UPJOKE

Going To Bed Jokes

If you're depressed, try drinking a pint of water before going to bed.

It'll give you a reason to get up in the morning.

My 7 year old nephew told this joke to my sister : what's the first thing you do after waking up and the last thing you do before going to bed?

Nephew: Brushing your teeth!

Mom: oh honey that's not a joke.

Nephew: it is if you think that's what I do!

What does James Bond do before going to bed

He goes undercover

What does Jeff Bezos does before going to bed?

He puts payjamazon..

I'm not going to bed tonight.

Hopefully I won't get locked up for resisting a rest.

Remember when going to bed was a punishment?

How stupid we were!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wife: "I'm going to bed, honey."

Husband: "Okay, sweetheart. I'll go get you a tylenol."

Wife: "But why? I don't have a headache."

Husband: "Great! Let's fuck."

What is the difference between girls aged:8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58 and 68?

At 8 – You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 – You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 – You don’t need to tell her a story to take her to bed.


At 38 – She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48 – You tell her a story to avoid going to bed....

I've really cut down on my drinking and now only have one vodka before going to bed...

Last night I went to bed 8 times.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An elderly couple were going to bed...

The old woman, wanting to spice up their love life, tied her robe around like a cape and came out of the bathroom yelling "Super Pussy!!!".

The old man says, "I'll have the soup."

A communist tells his friend before going to bed, "I'm going to take a nap."

He wakes up as a libertarian.

I honestly believe there is nothing like going to bed with a good book...

Or a friend who's read one.

An elderly man has urinary incontinence. Why does he drink holy water before going to bed on Christmas Eve?

He wanted to sleep in heavenly pees.

An hour after going to bed after serving his riotous regulars at his bar, his phone began to ring...

"What time does the bar open?" asked a drunken voice on the other end of the line. "Eleven o'clock," snapped the bar keep as he slammed down the phone." A minute later the phone rang again, and the same voice asked, "What time did you say the bar opened?" "Eleven o'clock, dammnit, and you can'...

An old Jewish couple is going to bed

The husband can't fall asleep, so his wife asks him:
- Abraham, why can't you fall asleep?
The husband responds:
- I owe Binyamin a lot of money, and I don't think I can give it back in time.
The wife is annoyed, picks up a phone and dials a number on it:
-Hello, Binyamin? Abraham is ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman walked into a pet store.

After greeting the store owner, she strolled through the aisles, browsing through the various pets they had on sale. A bulldog with a 50% discount sticker plastered on the kennel containing it caught her eye. She beckoned the shop owner over.

"How much do you want for this little guy?" she a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed....

A Father put his 3year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying,
"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'

The little girl said, "I don't know dadd...

My wife told me she was going to bed and asked when i'd be coming.

"I won't be if Im in bed with you" I replied

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] A woman goes to a doctor

W: Lately I have developed this problem of wetting my bed while sleeping.

Dr: Go behind the curtains, take off your clothes and do a headstand in front of the mirror.

The woman obliges. The doctor comes in, parts her legs and keeps his chin on top of her vagina.

W: So Doc, what'...

How do you stop millions of children from going to bed hungry every night?

Take away their beds...

I've been feeling really stressed lately, so my doctor advised me that before going to bed, I should drink two glasses of red wine, after a hot bath, but to be honest, it's not really helping at all...

...I can't even finish drinking the hot bath.

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