UPJOKE
flunkbombflush itgobreakmissdiemuffneglectmiscarryfailureblowflopmalfunctiondefault

Fail Jokes

We should've known communism would fail.

There were a lot of red flags.

What did Chuck Norris do when his parachute failed to open?

Brought it back for a refund.

If I got 50¢ for every math test I've failed

I would have $7.20 by now

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Failed my biology test today...

They asked, "What is commonly found in cells?" Apparently "black people" wasn't the correct answer.

I signed up for Binary 101, but failed it miserably.

I had no idea it was a Level 5 course.

My professor told me that I’m failing my ethics class

So I slid 20 dollars across the table and said _what about now...?_

It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails.

But when it happens no one is shocked.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a failed golfer and a failed parachutist?

One goes *whack, fuck*; the other goes *fuck, whack*.

The soviet union was doomed to fail

The red flags were everywhere.

Why did Jeffrey Epstein's English teacher fail him?

Because he never finished his sentences...

Bill Gates: "Why don't you tell me why Bing failed"

Bill gates: So why don't you tell me why Bing failed.

Board: We feel there was a public nescience towards Bing.

Bill gates: Nescience? Let me Goog- Oh I see what you mean.

I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting between two identical twins.

It was impossible to differentiate between them.

If I had 50c every time I failed a maths test...

I'd have $6.30 right now

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The best joke I’ve ever heard which never fails to make me smile whenever I remember it.(NSFW)

Three explorers get lost in a huge jungle. After wandering around for days, they are found and captured by a jungle tribe. The tribesmen take the explorers to their leader and drop them at his feet. The chieftain looks at them for a moment and says, “ The three of you will die unless you manage to d...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do I ever fail to satisfy my girlfriend sexually?

A small part of me says yes.

I failed my photography exam.

I just couldn't focus.

A failed rapper, a failed rock star, and a mediocre country singer walk into a bar

He tells the bartender "anything but Budweiser."

Pope Francis, Donald Trump, Joe Biden, and a little boy are crossing the Atlantic on an airplane when the engines fail.

They find three parachutes.

Donald Trump grabs the first parachute and jumps out of the plane saying, “The world needs a great person like me!”

Joe Biden grabs a parachute and says, “I need to help make choices for our world”, so he jumps off the plane. 

At this point, the Po...

A 13 year old boy has difficulty with mathematics, failing in public school.

His parents were not religious but after a friend's suggestion they felt a private Catholic school may be more effective. His grades began to rise dramatically after this switch. Asked what has helped him so much, he responded

"When I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant busi...

My atheist friend failed algebra class because he couldn’t calculate exponents

He doesn’t believe in a higher power.

A failed marriage is like an Avengers movie.

First someone snaps, then half your stuff is gone.

I think I'm failing my marine biology class

My grade is below C level.

Failed Pick-Up Lines:

Damn girl, are you a toaster?

Because a bath with you would send me to heaven..

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just failed a fire safety course when they asked what steps I would take in case of an explosion.

Apparently “Fucking large ones” wasn’t an acceptable answer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy has a tapeworm in his intestine and tries many doctors but everybody fails to remove.Finally he tries an alternative doctor whom everybody recommended heavily and visits him.

The doctor says: Come back tomorrow with two bananas and a Snickers bar. The patient is confused but does as he’s told.

The next day he shows up with two bananas and a Snickers bar. The doctor proceeds to insert both bananas and the Snickers bar up the man’s ass.

The doctor then says ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Professor: April, you are failing my class.

April: Oh, Professor. My parents will be so mad. I’m sure we can fix this. I’ll do annnything to pass.

Professor: {gulp} anything?

April: YES! Anything you can dream up.

Professor: Will you…… study?

TIL Steve Irwin had a failed "Crocodile Hunter" sunscreen brand.

Apparently it didn't protect you from harmful rays

I failed my final exam on Greek mythology.

It's always been my Achilles elbow

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Spiritual Magic Fail

Jesus and Moses are hanging out at a lake when Moses asks Jesus, "When was the last time you've used your powers, feels like it's been ages!"

Jesus replies, "It's definitely been awhile but let's test them out!"

Moses stands up, rubs his hands together and points them at the lake and s...

What did Vizzini say to his wife after failing to have children?

INCONCEIVABLE

I failed my math exam because I couldn’t remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6, and 500 as Roman numerals

IM LIVID

A Frenchman, an Englishman, a Russian, and a Ukrainian are on a a plan when the plane's engines fail and it starts to go down.

The pilot grabs one of the parachutes and jumps from the plane. The remaining passengers see that there is only one chute left, and quickly do the math.

The Englishman stands up, straightens his tie, says "God save the Queen!" and jumps from the plane.

The Frenchman, not wanting to b...

What kind of shoes commonly fail drug tests?

High heels

Why did Dracula always fail job interviews?

He could never answer, "Where do you see yourself in five years?"

Why did my parents fail math class?

Because instead of dividing, they separated

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do not fail to bring up politics at your family's Thanksgiving dinner.

You're gonna save a shitload of money on Christmas gifts.

I failed my chemistry lab exam.

I was in the middle of performing a chemical reaction but I got sued by the Fine Bros.

An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: "A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail."

A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.

Doctor: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Doctor: "This is Gasoline!"

Engineer: "Congratulatio...

My Bakery kickstarter failed.

I just couldn't raise the dough.

McDonald's tried to create a beef version of the McRib, but failed.

Hopefully, they learned from their McSteaks.

The FBI never fails...

The phone rings at the FBI headquarters:

\- “Hello? I’m calling to report my neighbor, Clifford. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!”

\- “Thank you very much for the call, sir.”

The next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbor’s house.

They search the shed where t...

President Trump attempts suicide, fails because of broken rope.

Fake noose.

What do you call a failed gathering of crows?

Attempted murder.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two young engineers failed their thermodynamics class

Since it's their last exam before graduation, they beg their professor for a second chance. The professor agrees and set a special oral examination for the following week.

When they get there the professor asks them to enter the classroom for the test one at a time. The first enters and the t...

Why did Count Dracula fail art class?

He could only draw blood.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young university student is failing her history class

So she decides to see if she can, shall we say, convince her professor to give her a passing grade. She does her hair and makeup, puts on a skimpy dress and heels, and goes to his office.

"Professor," she says, "I'm afraid that I might fail your class."

"That's true," he says, barely ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I am hosting a charity event for people who fail to reach climax during sex

If you can't come, let me know

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rural farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady.

He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing do...

What did the failed assassin say to the other?

«Do you wanna have a stab at it?»

What do you call it when a russians wifi fails?

Internyet

Why did Chewbacca fail his driving test?

He made a few Wookiee errors.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Kid failing English

A kid is failing English, and the teacher sends multiple notes home requesting to speak with his parents but doesn't get a response. One Saturday, the teacher decides to stop by the kid's house. When she knocks on the door, the kid answers.

Teacher: "Hi, Johnny, can I speak to your mother?"...

What do you call a failed abortion?

Survival of the fetus

Obama, Oprah, Trump and a little girl are on a plane. The engines fail...

... the pilots have already parachuted out the plane. The four mentioned are the only ones remaining on the plane. But there are only three parachutes.

Oprah quickly steps forward and says to the little girl; "I'm taking a parachute. I'll build a school for girls in your honour, it'll benefi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An attractive blonde was failing math class...

She approached the professor, distraught, and asked if she could speak with him.

He, of course, was eager to assist.

She then sat down, and started to explain ...

'Professor, when I was 8, my appendix burst and they had to take it out.

I then wrecked my bike and they had...

I failed Calculus when we reached differentials...

I guess I should have known my limits. I could barely derive anything from what the teacher taught us.

I knew I was going to fail my maths test when I entered the classroom

So I did a 360 and left.

Heard Jesus failed NNN…

People keep on saying that he’s coming.

Why did the Mexican fail his writing class?

Because he refused to turn in his essay!

If you're ever skydiving and your parachute fails to open don't panic

You will have the rest of your life to try and fix it

I started carrying a knife after a failed mugging attempt last year...

All my attempts have been pretty successful this year.

Why did the pirate fail his Physics class?

He constantly tried to walk the Planck.

Why did Anakin fail to answer the trivia question?

He was stumped.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the hot dog vendor fail sex-ed?

He didn't know what condiment.

Why do January 6 deniers never last very long in Dungeons & Dragons campaigns?

They always fail their Constitution checks.

What's an absolutely fail-proof way to make a Redditor curious?

[removed]

A college student wanted to sit next to one of his teachers at lunch.

However, the teacher looked at the student with an arrogant face and said:

‘A swan shan’t be friends with a pig.’

‘Then I shall fly on,’ answered the student with a smile.

The teacher was clearly vexed by the cheeky reply and decided to make sure to do everything in his power to...

I come from a family of failed magicians

I have 2 half sisters

Why did the teenager fail their philosophy class?

Because they just, like, Kant understand.

They Told Me I Failed The Drug Test

I told them I just ate a poppy seed bagel.

They asked about the marijuana and cocaine.

I told them it was an everything bagel.

Why did the bee fail to get the job at a honey factory?

His application was nothing but buzz words

Catholics fail trigonometry because they're afraid of sin

Irish people fail trigonometry because they can't tan.

Everyone else fails trigonometry just cos.

Science teacher fail.

Little Johnny is on a field trip with his science class; they're in the woods.
Johnny spies a snake. He asks "Hey teacher, is this snake poisonous"?
The teacher responds "No, that snake is not poisonous".

Johnny catches the snake. He proudly shows it off to his classmates. The snake tur...

Why did the lifeguard fail to rescue the hippie drowning in the ocean?

Because he was too far out, man.

Why did Anakin Skywalker fail as a lawyer?

His arguments didn't have a leg to stand on.

I tried to beat up the composer, but failed. Apparently I wasn’t…

…Rachmaninov.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did Hitler fail as an artist?

He refused to mix colors.

Why do all german exchange students fail math?

Because nobody wants to see their final solution.

Why do rednecks fail calculus?

Because they are really bad at integrating.

Our friend Les is really upset because he failed his French Lit exam.

The result made Les Miserable.

Failed Engines

There was a blonde sitting next to a man on an airplane. About an hour into the flight, the pilot comes on and says over the intercom, "One of our four engines is out, we will be about 15 minutes late arriving."

About 30 minutes later, the pilot comes on the intercom again and says, "There is...

A Jewish boy was failing math.

His mother had tried everything. Special classes, private tutors and even a summer at a math camp. Nothing worked. Desperate, she decided to send her son to a Catholic school one of her friends had recommended.

The boy came home the first day, slammed his coat on the table, ran to his room a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I fail all my dates!

I was out with this girl right? We spent the night in a bar talking and it was pretty cool. Then the waiter came with the bill. She saw it, she made a move to pay and she goes like ''what do I owe?''. Well I looked at ther and I go ''Pretty girls never pay!'', she looks at me and she smiles, then I ...

Did you hear about the failed attack on Castle Hysterectomy?

It was impregnable

There’s one test I will never fail

A blood test I always get an A+

Why did the Mallard fail as a comic?

His humor was too fowl.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just failed etymology AND entomology class.

I'd tell you how much that bugs me, but I can't find the word for it.

What happens when a computer engineer fails flirting with a waitress?

Error in connecting to the server

A guys parachute fails to open.

While he is still falling and awaiting his death, he looks down and sees another person coming from down there right in his direction.

As they both meet, the man says: "Hey, can you repair my parachute?" The other answers: "No sorry, I usually only repair gas leaks.."

After attempting to climb Everest and failing, John has severe frostbite, hypothermia and goes into a coma.

After a lengthy and dangerous mountaintop rescue he's rushed to the nearest hospital, where after several days he finally wakes and is greeted by the Nepalese doctor.

Sir, I have bad news and good news. John, ever the optimist asks for the good news first.

Okay, the good news is the ...

Why did the restaurant on the moon fail?

The food was decent but it had no atmosphere.

Why does the communist economy always fail?

Because they cease the means of production.

Doctor: I'm terribly sorry, but your kidneys are failing.

Me: I can't believe this is happening.

Wife (sobbing): How will we tell our son?

Me: ... I'll tell him.

[Later at home, sitting down with son]

Me: Bad news kid, your knees are failing.

My IT friend tried to flirt with a waitress and failed miserably

I guess it wasn’t the first time he couldn’t connect to the server

A woman has a failing marriage, and she feels bad about it.

Her husband won't listen to her or acknowledge her, or anything. All he does is sit on the couch watching football and waiting for meals. The woman decides to go to the pet store to find a pet.

At the store, she sees all sorts of animals, such as fish, dogs, cats, parrots, and even a horse. S...

What do you say when hydroelectric power fails?

"Dam, I guess that didn't work!"

10 out of 11 medical students failed in their medical exams.

In the end, 9 of them recommended the same thing..

Colgate

Why did the wither skeleton fail his test?

Because his answers were netherrite.

An Brit, a Frenchman, a Mexican, and a Texan are in a flight when one of the plane's engines fails.

The crew throw all the luggage on the plane off to lighten the load, but they are still too heavy. The pilot goes on the intercom and says that 3 people need to jump off the plane to save everyone else. The Brit stands up and says, "God save the king!" before jumping to his death. Next, the Frenchma...

What’s a failed circumcision called

A Beheading

My upholstery business failed.

I'm still trying to recover.

A man walks into a bar and sees 2 steaks hanging from the ceiling.

He sits down and orders a beer, and asks the bartender
"what's the deal with the steaks?"

"It's a competition. If you can jump up and slap both steaks at the same time, one with each hand, you win the bar. If you try and fail, though, you pay for everyone's drinks for the rest of the nigh...

Why did the Klansmen fail calculus?

Because they hated integration so much.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do most people fail ninja school?

Because they show up to class.

I failed math so many times in school

I can't even count.

I've already failed No Nut November

I failed the first time at 1:37am, and the second time at 1:11am.

I had a teacher that refused to fail anyone...

No "F"s given.

What happens when you fail at No Nut November?

Nuttin'.

What gets four As and a B but still fails in schooling?

ALABAMA

Why did the funeral director fail his driving test?

He kept on undertaking!

I don't want to fail my hernia exam ....

But my test tickles.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the NAZI fail drivers ED?

He succeeded on two left turns but failed on the third reich

Why did the beach fail a drug test?

Because of the seaweed

A boy was failing math

A ten-year-old boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis, but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school.After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after schoo...

What do you get when a veterinarian fails to heal your sick cow?

Uncured Meat.

Why wasn’t the number 3 allowed back into school after failing his Spanish test?

Because there’s No Trespassing!!






I’ll show myself out

Little Johny failed fourth grade so badly that the school put him in third grade

He failed third grade even worse that they had to put him in second grade.

Upon hearing the news that he failed second grade even more spectacularly and had to be demoted to first grade, his dad whispered to Johny's mom:

Tighten your underwear, he is coming back !!

Why did Bush's exit plan fail?

He was caught between Iraq and a hard place.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.