The soviet union was doomed to fail

The red flags were everywhere.

A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.

Student, "Sir, do you really know everything about this subject?"

Professor, "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?"

Student, "OK. So I'd like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you can't gi...

It's very rare that a defibrillator fails

But when it does no one is shocked

What happens when you fail at No Nut November?

Nuttin'.

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I failed algebra class...

Now i'll have to suffer the aftermath.

I failed my calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.

I couldn’t differentiate between them.

What do you call a failed kamikaze?

Suicide

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I failed to get into the male pornstar industry

Apparently I have shortcomings

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A college girl was desperate to pass a poetry class for which she was almost failing...

For the final exam, the professor announced the challenge of the year: he wanted the students to write something confident. Philosophical. Something that really meant "no worries."

Everyone went home and stayed up all night writing their final exam poetry, the girl including.

The next ...

I failed Maths so many times in school,

I can't even Count.

Why does a failed physicist smokes marijuana?

Because as he gets high he increases his potential.

I was a failing engineering student. Today I finished creating a robot with speech capabilities.

Between you and me, that's saying something.

I just failed the entrance exam for the Marines ending my life long dream of being one.

They told us to color the American Flag and I'm the only one who didn't eat the crayons.

What did the terrorist do when his kidneys failed?

Dial-ISIS

A physicist, an engineer and a programmer were in a car driving over a steep alpine pass when the brakes failed.

The car was getting faster and faster, they were struggling to get round the corners and once or twice only the feeble crash barrier saved them from crashing down the side of the mountain. They were sure they were all going to die, when suddenly they spotted an escape lane. They pulled into the esca...

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Why did the Nazi fail driver’s ed?

He used his signal for two left turns but failed on the Third Reich.

Why did Stalin fail out of school?

He didn't get high enough Marx.

A husband and wife are doing a crossword puzzle.

Husband: Programs for mobile devices. 4 letters

Wife: Apps

Husband: Adolescent, 4 letters

Wife: Teen

Husband: Contraction meaning failed to perform, 5 letters

Wife: Didn't

Husband: Take a life, 4 letters

Wife: Kill

Husband: Religious songs, 5 l...

Why do boats that are an inch across always fail?

Because they're cap-sized

Yesterday I failed No Nut November

I guess I should have seen it cumming.

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Do I ever fail to satisfy my girlfriend sexually?

A small part of me says yes.

What did King Arthur say when his wife asked if he failed No Nut November?

"Yeah, I Camelot"

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You hear about the dude who failed Masturbation 101?

He couldn't get a grip on it.

The inventor of glass coffins was asked would his failing business ever succeed.

He replied. Remains to be seen.

Did you hear about the failed lawnmowing business?

They just couldn't cut it in their field.

If I had a dollar for everytime I failed a test

I could finally pay off my student loans

As the police put the handcuffs on me, my mother said, “Dan, I’ve failed you as a mother.”

“Mum, my name is Dave.”

A failed marriage is like an Avengers movie.

First someone snaps, then half your stuff is gone.

You have failed the space exam.

You're an astronot

Why did the atheist fail algebra?

He never recognized a higher power.

We should've known communism would fail...

There was alot of red flags

Why did Elon Musk fail to go to Mars

Because he is very down to Earth

What do you call it when a russians wifi fails?

Internyet

Why did Bush's exit plan fail?

He was caught between Iraq and a hard place.

Do you know who I am?

It was final exams for a senior level college class, and the exam counted as 75% of the grade.

The exam was also strictly timed.

5 minutes before the time was up, the professor gave a warning, "remember, 5 minutes left. When I say put your pencils down, you must do it, or you'll immedi...

I come from a family of failed magicians

I have two half sisters.

Totos is wondering why he failed the test since he answered all questions correct:

1. In which battle did Leonidas die?

\- His last one.



2. Where did the Declaration of Independence was signed?

\- At the bottom of the page.



3. If you throw a stone in the lake, what will happen?

\- It will get wet.



4. How can some...

What did one twin say to the other after surviving a failed abortion.

They will never de-fetus.

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Failed my biology test today.

They asked, "What is commonly found in cells?"

Apparently "black people" wasn't the correct answer.

As a dyslexic person who frequently fails to board the proper means of public transportation...

Whoops, wrong bus.

I failed a health and safety course yesterday. One of the questions was ‘in the event of a fire, what steps would you take?’

‘Large ones’ was apparently the wrong answer

Why did the leper fail his driving test?

He left his foot on the gas

If you're ever skydiving and your parachute fails to open, don't panic.

You will have the rest of your life to try and fix it.

Teacher to politician: "Sir, why are you distributing sweets and celebrating? Your son has failed in the class"

Politician: "In a class of 40 students, 21 failed. So the majority is with my son"

Guess who failed the gym class??

Dumbbells

Doctor: I'm terribly sorry, but it seems your kidneys are failing.

Me: I can't believe this is happening.

Wife (sobbing): How will we tell our son?

Me: ... I'll tell him.

\[Later at home, sitting down with son\]

Me: Bad news kid, your knees are failing.

What did the lawyer say to the failed magician?

You have no poof!

At first, I thought my idea for a social media platform had failed

But then I made a 4chan.

I failed my python breeding class because of a late assignment.

My homework ate my dog.

Why did O.j Simpson fail as a baseball catcher

Because none of the teams gloves could fit

What do you call a failed gathering of crows?

Attempted Murder

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Frustrated by a world of moral decay, a man decided that he wanted a pure, innocent woman for his wife.

So he went to church in the hope of finding someone who had not been corrupted by modern society. After two weeks, he met a charming girl and took her back to his place for the ultimate test. Whipping out his manhood, he asked her: ‘What’s this?’

‘A cock,’ she replied.

Disappointed by ...

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After trying and failing to agree on what to watch on TV, my wife threw her hands up in exasperation. "Do we even have anything in common?" she asked.

I responded. "Well, neither of us ever get blowjobs. Does that count?"

Stranded unfortunately...

##

3 men survive a plane crash in the ocean and wash up on a random remote island. They are soon captured by the local natives who tie them up and keep them captive. After a few days of being tied up, the are brought in front of The Chief. The Chief informs them that they're to go out into t...

...failed because of poor vocabulary.

...didn't know what to say!

There is a good chance you’ll fail your calculus exam if you are sitting between identical twins.

Because it’s hard to differentiate between them.

I don’t understand why the young people today fail to see the dangers of communism.

I mean come on, there are so many red flags!

Everyone told Beethoven he would fail as a musician because he was deaf.

But did he listen?

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Why do most people fail ninja school?

Because they show up to class.

A teacher goes for a long walk on the beach. She finds a shiny magic lamb, picks it up, and rubs it.

There is a puff of blue smoke and a genie pops out. “You have three wishes. I can give you anything in the world. If I fail, I must become your personal genie for eternity.”

The teacher thinks for a moment and says, “For my first wish, I want jewels. Silver, gold, platinum, whatever you have....

Why did the amoeba fail math class?

Because it multiplied by dividing

If I Had A Nickel For Every Math Test I Failed...

I'd have 97 cents.

Did you hear about the failed bra business?

There was a lack of good customer support

My son's kindergarten teacher is such a hardass, she failed him on his alphabet test even though he got 25/26.

He still doesn't know y.

If I had 50 cents for every time I failed a math test,

I’d have 16.40 dollars.

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Why did Adolf Hitler fail Art School?

He hated mixing colour.

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Safe Driving

Officer: Why did you deliberately run into that crowd of people?!

Man: Well, my brakes failed. There was a crowd on one side of the road, and a single man on the other.

Officer: SO WHY DID YOU HIT THE CROWD!?!

Man: Naturally, I swerved left to avoid the crowd, and hit that singl...

A girl goes to a psychiatrist and complains, “I don’t want to marry, I am educated, independent and self sufficient. I don’t need a husband but my parents are asking me to marry. What do I do?”

Psychiatrist: “You, undoubtedly will achieve great things in life. But sometimes you will not go in the way you want. Sometimes you will go wrong. Sometimes you will fail. Sometimes your plan won’t work. Sometimes your wishes will not be fulfilled. Then whom will you blame? Will you blame yourself?”...

If I got 50c for each time I failed a math exam...

...I’d have $6.38 by now

Why do all german exchange students fail math?

Because nobody wants to see their final solution.

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In ancient Japan, failures would commit ritual suicide to restore their honor

In modern America they tell jokes on reddit

Why did the two ghost hunters fail at their job?

They were a pair o' normal investigators.

Why did the blonde fail her driver's test?

The guy told her it was time to park, so she climbed into the back seat.

A skydiver's parachute failed to open.

So he immediately pulled the ripcord of his reserve chute, and that failed to open as well.

As he was falling to the earth, he came across a guy that was flying up from the ground. So the skydiver that was going down yelled to the guy that was going up, "Hey, do you know anything about parac...

Why did the blood fail the writing test?

Too many type Os.

My grandfather was always playing pranks on people.

My grandfather was always playing pranks on people. He was originally from Ireland before he moved to the US. He fit all of the stereotypes of an Irishman, having red hair and beard, constantly being at the bar, and having an accent so thick that I could barely understand him even though I knew him ...

Why did Cinderella fail at basketball?

because she ran away from the ball

I failed my math exam because I couldn’t remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6, and 500 as Roman numerals

IM LIVID

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I failed my driving test today. I was driving down a country road with the examiner, when a rabbit ran out right in front of the car.

I remembered my instructor said you should never swerve or try to avoid an animal, because it's dangerous and you can end up causing a more serious accident.You should always just hit it and keep on driving.

Had to chase that little bugger for miles across the fields before I finally got it!

Did you hear about the failed robbery on the liquor store?

They are still looking for the guy, apparently he got away scotch-free.

If you fail once, don’t give up...

Try two more times so that you failure is statistically significant.

I asked my father how many a couple is. He said, “Two or three.”

Which might explain why his marriage failed.

A scientist walks into a bar

He sees a colleague from work and starts chatting him up. The first scientist says to the bartender, "I'll have a glass of H2O". The second scientist says, "I'll have a water as well". He then turns to his colleague. "Y'know, we're off work. You don't have to use the technical terms here". The first...

A group of doctors were getting frustrated while discussing their failing medical practice...

...they were unfortunately running out of patience.

The Bulgarian conductor

So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living. He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single per...

There was an elderly man whose efforts to get his young wife pregnant had failed.

So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done.

The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day.

The elderly man came back the next day with an empty specimen cup.

The doctor asked, "What was the problem?"

The elderly man ...

What's an absolutely fail-proof way to make a Redditor curious?

[removed]

A police officer pulled over a lawyer who had failed to come to a complete stop at a stop sign.

The lawyer argued his case that the spirit of the law was simply that the maneuver be safe and since he hadn't caused an accident his actions complied with the law.

The officer disagreed and informed the lawyer he would issue him a ticket.

"I will accept that ticket if you can explain ...

I’m making a pass/fail exam for churches who claim to throw good parties

It’s a lit-mass test.

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My wife is so bad at sex that she failed it

Her ID says Sex: F

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How did the Japanese solider fail out of military school?

He brought a parachute to class.

What is it called when you reposition your car after failing to park between the lines the first time?

Autocorrect

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What did the umpire say to Hitler when he failed at baseball?

THREE REICHS, YOURE OUT!

I started growing some fungi in my garden, but it failed miserably.

I guess there is mushroom for improvement

A marketing team had to make a Coca-Cola ad for Arabia

So they sent their best man on the job. When he came back, they saw that the campaign failed miserably and nobody was buying the product. So the team asked him what happened. He explained:

We made a billboard with three images. On the first one, there is a person that is very unhealthy and a...

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Every time I'm tasked with assassinating an Indian target, I fail.

Some bastard with a laser sight always beats me to it.

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I failed Sex Ed

I never came

Obama, Oprah, Trump and a little girl are on a plane. The engines fail...

... the pilots have already parachuted out the plane. The four mentioned are the only ones remaining on the plane. But there are only three parachutes.

Oprah quickly steps forward and says to the little girl; "I'm taking a parachute. I'll build a school for girls in your honour, it'll benefi...

A surgeon fails an eye surgery

No one bats an eye.
A surgeon fails a brain surgery
and everybody loses their minds

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There is a young man who lives a terrible life.

He had to go to school AND go to work, but his teacher hated him and would fail him for every test he took, and his boss was so cheap and crooked, he was barely making any money at all even after working for him for years. On top of that, he was hated so much by his co-worker and that there was an a...

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Weight loss challenge

At the bar there was a guy who was fat and kept getting rejected by all the girls there.
Seeing this one man approaches the other fat guy.
He challenges him that he can make him slim in 30 days and charge him $15000. If he fails to do so he will pay the fat guy the same.
The fat guy accepts...

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Pilot says to the passengers, one engine has failed but don't worry this plane has four engines it will only add 20 minutes to the flight, then a second and third engine fail, Pilot says it's OK this plane can run on one engine and only adds 2 hours to the flight. Paddy says.

Fucking heck if the other engine fails, we could be up here forever.

I asked what LGBT meant,

But I failed to get a straight answer.

Why is Jack Link’s marraige failing?

He keeps bringing up old beef.

A man has a failing liver...

and the doctor tells him he needs a transplant. Then man asks if it is necessary.

The doctor says its liver die.

I failed my ventriloquists exam.

I can’t say I’m surprised.

Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog
in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I
will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said,
"Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes....

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A cruise ship wrecks in the middle of the ocean.

The only three survivors are tourists from different areas of the United States. A man from Georgia, a man from Florida and a man from Hawaii. They float on a raft until they hit an island where they’re met by a tribe of fierce locals who despise outsiders. A member of tribe offers to translate for ...

What does Batman say when he fails his mission?

Gotham it.

What happens if you fail a drug test?

Urine trouble.

Doc: I have bad news about your test results

Doc: I have bad news about your test results

Me: oh man did I fail

Doc: not that kind of test

Me: so I passed?

Doc: no but you will in a week

I forgot to study for today

Hope i don't fail the drug test

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Why did the butter knife fail all his classes?

He was just too dull.

My friend failed every exam he ever took and didn't complete his studies. Yet, he's rising to the top.

He's a window cleaner

I tried to rob a bakery but failed

They caught me bread handed

A snake goes in to see the optometrist because his eyesight is failing.

“It’s actually affecting my life. I can’t hunt anymore because I can’t see.”



The doctor fits the snake for glasses and the snake immediately notices an improvement in his eyesight. A week later, the doctor calls the snake to check how the glasses are holding up.



“They’r...

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A man goes to the doctor and says, "I've got a tapeworm."

"I've been to so many specialists and no one can seem to get rid of it."

The doctor thinks for a few moments and says, "OK, come back next week with a banana and a cookie."

The man is confused but, having been failed by every conventional treatment, goes home and returns a week later w...

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