The 108+ Best Fail Jokes

What did Chuck Norris do when his parachute failed to open?

Brought it back for a refund.

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Spiritual Magic Fail

Jesus and Moses are hanging out at a lake when Moses asks Jesus, "When was the last time you've used your powers, feels like it's been ages!"

Jesus replies, "It's definitely been awhile but let's test them out!"

Moses stands up, rubs his hands together and points them at the lake and s...

I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting between two identical twins.

It was impossible to differentiate between them.

If I had a nickel for every time I failed a math test...

I'd have 27¢

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A young university student is failing her history class

So she decides to see if she can, shall we say, convince her professor to give her a passing grade. She does her hair and makeup, puts on a skimpy dress and heels, and goes to his office.

"Professor," she says, "I'm afraid that I might fail your class."

"That's true," he says, barely ...

“If you would like a list of all the ways technology has failed to improve our quality of life…

…please press 3.”

Apparently, Trump is blaming Melania for advising him to endorse failed NJ candidate Dr. Oz.

Which makes sense, he blames illegal immigrants for everything.

update: thank you to /u/supergenius98k for the original comment that made this joke. I enjoyed it but couldn’t find the comment again when submitting to r/jokes. thanks to /u/martini497osu for finding the source for me

I signed up for Binary 101, but failed it miserably.

I had no idea it was a Level 5 course.

The FBI never fails...

The phone rings at the FBI headquarters:

\- “Hello? I’m calling to report my neighbor, Clifford. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!”

\- “Thank you very much for the call, sir.”

The next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbor’s house.

They search the shed where t...

I failed Calculus when we reached differentials...

I guess I should have known my limits. I could barely derive anything from what the teacher taught us.

Why did Count Dracula fail art class?

He could only draw blood.

A Frenchman, an Englishman, a Russian, and a Ukrainian are on a a plan when the plane's engines fail and it starts to go down.

The pilot grabs one of the parachutes and jumps from the plane. The remaining passengers see that there is only one chute left, and quickly do the math.

The Englishman stands up, straightens his tie, says "God save the Queen!" and jumps from the plane.

The Frenchman, not wanting to b...

Did you hear about the failed attack on Castle Hysterectomy?

It was impregnable

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If a man fails to blow up a building, but gives good sex advice, what will people say about him?

This Guy Fawkes.

An old Jewish man is lying in his deathbed with his tearful wife by his side.

An old Jewish man is lying in his deathbed with his tearful wife by his side.

"Moira, beautiful Moira. You were with me many years ago when the Germans took our home and so many of us suffered" to which his wife simply nodded.

"And years later, you were with me when my business failed...

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A man, obsessed with trains finally steals one and immediately crashes it, killing several people...

At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and is sentenced to death.

Before he is sentenced, he is offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which is given to him. The next day, he is led to the electric chair. They strap him in, pull the switch, and... nothing happen...

Pope Francis, Donald Trump, Joe Biden, and a little boy are crossing the Atlantic on an airplane when the engines fail.

They find three parachutes.

Donald Trump grabs the first parachute and jumps out of the plane saying, “The world needs a great person like me!”

Joe Biden grabs a parachute and says, “I need to help make choices for our world”, so he jumps off the plane.

At this point, the Po...

If I had 50p every time I failed a maths exam

I would have £3.57 right now

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What's the difference between a failed golfer and a failed parachutist?

One goes *whack, fuck*; the other goes *fuck, whack*.

Heard Jesus failed NNN…

People keep on saying that he’s coming.

Why wasn’t the number 3 allowed back into school after failing his Spanish test?

Because there’s No Trespassing!!

I’ll show myself out

Why did the bee fail to get the job at a honey factory?

His application was nothing but buzz words

Everyone knows Harry Potter graduated from Hogwarts, but not many people know that Harry Styles failed to do so.

He was expelled after starting wand erection.

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Kid failing English

A kid is failing English, and the teacher sends multiple notes home requesting to speak with his parents but doesn't get a response. One Saturday, the teacher decides to stop by the kid's house. When she knocks on the door, the kid answers.

Teacher: "Hi, Johnny, can I speak to your mother?"...

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Guy has a tapeworm in his intestine and tries many doctors but everybody fails to remove.Finally he tries an alternative doctor whom everybody recommended heavily and visits him.

The doctor says: Come back tomorrow with two bananas and a Snickers bar. The patient is confused but does as he’s told.

The next day he shows up with two bananas and a Snickers bar. The doctor proceeds to insert both bananas and the Snickers bar up the man’s ass.

The doctor then says ...

They Told Me I Failed The Drug Test

I told them I just ate a poppy seed bagel.

They asked about the marijuana and cocaine.

I told them it was an everything bagel.

I failed my biology exam today.

The question was: Name something that is found in cells?
Apparently scousers was the wrong answer.

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A rural farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady.

He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing do...

Why did the atheist fail their quiz on exponents?

Because they don't believe in a higher power *bu dum tss*

We should have known communism would fail.

There were a lot of red flags.

10 out of 11 medical students failed in their medical exams.

In the end, 9 of them recommended the same thing..

Colgate

I knew I was going to fail my maths test when I entered the classroom

So I did a 360 and left.

What do you get when a veterinarian fails to heal your sick cow?

Uncured Meat.

An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: "A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail."

A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.

Doctor: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Doctor: "This is Gasoline!"

Engineer: "Congratulatio...

How many gamblers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Well, all the ones we’ve hired so far have failed, but eventually it’ll work, I swear!

In a scientific experiment researchers collected two containers of fart gases to study its usability as a green energy source, one from a normal person and the other from a royal family member. During the combustion tests the first one ignited really well while the other totally failed. Why ?

Because, the second one continued noble gases

Thanksgiving An old couple had been married for 50 years. Every morning (without fail) the man produced a massive fart when he got out of bed and then laughed like a madman.

Also every morning, his wife would admonish him: "One of these days you're going to fart your guts out."

It's Thanksgiving morning. The old man is sleeping in and the old lady is in the initial steps of preparing the turkey. While she has a handful of turkey innards, she gets an idea:

...

I remember staring down at the dead patient, and realising that I had failed my job as a doctor.

I was so scarred by that day that I've never examined a man's prostate since.

Little Johny failed fourth grade so badly that the school put him in third grade

He failed third grade even worse that they had to put him in second grade.

Upon hearing the news that he failed second grade even more spectacularly and had to be demoted to first grade, his dad whispered to Johny's mom:

Tighten your underwear, he is coming back !!

My professor told me that I’m failing my ethics class

So I slid 20 dollars across the table and said _what about now...?_

Why did Anakin fail to answer the trivia question?

He was stumped.

Why did the Mexican fail his writing class?

Because he refused to turn in his essay!

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The best joke I’ve ever heard which never fails to make me smile whenever I remember it.(NSFW)

Three explorers get lost in a huge jungle. After wandering around for days, they are found and captured by a jungle tribe. The tribesmen take the explorers to their leader and drop them at his feet. The chieftain looks at them for a moment and says, “ The three of you will die unless you manage to d...

Why did the lifeguard fail to rescue the hippie drowning in the ocean?

Because he was too far out, man.

If something doesn't exist, it isn't. if someone fails to do something, they didn't. if liquor isnt the solution to anything, what does that make it?

A solven't.

This guy walks into a bar

This guy walks into a bar and notices there's slabs of meat all over the ceiling. He goes up to the bartender and asks why there's meat everywhere.

The bartender responds "it's part of our new promotion. If you manage to touch the slabs, your drinks are free all night. If you fail, it's $20 p...

Why did the pirate fail his Physics class?

He constantly tried to walk the Planck.

A plane suddenly loses one of its engines

“This is your Captain speaking. I’m afraid we have lost one of our engines so we’ll be about 10 minutes late arriving at our destination,” announces the Captain.

“Oh no!” Says a passenger. Then suddenly, another engine fails.
“This is your Captain speaking. I’m afraid we have lost another...

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They tried to cash in on Chuck Norris’s popularity by making a potty training seat for toddlers with Chuck Norris’s image on it.

But it failed miserably, because Chuck Norris doesn’t take shit from anyone.

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Why did the hot dog vendor fail sex-ed?

He didn't know what condiment.

Pepito was the dumbest kid in his classroom…

Pepito wasn’t a very bright kid. He often failed his tests and annoyed his teachers. One day, his teacher, Ms.Emily, told him he had one last chance to do well. Pepito took a test, but inevitable failed. Ms.Emily expelled him from school and told him he was the dumbest kid she had ever met. She made...

Why do January 6 deniers never last very long in Dungeons & Dragons campaigns?

They always fail their Constitution checks.

There was this man in Russia who drove trains for a living.

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but one person died. He went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, ...

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Professor: April, you are failing my class.

April: Oh, Professor. My parents will be so mad. I’m sure we can fix this. I’ll do annnything to pass.

Professor: {gulp} anything?

April: YES! Anything you can dream up.

Professor: Will you…… study?

Why did Jeffrey Epstein's English teacher fail him?

Because he never finished his sentences...

A guys parachute fails to open.

While he is still falling and awaiting his death, he looks down and sees another person coming from down there right in his direction.

As they both meet, the man says: "Hey, can you repair my parachute?" The other answers: "No sorry, I usually only repair gas leaks.."

The soviet union was doomed to fail

The red flags were everywhere.

What gets four As and a B but still fails in schooling?

ALABAMA

Freddie Mercury went to school to be a pilot, but he failed the license test.

He flew, a little high, a little low and any way the wind blows…

A Mime Goes To The Zoo...

The mime, who has been down on his luck, begins to perform his act in the middle of the zoo. Just as a small crowd is beginning to gather, a couple of zookeepers come by and escort him away.

The zookeepers bring the mime to see the head zookeeper, who admits to the mime that recently their m...

What do you say when hydroelectric power fails?

"Dam, I guess that didn't work!"

Why did the teenager fail their philosophy class?

Because they just, like, Kant understand.

William Shatner

Did y’all hear about William Shatner’s failed business idea for women’s lingerie store?

Apparently, “Shatner Panties”, was not the best name for the store.

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Police work must be entertaining as well as dangerous.

Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night. The next day, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency and public intoxication.
...

Chinese economist asks American Economist

The Chinese stock market experienced a drastic drop over the past 3 months. With most local economists failing to explain this phenomena, a renowned Chinese economist decided to albeit reluctantly phone up his American counterpart.

Due to the fraught ties between the two countries, the Chines...

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Beavis & Butt-Head would be great soccer players

Watching them fail to score is actually amusing.

Why did Anakin Skywalker fail as a lawyer?

His arguments didn't have a leg to stand on.

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Just failed etymology AND entomology class.

I'd tell you how much that bugs me, but I can't find the word for it.

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Do I ever fail to satisfy my girlfriend sexually?

A small part of me says yes.

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There was a man Who was extremely unlucky

There was a man, He waz so unlucky. In fact, he was so unlucky that the man was born with a single ball. One day this man got on the plane. After the plane went too high, the systems suddenly failed and the plane went into decline. But the aircraft crew said: If someone jumps off the plane, the p...

After attempting to climb Everest and failing, John has severe frostbite, hypothermia and goes into a coma.

After a lengthy and dangerous mountaintop rescue he's rushed to the nearest hospital, where after several days he finally wakes and is greeted by the Nepalese doctor.

Sir, I have bad news and good news. John, ever the optimist asks for the good news first.

Okay, the good news is the ...

What happens when a computer engineer fails flirting with a waitress?

Error in connecting to the server

If I got 50¢ for every math test I've failed

I would have $7.20 by now

It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails.

But when it happens no one is shocked.

Kitty

A cat walks into a bar and orders coffee. The waiter is speechless and seeing this, the cat asks:

\- Is anything the matter?

\- Well, yeah.. you're a cat.

\- So?

\- You can talk..

\- I fail to see the problem. Please get me my order.

\- Right away, it's just...

TIL Steve Irwin had a failed "Crocodile Hunter" sunscreen brand.

Apparently it didn't protect you from harmful rays

Did you hear the one about Schroedingers failed early experiments with ice boxes?

He titled his paper “Ice Ice Maybe”.

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A freshman college woman is midway through the semester...

...and at her current rate of academic performance she's going to fail one of her classes. So after class she approaches the professor, a mid 40s man, and says "professor, I'll do anything to pass this class." The professor replies "My office hours are on the syllabus, you're free to come by and tal...

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I just failed a fire safety course when they asked what steps I would take in case of an explosion.

Apparently “Fucking large ones” wasn’t an acceptable answer.

I failed my Greek Mythology exam.

It has always been my Achilles' elbow

The best KGB agents have tried to seduce me and failed

Should I shower?

A woman has a failing marriage, and she feels bad about it.

Her husband won't listen to her or acknowledge her, or anything. All he does is sit on the couch watching football and waiting for meals. The woman decides to go to the pet store to find a pet.

At the store, she sees all sorts of animals, such as fish, dogs, cats, parrots, and even a horse. S...

Guys, if your marriage fails don't just blame her. It takes 2 people to make a toxic relationship.

Blame her and her mother.

A father, finally exasperated looking at his son's failed test scores, shouted: " Son, if you fail your exams one more time today, don't you EVER call me your father again!!"

"Yes, father.", the son replied meekly.

After the exams, the son came home.

"How were the exams, son? Do you think you managed to pass this time?"

"NO PROBLEMO, DUDE!"

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Two young Mormon missionaries are spreading the good word around South-East Asia when they accidentally walk in to a brothel

This becomes increasingly clearer to the two young men as the attractive, scantily clad women begin to make poorly veiled sexual entreaties in broken English. The two have practically no knowledge of, or experience with, women, and begin sweating profusely when the truth dawns. The first missionary ...

I’ve failed my electricians exam 3 times. I’ve decided to try meditation to see if that helps.

Ohmmmmm

There’s one test I will never fail

A blood test I always get an A+

Why did the Mallard fail as a comic?

His humor was too fowl.

What do you call a failed gathering of crows?

Attempted murder

A student is failing his classes, so he goes to the teacher with a bet

"I will tell you a riddle. You have an entire week to solve it. If you do, I am giving you 500€, if you don't, you give me an A"

"I accept"

"What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?"

The teacher thinks and thinks the entire week, but d...

Obama, Oprah, Trump and a little girl are on a plane. The engines fail...

... the pilots have already parachuted out the plane. The four mentioned are the only ones remaining on the plane. But there are only three parachutes.

Oprah quickly steps forward and says to the little girl; "I'm taking a parachute. I'll build a school for girls in your honour, it'll benefi...

Why did the farmer decide to become a DJ after a failed produce?

Because he had a ton of sick beets

Failed Engines

There was a blonde sitting next to a man on an airplane. About an hour into the flight, the pilot comes on and says over the intercom, "One of our four engines is out, we will be about 15 minutes late arriving."

About 30 minutes later, the pilot comes on the intercom again and says, "There is...

A time traveller travelled 1 month into the future and opened r/Jokes

"Damn, I failed again"

i came up with this one and i think its a little silly. what do you call it when a missile fails to reach it’s destination?

projectile dysfunction

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The Accident

I was driving down I-35 last Tuesday , not really paying attention , and I failed to notice that traffic had stopped. I slammed the brakes , but it was too late and I rear ended the vehicle in front of me.

A young woman stepped out of the car , scowled at me , and yelled "Well , ram me in the...

A failed marriage is like an Avengers movie.

First someone snaps, then half your stuff is gone.

I failed my math exam because I couldn’t remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6, and 500 as Roman numerals

IM LIVID

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Why did Hitler fail as an artist?

He refused to mix colors.

What’s a failed circumcision called

A Beheading

What do you call a failed abortion?

Survival of the fetus

Upon Arriving Home, A Husband Was Met At The Door By His Sobbing Wife Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him,

"Now, just a minute, please listen to my side of it...
This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went withou...

What do you call it when you fail to break your addiction to mid-day rests?

Re-naps

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Karen goes to the doctor not feeling well. Karen: Doctor, I’ve not been feeling well lately. .

Doctor: I’ve looked at your lab reports and I’m afraid I have some bad news.

Karen: Don’t give me this lab nonsense. I believe in homeopathic medicine, faith-based approaches and healing crystals. All my life, they have never failed me. Now will you do things my way or do I need to see the ma...

The Hitman gets fired!

A very dumb fella wanted to be a Hitman for the Mafia. But he got fired after he failed miserably on his first job!

He burned his lips on the tailpipe of the car he was suppose to blow up!

Little Johnny joke.

Little Johnny was a lazy student and was failing Math badly. His parents had enough of this, so they pulled him out of regular school and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, he came home and not a word, and headed up to his bedroom to do his Math homework. He was up there...

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Our farm failed because we planted buttermilk-flavored Dorito chips instead of seeds...

But at *least* it was a **cool** ranch.

A 13 year old boy has difficulty with mathematics, failing in public school.

His parents were not religious but after a friend's suggestion they felt a private Catholic school may be more effective. His grades began to rise dramatically after this switch. Asked what has helped him so much, he responded

"When I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant busi...

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