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The best joke I’ve ever heard which never fails to make me smile whenever I remember it.(NSFW)

Three explorers get lost in a huge jungle. After wandering around for days, they are found and captured by a jungle tribe. The tribesmen take the explorers to their leader and drop them at his feet. The chieftain looks at them for a moment and says, “ The three of you will die unless you manage to d...

Fellas, if your relationship fails, it takes two…

Blame her and her mother.

TIL Steve Irwin had a failed "Crocodile Hunter" sunscreen brand.

Apparently it didn't protect you from harmful rays

An old joke I once heard from a friend, never fails to crack me up

A homeless man finds a shiny lamp by the road while trying to find a place to pass the night.

Picking it up, the man was just about to shove it in his bag when a genie appeared out of it.

"I can grant you one wish." Said the genie.

Not wanting to waste the wish, the man spent mu...

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This is an old joke my cousin told me. It never fails to make me smile :-)

One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Just put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagno...

Just found out my friend failed her oceanography course

Apparently her grades were below C-level.

My neighbor failed the entrance exam for butcher's school.

He didn't make the cut.

I hope you fail..

the Covid test

Doctor: I'm terribly sorry, but your kidneys are failing.

Me: I can't believe this is happening.

Wife (sobbing): How will we tell our son?

Me: ... I'll tell him.

[Later at home, sitting down with son]

Me: Bad news kid, your knees are failing.

Why did the leper fail his driving test?

He left his foot on the clutch.

I made this joke up on the way home from work, sorry if it sucks: A history teacher tells a failing student that those who don't learn from history are doomed to repeat it.

Student: But history is so boring!

Teacher: Well, if you don't do better you'll be retaking it next year.

Student: What??

Teacher: I TOLD you, those who don't learn from history are doomed to repeat it!

What did the redditor say when he made a bomb and failed?

Wow, this blew up.

Teacher to student: I'm sorry Steve but i have to fail you on your french, you are just terrible...

Teacher:what do you have to say for yourself?

Student : Gracias

Why did the bed fail the art exam?

He drew a blanket

I failed math at school so many times.

I can’t even count.

I've tried to blow air in many directions but failed

Gotta say, I'm not a fan.

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Today, I failed at going to the restroom.

That shit didn't work out.

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Doctor: I'm sorry but your heart is going to fail... probably within next month.

Patient: oh!! Is there anything I can do?

Doc: well you have to quit smoking, no alcohol, only eat vegan food, absolutely no exercise at all, do not take any exciting activity, also try not to meet your friends, no internet, no computer games, and obviously no sex.

Pat: would I live lo...

What happens to a failed brain surgery?

The patient loses its mind.

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Why did Hitler fail as an artist?

He refused to mix colors.

I always fail my trigonometry test

That’s because I don’t understand sine language

When the magician failed at his trick, he could feel everyone's eyes on him. He never felt so embarassed.

He just wanted to disappear.

What do you call a failed abortion?

Survival of the fetus

Jack, a renown atheist, dies and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself.

Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith"

Satan laughs and replies: "Awh it's not so bad down here, let me give you the tour so you can see for yourself"

He then proceeds to escort Ja...

If I had 50 cents from every time I failed a maths test

I'd have $8.32

After having failed his exam in Logic, a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"

Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"

Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my grade as is and go. If you howev...

What did the police officer say to the failed porta potty thief that got crushed when it fell on him during his attempted getaway?

“Stop! In the name of the law, you are under arrestroom!”

Why did Jeffrey Epstein's English teacher fail him?

Because he never finished his sentences...

A teenager fails his math test

As a father was passing by his son's bedroom, he was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed, ‘Dad.’

With trembling hands he opened the envelope and read the letter.

“D...

2 scientists walk into a bar, the first one says “I’ll have H2O” the second one says “I’ll have water also” the first scientist walks off, furious that is assassination attempt had failed.

You have to be moderately smart to understand it...

Why did the beach fail a drug test?

Because of the seaweed

The soviet union was doomed to fail

The red flags were everywhere.

I just found out that I failed my Binary 101 exam.

I had no idea it was a Level 5 course.

A 13 year old boy has difficulty with mathematics, failing in public school.

His parents were not religious but after a friend's suggestion they felt a private Catholic school may be more effective. His grades began to rise dramatically after this switch. Asked what has helped him so much, he responded

"When I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant busi...

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When I was in high school I had to have sex with my teacher so I wouldnt fail algebra...

... homeschool was weird.

A man walks into a bar and sees 2 steaks hanging from the ceiling.

He sits down and orders a beer, and asks the bartender
"what's the deal with the steaks?"

"It's a competition. If you can jump up and slap both steaks at the same time, one with each hand, you win the bar. If you try and fail, though, you pay for everyone's drinks for the rest of the nigh...

I almost failed my breast exam...

but I got 2 D's.

a german kid fails his art class

and his dad changes his last name

What is it called if you fail to successfully perform the Heimlich maneuver?

Two people choking.

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A Japanese man told his dad about his failed knee surgery.

His dad replied, "No Knee"?

It is very rare for a defibrillator to fail.

When it happens, though, nobody is shocked.

If I had 5 dollars for every math test I have ever failed then

I would have 37 dollars.

The Sword in the Stone is a tale of legend. Only the true King could remove the sword. All that failed did so for one reason.

They did not have arthurization.

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A man who killed 16 people in a car accident is in the court

The judge asks him to tell exactly what happened. The guy starts calmly.

\- Well, I was driving my truck down the road but my brakes failed. In front of me there were two choices: On the left there was an old guy who was crossing the road and on the right there was a crowded bus stop. So i de...

The local bar was so sure that

The local bar was so sure that its owner was the strongest man around that it offered a standing $1,000 bet that no could beat him.
The challenge was that the owner would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out into a beer glass, then hand the lemon to the customer. Anyone who could squeeze e...

Why America failed to save the world from Coronavirus



Thor is in Asgard

Ironman died

Captain is now old

Hulk doesn't have much power. Rest of the Avengers are suffering from Corona and China ate Spiderman and Batman.

Nation's attempt to impound water fails as barrier breaks loose

Citizens: Dam!

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Three married women are having a "girls only" night out

**NOTE: I'm TRYING TO TRANSLATE THIS JOKE FROM MY LANGUAGE TO ENGLISH HOPE IT TRANSLATES WELL AND SORRY FOR BAD GRAMMAR**

They are enjoying a lovely evening talking about their lives as they usually do every week when they meet up, one of them is particularly excited and fails to hide her exc...

Told this joke every summer as a camp counselor; never failed

This cheerio works 9-5 at a factory doing the same mundane task every day of every year. One day, this smoking hot frosted cheerio walks in and the normal cheerio falls for her instantly. He walks up to her and says:

“Hey, want to grab something to eat later?” And she says:

“Actually,...

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Two engineering students are waiting to give their oral viva test.

The first student's turn comes and he goes inside.

External (Interviewer): Suppose you are travelling by a train and suddenly it gets hot, what will you do?

Student: I'll open the window.

External: Great. Now suppose the area of the window is 1.5sqm and the volume of the compar...

If I had 50 cents for everytime I failed a math test..

I would have $6.38.

BREAKING: The President's recent suicide attempt failed last night when the rope broke. His statement:

"Fake noose."

An unemployed engineer opens a clinic..

An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic:
"A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail."

A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.

Doc...

What is your go to never fail joke for parties?

I assume that this will become nsfw, but we’ll burn that bridge when we get to it.

I have an exam tomorrow for my “Women in Saudi Arabia” class, and I’m sure I am going to fail.

It covers everything.

A thrice divorced woman is giving love another try ...

Her first love abused her with his fists. The second one ran away. The third one completely failed in bed. But she still feels lonely and doesn't want to stop believing in love, so she posted an ad on a newspaper with her story that she was still available. A few days later, she heard the doorbell r...

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A guy walks into a bar and slaps $1000 on the bar top.

The guy says to the bartender, "I bet you $1000 that I can piss from one side of this bar top into a shot glass on the other side without spilling a single drop."

The bartender says, "I don't think that's possible, I'll take that bet."

The bartender sets up a shot glass at the end of t...

A Jewish boy was failing math.

His mother had tried everything. Special classes, private tutors and even a summer at a math camp. Nothing worked. Desperate, she decided to send her son to a Catholic school one of her friends had recommended.

The boy came home the first day, slammed his coat on the table, ran to his room a...

We should've known communism would fail.

There were a lot of red flags.

I failed my Shakespeare test because I forgot to study and I used the wrong pencil.

I couldn't tell whether it was 2B or not 2B.

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"How can you watch porn but still claim you love only me?" My wife asked

" The same way I watch Formula 1 whole weekend but still happily drive my 2010 Toyota Camry everyday" I replied..

That satisfied her...

I just failed to mention I take rental at Enterprise when I go on business trips

I failed the math quiz yesterday on the elevator

It was wrong on so many levels.

in the wake of the pandemic and failing ratings, AMC's The Walking Dead has changed it's format.

it will now be a reality show shot solely inside America's nursing homes.

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes." The woman freed the frog.

The frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes that whatever you wish...

Science teacher fail.

Little Johnny is on a field trip with his science class; they're in the woods.
Johnny spies a snake. He asks "Hey teacher, is this snake poisonous"?
The teacher responds "No, that snake is not poisonous".

Johnny catches the snake. He proudly shows it off to his classmates. The snake tur...

A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.

Student, "Sir, do you really know everything about this subject?"

Professor, "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?"

Student, "OK. So I'd like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you can't gi...

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Morning Briefing

The commanding officer of a regiment in the Army was about to start the morning briefing to his staff, battalion and company commanders. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled. 

He explained that his wife had been...

I don't want to fail my hernia exam ....

But my test tickles.

I failed my Spanish language exam.

Sacre bleu

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Do I ever fail to satisfy my girlfriend sexually?

A small part of me says yes.

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A terrorist on a suicide mission

So while the other terrorists were wrapping him with all kind of bombs they looked him in the eye and told him: you're going on a suicide mission so don't fail us. The terrorist replied: I'm prepared to die!!
And so they sent him to the city and he goes to a school and he calls the base: should I...

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A man goes fishing every Saturday without fail.

He Wakes up Saturday morning at 6 am, gives his wife a kiss and says goodbye, makes a flask of tea and sandwiches and puts his fishing gear into the car, then of he drives to the lake.

One Saturday morning he awakes at 6 am, kisses his wife and says goodbye, makes his tea and sandwiches, pops...

Engine trouble

Fifteen minutes into the flight from New York to Phoenix, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left."

Thirty minutes later the captain a...

Back during the Solidarity days the following joke was being told in Poland:

A man goes into the Bank of Gdansk to make a deposit. Since he has never kept money in a bank before, he is a little nervous.

"What happens if the Bank of Gdansk should fail?" he asks.

"Well, in that case your money would be insured by the Bank of Warsaw."

"But, what if the Bank...

I failed my test on Canadian Geography today

I knew Nunavut

Why did the terrorist blonde fail to blow up a van?

She burned her mouth on the exhaust pipe.

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Why did the father of 12 fail his driving test?

It was the parallel parking...he could get in but he wasn't able to pull out properly

I failed my calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.

I couldn’t differentiate between them.

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Professor: "You are failing your ethics class."

Me: *slides a $50 across the desk*
"How about now?"

My friend failed the personality test portion of the interview

He couldn’t get past the RECAPTCHA

A dumb joke I thought of a couple weeks ago.

A truck carrying cows and a truck carrying cannabis get into a car accident. Neither party can agree on who’s fault the accident was, so they hire a detective. This is the detective’s first day on the job and his boss tells him, “If you can solve this case you get a promotion, however if you fail yo...

I got sent home from work today because I failed the temperature test today.

I dropped my pants and bent over.

They should have said it was a thermal scan!

There was once a train driver

who loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this inci...

Kids' antics are like Donald Trump.

You thought you've seen it all, but it never fails to surprise you.

A failed marriage is like an Avengers movie.

First someone snaps, then half your stuff is gone.

Why do Catholics and Irish people always fail trigonometry?

Because the catholics are afraid of Sin and the Irish people can't Tan.

What do you call it when a russians wifi fails?

Internyet

Two tunnels

Once a tunnel was to be build through a mountain, but the state is running low on budget.


Two brothers from India accepted the challenge and agreed to work this out on the small budget. Curious about their enthusiam, the supervisor asked about any possible plan they are having.

To ...

I auditioned for the WWE a few years ago

I auditioned for the WWE a few years ago under the wrestling name ‘Paperman’.

I failed to get in though.

At the time Dwayne Johnson was the champion, and the bosses didn’t want me beating him.

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A joke I heard a priest tell decades ago that for some reason stayed with me

A drunk man is walking home through a graveyard at the end of an evening, and in the dark, he falls into an unfinished grave that's still being dug.

He tries and tries to climb the dirt walls and fails, so he yells and yells for help, but no one is nearby. So finally he lies down and goes to...

What happens when you fail at No Nut November?

Nuttin'.

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Why did John Cena's porn career failed?

According to the cameramen of pornhub, he started great but when it was time to do the money shot, no one could ever see him coming.

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A man was trying to lose weight

A man was trying to lose weight and stumbled upon an advertisement by a company that advertised weight loss of 10 pounds over the course of just one week. He decided he had nothing to lose so he decided to give it a try.

The very next day his training sessions started. He was greeted by a stu...

Two friends went for a job interview.......

The first friend goes in and the person interviewing him looks at his resume. Then he asks him a few questions and then asks "imagine you are traveling on a train and it is hot inside, what will you do?" The guy replies "I will open the window"

"Great!" says the interviewer and then asks " ...

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The New Owner

A rich man bought a failing factory, and decided he was going to turn it around himself.

The first day the new owner grabs the factory foreman, and tells him he’s going to get some real progress out of these lazy workers. They walk out onto the factory floor and see a young man lounging up ...

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Two doctors are in a coffee shop having breakfast.

When they look out the window and see a man walking down the street very bow legged and almost on his tip toes.

Trying to decipher his condition, the first Doctor says "there's a typical case of severe arthritis in both knees"

The second Doctor objects and claims "it's obviously a fail...

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I just failed a fire safety course when they asked what steps I would take in case of an explosion.

Apparently “Fucking large ones” wasn’t an acceptable answer.

The Ivory Throne of the King of Timbuktu

Hundreds of years ago, when glorious Timbuktu was nothing more than a large collection of grass huts, the King of that great city declared his wish for a throne fit for such a mighty ruler. Of ivory it was to be, exquisitely carved, inlaid with gold leaf, decorated with diamonds and emeralds and sap...

I failed an eye test the other day

I asked the doctor what that meant about my eyes






He said, "they don't look good"

As my parachute failed and I was falling, I realized why.

The seller said no strings attached.

Jesus and Satan are having a contest

They want to see who is the best programmer.

So the first challenge is screens. It's a tie.

Then Assembly. Tie again.

Web Design. Tie again.

Challenge after challenge nobody is winning. So after like five days the power fails. So they wait for it to come back on. Th...

A blond sits for a medical school entrance exam.

Needless to say, he failed.

These are his answers:

Antibody - against everyone

Artery - the study of painting

Bacteria - back door to a cafeteria

Caesarean section - a district in Rome

Cat scan - searching for a lost kitty

Chronic - neck of a crow
...

If you're ever skydiving and your parachute fails to open, don't panic.

You will have the rest of your life to try and fix it.

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What position do people in a failed marriage have sex in

96

Students in a college final exam were nearing the end of the testing period...

"All pencils down, turn in your tests, put them in a stack on my desk" ordered the professor to the class of 200 students.

Almost every student put their pencil down except for one student who was adding to their last answer. When the other students had handed in their tests the late student ...

I failed my grammar exam today.

Apparently, "before Christmas" was not a good example for present tense.

Failed serial killer pick up line:

Hey baby, that dress looks good on you.

You know what else would look good on you?

Three feet of dirt.

There is a good chance you’ll fail your calculus exam if you are sitting between identical twins.

Because it’s hard to differentiate between them.

My little boy asked me today "dad when you were in college, did you live in a dorm just like the ones in Harry Potter?"

"Yeah," I said, "Pretty much. And even though we don't have defence against the dark art, every class is like defence against the dark art."

"Oh you mean you have to learn lot's of useful things?"

"No, it's just that our prefessor sucks ass, hates us and wanna fail us all the time."

Finnish jokes poking fun at Sweden, translated to English (not 100% greatest translation)

-Swedish is an easy language to learn. For example, sit horse is sit ruuna (sitruuna = lemon)

-how do you recognize a Swede?

He pushes a pull door

-What is the difference between a chicken and a Swede?

-Chicken only lays eggs/fails (same word in Finnish) once a day
...

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What do you call a teenage boy who doesn't mustarbate?

A liar.

Edit: sorry for writing the word "masturbate" wrongly.
Once i failed to notice, now i can't correct the title.

To be or not to be?

I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction.
My copy of the script said: 'Enter Juliet from the rear'

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