poisonous"?
The teacher responds "No, that snake is not poisonous".

Johnny catches the snake. He proudly shows it off to his classmates. The snake tur...

What is your go to never fail joke for parties?

I assume that this will become nsfw, but we’ll burn that bridge when we get to it.

A thrice divorced woman is giving love another try ...

Her first love abused her with his fists. The second one ran away. The third one completely failed in bed. But she still feels lonely and doesn't want to stop believing in love, so she posted an ad on a newspaper with her story that she was still available. A few days later, she heard the doorbell r...

3 people try to escape a mental institution

They decide to kill the three guards and leave. One guard is in the room with them, another in the hallway, and another guarding the gate. They kill the one in the room, kill the one in the hallway, and then make their way down to the main gate. When they arrive at the main gate, they find out the g...

I failed my Shakespeare test because I forgot to study and I used the wrong pencil.

I couldn't tell whether it was 2B or not 2B.

I have an exam tomorrow for my “Women in Saudi Arabia” class, and I’m sure I am going to fail.

It covers everything.

BREAKING: The President's recent suicide attempt failed last night when the rope broke. His statement:

"Fake noose."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man who killed 16 people in a car accident is in the court

The judge asks him to tell exactly what happened. The guy starts calmly.

\- Well, I was driving my truck down the road but my brakes failed. In front of me there were two choices: On the left there was an old guy who was crossing the road and on the right there was a crowded bus stop. So i de...

I don't want to fail my hernia exam ....

But my test tickles.

A 30-year old man told his wife that he's going to the bar to party with his friends

The wife was really worried that her husband is not spending enough time with her, but she was helpless.

An hour later, she recieves a text from her husband asking for a picture.

She was glad that her husband wanted to see her face even though he was partying with his friends.

T...

A failed marriage is like an Avengers movie.

First someone snaps, then half your stuff is gone.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My historian friend was telling me about how the Japanese would kamikaze when all else failed.

That's just plane suicide

What do you call it when a russians wifi fails?

Internyet

A C-130 was being deployed from Peterson AFB, Colorado

An hour into the flight, the plane began losing altitude. Acting quickly, the pilot decided it was necessary to airdrop items to be tracked down later in order to reach the nearest airport.

First to go was the Base Commander's new Humvee. Next was a large crate of MREs. Finally, a crate of t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes fishing every Saturday without fail.

He Wakes up Saturday morning at 6 am, gives his wife a kiss and says goodbye, makes a flask of tea and sandwiches and puts his fishing gear into the car, then of he drives to the lake.

One Saturday morning he awakes at 6 am, kisses his wife and says goodbye, makes his tea and sandwiches, pops...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just failed a fire safety course when they asked what steps I would take in case of an explosion.

Apparently “Fucking large ones” wasn’t an acceptable answer.

Why did so many Republicans vote for Joe Biden this year? (TW: Political, bad taste)

If you’re red, and you fail to take care of your voters during a respiratory virus pandemic...they turn blue.

The leper failed his driving test.

He left his foot on the clutch.

I recently broke my funny bone.

I fail to see what's so humerus about it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the father of 12 fail his driving test?

It was the parallel parking...he could get in but he wasn't able to pull out properly

I failed my Spanish language exam.

Sacre bleu

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Professor: "You are failing your ethics class."

Me: *slides a $50 across the desk*
"How about now?"

What happens when you fail at No Nut November?

Nuttin'.

Why do Catholics and Irish people always fail trigonometry?

Because the catholics are afraid of Sin and the Irish people can't Tan.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little boy in a quaint town was said to be the hairiest person in history.

Even in a small community, where everyone was aware of and understood his plight, living a normal life was difficult. Even though everyone was respectful, the sheer volume of hair and speed at which it grew was a constant hardship. It interfered with the boy's eating, he would overheat quickly durin...

If you're ever skydiving and your parachute fails to open, don't panic.

You will have the rest of your life to try and fix it.

I have to get my wisdom teeth pulled out

I’m going to fail so many perception checks without them :(

I failed my test on Canadian Geography today

I knew Nunavut

What does a philosophy student feel when they fail a module on empiricism?

Hume-iliation

There is a good chance you’ll fail your calculus exam if you are sitting between identical twins.

Because it’s hard to differentiate between them.

two dogs are sitting in a bar talking politics

two dogs are sitting in a bar talking politics.

"i dunno Harry , im not sure i can support a president that does not support Israel , they have always been one of our strongest allies "

"Sure , Bob , But what about the Palestine people ?"

at this , a squirrel jumps up on the ba...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three married women are having a "girls only" night out

**NOTE: I'm TRYING TO TRANSLATE THIS JOKE FROM MY LANGUAGE TO ENGLISH HOPE IT TRANSLATES WELL AND SORRY FOR BAD GRAMMAR**

They are enjoying a lovely evening talking about their lives as they usually do every week when they meet up, one of them is particularly excited and fails to hide her exc...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest is preparing to close up the church and head home

A priest is preparing to close up the church and head home, when a man enters the church, looking for him. Failing to recognize the man, the priest says,


"You're not from around here. Do I know you?"


The man replies, "Yes father! Years ago, I was a wayward teenager and you caug...

I got sent home from work today because I failed the temperature test today.

I dropped my pants and bent over.

They should have said it was a thermal scan!

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.